Guideposts Through Grief Helpful Information for the Recently Bereaved
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GUIDEPOSTS THROUGH GRIEF HELPFUL INFORMATION FOR THE RECENTLY BEREAVED The days, weeks and months that follow the death of a loved one can sometimes be surprisingly difficult. Coping with the losses and challenges associated with the • Community Care Hospice death of a loved one can feel akin to being routed miles off the Interstate and into • Hospice of Central Ohio unfamiliar territory without a map. We believe that just as a good map could be quite • Ohio’s Community Mercy Hospice useful on an unexpected road detour, having a “map” as you enter the territory of • Ohio’s Hospice at United Church Homes grief and loss can be very beneficial as well. While everyone’s grief experience will • Ohio’s Hospice LifeCare be uniquely personal, knowing what the “territory of loss and grief” looks like can • Ohio’s Hospice Loving Care be very reassuring. Much unnecessary suffering can be prevented through accurate • Ohio’s Hospice of Butler & Warren Counties information and realistic expectations. • Ohio’s Hospice of Dayton • Ohio’s Hospice of Fayette County The articles that follow are designed to provide you and your family with helpful • Ohio’s Hospice of Miami County information about various aspects of the grieving process. Also included is information about grief support services available through our Pathways of Hope grief “GRIEF IS NOT A DISORDER, counseling centers as well as a list of helpful books and internet resources. You will A DISEASE OR A SIGN notice that the center insert provides current information about specific grief support or grief education groups as well as information related to upcoming memorial OF WEAKNESS. IT IS AN services. Throughout the coming year, you will continue to receive our quarterly EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL AND newsletter, the “Bridge,” which will provide additional information about grief and SPIRITUAL NECESSITY, THE carry the most current information about groups and other services. PRICE YOU PAY FOR LOVE. Please know that it truly has been our privilege to care for your loved one. It THE ONLY CURE FOR GRIEF IS remains our privilege to remain available to you and your family as you make the adjustments and adaptations that will be required in the coming months. TO GRIEVE.” — Earl Grollman INSIDE 2 A Bill of Rights for 6 Sleeplessness: A 12 When to Seek Grieving People Common Concern Professional Support 3 Grief 101: A Basic 7 The Loneliness of Loss 13 Individual Grief Primer Counseling: What to 8 The Needs of Grieving Expect 3 Make Self-Care a Children Priority 14 Bereavement Support 9 Helping Grieving Groups: Could They Be 4 The Experience of Children Right for Me? Grief: More Than 10 Signs of Healing Feelings 15 What Others Need to 10 The Cemetery: To Visit Know 5 How We Grieve: or Not to Visit? Understanding 15 When Will the Grief Differences 11 Facing the Problem of Get Easier? the “Stuff ” 5 Setting Appropriate 16 Additional Expectations 12 Frequently Asked Bereavement Questions About Resources 6 Planning for Difficult Pathways of Hope Days NW_HOD_20200612_Guidepost_09~1179.indd 1 6/19/20 10:07 AM A BILL OF RIGHTS FOR GRIEVING PEOPLE 1. You have the right to grieve in your own way and at your own pace. Although grieving people may find many commonalities with one another, no two people grieve in exactly the same way or at the same speed. No one can tell you how you “should” grieve or at what pace. 2. You have the right to whatever grief emotions you are feeling. Sadness, anxiety, anger, confusion, relief and guilt can all be part of the grief experience. 3. You have the right to cry without apologies. We seem to be hard-wired for tears as a way of releasing and expressing pent-up emotions. 4. You have the right to talk about your grief as well as the right not to talk about your grief. Talking can be very healing, but you do have the right to choose what and with whom you want to share. 5. You have the right to treasure your memories, stories and relationship with your loved one. 6. You have the right to be honest when asked about how you are doing. 7. You have the right to take care of yourself and do what is right for you. You can rest, slow down and choose which invitations you want to accept and which you choose to decline. 8. You have the right to do things differently. You can change the furniture around, eat at different times, revise or let go of “traditions” for the time being - or forever. 