University of Cincinnati

Home , Losing My Mind, Unusually Unusual

UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI

Date:______

I, ______, hereby submit this work as part of the requirements for the degree of: in:

It is entitled:

This work and its defense approved by:

Chair: ______

Creating a Mosaic Within Time and Space:

the role of trauma in identity, literacy, and life

A Dissertation Submitted to the

Graduate School

of the University of Cincinnati

In partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of

DOCTOR OF EDUCATION

In the Department of Literacy of the College of Education, Criminal Justice and Human Services

Winter 2007

DEBORAH KELLNER

Committee Chair:

Chet Laine, Ph.D.

Abstract

This dissertation presents a qualitative, ethnographic, life history study of the link between trauma exposure and literacy habits of one female college developmental student. It is an investigation of the correlation between trauma-related symptoms, identity, literacy habits, and performance in all aspects of life. Furthermore, it is an analysis of the relationship of coping with trauma exposure to coping with schooling.

In terms of trauma, this single case presents multiple and repetitive exposure to trauma and suggests that traumatic experiences emerge as part of a victim’s identity. Victimization is so overwhelming that the individual describes herself in the trauma experience rather than in some other way. Her symptoms closely align with the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and her trauma exposure results in massive chaos during her schooling years. In terms of literacy, this data suggests that this individual’s external literacy skills, her reading and writing, as well as her internal literacy skills, her interpretation of her world and her life, have a strong affiliation with trauma. Both her reading and writing skills are integral to her dealing with her trauma and to her healing. Not only do they bring stability, they also give her restorative power.

This research confirms that trauma affects cognitive development and alters the way information is processed. It also influences performance as a literate being, and behavior, both inside and outside of school. Thus, this data suggests that the four components of trauma, identity, literacy, and life are significantly intertwined, as indelible and unalterable experiences are often invisible to others.

Pink Lady Slipper

A beautiful rare flower found in the woods; photographed by Ramona.

Table of Contents

Chapter One

The Tiles 8

Introduction 8

The aftermath of September 11, 2001 12

My story 13

Chapter Two 18

The Foundation 18

The critical theory component 18

The literacy component: external vs. internal 20

The identity component 23

The nature identity perspective 25

The institutional identity and discourse identity perspectives 25

The affinity identity perspective 27

The trauma component 27

Chapter Three 28

The Construction 30

Happenstance: my participant 30

Reality: my participant 32

Research questions 32

Data collection 33

A closer look at the data 38

Chapter Four 41

Piece by Piece 41

Identity and trauma 41

The nature perspective 44

DISBELIEF

I don’t always believe everything my mother says 44

INSECURITY My mother didn’t make sure I was safe 46

VULNERABILITY I feel safe at Gramma’s even though she drinks too 47

NEGLECT AT HOME I played alone a lot when my mother wasn’t there 48

SECURITY Mr. Bear was always there for me 49

SEXUAL ABUSE

I can’t remember what happened at the babysitter’s 50

VIOLENCE AND ALCOHOLISM I just don’t remember the fights 51

IMPOVERISHMENT

Was I hungry? 52

PHYSICAL ABUSE

I got the worst spanking of my life; nobody did anything 54

IMPOVERSIHMENT Our house was falling down a hill 55

APATHY AT HOME

I really don’t care what they do 57

The institutional, discourse and affinity perspectives 58

ATYPICAL

I don’t fit in here at school 58

INSECURITY AND DRUGS

I really don’t like this school 59

POTENTIAL I got tons and tons of things at the Awards Assembly 60

APATHY AT SCHOOL I just didn’t care 61

UNUSUALLY UNUSUAL I wasn’t really in a group in high school 62

ISOLATION I don’t know of anything I enjoyed in high school 63

TRUANCY I skipped school a lot 64

NEGLECT AT SCHOOL

Nobody ever cared what I did 64

DENIGRATION The teachers weren’t fair 65

SELF SATISFACTION

I was just proud that I did it 66

PERCEPTIVENESS The teachers chose favorites 66

UNUSUALLY UNUSUAL

Jocks, cheerleaders, dorks, and random kids 67

ANXIETY I was pretty psyched at graduation 68

DISAPPOINTMENT I’m disappointed that I’m not in college 69

UNUSUALLY UNUSUAL I didn’t fit in at college 69

NOTHINGNESS The identity void: nature identity 70

The identity void: affinity and discourse identity 72

The identity void: institutional identity 74

WISHFUL THINKING

There must be a better place for me to be me 75

PARADISE CITY 76

WISHFUL REALITY There is a better place for me to be me 78

Chapter Five 81

The Sketch 81

The dark pieces 81

Childhood trauma 81

Teen trauma 83

Adult trauma: army 88

Adult trauma: college 91

The mortar 95

Writing 96

Reading 101

The colorful pieces 104

Kindergarten to 6th grade 104

The girls’ home 104

External literacy learning 105

Internal literacy learning 110

Relationship with parents 110

Relationship with boys/men 111

Relationship with drugs 113

Institutions 113

Police 114

Self 115

Motherhood 115

Trauma 118

Chapter Six 126

The Mosaic 126

The Image 126

Linking critical theory, literacy, identity and trauma 126

The TILC image 127

The CLIT image 128

The image of Ramona 129

Magnifying the mosaic – insights 132

Postscript 135

Appendices 138

Chapter One

The Tiles

Introduction

“You know that the beginning is the most important part of any work, especially in the case of a young and tender thing; for that is the time at which the character is being formed and the desired impression is more readily taken… anything that is received into the mind at that age is likely to become indelible and unalterable; therefore it is most important that the tales which the young hear should be models of virtuous thoughts.” (Plato, 360 BC, p.377c)

This dissertation is about taking time to step into the spaces in the lives of students to see where they came from and what they experienced – possibly indelible and unalterable - before showing up at a classroom doorway. I do not know what tales they have been told nor do I know what tales they have lived and received into their minds. Some have shown me that there have been some tales they have lived that have caused them immeasurable hurt, uncertainty, and trauma. This is where I wish to begin if I am to learn anything new about “developmental” students.

When I speak of “developmental” students, for the purposes of this dissertation,

I speak of any college student, who for some reason or another, has been recognized as a student who is at-risk for success. When applying to college, students who do not meet all of the qualifications for acceptance either get rejected from the college of their choice, or are usually referred to a program that offers some type of developmental course work. If students choose the developmental path, it is expected that they take

advantage of the special classes within these learning assistance programs. This entails successfully completing a variety of individually specified math, reading, and writing courses as well as meeting certain GPA requirements in order to be considered to enter into the college of their choice. If and when students adequately fulfill this coursework, they are deemed a success in terms of progressing with the standard coursework load of a college freshman.

The term “developmental college student” conjures up quite an array of meanings and perceptions. For the student, it is perhaps the one last educational opportunity given to open the door for academic success. For the educator, it is the challenge to assist in that success that seems so easily attainable, yet, so mysteriously unreachable for so many students. Educators are continually encouraged to confront the issues, as compelling as they may be, that are present in any classrooms (hooks, 1994).

Perhaps by confronting the issues, whatever they may be, I can learn something new.

This is where I wish to begin.

Of course, there has already been enormous research on developmental students. There have been numerous studies on the effectiveness of developmental programs and curriculum, and some on the effectiveness of the teachers themselves

(Paulson, Laine, Biggs and Bullock, 2003; Tatum, 1999). There have also been other studies that have purposefully researched specific strategies used to teach developmental students (Simpson & Nist, 2000). However, there are limited studies that have focused on the students themselves and their beginnings. It is true that it is difficult to measure the beginnings of people and its impact on behavior and

development; thus, this type of work has been frequently overlooked (Hemmings,

2000b).

