Iced Tea and Fries a Short Play by Andy Rassler

Iced Tea and Fries ______A Short Play by Andy Rassler

Andrea Rassler 160 Edgewater Drive Concord, NC 28027 H: (704) 782-7218 C: (704) 701-5793 [email protected]

LIZ: 20-something. A little paranoid, suspicious, sharp. Not in her best of moods today.

SHELLIE: 20-something. Is a pretty cool cucumber. Liz’s friend, but may have a big secret she’s hiding.

SETTING: The front seat of a car. Playwright envisions either an imaginary car (meaning two chairs and pantomime the steering wheel) or you can dig up a car seat or two and a wheel. The play isn’t about the car, after all, it’s about the girls and what may or may not have happened. 1

AT RISE: LIZ and SHELLIE are in a car at a drive-through, sitting and waiting for service. They are both in their 20s and friends, but have issues with each other at times, usually over men. They have just driven up when the lights go up.

LIZ Hello! (Beeps horn.) Hello!!

SHELLIE Stop it, would ya? We just pulled up. Give ‘em a second.

LIZ Okay, Shel. I’ll give them a second. (Pause, looks at her watch.) Hello!! I’m ready to order!!

SHELLIE Oh, that’s good. Nice. That’s one of the reasons I love you so much.

LIZ Shutup and let me do this. Hello! I want a cheeseburger!

SHELLIE Can you get me a tea?

LIZ What?

SHELLIE Can you get me a tea?

LIZ You said you didn’t want anything.

SHELLIE I know I did. I changed my mind.

LIZ I asked you one and a half minutes ago if you wanted anything and you said no.

SHELLIE I know.

LIZ Now you want a tea.

SHELLIE Yes.

LIZ You always do that. You know you’re my best friend always, but I absolutely hate it when you do that to me.

SHELLIE Do what?

LIZ You do that all the time. You change your mind about everything. You throw your order in right before I order. It’s annoying.

SHELLIE Oh, really? Do I offend? Then never mind.

LIZ I can order you a tea, Shel.

SHELLIE Never mind. I’m annoying you. I’m changing my mind too much. So just order your damn cheeseburger and never mind.

LIZ Now you’re changing your mind again!! I can order you a stupid God-forsaken tea!

SHELLIE Just forget it! Don’t order me a damn thing.

LIZ Are you thirsty or aren’t you?!

SHELLIE What the hell difference does it make?

LIZ I haven’t even ordered yet, so just tell me what you want.

SHELLIE I just told you what I want, Liz. I just told you.

LIZ Was that the first time you told me, the time you changed your mind, or the time you went back to what you wanted to begin with. (No answer.) You want a tea??!?!!

SHELLIE Yes!

LIZ Okay, then! I’ll order you a damn tea!!

SHELLIE Thank you very much!!!

LIZ (Pause, then to the speaker) Hello! I need to hurry up and order before my friend changes her mind again!

SHELLIE Oh, good. That’s real mature, Liz. Into the speaker?

LIZ You’re in a mood today. What’s up with you?

SHELLIE Nothing. I’m not in a mood. You just insulted me into a loudspeaker. That’s a little disrespectful.

LIZ Oh, nobody’s there. These people get slower every time we come here. It’s ridiculous.

SHELLIE Can I get some fries, too?

LIZ (Pause) What? What did you just say? Are you kidding me?

SHELLIE I want some fries, too.

LIZ You want some fries. Two minutes and thirteen seconds ago, you wanted nothing. Then you waffle, like, three times about the damn sweet tea, and now you want tea AND fries? Is that right?

SHELLIE Yeah. That’s right. I’m not asking you to rewrite the United States Constitution. I’m just asking you to order some iced tea and some fries. That too much trouble to order some fries and tea with your cheeseburger?

LIZ Maybe it is! Maybe it is too much trouble!

SHELLIE Well, then just forget it, miss Lizzy! Just forget I said a word!!

LIZ No, ma’am, I will not!! You change your mind about EVERYTHING! Don’t want something, then want something, then don’t want something, then want two things. Didn’t want Brad, then might want Brad, then do want Brad, then don’t want Brad…

SHELLIE I knew it!! Oh, my God! I knew you hadn’t given that up!

LIZ Well, you won’t let me forget it, will you?

SHELLIE I don’t want Brad!

LIZ Okay, fine! You don’t want him! Are you happy I’m with Brad?

SHELLIE Ecstatic. Couldn’t be happier.

LIZ Why do you lie to me?

SHELLIE Why do you think I’m lying?

LIZ Because usually when people say they’re happy, they smile. Or at least look at the people they’re talkin’ to.

SHELLIE (looks pointedly at LIZ) I don’t want Brad.

LIZ Uh-huh. Right. Let’s just pretend for one little second that I believe you.

SHELLIE You should believe me, because I’m telling the truth. I don’t want him.

LIZ Umm-hmm…Okay. (Pause) Is anyone comin’ to this speaker today?!!! I want SERVICE!! (Beeps her horn) Jesus flying over the moon, I am about to pull away from this place.

SHELLIE’s cell phone rings. She looks at it, puts it quickly away without answering it.

