Bare Facts, Issue No. 895, 13.12.1996

4 The Issue No. 895 University of 13th December 1996 Surrey Students' Paper Christmas Issue CandleUt Vigil To Be Held At LSE

dlelit chainfrom th e LSE on the Aldwych Sam Parham, LSE Education and Welfare tudents will hold a candlelit to the meeting venue, Clements House. Officer, said: "We are expecting a good vigil from 4pin on Thursday tumout for this protest. Feeling is running S12th December outside the The LSE is a front runner in the race to high among students who are fearfiil the London School of Economics in a charge students top up fees, even though LSE will be the first college to implement solemn protest against Govemors student cannot afford to pick up the bill fees. I know many people here who for the underfunding of hìgher education. wouldn't be able to pay tuition fees and who will be deciding whether to Charging fees will cause considerable who would be put off entering higher implement fees of up to £1,000, damage to the reputation the LSE has for education completely if fees b«came a despite last week's announcement excellence. Access to the college will reality. Fees will mean an end to access at ^ vice-chancellors to reject fees. only be for those from well-off back- LSE." The vigil will be supported by students groimds. LSE Govemors are being urged to take the concems of students seriously across the country who will forni a can- and reject fees once and for ali. Editor's Bit Review of 1996 - CONTENTS My Life As A Sabb riginally I was had to get that one in) and the return of the students. By 1 Candlelit Vigil at LSE going to review week 3 the first years had ar- Othe whole of rived and all the sabbs were in 6 New EIHMS building 1996 but since I have overdrive trying to organise 7 NUS National Conference Intro Week. The end of the 7 NUS Referendum only been in office for six week saw the Trade Fair months the first half of which was my little baby. I the year was pretty arranged for twenty compa- uneventful except for my nies to come into the union FEATURES finals, coursework, and show the students what dissertation, etc.... was on offer in Guildford. 5 Wannabe a coach, a teacher, or a...??? October 9 Passion for fashion? After being elected in March, The infamous computer crash 9 You're sucti a student... the 1st June came round a lit- set me back on my workload 14 Is ttiere a Santa? tle too quickly and with it for most of the month. The came the hot weather. end of the month was the 18 Labi Siffrein ttie SU NUS Media Conference, a June weekend to host the NUS Me- The month of June is the han- dia Awards and a series of REGULARS dover period for sabbs. Due to workshops hosted by various the building work in the union members of the journalism the sabbatical offices were 3 Letters moved to House 2 Stag Hill. world. Rob Dorey (my predecessor) November 4 Dear Santa, please con I hove.,. and I shared a bedroom for What a busy month, a visit to 10 IVIusic Review of tfie Year four weeks while he trained London for the launch of a 13 Odeon Cinema Times me on life as a Communica- new magazine, Neon; the fea- tions Officer. ture film in ^e Union; the NUS National Shutdown Day July and finally Rock The Vote Oh no, I'm on my own. The Week. The highlight for me first half of the month was was NUS Regional Confer- taken up with preparing "Sur- ence, a chance to meet up rey for Beginners" a publica- with all the sabbs from the University of Surrey Students' Paper tion that goes out to first year area again and to find out students before they arrive what has been going on with Union House, University of Surrey, here. NUS - it is good to stay in Guildford, Surrey. GU2 5XH The next week was NUS touch! Convention - a week at UCL Teleptione: 01483 259275 in Preston for our initial train- December ing course. This was a chance While everything hots up for Fax: 01483 34749 for us to learn more about you lot with exams, things Advertising: 01483 259275 what NUS can do for us, what have quietened down for me - E-mail: [email protected] they can help us achieve dur- thank God. This week sees litlp://www.surrey.ac.uk/Union/barefacts/ ing our year and an opportu- the last edition of Bare Facts EcStOf - Melante Dean nity to meet sabbs from other this year so make the most of Features Editor - Tenta Rocks universities and 'netwoik*. it. News Editor - Som Blnrìingham August Read on and enjoy.... Music Edita - Rob Winder August saw the preparation of Mel XXX Sports Edtor - Marie "Ginga' Cusock the students' union handbook Photograph» - Matt Ponnell - another first year publica- PS Merry Christmas and a Ccaloonlst - Stuart Parker tion and my second NUS Happy New Year from Bare Edftoftal CotTtributlons: Andy Gale, MDes Hedgehog, Bruce training course. This time it Facts and me! CiTqpman, Matt Pannell ciìd ottiers,., was three days in Manchester Music Reviews: Mei Odedra, James Hemingway, Marie De ixjnge. and this course was devoted Vicki Snelgrove, Numnuts totally to Communications Bare Facts is an independent newspaper, published by the Officers. University of Surrey Stuiients' Union Communications Office. The views expressea within the paper are those of the Editor, the Editorial board and the aulhor, and do noi necessarily represent September the views oithe University oi Surrey Studenti' Union or The The first week saw my Bare University of Surrey. Facts debut, ray birthday (I USSU Communications Office 1996 Letters

Charity30t Dinnehr Dance AT THE ROYAL LANCASTER HOTEL Breast Cancer

,SAMS MSDeaMS FROmiEltfS Champagne reception and half bottle of wine Four course dinner Band and DJ until Sam Superb prizes to be won (ind. many weefeends away)

Ticbets bought before 19th December enter a free prize draw for a night in a 5 star London til the Charter Ball to look at stand up and be counted on scription of the weather as our new bar? Of course not - it many important and under "fiicking cold" simply demón- The first letter is will be worth waiting for. rated issues. Being gay, being strales your lack of vocabu- probably the black or jewish or in another lary, then he himself does not Now I hear that the new bar prejudiced group presents understand how to use the most relevant may not be ready in time for each person with a very indi- English language. this week - on the the Charter Ball. What is go- viduai experience which they subject of the ing on up there? Are the build- do not want compared to an- One reason why swear-words ers stashing some bodies in the other individuals plight and are frowned upon is that they union extension concrete? I would love to have raoreover can not be viewed as conjure up powerful images. a drink in the new bar before I By saying the weather is and queues at the being less important, or seri- "fiicking cold" you have ex- bar in the SU on graduate, and Tm getting a lit- ous - andtoo right!!!! pressed your displeasure with Fridays. tle fed up queuing up for half the temperature more vividly an hour on Friday nights just She has also given people the than Mr. Collins ever could to get a Malibu & lime and a chance to giggle and explore with "the weather is jolly cold shandy-top. conversations that would have - and I don't like it when the A letter from the So what's the scene, Melanie been sort of odd to talk about weather is jolly cold". Liz Mfan club Dean? otherwise. Can't wait to have you back Yes, we have seen a few too and more about Yours, writing Liz, because BF just many asterisks in recent Bare swearing Andy Gale isn't the same without your in- Facts, but certain swear-words saitable articles. play a useful role in our language, and they are very defí- Dear Editor, Dear Editor Yours nitely a feature of many Over the summer I had been I am absolutely gutted!!!! An avid Liz M. fan. students' vocabularios. thinking: 'It will be great to be Where is our weekly dose of back at University - Friday LizM??? (P.S. Mei I could swear the Yours faithfully, Night Cut in the new, ex- toy/ perfume and whatever MHunt tended Union.', so I was sadto The literary genius who else ads had already be- hear that the extension was not brightens up my friday after- gun??????) p.s. If you want to brush-up going to open until Christmas. noons, and gives me a whole your swearing. The Fair enough, I could wait. array of subjects for the week- Wordsworth Dictionary Of end to harass my friends over. Dear Editor, Obscenity And Taboo by Christmas approaches, and we If Steven Collins (last week's James McDonald is an excel- ^d the concrete is stili soggy, I think at last we have some- letters) believes that your de- lent read. so would we mind waiting un- one who is making students Bare Spot Dear Santa, Please Can I Have By LizM affirmative (in fact, many can Camcorder's for!). I once anything for me except spur o you remember even teli you a little witty an- asked a friend of mine what me on to get the hell out of his those days when ecdote about what they've exactly it was that stimulated bedroom! Saying ail tìiat, it Dyou used to write seen). So, is everyone a se- him from watching him and must have it's advantages or letters to Santa (please cret voyeui^ his girlfriend on film and his else films like "Sliver" and ail answer shone a rather "nicer" the other top-shelvere would don't teli me l'm the only Already this terra I have heard light on the whole thing. He beout of business. one!) asking for those stories of "being watched" said that whilst having sex he desperately wanted gifts? and "havmg watched". So could only see his girlfriend Don't get me wrong, I am not Weil, it seems that what is it about watching peo- from one angle (the squashed advocating anyone to rush off somehow over the years ple without their Knowledge angle!) and yet whilst watch- to the nearest astronomy shop that is so interesting? Does ing the video of it he could see (you can get arrested for inva- this tradition has faded the sight of unknown people ail of her in ail her glory. sion of privacy) but it seems ' and as a result, in with virtually no clotJies on Hmnph! After much con- that in these times when ail memory of this, a few do something to a persons li- vincing on his part, I agreed to else stimulus is failing watch- friends and I sat down to bido? Sadly, I wish I could see a tiny (i.e. 3 second) por- ing other people seems to be stand up and say with ali hon- tion oftìie tape . Now, maybe a populär choice. So, on that write one. esty that this has never inter- it was bad timing but the ttu'ee note, I shall pick up my pen ested me, but for an seconds I saw was a mass of and continue my little list to This may seem a rather bi- engagement present I was pinky flesh amid very dodgy Santa, requesting thick cur- zarre thing for a bunch of ma- given a rather superb tele- looking apparatus and ail I tains (to keep you out!) and a ture adults to do, but after a scope. I admit, it took me a heard was "Stop, l've broken nice Director chair! night at Bo's with far too month to actually look a nail". Can't say that did much alcohol consumed it through it but once looked - Merry Christmas! seemed quite a naturai thing forever hooked! I saw the to do. Weil, that was, until I ducks on the river, the birds in saw some of the requests. the trees, the man in the apart- THE DEAN OF OVERSEAS STUDENTS Strangely enough, the major- ment opposite drying himself ity had asked for either a tele- after taking a shower... ali AND scope or a Camcorder. Now sorts of interesting sights. maybe Tm being a tad pre- Hmmra. sumptuous, but I am pretty THE STUDENTS' UNION sure that my friends have little Anyway, what amuses me is interest in the star constella- the stories I keep hearing. For tions and even less in making instance, one friend nearly mäUUly invite y m to an appearance on "You've ended up in hospital after be- Been Framed". So why? I ing watched. Said person was stumbied across the answer to happily having nookie on the this one a couple of ni^ts window-ledge when her lover An End of Year Luncheon ago. Whilst wandering noticed that there was a per- around the Union I spotted son standing on the path look- m one of my friends staring at ing up at them; in the panie of something with intense con- getting off the window-ledge centration, on following his tiiey both managed to slip and Monday 30th December 1996 eye-line I realised it was in fall (with a huge crash) onto a fact a couple on the verge of chair covered in pots, pans in having sex up against the and other uncomfortable ob- back wall. Pouf! Ali of a jects. She has since kept her sudden it became clear to me head down whenever passing - my nice respectable fnends anyone on that particularpath are secret voyeurs! Theinter- but I don't quite see the point, esting this is that they are not unless she bares her backside the only ones! Ask friends - there's not much for him to 12.30pm whether they are "voyeurs" recognise! If you are Interested in attending contact Maureen and they will vehemently Hunt In ttie International Office on ext. 9005 for deny it but ask them if they've Voyeurism can be one of more détails. ever watched a couple snog- many things; from watching ging/groping/having sex and people who don't know you you can bet your telescopic can see them to taping you lens they will all reply in the and your lovers sex life (l'm pretty sure that's what the Student Initiative

