Noodles and Stir Fry Arrive by Arpita Wahal

the appleton south NOCTILUCA Appleton, Wisconsin April 2011 Vol. XVI Issue VIII Inside this issue: Noodles and stir fry arrive By Arpita Wahal

A Mongolian Grill similar to HuHot will be arriv- ing at North for students to purchase lunch. Cooks from Mongolia have been hired to provide more authentic dishes and will fly directly to North to start serving food on May Test answers 2nd. In order to overcome the pg. 2 language barrier, cooks and cafeteria veterans are both learning Russian. That way, both sides will be equally confused and enjoy a level playing field in communica- Boxtel and HuHot Mongolian Grill Photo by Megan Van New additions to the North cafeteria look promising indeed. tions. Several sleeping bags vegetables, protein sources, community members. Many a taste of ethnic foods from have also been ordered and and ethnic sauces as they pre- suggest that this will result in different parts of the world. will be kept in storage along pare their dishes. They will an increase in vegetable intake North students and staff are with packaged fortune cook- then be able to watch the chefs for students, promoting better eager to experience the au- ies. School officials want to carefully cook their sizzling nutrition, and assisting them thentic cuisine. The fresh new Typos ensure that the chefs will have meals before their very eyes. in creating an overall healthy aroma of Mongolian cuisine pg. 4 a comfortable experience liv- The grill will not include any diet. However, this notion will will soon permeate through ing in the classrooms situated safety rail or restraint to keep probably not come to full ef- the entire cafeteria. along the Math Wing at night the students from burning fect, as the variety of fryable The only challenge in and during the weekends. their flesh off, which officials goods will include Twinkies, promoting the new cuisine The grill will be situated hope will teach the students Snickers, and Doritos soaked will be convincing two thirds directly in the center of the some good common sense. in duck sauce. of the student body that there cafeteria for easy access to all The school board had School officials have de- is more food in the world than students. Students will be able discussed this proposal and cided that students should just nachos with meat and liq- to choose from a wide array of received great approval from have the opportunity to get uid cheese.

Coupons pg. 6 Militant cult sets sights on Canada By Neha Siddiqui tion from the public. Recently, many devel-

The first signs of unrest opments have been building Image by Jensen Enz are beginning to show in one pressure “underground” by Hannah Sternig and Taylor Wirth show their cat pride. of the most peaceful, laid back the newly formed organization and supportive countries in the headed by famous singer Ce- world. line Dion. New North club Guacamole It seems that the Followers have pg. 8 aims of the Toronto shown to have been Green Party are to es- influenced by the the cat’s meow Disclaimer: tablish a socialistic mesmerizing lyrics By Megan Van Boxtel All editorial content pub- military oligarchy in in Dion’s songs, and the package deal.” lished in this issue of the Canada to make all citi- easily persuaded. Very rarely does a new club Although school policy will newspaper is completely zens completely equal American and come along that truly unites not allow for a “bring your cat contrived out of the imagina- in every way possible. Bing images Canadian spies have members around one central to school day,” club member tion of our own little minds. According to spies, Celine Dion been looking into cause. Feline lovers of all Holly Rathsack explains that Please do not take any of this the Toronto Green Party the party and trying shapes and sizes are invited to there “are plenty of other op- information to heart or head. has hinted that they are plan- to uproot the cause of the min- join the Future Cat Ladies of portunities for us to show our This is all merely fun and ning something major on ister’s resignation. America (FCLA), where those feline pride.” games, and we hope desper- Thursday, April 7th. So far, it has been suspect- who once worried about being Co-president Hannah Stern- ately that you laugh at us, Last night at 6:48 p.m., ed that Justin Bieber and Avril ostracized from society for an ig agrees, noting that although because really that’s all we Canada’s Prime Minister Ste- Lavigine are both involved in extreme obsession with cats many criticize the club, “we want, as we are so pathetic phen Harper submitted a total- a plot to gain control of the are sisters. We stand together. that we spread lies to get at- can now partake in activities ly unforeseen resignation with government. We make up one big fam- tention. Secretly, we all wish with others in similar situa- ily though we don’t look the we were in Improvedy, which the formal reason being the The United States Con- tions. same. Our spots are different, has a show April 16. By the “stress of supporting a coun- gress has been debating the “We’re just planning for way, the ads are all real, be- try.” possibility of declaring war the future,” says co-president different colors. We make each cause people pay for them. The government has been to ensure the stability of Can- Taylor Wirth. “Graduation, other stronger; that ain’t ever Yours truly, scrambling to hide this dis- ada if the threat becomes any college, imminent life as cat gonna change. We’re cheetah The Noctiluca staff heartening piece of informa- greater. lady; it’s really just a part of girls, cheetah sisters.” FACTS Appleton, Wisconsin Abríl2011 Tomo XVI Número VIII Página 2

