THE CHRISTMAS ISSUE the ﬁ Nal Industry Interview of Term at the It’S That Time of Year Again – the ﬁ Nal Issue of 2011 UK’S Largest Science Experiment: Page 6

“Keep the Cat Free” ISSUE 1505 FELIX 09.12.11 The student voice of Imperial College London since 1949

THE CUTTING EDGE OF RESEARCH THE CHRISTMAS ISSUE The ﬁ nal industry interview of term at the It’s that time of year again – the ﬁ nal issue of 2011 UK’s largest science experiment: Page 6

Imperial College London POLITICS

What could happen over Christmas? Page 14

FILM GRIFFON STUDIOS – UP TO SCRATCH? Felix Film Awards – A term of initial occupancy issues for new postgraduate accommodation the best of the year Page 34

Clare Cheng the shiny exterior of Griffon Studios, most of the students to stay plugged of the flats has been highly variable cracks appear to have emerged. into the internet, despite advertis- – with reports that some studios have The Christmas holidays approach, A regular complaint from the first ing claims made online. StudentCom no heating. signalling the end of the first term intake of postgraduate students re- have since been working to provide As a result, the experience for TRAVEL for the residents in the new Griffon volves around the availability of a more IP addresses in order to im- some has not matched the high prices Studios. The new halls of residence, wireless internet connection. Un- prove the service. of rent and the “high-quality” prom- branded a part of accommodation op- knowing postgrads signed their ten- In addition to these problems, a ised by John Anderson, the Chief tion provider GradPad, opened this ancy agreements for Griffon Studios, resident informed Felix that one of Executive Officer of the Imperial October exclusively for postgraduate putting their faith in the assurance the two lifts in Block A, which serves College Fund who invested jointly in students. Located south of the river by GradPad of “wireless broadband ten floors, was out of service for over the project with Berkeley First. Orig- in Battersea, it boasts “affordable, internet connection throughout the a month. Putting this into perspec- inally there were two price brackets secure and high quality accommo- building – up to 30mb”. Unfortu- tive, that is more than a third of the differing by the size of studio, £235 dation”. It emulates top-notch stu- nately it seems so far they have tenancy so far. The break down of for 19sq metres and £300 for 22sq dent living; over 450 modern studio failed to provide such a reliable ser- washing machines is also reported metres. Early in October it was dis- apartments with wireless internet, vice. Residents have reported the frequently. Again in Block A, one covered by residents that a new low- free gym on site, large social space internet, both wired and wireless, to of the three washing machines was er price bracket had been included Visiting the Cannabis with plasma TVs, and a host of shops be “dysfunctional”. Upon complaint, out of order for a week at the end of for 11 of the 452 studios at £195 for within five minutes walk. But has StudentCom informed the residents October, with a second also failing. 19sq metres with half-sized win- Cup in Amsterdam this ‘GradPad’ lived up to all of these that they did not anticipate the vol- This left one washing machine for dows. This was met by speculation claims? Upon investigation beneath ume of mobile devices, expecting the 225 studios in the block. Heating ...Continued on Page 4 Page 44 2 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX HIGHLIGHTS

What’s on PICK OF THE WEEK CLASSIFIEDS

Season’s greetings from Felix One spare room available at £487.50 a month in Shepherds Bush, 20 minute cycle from college. Volcanoes and their impact Open to anyone, other lodgers are three males. on society Contact details: [email protected]

Professor Stephen Sparks from the University of Four student volunteers are invited to St. Josh Bristol delivers a lecture on the vulnerability of the International School, Chennai, India during the modern world when confronted by volcanic activity. 2012 summer vacation. Considering such events as the disruption caused For more information contact Tony Britto at by Iceland’s volcanic activity in 2010, volcanology [email protected], or call 02070960879 or will be shown to be a key tool in tackling such future 07438888105 events. Just so we’re clear, Felix accepts no responsibility 1.31 Royal School of Mines for services bought or sold, capiche? Good. Thursday 15 December 17:15–18:15 Until next year, folks. We’re off on the next Coca-Cola truck out of here Open to all This may be the last issue of term, but Lolcats of teh Xmas Competition we’ve gone all out to bring you the best of Christmas. Expecting the usual roast dinner

An outrageous number of you entered both of our recipe from the Food Section? Well we’ve competitions last week. In fact, our STABILO pen was the most popular competition of the year so gone all alternative; chocolate, coffee and far. What that means? I’m not too sure. Anyway, on with the results! cupcakes await on Page 42. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Pen Competition Editor Winner: Alexandra Turner

make sure you check out Ping Pong the new website and join in the science discussion Winner: www.isciencemag.co.uk Look out for issue 19: Da Jung Unexplored worlds out 13th January Congratulations! We’ll be in touch.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, Northcliffe House, Meadow Road, Derby. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. FELIX Copyright © Felix 2011.

Editor-in-Chief Matthew Colvin Deputy Editor Charles Betts News Editors Sophia David Alex Nowbar Reporters Paul Beaumont Carol Ann Cheah Clare Cheng Alexander Karapetian Niki Kesharaju Maciej Matuszewski Navid Nabijou Deepka Rana Features Editors Katy Bettany Stephen Smith Sports Editors Indy Leclercq David Wilson Sports Rookies Gabriel Oppetit Johnny Wong Science Editors Kelly Oakes Alexander Karapetian Politics Editors Rajat Jain Joseph Letts Business Editors Beñat Gurrutxaga Lerma Nina Kearsey Technology Editors Chris Bowers Feroz Salam Comment Editors Tim Arbabzadah Samuel Horti Arts Editors Will Prince Eva Rosenthal Music Editors Íñigo Martínez De Rituerto Stephen Smith Fashion Editors Saskia Verhagen Alice Yang Television Editors Matt Allinson James Simpson Film Editors John Park Lucy Wiles Games Editor Laurence Pope Food Editors Anastasia Eleftheriou Michael Krestas Home & Garden Editors Tim Arbabzadah Charles Betts Navid Nabijou Travel Editors Dushi Arumuganesan Chris Richardson Online Editors Chris Birkett Philip Kent Jonathan Kim Annina Sartor Kadhim Shubber Puzzles Captain James Hook Photo Editor Miles Robertson Copy Editors Veli Akiner Sameera Auckburally Carol Ann Cheah Philip Kent Jonathan Peek Deepka Rana Annina Sartor FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 3 News Editors: Sophia David Alex Nowbar [email protected] NEWS Blast Injury Centre set up at Imperial Royal British Legion provides £5m towards understanding roadside bomb injuries

Imperial College London Sophia David practice has improved greatly so that age to extremities, but also affect the Alex Nowbar there is a greater prospect of survival. body internally, damaging whole organs We now need to assess the effects of such as the lung, symptoms of which A new £8m Royal British Legion Cen- blasts on these survivors. We urgently may not show for days. Therefore, it tre for Blast Injury Studies at Imperial need to know more, so that we can pro- is crucial to understand system-wide College has offi cially opened this week. tect and treat people more effectively.” internal trauma, information which The Centre aims to provide a better un- could lead to new therapies and better derstanding of the injuries caused by outcomes for patients. Researchers at roadside bombs, or Improvised Explo- “We urgently need to the Centre are aiming to develop a test sive Devices (IEDs). These are the lead- to diagnose Blast Lung, the most coming cause of death and injury for Service know more, so that mon cause of death among people who personnel on operations in Afghanistan initially survive an explosion. An early and Iraq. we can... treat peo- diagnosis could help prevent complica- At the research centre, based in the tions such as fl uid build-up in the lung, Department of Bioengineering, civil- ple more effectively” improving the chances of survival for ian engineers and scientists will work patients. together with military doctors in order One model that Imperial Blast is al- to improve both treatment and means of The Royal British Legion, the leading ready using for its research is an Anti- protection against roadside bombs. One Armed Forces charity, is providing £5m vehicle, Underbelly, Blast-Injury Simu- potential benefi t is the design of “intel- to establish the Centre which will also lator (AnUBIS), the only device of its ligent” combat boots that are better able be partially funded by Imperial itself. kind in the world, which can simulate a to defl ect the impact of a roadside bomb The research will build on the work al- roadside bomb blast in laboratory con- since foot and heel injuries account for ready carried out by the Imperial Blast ditions. This device is able to reproduce a large number of injuries. Another aim research group at the College. The Min- the velocities seen in the fl oor of vehi- of the research is to diagnose and under- istry of Defence have been supporting cles targeted by bombs by accelerating stand the damage caused more quickly the work of the Imperial Blast group a 42kg plate. This enables scientists to in order to reduce future medical prob- since 2009 and will continue to contrib- assess the effect of leg orientation and lems. ute clinical experience and resources, positioning on injury severity and thus Professor Anthony Bull, from the De- ensuring that the research focuses on ar- develop preventative strategies to mini- partment of Bioengineering at Imperial eas of most value to military personnel. mise damage. and Director of the new Centre said, However, it is hoped that knowledge The research centre should have a “Previously, servicemen and women acquired could also be of benefi t to in- signifi cant impact on those serving in who were wounded from blasts would jured civilians, for example, following current and future confl icts, thereby lim- have died from their injuries, and now terrorist attacks. iting the long-term effects of blast inju- military protection, medical science and Roadside blasts not only cause dam- ries on individuals and their families. Professor Anthony Bull, Director of the newly opened Centre

Sponsored Editorial Dinner in the House of Lords, anyone? More student cuts Paul Beaumont tor of The Times and newly appointed Last year’s competition – reported on Director of Communications for the by Felix last week – was won by Andrew This Wednesday the Royal College of Wellcome Trust – and Peter Lacy, the Purcell for his response to the question Science Union (RCSU) announced via Managing Director of Sustainability at “Why should the average person care Discount haircuts for Imperial email to the Faculty of Natural Sciences Accenture complete the judges. whether we discover the Higgs Boson?” that it will be holding the Science Chal- The offi cial ‘description’ of the Sci- The essay was a mix of well-researched students at Fresh Hairdressers lenge 2012 Final in the House of Lords. ence Challenge is: “An essay competi- yet amusing tales of physics banter with The Science Challenge is the RCSU’s tion that aims to encourage scientifi c de- his Father and his “thick Lancashire ac- annual essay competition and this year, bate, reasoning and the communication cent”. It is available – along with all the More student cuts for Imperial 0207 823 8968. Ask for a entrants will be given four questions to of science in a public-friendly context.” other winning articles – on the Science students at South Kensington’s student discount and bring your choose from, all set by distinguished In practice, this requires entrants to Challenge website. FRESH Hairdressers. Imperial ID. judges. A good essay will then land you write a compelling scientifi c argument At the Launch event, the only two cur- Men’s cuts £22 Cash only. at a Dinner Reception in the House of that any member of the public, with rently unallocated tickets to the House Women’s shampoo and cut and Lords, and in with a chance of winning only a basic grounding in science could of Lords will be given away for free. shake dry £28 the ‘top prize’. The details of this prize, read, understand and be swayed by. The Launch will be held in SAF on Women’s shampoo, cut and however, will remain secret until the Previous winners have branded the Tuesday 17 January 2012 at 6pm. Un- blow-dry £38 Launch event. RCSU Science Challenge ‘life-chang- like previous competitions, tickets for All of our cuts are done by highly This year the guest judges – who will ing’. Isha Puri, who won the school’s the Final won’t be on sale: the only way experienced stylists. all be speaking at the Launch event – version of the Challenge (the compe- to get to the House of Lords is by enter- Tuesday to Fridays 9.30 to include names from all aspects of the tition is run in one-thousand schools ing or via these two free tickets. 4.30 (sorry no discounts on media. Professor Lord Robert Winston, nationwide concurrently) was awarded Registration for the Launch is re- Saturdays). Imperial Professor and TV personal- – as part of her prize – a fi nancial bur- quired, free, and now open for students We are only 70 metres from ity will head up the judging panel, sary to study at Imperial. Now in her of all Faculties at the Science Challenge South Kensington tube station complimented by the BBC’s Science third year of Imperial, Isha is “preparing website, rcsu.org.uk/sciencechallenge. To book an appointment, call Editor and Imperial Alumnus Pallab herself” to enter the Imperial Students’ For more information, contact science. Ghosh. Mark Henderson – Science Edi- competition. [email protected]. 4 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX News Editors: Sophia David Alex Nowbar NEWS [email protected] In Brief Avoid student scammers

Movember Mayhem Nicolas Massie cheap cheap cheap. ‘Come in the car – we’ll just go to my fl at.’ At this point most students Since the start of term Imperial students have say ‘no Thank you.’ Usually this is fi ne. Some- Over 80 male members of Imperial College took part lost thousands of pounds to practised conmen times the ‘model’ and his ‘friend’ get aggres- in Movember 2011, raising a total of £5,595 for the and women. ‘How could they be so stupid?’ sive. When students get into the car, which cause. Movember, an annual event in November, you might wonder… it’s not as straightforward they have in the past, the real trouble starts. is a campaign that seeks to raise awareness and as that. These people employ all sorts of tactics Don’t let it happen to you. funding for men’s health – specifi cally, prostate and – and they’re doing their Christmas shopping. 3. You sir – yes, you sir, STOP, I’m the police! other common male cancers. Originating from Mel- Below are examples of the three most common Man A: “Excuse me, do you have the way to bourne in 2003, Movember has since grown into scams, all of which have happened to IC stu- the Royal Albert Hall? I think it’s here on this a worldwide movement involving more than 1.1m dents since the beginning of term: map.” Imperial Student: “But of course, I’m participants. 1. Help me, I’m in a pinch! In this scam, a fe- kind and helpful, it’s just this way.” Men B and Movember participants receive sponsorship for male (though it could just as easily be a male) C pretending to be police: “Oi, we suspect you their efforts in growing and maintaining moustach- approaches a student claiming that she lives in of a drug deal. We need to search you.” Impe- es for the full 30 days. Participants and companies Enismore Gardens, she has been locked out of rial student, in good faith: “Oh, ok, of course.” alike have come up with various incentives and nov- her house, her children have been in a car ac- Police impersonators then empty the student’s A genuine police warrant card el ideas to raise as much as they can for the cause cident and she has no husband. She then asks wallet and run. Not good. Many students do not – such as restaurant chain Byron’s offer of a free for money to pay for a taxi to the hospital. She know how to distinguish a police impersonator burger a day for registered Movember participants. has stolen signifi cant sums this way. from the real deal, or what a proper Stop and scams and others, and to learn how to protect In 2010, a total of £11.7m was raised by Movem- 2. Help me I’m having a hard time – I used to Search looks like. Whether you agree with the yourself, come to the Safety Session in Pippard ber participants across the UK – money that has be rich. Here, students meet a model who has principle or not, the police do stop and search Lecture Theatre in Sherfi eld at 12:30pm on since been used to fund signifi cant research pro- fallen on hard times but has suitcases full of and it’s worth knowing what a warrant card Tuesday 13 December. Good personal safety grammes on prostate and testicular cancer, with (fake) designer gear. They are leftover from his looks like (see photo). To watch or take part in freebies will be available! Feel free to email one such programme being carried out by Honorary catwalk days; he is willing to part with them a Stop and Search, to fi nd out more about these [email protected] with any questions. Research Fellow Dmitry Pshezhetskiy here at Impe- rial College London’s Hammersmith campus. Carol Ann Cheah Niki Kesharaju Issues with Academics criticise White Paper Battersea

In a letter to The Daily Telegraph this week, aca- ‘GradPad’ demics, including professors from Imperial College London, Oxford and Cambridge, criticised government White Paper proposals for higher education ...Continued from Front Page reform, specifi cally the idea of universities being that this was an attempt to entice more ten- run by private companies, i.e. for profi t. They warn ants in to fill up the empty studios, which it will be to the detriment of students, graduates are still not at 100% occupancy. and taxpayers. They believe the proposed system Imperial and Berkeley sold the prop- will emulate private universities in the US, claiming erty to Legal and General Property (LGP) that in the US higher education system, “for-profi t for £116m in September, contributing to companies offer derisory graduation rates, crush- Berkeley’s 64% increase on profits from ing levels of debt and degrees of dubious value.” the same period last year. LGP will lease The letter demonstrates fears that universities the property to Imperial for a 45 year pe- run by profi t-driven fi rms will provide a poor service riod, thereafter returning the property. to students whilst maximising short-term gain for An Imperial College spokesperson com- shareholders, all at the expense of the taxpayer. mented, “As is often the case with new This is shown by a claimed statistic mentioned in developments, there have been occasional the letter, which states: “According to the US Edu- issues during initial occupancy… the Resi- cation Trust, only 20 per cent of students at for- dence Team and the developer have been profi t colleges complete a four-year course and the working closely with the residents to re- same proportion of those who do fi nish default on solve any problems.” their loans within three years.” Griffon Studios is still in its infancy, at The government plans would, according to the just one term into occupancy. The Resi- signatories, facilitate universities becoming pri- dence Director and team welcome feedback vate sector bodies by enabling private providers openly, addressing issues raised through to gain degree-awarding powers, which are likely email. Some residents have expressed hope to seen by private providers as a desirable intel- for their future tenancy. 2012 is almost lectual property right. Potential advantages of upon us and perhaps with it comes a new private investment might be increased funding to term and new improvements. Indeed, it has provide a better service to students particularly in been noted by some residents that the situ- ‘struggling’ universities without dependence on ation has improved. the taxpayer. Nevertheless academics are urging Does this excuse the failings observed so the government to reassess its plans in order to far? As a student the mind always returns prevent “students and taxpayers suffering the con- to the issue of money. With prices of up sequences”. to £300 per week, students at Griffon Stu- Alex Nowbar dios will likely have little time for excuses, especially over the coming holiday period. FELIX Friday 09 DECEMBER 2011 5 NEWS UK extradition laws to be reformed MPs call for applied changes to Babar Ahmad case following evidence admissions

UK Parliament Aemun Reza that there is “insuffi cient evidence”. to dodge the serious questions raised by Consequently, Caroline Lucas MP Dr Caroline Lucas in relation to the CPS A parliamentary debate on extradi- called for a full public inquiry into the behaviour. The CPS has allowed Babar tion took place on Monday 5 Decem- CPS and their handling of the evidence to languish in prison without trial for ber where it was concluded that there of Babar Ahmad’s case. over seven years claiming there is “in- should be further calls for a public in- Stephen Phillips MP said he was “hor- suffi cient evidence” to prosecute him, quiry into the Crown Prosecution Ser- evidence which they now admit they vice (CPS). The debate came as a result never even saw.” of an e-petition to put Babar Ahmad on “Caroline Lucas MP “We fully support Dr Lucas’s call trial in the UK securing over 141,000 for a full public inquiry into the CPS signatures within three months. has called for a pub- actions in this case and call on the At- The CPS has already admitted that it torney General to direct the Director of had never reviewed the evidence against lic inquiry into the Public Prosecutions to review all the Babar Ahmad (who was an employee evidence against Babar with a view to of Imperial College’s IT department at handling of evidence” prosecuting him in the UK.” the time of his arrest in 2004) before A motion was passed for the UK’s exit was sent to the US. The CPS claims tradition laws to be urgently reformed that it was not aware of all the evidence rifi ed” by what Caroline Lucas revealed, in order to strengthen the protection possessed by the US authorities even adding that it was a “stain on justice in of British citizens. Many MPs called though the British police had seized all the UK” for Babar to have been impris- for any potential changes in the law to the evidence in the UK. The CPS has oned for over seven years without trial. apply to cases such as those of Babar nevertheless repeatedly refused to pros- Father of Babar Ahmad, Ashfaq Ah- Ahmad, Talha Ahsan, and Gary McKin- ecute Babar Ahmad in the UK claiming mad said: “The government continues non. MPs called for a public inquiry as a result of the parliamentary debate 6 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX Features Editors: K a t y B e t t a n y Stephen Smith FEATURE [email protected] Interview: Trevor Rayment Alice Yang talks to the Director of Physical Sciences at Diamond Light Source

Alice Yang iamond Light Source, DPhil in Theoretical Chemistry. De- the UK’s national syn- spite the tragic death of his supervisor chrotron facility, sits part way through, he persevered and in the form of a gigan- completed his DPhil, whilst in fact tic steel ring amongst discovering that he was a much better Dstretches of the green countryside sur- practical Chemist than a theoretical rounding the Harwell Science and In- one. As a result, he moved to Cam- novation Campus in Oxfordshire. Less bridge University where he did a Post than a decade old, this facility is at the Doc in practical chemistry that lead cutting edge of research and luckily onto a Research Fellowship there. for me, having interned here for eight “Most of my career I’ve been an weeks, Professor Trevor Rayment, Di- academic Chemist working at research rector of Physical Sciences at Diamond, facilities. After 25 years in Cambridge, has managed to fi nd a few minutes in things were going very well, but I really his busy schedule for this interview. feared getting into a rut. Diamond Light Source is the UK’s One of the things you’ll fi nd as you largest science experiment, and is a grow older is that the opportunities for third generation synchrotron that ac- change will get less and different, and if celerates electrons to almost the speed you simply want a change for the sake of light in order to produce synchrotron of a change, that’s actually not so easy.” light. This light, ranging from IR to X- For Professor Rayment, however, Ray in wavelength, is then split off to change did come several times. After beamlines, of which there are currently holding the position as Chair at Bir- 32 under operation around the 561m mingham University for three years, ring – all to help deepen our knowledge the position as Science Director came of science, from chemistry and materi- Director of Physical Sciences at Diamond Light Source, Professor Trevor Rayment als, to engineering and earth sciences. After a brief introduction, I sheep- “To be a successful ishly admit to Professor Rayment that the science division at Diamond and research, Diamond Light Source is not “For people wanting a career here, if I don’t know much about his past other academic you need a to make it into a world-class research a name that many are familiar with. you are one of the principle or beamline than a brief summary of his education institute. A research institute that is Professor Rayment feels that this may scientists, we want people to have an history. “Good, that sounds about right” whole variety of skills” focussed on delivering science to the partly be due to many journalists avoid- independent academic research profi le. he replies, “in these days of the internet, communities of academia and industry. ing scientifi c writing as a result of their “In the science division, there are also I prefer people to ask me in person.” up at Diamond in 2008, for which he “Day by day, it’s full of all different lack of scientifi c background, as well as positions for Postdocs. We support re- In a place of such responsibility, was asked to apply, and he has held the sorts of meetings, mostly management. scientists themselves not being able to search students, offer internships and overlooking the entire operation of the position ever since. I spend around a day a week doing my explain their own experiments. every beamline has two students that physical sciences sector of the UK’s When he arrived at Diamond, Phase own science – well that’s the dream He goes on to explain that with only we co-fund with a university. We also biggest research facility, Professor 1 of its construction had already been anyway, but the rest of the time I do 400 members of staff and a compara- have an engineering division.” Rayment admits that it wasn’t a path he completed with 7 beamlines already what managers do, which is to listen to tively modest budget, Diamond be- Curious as to what the Professor just fell in to. under full operation, and Phase 2, for and talk to people. I need to understand lieves that is, in fact, “punching above would look for in terms of skills when “From the age of 12, I’ve dreamt of the further construction of 15 beam- the organisation well enough to be able its own weight” in terms of getting the employing, I ask more about his opin- being a scientist; it’s what I wanted to lines, was underway. to make the short-term decisions in word out and engaging with the scien- ions on science careers. do. One of my earliest memories is go- “My job was to bring the new beam- such a way as to maximise the long- tifi c and non-scientifi c communities. “My personal experience of recruit- ing into a public library and picking out lines from construction to operation, term benefi ts.” “There is a great deal of science car- ing Postdocs and students is that you a book on nature of some sort.” and then in operation, to make them Picking up on the dream of spending ried out in the UK and we underpin a look for ability in their grades; you Having completed his degree in into mature beamlines with a strong time working on his own experiments, fair proportion of it. In many cases, look for their vision, passion and en- Chemistry at Durham University, Pro- competitive international science pro- I ask whether the practical chemist in the work done at Diamond was abso- thusiasm. fessor Rayment decided to move south gramme carried out on them. him misses the hands-on science. lutely vital, but it’s underpinning and so “To be a successful academic you to Oxford University to study for a “I am here to share the leadership of “I would like to do more of my own doesn’t make headlines.” need a whole variety of skills. I think to science of course, but that’s the same I question Professor Rayment further be a good researcher; you actually need with every academic you ever see. on the topic of Diamond’s funding, and to have a passion for the subject, and “However, one of the privileges of if the government’s recent budget cuts you have to learn to fail, and learn from synchrotron science is that experiments have affected the facility. those failures. come around on a periodic basis that “Diamond is 86% funded by the UK “One of the things I’ve learnt is that you really can get involved with. When Research Council and 14% by the Well- you always keep on learning. Over we’re doing experiments on the beam- come trust. When there have been cuts time, I’ve also learnt that sharing what line, I help on a practical basis.” in funding, Diamond has felt it, but we you learn and what you know with oth- Professor Rayment admits that his do the best we can to make sure the ers is exceptionally valuable. One of knowledge and experience has come users don’t feel it. This is a user syn- the characteristics of an academic life with “an unimaginable number of mis- chrotron, and the users are kept fi rst by is that it can be quite solitary; it’s a takes”, and it is the lessons he has learnt making sure the people who work here feature of academics to want personal from these that allow him to recognise are scientifi cally great. All of our prin- recognition. That can be positive, but it the mistakes of others and solve them, ciple scientists are researchers in their can also be destructive. saving crucial time on experiments that own right.” “Doing research is hard work, and on average last only 48 hours. Moving on, I question further into part of your responsibility is to commu- Despite its undeniable presence, both Diamond’s employment schemes and nicate it to other people. If you’re not on the physical landscape and on the how current science graduates can get excited about your research, then you’ll Harwell Science and Innovation Campus, home of the synchrotron facility horizons of ground-breaking science involved. never excite anyone else about it.”

8 Friday 09 December 2011 FELIX Science Editors: K e l l y O a k e s Alexander Karapetian SCIENCE [email protected] In brief Wolves help predict climate effects

Pandas arrive in Edinburgh Sophie Buijsen

Two giant pandas arrived in Edinburgh, Scotland, Scientists at Imperial College have devised an last weekend after a nine hour non-stop flight evolutionary model based on climate change from China. The pandas, Tian Tian and Yang and a study of grey wolves. Guang, are the first to live in the UK for 17 years. It has long been known that environmental The eight-year-old pair will live at Edinburgh Zoo factors play an important role in the evolu- for the next ten years, and the Zoo hope that tionary development of species. This is best they will eventually have cubs. exemplifi ed by the fact that the same species Kelly Oakes may have a different phenotype when living in different environments. For example, grey wolves’ coat colour is dependent on their location. Recent changes in the climate have also led to drastic changes in certain species, such as the rapid physical shrinkage of the polar bear. Predicting the infl uence of these environmental changes on species’ development is important, especially for species at the top of the food chain, as their development infl uences changes lower down the chain. Professor Tim Coulson of the Life Sciences A pack of wolves bed down in Yellowstone National Park Department of Imperial College and his col- leagues observed a group of 150 grey wolves (Canis lupus) in Yellowstone National Park for after humans populating the area had driven other important result was that changes in the the duration of 15 years. The scientists tracked them out of their original habitat. The wolves wolves’ characteristics depend on which part the wolves’ reproductive success, genotype in Yellowstone National Park are therefore all of the wolf’s life cycle is most impacted. I hope that the panda wasn’t too jet lagged... and body weight and mapped these against the descended from the original pack that moved The model will now be applied to a wide va- environmental changes in the park. With this into the park. The Yellowstone Park is a close- riety of species to see if it is globally applica- data they created a mathematical model that ly monitored nature reserve, and so a lot of ble. Unfortunately, such extensive data as for can predict future evolutionary changes in the data is available on the changes that occurred the Yellowstone National Park wolves is not Habitable planet found observed factors in the grey wolf species. within the park over the decades. available for many other species. The wolves were exceptionally good sub- The results showed that overall changes in If the model works more globally, it can be Scientists have discovered a new planet outside jects for the study as they had only been in- the environment had a greater impact on wolf used in helping to set conservation policy. of our solar system that might be capable of sup- troduced to the Yellowstone Park in 1995, populations than year-to-year fl uctuations. An- DOI: 10.1126/science.1209441 porting life. The planet, known as Kepler 22-b, lies within the habitable zone around its star, which means that if water exists on the planet it should be in liquid form. Kepler 22-b has a relatively comfortable surface temperature of 22˚C. How sharks swim faster than you But those harbouring hope that we may be able to move there one day will be disappointed to hear that it lies 600 light years away – even if we were able to travel at the speed of light, it would take Sotirios Karamitsos motion can be reconstructed by tracking the tails swing, they send the water to one side, us at least 600 years to get there. The planet was particles. This technique had, up until now, and then push it away, abruptly changing its discovered by NASA’s Kepler mission that has so Scientists have discovered how sharks are able been two-dimensional. The particles’ move- direction and thus causing vortices. Most fi sh far discovered 28 confi rmed planets outside our to swim faster than most other fi sh. Making ment was tracked in the horizontal and the ver- cause a single water ‘ring’ to propel backwards solar system and a further 1,235 planet candi- use of an advanced imaging technique, they tical directions only, and movement perpen- at the end of their tail’s stroke, and sharks were dates. were able to examine how sharks swing and dicular to those was only estimated. However, thought to produce two rings because of their Kelly Oakes stiffen their tails to swim more effi ciently. Flammang wanted to directly detect move- asymmetric tail. As expected, the robotic tail Sharks, like all fi sh, wag their tails to propel ment along depth as well, and so added a third created two rings of different size. forward. However, sharks, unlike most fi sh, camera. This method, known as volumetric However, the group reported that real sharks’ have tails that are not horizontally symmetri- imaging, had been used only by engineers to tails produce the larger, second ring as they cal. Instead, the top of a shark’s tail protrudes study water fl ow. Biomechanist Frank Fish of reach the shark’s midline, contradicting the Confused by DOIs? further back than the bottom, giving the shark West Chester University notes that its use concurrently accepted model. A set of dual-linked a lift while swimming. Sharks do not have nat- stitutes an entirely novel approach in biology. vortex rings are produced each half-stroke, ural buoyancy and sink when they stop mov- which, as Flammang states, is greatly advanta- DOI stands for digitial object identifier. A DOI will ing, so the lift generated by their tails’ shape is geous since the shark “has added thrust mid- help you find the journal article a science news indispensable in helping them stay at constant Sharks,SSharhar unlike most swing”. She believes that the muscle she had story is based on. depth. In 2005, Harvard biomechanist Brooke previously discovered is used to stiffen the tail Just type http://dx.doi.org/ into the URL bar Flammang discovered a muscle in sharks’ tails fish,fih have tails that mid-swing, changing its shape and even pos- and add the DOI to the end. For example:cyberduck that activated at various times during the tail’s sibly its texture, to facilitate the creation of the http://dx.doi.org/doi:10.1038/nature10550 stroke cycle. A new study, published recently are not horizontallyy second ring. will take you straight to the Nature letter about in the Proceedings of the Royal Society B, ob- MIT ocean engineer Michael Triantafyllou the dwarf planet Eris. Alternatively go to http:// served the tail’s movement in close detail to symmetric. observes that the discovery has the potential dx.doi.org/ and put the DOI into the search box “ examine the muscle function. to be applied to the better design of underwa- on that site. To detect the fi ner details of tail movement, ter vehicles. While he warns that it might be Or, if you’re feeling lazy, Googling the DOI usu- researchers scatter small particles in the water. Flammang and her team put two spiny dog- cumbersome to design shape-shifting compo- ally works too... Lasers are shone on the particles, which can fi sh and two chain dogfi sh in a water tank with nents, Flammang expresses her desire to build then be detected by high-speed cameras that a constant water fl ow so that the sharks could “a fully functioning shark tail model” that can capture the refl ected light. The tail pulls the swim in place, along with a robotic shark tail. change its stiffness. particles along as it swings, and so the tail’s The current understanding is that,” as fi shes’ DOI: 10.1098/rspb.2011.0489 FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 9 SCIENCE Let it snow, let it snow...

