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Cold Open: Joan of Arc was BURNED ALIVE on May 30th, 1431 CE, something no one ever aspires to have written on their obituary. Think about the intensity of that. She was tied to a stake, most likely with rope. Heretics were either tied to a pillar or chained, and bundles of sticks were placed beneath her and around the base of the pillar. And then that wood was set on fire. Sometimes, an executioner would help the heretic along by, essentially, hanging them while the fire got going beneath them, or, hitting them across the chest with a club to speed up their demise. This doesn’t seem to be the case with Joan. There’s a chance she died, or at least passed out from smoke inhalation before the fire got her. Or, she didn’t, and the last thing she felt on this Earth was the lick of those flames, burning, searing, and cooking her flesh. One legend of her burning says she was actually burned three times. That she died during the first but it took two additional burnings to destroy her organs. Whether it took once or took three times, she was only nineteen years old when she was tried for heresy, found guilty, and then burned. She’d been captured fighting for her beloved France during the Hundred Years War between the French and English crowns. A war she helped win for France. And then the monarch she fought to put on the throne abandoned her. Joan was a deeply religious young woman who believed God himself commanded her to fight and she was so adamant about being one of God’s chosen warriors and so convincing that her mission was bestowed upon her from above that this rural peasant girl persuaded Charles the VII to let her lead troops against the English and their allies to claim the throne of France. And today, over 600 years after her birth and nearly 600 years since her death, we dig deep into the life and times of the young warrior that became one of France’s most enduring and beloved figures, today, on Timesuck. PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO I. Welcome A. Happy Monday Timesuckers! Happy Memorial Day! Finally - I remember a holiday. Please take a moment today to recognize those who have sacrificed their lives defending freedom here in the US, and those who died fighting for their own nations world wide, such as Joan of Arc. Thanks for clicking play. Thanks for subscribing. Thanks for rating and reviewing. Thanks for letting the Suck slap your brain melon, week to sucking week. I’m Dan Cummins aka the Suck Master and YOU are listening to Timesuck. Welcome to the Cult of the Curious. Hail Nimrod! B. Amerigas Sponsor: Timesuck is brought to you today by Amerigas! Amerigas specializes in bottled American farts and they’re giving away free fart bottles to the first Timesuckers to call in to 1-800- AMERICAN FART BOTTLE. Did you know you get heat your entire on home on the consequences of the poor dietary decisions of other Americans? That’s ri-Goddamn-diculous! NO! Amerigas sells propane to fuel your grill you silly goose. It’s grilling season! And I have an exciting opportunity for Timesuckers! AmeriGas Cylinder Exchange is giving away a WEBER grill to one lucky person! It’s easy to register to win! Simply go to MyTimeSuckGrill.com – Enter your name and email address. And that’s it. It doesn’t get simpler…go to MyTimeSuckGrill.com and enter to win this awesome prize, thanks to AmeriGas. The contest runs through the 4th of July, so you’ll have your brand new Weber Spirt II – E 210 (2 burner propane gas grill) A $400 dollar grill - FOR FREE. I’ve registered and I’ll be honest. I hope I win. I don’t think it’s legal for me to win actually, so, my email will probably be tossed out. But yours won’t! You can pick your Amerigas tanks at your local Home Depot, Dollar General Store, some many other stores nationwide. In Houston, San Diego, Knoxville, and Tulsa Amerigas actually has gas VENDING MACHINES at Walmarts. So, this Memorial Day, of after if that’s when your hearing this, while your cleaning off your old grill, make sure you register to let me give you a brand new Weber….Go to MyTimeSuckGrill.com to register to win. Amerigas will be sponsoring the show for the next 6 weeks, so we hope to have all you registering to win! The winner will be announced on Friday, July 6th! Again, exchange your tanks at Home Depots, Walmarts, Dollar Generals and 7-11’s, and enter to win a new weber grill by going to MyTimeSuckGrill.com C. Tom and Dan Cruise Pre-roll: Also - Timesuck also brought to you by the Tom and Dan 2019 cruise. Tickets still available to that A Mediocre Time with Tom and Dan Cruise. March 7-11, Cape Canaveral, Florida. Head to www.tomanddancruise.com to grab your cabin and get a HUGE discount on a really fun cruise that I will be on, doing a podcast I’m sure with T & D and the gang. Lynze will be there. Gonna be a lot of day drinking and ruckus a’happening! You can easily access the website for the cruise with tons of other info and the Amerigas grill giveway by going to the sponsor section of either the timesuckpodcast.com website or the timesuck app and just pushing the button. We try to make it easy for you here on Timesuck. D. In the Suck Dungeon today, surrounded by the treats, trinkets, and artwork you incredible Timesuckers have sent it. Recording in a cocoon of love and appreciation and feels good. Feels real good. Queen of the Suck Lynze Cummins working hard in the office. Coordinating, dictating, collaborating with Danger Brain all the time on this, that, and the other. Reverend Doctor Josh Krell keeping the sound sweet. Throwing myself under the bus during today’s Timesucker Updates - turns out I may have been last week’s idiot of the internet and that my Japanese pronunciation abilities may be lacking, not entirely surprising since I don’t speak Japanese and have never studied anything that’s gone on in that country. E. Thanks to Aaron, Adam and the gang at the Galena mine in Wallace, Idaho for taking Lynze and I a mile underground a week ago. Pretty amazing to see the inner workings of a giant underground network of tunnels where silver, zinc, copper, lead, and more has been mined for 130 years. Grateful to receive such a custom tour from some cool ass Timesuckers. F. Open House: Looking forward to welcoming a few Timesuckers into the Suck Dungeon tomorrow afternoon, May 29th, from 3-7PM. Enjoying a nice little open house. Some Space Lizards, some Suckers swinging by to see how everything shakes out at 2215 E Sherman Ave. Suite 109. Coeur D’Alene, ID 83814. Address in the episode description. G. Memorial Day sale! Thanks to you Suckers who have taken advantage of the Memorial Day sale, Getting 25% off everything in the store, using that discount code HEROES at checkout! Still a few hours to enjoy those savings - sale ends at Midnight tonight. Not much left. It’s pretty amazing. Making room in Store Manager Erik Radaker’s merch bunker for some new Danger Brain crafted summer goodies coming soon. After seeing some sneak peaks I am fucking stoked. H. Tour: Lynze and I will be in Phoenix in just a few days! May 31st - June 3rd - the Flat Earth Tour rolls across the desert and into the Tempe Improv. Special guest Gareth Reynolds from the Dollop Podcast performing as well. Click the link in the episode description and grab those tickets Timesuckers! And then next week, DC heads to D.C.! Flat Earth jokes getting told in our nation’s capitol. June 8th and 9th, gonna be at the Drafthouse in Washington, DC. June 15-16th Flat Earthing my way to the Funny Bone in Des Moines, Iowa - two nights only! Tickets on sale there as well. And, if you’re a new listener - no, I am not a flat Earther. I’ll be mocking the current flat earth movement among other nonsense. July 12-14th I head Southeast to Orlando - back at the Improv. And then joining A Tom and Dan from a Mediocre Time on the 15th for another live timesuck. Feeling better about each one of those - it’s gonna be fun. Comedy Store in La Jolla, July 20-22nd. Dayton, Ohio Funnybone July 27-28th. More tour dates at www.dancummins.tv. Tampa, Palm Beach, Chicago, Sunnyvale, Portland, Tacoma, Columbus, your mom’s lingerie trunk, Grand Rapids, your brother’s banjo case and more coming up in 2018! I. And now, on to medieval warfare and nonsense. Let’s Suck some Joan of Arc. PAUSE TIMESUCK INTERLUDE II. Intro A. The Hundred Year’s War: (Context for Joan’s life): Joan was born at the beginning of the 15th century in a little village of of the Northeastern France during a period of confusion and turmoil. Her father worked with rabbits designing corn mazes. Her mother taught puppets to speak Portuguese. That’s utter nonsense. We’ll get into the specifics of her birth and life in a Timeline here in a bit. Joan was born during the Hundred Years War between France and England and intermittent struggles and series of battles that lasted well over a hundred years.
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