Cold Open: Joan of Arc was BURNED ALIVE on May 30th, 1431 CE, something no one ever aspires to have written on their obituary. Think about the intensity of that. She was tied to a stake, most likely with rope. Heretics were either tied to a pillar or chained, and bundles of sticks were placed beneath her and around the base of the pillar. And then that wood was set on fire. Sometimes, an executioner would help the heretic along by, essentially, hanging them while the fire got going beneath them, or, hitting them across the chest with a club to speed up their demise. This doesn’t seem to be the case with Joan.

There’s a chance she died, or at least passed out from smoke inhalation before the fire got her. Or, she didn’t, and the last thing she felt on this Earth was the lick of those flames, burning, searing, and cooking her flesh.

One legend of her burning says she was actually burned three times.

That she died during the first but it took two additional burnings to destroy her organs. Whether it took once or took three times, she was only nineteen years old when she was tried for heresy, found guilty, and then burned. She’d been captured fighting for her beloved France during the Hundred Years War between the French and English crowns. A war she helped win for France. And then the monarch she fought to put on the throne abandoned her.

Joan was a deeply religious young woman who believed God himself commanded her to fight and she was so adamant about being one of God’s chosen warriors and so convincing that her mission was bestowed upon her from above that this rural peasant girl persuaded Charles the VII to let her lead troops against the English and their allies to claim the throne of France.

And today, over 600 years after her birth and nearly 600 years since her death, we dig deep into the life and times of the young warrior that became one of France’s most enduring and beloved figures, today, on Timesuck.

PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO I. Welcome A. Happy Monday Timesuckers! Happy Memorial Day! Finally - I remember a holiday. Please take a moment today to recognize those who have sacrificed their lives defending freedom here in the US, and those who died fighting for their own nations world wide, such as Joan of Arc. Thanks for clicking play. Thanks for subscribing. Thanks for rating and reviewing. Thanks for letting the Suck slap your brain melon, week to sucking week.

I’m Dan Cummins aka the Suck Master and YOU are listening to Timesuck. Welcome to the Cult of the Curious. Hail Nimrod!

B. Amerigas Sponsor: Timesuck is brought to you today by Amerigas! Amerigas specializes in bottled American farts and they’re giving away free fart bottles to the first Timesuckers to call in to 1-800- AMERICAN FART BOTTLE. Did you know you get heat your entire on home on the consequences of the poor dietary decisions of other Americans?

That’s ri-Goddamn-diculous!

NO! Amerigas sells propane to fuel your grill you silly goose. It’s grilling season! And I have an exciting opportunity for Timesuckers! AmeriGas Cylinder Exchange is giving away a WEBER grill to one lucky person!

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The contest runs through the 4th of July, so you’ll have your brand new Weber Spirt II – E 210 (2 burner propane gas grill) A $400 dollar grill - FOR FREE. I’ve registered and I’ll be honest. I hope I win.

I don’t think it’s legal for me to win actually, so, my email will probably be tossed out. But yours won’t!

You can pick your Amerigas tanks at your local Home Depot, Dollar General Store, some many other stores nationwide. In Houston, San Diego, Knoxville, and Tulsa Amerigas actually has gas VENDING MACHINES at Walmarts.

So, this Memorial Day, of after if that’s when your hearing this, while your cleaning off your old grill, make sure you register to let me give you a brand new Weber….Go to MyTimeSuckGrill.com to register to win. Amerigas will be sponsoring the show for the next 6 weeks, so we hope to have all you registering to win!

The winner will be announced on Friday, July 6th! Again, exchange your tanks at Home Depots, Walmarts, Dollar Generals and 7-11’s, and enter to win a new weber grill by going to MyTimeSuckGrill.com

C. Tom and Dan Cruise Pre-roll: Also - Timesuck also brought to you by the Tom and Dan 2019 cruise. Tickets still available to that A Mediocre Time with Tom and Dan Cruise. March 7-11, Cape Canaveral, Florida. Head to www.tomanddancruise.com to grab your cabin and get a HUGE discount on a really fun cruise that I will be on, doing a podcast I’m sure with T & D and the gang. Lynze will be there. Gonna be a lot of day drinking and ruckus a’happening!

You can easily access the website for the cruise with tons of other info and the Amerigas grill giveway by going to the sponsor section of either the timesuckpodcast.com website or the timesuck app and just pushing the button. We try to make it easy for you here on Timesuck.

D. In the Suck Dungeon today, surrounded by the treats, trinkets, and artwork you incredible Timesuckers have sent it. Recording in a cocoon of love and appreciation and feels good. Feels real good. Queen of the Suck Lynze Cummins working hard in the office. Coordinating, dictating, collaborating with Danger Brain all the time on this, that, and the other. Reverend Doctor Josh Krell keeping the sound sweet.

Throwing myself under the bus during today’s Timesucker Updates - turns out I may have been last week’s idiot of the internet and that my Japanese pronunciation abilities may be lacking, not entirely surprising since I don’t speak Japanese and have never studied anything that’s gone on in that country.

E. Thanks to Aaron, Adam and the gang at the Galena mine in Wallace, Idaho for taking Lynze and I a mile underground a week ago. Pretty amazing to see the inner workings of a giant underground network of tunnels where silver, zinc, copper, lead, and more has been mined for 130 years. Grateful to receive such a custom tour from some cool ass Timesuckers.

F. Open House: Looking forward to welcoming a few Timesuckers into the Suck Dungeon tomorrow afternoon, May 29th, from 3-7PM. Enjoying a nice little open house. Some Space Lizards, some Suckers swinging by to see how everything shakes out at 2215 E Sherman Ave. Suite 109. Coeur D’Alene, ID 83814. Address in the episode description.

G. Memorial Day sale!

Thanks to you Suckers who have taken advantage of the Memorial Day sale, Getting 25% off everything in the store, using that discount code HEROES at checkout! Still a few hours to enjoy those savings - sale ends at Midnight tonight. Not much left. It’s pretty amazing.

Making room in Store Manager Erik Radaker’s merch bunker for some new Danger Brain crafted summer goodies coming soon. After seeing some sneak peaks I am fucking stoked.

H. Tour: Lynze and I will be in Phoenix in just a few days! May 31st - June 3rd - the Flat Earth Tour rolls across the desert and into the Tempe Improv. Special guest Gareth Reynolds from the Dollop Podcast performing as well. Click the link in the episode description and grab those tickets Timesuckers!

And then next week, DC heads to D.C.! Flat Earth jokes getting told in our nation’s capitol.

June 8th and 9th, gonna be at the Drafthouse in Washington, DC.

June 15-16th Flat Earthing my way to the Funny Bone in Des Moines, Iowa - two nights only! Tickets on sale there as well.

And, if you’re a new listener - no, I am not a flat Earther. I’ll be mocking the current flat earth movement among other nonsense.

July 12-14th I head Southeast to Orlando - back at the Improv. And then joining A Tom and Dan from a Mediocre Time on the 15th for another live timesuck. Feeling better about each one of those - it’s gonna be fun.

Comedy Store in La Jolla, July 20-22nd.

Dayton, Ohio Funnybone July 27-28th.

More tour dates at www.dancummins.tv. Tampa, Palm Beach, Chicago, Sunnyvale, Portland, Tacoma, Columbus, your mom’s lingerie trunk, Grand Rapids, your brother’s banjo case and more coming up in 2018!

I. And now, on to medieval warfare and nonsense. Let’s Suck some Joan of Arc. PAUSE TIMESUCK INTERLUDE

II. Intro A. The Hundred Year’s War: (Context for Joan’s life):

Joan was born at the beginning of the 15th century in a little village of of the Northeastern France during a period of confusion and turmoil. Her father worked with rabbits designing corn mazes. Her mother taught puppets to speak Portuguese.

That’s utter nonsense. We’ll get into the specifics of her birth and life in a Timeline here in a bit.

Joan was born during the Hundred Years War between France and England and intermittent struggles and series of battles that lasted well over a hundred years. It took place during the 14th–15th centuries and revolved around a variety of disputes, a big one being the question of the legitimate succession to the French crown. Love it when we go Game of Thrones here on the Suck! House Lannister versus House Stark versus House Targaryen versus House Donald McRonald.

God I wish that last one was a real GOT house!

The struggle over what land belonged to which kingdom involved several generations of English and French claimants to the crown. The “official” start day to this particular “war” is 1337 CE but there had been periodic fighting over the question of English fiefs in France going back to the 12th century when King Henry the First of England had laid claim to some land in modern day France he had taken from his brother, Robert Curthose, who was the Duke of Normandy. Felt he had the blood right to this little patch of France here and that little patch of France there.

Henry and Robert were the sons of William the Conqueror aka Wilbur the Vanquisher aka Billbur the Trouncer aka I’ll show myself out.

William was the Norman King who was born in modern day France and conquered England in 1066 after his first cousin, Edward the Confessor, died. Edward had named a powerful English Earl, Harold Godwinson to be his successor, but Harold was not his son. Edward was childless. So, William fought for the open throne and he took it, ending the long reign of Anglo-Saxon kings in England and starting a new Norman succession.

Claims to the throne! So many various claims to the throne. The ‘cause of so, so, so many wars. So many people have died because of convoluted European bloodlines, fighting for their local castle owner, or prince, or earl, or baron, etc…. who either felt they had a rightful claim to some throne or county or province. Sometimes men who didn’t have a claim but just felt like they could take it fought for it. And their soldiers followed them into battle, hoping a victory would improve their shitty medieval status. Get a little claim to some land for themselves and no longer be a shit-eating, bottom-dweller peasant. Now they could maybe sleep in an un-air-conditioned house of stone instead of one of wood. Have the doctor use the good leeches on ‘em when they come around for doctoring and bloodletting. Ugh.

Thanks to numerous political marriages used to solidify allegiances between kingdoms through bloodlines, or to expand kingdoms through bloodlines, medieval Europe had a whole lot of “this guy is the king of this kingdom but also the prince of that kingdom and he’s technically the duke of this province and, as the nephew to this other king who, since he didn’t produce a son or since his son died in battle, is now third in line to that crown.”

So, naturally, there was a lot of fighting because of this. Suddenly your country could technically belong to a rival country’s monarchy through some legitimate or quasi-legitimate blood-claim to the throne. And you may not care for this. This didn’t always set well with locals, so, a war would break out and they’d fight off the foreign throne claimer rather than just hand over their kingdom to a leader they weren’t familiar with or who they didn’t like or who they didn’t feel had a legitimate claim. And, maybe this Duke felt he could make more money under this king than that king. Maybe this king would wed his daughter to their son and bring more land into his family and the other king wouldn’t. Everyone was looking for a little more and were loyal to whoever they thought would give them that and also protect what they’d been given. So political.

And this sort of shit was happening in France, big time, in the early 14th century. King Charles the 4th had died in 1328, and LIKE A TOTAL ASSHOLE, he died not having produced an heir even though he lived until the ancient age of 33. WHAT… A… FUCKING DICK.

And his death set off a series of battles between those who thought the throne rightfully belonged to them. Initially, Charles was succeeded in Navarre, now part of Spain even though they’d rather be their own separate Basque nation, by his niece Joan II and he was succeeded in France proper by his cousin Philip of Valois, who would become King Philip the VI. That’s right. He had two kingdoms under one throne and now they went back to being two separate kingdoms. This kind of shit went on all the time.

Meanwhile, a man in England named King Edward the Third took full control of the English throne in 1330 following a brief hiccup in lineal rule over there, and, initially, he was cool with King Phillip the VI being the new King of France. He was content to let Phil do his thing, and he’d do his Ed shit across the channel.

But, then, Phillip pissed Ed off.

Phillip took back some land within France that had belonged to Edward’s predecessor, his father King Edward the Second, and Eddie the Third didn’t like that. It was so like Phillip to start taking people’s shit. Classic Phil! Just Phil being Phil! Such a quintessential Phil power move.