LIZ Who was that?

SHELLIE Nobody. I didn’t answer it.

LIZ Obviously.

Long pause. LIZ drums her fingers and cuts her eyes occasionally at SHELLIE. SHELLIE does her best to ignore LIZ, but knows she’s being watched. After a long pause and tension, LIZ lunges for the purse and gets the cell phone.

SHELLIE What are you doing?

LIZ Who just called you, you liar!??? I want to know!!!!

SHELLIE Give me my phone! You can’t take my phone!!!

LIZ Get it from me, then! Take it from me if you can!!

LIZ gets the phone open and looks at the recent call. She is flabbergasted and holds the phone, letting SHELLIE take it back. Pause.

LIZ Why is Brad calling you?

SHELLIE Brad who? 6

LIZ Why is my Brad calling you?

SHELLIE I don’t know. Maybe he wants ideas of what to get you for your birthday.

LIZ In November?

SHELLIE Maybe…

LIZ It’s August.

SHELLIE I know…

LIZ What the hell is going on here?

SHELLIE It’s just a phone call, Liz. That’s it. A phone call.

LIZ A phone call meaning what? Why is he calling you?

SHELLIE I don’t know! I didn’t answer it!

LIZ (abruptly) Call him back.

SHELLIE What? No. I’d rather…

LIZ Call him back. Right now.

SHELLIE You’re going to feel stupid. This is nothing.

LIZ Call him!! And put it on speaker phone. 7

SHELLIE What?? That’s ridiculous!!

LIZ Do it, Shellie! Prove to me this phone call means nothing. Prove it!

SHELLIE (pause) Okay. I’ll call him. You’ll see.

SHELLIE calls BRAD. There is a silence while they wait for the connection.

BRAD Shellie? What’s up, girl?

SHELLIE Nothing much, Brad. I’m calling you back.

BRAD Oh, yeah. I just wanted to see how the doctor thing went and all. You know…

SHELLIE Oh, it went fine! It’s all fine! Everything’s fine!

BRAD Really? Just like that?

SHELLIE Of course, Brad. It was nothing.

BRAD But I thought…

SHELLIE Nothing, Brad! It’s all good. Listen, can I call you back later? I’m kind of in the middle of something…

BRAD Oh, yeah, I guess. I was really worried for a minute, you know? I mean…

SHELLIE Oh, yeah, I know…but it’s all good. Really. So…bye!

SHELLIE hangs up quickly and throws the phone to the floor. LIZ stares at SHELLIE for awhile. Silence.

LIZ You gonna explain that?

SHELLIE I was kind of hoping I wouldn’t have to.

LIZ Brad was calling you about a doctor?

SHELLIE Yeah…headaches, you know?

LIZ You never told me you had headaches.

SHELLIE It’s a recent thing. You know. Just…recent.

LIZ You telling me to believe that’s what that just was?

SHELLIE I told you…

LIZ You know, I’m not an idiot. And I’m supposed to see Brad tonight.

SHELLIE Oh, really? Well, we’d better get moving then. I don’t think they’re ever going to wait on us…

LIZ I would think my own best friend would tell me before he would. But if you won’t, he’s going to tell me whatever it is that’s going on here.

SHELLIE Oh, yeah? I don’t know. He can tell you whatever he wants because there’s nothing going on here.

LIZ Why did you go to the doctor?

SHELLIE I told you. Headaches.

LIZ And what did the doctor tell you?

SHELLIE Take two aspirin and call him in the morning.

LIZ Are you being smart with me?? Tell me what’s going on here!!!

SHELLIE Nothing!!! There’s nothing going on!! I went to the doctor, he told me to take aspirin, and that’s it!!

LIZ And why did Brad call you about it? Why was he worried? Why did my boyfriend call you about your headaches? (Pause) Answer me!!

SHELLIE (Pause. Totally in control) He called me because he saw me after my psych class and I had a headache and he was worried about me. It’s all perfectly innocent and nothing is going on.

LIZ Nothing is going on? God’s promise as my best friend?

SHELLIE Nothing is going on.

SPEAKER May I take your order, please?

LIZ Finally!!! I want a cheeseburger, a…

SHELLIE That’s it. Just a cheeseburger.

LIZ I thought you wanted fries and a tea.

SHELLIE That was before I changed my mind. Remember? I don’t want anything at all. Absolutely nothing. I want nothing. 10

LIZ I see. (to the speaker) Just a cheeseburger.

SPEAKER Okay. That’s $1.06 with tax. Please pull ahead.

LIZ looks pointedly at SHELLIE who gazes directly ahead of her with poker face and does not look around.

SHELLIE She said pull ahead.

LIZ I’m pulling ahead, Shellie. But not because you told me to. I’m going to do what I’m going to do because I want to. Because it’s my choice. (pointedly) You know we all have choices, Shellie.

SHELLIE (still not looking at her) You’re not going anywhere.

LIZ I am choosing to pull ahead now, Shellie. Choosing it. Do you understand me?

SHELLIE The car isn’t moving. You’re not going anywhere.

LIZ Neither are you, Shellie. (she starts pulling ahead) Mark my words. Neither are you.

BLACKOUT.