WANNABE A COACH, A TEACHER, OR A....

and communication etc. etc. are going to esterday I was talking to a be put to the test, then gain some practical fellow student who is experience through the initiatives on offer Yitching to get into here at Suirey. REMEMBER....whatever coaching. To my dismay this career or interests you have there's some- student mformed me that people thing for you to gain by getting involved. kept telling her 'at this university Okay, so what can I get involved there is no chance of that!!!', well in??? Loadsof STUFF!!! despite my efforts to spread the Sports tutoring and the Surrey word about an exciting Coaching Development Initia- development to get those tive interested a basic qualification, In association with the Students' Union, many of you stili don't know about Campusport and Surrey Sports Develop- it. ment Unit, the door is being opened on achieving some practical experience and a basic coaching qualifícation. Practical Believe it or not this University employs experience comes fì'om helping in after a number of people who work on your school clubs or PE lessons in locai schools behalf to develop and co-ordinate work- and Colleges. Participants can also com- shops and schemes for you to develop pletetìie eigh t short courses offered by the your skills. In my capacity as Student National Coaching Foundation (NCF) Initiatives Officer for this year, I co-or- and a National Goveming Body Award real worid - unfortunately HNC students dinate schemes such as Student Tutoring (NGB) in your specific sport to gain the this is not for you, (sorry only joking, had and Student Mentoring, and over last Introductory Coaching Education Award to pick on some-one). Ifworkin g on a one summer I devoted a lot of time putting (ICEA). Don't feei you have to do ali to one basis being a role model, iistening together a new initiative to allow those tìiese activities, come and see me and we and giving guidîce to young people in people who were interested to get some can sort out what would be best for you ! ! ! local Colleges q^peals to you, I must hear basic experience and a qualification. fì'om you before the end of this semester. So you think you want to be a coach, a Student Tutoring So all that's left to do is introduce myself: teacher, a counsellor, youth leader, or are After Xmas will be the last training ses- thinking of a career where your basic sion for student tutoring, so basically if My name is Wendy France, obviously skills of organisation, problem-solving you want to do it you must pick up an l'm the Student Initiatives Officer, application form before the END OF 5th Floor Senate House, THIS SEMESTER!!! Students volunteer to work with young people of ail ages, Tel; 01483 259920 assisting the teachers in both schools and Internal extension 9920. Colleges. I could give you the hard seil to try and get you involved, but at the end of So even if you are remotely interested in the day if you want to hear that, then give anything above contact me ASAP. me a ring or come and find me - ail l'm P.S. The Student Initiatives Officer is an going to tell you is that it is great FUN and Industriai Year Placement for anyone you can receive a Open College Fédéra- who is interested in working within PR tion Award, yeah you guessed it another education and management andwantsto qualification. increase their transferable skills whilst meeting new people then contact me and Student Mentoring watch this space... This is for mature, sensible people with a least a year's experience of working in the News New EIHMS Building A location was sought so that be reachable from teaching The gravel car parie is to be n response to the this new building would be a rooms and ofRces. turfed and landscaped with numerous inquiries fìgurehead, an impressive gardens and trees making the Iregarding the new si^t seen by visitors entering Something novel is hoped for area more aesthetic than its EIHMS building I feel a the university on that side of with this building in so far as current state. Hopefully plan- brief piece on this new campus and from town. The teaching is concemed as there ning permission will be site currently sought is adja- are plans for a studio to allow ^^ted and this impressive development will cent to the Wolfson Cytotech- tele-teaching to satellite sites and much needed building hopefully, for the time nology building (AW) and and elsewhere linked through will take it's place as Surrey's being, satiate any stretching down the gravei VTRs and monitors throu^- high-tech flagship building questions. Unfortunately car park to end facing town out the teaching rooms. for the next centuiy. with an impressive high- at the time of writing the curved front. And finally to help staff and More details and pictures will information released on students relax between lec- hopefìilly be seen in Bare the new building will Fifteen classrooms within the tures etc. there will be several facts should planning permis- have to be limited as the building will be of a size to drinks machine points and sion be obtained. seat 30 people with flexible common rooms also with project is soon to be partitions to doublé up capac- vending machines. Jon Tripp submitted for planning ity to 60 people and two self As I mentioned at the start of Liaison Officer permission. However, if contained rooms for seating the article the building is sub- and when planning 60 people will also be present. ject to planning permission permission is granted a It is hoped that these rooms but it is hoped that if this is will be equipped with white- obtained the curved face of more detailed and boards, flipcharts, screens, the building may act as a large informative article will OHPs, and TV monitors re- screen, displaying informa- be written to fully ceiving internai and extemal tion visible from town. explain the ins and outs sources as well as from VTR. of what could be the most up to date and exciting In addition to the lecture style teaching and research rooms will be a "Skills Labo- facility at the University. ratory" containing specialist equipment next to a 30 seat CAREERS SERVICE As some people may know, teaching room associated the European Institute of with a simulated ward con- CHRISTMAS VACATION Health and Medicai Sciences taining 6 King's Fund beds. one of the latest University Teachers' offices will be open OPENING HOURS ventures to aim for "centre of pian units widi single ofiices excellence" status. Dueto the provided for directors and WE SHALL BE OPEN 9 am - 12.30 pm merger of three NHS trust some staff; a servery and nursing colleges (Wealden, prestigious board room are & L30 - 5 pm ON THE FOLLOWING Frances Harrison and West also planned for. The building DATES UNLESSS OTHERWISE STATED Sussex) with the former Uni- will also have a high-tech versity Department of Nurs- smart-card entrance scheme ing and Midwifery the (which may apply to the education of nursing and mid- whole of campus by the com- 23 DECEMBER wifery students has been split pletion date), stylish recep- over numerous sites from St. tion area first-aid, treatment 24 DEC (UP TO 12.30 pm) Luke's in Guildford, St. Pe- rooms and photocopying fa- ter's in Chertsey to Crawley cilities. 2 & 3 JANUARY Hospital and Stirling House 8 1 on the Surrey Research Park. In true Surrey fashion the JANUARY (FROM .30 pm) This has led to huge logistical building will also be fitted problems with students trav- with a computer laboratory 9 i& 10 JANUARY elling to lectures ali over comprìsing 30 workstations, Guildford and Surrey - not a a Leaming Resource Centre Please noie we cannot open on 6 & 7 ideal situation. accommodating a fiuther 30 January worìcstations and a secure ad- Within the merger were plans vanced computer facility of as our floor is being repaired and to have a centrally based, cus- 15 high performance work- recarpeted tom built building on campus stations for staff and research to cater for the educational students. These workstations needs of Diploma and Degree will ali be networiced into the students by the end of 1998. UCC freme which will also News NUS National Conférence Brief History tional Union. The Conference How do we have our say? portunity to show how it The National Union of Stu- has 5 key objectives that must Firstly we can submit issues wishes the delegates to vote. dents (NUS) was formed by a bemet: for discussion in the form of a Finally, by voting for dele- hancÙìil of universities in 1922 • policy discussed and agreed "motion". This must fîrst be gates that share your opinion and has grown ever since with passed at our own General on the issues to be discussed a total merabership now in ex- - élections held for the Na- Meeting, or, if we have exist- assures you of your voice be- cess of 900 students' unions. tional Executive Trustées, ing policy already, it could be ing carried through to national To ensure that every afiiliated Steering Committee, Finance forwarded direct on the rec- levels through their vote. member union has the fairest Committee, Rules Revision ommendation of Union Ex- and most democratic opportu- Committee and other commit- ecutive Committee. Who are the delegates from nity to input their views on tees the University of Surrey? what topics and campaigns Secondly, once ail motions NUS should be concentrating - NUS Expenditure for the have been submitted, copies The election of delegates runs on, National Conference was next year must be discussed are sent out to Students' Un- alongside the sabbatica! elec- formed. and agreed, as well as agreeing ions and we have the opportu- tions, and their names are car- the level of subscriptions nity to vote on which motions ried on the same ballot sheet. The Winter Gardens in Black- - the National Executive Com- we would like to discuss by Any student registered at the pool is the historical home of mittee held accountable for prioritising the motions. Usu- University of Surrey can stand NUS Annual Conference and the work and expenditure they ally there are aroimd 20 issues for nomination. The timetable for 4 days a year students irom have carried out over the past proposed, but only 2 or 3 will is the same as for the sabbati- ali wall^ of life descend on the year actually be debated. We can cai elections, with the excep- hôtels and guest houses of also submit amendments to tion that the Question Time Blackpool to discuss issues - discussions and élections the proposed motions, either Ocnown sometimes as "Hust- that are important to students. held in sector (i.e. higher édu- in support or against the mo- ings") for NUS delegate can- cation sector and fiirther édu- tions submitted. Once amend- didates is held at the General The Purpose of National cation sector have a ments have been added, the Meeting of Semester 2 Week Conference mini-conference within Con- fmal docimient is sent to stu- 4 (Tuesday 4th February). NUS Annual Conference is ference) and other student dents' unions and the General the sovereign body of the Na- groups Meeting will be given an op- Postai Votes For Do you want to make a différence The General within our Students Union? Weil, Election Postal votes allow you to this is your chance. exerci^ your right to vote -Sports Officer (at present held, the elections for NUS from your permanent or t the end of each held by Steve DeWint) delegates will also take place. college address if you are academic yearwe These are the people who will staying in the other or Awave a tearful 'Communications Officer put the opinions of this Union elsewhere (i.e. on place- goodbye to our (at present held by Melanie across at the next NUS meet- ment) without ali the hassle Sabbaticals and welcome Dean) ing. Nominations for these of travelling, If you do fancy standing for will happen in the same way as a new load with open one of these roles then the for the sabbatica! elections, al- A stondard postai vote form arms. These new nominations for these post though a candidate may stand known as RPF9a is what sabbaticals are not just tions opens on Monday 16 for lx)th NUS delegate and a you need. These can be ob- picked