So, because Edward didn’t like what Phil the Pill was up to, he suddenly remembered that he actually had a claim to the French throne. He had totally forgotten about that!!

(Edward the Third) “What we need to find, is another claim to the throne. Someone who will work with us. Someone like me. Wait, no, not someone LIKE me. Someone exactly like me. Someone who IS ME! We need ME! I will claim the throne! I’ve got to be related to that bastard somehow! We are all related, aren’t we? My eyes did not end up this close together due to my parents NOT fucking their cousins! Hurry - someone who isn’t the product of multi-generational incest - PLEASE decipher my family tree and supply me with favorable fortune!!”

So, in 1337, Edward elected to assert his claim to the French crown as the only living male descendent of his deceased maternal grandfather, Philip IV. Invoking Salic law which banned succession along female lines, the French flatly rejected Edward's claim.

AND SHIT… WAS…ON!

Initially, England had a strong advantage in it’s battles against the English. And this advantage was known as the English longbow. It allowed the English to pick apart the French from afar.

These bad boys were about 6 1/2 feet tall and it was rumored that they could rain down arrows from over 300 yards out. And their big heavy arrows dropping from the sky would cut right through chainmail and armor. And the British were proficient with them in the 14th century and the French weren’t. Advantage - England.

In the battle of Crecy (Cressy) in 1346, the longbow led to the English under King Edward losing less than 300 men while the French forces fighting under King Phillip lost 13-14,000 men. Damn! The French had roughly fifty times as many casualties in that battle, which they lost, of course. And England, under King Eddie, probably would’ve went on to to just claim all of France for Britain, FUBAR the rest of their military with that longbow, had it not been for the Black Death - which needs to be a future suck. The plague hit Britain in the mid-14th century. Hit it hard. Hard enough to stop their war effort.

In 1348, the bubonic plague struck England and killed nearly a third of the nation's population. That is a lot. All military operations were halted for nearly a decade as they shifted focus to burial. Lots of funerals. Lot of black fabric being made. Coffin makers are getting rich. Great days for the coffin trade. Strong times for funeral homes. All military progress for the English was lost.

Meanwhile, over in France, King Phil dies in 1350. His son, John the Second, takes the throne but is then captured by the British in 1356. John’s son, Charles, gives England a bunch of territories and a lot of money to free his father in 1360 and signs the Treaty of Bretigny (Brit in -ye) with King Edward renouncing his claim to the French throne in exchange for full sovereignty over his captured lands in France. Advantage England once again!

But then King John the Second of France dies in 1364 and his son Charles, now King Charles the Fifth, decides, on second thought, that he didn’t want to sign that treaty after all. He thinks, “I fucking hate that treaty. Instead of honoring it, how about the English go fuck themselves instead?” And he goes back on the treaty and wages war on England once again.

And, basically, it just keeps going on like this. Constant fighting - back and forth for over one hundred years between Britain and France. The war would last until 1453, when King Charles the VII, the man Joan helped greatly in battle against the English, finally kicked the English out of France for good. As you know, they would quickly redirect their ass-kicking energy towards the New World across the Atlantic.

Technically, not ALL of the English left France. They would retain the small port city of Calais [kal-ey] until relinquishing even that city in 1558. I guess France felt it wasn’t worth the trouble to sack in 1453.

So, now that we’ve set up the backstory for Joan of Arc’s fight for French independence from England, although we’ve basically already been in a Timesuck Timeline, let’s officially jump into a Timeline of the life of Joan of Arc.

PAUSE TIMESUCK TIMELINE INTRO

III. Timesuck Timeline of Joan’s Life

A. January 6 1412: On January 6th, 1412, Joan Alexander Robert Bobert Von-Twinkle-Toes Arc is born in Domrémy [dawn-rey-mee], about 150 miles east of Paris.

And, of course I made up those middle names. Her name was Joan d’Arc.

Her little village had less than 200 people in it. And, I’m guessing zero cool clubs or movie theaters to go to. No thanks!

France had been involved in that damn Hundred Year War we were talking about for 75 years at the time of her birth. Her parents were Jacques d’Arc and Isabelle Romée. And for small town peasant folk - they did well for themselves. Joan’s father owned forty acres over which he rotated his crops and pastured his sheep and another ten acres in the Bois Chenu (Bwah Sh New). It is documented that Jacques and Isabelle were good Christians, good farmers, and nice people. They lived in the only house in the village that was built of stone, not wood and thatch, and, I think this is pretty cool, the family home is still standing today. Listed as a historic monument in 1840, Joan of Arc’s birthplace has been preserved and restored. On the front is a carved tympanum [tim-puh-nuh m] bearing a 15th-century coat-of-arms and a statue of Joan, kneeling in her suit of armor. Inside, visitors see four rooms – the bedroom in which she was born, her bedroom, the cellar and her brothers’ bedroom.The town has been renamed, Domrémy-la-Pucelle [dawn-rey-mee-la-py-sel] after Joan's nickname, la Pucelle [la-py-sel] d’Orléans [awr-lee-uh nz] ("the Virgin of Orléans").

Joan had four siblings: Jacquemin [zhahk quay main], Jean, Catherine, and Pierre. Jean and Pierre would later follow their little sister into battle, while Jacquemin [zhahk quay main] stayed to help his parents with the farm. So typical of Jacquemin [zhahk quay main]. OF COURSE Jacquemin [zhahk quay main] would stay behind.

(Pathetic voice) “But Joan, I have to help Ma and Pa with the farm.”

(Joan) “They’ll be fine Jacquemin [zhahk quay main].”

(Pathetic voice) “No! They won’t, Joan! The need me!”

(Joan) “They said you actually slow them down Jacquemin [zhahk quay main].”

(Pathetic voice) “But who will pick the carrots, Joan!?! Who!?! You know I pick the best carrots! I always have. Yes, father will handle the radishes, and the turnips, and the green onions, and mother will harvest the cabbage and the spinach. But the carrots!?! Who Joan!?! Who picks the carrots if not Jacquemin [zhahk quay main]!?!”

(Joan) Jesus Christ. Fine. Stay home and pick the carrots already. You could’ve just said you’re afraid to fight. You didn’t need to get so weird about the carrots.”

(Pathetic voice) “NO ONE PICKS CARROTS LIKE JACQUEMIN [zhahk quay main]!!!”

Joan had a pretty typical childhood. She spent it under her mother’s tutelage. She learned “the domestic skills expected of a woman, an apprenticeship that began as soon as a girl was able to fetch and carry. When later asked if she had learned any craft in her youth, Joan said that she had indeed, boasting that “in sewing and spinning I fear no woman.” As to the importance of those and all other “womanly duties,” she would also later add, “[there were] enough other women to do them.” B. 1425: In the summer of 1425 when Joan was thirteen, she received what she described as “a voice from God to help and guide me.” The voice came at midday, when Joan was in her father’s garden, adjacent to the parish cemetery. The voice came from over her right shoulder and was accompanied by a green light: “Joan of Arc, you have the ability to overcome great fear, welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!”

Bet you didn’t know Joan of Arc was once the Green Lantern did you? Probably ‘cause that’s not true. Would’ve helped her not get burnt though if she could used her ring to form a big green fire extinguisher though.

And if this was going to happen to a 13 year old kid, it was going to happen to one like Joan. She was a deeply religious child who would, “go down on her knees every time she heard the church bell tolled” and often slipped away to “speak with God” before this happened.

The Count of Dunois [dy-nwa] , who would become one of Joan’s closest comrades-in-arms, remarked that even at the frantic height of her military career “it was her habit every day, at Vesper time or at dusk, to retire into a church and have the bells rung for almost half an hour.” Watching her pray, Dunois [dy-nwa] saw a woman “seized with a marvelous rapture.”

So, clearly, she was very, very religious. She was one of those words that gives me so much trouble, pious. (“Pie - us”) Not “pee us”

Joan would later say that the voice she heard that day was St. Michael who while sometimes referred to as a saint isn't a saint, but rather an angel - an arch angel - the leader of all angels and of the army of God. According to Christian tradition, St. Michael has four main responsibilities 1. The first is to combat Satan. 2. The second is to escort the faithful to heaven at their hour of death. 3. The third is to be a champion of all Christians, and the Church itself. 4. And the fourth is to call men from life on Earth to their heavenly judgment

C. So - she went big. She spoke to St Michael! The top angel! She didn’t speak to some bullshit bottom shelf angel like St. Willard, who also has four responsibilities:

1. The first is to combat minor, easily defeat-able demons. And even then, only when no other, better-at-fighting angels are available.

2. The second is to monitor non-believers from a distance during inconsequential points in their existences.

3. The third is to be a really big fan of Christians when surrounded by other more powerful angels. At other times, it’s fine to denounce the religion when social circumstances dictate that to do otherwise may create an awkward moment.

4. And the fourth is to call men from life on Earth to ask them how they’re doing and then to quickly hang up if the conversation gets heated or emotional.

No, but for real. She thought she was speaking directly to the arch angel Michael.

She didn’t tell anyone about her visions at the time. The voices asked simple questions about church and about being a good girl, i.e. “was she still a virgin?” “Was she planning on staying a virgin?” “Are you sure you didn’t dampen Dominic’s dingle behind the apothecary last Saturday night, Joan?”

Seriously. There apparently was a lot of virgin talk.

What if the voice was not an angel but actually her brother, Jacquemin [zhahk quay main] ?

Like, for real. I convinced my sister Donna that I was God when I was in junior high. Seriously. I would sneak up onto the roof and while she played with her toys below I changed my voice and spoke to her as if I was God. “Donna! Be righteous in all you ways. Cherish your family, Donna! Especially your brother, Daniel. He is destined for greatness.” I don’t remember what I said, but I know I had her convinced for quite awhile that God was talking to her. That would be pretty funny if Joan joined the French war effort turning the tides in favor of France from which the English would never recover, all because Jacquemin [zhahk quay main] her pervert brother was fucking with her.

Highly doubtful but fun for me to imagine.

And, this voice spoke to Joan for years. So, it’s very likely that blatant mental illness sent Joan into battle and turned the tides of war which is pretty damn amazing.

5. 1427: By 1427, the voices in Joan’s head were no longer speaking to her about her virginity but instead, now they were talking about battle.

She became convinced that she was the chosen one to save France. As she said, “[there is no one else] on earth, be he king, or duke, or the King of Scotland’s daughter, or anyone else, who can restore the kingdom of France.”

And, why would anyone entertain her thinking she could save France? Well, because of some prior prophecies.

There were a number of prophecies circulating around the country at that time that claimed that a woman/virgin would be the savior of France. One long before the start of the Hundred Years War was Pre-Christian. It was attributed to the mythical Arthurian wizard Merlin, who prophesied that a marvelous maid would come from the Bois Chesnu, the ancient wood, to save France.

Fuck yeah! Finally, a wizard shows up in one of these tales! A cleric known as Geoffrey of Monmouth wrote about a legendary King Arthur in the early 12th century. And included in King Arthur’s court was a wizard - Merlin. And Merlin wrote a book of prophecies that Geoffrey supposedly found.

King Arthur is a legendary British leader who, according to medieval histories and romances, led the defense of Britain against Saxon invaders in the late 5th and early 6th centuries CE. Many if not most modern historians doubt a real King Arthur ever actually existed. Legend and folklore! A majestic king, noble knights, wizards and witches!

So that’s pretty cool. In a time long before the web, long before even a printing press, when the written word was scarce, when people wrote with quills and ink bottles, when no one had yet sailed across the Pacific, or at least done so and spread the word, the world was magical. There was no Google Earth to map the dark forests. Think about how many people believe in cryptozoology now - in the age of a high powered digital camera and video recorder in every purse and pocket. Imagine what life was like before most of the world was even mapped! Dragons and sea serpents and the prophecies of long dead wizards must have seemed so real - especially to an imaginative and passionate young country girl who was deeply pious (pie us).

