UMD STATESMAN 44-30, Thursday, June 6, 1974 U.S. Air Force preparing to bomb Iron Range PENTAGON-Washington D.C. live on the Iron Range, so some through the decisions of Judge It was announced late Tuesday Miles Lord" stated an ·official that the United States Air safety precautions will be made. of Reserve. Mter six years of Force is preparing to bomb tinkering around in -the cour- Minnesota's famed "Iron "We won't use plastic bullets, troom, he suceeded in closing · Range" for reason·s incom- down Reserve for one day. Hell, patability with the natural en- but we will count to ten before we shoot" said an official Air our employees needed a rest vironment. Force Spokesman. "This will anyhow. Do you realize that gave the people a fair chance, our net profit is $60,000 per "Minnesota will soon be losing day?" ' another lake" cited Air Force the same kind of chance that we gave at My Lai." General Aethan Hart of the When asked what the Reserve Duluth Air Force Base, "and Unavailable for comment were Mining Company and others we have called our big brothers like it would do if the Air Force in Washington for help." officials at Reserve Mining in Silver Bay, just 80 miles dropped the "big one" on them , Spokesmen stated Hart explained that Minnesota Northeast of Duluth. They were out for lunch. "They won't do it. It would do is losing lakes because of the nothing but kill the beaver, process of open pit mining, a duck , moose, and quail com- Open pit mining-- a practice common on practice common on the Iron Offi c ials were , however, available at Reserve Mining's mon to thi s area. But we could Range. He said that large holes see them dropping laughing gas the Iroil Range are made by the excavation chief open pit, located at Bab- bitt, Minn., in the heart of a on us, mainly because the joke photo by Dave Torrell process, and by 1990 Northern has been on them for so long." Minnesota could be one large taconite rock. open pit. "We have some Russian-made Officials. at the Duluth Air ticket on a plane that can get Migs captured in Indo-china" Force Base said that they ex- Members of the Red Cross and me out of here. I don't want to "We have to stop this ruining pected to receive a large ship- Salvation Army were being of our natural environment said a Reserve Spokesman, be around when the damn "and don't think for a minute ment of supplies later this week called late Tuesday to· prepare thing drops." before its too late" dted an Air in preparation for the attack. Force spokesman at the Pen- that we won't shoot back." for what could be Northern Of late Tuesday this week it tagon. "If big business doesn't Minnesota's worst war since was noted that the inhabitants Company officials explained "We can't tell you what kind of the Cherokee Invasion of 1740. want to talk, then we'll have to bombs we are going to drop" of the Iron· Range were· going play our war games for real and that they had lived through about their work in the usual this kind of threat before and said an Air Force Military then wait for a response." Policeman. "But, off the "We need blankets, medicine, manner, and that more open nothing ever became of it. food, water, and clotHing" said record, I can say that we are · pits were being built. But by The Air Force said that they do a Captain of the Salvation Ar- next week, nobody should be "Just look how we shone going to get them when they not wish to kill the people that ain't looking." my. "What's worse, I need a laughing on the Iron Range.
Spirit Mountains hits snag-- disturbs gods Last While studying the ancient Mountain Authority said that hieroglyphics inscribed· on some bones had been dis- Duluth's Enger Tower, Dr. Uno covered during construction, Minute Diggum, a paleontologist from but "alot of neighborhood dogs Vermilion Community have been sighted in the .area News College, Ely, discovered Mon- and we figured they had buried day that plans to construct the them." Spirit Mountain Recreation Flash Area on Duluth's west hillside A Duluth industrialist, who will provoke the wrath of an- prefered to remain nameless cient gods worshipped by (ex!:ept on his pizza packages), UPI. LAST MINUTE NEWS Duluthians in 1507 B.C. commented. "Screw you, FLASH-Damascus, Syria. Diggum ... Screw you! You little Henry KissingerJ Chief Foreign Diggum, who has researched professors are only worried Diplomat and Secretary of the history of Northeastern about your jobs, but I'm con- · State, of the United States, Minnesota and Tower Avenue, cerned about the economy and was, seen leaving here by Superior, and Wisconsin, ex- happiness of the entire 200,000 helicopter.His immediate plans plained that plars to construct people in the region." include to arrange a cease-fire photo by Dave Torrell the ski runs will pass over with the United States Air massive burial mounds of an- A local retail magnet By the Force in battle with An open pit claiming one of Minnesota's lakes cient chiefs, including the Bridge said that in light of the Minnesota's Iron Range. By famous Boo of - Bull and his carpet sale now in progress, he late next week he hopes to have the reasQn for battle cries. Soon bombe.rs like son Little Ben. will not be able to work on the a full cease-fire and a prisoner bees, will be seen circling the pit, destroying problem at this time but will exchange. all in sight. A spokesman for the Spirit have a deal for Diggum later. Softhead University Leadership and K. M. Kraut ·
As youth again becomes the things. You get to wear the "Most of it is tradition. We silent majority and takes a sw- fraternity letter jacket .. . " hold a sorority mixer, and every Service A\Vards, ing back to to the 50's old "A fraternity letter jacket? Christmas we go caroling and college traditions like frater- What's that?" do other neat things that this nities and senior proms are faternity has been doing for making a comeback. Of course, "Well, it's so you can identify : years. This way it's all planned '73 - '74 on some campuses they never with something. When you're · out for us and we don't have to disappeared. wearing the jacket, you don't : worry about what to do. have to worry about making "That brings me back again. LEADERSHIP AND SERVICE RECOGNITION The following is a hypothetical friends. All the other guys in What do you have to do to 1973 - 1974 conversation between the fraternity will be your join?'' Rosycheeks, a college friends automatically. We hold ·:well, I