While the ideal of ‘education for all’ has remained a paramount philosophical force in American higher education, we have made the leap into this century with an increased awareness of the need to make this happen. A critical component of making this happen is a person’s literacy skills. I begin by considering, specifically, reading ability. Looking solely at the history of developmental education, college reading itself has been analyzed extensively. “Reading has been redesigned substantially: from a means of communication with divinity and a means for moral developmental, to reading as behavioral skills, to reading as deep linguistic processing and a psycholinguistic guessing game, to reading as vocational competence” (Luke, 1995; p.

96). Looking solely at the philosophy behind reading, it has evolved and many popular strategies and techniques have been discarded or reinvented (Stahl, King, & Eilers,

1996). Reading is no longer viewed as a private, isolated act, and now has been redefined to be more than decoding, word recognition, recall, and meaning making

(Luke, 1995). Looking completely at the metacognitive act of reading itself, it is critical and it is personal. Therefore, further research on developmental students also needs to be critical and personal if it is to have any meaning.

Entering into this search for new knowledge about developmental students, racism, sexism, and class continue to be exemplified in classrooms across all boards.

No doubt, these issues are in need of further research. Yet, I wish to delay attending to these complexities while I am forever mindful that my teaching pedagogy must respond to their reality. But, the issue that seems to be frequently ignored and in need of

immediate attention in research is the reality of experience. Experience enters the classroom with each student. It is this experience – both good and bad – that needs to be examined. Only then will we be able to achieve the motto “Helping under prepared students prepare, prepared student advance, and advanced students excel,” as they venture out into our incredibly diverse and challenging cultural world

(www.nade.net/b4_motto.htm).

So, in a way, this dissertation is about experience and what is handed out in life.

It is about how education is so difficult for some and so easy for others because of life’s circumstances. Because “developmental” students are also considered “at-risk” students, it is understood here, that at any given moment in time, ANY student could potentially become at-risk, as events - possibly indelible and unalterable - are experienced. With certainty then, this dissertation is about ANY student as much as it is about one student. As this dissertation looks at one particular at-risk student and the life she leads, it looks at her experiences, her successes, and her failures, while particularly focusing on any indelible or unalterable moments that may have influenced the way she lives her life. Specifically, it looks to determine whether these indelible or unalterable moments of time include any spaces that contain trauma exposure, including both violent and non-violent events. Research has concluded that millions of American children are exposed to trauma each year (Jacobs, 2003). Some examples of these incidents of trauma may include divorce, serious illness, death of a loved one, sexual or physical abuse, murder, suicide, school violence, witness of drug use, house fires, car accidents, and natural disasters (Steele & Raider, 2001). As this dissertation delves into possible trauma exposure for one particular female student, it analyzes the extent of any

trauma-related symptoms as a result of these incidents. It also focuses on how that endorsement may impact her performance in life. Research has indicated that there is a close connection between trauma, learning, cognitive abilities, concentration and memory (Jacobs, 2003). And so, this dissertation examines the way one student lives her life while focusing on the indelible and inalterable moments of trauma she may have experienced. Finally, this dissertation looks to see if the way she chooses to deal with trauma exposure mimics the way she chooses to “do school”.

The aftermath of September 11, 2001

For those watching the events of September 11 unfold, we no longer share in the luxury of thinking that we may have been lucky enough to escape any trauma exposure in our lifetime. I will forever remember where I was, what I was doing, and what I did immediately following this tragic event. The confusion, shock, sadness, worry and fear that overcame me remains etched in my soul. My immediate behavior of contacting all my loved ones numerous times to make sure they were alright (knowing that they were nowhere near New York City at the time) is somewhat unexplainable. I wasn’t sure of their safety or of mine. I clearly was experiencing trauma by merely watching a traumatic event unfold. According to Steele & Raider (2001), I was exhibiting the precise definition of trauma: a terror in which victims feel unsafe and powerless to do anything about their situation (Steele & Raider, 2001). I was seeking reassurance that everything was going to be all right. Sadly, for far too many, everything was not all right and their lives would never be the same. Admittedly, this trauma was too great for any of us to return to the normalcy we once knew.

As we consider the aftermath of September 11, we are reminded, at least minimally, of the impact of trauma exposure. We understand that catastrophic events can cause life altering behavior changes and/or behavior paralysis. This behavior can affect academic performance and success (Jacobs, 2003). It is with this consideration that I hope to encourage ongoing conversations about the presence and impact of trauma in the lives of students.

My story

In some ways, my own experience with trauma has inspired me to research the personal histories of others as they may be dealing with their own trauma. As much as I want to resist the telling of my own story, it reveals that trauma shows few boundaries.

It can touch anyone, of any race, of any gender and of any age (Steele & Raider, 2001).

It struck me inadvertently when I was still in the womb with the death of my father as his absence later on would allow traumatic events to seep into the forefront of my life.

It struck again each time my mother, suffering from mental illness, was in need of hospitalization. It continued as my six older brothers and sisters and myself managed to deal with her absence and inability to care for us as we needed to be cared for. As I cautiously reveal only a glimpse of this trauma, I hope that it will explain my motivation to research indelible and unalterable experiences of others. It is true that none of us chooses when and what trauma will unfold in our lives. What we do choose, though, is how to deal with that trauma once it has enveloped us.

I have been working with at-risk students for my entire career and am fully aware of the cultural and social issues that they expose. As a counselor and social worker, I have explored many of these issues with them on very personal levels. As a

teacher, I have known that many of these students are incredibly bright and talented individuals who have had difficulty experiencing academic success in their past; yet their presence in college indicates that they still believe in the power of an education. It is vital then, that I come to understand anything and everything that may be preventing them from a positive and successful academic experience.

And so, I see myself as playing a crucial role in helping students meet their challenge. I realize that I have repeatedly questioned their complexities and have been curious about their backgrounds as I have come to work with them. Yet, this time is different - I need to know if there are indelible and unalterable experiences that may be linked to their learning, to their memory, to their concentration, and to their behavior

(Jacobs, 2003). As trauma has been shown to effect cognitive development, I need to know how it has altered the way students process information, perform as literate beings and behave in their world (Steele, 2002).

In terms of education, the implications of this are enormous. I cautiously believe that exposure to trauma impacts students more than we will ever know.

Sometimes these traumatic events make it impossible for them to perform optimally in many areas of their lives. While I have a sense of urgency to revisit the curriculum, program, and process that binds me to the classroom, I know now that whatever I do with students, I need to include opportunities to present strategies that allow for individuality, self-exploration, and reflection. I am hopeful that other teachers, too, will recognize the need to develop expertise that goes beyond their already acquired content knowledge; expertise that leads them into a consciousness of the totality of the student.

As we teachers consider specific strategies and skills to use with our students, it

behooves us to recognize their former experiences with awareness that these experiences may include significant indelible and unalterable moments of trauma that may be inhibiting their performance.

To illustrate this point, I have chosen the analogy of a mosaic to represent the complexities of all individuals as they receive the mishmash of experiences that life offers within their time and space. First, consider the individual tiles of a mosaic presented in Chapter One. Tiles are pieces, made from all kinds of materials, both regular and irregular in shape, that are fitted together to create a larger image. The individual tiles have dual representation here. Each person is a collection of tiles that fit together to create a single distinct mosaic representation of their life; and, each individual and all their tiles collectively fit together with all other individuals and all their tiles to create the mosaic of society. Either way, the individual tiles are representative of the makeup of each and every individual existing, with their unique distinctness, within the created hodgepodge image of our world. Regardless of the representation, it isn’t until the pieces are fitted together that the created image is complete. In Chapter One, as I speak of the tiles, I consider both representations as I examine the role of trauma.