Let your voice Budget fixes rock By Siri Pairin less dollars that could be put ‘Phantom’ be heard towards greater things. Dona- Thousands of people are out- tions to rifle associations would The Noctiluca staff graciously raged at the possible effects on provide Wisconsin’s avid and accepts any letters to the edi- good-hearted gamers with great- knockoff leads public schools Governor Scott tor which will be published Walker’s “budget fix” will have. er gun variety. A stronger mili- as space allows. Please limit tia to protect from the constant submissions to no more than Many argue that cutting funding threat of illegal aliens crossing 250 words. Anonymous sub- for public education would re- to madness missions will not be printed duce opportunities and seriously the Upper Michigan/Wiscon- sin border would be graciously and all writing is subject to hinder the future of thousands By Laurel McKenzie tom.” editing via our policy state- appreciated by all citizens. of students. However, the fact “Don’t be stupid,” quipped ment below. All letters to the of the matter is that this “budget editor can be dropped off in We all knew this day was Berceau with another round- fix” would save money in the “We are removing the coming: there’s another produc- house to the face. “It’s a real the designated folder on the long run and be over-all ben- door of the Publications Lab school’s elevator and tion of “Phantom of the Opera” thing.” eficial to the state’s economy. at the south end of the LMC, replacing it with an in the works, but this time it’s a “Well, where’s it being pro- or e-mailed to Mrs. Bruce or But what does slimming down mockery. The day when the sati- duced?” the brave interviewer Mr. Ramponi, the staff advi- the cash flow to adolescent-in- energy-efficient Gravity rist and comics could lay off no asked while applying a cold sors, at: brucesusanne@aasd. fested institutions really mean? Chute.” more and were forced to release pack to her recently acquired k12.wi.us or All of the extra money fed to - Natalie Duncombe mockery beyond all mock - we injuries. [email protected] schools is put towards unimport- just didn’t know it would be this To this Berceau leaned in and .wi.us. ant and superfluous programs This budget fix has clear bad; the new play is causing whispered, “he’s there.... inside like music, sports, and technol- and undeniable benefits to all madness in its cast, crew and your mind.” Noctiluca Mission ogy. Does music really need to in Wisconsin, and Appleton even the writer who reports on Yes, who even knows what Statement be taught in a classroom? The North has taken its own mea- it. the heck this new fad is about. To publish news, information, violin is an incredibly self-teach- sures to cope with the changes. As senior and actress Gina Insane fan girls? Insane play- entertainment and opinion ar- able instrument. A significant in- ticles for and about student, “We are getting rid of all elec- Berceau explained, “It follows wrights? Just generally insane crease in concussions over the faculty and administration ac- trical lights and supplying each really closely to the plot of the girls who attend this school, past few years provides substan- tivities, interests and policies. classroom with uniform candela- original Phantom of the Op- act in plays, and are hopelessly tial evidence that football, al- Our goal is to maintain high bras,” says Student Council Pres- era.” violent with everyone? The an- though entertaining, is clearly a ethical standards and provide ident Natalie Duncombe. “We We asked her, “so what’s the swer, experts fear, could be the folly too dangerous for students a forum for free and respon- are also removing the school’s difference?” latter. sible expression of student to participate in, let alone state elevator and replacing it with an She replied (in her charming, Regardless, this death-defying views. The newspaper strives money to be going towards. And energy-efficient Gravity Chute.” Gina-ish way) “Well duh,” with investigator will keep digging for a high level of competen- how beneficial are smaller class The decisions our Governor a punch to this investigator’s until the truth comes out about cy and welcomes diversity of sizes? The inevitable increas- has made for the state’s finan- stomach, “it’s pronounced Pah this “Pah-Hantom” and his scope, depth and breadth of es in amount of students per coverage in order to heighten cial well-being are indisputably - Hantom.” strange accomplice. Or at least, teacher have countless benefits mutual understanding and beneficial to the very establish- Commenting on this, our that is, until our lovely journal- including greater dessert vari- awareness through our entire ments that taught and aided intrepid, doubled-over reporter ist has her kidneys punched ety during class holiday parties. school community. him in his journey to becom- noted, “so it’s just a mispro- through her pores by the even These “bum limbs” of public Noctiluca ing the head of our great state. nounced title of the real Phan- lovelier Gina Berceau. Policy Statement education have wasted count- Published ten times per year, the student newspaper of Ap- pleton North High School is a Bieber’s death shocks Editorial Staff forum in which its student ed- Siri Pairin...... Housekeeper itorial board makes decisions some, excites many, Megan Van Boxtel...... Crazy Cat Lady regarding its contents. Paige Resch...... Maves Cup Recipient Unsigned editorials express Brooke Resch...... Paige’s Adopted Sister the views of the majority of the saddens none Laurel McKenzie...... Supreme High Empress of the World editorial board. Letters to the By Carleigh Werlien Alex Vanden Boogaard...... Matt Damon’s Ab Double editor are welcomed and will Abbey Edmonds...... Featured Ballerina be published as space allows. The death of the young Jensen Enz...... Mistress of Disguise Letters must be signed, al- pop star came as a shock to Megan Van Boxtel...... Crazy Cat Lady’s Alter Personality though the staff may withhold all, but rejoicing for most. the name in certain circum- He was found dead at a local stances. Aaron Ramponi...... Staff Jedi The paper reserves the right store. The coroner said he had Susanne Bruce...... Staff Jedi to edit letters for grammar died from massive amounts