at random out of a December at 9am. Nomina- sabbatica! position. tained from the Assistant hat, they are voted in by tions packs are available from Student Advisor in the Caroline Royle, the Union If you are going away on Students' Union orfrom th e the normal students of Secretary or the Communica- placement after Christmas, électoral registration this Union. However, io tions Officer. These packs will don't worry. It is my job to office. vote people in we need contain ali you need to know ensure that every full member You can also request proxy Willing, enthusiastic about running for a sabbatica! of the Union gets the opportu- votes using die same form, candidates to stand for position, the rules and guide- nity to vote. We will be in i .e. a request for someone to lines that must be followed touch with your departments vote.on your behalf. the posts. and the nomination form, to get your addresses at the The present sabbatica! posi- which must te handed in be- beginning of Januaiy, there- tions are : fore the 24 January. To fore please make sure that ...For SU -Student President (at pre- stand for any position you will they have got them!! Should Elections sent held by Sharon Baker) need to be a fìlli member of the you have any queries about the Union, and have a proposer, a elections then please contact Forthose students going on -Student Affairs Ofiìcer (at me via the Union pigeon placement early next year seconder and 4 guarantors holes. please make sure the Com- present held by Beccy Jones) who are also full members. munications Office has -Liaison Offìcer (at present your new address. held by Jon Tripp, and based At the same time that the sab- Tania Rocks at St. Luke's) batica! elections are being Returning Offìcer. News Application Forms University Carol Service Revisited 'm intenrupting my be relevant whether its work, series on interview study or spare-time activities. technique because I 3.Read as much as you can Iknow many of you who about the employer before are in your final year will you start writing. be planning to fill out 4.FÍ11 out a rough copy first - application forms over you'll produce a much better the Christmas vac. They final version that way. 5.Don't rush the form. 5.30pm may be the first you've Crossings out, spelling mis- done or they may be takes and illegible hand-writ- Wednesday some you've left to ing may mean instant complete when you had a rejection. 18th December bit more time. Whatever ó.Avoid leaving blank an- the case, I thought it swers to questions but don't would be timely to give go to the other extreme and you a few *take-away' fill every last square inch of tips for the end of the space with tiny writing. semester. 7.Keep a copy, at least of your answers to the more open- ended questions. A quick re- 1 .Consider the job you're ap- read of these before the plying for - what t>pe of per- interview will help you to son do tiiey want? 'tune in' to the job much Guildford Cathedral 2. What have you done in the more effectively. past to prove your suitability? The more demanding ques- Finally, don't forget to make Ail Welcome tions on application forms are time to enjoy your mince pies designed to find this out. between filling out forms! Anything you've done could Russ Clark •UNIVERSITY OF SURREY s Nightline ightline offers a address. Alternatively check FUTURE VACANCIES LIST confidential out our web page listening and ht^://www.ee.surrey .ac.uk NO. 5 Ninformation service - if /Societies/nightline or email you want train/bus times, us at [email protected] the phone number for a We will be holding our next chip shop or to chat training session eariy next se- because you're lonely, mester - look out for the post- WILL BE AVAILABLE depressed or worried ers! about something...then Have you done Nightline in FOR COLLECTION we can help. the past but don't have much We are currently open 4 time to spare this year? We are lookmg for experienced nights a week (Monday • Nightliners who are prepared FROM THE CAREERS SERVICE Thursday) fiôm 8 p.m. to 8 to do one or two duties to help a.m. Call us on 4949 or train our new volunteers. If 01483 37210 or you can drop you can help please give us a DURING THE LAST in to see us - Nightline is lo- call. cated between Wandle and Wey, Surrey Court. Finally to everyone who has WEEK OF been involved in Nightline We are always looking for this semester a BIG THANK new volunteers (we would YOU!!!! THE SEMESTER like to be open every night). Remember Nightline Is A If you are interested call us or Service for students By drop a note in the Nightiine Students without your pigeon hole in the Union giv- Help We Cannot Open. ing your name and a contact -CAREERS SERVICE' phone number or your email Fiona Feature YouVe such a student.... n this politicaliy Similarly, the stereotypical The Spod: Does Physics or stantly about the traffic on the correct world, bird had wings, and those that Maths, and wears glasses. A3 this moming. didn't had rather smasbed-up When he is not watctóng Star The Sports Stud: A member Istereotypes have got facesfrom whe n they kept hit- Trek he spends ali of his time of at least ten sports clubs themselves a bad name - ting the ground. on the Computers where he (chairman of two), he can be use them and you find Survival of the fittest applies 'surfs' the internet, goes on found in the gym for three yourself accused of to students too - it has been 'cyber' pub-crawls, and gets hours every day. He is well making sweeping found, over time, that there are Wirtually' pissed. toned, well groomed, and is statements, being certain characteristics that are The Limpet: A girl who you adored by ali the women - but prejudiced, or of being necessary for an eighteen year got chatting to in Intro Week he's as thick as pig-shite. downright wrong. But old to survive as, say, a Phys- and who you* ve been trying to The Muso: Has dreads, wears we ali Imow that tìiere is ics, Economics, or Engineer- lose ever since. baggy jumpers, enjoys jam- ing student. Nature weeds out The Student You Never See: min' with his Muso mates, and an element of truth in those who don't fit the mouid Lives in room eleven, but no- never misses a Sunday night many of these and causes them to drop out or one knows what he looks like. band. He used to like Ocean stereotypes, otherwise transfer to Psychology. Strange sawing sounds emi- Colour Scene 'before they they wouldn't have come Surrey students are no excep- nate from his room at night. sold out and went mainstream, about in the first place. tion to the mie, and here we The rumour is that he is a mass maaan'. present the Bare Facts guide to murderer. Surrey student stereotypes: The Child Prodigy: Did his Stereotypes are widely ac- The Eternai Student: Was a GCSEs two years early, and cepted in the scientific com- Daddy's Girl: Bringsherown final year in your first year, got 6 A' levels (ali at grade A munity (except in America's Laura Ashley curtains to hang and somehow they are stili except for General Studies southern states), since stereo- in her Twyford Court bed- here. Can usually be found in which was a B - but the teacher typing is what Darwin's Evo- room, and is usually called the Union near the Stage Crew was crap, you see). Started at lution Of The Species was ali Jemima. She does her food mixing desk. Surrey at tiie age of 17. Sadly about. Darwin found that the shopping in Marks and he's too young to get into the stereotypical fish could swim, Spencer's and spends three The Mature Student: Races Union because if it could not swim it hours each night on the phone down thefront afte r lectures to would not have survived long to her boyfiiend 'Bazza'. ask questions, calls the lec- ArufyGale enough for us to know about it. turer 'Bev', and moans con- Passion For Fashion? Good - because that's the ex- How much?! Enough to fund outfit to mirror it! Not only ired of your pensive part over with. you through your entire Uni- will yours be a fraction of the wardrobe? versity career , start a small cost of the originai, but you'Il TDreading the business and support a family have the added bonus of festive season? Unable to Step 2. of fìve into the bargain I bet. knowing what your spending Have a flip through the pur- Don't despair step three is here is contributing toward a wor- spend the little grant to help. thy cause. Season of good will money you have on the and ali that...You may not be sparkley number in town able to replicate Le Croix se- for fear of a guilty Step 3. quin for sequin but you' 11 have conscience? Sound Between North and High the scope to modify his design Street along 'Jefferies pas- to fit your own personal re- familiar? Then read on. sage' can be found a 'Save the quirements..and maintain The following guidelines Children' shop. Quarry Street your conscience! illustrate how, for the is home to an 'Oxfam' and a price of a little 'Children's Society shop' is imagination Versace, on Bridge Street. What have Give the pink-taffeta and Calvin Klein and Gucci they got in common? Yup flashing bow tie a miss diis could be eating out of ..they're Charity shops. There Christmas. Get into the swing are possibly more in town but of things and dress to impress! your hand ! chasedpublication. Spot any- these are my fav's. Having You too can have style and thing tìiat takes your fancy? located their whereabouts its glamour without seeing the Looks good on her/him but time for some action.. New Year in in debt. Follow Step 1. Don't be intimated by the steps one, two, three and four 'Beautiful ones'. No-ones Step 4. and get Charity Shop shop- Buy yourself a copy of Vogue, told them about food yet. Go ping this Christmas. Could Elle, Tatler or any of the good- Remember the outfit in the an>îng be more fabulous?! for nothing- but-the follow- back and have anodier look. magazine you liked ? Take ing- purposes high society Found something ? Thought the picture to a Charity shop of Vanessa. fashion mags. Done that? you might. But wait what's your choosing and from the this.. how much does it cost? bargains on offer create an Music 8. PEARL JAM - No Code 4. ROCKET FROM THE You have had the last fifteen wecks of (Epic) CRYPT - Young Livers (Em- reviews from these guys but do you 9. SOUNDGARDEN - Down mental) really know what makes them tick? On The Upside (A+M) 5. SUEDE - Trash (Nude) 10. SATCHEL - The Family (Epic) Gìg of1996 Here ìs a compilation of what they I have though about this long consìder to be the best of 1996... and hard and to be honest it Top 5 Single« of 1996 has been a great year for gigs. weeks, given more time it 1. IMPERIAL DRAG - Boy So I will mention the five I may be their best yet. OrA Girl (Columbia) have narrowed it down to - Super-sexy swinging sounds Afghan Whigs at The Forum, Rob 3. PAUL WESTERBERG - with a seventies glam feel. Steve Earle at The &npire, Artist of 1996 Eventually (R^rise) 2. HONEYCRACK - Any- Brace Springsteen acoustic Honeycrack, great album, Great collection of catchy way (E.G.) at Brixton Academy, Honey- great songs with something to songs, obviously not up with crack at Leicester TTie Char- say, dozens of great gigs, The Replacements' 'Let It 3. 3 COLOURS RED - This lotte and Pearl Jam's second good people. I just cant under- Be' but shows that he is stili Is My Hollywood (Fierce night at Wembley. stand how Epic failed so mis- arguably the finest song Panda) erably to iinderstand them. writCT of this generation. 4. SCREAMING TREES - Top 10 Albums of 1996 Dust (Epic) 1. HONEYCRACK - Prozaic Back after three years and this (Epic) Byrds influenced album sim- Finally released a year after I ply rocks. got a tape of it. Stunning 5. STEVE EARLE - I FeeI songs, politically aware with- AIright (Warner Bros.) out being condescending. After jaü, the man retums to 2. THE PURSUIT OF HAP- his country roots. Great re- PINESS - The Wonderful cord. World Of... (Iron Music) 6. AFGHAN WHIGS - Black My favourite band ever re- Love (Mute) lease an album that is certainly up with the high 7. COUNTING CROWS - standards they have set pre- Recovering The Satellites viously, only had it a few (Geffen)