gotta admit it's pretty SIEUR DU LHUT freshman, and Oldpro, senior p~J.rties with the sororities, so tough. But I lived through it, member of a "social fraternity" you don't have to worry about so if you're half a man, you can Annie M. Butler on Softhead University cam- meeting any girls. They like do it too. We make you do neat Kathleen M. Nelson pus. This is dedicated to the fraternity men." things like stand on your head Steven J. Nelson hundreds of social fraternities "Is that all?" on a table in the cafeteria dur- Larry S. Rudolph across the nation. " No, no. We have secret ing lunch hour, or bring out in passwords, and we all sit the woods and strip you and tie BULLDOG SERVICE AWARD "Are you Oldpro?" together at the hockey games you to a tree and then, '(this is "Yessir, I'm Old PRO. What and think up catchy phrases, neat) pour molasses all over Gail G. Beardsley can I do for you, boy?" and once a year we hold a fund- your body! ' When you finally Paul D. Bugbee "I want to join the fraternity, raising project for crippled . make it, you know you're really Peter J. Cameron but I heard you have to swallow children. When you're a senior a man and you'll be proud to Judy A. Cavanaugh live goldfish, and my doctor member, you get to boss wear our colors." William B. Eberle says I'm allergic to them." around the freshmen, and "And you call "it a SOCIAL Neil C. Franz "Naw, you don't have to do make 'em do anything you fraternity?" Philip M. Glende that, We don't do crazy things want them to do. They have to "Yes, what would you call it?" Rick M. Glorvigan like that anymore. make sure they say "Hello sir" "Well, I don't think I'll join. It James T . Gregorich "Well, what do I have to do? when they see you. When we sounds pretty unpleasant to Aethan D. Hart What's the purpose of the get together, we put our arms me ..... " Albert J. Hayes fraternity?" around each other and sing our "But wait a minute,," Nita M. Hill "This fraternity is a social f:raternity theme song. I guess " No, if I want too weird stuff I Paul E. Johnson fraternity. We hold drinking we're just a bunch of goofy may as well get a better deal. I Nancy J. Keenen parties all the time and make college kids doing all the crazy think I'll join the Elks." Frank A. Noviello panty raids on sororites and things that frat men have John L. Otterson generally tell each other what always done. Debra K. Sommer great guys we are, and give "Is there any comic relief in all John L. Sundstrom each other the courage to do this?" Mark W. Tanning Peter J. Thomas Laur~l J. Watson Ralph D. Wedgewood Edward J. Wegerson John W. Weiske
OUTSTANDING ORGANIZATION AWARD Alpha Phi Omega CERTIFICATE OF MERIT Angel Flight Anishinabe UMD STUDENTS Gamma Sigma Sigma end FACULTY OUTSTANDING STAFF AWARD Big Savings on Maxine A. Bevis AUTO INSURANC!E Helen F. Holt CHICK OUI MOTOICYCLI lATlS .TOOI OUTSTANDING FACULTY AWARD MONTHLY PAYMENTS Jerrold M. Peterson photo by Aethan Hart Robert E. Powless
PHONE ~ "We hold drinking parties ... and make DISTINGUISHED SERVICE AWARD 722-4431 ~ James G. Kirk panty raids on sororities ... "
Elegant simiplicity .... always in style ... always beautiful. · Dotit just be looked at!9 ' . ~ ' looked up to• ~. be
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page 2 Thursday, June 6, 1974 UMD Falllily Lab •plan your summer to open next fall fun now! Brainerd International The UMD Biology Department announced today that a new "Family Living" laboratory Raceway presents .... will be opened in the High Rise Dormitory in the fall of 1974.
'The dormitory offers students a chance to experience first THE UNCOLA _ hand the processes involved in baby - making and male - female relationships," a Biology Department NATIONALS spokesman said.
"Actually, there should be little change in the format of ac- SCCA National tivities, " he noted. ' 'Students , with their insatiable curiousity, have already begun a number of Sports Car Racing experiments in this area com- .Family Planning to open here in fall pletely on their own. I believe that their efforts have been very successful, and probably Females interviewed who now Amy; president of the Student Sat. Sun., July 13-14 very beneficial to their college live in the Highrise Dorm do not Association at Minnesota education." expect much of a change. Morris noted that "It was a real shock_!!r to me to find out that Provost Raymond Darland, One, who prefers to remain boys go into girls' rooms. I hope bring your bike.! although not previously aware anonymous, says " I don't ex- to see the program at UMD of the experiments now taking pect any change. I always have successful." place, said, ' Those college kids four or five of my boyfriends spectator bicycle race!. will do it every time. They're who come over Friday night (EDITOR ' s NOTE : the always lined up outside the dor- with their toothbrushes and Statesman does not withhold $600 in prizes mitory , "hemming and towels, and don't leave till Sun- names. The one who prefers to hawing." day. " remain anonymous is Anita Laye. For a good time, call her advance tickets available at at 726 - 7113. Goldfines, Glass Block, UMD & Archer Import Motors, 124 East First Street, Duluth
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UMD LAMPOON page 3 Bombs Rock Reserve Silver Bay, Thursday June 6 ... untelligible) do - nothing Ben might pollute the lake water. special to the statesman Boo Hoo and those other SOBs "Them bombs didn't hit the Reports reaching the won't do something, then I lake, did they? " he asked. Statesman office early this will." Last week, Wheat ad- More frequently, shoppers morning have informed us that mitted on the tape, he had responded with, "Where's a pilot flying a Navy fighter jet secretly joined the Symbionese Silver Bay?" or "What's and dropping a load of televi- Liberation Army and taken on Reserve Mining?" One young sion - guided smart bombs a new name. "I am now the woman blamed Jeno Paulucci. destroyed most of the Reserve Red Baron," he said. A Gideon, giving away free Mining Company's Silver Bay Bibles, said it was God's wrath taconite plant shortly after four The Statesman believes that and predicted the second com- a.m. today. Early reportstell of Wheat is either hiding out ing. President Nixon, con- no casualties as a result of the somewhere on the Gunflint tacted at the White House attack because a warning note Trail, or has chosen to fly his blamed the Democrats." had been