and clarity, and all letters are of hair gel. Bieber had in Bing images subject to laws governing fact died of his own Fever. Justin Bieber was a val- Contributors obscenity, libel, privacy and Many fans are upset but ued member of society. Arpita Wahal Pauly D disruption of the school pro- I, for one, couldn’t be hap- Not. Neha Seddiqui Vinny cess, as are all contents of the pier. Canadians call Bie- Carleigh Werlien paper. Ronnie ber their payback to the will be no more songs so Opinions in letters are not Daffy Duck Snooki necessarily those of the staff, United States’ Miley Cyrus. cheesy they could top a pizza. Chuck Norris JWoww nor should any opinion ex- Now, let’s take a look After he cut his hair we George Washington Sweatheart pressed in a public forum be at his short burst of fame. knew his reign was coming Justin Beiber The Situation construed as the opinion or Bieber was proof that any- to an end, but who knew it Taylor Lautner Angelina policy of the Appleton North one could become famous. would end like this? Hope- Johnny Depp Deena High School administration, He was most famous fully his death doesn’t spawn a Glenn Beck You unless so attributed. for his luscious hair. Bieber music marathon on the The Phantom of the Opera The Noctiluca reserves the and me He could play drums and radio. Baby, baby, baby, no! right to publish images in both John Wulterkinz print and online format. dodge water bottles like the Pop was forever changed best. And let’s not forget that and we’ll never forget Jus- Contact Information voice – it makes sopranos jeal- tin Bieber, at least until The Noctiluca is also available in an online format. ous. His lyrics were cute, for the next semi-talented art- Appleton North High School Visit us at www.aasd.k12.wi.us/north. 5000 N. Ballard Road a twelve year old. Oh wait, ist shows up (sources say Appleton, WI 54913 he was older? Never mind, next week.) Congratulations Or find us on Facebook. Search for Noctiluca. Phone: (920) 832-4300 the point is that now there to the cure of Bieber fever. FEATURES Appleton, Wisconsin April 2011 Vol. XVI Issue VIII Page 3 Lohan turns to ashram TREKing thru High School in attempt to ‘clean up’ By Abigail Zabronsky By Arpita Wahal theft. Unfortunately, many of their suspicions have been con- Actress Lindsay Lohan firmed. After conducting a bag- packed her bags and flew to gage check at the airport, two and ashram Ixopo, South Af- security officers have reported rica to participate in a liberat- coming across 12 packages ing Buddhist retreat. She will of cigarettes and 2 pounds of receive much needed relief marijuana in Lohan’s suitcase away from paparazzi who prior to departure. Thankfully, have been chasing her around a few autographs sent her back everywhere that she was to be on her way to Ixopo without found. While questioned of her any issues. motives, Lohan declared, “It’s While attending the ash- what all the celebrities are do- ram, Lohan will have to wake ing nowadays.” up at 4:30 AM each morning. Zen masters are highly Her daily schedule consists concerned and feel skeptical of intensive mediation, yoga, about allowing someone who and worshipping. During her has recently been associated free time she can clean toilets with the use of drugs, alcohol, and wash dishes…and use the and abusive use of the phrase incense for recreational pur- “I’m ready to change. Besides, poses. I want the whole real experi- look, saying: “The robe is a She is most excited about I hear that their incense is out “I plan to stay and become ence.” great cover up for her head- an upcoming ritual involv- of this world.” a guru to conduct worship,” Lohan has last been ob- shaving incident. Wait, she ing spiritual incense. She is Many also question her in- Lohan says. “I don’t wanna served completely bald, dressed shaved her head sober? Why?” so mentally committed to the nocence after the accusations just stay for three months like in an orange robe. Brittany Lohan is feeling right at event that she begins twitching against her concerning jewelry that chick from Eat Pray Love, Spears fully supports the new home with her new life style. whenever she talks about it. Horoscopes: Taurus By Paige Resch Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22) Just consult a majic-8 ball this Aries (March 21-April 20) month and ask again later. You will read this horoscope and be disappointed. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) You will get tons of presents Taurus (April 21-May 20) for your half birthday, even You have a birthday. How did more than Taurus. we know that? Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 20) Gemini (May 21-June 20) You seniors really did get free You live in Wisconsin. There- cookies this month. Now you fore, you are awesome. know to obey the horoscope.

