N O C O M M E N Tu S

DOWNER SETS (DOUBLE) STANDARD

Another school year ks (too) Downer. quickly coming to an end, and wc Each of us should be filled with such a sense of pnde ever^, felt that it is necessary to offer up time we enter Downer. JuSf our praises and thanks to the knowing I can have as much to good people at Downer Food eat as I want, no questiuons Services. (Come on, guys, play asked, gives me shivers. In fact along.) There really have b©«n (not fiction), I was just thinking some good things happening about this recently. Gee, it seems there this year. Let's see if I can like just yesterday I was in line at single out a few. Downer... Uh, well, the new soup "I’d like a steak.’’ bowls are pretty swell. Since May I have your ticket?" they are bigger than the old "OK, I'll play along. May I bowls, we can now fit one whole PLEASE have a steak?” ladel of soup into a bowl, without 'Ticket.” dripping the extra over the edges. "NO, you've got it all And the ice cream machine wrong. This is Downer seems to be pretty good, but I Commons of Lawrcnce never have any. What’s the deal University; The home of the all with this yogart stuff anyway? you can eat meal.” Do people actually like to eat that "You can't have a steak stuff? unless you have a ticket." So let’s talk garnish. I know "But usually I can have as every time I get bored with the much of anything as I want." Rik Warch Unveils Xanadu meal and don’t finish, I feel very ’Well, tonight we’ve set guilty. Someone went to a lot of aside the regular rules. Tonight is trouble to make those things. steak night, and you need a ticket What right do I have to say the if you want to have your alottod food is boring, when it had such one steak." No Commentus lovely garnishes surrounding it to ...Yeah, it seems like only please my eyes. yesterday. I suppose that the Oh, the new salad bars. Or correct thing for us studentito do by Ace Diamond were those last year? I don’t is to sue the administration for Fellow Lawrentians, I am about to adjourn. I barely escaped remember. But they’re pretty false advertising. I chose to come writing this article at great risk to with my life in these suspicious nice. And the lettuce is greener here because of the awsome my own life. I am sitting in a events, and in the last example I ndftdays than when I was a prospect of a vinual feast at every cramped, dimly-lit, roach-infested untied myself just before the freshman. And there is more meal. The literature I recieved as room in a comer of the basement stampede arrived which would choice. Hey, and Jell-o. a high school senior stated that of the heating plant. Since my have trampled me into a pancake. Everyone loves Jell-o. Sevre that one could eat as much as one pulitzer-bound expose of President But I have more startling news, more often. It makes us all feel wanted at any meal. Warch’s (alias ’The Grinch ) fellow victims of our like kids again. And hard boiled Did I miss an asteftk, or a treachery concerning the purchase silver-tounged president's cruelty. eggs. I have my two every day. footnote? Was there some (very) of several million Mayfly eggs The lies and treachery haven't Should be good for my arteries. I fine pnnt that stated that the all from the small island of Matumba stopped with the disappearance of used to only have cottage cheese, you can eat rule would be hit the streets, several attempts the Mayflies. My informant. Strep but I quickly got bored with that, revoked whenever the purchasing have beer, made on my life. One Throat, has come up with some so I welcome the eggs. depanement flubbed the paper morning I awakened to find startling new information that But, most important, and I work and ordered something myself chained in a seat at a indicates that once again we are think sometimes we forget this, is good? Please, I want to know. convocation concerning the role of mere pawns in a game of cruelty that Downer allows us to eat as I'm losing sleep over this the deteriorating ozone problem and deceit at the hands of our much as we want. How many (article). and the moral question it poses for esteemed President Warch. other schools allow you to do What a fine standard to set. the Fox Valley, another time I Going on a clue that our this. I don't know, I've only ever A double standard, but a standard awakened to find myself strapped awe-inspiring leader supposedly gone here. no less. I suppose that it deserves in a chair and forced to discuss stated "So they know about the But still, this must be a all the respect that one can muster philosophy with several workers Mayflies, eh? Well the game fairly significant feature of up. (I gave up mustenng.) from the physical plant, and doesn't stop there, kiddies," Strep Lawrence University. I think if And that, boys and girls, is another time I awakened to find purchased some burglar equipment it wasn't, then the tour people why I exercised my right to all I myself tied down in front of a and ransacked the famed office of wouldn't state it so plainly while could eat, and ate five chicken Downer ice cream machine right Plea»e see 2. column 1 taking prospectiveS through hogies for lunch yesterday. before an all-soronty meeting was Campus News Opinion Page 2