Science Editors Alexander Karapetian and Kelly Oakes bring you an inside look into snowﬂ akes

nowfl akes start out life as been intriguing to mathematicians. The small particles of dust in a Koch snowfl ake, named after Swedish high up cloud. Water freezes mathematician Helge von Koch, was one around the dust particles, of the earliest fractals to be described. It forming tiny ice crystals. At consists of equilateral triangles drawn Sfi rst, the ice crystals grow slowly, devel- on to segments of an existing triangle oping fl at sides known as facets. At this repetitively. Adding triangles to every stage they are hexagonal prisms, with side of the previous state is one iteration. eight sides or facets – two shaped like The Koch snowfl ake is what you end up hexagons and six that join the two hexa- with as the number of iterations tends to gons together to make the prism. All fac- infi nity. ets grow at equal rates and, for a while, Considering the fractal as a mathemati- the ice crystals slowly get bigger. Once cal curve, it would be continuous across they reach a certain size, branches sprout the real numbers but differentiable no- from the six corners of the crystals. The where, similar to the curious Weierstrass branches grow at the same rate to begin function that holds the same properties. with, because the atmospheric conditions These functions challenged the once- are the same all around the crystals. believed idea that every continuous But once the weather starts to get better function was differentiable except on a and a crystal is blown around in its cloud, set of isolated points. They, like fractals, the surrounding temperature changes exhibit self-similarity; a zoom anywhere randomly. Crystal growth rate is linked on the curve would look exactly the same to temperature so the branches start to as the bigger picture. grow more erratically. All sides of the crystal experience the same conditions at the same time, so they grow at the same rate - but that rate changes with the constantly changing temperature, resulting in the beautifully complex structure we Fractals such as the Koch snowfl ake tend call a snowfl ake. Each snowfl ake looks to have simple rules for generation but slightly different thanks to its unique often result in complex plots after few growing conditions, but has six-fold iterations. A mathematician called Felix symmetry because of its early life as a Hausdorff introduced a means of better hexagonal prism. understanding how fractals fi ll space in At least, that’s what a snowfl ake looks A magnifi ed snow crystal and three iterations of the Koch Snowfl ake fractal curve 1918, called the Hausdorff dimension. It like in theory. In practice, two branches was used in cases where the space was do not always grow at exactly the same better described with non-integer values, rate even if they both exist in exactly the rather quickly. cules laid out in the same way is very, fl akes, and had studied the relationship as opposed to those in classical topologi- same conditions. So not all snowfl akes An individual snowfl ake is the re- very small. between temperature and water vapour cal dimensions. The Sierpinski triangle, have perfect six-fold symmetry – but sult of so many ‘choices’ – which way saturation. Japanese physicist Ukichiro a famous fractal, consists of three copies they come pretty close. to branch, how fast to grow – that the Nakaya, who famously said that “snow- of itself after each iteration, with each chances that two of these complex snowfl akes are letters sent from heaven”, copy shrunk by a factor of a half. The fl akes will be the same is very small. If looked into how snow crystals naturally Hausdorff dimension provides a more only a hundred choices were made in the form various patterns, with his Nayaka intuitive means of describing the space formation of a snowfl ake, there would be The shape of snowfl akes has been fa- Diagram outlining relationships among taken up by each iteration by taking into 10158 possible different resulting snow- miliar to many of us from a young age, vapour, temperature, supersaturation and account a ratio of the natural logarithms Technically, an ice crystal in the shape fl akes. That’s seventy orders of magni- instilled in our minds by media rang- excess vapour density in clouds. Nayaka of the amount of copies created and their of a hexagonal prism is a snowfl ake. It tude more than the number of atoms in ing from cartoon depictions to weather created over 3000 photographic plates respective scale factors. would not be diffi cult to fi nd two of these the universe. In reality, there are many reports. Their symmetry has been a re- of the various shapes and was driven to A Sierpinski hexagon, or Hexafl ake, is small snowfl akes that looks essentially more choices made, and many more search topic for some time; Olaus Mag- create artifi cial snow from ice crystals built with the presence of a Koch snow- identical. Once they get larger and more paths the snowfl ake could have gone nus, a Swedish writer, published one of grown in his laboratory. His technique fl ake at all zoom levels, and is a gener- complex, however, you would be look- down in its formation – resulting in an the earliest snowfl ake diagrams in 1555. of using a cooled dual-layer hollow glass alisation of the traditional shape used, ing for an increasingly long time – pos- almost unimaginable number of possible Researchers, philosophers and the curi- tube failed to create snowfl akes. He did, allowing snowfl ake-like fractals to be sibly forever – to fi nd two the same. snowfl akes. ous eventually began to know more, with however, manage to produce a snow generated from arbitrary polygons tes- What an individual snowfl ake looks Putting aside the complex branching René Descartes publishing a study for crystal on the tip of a single hair of rab- sellated recursively. The Hexafl ake has like depends on a fi ne balance between that goes on, the stuff that snowfl akes are the crystallization process in 1637. Just bit fur – three years after his fi rst attempt. a larger Hausdorff dimension than the two processes: faceting and branching. made of can also be the source of much under thirty years later snow crystals In 1983, snow crystals were made in Koch snowfl ake, with features including Faceting is the formation of fl at sides variation. Snowfl akes are typically made were observed under magnifi cation, in orbit on the Challenger Space Shuttle the replacement of each fl ake with small- and branching is the formation of, you up of around 1018 water molecules. All what was to become the fi rst major publi- while testing biological materials in er polygons on each iteration. Several guessed it, branches. These processes water molecules are not created equal: cation of the Royal Society of London by electrical fi elds under microgravity. The fractals have been classifi ed successfully are both affected by temperature and most will be exactly the same, but in one Robert Hooke. His book, Micrographia, Nakaya diagram was confi rmed shortly according to this method of calculating other atmospheric conditions. Once a in fi ve thousand a deuterium atom will inspired a wave of interest in bringing the after, with artifi cial snow crystals made the space they use, but some have no snowfl ake leaves the hexagonal prism have replaced one of the hydrogen at- world of the small to our eyes by way of in an updraft. Now, scientists can cre- analytical solution as yet. phase of its growth and starts branching, oms, and in one in fi ve hundred, a slight- microscopes, and further research cata- ate artifi cial snow at will, with a deep Snowfl akes have always been a sym- especially under changing atmospheric ly heavier isotope of oxygen will replace logued the various types of crystals in- understanding of the environmental and bol representative of the festive season, conditions, it diverges from the simple the usual oxygen atom. The probability volved in forming snowfl akes. chemical processes involved. and Felix Science is keeping its fi ngers hexagonal shape and becomes complex that two snowfl akes have these mole- By the 1900s, we had 97 types of snow- The shape of snow crystals has also crossed for a white Christmas. 10 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX Science Editors: K e l l y O a k e s Alexander Karapetian SCIENCE [email protected] In brief The subtle parasite

Graphene makes inkjet printer Maya Kaushik explains the link between slow reactions and suicidal rats electronics a possibilty

Graphene is a unique material consisting of single layer of carbon atoms bonded in a hexagonal pattern. As the thinnest and most conductive material ever discovered it has countless possible applications in electronics. Research into the material is progressing quickly, with the government setting aside £50m for this purpose earlier this year. Now a group of engineers from Cambridge University have announced that they have managed to produce a graphene based transistor using an inkjet printer. Writing in a paper published last month on arXiv.org, a pre-print repository, the team describe how the performance of their transistors is broadly comparable to that of traditional semiconductor transistors. The ink for this process was produced by using the solvent N-Methylpyrrolidone (NMP) to strip off single layers of graphene from a block of graphite in a process known as liquid phase exfoliation. While other solvents could have been used, NMP was chosen since it stops fl akes of graphene in an ink droplet becoming concen- trated around its perimeter as it dries on a surface – a phenomenon which is known as the ‘coffee ring effect’ and which is highly detrimental to the function of electronics produced in this fashion. A centrifuge was then used to remove graphene fl akes with a diameter of more than one micrometer, which might have blocked the printer nozzle, and the quality of the ink was as- sessed using spectroscopy and transmission electron microscopy. A modifi ed desktop printer was used to print a transistor onto a surface which was coated with Parasites may be lurking on a cold winter’s day, better off staying in... hexamethyldisilazane (HMDS) to further reduce the “coffee ring effect”. The printer was fi rst tested by pro- ducing dot based patterns before moving on to attempt t’s the start of a cold winter’s day in level, it is possible that the prevalence of Many people around the world are un- a transistor. London. A young man gets into his T. gondii infection, through subtly affecting knowingly infected. The parasite’s effects While inkjet printers have already been used to pro- car to drive to work. Amongst the individual personalities, may affect a coun- are subtle, and in most healthy people it produce conventional complementary metal-oxide-semi- bustle of traffi c, a pedestrian runs try’s entire culture. duces no illness beyond mild fl u-like symp- conductor transistors these have proved, unlike those onto the road – the young man sees The situation reads as if it were a script toms. The precise prevalence of infection is created by the Cambridge team, to operate far too slow- Ithis, but does not react fast enough. The car from science fi ction. How can a parasite pro- not known – in the UK it may be around 7%; ly to be of any practical use. Graphene based electron- swerves, bumps into the pavement, and he duce such dramatic effects? Until recently, in other countries it may be much higher, ics are still far more expensive than their conventional wakes up dazed in hospital a few hours later. this question has been very diffi cult to an- reaching as high as 70% in some parts of counterparts, but the use of simple inkjet technology At the back of the hospital, a rat scurries swer, but genome sequencing of T. gondii the world. promises massive reductions in price. across concrete, foraging for food. He senses has produced insightful results. Two genes But the effects of T. gondii can range be- The wide range of surfaces on which transistors can a smell that should raise alarm – a cat. But in- in the parasite produce an enzyme that in- yond just subtle changes in behaviour. Stud- be printed and the fact that graphene ink is transpar- stead of running away, the scent intrigues him. creases levels of the neurotransmitter dopa- ies show that schizophrenia patients show a ent also opens up a wide range of possibilities. The Throwing caution to the wind, he scurries into mine, which is known to affect mood, per- higher prevalence of infection, and whilst team says that their work “paves the way to all-printed, the open, only to be pounced on by a tabby. sonality, and plays an important role in some this correlation does not imply causation, fl exible and transparent graphene devices on arbitrary Overlooking this scene from the window mental illness. the link is under investigation. People with substrate” and foresees it being used in the production of a nearby university, anthropology stu- To understand why this parasite may pos- AIDS often suffer from acute toxoplasmo- of “touch screens, electronic paper (e-paper), sensors, dents are discussing cultural differences sess these genes, we need to turn to our sec- sis, which can cause an infl ammation of the radio frequency tags, photovoltaic cells, and electronic around the world, debating how these differ- ond case – the tale of the rat and the cat. The brain leading to severe symptoms, and even textiles”. ences might have occurred. parasite relies on cats to spread, and an im- death. Perhaps the best known symptom of Maciej Matuszewski Are these events completely unrelated? portant part of its life-cycle occurs in a cat’s the parasite is its impact on foetuses, where They would appear to be – but may be linked gut. Altering the rat’s behaviour to increase it can cause spontaneous abortions and se- by one, rather unknown little creature; a par- its chances of being eaten would allow the vere neural complications. asite named Toxoplasma gondii. parasite to complete its life-cycle, repro- For a parasite that is so common, and has Like us on Facebook In rats, the parasite is responsible for a duce, and emerge in the cat’s faeces. such a wide range of effects, the mechanism phenomenon known as ‘fatal feline attrac- Given this life-cycle, why – and how – by which it works is surprisingly unknown. Follow the latest science news tion’. The rat becomes less cautious, more does the parasite affect humans? It would Its lack of obvious symptoms in healthy active, and even seems attracted to feline appear that we are accidental hosts; our people has led to it being ignored. My re- from Imperial and more on our odour. In this way, T. gondii may have led to mammalian brains are similar to those of search will help understand how this para- our rat’s untimely demise. rats, but we aren’t affected in quite the same site works in the brain – is it the increase in Facebook page: As for our young man, he may have just way. The main route of transmission to hu- dopamine that causes the rat to change its been tired and careless – or more shockingly, mans is through eating undercooked meat behaviour? What does this imply for infect- his behaviour may have been infl uenced by (from infected cattle, for example). Humans ed humans? In regions of the world where facebook.com/FelixScience parasitic infection. T. gondii reduces reac- can also contract the parasite from the en- over half the population are infected, the ef- tion times in humans, and can increase the vironment; soil or unwashed vegetables, fects of this parasite, subtle or not, can no risk of road accidents. On a more global which may have been exposed to cat faeces. longer be ignored. FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 11 SCIENCE A brave new molecular world

Will Prince example of the improved consump- Phillips shared the case of azox- tion habits and effi cient use of sol- ystrobin, a seemingly paradoxical Professor David Phillips, current pres- vents. Having required 1300 litres of fungicidal fungus discovered through ident of the Royal Society of Chemis- ‘red’, harmful solvents to produce a blue-sky research by Czech and Ger- try, took to the lectern on November 8 kilogram of Viagra in 1990, today we man chemists. Having found that trees for the latest Friends of Imperial Col- need only 6.3 litres of less dangerous with the fungus strobilurin (the active lege (FOIC) event. ‘amber’ solvents, with the hope being agent in azoxystrobin) grew no other In line with FOIC’s celebrations of that we might need an even smaller fungi, research was undertaken that the UN Year of Chemistry, the Im- amount of the ideal ‘green’ solvents in led to a frantic patent battle between perial professor emeritus guided the the near future. Sygenta and BASF. The former won, audience with an authoritative yet handing in their application 24 hours avuncular manner through a few of before the latter, and Sygenta an- his personal predictions for the future “support for the nounced annual azoxystrobin sales of of chemistry. over $1bn in 2008. Used as a fungi- A great deal of the work done by the sciences in the UK cide in wheat, vegetables and a wide RSC centres on highlighting the key range of commonplace foodstuffs, challenges faced by the world today would sow the seeds Phillips hypothesised that without the for which chemistry hopes to hold chemical (and the grasp of chemistry solutions. Foremost amongst these is of future prosperity” to harness its properties) we would see the development of green chemistry, food prices increase by half overnight. especially ionic liquids as a substitute Shifting from the kitchen table to Professor David Phillips, president of the Royal Society of Chemistry for more harmful solvents. Solvents An explanation of Viagra’s applica- the operating table, Prof. Phillips’ are critical in most industrial chemi- tions and an anecdote involving Prince most impressive examples of frontier cal processes, as illustrated by the fact Phillip later, the look of confusion on chemistry came in medical applica- from research in bio fl uorescence, a its of blue-sky research – how whilst that they represent 90% of the waste the faces of school students quickly tions. Photodynamic therapy (PDT) patient can expect to see the tumour today it may seem aimless, it will no products in the pharmaceuticals in- changed to one of horror, probably as enables the treatment of malignant tu- in remission within a week of treat- doubt form the springboard for the dustry. a result of mental images that the wiz- mours through photosensitive agents ment and be fully healed in a matter great leaps of tomorrow. Given the Regrettably however these same ened prince and a sex-drug together that attach exclusively to the tumour of months. current economic climate, he pro- solvents make up 35% of global emis- might evoke. tissue and bombard it with singlet If things couldn’t get any better, the posed that support for the sciences sions of volatile organic compounds Whilst some of the more virile oxygen. Talking through the case of procedure is minimally invasive and in the UK would sow the seeds of fu- (VOCs) that give rise to smog and among us might question whether the a patient with a tongue tumour, Prof. tumours hold no possibility of devel- ture prosperity, highlighting that even greenhouse gases. effi cient production of Viagra rep- Phillips pointed out that two decades oping a resistance. today apparently trivial discoveries There were a few bewildered faces resents a key global challenge, the ago, treatment would have certainly Naturally accustomed to political made two decades ago are fi nding amongst the group of visiting second- importance of securing a safe, envi- resulted in removal of the tongue, ren- persuasion through his role at the life-enriching and economically ben- ary school students as Phillips cited ronmentally friendly food supply is dering the patient speechless for life. RSC, Phillips took every opportunity efi cial applications. Are you reading, the case of Viagra production as an undoubtable. With PDT, a technique developed to impress upon his audience the mer- Mr. Cameron? Lasers may hold key to cryptography

Alexander Karapetian entity is known to an attacker, the Sussman’s method of taking advan- cryptographic system the technique tage of quantum mechanical effects “The generation of random numbers is applied to can be compromised. to produce random numbers has the is too important to be left to chance.” Sussman commented on the photons’ potential to produce large quantities This was the title of a 1970 article by changes of state, explaining “what of random numbers very efficiently, recognised expert in pseudo-random quantum mechanics tells us is that with the added benefit that the meth- number generation Robert R Cov- it’s against the laws of physics to od of generation, how the quantum eyou. There are many controversies know”. states were changed, is impossible to surrounding the various algorithms Random numbers are used to seed deduce. used to generate numbers with the il- cryptographic systems worldwide. The one-time pad cipher, known to lusion of randomness, but one Ottawa They are used in the core security be information-theoretically secure, physicist appears to have developed a algorithms which provide two way is a mathematically perfect means of way to generate them truly randomly. protected communication, site certi- securing information. The drawbacks Ben Sussman, who works with fication and digital signatures. These are in the effort required for its suc- quantum technologies at the National features can then be applied to secure cessful implementation. One require- Research Council, used laser pulses website browsing, credit card trans- ment is the use of truly random num- which last only a trillionth of a sec- actions and other security-intensive bers as keys. Sussman hinted at this ond to demonstrate the generation of elements of the digital world. in his comments, noting “a truly ran- random numbers. The laser pulse is In cryptography, Kerckhoffs’s prin- dom number generator will provide fired at a diamond and the emergent ciple states that only the key of a impenetrable encryption for commu- photons are measured. Due to quan- security system needs to remain se- nications”. tum vacuum fluctuations, the quan- cret and not the algorithm. In many While some scientists continue to tum state of the photons which were cases, digital keys are formed from understand more about the myster- fired are changed. This is due to the outputs given by pseudo-random ies of quantum mechanics and probe microscopic flickering of the amount number generators. If these genera- what we can and cannot know math- of energy in a minute point in space. tors contain flaws, the keys will con- ematically, others utilise the latter to If the method of transforming an tain inherent vulnerabilities to attack. benefit those requiring secrecy. The Difﬁ e-Hellman Key Exchange system relies on random numbers 12 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX Technology Editors: Chris “The Snowman” Bowers Feroz Salam under the mistletoe TECHNOLOGY [email protected] Tips & Hacks Nokiasoft: a match made in heaven

Spotify launches app platform Jason Parmar coos over his new Nokia Lumia 800

Spotify launched an app platform last week that will allow developers to add features to the stand- alone Spotify application. The fi rst applications announced include the Guardian app, which allows users to read reviews and new music recommen- dations, as well as similar apps from Rolling Stone deadmau5 helped to launch the Nokia Lumia 800 at Millbank Tower in late November magazine and Pitchfork. London’s Music Hack Day saw a few more interesting apps released: Chordify allows you to select a song and automatically fi nds hen Nokia announced their quickly give you two of many examples. The Gmail, Yahoo, Hotmail or, for best functionality, you guitar tabs for it, and CTRL allows you take con- partnership with Windows first is games: all games go through a very slick Outlook Exchange, it’s quick, slick and intui- trol of a virtual turntable, giving those Spotify party Phone 7 instead of Android Xbox Live interface which, if you have an Xbox, tively designed for navigation and organisation. mixes some extra effect. back in February I honestly is made even better. The other is social network- For example, threads of e-mails are kept While the app model will defi nitely see some in- thought that they’d made ing integration: if you click on a group of con- grouped, much like in Gmail, and you swipe teresting software being released for the platform, Wone of the biggest mistakes in the company’s tacts, e.g. “Chemistry” on “what’s new” there from “all” to “unread” to “flagged” to “urgent” it is worth asking whether every piece of software history. How wrong I was. is a feed of all your friends’ updates, Facebook, and you can link as many inboxes together as adapting the model adds much of value. Bloat is an Twitter, Live Messenger, Google+ and even you like.With calendar, not only do you get your unavoidable feature of most commercially released LinkedIn. “day” and “agenda” from your e-mail calendar software, and an app system for what is essentially Windows Phone 7 Even with messaging it integrates social net- (that is how I organise my life) but you have the a music player is perhaps a step too far. working; imagine if text, MSN, Facebook Chat option of including Facebook events and other As much as I’d like to talk about the physical were all in one thread – on this they are. You can calendars (which are all kept colour coded). This phone, the truth is, just like the iPhone, the great- be messaging one of your friends using Face- also links in with “tasks” of the “to-do” list as est feature of the Nokia Lumia 800 has got to be book and, when they go offline, you just tap a it’s called on the phone, organised in level of pri- the operating system. Having previously owned button and you can send them the message as a ority, deadline and again, colour coded. If you an iPhone, iPhone 3G, iPhone 3GS and a HTC text, it’s all part of the same interface. keep yourself organised online using Google or Desire I’m quite familiar with iOS and Android, Outlook it’s an absolute lifesaver and helps keep the two biggest mobile phone operating systems. you exceptionally well organised. So I put my bias against Windows Phone 7 to Productivity one side – just for a day – to try this OS out, and I wasn’t disappointed. We were used to lis- This phone isn’t only great on a personal use lev- Criticism tening to Steve Jobs at every keynote speech, el, it’s great for work. Microsoft Office has One- consistently overusing the words “innovation” Note, Excel, Powerpoint and Word so that you No phone is perfect. The two biggest flaws with and “revolutionary” until they almost had no can edit all your documents from your SkyDrive this phone are, firstly, the battery life, and sec- meaning. Yet what Microsoft have done is truly offline or online, on the go – great for some last ondly, the limited amount of apps. innovative and, well, genius. Windows Phone 7 minute edits to your lab reports. But I’m pretty sure Nokia and Windows Phone has struck a perfect middle ground between iOS Another awesome feature for productivity is, 7 know about these. Nokia has a “battery saver” and Android: it looks slick, it’s incredibly fast because it’s Microsoft, Outlook and Calendar option you can turn on, or to automatically come and most importantly, it’s unbelievably intuitive are by a long way the best I’ve ever seen on any on at “xx%”. The “Marketplace” may be sparse to use. phone (or even tablet). It doesn’t matter if it’s in its range of products, but at the moment it has everything I can think of that I would want on a phone, and it seeing as its relatively young for an Price app market, it’ll definitely grow.

At £350-400, depending on what network you’re on, it’s £100-150 cheaper than an iPhone 3G or Conclusion Samsung Galaxy S2. It’s even cheaper on contract. For example, I pay £26 a month for 600 I can honestly say I never thought I’d be in fa- minutes, unlimited texts, unlimited data, 2GB vour of, let alone endorse any Windows attempt Merry Christmas from the free BT Openzone a month and 4 months insur- at a mobile OS, but here I am, in ownership of Felix Technology team! ance, and get the phone for free. the best phone in the world. There is so much more to this phone than I can write, but I’m running out of space. I guess the Enjoy this USB Christmas tree, Integration point I’m trying to get across is, forget your bias against Microsoft, get that iPhone out of your only £12.99 on Amazon The integration of several separate applications arse and just try this thing out. You will not re- into one phone is one of the main successes. I’ll It’s love at ﬁ rst sight for Jason Parmar gret it. unionpage The Student Online Evaluation (SOLE) Survey

The fi rst SOLE of the academic year (third Student Representation contact your year rep and/or dep rep of 2011) is now LIVE! to make sure it’s discussed at Student- (www.imperial.ac.uk/sole) You may have seen the “You Said, We Staff Committees, from which your Did” posters around campus asking recommendation can be enacted on. The Student Online Evaluation (SOLE) you to fi ll in SOLE. But even though I’m Survery is designed to gather information trying to convince you to all do SOLE, If you don’t believe me, read the posters from undergraduate students on their it’s important to bear in mind that SOLE for examples. They include providing lecture modules in the term that has has helped improve the teaching of your timetables on your Imperial Outlook, passed. It provides vital information your course, but not the wider student getting microwaves in departments for your for students, staff and the Union; this experience. All of the improvements to students to use, getting reading weeks, information allows us to acknowledge the student experience seen on these spacing out exams more, getting Apple sabbaticals courses which are well run, and address posters come directly from Student iMacs for app development, getting more issues which need to be taken care of. Representation. social spaces, getting more computer rooms and more! Jason Parmar SOLE runs once a term and is one of SOLE is just one part of student Deputy President (Education) the few chances you will get to give representation, focused on improving None of these changes would’ve been [email protected] constructive, anonymous feedback on lectures and labs. The other, hugely possible without Student Representation. lectures and labs that will help mould your signifi cant, way for us to improve course for future students. It only takes our student experience via Student So make sure you’re fully utilising the year a few minutes to make a real difference, Representation is by fully utilising our Year and dep rep positions and make sure you so do the right thing....fi ll in SOLE at and Dep Reps. fi ll in SOLE before it closes on Friday 16th www.imperial.ac.uk/SOLE (plus the December. top three departments with the highest If you can think of something to improve Keep up-to-date with your Sabbaticals at: participation get money for their DepSoc). not only your own, but also future imperialcollegeunion.org/sabbs students experience at Imperial College

Mechanical Engineering “YOU “ Help mould your course/Have There was not enough your voice heard. Filling in SOLE computer room is one of your main chances to space. give constructive, anonymous SAID feedback on your course, It only takes a few minutes to make a real difference for the

Make a difference, ﬁ ll in SOLE at WE DID www.imperial.ac.uk/sole We created an awesome new computer room on level2.

imperialcollegeunion.org 14 FRIDAY 09 december 2011 FELIX Politics Editors: Joseph Letts Rajat Jain POLITICS [email protected] Recent elections and scandals Rajat Jain writes about Johnny Foreigner as we approach the New Year

Russian Election The Euro Public Sector Strikes

Vladimir Putin’s party looks set to lose its two thirds majority in the 450 seat State Duma, Russia’s lower house. The two thirds of seats had allowed United Russia to change the constitution so Pu- tin can become president for two six year terms. The fall from 64% to fewer than 50% of the popular vote is particularly embarrassing given widespread allegations of fraud. However, since parties with fewer than 7% of votes cannot take seats, United Russia will still hold a majority in the parliament. The number in brackets shows the number of seats – 226 is a majority

Egyptian Election

Results from Egypt’s fi rst stage German Chancellor Angela Merkel The BBC has received over of Parliamentary elections sug- and French President Nicholas 30,000 complaints about Top gests Islamist parties will take Sarkozy made it clear that the Gear presenter Jeremy Clark- two thirds of seats. Though run EU treaty would be changed at a son’s comments on the One offs will eventually determine dis- meeting last Friday – regardless Show. Clarkson and the BBC tribution, the moderate Islamist of British Prime Minister David have apologized for the com- Freedom and Justice Party and Cameron’s opposition. Sarkozy ments, which included mention the radical Salafi Islamist Al Nour had tried to convince Cameron to of people who commit suicide Party are clearly dominant. This drop his insistence on repatria- by jumping under trains being means the new constitution and tion of powers from Belgium in ‘selfi sh’ (which they kind of are, legal framework is likely to have exchange for supporting a tighter right?) and the most conten- strong Islamic infl uences includ- fi scal union. However, the Ger- tious point: Clarkson’s view that ing implementation of Shariah law. man leader has said that a new people striking should be shot The results have caused alarm in treaty will be signed, whether it (a prison sentence clearly be- Israel, where Egypt’s previous dic- be between all 27 members or ing more appropriate). Despite tator, Mubarak, maintained good just the Eurozone 17. This leaves leader of the opposition Ed Mil- relations. Coptic Christians, who Cameron the choice of being liband also condemning him, make up between 10-15% of the isolated from Europe or support- intelligent people everywhere population, are particularly ner- ing the treaty and being isolated agreed that Clarkson is a bit vous that Egypt could become the from his party, who are demand- of a douchebag but was clearly new Iran and many are planning to ing a referendum on any changes joking when making his remarks leave the country. to the EU treaty. live on air.