Another common prophecy of the day was a more modern one. It was a response to supposedly scandalous behavior that the wife of the King, Charles the Sixth, Isabeau (Is ah boo) of Bavaria, mother of the man Joan would fight to make the King, Charles the Seventh, the eldest son of the King of France when Joan was a child. The prophecy was that “a virgin would save France after a fallen woman had shamed it”.

Isabeau (Is ah boo) was caught having an affair and many questioned the paternity of her son, Charles - questioning his legitimacy to the throne.

Isabeau (Is ah boo) was one of the many complicated characters of that Hundred Years War. Her husband, Charles the Sixth suffered from some sort of mental illness that resulted in him taking long absences from running the government. She was allowed to rule in his place. His illness created a power vacuum that would eventually lead to the Burgundians shifting their allegiance to England. It also lead to Isabeau (Is ah boo) attending the 1420 signing of the Treaty of Troyes, which decided that the English king, Henry the Fifth, should inherit the French crown after the death of her husband, Charles VI. She lived in English- occupied Paris until her death in 1435. The English were again making military progress in the early part of the 15th century.

So much back and forth! Man, to live in Northern France around this time must have been terrible. Seems like every few years someone else is in charge of you. Reminds of our exploration of Vlad the Impaler’s Wallachia, also in the 15th century, constantly going back and forth between Christian and Muslim forces. Main takeaway - don’t ever live in 15th century Europe. It was fucking terrible.

6. May 13th 1428: On May 13th 1428, Joan’s father, Jacques was summoned to Vaucouleurs (Voo Coo La) , some twelve miles or twenty miles north of Domrémy [dawn-rey-mee], to meet with the town’s captain, Robert de Baudricourt, about the “escalating tensions between the warring factions.” This area is roughly 300 kilometers or 186 miles east of Paris, so, while the war with England was never all THAT far away, the area that Joan had lived in had remained under French control.

Joan was informed by her angels that she must accompany her father. And, OF COURSE, not bang any bros on the way. Very concerned with her virginity was this angel. One misplaced dick could’ve ruined the prophecy and destroyed the entire revolution!!!

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Poor new listener - you must be SO confused right now. Timesuck is a weird world that just keeps getting weirder. Stay along for the ride long enough and these strange moments will make at least a little sense. I promise.

So. May of 1428. Joan’s father heads a bit north to talk about war with Captain Robert de Baudricourt. A war that is possibly coming to his part of the countryside and his daughter Joan accompanies him.

Sixteen year old Joan felt that she needed to see the Dauphin of France, the male heir to the throne, because she strongly felt that she would be the key to winning the war for France. Before she left, she visited a hilltop shrine two miles north of Domrémy that was consecrated to the Virgin Mary. And then Joan said the Virgin, “appeared in front of me, carrying a sword and a flag, but dressed in every other way like a shepherdess.”

When Joan protests she has no abilities as a warrior, the Holy Mother tells her, “a virgin without stain can accomplish all the good deeds in the world, if she withstands the love that’s of the world. Only look at me. I was like you, a chaste maid, yet I gave birth to the Lord, the Lord Divine; I am myself divine!”

Again - real into all the virginal stuff. Who knew that an intact hymen is what was needed to win wars. Here I thought you had to be better at fighting. What have we been doing in this country sending our young, sex-having men into battle? We need to be sending our tweens! At least the girls. Send some virginal girls over to Afghanistan, North Korea, wherever. More hymens, less bullets! Why isn’t that an extremely confusing bumper sticker already?

Inspired by the Mother Mary’s words, Joan accompanies her father, informing him that her voices have told her she needs to talk to Sir Robert. I’m sure he was THRILLED to bring his crazy daughter to the local town’s captain. Sir Robert, as Joan knew, had access to the dauphin, and according to her voices he “would give me men-at-arms” to accompany her west from the little pocket of resistance represented”

Joan explains her commands to Sir Robert and it doesn’t go as well as she had hoped. Instead of something along the lines of, “Voices have been telling you, a young girl with zero military training, that I should let you lead actual soldiers into battle against England? Sounds good! How many do you need? Would you like to have my horse as well? Maybe borrow my sword? Anything you need!” No. He has a good laugh at her expense and tells her dad she needs a good slapping.

7. December 1428: In December of 1428 Joan’s aunt gets pregnant - so, you know, no fighting for her non-hymen having ass - and Joan heads to Vaucouleurs with the excuse that she needs to help her aunt.

Yolande of Aragon, the Dauphin’s mother-in-law, hears that there is a 17 year old girl in Vaucouleurs claiming to be sent by God to guide Charles to the throne. And, she likes it. She was a superstitious woman as well, like a lot of people of the day were, and, with England currently winning the Hundred Years War, she’s eager for any sort of good news.

She dispatches her messenger from the court at Chinon to that of her son René, the future Duke of Bar and Lorraine and Baudricourt’s immediate overlord. Sir Robert, the town captain who had been laughing off Joan’s visions of grandeur, Yolande wrote to René, was on no account to squash or banish this peasant girl, not when his country needed the energy and confidence inspired by a prophecy fulfilled.

Smart lady. She recognized that even if Joan was bat shit crazy - she’d still be a good moral boost for the French.

Sir Robert was instructed to have the girl evaluated and her words taken as those meriting serious attention”.

Joan had showed up in Vaucouleurs (Voo Coo La) wearing a rough home spun dress that she knew wasn’t fit for fighting. She was given her first set of mens clothing here and she never willingly wore women’s clothing again. She would not go back to wearing a woman’s outfit.

And, according to historical sources, not only did she wear men’s clothing all of a sudden, she got really into men’s fashion, becoming known as a fop or a dandy.

The tailor-made clothes the citizens of Vaucouleurs (Voo Coo La) gave her awoke a taste for the luxurious fabrics and flamboyant styles normally held out of a peasant’s reach: velvet surcoats embroidered with gold thread; fur-lined mantles; colorful tunics bearing coats of arms; tight-fitting damask doublets with jeweled buttons and slashed sleeves that revealed contrasting silk linings; brightly colored hose; voluminous gowns with sleeves that hung to the ground; pigases with their extravagantly long and pointed toes; belts hung with bells and trinkets; an “infinity of hats - all kinds of shit.

Why did she get into dressing like a man? She claimed that God told her too. Is that the truth? We have no reason to believe that she didn’t believe that. Historians, authors, scholars, and others have speculated that she may have been a lesbian, that she was a transvestite, that she was transgender, et cetera. But most believe that she dressed as she thought God instructed her to dress. She heard voices she attributed to various agents of God telling her to fight for France, and she also believed these voices wanted her to present herself as a man to lead troops into battle.

Around this time, Joan also cut off her long hair. She took this idea from St. Margaret, a 13th century Italian woman recently made a saint who had cut her hair off to make herself less sexually desirable and less prone to sin. This haircut also showed a status change, telling potential suitors she was no longer a girl available for marriage. Long hair, uncovered hair was a sign that a girl was available to be wed.

Maybe she dressed like a man to guard her virginity that much more fiercely? She was doing everything she could to send that message.

8. February 1429: In February of 1429, Joan meets with the Duke of Lorraine who will help with her journey to meet the Dauphin. She’s finally going to meet Charles. He gave her a horse, four Francs, and another ally - training in how to become a soldier. To master a knight’s necessary skills, ordinarily acquired over years, Joan was trained for four weeks at Vaucouleurs (Voo Coo La) and then would be granted an additional three at Poitiers, when not being interrogated by the clerics assembled there to assess her claim of a divine vocation. She learned to ride a war horse faster than anyone believed possible.

9. February 22nd 1429: On February 22nd 1429 she at last set out for Chinon (She non) with six men. “The traveling party of seven included the two knights who financed her trip: Jean de Metz and Bertrand de Poulengy; Bertrand’s servant, Julien; Yolande’s messenger, Colet de Vienne; Richard the Archer; and the servant he shared with Vienne, Jean de Honecourt. “They were all knights and servants of Sir Robert de Baudricourt,” Joan testified. Sir Robert, that man who had first laughed at Joan’s visions, had now sworn to protect her on her journey.

10.February 21: On February 21 the seven travelers paused at the village of Sainte-Catherine-de-Fierbois (fier-bwa) , a day’s ride from Chinon (She non). That they had made it that far without incident was a miracle on its own. Joan kept herself busy writing letters to the king-to-be, “I sent letters to my king telling him I had traveled a good hundred and fifty leagues to come to his aid, and I told him also that I knew many things to his advantage”. His court was divided on whether or not to receive Joan. She did not get a response back for two days.

11. March 4th 1429: On March 4th, 1429 Joan reached Chinon (She non) in the middle of the day. “But when Jean de Metz and Bertrand de Poulengy were admitted to the dauphin’s chambers upstairs, they discovered that Charles wasn’t expecting the arrival of the Maid from Lorraine. La Trémoille had intercepted the letters and destroyed them.

12.March 6th 1429: March 6th. The scene in which Joan at last meets the dauphin claims a prominent role in every telling of her story, identifying her immediate discovery of the dauphin, who had hidden himself among a crowd of courtiers, as her first significant miracle, the one that ignited the fuse of her messianic trajectory. After all, she’d never seen him or his likeness before—what other than her voices could have tipped her off?” She walked right over to Charles, dropped on her knows and said, “Most noble Lord Dauphin, I have come and am sent by God to bring help to you and your kingdom”.

Charles was impressed and took Joan into a private chat. It was not disclosed until the end of Charles’s life what Joan had said to convince him she was the real deal. Charles made a “humble silent request in prayer to Our Lord … in which he begged him devoutly that if it were true that he was His heir … might it please God to protect and defend him.” Otherwise, he asked that God allow him to escape to the court of one of his allies, in Spain or Scotland. Joan, Charles said, had known the prayer he made, known it in enough detail to convince the dauphin of her legitimacy”. Wow! She somehow knew that he was thinking of escaping to Spain or Scotland.

He was still slow in his actions to allow her to fight, which frustrated Joan, but he did allow her to follow her voices. Although she had convinced Charles of her legitimacy, she was still examined by two women of the court to ensure she was a virgin. Prophecy doesn’t work if she’s been scratching that deep vaginal itch. Nope. Her hymen was intact, which was unusual due to the fact that she’d been ridding a horse through rough conditions for weeks.

That’s actually how I lost my hymen. Rough horseback riding. I used to have the rare penis hymen. Reserved for only the most magnificent of men. It’s a little hymen that covers the end of your ween, so others can tell that it’s still clean and virgin. But, alas, one rough ride and off it went. Which wasn’t all bad, because, at the age of 16, I could finally start peeing out the front and I never peed out of my butt again. When you have a penis hymen, you have to butt pee if you didn’t already know.

ANYWHO.

13.March 11-22 1429: On March 11-22 1429, Joan is sent to Poitiers to meet with a religious tribunal. She will be examined by still more theologians to determine her intentions before she is allowed to proceed. “Alain Chartier, a political commentator as well as a poet, stressed Joan’s unusual intellectual capacities—“she appeared to have studied at University rather than cared for sheep in the fields”—and though the Poitiers [pwa-tyey] record itself is lost, a document accepted as the formal conclusions of the theologians who examined Joan was copied and distributed in the spring of 1429.

14.March 27, 1429: On March 27, Joan is officially presented to the wider court and no princess in all Europe had ever made such memorable a debut. The Count of Vendôme, one of Yolande’s retinue (ˈre-tə-ˌnü), escorted Joan into the Grande Salle on the upper floor of the Château du Milieu. Once the staring, hushed crowd had parted enough to allow Joan and the count to make their way to the throne, the count presented her to a man seated on the throne who was not Charles.