continued from page 1 To the editor: on, and those nights when good luck finds you almost our fearless head honcho. What he contracts for 36 members of the Fear and Loathing in immediately, and you find found in the Louis the 14th desk "Fox Valley Insomniacs Club" to Appleton yourself wandering around in one will set back come and mow the Lawrence by Amy Bell of the best dazes you've been in all student administration relations lawns at any time after 3 o'clock in term. hundreds of years. the morning, an order for 12 tons Having had only five hours So, as the term, the year, the Strep found a plan detailing of "potato chip casserole" to be of sleep the past three nights in a college career wind down, take the the fall of the greek system by served at various special dinners, row . .. having told Rik Warch on time to relax, go for long walks, Wednesday night to start drinking and do things that you can only making it impossible for the sophisticated plans detailing how lots of pitchers . . . having had an laugh at the next day. residents of the fraternity houses to make all of the campus hot extremily light course load this to get any sleep and therefore too water disappear when the most term . . . having tie-dyed t-shirts tired to study. I le found a detailed people are in the shower, contracts for 24 members of the "terminally for the grill ladies. . . and having map of the nearest grade schools uncoordinated" division of the Fox recently re-read several Dr. Hunter and profiles of hundreds of the Valley athletic association to S. Thompson's works . . . I have students with detailed descriptions T h e Preferred. become security guards, and a reached but one conclusion: of their voices at shouting level. Mainly, that LAWRENCE IS A After several hours of puttint memo from the "criminally strict" Law ren t tan STRANGE PLACE. together many clues, Strep division of the Fox Valley mental I mean, face it. We're paying discovered a plan that brings 67 of health complex stating that they to go to school in a place where the loudest children in the fox have 9 more patients ready to become head residents at we get hassled by the Gimbel's #ubIi0& er:iW avccis Valley to the quad at 5:30 in the Gang (Fields' Gang?) every time morning. A sophisticated Lawrence. we try to get toothpaste at amplification system is then Now that I've reported these < £ & ito r : JGoftn IDeaiic dastardly moral outrages, fellow Walgreen's or a beer down the rigged, into which the chlidren are Ave. after 11pm. When the wind instructed to scream as loudly as Lawrentians, I think it's time I left the friendly confines of Lawrence blows the wrong way the air is so Writers: they can. This goes on for 57 foul the birds die. minutes, when 38 of the whiniest, for good. I haven't heard from Spudly But there is something shrillest sounding dogs in the Fox Strep in three days-I think they appealing about the strangeness, Elvis Valley are brought by a large might find him wearing cement Pumas at the bottom of the mighty or rather, uniqueness, of our Amy school bus to the quad and student body. No matter what you instructed to bark for the next 57 Fox. If you recall my last article, I do or where you go, you will be minutes. When this is concluded, ended with a plea for you students to end the famous "Lawrence face to face with an interesting the children and the dogs scream jctd n; and bark for 23 minutes, when Inifference" and let our president blend of students. Just think they are deported back to their know you're mad as heck and about the people you've eaten lunch with, partied with, or spent homes by these same buses. aren't going to take it anymore. I f l H r a d c am asking for the same thing now, time with on an off-campus But the horror dosen't stop M ar< * i there. Strep also discovered a note but I don't have time to help with a program. Where else but at from our president to the head of plan of action. I hear the distinct Downer Sunday Brunch could you find Muffy and Buffy the pink the supposed architect firm that rattling of keys which could only 9 a r - w a n sorority lizards trading boot stories supposedly designed the supposed mean the inevitable lumbering of a RtfMa upcoming Art Center. This note trusty Lawrence security guard, so with Joe the