If I was a Head of State, what would I want for Christmas? UK USA Zimbabwe Palestine Iran

Queen Elizabeth II President Obama President Mugabe President Abbas Supreme Leader Khameni

Slippers and a corgi-themed hot wa- Well Santa, I kinda need some Royalties from that annoying Nan- An invite to the UN Christmas Par- Christmas? Really? Don’t get me ter bottle change... do’s advert! ty? started... FELIX FRIDAY 09 december 2011 15 POLITICS THE NEWS THAT’S NOT “Bringing accurate, fi ctional news to readers around campus” Who will we invade this Christmas? USA Watch 3 Strikes! ith a recent cut in public sector wage rises for the next two years leading to a pay cut in realW terms, and a call to reduce pub- With Obama’s tumbling approval rat- lic sector pensions, civil servants and ing and Herman Cain dropping out of other affected parties went on srike the running for presidency, the pos- last week. This forced approximately IRAQ Iraq’s leader Nouri al-Maliki is IRAN Iran’s supposedly peaceful nu- GREECE Germany and France are sibility of the USA being led by mad- 58% of schools in England to close too dangerous a threat for us to ignore. clear programme is the greatest threat presently requesting Britain’s fi nan- man Mitt Romney looms ever closer. A today, along with affecting roughly A former rebel, this Shia leader has de- to the stability of the earth. Who the cial help in bailing out Greece. What pre-emptive strike would prevent this 6,000 routine medical operations. veloped a strong relationship with the hell do they think they are? The USA? they really need is a bailiff, and that occurrence; despite the USA’s signifi - The strikes also had the effect of in- regime in Iran and Syria’s Al-Assad Russia? Britain? France? China? Israel? is a role that I think this country is cant advantages in technology and man- creasing the number of middle aged, family. He is now taking full advan- India? Pakistan? Why on earth do they well-qualifi ed to assume, given its power, Korea, Vietnam and Afghanistan middle class people handing out fl y- tage of his forces to crush dissent from think they should be allowed to develop tradition of colonialism for furthering has shown that these do not ensure mili- ers on the streets and standing around Sunni opposition and liberal media. such dangerous weapons? The mental- economic objectives. In addition, oc- tary victory and as such should not deter with neatly printed posters. While this Not only would a full scale invasion ists even blew 17 of their own Revolu- cupying Greece would also provide a any action against the States. In fact, a has given printing companies a slight allow us to free the Iraqi people from tionary Guards up to show they’re not stepping stone from which to launch drawn-out war of attrition would reju- boost in revenue, these events caused an oppressive regime, but would give messing around. This is not like Iraq in an invasion to reclaim Cyprus, in or- venate their military-industrial complex annoyance for people on the street as us a strategic position in the Persian 2003 – not only do they have a lot more der to secure sandy beaches and gaudy and kick-start the American economy, they had to put more effort into not Gulf and increase oil security. Besides, oil, but the IAEA’s report has made it nightclubs regularly frequented by which could help drag the rest of the accepting fl yers or making eye con- we’ll easily have the military capacity clear that they are developing weapons British tourists. world out of recession. tact on their way to pick up lunch. when we fi nally withdraw troops from of mass destruction. They might even be The government gleefully reported Iraq at the end of the year. able to deploy them within 45 years. By Rajat Jain and Veli Akiner By George Galloway that less than a third of civil servants were on strike, having been sneakily chained to their desks the previous evening after carefully scheduled offi ce parties around the country. How- Americans Protest in Central Park ever, our sources tell us that these parties were funded by budget cuts ince Monday thousands but if we want to be able to compete in government departments forcing of Americans have been with our peers in the Arab States and the closure of toilets in all publicly heading to uptown Man- Africa we will need to evolve and adapt owned offi ce spaces. Needless to say, hattan to take part in a to face this ever-changing world!” groggy and disgruntled civil servants new movement, Occupy The protestors wish to broadcast their were heard to be muttering in rage on CentralS Park. Today I’ve been talk- message to the world in hope that they Wednesday morning, angrily sending ing to a few of the settled protestors will fi nd comradeship amongst like- emails to their line managers, saying to understand their motives. So far it minded groups with a passion for ac- how ministers were “taking the piss”. seems that the people gathered here are tivism. They have a well-established After a brief, sparsely attended united with a single purpose, to show groups and pages on prominent social cabinet meeting last Thursday, PM their dissatisfaction with the current networking websites and the movement David Cameron is set to announce democratic system of government. In Occupy Central Park – Credit: The Guardian so-far seems to appeal to three key de- the implementation of a Three Strikes fact, these protestors are calling for an mographics in the American population, Policy in all public bodies, starting end to democracy in the White House a politically powerful, well connected hurting our fair nation, and it’s time to the unemployed youth, the contrary in- next January. The idea being that any and the introduction of open corrup- and wealthy man, to take control of our do something about it! We’re calling for tellectuals and the uneducated masses. public sector workers engaging in tion and dictatorship to the head of the blessed country and steer it in the direc- change, change to the power structure There have already been interviews 3 or more strikes during their career country. tion of it’s future glory! of our beautiful land. with self-professed experts in American will be politely sent a disparaging let- I had a conversation with the leader “For too long we have suffered the “We need to be lead by one man, a Law who claim that the right for dicta- ter from the Prime Minister before of the movement, Dick Jersey, who indignity of decency, having to always man who has the voice of America, a torship is clearly stated in the Constitu- promptly being fi red and replaced by elaborated on the ethos of the group: do what’s right in the eyes of the world, man who epitomises the pinnacle of tyr- tion of the United States and that any younger, more downtrodden workers. “Well Pete, it’s like this. America being champions of justice and fairness, anny, a man who will put the needs of American worth their salt will back the Public sector unions such as NAPO is hurting, and we the people fi nd the and now it is our time to prosper. Amer- our nation before his own, a man who rising movement. are already urging members to strike Administration guilty of negligence. ica is a humble and poor nation, we will make backroom deals in order to in- At the time of writing, the White for the right to strike. However, with However this negligence is not a rule the world fairly, often at a cost to crease our prosperity. Without a dictator House has refused to comment on the decreasing pay and increasing apathy passing phase, we believe this insti- ourselves, and we even sell our excess we are lost sheep, subject to the whims movement, however as the pressure towards life, will civil servants roll tutionalised negligence is a result of food to inhabitants of less privileged of squabbling politicians, each trying to grows will the political establishment with the punches, or take a stand after the poison of democracy. We believe, countries, giving them to chance to en- shout louder than the other in order to start to feel the tension? rushing home for the toilet? that it is time for the Federal Govern- joy American food. However, thinking make their voices heard. It will be tough ment to step aside and allow one man, only of others and not for ourselves is and the change will encounter friction, By Joseph Letts By Joseph Letts 16 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX Business Editors: B e ñ a t G u r r u t x a g a - L e r m a Nina Kearsey BUSINESS [email protected] The Paper days are over The days of the printed newspaper are numbered, argues Marie-Laure Hicks, as the salad days of social media see a decline in the printing of broadsheets and Berliners

ake the tube and read a competition-bloggers and news start- newspapers, namely The Guardian, The newspaper. Most people ups inexperienced. Some have even New York Times, Der Spiegel, Le Monde there are doing the same, argued that this lack of knowledge, con- and El País. The impact would not have but their number is in nections and analysis could pose a risk been as strong without the unprecedent- rapid decline. Between to democracy. The right to Freedom ed collaboration of news giants. T2007 and 2009, newspaper circulation of Speech, however, keeps governing dropped by 25% in the UK. Only the bodies in check. Already the White US saw a heavier decline. This $50bn House and Congress are subject to re- “Newspapers need a business, employing 400,000 people in duced coverage due to cost cuts. Events the US alone, is in trouble. In the space could happen unnoticed and uncovered. new model to survive” of two years, eight major newspaper Governments have discussed taking ac- chains have declared bankruptcy and tion to help newspapers. In France, the newsrooms have been cut by a quarter. state will provide free subscriptions to In fact, going online is a drive for British newspapers have also needed to 18-year-olds for a year, in the hope of competition and higher quality and even lay off workers. The newspaper industry turning them into loyal readers and cus- more free speech. Bloggers hold jour- is living its worst crisis since the Great tomers. Then again, relying on Govern- nalists accountable and open a platform Depression. ments to save the paper industry could for discussion. News is becoming more Newspapers are not simply los- go against the freedom of the press to social and papers are beginning to un- ing readers, they are also losing huge a certain extent. Newspapers would be derstand this. The New York Times has amounts of funding. Companies now biting the hand feeding them. received accolades based on its use of A printer laboriously works a 16th century screw press. These archaic prefer online ads to printed publicity. Democracy, however, need not worry, social networks. Its employees have ag- printing presses were developed by Gutenberg based on similar designs used for the crushing of grapes to make wine This is a major issue as, historically, ad- because the big boys are still out there. gressively adopted Twitter and, on aver- vertisements represented up to 80% of The greater use of cameras and micro- age, a Times story is tweeted every four newspaper revenues. Online start-ups, phones means that news coverage is seconds. British papers have followed a blogs and websites are proving ever wider and faster, not missing the small- similar course by developing Facebook quality” (large amount of text, news and post has doubled the traffi c on its web- more popular. Moreover, even if news- est detail. Obama and Sarkozy’s little apps. By the end of November 2011, social networking) websites at the top. site since its pay wall went up. papers have their own website, it is no- gaffe (muttered complaints about the Is- four million people had signed up for Furthermore, the web represents a new The other model for which a number tably diffi cult to make money off them raeli PM while their microphones were The Guardian’s app. These produced market for papers as they reach more of groups have opted is the non-profi t – why would people pay for subscrip- on for all the press to hear) earlier this massive increases in readership, espe- people. The Guardian now counts half organisation. An example is ProPublica, tions when they have access to almost year is probably not going to be the last cially amongst young people. Social as many American readers as British founded by Paul Steiger, a former Wall all information for free online? People’s of its kind. Newspapers still have the re- networks are being used as a platform ones. Street Journal managing editor. This habits are changing. Why read an entire sources, infl uence and power to hold an for debating, commenting and sharing The move from readers to the web is NGO specialises in investigative jour- newspaper if you only really care about important place in the world. Wikileaks news stories. Google is also participat- forcing newspapers to fi nd a new model nalism – a rather costly business – and one or a couple sections? A website will, is the perfect example for this; Assange ing in improving the quality of webpage just to survive. For the moment, a hy- relies entirely on donations. So far sup- most likely, contain all the information, leaked information for a few years and content with Google Panda. This algo- brid between paper and webpage is still port has only increased, reaching more if not more, about a reader’s specifi c in- was only noticed by the public eye rithm pushes “low quality” (containing needed. Not enough money is made on- than $10m in 2010, but this might not terests. when the US diplomatic cables were large amounts of advertising) websites line for papers to survive. An example is last forever. But the internet is young, and the published in three, then fi ve major to the end of search results and “high Politico which has three million online Other than bankruptcies, some great readers but printed ads account for 50% failures have also occurred as news cor- of its revenues. Internet returns are not porations try to fi nd their place in the increasing as fast as hoped for, but this new technology age. Murdoch launched is slowly changing. an iPad exclusive newspaper, The The most effective model so far has Daily, available for 99 cents a week. proven to be the limited free access – The app needed 500,000 subscribers pay walls set up by The Financial Times to cover costs. It had 120,000 users in and The New York Times, for example. October, eight months after being made The New York Times experimented with available. Knowledge of the “old” paper a fi rst pay wall that resulted in a big drop industry is not enough. in readership and was therefore scraped. Brand loyalty, perhaps also known This also happened to The Times in the simply as trust is going to be a determin- UK when it fi rst launched its pay wall. ing factor in the survival of newspapers. Currently The New York Times and Fi- Big and respected names that provide nancial Times allow free access to a good analysis will make it through this limited number of articles per month crisis. Trust is also essential as shown and increasing levels of access for a by the phone hacking saga. Commu- subscription charge, the lowest being nity papers, affecting smaller and well $15. This generates enough traffi c for ad defi ned groups of people will maintain revenue and encourages people to sub- their place. Turning a failing newspa- scribe. The results are very promising. per into a free daily has had its success Traffi c is up 2% on the New York Times stories too. Even if it leaves the paper website and total digital earning reached behind, the newspaper industry has sur- $210m – enough to operate a profi table vived the rise of the radio and the televi- news room. Theoretically The New York sion and is not likely to end now. This Times could stop printing tomorrow and new challenge will only make it come Mobile technology and social media networks played a key role in the uprisings of the Arab Spring such as the survive. Similarly, The Financial Times out better and stronger. So enjoy your ones in Egypt pictured above. Twitter identifi es streams of trending topics allowing users to follow and contrib- has seen an increase in 30% for online newspaper while it lasts and get your ute to the breaking news. The most-used hashtag of 2011? #egypt subscriptions and The Berliner Morgen- tablet ready. FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 17 BUSINESS

landfi ll waste that get packed up with ties, there are gangsters who do just Are you a Gangster? plastic water bottles, it also challenges that. Earlier last week, Mike Mompi our perception of water as a ‘paid for’ from MakeSense London gang helped commodity. A lot of people today may organize a two day ‘hack-a-thon’ feel too shy about asking for tap water with Random Hacks of Kindness and in a restaurant as it is seen as an act of MyBnk Social Enterprise, which chal- The Imperial Entrepeneurs tell us the story of a new kind ‘cheapness’ rather than a basic right. lenged the problem of fi nancial illiter- GiveMeTap is trying to challenge that acy and fi nancial inclusion. The event of ‘gang warfare’ within the Social Media, and how it is notion and save the environment at the brought together developers, designers same time. Moreover, 70% of its profi ts and fi nancial experts who attempted bettering the work of young entrepreneurs from the sale of refi llable bottles go to- to come up with new solutions on the wards building sustainable water proj- subject of matter and tested them right ects in Africa. away. Serge Vasylechko However, despite all this, as the Quite a bunch, isn’t it? The current founder describes it “the challenge for status of social enterprise as a branch of Walking up towards the exit from GiveMeTap is to be able to scale signif- entrepreneurship, or indeed as the sole the SAF lecture theatre I saw two icantly enough so that there is a refi ll- way to do business, looks likely to grow people approach me who asked that able station every 500m around big UK exponentially as more and more people exact question. “Are you a gangster?” city hubs.” It will inarguably struggle become empowered with technology, Unsurprisingly, it made a few other to gain a mass following unless one of especially that of social networking. In- people turn their heads around in the bigger retailers, such as Starbucks, creasingly, corporate social responsibil- wonder, as they were also leaving the will sign up to its scheme. Herein lies ity is becoming essential for support of lecture hall after a presentation on the challenge to solve for gangsters of large businesses and, logically, the next social economy. MakeSense. level up would be to build businesses Little did they know about what made Another interesting business that which have a social aspect deeply inte- these two strangers say this and how it MakeSense had previously organized a grated into their business concepts. could be connected to one Christian hold-up with is a microfi nance startup Last but not least, given the recent Vanizette. Despite what some friends called Emaji. Currently in its early stag- events of political and economic insta- may say for the usual joke this had es of development, Emaji is building an bility the politicians often agree that nothing to do with my Russian/Ukrai- online marketplace which will allow the old systems need to be reformed to nian background and the tales of Rus- entrepreneurs in the developing and become more socially responsible. In sian mafi a wars... third world countries to sell their prod- fact, UK is already a leader in social in- As I smiled and replied “yes” the ucts directly to consumers in the west. novation with 1.7m people working in eavesdroppers drew closer towards us The current issue with many market the social sector jobs and one in three to try and understand what was going makers, especially Emaji’s main target startups having a social aspect in their on. In fact, what these two strangers market – craft-makers – is that they re- business models. were referring to was a movement that Wise guys (from left) Ray Liotta, Robert De Niro, Paul Sorvino and Joe ceive only a tiny profi t from the prod- Pesci play old-school gangsters in Scorsese’s GoodFellas (1990) originated in France about a year ago ucts they sell in their localities, which So, if you still dream of changing called MakeSense. It challenges people often is not enough for sustaining their the world and want to hang out and from around the globe to help social en- families. Drawing on their passion learn from social entrepreneurs feel trepreneurs to solve some of the world’s sulting case study, or an engineering GiveMeTap refi llable water bottle can in entrepreneurship, the founders of free to email us at entrepreneurs@ most stressing problems by organising problem. Whatever you may call it, go to the nearest cafe or restaurant Emaji plan to develop an easy-to-use e- imperial.ac.uk. We’ll make sure to creative brainstorm sessions that are there are a few of things that make which is signed up to the scheme and commerce platform which will connect let you know about the next hold-up, called ‘hold-ups’ (yes, just like the hold-ups very special indeed. Firstly, get a refi ll of clean drinkable tap water. consumers with craft makers and their and more importantly, hail you as a ‘robbery at gunpoint’). When a hold-up by working with real world businesses Truly inspiring, this business hits on stories. The challenge posed to Make- gangster. is organised, 6 to 15 gangsters (that is, that pursue an ethical mission to tackle multiple social problem areas at the Sense gangsters was to think bold and members of this movement) come to- an environmental or a social problem same time. Not only it is trying to tack- to answer “How can Emaji become a gether to meet one social entrepreneur – the defi nition of social enterprise – it le the stigma around drinking tap water Facebook of Fairtrade?”. with a specifi c problem to solve. offers a sense of real achievement. Sec- (despite it being safe due to Health & Still, if you feel that your greatest The challenge could be anything ondly, it teaches participants to think in Safety regulations for retail environ- skill is not in strategy or marketing, but from the basic question of “How do I real business terms – a skill which most ments), and unthinkable masses of rather, for example, your coding abili- build an online community for my fair of us don’t get taught in the classroom. trade business?” to more complex ones Lastly it also provides a point of contact such as “How do I scale internationally with lots of ambitious people who are to support my microfi nance charity in passionate about making a difference. India?” or “How do I introduce new As MakeSense is growing and new streams of revenue for my environmen- members are adding up, more and more tal initiative in Chile?” The case is then hold-ups are being organized around brainstormed in a structured way so that the world. In the past 6 months it grew after two hours the gangsters are able to from a small community of around 100 come up with 100 ideas and fi ve pos- gangsters based in Paris, to more than sible solutions to a given problem. 500 across London, Vienna, Berlin, Of course, the answers are not always San Francisco, Shanghai and even Mel- right, and in fact, quite often they are bourne. The gang recently reached the truly out-of-the-box, but what Make- hallmark of 100 organized hold-ups, Sense-ers are able to do is to give to the and is growing exponentially as I write. social entrepreneur an outsider’s per- Indeed, right now, the Paris hub is lead- spective. By breaking down the busi- ing six hold-ups simultaneously to help ness concept into tiny pieces, thinking improve six unique social businesses. creatively, and reconstructing it with a So, what kind of businesses do Make- different view, MakeSense gangsters Sense gangsters get involved in any- give the entrepreneur an opportunity way? One of the new enterprises that to see those crucial improvements and the London MakeSense gang is plan- fl aws in their initiative – something that ning to work with is GiveMeTap, a so- is paramount to any business survival cial business that aims to create UK’s and success. fi rst free water refi lling network. The Paul Newman (right) and Robert Redford as Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid in the 1969 fi lm of the same One could compare it to a cool con- idea is that anyone who has bought a name. Their real-life counterparts gained notoriety holding-up banks and trains, though never young entrepreneurs 18 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX Business Editors: B e ñ a t G u r r u t x a g a - L e r m a Nina Kearsey BUSINESS [email protected] Why is the UK economy sinking, too? If the Good Ship Eurozone goes down, we are going down with her, explains Albert Nickelby

he Eurozone crisis has all the traits of a perfect story: a choral drama with a fuzzy and mistrusted anti- hero, pompous and obscure villains,T few and powerless heroes, and many victims; the plot is so twisted that its outcome remains as mysterious as exciting, and its consequences so open to chance and mishaps that any guess in this respect is but a fools errand. Hence, it comes to no surprise that the UK press devotes so much ink to the Eurozone crisis: it is where the news seem to be. This, of course, has the intriguing consequence of neglecting domestic affairs: “the European Union could be doomed, so why would we care about the UK economy at all?” Consider this example: in 2009, as the Euro crisis unfolded, Larry Elliott, professional doomsayer and, sometimes, The Guard- ian’s business editor too, adopted this peculiar point of view and decided – and he has been rather consistent in this for the last two years – that the Eu- rozone crisis arose due to the existence of the euro alone – which the UK did not adopt, and the lack of monetary sovereignty amongst its members this im- plied: they cannot devalue their curren- cies, nor use their central banks to buy their own debt. No matter that even a 1st year economics undergrad would know that devaluating currency, buying bonds and printing money are but short-term measures that do not generate wealth An allegory of the current state of the UK’s economy: as Great Britain sinks under the burden of its debts and weaknesses, the Palace of Westminster (they only water it down and generate is fl ooded with problems infl ation), Mr Elliott concluded that it was that infl exibility that had made make the euro fail and the Eurozone one. The economic growth forecast for Osborne was apparently hoping for the ernment expenditure, thus depressing tor underwent several crises, it appears break up; after all, “it is a newspaper’s 2012 was reduced to a mere 0.9% GDP next few years. Of course, the House of the economy. This is the stance some that most of its activity did not recover. duty to print the news and raise hell”. – as opposed to the previous prediction Commons was not satisfi ed with faintly renowned international commentators Think, for instance, of the Manches- Thank goodness – Mr Elliott would say of 2.5%. These gloomy forecasts were optimism alone, so Osborne was force such as Paul Krugman or Joseph Stiglitz ter industrial belt and how, in general, – the UK, with its own central bank, is followed by those of Mervin King, the to name a culprit, which he found in the have taken: it is not the time for tackling northern UK economy, traditionally so far away from the euro trap that none governor of the Bank of England (BoE), Eurozone crisis negatively affecting UK defi cits, but for making the economy reliant on industry, has not fared quite of its limitations and their consequences who pointed in the same direction: exports. grow; rather than budget cuts, govern- as well as that of the more service-fo- could affect it. Hence, it is most curi- George Osborne, Chancellor of the Ex- It is most ironic that such a euroscep- ments should develop fully expansive cused southern England. According to ous to realise that, despite all that, the chequer was urged to stick to his auster- tic as George Osborne would implicitly monetary and fi scal policies aiming at Mr Giles, the UK economy has been UK economy is sinking as badly or even ity measures, and the BoE to continue acknowledge that the UK economy is economic recovery. remarkably bad in creating substitutes worse than that of the Euroclub. How is its quantitative easing program. Finally, so dependent on that of the Eurozone It might be that both Labour and Os- for foreign imports, even after the Brit- this possible, being outside of the euro? last Wednesday, in his address to the that the latter can actually lead the for- borne are right in their analysis, and that ish pound depreciated by 20% during Two weeks ago, the Organisation House of Commons, Osborne reluctant- mer to recession. Indeed, the UK is the a combination of the austerity measures the crisis. for Economic Co-operation and De- ly admitted defeat. He acknowledged Eurozone’s second commercial partner penalising consumption, and the Euro- Furthermore, the crisis seems sys- velopment made public its half-yearly that, as the economic perspectives for (just behind China), and as for fi nancial zone crisis penalising exports, is most temic. As it happened in so many other economic outlook report and, albeit the UK were turning drearier than he transactions, it is also its second partner likely a reason. But it might also be that countries, at some point during the historically the credibility of its pre- had expected, the austerity measures (right after the USA). One wonders, this this is not all the truth at all, nor a true gilded 90s and 2000s, economic fi g- dictions has been similar to those of would have to continue beyond this Par- being the case, how long it would take cause. Chris Giles, from the Financial ures stopped refl ecting reality. After a a drunken fortune-teller, it still of- liament (2010-2015). for the UK to go bankrupt if it were to Times, pointed out several weeks ago trip to London during the early 2000s, fers a useful analysis of the economic At the same time, Osborne pointed out abandon the European Union altogeth- that UK exports remain at the same lev- a Canadian analyst from the Toronto health of each country. The UK’s was that even though the UK government er... But, despite this easy pun, Labour el as they were in 2008 – before the Eu- Star pointed out he could not under- as bleak as Mr Elliott’s account on the would be forced to borrow more, the came up with a perfectly valid excuse to rocrisis – and that, whereas in countries stand how UK citizens could afford to issue was lukewarm: unemployment UK public debt was cheaper than ever, attack the government: it could be, after such as Spain exports had contributed live in London: their salaries were, it is had increased, infl ation was on the rise, so the borrowing costs would be lower all, that the severe austerity measures by 6.3% towards economic growth, true, higher than those of Canada, but economic growth had been almost non- than expected. Indeed, for three days Osborne has taken so far were done too those of the UK had done so by only the cost of living was also in propor- existent, public indebtedness had not during last week (Monday, Tuesday soon; that Osborne’s inexperience had 2.5%. He concluded that the UK’s eco- tion, extremely high. Indeed, at some been halted. As an outcome, it predicted and Wednesday), UK public debt was lead him to lift too soon the economic nomic health was weak; the cause of it point after reaganomics kicked in, sala- the UK economy would enter recession cheaper than German one; on Thursday, stimuli Gordon Brown had imple- was, according to him, structural: over ries and pensions stopped refl ecting re- in this last quarter and next year’s fi rst the fi ckle debt markets broke the trend mented and dramatically decrease gov- the last decades, as the UK industry sec- ality: they were just not enough to pay FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 19 BUSINESS for basic goods, not to mention luxury forlornly pointed out that infl ation, ones. Fortunately, credit was cheap, so combined with the crisis, the budget consumption was kept up with debt. cuts and the loss of social benefi ts were The UK should adopt As Alan Greenspan and company low- dramatically harming UK citizen’s stan- ered interest rates further, they fuelled dards of living. Recent projections ex- the late economic bubble, which fi nally pect them to be at the same level of 2001 burst. After it burst, all that remain were by 2017. This is as bad as Greece, and the Euro heaps of debt to be repaid. unprecedented in the UK; something In this sense, the UK is amongst the similar in the 1970s cost Callaghan his highest debtors in the world, owing premiership. But with the markets es- Dimitri Raphaelovich argues that the UK should become part about 450% of its GDP, and with a gov- pecially sensitive to high indebtedness, ernment debt of around 85% GDP. But, and with a stagnant economy, Osborne of the Eurozone despite having a defi cit higher than that can only keep his cuts, and the BoE can of Portugal, Italy, Greece or Spain, and only keep his QE and low interest rates being far more indebted, “the markets” – at least, in appearance. are not attacking the UK. Why so? Os- Those being the structural problems borne claims this is due to the credibili- of the UK – a weak industry and high ty his austerity measures have given the indebtedness – the Tory agenda seems UK. Most analysts, however, believe it to have miserably failed; none of its is due to a complicated combination of promises have been delivered, nor it facts. On one hand, most of the potential seems they will; neither has the private attackers dwell in the City of London, sector overtaken the public one as the and some believe that “one does not main driver of the economy (has Os- pooh where he eats”. Besides, the ma- borne done anything after all to enforce turity of British debt is of 13 years on that?), nor do the British people live any average, meaning smaller refi nancing better than they used to; the Cameron needs, and the quantitative easing pro- government has actually made them gram seems to be buying so much UK worse off. It could be seen as a mat- debt anyway that markets are not seeing ter of political inexperience – after all, much of it. Furthermore, the economic neither Cameron nor Osborne had any growth being so low and the austerity before coming to power – combined measures so tough, it is believed that the with too much ideology and too little Bank of England will not dare to raise pragmatism. the interest rates in the years to come. For, if the reader wonders whether Hence, any eventual UK bankruptcy is anything better could have been done, The euro sign, illuminated in the European Central Bank logo, outside the ECB HQ in Frankfurt, Germany deemed unlikely. he can kindly turn his gaze towards However, these measures have fl ood- Sweden, where the conservatives rule ed the markets of the pound, and along a non-Eurozone country, and by wisely n last Wednesday’s Autumn State- with the same levels of custom duties in the 1992 crisis. But, as the unfolding with the slim growth, explain the pound combining mild budget cuts, fi scal stim- ment, George Osborne confi rmed and fi nancial transaction checks as those events are showing, it was not the euro sterling’s recent devaluation. They also uli and political discretion rather than that the UK economy’s health was of Switzerland, the UK economy would that was fl awed, but the lack of a unifi ed account for one of the most dramatic confusingly mixing savage cuts, fi scal far worse than his offi ce had ex- not survive. fi scal policy within the Eurozone. Now consequences of this gambit: the UK’s austerity and neo-liberalist fanaticism, pected. He blamed the ongoing All in all, the recent eurozone events that the latter is heading towards a fi scal huge infl ation. With fi gures of around they have been able to maintain their EurozoneI crisis of negatively affecting have lead to the proposal of a new fi - union, the euro is expected to stabilize. 5% in the last two years, Mervin King people’s standards of living. the UK’s economic growth, by pointing nancial transaction tax by some of its What comes next is a highly unifi ed out the negative impact the former had members and the European Commission. eurozone working on its own interest, had in our country’s exports. Aimed at “speculative transactions”, excluding non-eurozone countries from The effect of the Eurocrisis in the UK according to the EC’s proposal the tax decisions such as the fi nancial tax that highlights that, despite having its own would consist of a 0.1% tax on bond and might affect the UK. central bank with all the freedom to buy equity transactions, and 0.01% on deriva- It could be argued that by joining the public bonds, to devalue the currency, tive transactions between fi nancial fi rms. euro, the UK would lose a great deal of etc, the UK economy is so interlinked to The money thus collected would be used monetary and fi scal sovereignty. But in that of the Eurozone that all their troubles to support European countries in crisis. reality, the UK is not exerting it in es- are the UK’s too. Nowadays, the UK is This tax, proposed within the frame- sentially a different way to the European the eurozone’s second commercial part- work of the Eurozone, could harm the Central Bank. It is true that the Bank of ner both in commodities and in fi nancial interests of the City fi rms, who mostly England is being noticeably more fl ex- transactions; in 2009, the UK exported trade in this kind of fi nancial products. ible in buying public bonds than the £103bn worth goods to the Eurozone, They are, as a French commentator put it, European Central Bank, but the latter’s representing around 77% of the UK’s “experts in exporting fi nancial rubbish”. reluctance is explained by the lack of an exports. Despite the protests of the Prime Minis- unifi ed fi scal discipline within the euro- That is, there is no doubt that the Eu- ter, it seems he can do little to prevent this zone; and as Merkozy already hinted, rozone is the UK’s main commercial tax from becoming reality. After all, the that could change once the fi scal union is partner. And right now, like it or not, it Eurozone has all the right to tax whatever implemented. Besides, even with its “in- is its position as a member of the Euro- it wants in the same way the UK has, and dependence”, the BoE and the govern- pean Union that sustains UK economy. if its protests are not heard it is just be- ment have been utterly unable to prevent Analysts from Foreign Policy wondered cause it deliberately chose not to be part the UK from reaching the sorry state the what would happen to the UK if it were of the Eurozone. UK economy is in right now: the UK is to abandon the European Union and get However, if one considers the level of not gaining anything from having its own the same commercial status as other non- dependency the UK has with the Euro- currency. EU European countries such as Switzer- zone, and on top of that, the obvious ben- Hence, with such an interlinked land have. Their conclusions were not efi ts it gets out of being a EU member, economy, and with a fi scal and mon- very encouraging: the degree in which it could be argued that its position as a etary policy akin to its own, not being UK economy depends on that of the EU eurozone outsider is harming the UK’s part of the Euroclub seems pointless. By is far greater than that of Switzerland, national interests. The UK should join being a member, the UK’s voice would and the commercial treaties Switzerland the euro, and it should join it soon. be rightfully heard in Brussels, and the has are so stiff and strict that the Swiss This might sound surprising; after all, economic benefi ts it is already extracting After a good lunch, George Osborne was happy to show his confi dence government usually thinks of Brussels as the euro has been considered doomed from being part of the EU would only be in his plan the ‘house of pain.’ It was deemed that many times by UK media; so was the EU enhanced. 20 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX Comment Editors: Tim Arbabzadah Sam Horti COMMENT [email protected] FELIX Balderdash and other lies Concerns must at least be considered