Cancer (June 21-July 21) Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan. 19) You are having a nice hair You make a funny face when day. you read to yourself.

Leo (July 22-Aug. 21) Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Go swimming; the water is to- Go ahead. Make this newspa- tally warm enough. per into a paper hat :)

Virgo (Aug. 22-Sept. 21) Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Obey all Leos for the entire You are sick of your horoscope next month. being at the bottom. Tough. March sudoku solutions 5 IF 8 YO 9 U 3 9 SA 9 3 WT 7 H E 9 3 5 EXTRA 3 9 INLA 1 ST MONT 7 H 2 S 6 S 7 U 2 DO 4 KU Y 2 O 6 1 UWI 5 6 N $ 1 2 4 0 1 0 4 0 1 0 5 0 8 6 0 CENTERSPREAD Appleton, Wisconsin April 2011 Vol. XVI Issue VIII Page 4 From the Middle East to the Idol stage By Brooke Resch sidering adding a fourth judge all of which are the makings of show has lost its international ell. to the mix for their a true Hollywood celebrity. flair…what? No, I don’t miss Steven Tyler had the op- Change has struck the 2012 season. The current cast Simon at all and I don’t think posite attitude as his coworker. American Idol stage this sea- But how do h a s America does either.” For full “There’s already too many son as it rolled out an almost you re-create disclosure, it should be roosters in the hen house.” entirely new panel of judges. the absur- men- Tyler then proceeded to make While the new judges have dity, incom- loud “cock-a-doodle-doo” great musical backgrounds— p e t e n c e , sounds as Ellen…cough, cough—and and inco- he imi- interesting commentary, some- h e r e n c e tated a thing is still missing. Viewers of Paula rooster. say that it just doesn’t have the Abdul? It Gaddafi same flavor and humor that it s e e m e d himself was had in the past. like an interviewed For its first nine seasons, impos- recently and Idol found great success with s i b l e asked how an entirely different approach task… he feels about than they took this year. Pre- u n t i l Gaddafi feels right at home on the Idol panel. He was originally convinced to take his new job. viously, instead of finding a Libya on the project because he was told that Ryan Seacrest would make him look He prompt- great musical proficient whose start- taller. He also enjoys having a team of stylists help him improve his public image. ly responded ادج سمحتم انأ" opinion carried a lot of weight e d ناير عم لمعلل -in the entertainment industry, mak وهف ،تسيركيس they threw an under-expe- ing headlines. Photo edited by Brooke Resch يل ماهلإ ردصم لثم -rienced judge in the middle With their pending revolu ".يدلبلو of the table and filled up her tion, Muammar Gaddafi has mixed emotions Coca-Cola cup with what the entered the spotlight as being about this new addition. While So if Gaddafi American public could only one of the world’s biggest idi- Randy Jackson went on the re- tioned that the en- ends up not being a assume wasn’t soda. ots: a perfect fit. He is self-ab- cord as saying “It’s gonna be tire room of journalists began very successful dic- To emulate the old group sorbed, image-conscious, and hot, dawg. Fresh blood, you to weep as they remembered tator, then at least he has some- dynamic, producers are con- he wears sunglasses indoors, know? With Simon gone, the the pain of losing Simon Cow- thing to fall back on. Serious celebrities argue over major issue