the band's skill at producing ellites' sees them go more 2. SMASHING PUMPKINS Oliveira the top class melodies they roclq^, and features the out- - Tonite (Hut) Artist of 1996 have US accustomed to. standing single 'Angel Of Must be Brace Springsteen The Silences'. 3. COUNTING CROWS - for having the guts to go out 3. OCEAN COLOUR Angel Of The Silences (Gef- singìe-handedly anned with SCENE - Moseley Shoals 6. KULA SHAKER-K (Co- fen) just his acoustic guitar and (MCA) lumbia) 4. SHERYL CROW - If It harmonica and performing Local guys OCS have had a 7. PEARL JAM - No Code Makes You H^py (M&A) some of his best shows fantastic year, hitting the (Epic) around the world. Charts with the great Weller- 5. ALANIS MORRISETTE - like 'The Day We Caught The 8. SHERYL CROW - Sheryl You Leam (Maverick) Train' and even better, 'The Crow (A&M) Top 10 Albams of 1996 Circle'. What a debut al- 9. SUEDE - Coming Up Gig of 1996 1. NIRVANA - From The bumü... and remember...Sur- (Nude) Goes to the emperors of Muddy Banks Of The rey Uni had'em first. 10. MANIC STREET Heavy Metal - Metallica. I Wishkah (Geffen) 4. MALLRATS - Soundtrack PREACHERS - Everything went to the see them in Ma- Though true Nirvana fans (MCA) Must Go (Epic) drid, and by God was it worth were disappointed with this, it making the dfort to go and is an excellent tribute to Nir- What a cool Soundtrack for a see them !!!. They played vana's sublime grange rock hysterically funny movieü Top S Singles of 1996 some stuff from their new al- music. It's a live album and Featuring stuff firomWeezer , 1. R.E.M - E-Bow The Letter biun 'Load', which was OK, man DOES THIS ROCK! ! 1 ! ! Wax, Elastica, Archers Of (Warner Bros.) but the hi^ilights came when Loaf, this is THE Soundtrack thqr played some of their old 2. R.E.M - New Adventures of the year! Featuring the legendary Patti songs: 'One', 'Harvester of In Hi-Fi (Warner Bros.) Smith on vocals, and full of Sonx)w' and a few other clas- 5. COUNTING CROWS - strange instrumentais, this sics. An awesome gig. Though this album certainly Recovering The Satellites has a great melocfy. R.E.M's didn't make an impression on (Geffen) best single since 'Nightswim- the charts, this album is ^at. ming'. Michael Stipe's voice is as Second album fix)mCountin g good as ever, as is the rest of Crows, 'Recovering The Sat- «j> E Finally Presents

o3 c

0) o> X

Yes, Its a Toga Party o O) < c o >S Z ThatiìieansyoucomeinaTOGA \ Q. f Q- -§CL < I t/> U) co 0) JO) D o Yes, A TOGA D o

D CO Lost Years Toga Party out co

FMDAY 13TH DECEMBER co CN TOGA TOGA TOGAUì UNIVERSITY USSU Ents Planner Week Ending Dec 20th OF SURREY UNION So Here ft is Merry Chrifitmafi Everybody'fi having Fun^ CLUB Fr'^"'THi E ONE AND ONLY Saturday Sti only £1 dl night The One Night Stand... See Feature Advert FEAT ANDY JAMES 9 GuestsAowec