received an hour in jet to asylum in Albania or ·'They're out to get me. Now you advance of the bombing, which North Vietnam. At this point, see, huh, huh?" He appointed a photo by Sldp Allen reddened the sky for miles investigators are searching blue - ribbon commission to View of bomb from above around the Silver Bary area. through the rubble of the study the matter. We also con- Reserve Silver Bay plant in an tacted Wayne Miller of the Because of its reputation as the attempt to turn up clues as to Building Trades Union, who most objective newspaper in why anyone would want to drooled, "Goodie, goodie, new the Twin Ports area, the bomb the facility, which construction jobs. Oh, hot Protect Duluthians Statesman was chosen as provides employment for 3,000 diggety dog! '' recipient of a rape recorded workers, for no other reason but EDITORIAL American soldiers have always been message regarding the bom- the soft - hearted generosity of bing, which arrived Special its parent companies, Armco Later this morning the Duluth stationed in foreign ports to protect democracy. Delivery at the newspaper's and Republic Steel Companies. Police Department began an One of the problems that have occurred as a result UMD office this morning and extensive manhunt through of this great service is that American soldiers have bore a seven - headed Cobra on In an attempt to measure every hippie pad in the city, the cover. The bomber revealed public and company reaction turning up so far lots of dope returned with Japanese, German and other himself to be Navy officer to this monstrous act of lawless but no mad bomber. FBI enemy-blood wives. David Wheat of Duluth, and senseless violence against a agents were reported to have formerly a POW in North Viet- pillar of the Lake Superior ransacked the UMD office of ARE WE IN DULUTH GOING TO ALLOW nam and recently stationed in community, the Statesman Students for Environmental Florida. On the tape, Wheat contacted representatives of Defense, but when contacted THIS TO HAPPEN ON THE IRON RANGE? told the Statesman that he had Reserve Mining, who respond- said that the raid had no con- ARE WE GOING TO ALLOW OUR SONS TO become disillusioned with ed "we're appalled .. . but we're nection with the Reserve bom- BE TEMPTED BY THE VILE GOUDA America after returning to his insured. Of course we'll bing. "We were looking for CHEESECAKE FROM 1HE NORIH? · native land after seven years in rebuild. There's a bundle still Patricia Hearst," the agency captivity. He had become par- left to be made off this ol' told this newspaper. ticularly angered, he said, by baby." We also talked to I say now, while we are at war with the range, is the refusal of the Reserve Min- shoppers at Goldfine's in As we go to press, the bomber is the time to insure the safety of our sons by steriliz- ing Company to cease en- Duluth who replied in a variety still at large and reported arm- ing all females over the age of 12 on the range. It is dangering the lives of Duluth of ways. "Right on," said one ed and dangerous. residents by stopping its dum- young man, obviously of the up to us to keep our blood pure! to protect our ping of asbestos - laden tailings hippie variety and therefore (any similarity of names and heritage! to keep the foul taconite where it into " my beloved Gitchee not to be taken seriously. "It places in this story to real belongs! Gurnee." I felt I had to do should a happened years ago," names and places is purely something, to take matters into he added. One shopper was coincidental-the editor) my own hands. If that (tape worried that the bombing BOMB THE IRON RANGE NOW!
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incident, I left," the Shah con- While hunting cape "Well, come along and have a tinued . . buffalo recently in the touch of the elixir with me, depths of deepest Africa, I won 't you? he said, reverting ·"I headed for a shade tree near- happened to run across my old back to the Sheboygan dialect by, when suddenly I was friend and companion, the for which his kingdom is jumped by one of the crew; it Shah of Sheboygan. I gladly famous. · turned-out to be one of our own accepted his invitation to hunt Chickadee Indians. with him, and was delighted to I joined the Shah inside his find that the Shah's peculiar Rolls, where we sipped con- "I am going to perform an in- style of hunting had not chang- genially on martinis as we terpretative dance of how my ed. watched the safari crew ancestors washed their sweating in the hot sun. clothes," the Indian said to me. At the head of his safari was, as "You, our oppressor, will usual, his Rolls - Royce. A crew "Ever get any trouble from the recruited specially for the Shah watch closely." natives?" I asked. ' from all over the world was "Excuse me!" I said. "But if slowly building a road through "Absolutely bully that you you are are going to revert a the swamp as the Shah alter- should ask," the Shah replied. nately slept, (in ·air - con- hundred years, so will I. In "It's the only entertaining that case, I shall be a racist ditioned comfort), drank cold thing that's happened for cowboy carrying a rhinoceros martinis in the shade, and months!" gun with only one Indian near- plinked carelessly at any wild - by to release my hatred on." life that happened to wander "About two weeks ago, one of through. the native boys suddenly came "He left quickly enough then,. photo by Aethan Hart into my car and sat down," the and finally I thought I could get "How long you been out now, ·The Shah at his home in Sheboygan Shah began. some rest." Shah old boy." I asked, just I looked out the window. Sure making conversa.tion. "As I sat down, heat lightning "I knew I had to protect my "My dear sir," I said. "What is enough, a beautifully pelted started to go off over the area. crew. As the freaks closed in, I the meaning of this?" Femlib was hanging by the toes "Ghastly long," he said. "It . My foreman yelled a warning yelled for a gun." from a nearby tree; gutted, takes simply forever to build a that sent chills down my spine, "I'm becoming aware of my "Which gun do you want?" my skinned and de - braed: road through the heart of heritage in your automobile," and the crew started running foreman ~elled. Africa, and you know I just the fellow said. "I am cultural for safety. can't go anywhere without my "My dear Shah," I said. "How independent." "Better make it my pest - con- terrifying! What's this