Before Joan’s entrance, Charles had explained the ruse to all present: it was a means of testing the counsel of Joan’s voices. He would change clothes with one of his courtiers (cour·tiers), who would take Charles’s place on the dais (da·is) while the dauphin (dau·phin) hid among the crowd. Joan wasn’t fooled for a moment by the impostor and immediately found the real Charles. Joan recognized him perfectly and Yolonde was pleased with how well the court took to Joan finding Charles.

I gotta say, if all these historical accounts are true, and I have no reason to doubt them - I too would have gotten caught up in her divine inspiration. They’re trying to trick her, they’re making her meet with all of these theological courts, and she just keeps amazing everyone. This next parlor trick is especially impressive.

15.April 6, 1429: April 6, 1429, a week after her presentation to the court at Chinon (She non), Joan arrived in Tours, about five miles northwest of Chinon (She non), to be equipped for battle. She was armed as quickly as possible. Her armor did not have much decoration, but it was of incredible quality and was outrageously expensive. A display of angels adorns her battle standard - the battle flag she would wave to rally troops behind her.

While in Tours Joan send word that she needed a sword that was in the church of Ste. Catherine de Fierbois (Fier-bwa) , behind the altar. “She’d known its location, she told the examiner, not because she’d discovered it herself during the hours she spent in the church but because she had learned of it “through her voices” months after she’d left Sainte-Catherine-de-Fierbois (Fier-bwa). “Immediately it was found there, all rusted over,” she said. “It was in the ground, rusted over, and upon it were five crosses” The sword was cleaned up and presented to her. How ‘bout that shit? I guess she could’ve overheard someone talking about it, but still - impressive.

Joan would end up having five swords, but never using one in battle. She led the troops in charges and guided assaults but never actually ran her sword through the enemy. There is only one record of her using a sword. “Jean, Duke of Alençon [a-lahn- sawn], who watched her “chase a girl who was with the soldiers so hard, with her sword drawn, that she broke her sword over the prostitute’s back, a significant blow as a battle sword typical of its time was a large weapon intended to be used with both hands and weighing as much as ten pounds”. Damn! She was really, really, REALLY into chastity. She was clearly NOT being guided or watched over by Lucifina. Lucifina would not be into Joan’s rigid sexual attitude.

16.April 21st 1429: On April 21st 1429 Joan and her army set out for Blois, 30 miles to the northeast. When Joan arrives she has Pasquerel send a letter to the English armies. Joan was never formally taught to read or to write, but she could clearly dictate the fuck out of a letter.

Here is the letter she sent to the English armies before her first battle against them. She really wasn’t fucking about.

King of England, and you duke of Bedford, who call yourself regent of the kingdom of France; you, William Pole, count of Suffolk; John Talbot, and you Thomas Lord Scales, who call yourselves lieutenants of the said duke of Bedford, make satisfaction to the King of Heaven; surrender to the Maid who is sent here by God, the King of Heaven, the keys of all the good towns which you have taken and violated in France. She is come here by God’s will to reclaim the blood royal. She is very ready to make peace, if you are willing to grant her satisfaction by abandoning France and paying for what you have held. And you, archers, men-at-war, gentlemen and others, who are before the town of Orléans [awr-lee-uh nz], go away into your own country, in God’s name. And if you do not do so, expect tidings from the maid, who will come to see you shortly, to your very great harm. King of England, if you do not do so, I am a chieftain of war, and in whatever place I meet your people in France, I shall make them leave, and in whether they will it or not. And if they will not obey, I will have them all put to death. I am sent here by God, the King of Heaven, body for body, to drive you out of all France. And if they wish to obey, I will show them mercy. And be not of another opinion, for you will not hold the kingdom of France from God, the King of Heaven, son of Saint Mary; for the king Charles, the true heir, will hold it, as is revealed to him by the Maid, he will enter Paris with a good company. If you do not believe these tidings from God and the Maid, in whatever place we find you, we shall strike therein and make so great a tumult that none so great has been in France for a thousand years, if you do not yield to right. Know well that the King of Heaven will send greater strength to the Maid and her good men-at-arms that you in all your assaults can overwhelm; and by the blows it will be seen who has greater favor with the God of Heaven. You, duke of Bedford, the maid prays and requests that you do not bring destruction upon yourself. If you will grant her right, you may still join her company, where the French will do the fairest deed ever done for Christianity. Answer if you wish to make peace in the town of Orléans (Or·lé·ans); and if you do not, you will be reminded shortly to your very great harm.

Written this Tuesday of Holy Week (Scott). Here Joan announces herself as God’s anointed, his messiah: La Pucelle.

Nice! Sends ‘em a little get the fuck out or get kilt warning letter. Don’t say you weren’t warned (Or·lé·ans)! You had your chance. You were given notice! Gonna face the wrath of Joan’s War Hymen now!

17.April 29 1429: On April 29 1429 Joan arrives in Orleans (Or·lé·ans), a city that had been under siege by the English since October of 1428. “Joan had approached Orléans (Or·lé·ans) under the assumption that she was off to wage war, leading an army intended to drive off the English but really, she was just sent by Charles as a cheerleader to boost the moral of the French inhabitants in hopes of inspiring them to revolt. Charles wanted to test how the people responded to her and she was pissed off about being misled.

“You thought you had deceived me,” Joan said to one of the captains who had sidelined her, “but it is you who have deceived yourselves, for I am bringing you better help than ever you got from any soldier or any city.”

That same day, a French sortie distracted the English troops on the west side of Orleans and Joan entered the city unopposed by its eastern gate. She brought greatly needed supplies and reinforcements and inspired the French to a passionate resistance.

18.Tuesday, May 3: On Tuesday, May 3, the people of Orléans [awr- lee-uh nz] held a formal citywide procession in Joan’s honor and “presented money and gifts to the Maid and her companions, and asked them to deliver their town from its siege.” Joan’s captains, seeing the effect she has on the town’s morale, allow her to fight for real now and she personally leads the charge in several battles and on May 7th is struck by an arrow. She quickly dresses her own wound, returns to the fight, and the French win the day. The following day, on May 8, the English retreat from Orleans and the siege is lifted.

140 Englishmen had been killed in the few days of fighting, and another forty taken prisoner. There were only a few French lives lost.

This was a major victory for the French. The city held strategic and symbolic significance to both sides of the conflict. The consensus among contemporaries was that the English regent, John of Lancaster, would have succeeded in realizing Henry V's dream of conquering all of France if Orléans [awr-lee-uh nz] fell.

“The dauphin sent out a notice dated May 10, 1429 (preserved among the records of a number of towns), calling upon all citizens of France to give thanks to God for the great victory at Orléans that had been accomplished by captains who, “through their great prowess and courage in arms, and always by means of the grace of our Lord,… captured the whole of this fortress.”

This victory really turned the tides of war back towards the French. Victory over the English felt more possible now and suddenly men are coming out of the woodwork to fight for both Joan and France.

19.May 13th: On May 13 Joan left for Tours, where she met the dauphin to extract money and victuals to replenish her forces.

20.June 11-12: June 11-12 Joan and her army take Jargeau (George-oh) through heavy battle. This is Joan’s first offensive battle.

Jargeau was a small town on the southern bank of the Loire river in central France, about ten miles east of Orléans [awr-lee-uh nz]. Conquered by the English a few years earlier as a staging point for a planned invasion of southern France, the city was defended by a wall with several towers and fortified gates. A ditch just on the outside of the walls further enhanced the defenses. Outside the walls, suburbs had grown. There was a single fortified bridge, of strategic significance during the latter part of the war, crossing the Loire River to the north bank. The city was defended by approximately 700 troops armed with gunpowder weaponry.

The battle began with a French assault on the suburbs. English defenders left the city walls and the French fell back. Joan of Arc used her standard to begin a French rally. The English retreated to the city walls and the French lodged in the suburbs for the night.

The following morning Joan of Arc called upon the defenders to surrender. They refused. The French followed with heavy artillery bombardment using primitive cannons and siege engines. One of the town's towers fell.

Joan initiates an assault on the town walls, surviving some asshole hurling a stone down on her that splits in two against her helmet as she climbs a scaling ladder. The English suffer heavy losses and abandon the town.

Pretty dope! Her legend grows with another victory.

21.June 15th: Joan and her force of some 6-7,000 take a bridge from the English at Meung-sur-Loire (Manz sur lwah) on the the 15th.

22. June 16th 1429: On the 16th, Joan and her army move to Beaugency (Boo jean see) was a small town of good strategic value on the northern bank of the Loire river in central France. The English controlled virtually everything north of the Loire at this time and taking this town would begin a push into the North.

Another 1,000 troops join her fight.

During the first day of fighting the English abandon the town and retreat into the castle. The French bombard the castle with artillery fire and the English surrender. 23.June 18th: On June 18th, the French fight the English in nearby Patay. It’s a rout. The English lose over 2,000 men out of a force of about 5,000, many of them their precious long bow archers. The French lose only about one hundred men.

After the battle, the French pursue a fleeing English army and inflict more damage.

This was a HUGE victory for the French.

The virtual destruction of the English field army and the loss of many of their principal veteran commanders had devastating consequences for the English position in France, from which it would never recover. During the following weeks the French, facing negligible resistance, were able to swiftly regain swathes of territory to the south, east and north of Paris, and to march to Reims, where the Dauphin was crowned as King Charles VII of France on the 17th of July, which can be a little confusing because he was really already the King of France. His father had died in 1422. But, his father had willed France to the English - kind of. Remember, he was mentally ill and his wife had done that. But then Charles didn’t want to honor that and neither did some of his supporters.

So really, while the English, under Henry the Sixth took over more and more of Northern France, he holed up in Bourges (bürzh) France, and was basically the King of Bourges (bürzh).

But now, with Joan fighting for him, with more military support growing for him, the time for a true coronation is at hand and Joan is there when he is crowned.

And Joan speaks to the court, “Joan the Maid commands and informs you in the name of the King of heaven, her rightful and sovereign Lord, in whose service she is each day, that you should render true obedience and recognition to the gentle King of France … And if you do not I promise you and certify upon your lives that we will enter, with God’s help, all the towns that should belong to the holy kingdom and establish a good firm peace there, whoever comes against us. I commend you to God, may He watch over you if it pleases him”

Everything is going great, right? Kind of. Joan is becoming popular with the people of France. Very popular. She’s seen as having won him the crown, which is not entirely true. She was surrounded by seasoned military commanders who guided her war efforts. They couldn’t get the support of so many troops without her, she couldn’t properly wage ware without their strategic effort. It was a group of effort.

But, the public sees her more than anyone else as the new savior of France. Which, she really is. But the royal court gets nervous regarding how well she’s received versus Charles. They do not like that a common maid is having more military success than the Dauphin and the official French army. They also do not like how much the common people love her. This may be why later, when Joan is captured, he is reluctant to help her.

24.July 17th 1429: On July 17th, Joan sends another letter, this time to the Duke of Burgundy who still aligned with the English crown begging him to not fight his countrymen. And also telling him, essentially, that he better get his shit together and join the cause, or, you know, off with his fucking head. You’re with us or against us Ron Burgundy, I mean Duke of Burgundy.

Great and formidable Prince, Duke of Ron Burgundy, - I know you’re kind of a big deal around here.

But seriously.

Joan the Virgin requests of you, in the name of the King of Heaven, my rightful and sovereign Lord, that the King of France and yourself should make a good firm lasting peace.

So weird that she refers to herself as a virgin. Man, that was such a big deal back then. What a terrible way to assign value to a human being.

(modern woman) “I founded a humanitarian organization that provides clean water and vaccines to children who would otherwise die avoidable and agonizing deaths.”

(Old time king voice) “Yes, yes, but, have loins been pierced by the meat of a man?”

