- 3x02 - Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington

1 a magazine in my life, ##Ahh, The Simpsons ## and I'm not gonna start now.

2 19 D'oh! Hey, a cartoon!

3 20 Stupid junk mail. Ain't it the truth?

4 21 Yeah. Win this. No, it's not the truth, Homer.

5 22 I'll see that he gets it. It's well-documented that women are safer drivers than men. 6 How dumb do they think I am? 23 Huh? A check? Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. 7 One million dollars. 24 They're just stupid drawings 8 that give you a cheap laugh. I'm rich! 25 9 Hey, Einstein, Mr. Simpson, I can assure you, put down your reading. this check of yours is nonnegotiable. 26 10 - It's lunchtime. Oh, yeah? - You go ahead. Well, what makes you so damn sure? 27 11 Hey, you don't wanna eat? See where it says ''Void, void, What you do, get one of them void'' stomach staples? and ''This is not a check''? 28 12 As Tolstoy said ''Cash value in Quotable Notables... 1 /20th of a cent.'' 29 13 ''Give me learning, sir, - '' Mr. Banker, do not honor.'' and you may keep your black bread.'' - Shut up. 30 14 - Who is that bookworm, Smithers? I had a feeling it was - , sir. too good to be true. 31 15 Simpson, eh? Every time you get a million dollars, How very strange. something queers the deal. 32 16 His job description I don't think real checks clearly specifies an illiterate. have exclamation points. 33 17 We now return to Troy McClure Well, at least we got and Delores Montenegro a free sample of Reading Digest. in Preacher With a Shovel.

18 34 Marge, I never read But Irrigation can save

1 The Simpsons - 3x02 - Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington your people, Chief Smiling Bear. 51 35 Homey, put down your magazine Marge, look at them for a minute. staring at that idiot box. 52 36 - Huh? God forbid they would - I thought you might wanna snuggle. ever read something and improve their minds. 53 That reminds me. 37 ''Seven ways to spice up You've certainly taken your marriage.'' a shine to that magazine. 54 38 Marge, ''You have a nice body... It's not just one magazine, Marge. 55 and if you'd like to 39 see me in a costume, They take hundreds of magazines, you have only to ask.'' filter out the crap... 56 40 Thank you, Homey. and leave you with something that fits right in your front pocket. 57 - Wow! Little meat loaf men! 41 God! Those kids don't know 58 what they're missing. Where did you get the idea for this, Mom? 42 - Dad! 59 - Hey, what gives, man? Where do you think? This baby never steers 43 you wrong, and it was free! We're all going to sit down as a family... 60 - Free. 44 - It certainly has enriched our and listen to an inspiring story lives. of wilderness survival. 61 45 Wow. ''Win a trip ''Then I heard the sound... to Washington, D.C.

46 62 ''that all All expenses paid. arctic explorers dread-- V.I.P. tour.''

47 63 the pitiless bark - Oh, it's for kids. of the sea lion.'' - Wait, Dad!

48 64 He'll be killed! An essay contest. ''Children under 1 2. 49 Homer, he obviously got out alive 65 if he wrote the article. Three-hundred words, fiercely pro-American.'' 50 Sounds interesting. Don't be so-- Oh, you're right. 66

2 The Simpsons - 3x02 - Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington

Bart, maybe this is something ''you better burn you'd like to do too. a few other things.

67 83 Mom, it's a nice thought, ''You better burn your shirt but we both know that and your pants. this is the pony to bet on. 84 68 '' Be sure to burn What would Ben Franklin say your TV and car. if he were alive today? 85 69 ''Oh, yes, and don't forget He'd say, uh... to burn your house...

70 86 ''Think of a better opening.'' ''because none of those things could exist without six white 71 stripes... - How's it going, honey? - Not very well. 87 seven red stripes 72 and a hell of a lot of stars.'' Well, when I used to get stuck like this, 88 I'd go for a bike ride. - Thank you very much.