Sunday Monday Film Batman Forever n the UoDer Bar Avai ab e from Zorn

Tuesday (Jnplugged Presents Lounge Bar Extended Opening for Xmas LABI 9IFFRE 12-4pm Live 7-1 Ipm Helyn Rose Bor 8pm Mon, Tues, Wed

Thursday Free Film Friday flj ffS piNALLY THE Tickets From Reception Tickets Not Avaìlable On the Door ADVANCEONLYI FEAT BOGUS BROTHERS

Coming Soon M^^M ßoy Brum'N'fiass »Uh Shaa RAGGA JACK AND THE »lAGIC ORCHESTRA THROUGH THE DECADES, 30 YEARS OF USSU ENTS WITH THE FRIDAY NIGHT OUT Chefs' Own Tonnato Soup ^^^

àTraditional Roast Turkey ([Ì2 Christmas Pudding Suprise your partner with a bottle of Gordon Negro! Novelties Traditional Christmas Music Book Now on ext 9343 Sita« The One Night Stand SATU RDAY 14TH DECEMBER Live PA From ^ _ Diana Brown Xmas C earpu I . . 1 We re going to get rid ott all our stocks ( ^AQ st© TD Q n 1 "^Shirts and goodies for 1996 Big, Big Bottie Promo* Your Favourite Beers At Knockdown Prices Plus The Cutting Edge

LI • • • • Review of the Year Top 5 Singles of 1996 1. LIGHTNING SEEDS + BADDIEL & SKINNER - Three Lions (Epic) After Euro 96, this is the new national anthem. And the reason for this? A great song, especially for one about football. 2. GRANT LEE BUFFALO - Homespun (London) 3. DODGY - In A Room (A&M) 4. SQUEEZE - This Summer (A&M) 5. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN - Counting Crows The Ghost Of Tom Joad (Co- (co-producing). If you like thing. Dodgy must be one of lumbia) Springsteen, you'll love this. the best bands England has James 4. LIGHTNING SEEDS - produced in years. Gig of 1996 Artist of 1996 Dizzy Heights (Epic) 6. TOM PETTY AND THE Bruce Springsteen, Brixton 1996 saw Bruce Springsteen Ian Broudie's 4th album under HEARTBREAKERS - Songs Academy, 24/4/96 do the long-awaited solo the name is also his most con- And Music From The Motion The solo acoustic tour was acoustic tour. And what a tour sistent album since the first Picture 'She's The One'. something that doesn't come it has been, selling out all over one 'Cloudcuckooland'. Un- (Warner Bros.) around often and is so amaz- the world and seeing new life like that one though, and very 7. MANIC STREET ingly good, it should be breathed mto a lot of songs, much like the last album 'Jol- PREACHERS - Everything grabbed with all hands and receiving critical acclaim and lification', this is awash with Must Go (Epic) feet. The gig at the Brixton commercial success. Not the singles. Long may this con- Academy was certainly the comeback that had been an- tinue... 8. GRANT LEE BUFFALO - best of the UK gigs,. Witii just ticipated but 1996 sure as hell Copperopolis (London) an acoustic guitar and the has put Bruce right back to the 5. DODGY - Free Peace 9. OCEAN COLOUR SCENE trusty harmonica, Bruce dis- top in terms of performance Sweet (A&M) - Moseley Shoals (MCA) played the most intense per- and songwriting. formance I have seen, proving This, very cleverly titled, al- 10. SPACE - Spiders (Gut) that he is one of the very best bum sees Dodgy experiment a live acts the planet has ever Top 10 Albums of 1996 little more with a few homs seen. What a gig! 1. COUNTING CROWS - Re- here and there, a little banjo, covering The Satellites (Gef- orchestration, that sort of fen) Numnuts Four of the best DJ's in the Singles of 1996 After a long 3 year wait, land, back when compilations STRECTH AND VERN - Counting Crows follow-up the Artist of 1996 where abnost original. I'm Alive classic 'August And Every- Paul Oakenfold. In this the PAUL OAKENFOLD - Fluro before it hit the charts this thing After' with this, more year of the "super DJ" we have was a top tune. rods', "iore consistent album. seen Mr. Oakenfold rise head Mr. Oakenfold at his very best, This shows the further ad- and shoulders above many of giving it large. TORI AMOS - Professional vances in Adam Duritz's his less worthy rivals. Never Widow songwriting abilities. afraid to try new and innova- SASHA and JOHN DIG- It's ail gone far too commer- tive things, travelling the WEED - Northern Exposure cial for my liking but it was 2. SHAWN COLVIN - A Few length and breadth of the Not them again! one of the best tracks about Small Repairs (Columbia) country in search the ultimate at its peak. set, and still managing to pro- RACHEL ALBURN - Out Of Shawn's 4th album, and the duce some banging albums. Her Box best yet, this sees her move Good work fella. Haven't heard it, why not! Club of 1996 more towards mainstream Cream @ Nation, Liverpool. pop-rock and away from folk- THE FIRM - Banging House Top atmosphere, top music, rock. "Diis is definitely benefi- Top 10 Dance Albums of DANNY RAMPLING - A top people, top birds, top set- cial and showcases Shawn's 1996 Voj^ge Into Trance ting and a fucking good time ever improving songwriting PAUL OAKENFOLD, NICK had by all. Although some- skills. WARREN, JAMES LAV- BRANDON BLOCK, LUV times criticised for being too 3. JOHN MELLENCAMP - ELLE - Cream Live 2 DUP, MIKE COSFORD - commercial, they never fail Mr Happy Go Lucky (Mer- Club Classics (Vol. 1) to attract the big names and A class album from start to always put on a storming cury) finish, really capturing that MRS WOODS AND BLU party. If only it wasn't in Liv- The 13th album from John, "live" experience. PETER - Bitter And Twisted erpool. and his best for a few years, TONY DE VIT - Global Un- this mixes his usual heartland PETE TONG, CARL COX, derground folk-rock with dance rhythms SASHA, JOHN DIGWEED - courtesy of Junior Vasquez Essential Mix Music

•••••••• miìlU THELEM0NHEAD5 ALBUM OV TBE - Its Ali True NORMAN & (Atlantic) CHRI5T0PHER- Second single we've had by 'TheLemonheads' andthisis Down The Pub much better than the first one! (Minimal) The single starts with 'Its AH True' a rocky, guitar based, Written and mixed by the catchy time that sadly lasts 'legendary' Arthur Baker, only 2 min 13 secs... Next are who has worked with the 2 acoustic VCTsions of Met- likes of Springsteen, The allica's 'Fade To Black' and RoUing Stones and, more re- Oasis's 'Live Forever' in cently, on Babylon Zoo's which Evan Dando's deep, 'Spaceman', this really is a soulful voice manages to Step down. Yeah, it's sup- transform these songs. A live posed to be a humorous, nov- Version of REO Speed- elty tune, but it is crap. I don't wagon's 'Keep On Loving like dance/house music at the You' closes this magnificent best of times, but this no single... BUY IT. Oliveira. more! Pieaseü James. ••••••••• (released 13/1/97) f/ TERR0RVÌ510N - Easy (Total Ve^as) M B U JR T Sure to be smash from the emmtSTMÄsi Bradford Four, moody and somewhat melancholic. TOBvmixswm Backed with a selection of live tracks recorded earlier FR0m TUE this year. Rob. "mjßm iMsr „ (released 30/12/96)

Trickv the likcs of Ttk^, PortiS' he^d;, ice T iMoik. foc^s* VAmOUB AR116T6 - mg (mthe dance end of Later Volume 2: the spectrmn. AH in ali the album ofiers an. eciectk: sux. Slow [ycjitc ) i'»} troni Hcn Füliciwing the rete ot xul- Haxpei:*^ tripp^ odke "Later^ series, The albutft as6ortniedts> li ytsu know niHJiilv conM.'ms itM,'! \vith Tivhat T mean' Mei