(modern woman) “Um… I don’t know that that’s any of your business. Anyway, I donate my time regularly to a local animal shelter and also recently gave some of my bone marrow to someone who would’ve died without.”

(Old time king voice) “Mmmm. Marrow. Interesting. How many dicks have you placed upon they tongue? Careful with this question, maiden! Any number other than zero places one’s soul in jeopardy and one’s body in the rack!”

(Modern woman) “Are you for real? Last year, I put my career on hold to care, personally, for my dying mother. I’m always quiet at the movie theater - I never leave my phone on. I always share the sidewalk. I understand how to merge onto the freeway - it’s my responsibility to adjust my speed to the flow of traffic and yield to cars already on the freeway…”

(Old time king voice) “What have you allowed in your pooper? Penis or pinky or both? Answer me, wench!”

Fucking crazy how that seemed to be the most important aspect of her character. Not Joan the Brave. Not Joan the Fearless. Not Joan the Loyal. Joan the Patriot. Joan the Savior. No, Joan “the virgin”. Her best quality being that which threatens men the least - a land unconquered by foreign dick. No threat to the frailest of egos.

And she continues.

Fully pardon each other willingly, as faithful Christians should do; and if it should please you to make war, then go against the Saracens. Prince of Burgundy, I pray, beg, and request as humbly as I can that you wage war no longer in the holy kingdom of France, and order your people who are in any towns and fortresses of the holy kingdom to withdraw promptly and without delay. And as for the noble King of France, he is ready to make peace with you, saving his honor; if you’re not opposed. And I tell you, in the name of the King of Heaven, my rightful and sovereign Lord, for your well-being and your honor and [which I affirm] upon your lives, that you will never win a battle against the loyal French, and that all those who have been waging war in the holy kingdom of France have been fighting against King Jesus, King of Heaven and of all the world, my rightful and sovereign Lord. And I beg and request of you with clasped hands to not fight any battles nor wage war against us – neither yourself, your troops nor subjects; and know beyond a doubt that despite whatever number [duplicated phrase] of soldiers you bring against us they will never win. And there will be tremendous heartbreak from the great clash and from the blood that will be spilled of those who come against us. And it has been three weeks since I had written to you and sent proper letters via a herald [saying] that you should be at the anointing of the King, which this day, Sunday, the seventeenth day of this current month of July, is taking place in the city of Rheims – to which I have not received any reply. Nor have I ever heard any word from this herald since then.

I commend you to God and may He watch over you if it pleases Him, and I pray God that He shall establish a good peace.

Written in the aforementioned place of Rheims on the aforesaid seventeenth day of July.

I can’t stop picturing Will Ferrell’s Ron Burgundy character being the man reading this. “Well... THAT escalated quickly.” 25.August 7th: On August 7th, the Duke of Burgundy and the Duke of Bedford both claim that Charles anointing is invalid. So…. safe to say Burgundy didn’t care for Joan’s letter. The Duke of Burgundy actually issues a challenge for Charles to meet him on the battlefield. He does not accept. Instead, on August 28th, Charles signs a four month treaty with the Duke of Burgundy to try and push pause on the fighting with them for a bit. He does not tell Joan. Joan was 7 miles north of Paris, waiting to attack the English controlled city. She decided to not wait to hear from Charles and she takes the 3,000-4,000 men with her and attacks Paris in September with half of France’s army.

Joan spends two weeks in small skirmishes around the walls of the fortified city of Paris. she accomplishes little.

26.September 8th: On September 8th, Charles finally gives the go- ahead to fully attack Paris. It doesn’t work and Joan takes a cross bolt to her thigh. She’s badly wounded. Failing to take the city and getting wounded causes some to start to doubt Joan and her connection to god.

Man - fair weather fans! When the going was good they hopped on the bandwagon and now after a couple failed attempts at taking Paris back under French control they’ve turned on her.

Joan recuperates in Bourges over the following several weeks.

27.November 4-8: When she’s recovered, Charles sends her to besiege Saint-Pierre-le-Moûtier, (Sant Pierre Le Mute-teay) more village than town, but an expertly fortified village that he didn’t expect to buckle under her weakened charge. Less fortified. Easier to take. Little confidence builder. She succeeds and takes the town.

28.November 24-December 24th: A few weeks later she’s unsuccessful again, failing to take the town of La Charite (Shar- reet). However, a day after abandoning the siege of the heavily fortified village, Joan heads to Jargeau (George-oh) on Christmas Day and receives letters from Charles conferring nobility on her and her family in “thanks for the multiple and striking benefits of divine grandeur that have been accorded us through the agency of the Maid” and in consideration of “the praiseworthy, graceful, and useful services already rendered by the aforesaid”.

29.March 29th 1430: A few months later, on March 29th, Joan attacks the town of Lagny-sur-Marne (La knee sur man eh) She’s only leading 500 men at this point and she spends three weeks taking the city. And then, the following month, according to legend, she performs a miracle.

30.April 1430: In April, Joan (according to witnesses) raises a child from the dead. Here is her talking about it at her later trail:

“How old was this infant?” the examiner asked Joan.

“Three days old. They told me three days had passed with no sign of life in the child, which was as black as my coat of mail.”

She was in church, kneeling before an image of the Virgin, when the boy’s mother and sisters came to her with his corpse, and she prayed with them, and, as she testified, “at last life appeared in the child, which yawned thrice, and was afterwards baptized, and immediately it died and was buried in consecrated ground. But when it yawned, the color began to return.”

“Was it said in the town that the resuscitation was due to your prayers?”

“I did not inquire about it,” Joan said, although she knew better than any that “the incident was trumpeted as a miracle.”

Gonna be honest - I was hoping for a better miracle story than three yawns and staying alive long enough to be baptized and then just dying again. I mean, if you’re gonna work a miracle, work a fucking cool. Like, bring the kid back to life, and then, I don’t know - keep him alive longer than a few minutes. Let him grow up and become a cool knight or something. Or work the fields with his family. Or be the town drunk. Whatever. Anything’s better than yawning three times.

The month following the miracle of the three yawns would be a real bummer for Joan. Her ass-kicking ways would come to an end and she would fight her last battle.

31.On May 14, 1430. In May of 1430, Joan was in the town of Compiègne [kawn-pyen-yuh] . A reception is held in her honor due to her promise to defend the town from a Burgundian siege.

Yes, that Duke of Burgundy, that dude who didn’t care for her letter, he’d amassed a sizable army of his own to fight on behalf of the English Crown, and he headed over to Compiègne [kawn- pyen-yuh] to do some damage.

Joan of Arc planned to surprise the Burgundian assault with the assistance of Compiègne’s [kawn-pyen-yuh] governor, Guillaume de Flavy, on May 19th, attacking an outpost near neighboring Margny while it was separated from the main force.

Count John of Luxembourg saw Joan and her men by chance while taking a survey of the territory and called in reinforcements for the Burgundian side of the battle. The reinforcements outnumbered the attackers and Joan of Arc ordered a retreat, taking the position of honor at the extreme rear of her forces as they headed back to the city. Her bravery was never in question. Hanging in the back. Taking the greatest chance of capture or death.

And then, before all the French defenders could return to Compiègne [kawn-pyen-yuh], the governor closed the city gate, leaving the French rear guard and Joan trapped outside the city walls to await death or capture.

Joan and the men outside the wall surrendered, a Burgundian soldier grabbed the edge of her cloth-of-gold doublet, threw her off from her horse and onto the ground, and that was it for Joan’s military career.

Joan was taken prisoner by the Duke of Burgundy who handed over Joan over on January 3, 1431 to Pierre Cauchon, bishop of Beauvais [boh-vey] would try her for heresy [her-uh-see] and witchcraft by tribunal, which had been selected by Pierre Cauchon himself, and consisted of 10 Burgundian theologians, 22 canons of Rouen [roo-ahn] (all in the hands of the English), and some monks of different orders.

32.October 1430: In October of 1430, Joan decides she’d rather not wait around for her trial and she attempts to escape capture by leaping from a tower window. “There was nothing that might have broken her fall—no tree limb or anything else that might encourage escape, no hillock of grass or cushion of undergrowth. She landed in the castle’s dry moat”.

This escape attempt would then be used against her at her trial, suicide being a big sin. Here’s a little trial excerpt.

“Did you expect to kill yourself when you leaped?”

“No, because as I leaped I commended myself to God and Our Lady.”

“Hadn’t your voices forbidden you to jump?”

“I begged their pardon afterward. I admitted I was wrong in jumping, and my angels forgave me. They saw my need, and that I could in no way hold myself back, so they lent aid to my life and prevented me from being killed.”

“Did you receive any great penance?”

“A large part of my penance was the hurt I did myself in falling.”

The hurt Joan did herself was significant enough that she didn’t know where she was when she regained consciousness; her Burgundian captors had to tell her.

“For two days she neither ate nor drank nor moved,” and the physician who attended her feared she’d broken her back.

Man. What a trial. Reminds me of the Salem Witch Trials we sucked on way back. Arguing about things no one can prove, like whether or not A) angels are even real, and B) did the angels forgive Joan for jumping from a window.

33.November 9-11: Between November 9th and 11th, Joan is taken to Rouen [roo-ahn] for her trial in “an iron cage, in which she was held in a standing position, secured by the neck, the hands, and the feet, and that she was kept in it from the moment when she was brought to Rouen until the opening of her trial”

34.December 23rd: On December 23rd, 1430, Joan arrives in Rouen [roo-ahn], capital of Normandy! A cell at Rouen [roo-ahn] is where Joan was held for the last five months of her life. Where she would always wear leg irons. Where at night she’d lay chained by the legs with two pairs of irons and tightly secured by another chain which passed through the legs of her bed. That chain was attached to a great block of wood five or six feet long, by means of a lock. Night and day she was left in the care of five guards “of the lowest sort … common torturers”.

Should Joan have to go to the bathroom, with which all such keeps were furnished, a guard unlocked and accompanied her to the closet-sized room with a hole in the floor through which waste dropped directly into a cesspit or moat. Typically, the atmosphere that filled such privies was so saturated with ammonia gas that they came to be called cloakrooms, where guests could expect their coats to be hung, believing the caustic smell strong enough to kill vermin”.

Once again Joan’s virginity is checked. To check it this time, she is stripped nude, and twenty of the priests assigned to her trial take a thick blade of field grass, and while her legs are spread wide and held there with a stock-type device, each priest gets to shove the grass blade into her vagina ten times. Any blood on the grass? No virgin. After all of that, her hymen is checked by a doctor who puts a small ball of cheese cloth wrapped in twine, no bigger than the size of a small apple, into her vagina and it must be left there for two full days. Then, Joan has to jump in place for one hour. It the cheesecloth falls out - not a virgin. Then the cloth is taken out and each of the priests smell it. If it smells like dick - no virgin. Then it’s tossed in a stew pot and cooked into a broth. If the broth tastes like dick - no virgin. Then, the priests take turn sucking each other’s dick to remind themselves what dick tastes and smells like. And if you still think this virginity test really happened - God bless ya! I love you so much.

No. Her hymen was checked on by a mid wife not a bunch of horny, strange, dick-sucking priests.

Gotta make sure that hymen is rock solid before sentencing her to be burned alive. Super important. Once again, Joan passes the hymen test. She had to have had the most thoroughly inspected vagina ever.

To prevent sexual assault and protect her all important hymen, Joan wore, “two layers of hosen securely fastened to the doublet, the inner layer being waist-high conjoined woolen hosen attached to the doublet by fully twenty cords, each cord tied into three eyelets apiece (two on the hosen and one on the doublet), for a total of forty attachment points on the inner layer of hosen. The second layer, which was made of rugged leather, seems to have been attached by yet another set of cords. Once this outfit was thus fastened together by dozens of cords connecting both layers to the doublet, it would be a substantial undertaking for someone to try to pull off these garments … The use of twenty cords on the inner layer was an excessively large and exceedingly awkward amount for this type of clothing, which normally had no more than half that number, indicating that she was deliberately taking measures to further increase its protective utility at the cost of her own convenience”.