By Paige Resch inside for over a month now. comment on the matter, al- new members so that their famous freshwater celebrity to And besides losing a cashier, though that might sign now can read “Eat More comment on the matter from Those who celebrate ei- me customers ain’t venturing have been be- Chikin or Fish.” a local perspective, it soon ther Lent (preceding Easter out to me restaurant anymore. cause he does became apparent that Sunday) or the McDonalds This season is costing me not like con- there are no famous discount on the Filet-o-Fish money.” versing with freshwater fish. (which is during Lent) tend to Seeming to reinforce others. Once again partake in an increase of sea- Crabs’ statement, O t h e r the middle of food consumption. That is be- Squid- ward noteworthy our country is cause on Fridays during this 40 c o u l d not be celebrities under-repre- day season, many avoid eating found t o fully enjoy sented in the meat except for fish. and cel- media. This practice is the origin ebrate this One oth- of Fish- time of year. er polarizing Fridays in “Jerry loves factor on the many Wis- fish to begin surf-and-turf consin supper with. So ev- celebrities is clubs, especially ery year, the continuous the breaded fish he doesn’t decrease of west- that is no longer dis- e v e n ern society’s “Fish are friends! Not food!” touts Bruce from tinguishable between b o t h e r self-control. haddock, perch, and poor- chas- Pixar’s “Finding Nemo.” He plans to abstain from Said Flounder man’s-lobster, as well as bat- i n g eating meat at all during the season of Lent. from The Lit- tered and fried shrimp. Notice m e tle Mermaid: the theme? Wisconsinites eat dur- “I just love it a lot of breaded seafood this ing lent. It’s a beau- Spongebob Squarepants, when their will breaks and time of year. tiful thing,” Tom being both a peacemaker they start cheating and go back However, over time, the said. Actually, he did and an inedible sponge, re- to cheeseburgers.” practice of Fish-Fridays has not so much say it as mains neutral. “Can’t we On the other hand, Wilbur become controversial. Today, silently express it with all just be friends and have the pig points out that “it’s their many famous celebrities are animated actions and fun?” Squarepants asked. The lack of self -control that keeps speaking out on the hot-topic coinciding classical mu- sponge proceeded to sing the them covering every meal with issue. sic in the background. FUN song, followed by nu- bacon bits and slamming soft- “I find it completely un- Other animal celebri- merous “La-la-la”s. shells at Taco Bell,” Fortunate- just that there be a season of ties do more than just The effects of Lent on ly, this American diet has the heightened fish consump- Plankton rejoices that people support Lent, but also the Bikini Bottom popula- Veggietale community rejoic- tion,” Mr. Eugene Krabs from find him disgusting. Looks like a encourage it. The three tion remain mostly caused by ing. Also, the Taco Bell tacos Spongebob Squarepants said. safe Lenten season for him. Chick-fil-A cows have Lent observers living near the are not actually made with any “Squidward has been hiding recently recruited two ocean. After trying to contact a real meat or vegetables. Photos taken by Sandy Cheeks and Dory CENTERSPREAD Appleton, Wisconsin March 2011 Vol. XVI Issue VIII Page 5