This week professors from various institutions across the UK outlined their fears regarding the higher education White Pa- per in a letter, in particular highlighting George Barnett a perceived move that the Paper could lead to: a US-style higher education private sector that would see for-profit com- discovered a game called Bal- panies becoming able to acquire strug- derdash at a dinner party last gling universities. Claiming that one of week (I can feel the mid-life the negative consequences of such a beckoning me already – damn). move would be “crushing levels of debt”, For those of you unaware of the conclusion that the academics have theI game, it essentially involves mak- reached deserves at least some analysis, ing things up to trick people. A player especially considering the ongoing debt reads something off a card; an acro- situation that graduates already face. nym, a name, a law, or something Critics may initially point out that the else of that nature. The other players letter is simply a knee-jerk reaction to the then have to write down a response; changes outlined by the White Paper by what the acronym stands for, why the academics unwilling to adapt to the crea- name is (supposedly) famous, that This is a Christmas themed article. See, lying is really easy tion of a form of higher education market, sort of thing. Answers are collected a market that would be responsive to the and read out by the individual who needs of the student and would potential- originally wrote the card. Following cal, ill-thought out, feeble and often ly lead to far more dynamic changes than this the players pick what they believe contradictory attempts at coherent be- I’I’mm sosorry,sorr but that we see at present. However, studying the to be the correct response and duly liefs? You may or may not have seen grievances of the professors further sees advance around the board if they’re or heard about a video on YouTube really is just a load significant worry towards an American right. Some of the answers really called ‘My Tram Experience’ (ap- system of for-profit business. were absurd; I wish I could provide proximately 48 hours after uploading of bollocks. However, there is always a possibility some examples but they have eluded it had close to 3.5 million views). The that the private sector could allow univer- me somewhat (maybe it’s that middle passengers of aforementioned tram all sities access to greater resources than aged thing again). In essence, you do bear witness to a white, 34 year old, “ we can find at present. After all, alumni well in this game by writing bullshit probably drunk or drugged up woman Jeremy Clarkson fashion he wasn’t fundraising at UK universities pales sig- that’s believable. I’ve used the word with her child sitting on one knee. being the slightest bit serious and it’s nificantly in comparison to institutions in ‘bullshit’ because I really don’t think The mother is ejecting racist remarks safe to say that if Jeremy were to be the US. Help from the private sector, de- any other word would portray exactly like a torrent of vomit. Admittedly presented with a gun, ”a private sector spite danger from the shareholder, could what I’m trying to say in this article it’s not the worst video I’ve seen in striker and their family, no one would be immeasurably more profitable than at (advanced apologies for the overuse terms of racism; in fact, it’s some- get shot. Some people may not see the present. of that particular word). what tame compared to EDL member funny side of what Jeremy said (which Another comment that the academics What has struck me since playing ‘Cobz Smith’ attacking Asians on the isn’t surprising as it was taken out of make concerns the fact that a move to- Balderdash is how much nonsense I tube for no apparent reason other than context) and consider it to be bullshit wards a higher education private sector see and hear every day. It would ap- their place of origin. Nevertheless, – that’s fi ne – but then again does it would see a heavy burden on the taxpay- pear as if there are two reasons why it doesn’t exactly make for pleasant really matter that you think he’s talk- er, as well as the indebted student. Yet someone might bullshit (excluding to viewing. ing a load of rubbish? Karen Jennings, the taxpayer, as we are reminded by the win a game of Balderdash, of course); This woman clearly had no idea assistant general secretary of UNISON past government-subsided system and fi rst off we have the “cry-for-atten- what she was on about. After accost- likened how Clarkson had spoken to fierce critics of the proposals of the cur- tion” bullshit. I’ve given it that name ing another woman because of her “almost like Gaddafi would have spo- rent government, currently foots the bill because, let’s face it, everyone knows skin colour she fumbled around for ken about demonstrators” going on to for university degrees across the country. someone who bullshits for attention words like Ed Miliband in a union dis- call it “an incitement to hatred”. I’m We are heading inexorably towards due to insecurities – and even if it usu- pute, telling her to “go back to where sorry, but that really is just a load of £9,000 fees next year. For better or for ally works it doesn’t make you any you come from, so back to Sib... fuck- Have you bollocks. worse, and whatever your own personal less pathetic. It may involve deciding ing Nig... N*****agua”. I assume she been a good So how do I feel about all of this: ‘My opinion on the government’s proposals, to sleep on the fl oor of a lecture the- meant Nicaragua. Following this she boy/girl Tram Experience’, the media outburst we will begin to at least have a better atre during a lecture so that people can spewed out the following: “You ain’t this year? over Clarkson and bullshit in general? idea of the new worth of a degree under notice you and think: “ooh they must fucking British! Fuck off! You ain’t You have? I honestly don’t care. The woman on our current system once the new intake be really tired” or, more likely, “what British, you’re black! You’re black! Well, why the tram spoke pure bollocks. If I were of students begin next year. Concerned a twat”. It could also involve talking You ain’t British, you’re black!”. So don’t you on the same tram I would have done as academics such as those who signed the loudly about how much you’ve been it turns out that being black and being tell everyone few of the other passengers did – sat letter to The Daily Telegraph will likely bench pressing in Ethos. Yeah, great, British are mutually exclusive events. how good there and ignored it. And the ridiculous have to wait and see whether the new you have big pectorals. Good for you. Apparently. you have media frenzy resulting from Clark- fees will lead to an American system. At The other type of rubbish that has This whole Jeremy Clarkson issue been (or, you son’s comments on the One Show? the very least, we must have faith in the been somewhat prominent as of recent is a load of rubbish as well. It sad- know, just They’re a load of rubbish, so I’m ig- current system and the focus on financial is the “I have no idea what I’m talking dens me how the journalism industry talk about noring them too. Much like I choose to support that we continue to enjoy. about” type (I may regret saying that). completely misconstrues a situation to stuff) at: ignore people who cry for attention in Why do people open their mouths make ‘news’. If you watch the whole felixonline. various ways – because, quite simply when all that prevails are nonsensi- interview you can tell that in typical co.uk put, they exude bullshit. FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 21 “Bah Humbug!”, I hear you cry. “Why are the fi rst two pages of Comment devoid of Christmas cheer?” Never fear child, all your festive desires will be fulfi lled on pages 24 and 25. COMMENT If Britain attacks Iran I’ll quit my degree in protest

’m too young to properly remem- so now Iran’s enemies can claim Iran has ber what the run-up to the invasion broken international law and can thereby of Iraq was like, but I imagine it legitimise invasion. was rather similar to the situation Another quote from the IAEA report today with Iran. UN inspectors is a good example of this stupidity: “The Ifi nd no conclusive evidence of weapons, Agency is unable to provide credible as- the media spreads irrational panic, dip- surance about the absence of undeclared lomatic ties are removed, and then the nuclear material and activities in Iran, and carpet bombing begins. Fortunately Iran therefore to conclude that all nuclear ma- is yet to experience that fi nal step, but a terial in Iran is in peaceful activities.” In war is looking increasingly likely. Which other words, they have no proof of nuclear brings me to my main point: if Britain weapons, but they also have no proof of no Stephen Smith goes to war in Iran and if even one civilian nuclear weapons, so they cannot conclude is killed as a result, I will quit my degree that Iran’s nuclear program is peaceful. in protest, I’ll go to Iran, and I’ll see what All of this comes under the title “Pos- I can do to help. That is, if I can muster sible Military Dimensions to Iran’s Nu- enough confi dence. clear Programme”. This would explain Well, at least the military look is in nowadays... Here’s the thing: I’ve read the IAEA the headline on Radio 4’s news bulletin (International Atomic Energy Agency) re- “A report released today talks of military port in full, and there’s no real evidence dimensions to Iran’s nuclear programme.” imminent. The United States and its al- compared with the future destruction of of any nuclear weapons. What the inspec- Selective quotation from the report allows lies are gearing up for war, which (if Iraq Iranians’ lives? Or does it matter when tors discovered was “equipment, materials newspapers to mention “serious concerns” and Afghanistan are anything to go by) compared with the vast amounts of pre- and services which, although having other about “the development of a nuclear ex- means hundreds of thousands of dead ci- ventable suffering all over the world? civilian applications, would be useful in plosive device,” to back up an otherwise vilians, lucrative opportunities for western I know that as much as I want to help the development of a nuclear explosive nonsensical argument. For example, an ar- oil companies, and very little else. Which in Iran, I’ll just keep working in science, device.” In short, Iran has some objects ticle titled “UN Watchdog reveals ‘serious brings me back, again, to my main point: occasionally reminding myself (as a mo- that might be part of a nuclear weapon, concerns’ about Iranian nuclear weapons if Britain goes to war in Iran and if even rale boost) that at least I didn’t go into fi - but could also be part of something else. research” was published in The Guardian one civilian is killed as a result, I will quit nance. But when I’m old, I know I’ll look WhoWho cacares if I don’t This is rather like fi nding an alarm clock on the day of the report’s release. my degree in protest, I’ll go to Iran, and back at this time and wish I’d been brave and some wires in someone’s house and Recent chaos in UK-Iranian relations, I’ll see what I can do to help. enough to take that step into the unknown, getgeta“p a ““properp job”? suspecting them of making a bomb. including the cutting of fi nancial ties and Of course, I severely doubt I’ll have the brave enough to challenge the ubiquitous As a science student, I am aware that if the attack on the British Embassy in Teh- confi dence to do this. If I do, nearly all fu- school-university-work-retirement life Does it matter at all, you make a claim the onus is on you to ran, has led to the current situation where ture career paths will close, and I’ll prob- that I am expected to lead. I’ll look back prove it. Evidently, the members of the the Iranian Embassy in Kensington (just ably never be able to get into academia. at my life as comfortable but ultimately when compared with UN Security Council could do with a few a few roads away from Imperial, as it Quitting a degree defi nitely doesn’t show highly selfi sh and I’ll wish that I could go “ more years of university: they introduced happens) has been closed and the British suffi cient dedication to one’s subject. But back to those university days and make the future destruction a resolution in 2008 that ordered Iran to ambassador to Iran is now back in Britain. faced with the huge numbers of people the right choices. When I can see all the perform the impossible task of proving it For lack of a better phrase, this is very, who will die as a result of a war, my plight possible paths in front of me, it’s a terrible of Iranians’ lives? had no nuclear weapons, or face “sanc- very bad. Diplomacy prevents wars, and is negligible. Who cares if I don’t get a feeling to know for certain that I’m going tions”. Obviously Iran could not do this, when diplomacy is removed, war is often “proper job”? Does it matter at all, when to take the wrong one. Who” did that? – A letter to the Editor

Dear Sir, from CEP taking the lift up one fl oor. Level 0 and all toilets empty into the clothes peg Purple Team from FM This letter has not However the recent colder weather space below Level 0 where a large have found at least one source where Since the beginning of this term Mech has led to the closing of windows in tank is situated. The perspicacious vapours from the tanks are escaping been edited in any way. Eng students and staff, who are in ear- the lift halls and the reserved gentle- amongst you will notice that we will and making their way into the lift shaft The views expressed ly enough have boarded the lifts in the folk of the MED have noticed that the need to pump the stewing sewage up to be pumped throughout the building. morning only to be assailed through smells are getting more distinct and and out of the tank into the main sew- The contractors and project manage- are of the author, the nostril by what appears to be last all pervasive, that there is a pattern to ers using the famous sewage injector ment in the form of ISg and Arup are night’s curry chemically processed these smells and it emanates only indi- pumps. fi nally admitting that they may have who wishes to remain through the duodenum to a noxious rectly from the inhabitants. For some Self evidently the collection tank is a some culpability in the smells so don’t anonymous. mixture subsequently evacuated to at- six weeks the College FM (Facilities prime source for these odours especial- think any less of the person next to mosphere. Being gentile and reserved Management) team and concerned cit- ly as it has been modifi ed by the ongo- you in the lift – this is something you If you want to write a most engineers hesitate to confront izens of the MED have been trying to ing project to refurbish the lower lev- or someone else may have done days their immediate colleague for want source the of the smells which arrive els of the Mech Eng Department. The ago. letter, to be published of embarrassing them in public. The with each lift carriage door opening to project and project management have here, email: simultaneous presence of fruit fl ies in together with relevant aphids. At this resourcefully denied all responsibility Regards, the lifts was something unusual but point fi rst year fl uids will be useful for the smells for some six weeks but [email protected] was no more remarkable than a student insofar as the mains sewers are above using the College’s specially designed A shit stirrer 22 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX Comment Editors: Tim Arbabzadah Sam Horti COMMENT [email protected] They are totally boots-iful

’ve been thinking about boots re- may be able to wear them with a certain cently… is the campest opener I colour of jeans you like, but you sacrifi ce could have written, but it’s true. the range of choice that other boots can I’ve thought about how amaz- give you. If something’s black, it needs ing they are, and how everyone to be pretty special to be disguisable Ishould have a pair. I mean trainers are from something else that’s black. Well, fi ne, but they’re just not as versatile. If okay, I may be exaggerating a bit, there is you want trainers, by the way, defi nitely variation, but it’s hard to actually see un- go for NikeiD’s. You can make them til you’re up close. I’ll attempt to explain refl ect your personality a lot more, and what I mean; at the distance between your waste a lot of time perfecting them. The head and someone’s shoes (the usual dis- knowledge that you could quite possibly tance you see boots at) all black boots Tim Arbabzadah 6 7 be the only person with that pair of train- look pretty similar. Even when, for me , ers is also key to their appeal. Even aca- that distance isn’t as far as I would like it demics1 and business leaders2 have been to be.8 If I’m honest, I would advise you known to wear them and think that they to get both black and brown boots. I just bestow large quantities of swagger.3 The don’t want to be blamed for encouraging idea of almost unlimited customisation is irresponsible spending. so good that other companies have stolen When I was shopping around for boots, If it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for me it, and, as we all know, it’s only the best I went everywhere. I even went to the ideas that are stolen.4 It is likely that that high-end shops, although, unfortunately, last joke will be deemed to in-jokey, and my student loan doesn’t really extend have been designed purely for the use of ous conversations with K. Shubber. so I apologise.5 that far9, so I was only looking to see JLS and The Wanted. 6. The link to this reference is missing. So, back to boots. The reason they are what they would be like. To be honest, In conclusion, go to River Island, buy Try searching Google Scholar. amazing is that they are simultaneously they weren’t anything special. They were a pair of boots and wear them with pride. 7. See pictures of me next to other peo- IfIf I’m hhonest, I casual and comfortable while being either bland and uninspiring or just not Having re-read this, I feel I should do ple. smarter than your average trainer. You what I was looking for (at a price I was something manly. So, I’m off to drink 8. Preferably roughly 6ft, due to conver- would aadvise you can wear them everyday, without looking never really willing to pay). In the end, I pints and chant about my credentials as sations with girls over the past few years. overdressed for lectures; unlike normal found that your standard high street shops a Zulu warrior.10 9. See bank balance of T. N. Arbabza- to get both black shoes, which can end up looking incon- really are the best bet. River Island is my dah. gruously formal with certain outfi ts. personal favourite as they have a decent References: 10. Note: This is a reference to chanting and brown boots. To be slightly more specifi c, brown range of boots at a reasonable price tag. 1. Dr M.R. Arbabzadah MA, my brother, performed when someone is downing “ boots are defi nitely a must if you ask All Saints are okay, but they’re all over and noted Classicist (noted here). their drink.11 I just don’t want me (please understand that I am defi - £100 for something you really can get 2. B. L. Arbabzadah MA, my other 11. This note is added for the benefi t of nitely not talking about Ugg boots, I can- elsewhere. Although, being a man, I’m brother. a fashion editor. Let’s call her A. Yang, to be blamed not stress that enough). Pressed to give slightly unsure of how much they should 3. For claims of invention of swagger, no, wait, that’s too obvious, let’s call her more detail, I would say that the slightly be. How do I know what’s a reasonable see Jay-Z and Kanye West in ‘Otis’, Alice Y. for encouraging weathered dark brown variety are my price for something that I’ve never paid Watch the Throne, 2011, Track 4. 12. N.B. Other punny titles that could personal favourite. for before? The only solution seems to 4. Much like this referencing in a Com- have been used: Call me Bootsie Col- irresponsiblee Black boots are fi ne and can be worn be to shop around. Eventually, you will ment article joke. See K. Shubber, Felix, lins, What am I talking a-boot (I’m not with any pair of jeans, but they’re just realise that, in general, All Saints are a Issue 1,426, Friday 27 February 2009, Canadian, so that may not really have spending. more discrete and there’s not as much rip off, and this isn’t limited to their boot p.7 worked as well), Putting the boots in, variation between different pairs. You section. Their boots also look as if they 5. General feeling gathered from previ- Knocking boots. Ashura:” A lesson from Islam’s history

nstinctively, we all admire the apple of his eye, he was a prominent and being killed, Hussein remained defi ant martyr dies and his rule begins.” ‘good’ things in humankind – cherished fi gure amongst early Muslims. in his stance and famously said – ‘Death The Battle of Karbala, in statistical compassion, honesty and justice. Yet, Hussein and his family were massa- with dignity is better than life with hu- terms, was hardly signifi cant, but the Our free will to actively pursue cred in cold blood, on the day of Ashura, miliation.’ story of Hussein’s sacrifi ce has inspired such attributes through our ac- on the orders of, ironically enough, the In the year 680AD, Hussein, his fami- people for centuries. Hussein’s message Itions is arguably what gives us our worth Muslim Caliph of the time, Yazid I. ly, and 72 of his companions found them- is universal and ever-resonate, because as human beings. But have you ever Why? Yazid was a tyrannical leader. selves stranded on the desolate plains it embodies liberation and renounces considered the lengths you go to in or- He was known to rape, imprison and of Karbala (in modern day Iraq). They injustice. Mahatma Gandhi once said – der to stand by what you believe is right? steal; he was swift to silence those who were surrounded by Yazid’s army of at ‘I learned from Hussein how to achieve Would you die for the sake of freedom? dared question his legitimacy as Caliph. least 5000 men, who had their water sup- victory whilst being oppressed.’ To- Malcolm X once said: ‘If you’re not Through propaganda and fear-monger- ply, the Euphrates River, cut-off. On the day, several million people converge ready to die for it, take the word ‘free- ing, he was able to assume power, and Caliph’s orders, a brief battle of several at Karbala to commemorate the day of Ahlul-Bayt Society dom’ out of your vocabulary.’ many people felt there was no choice but hours commenced, ending in the killing Ashura. Undeterred by the very real One remarkable man has touched the to accept him as leader. Hussein, on the of Hussein, and all the men in his camp. threat of violence and terror, they come lives of many, including Charles Dick- other hand, was a man who believed in The remaining women and children were to relive and replay the message of a very ens, Gandhi and Antoine Bara. Hus- dignity and freedom; he refused to pay taken as prisoners of war. Yet amongst distinct, free human being. sein! Born in 5th century Arabia, he allegiance to Yazid, a person who had all this carnage and destruction, a revo- was known for his tremendous generos- little respect for his fellow man. Despite lution had ignited. The words of Søren Imperial’s Ahlul-Bayt Islamic society is ity and kindness. Being the grandson of the oppressive pressure mounted against Kierkegaard could not be more relevant: holding its annual Ashura Awareness the Prophet Mohammed (pbuh), and the him and the almost certain promise of “The tyrant dies and his rule is over; the Week from the 12th – 17th December. FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 23

One of my little helpers told me that the views expressed here are the opinions of the authors, not Felix. COMMENT Ent committee elections? What a joke!

id you know that vot- inations and voting can be performed, ing for First Year Enter- but this isn’t really good enough. tainments Committee Many people probably do not read Members opened last these emails (I certainly glanced over week? Nope, me nei- this one, though that was because my Dther – until it was pointed out to me. In inbox was a mess at the time), there- fact, for that matter, I never knew that fore leaving them completely ignorant you could stand for it! and locked out of the democratic pro- Imperial’s Union is a very demo- cess. cratic affair, and this is a good thing Now, let’s say you did know about (though it is possible to have too much the election, and you logged on to Philip Kent democracy, I may return to this in the vote. You may not have seen any cam- future); it allows us, the students, to paigning (I gather this is because the decide how our Union is run. Which candidates were not told when they is important, considering we are the were allowed to), so you have to turn ones who will use the services that the to the manifestos (something that you Union provides, and therefore it is in really should be doing anyway). If you their interest to tailor it to our interests did, you would’ve seen a complete so that we actually give them money. lack of photos and manifestos. I’m not A portrayal of how exciting being elected on the ents committee is The thing is, if this election (which is entirely sure whether this is the candi- an excellent idea, in my opinion) is to date’s or the Union’s fault, but either be of any worth, you actually need to way, it is not helpful – and does not gree, you may be right. As a person and if I am running late I don’t really promote the damn thing. allow me to make an informed choice. who really doesn’t like clubbing (or want to pay for the privilege of getting Let’s take a look at the Union’s Luckily I spoke to a few of the can- alcohol), the work of this committee into the place where I can have a drink website. There is no mention of the didates, and actually found one who is going to make very little difference with my fellow Felixians. One of the election. Doing a search for the ‘ents had good plans for entertainment at to my life here at Imperial. However, I section editors also mentioned that he committee’ does bring up some ar- ICU; therefore, I was able to cast my remain a principled man, and I refuse had to pay to get in to the ofﬁ ce on TheThe thithingn is, if this ticles, but they only say that elections vote. However, not everyone would to believe that this disaster doesn’t Wednesday to put together his pages, for the ﬁ rst year will only occur in have had this opportunity, leading to have any chance of being replicated which is an even more serious problem election...election is to be the autumn. There is also the Union’s people making either uninformed de- in a more important election in the fu- than my inability to get a drink. elections page, which hasn’t been up- cisions, or just choosing not to vote (or ture, such as for faculty union repre- It is a ridiculous charge. I can under- of any worth, you dated since the year rep and council voting RON) because they were not sentatives – or God forbid, future sab- stand charging for entry into Metric, elections earlier this year. It will be a provided with the right information. baticals. ICU, please sort it out. since you’re under no obligation to actually need to miracle if people actually knew that All this does is ruins the democratic On a related note, if any of the peo- buy anything when you go clubbing, voting was open. process that usually serves the Union ple standing had planned to campaign but if you are going to FiveSixEight, promote the damn Maybe I am being too harsh. Taking so well. against entry charges for the Union on you are pretty much guaranteed to buy a quick look at my emails does show You may argue that this is just the Fridays, they would have instantly got some food or drink! thing. an email from the President dated No- Entertainments Committee, and there- my vote. As you may or may not know, Please get rid of it, and both Com- vember 23, which does say when nom- fore it doesn’t matter. To a certain de- it’s Felix Drinks on a Friday evening, mon Sense and I will be pleased. Stuff” your job, mate

think I’m like most students head- if I’m honest English still presents a at least not for someone like me. Crucial- seem to be well on their way to being ing into their last year of college. problem, but even so, a trip to the far end ly, I’ll still be able to knock back beers organised. Although I am probably a bit I like my student life and the of the world sounds like a well thought with people who speak in a way that’s ahead of myself, which is a nice new thought of giving it up in place of out plan to me. I’m dying to take a few conceivable to me, but they also have a change, it’s hard not to get a little excited. a serious job is enough to make months in Africa’s deep jungle or Austra- compliant visa policy, good standards of All I that is left right now is to fi nd some- meI want to repeat. Truth be told I’m a lia’s precarious outback, but when I delve living and probably best of all, some of body else eager to try something similar little terrifi ed of stepping out into this big, into the nitty-gritty most of what Google the best ski resorts in the world. to ensure I’ll not spend my nights eating bad world and experiencing life without a comes back with informs me that I’ve Yes, skiing may be somewhat of a mys- dinner alone. midweek party. Unfortunately for me, it just become an unsuspecting millionaire. tery to me but it’s not going to dampen The trouble is that it’s easier said than seems the lunge is coming fast and I still Luckily there are some fl owers in the my spirits. I can still get a decent wage as done as most people I know have been lack that elusive spot of maturity which muck, and I did fi nd an organisation that a barman, and live in a fl at that won’t eat swept up in the whirlwind frenzy for David Bowe might actually make me in some way could help me with my traveling troubles. into my student loan as much as a park- grad jobs. Honestly, I think this kind of employable. When I browsed what they have to offer, ing permit here in London. Ski resorts thing should be made more apparent for However, all is not lost because my things started to look a whole lot brighter are full of young people looking to take those of us clinging to our last days at plan is simple. I’m still young with little and ideas I would never have considered advantage of the seasonal work, and if the student union. It’s all too easy to get concern and plenty of unquestioning, ill began to play in my mind. you’ve ever heard from anybody who’s caught up in Imperial’s endless battle to It’sIt’s aallll ttootoo easy to directed enthusiasm. Even though I’ve While I began with wild dreams of re- spent time in these places you’ll fi nd their get ahead but employers recognise these had the responsibility of my own passport mote locations unknown to man, I have banter isn’t bad either. diffi cult times and showing some inde- get caugcaught up in for several years now, the inner pages still been charmed into a more civilized ap- The organisation that I’m going with pendence like this will never be frowned sit idly blank and the most action it’s seen proach to travel; somewhere a little more (BUNAC, if your interested), seem really upon. Personally, I would advise anyone Imperial’s endless is during a lads holiday to Majorca two accommodating, namely Canada. I know helpful and look like they’re able to sort in two minds, or struggling with assess- years ago. So at this point, I think there is what you’re thinking. It’s a far cry from out most of what I need. In all honesty, I ment centres, to just go out a do it before battle to get ahead... only one reasonable conclusion. my fi rst speculative ambitions, but the haven’t had to do much apart from send work inevitably takes us over. You’ll “ ” Now I’m no master of languages and fact is there are not many places better, an email or two so far and things already never have a better opportunity than now. 24 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX Comment Editors: Sam Horti Tim Arbabzadah COMMENT [email protected] Christmas gift ideas from Comment I hate Christmas

The Hell of it All by Charlie Lizzy Griffiths Brooker t’s about that time of year again. Bloody Christmas time. You’re probably reading this right now with the most ap- palled look on your face. I sug- gestI you remove it before someone notices. ‘But why? Why do you hate Christmas?’ You must be asking. Well let me tell you. Because its frickin’ irritating. Irritating as hell. Where do I even start? Well let’s Some people may think that Anonymous Grinch begin with the obvious: Christmas Charlie Brooker has gone ‘com- isn’t even real. What is Christmas ercial’ and ‘sold out’ recently. exactly? It’s a celebration of Jesus’ However, his earlier work, col- birthday, the Son of God and our lected here in this book, is a saviour (as people believe). Here’s a perfect example of how to news flash for you: Jesus wasn’t born write a comment article that is on December the 25th. He was actu- funny and gets his point across ally born somewhere in the spring- effectively. Usually, he has a time. The day everyone is really cel- serious point that he wants ebrating is actually a Pagan holiday He hates Christmas, I hate writing witty captions to please the masses to make. He ensures that it is that Christians chose to replace with humorous (or sweary) enough Christmas, as it was easier to choose a to make you want to read all day that everyone already celebrated When someone smiles and wishes me the way to the end. He also when Christianity was just starting. a Merry Christmas it feels so fake I ...‘post-Christmas...‘pos...‘postt tends to use well reasoned ar- Weirdest thing? Loads of Christians practically want to slap the smile guments that don’t hinge on a already know this! They accept that off their face. Also, don’t start look- depresdepression’ that pre-decided viewpoint that he Jesus wasn’t actually born in winter ing forward to Christmas in October. just wants to justify. but say it’s still a good reason to cel- What is that about? You’ve got two everyone goes into Felix equivalent to file with: ebrate God or something. This defeats months! At least allow Halloween to Angry Geek the original purpose about Jesus be- pass. But that’s not even the worse once Christmas is ing born or whatever… but okay. So part. It’s the stupid ‘post-Christmas “ Christmas isn’t actually Christmas, depression’ that everyone goes into over. What the hell Awkward Situations for Men it’s Pagan-mas. But I guess that’s not once Christmas is over. What the hell and More Awkward Situations as catchy. is wrong with you? It’s just one day is wrong withtthh youyou?? for Men by Danny Wallace And so what if Jesus wasn’t born of the year! I don’t get depressed after on Christmas? Most people who cele- my birthday (apart from when I cry brate Christmas nowadays don’t even over how old I’m getting). It’s under- believe in Jesus. It’s a known fact that standable if you feel a bit down after ful and they make people happy. I can Church attendance is falling every summer but that’s because university/ agree that Christmas dinner is special year. How many people go to Church work is starting. But you shouldn’t get and damn well delicious (I bet the on Christmas anymore? I don’t re- depressed because Christmas is over; poor turkeys wouldn’t” agree though). ally care. And neither do you, because there’s nothing you can do about it. And the Christmas drinks they do at more likely than not, you probably Get over it and get on with your life Starbucks are awesome (especially the don’t go to Church on Christmas. So please. Thanks. Eggnog Latte). The main point is that if you aren’t celebrating God or Jesus Christmas songs. I want to rip more Christmas is a good way to bring fam- Danny Wallace is the King of or anything else of a religious nature than just my hair out when I hear one, ily together. There are very few times light humour, if you ask me. then what are you celebrating? Oh I want to rip my whole frickin’ skull in the year when all the family get The books are split into sep- that’s right, consumerism! The most out. If that isn’t false cheer I don’t together and just well… spend time arate little stories; many of celebrated part of Christmas is pres- know what is. Throw in some stupid together. The fact that you need one them will make you laugh out ents. We’d like to think of ourselves as shallow competition for the ‘Christ- day in a year to bring all the family to- loud. They are both a thor- deep and moral people, but the truth is mas No. 1’ and have 20 different gether is a different problem in itself, oughly enjoyable read and are that we bloody love stuff. Christmas songs released in the same week about but at least it can be counted as Christ- a perfect example of writing a promotes materialism. Children come mistletoe and shit and I’m just about mas’ redeeming quality. It makes it fun, irreverent column that is It’sIt’s jjustjusus a time running down the stairs on Christmas ready to smash my radio in. Christ- very depressing for those who spend very readable. Put it in Felix morning to open presents and stock- mas loses a lot of sentimental mean- Christmas alone, but for those of you and it would be the perfect of the year. I’m ings. I mean, what would Christmas ing and value when you have so many that are lucky enough to spend it with way to cheer someone up on a be without presents? Face it; it’d be cheesy songs about it. It’s a quick way family: good for you. Just remember dreary Friday morning. not going to get really boring. What else would have for celebrities to make a lot of money. that it isn’t always about the presents, With the January exams com- you running down those stairs? A tree? In fact, Christmas in itself is one big cards, trees or decorations. So if you ing up (sorry for reminding you randomly cheery Let’s not go into how environmentally money making machine. Card compa- don’t get the present you wanted this about them), you don’t exactly “ unfriendly Christmas is in regards to nies must love it. And obviously with Christmas, or your tree isn’t as big as want to be reading War and just because it’s a trees – that’s obvious enough. the aforementioned present buying, you wanted it to be, then just take a Peace do you now? Dare I even mention ‘Christmas retailers must be raking it in. Also, moment to shut the fuck up and stop Felix equivalent to file with: Tuesday afternoon cheer’? Yes, because it’s insanely in- what is with shops being open on complaining. Christmas is primarily Rhys Davies furiating. Everyone gets ‘merry’ and Christmas nowadays? Who on earth is meant to be about all that sentimental or because Jupiter ‘joyful’ around Christmas, simply be- going to go to McDonald’s on Christ- stuff (or the religious stuff if you’re Merry Christmas from cause it’s Christmas time. Seriously? mas day? A very lonely person, that’s religious). Having said that, Christ- Comment and an has aligned with It’s just a time of the year. I’m not who. mas still annoys the shit out of me. opinionated New Year! going to get randomly cheery just be- But I’m not going to deny that Or maybe I just hate the way society Mars. cause it’s a Tuesday afternoon or be- Christmas does have some good perceives Christmas. Or maybe I just ” cause Jupiter has aligned with Mars. points. I mean the lights are beauti- hate society. Who knows? FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 25 COMMENT What are the lights for?