Not gonna let some sneaky guard rape her! I mean, I guess they could’ve knocked her unconscious and taken all that stuff off, but, can’t do that without the bishop and others finding out. She was fierce, that Joan. Strange obsession with virginity but I admire her conviction.

Also - where the fuck is Charles during all of this? Where the fuck is Chuck? She busted her ass to crown him King and then, after winning a ton of battles and turning the tides or war, he seems to abandon her once she’s captured.

This one of the great mysteries of Saint Joan's story. He never gave a reason. Perhaps he was glad to see her 'out of his hair' because he did not like being told what to do by a peasant. Maybe his court convinced him to let her face her trial alone because he believed Joan of Arc was becoming too powerful and influential and he was jealous.

There was a Bishop at the time who wrote Charles urging him to do everything in his power to help and ransom Joan of Arc from the enemy or he would be guilty of "Monstrous Ingratitude." But, the King ignored the Bishop's letter.

I get him not doing anything militarily - it might have just not been the right time to lay siege to Rouen [roo-ahn] and save her. But why didn’t he send some letters? Offer to pay some sort of ransom? Pretty messed up that he didn’t seem to do anything at all.

35.January 9th 1431: On January 9th, Joan’s trial begins. And before we get into the trial’s details, let’s take a break from this Timeline and check in with today’s Idiots of the Internet.

PAUSE IDIOTS OF THE IDIOT INTRO

IV. Idiots of the Internet A. Quick note before I poke fun at a couple silly heads this week - as I stated at the beginning of this Suck, I may be last week’s Idiot of the Internet. I may have grossly misunderstood a post that actually did make sense instead of being off the charts whackadoodleness. Just want you to know I will be calling myself out in today’s Timesucker Updates.

Alright. Let’s see if I get it right this week.

User Doc Spot posted a video titled Joan of Arc Documentary last November that is just that, a Joan of Arc documentary. A story of her life and death.

And DJ FX let’s us know that A) he’s watched it, and B) he doesn’t like how she was treated at her trial. He posts: “Those who condemned her will pay.”

Ummmm, do you how time works DJ FX? I’m pretty sure, and by pretty sure I mean positive, that everyone who was gonna pay either did or didn’t already pay, considering this happened almost 600 years ago.

So, maybe go with something like, “I hope those condemned her paid dearly.” Or, “I hope those condemned her continue to pay.” Or, maybe add a parenthetical to your post. Something like, “Writing this in 1431 from my time machine.”

B. User Sean O’Dwyer got very upset by the documentary, specifically by England’s treatment of Joan, posting: “we should all burn England and English too death. too hell with England destroy that devil nation.”

Well, tell me how you really feel, Sean. You do realize that even though the English may have rigged her trial, they also could’ve easily just killed her for attacking them. To be fair, she did devote her short, adult life to waging war against them. You know that, right? She did lead men into countless battles trying to kill English soldiers. A little silly to think that once they’ve captured her, they’re going to treat her like a queen. And, also, maybe a little silly to burn the English today for what their ancestors did six centuries ago. There’s also that.

C. A Youtube battle breaks out! Those are always fun. It starts off when some dude named Michael shits on Joan’s religion, posting:

“So once again God picks an illiterate peasant to spread his word. Odd he never appears to anyone who is educated.”

First off, let me just point out that while she wasn’t educated, her contemporaries found her to be far from stupid. Found her to be highly intelligent, actually.

Religious user Matthew Fitzgerald doesn’t care for Michael’s inflammatory words and writes some of his own: “Michael I let God decide who he picks for his ministries and if you look back at all the biblical figures they were all flawed in some way Abraham almost killed his own son for God Moses tried to get out of it when God asked him to do it David was a murderer and adulterer and sometimes a fool so we shouldn't try to second-guess who God chooses.”

And then, incredibly, Michael apologizes, posting, “You’re right. Sorry. Religion is a matter of faith and to try and hold it to logical standards really isn’t fair. Also, what do I care? It happened a long time ago and doesn’t really affect my life. Have a good one, Matthew. Live and let live!”

Yeah right. He doesn’t post that. He reiterates his original thought, “Matthew, Funny your god never chooses intelligent people.”

And Matthew fires right back! “Michael that's because he gave all the smarts to you so you can spend your time making youtube comments, because apparently you have no depth or life. But thanks for your words of wisdom. Just what the world needs another moron.”

And then Michael lets the world know that he REALLY doesn’t like being called a moron and he ups the ante, significantly, posting:

“Matthew,

Well I'm smart enough not to believe in some man made sky fairy. But it is obvious that you do believe in the sky fairy which explains your lack of depth and no life. Just what the world needs, another jesus freak fuckhead. Piss on your god.”

Wow! Really kicks it up with that one. Matthew is not amused. He shoots over, “Michael first of all man I don't give a fuck what you believe you are the YouTube comment King now leave me the fuck alone.” And then he disappears from the comment board entirely despite so many other users trying to bait him back in.

Guessing he’s still riled up. Every once in awhile he just says, towards no one in particular, “Fuck Michael! Fuck that godless troll!” Cut to him punching a hole in the drywall of his home.

(wife) “Matthew! Are you thinking about Michael again!?!”

(Matthew) “No Elizabeth. I’m fine! He’s not worth my thoughts. He’s not WORTH IT!” Cut to him punching another hole.

D. USer Richard Wilmot, Ph.D. proves that his doctorate is not in joke writing by posting the following: “What Joan said to shithole Charles: I've got this great joke for you from God: what did the cherry say to the cock? ...... Hi man!”

Get it!?! “Hi man”! As in hymen. Because she was a virgin. It’s a word play joke that doesn’t work as a joke the way it’s written. It’s too convoluted. Why would Joan say that to Charles? Because he thinks it’s funny that she’s a virgin? Because he’s not a virgin? Why does she need to tell him that joke is from God? Why would you tell anyone that a dirty street joke is from God? “Hey man, got this joke from God for you! You ready? A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise." And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key.” Haha! God wanted you to hear that! Get it? Because God thinks it’s funny that your wife is cheating on you. Get it? God doesn’t like you, but rather than add further misery to your life, God thought it would be better if he told me a joke to tell you that would annoy you if in fact your wife is cheating on you. If not, well, mysterious ways! Truly, God works in mysterious ways!”

Silly old Dr. Dick! Dr. Dick Wilmot - joke doctor! Humor surgeon! PhD in Knee Slapping Tom Foolery! Alright. Let’s get out of here and get back into some Joan, which is a weird thing to say since Joan is the name of my mother-in-law. Gotta get up into some Joan. I hope my wife Lynze hears me say that. She’ll probably throw up. But really, time to Suck hard on some sweet, sweet Joan.

PAUSE IDIOTS OF THE INTERNET OUTRO

1. Trial continued: So - Joan’s on trial. Sixty assessors - SIXTY dudes with nothing better to do than decide if Joan is a witch or not - forty of whom will attend each day of the trial’s public sessions, were drawn from the University of Paris, mostly Dominicans, and this “trial” was being financed by those loyal to England, which is not good for Joan’s chances.

Church law stated all people under twenty-five accused of heresy must have a lawyer, but this teenager was denied a legal advocate, forced to defend herself in front of a rigged jury. Damn.

Many historians cite this trial as the first important, widely publicized “witch trial and burning in Europe.” “Her trial, its verdict, and the publication of her example united as a catalyst for the three centuries’ worth of zealous, often hysterical, witch hunts amounting to the theatrically cruel execution of as many as a hundred thousand women—a “vast holocaust,” in the words of one historian.

Damn. That’s a whole lot of killing over utter fucking nonsense. She’s been charged with three primary indictments:

(1) The first of these was that she used magic because she claimed to hear voices from St. Michael, St. Margaret, and St. Catherine. It was these voices which told her to dress as a boy and fight for the French in the Hundred Years War against the English. The charge against her stated that the voices were actually demons instead of saints. They accused her of being linked to the devil

(2) The second indictment affirmed what was actually true--that she was headstrong in speaking out for her faith. The reason this was a crime is because she acted inappropriately as a woman in the church in her time. She dressed as a boy, fought in war, took communion as a male, all of which horrified the judges and people of her time.

(3) The third set of accusations reflects Joan of Arc's pure obedience to God. It was said, "'she does not submit herself to the judgment of the Church Militant, or to that of living men, but to God alone,' whom, [the University of Paris] said, she claimed to know through her diabolical voices."

Heresy [hair-uh-see] and witchcraft were the two most important actual charges.

2. February 21 1431: On February 21st, 1431, the first public trial is held. Joan was taken through the streets to her trial, but because her leg shackles were so tight she could not be marched or even walked. She was half dragged to her final location. Joan is still refusing to abandon her men’s clothing. Why? She claims God has not given her permission she can not go back to women’s wear.

This poor woman. Brave, courageous, loyal, and so clearly mentally ill.

The trial was strenuous. Her accusers asked difficult questions meant to trip up the Maid of Orleans [awr-lee-uh nz]. More often than not she was asked more than one question at a time, and they would not repeat themselves. Each day the trial went on from eight to eleven hours. ELEVEN HOURS OF ABSOLUTE NONSENSE.

Here are some excerpts from this sham of a trial:

“Will you place your hands on the holy gospels, and promise to speak the truth in answer to all questions put before you?”

“I do not know what you wish to examine me on,” Joan said. “Perhaps you might ask such things that I would not tell.”

“Will you swear to speak the truth upon those things which are asked you concerning the matter of faith and about what you know?”

“About my father and mother and what I have done since I had taken the road to France, I will gladly swear. As for my revelations from God, I will say nothing, not to save my head.”

“What priest baptized you?”

“Master Jean Minet, as far as I know.”

“Is Master Minet still living?”

“I believe so.”

“How old are you?”

“Nineteen, I think.”

“Recite the Paternoster for us.”

“I will gladly, if you hear me in confession.”

“Where do you expect to die?” the archbishop asked Joan, yanking her attention back to what he intimated might be her imminent demise.

“Wherever God pleases,” Joan said. “For myself, I do not know the time or the place, any more than you do.”

The trial goes on for two weeks. For awhile, a guard would let Joan stop at a church to pray on the way to the hearing, but he is caught and Joan is no longer allowed in the church.

Joan answers the questions better than her inquisitors had hoped so they move the trial from a public area to her cell so people are less inclined to revolt when they eventually burn her, which they clearly intended to do from the very beginning. From March 10 to March 17 she’s interrogated in her cell nine times.

3. March 25th: On March 25th, Bishop Cauchon tells Joan that she can attend Palm Sunday if she’ll agree to wear women’s clothing. She refuses and misses the first Palm Sunday of her life.

4. April 15th: On April 15 Bishop Cauchon in an usual gesture sends Joan a piece of Carp for dinner. Throughout the night she becomes very ill. She soils the bed she is chained to. A physician is called in and a priest is called to administer last rites. Joan tells everyone the Bishop poisoned her. However, historians now think it’s more likely that it was a food born illness from the lack of hygiene and treatment of food.

5. May 2nd: On May 2nd, Joan is publicly admonished for failing to submit to the church, wearing male clothing, and practicing witchcraft. 6. May 9th: On May 9th, Bishop Cauchon threatens to torture Joan to get her full confession. The Inquisition favored the rack for the extraction of secrets withheld, and its operators stood by, prepared to pull Joan’s bones out of joint. Joan does not flinch and ultimately they do not torture her.

7. May 24th. On May 24th, Joan is publicly accused of Witchcraft. They are ready to burn her, but she decides to confess to her sins and agrees to put on women’s clothing to avoid the flames. She says she’ll never don men’s attire again and never pick arms against the English. She is taken back to prison. She’s obviously terrified over what’s about to happen to her.