Chuck Norris: More than two fists and a beard They By Chuck Norris North, you are currently read- Ever since Conan O’Brien become so popular that there ing an article by the one and started airing clips on his show are T-shirts and apparel espe- call me When I first jumped on the only …(roundhouse kick)… about me, people have jumped cially made with hurtful facts Tube, I rose to fame as a mar- Chuck Norris. on the bandwagon and started about me. tial artist and soon an Internet posting pointless facts about It’s truly been a rough “Freeze phenomenon. Yes, Appleton me on the Internet. It has even couple years. I don’t under- stand why I’ve become the victim of these pointless in- Miser” sults. Honestly, I think we all need to take a step back and look at the big picture here. and I’m I, …(dramatic stare off into the distance)… Chuck Norris, coming have been ridiculed from the Graphic east end of Malaysia, all the way back to my hometown of for you! Ryan, Oklahoma. By Jensen Enz Upon first hearing some

of these jokes like, “there is As the sun breaks across no chin behind Chuck Norris’ the back of winter’s horizon, Unifying beard. There is only another startling news casts the earth fist,” or, “Chuck Norris drives and the heads of its inhabit- an ice cream truck covered in ants spinning. In a startling human skulls,” I became very change of events, the earth, ill and sick to my stomach. I unbeknownst to those outside then pondered what demented Unrelated of NASA, has begun to somer- human beings would take great sault about its axis, giving it an pleasure out of making insen- upside down appearance when sitive jokes about me. Where compared with how one usu- are we, middle school? I may ally perceives the little blue have a torso as strong as a tree, planet. Articles but my feelings are still very And so, this funny little fragile. swing-dance has got America I am writing this article for resting in the usual place of one sole purpose: Enough is Australia, in a land down un- enough! Just please stop with der – a land down under that the jokes. The joke’s on you, is, unfortunately, just about to you… meanies! slip into a proper winter season as dictated by its location on the earth’s underside, hid- den from sunlight. Future generations will look back upon The letter Z is explored in this season as the “Winter That Lasted Six Months,” but for those currently trapped in this abhorrent predicament, us, it’s the “Winter that Just Won’t this over-sized headline Die.” Australians, on the other By Megan Van Boxtel “letter discrimination.” hand, are more than pleased Teenagers, in all their with their never ending sum- Twenty-six letters make up text-induced illiteracy have mer, government officials in the English alphabet. Of these, recently begun an attempt to the country/continent hybrid there are a select few that are institute a change by mixing are even considering extend- well loved and used often in up some common slang terms. ing student’s summer break words. Others unfortunately, Examples such as “for realz”, throughout the season in warm are not privy to such adoration “catz”, and “omgz” are few and gratuitous celebration – or respect. These mistreated among the many, now incor- no such luck here. In fact, the letters are the Xs, Qs, and most rect spellings. school year for many Ameri- importantly, Zs of the world. May it be known through- cans may continue on to be just For many generations, chil- out the land that supporters of as long as the enduring cold in dren have been taught that “Z the cause are not advocating an attempt to remedy our sta- is for zebra” and never been that that the letter Z replace tus as a leading country with fully informed of this letter’s the letter S. Although the letter lowly education standards. true potential. Thus, Z has S is far too popular for its own Photos from the English alphabet So, pack away shoulder- gone under utilized. good, the letter Z deserves its bearing tank tops and the nos- Although the United States own glory. talgia inducing scent of sun- has made small efforts to insti- Yet, in a comforting sort of block for another three months tute the letter Z in words like way, the haggard and forgot- and wrap yourself back up in “analyze” and “paralyze,” rath- ten letters of the alphabet find that infinity scarf, don your er than conform to the British some solace in their high scor- boots (but please, for the sake spelling, much more could be ing, if not rare, values in the of all that is good and holy, not America’s letter doesn’t feel like taking second place done to eliminate the problem game of scrabble. those Uggs), and prepare your- of what many are now calling to S any longer. It is patriotic to wave American flagz. self for yet another winter. SPORTS Appleton, Wisconsin March 2011 Vol. XVI Issue VIII Page 6 Maves Cup signed as MTV show By Brooke Resch