S1N6LE OF THE lieve thQf are the band to follow Oasis to mega-stardom. WEEK This is a great punk-metal 3 C0L0UR5 RED - single, spii^ guitars and a catchy as hell chorus. Also Nuclear Holiday includes the magnificent 'My (Creation) Own Gauge'. Rob. Expect big things for 3 Col- (released 6/1/97) OUTS Red in '97, Creation be- Music Oasis - What's The Story? Oasis, without doubt the best band in the world but what would I think of their 'official magazine'? The purpose of the Official the last twelve months and no Glastonbury was good but I would have just liked some- Oasis Magazine is to bring one regrets this more than the can't believe Knebworth thing a bit more personal to the fans exclusive interviews, band themselves. Despite the wasn't mentioned, nor was band. news, thoughts and photo- media coverage which has be- their tour of America. The ar- graphs contributed by people come an undignified debacle, ticles used were interesting but This magazine is for real fans at Áe heart of the Oasis phe- the lads are more determined none of them were up to date, not the ones that have "Roll nomenon. So much is written than ever to let the music do they were all relating to events With It" recorded off the radio about the band that is either the talking and confound their in the bands career that had and who can't remember the inaccurate or blatantly untrue critics; after all it's just rock happened ahnost a year ago. I days of Tony Mc Caroli as the that the aim of this magazine 'n' roll." wanted to know what they drummer and with a tariff of is to redress the balance and were doing now, I know they £3.50 placed on it it would provide an unadulterated view Well, that's their side of it so are recording so how is the have to be. of events, statements and all what did I think? Well it cer- album going, what were their things of interest concerning tainly had a collection of arti- thoughts of the gigs over the The Official Oasis Magazine the band. This is the only pub- cles that I had not seen before: summer, when are they going can be purchased via mail or- lication with the band's co-op- the making of the sleeve for to release their next single? der by sending a cheque pay- eration and approval and it is "Roll With It", the recording able to Microdot Publications overseen by Noel Gallagher of "What's the Stoiy...?", a se- The tone of the magazine as- for £4.00 (including P&P) to and designed by Brian Cannon lection of photos from a shoot sumed that you know every- the following address:- who is responsible for the Oa- before the band was famous, one who has ever had anything Microdot Publications Ltd sis artwork. photos from their gig in Coiic to do with the record industry, PO Box 11570 August 1996 and Paolo half the time I had to guess London NWl 7WW The press release accompany- Hewitt's account of the Oasis who people were because Glastonbury experience. What there was a lot of name drop- Alternatively it can be pur- ing die magazine said: more could a fan ask for? ping in the articles. This is not chased at any Virgin Megas- "They have the utmost respect to say that I didn't like it as a tore for the cover price of for then- fans and are only too Well, there was a lot more I whole, it is the only magazine £3.50 from the 25th Novem- aware that without them they wanted to know but I guess I have read in months that I ber onwards. are nothing. Personal prob- you can't squeeze it all into read from cover to cover, I lems have played tìieir part in one edition. The review of Odeon Guildford Week Commencing Friday 13th December for 7 days 101 Daimations (U) The Long Kiss Goodnight TheCraft(15) Jack (PG)at 11.15 Showing in two screens (18) Friday and Saturday at 2.00, Ali ticketsjust£U!! Friday and Saturday at 1.00, Friday and Saturday at 1.30, 4.45, 7.15,10.00 2.00, 3.45, 4.45, 6.30, 7.15, 4.15,7.00,9.45 Sunday to Thursday (except Films for ali seasons 9.15,9.45 Sunday to Thursday at 12.30, Wednesday) at 1.15, 3.45, Wednesday 18th December Sunday to Thursday at 12.30, 3.10, 5.50, 8.30 6.15,8.45 How To Make An Ameri- 1.15, 3.00, 3.45, 5.30, 6.15, Dragonheart (PG) Saturday Morning can Quilt (15) 8.00, 8.30 Friday and Saturday at I.OO, Picture Show at 12.45, 3.40,6.10, 8.40 StarTrek: FirstContact<12) 3.45 To celebrate our first week Showing in two screens Sunday to Thursday at (12.15 Mission Impossible (PG) at ai our new cinema, tickets Friday and Saturday at 1.15, notTues or Thürs), 3.00 11.15 will be FREE for this special 2.15, 4.00, 4.50, 6.45, 7.30, Twister (PG) at 10.45 screening! 9.30,10.15 Michael Collins (15) The Santa Clause (U) at Sunday to Thursday at 12.15, Friday and Saturday at 6.30, 10.50 Senior Club 1.00, 2.50, 3.30, 5.30, 6.00, 9.20 The Adventures of Pinoc- 8.15, 8.40 Sunday to Thursday at 5.30, chio (U) at 11.45 Now on two days per week 8.20 A Goofy Movie at 11.00 Tickets will be FREE for Jingle All The Way (PG) First Wives Club (PG) The Hundback of Notre our first wekk of Senior Friday and Saturday at 1.15, Friday and Saturday at 1.45, Dame (U)at 11.15 Club at our new cinema! 3.30,5.45,8.00,10.15 4.30,7.00,9.30 James and the Giant Peach Sunday to Thursday at 1.30, Sunday to Thursday at 1.00. (U) at 10.45 Tuesday 17th December 4.(K), 6.30,8.55 3.30,6.00, 8.35 Wind In the Willows (U) at Remains of the Day (U) 11.30 Doors Open at 1.00 & Cheesy Xmas Bit Is there a Santa? 1. No known species of rein- per second. This is to say that apoky 27.4 MPS; the average enormous air resistance. This deer can fly. But there ARE for each Christian household reindeer runs at 15 MPH. will heat the reindeer in the 300,000 species of living or- with good children, Santa has same manner as a spacecraft ganisms yet to be classified, I/IOOO th of a second to park, 4. The sleigh's payload adds re-entering the earths atmos- and while most of these are hop out of the sleigh, jump another interesting element. phere. The lead pair of rein- insects and germs, this does down the chimney, All the Assuming that each child gets deer will absorb 14.3 not completely rule out flying stockings, distribute the re- nothing more than a medium QUINTILLION joules of en- reindeer, which only Santa maining gifts under the tree, sized Lego set (2 pounds), the ergy. Per second. Each. In has seen. eat the snacks, get back up the sleigh is carrying 321,300 short, they will burst into chimney, get back in the tons not counting Santa who flame almost instantane- 2. There are 2 billion children sleigh, and move on to the is invaribly described as over- ously, exposing the next pair (under 18) in the world. But next house. weight. On land, conven- of reindeer, and creating deaf- since Santa doesn't appear to tion^ reindeer can pull no ening sonic booms m their handle Muslim, Hindu, Bud- Assuming that each of these more than 300 pounds. Even wake. "Hie entire team will be dhist and Jewish children, 91.8 million homes are dis- granting that "flying rein- vaporized within 4.26 thou- that reduces the woiikload to tributed evenly (which we deer" (see point one) could sands of a second. Santa, 15% of the total- 378 million loiow to be false but for the pull TEN TIMES the usual meanwhile, will be subjected orso. At an average rate of 3.5 sake of these calculations we amount, we can not do the job to centrifugal forces children per household, that's will accept) we are now talk- witìi 8 or even 9. we need 17,500.06 times the force of 91.8 million homes. One pre- ing about .78 miles per house- 214,000 reindeer. This in- gravity. A 300 pound Santa sumes there's at least one hold, a total trip of 75 1/2 creases the weight, not even would be pinned to the back good child in each. million miles, not counting counting the sleigh, to of his sleigh by 4,315,015 ba^oom stops. This means 353,430 tons. Again, for pounds of force. 3. Santa has 31 hours of that Santa's sleigh is travel- comparison this is 4 times the Christmas to work with, ling at 650 miles per second, weight of the Queen Eliza- thanks to time zones and the 3000 times the speed of beth 2. 6.Conclusion: There was a rotation of the earth, assum- sound. For comparison, the santa but now he's dead ing he travels east to west. fastest man made vehicle, the 5. 353,000 tons traveling at This works out to 822.6 visits Ulysses space probe moves at 650 miles per second creates Christmas - Hell on Earth? socks for your Uncle Dave, stop them finding their pre- There would be no joke gifts hat is the one and trying to think what to get sents early, are screaming and and nothing to save up until thing that your sister. However to beat throwing tantrums left, right your birthday as you would Weveryone the rush you need to start in and centre. Shopping for receive what you wanted. The remembers about September. Christmas seems Christmas must be endured, it one thing I could not live Christmas? The giving of to start earlier and earlier, makes us ^precíate the day without would be the January presents that no one with shops putting out their so much more, at least the sales when the stores try to get wants and the receiving decorations after âe middle stores are closed! rid of the stock that di

Imagine the best day of your life... \ow Multiply it by 7Î RAG WEEK IS COMING!! Under New Mangement, Rag has had a facelift, and now needs new raggies to help organise Rag Week Rag is a student run society that raises money for charity through having a laff ! ! CAN YOU HANDLE IT? Rag Meeting: Tuesday 17th December 1996 Cross Word Crossword No. 40 Across 13.Adrug(8) I. Assert without proof (6) 15. Interesting incident - does 4. Mean (6) pie! (7) 9. Small change (5) 16. Acquire (6) 10. A thrashing (7) 17. Aftemoon service - in es- II. being ready for (8) tate! (3-3) 12. Hunted animais (4) 19. A two-footer! (5) 14. Hopeless (9) 21. Spouse(4) 18. Infant (4) Last Weeks Solution 20. Give an account of (8) Across: l.allege 4.intend 22. Assign to an office (7) 9.pence lO.licking ll.await- 23.Jogs(5) ing 12.game 14.desperate 24. Jogged(6) IS.baby 20.describe 22.ap- 25. Stress (6) point 23 .trots 24.nudged Down 25.accent 1. Make an eamest request (6) 2. Cord hanging roimd neck Down: l.appeal 2.1anyard (7) 3.greatest 5.nice 6.Erica 3. Most eminent (8) 8.flannelette 13.narcotic 5. French holiday resort - 15.episode I6.obtain 17.tea- pleasant! (4) set 19.biped21.wife 6. Heather - in America! (5) 7. Followed closely - deter- Crossworsworda LiOmpueCompileda mined!(6) by Jeff Blawliam 8. Cotton material - Len felt neat(anag.)(ll)