Lizzy Griffiths nless you’ve been glued ine; something that even the richest to your library desk, person couldn’t afford to give, which you’ve probably seen would never wear out and you’d never the rows of fl uorescent get tired of. Is that what Christmas is bulbs hanging over the all about – presents that knock those streetsU of London and thought, “is it new holly adorned socks off your feet? that time of year already?” Sure, they We all know Christmas isn’t really light up the street a little more, and about presents. It’s about spending let’s face it, we need that at a time time with your family: the people who of year when it gets dark at 4pm, but give you full acceptance the moment there must be more to it than that, you walk in the door, as if you were Guy Schofield right? never away. It’s about catching up What if they signify something with all that’s been going on, with ev- that lights up more than just the high erything you’ve missed on your fam- street? Could they represent a light ily Skype sessions and those calls you that illuminates a whole city, country, got from your parents while you were or even the whole world? Could they in Sainsbury’s. But that is hardly akin even be an image of a light that illu- to the fi rst Christmas now is it? I mean minates the whole of our existence – they didn’t have Skype 2000 years Yeah, he thinks he has a lot of work around this time of year. Slacker past, present and future? It sounds cra- ago, in a time when people barely zy, I know. Maybe Macbeth was right: left their home town, there was never “out, out, brief candle! Life is a tale, much catching up to do with family. Christians understood it was because his gift we are adopted into his family told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Hang on a second. Maybe Christmas “He is not ashamed to call them broth- and become his children. I think it’s signifying nothing?” What I’m hinting really is about our catching up with ers. Since the children have fl esh and time to really get to know the God that at is a promise made before the begin- family, and awesome presents and blood, he too shared in their human- gives us the ultimate gift, to catch up ning of time, with implications that bright lights, which illuminate our ity so that by his death he might break with He who has broken into history. I think it’s time to run further into the future than even a existence. That could be what the fi rst the power of him who holds the power That is what I shall be thinking about PhD physicist can imagine; a promise Christmas was all about. of death – that is, the devil”. I think as I look up to those lights strung really get g to know brought to light that fi rst Christmas. Imagine Macbeth going up into his that is the present. The end of death it- across London; as I give and receive That fi rst Christmas was nothing Attic to fi nd his Author. Where would self. How can we do anything but live gifts and as I catch up with my family the God that gives like ours. Most of us shell out our Macbeth fi nd the light which makes when death has lost its power? So we back home. The last verse of the carol student loans to buy people gifts that sense of his whole story – brief can- have life. Forever. Once in Royal David’s City sums it up us the ultimate they probably don’t want – I know I do dles, murdering wives and all? But I think that changes things, that perfectly: anyway. We all end up having to fake what if Shakespeare wrote himself sheds some real light, not just on gift, to catch up that look of surprise and awe when we into his own story, and stepped onto Christmas, but on where all our lives And our eyes at last shall see Him, receive presents that don’t turn out to the stage in his own play? Just imag- are heading. But you know what I love Through His own redeeming love; with He who has be that iPad 2 we wanted so badly. But ine for a moment that the child that more than a good present? The person For that Child so dear and gentle, what if we got something much better was born, Jesus, was also God him- who gives it. God has come to earth Is our Lord in heaven above: broken into history. for Christmas? Something worth im- self writing himself into history. Why so that we can really know him; the And He leads His children on, measurably more than we can imag- would God do that? The fi rst Hebrew bible even says that when we accept To the place where He is gone. There’s” something about Christmas

he entire fi nal quarter of hymns that no one lets you sing at any sing carols to it. There is absolutely nothing magical the year snowballs to- other time of the year – much like any- We take random chemical signals about Christmas, except the magic that wards the 25th of Decem- thing by ABBA really. The only dif- from a world malevolent to our exis- we decide it has. The fact that there ber with the unstoppable ference between braving the heaving tence and somehow try to make sense is a time of the year that we have set momentum of an ava- masses at this time of the year com- of things. The revolution of the Earth aside to come together and share our lancheT on a skateboard. Even by No- pared to any other is that we have a around the Sun is a thing of beauty. silly traditions is a little bit special. vember, the excitement runs at fever strangely increased tolerance for it. Watching some overgrown boys kick a I think people get fooled by Christ- pitch levels. In fact, there is a spike in There is nothing special about any ball about sweeps people away on the mas. They think that Christmas is all A&E admissions that coincides with of these things. There is no magic to wings of passion. Despite having no about gorging yourself on turkey and the fi rst screening of the Coca Cola ad- Christmas. It is all utterly meaning- reason for it, I am rather keen to pre- other middle eastern states/fowl, ice- vert. Even after seeing it for so many less. Much like the sum of all human serve my life and deprive that leopard skating at the Natural History Museum Rhys Davies years previously, I had to have a lie experience. Ugh, how grim. I feel like outside my window of his next meal. and sledding down the hill on the fi rst down with a stiff drink afterwards. I’m in a Frank Capra movie. The fact that we can enjoy life de- snow of the season. These all mean There are so many things that If there’s anything special about spite its meaningless makes us rather nothing. They think that is where the make Christmas… Christmas. Mince Christmas, it’s people. Oh, I know curious creatures. It is us who say that magic is but it is just a ruse for people pies and mulled wine, carol singing, there are people all year round – in mince pies and mulled wine are spe- to get together: to share close commu- Christmas shopping and all the events London I can’t seem to escape them. cial and can only be consumed at this nion and fellowship. That is where the that follow: all little quirks and tradi- But the way people act at Christmas time of year. It is us that enjoy carols. real magic is. tions that make this time of the year so is interesting to say the least. In this It is us who, if not enjoy, then suffer There’s something about Christmas, special, so magical. wintry season, the evidence is great- through Christmas shopping so we isn’t there? Somehow in the coldest of Except they don’t. A mince pie is est that we are living in a cold and, at can bring joy to the people in our lives weathers, we can share with one an- nothing more than pastry, fruit and best, uncaring Universe. Yet, instead who we have decided are so important other the warmest of hearts. brandy. Carols are just songs and of rallying against the darkness, we to us. Merry Christmas, one and all! 26 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX Arts Editors: Eva Rosenthal Will Prince ARTS [email protected] The Poet’s Column Howard you do? Christmas Time by Pavitar Devgon George Howard turns a critical eye towards himself as A single soft snowfl ake falling he reviews The Seven Lessons of George Howard On this cold December morning Beckoning the ice and sleet Envelops the land in a bright white sheet

Staring through the window pane Wishing I were nine again To feel the excited glee Of Christmas time with family

Green tree lit with lights and tinsel Mistletoe hung from every lintel Warm mince pies and chestnuts’ scent Laughing at our woollen sock present

Snowball ﬁ ghts, snow hill sleighing Snowman building, snow time playing Cold at the ﬁ ngertips, buzzing warmth within Spending time with friends and kin

Contented sighs and hearth fi re dries Stockings hung with bright red ties George Howard (left) reviews George Howard (right), but not George Howard, the late jazz saxophonist (centre). Confused yet? Holiday time and no work to do The voyage home and the warming stew t was with great surprise, even per- progress’. Put on a with a small budget at a the popularity it once had. The main prob- Heated rooms and songs asinging haps shock, that I opened an email cosy theatre in Islington, it would be easy lem is, I feel, not to do with the quality of Christmas crackers and bells aringing from the Editor a couple of weeks for your average theatre buff to turn their shows (although this is defi nitely important!). Excited chatter and mindless natter ago inviting me to review this play. It nose up and resort to a more established lo- In fact I believe that nowadays mainstream Growing ever so slightly fatter was not only the fact that I was being cation and work. Yet it was these very char- Hollywood movies and the like (with scripts Iasked to write again for this paper (my pre- acteristics – the intimate, ‘in the round’ set that even the dullards of Made in Chelsea can Smiling because we love it so vious comment articles were met by some and the emphasis on dialogue and character understand) have rendered the art of theatre The wonderful white winter snow misguided opposition) but that the show rather than on flashy technical gimmicks – comparatively too inaccessible to the com- Dreaming of this, memories fl ow itself was so aptly named. Now to all you that worked in the show’s favor. Through mon person; the appeal of a night out at the And all because of the calling doubters out there: no, there has not been a this unique setting, the audience was drawn theatre is simply too intellectually strenuous Of a single soft snowfl ake falling. typo in the subheading. The Seven Lessons into the thoughts and motives of George and to be seriously contemplated. Why would of George Howard was indeed a genuine Agnieska; how they evolved throughout the anybody delve into the complexities of Beck- piece of fringe theatre. Unfortunately, this play. As the story unfolded, questions as to ett’s Waiting for Godot when they could so was not a play in homage to my life thus far, the motives behind making theatre itself easily have their desire for entertainment sa- Doodle of the Week though it most certainly came close to being were highlighted and misunderstandings of tiated by the latest installment of Desperate equally thought provoking and stimulating. various viewpoints were explored. Housewives. Seven Lessons follows the relationship The solution to this lies, in my opinion, between George, a once-famous theatre not with the dumbing down of theatre (how director turned teacher, and a new student, “the intimate, ‘in the would all those pretentious, alternative, artsy Agnieska, who has never acted before. people with their silly jeans and headwear get Agnieska brings with her a play she has round’ set worked in the their air of superiority otherwise) but instead written and persuades George to use it as with the opening up of plays to more audience the focus of their classes. Her motives are show’s favour” interaction. For example, at the end of Seven unclear from the start, but as the play pro- Lessons, the audience was invited to have gresses the audience sees both teacher and drinks with the cast to give instant feedback student adapt to their characters within the Whilst Seven Lessons was a very enjoyable on the show. How better to get enthused about play, and develop their own personal mo- evening’s entertainment, it was a far cry from a play than by interacting with the company tivations. the fl awless shows you would expect to see afterwards? It’s like backstage passes for ev- I attended the world premiere of this show, at more established venues such as the Na- erybody! by the relatively unknown playwright Chris tional Theatre. Whilst I don’t feel this should Not only was Seven Lessons an entertain- Johnston, and was billed as still ‘a work in be held against it, it was clear that the script ing production, but also a perfect example of was still early in its conception and certain how theatre is adapting to the modern enter- dialogues were in need of something of a lift. tainment scene. Fringe theatre will always re- “this was not a On top of that, there were some interesting tain that sense of alternativeness that appeals scenes (including a rather surreal on-stage to some, but is defi nitely adapting to a wider We proudly present the fi rst winner of play in homage to sex scene) that could probably have done with audience. I would urge you to therefore, per- Doodle of the Week With a Prize! some polishing. Notwithstanding this though, haps once a month, abandon your widescreen

my life thus far – the fi nal product was defi nitely captivating TV and M&S Dine in for Two deal and ex- Katie Harris is now the proud owner and although not a comedy, had enough one- perience what London’s theatre scene has to of The Coffee Table Book of Doom but it came close liners and innuendo to keep the audience in offer. Give it a chance; you might just learn for her excellent rendition of the good spirits. something! state of our brains at this stage in to being equally Seeing this show performed on such a small the term. budget and scale did indeed evoke certain The Seven Lessons of George Howard at stimulating” questions as to why theatre has lost a lot of the Pleasance Theatre has since fi nished FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 27 ARTS Sexagenarian eager beavers A Round-Heeled Woman: as cringeworthy as a Christmas dinner gone wrong

Laura Johnston lot of lube). It is, however, undeniably laugh-out-loud funny; I suffered from The auditorium dims, the stage lights childish giggles or spurts of hysterical go up, and I’m faced with a sixty-six- surprise as line after line of explicit year-old woman lying on a bed, mas- dialogue is exchanged. turbating to phone sex. On the other hand, the second half It is safe to say I didn’t know what I is a complete contrast as the story was getting myself into when I agreed digs deeper into the life that Jane has to review A Round-Heeled Woman and lived up to the point of posting the ad. I admit, I’m still a bit shell-shocked. It addresses the issues she’s struggled The play is based on the true story of with: her unplanned pregnancy, failed Jane, a woman so bored after her thirty marriage, disapproving mother and es- years of celibacy, that she publishes an tranged son whom she hasn’t seen for ad in the classifi ed section of The New eighteen years. It gets more emotional York Review of Books: “Before I turn as relationships founded through the 67 – next March – I would like to have ad cause heartbreak and rejection, and a lot of sex with a man I like. If you the audience start to sympathise with want to talk fi rst, Trollope works for Jane’s uncouth character. me”. The show follows the antics that develop from the sixty odd replies she Sexy at sixty-seven receives from men aged 32-82. “‘Before I turn 67 I The fi rst half is all about the sex; I found myself watching most of it would like to have fortune and suddenly found herself plays Jane, is absolutely exceptional; like it. It’s certainly not one to watch through my fi ngers, cringing at every receiving an infl ux of marriage pro- she’s witty and charming, and her with your mum... or worse, your dad. line as a group of mature women chat lots of sex with a posals. Unfortunately I am completely portrayal of a female orgasm was par- It wouldn’t be great on a fi rst date for about blowjobs, sucking on clits and ignorant of Trollope’s 19th century ticularly convincing. She even strips that matter and I felt like I brought the the feeling of being fi lled by a penis. man I Iike’” novels and therefore a lot of the ref- down to her underwear in one scene. average age of the audience down by Don’t get me wrong, I love Sex and erences made in the play were lost on The onstage set is well thought out and about 40 years. Nevertheless, it was the City as much as the next girl but me. That being said, the constant ap- compliments every scene. an oustandingly great escape from my toes are still uncurling from the Throughout the play, parallels are pearance of Miss MacKenzie’s ghost So would I recomend it? I person- College life, even for the wrong rea- memory of the onstage conversation drawn between Jane’s relationship was an interesting addition to an al- ally don’t know anyone who would sons. about the challenges that being sexu- faux pas and that of Trollope’s famous ready complex plot. enjoy it, so I probably wouldn’t send ally active aged over 60 presents (cue character Miss MacKenzie, an unat- The storytelling is engaging through- someone in my group of friends. Of A Round Heeled Woman at the Al- erectile dysfunction and the need for a tractive spinster who inherited a small out, and the sexy Sharon Gless, who course, that’s not to say no one will dwych Theatre – limited run only Trauma on Chiltern Street

Rocío Molina Atienza history behind the piece, the anguish ac- change when viewed from different quires a new dimension as it is lit by the angles, to give an interpretation of the Trauma GV Art’s new science-inspired personal struggles of the artist. electrical outburst in the brain that oc- exhibition revolves around the different In spite of the exhibition’s gloomy curs during an epileptic seizure, all manifestations of trauma. The exhibi- title, it is unlikely the viewer will leave based on her own personal experiences. tion explores physical and biological with a bleeding heart, but rather with This series of three prints presents fi ery trauma, revealing the effect they have an enchanting feeling of fascination lines, smoothed by a white cloud as the on those who suffer from them and in- evoked by the hypnotising artwork, es- viewer moves across them, invoking the vestigating our own personal perception pecially Luke Jerram’s glass sculptures mental image of a bright explosion. of them. or Susane Aldworth’s lenticular prints. For anyone interested in the encounter Science-inspired art goes beyond Luke Jerram’s glass sculptures mag- between the Arts and Sciences this is a merely ripping off striking images of a nify what is hidden to the human eye, must-see exhibition. However, I would scientifi c nature. It takes the knowledge revealing the beauty encapsulated in the defi nitely recommend it to anyone who, beyond the lab and the blackboard, be- perfect lethal geometry of a virus. The as a scientist, is interested in a novel yond the books, opening it up to be in- choice of clear glass as a medium strips take on his or her subject. With its un- terpreted, to be put to measure with the his work of the distractions of colour usual collection of pieces, it certainly human lives it affects. and creates a mesmerising eye-catching does provide food for thought. As a fi - Despite the diversity of materials and gleam. Upon further refl ection the view- nal note, it is worthwhile to refl ect on styles, the inner story of Trauma subtly er is drawn to consider how viruses such whether, in our highly technifi ed twen- weaves all the pieces together. Trauma as HIV or malaria have scarred the lives ty-fi rst century society, science-inspired itself is apparent in the violence and ex- of thousands of individuals; viruses are art will become what pop-art was to the pressivity of the pieces, such as Andrew a constant menace on human life, with consumerism-based sixties. Krasnow’s Hollow Muscle that presents new breeds presenting daunting chal- a sculpture made out of thick leathery lenges for health specialists. Trauma at GV Art, 49 Chiltern Street strips contorted to form a heart out of Susan Aldworth uses lenticular print- London W1U 6LY – December 1 human skin. However, upon reading the ing, a technique that allows images to 2011 to February 18 2012 Luke Jerram, T4 Bascteriophage, Glass Bringi

Get ready for next year! Email [email protected] ng you an alternative Christmas

c.uk if you want to be right where these guys are! 30 Friday 09 December 2011 FELIX Music Editors: Íñigo Martínez de Rituerto Stephen Smith MUSIC [email protected] Kadhim’s totally hot album of the week Funk’s not dead

Vondelpark Douglas Heaven ends his trip around a Punk Planet NYC Stuff and NYC Bags EP ost people probably R&S Records wouldn’t point to San Pedro, California, as a birthplace 2011 of punk, but they might as well. Punk isn’t Green Day Mand Blink-182, punk isn’t green hair and safety pins. Punk is an attitude and it can take any form you like. For Minutemen, that form was And so this is Christmas. The season of merri- 2-minute bursts of jazzy, bombastic R&B, but ment, mulled wine, and all-too-predictable disap- in their attitude to playing – to recording, to pointment. You were probably expecting the al- touring, to what it meant to be in a band – Min- bum of the week, given that it is the season of utemen were the epitome of punk. cheer, to be Michael Bublé’s Christmas; if so, I’m Minutemen (1980-1985) was a three-piece sorry to disappoint. You may have expected it to in which bass player Mike Watt’s sound – his Minute as in small, not as in time be The Black Keys’ latest release El Camino; if “low fl ow” – was as prominent as the bright so not only am I sorry to disappoint, but I’m also guitar playing of his childhood friend D Boon. extremely disappointed myself – the album is a Their early output eschewed choruses and gui- the songs and recording them in as few takes as 1994). With Crawford on guitar, fIREHOSE bit of a dud. Given the overwhelming ubiquity of tar solos – what they deemed commercialisms possible, playing them in the order they want- fl ew the DIY fl ag for almost another decade, disappointment, I thought it better to simply em- of rock music – and stuck to the short, sharp ed them to appear on the record to avoid the but Watt also contributed to the Sonic Youth brace it. To welcome the ennui, loneliness, and shocks typical of hardcore punk. Armed with costs of editing. They drove themselves around albums EVOL (1986) and Daydream Nation introspection that accompanies the monotonous such material, they played their fi rst show to shows they’d set up themselves and they (1988) and played with The Stooges. These sounds of Christmas – Jesus Christ, Leona Lewis, opening for Black Flag. However, though the preached what they practised. There’s a book days Watt is a punk statesman, driving himself you’ve been bleeding for almost four years now, song-writing changed, embracing not only about the 80s US punk scene called Our Band around in a van, playing his “boom-stick” in a die already! choruses and guitar solos but jazz licks and a Could Be Your Life and the title’s taken from grab-bag of side projects, telling everyone he Hence, Vondelpark. This Surrey/London trio little of Captain Beefheart’s avant-blues, the the fi rst line of a Minutemen song. It’s a state- meets to start a band. And you should. have crafted a solemn and secretive sound that commitment to anti-commercialism would de- ment that simply and inclusively says, ‘you can gives little away. I’m pretty sure they’re feeling low fi ne the band. do this too’. That’s the punk ethos. This is the fi nal instalment of Punk Plan- and nostalgic, but I’ve no idea what about – al- For Minutemen, a band wasn’t a get-rich Minutemen ended when Boon was killed in a et, Douglas Heaven’s globetrotting quest though I’d guess from their sublime opener ‘TV’ scheme or a path to glory, it was a way of life. road accident. It took Sonic Youth to pull Watt for punk, passing through Italy, Sweden, they’re sad that Community has left our screens. They kept their day jobs and they jammed “eco- out of his depression and Minutemen fan Ed France, China, New Zealand, Argentina If you’re going through a breakup, or agonizing no”: they rented studio time during off-peak Crawford to pester Watt and Minutemen drum- and fi nally California. Remember the trip over an un-requited love, I advise you to steer well hours, they used second-hand tape, rehearsing mer George Hurley to form fIREHOSE (1986- online at felixonline.co.uk clear; their cracked, sensitive beats are ripe for recording and amplifying your emotions. I’d fi le them next to Baths, or Balam Acab. I’d probably also fi le them in the BBC’s Sound of 2012, but obviously the BBC disagree. December is the time for putting albums in lists and ‘predicting’ next year’s trends. None is more controversial A tearful Obituary than the BBC’s Sound of Whatever-Year-Is-Next. This time around, alongside the brilliant Azealia Gareth Campbell Banks, the violent-but-talented A$AP Rocky, and Frank Ocean, they’ve chosen destroyer-of-all-that- Formed in 2003, Pure Reason Revolution have is-good Skrillex: a man who looks and sounds like since released three albums, supported bands he’s from a dystopian future where Putin and Lady such as Mew, Placebo, and Porcupine Tree and Gaga terrorise the Earth in a brutal transvestite, have received critical acclaim. However they brostep tyranny. have only ever attracted a small cult following, But I shouldn’t complain. It’s Christmas after all. so this gig marks the end of 8 years of what gui- It’s not a time to hate… it’s a time to feel bitter tarist, Jamie Willcox, described after as “a labour and depressed. Enjoy Vondelpark. of love”. Maybe the mix of new progressive rock and electro is too much for the general public. Don’t forget to write to Santa by going to emailsan- As this was their fi nal gig, they decided to ta.com. If he doesn’t reply and you’re feeling down leave us with a two hour concert consisting of on Christmas Day, tweet me @kadhimshubber with their fi rst, and arguably their best, album The the hashtag #SantaDoesntExist. Dark Third, played back to back in its original form. This suffered from a lack of a fi fth member who left the band whilst touring in 2006: as The band thought it was time to take an indefi nitely extended nap a quartet they unfortunately had no choice but to Be sure not to miss... use extensive backing tracks for this fi nal rendition. But it is more than made up for by the a cheery group, they were understandably in a incorporates both rock and electronica. Ghédalia Tazartès: Häxan three-part vocal harmonies which are what set sombre mood and found it hard to break a smile I fi rst saw Pure Reason Revolution in early Cafe Oto this band apart from most other bands trying to throughout the show. They were close to tears 2007 and they have progressed a lot both in their Sunday 11 December resurrect prog rock. after the last song. recorded and live work. I have since seen them The second half was a meant to evoke a party Support was provided by Losers, fronted by fi ve times and every time they are more than hap- Drop in (and out) for surrealist throat contortions mood with a focus on their more upbeat electro Tom Bellamy of The Temple Cooper Clause, py to have a conversation with me afterwards, so soundtracking the silent 1922 witchcaft fi lm, songs from their latter two albums ending on a who also co-produced PRR’s latest album. Los- I am sad to see them split. I have however been Häxan. Íñigo Martínez de Rituerto crowd favourite ‘AVO’, a stripped down song ers’ most recent single, ‘Summertime Rolls,’ fea- told to keep an eye out for their individual proj- which captures the essence of the band. Usually tures vocals from Brian Molko from Placebo and ects in the future.

WinΔer Baƒƒ

Nick Bright

Nick Thorne Snatch Djs Friday 16 December £5.00 in advance online £6.00 on the door Free Mince Pies and Mulled wine and Father Christmas. imperialcollegeunion.org/metric

FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 33 Television Editors: George Barnett James Simpson [email protected] TELEVISION This is an ofﬁ cial announcement Christmas Choice

Maciej Matuszewski likes the latest from Charlie Brooker Have your highlighter and

Channel 4 copy of Radio Times at the am a great admirer of Charlie Brooker. He is a master of satire and biting so- ready cial commentary and so I had very high expectations of his latest work – the three part anthology miniseries Black MirrorI , the fi rst episode of which was broadcast this Sunday. I am happy to say that these expectations were more than fulfi lled. The title Black Mirror is a reference to mon- itor screens and each of the episodes focuses on the darker side of technology, especially social networking and new media. Brooker says that the inaugural episode, entitled The National Anthem, was inspired by “the kerfuf- fl e over superinjunctions” and how “Gordon Brown was virtually commanded to apologise December 21 | 2100 | BBC1 to Gillian Duffy”. The episode opens with Look at the massive bogie I just mined from my nose! Great Expectations Prime Minister Michael Callow being woken We’ve got great expectations for the BBC’s up to be told that the popular Princess Susan- fl agship period drama of the year. nah has been kidnapped and will be killed of course followed by the entire group, in- ments were removed, this would be a situation unless he performs... well, let us say ‘certain cluding old ladies, laughing uproariously. The that could happen in the real world. Christmas Day | 1900 | BBC1 acts’, with a pig on live television. The pub- scene becomes far more amusing, or, if you The National Anthem deserved its 1.86 mil- Doctor Who lic are initially sympathetic to his plight but prefer, far more disturbing, if you are aware lion viewers – the biggest audience for any Everyone’s favourite thing to ruin the conver- several incidents involving social media cause of Brooker’s well publicised dislike of David fi rst episode of a Channel 4 drama series this sation with on Christmas Day. Oh well. Some the situation to deteriorate before he almost Cameron. year. Brooker has created something truly spe- people like it. literally has no choice but to acquiesce to the The main focus of the episode, however, is cial – a show that is both relevant and funny. demands. how new technology means that the govern- I am also pleased that he has decided to use Christmas Day | 2100 | ITV1 The program is certainly very funny, the ment has lost even a semblance of control over the now rarely seen anthology format – which Downton Abbey Christmas Special best part coming near the end when we see a the media and how much it is now under the can offer a very different experience than a se- There’s a party at Downton this Christmas. crowd in pub watching a message broadcast sway of the fast changing whims of the masses. rial or one off feature length presentation. In Will Matthew and Mary get it on? by the government on all television channels This is helped by there actually being a strong Brooker’s own words, it provides a great av- proclaim: “this is an offi cial announcement – sense of realism in how the situation escalates. enue “for exploring ideas”. I’m certainly look- Boxing Day | 1930 | BBC1 in a few minutes the prime minister will per- As with all good satire there is a feeling that, ing forward to the remaining two episodes and The Borrowers form an indecent act on your screen”. This is if the all the superfi cial, more ridiculous ele- I advise you to tune in too. Victoria Wood, Stephen Fry and Christopher Eccleston star in the BBC’s version of this BBC Four classic novel.

Boxing Day | 2130 | ITV1 Agatha Christie’s Poirot Everyone’s favourite sycophantic Belgian sleuth.

