DOWNER SETS (DOUBLE) STANDARD Another school year ks (too) Downer. quickly coming to an end, and wc Each of us should be filled with such a sense of pnde ever^, felt that it is necessary to offer up time we enter Downer. JuSf our praises and thanks to the knowing I can have as much to good people at Downer Food eat as I want, no questiuons Services. (Come on, guys, play asked, gives me shivers. In fact along.) There really have b©«n (not fiction), I was just thinking some good things happening about this recently. Gee, it seems there this year. Let's see if I can like just yesterday I was in line at single out a few. Downer... Uh, well, the new soup "I’d like a steak.’’ bowls are pretty swell. Since May I have your ticket?" they are bigger than the old "OK, I'll play along. May I bowls, we can now fit one whole PLEASE have a steak?” ladel of soup into a bowl, without 'Ticket.” dripping the extra over the edges. "NO, you've got it all And the ice cream machine wrong. This is Downer seems to be pretty good, but I Commons of Lawrcnce never have any. What’s the deal University; The home of the all with this yogart stuff anyway? you can eat meal.” Do people actually like to eat that "You can't have a steak stuff? unless you have a ticket." So let’s talk garnish. I know "But usually I can have as every time I get bored with the much of anything as I want." Rik Warch Unveils Xanadu meal and don’t finish, I feel very ’Well, tonight we’ve set guilty. Someone went to a lot of aside the regular rules. Tonight is trouble to make those things. steak night, and you need a ticket What right do I have to say the if you want to have your alottod food is boring, when it had such one steak." No Commentus lovely garnishes surrounding it to ...Yeah, it seems like only please my eyes. yesterday. I suppose that the Oh, the new salad bars. Or correct thing for us studentito do by Ace Diamond were those last year? I don’t is to sue the administration for Fellow Lawrentians, I am about to adjourn. I barely escaped remember. But they’re pretty false advertising. I chose to come writing this article at great risk to with my life in these suspicious nice. And the lettuce is greener here because of the awsome my own life. I am sitting in a events, and in the last example I ndftdays than when I was a prospect of a vinual feast at every cramped, dimly-lit, roach-infested untied myself just before the freshman. And there is more meal. The literature I recieved as room in a comer of the basement stampede arrived which would choice. Hey, and Jell-o. a high school senior stated that of the heating plant. Since my have trampled me into a pancake. Everyone loves Jell-o. Sevre that one could eat as much as one pulitzer-bound expose of President But I have more startling news, more often. It makes us all feel wanted at any meal. Warch’s (alias ’The Grinch ) fellow victims of our like kids again. And hard boiled Did I miss an asteftk, or a treachery concerning the purchase silver-tounged president's cruelty. eggs. I have my two every day. footnote? Was there some (very) of several million Mayfly eggs The lies and treachery haven't Should be good for my arteries. I fine pnnt that stated that the all from the small island of Matumba stopped with the disappearance of used to only have cottage cheese, you can eat rule would be hit the streets, several attempts the Mayflies. My informant. Strep but I quickly got bored with that, revoked whenever the purchasing have beer, made on my life. One Throat, has come up with some so I welcome the eggs. depanement flubbed the paper morning I awakened to find startling new information that But, most important, and I work and ordered something myself chained in a seat at a indicates that once again we are think sometimes we forget this, is good? Please, I want to know. convocation concerning the role of mere pawns in a game of cruelty that Downer allows us to eat as I'm losing sleep over this the deteriorating ozone problem and deceit at the hands of our much as we want. How many (article). and the moral question it poses for esteemed President Warch. other schools allow you to do What a fine standard to set. the Fox Valley, another time I Going on a clue that our this. I don't know, I've only ever A double standard, but a standard awakened to find myself strapped awe-inspiring leader supposedly gone here. no less. I suppose that it deserves in a chair and forced to discuss stated "So they know about the But still, this must be a all the respect that one can muster philosophy with several workers Mayflies, eh? Well the game fairly significant feature of up. (I gave up mustenng.) from the physical plant, and doesn't stop there, kiddies," Strep Lawrence University. I think if And that, boys and girls, is another time I awakened to find purchased some burglar equipment it wasn't, then the tour people why I exercised my right to all I myself tied down in front of a and ransacked the famed office of wouldn't state it so plainly while could eat, and ate five chicken Downer ice cream machine right Plea»e see 2. column 1 taking prospectiveS through hogies for lunch yesterday. before an all-soronty meeting was Campus News Opinion Page 2 continued from page 1 To the editor: on, and those nights when good luck finds you almost our fearless head honcho. What he contracts for 36 members of the Fear and Loathing in immediately, and you find found in the Louis the 14th desk "Fox Valley Insomniacs Club" to Appleton yourself wandering around in one will set back come and mow the Lawrence by Amy Bell of the best dazes you've been in all student administration relations lawns at any time after 3 o'clock in term. hundreds of years. the morning, an order for 12 tons Having had only five hours So, as the term, the year, the Strep found a plan detailing of "potato chip casserole" to be of sleep the past three nights in a college career wind down, take the the fall of the greek system by served at various special dinners, row . .. having told Rik Warch on time to relax, go for long walks, Wednesday night to start drinking and do things that you can only making it impossible for the sophisticated plans detailing how lots of pitchers . having had an laugh at the next day. residents of the fraternity houses to make all of the campus hot extremily light course load this to get any sleep and therefore too water disappear when the most term . having tie-dyed t-shirts tired to study. I le found a detailed people are in the shower, contracts for 24 members of the "terminally for the grill ladies. and having map of the nearest grade schools uncoordinated" division of the Fox recently re-read several Dr. Hunter and profiles of hundreds of the Valley athletic association to S. Thompson's works . I have students with detailed descriptions T h e Preferred. become security guards, and a reached but one conclusion: of their voices at shouting level. Mainly, that LAWRENCE IS A After several hours of puttint memo from the "criminally strict" Law ren t tan STRANGE PLACE. together many clues, Strep division of the Fox Valley mental I mean, face it. We're paying discovered a plan that brings 67 of health complex stating that they to go to school in a place where the loudest children in the fox have 9 more patients ready to become head residents at we get hassled by the Gimbel's #ubIi0& er:iW avccis Valley to the quad at 5:30 in the Gang (Fields' Gang?) every time morning. A sophisticated Lawrence. we try to get toothpaste at amplification system is then Now that I've reported these < £ & ito r : JGoftn IDeaiic dastardly moral outrages, fellow Walgreen's or a beer down the rigged, into which the chlidren are Ave. after 11pm. When the wind instructed to scream as loudly as Lawrentians, I think it's time I left the friendly confines of Lawrence blows the wrong way the air is so Writers: they can. This goes on for 57 foul the birds die. minutes, when 38 of the whiniest, for good. I haven't heard from Spudly But there is something shrillest sounding dogs in the Fox Strep in three days-I think they appealing about the strangeness, Elvis Valley are brought by a large might find him wearing cement Pumas at the bottom of the mighty or rather, uniqueness, of our Amy school bus to the quad and student body. No matter what you instructed to bark for the next 57 Fox. If you recall my last article, I do or where you go, you will be minutes. When this is concluded, ended with a plea for you students to end the famous "Lawrence face to face with an interesting the children and the dogs scream jctd n; and bark for 23 minutes, when Inifference" and let our president blend of students.