9. You have the right to laugh and enjoy life. Joy can be present in the midst of sorrow just as sorrow can be present in times of joy and celebration. Allowing your attention to be directed into the moment and away from sorrow does not mean you have forgotten your loved one. 10. You have the right to express, nurture or explore your spirituality. Grief can be a catalyst for spiritual growth. Sometimes loss can leave us questioning our beliefs and assumptions. This process, though at times uncomfortable, may lead you to a deeper and more meaningful spirituality. 2 NW_HOD_20200612_Guidepost_09~1179.indd 2 6/19/20 10:08 AM GRIEF 101: A BASIC PRIMER MAKE SELF-CARE A PRIORITY Bereavement means that we are THERE IS NO TIMETABLE FOR deprived, robbed or stripped of GRIEF. It takes as long as it takes. You may find it difficult to take care someone or something of high per- While the intense pain that often of yourself while grieving. Business sonal value. In other words, it’s the accompanies acute grief may be details to deal with, lack of energy, objective state of having suffered expected to abate over time, there and lack of desire can present a loss. will always be times when the loss significant challenges to walking is remembered, missed positively and deliberately in the early days of grief. Paying attention Grief refers to our internal and and grieved. to the basics of self-care — nutrition, external reactions to loss. hydration, exercise, rest and social CHILDREN DO GRIEVE, support — is essential. Mourning is the way in which we ALTHOUGH THEY EXPRESS IT express our grief. DIFFERENTLY THAN ADULTS. Their Strategies that can help in the reaction to loss and understand- healing process include: GRIEF IS A NATURAL RESPONSE TO ing will differ according to age and n Take care of yourself physically. LOSS and a normal consequence development. Age appropriate of our ability to love, connect and information about death and grief Have a check up with live fully. We do not grieve that coupled with sensitive support your physician. which isn’t important to us. It is can help. n Exercise daily. Even a slow, the link between loss and peaceful walk can help you relax. moving forward. KNOWING THAT THERE ARE WIDE VARIATIONS IN WHAT IS n Eat well and wisely. GRIEF IS EXPERIENCED AT MULTI- “NORMAL” CAN HELP. Inaccurate PLE LEVELS. It affects us physically or faulty information about the n Lower expectations of yourself. grieving process leads to as well as emotionally and spiritu- n Take one day at a time, one goal at unrealistic expectations, which can ally and impacts our thinking a time. and behavior. unnecessarily add to pain and suffering. n Keep a written journal. THERE IS NO ONE RIGHT WAY TO It doesn’t have to be ‘professional,’ GRIEVE. Response to loss is highly GRIEF IMPACTS NOT ONLY THE just honest. individual, based on personality, INDIVIDUALS DIRECTLY INVOLVED, n life experience, personal beliefs but also their social connections Trust your own sense of timing. and expectations, as well as other and support system. Relationships n Participate in pleasant activities factors unique to the individual are changed after loss, and it is you enjoy. and their relationship with whom normal to reassess, change or even or what is lost. Everyone grieves in end some relationships. n Seek new routines and interests. his or her own way. n Discover what you need from GRIEVING PEOPLE SOMETIMES others and ask. GRIEF CAN BE EXHAUSTING. The NEED TO LOOK OUTSIDE THEIR energy that grief requires takes USUAL SUPPORT SYSTEM to find n Embrace your spirituality. its toll in fatigue, irritability and the understanding and information n Pamper yourself. A massage can forgetfulness. Attention to the they need. Grief or other support do wonders! basics of self-care — health, groups, books, internet resources nutrition, rest and exercise — and professional counseling can n If possible, avoid making major facilitates the healing process. be of benefit. decisions like moving or changing jobs during the first year of grief. FLUCTUATION IN FEELINGS, n Join a support group. ENERGY AND COPING IS TO BE EXPECTED. The ups and downs are n Don’t hold back your tears – crying often unpredictable and are a can be very therapeutic. normal part of the grief experience. n Find ways to hold on to hope. 3 NW_HOD_20200612_Guidepost_09~1179.indd 3 6/19/20 10:08 AM THE EXPERIENCE OF GRIEF: MORE THAN FEELINGS The personal impact of What you may experience physically loss can be wide-ranging. What you may experience Grief is expressed not only behaviorally n Physical pain through feelings, but also through physical sensations, n Physical exhaustion n Tearfulness thoughts or cognitions, n Tightness in the throat n Sleep disturbances changes in behavior. While and/or muscles everyone grieves in their n Appetite changes own way, there are some n Heaviness or pressure in the chest n Restlessness common experiences that n many bereaved people Lack of energy n Withdrawal/isolation normally experience.