Dead Head? reads "Jeff-I think they bought it! it's time to hit the road to But all you can do when M a i r Those psuedo-intellectual pansy Washington to collect another looking at the wierdness that 9 i r r y abounds around you is glory in it. college kids actually think there's Pulitzer for this earth-shaking Lf im going to be a new art center!! It scoop. Good luck, Lawrentians, Glory in the nights you've spent Jtfhrt Martm worked!!! The check is in the but remember: "I he Grinch" is wandering from place to place to mail." Strep then discovered a still out there, and he knows we're find something, anything, going contract that paid two thousand wise to his game. dollars a day to seven "executive-looking men," who are being paid this outrageous sum to stand and gaze thoughtfully at the present art center as it they were going to have something to do with the raising of a new art building. Just after Strep discovered this he heard the jangling of keys NE.W f RONTER that could only mean the arrival of a security guard, so he grabbed an -Record H xchangc envelope and bolted out the back - , * * * ■ 4 door. In this envelope he found WI BUY tSLL A TRADE MUSIC the most atrocious and audacious administration manuevers since the A block west of Pat's; recent tuition increase. turn right on Durkee St. In this envelope he found a plan that paid for twelve souped-up 1972 GTO's (minus mufflers) and the employment of 48 of the local youth at eight dollars an hour. These youth were CoAQrat ufofions to the then instructed to drive up and down College Ave. until sunrise, Class of 87* throw things at students wearing Lawrence jackets, yell rude and obscene things to Lawrence girls, TkaoL. far ,11 .L .r.i wltk 1 and accelerate and try to hit any obviously intoxicated Lawrentian who might be foolhardy enough to * * R I • n J a 5 • 11 • r try and cross the street. Also in this envelope were: details on how to make the flattest The future belongs to those mho beer humanly possible for consumption at the Viking Room, prepare for it." an order for 12 "ready-break" racquets and 7 uninflatable --Ralph Waldo Emerson basketballs for the Rec Center, Campus News Vikings expect improvement next year?

Moving Sale: Everything must go. Relocation of building due to New Art Center size miscalculation

Steve, Seniors, Congratulations ! You were correct on identifying this person as an attendee of the International Conference on Vouue made it !!! Non-Treatment decisions. However, his name is Grant Gillett, not Edward Pop your sweetheart with Mielke. the uery best in chains, rings, watches, and other gifts. “It occurred to me I wasn’t having that much fun [)$e yooc hd Strvr Sicftcl Sam Belinke Jewlers- College Ave.

Personals FREE

Wonderful Whitewater Rafting Wanted: ITS NOT HOW MUCH with the Outdoor Recreation Club Tennis partner. Prefer someone able to Saturday, May 23rd Only $5 00. First 40 return serve on a frequent basis (te. more people to sign up with Ann B Brownell - than lean.) Must be able to maintain ITS HOW OFTEN 210 Sage - 6880 will go complete confidentiality about match scores Our investigator went to great lengths to retrieve To the blond that bailed me out at CUB Call Andy at 6896 these lost personals that you have been begging Foods: for. Should you desire your quarter back, phone I can't remember your name and there are Congratulations to the mens track team fo Steve Siegel at \6862. He has the money. umpteen million blonds at L.U. Wish to winning the 1987 Wisconsin Private pay you, please call - 734-6761. Colleges Championship Come witch th* Mke A men and women in their tone home appearance in the Viking Relays, Sat . Ma> ~.BUT A SWORD 2nd, 12 noon. Insanity returns... You cannot escape me By running to your precious flock Hey Dobbe, Found: A black com purse on the sidewall New Age and more. Steely Dan, Rickie For I am not the wolf outside, WE BEAT CARROLL. near Ormsby - contact Carrie x6870. Lee, Dead, Jarreau. Because we care But the goat among the sheep. Rappin' about you, yes you, our listening Sharon - audiences. Ares, the Ram Hey Virgil, You're bearable... And then some' Tues 8:30 - 10:30 WLFM God of War and of Fire You slaughT erd them last night.(or Remember, I'm a glutton for punishment. My blade removes the weak. enslaved) With you, we alt felt im MORT a Thanks for Everything! Getting stuck in any old room as a junior orAs my flame refines the ore. P S. ROME! a senior simply because it will save Chris (Whisper) T roy prepares to sail * Jeanne, Frantz some headaches7 Now I know My task is not a pleasant one, •The Lyng Trojans The last six months with you has been what the Lawrence Difference is. I am not thanked when I smash Nifex • wonderful. Let me fulfill all your fantasies The weak foundation. Beth and Chris Loveyou, Congradulations! We re proud of youl Your mother was scared to put you m a But if your security is illusion, Chad I do you service in destroying its playgroup. Rch: Andy, hand me that crowbar This Falsehood. LiT girl, thing is jammed! Amy, Molly, and Debby, None have fett "It is only going to get better* Andy: OK Rich, but use my racket Thanks to you we had to throw away half my own scourges That is one promise I will hold you too. instead I don't need it anymore our wardrobe. as often as I. Wait! Are there degrees of perfection - of Your Sisters Utopia - of ecstasy. Kelly Bunte is WhppedlH p.s. We still Love You I came not to bring pe Lf boy Personals FREE