world Rolls." "Quick," he yelled. "The light- trol gun! I yelled back. comming to?" "I'm afraid you don't un- ning's scared the Bible - "I know; I know," I said sym- derstand," I said. "This is my Freaks; their stampeding·!" "I barely escaped with my pathetically. The Shah often The whole incident reminded car; make no mistakes about it. life," the Shah concluded. me of the time Poncho and I ends up in the woods for years I am the Shah." "The warning made my heart before he gets bored enough to murmur. Sure enough, a huge spent two weeks near Lake Tit- "It was only two days later that fortat in the hands of four Bible head back to Sheboygan. Half "At any rate, 'IllY dear herd was tearing down the I shot the magnificent Femlib the roads in Africa .got their brush as they ran toward us - freaks and a convert Hitchbird, the fellow wouldn't you see hanging out to dry." astrologer - but that's another beginnings on one of his leave, so rather than create an with their bibles at the ready." Safaris. story. fY"' MONDAY! ( 0. {_;J--) All you can eat Barbeque ribs or Louisiana style chicken ONLY $3.25 WED. and .SUN. ·········································· ROCK and ROLL NITES Records by W AKX Radio THURS. thru SAT. -..-...... PERSOnALS Live music and dancing featuring "Triangle" . ~-- ...... Arrowhead Music ,....,. ~ INVESIMENT AVAILABLE ~ 4424 Regent Street • : 72 VW SuperBeetle Radio 1 Hgreatest rock band in the twin ports area,, ,;: Duluth, MN 55804 ._ Radial Tires, Well Maintained- ~ (218) .525-3290 ~ 28 plus MPG $2050 or offer ~ hand crafted guitars ~ David W eidt · Louisian~ style chicken to go iilimusical instrument repairs illll 525-2561 , 726-7112 -...... ~ .... , ...... ~ ...... ~ Big Eaters, try. our VIKING FEAST To S.E . - Let's Scuba- from B. WANTED RIDE TO SUMMER SCHOOL LUNCH BREAK ENTERTAINMENT 8 :30-4 :30 Daily from Fon du lac Happy Birthday, P.C. area. Lingerie Show Daily, Noon to 1 PM s.s . 636-1393 after 6, ask for Sue
"The most beautiful girls in the north country, beautiful gowns and ' ATIENTION 1973 Chevy Vega Hatchback comic commentator" All those interested in travel G.T. are urged to attend the. S.A. If Yoo're Looking for a Great Travel Meeting today at 7 :00 Little Car Yoo Won't Have to p.m. in Kirby 250. Come speak Look Any Farther. This is it! *And visit our with members of the·staff who No Bull! She's Not a Dog! I are experienced in both Euro- Must Sell and I may Take a Liquor Shoppe pean and donestic travel. Trade! For your weekend party needs Refreshments will be served. Call 7'12.-7796, Soon ! !
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. \ \ ) ( ' This being the last issue for the 73- 74 Academic year, it should be an issue of farewells and good - by's. But I am coming back, so the situation is only a matter of temporary leave. At the onset of this past Spring Quarter many speculated about the quality of this paper. Howard Martz, sole Journalism Professor at UMD was rummored to have .said "They'll be biting the " dirt by the end of the qua!ter. They will start out fairly strong, and then everybody will split, leaving the editor to do the paper by himself." I don't want to say that Mr. Martz was entirely wrong, but for the most part he was.
I would like to ~ive credit where credit is due, and go down the list of page editors and cite their con- tributions. Dan Knoedler, in my opinion and several others, was the best writer editor that the Statesman has ever seen.Hewrote the "Hitchbird Sies" that was write a letter to the editor, but so popular. (A least well read) Wthout Dan, the the actions ·of one student Fine Arts page would have looked like a weekly · ~ member of the Student Service advertisement. . I Fee Committee at the final meeting of the year have out- Mary Small was my Co - ordinating Assistant, and raged me to such a degree to co mmunicate my feelings to she was best able to carry out my policies. Her ex- the student body of this school. perience as a Journalist include two summers of LETTERS Ralph Wedgewood voted professionalism at the Duluth Herald. She plansto -- directly against all the other move to the main campus next year. It's. too bad, student members on the fee I'll miss her. To my son, the Editor: to be carried. They reached the You ain't e:ot no manners. finish line at about 6:15 p.m. co mmittee on he two most con- treating UMD the way you They helped several other troversial issues co ncerning the Aethan Hart was the photographer, and a damn is. I hears that you was gonna teams drag their rafts away Student Service Fee; the good one. He would take his assignments thinking make fun at the pig that they from the river. Their truck and Regents' Grant in Aid and the Intercollegiate Athletic Alloca- how he could come with the most interesting pic- bot but I'm gonna write Mr. trailer became struck in the Darland a letter and tell him quagmier and they struggled tion. tures. I make it a habit to never say "always", but that the rest of us people in the for an hour to get it free . They in this instance I will make it an exception and say family don't think it's write, then went to have a good time Four out of severo student - that Aethan Hart always came up with a very in- the way you is always pokin' at the party which had been members voted to abolish the fun at people. promised by the promoters. As Regents' Grant in Aid Fund, a teresting picture. they entered the gravel pit they $1.20 allocation which gives 73 I'll bet you thought that you found that all of the food was students approximately $232 a Lynn Sandness did one helluva job with graphics. went and got yourself real gone, there was no band, and piece per year at the exl?ense of educated, gettin' yourself all that a truck full of beer was the entire student body. Ralph The characters that he depicted showed an un- voted to retain it. usual life- like abstraction that were always of im- dressed up and trottin' off to leaving the area. All that they college every day. I think it's received for their entry fee and portant quality. He is a first class person. · real low - down mean not many hours of struggle was a Six of the student members on teachin' your brothers and dirty jeep and a broken raft. the committee voted to retain Tenby Owens was the News Editor, and when she sisters what you already knows the $6.00 per quarter funding of produced work, she produced top-notch quality soes they don't have too. The beer truck pulled out