Second, as the theoretical background of any piece helps to lay the foundation, here, the theoretical background lies within this particular foundation to help justify the role of trauma in an individual’s life. In Chapter Two, I present theory to explain how each tile contributes to the total mosaic as the bits and pieces of identity, literacy, and life experiences congeal and lay the foundation for the mosaic.

Third, in Chapter Three, I explain the methodology behind this constructed study as well as how I have come to know many of the pieces of the image created by my participant’s life experiences.

Fourth, Chapter Four defines the meaning behind the many pieces of the mosaic. These pieces contribute to the uniqueness of each as they are representative of the experiences that are received by the individual. These experiences help to fabricate each tile’s regular and/or irregular shape and add to the created image of a unique, distinct mosaic.

Next, in Chapter Five, I explain how the mortar of the mosaic holds the image together. In this particular case, the mortar is representative of this participant’s literacy skills– both external and internal - that help her first, to question her identity, and later, to develop her identity and hold onto her life as chaos exists all around her. Also included in Chapter Five, is a discussion of the sketch of this mosaic. It is one that includes both colorful and dark pieces that make up her distinctiveness. Each piece has meaning in isolation and is representative of each and every experience received by her.

In the case of this participant, her colorful pieces are representative of her positive memories, while her dark pieces are representative of the trauma she experienced. This trauma impacts all aspects of her life creating a most amazing mosaic that I have grown to love as a result of this constructed study.

Lastly, in Chapter Six, I wish to emphasize that this dissertation is about ANY student as much as it is about one student as I describe this participant’s indelible or unalterable moments within her time and space. These moments have exclusively sketched an image creating a mosaic that is unique to her; yet, this sketch would be

completely different if another individual had experienced the exact same moments.

For these moments in her time take up a space that no other person will experience in the exact same way.

Furthermore, I caution my readership to be open to the reality that this kind of trauma does in fact exist. While it is hard to believe that one individual can experience such a magnitude of indelible and unalterable experiences, be mindful that it is possible for you to doubt this or discount the likelihood of this happening to others. With this being said, it is likely that you, too, may exemplify one of the symptoms of trauma exposure as you may be traumatized merely by being verbally exposed to the details her trauma (Steele, 2002). Likewise, be mindful that the photographs may add a sensory layer that can potentially cause traumatic symptoms as well. These likely symptoms may include a disbelief, powerlessness, and/or change in behavior on your part (Saigh, 1999; Packard et al, 2004; Wang & Burris, 1994). While it isn’t usually until life’s end that an individual’s mosaic is completed and evaluated on its impact to others, I am hopeful, that the pieces of the mosaic presented here, will remain a recognizable sketch of acknowledgement within your time and space rather than a blank tabloid of denial.

Chapter Two

The Foundation

As I consider the multitude of students I have known within my time and space,

I can only wonder how many have experienced trauma and to what extent. While no research has shown an exact number, I presume that for some, trauma has left them frozen. “The impact of untreated, traumatic maltreatment and single event traumas can have prolonged, devastating consequences for our youth and society (Jacobs, 2003; p.3). For me, I know that I have spent the majority of my career teaching developmental students who struggle with the ability to perform academically on the college level. In addition, these students may or may not engage in socially acceptable classroom behavior that impacts their success. And so, I wonder what percentage of them have had the role of trauma played out in their lives

The critical theory component

According to hooks (1994), our educational system is failing students by refusing to recognize their particular histories. These histories may include certain social and/or cultural injustices and inequalities that exist in their culture. Critical pedagogy is advocated to ensure that students utilize their own voices to bring these experiences to the forefront. Through dialogue, students are encouraged to reflect on the “larger historical, political, cultural, and economic structures where they exist”

(Cadiero-Kaplan, 2002; p. 379). Utilizing this broad scale, social critical theory establishes a foundation for examining schools as “sites for individuals to gain critical consciousness and participate in the transformation of their society” (Beck, 2005; p.

393). As individuals develop this consciousness, they become critically aware of any

injustices and inequalities that are perpetuated in society, particularly the ones that they themselves have experienced. This breeds an awareness of the role of power in relationships and helps individuals participate, if they so choose to, in sociopolitical and social justice issues within their lives. In essence it is “a movement to connect the development of individual ethical responsibility to social change” (2005; p. 393). Yet, some individuals do not seem to know how to either, commit to this responsibility or, feel connected enough to want it.

In reality though, this theory seems to suggest that teachers are expected to do more than just teach. They are expected to do whatever is necessary – intellectually and spiritually - to ensure growth (hooks, 1994). Yet, what is necessary may be different for each and every student. As we continue to examine this dilemma teachers face today, we look to the students for some answers. Research suggests that developmental students have come to know through their past experiences that the “success model” for school means that if you put your best into your attendance, assignments, and class participation, then you will succeed (Strauss, 1988; as cited in Gee, 1996). They learn to recognize this as the set of values required for success and they eventually learn to judge themselves by this model. When and if they don’t measure up, their self-esteem may be lowered and they may possibly begin to identify themselves in unsuccessful ways. So the question remains, is this dilemma an identity issue for students or a strategic approach issue for teachers? Why do students not act on this model? Certainly it sounds simple enough: if you just do what is expected, you will succeed. According to Gee (1996), students do not act on this because of their cultural models. One would agree, no doubt, that it is a bit ironic that students’ cultures may provide experiences

that may get in the way of this success model, while their experiences may provide access to additional sociopolitical and socio-cultural factors acknowledged within a critical theory approach. Nonetheless, it seems that this success model in actuality includes a myriad of sociopolitical and social justice factors as well as many other pervasive factors within a culture that must be considered. In reality, no student is an island: each is affected by the actual life that he or she leads and all that it entails, including involvement with people – family, friends, school and work relationships, and all other experiences to date.

Evidence suggests that there is meaning behind the cultural model that each student is living (Gee, 1996). “We are each of us not a single who, but different whos in different contexts” (p.124). With this in mind, it is important to explore not only what students say but also what they do, value, and believe; in essence, who they are - their core identity. This, too, is embodied in Gee’s (1996) definition of discourse: “a socially accepted language: a thinking, feeling, believing, valuing and acting that are used to identify one’s self in one’s role” (p. 131). Obviously, we need to know what discourses, within a socio-cultural model, developmental students have actually learned even though, in actuality it appears that they haven’t learned the school discourse very well.

What makes this discourse so difficult to learn? And, how is the discourse they have learned within their cultural model, tied to their literacy skills, their behavior, and their success? For educators, these are not easy questions to answer as several pieces fit together to further address this complexity.

The literacy component: external vs. internal

Defining literacy is not as easy as one might think. I first referred to the

American Heritage Dictionary (1983) for a definition of literacy. Here, literacy is defined as the ability to read and write. Yet, the ability to read and write is tied to understanding of one’s self and one’s experiences within one’s culture (Gee, 1996).

Freire & Macedo (1987) describe critical literacy as “reading the world”. This involves more than making meaning and relating it to life. It involves a whole lot of knowing – the kind of knowing that comes from experience and living life. Wink (1999) states that becoming critically literate means being able to “decode the people around us, decode the community that surrounds us and decode the visible and invisible messages of the world” (Write to Read, p.1). It means helping students live and engage in the life in which they live while using the life they live to help teach them. It involves helping them think for themselves and understand why they are where they are, so they can be active in the making of their world and “become more fully human” (Freire, 1973).

And so, for the purposes of this study, literacy is defined to include not only academic competence in the area of reading and writing, but also competence in the area of reading and interpreting the world. In addition, I will compartmentalize literacy into

“external” and “internal” literacy with “external” literacy being the practice of reading and writing, including all that academic competence entails, and “internal” being the process of interpretation, including interpreting the text of one’s life and one’s world.

