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U.S. Air Force Preparing to Bomb Iron Range PENTAGON-Washington D.C

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U.S. Air Force Preparing to Bomb Iron Range PENTAGON-Washington D.C UMD STATESMAN 44-30, Thursday, June 6, 1974 U.S. Air Force preparing to bomb Iron Range PENTAGON-Washington D.C. live on the Iron Range, so some through the decisions of Judge It was announced late Tuesday Miles Lord" stated an ·official that the United States Air safety precautions will be made. of Reserve. Mter six years of Force is preparing to bomb tinkering around in -the cour- Minnesota's famed "Iron "We won't use plastic bullets, troom, he suceeded in closing · Range" for reason·s incom- down Reserve for one day. Hell, patability with the natural en- but we will count to ten before we shoot" said an official Air our employees needed a rest vironment. Force Spokesman. "This will anyhow. Do you realize that gave the people a fair chance, our net profit is $60,000 per "Minnesota will soon be losing day?" ' another lake" cited Air Force the same kind of chance that we gave at My Lai." General Aethan Hart of the When asked what the Reserve Duluth Air Force Base, "and Unavailable for comment were Mining Company and others we have called our big brothers like it would do if the Air Force in Washington for help." officials at Reserve Mining in Silver Bay, just 80 miles dropped the "big one" on them , Spokesmen stated Hart explained that Minnesota Northeast of Duluth. They were out for lunch. "They won't do it. It would do is losing lakes because of the nothing but kill the beaver, process of open pit mining, a duck , moose, and quail com- Open pit mining-- a practice common on practice common on the Iron Offi c ials were , however, available at Reserve Mining's mon to thi s area. But we could Range. He said that large holes see them dropping laughing gas the Iroil Range are made by the excavation chief open pit, located at Bab- bitt, Minn., in the heart of a on us, mainly because the joke photo by Dave Torrell process, and by 1990 Northern has been on them for so long." Minnesota could be one large taconite rock. open pit. "We have some Russian-made Officials. at the Duluth Air ticket on a plane that can get Migs captured in Indo-china" Force Base said that they ex- Members of the Red Cross and me out of here. I don't want to "We have to stop this ruining pected to receive a large ship- Salvation Army were being of our natural environment said a Reserve Spokesman, be around when the damn "and don't think for a minute ment of supplies later this week called late Tuesday to· prepare thing drops." before its too late" dted an Air in preparation for the attack. Force spokesman at the Pen- that we won't shoot back." for what could be Northern Of late Tuesday this week it tagon. "If big business doesn't Minnesota's worst war since was noted that the inhabitants Company officials explained "We can't tell you what kind of the Cherokee Invasion of 1740. want to talk, then we'll have to bombs we are going to drop" of the Iron· Range were· going play our war games for real and that they had lived through about their work in the usual this kind of threat before and said an Air Force Military then wait for a response." Policeman. "But, off the "We need blankets, medicine, manner, and that more open nothing ever became of it. food, water, and clotHing" said record, I can say that we are · pits were being built. But by The Air Force said that they do a Captain of the Salvation Ar- next week, nobody should be "Just look how we shone going to get them when they not wish to kill the people that ain't looking." my. "What's worse, I need a laughing on the Iron Range. Spirit Mountains hits snag-- disturbs gods Last While studying the ancient Mountain Authority said that hieroglyphics inscribed· on some bones had been dis- Duluth's Enger Tower, Dr. Uno covered during construction, Minute Diggum, a paleontologist from but "alot of neighborhood dogs Vermilion Community have been sighted in the .area News College, Ely, discovered Mon- and we figured they had buried day that plans to construct the them." Spirit Mountain Recreation Flash Area on Duluth's west hillside A Duluth industrialist, who will provoke the wrath of an- prefered to remain nameless cient gods worshipped by (ex!:ept on his pizza packages), UPI. LAST MINUTE NEWS Duluthians in 1507 B.C. commented. "Screw you, FLASH-Damascus, Syria. Diggum ... Screw