with the Intercollegiate Athletic Department at its present work. I was often at ends with her because I felt she 60 % of the. rafts still on the Until they teaches you some water. As the truck was leaving level. Ralph voted to raise it to did not produce enough work, but now I have let manners, don't come home no it became stuck on an old set of $8.00 per quarter. bygones be bygones. . more. Someone else with a lit- railroad trl!cks, and was im- tle manners and respect can mediately surrounded by an When it became apparant that Jackie Frantz has a very diligent character and she sleep,in the barn from now on angry mob of people deman- the administration members of Pa through your bed right out ding their money back. There the committee found that handled the job of Copy Editor very well. She of there. are many people that deserve a Wedgewood's figure was too stepped in with no experience and soon did the job refund and hopefully will get it. high, Ralph settled for $7.00 a as if she had years of experience. Sincerely, The only thing that keeps the one dollar raise! Your Ma affair from being a total loss As a student member of the Janice Clark was the subject of our "Iron Range" · was that the money went to the Rubberized Raft Rigatta River Boys Clubs and not the spon- committee I have received jokes (being from Babbitt) as well as my Managing Race RIP - 0 FF sors. nothing but negative feedback Editor. She was a holdover from the Winter by Jack Hasting from students concerning the $34.00 total cost of the fee and Last Sunday morning hun- The Iron Range is renowned as Quarter staff, and she worked very hard. the allocation given to the dreds of people were herded Minnesota's "Biggest Hole" for Regent' Grant in Aid Fund and into the Cloquet river for what reasons exclusive of its open the Athletic Department Jeff Kerber did a very fine job with Sports until should be remembered as one pit mines. the sports season ended. I haven't seen much of of the greatest rip - offs of our allocation. him these past few weeks. time. The "5R", as it was At UMD, it's performance that termed by its co - sponsors, My communications with counts-THEATRICAL perfor- fellow student members on the Pete Bugbee, Circulation Manger, can be cited for Wilsons and WEBC, was one o( mance. · the most poorly executed and- committee indicate to me that they have received similar having the Statesman out the earliest that UMD conceived activities in recent A modern-day Diogenes had memory. Those unfortunates reactions from the student has seen in years. Next year he will see a promo- searched for an honest woman body. tion to Advertising Manager. that drove the many miles up among UMD's Ranger Cult Highway 53 to the Cloquet luckily, his lamp only con- Yet, · former S.A. President And I can't forget the financial branch of the river did so on their own graces. tained four years worth of fuel. There was not a single direc- R.D. Wedgewood voted to keep Statesman. Al Hayes was Business Manager, Dan the Regent's Grant in Aid tional sign along the route. Akademgorodok, USSR, is an Netland was Advertising Manager, and Dave Fund, and to increase the academic city; UMD is Weidt was a,n ad salesman. Together these kept A crew from Alpha Nu Omega something else. Intercollegiate allocation. the Statesman from going bankrupt. Without their fraternity at UMD spent many I ask why? What is the answer efforts, there could have been no Statesman. hours in preparation for the N. B. of Branch race, and payed the entry fee of Ralph? And what is the answer Editor: $1.50 each. They struggled for students? Or don't you care? Never before in my five year I'm glad that I had the chance to see all this work. over five hours down the river. stay in this institution have I . lri,some sections their raft had Respectfully, W. Daniel Schreck, been sufficiently moved to Douglas P. Merritt UMD LAMPOON Editor-in-Chief page 7 · by Dick Swanson
I was sitting around the other if I thought I could float on my day trying to think of back for 14 miles. something to write a column about. Now that sounds easy Maybe I'm just too gullible. enough but I was in the midst For instance, every time I'm in photo by Aethan Hart of a dilemma. Should I listen to line some place no matter how the plaintive sounds of long the line is, everyone who balladeer Bobby Rydell or get a wants to cut through the line ticket to attend the .opening of mistakes me for a turnstile. The Statesman The same things goes when I'm Statesman 'the Jock Mahoney film festival in Azuza. Neither panned out driving. For some reason, as as article material. soon as the people in front of is watching! me realize that its me behind tried to run away and after an- It is not easy to write a column them, they all have the im- ~ Bone- up nouncing it mysteriously like this one that is so well mediate urge to turn in the found a ticket for St. Louis in responded to. Why, in a given middle of the block. my shirt pocket. week I'll have as many as eight or maybe nine people come and And when I was growing up it So, this is my chance for tell me they read the last one. wasn't much better. I wasn't as Awards ... revenge and I'm taking full ad- Reactions vary from it wasn't bad off as the kid whose around vantage of it as soon as my too bad this time to why don't mother had to tie a porkchop friends come back with the key you fold that paper five ways around his neck so that the to my trunk and let me out. and stick it where the moon family dog would play with Successes doesn't shine. Of course, by him. It was tough for me now I'm used to this kind of though. I remember in Little 1. The "unopenable plastic bags" enveloping the abuse. I was 1&-before I found League they used to tell me the V.D. (VenDen)' Soybean Burger out there was more to my house wrong times for the games so than a closet. that I would came late. Then in 2. Marlboro Menthols (Lights) school during dire-fire-drills 3. UMD News Service Press Releases, the stalwart I'm still taking abuse. Take they'd always pick me to go foundations on which this great publication rests. last week for instance, a guy back in and see if there was 4. Marshall Performing Arts Center (Warren Wilkens) came up to anyone left in the building. me in school and asked me if I 5. The energy crisis The only summer job I could would like to participate in the get .was being the guy they 6. Campus police parking lot surveillance raft ragata river race in the threw pies at at the county 7. Filtered water in the dorms Cloquet riv~r . I was really ex- fairs. Then there was the time I cited at first until he asked me 8. Streaking 9. Olympia beer 10. InterVarsity Bread Sale A GREAT NE·w LOOK 11. Curtains in High Rise ·IN L·EATHER FROM Failures BAD LEATHER 1. UMD Food Service 2. Campus Police 3. Village Apartments 4. Women's Liberation Movement (local) The Patch Jack.et 5. Bulldog basketball team in assorted 6. Statesman (fall and winter quarters) 7. Olivia Newton John concert multi- co 1or 8. Chief Dan George suede 9. Kirby Program Board 10. Statesman (spring quarter) patch·es satin lined,