8. May 28th: On May 28th, Joan resumes dressing as a man. She’s struggling between what she feels God wants her to do and what the Bishop wants her to do. Bishop Cauchon is personally offended and two days later on May 30th, 1431 Joan is taken to be burned alive in the old market place in Rouen for her relapse in to men’s clothing, which the Church considers heresy. [her-uh- see] “Joan was dressed in a rough tunic, either gray or black, “and on the miter [mahy-ter] which she had upon her head was written the following words, ‘Heretic, relapse, apostate, idolater.’ A placard set before the bundles of wood bore a legend: ‘Joan who had herself named the Maid, liar, pernicious person, abuser of people, soothsayer, superstitious woman, blasphemer of God, presumptuous, unbeliever in the faith of Jesus Christ, boaster, idolater, cruel, dissolute, invoker of devils, apostate, schismatic and heretic’”

And then, the fire was lit and legend has it, a lot of weird shit happened. Many who watched Joan die spoke of seeing “Jesus” “written in the flames of the fire in which she was burned.”

When an English soldier who had been particularly vocal about his hatred for Joan heard her call on Jesus as she burned, he succumbed to “rapture” so intense it left him insensible. Once revived “with the aid of strong drink,” he spoke of seeing “a white dove flying from the direction of France at the moment she was giving up the ghost.”

While her body was burning, she kept repeating the name of Jesus over and over to give her strength.

The executioner, who had been instructed to incinerate Joan’s clothes, shoes, plate, spoon—whatever belongings a prisoner might own—along with every scrap of her flesh and throw all the ash into the Seine [sane], found it impossible to burn her organs or reduce them to ashes. He believed he was witnessing a miracle.

By noon the executioner was on his knees before a priest, weeping for his lost soul, begging for absolution in which he couldn’t believe: so horrific was his crime.

The Hundred Years' War continued for twenty-two years after her death.

9. 1435: In 1435, the Treaty of Arras (air uhs) was signed between the Duke of Burgundy and King Charles VII. Philip recognized Charles VII as king of France and, in return, Philip was exempted from homage to the crown, and Charles agreed to punish the murderers of Philip's father Duke John I of Burgundy.

England’s military weakened under the leadership of the boy King, Henry VI, only 14 years old in 1435 and ruling now without a regent, and then Charles VII took back The Duchy of Normandy in 1450, and then after the Battle of Castillon [cass -tee - ohn] in 1453, the English didn’t officially sign a peace treaty but they did leave France other than the one port city of Calais, and the war was over.

And THEN, when Charles VII had the English kicked out of France he has Joan retried in death and she is found innocent of all charges on July 7th, 1456. Just 25 years too late. 10.April 18th 1909: And then, hundreds of years later, on April 18th, 1909, Joan is beatified [bee-at-uh-fahy], which means she is recognized, official by the church as a blessed person.

It’s a declaration made by the Pope that the deceased lived a holy life and/or died a martyr's death and is now dwelling in heaven. As a process, the beatification consists of a years-long examination of the life, virtues, writings, and reputation for holiness of the servant of God under consideration.

It’s like being made Saint-light.

11. May 16th 1920: And then, on May 16th, 1920, Joan is canonized by the church and made a saint. She was canonized by Pope Benedict XV, concluding the canonization process that the Sacred Congregation of Rites instigated after a petition of 1869 of the French Catholic hierarchy. It took fifty-one years to get all the paperwork done - and you thought the government moved slow! Fifty-one years and 489 years after she died.

And all of that takes out of this beast of a Timesuck Timeline.

PAUSE TIMESUCK TIMELINE OUTRO

V. Conclusions:

Wow. What a Game of Thrones type Suck, right? Like many Sucks, I found myself intrigued more by the times Joan lived in than by Joan herself. Not that she wasn’t incredible.

In thirteen known engagements, her troops were victorious nine times. At least thirty different cities, towns, and villages surrendered without a fight when she approached with her army. She was a skilled horseman and swordsman, and tactically, she knew how to direct armies and place gunpowder artillery. She never pulled off a major upset against an army with a superior artillery - all four of her defeats occurred when the enemy matched her artillery strength, but she was an aggressive and competent military leader. Pretty damn impressive considering she was a teenage farm girl, not a veteran and trained military commander.

And the time she lived in was full of so much chaos - so many deals being made and alliances formed and treaties signed and then broken over and over and over again. What a terribly unstable time to live in.

And then, to be tried by a bunch of old men, none of whom ever fought in battle, in a kangaroo court that eventually sentenced her to death, for essentially, dressing like a man. Crazy. Crazy life, crazy death. Be glad you don’t live in the 15th century.

And now let’s take another look back at it with today’s Top Five Takeaways.

PAUSE TOP FIVE TAKEAWAYS INTRO

VI. Top Five Takeaways

1. Number One. Joan of Arc’s military success against the English and English allies in 1429, when she was just 16 and 17 year olds turned the tides of the Hundred Years War against the English and paved the way for King Charles the 7th to take the throne and eventually kick the English out of France for good.

2. Number Two. Joan was, for sure, a virgin. She had her sweet hymen tested over and over again. Angels checked in on her regarding that hymen. The royal court of France gave it a look over and so did the men who ran in charge of her inquisition. There are rumors that she was raped by historians chalk these up to a mis-translation during her trial.

3. Number Three. Joan of Arc is in fact, Saint Joan of Arc now, but she was not made a saint until nearly 500 years after death. Small consolation for the man she helped crown King not doing shit to help her during her trial. 4. Number Four: Joan would have never been allowed anywhere near the future King of France had it not been for a prophecy attributed to Merlin - a wizard, who supposedly stated that a maid would come from the forest to save France!

5. Number Five: New info! Let’s talk a little Joan of Arc pop culture. Several films have been made about Joan of Arc over the years and most have been panned.

In 1999, there was a four hour mini-series titled “Joan of Arc” starring Leelee Sobieski with a 10% favorable rating amongst critics and a 58% favorable rating from the audience. Victoria Alexander of FilmsInReview.com said, “Sobieski doesn't have a clue.”

There was also the two and-a-half hour long 1999 Milla Jovoovich Joan of Arc: The Messenger. 30% favorable rating from critics, 58% for the audience. Kenneth Turan from the LA Times said of the film, “Nothing less than a miracle saved France, The Messenger tells us, and nothing less than a miracle would be needed to rescue this film from itself.” And Terry Lawson from the Detroit Free Press said, “What an unholy mess.” And, my favorite: Widgett Walls of NeedCoffee.com said “I know less about Joan of Arc now than I did going into the film.”

So, I didn’t watch those. I went back, WAY back, to 1928, to a Danish directed French silent film, THE PASSION OF JOAN OF ARC. 98% favorable rating amongst critics and 93% favorable amongst the audience even though it is a silent film without even an official score. At least not one that’s known. Apparently, when people watched it in 1928, a live orchestra would play whatever they thought suited it. I recommend watching it with System of a Down’s Mesmerize and Hypnotize albums.

That’s a terrible choice. Messe de Nostre Dame by the 14th century composer Guillaume de Machaut is actually perfect. You can find versions of it on Youtube, Spotify, etc. It’s a masterpiece of medieval music, originally performed at a Mass.

Many consider the performance of Renée Jeanne Falconetti, who played Joan in the film, to be one of the single greatest, if not THE single greatest, acting performances of all time.

The film was controversial in it’s day. Director Carl Theodor Dreyer premiered the film on 21 April 1928 in Copenhagen. Then, that fall, it debuted in Paris in edited form - the Archbishop of Paris and the French government cutting it down from 110 minutes to 82. It was protested in Britain for depicting Joan’s British captors too harshly. On December 6th, 1928, the film’s only negative was destroyed when the Berlin studio it was housed in burned down. Carl Dreyer recut the film from negatives of alternate and originally unused takes. And then, in 1929, the lab those negatives were stored in also burned down. How crazy is that? Joan burned and so did the first two cuts of her film. The original version of the film was lost for decades. In 1951, a copy of the negatives of the second cut was found, but Dreyer himself panned this version. Then, in 1981, an employee of the Dikemark Mental Institution in Olso, the capital of Norway, found a canister containing the original cut of the film in a janitor’s closet. Ha! Apparently, the director of the institution in 1928 was also a published historian and had requested a cut. And now, you can watch this lost masterpiece, for free, on Youtube.

Roger Ebert praised the film and said that "You cannot know the history of silent film unless you know the face of Renee Maria Falconetti."

In 2010, the Toronto International Film Festival released its "Essential 100" list of films, which merged one list of the 100 greatest films of all time as determined by an expert panel of TIFF curators with another list determined by TIFF stakeholders. The Passion of Joan of Arc was ranked as the most influential film of all time.

And the lead of the movie, was so cruelly treated by the director to evoke the pain of Joan’s persecution and trial, that it was her final film. She returned to theater after it’s production, never working in film again after being screamed at by the director and demanded to do take, after take, after take, kneeling of concrete for hours in some cases and asked to show no emotion because the director wanted to capture her inner physical pain and frustration.

So check it out! And that’s all for today’s takeaways.

PAUSE TOP FIVE TAKEAWAYS OUTRO

VII.Final Announcements A. Joan of Arc has been Sucked! Holy shit that was a deep dive. Next time I do a shorter Suck, if one clocks in around an hour - remember this one. Damn. Lot of info.

1. Big thanks to Harmony Vellekamp, Jesse Dobner, Reverend Doctor Josh Krell, Alex Dugan, the Bit Elixir Team, Danger Brain, Merch Maestro Erik Radaker, Lynze Cummins, and the entire Timesuck team for their help. Huge thanks to Heather Rylander this week for kicking me off on this big Joan of Arc Suck.

This Friday - another Bonus Episode. Edgar Allan Poe! What was up with that dark, creepy fuck of a writer. Ever seen a picture of Edgar Allan Poe? Looked more like a serial killer than an author. He’s a literary giant. Made the short story popular in America. Considered to be basically the inventor of American detective fiction. The first American author to try and make a living off only his fiction. He was a trail blazer. And, he had two dicks. Each over ten inches long. Flacid. Very impressive. That’s not true It is true he’s basically the father of the American horror story. And we love horror here on the suck. So let’s suck his strange life on Friday. All of it.

And now, let’s find out what you Suckers have been drawn to this past week, with some Timesucker Updates!

PAUSE TIMESUCKER UPDATES INTRO

VIII. Timesucker Updates A. Am I last week’s Idiot of the Internet?? Alright Timesuckers. Time for me to wallow in shame and eat some crow. Turns out, I may have fucked up in numerous ways in regard to last week’s Japanese Suicide Forest episode. Damn it! I felt really good about that one too.

For starters, my favorite idiot of the internet in weeks may not be an idiot after all.

Youtube User Eaman Ali had posted, under the trailer for the horror movie, The Forest, a movie that is supposed to be set in the Japanese Suicide Forest:

“BOYCOTT this movie!!!! They are turning actual mentally ill people who committed suicide with grieving family members into evil spirits and scary ghosts. This is so offensive. Please don't watch this. Mental illness is a huge issue in Japan, stop taking away its importance.”

And I made fun of Eaman for thinking that the ghosts of mentally ill people who had committed suicide were used in filming, which is ridiculous.

And many Timesuckers wrote in, including Cassidy from Kansas City.