We already know that literacy is part of a broader spectrum of society (Barton and Hamilton, 1998; 2000). Thus, it becomes important to look at this macrocosm in an attempt to explain students’ behavior both inside and outside the classroom (Ogbu,

1998). Students’ behavior is directly linked to their previous experiences while their

perception of the purpose of education is in many cases generational (Ogbu, 1974). It becomes essential, then, that we come to understand the time, place, and ways of people as we delve into their personal lives. Heath (1983) uncovers boundaries that exist between home, school, and community. A closer look at these boundaries proves that, if educators are to make any headway at all, they need to bridge literacy learning to home, school, and culture. On a microcosmic level, Key (1988) identifies that same link while establishing that there is a power that one draws from literacy. This power is linked to one’s culture and directly to one’s identity (Freire, 1987). Yet, a closer look at individual identity shows its complexities as it reveals contradictions and difficulties that must be examined for their significance (Hemmings, 2000b). These contradictions exemplify the “breakages” and “linkages” that individuals display and can prove to explain behavior (2000b). It is noteworthy, then, to allow individuals an opportunity to speak about their breakages and linkages in their lives in an attempt to analyze any contradictions.

Critical pedagogy may hold the key to help us do just that, “given that critical pedagogy seeks to transform consciousness, to provide students with ways of knowing that enable them to know themselves better and live in the world more fully” (hooks,

1994; p.194). Yet, many educators believe that they are promoting this pedagogy but are still caught in the tangled web of curriculum. So, how do we even begin to understand the language and behaviors of students if we cannot take the time to address the texts they bring and the stories they tell? But, if we take time to listen to their stories there are so many other things we can not do (Horton, 1998). So, educators have some decisions to make as to whether the prescribed curriculum is as important as they

think it is. Of additional significance in education is the establishment of trust within the classroom; students need to feel safe enough to express themselves and take risks as educators attempt to bridge literacy learning to home, school, and culture.

Opportunities for discussion of opinions that are quite possibly against those of others are, without question, opportunities of learning as they expand students’ literacy horizons (Janks, 2001; as cited in Comber & Simpson, 2001). Cultural and social components woven into content are an added bonus to this critical approach while engagement in this approach helps establish the realization that students are the experts of their lives – they know and live their lives for better or worse. No doubt, we can learn something from them. Educators need to humble themselves, take a step back, and listen. According to Horton, (1998), there are valuable things to learn from birds.

“They have to fly against the wind, but after a while they stop fighting it and find a place to land and hole up. They don’t try the impossible… There are times when you can’t go ahead… that’s the time to hole up and start thinking” (p. 200). We are never going to get ahead in education unless we permit ourselves to hole up and contemplate what we can learn from and about our students that can then be applied toward the greater good of all students.

The identity component.

It is impossible to link critical theory to identity without an analysis of the issue of identity – who are these students? Who do I, as their educator, think they are? Who does the institution think they are? Don’t I need to know their language and their perceptions of their experiences in order to be able to navigate them toward their goals?

In other words, don’t I need to know more than they know about themselves (1998)?

As students exhibit their identity component each and every day, educators must seize the opportunity and address this critical issue of identity. “There’s much to learn from how things get started. You can’t cut off the top of a tree and stick it in the ground somewhere and make it grow – you have to know about the roots” (Horton, 1998; p.

51). How much I have tended to the roots of my students and come to know their histories as I assist in their literate development. Promoting critical literacy is definitely not an exact science, but its wide latitude makes it most worthy and achievable

(O’Brien, 2001; as cited in Comber & Simpson, 2001). Whatever critical approach used today with students can and should differ in the approach used tomorrow and should differ in the approach used with any other student on any given day. This is an incredibly personal approach. At its best, critical literacy provides ways for students to make sense of their own lives as they discover the power drawn from telling their own stories in their own voices (Freire, 1987).

When considering the issue of identity, it seems likely that, the way students think about the world shapes the way they will experience the world. Their identities need to be recognized for the larger societal and historical pieces that they represent

(Cadiero-Kaplan, 2002). If educators present opportunities that help students decide which identities they wish to nurture, students can embark on the creation of their lives while having the opportunity to impact every aspect of the cultural piece they represent.

In so doing, students become empowered to engage in meaningful learning and living situations within their time and space.

According to Gee (2000) there are multiple identities that can emerge and

coexist within an individual’s time and space: Nature-Identity, Discourse-Identity,

Affinity-Identity, and Institutional-Identity. Each identity is encouraged to exist, if and only if, each is recognized as such. This recognition occurs as a result of first, the N-

Identity, the individual’s biologic state; second, the D-Identity, the dialogue heard by the individual about the individual; third, the A-Identity, the individual’s participation within a group that has a shared interest; and last, the I-Identity, the role that is fulfilled by an individual within various institutions. In other words, an individual is recognized as a certain kind of person depending on the fulfillment of certain roles within certain contexts. Thus, if educators work to understand students’ identities, they might be able to understand how they connect to the way students externally “read the word” and internally “read the world” (Freire, 1973).

The nature identity perspective

Gee’s (2000) perspectives note that the child’s N-Identity develops as a result of the family he/she was born into. This identity flourishes within the existence in that family. The child’s identity is basically dictated by the nature of biology and family placement and the child has no control over this force. At this point the child has done nothing to assist in this identity forming process.

The institutional identity and discourse identity perspectives

As the N-Identity coexists within and interrelates to the I-Identity, it is possible that the I-identity evolves into something completely different because the child is or is not recognized as a different kind of person. This, in turn, places an enormous amount of responsibility on our institutions to nourish self-acceptance and self-worth as they have the potential to add to the creation of a positive I-Identity. Thus, schools must be

inviting opportunities for students to present their “wonderful ideas” (Duckworth,

1987). If institutions can, in fact, influence the evolution of identity, the educator’s role can, in fact, influence students’ self-esteem by encouraging an expression of these ideas. But, more often than not, something happens in the formal school setting that prevents this kind of learning to continue. For a myriad of reasons, expression of ideas is often stifled often resulting in the loss of interest in learning and/or a loss of enthusiasm for teaching (hooks, 1994). What seems apparent is that a young child never seems to lose sight of the excitement of learning but this excitement is often not carried into adulthood (Freire, 1987; hooks, 1994). Students of all ages, even college students, who have a sense of community, are able to maintain that excitement and acceptance that is so vital to learning (hooks, 1994). As schools seek ways to build that sense of community that is so fundamental, dialogue provides the perfect opportunity to create the openness that is needed. Gee (2000) notes the power that can be drawn from dialogue within his perspective of the D-Identity. Dialogue, used in the beginnings of learning, recognizes a person in certain ways. It is the continuing dialogue within the school that can either help that student accept or resist the evolving identity that is recognized. Likewise, a newly created identity can be recognized through the dialogue in the school community. “People can accept, contest, and negotiate identities in terms of whether they will be seen primarily (or in some fore grounded way) as Nature,

Institutional, Discourse, or Affinity-Identities. What is at issue, though, is “how and by whom a particular identity is to be recognized” (Gee, 1996; p.109). Hence, educators have enormous power as they contribute to the evolving identities of their students.

It is important to note that some students seem to be caught in an identity that is imposed upon them. Their history of schooling has contributed to positioning them in a certain identity that they do not know how to escape. Thus, teachers’ awareness of what students say and what they do is equally important to the construction a place where they feel safe enough to be themselves and tell their life stories (Lankshear & McLaren,

1993). Students need to be able to speak and act in a way that is representative of their identity without feeling threatened. In this way, the discourse exchange between teachers and students is equally powerful.