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page 8 Thursday. June 6, 1974 UMD Food Service suffered dehydration "Could I possibly see your Reports have been filtering into · "No, it doesn't mean that at records and receipts the States(man) office concer- all. Please stand corrected." sometime?" ning food losses in the UMD "As much as I would sincerely cafeteria. Since we all are con- "Oh, yes sir. I didn't mean to like to show them to you, cerned about the rising cost of perpitate anything that is only records are not made available food, especially when it means rumorish." to students." higher prices to us dorm "How about if I find a staff residents, it is of utmost impor- "What we plan to do is increase member to look at them for tance that this be investigated. dorm fees as little as possible. me?" The issue is somewhat com- This is a complex problem. "No, we must be careful who plicated by the fact that this Yes, food costs are going up, we show our records to. They disappearing food and supplies but also studies show that are very personal things you vanish somewhere between students are eating more these know." delivery and the food line. days and then there is that "That's too bad. I'd hate to see Zapp! Gone without a trace. dehydration problem." valuable information lost behind your lock and key." "Well, we've been having quite "I was told, there is no certain- a problem with dehydration of ty as to whether that is the "You know as well as I, even frozen foods." One of our news cause for disappearing food. though you. are 20 years sources reported, "Sometimes Are you saying you are sure younger, that life is tough these whole steaks have disappeared that is the problem?" days. And you will find out, from sight in a matter of a few when you are older, that you days. Since no or,!' seems to photo by Aethan Hart "Well, have you heard any can never, never get everything know what becomes of them, better explanations?" you want." we figure this explanation will be as good as any." Food supplies vanish ... "To be quite honest, sir, I had "I imagine students are using heard that perhaps people who more paper products these days Only one high official was work in the area might be also? Could that be a plausible available for •comment. He pilfering to meet with their own answer to disappearing paper remarked, "This is a touchy "Take a little? I'rri sure you can't see them. It is truely food needs. You know how vital gooss, straws, napkins etc.? subject, one we are em- it is to have meat at every don't mean that in the literal · marvelous having records to barrassed by. If and when we meal, a pie for every desert, a sense, do you?" validate what I say. Wouldn't you agree?" come up with a logical, accep- paper napkin for every spill. Oh "Well, I most certainly hate to "Oh, no, no. Strickly in the table answer we will pass it on yes, that reminds me, how do blame students for something to those interested." you people up there account for colloguial sense." "I imagine I would if I CO\.!ld see they are not the cause of. We them. Oh well, that is the way paper products disappearing? are instituting a study concer- "One more thing. You are sure the ball bounces." "What does the administration The moister content of paper ning that, too!!" have to say about this matter?" products is so minimal that the staff of cafeteria workers "Yup." are not involved in stealing "Yup. Anything you might I said. they cannot dehydrate to "But if you increase cost food. You stated that earlier. have to add?" nothingness. What of those because more paper is being us- How about people higher on "You all must know they are as reports?" ed, you are in effect blaming the totem pole, as the old 'say- concerned about rising food "If any paper products have them." "Only that I am glad you show costs as anyone and their only been taken from our supply ing goes. Those people who are concern for on campus referred to as management." concern is for the student, of room, we are certain to have a "There is no relationship business. Do come again." course."· record and receipts. Your between monetary payments "Our records would show that remark about workers... we and blame. We all must work "I can guarantee, sir, we will is unlikely. I'm really sorry you "Does that mean they will be rea sure they would not resort to together around here to make keep an eye on this." increasing dorm fees next fall, stealing. We have a good group the system work. You know, as has been rumored?" of people working for us." give a little, take a little."
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i• Duluth Arena Auditorium •~ i TICKETS AVAILABLE AT: ! • • :• D uluth & Iron Range Ashland Thunder Bay & International Falls :• :• Downtown Book . •: : Cellar Imports Ashland Discount Records Black Squirrel : • Crippa Music N'uvana S tores :• ! Range Music Mr. Music : ! Natural Music, Inc. B. J. Music ! ., : Music Box : 50 ~ i• $5 Advance $5 at the door • ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• •
UMD LAMPOON page 9 YOUR WEEKLY HOROSCOPE ... For the week of June 7th thru June 13th, 1974. As of Friday, the 7th, the Sun will be transiting the second ten degrees, or Libra Malo sky decanate, of the sign of Gemini. At that time, the Moon will be into Capricorn. Also, on Saturday, the 8th, the planet Mars moves into • the sign of Leu at 7:55 P.M .. to re111a1n ARIES (March 20 - April 20) This could be a promising week for you if you don't let nervous tensions and anxiety get to you. With your ruling planet of Mars moving into the fire - sign of Leo, things could really go in your favor. The 3rd and the 6th are good days to at UMD accomplish objectives. In the area of love and romance, a sparkling Gemini may come along to enrich your life.