Story From Readers Digest This Is Ihe Irajiscipl of an actual radio coii\ crsation of The a US warship w illi Canadian auihorities of Newfoiind- BARE SIDE H0....H0I laiid on lOlh Oclobcr 1995. Radio coin ersation released by the Chief of Na\ a! Opéra- tions. Amcrcians: Please alter course 15 dcgrecs Norlh lo avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend YOU alter course 15 dcgrees Soulh to avoid a eollision. Anicricans: This is the Cap- tain ofa US Navy warship. I say again. aller course lo a\ oid collision. Canadians: Negative. I say again, YOU aller course. Americans: THIS IS TIIF USS VIC'1-NNliS. WBARH A WARSHIP 01- THH US EVERV CHRiSTMftS TONv'S PfìRENTS WOULD TERWFV Hlf^ NAVY. AI.n-.R COURSE W\TH STORIES OF h SrRftNCrE OLD ^^Plî WHO VJDOLD IMMl-DIATl-LY! ENrEJ?. HlStooW\ AT M\GrHT DRftWlrlMCr fì SftCK, ^ Canadians: This is a light- hoiise. Your clìoice. «i> Personals • Meny Christmas Wey 1 - • to the woolies night toy fill- • Happy Christmas to all • Alicia: You have the most got any Sara Lee left? ing crew - it's fabulous SOBS and DOMS....and an beautiful assasinating • Shandy - chili baby, it will sweetie. FS even happier New year!! eyes... soon be over...M xxx • Merry Christmas to every- • FRANKIE: Jamaica leave • Golden Bollocks - you're • Its lucky that bears forgive body on Wandel 3, ? Now where will you sleep my hero! love Bunny Pa- when bribed with a big pot Bearhug from the Fishball prika ofhoney! Woman. • P - have a happy Xmas - T • The carol singers are • WAHEY!-Kai's old • Thanks for everything • Gimme Gimme Gimme a sacked. Never did Jingle enough to get into the Un- guys, see u in Jan 97, Love man after midnight!!! Bells sound so bad. ion!! Jezebel • Winnie-the-Pooh is in a bit • Hey, Seven-Eleven - have • Fniity Forest Gloss, Dis- • Ciao Monica - Hope to see of a pickle. you found the mistletoe gusting - fancy not remem- you during week 15 - Hope • Willy Wonka and your yet? bering if it's 8 or 9!! You that you are well - Emma chocolate factory. Hnúnm. • I want 2 cucurrucus ! ! ! ! need to start a scorechart. Parker (UNT) • Volleyball X-mas Party? But is it 8 or 9 times a night • Antonia - will you keep • Happy Birthday Scrumpy Did we have one? Can't re- or 8 or 9 men? your New Years resolu- Jack member... • Scorpio - Nice to know you tion?? • Dear O Smelly One - was • FRANKIE: Dog, lettuce, take an interest in my sex • Happy Xmas Wandle 3. dasher blind without oíd crumpet, housewife, fish- life, but sorry honey you'11 "You gotta roll with it" rudolph the red nosed rein- ing rodjelly bean, froggy, never be in it - so give up - next Friday. Chris and Fer deer to guide her?? - must soapy, red, negligable Gallagher. dash, love fimky V LizM • Mr .Woody, Mr Wimpey Hedgehog • Loads of alcohol to help us • FRANKIE, Eli, and Mr Attitude er, helio! • Seen any nice christmas get through it ö'ou know FRANKIE, Eli, Where have you all been? trees lately KIM!! who you are!!) FRANKIE, Eli - Who ? House 23 and The Playboy • Lukey, Lukey, Lukey, well • Bürger Queen. Hope you • Can't miss a week without Bunny await your pres- done on Guildford Court! get your burgers worth! ! a personal about eloping - enceü • From a very unhappy Bear, • "Vicky, Mark's only get- I'm still tom really :-) • FRANKIE:Watch out for to his favourite Bunny who ting some Variation! -Wav- • Kelly dancer bird. How are p-p-p-p-parked c-cars.A-a- didn't spot his message! ing Wapest" the falling over classes go- a-a-and g-guinea pigs w- ing? Smart chicks don't do with no c-collars! • Got your window full yet • "DurcellBunny, Why have dance Scrumpy? you run out of energy. • R+L: Tryyourkeysnotthe • Noel: Finally we get to Take that wetsuit off, it • Nath and Debbi - finally! doorbell tonight. meet your girlfriend! It's weighs you down too About time! Have firn • Limpet - Club record about time we met ONE of much. How big is that • I have had enough!!! stands at 40 secs. Can't you them. arse?????? - • Auntie Veefa, We saw you do better? Love the Mad • ** /action does the V sign • To all my friends - see you snogging on the dance Cows week 15,1,ve missed you - floor - er, hello? Half an Emma Parker (UNT) • Bunny Pande. Mygolden • Is it possible to get un- hours sleep's no good for bollocks have regained dressed, on your own, • Ex-Euro player. We didn't you - especially when no their shape. when you dont even know realise you had already swimmings involved!! • Chocalate Caliente, Don't how you got home?? vowed to take her in sick- • Windband - Appologies stress. See you in your cór- • WANTED: DOMS are off ness and in health for absence. see you all in ner soon?Musu batX Tu on their placements after • Psycodelic blue shirt boys summer. RS Pulpito Favorito christmas, replacements birthday! - have a good one • Topgirl -1 wonder if Simon • HI ERICA!!!!! are required.... mechies • Paul-thankyou for my day heard ??? - topman. • I'm sorry I can't make need not apply! Reply to -X • Bimny Cumin - loaded! Xmas dinner guys, but I'11 bs54sm. • Winnie the pooh - i didn't hair, love Bunny Paprika be there in spirit (the ghost • To you all: Hope you have want to sound like a grand- • E 2/07 - I am pleased we of Xmas drink) love Play- a great Christmas, but try to mother, topman. have sorted everything out, boy Bunny!! limit your alcohol in- at long last! BC take. You'll need to save up • To all the blokes and birds • There's you and I and the for the big bash at New in Hse. 52 U/C (95-96) - • Real Madrid 0 Barcelona 3 Love inbetween! Year. See you wk.l5 - love (easy pissy....) • Twyford E 02 + special Emma Parker (UNT) • FRANKIE: Can I have guests, counciling sessions • Caroline - Happy Birth- • Jeff - great improvement, vegetarian plus chilli, no begin this week. day!! Luv EK,coke, and thanks. Do we get dazzling cheese,extra olives & pep- • Dan, Andrew and Angela, Temp, have a brilliant technicolour next time? pers and garlic on the side. I'm really looking forward day... Pea Brain • Sony for the banging on to that Bacardi party on Fri- • Mark 'Sparky' Dilnot, • Ah sweetpity where would the wall Kate. We'll pull day!! Miss Fishball. been doing any stalking re- Our love lives be without the bed away from the wall • Golden Bollocks - Heard cently? Golden Bollocks. it,we've got the Lynwood next time. S.C.&F. you scored saturday! Man- • DOMs...guess it's good- illness DOH! • BOTTOM FLOOR of-the-Match as well, con- bye...and all the best...we • Cyber-lettuce : when are HOUSE E TWYFORD grats. Bunny C. love you forever. SOBs we having our next family COURT. YOU'RE ALL • We want loads and loads of • To all the Meringues, all plan "sobremesa" ? . el F****** INSANE. chocolate and cream for fools have good luck. bama WHAT WERE YOU DÖ- you know what!!!!!!!! Waiting for you in Bar- ING TO PAUL? celona. Que pasa pues? Fer Clubs and Socs NetGamer Society - ^Shoot Up In The Union' Storm clouds had gathered who wished to use their brain, Level Editing - The Union drink included in the price, overhead. Many warriors had 7-piayer Quake on Pentiums Revision blues getting you and not a residential area in gathered together for what for those who didn't (or down? Nothing to look for- sight, looks like a class eve- was to be the ultimate clash couldn't), and the large video ward to over Christmas but ning. Only a few tickets lefl so this semester. Testosterone projector showing the Quake cold turk^ sandwiches and a email netgamer if you're in- piimped, adrenalin surged, battle for those who weren't. slobbery kissfrom Granny ? If terested. tactics were discussed, feel- so, join our working team at- ings were soaring and the bar Beginners and masters alike tempting to tum campus into Web Page was open. Who could ask for fought for the respect of their a battleground (in the Duke As the first truly on-line soci- more? peers (even though the begin- Nukem 3D sense). If you're ety, we are fiùling utilising neers did get a bit pasted) and interested in desiging your the University's network ca- After only running for a few a good time was had by ali in own levels for Duke Nukem pabilities. This means that the months, and several days of this friendly competition. 