73 89 - Do kids go Yeah! Damn right! on bike rides anymore? - Yes! 90 '' Recipe for a free country: 74 Mix one cup liberty with I don't know. three teaspoons of justice. I thought maybe bikes weren't cool anymore. 91 Add one informed electorate. 75 Baste well with veto power.'' - Do kids still use that word ''cool''? 92 - Yes, Mom! '' My back is spineless. My belly is yellow. 76 Okay, America, inspire me. 93 I am the American nonvoter.'' 77 Wow, a bald eagle. 94 ''Stir in two cups of checks. 78 Sprinkle liberally with balances.'' Hmm. 95 79 '' Ding, dong. The sounds Thanks for driving me of the Liberty Bell. to the contest, Dad. 96 80 Ding-- freedom. Sweetheart, there's nothing Dong-- opportunity. I wouldn't do for that magazine. 97 81 Ding-- excellent schools. ''So burn the flag if you must, Dong-- quality hospitals.'' but before you do... 98 82 ''When America was born

3 The Simpsons - 3x02 - Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington on that hotJuly day in 1 77 6... 114 I don't know. 99 ''the trees in Springfield Forest 115 were tiny saplings, - Are you interested in anything? trembling towards the sun. - I don't know.

100 116 ''And as they were nourished - Could you touch your nose for me? by Mother Earth... Hmm. - Mm. Hmm. 101 ''so too did our fledgling nation 117 find strength... Lisa, after meeting your father... 102 ''in the simple ideals 118 of equality and justice. I've decided to award you an additional five points. 103 ''Who would have thought 119 such mighty oaks Congratulations. or such a powerful nation... You and your family are going to Washington. 104 could grow out of something 120 so fragile, so pure?'' Wa-hoo! Who would have guessed... 105 - Thank you. 121 reading and writing 106 would pay off? - What do you think? - It's good. 122 - Yes, sir, can I get you something? 107 - Playing cards, notepad... A little too good for an eight-year-old. 123 aspirin, sewing kit, 108 pilot's wing pin... Me thinks I detect the sickly scent of the daddy. 124 propeller-shaped swizzle stick, 109 sleeping mask... Mr. Simpson, I'd like to ask you a few questions 125 about your daughter's essay. - and anything else I've got coming to me. 110 - I'll see what I can do. - Lisa, will you excuse us? - Okay. 126 - Hmm. 111 ''We the purple''? 127 What the hell was that? - Steward!

112 - Are you a professional writer? 128 - Mm-mmm. Little boy, I bet you'd like to visit the cockpit. 113 Are you interested in 129 politics or government? Ooh-ooh, baby!

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130 146 And this control stick is like Hey, I call first bedsies. the handlebars on your tricycle. 147 131 Bart, there's no such thing Now, would you as first bedsies. like to see where You just made that up. we hang our coats? 148 132 Well, okay, No, thank you. which one do you want? I'd rather push this button. Oops! 149 I... want... that one. 133 - No! 150 Really? 134 You want that one? - We're all gonna die! 151 135 It's all yours. Look, Marge, that guy has Whatever you say. the same last name we do. Taxi.! 152 136 - Why? What's wrong with it? Oh, look, Homer, - Nothing. the I.R.S. 153 137 - Have a good night's sleep, Lisa. - Boo! - No, really, what? - Oh, boo yourself. 154 138 - Nothing. [ Marge ] - What did you do to it? Here we are, kids. The Watergate. 155 - Nothing. 139 - Mom! - Hey! 156 140 What the-- D'oh! Homer, look.! Stupid welcoming mint! They give you a shower cap... 157 141 - Hello? and body gel - Good morning. and bathrobes. This is your wake-up call.

142 158 And a welcoming mint Wake-up call? on your pillow. It's 2:00 a.m.

143 159 Wow, a shoehorn. Sorry, fatso. Just like in the movies. 160 144 Free food? Shoe goes on, shoe goes off, shoe goes on, shoe goes off. 161 Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley-- 145 patriotism editor of Reading Shoe goes on, Digest. shoe goes off. 162

5 The Simpsons - 3x02 - Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington

Oh, I love your magazine. 177 Ah! 163 My favorite section is 178 '' How to Increase Your Word Power.'' - What does the ''I'' stand for again? 164 - Oh! That thing is really, really, really... good. 179 - ''On this spot, Richard Nixon 165 bowled back-to-back 300 games.'' Well, good. - Yeah, right. Lisa, I'd like you to meet some other finalists. 180 Wow, the president's bathroom. 166 - This is Trong Van Dinh 181 and Maria Dominguez. - Do you mind? - Hello. - Barbara Bush!