The affinity identity perspective

What is recognized is the power students draw from one another in their affinity groups. This identity is perhaps more influential than we will ever know for adolescents as they seek approval in shared experiences with one another. On the college level, particularly, students are carefully weighing which affinity groups to join as there is enormous opportunity for them to participate in an evolution of this identity while they attempt to fit in to college life, make new friends, and join various organizations. They are at a new starting point in their lives; they can choose to resist or accept their past history with schooling and affinity group identity. For many developmental students, in particular, however, this identity is in a sense, on hold as they find it difficult to balance school, work, and relationships, while they question who they are and or who they want to be.

The trauma component

According to Steele (2002), there are four possible ways to be exposed to trauma: first, as a surviving victim; second, as a witness to a trauma-inducing incident;

third, being related to the victim; and fourth, verbal exposure to the details of a traumatic experience. Regardless of the type of exposure, trauma is experienced as a sensory experience (Saigh, 1999). “This sensory state of trauma is defined by a sense of terror, powerlessness, and the absence of safety…behavior is altered in response to the danger” (Steele, 2002; p.2). Trauma is “stored implicitly via images, sensations, affective and behavioral states” (2002, p.2). Survivors can in effect be “frozen in an activated state of arousal” (2002, p.1). If this sensory state is not “discharged or deactivated, the sustained arousal state can lead to sustained cognitive and behavioral dysfunction” (Grill, 2001; as cited in Steele, 2002; p.3). Remaining in an aroused state makes it difficult to process verbal information, follow directions, and recall information; in short, “focusing, attending, retaining and recalling verbal information” all become very difficult (Steele, 2002; p.1). Other cognitive deficits include problem solving, low self-esteem and hopelessness (Yang and Clum, 2000). Research has shown that trauma in the early years of life strongly influences cognitive development (2000).

Long and short-term intervention becomes a necessary tool to restore that sense of safety and power that was lost (Steele, 2002). Without intervention, cognitive, memory, and behavioral functions may continue to be affected (2002). It may be that this aroused sensory state, if left untreated, permeates the individual to the point that he/she begins to incorporate the trauma into his/her identity.

Untreated trauma exposure can lead to “difficulty maintaining adult or peer relationships, attention problems, drug and alcohol dependency, increased risk of dropping out of school, recurring physical and mental health problems, repeated delinquent behavior leading to adult criminal behavior (Van Dalen, 2001). “30%

…have some form of language or cognitive disability; 50% or more have difficulty in school, including poor attendance and misconduct; 22% or more have a learning disorder; 25% require special education services at some time” (Steele, 2003;

Massachusetts Citizens for Children, 2001, p. 4; Weinstein, 2000).

Furthermore, trauma exposure can be a single incident or a multiple of incidents. Exposure to a single incident could ultimately result in Post Traumatic Stress

Disorder, PTSD, or Type I trauma, if left untreated (Terr, 1990). PTSD can lead to

“negative coping mechanisms that often take the form of oppositional/defiant and aggressive behavior” (Jacobs, 2003). Likewise, exposure to multiple, prolonged or repeated trauma, could result in Complex Cumulative Trauma Disorder, CTD, or

Disorder of Extreme Stress Not Otherwise Specified, DESNOS, otherwise known as

Type II and Type III trauma (Rothchild, 2000). Regardless of the trauma diagnosis, research has confirmed that “trauma can significantly interfere with a child’s ability to learn, interact socially, problem solve and function as a healthy, normal child or adolescent” (Briere, 2001; Deblinger, Lippman and Steer, 1996; Michaesu & Battig,

1996; Terr, 1990, Pynoos and Eth, 1986; as cited in Jacobs, 2003, p.3).

Chapter Three

The Construction

Happenstance: my participant

In some ways, I began this research before I even knew I was doing research. It became autoethnographical almost immediately as I found it impossible to detach my own thoughts and feelings while I entered into the details of her life (Hayano, 1979).

My employment, at that time, was a school district’s mentor for at-risk students. I was working at a large public school district in the mid-west, considered to be both suburban and rural because it encompassed a very large area, as a mentor for any student deemed fitting by the counselors or administrators among the four district high schools. I spent one day a week at each high school and the fifth day of the week I traveled wherever I thought necessary, based on need.

It was nine years ago when I met Ramona in the counselor’s office as she was enrolling in her new school after having been discharged from a children’s psychiatric unit of a local hospital. Perhaps it was fate that I happened to be in the building that day.

I purposely kept few field notes at the time but had stringent logging requirements to document for reimbursement purposes. At the beginning of each school year, my caseload would start with approximately thirty students among the four high schools and would grow to as many as seventy-five students by the end of the year.

Nonetheless, I remember the day I met Ramona as if it was yesterday. She clearly was not happy with her new freshman placement and was solely looking at the opportunity to return to the smaller private school she had attended before she was hospitalized. She

was sure that if she did well in this new school, her father would allow her to return to the friends and teachers she was familiar with. I spent almost an hour with her that day, just listening as she exposed a very vulnerable self. For the rest of her high school years, I remained her mentor, seeing her mostly in her school setting, but, at times elsewhere – her home, a park, or a restaurant - for forty-five minutes to an hour or more each week. I must divulge that there were weeks that the demands of other needy students did not allow us to meet.

We continued to meet only occasionally after her graduation. I said good-bye to her as she entered the army the summer after graduation and lost touch with her for more than six months, never even knowing at the time that she got rejected for details I will go into later. My role, somewhat slowly and without notice, changed from mentor to mentor/friend/substitute mother/older sister/confidant throughout the last five years and our time wavered between weekly, monthly and semi-annual meetings depending on her need or my suggestion to meet. When I invited her to lunch one year ago, I had no idea that she would be so interested in what I was doing and would want to be involved. During that meeting I shared some research that I was beginning, investigating the past experiences of at-risk college freshman. She was particularly interested so I asked if she would like to be a participant, even though she was not in school at the moment. Utilizing purposeful and convenience sampling, I knew she would be a perfect fit for examining schooling experiences in relation to life experiences and I already knew so much about her from mentoring her (Patton, 1990). I explained my role as researcher and her role as participant including a signed consent and she excitedly agreed to participate. She stated that she didn’t have much going on

at the time and would like the weekly time together once again because as she put it,

“School was hard, but life is even harder.”

Reality: my participant

My participant is a twenty-two year old American born Mexican-American. She is an attractive brunette of slight build who has known a life of neglect, abuse and violence. These experiences manifested themselves in a variety of negative behaviors including drug and alcohol abuse, anorexic and bulimic behaviors, self-mutilation, school truancy, and repeated runaways. She is the first to graduate from high school on her maternal side where the effects of alcoholism are obvious. She attempted college, located two hours away from family, for approximately fifteen months but found the obstacles too great and moved back home. Currently, she works full time as an office assistant at a local trucking company. She is grateful for this job because it provides health insurance and will reimburse for tuition expenses when and if she attempts college again. At the conclusion of data collection, Ramona was in her seventh month of her first pregnancy and doing well emotionally and physically. She resides with her boyfriend as they prepare for the birth of their first child.

Research questions

Clearly, my initial research question drove the selection of my participant:

• What role does trauma play in identity, literacy and life?

Other questions prevailed as I directly linked these specific themes to my participant:

• Why is schooling so difficult for this participant?

• Did her personal experiences of trauma exposure prevent her

ability to “do” school?

• What types of trauma exposure has she experienced?

• Does she exhibit trauma related symptoms as a result of this

exposure?

• Is there a relationship between trauma related symptoms and

school performance?