3D or Quake, then download best way to fìnd out whats disorganised panie, Net- Faithful members even had the tools from our web page, going on is to look at the web Gamer were finally given the unique characters in the give US a shout and help us page and email us at these ad- go-ahead to run a large fest on game, there was Hobbes the dresses. the dance floor of the main not so friendly tiger, a ram- tum University into a violent union. No more were we paging nursey, a walldng tar- virtual playground. http://www.ee.surrey.ac.uk/ boxmd to the no-drinking-no- get (literally!) and the honey Christmas Do - 19th Dee Societies/netgamer smoking laws of the teaching monster. NetGamer is spreading its [email protected]. ac ,uk block. PCs carne from far and glorious wings to extend be- wide hearing the battle scars The scores, the screen shots yond campus and envelope a However if you fancy run- of too much games playing, and much more can be seen locai Intemet Cafe. Yes, on ning round darkened corri- not enough work. on our web page so get surf- the 19th of December, for a dors with a chainsaw and ing. measly £13, YOU could be shotgun, but couldn't teli an There was something for eve- Coming soon (hopefully) - joining a horde of drunken information superhighway ryone there: Elite on a BBC The Bullfrog/NetGamer game-players in Quaiks for from a lay-by on the A34, pop micro for the traditionalists, Toumament. the Christmas 'Quake & a note in our pigeon hole. 3-player Warcraft 2 for those Beer' Fest. With food and Waz Unplugged - Labi Siffre - Folk Club Lower Bar Tuesday 17th December (Something Inside) So Strong me" and has made a multitude abi Siffre is an of intemational performances established and over a period of twenty five Linternationally years. In the late 1980s, Labi respected musician witii Siffre has been captured by seven albums and many poetiy and makes strong and intense readings in live per- hit songs. He is the writer formance. He now also in- and perfonner of the Ivor cludes readings of his poems Novello Award winning at ali of his musical pôrm- song "(Something ances bringing poetiy to a Inside) So Strong". This wider audience. song was written for the On Tuesday 17th December, black community of Labi Sifíre will be perform- apartheid South Africa, it ing in the Lower Bar at Un- plugged/Folk Club, together has been adopted as an with ñoor singers "Jacobs anthem by the Tale", "Claire Haggert", Ai- marginalised and dan and members of Red- disposed throughout the wood. The evening begins at world. Spm and entry is £1, valid Further hits include "It must NUS or students union card. be love", "Ciying, Laughing, This is a night not to be Loving, Lying" and "Watch missed. m Sport c61irÍ5tiDas Leap Into Next Semester! tima wbon «boppe» burry p«vt Surrey Sport & Dance Opportunities - Spring 1997 Ali Clubs, classes, workshops and courses will be ttU>o¿ tb« bu^ ttfBSts, startingfrom the first day of next semester - MON- asd cacopboolc carol stoging «my pasMr ¿iMta DAY 13TH JÂNUÂRY. tima wbm wool compoiea baardi fbr aom» Registration for the following courses is now open: ID r«d and wbita, Yoga Tai Chi Dry Skiing Community Sports Lead- fairy tala of blm wltb altt!¿bs tbat fliea ership Squash Self Defence Golf St John Ambu- tba eva of cQbriatinaa nigbt lance Life Saver Plus Dance - Tap, Jazz, ^ tima wban ¿ifts and plaasantriaa and amilas Contemporary, Ballet, Indian, Greek, Appalachian do go areusd You must enrol andpay at the Campusport Centre ¿anaath tb» miatlatoa tbay go INADVANCEfor ali these courses. fbr kisgaa to ba fouod tima wban traaa mtb glowing ligbta bang ornamants io laavaa you b«ar agaín "mora blasiad til to giva tban Campusport Social & I.d. Présentations A reminder to ali Departmental Sports Repré- to racaiva**! sentatives that both you, your winning and runner S%ougb c^riatmaB but ooca yaarly comai. tw teams are welcome to the Varsity Centre next tima wban alt rôica, Wednesday I8th December at 1.00 p.m. to take part tba birtb of ^m wbo cama to dia. in the célébrations and receive your awards. bas laft US wtb a cboica. uare 9ficbaal «Tabaya miversity 'iven up the atmosphere! See you there. Notices A Red Cross Basic First Aid course will be heid in TB 11 on Tuesdays, weeks 2-5 from 7.30pm to 9.30pm next semester. The course itself is free and opai to ali but you will need to buy a manual, which will cost about £5. Places are limited so you will need to book. Contact Katherine on ext 4171 or bsólkih as soon as possible. AV Students Union Clubs and Societies The Erb's Palsy Group (Registered Charity 1036423) is holding a sponsored slim starting Ist Jan 1997. The Erb's Palsy Group is a medical charity mainly helping birth-damaged childrea Sponsorship forms are available from Cathedral Court Reception. Contact Barbara Ellis, c/o Cathedral Court, for more details. Re-Freshers Fcvre Sujeeva Wanigatunga (Elee Eng 1987) would be interested in providing accommodation for students going to Sri Lanka for education purposes. Contact him on [email protected] or through Jane Cohen, Alumni Officer, Ext 9260. whe 2pm-6pm Wetíiesdo/ Week Î, 15th Jonurary 1997 Do You Train In The Gym? Would you like to improve your techniques, leam more about training or become qualifíed to teach oüiers? If the answer to where these is yes, we have the opportunity for you. Students Union The Fitness Club is running a two day weight training course on Saturday llth and Sunday 12th Januaiy which will be taught by a National Instnictor from the British Amateur Weightlifting Association. Anyone can do it, you don't have to be a serious trainer AND if you sit and pass the exam at the end you can work in any gym for extra cash. Why Nof? Cost for the weekend is £85 for University of Surrey students. For infomiation contact the Fitness Club. Sport VacatioD Aerobic Sports news... Classes f you think that one term. The Knockout stages of wül take over offîcially on the COME DOWN AND the competition Start on Feb- first day of week 11 in semes- WORK OFF THAT TUR- of your New Years ruary 5th and all Siurey teams ter two. All club members KEY AND CHRISTMAS Iresolutions may be to will be competing in one should tum up as they may PUD AT OUR VARIOUS get fitter or join in to competition or anoêr. find that their club no longer AEROBIC SESSIONS AND more activities, instead All clubs have been asked to exists without their support. START THE NEW YEAR of just spending life in provide something for the If you are thinking of running WITHZEST!! the bar, then do not first ever Sports Clubs news- for a position but are not sure Monday 30th December & despair, Wednesday of letter. If your club hasn't sub- about how to go about it or 6th January: 6.00 - 7.00 mitted anything a disk, what is involved then a series p.m. Olive Messenger leads week 1 will see a compatble with Word 6 needs of articles will be running in an evening aerobics session re-Freshers Fair in the to be dropped into the Sports Bare Facts. The rest of the ten in the UnivCTsity Hall Students Union for all Office before the end of term. week term will also be inter- Sports Clubs and spersed with short training Tuesday 7th January: 1.00 The new Running Club have sessions for the incoming - 1.50 p.m. Elaine Cole's Societies. You can still been doing very well in the club officiais. N.B. All clubs Lunch Time Aerobics in the join in! London Colleges Cross- are student-run, so if no-one Campusport Studio. country Championships. wants to run them then they 1.10 - 1.45 p.m. Tina Sports Club officiais reading They are placed 2nd overall aren'truni O'Shauglmessy will run her the abovc note should see as aflCT the first three races and Lunch Time Stretch in the soon as possible to arrange they won their last race at The ski trip are going away Dance Department Studio. their stall. International so- Wimbledon in November. over New Year so good luck cieties should see Noel and We will be Staging om own to them and finally have a Friday 3rd & lOtfa Janu- General societies should see race here in February. Merry Christmas and a ary: 5.30 - 6.30 p.m. Chve Salty Kentfield, the Internal You may have read last week Happy New year from the Messenger with Boxercise in Afîairs officer. that all club AGM's will be Sports Office. the Campusport Studio. Last week saw the end of the held in the two weeks prior to Take the Hint. B.U.S.A. compétition for this Sabbatical elections. They

Hove you ever seen a really good film? WAN1ED Hove you ever told someone eise how good it Lunafic people that like to bouoce was? aroimd. The Trampotìne club is looking for new members. I>on*t delay bounce Hove you ever been paid for Ii? along today! vMLstaodards from complete beginners to Olympìc aces Well, Witti some recommendations you could end ìfirelcome. Pop your name and téléphoné up gettìng pald... number in the Trampoline pigeon hole ...MONEY! Interested In finding out a bit more?

(Dont worry. NO 'hard seil' or obligation here)

It you are Interested please contact elther: Steve Oe-WKit, Sports Offtccr a11 members of t^e Sports Executive Nikki on e-mail: [email protected] or wovil^ like to wisÎi Sports Club Members a verv^ Merr%< OirîstmAS Emma on e-mail: [email protected] AMt» A H^ppif New YcAr

See x\ou a11 bAck "fit Mib heäiUh\\" next semesterl