1. Listening to the Suicide Forest Suck and I'm pretty sure that last IOTI meant that the production company was profiting off of the real people's real tragedy instead of creating a fictitious setting for the movie. Like half of the marketing is already done if you're setting a film in The Suicide Forest. It's like setting a fictitious love story that ends in the lovers finding each other in the World Trade Center rubble right before the tower collapses. They just thought it was in poor taste. But, I'm sure, OH Suck Master, you already knew that and this was just a test. Suck On My Wayward Son, Cassidy from Kansas City

2. Megan Henderson reiterated Cassidy’s statement, writing: Hey, Dan! Just listening to the Suicide Forest podcast. It's amazing, except....Your idiots of the internet portion. The last one that you couldn't get over, the guy talking about the mentally ill people being turned into monsters. Even just from hearing you read the comment, it doesn't sound like he thinks that's what's literally happening to me lol. It sounds more like he is upset that mentally ill people have been *portrayed* (or turned into, in the movie itself) as monsters. The fact that anyone would interpret that comment he made into he literally believes the director hired a necromancer is bizarre to me. Just my two cents!

Love your show, Hail Lucifina! Thanks, Megan

Alright! Alright, Megan and Cassidy and so many others. I think I know what happened here. Sometimes, for comedic, entertainment value, the comic in me really wants something to be true. Little example of cognitive bias I try to fight and sometimes lose. Basically, the thought that Eaman actually believes that the spirits of mentally ill people who committed suicide were then somehow used in a film was and is so funny to me that I really, really wanted that to be true. I wanted it so badly that I didn’t stop and go, “Wait a minute. Couldn’t he just mean that the movie is exploiting mentally ill people, i.e. people that kill themselves due to being mentally ill, for profit. That seems much, much more probably.

Thanks for calling me out you guys. I’ll work harder to not just see what I want to see with Youtube commenters going forward. B. Japanese Pronunciation Issues: Also, I riled a few Timesuckers with some Japanese mispronunciations.

1. Sherry Cortes, and many other Timesuckers wrote in about a pronunciation struggle I had with last week’s Timesuck, saying:

Dear Reverend Professor Doctor Sucker M.D.-- You and your pronunciations. Being a Japanese Studies minor in college and writing her thesis on the Samurai, I screamed every time you mispronounced "daimyo". (die-me-yo) It isn't however the hell you were saying it--I can't even remember, I think I blacked out whenever you said it. The proper pronunciation of "daimyo" is like so: die-me-yo (like yo yo, whassup homie) Everything else was pretty on the money, it was just that one word that had me going into seizures. That is all for now. Good job on the Samurai history--it's hard to put together a thousand year history in the space of a few minutes. I barely scratched the surface with a 100+ page paper. Bravo, master of the Suckage.

2. Timesucker Ted Samuel reiterated this message, saying:

Dan you mush mouth motherfucker. I may be wrong but I’m pretty sure Daimyo is pronounced Dai (die) myo (me-yo). Or (dime yo). Not Dah myah as it sounded coming from you. But that’s the way I have heard from other sources keep on sucking and hope that book I sent ya helped with the samurai info you presented

Yes Ted - thank you for the samurai book! Putting on a samurai Suck on the calendar now!

You and Sherry and a lot of other Timesuckers are correct. The correct pronunciation is die-me-yo. In my defense, I looked up three different pronunciation videos for this word, and all three sounded different. Again, this is the trouble with certain foreign words. I focus the time I have each week primarily on narrative content - what are the facts. Then, what do I think about those facts. Then, how can I make this funny? And THEN, am I pronouncing everything correctly. Unfortunately, it can take literally hours to find the correct pronunciation of some words. Hours I don’t have. AND - sometimes you find a video or website that claims to be correct only to find out later that it’s incorrect. AND, many words are pronounced in a variety of ways. One way in the native tongue, another way in the Americanized version, another still in the British version, another in Scottish, another in Irish, Canadian, South African, Australian, New Zealander, etc.

Point is, it’s tricky. Major network broadcasters have producers who fact check this stuff and they still screw up. Just know I do spend probably more time than you realize doing my best. And, I do like to have these mistakes pointed out because I realized how important accuracy is. Mistakes like this remind me to look into words a little harder. Learn a little more. And learning something knew is mostly what Timesuck is all about, right?

So thank you.

One more Japanese update this week from Japanese American Timesucker Linda Linda Rivera Matsuo who wrote in saying,

Hajimemashite! (Hah Zee Me Mas Tay) (nice to meet you) SuckMaster Just listened to your Aokigahara (Ah Oh-kee gah hara) episode. As a first generation American of Japanese descent, I cringed through the entire beginning of the episode with your pronunciations, but all is forgiven; A for effort, languages are hard. Just wanted to give you another tidbit that you might find interesting. I know you said you intended to do a samurai episode, but I just wanted to let you know that the end of the seppuku (“Sah Poo Koo) ritual is not actually the beheading. Along the lines of the Japanese belief that the soul is in the belly, the reason to cut the belly open is to show your lord that your belly isn't black, and that you meant no ill intent, even if you were being sentenced to suicide for something that wasn't your fault. Few people are said to have fully completed the ritual which is to actually reach inside your belly and pull your guts out to show to your Lord. Just to make it more hard core. Along the lines of people that follow bushido, you might want to look into the Yakuza, their role after WWII, and what their balance is with the government now, interesting stuff. Anyway, keep up the good work, always look forward to new episodes. Hail Nimrod and send my love to Bo- Jangles.

Thank you, Linda! Wow. Intense update. Also - yakuza are on the possible topic list. Very interested in that crime syndicate. Hail Nimrod to you! Bojangles is most happy. Last update today is about virtue signaling. I was throwing that term out a lot recently, and Timesucker JT had some thoughts!

C. Virtue Signaling Update: Email From: J.T.

Hey artist formerly, currently, and likely future-ly known as Dan, I just wanted to write in a bit about a topic you have talked about recently in the Idiots of the Internet segment, “Virtue Signaling”. Even ignoring the political use of the phrase, I have always found the way people talk about virtue signaling to be somewhat, I guess, inconsistent. To start I actually agree with you for the most part in that I have always found it makes me irritable when I read a comment chain, or even worse multi-paragraph Facebook post that always boils down to “I sure am sad that this horrible thing happened (that has nothing to do with me), and I just want you all to know that my thoughts and prayers are about this sad thing (even though it doesn’t matter if you know about my thoughts).” When I read these proclamations my first thought is always that the person posting this is just doing it for attention or to make something not about them suddenly about them. However, over time I have begun to wonder just how intentional virtue signaling is. Because, just to use you as an example, in many Timesucks you spend some time in the episode talking about how you feel about something someone did. Whether it’s that the serial killer of the week is a terrible person who should be capitally punished, (which for the record I tend to agree with), or even in the latest suck about the Aokigahara (Ah Oh-kee gah hara) when you commented about the Logan Paul video. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a douche, but was you taking time to tell us that you think it was douchy of him to do what he did any different from the YouTube commenters saying that they think it was bad of him to do it? I’m not saying that you should by any means stop giving your ethical opinions on things, in fact just the opposite I think that it is the humanity of the show, but I do have to wonder how it is different from “virtue signaling” in other ways. I’m not trying to be accusatory or “slam your hypocrisy”, or anything silly like that. Honestly, I just think that it is a poorly defined term that has gotten passed around too much. All that said, I’ve always maintained a general policy that I would rather hear a disingenuous caring thought, than I would a genuine harmful thought. So, I hope this made sense and that you keep taking us idiots of the internet to task. Keep on Suckin’, J.T.

Great update J.T.! I see your point about expressing my opinions sometimes being the same as virtue signaling. To me, it’s totally cool to show support if some asks for it or if you’re adding to the conversation, OR, if you’re letting someone you admire know you support them, or support a cause, etc. It’s virtue signaling when the gesture seems hollow. Like, let’s say you are anti-gun, and under a school shooting video, you leave a comment like, “How many kids have to die before something is done? Why aren’t we taking this issue more seriously as a nation? As someone who doesn’t own a gun I wish that everyone else would lay their weapons down to reduce the chances that this stops happening! No more guns equals no more shootings!” Now - while I don’t agree with that comment, I respect someone having a real opinion. They’ve thought about it. Virtue signaling, to me, would be a comment like, “I don’t think kids should be shot at schools anymore! It’s wrong and I don’t agree with it!” To me, that one is like, “Yeah - no shit dummy. We all know it’s wrong.”

But - that’s just my interpretation of it. Defined by wikipedia, it’s a little different than my example. It’s “ the conspicuous expression of moral values done primarily with the intent of enhancing standing within a social group.”

And that can be hard to figure out, because you’re talking about motive. Is someone saying “Fuck Trump”, for example, because they really do hate President Trump and they don’t care who knows it? OR, are they virtue signaling? Are they saying it because they want people they value socially to know they agree with them to increase those people’s opinions of them, even if they don’t really hate Trump. And that’s impossible to know.

For me, with so many people opposed to the death penalty, I get nervous that I upset people talking about wanting murderers and pedophiles to die horrible deaths. A lot of people don’t agree with that stance. Some people are adamantly anti capital punishment. So, for me it’s not virtue signaling when I do that, but, I can see how easily it could be interpreted that way. Again, I guess it’s all in intent. I try not to play to the home crowd, so to speak, but I’m sure I sometimes do.

I don’t know if I’ve made this more confusing or less so. Ha. But you have definitely made me think about whether or not I do that, and I’ll try not to moving ahead. Thanks for making me think JT! Thanks for challenging me! It’s so important we keep each other in check. Hail Nimrod! And that’s all the updates for this week!

PAUSE TIMESUCKER UPDATES OUTRO

IX. Goodbye A. Have a great week everyone! Take a second to honor those who have died fighting for their countries, make sure your ween is nice and clean if you have one, and ween or no ween - keep on suckin’!

1928 Joan of Arc film: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3Q6FVhqLY0 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Passion_of_Joan_of_Arc https://www.theguardian.com/world/2006/dec/17/france.alexduvalsmith https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_the_Conqueror https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_III_of_England https://www.thoughtco.com/hundred-years-war-edward-iii-2360681 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_longbow https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philip_VI_of_France https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Edward_III_of_England#Achievements_of_the_reign https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_the_Confessor https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_the_Conqueror https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_II_of_France https://www.britannica.com/event/Treaty-of-Bretigny http://danieldelorne.com/5-facts-you-didnt-know-about-being-burned-at-the- stake/ https://www.history.com/topics/hundred-years-war https://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=308 http://www.meusetourism.com/en/sightseeing/step-into-history/joan-of- arc.html https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Calais#14th%E2%80%9315th_century_%E2%80%93_the_Pale_of_Calais https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maid_of_Lorraine_prophecies https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merlin https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_Arthur https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merlin https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maid_of_Lorraine_prophecies https://www.roman-catholic-saints.com/saint-margaret-of-cortona.html http://saint-joan-of-arc.com/banner.htm https://www.revolvy.com/topic/Battle+of+Patay https://www.revolvy.com/topic/Battle+of+Beaugency+(1429) https://www.revolvy.com/main/index.php?s=Battle+of+Meung-sur-Loire https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Meung-sur-Loire https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siege_of_Orl%C3%A9ans https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siege_of_Compi%C3%A8gne http://www.ancientpages.com/2016/05/23/day-history-joan-arc-captured- burgundians-may-23-1430/ http://www.thenagain.info/WebChron/WestEurope/JoanArc.html https://www.catholicculture.org/culture/library/dictionary/index.cfm? id=32114 https://www.history.com/topics/hundred-years-war

Main Sources: Britannica, T. E. (2018, January 03). Hundred Years' War. Retrieved from https://www.britannica.com/event/Hundred-Years-War

Gordon, M. (2000). Joan of Arc. Retrieved from https:// archive.nytimes.com/www.nytimes.com/books/first/g/gordon-joan.html? scp=1&sq=joan of arc&st=cse

Harrison, K. (2016). Joan Of Arc: A Life Transfigured. New York, US: A A Knopf Inc (US).

Scott, W. S. (n.d.). Letters of Jeanne’s. Retrieved from https://www.jeanne- darc.info/biography/letters/ http://www.stjoan-center.com/FAQ/question6.html