December 30 | 2230 | BBC4 Charlie Brooker’s 2011 Wipe Why not see out the year with Mr Brooker’s unique take on the events that made up Derision from Charlie Brooker? Whatever next? 2011? The London Riots, scripted reality shows, the demise of the News of the World and Pippa Middleton’s bum will all be topics for discussion. Fancy winning a copy of Michael Portillo’s Great British Railway Journeys (Series 2)? Heard of Wikipedia? In which year did the famous “Portillo Moment” occur? Just email us at [email protected] with your answer and you could be in for a steamy ride with Michael... 34 Friday 09 DECember 2011 FELIX Film Editors: J o h n P a r k Lucy Wiles FILM ﬁ [email protected] iCU Cinema All-Nighter Tuesday 13 December Felix Film Awards – celebr

It’s that time of year again, when it is so brutally cold outside that fi nding a good night out where it’s socially acceptable to stay wrapped up in blankets is the stuff of dreams. Fortunately, it is also the time when iCU Cinema brings us the Winter All- Nighter – the fi rst all-nighter of the academic year, and a fantastic opportunity to catch all the fi lms you might have missed over the last few months for only a tenner. iCU Cinema will be featuring the following six fi lms, back-to-back, from 6pm on Tuesday 13 December, to 7:30am the next day – the ultimate test for the Actor of the Year: Actress of the Year: Director of the Year: true cinema fan: Michael Shannon Michelle Williams Lars von Trier Johnny English Reborn (6pm) The sequel heralds the return of Rowan Atkinson – Take Shelter My Week with Marilyn Melancholia possibly one of the most popular comic actors – in the titular role. Parodying the ever-ridiculous British What makes Take Shelter such a har- Williams absolutely nails Marilyn End of the world can be beautiful spy genre, this is a welcome reminder of Atkinson’s rowing experience is not down to its Monroe’s looks, voice, and speech. in von Trier’s eyes, and he creates irreplaceable talent for slapstick in this reprisal. marvellously restrained special ef- But her performance stands out as something truly illuminating and fects. Instead, Shannon’s intense one of the best this year because of captivating as he focuses on sis- Drive (8:15pm) performance as the unstable, para- her more silent, behind-the-scenes ters having to face diffi cult issues In this crime drama, Ryan Gosling stars as a stunt noid family man is what grips us from portrayal of the tragic, insecure mov- of their own, whilst a large planet driver who moonlights as a getaway driver in the dark start to fi nish. These alarming apoca- ie star. The pain and suffering she seems to be heading to Earth on a LA underworld. The fi lm, also starring Golsing’s im- lyptic visions that haunt his everyday constantly endures from both her collision course. Von Trier is hardly pressive costars Carey Mulligan, Albert Brooks and life; is he a prophet? Or is he show- personal and professional lives are known for his socially acceptable Christina Hendricks, received rave reviews and the ing signs of schizophrenia? Known well shown in the actress’ masterful behaviour, but when it comes to Best Director award at Cannes 2011. A must-see. for reliably playing loony characters, transformation, and for anyone who directing something that carries a the consistently superb Shannon is intends to play Marilyn Monroe in dramatic punch, he’s the master of Real Steel (10:30pm) just as good, if not better, in a lead future productions that are bound to utilising his talented cast, steady Hugh Jackman leads in this sci-fi story of robot-box- role of his own, as he creates one materialise at some point, Williams camera-work, restrained script, and ing, playing a former boxer who, along with his young memorable American hero. just set the bar a whole lot higher. in this case, some beautiful effects. son, builds up a junkyard robot to battle the slick cyborgs that dominate the world of robot boxing. A classic underdog story, this fi lm is a straight-up action fi lm for the purpose of pure entertainment.

Paul (1:15am) The latest from the unshakable duo of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, Paul is the story of two comic book nerd friends who encounter Paul – an off-beat alien (voiced by Seth Rogen) on their roadtrip. What follows combines the best parts of today’s British and American comedy genres, with Rogen being the perfect addition to Pegg and Frost’s team. Expect perfect comedy, together with endless sci-fi references. Ensemble of the Contagion (3:30am) Supporting Actor Supporting Actress Year: The serious feature of the evening, Contagion boasts an impressive cast includig Matt Damon, Kate Win- of the Year: of the Year: Bridesmaids slet and Gwyneth Paltrow. Capably directed by Ste- ven Soderbergh, this modern-day thriller follows the Nick Nolte Octavia Spencer There isn’t a single character or co- progression of a deadly virus as it sweeps the world. medic performance to fault here; An tense, impeccably-acted and fast-paced thriller. Warrior The Help whether it’s the horny mum of three semen-covered teenage boys Rita Troll Hunter (5:45am) I’m a sucker for emotional dramas “Eat ma shit,” will be the three (Wendi McLendon-Covey), the sweet, And now, what better fi lm to end the All-Nighter and involving dysfunctional families with words most people take away from “I’ve only slept with one man” Becca send you off to lectures than this Norwegian mocku- a hint of redemption involved, so The Help, uttered so hilariously by (Ellie Kemper), the plus-sized, strong mentary that follows a group of students who fi nd Warrior was right up my alley, and the irreplaceable Spencer. That’s and confi dent Megan (Melissa Mc- themselves tracking a giant, violent troll through the the insanely kinetic, inventive mixed not all; her character Minny loves Carthy), the rich, bitchy Helen (Rose woods. Critically acclaimed for its originality and fl air, martial arts fi ght scenes were an ex- her chickens too (bear with me Byrne), the fun bride (Maya Rudolph), this fi lm is fantastic example of how low-budget fi lms tra bonus. But the family dynamic, here). When her kind-hearted white and ultimately the insecure, rambly can produce some remarkable results. involving two wronged sons (Joel boss suggests burning some of her maid of honour (Kristen Wiig). The Edgerton, Tom Hardy) and an ex-al- fried chicken to give to her husband, girls of Sex and the City should eat There is really is no good reason to miss this line- coholic, apologetic wreck of a father Spencer pauses in absolute shock their hearts out, because female- up. Tickets can be bought in advance for £10 from (Nolte), is the solid base this sports and disgust as she says, “Minny driven wedding comedies should be www.icucinema.co.uk or for £12 on the door. For drama builds itself on, with Nolte giv- don’t burn chicken.” Spencer is an exactly like this; with humour, rich those who cannot handle the full night of fi lms, indi- ing one heart-wrenching, vulnerable absolute class act, and is every characters, and a hint of vomit and vidual tickets can be bought for £3 each. Food and performance as the born-again, sorry bit deserving of all the supporting lava-like diarrhoea (you know what drinks are available all night, and full details can be father who seeks forgiveness. awards there are. scene I’m talking about). found online. FELIX Friday 09 DECEMBER 2011 35 FILM rating this year’s best fi lms Top 10 Box Offi ce fi lms in the UK this week

Rising Star Award: Rising Star Award: Special Award: Michael Fassbender Jessica Chastain Andy Serkis

Following critical hits Hunger and Fish It’s hard to know where to begin with Chas- Serkis may never win an Oscar for his role 1) Arthur Christmas – U Tank, Fassbender is quickly rising in the tain. Virtually unknown in 2010, a year later, in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, but his – Jim McAvoy, Jim Broad- fi lm industry as one of the most bankable, she’s possibly one of the most talked-about motion-capture performance is such a bent, Bill Nighy dedicated performers around. He was actresses around, thanks to a number of mesmerising piece of cinema acting that oddly chilling, yet appealing, as Rochester fi lms (The Help, The Debt, The Tree of Life, we just could not stand not acknowledg- in Jane Eyre, he added layers of intensity Take Shelter) being released within months ing him for an award. If you watch some 2) Happy Feet Two – U and anger to Magneto in X-Men: First Class, of one another. She gives varied perfor- of the “making-of” footage for Rise of the liams, Pink his restrained performance in A Danger- mances in very different fi lms, the kind of Planet of the Apes, you will see that not ous Method was a fascinating one, and his versatility a lot of actresses struggle to only are his postures perfectly captured, top-notch performance as a sex addict in achieve in a lifetime. Her presence is felt in but also his subtle facial expression. He 3) The Twilight Saga: Shame is already generating much awards all the fi lms she has starred in, and the gen- virtually has no words to say, but he still Breaking Dawn - Part 1 buzz after his Best Actor win at the Venice uinely talented actress will hopefully have a manages to deliver something so power- – 12A – Robert Pattinson, Film Festival. All of this in a single year. A glowing career, with her résumé padded like ful in his incredibly detailed and dedicated Kristen Stewart, Taylor rising star indeed. never before. performance. Lautner

4) Hugo – U – Asa Butter- ﬁ eld, Chloe Grace Moretz, Christopher Lee

5) The Thing – 15 – Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgerton, Ulrich Thomsen

6) My Week with Mari- lyn – 15 – Michelle Wil- liams, Eddie Redmayne, Kenneth Branagh, Emma Watson

7) The Adventures of Tintin – PG – Jamie Bell, Special Award: Brit Film of the Year: Film of the Year: Andy Serkis, Daniel Craig Woody Allen Deathly Hallows – Part 2 Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy 8) 50/50 – 15 – Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Seth Ro- It takes a unique kind of genius to write and It took ten years, eight fi lms, millions of dol- It’s a great-looking, well-acted, smartly- gan, Anna Kendrick direct every year – and Allen is that man. He lars, and hundreds of cast and crew to get written, completely absorbing spy drama, attracts the starriest ensembles, picks the the fi nal fi lm of the Harry Potter franchise and its slow, patient pace works as a great perfect locations, shoots with his tradition- absolutely right. There is action, magic and advantage. It’s layered with so much depth 9) Immortals – 15 – Hen- al modest style, and somehow manages most importantly, heart. With actors hav- and detail that it does the great John Le ry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, to produce embracing romantic-comedies. ing matured into their roles over the years, Carré’s novel justice. The highly underrated John Hurt He makes hiccups here and there, but who and a faultless supporting cast boasting Gary Oldman falls beautifully into the role of doesn’t? For a man who has given us more some famous English names, the fi nale to George Smiley, whose mission is to identify than forty fi lms over his distinguished ca- the most successful series in the history a Soviet mole hidden in the high levels of reer, Allen shows a high level of consistency of cinema is a more than satisfying one, a British Secret Service. It’s a complex ride 10) Dream House – 15 in his work, and is most certainly an excep- real British triumph, and something every but completely worth paying attention to; a – Daniel Craig, Rachel tional gem of a director/writer. generation can embrace with pride. triumph in every sense. Weisz, Naomi Watts 36 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX Games Editor: Laurence Pope

GAMES [email protected] (Even more) Web Games The Top Picks from 2011 So I guess I was lying when I said there’d only be one week’s worth of web games. For the final Games section of ‘11 we’re going to offer you up two awesome games that you can play right now in your web brows- 2012 is almost upon us, and one must ask themselves: er. In order to enjoy these you’re going to need the Adobe Flash Player plug-in, which can be installed what were the best games of 2011? from http://get.adobe.com/flashplayer/

My First Quantum Translocator MichaelM Cook goes for Team Fortress 2 http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/ view/548371 TTeam Fortress 2 is not a new release for It's lost a lot of followers over the years, 22011. But the renaissance it underwent over and those it gained back through free-to-play tthe last 12 months means it might as well be mechanics may have found themselves be- ttreated as such. A huge number of new ideas wildered by the ever-shifting nature of its UI, hhave been ploughed into this game, and it re- class system, and bugs. But the servers are mmains as fresh, vibrant and playful as it ever still ﬂ ourishing, the unusual and rare items hhas been. The humour, the experimental na- still enticing. Having given rise to the Steam tture and the inventiveness of Valve has been Workshop, Trading and Cloud, I'm excited to eevident in every update, every store release see what the next twelve months herald for aand special event, and it continues to shine. this game. No doubt I'll still be playing.

Laurence Pope picks Dead Space 2

Dead Space 2 is a game I maybe slagged off There’s been a fair amount of DLC offered There are a lot of teleporting/portalling games a little bit in the past, but let’s be honest here for the game, all of it free, which keeps every- about, but My First Quantum Translocator puts an- – I foul-mouth most games. Dead Space 2, at thing interesting (if not somewhat imbalanced other spin on this sub-genre. the end of the day, is a solid game with solid in single player). Hardcore mode still presents You play as a little astronaut-like guy stuck in a (and fairly original) gameplay mechanics; I a deadly challenge, and to this day I’ve still yet lab. This chap has the ability to ‘quantum trans- have yet to play another game where dismem- to get through the game on the three saves locate’ – he can create a black ‘shadow’ that he bering your enemies plays such a crucial role the mode allows you. The multiplayer aspect can teleport to at will, conserving all his current in surviving. You can shoot the necromorphs of the game has died down a little bit since re- momentum. Using this ability you can jump up high in the chest all you want, but it’ll leave you as lease, but on the basis of single player mode ledges, avoid death traps and generally mess with so many bloody pieces on the ﬂ oor. alone it gets my vote. your head. The game requires a mixture of timing, logical thinking and quick reflexes, and is certainly a great game to flex a little bit of your grey matter. Laurence Pope (also) suggests Limbo

Why am I getting two bites of the apple? Why You face buzzsaws, rolling stones and giant am I selecting a game that technically came creepy insects, all black and featureless, only K.O.L.M. out in 2010 on the XBLA? Because I’m the adding to the sense of foreboding the game Games editor that’s why, and if I can’t exert my seeks (and manages) to create. http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/ inﬂ uence in real life I’ll darn well exert it here to Unlike Dead Space 2, Limbo is not for those view/556643 boost my meagre sense of self-esteem. looking for a high-energy, high action thrill ride. Limbo is dark, depressing and an absolute Ultimately, it boils down to a side-scrolling hor- gem. You play as a young boy, stuck in a world ror experience that aims to creep you out, and ﬁ lled with devices and creatures that just want does so masterfully. Give it a shot. to kill you. Oh, and it came out on Steam in ‘11, so hah!

PopCap Goodie Bag Competition!

Holy moly, a competition? It sure is! PopCap have sent us a whole pile of goodies, and we have four gift packs K.O.L.M. is another game that’s more of an artpiece to give away, including games, writing pads and collect- than a game. You play as a little broken robot who’s ible models. If you want a chance to win, simply answer been tasked with rebuilding himself for Mother, this fiendishly difficult question: starting off slow, dim-sighted and defenceless. As you explore the labyrinth you’re stuck in, you Which of these games was NOT designed by PopCap? find your eyes, legs, and weapons, along with other a) Ski Region Simulator parts that allow you to reach previously inaccessi- b) Plants vs. Zombies ble areas. Closed areas open up, allowing you to c) Peggle Nights discover more of the small world you play in. d) Bejewelled Twist If you’re into action, this isn’t the game for you. If you enjoy calming music, mild puzzle solving and To win, email [email protected] with your an- something generally quite relaxing, K.O.L.M. is the swer. Entries close at 14:00 on Dec 12. All winners will game for you. be selected at random. FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 37 GAMES Dancing the Grim Fandango Sam Horti takes a look back at one of gaming’s unique classics, Grim Fandango

have come to realise that there is one natural, and are diffi cult enough for you to get a thing that gamers crave above all else in sense of achievement when you solve one. their video games: uniqueness. It's some- The game was designed by Tim Schaffer (of thing that we only seem to see fl eeting Psychonauts and the Monkey Island series), glances of in the modern day. Where did which means you expect something a bit special, allI the innovation and inspiration go? Well, a lot and you are not disappointed. Grim Fandango of it was spent in 1998 with the conception of deserves the numerous awards it has for its ar- Grim Fandango. tistic design. The game plays out with charac- This is a game that manages to combine many ters moving around static backgrounds, which apparently unrelated elements seamlessly, so change as you move Manny to the edge of the that they all come together in a way that makes scene. The levels are very detailed and highly perfect sense. Specifi cally, the game creates a varied, and although you will return to some of melting pot of Aztec beliefs in the afterlife and a the locations that you visit early in the game, you Film Noir style, with heavy infl uence from fi lms are never bored of the environment you are in. like Casablanca. The characters take the intrigu- The visuals are mind blowing for the time, not ing form of skeletons in the mould of “Calacas,” necessarily in terms of graphical performance, ideas of which originate from Aztec times. but in terms of the boldness of everything on screen. It holds up even to this day, with the character models being the real highlight. You would think that the skeletal fi gures you meet “Every single character may appear recycled, repetitive fi gures, but they has a unique personality all have an individual styling and you can tell that great care was put into each and every one with completely different of them. Remember, this is from 1998, so don’t expect full HD graphics. However, when I tried voices, which means you a patched version recently it ran like a charm and care about their fates” there were no frame rate issues to speak of.

You play as Manny Calavera, a travel agent in “The puzzles, in tune with the “Land of the Dead” who is working to pay off a debt owed to the powers that be. His job is the rest of the game, to escort lost souls after they die, with the most desirable outcome being a ticket on the Number can be very weird and 9 Express, taking said souls to their fi nal resting place, “The Ninth Underworld”. Unfortunately, wonderful and require not all are deserving of this reward, and so they some imagination to solve” come to Manny to see how he can help them. Frustrated at always being given the worst clients, Manny ends up stealing a client from another travel agent. His quest to get this appar- are experiencing it fi rst hand you realise that it is supposed to complete to help Manny advance on The controls may appear puzzling themselves ently deserving customer, “Meche,” a ticket on genuinely superb. You want to know what hap- his epic adventure. As you explore an area, you at fi rst, but you very quickly get used to them. the Number 9 Express turns out to be far bigger pens next, you want to tie off all the loose ends, discover different items, characters, and loca- Manny is moved around his 3D environment than he can imagine as the player unravels a tale and you really want Manny to succeed in his tions that fi ll in the gaps in your knowledge, and with the 4 directional keys, with different buttons of friendship, corruption and betrayal. quest. The characters drive the story along bril- give you clues as to how you can progress. The assigned to different actions, such as picking up Now, what I've told you about the story may liantly, and the voice acting in this game is some game play normally consists of fi nding different items, examining your inventory or attempting make this game seem just a bit too wacky for of the best I have heard in any video game, with items strewn across the fantastic environments to use items. At its core, the game play is very anyone over the age of eight. However, once you the standouts being Manny and his oversized and working out how they can be used to achieve simple. If you’re looking for action packed thrills friend, Glottis. to goal in hand. This normally involves combin- and spills you won’t fi nd them here. The action is The dialogue is very amusing and charming, ing different items at certain locations. reserved exclusively for the cut scenes, and the and every single character has a unique person- This process requires thought, patience, and gameplay is decidedly slow paced. However, the ality with completely different voices, which trial and error in equal portions. There may be story that drives the gameplay is the real point of means you care about their fate. Even the mi- times where you have 10 items in your inventory interest, and as you always have a goal to accom- nor characters are brilliantly voiced and manage and not a clue about how any of them can help plish you will never feel uninterested. to be unforgettable, something many modern you do what you want. There is no hint system, I absolutely love this game. I can’t recommend games fail to achieve (I’m looking at you Fallout so you may feel a little lost at some points. But it highly enough if you like a game with a superb 3). Manny himself is one of my favourite video as you persevere, the answer will normally re- story and terrifi c characters. Even if you don’t game characters of all times. He is unassuming veal itself. The puzzles in one area all link to- like puzzle games, I feel you should try this and socially awkward, but he has many hilarious gether, so solving one will lead onto another, game for an experience that few other games can anecdotes to relate to the player in the form of and eventually onto the advancement of the sto- deliver. Manny Calavera and his great adventure soliloquies. He is simply brilliant. ryline (marked by a cut scene). The puzzles, in will stick with you for a long time. The interest- So what do you actually do in this game? Well, tune with the rest of the game, can be very weird ing, challenging puzzles will keep you hooked, I would defi ne Grim Fandango as a puzzle game, and wonderful and require some imagination to and the fact that you cannot fail to care about the although simply labelling this game as just an- solve, with only one or two that seem counter- characters mean you will defi nitely want to see You could say he’s DEAD classy (I’m here all other puzzler would be very wrong. You normal- intuitive, which is impressive for a puzzle game this stunning adventure through to its satisfying night folks) ly arrive at a location with a set of tasks you are of this size. In general they feel both clever and climax. 38 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX Games Editor: Laurence Pope

GAMES [email protected] A right royal roundup

As 2011 draws to a close Philip Kent summarises the big events of the year – gaming related, of course

Hacks, cracks and website Johnson’s voice, Portal 2 has much to offer, with hilarious dialog, challenging puzzles and attacks cooperative multiplayer. This also saw the start of Valve’s obsession with hats, which developed Without a doubt, the biggest thing to hit the further in June when Valve rereleased Team gaming world this year would have to be April’s Fortress 2 as free to play, with added benefits takedown of the PSN. Gamers were originally available to those who pay. You can also left in the dark about the whole sit- spend some of your hard-earned cash uation, with Sony initially only on hats, with a Proof of Purchase offering the explanation that hat available for those who shell there was an ‘external intru- out for the premium version of sion’. It took Sony days to TF2. even admit that addressed Fans of war games were and payment details may also not disappointed in have been stolen – with 2011, thanks to the release some reporting malicious of both Modern Warfare 3 in use of debit cards. November and, surprisingly, Subscribers did get a sub- Duke Nukem Forever. MW3 stantial apology from Sony – as was well received, and also saw well as identity theft protection for the launch of the Call of Duty Elite their US users, customers got two web service, allowing die-hard fans to free games as well as their memberships ex- keep up to date on every single statistic, im- tended for free. However, the damage was done; prove their game with “deep strategies” and Sony estimated the costs from the break-in to much more. amount to $171m for the 23 days the PSN was Duke Nukem, on the other hand, was a bit Some of the big games from 2011 (From top left, clockwise: Crysis 2, CoD: Modern Warfare 3, Portal 2 The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim down for. of a disaster. It may have taken 14 years to be , and ) Valve had some bad news too. The Steam fo- released (an event which many may still find rums suffered from an attack last month, with shocking), though this didn’t lead to quality Valve also deciding to go silent and pretend that – Metacritic scores gave it a verdict of being Consoles on the way What can we expect in ‘12? the site was down just for some maintenance. merely average. And the bad news didn’t end When they did admit the extent of the damage, there – reviews slammed the game for its im- Bar the Xbox 360 dashboard being revamped a It’s hard to tell what will happen next year. One we learnt that a Steam database had been broken maturity; the Official Xbox Magazine UK even couple of times, Microsoft and Sony have been of the arguments against the high price of the 3DS into, with passwords and credit card details po- said "isn't so much offensive or misogynistic as mute regarding new consoles. Nintendo, on the games is the high cost, especially when you con- tentially in the hands of criminals. just suffering from an adolescent fixation with other hand, kicked off the year with the 3DS, an sider the increasing number of people gaming on Luckily for Steam users, the forums returned boobs and crowbarred-in innuendo." improved version of Nintendo’s their mobile phones, thanks to app store in just a few weeks, and it didn’t affect the entire handheld games console, but mania. This deﬁ nitely seems to be the service, though, it is a stark reminder of the risks with the unusual ability of sup- way things are going – Atari released involved with “cloud” gaming services such as porting 3D gaming without the 100 of their classic games onto iOS, and Steam and the PSN. need for bulky glasses. It is, there have been calls by Nintendo’s in- however, not perfect. The 3DS vestors to do the same. comes in at £120, with games PC gaming has had a bit of a re- Releases Galore ranging from £30 to a hefty naissance year, and hopefully this is £40, and suffers from a poor, a trend that will continue. Services There has been plenty of good news this year 5-hour battery life. like Steam are continuously becoming though, with lots of major releases to keep your The one time betting on Duke is a less than What may be more successful more popular, though with EA pulling fingers occupied with. The first was back in stellar idea for them is 2012’s Wii U, the successor to their last all their games off of Steam to sell solely on their March when the much-anticipated Crysis 2 was console in 2006. This was unveiled at June’s E3, own Origin service, it may be that fragmentation released, which reached over three million sales and features a touchscreen on the controller, in ad- will lead to harming the use of the PC as a gaming by June, and was generally decided to be an ex- For those who preferred something a little bit dition to the high deﬁ nition playback on the televi- machine. cellent title by the critics. Crytek’s rhetoric ma- lighter, the third Humble Indie Bundle was re- sion. This would be in addition to using the older As ever, time will tell. chine was in full force for this release, with ex- leased in the summer, with many excellent titles Wiimotes, and backwards compatibility (at least ecutives saying that Crysis 2’s graphics, AI and such as VVVVVV, Clash of the Titans and And from an optical media angle) would be restricted gameplay are the best in video gaming history. Yet It Moves. The ‘pay what you want’ model to Wii games, owners of large GameCube libraries raised over $2m, of which part went to charity. may have to repurchase their titles from whatever This was followed by additional Frozen Synapse (if anything) succeeds the Virtual Console. and Introversion bundles. “The Humble Indie Bundle And, of course, no wrap up of the year’s big ‘pay what you want’ model releases is complete without Skyrim, one of a “Steam showed 230,000 few games to receive universal acclaim. Steam raised over $2m” showed 230,000 concurrent players on the day concurrent players on the of release, and approximately $450m in sales Skyrim’s over just five days, making it the second best day of release” Valve also put out a new title: the equally an- selling game this year, beaten only by Modern ticipated Portal 2. Even if you got tired of Cave Warfare 3. Valve’s revolutionary gaming platform Steam FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 39 GAMES A visit from St Nicholas Ross Webster signs off the year with a traditional Christmas jingle – Portal style

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the lab, Not a test subject was stirring, not even the crab. The turrets were placed by the windows with care, In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The cubes were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of loved ones danced in their heads. And GLaDOS in her chassis, after a solitary beep, Had just shut down her cwwwores for a long winter’s sleep.

When out in a chamber there arose such a clatter, The turrets awoke to see what was the matter. Their eyes lit up, in an unnerving stare, Whirring and grinding, asking: "Are you there?"

The light from the thermal discouragement beam, Highlighted the edges of the ﬁ gments of a dream. When, what to their wondering eyes should appear, But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick, They knew in a moment it must be St Nick. More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, on Donner and Blitzen! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As test subjects trying to escape to the world outside, When they meet with an obstacle, portals appear and through they glide. So along to the core the coursers they ﬂ ew, With the sleigh full of toys, and St Nicholas too. And then, in a twinkling, they heard up above, The prancing and pawing of the animals they love. As they lost their focus, and were turning around, Through a bright red portal, St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with moon dust and soot. A bundle of toys he had ﬂ ung on his back, And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes – how they twinkled! His dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The portal placement device he held tight in his hands, And the smoke it encircled his head like Jupiter's bands. He had a broad face and a little round belly, That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, and his ﬁ gure brightly glowed, The turrets swooned when they saw him, in spite of their code! A wink of his eye and then they all knew, That like all human children, he loved them too.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And ﬁ lled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk. And laying his ﬁ nger aside of the trigger, And giving a nod, ran through the portal with vigour!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all ﬂ ew like the down of a thistle. But they heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all, and keep safe. For science!"

FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 41 Fashion Editors: Saskia Verhagen Alice Yang [email protected] FASHION Give your gifts in style Saskia Verhagen and Alice Yang bring you this Christmas’ most fashionable presents GIRLS GUYS

Body-chain A completely unique gift inspired by Leonardo him-- ForF those men that need a gentle prod in the right Debrett’s Guide for the self, and beautifully crafted by one of our own (An-- directiond (let’s face it, most could use a little help), (£12-15) nabel St John-Lyle, Year 4 MechEng), these cross- tthis stylish man’s bible features tips from how to Modern Gentleman (£15) body necklaces lend a downtown-chic touch to buy a suit, to business etiquette, international the plainest of outﬁ ts. Worn over a white tee, or superstitions and essential ﬁ lms one must have a black dress, this simple little accessory reminis- seen – plus there’s an entire chapter dedicated to cent of vintage Angelica Huston, is perfect for the chivalry. And there was I thinking chivalry had well girl who has almost everything. Five different styles and truly seen its last day well before my lifetime. are sold, each featuring a different central motif, But in the words of Theodore Roosevelt, quoted in and with £5 off for the Christmas season only, the the inside cover: “Courtesy is as much a mark of a chains are being sold for only £12-15, truthfully a gentlemang as courage.” Didn’t I tell you? Essential steal for every budget. -SV readingr for all those with a Y-chromosome. -SV

Dior Couture If you’re shopping for a girl who likes to pretendd A guy’s wallet is the holder of his life, yet too many Aspinal of London: she’s a Princess, dreams of ﬂ owing gowns andd gguys have fallen down the trap of “boring black wal- (£70) pours over the pages of Vogue, Dior Couture is THE let” or even worse, “I’ve had this polyester wallet Leather Wallet (£65) book to gift her with. Like a fairy-tale picture book, since I was 10”. It’s prime time we helped turn our this is 250 pages of fashion history with designs boys into men, and smart sophisticated, stylish men from Christian Dior himself, Yves Saint Laurent, at that – what better place to start than a good sturdy Marc Bohan, and of course, John Galliano. Hun- smooth leather wallet? This particular one by Aspinal dreds of to-die-for dresses delicately captured by of London is dark enough to be subtle, yet still shows the famous photographer Patrick Demarchelier, on character and screams quality. Whether it’s a brother, some of world’s most beautiful top models, in somee bbest friend, boyfriend, or God forbid, father, show the £ of the world’s most stunning locations; there’s noo mman in your life that they deserve the best, and give going wrong. -AY tthem a gift that will never leave their side. -AY

Liberty London Collection A scarf may seem like a typical Christmas present,, DDearest female-friends, should you be feeling on The Watch Hut: Skeleton but being Liberty’s and being 100% silk, Libertyy tthe generous side this Christmas, why not buy Silk Scarf (~£135) London Collection scarves are anything but ordi- your male-counterpart something a bit more spe- Strap Watch (£131) nary. cial? Yes, of course, feel free to splash out on a Pamper that much loved woman in your life with Rolex, but hey, that’s just a tad bit mainstream this beautiful gift inspired by British winter gar- don’t you think? So why not go for this stunning dens, featuring prints from jewelled toned peacock timepiece instead? This leather strapped watch feathers, to monochrome orchids, and vibrant wild oozes of the perfect gentleman with a sense of ﬂ owers. There are even online tutorials for the heritage and respect for exceptional style; plus, many different ways they can be worn: as hair- we can bet the look on his face whilst watching

bands, in braids and as turbans… this isn’t justt £ tthose cogs turn will be a sight you don’t want to any scarf; this is a Liberty’s scarf. -AY mmiss. -AY

Chanel 2.55 The ultimate in classic handbags, the Chanel 2.555 TTo match your girl’s shiny red Chanel, the ultimate Ferrari 250 GTO is a dream gift for almost any girl. Crafted from thee vvintage car truly blows the budget. The last one (from: £1,200) softest lambskin, and drenched in the most formi-i bought in the UK was that by DJ Chris Evans, a well- (POA) dable history of Coco herself (the chain handle is known collector of classic cars, which went for some- said to be inspired by bracelets the nuns wore at where around the £12 million mark. The car (which, the convent she grew up in, and the inside pocket as a Ferrari, must be red) was originally produced be- was for her love letters), you can keep your ‘it’ tween 1962-64, when only 39 cars were produced bags of the moment because this beautiful little – hence the hefty price tag – though originally they piece of fashion history, ﬁ rst made in February were sold for $18,000, to customers especially ap- DREAM – £150 £70 £20 – £70 £20 < 1955 will never, ever date. If your budget stretches proved by Enzo Ferrari himself. I doubt he would have this far, this is a gift that no girl could turn herer approved of Chris Evans driving this masterpiece. nose up at. -SV Something to ponder another time perhaps. -SV 42 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX Food Editors: Anastasia Eleftheriou Michael Krestas FOOD [email protected] Wine Culture A taste of Christmas Five things to know about red and Michael Krestas makes his top festive food and drink decisions white wines Hotel Chocolat is the hotel of your Christmas dreams

A luxurious hotel must always include and white chocolate bars for the getting the highest qual- king size bedrooms, royal breakfast, at traditionally minded, to chocolate ity in the market. Milk least one swimming pool, a spa, a gym, a fondue and champagne truf- chocolate cups posh bar or... just the greatest chocolate fl es for the more adventur- fi lled with layers in the UK! I’m talking about ous. Whether you’re look- of praline and Hotel Chocolat, the cocoa ing for a Christmas salted caramel. grower and chocolatier ev- gift or a Irresistibly cute ery choco-lover must have treat to sweeten Christmas Crackers, with visited at least your tooth, this is space to write your guests’ names once. the place to visit. and with a gorgeous fi lled chocolate hid- At Hotel Choco- Many may argue ing inside – perfect as table settings or 1. There is one familiar rule which simply says lat you will fi nd chocolate here is as smart tree decorations. that “Red with meat, white with fi sh”. Is it cor- any kind of choco- a bit pricey, and rect though? In most cases, a red wine is more late you can imag- it’s true, but – be- Nearest shop: 5 Montpelier Street, suitable for a meat-based dish, simply because ine; from milk, dark lieve me – you are Knightsbridge, SW7 1EZ the tannins (particular ingredients of red wine) bind the proteins of meat, resulting in a harmonic matching. Moreover, white wine and seafood have many things in common, like their fl avour ‘intensity’ and texture. Warm up your winter with Starbucks 2. Do you know a rule without any exceptions? Of course not. This is also the case for the previous point, where exceptions arise because of the The last few days, the temperature has what you need to celebrate Christmas is uniqueness of each particular recipe. For example, been falling dramatically, making me think a non-reusable paper cup. imagine a meal with chicken in a white sauce with that my fl ight back to beautiful Greece Customer alert: Starbucks’ fancy drinks, mushrooms. We can combine it with a mature near the end of December may be can- as any other’s major coffee shop, con- white wine without feeling guilty, as the fl avour celled like last year. There’s not much sist of a shot of mediocre espresso, and texture of meat will allow for it now. Surely, to do but wear more clothes, buy more plenty of milk, a few milligrams of the though, it is a matter of taste what you will choose tissues and stay in the warm labs the syrup they get their name from and in these cases. most you can. If all of this has proven in whipped cream on top. So keep in mind: vain, grab one of the Starbucks family of these are not coffee drinks – not even 3. Wine is extremely sensitive to temperature Red Cup hot drinks. Especially designed latte – although I must admit they are variations. For this reason it is crucial to store for the Christmas season – when people very enjoyable during the cold days. our wines in a place where the temperature is as tend to spend more money – the Toffee stable as possible. Nut Latte, Eggnog Latte, Gingerbread Nearest shops: 83 Gloucester Road, Latte and the Mocha Praline are just what SW7 4SS/ 19 Old Brompton Road, SW7 4. You should never put wine in the freezer, for the you need to celebrate the festivities; if 3HZ reason explained in the previous point. It’s better to put it in the bin straight away.