Data collection

My field work evolved almost immediately into a reflexive, ethnographic, life history (Hicks, 2001; Reay, 1997; Schwartz, 2002; Skeggs, 1997, 2001). My decision to focus on one individual rather than many resulted because I intuitively knew that her case spoke volumes about so many others and the basis of trust had already been established (Siddle-Walker, 2003). Her initial interview was compelling and I confirmed my decision on the value of case studies (Denzin & Lincoln, 2000). And so,

I began to mesh myself with the life of my participant, as it was impossible for me to be a disengaged observer (2000). For the next eleven months I invited Ramona to privately meet with me weekly in my home. She had never been to my home before and clearly we were embarking on new territory in our relationship. I began with authoritative audio and video tape recorded interviews but also utilized an interactive conversational process as our meetings progressed, depending on her comfort level

(2000). Each meeting was preceded by a phone call to confirm her attendance. Some of these phone conversations were very brief; while some involved a lengthier conversation as she detailed a small fragment of her week. Regardless, copious hand-

written field notes were taken after every encounter with her. Many other informal meetings were nestled in between our weekly meetings as we arranged to get together to eat lunch at restaurants, take the dogs to the dog park (her most favorite thing to do), go to the zoo (her second most favorite thing), go shopping, go for walks in a park, or drive around in my car so she could show me significant places that she had divulged during our sessions. As familiarity and trust strengthened, our additional weekly encounters also included going to her home, meeting her boyfriend, going to her grandmother’s home, spending the day with her younger sister, meeting at restaurants to eat with her and her boyfriend, going to the hospital for an ultrasound during her pregnancy, spending many days together as we painted and prepared a room for their baby, and going to her baby showers, whereupon I met other significant family members including her mother, other sisters and cousins as well as friends that she has spoken of.

It was during our fourth month of meeting that Ramona showed up at my door carrying a heavy, hand-made wooden box filled with her keepsakes and old journals. She explained that she wanted to leave the box at my home because her dad was to be moving soon and she was Ramona’s keepsake box.

“tired of lugging it around and keeping track of it.” We spent that entire session looking through these artifacts as she reminisced about their meaning. The following week, as I looked for ways to triangulate these documents of her life, I asked her to use her digital camera to photograph people, places or things that were significant to her (Packard et al, 2004; Wang & Buris, 1994). She agreed but eventually had trouble fitting it in with her work schedule. After a few months with no photos, I suggested we drive around and do it together. Thus, many of our meetings during the final months of research were spent in the car. It wasn’t until an informal meeting at the dog park, three months later, that Ramona asked, “Do you know why there are gaps in my written journals?”

When I responded that I did not, she continued, “That’s because I used to do voice journaling too.” It was then that she donated to the other artifacts - her autobiographical voice journals from a mini voice recorder.

Ramona spends lots of time contemplating how hard life is after graduating from high school.

Artifacts: • large handmade wooden box with lid containing the following: o fur skins: 1 brown, 1 white with beads, feathers, and leather tassels o hand painted smiling face; 10 inch wooden o 1996-1997 calendar o coin purse o bird feathers: 1 large, 2 medium, 11 small o immunization record o leather small sack (cream color) o leather small sack (caramel color) contains 6 shiny stones, 5 other stones in the shape of a fish, a dog, a cat, a bear, a bird o small Avon box with folded tissue o 2 Indian necklaces with beaded rope o cotton small sack (linen) o cotton small sack with glass rock inside o plastic wall plaque of the Virgin Mary o high school letter with star pin o photograph of self- smiling, next to closet in bedroom, hanging up shirt, wearing pink shirt (approximate age 10) o red plastic box with stickers contains 2 school medals, ribbons and a coin purse containing empty cigarette pack and memorial card of grandmother o 4 books Here Comes Winter (soft-cover) labeled 2/27/89 first book read - a bunny gets ready for winter by making himself a new coat; 1 page missing -handwritten replacement page The Wheels on the Bus (soft-cover) while waiting for a bus to take her 2 granddaughters shopping, a grandmother teaches the song The Adventures of Marian (hard-cover), includes 2 stories -stork saves a chicken from a fox - rabbit runs away and is saved by Marian The Velveteen Rabbit (soft-cover) -stuffed toy rabbit becomes real by being loved so much by a young boy

Ramona’s keepsake books.

o Folders Yellow; labeled 1988-1989 school work grade k 3 coloring worksheets and 1 free hand drawing of an owl Blue; many creative writing samples, 1st and 2nd grade, 1991, 1992 paragraph about animals love, hate, memories list Gray folder; many creative writing samples from 1992-1996 portfolio samples, 1996 reviewer note from portfolio, 1996 coloring papers from kindergarten Award certificates: Kindergarten certificate of completion, May 1989 Kindergarten certificate for Outstanding Achievement, May 1989 Creative Writing, May 1990 Best Student of the Month, April 1991 Writing, May 1991 Honor Roll, May 1991 Best Student of the Month, March 1992 Language, May 1992 Best Student of the Month, February 1993 Music folder; labeled 7th inside front cover – Miss N…. sucks inside back cover- “After band we’ll wait for each other cause I’m have to kick A…..T…..s ASS!!! and I though you’d want to help. you bet on it! I’ll get M…. on him!” drawings, notes, love messages from younger sisters school work of younger sisters a broken heart love message tooth fairy note, written for sister o Journals Pink heart notebook 1990-1991 Blue notebook January 1992-May1992 Green notebook (covered in stickers) March 1997- August 1997 Galaxy notebook October 1997- November 1998 Black hard-cover notebook December 1999-July 2001

• Five audio cassette voice journals • Floral hard cover journal with farewell hand-written letters from group-home leaders

A closer look at the data

Using grounded theory, I qualitatively analyzed the field notes, audio and video taped interviews, personal handwritten journals, voice recorded journals, photographs, and other artifacts (Strauss & Corbin, 1998; Denzin & Lincoln, 2000). I chose the themes of trauma, identity, literacy of the word, and literacy of the world based on my prior research that resulted in an analysis of two case studies (Kellner, 2004). The photographs taken by my participant were utilized to triangulate these themes as they captured aspects of her life as well as her perspective on those aspects (Packard et al,

2004; Wang & Burris, 1994). A discussion and an appropriate caption for each photograph ensued as an additional way to triangulate the themes (2004; 1994).

Systematic introspection allowed me to thoughtfully examine the journals and other artifacts of my participant and helped me to understand my participant in relation to the themes (Denzin & Lincoln, 2000). I was particularly careful not to overexpose my participant and worsen her original reactions of trauma (Mc Farlane, 1994). When she said she did not remember something or she didn’t know something, I did not pressure her to continue. Likewise, I was sensitive to her body language, tone, and attitude as she disclosed very personal events (Denzin & Lincoln, 2000). I continually asked her if she wanted to continue and allowed her to decide how much and when to disclose her trauma (Perry, 1993).

I specifically analyzed experiences in her past and/or present life that are known trauma-inducing events (Kubany et al, 2000). I also analyzed her behaviors, comments, writing samples, photos, captions and perspectives for clues of trauma related symptoms (Strauss & Corbin, 1998; Denzin & Lincoln, 2000). I qualitatively analyzed

all data as it related to trauma, identity, literacy of the word, and literacy of the world

(1998; 2000). Together, the interviews, artifacts, and the photos provided powerful insights. Words combined with images – and visceral ones at that – can be very telling

(Wang & Burris, 1994). Her journals, particularly both written and voice, helped clarify the extent and effect of the trauma experience(s). Likewise, photo imaging proved to be extremely useful because, at times, there are few words that could accurately describe an incident (Steele, 2002). Ramona’s journals and calendar.

Her journals, both written and voice recorded, are treasured artifacts that I have reviewed more times than I can state as I attempted content analysis.