you! You little Henry KissingerJ Chief Foreign Diggum, who has researched professors are only worried Diplomat and Secretary of the history of Northeastern about your jobs, but I'm con- · State, of the United States, Minnesota and Tower Avenue, cerned about the economy and was, seen leaving here by Superior, and Wisconsin, ex- happiness of the entire 200,000 helicopter.His immediate plans plained that plars to construct people in the region." include to arrange a cease-fire photo by Dave Torrell the ski runs will pass over with the United States Air massive burial mounds of an- A local retail magnet By the Force in battle with An open pit claiming one of Minnesota's lakes cient chiefs, including the Bridge said that in light of the Minnesota's Iron Range. By famous Boo of - Bull and his carpet sale now in progress, he late next week he hopes to have the reasQn for battle cries. Soon bombe.rs like son Little Ben. will not be able to work on the a full cease-fire and a prisoner bees, will be seen circling the pit, destroying problem at this time but will exchange. all in sight. A spokesman for the Spirit have a deal for Diggum later. Softhead University Leadership and K. M. Kraut · As youth again becomes the things. You get to wear the "Most of it is tradition. We silent majority and takes a sw- fraternity letter jacket .. " hold a sorority mixer, and every Service A\Vards, ing back to to the 50's old "A fraternity letter jacket? Christmas we go caroling and college traditions like frater- What's that?" do other neat things that this nities and senior proms are faternity has been doing for making a comeback. Of course, "Well, it's so you can identify : years. This way it's all planned '73 - '74 on some campuses they never with something. When you're · out for us and we don't have to disappeared. wearing the jacket, you don't : worry about what to do. have to worry about making "That brings me back again. LEADERSHIP AND SERVICE RECOGNITION The following is a hypothetical friends. All the other guys in What do you have to do to 1973 - 1974 conversation between the fraternity will be your join?'' Rosycheeks, a college friends automatically. We hold ·:well, I gotta admit it's pretty SIEUR DU LHUT freshman, and Oldpro, senior p~J.rties with the sororities, so tough. But I lived through it, member of a "social fraternity" you don't have to worry about so if you're half a man, you can Annie M. Butler on Softhead University cam- meeting any girls. They like do it too. We make you do neat Kathleen M. Nelson pus. This is dedicated to the fraternity men." things like stand on your head Steven J. Nelson hundreds of social fraternities "Is that all?" on a table in the cafeteria dur- Larry S. Rudolph across the nation. " No, no. We have secret ing lunch hour, or bring out in passwords, and we all sit the woods and strip you and tie BULLDOG SERVICE AWARD "Are you Oldpro?" together at the hockey games you to a tree and then, '(this is "Yessir, I'm Old PRO. What and think up catchy phrases, neat) pour molasses all over Gail G. Beardsley can I do for you, boy?" and once a year we hold a fund- your body! ' When you finally Paul D. Bugbee "I want to join the fraternity, raising project for crippled . make it, you know you're really Peter J. Cameron but I heard you have to swallow children. When you're a senior a man and you'll be proud to Judy A. Cavanaugh live goldfish, and my doctor member, you get to boss wear our colors." William B. Eberle says I'm allergic to them." around the freshmen, and "And you call "it a SOCIAL Neil C. Franz "Naw, you don't have to do make 'em do anything you fraternity?" Philip M. Glende that, We don't do crazy things want them to do. They have to "Yes, what would you call it?" Rick M. Glorvigan like that anymore. make sure they say "Hello sir" "Well, I don't think I'll join. It James T . Gregorich "Well, what do I have to do? when they see you. When we sounds pretty unpleasant to Aethan D. Hart What's the purpose of the get together, we put our arms me ..... " Albert J. Hayes fraternity?" around each other and sing our "But wait a minute,," Nita M. Hill "This fraternity is a social f:raternity theme song. I guess " No, if I want too weird stuff I Paul E. Johnson fraternity. We hold drinking we're just a bunch of goofy may as well get a better deal. I Nancy J. Keenen parties all the time and make college kids doing all the crazy think I'll join the Elks." Frank A.
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