What do you need to call yourself one of Appleton North’s elite students? What would prove to the world that you have passion, athleticism, and devilish good looks? The only sure-fire way to guaran- Image by Brooke Resch tee that all of those attributes are attached to your reputa- tion is to win a Maves Cup. Brett Favre is back By Brooke Resch been flocking to the DSRL in Fortunately, now the en- Images by Jensen Enz and Brooke Resch tire American public can Look out, TJ Lavin, Gus Maves is coming to town hopes of competing for prestige Don’t know what to watch and glory. The challenge: to share in this experience. MTV with his reality show, plaque and all-star cast. (which stands for “Music on TV? With the football season lick the cream off of a Double- Television,” who knew?) has to work with adults. “Don’t students to just try their best over and basketball winding Stuff Oreo without breaking the recently agreed to produce a get me wrong,” said Maves, and work as a team. With down, there’s always baseball cookie. Current competitors in- reality television show for the “high school students are this crowd, however, I think (no, really, there is ALWAYS clude the Manning Brothers of Cup. great and everything, but I they’re better off sticking baseball, every single day). the NFL and the Williams Sis- With the great success will definitely enjoy the in- with their Gym-Tan-Laundry. But very few sports fans have ters of the WTA. of The Challenge—where creased maturity level. You I can’t overstress the impor- the stamina to make it through This season, however, people featured on The Real know, twenty-somethings are tance of looking good when five hours of a pitcher’s duel they will be joined by one of World compete against each just classier than teenagers, you’re playing soccer. If you and have the game end in the the world’s greatest athletes of other for prizes and money— especially twenty-somethings walk out on the field with a bottom of the thirteenth inning all-time. Brett Favre recently MTV will be taking a simi- who are so accomplished.” nice, dark, even color and 1-0. announced that he will be com- lar approach. For their new When asked about who he some well-defined muscles, Finally there is a sport for ing out of retirement to join the show, the cast of Jersey Shore feels will win the grand prize, you’ve already won half the the modern American—that is, league. “I think I’ve got another will be stranded on an island Maves responded “I would battle,” Maves said. someone who loves cookies side of me that America hasn’t with nothing but a mansion, bank on Vinnie. If the Maves Tune in this July for the and has a short attention-span. seen yet,” Favre said. hair gel, and each other to Cup was just a physical game, premier of “Jersey Wears Pin- That is right, the Double-Stuff- To which America said, stay entertained with. Every then I might go with Ron- nies,” hosted by our very own Racing-League. The world’s “We’ll take your word for it. day, they will get changed nie. But this game is so much Gus Maves. most renowned athletes have No photos needed.” for gym class and compete more. It’s going to test their for Maves Cups. Challenges mental toughness, their emo- they will face include soccer, tional health, and their cross- basketball, fist-pumping, and word skills. I think that this high-heel races. Rumors have kind of competition is best surfaced that the show will be suited for Vin.” titled “Jersey Wears Pinnies.” But what everyone really Mr. Maves has been wants to know is, how will asked to host the show. He the cast prepare for such a is very excited to finally get challenge. “I usually tell my CULTURE Forks, Washington April 2011 Vol. XVI Issue VIII Page 7