I particularly noted any discussion of trauma, identity, external literacy of the word, and internal literacy of the world. As I muddled through the enormous amount of data that I had collected, some compelling issues emerged repeatedly. And so, I began the labor- intensive task of sorting, categorizing and labeling. I made a decision early on that Ramona’s words were so gripping that I needed to use them to tell her story. No words I could come up with were even close by comparison. I knew, too, that I wanted this dissertation to be a sensory experience for those who read it because of the impression it has left on me. Throughout this entire research, I have been

touched in a way I never imagined and I hope the presentation of my analysis will do the same for you. Her mosaic is quite unusual; yet, each piece brings a closer understanding of the impact of trauma.

Chapter Four

Piece by Piece

Identity and trauma

While Gee (1996) makes no mention of trauma in his identity work, I have come to realize throughout my teaching career, that individual students seem to incorporate a traumatic experience that they may have had into their identity. One unnamed student explained her absences and her inability to do assignments on time by telling me that she was a rape victim. I was surprised that she disclosed this very personal victimization early in the school quarter; I had barely come to know her at all.

Yet, her identity as a victim of rape seemed to her to be a very excusable explanation for her inability to “do” school. Another student explained his reason for missing class by identifying with his experience of being the driver in a fatal car accident. He offered that he caused his younger brother’s death in the accident and he missed class because of a public speaking engagement for new sixteen-year-old drivers. This clearly seemed to be a worthwhile thing for him to be doing; yet, it was in his description of himself that his identity was caught up in this catastrophic event. A different student wore her large furry slippers to every class as, perhaps, a symbol of her need for comfort. When asked to explain her lack of attendance, she confided that she is the baby in her family and her two older sisters care for her because her mother died three years prior (her father is also absent in her life). When I asked her why she always wore her slippers to class, she said she liked them and she liked to be comfortable. She identified herself as being orphaned. Still another student identified herself as a survivor. Openly in class, she detailed a riveting story of surviving a gunshot wound to her face. She stated that if

she can get through that, she can get through anything, referring to the challenging academic demands of her courses. Most recently, a student sat in my office crying because she was not “doing” school well. She went on to explain that she was “the dorm student whose window had been shot out”. She explained that only minutes before, she was at the sink brushing her teeth and the bullet could have hit her. “I’ve been traumatized. I can’t concentrate.”

These students have all been recognized as victims of their tragedy through their

Discourse Identity (Gee, 1996, 2000). But, it is clearly so much more than that. They have lived through the catastrophic event – they have tried it on and wear it like a coat.

They can’t or don’t know how or when to take it off. It has emerged as part of their identity. Their victimization is so overwhelming for them that they describe themselves in the experience rather than through their Narrative, Institutional, Affinity or

Discourse Identity. I, therefore, hypothesize that there may be an additional trauma identity perspective that presents itself as an alternative to Gee’s (1996) four perspectives on identity when indelible and unalterable events become too much to bear.

In an attempt to examine this further, I present the autobiographical life of

Ramona (Kirsch, 1999; Olsen, 1984; Probyn, 1993). For the purpose of anonymity, I have changed her name. You will meet her through the events that she has shared with me, and my interpretation of those events. Her narrative unfolds here through my memory of knowing her prior to the beginning of this research and through the intensive times where she allowed me to be privy to a part of her where no one else has been. Formal audio and video taped interviews, informal meetings, phone

conversations, written and voice journals, interactions with her family members and friends, photographs and other artifacts have all contributed to this narrative (Denzin &

Lincoln, 2000). As I complete her narrative, you will find the connection of what is said to what is found to be true as determined by trauma research in the trauma section at the end of chapter five. Until then, I invite you to learn as much about Ramona as I have learned.

In the case of Ramona, it is the complex intersection of her experiences with her trauma exposure that has helped shape her identity. As I attempt to connect the kind of person she is to the trauma she has experienced, I restate Gee’s (2000) four perspectives for clarification and reference:

• The nature perspective, or N-Identity, develops as a result of biological

placement within a family. We were born into our N-Identity and we have no

control over it (p. 101).

• The institutional perspective, or I-Identity, emerges as a result of our

participation within certain institutions. It develops according to the role that we

assume within that institution (p. 102).

• The discourse perspective, or D-Identity, grows as we become recognized for

being or acting a certain way. It is created through the way people treat us and

talk to us. We gain power from this identity from what others tell us as it begins

to take shape (p.104).

• The affinity perspective, or A-Identity, develops through our participation and

shared experiences with other people. It is through our “distinct experiences

from affiliation with an affinity group” that this identity grows (p. 105).

The nature perspective

Unfortunately for Ramona, she is born into a life of pain. At the age of twenty- two, she sits before me looking like a perfectly normal, well groomed, happy adult. She is highly intelligent and well spoken. But on the inside, there is more emotional pain than any one person should have had to deal with. As I interview Ramona, she implies in circuitous ways that she openly rejects her Nature Identity. But as it is with family, these ties are difficult to sever and walk away from.

Ramona is the oldest of four children and has two half-sisters and a half-brother.

She considers them to be true siblings even though “they all have different dads”. Her biological Mexican father, known only to her mother, has never been a part of her life.

Her mother gave birth at the age of eighteen; she was and still is a drug and alcohol abuser. Two years later, she and Ramona move half way across the country where they establish roots with other family members. For the next twenty years, Ramona lives a confusing insecure life. Three men, as her mother’s boyfriends, follow in Ramona’s young life before the age of six; the last being the man Ramona refers to as Dad. They marry when Ramona is six and divorced when she is eleven. Nonetheless, Ramona is born into a nature identity filled with pain and obstacles so great that she ultimately tries to reject this identity as an adult.

DISBELIEF

I don’t always believe everything my mother says

Like me, Ramona’s exposure to trauma strikes inadvertently when she is still in the womb. Her mother is “stabbed in the stomach early when she was pregnant” during a fight with other women. It is during the hospital treatment for her wound that her

pregnancy is confirmed. As Ramona recounts this story that she’s been told by her mother, she explains that she was born in California and moved to the Midwest to be near other relatives when she was two years old.

“My mother says that she didn’t want me growing up in that kind of

environment, with all the drugs and the partying, so that’s why she moved up

here. But that’s exactly the kind of environment she created here so I don’t

know how much of that is actually true.”

She doubts that her mother discontinued her drug use of “crack and things like that” while she was still pregnant even though she says she did.

“If you’re into that much partying and you’re into that much drug use, I find it

kind of hard to believe.”

Ramona at one month old is held by her uncle.

She also doubts the real reason they left California,

“I bet that isn’t why we had to move over here (referring to a better

environment) because she had to leave EVERYTHING, quickly. She didn’t pack

anything when she left, she just left, even all my baby stuff. I don’t have

anything except a baby book. And we had to leave even my Mr. Bear (her

security teddy bear) and I’m wondering if we had to leave for some other

reason. She never went back to get it and nobody ever sent her boxes of

anything. So I’m wondering if there’s an ulterior motive for leaving California

other than the environment. Sometimes she just says things because they sound

good.”

Her father remains absent in her life from birth to this day,

“He left and no one could get a hold of him for child support.” She doesn’t mind not knowing who her father is, but admits that she would like to see a picture of him because, as she put it,

“Half my whole makeup is this man I’ve never seen before. I wouldn’t want to

meet him, though. I am almost twenty-three and I have no use for him in my life.

But, I would like the medical history from that side of the family.”

INSECURITY

My mother didn’t make sure I was safe

Her earliest memory of her N-Identity is at the age of three when she sleeps over at her grandmother’s house, “all the time,” with her new Mr. Bear (she got a new security teddy bear as soon as she moved). Her favorite place to go is to her grandmother’s when she is young, even though this N-Identity results in trauma exposure that she recounts vividly.