5. Finally, our shelves should allow the horizontal placement of the bottles. The reason is simple; when the bottles are horizontal the cork is washed Bottlegreen Spiced Berry Cordial Cherizena Christmas Coffee Epicure Wine Reduction from the wine and remains moist and elastic, maintaining the ability to adjust well on the neck A classic winter warmer combining Colombian fi lter coffee fl avored with Epicure’s exceptional wine reduc- of the bottle. Therefore, the wine is protected from blackcurrants, aronia berries, and rum nuts, orange, and spices. A “dif- tions can be used in various ways oxygen. spice, this cordial is best mixed with ferent” choice for those seeking an in- to add intense, rich fl avors to your hot water although warm red wine is triguing coffee smell of high quality at dishes, from meats and casseroles Anastasia Eleftheriou the choice to go with to capture the an affordable price, Cherizena offers to fi sh, salad dress- full essence of Christmas. a wide selection of fl avored coffee ing, and soups. The When the cold days are over, satisfying even the most demanding: range includes: Ma- if you have some cordial left caramel fudge, Tennessee whiskey, deira & Lamb, Muscat try mixing it with sparkling wa- sticky ginger- & Saffron, Ghianti & ter; it’s just as refreshing as a bread, chocolate Porcini, Vermouth & soda and very tasty. orange, and cin- Chicken, and Merlot Available also in these fl a- namon are & Fine Herbs. Epicure vours: Pomegranate & Elder- just a few Creative Cooks offers fl ower, Sparkling Ginger & of the all you need to skip Lemongrass Presse, Lem- available straight to creative ongrass with Ginger Cordial, flavours. jobs that make cooking and many more. Nice! and eating so enjoyable. FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 43 FOOD Frosty the Cupcake Warm up the kitchen with some classic Christmas baking

Yap Chin Hua Place butter in a large bowl and beat or greased with baking spray. Fill each with an electric mixer (or with a wood- muffi n wells to about 3/4 full, any more Follow these guidelines on how to make en spoon and suffi cient arm grease) un- and the mixture would overfl ow in the yourself the perfect base and frosting in til mixture is soft, about 3 minutes. oven. Bake for 18 to 22 minutes at 150C time for Christmas! Tip in the white and brown sugar and or until a toothpick inserted into the mix with the mixer until mixture is pale middle of the cake comes out without brown, creamy, and velvety, about 8 wet batter. Do not open the oven door Base minutes. Remember to scrape down the for the fi rst 10 minutes. sides of the mixing bowl every once in When cupcakes are done, remove Ingredients a while to ensure that all sugar is well from the oven and cool cupcakes for 1 1/2 cups cake fl our mixed. Whisk marks left by the beater fi ve minutes in the tin. After fi ve min- 3/4 teaspoon baking powder should be visible in the luxuriously utes, turn out the cupcakes and cool 3/4 teaspoon baking soda fl uffy mixture. This step incorporates air completely on a wire rack. 1/2 teaspoon salt into the batter to ensure that the result- At this point, the cupcakes can either Pinch of nutmeg ing cupcake is light and the crumbs are be frosted with cream cheese frosting, 85 grams unsalted butter at room tem- soft. Do take time to beat well. or eaten just as they are. perature Add the egg and beat it into the mix- 1/2 cup granulated white sugar ture well, scrape the sides of the bowl 1/4 cup light brown sugar — packed before beating for another 30 seconds. Frosting 1 egg lightly beaten Mix in the vanilla extract and the full- ture and that cream cheese is fridge (or with a wooden spoon) until mixture 1 teaspoon vanilla extract fat yoghurt, and mix well. Ingredients cold. Cut cream cheese into cubes be- forms stiff frosting. The mixture may 3/4 cups full-fat yoghurt Add the prepared dry ingredients and 45 grams of unsalted butter — room fore placing back into the fridge for at seem like it is never going to come 3 large nectarines, peeled, cored and the cubed fruits. Mix by hand using a temperature least 30 minutes. together as it may look very dry. Give chopped into 1-inch cubes whisk or large spoon until everything 2.5 cups icing sugar Beat the butter with all the icing sugar it time and don’t add any more liquid. is mixed. Try and resist the urge to be 125 grams cream cheese – fridge cold. until sandy. Start mixing really slowly Don’t beat for more than two minutes or Method overzealous when stirring. Mix only 1/2 teaspoon lemon juice to prevent inhaling icing sugar. the frosting will be too runny. Sift fl our, baking powder, baking soda, until everything is just combined. Over- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract The mixture will look like yellow Top the cooled cupcake with about salt and nutmeg. Mix dry mixtures thor- mixing would result in tough cupcakes. sand. one tablespoon of frosting. Ensure that oughly to ensure that everything is well Divide batter into muffi n trays that Method Add the cream cheese, vanilla and the cupcakes are completely cooled to mixed. Set mixture aside. are either lined with muffi n paper cases Ensure that butter is at room tempera- lemon juice; beat with an electric mixer prevent the frosting from melting. Coming to a Wonderland near you: Münchener Currywurst!

Mario Hayashi derland offers nothing short of roasted chestnuts (nut-lovers you’ll love this), Winter is coming. mulled wine, Hungarian Langos and And so, as autumn draws to a close, goulash. But the real highlight of the we must all brace ourselves for the sea- winter night? Hot dogs. They’re literally son to come. everywhere, and for good reason: the But not all is lost amid chilly tempera- authentic German Weisswurst, grilled tures and shorter days: after all, it’s the to perfection, tastes heavenly and can’t time of year when penguins suit up for be missed out on. By far the greatest their annual winter ball. With the holi- German invention, the Münchener Cur- day season just started, there’s plenty to rywurst is a one-of-a-kind sausage that be celebrated and feasted on. Food, once experts unanimously agree to be the again, has taken centre stage. long reigning king of the Wurst arena. Enter Winter Wonderland. For those A range of beers are served too and are of you who’ve not yet been: situated best enjoyed at the Bavarian beer hut, in London’s historic Hyde Park, it’s where dance beats of the 80s and 90s an amusement park within convenient liven up the atmosphere. walking distance from our college. Ever While the foods are delicious, the pric- notice the Ferris Wheel at Hyde Park es are a shocker. All foods are expen- Corner? That’s the place I’m talking of. sive and I’ve come to discover that hot As if modelled after a traditional Ger- dog prices vary from stand to stand. So man (or allow me to interject, Austrian!) watch out folks. Also, there are no free Christkindlmarkt, food and souvenir cash machines (there’s no such thing as stands exhibit an uncanny similarity to a free lunch, after all), so make sure you those found on the Continent. What’s have cash at hand when you visit. more, the rides and attractions are all Finally, Winter Wonderland offers an sourced from (presumably) Germany ice skating rink too, for those who want and Bavarian ﬂ ags dominate the won- to work off the delicious drinks and food derland scene. Welcome to Europe! with some exercise. Back to our foods menu: Winter Won- Enjoy! You might not ﬁ nd a free lunch within Hyde Park this winter, but headaches are a real possibility 44 Friday 09 DECEMBER 2011 FELIX Travel Editors: Dushi Arumuganesan Chris Richardson TRAVEL [email protected] Cannabis Cup Highlights Friends in high places

Felix Travel competition winners Charlie, Mandy and Bobby B

s a kid, Usain Bolt probably dreamt of the Olympics while he was outstripping all his mates on the running track. Neil Armstrong probably gazed at the Moon and Awondered “what if?” Charlie, Mandy and Bobby Brown almost certainly sat monged in the wee hours of the morning and all agreed they really fucking wanted to go to the Cannabis Cup. I doubt many stoners have bucket lists. They’re kind of reserved for unfulfi lled old men and the ter- minally ill, and arguably require a degree of focus and ambition that tends to evade the habitual recre- ational smoker. Nevertheless, if they did the High zoomed by. important in life until you almost don’t have it, and Times Cannabis Cup would defi nitely feature. In To be blunt (pun intended), the journey was I’m glad I’ve found it”. With a puff on his pipe and truth, it might be the only thing to feature. It’s the tip-top-terrifi c. We aggressively worked our way a tip of the hat, he wishes us a good Cup and enters Valhalla of ganja, marijuana’s answer to Davos, the through the rest of our spliff and spoke endless the madness. meeting place for all that is great and good in the codshite to our fellow Cup-goers, at least until the It was now that shit got real. As if a converted, world of green – it’s the Cannabis Cup. fumes got the better of us and we were forced into graffi tied bus with strobe lights and ashtrays hadn’t In spite of everyone’s best efforts to get out of a silent submission. Before the haze and glaze, we hit it home enough, the arrival at the Borchland bed and check in at Gatwick for stupid o’clock, the did manage to muster up some top quality investi- provided the fi nish. None of us had any idea of trusty pilot at RyanJet decided to fuck up our day gative journalism. what lay in wait for us through the double doors and show up late. I wish I could recollect a riot of this unassuming out-of-town conference centre. scene à la August in Croydon, but that’s far from a Naturally our minds had run wild over the past Pot smoke and phallic objects: two favourite things stoner’s nature. Instead there were a few apathetic “it was Willy Wonka’s weed weeks, but we knew nothing, the whole affair was sniffs and whimpers, as most would-be Cup-goers shrouded in myth and mystery. sat with lips pursed, longing for the sweet scent of wet dream” Picture a careers fair, except instead of rows THC and greasy fried chicken chaser. of banks lining up to hand out boiled sweets and The delayed fl ight gave plentiful time and an pens, you have stall after stall offering everything a adequate sample size to give us a good idea as to Among the humble critters we encountered was stoner could desire. Oh, and also the 30ft high con- Cannabis Cup winners the demographic of Cup-goers. An entire spectrum Dale, a sixty-something PhD (Doctor of Philoso- ference hall is dense with the fruitiest smoke that of people was present: everything from investment phy? Pretty huge dick? You decide.) hailing from ever washed over your olfactory receptors. The wankers right up to hoodie-sporting CoD afi cio- – where else – Southern California. Dale has lived High Times employees made us feel immediately nados. Men and women, of all ages, shapes and a pretty interesting life, setting up growers “for pri- welcome with their Southern Californian warmth classes – it seems there is some truth in Everyone- vate use and on a commercial scale”. His clients and candour, as they handed out our judges passes DoesIt.com’s beloved domain name. After a few include doctors and lawyers, and despite run-ins and a bunch of free stuff. I couldn’t help but pinch rounds of Angry Birds EasyAir fi nally got their shit with the law and the burden of repeated heart at- myself when, confused by who wanted what t- together and we were off on our merry way. tacks, Dale insists that he loves his work and loves shirt, the assistant serving us let slip, “man, I’m too We decamped at the hostel, breakfasted like his pot. high for this shit.” You certainly wouldn’t get it in champions on some chicken strips and, buoyed As the bus pulls in to the foggy car park Dale Starbucks (or at least they wouldn’t admit to it). by a sense of adventure, hit the atmospheric Hill tells us “everybody is programmed to be on a Without many other similar events anywhere else Warning: may contain THC? Street Blues coffee shop to warm up. As the saying leash, our entire society. You don’t realise what’s in the world, the Cannabis Cup commands global goes, when in Amsterdam, do as the tourists do. As you’d expect, competition at this year’s Cannabis Cup was fi ercer HSB is your classic coffeeshop, dark, hazy and than ever, as companies far and wide competed for that most frequented by people who look like they popped in coveted of trophies. This year’s lucky winners are: for a doob in 1992 and just never really got around to leaving. For someone who ordinarily fi nds The Cannabis Cup dreadlocks repulsive, to say I was impressed by Barney’s Coffeeshop: Liberty Haze some of the examples on show so says a lot. Any- one who can grow it out and backcomb enough to Indica Cup look like Star Wars’ Bib Fortuna deserves credit. Reserva Privada: Kosher Kush A couple of drinks and a zoot of Hill Street’s fi n- est later and we were probably about as outwardly Sativa Cup lethargic as we were at the start, but inside we were Rare Darkness Seed Co: Moonshine Haze pumped. We shot each other the kind of look that gladiators give one another in the tunnel waiting to Imported Hash face the lions. We knew why we were here, so we The Green House: Exodus Green Cheese trundled out to the bus stop. Thankfully the good folks at High Times pro- Dutch Hash vided us with the perfect means of transport to get Barney’s Coffeeshop: Liberty Hash to and from the event. A far cry from the bog standard buses of London town, the ‘cannabus’ was kitted out with comfy chairs, strobe lights and – Want free press tickets to awesome events like the Cannabis Cup? of course – ashtrays. We rumbled through to the Well why not drop us a hearty email at [email protected]? misty outskirts of town as the reggae blared and conversations fl owed, as the residents of Amster- dam gawked at the big metal box of lunatics that Knocking shoulders with self-proclaimed LSD experts The Brotherhood of Eternal Love FELIX Friday 09 DECEMBER 2011 45 TRAVEL s: a Cannabis Cup special

Brown re-live whatever they can remember of this year’s High Times Cannabis Cup

for hand turning leaf material to separate the resin from the plant material”, that is effectively only useful in hash-making. Resembling a washing machine on it back, you place dry ice and your ‘leaf material’ into the drum and allow to spin before removing the mixture and shaking out the powdery precipitate. Cue wide-eyed gasps of awe as Mila’s assistant sprinkled light green snow over a glass-top coffee table and biblical scenes as the crowd swarmed to the front to collect a free sample. Speaking to Mila after the class, she shared with us a few croaky anecdotes of her time travelling Asia, perfecting the art of hashish. “I love Afghani hash! I love Afghanis!” attention. Whilst exhibitors tend to come from the we discovered psychadelics and, it was like, uh-oh!” retreated, stupefi ed, to some dark recess at the back With the Dutch government’s recent aborted at- small clutch of countries in which cannabis cultiva- Uh-oh indeed: the group rose to notoriety and unfor- of our minds. Either watching the passersby with va- tempt to tighten cannabis laws, the future of legisla- tion is legal (the homespun Dutch growers dominate tunately attracted the attention of the authorities, and cant eyes or locked into the mellowest game of Angry tion was a hot topic on the convention fl oor. Dale was the line-up), the attendees predominantly come from as such many members were arrested while the rest Birds we’ve ever played. After the umpteenth, we re- convinced that our generation would see the wide- the States. Naturally there are stereotypes of those scattered around the globe. solved to scrape ourselves off the fl oor and embark on spread decriminalization of cannabis, Dan Skye, High who smoke cannabis and each was ably represented When questioned about the use of drugs by younger the journey back. Times editor, was hopeful but tempered his optimism. at the Borchland. From the Lil Jon lookalike West people, the Brotherhood spokesperson went on to de- Having lost all inhibitions, it took a little while to Casually dressed and well spoken, Skye, who initially Coast gangsters to the hippies still committed to the scribe an alternative solution based on personal an- rationalise the diffi cult concepts of roads and traf- donated the press prizes to the Felix Travel competi- cause, from the nerdy hobbyists who do the science on ecdote: “the best time to get them [children] started fi c. After what felt like an eternity we hobbled from tion, had a good chat with us about his views. Un- their laptops to the well-to-do liberal thinkers who’ve is very young. If you catch them doing them alone, the bus into Amsterdam traffi c, crossed the road unsurprisingly, these mostly echoed Imperial’s very own retained their taste for green. However, common to simply take them by the hand and show them the path. scathed and clambered into chilly hostel beds, where Council Chairman Baroness Manningham-Buller and them all is an easy-going outlook, perhaps unlocked My daughter and I are now closer than ever: after tak- we remained unconscious for several hours. Professor David Nutt. by the safe environment that Amsterdam offers. ing LSD and gazing into each other’s eyes for hours, We awoke on day two refreshed and ready to face a “Current drugs policy needs some serious re-think- Having sampled the strains and products on of- she took me to new levels that I didn’t think were pos- solid day of investigative journalism. Instead of reiter- ing, and as long as people aren’t harming anyone they fer, we eventually plucked up the courage to venture sible.” Rather than turning a blind eye to drug con- ating the wake and bake of the fi rst day, we focused our should be allowed to use any substance they like,” backstage and put the press passes to good use. It was sumption, perhaps UK authorities could instead see attention on attending the countless sessions on offer said Dan. “We have to overcome this illogical drug at this point that we had a meet and greet with The the obvious benefi ts to the Brotherhood’s approach. at the expo. From a presentation on how to properly war and put aside the rhetoric and propaganda.” Cut- Brotherhood of Eternal Love, the infamous group of I would liken us to children in a sweetshop, except utilise fertiliser, to a hash making class, to jolly sing- ting through the hysteria – the proposed restrictions psychedelic drug enthusiasts and dealers that formed I imagine in the sweetshop they weren’t handing free alongs – High Times’ expo managed to encompass the on cannabis tourism were dropped a few weeks before in sunny California in the late 60’s, under a mutual samples of everything. Seeds here, bong-hits there, sublime, the ridiculous and everything in between. our visit – Dan was confi dent that the Cannabis Cup love for LSD and (amongst other things) vegetarian- buds the size of your fi st – it was Willy Wonka’s weed After attending a presentation on the endless benefi ts would go on for years to come in the Netherlands, re- ism. After witnessing their outstanding musical per- wet dream. Who knew there was so much pioneering of hemp, followed up by checking out the cracking gardless of what happens in his less liberal home in formance and poetry recital we were eager to fi nd out research in the fi eld of vaporizers, so much innovative rack on Miss High Times 2011, we proceeded to track the States. more about this curious bunch. engineering applied to grinders? Sadly, rather than be down some of the big names in the industry. Danny Danko, senior cultivation editor approaching One Brotherhood veteran, who wished to remain conscientious Charlie Buckets and resist the tempta- We took our seats at the front of a hash making class his tenth year at High Times, painted a less rosy pic- anonymous, gave us an insight into his early life: at- tion before our slightly pink eyes, we dived lungs fi rst led by the legendary hash professor Mila Jansen, who ture, telling us of his torment growing cannabis in the tentive Imperialites could learn a thing or two. “We into the occasion. spent 14 years living in India learning the ways of the face of draconian US laws. “I found it very stressful, used to surf all day, then spend our weekends crashing Two hours later, we were fl at on our backs in a locals. In 1995, she came to fame for developing the very hard on the psyche. All the secrecy and being in other schools’ parties and stealing their girls. And then quiet corner of the convention centre, each us having Pollinator, a device described as “a personal solution fear all the time, its not always a very natural way to live.” With unnerving undertones of a man oppressed, he explained how every time he leaves Amsterdam, he feels he is making a mistake but is too rooted to his life in his homeland. In the case of Danko, who grows reasonably large quantities at his home in New York, proposed that much of the paranoia they say comes from marijuana actually comes from marijuana pro- hibition. Resigned, he concluded, “after all, it’s just nutrients and fertilizer.” Even though we were strictly in Amsterdam on business, no trip would be complete without the man- datory victory lap through the red light district. Stoned as a rock and fl oppy as a 3 ½ inch fl oppy disk, Char- lie, Mandy and Meow-Meow parted ways and rendez- voused at Central Station a good 20 minutes later. The fl ight home was somewhat less problematic as the outward journey, and we sat in silence, struggling to compile our thoughts under the comfort of blankets. We staggered to our lectures feeling brighter and warmer than ever. To say that we are now richer for the experience would be an understatement. The combination of enlightened minds and magical herbs has made us all better people, and the wise words of the Brotherhood will stay with us for many reincarna- In spite of it being switched off, the visuals were still incredible... GREEN powder? That I CAN’T snort? Well, that makes a change... tions yet to come. 46 Friday 09 DECEMBER 2011 FELIX Travel Editors: Dushi Arumuganesan Chris Richardson TRAVEL [email protected] Christmas in the capital Dushi Arumuganesan’s guide to London’s most festive frolics this winter

ith just over two are juicier and there’s even a book weeks left to go, market to boot – the Southbank Cen- the capital has been tre’s Winter Festival is a must-do this transformed into a year. beautifully illumi- If however you feel that Christmas nated,W life-sized snow globe (minus the wouldn’t be the same without a ses- snow) in the countdown to Christmas sion on ice, then why not skate against day. So here’s your guide to enjoying some of London’s most striking back- the best of London’s Christmas high- drops on the temporary ice rinks be- lights this year. ing constructed all over the city? The As far as traditional Christmas fairs open-air rink at Westfi eld Stratford go, Hyde Park’s Winter Wonderland City provides views of the new Olym- may seem an obvious fi rst choice, and pic park, and Canary Wharf’s rink yes, there’s nothing to get you in the offers an equally imposing setting of mood quite like mulled wine, German the city’s most dizzying towers. Those bratwurst and knitted woollies. How- after more picturesque landscapes ever, for those of you who’d prefer to should head to the Tower of London, feast on your Bavarian bangers without Somerset House, the National History feeling as though you’ve been packed Museum or Hyde Park where the rinks into a tin of sardines, the Southbank are all set in the midst of London’s fa- Centre’s Winter Festival presents a mous landmarks. good alternative to Hyde Park. Over sixty market chalets spaced out along the south bank of the Thames offer “you cannot go wrong For best results, drop a couple of tabs of acid before hitting the rink: you’ll skate like a pro. Or perhaps not festive fare, both edible and otherwise, more or less identical to that of Winter with a Christmas Wonderland, but with the advantage Road market (open late every Wednes- from afar after dusk, but impressive most worth seeing. of fewer tourists, toddlers and Evel spent in London” day until Christmas day) in the East nonetheless. However, there are some equally Knievel wannabes armed with peram- End and the twice weekly Camden And of course, because it’s that time exceptional lighting displays off the bulators waiting to knock it all out of Passage market in Islington. of year again, minor celebrities have beaten path such as in the Angel, Is- your hands. More and more of us are resorting Finally, if you just want to spend been resurfacing all over the country, lington and on South Molton Street, Naturally no festival would be com- to online shopping each year in a bid time walking around London, soaking with D-list stars and reality show rem- where you can walk through incan- plete without its own carousel, and to avoid the frenzied crowds of shop- in the city’s Yuletide spirit, there is no nants everywhere being recruited for descent arches as you shop. Carnaby while Winter Wonderland’s may be pers at Oxford Street. For those of you shortage of places to go. Covent Gar- the action. London’s Christmas lights Street is an especially good spot for a set against a background of the beau- who haven’t given in yet, your best bet den has been revamped on all sides: in have been switched on, and there are romantic walk for two, beneath lit up tifully lit-up Observation Wheel, the when hunting for those quirky one- addition to the bewitching Christmas few surprises in the best of this year’s sprigs of mistletoe and holly garlands Southbank’s slightly smaller merry- of-a-kind Christmas gifts is to avoid lights, there has been a visual display bunch. If you begin your evening at of gargantuan proportions. go-round is dwarfed by the London more commercial shopping centres installed on the North East piazza in Trafalgar Square’s giant Norwegian Whichever of the above you choose Eye, no less. Admittedly there are no and districts, and instead trek it around the form of a digital painting that shifts Christmas tree, making your way to indulge in, you cannot go wrong other rides, let alone an ice rink, avail- some of London’s markets. Of course, between nativity scenes throughout the down the very festive Regent Street with a Christmas spent in London able at Southbank, but who needs that there’s Portobello Road and Spital- day. On Saturdays reindeer-petting is and under the dazzling snowfl akes of – this is one time when quantity and artifi cial rush when you’ve got the fi elds markets on either side of Lon- an activity on offer alongside all the Oxford Street before ending your night quality both compete with each other entirety of London’s skyline from the don, each overfl owing with vintage market stalls. Meanwhile, a 32 foot at St. Christopher’s Place surrounded to provide one of the best cities in the vantage point of Embankment pier in- clothes, books and ornaments. But tall topiary reindeer watches over the by fl oating baubles you would have world in which to live come winter- stead? The view is better, the sausages there’s more of the same at Columbia East piazza: an oddly frightening sight covered those of the capital’s lights time.