ModernBy Abbey Edmonds on canvas couldart ever amount a20/300. joke to accurate renditions of the Even more incomprehen- According to a press re- artist’s subject. sible, people purchase these lease from The Guggenheim Isn’t a generally accepted amateur creations for aston- Museum, shelves have been fact that in order for art to be ishing amounts of money. stripped of all modern art, or “good,” it must bear a striking How long did it take Picasso anything “that doesn’t resem- resemblance to the subject of to paint? One day. ble anything, and doesn’t look the work? Obviously the Gug- Our Salvation? The like a photo.” Thank God. ginheim’s standards are fall- Guggenheim. Finally con- Let’s face it, “artists” like ing at an increasing rate. It ceding that its well meaning Jackson Pollock, Wassily seems that if given adequate founders were certifiably in- Kandinsky, and Pablo Picasso mediums, space, and time, sane and legally blind when haven’t earned their places in any four-year-old could cre- first establishing the museum, prestigious museums. They ate a flawless counterfeit. the Guggenheim’s present cu- don’t belong alongside Monet Clearly this “modern art” rators resolved to discard the Graphic by Jensen Enz doesn’t require skill, compe- current collection, and replace or Van Gogh. It’s ludicrous It’s hard to be this good looking and have so much tence, or vision better than it with snapshots of kittens. to imagine that a few ink blots to deal with in life. Rockman rocks the reservation By Laurel McKenzie all that changed when his best and Siri Pairin friend and first love, fell for someone else who can only Senior Jake (pronounced be described as a “creepy Jordan) Rockman has recent- boyfriend.” ly created quite the uproar at After such a heart-shat- Appleton North after reveal- tering event, Jake spent many ing his true lupine identity to a night “crying in his bed.” the public last Thursday. Other nights were spent pac- “I’m just a regular guy,” ing below his best friend’s he explained, “I just kill dead bedroom window and often people.” Not an uncommon watching her sleep. answer with today’s batch of “I hate to see her throw- whipper-snapper young men, ing her life away to be with but shockingly enough Jake’s my arch enemy, of all peo- tragic story digs deeper still. ple,” says Jake, “I mean, he’s A lover of cars, motor- got freakishly cold hands and cycles, and long runs through I’m super-hot. Where’s the a snowy wood by moon- competition?” light, Jake fled his old home The fear he felt for his in Washington State with the best friend and the poorly help of some unrequited love. concealed blood feud with his Up until two years ago, he worst enemy drove his mus- lived on a reserve, as was his cular, shirtless brothers to the legal right being 95 percent limit. In desperation, Jake fled Native American. However, for his very life into hiding, right here in Appleton, Wis- consin. Jake now plans to attend college at UTI. He is also thinking about double mi- noring in wolf anatomy and physiology, and vampire kil- lin’ skilllllllllz. “I hope that people are ac- cepting of my true identity,” says Rockman, further ex- plaining that he hopes to run a Werewolf Support Group on weekends he isn’t busy sign- ing autographs and confer- encing with Stephenie Meyer about upcoming films. In his free time, Jake enjoys gazing at full moons, consuming raw meat, and “just being a typical guy.” And now that he’s cut his hair he’s about five thousand times more attractive. Oh, and he can pull off a size small in T-shirts. He’s Jacob Rockman. And he’s a werewolf. PHOTOSPREAD Appleton, Wisconsin April 2011 Vol. XVI Issue VIII Page 8

When was the last time you on sat down and filled out a Life theFarm coloring book. While a typical freshman might answer “yesterday” or a super- cool senior might say “right now,” most people forget about this creative outlet after they’ve gone through puberty. But we at the Nocti- luca challenge you to break out your Crayola crayons and color away. But please, try and keep it inside the Don’t tip me! lines.

RAWR!!!

even I like bacon

“ssstu-stu-stu-ssssssstuttering” Artwork by Jensen Enz and Brooke Resch