Cathy Bunch, ’’You don’t have AIDS, do you?" Recent testing, conducted by the Physical Noel. The unknown Boy lives down the street. -excerpt from a Sage Hall conversation. Plant, has determined that paper is just as You're an inspiration to us all. In his red jacket he cant be beat flammable, if not more flammable, than Metal United You know you are a third term senior candles and/or ceiling hangings. Th erf ore, perspiration? - Ed Hey U, if...You seriously consider the substantial the Campus Life office had decreed that, Is this love? I think so. I wish you were task of removing all of your belongings beginning September 1987, the use of McEnroe and Shadow, here so I could love you every day andfrom your room during the alio ted 6 hours any item, which in any way involves You mom. Your mom. your mom, every night. Have fun. I miss you. after graduation. paper, by any member of the Lawrence your mom. Al myI oms is yours, student community shall be prohibited. Z (Pickles) You know you are a third term senior This includes, but is not limited to, Is it my imagination or, is it impossible if...You wish you had a nickel for every posters, calendars, record album jackets, for Delts to use the past tense of deal BB- Xerox copy you made in the library notebook paper, textbooks, letters from in a sentence and not be confused? You are so beautiful! Is that corny during the past four years. home, letters to home, pictures of your enough? Thanks for such a great year! friends, the Green Sheet, the This Week. Hey Earwax Letters over the summer and breakfast in You know you are a third term senior playing card, tissues, etc. We ask that When’s your birthday? We have a bed. Donut Runs and slumber parties! if...You remember when a twenty-five you please stop using products of this box of Q-tip6 for you ! IWY, cent personal only cost a dime. nature in the residence halls, where they D.D. have been determined to be a Fire hazard. Keena, Signed, Since products of this nature are not The happiest B day to you! Third-term Senior #1 necessary for your continuing enjoyment Love, You're Wierd- here at Lawrence, we feel that this is a Jeanne (and You've been a super little sis and For Sale: small sacrifice in the interest of Reggie, William, Thomas, Nate, and the I’m going to miss you lots. But look Complete Stereo Rack System. Cheap. everyone's safety Testing of clothing and majority of the male population!) out for August. VA to Rl and all points Must sell. Call x6862. A?k for Steve. bed linens will be conducted, as time and in between will know about 2/3 of the resources permit, by student workers Casey • - - I mean Andy Triumvirate. You know you are a third term senior during the summer work session. The How do you clean satin sheets? Love, if...You remember when Steve Goodie results, and any implications, will be A. send them httme to mom - Ed Near recorded his cassette "singles" containing published this coming fall. This action is "Preppy Socks" and "One Love You." necessary as the assumption that no Hobie- Mom, 18-22 year old would be dumb enough to ’Tm just hanging on" Thanks for everything. It's been You know you are a third term senior set fire to their home has recently been -Scott the greatest thing - I think ? if...You remember that "Preppy Sock" was shown to be a false assumption. Love, intened as a mockery of some other John Ulven is a GOD Your son. current third term seniors, and they all In accordance wilh the new fire codes. -L.U. women "loved" him for writing a song that they Sigma Phi Epsilon is now conducting fire -Pedro could "relate" to. extinguisher tests. If interested, please Will there be any more "Proctology time to visit and old friend. contact Jeff Le Moine for details at Updates" this term? -Mr. Right Hand Signed, X6790. An interested party who Third term Senior #1 frequents Main Hall during finals. Geoffrey Chaucer The Canterbury Tales You know you are a third term senior (and William Shakespeare King Lear You know you are a third term senior if... Blast, John Milton - Paradise