167 182 Maria is the National Oh, you have Spelling Bee Champion. those damn badges.

168 183 And Trong has won both Okay. This tub the Westinghouse Talent Search... was installed in 1 894.

169 184 and the NFL Punt, Mmm. Money. Pass and Kick Competition. 185 170 Hey, watch it, chief. Have either of you ever run into any problems because 186 of your superior ability? Folks, we print more than 1 8 million bills a day. 171 - Hmm? 187 - Sure, I guess. Oh, and in case - Oh, me too! you were wondering...

172 188 These are special no, we don't give out V.I.P. badges. free samples.

173 189 They'll get you into places Lousy, cheap country. other tourists never see. 190 174 Bart, get out - Miss, what does the ''I'' stand of The Spirit of St. Louis.! for? - Important. 191 - Hey, what's so funny. 175 - Oh! How about the ''V''? 192 - Very. - Oh, Marge, grow up!

176 193 - Oh! And, miss, Congressman, this is, uh, just one more question. Springfield National Forest. - Person. 194

6 The Simpsons - 3x02 - Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington

- Now, basically, what we - Duh, duh, duh, Not here. wanna do is cut her down. - Uh-huh. 210 I've got a little place that 195 I use for these, uh, matters. As you can see Call me tonight. in our artist's rendition, it's full of old growth... 211 - Well, hi there. 196 You must be . just aging - Hello, sir. and festering away. 212 197 Lisa, you're a doer, In comes our logging company and who knows, maybe someday... to thin out the clutter. 213 198 you'll be a congressman It's all part of nature's, or a senator. you know, cycle. 214 199 We have quite a few Well,Jerry, you're a whale women senators, you know. of a lobbyist, and, uh... 215 200 - Only two. I checked. I'd like to give you a logging permit, 216 I would, but, uh... You're a sharp one. Well, how about a few pictures? 201 this isn't like 217 burying toxic waste. Tot shot always plays in the sticks. 202 People are gonna notice 218 those trees are gone. Oh, isn't that nice?

203 219 Eh, Congressman, this is where Now there is it gets awkward. a politician who cares.

204 220 I-- I never quite know If I ever vote, how to put this. it'll be for him.

205 221 - I just want to-- Mom? - Offer me a bribe? 222 206 Lisa, the contest - Oh, what is it? isn't for three hours.

207 223 It's that little girl from I'm too excited to sleep. Springfield who wrote the essay. 224 Anyone up for the 208 Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial? - Could be a good photo-op. - Sure, fine. 225 - Who's that? 209 - An early crusader for women's - So, uh, where do we-- rights.

7 The Simpsons - 3x02 - Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington

242 226 Is this a good time She led the Floor Mop to buy a house? Rebellion of 1 91 0. 243 227 - I can't get my boy to brush. Later, she appeared on - Would I look good the highly unpopular with a mustache? 7 5-cent piece. 244 228 I tried using turpentine, - Okay, but you don't know but that just made it worse. what you're missing. 245 229 Mr. Lincoln? Oh! Mr. Lincoln?

230 246 ''I will iron your sheets My name is Lisa Simpson, when you iron out... and I have a problem!

231 247 the inequities Mr.Jefferson, in your labor laws.'' my name is Lisa Simpson...

232 248 - Amen, sister. - and I have a problem. - I know your problem. 233 I told you 249 no one ever came here. The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded. 234 So, Bob, where do we stand 250 on Springfield Forest? - Sorry, sir. It's just-- - No one ever comes to see me. 235 Do I get my logging permit? 251 I don't blame them. 236 I never did anything important-- Well, let me put it this way,Jerry. Timber! 252 just the Declaration 237 of Independence... - What a pooch. - Woof woof!. 253 the Louisiana Purchase, 238 the dumbwaiter-- How can I read my essay now? I don't believe my own words. 254 Maybe I should be going. 239 I caught you at a bad time. Honest Abe-- he'll show me the way. 255 Wait! Please don't go. 240 I get so lonely. - Mr. Lincoln-- - Mr. Lincoln, 256 I need your advice. The truth must be told.