Tourists stop and gawk at Covent Garden’s big, red, throbbing balls. Aw, yeah... Generic Imperial student: “RUUUUUN! It’s Godzillaaaaa!” Volunteer in West Africa with

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www.facebook.com/GHEI.Ghana @GhanaGHEI gheinews.blogspot.com

GHEI is a USA and Ghana based, 501©3 registered NGO working in the Western Region of Ghana, speciﬁcally in the village of Humjibre and the surrounding district. Our mission is to promote educaon and improve health in young people through sustainable development pracces and community empowerment. Applications will be reviewed on January 15, 2012 48 Friday 09 DECEMBER 2011 FELIX

HANGMAN [email protected] On the twelfth The contents of Hangman’s fridge day of Christ- mas my tutor OH MY GOD EVERYTHING IS EXPIRED 6-pint carton of milk Loaf of bread (six months old) gave to me... You were mildly drunk shopping in Everyone in the house assumed it Sainsbury’s one night and set about was someone else’s, so it sits there 12 Horoscopes a scopin’ fi nding one with the earliest expiry unloved, untouched, unused. Rather date, giving yourself the challenge like your penis. When this anomaly 11 Twats twattering of fi nishing it before it goes bad. You fi nally comes to your attention you 10 Editors editing could do as the Mongolians and make open it, only to be showered in mold some sort of moonshine out of it, but spores. Your loaf of bread looks like 9(000) guys you end up turning it into cheese in- a giant blue Lego, except no toddler 8 Medics drinking stead. You cut the container open, let or sane human being is putting it in the congealed mass slide out onto the its mouth any time soon. Much like 7 Coursework deadlines fl oor and shrug. your penis. 6 Geeks a standing (in a corner in Metric) 5 O’nion rings 4 Chemists reacting 3 All-nighters You have no idea how big our problem is. They exhausted the beer 2 Lezzers lezzing so they moved on to the harder stuff And a drunk mate (or two) in a pear tree... Several bottles of beer Mousetrap The only things in the fridge that can The rodent problem in your house be counted on not to send alarm bells is so bad that the buggers have suc- Merry Christmas from ringing at the Centre for Disease Con- ceeded in gnawing through the back. Hangman. Now, start revis- tol, and that’s only because the micro- On the upside, at least now you can organisms already in it were like “fuck eat your housemates’ leftovers with- ing for your exams you shit- this” and died from alcohol poisoning. out retribution since you can blame bags. Oh, and no, he/she While chugging the bottle you con- the mice. Mice with huge teeth and template how great life as a yeast is, jaws, you tell them. Blaming them next to you doesn’t want You wanted snow? Look, there’s snow. Merry fucking Christmas. This provided it’s inside a barrel and not the on the “droppings” you leave in image now contains something our Editor wants. Food. We starve him type between some skank’s legs. Wait, there is a whole different kettle of to hear your ‘witty remark’ to keep him delirious enough to allow some leeway with Hangman about their work. I don’t both are actually pluses, damn yeast. fi sh, though – just use the toilet. care that you’ve been perfecting the wording for the last hour and coming up with follow up conversa- DRUNKEN MATES tion. You are not ‘in there’. You weren’t going to say OF THE WEEK hi anyway. I know that you said “When the time on the clock is half past that’s my deadline to open” but we both know the truth. Back to library toilet mas- turbation for you then. Don’t forget to catch your friends making dicks out of themselves on New Year’s Eve. Then get permission and send the evidence in for a Drunken Mate of the Week to: He must’ve felt a bit dirty after hitting on that Oompa-Lumpa at 568 These two have both had trouble fi nding a girlfriend, so they decided [email protected] and needed a shower. He forgot the undressing part, though to help each other out. Any hole’s a goal, right? FELIX Friday 09 DECEMBER 2011 49 HANGMAN the turnip Horoscopes* Hangman’s Finest College News Source * This caption was the same as last week. Go on, check if you don’t believe me. Library Café sells responsibly sourced dolphin Aries Taurus This week you are at a Christmas party This week you go ice skating at the when Mariah Carey’s ‘All I want for Natural History museum Ice Rink. Tired Little girls across world horrifi ed Christmas is you’ comes on. This is to- of being out-done by the flocks of irri- tally your song. You go mental and start tatingly talented 5 year olds, you try to n an attempt to become more tracked down for an interview and throwing shapes on the fl oor while sing- show off by skating backwards and do- environmentally aware, ca- asked why the animal rights group ing at the top of your voice. Could be ing a spin. You wake up 4 hours later in tering at the Library Café has appeared to have no problem with the worse, you could be writing about how Chelsea and Westminster hospital with moved towards serving food dolphin catch. amazing your phone is in a newspaper. an IQ of 52. You become a politician. that has less impact on the envi- “Dolphins are clever enough to fend Ironment, including dolphin curry once for themselves, fuck them. Tuna, on a week, starting from next month. the other hand, are rather defenceless. Gemini Cancer What makes the controversial menu Did you know that tuna are warm- option green is that it comes from fi sh- blooded? We’re warm-blooded as This week you are at a Christmas party This week it’s intensely cold. Like seri- eries that make sure they only catch well. They don’t deserve this treat- when a ‘girl’ starts going mental to Mari- ously really cold. As your aching bones dolphins, either returning other spe- ment. I’m glad fi shermen have begun ah Carey’s ‘All I want for Christmas is protest when you try and get out of your cies into the water or using special adopting tuna-friendly catching meth- you’, she knocks your bottle of Peroni sleeping bag, you realise occupy LSX is a nets that let smaller species through, ods.” The interview ended abruptly from your hand with one of her ‘dance complete waste of time, pack up your stuff, like tuna. Tuna bycatches in dolphin when the beef burgers were brought moves’. You decide there and then that go home and become a normal, function- fi shing have been the cause of a great in. The representative gave no expla- Turns out their blowholes aren’t you hate Christmas and decide to do ing member of society. Was that so hard? deal of protest by Greenpeace, and nation as to why he refused to answer meant for THAT. Come on, why something about it. It is going to massive. You chuckle about hard meaning erect. also PETA, an activist of which was any further questions. are they that shape? Screw PETA Leo. Virgo This week you are Mariah Carey. As This week your parents ring you up with every week in December for the and ask what you want for Christmas. last 17 years, a massive royalties cheque “Damnit guys you know I became Christmas (n.) lands on your door mat. Just when you a Wicca New Age Vampire when I HANGMAN 1. The day Christians gather round to start thinking what you’re going to do came to uni” you shout down the line completely disregard Jesus’s sacrifi ces with the money, you notice an enraged and hang up. On December 25th your for mankind by eating food that’d keep geek shuffling up your driveway holding mum hands you a Christmas card with DICTIONARY Sub-Saharan Africans going for weeks. what looks like a Bunsen burner. You “You were always a disappointment” scream for 1 minute, ranging 3 octaves. scrawled on Baby Jesus’s face. MISINFORMING IMPERIAL SINCE 1984 2. The day atheists also disregard Jesus Christ’s sacrifi ces, just like any other day of the year. Libra Scorpio 3. The day spoilt single children of This week you fi nd yourself still hun- This week your flatmates are decorating wealthy parents throw a tantrum be- gover from last night’s Christmas party the Christmas tree in the living room. You cause they got a silver-plated PS3 when and jet lagged from your fl ight to LA, don’t help, but instead play Deus Ex. You they explicitly asked for gold. Fuck off stood in Mariah Carey’s front room with come downstairs 4 hours later to find that and die. her lifeless body in front of you and a the mixture of mulled wine and tinsel blood splattered Bunsen burner in hand. made the whole affair descend into a mass- Eggnog (n.) This could yet turn out to be the best festive-sex-orgy. You hate it when you 1. An unholy matrimony of eggs, Christmas ever. miss your flatmates sex orgies. sugar, milk and some sort of alcoholic beverage. It’s a drink that thinks it’s a cake. Sagittarius Capricorn Christmas pudding (n.) 1. Santa’s way of tricking you into eat- 2. WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? This week you’re Noddy Holder, sat inside This week you wonder why a leading ing fruit during the holiday season, in Oh, right, yes I’ll have a refi ll if you’re your reinforced concrete panic room. You institute full of people who spend their between all the meat and booze. offering. can’t be too careful with the Christmas entire lives being analytical get excited Number 1 serial killer, known in tabloids as about a day commemorating the intense 2. A sweet dessert that defi es all logic 3. A drink that’s as overfl owing with “The Grinch” still on the prowl. You hear labour pains of a woman that got knocked by improving in fl avour the longer it’s calories as it is with the letter g. Like a rattling in your air duct. No. He’s found up by an imaginary bird-man working for kept in the cupboard. A lazy student’s my semenggggggggggggggggggggg. you! You, like everyone else, had hoped an invisible being. Pushing the thoughts to dream. that he’d only go for X-Factor winners. one side, you tuck into a Lindt Reindeer. Mistletoe (n.) 3. “Giving her a Christmas pudding” – taking a beer shit on your partner’s 1. The most effective way of messing Aquarius Pisces chest after sex while wearing a Santa with Imperialites over Christmas. The hat. If you’ve been naughty in the odds of two men standing underneath This week you burst out of the air This week you are still the brunette in the bedroom it’s what you’ll get for Christ- it are alarmingly high. vent into Noddy Holder’s panic room, yellow jumper with gold studded black mas. Bonus points if delivered down a screaming “IT’S CHRIIIISTMAAASSS gloves smoking in the entrance to Sher- chimney. 2. The street name for rohypnol. MOTHERFUCKER!” you pick up the field last Wednesday, you still haven’t nearest platform shoe and bring it smashing called. 07515789751, don’t keep me down onto his head. “Bah, Humbug” you waiting baby. I’ve got something big in mutter, crossing the last name off your list. my stocking for you… (it’s my penis). 50 Friday 09 december 2011 FELIX Puzzles Editor: James Hook

PUZZLES [email protected] Last Week’s Solutions Crossword It’s that time of year when I unveil my Christmas tree! As you can see, it is stylishly decorated with red and gold, but it looks a bit bare without some clue answers, don’t you agree? Red Synonymous Songs tinsel indicates clue ends and gold baubles spell out something that may be found beneath this 1 tree at this time of year from top to bottom, which can be written at 23 across. Merry Christmas everyone! 2 3 1. Smells like teen spirit 4 5 2. Like a rolling stone Across Down 3. Jailhouse Rock 2. Extended period of time (3) 1. Students have performed 4. Walking in a winter wonder- 4. Number of points; 20 (5) these in response to tuition fee 6 12 land 6. Ideal goal (5) rises (8) 5. Saturday night fever 7. e.g. 27th December 2011 (7) 3. Fleet of warships (6) 7 6. Circle of life 8. Base 8 (5) 5. Feel concern or interest (4) 8 918 1915 10 7. Chelsea dagger 11. Remains; with 14d, 70s rock 6. Two people doing things, 8. DJ got us falling in love band (3) esp. in entertainment (3) 11 12 13 14 15 9. Man in the mirror 13. Exchange (4) 9. Treat made from roasted 16 1824 19 25 10. Every rose has its thorn 2317 16. Praises formally and elo- seeds commonly consumed at 18 quently (9) Easter (9) 18. Artist - works include 10. Fictional dog created by 19 21 20 22 Guernica and The Old Guitar- Eric Knight (6) Nonogram 21 ist (7) 12. Throw; strap (5) 19. Characterised by unwilling- 14. Commonly broken after 25

ness or inability to take action eating Turkey; see 11a (8) 22 (2-7) 15. Unskilled worker (4) 21. Christmas song by James 17. Positioned above; immi- 23 Lord Pierpont (6,5) nent (4) 23. Yellowish-brown colour (3) 20. 2nd largest US state by area and population (5) Word Wheel SLITHERLINK H N 3 TARGET: 25 L A Crosswords 3 3 2 A Make as many words of at least QUICK(ish) - Across 1. Arch 3. Freed 2 0 2 0 2 2 4 letters as you can, always using the E A 6. Cast 11. Diamond 12. Erotica 13. central one. NO plurals, conjugated Ratty 14. Motorcade 15. Armaments 3 1 123 3 verbs, comparatives or superlatives, V C 18. Leafy 20. Mango 21. Sandstorm because I said so.. There is always at 23. Iron Cross 26. Petal 27. Beetles least one 9 letter word. 28. Open air 29. X-ray 30. Yemen 3 2 31. Beta Down: 1. Andorra 2. Crafts- man 4. Rudiments 5. Erect 7. Anita 2 32 8. Tragedy 10. No frills 16. Mooncalf 17. Sandstone 19. About face 20. 3 2 1 2 1 ChessSoc Chess Mailbox 22. Malaria 24. Opera 25. Ossie 26. Poem 3 3 323

CRYPTIC - Across 1. Godfather 6. 223 1 1 1 2 Kebab 9. Adverse 10. Missive 11. End 12. Crackerjack 14. Peddle 15. 2 3 2 2 Anaconda 17. Nocturne 19. Strict 22. Loose change 23. Lob 25. In- ducer 27. Thought 28. Scrap 29. De- cathlon Down: 1. Glade 2. Divided The aim with Slitherlink is to four edges have lines. That’s all 3. Agriculture 4. Haemal 5. Remak- make one continuous closed the info you need to get the one ing 6. Kos 7. Britain 8. Breakfast loop by connecting the dots. logical answer (though waiting a 13. Rock the boat 14. Penalties 16. The numbers in each square in- week to see the solution will also Anchored 18. Chowder 20. Illegal 21. dicate how many edges of the do). Answers to puzzles.felix@ Enatic 24. Baton 26. Cop square are part of the loop, so imperial.ac.uk, as the puzzles if it contains a “2”, you know team recieves one hour off for that two and only two out of Christmas per correct solution. Chess Contributions wanted! A beautiful ﬁ nish from black follows If you’d like to contribute by sending in puzzles, comics after the surprising 1...Rd5!! with or even some editing, e-mail puzzles.felix@imperial. the idea of 2...Rh5+ and 3...g5 ac.uk. Be they horrendously complicated things or funky which is pretty much unstoppable picture puzzles you think readers would like, do get in touch. General suggestions are also welcome. FELIX Friday 09 december 2011 51 PUZZLES

X R Wordoku YES, THE WORDOKU IS BACK WITH A CHRISTMAS E C M BANG!

E M E A The traditional wordoku has every row, column and 3x3 box containing one letter each. the edn result is arather A C useless word or phrase that appears in one of the rows or E X E A H C columns. This time, however, one letter appears twice and only E X E twice in each row, column and 3x3 box. Little curve ball S X M for you there... As usual, answers to [email protected] R E S E A H M E S MERRY CHRISTMAS FUCWIT The Felix University/College- Cryptic Crosswords? League Leader Board Wide Invitational Tournament EVERYONE! TTeams:eams: League is new and improved, No Thanks! Elbowfart 64 with prizes for both the winning Having trouble with the Fe- It’s been a pleasure doing the The Jailbaits 61 team and the winning individual. lix cryptic crosswords in the puzzles and seeing everyone Points are awarded for each sports section? No idea what send in solutions every week Pegasus & Parrots 52 puzzle solved, double if you’re it all means or would like to (especially the cryptic cross- the ﬁ rst correct solution. know why some answers words, which I struggle to solve Paddy Got Bummed 42 are as they are? Contact despite creating them!) and [email protected] the banter that comes with it. Cum Puzzling Sluts 26 Send your solutions to: with the subject line “Cryp- And a Christmas present to you [email protected] tic Help”. You’ll be sent an all from puzzles as a reward... Ludibrium Lads 14 for points galore! introduction to how cryptic crosswords work and what to a scribble space??? YES! Team Nuclear 8 look out for. Each week you’ll We’ll call it a create-your-own also receive complete expla- puzzles section. IIndividuals:ndividuals: nations to the answers in the Jeremy Neale 73 previous week’s Felix cryptic crossword. Wael Aljeshi 26

QFDROIMFVWZ A B C D E F G H I J K L M CRYPTOGRAMS N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Welcome to another round of cryptograms. Each letter has been encoded so it stands for a different letter. In the end, a poignant quote and the person who said it will appear. N L O D L G V L W N Z L N D Z Y

P I B Q Z D B Y L . M B N B D E Y S E V Y S O G Y L H Y L I -

M B G D S I T S I Q Y Many thanks to the over 200 individuals who have helped to make Felix this term.

We’ll still be kicking around online over the break, though.

If you haven’t got involved yet, why not now? FELIX The student voice of Imperial College London since 1949 Visit felixonline.co.uk Email [email protected] Follow @feliximperial on Twitter Search Felix on Facebook FELIX Friday 09 December 2011 53 Sport Editors: Indy Leclercq David Wilson [email protected] SPORT Silverware galore for Men’s and Women’s fencers make ICBC in ﬁ rst term progress in BUCS knockouts

Indy Leclercq ...Continued from Back Page trip to Belushi’s in the evening. second places behind strong crews in The fi nal race of the season, Scullers’ the elite quad (Laura Greenhalgh/Mel Head, was held on Saturday and once Wilson/Mathilde Pauls/Klara Weaver) again ICBC performed spectacularly and Intermediate 1 coxed four (Rosa with fi ve of the top ten places taken by Atkinson/Louise Connell/Hannah Pat- Imperial athletes. Adam Freeman-Pask terson/Chloe Symmonds/cox: Libby won the event, despite receiving a pen- Richards). Further top three places alty for “unsportsmanly behaviour”. were taken in the Intermediate 1 quad Adam is now offi cially Tideway king, (Tim Richards/Tom Pearson/Mark Pat- having also won the Wingfi eld Sculls terson/Alex Gillies), the Intermediate 1 race when he smashed an “unbeatable” coxed four, in spite of only having had record by 17s. Sam Scrimgeour took 3 outings together before the race (Jack 5th place overall while racing with Cadman/Will Todd/Pierre Thomas/Leo someone else’s blades after his broke Carrington/cox: Connie Pidoux), and on the journey up to the start. Intra-club the women’s elite four (Lucinda Goo- rivalry was rife as Wilf Kimberley, Hal derham/Amy Propsting/Lizzie Cottrell/ Bradbury and Josh Butler came 8th, Cloudy Carnegie). 9th and 10th overall, with less than 5s It is not just the senior squad that have separating them. Tim Richards contin- been out defending IC’s honour on the ued to build on earlier form in the sea- river. This year, the boat club has had a son and won the Novice category (15th good intake of novices of both guys and overall). girls. With the new experiences of sit- As well as cracking results through ting in “tubs”, learning to row and how the autumn, ICBC have played as hard to erg properly, the novices have come as they’ve trained with after-race par- on leaps and bounds since starting in ties galore. The infamous toga party Apparently no-one told them you’re supposed to hit with the tip of the blade October and at the end of November continues to draw a big crowd and were given their fi rst true taste of row- this year saw the fi rst annual ICBC vs. Indy Leclercq twyth, having made the somewhat epic now face Bristol in the quarters of the ing – racing! A coach of rowers, coxes ICSMBC pub crawl with “boat races” Fencing journey all the way to the West coast of Championship. and coaches made their way to Cam- between men’s 1st, women’s 1st, men’s Wales. The Men’s Firsts and Women’s In Prince’s gardens, the men made short bridge early one morning. In between novices and women’s novices (some Imperial’s fencing teams produced Seconds were both hosting matches at work of Keele, coming out 135-81 vic- the getting lost in Cambridgeshire, serious practise may be required in this a solid set of results last week in the Ethos, against Keele Firsts and Oxford tors and booking a place versus Durham boat-stopping crabs, rushed boating, area…). Preparation for next term is al- BUCS knockout championships to en- seconds respectively. in the next stage of the competition. blade clashing and unexpected bank ready in full swing as the focus moves sure their progress to the quarter-fi nals. The Women’s Firsts were away to UCL The Women’s Seconds had the easiest landings, the novices coped brilliantly to bigger boats, BUCS, Eights Heads of Only the Men’s Seconds suffered an – not a huge distance to travel. In the win of all, though, as their opponents and made the most of the day with a the River and the Henley Regattas. unfortunate loss at the hands of Aberys- event they won the match, 133-96, and failed to send a team. Bring on the rest!.

The Orange County Register Selected results Christmas

Results are taken from the BUCS website and no RUGBY UNION responsibility is taken for any inaccuracies. Sport Wednesday 7th December Men’s 1st 41 Kent 1st 15 BASKETBALL Men’s 2nd 24 Photo of the Men’s 2nd 135 Kent 2nd 26 Essex 3rd 41 SQUASH Week GOLF Men’s 1st 0 Essex 1st 5 (Don’t worry, this only hap- Mixed 1st 0 Kingston 2nd 0 Men’s 2nd 2 pens once a year) UCL 2nd 3

LACROSSE TABLE TENNIS

Women’s 1st 7 Men’s 2nd 14 UCL 1st 8 Brunel 1st 3

NETBALL TENNIS

Women’s 3rd 10 Women’s 1st 12 Westminster 1st 25 Essex 1st 0 54 Friday 09 December 2011 FELIX Sport Editors: Indy Leclercq David Wilson SPORT [email protected] Felix Sports League Coming soon to a pavement ...where do you stand? near you: Imperial SB

Ed Brial Team P W D L F A Diff Index

1 Fencing W1 5 5 0 0 403 233 170 5.00 2 ICSM Football M2 3 3 0 0 11 6 5 5.00 3 ICSM Hockey W2 2 2 0 0 10 1 9 5.00 4 Lacrosse W2 1 1 0 0 7 2 5 5.00 5 Tennis M1 4 4 0 0 38 10 28 5.00 6 Tennis W1 5 5 0 0 56 4 52 5.00 7 Ultimate Frisbee 1st 3 3 0 0 45 9 36 5.00 8 Hockey W1 6 5 1 0 15 3 12 4.50 9 Rugby M1 8 7 0 1 242 149 93 3.88 10 Badminton W1 5 3 2 0 25 15 10 3.80 11 Fencing M1 5 4 0 1 585 460 125 3.20 12 Hockey M2 5 4 0 1 23 10 13 3.20 13 Table Tennis W1 5 4 0 1 19 6 13 3.20 14 Basketball M1 7 4 0 0 465 380 85 2.86 15 ICSM Badminton W1 4 3 0 1 18 14 4 2.75 16 Badminton M1 5 3 1 1 27 13 14 2.60 17 Squash W1 5 3 1 1 11 9 2 2.60 18 Tennis M2 6 3 2 1 40 32 8 2.50 19 Fencing W2 6 4 0 2 564 585 -21 2.00 20 ICSM Hockey W1 4 2 1 1 23 9 14 2.00 21 Lacrosse W1 6 4 0 2 85 36 49 2.00 22 Netball W1 6 4 0 2 240 195 45 2.00 23 Football M1 7 3 2 2 12 10 2 1.57 24 Badminton M2 5 3 0 2 13 19 -6 1.40 25 Basketball W1 5 3 0 2 278 223 55 1.40 26 Lacrosse M1 5 3 0 2 51 27 24 1.40 27 ICSM Badminton M2 4 1 2 1 15 17 -2 1.25 28 Football M3 7 4 0 3 13 14 -1 1.14 The sign clearly states pedestrians should walk to the left of the rider. What do you mean I get a £50 fine? 29 Hockey W2 6 3 1 3 6 26 -20 0.83 30 Football M2 7 3 1 3 17 19 -2 0.71 31 Fencing M2 6 3 0 3 697 683 14 0.50 Dan Hyde We meet up every Wednesday, Friday and group and join. It provides a forum for news, 32 Futsal M1 4 2 0 2 18 27 -9 0.50 Skateboarding/BMX Sunday for park and street sessions. Wednes- photos, videos and most importantly details of 33 ICSM Football M1 2 1 0 1 4 6 -2 0.50 day and Sunday sessions tend to be held at upcoming sessions! If you don’t have Face- 34 ICSM Netball W1 2 1 0 1 82 72 10 0.50 Imperial fi nally has (or at least very shortly skateparks and Friday sessions reserved for book contact Ed Brial ([email protected]) and 35 ICSM Netball W2 2 1 0 1 52 50 2 0.50 will have) an offi cial Union sanctioned BMX street, but this depends on the weather forecast we’ll add you to the mailing list (when it goes 36 ICSM Netball W4 2 1 0 1 47 50 -3 0.50 and Skateboard Society, so we introduce to and prevailing mood gauged by the Facebook live). Newcomers and experienced skaters/rid- 37 ICSM Rugby M3 4 2 0 2 88 90 -2 0.50 you, Imperial SB! group. Just Facebook “SB Imperial” to fi nd the ers are welcome, so if you put up your board or 38 Squash M3 6 3 0 3 10 19 -9 0.50 39 Table Tennis M2 6 3 0 3 53 49 4 0.50 Dan Hyde 40 Rugby M2 7 3 0 4 92 132 -40 -0.14 claw yourself from 41 Golf Mixed 1st 4 1 1 2 7 10 -3 -0.25 42 Table Tennis M1 5 2 0 3 38 47 -9 -0.40 the morass of 43 Basketball M2 3 1 0 2 225 195 30 -1.00 44 ICSM Badminton M1 3 1 0 2 10 14 -4 -1.00 coursework...and 45 ICSM Rugby M1 3 1 0 2 52 104 -52 -1.00 46 ICSM Rugby M2 3 1 0 2 32 135 -103 -1.00 enjoy some fast, 47 Netball W3 6 2 0 4 109 100 9 -1.00 48 Rugby M3 7 2 0 5 100 120 -20 -1.43 simple fun 49 Hockey M1 7 1 0 4 9 30 -21 -1.57 “ 50 Football W1 4 1 0 3 4 35 -31 -1.75 bike when you came to Imperial, claw yourself 51 Netball W2 5 1 0 4 95 164 -69 -2.20 from the morass of coursework and lab reports 52 Squash M1 5 1 0 4 3 22 -19 -2.20 and enjoy some fast, simple fun. 53 Hockey M3 6 1 0 5 7 18 -11 -2.50 We aim to build a non-competitive group of 54 ICSM Netball W5 4 0 1 3 25 185 -160 -2.50 riders to enjoy London’s plethora of skateparks 55 Squash M2 6 1 0 5 11 18 -7 -2.50 and spots. The group will also have media ten- 56 Squash M4 6 1 0 5 3 15 -12 -2.50 tacles and travelling legs,” photographing and 57 Fencing M3 4 0 0 4 437 521 -84 -4.00 fi lming whatever goes down , whilst planning 58 Hockey M4 5 0 0 5 3 38 -35 -4.00 some National and International trips in the fu- 59 ICSM Basketball M1 1 0 0 1 46 64 -18 -4.00 ture. Watch out for our pub skate-crawl at the 60 ICSM Hockey M1 3 0 0 3 6 26 -20 -4.00 start of next term, where we’ll aim to get ev- 61 ICSM Hockey M2 3 0 0 3 3 19 -16 -4.00 eryone together and kickstart Imperial’s BMX 62 ICSM Hockey M3 1 0 0 1 0 3 -3 -4.00 and skateboard community. 63 ICSM Hockey W3 1 0 0 1 0 7 -7 -4.00 So if you’re interested, Facebook “SB Impe- 64 ICSM Netball W3 3 0 0 3 26 106 -80 -4.00 rial” and join, or email Ed, turn up to one of the sessions (we’ll share our boards and bikes 5 points for a win | 2 points for a draw | -4 points for a loss if you don’t have one yet) and we’ll help fi lm/ Busting an ollie while the camera looks the other way. Smart photo/ride/skate with you. FELIX Friday 09 December 2011 55 SPORT Fives: much more than Cryptic Crossword 1,505 just a prime number 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 10 Abhishek Bhattacharya

11 12 12 15

1316 1417 18 14 1915 152016

16 21

1722 18 23 1824 19 19 25 20

262220 2321 24 22 23 25

2624 25 27

2628 29

Across Down

1. Snare girl for love (5) 1. Myths surrounding a thousand fruits (5) 4. Furry critter cut back with trim to start 2. Nic Massie maybe needs cleansing on with dull pain afterwards. This? (9) holy day (7) 9. Lawless bros met gang member (7) 3. Motors’ components too absurd! (9) 10. Listen to three points by dead messengers 4. Register and French exchange (6) (7) 5. Finished man above molten lava. Disaster! 11. Shoot a holy man who’s inside TV drama (8) So that’s what they’re using the decommissioned nuclear bunkers for (4,5) 6. On head, this is a ring-like accessory! (5) 12. One having fabrication about space being 7. Astronomer looking up in one’s bag (7) (5) 8. Necessary new lateness I introduced (9) Abhishek Bhattacharya was blood, sweat and many a tear shed cessfully staying determined enough to 13. Beached remains of unrefined rock (6) 13. Smack right into a debt with flier (9) Fives for University bragging rights as we progress into the quarter-fi nals of the 14. Drink a right one after generating a quid 15. Leaders of drones been jittery amidst took down 5 players, 3 of whom, in the plate. (8) rows without Union (5,4) What is fi ves? Read on to the very end, form of Christopher Clarke, Mitul Pa- Christopher in his own inimitable 17. Type of copper may be top high-ranking 16. Turkey preparation strategy (4,4) and you could get involved and start lan and George Shillam were complete style eased into the semi-fi nals, taking officer (5,3) 18. Recommend application overturned for your beautiful career. fresh faces to the Universities tourna- no mercy on his opponents, crushing 19. Person writing letters to criminal outside both (7) Imperial College Fives society kicked ment circuit. Their progressive game- Cambridge, Oxford and Durham, but prison at first (3,3) 20. Relatively expert informant, one (3,4) off a promising start to the season af- play was very impressive, which meant encountered diffi cult opposition in the 22. Apathetic, backwards animal to identify 21. One subsequently head of Sparta, the ter representing at the Universities Eton they were truly ambidextrous by the end semi-fi nals against a Loughborough (5) Greek city (6) Fives Championships at Eton College of the day, and striking hard cross court player, who went on to take the title. 24. The Spanish may not turn up for Gospel 23. Doctor brought up toilet water (5) on 12th November and in the BUCS shots any professional would be proud Michael and Christopher also rep- by singer (5,4) 25. Lowest point in fortunes with no room Rugby Fives Championships at Marl- of. resented the doubles tournament, and 26. Winning consistently, as you may find surrounding defence (5) borough College. Our fi rst pair, Abhishek Bhattacha- played impressively to reach the Plate bacon? (2,1,4) In fi ves, a ball is propelled against the rya and Alun Meredith battled hard af- quarters! In all, Imperial reached an 27. Green with envy at first before period of walls of a special court using gloved or ter missing out on the group stages to impressive 5th place out of 10. time in 1450 (7) bare hands as though they were a rac- beat Manchester and Exeter and prog- Massive thanks for all the members 28. Extra work teams split up by rule (9) quet. Basically, you could say it was ress into the Plate Finals, where they taking part so far in Fives Society, but of 29. I interrupted major degree (5) squash’s naughty ambidextrous steps- persevered but had to settle for runner- course, we are on the lookout for more! ibling. up against a strong Queen Mary’s pair, If you’re looking for a sport to do on Rugby fi ves is very much that, a fast sadly losing 15-8. Wednesday afternoons, that is mega and furious game played with hands The BUCS Rugby Fives Champion- cheap and cheerful (we won’t bite!), petition or two, so keep reading! and can be played in doubles or singles. ships a fortnight later saw 3 players in then do contact us at fi ves@imperial. Merry Christmas from Eton Fives is a solely doubles game, the form of Michael Squire, Abhishek ac.uk . We were told to inject some Christ- and was modelled on the walls of Eton Bhattacharya and our resident expert We are lucky to have expert coaches the Felix Sport editors! mas cheer into the section but Chapel, and involves playing in a 3 Christopher Burrows (currently rated amongst our members so there is no pri- thought that photoshopping red walled court with a buttress on the left, 13th nationally) locking horns against or experience needed – indeed 2 of our We hope you’ve enjoyed the hats and snowfl axes into every and many ledges to render the game the other Universities, representing in players in our tournaments have started pages of Felix Sport this term, picture would be a bit heavy-hand- fast, furious and very unpredictable! both the singles and doubles tourna- from scratch! Our membership at a re- from the interviews to the match ed (so we just did it on the back So, fi rst off, with the Eton Fives ments. cession busting £2 a year, and our ses- reports to the not-always-accurate page). Anyway, don’t completely Championships, this year, as we had so They all fought with a determined at- sions are currently free to all members! league table (we do our best!) Next forget to train over the holidays, many players, we are able to represent titude with Michael and Abhishek, fi rst We look forward to seeing you in the term, more interviews are planned so you can come back to London prestigious institution and form an au- timers on the BUCS circuit, unable to court! tonomous Imperial College team. There pass through the group stages, but suc- as well as possibly the odd com- in January and WIN! Cheers! SPORTISSUEISSUE 15051 09.12.11

Jet Photographic Blades of glory: a successful term for IC rowers Elizabeth Richards reports on the winning performances of the Boat Club so far

14-Medal Haul for IC Judokas

mperial College Boat Club has go on, with six category wins as well squad also set the standard high for this bests were beaten by several club mem- Despite an incredibly tough fi eld in started the academic year with as the fastest overall time of the day year. Two further pots were brought bers and, despite the usual tough condi- the Fours’ Head of the River on bon- some incredible results. From from alumnus and GB rower, Adam back to the boathouse as Hester Good- tions on the water, more medals were fi re night, with many past and future the outset, Imperial students, Freeman-Pask, and his doubles partner sell took half the win for Imperial in the won. Cloudy Carnegie and Hannah Olympians racing, Imperial still man- both past and present, have Jamie Kirkwood. Imperial crews were elite mixed doubles and Chloe Sym- Patterson brought home the gold in the aged to make their mark. The Inter- shownI strength in depth across the also the second, third and fi fth fastest monds and Helen Wood won their cat- women’s pair, while Tim Richards and mediate 2 coxed four (Jonny Rankin/ men’s and women’s squads and brought pairs overall with three more category egory, only being beaten by elite pairs. Tom Pearson took silver in the light- Rory Sullivan/Ben Spencer Jones/Ali home the silverware to prove it. wins provided by Josh Butler and Mark At BUCS Small Boats Head in Bos- weight double and Hal Bradbury and Hudson/cox: Jess Johnson) demolished The fi rst race of the season was Patterson, Danny Bellion and Matt ton, Lincolnshire, athletes were hoping Ben Spencer Jones took bronze in the their competition by a country mile Pairs’ Head of the River in early Oc- Monteith, and Ali Hudson and Leo to shine in front of the GB selectors and double, between them accumulating 26 while the women’s squad took two tober. ICBC began as they meant to Carrington respectively. The women’s did not fail to disappoint. Ergo personal BUCS points in the process. ...Continued on Page 53 SCIENCE COMMENT ARTS GAMES FOOD

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