Lost some sort of economics major) if... you You've run out of classes to take in your Yes. my jacket is warm enough, but David Coverdale - Slide It In choose to forego the consumption of 10 major. cents worth of gumballs daily in order to thank you for being concerned. Cheeto Dr. Sullivan, derive the greater utility (UTILS) from You know you are a third term senior if... You do what?? How? When? receiving the Green Sheet (and that You’ve changed your major so many times Bring the Cup to Appleton Horizontal or perpendicular? newspaper that frequently surrounds it) that a no longer can remember what Bring a senouis mayoral candidate to Signed and being able to read "Bloom County" your original major was. and "Doonesbury" at your leisure and in Milwaukee A Confused bring a decent newspaper editor to The Patient the comfort of your own room. Signed, Lawrentian. Ed •Italy Signed, TTS#1 Third term Senior #2 Eileen, Jeanne, Dedicated to Hans Erickson. LU’86 Candy and Chris, "I have too been bowling...people I love you very much. Enjoy your (Math/Econ), who is currently studying bowl on the North Shore too!" East Coast summer. Isn’t $72.50 a bit much to pay for a some advanced economic type stuff at the Love, half a glass of beer? graduate school of Princeton University. "I havn’t failed once since I stopped Chad But don’t call him up at three in the failing" how sweet ! - Ed. You know you are a third term senior if... morning, as he tends to get quite annoyed when you do. The books from all your past classes Jeanne, Found: One black coin purse on the weigh more than you do. Without you my days Don't forget- sidewalk near Ormsby Call Carrie are filled with darkness Monty Python’s Life of Brian *6790 to claim. You know you are a third term senior if... I can never see the sun Fri. A Sat.; 7,9 A 11pm -she probably spent the money. - Ed. Connkey's now issues you common Youngchild 161 stockinstead of a reciept. Without you my nights Admission $1.50 Dare to Fling, • to' are desolate and unfeeling Good luck next year. I'm really Signed, TTS#2 I can t help but feel alone You know you are a third term senior if... going to miss you ! Chad You arc counting credits and not grades Love, Mark would like to thank David for the P.S. don't worry. It’s just a lame literary Near use of his computer all year. attempt. You know you are a third term senior if... we agree. - Ed. Part-time windshield washer looking for You know you are a third term senior if... You remember what the cupula on top of work. Reference available. You remember when there was no Library Main Hall looked like before it was struck Lepp by lightning. Committee and 'The upper floors of the Any Madison trips lately? Phi Tau ♦ Chad. library are for quiet study only" was just a House? Oh well, keep your eyes open ! theory. What can I say? Well, I still can't Signed, TTS#2 Cheeto put into words just how much I love P.S. I’m going to miss you next year you, but I know that someday you'll You know you are a third term senior if... What is the definition of a lesbian'.’ You contemplated being a counselor so A: Another instance of a women trying rcali/.c how you've changcd my world Ormsby's the best, all other halls and that you've stolen my heart. There that you could have a "SINGLE single" to a man s job (and failing)! | during your sophomore year. can be no other... from one who knows! Je t'aimc, You know you are a third term senior if... Singed, TTS#1 You can remember th&t the rock was once Jeanne You're Wierd Too in front of Ormsby Hall (for all of five Chad? Dana? Matt? Aaron? Brad? minutes). Hey, you lame l.awTcntians: Sig Ep Boot Chart- T<)p 5 Ed? Dan? - This proves it. Get off your superficial specialties The Tnumvirate Signed, TTS#2 merry go-round of plastic emotion and L H. 373 V.R., French Kiss some other Ed we presume - Ed. ? Boot "intensity.” Be real. Get 'Snaked. Mark and Dave, Violator: Slide it in, and, if you don't like it, sp_t 2. Slay Puff 261 Here, there, and Wicka-Wicka," "Mark, come here!" Hey, wanna fight? Well, you're a wimp and it out. There is still time in the Still Of everywhere Boot He-Man (ccngrats) certainly not a football player! The Night. 3. T.V. Lenny 253 Aerial formal date Master Offender -David Coverdale Boot 4. LaGroine 220 Steve Everly, Jimmy Thanks for your time!! Little Boy, I -can-boot - more-than-you -The boy who never grew out of yoyos, The com root boys Just how flexible are you?!? Boot bell-bottoms.lava lamps, and '61 Luv. 5. Bootsy 177 Ms. Paula Boot Zoeldaganl. T-birds. Little Girl Happy Birthday ! ! ! ! f R*y. Always Jeanhilda Watch for the bite of the Whitesnake! Deal with it ■watch for the mongoose named Marcos X?had Why is it that people are not quite what Ed goodbye ? you thought they were.