TAURUS (April 21 - May 20) The week may not seem to be too president of something, we important to start with, but things will roll into motion after a "They told me that I have been have decided to approach local rather confused week - end. Keep at least one eye open for a Cancer coachin football too long people who fit the standards as person of the opposite sex that has long been hanging in the wings without a helmit" cited UMD set by our national govern- and is now ready to join you in your long- standing search for fulfill- Head Football Coach J. ment. And here at Jeno's, we ment. Take advantage of the fine weather, together. Malosky. "And now they want me to become president, feel that Jim Malosky fits the GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) The 9th and 12th might turn out to because, according to them, I shoe perfectly." be excellent days to communicate your wishes and hopes to those fit their needs." Malosky, once a coach at around you, but be careful on the lOth so as not to be over critical of the people that you care for. Pay a lot of attention to quiet Pisces According to a report received Edina, states that "I'm both pleased and surprised, but I types who have constructive advice and helpful ideas to broaden by this office late Tuesday don't know anything about piz- your self- esteem and you will be on the way to continuity. night, Head UMD Football
CANCER (June 21 - July 21) Before, on, and after the 8th, you will have excitingly good aspects from your ruler of the Moon as far as romantic matters go. However, you should check out the over - all picture before acting too impulsively in such things. If a Leo per- son is involved, take extra care in evaluating the situation. This could either be in your own favor or be a stunning let - down. ' LEO (July 22- August 21) Important contacts, honors, and health improvements will be highlighted in the coming week. Try to avoid being too overly aggressive and demanding on the 7th and 12th, due to unfavorable Sun aspects. Scorpio natives may tend t9 enter the picture at this time so try to play on their usually mysterious vibrations. These are sensuous people, so expect anything.
VIRGO (August 22 - September 22) Now is the time to finally take on that Aries person at their own game in their own sometimes unorthodox style. If you're really sure of your talents, you may real- ly hit it off big, and the rewards of such a victory can be both passionate and staggering. The times of loneliness and insecurity may soon be over if you nurture and develop some genuine self - confidence.
LIBRA (September 23 - October 22) If you still can't get close to that Sagittarian that you've been visualizing all year, don't get up- tight. Another Libran native is somewhere out there waiting to n.ake your acquaintance. Use this to your advantage, as there many things to be accomplished in the coming week and the next few months of the summer of '74, for all you know. Exploit them, but gently.
SCORPIO (October 23 - November 20) Keep in touch with those who rely on your company to keep their own lives jumping. If they They can keep their job just happen to be born under the sign of Taurus, they might be able to help you attain more of a stable composure to offset current rays of uneasiness about your future enterprises and moral investments. coach Jim Malosky has been za rolls, or for that matter care offered a Presidential Post with to. I just don't think that there SAGITTARIUS (November 21 - December 21) After the week - Jeno's INC., a local home - is any future for them, as they town company. end, certain matters of finances, legal affairs, and educational pur- will never make it into the suits will fall into place. The 9th will be a perfect day for expansion super bowl that I keep loaded and reorganization of assets. Call upon another Sagittarian, or at A company spokesman from with food every Sunday after- least a friendly Aquarian compatriot for more leisurely advance- Jeno's said "In keeping with noon and Monday nights dur- advancements. the national policies of today, ing Football Season." where at least one top politi- ,- CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19) Don't take yourself cian has been playing football "They can keep their job, I'm and your values too seriously on the lOth and the 13th or you may too long without a helmit and happy here at UMD" cited get a few unwanted laughs from those around you who hold you in now has a chance to become Malosky. high regard,. In affairs of the heart, get close to other Earth- sign types in the next three or four days. Get something going with a shy Virgo this time.
AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18) Coordinate activities after the 11th of the month and plan on some highly- charged con- 7******************************************~ frontations with those at odds with what you so nobly represent. Ideas now should try to make them work. Capricorn is the sign that * * the most influential contacts will come to be born under, so act ac- i Thanks for your i cordingly. * * PISCES (February 18 - March 19) On the 11th, when the Moon enters your sign, certain changes may occur in the way of domestic i Patronage ! or romantic areas. This could all go in your favor if you appear in the right places at the right times, as always is necessary. An Aquarius that you regard with affection may inspire you to act out * * of your present character, but at least they're unmistakably on ! TUES - KEG NITE ! your side...... * * Attention : Watch for Tournaments : ~ Campus Lovelies ~ Are you about to marry I*)J~~ ! JUNE 15 - 16 ! your handsome prince? ~REST AU RANT If unique is what you seek * * in your choice of engage- DULUTH'S NEWEST : Call Spot for Info. : ment or wedding rings : FAMILY RESTAURANT choose from Minnesota's : featuring * * only oricinal stylings. FRESH WALLEYED PIKE Ronal