241 257 What can I do to make this Oh.! Oh.! Oh.! Oh.! a better country? 258

8 The Simpsons - 3x02 - Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington

Rudy, my man, you're a miracle worker. 275 Lisa? Lisa? 259 Your laundry, sir. 276 - Oh, there she is. 260 There you go. 277 Buy yourself something nice. Lisa Simpson will now read her essay-- 261 - Thank you. 278 - Bart, are you ready to I would like to read go to-- a different essay, if I may?

262 279 - I'll room service you.! Um-- Okay. - Before you kill me... 280 263 The city of Washington was built remember, this trip on a stagnant swamp... is all expenses paid. 281 264 some 200 years ago - Thank you. and very little has changed. - Oh, this guy is awful. 282 265 It stank then I know, honey, and it stinks now. but just sit still. 283 266 Only today, it is - Welcome, everyone, the fetid stench of corruption to the awards luncheon. that hangs in the air.

267 284 I'd like to introduce - Cool! A ruckus. our distinguished judges... 285 268 And who did I see who will select taking a bribe... our scholarship winner. 286 269 but the honorable Former Redskins great Bob Arnold. Alonzo Flowers... 287 270 - But don't worry, Congressman... perennial third-party candidate Wilson DeFarge... 288 I'm sure you can buy 271 all the votes you need Senate page Brad Fletcher... with your dirty money.

272 289 skin care consultant Rowena... And this will be one nation under the dollar... 273 and wealthy gadabout 290 Chilton Gaines. with liberty and justice for none. 274 Our first essayist 291 will be Lisa Simpson. Senator, there's a problem

9 The Simpsons - 3x02 - Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington at the essay contest. or possibly Canada--

292 309 - Please, son, I'm very busy. could our family find - A little girl... such opportunity?

293 310 - is losing faith in democracy. That's why whenever I see - Good Lord! the stars and stripes...

294 311 Congressman, we want to drill for I'll always be reminded oil in Teddy Roosevelt's head. of that wonderful word ''flag.''

295 312 Well-- Teddy who? There will be a brief recess while the judges tabulate their 296 votes. - Congressman... 313 297 Lisa, what's you're under arrest. gotten into you?

298 314 - You work fast. Yeah, your other speech - I work for Uncle Sam. was a little more crowd pleasing.

299 315 We will now vote I'm sorry, Dad. on the House bill 1 022-- I couldn't think of a nice way to say America stinks. 300 the expulsion of Bob Arnold. 316 Extra! Extra! 301 Feds nab rotten rep. Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but shouldn't we tack on... 317 Give me one of those. 302 - a pay raise for ourselves? 318 - No.! ''Imprisoned congressman becomes born-again Christian. '' 303 Okay, this should make 319 my bosses very happy. I can't believe it. The system works. 304 - Your bosses? 320 - Yep. All 250 million of them. - He already sang this song. - No, that was about the budget gap. 305 When my family arrived 321 in this country four months ago... - This is the trading gap.

306 322 we spoke no English And now and had no money in our pockets. the moment of truth.

307 323 Today, we own a nationwide chain Will the winning essay be of wheel-balancing centers. '' Bubble on, O melting pot''?

308 324 Where else but in America-- ''Lift high your lamp,

10 The Simpsons - 3x02 - Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington

Green Lady''?

325 ''USA, A-OK''?

326 Or ''Cesspool on the Potomac''?

327 Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool!

328 And now the winner is...

329 '' USA, A-OK,'' by Trong Van Dinh.

330 D'oh!

331 Miss Crowley, thank you for this oversized novelty check.

332 I would like share this honor with all of my fellow essayists...

333 particularly the courageous Lisa Simpson...

334 whose inflammatory rhetoric reminded us...

335 that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance.

336 - Give her the check!

337 I was serious.

338 - Ow.! - Bart!

339 Lis, you taught me to stand up for what I believe in.

340 Shh!

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