TODAY Geology seminar: James Welsh, UMD Department of Geology, "Petrology of an Archean i THE COVE i migmatitic contact zone, northwest Sacred Heart ~ I pluton, ~ ~ Minnesota River Valley," Life Science 185 at 3:30 featuring the music of MORNING p.m. I I UMD Community Orchestra concert at 8:15 p.m. I ~ in the Marshall Performing Arts Center. FRIDAY UMD dance concert at 8:15p.m. in the I DANCE MONDAY thru SATURDAY ~ Marshall Performing Arts Center. I 9:00 to 2:00 AM I Friday, June 10 Spring commencement at 8 p.m. I I in the Physical Education Building. I TWO for ONE*** 5 to 7 nightly I .;:;;:r'"'''''''''''''"'''''"''"'"''''''''''"'"''":'''''·'''''''"'':·=·"''·'')\_:('"f - ~ ' ~ :f~J\.NJ:CONESE .;r j: ~ LADIES NIGHT EVERY TUESDAY *** ~ ::! ::1 I something special to the girls I ~~~~ AUTHENTIC1-f Duluth - After a combined 47 "Right now there is nothing we years of teaching at the Univer- can do iL the disposal goes on sity of Minnesota, Duluth the blink" cited a Food Service (UMD) campus, two professors worker. "It's against a City Or- will hang up their academic dinance if we dump garbage robes next week. down toilets, and we have to do something with the left - over They are Dr. Franeis B. Moore, food." Professor of chemistry, who has been at UMD 22 years, and Dr. A spokesman mentioned that At .Present plans are to house stall ready for "Igor" by next Lewis J. Rickert, professor of often left - over food cannot be the pig in the loading zone fall. physical · education, a veteran · re - used because of its content. area, located directly beneath of 25 years on !he faculty. "We were worried with a possi- the new UMD Cafeteria. Stu- Future plans include the ble situation of not having our dent service workers will be in purchasing of several of Dr. Moore, who was head of the garbage disposal, so we put our charge of upkeeping the pig, a "Igor's" brothers and sisters, if chemistry department for 16 heads together and came up daily chore that includes the food wastage steadily in- years, plans to wind up, some with the idea of having a pig do feeding, combing, and giving creases. By 1985 UMD could research this summer and next all of the dirty work, if the case "Igor" a daily bath in butter - be the northermost University fall and " .. .do some things for ·need be." milk. Officials plans to have a with its own pig - farm. the department still un- finished." Dr. Lewis J. Rickert Dr. Rickert came to UMD in 1949 as athletic director, a posi- tion which he held until 1955. Hundreds His term at UMD has seen him cheer hold nearly every kind .of coaching position, from assis- tant coach of football and Perpich basketball to a long term of coaching the golf and tennis Several hundred people teams. He even taught bridge gathered last Friday at the at UMD during summer Eveleth National Guard Ar- sessions. mory to pay tribute to State - Senator A.J. "Tony" Perpich. "There are so many high points, that I don't know where Perpich, a DFL'er was en- to begin covering them" dorsed May 13 in Grand Rapids Dr. Francis B. Moore Rickert said of his· service at by the DFL Party to run for the UMD. "The early days were ex- posi~ion of Eighth District Congress, a position being Dr. Moore believes UMD has citing ones," he recalls, noting that he made numerous speak- vacated by current passed the "growing like topsy Congressman John A. Blatnik .. stage" and has become a solid ing appearances as athletic A view from Ray Darland's director. He also pointed out Blatnik plans to retire when his university campus serving both term expires in January. office dudng a hot summer day the region and the state. Moore that he came in time to begin planning for the Physical felt that getting high quality "I see a Democratic victory faculty who were interested in Education Building, the second NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE building . constructed on the across the nation" cited Per- both teaching and research was pich during his speech. "And the most important thing he "new" UMD campus. All reporters, photographers, could do to further the growth we are going to a part of it.'.' of the campus. It was after the Physical and those who drew graphics Education Building was com- The event was called a fund - are herby reminded that in raiser for Perpich. Donations r ' "My concern as a teacher was pleted that UMD was able to order to collect pay for their not to stand in the way of a join the Minnesota Inter- were $5.00 per head, and for capable student, but rather to collegiate Athletic Conference, this the people received music, work, they must turn in every- encourage him to reach the Rickert noted. "I think the food, and dancing. thing to the Editor no later highest possible educational facility has served us quite well Attending the event were than Friday, June 7, at 11:00 level," Moore says. over the years," he remarked. several hundred people from p.m. Duluth. Because of R. D. Wedgewood... Sociology Anthropology news Student Service Fee Rises Dr. Von D. Kuldau, UMD The Sociology - Anthropology The proposed Student Service women in sports, up $.50; Announcement associate pro fe sS'o r of Department will conclude its Fee for the 1974 - 75 academic health service, up $1.00; Kirby Sociology-Anthropology, will series of ethnographic films on year at UMD will be increased Student Center, up $.75; con- The UMD '73- '74 assist Minnesota educational Friday, June 7. Dr. A. C. but will st,ill be considerably vocations and lectures, up $.80; Literary institutions next fall in bring- Aufderheide, Head of the less than similar fees on other music organizations, up $.10; ing about common standards in Department of Pathology at college and university cam- and KUMD -FM, up $.40. Supplement law enforcement education. the UMD School of Medicine puses. is now available will present "The Copper Fee categories which were Kuldau will serve as Minnesota Eskimo of Bathurst Inlet" at The new fee is subject to the lowered were Kirby Program at the following Coordinator for the Education 12:30 PM in ABAH 345, the approval of the Board of Board, down $.35; Kirby Stu- .. locations : and Training Section of the Sociology - Anthropology Lear- Regents which next meets on dent Center ·Reserve, down International Association ·.of ning Center. June 14. $.50; Theater Reserve, down Kirby Desk; Chiefs of Police. The associa- $.65; debate, down $.15; Sup- English Office tion established the positions NOTE: Increases in fee income were portive Services, down $.05; in response to the dramatic in- The Department wishes to awarded to intercollegiate and Statesman Literary and the crease in students enrolled in thank all of those interested athletics, up $1.00; intramural supplement, totally Humanities Office. academic programs in the field, students for whom the . films recreation, up $.50; college eliminated. including UMD. were shown and who made the · series the success it has been. Kuidu, who will hold the posi- We also wish to thank the tion in addition to his UMD UMD States~an and radio - teaching, hopes to broaden station KUMD for their communication between the cooperation with us in adver- . colleges and the professional tising and promoting these police world and also between films . the colleges themselves. page 12 Thursday, June 6, 1974