“I remember one time, my mom dropped me off to stay the night and I guess she

had left before making sure I was inside safe. You had to go up the stairs to a

landing and then go up the stairs again to another landing and there was a door

that led to more stairs to her place. So I went up all these stairs and I went

pounding, pounding on this door, and nobody came to answer and my mom had

already left. I couldn’t have been more than four years old at this point. I

remember I slept on that landing that night because I had nowhere to go.

Someone had left their laundry in a basket out on the landing and I remember

taking out some of the laundry

and covering myself up with it

because nobody would answer

the door. Nobody answered the

door and my mom was gone so

I just slept on the landing. And

Ramona (age four) slept on a landing when her mom dropped her off at Gramma’s.

I remember waking up and there was this women sitting on the stairs folding the

laundry that was still in the basket and she just smiled at me and I went back to

sleep. And I remember eventually when I woke up, my mom came to pick me up

and I was still there on that landing. I think that maybe she (grandmother) just

didn’t hear me; maybe she was sleeping. All I know is that nobody answered the

door and my mom was gone.”

VULNERABILITY

I feel safe at Gramma’s even though she drinks too

It isn’t until much later, that Ramona reveals to me that her grandmother, like her mother, was an alcoholic.

“I just liked going to my grandmother’s house. I spent at least half my

childhood there, even in school, because she lived three or four blocks from me.

She was an alcoholic and stuff like that, which I really didn’t realize until later,

but she was,” she says as if she is trying to convince herself of this fact.

“I used to sleep at her house at least four nights a week, two to three nights in a

row, even during school. We would watch Perry Mason, and Matlock, and

Golden Girls, and Murder She Wrote. And I remember telling her she should

marry Matlock because I wanted him to be my Grandpa.”

“I loved my Gramma. I hated my mother and I really didn’t like my Dad, I loved

my Gramma. I trusted her ya know.”

NEGLECT AT HOME

I played alone a lot when my mother wasn’t there

Clearly, Ramona’s N-Identity supplies her with the pain of an alcoholic mother and grandmother and an absent biologic father. This leads to an early life peppered with unpredictable moments and lots of alone time.

“My Mom used to sleep real late. I would get out of bed and make my cereal

and I would watch cartoons and I remember she would be sleeping.”

She also remembers sharing a room with her baby sister and playing make believe by herself, underneath her younger sister’s crib as her sister sleeps above.

“I would play by myself a lot. I would play Bambi and Rudolf were friends and I

would either be one or the other and someone would capture the other. I would

use her (baby sister’s) crib. I would slide the thing down and that would be the

cage. I would play that game everyday and I would be all by

myself. I would pretend I was captured and I was Bambi or

Rudolf.”

As she recounts these moments within her Nature

perspective, she becomes quiet and contemplative; isolation

will become very familiar to Ramona by the time she is an

adult.

Ramona shared a room with her baby sister and often played alone underneath her crib.

SECURITY

Mr. Bear was always there for me

Her sole security during her N-Identity is Mr. Bear.

“As soon as we got over here, she (mom) bought me a new Mr. Bear because I

wanted it. I wanted it so bad. I had my Mr. Bear and I took him everywhere, I

still have him to this day. I used to give him haircuts and things like that.” (she

laughs) And then she adds pensively, as if trying to come to terms with it,

“I did spend a lot of time by myself.”

The new M. Bear holds a place of importance even today.

SEXUAL ABUSE

I can’t remember what happened at the babysitter’s

As her N-Identity exposes her to neglect, it also exposes her to abuse at an early age.

“Before I went to kindergarten, I had this babysitter and I hated going. I hated

my babysitter and even more than hating her I hated the kids there. I couldn’t

stand going there. I don’t remember what my mom did that I had to go to this

babysitter. There was this boy and he was much older than me and he was

always trying to kiss me and talk me into taking my shirt off. And I remember

thinking, ‘I hate this place.’ One time when she made me go, I ran away. I ran

upstairs and hid behind my toy box and when she couldn’t find me she called

the police. When they found me, she made me go anyway. I hated that

babysitter. And one day, I wore a skirt and when I got there I thought, ‘Oh God,

I’m never wearing a skirt again. It was just asking for trouble from boys.’ I

remember thinking how stupid I felt in my skirt and I didn’t want to be wearing

it anymore. I just didn’t want to be wearing it whatsoever. I hated that

babysitter.”

When I ask if more happened and if she

was possibly molested, she says,

“I don’t know, I don’t remember.

Sometimes I think that things did happen

because there’s a lot of stuff I just don’t

Ramona hated going to the babysitter’s house.

remember. But that’s ok with me – I’m afraid that if I unlock all that stuff, that

there would be way too much from my childhood for me to handle. I just would

rather not know.”

VIOLENCE and ALCOHOLISM

I just don’t remember the fights

Her N-Identity continues with exposure to violence and the men in her mom’s life as well. Much of this adds to feeling unsafe.

“Living with Bill, I remember coming home in the house and there were always

mugs and ashtrays in the yard because they would get in fights and throw things

at each other. I remember waking up and the coffee table would be shattered.

They would have parties. I remember one time there was a whole bunch of

people at our house and I couldn’t sleep and I came out – just a little kid in my

pajamas – and there was this guy sitting on the floor leaning against the wall

with his legs crossed out in front of him and he said, ‘Come here, sit next to me.

Come, sit on my lap.’ I went over and sat on his lap. Ya know, I’m just a little

kid in my pajamas and I remember the next day my mom yelling at me for that.

‘You never sit on a stranger’s lap Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know you

shouldn’t have done that.”

“When I think about it now, this was a man that you invited into our house, he

was in our house! Why shouldn’t I have felt comfortable? So now I wonder,

‘What kind of people are you inviting into our house that you didn’t want me

sitting next to them?’”

“I remember they would always have parties and things were thrown and

broken and stuff like that. I don’t remember the parties ever waking me up. But

the fights and stuff that happened - those fights had to have woken me up. I had

to have seen something, but I just don’t remember it though.”

“I learned with Bill to just not remember anymore.”

IMPOVERISHMENT

Was I hungry?

Neglect and abuse reappear in Ramona’s N-Identity repeatedly. There are also signs of poverty exposure.

“After Bill, Mom met Dave and I was taken out of school and sent to another

school. When we got in trouble Dave would spank us with a belt; he would use

the metal part of it. We lived in a trailer. I didn’t like him at all. I spent most of

my time outside. It was either inside the trailer with him and my mom or outside

by myself. I spent a lot of time under the deck or under a tree. There were tons

of wild grasses, wild onions, and wild flowers, and I would eat the flowers.”

When I ask her if she ate the flowers because she was hungry, she said,

“I don’t know. It wouldn’t surprise me.”

In truth, hunger comes to the forefront on two other occasions. I find a story about being hungry in her first grade journal. In addition, one day, as we are driving around her old neighborhood, she points out a corner store and a crevice between two buildings.

“My friend Stacy and I - we used to steal baby food and take it between

those two buildings to eat it.”

I am surprised at how little space there is

between the buildings. I determine she

had to have been in first or second grade

at best because, no one any larger could

fit. Once again, I ask if she stole because

she was hungry and she responds,

“I really don’t remember being

hungry. But what I really don’t get is

why we stole baby food and not candy or

gum or something.”

We take a moment to walk into the

convenient store to check on the location

of the baby food. Sure enough, the store

hasn’t changed at all, so, she mimics the theft, showing me just how clever she was, never having been caught. But she doesn’t

want to focus on hunger, instead she continues about isolation,

Ramona steals banana baby food, hides in the crevice between these two buildings and eats it.

“Even in school, I’d get mad when the kids weren’t playing house right and I

would go do something by myself. That’s probably why I like the outdoors so

much – I always spent a lot of time by myself outdoors especially in 2nd and 3rd

grade, I spent tons and tons outside by myself because I hated being in there

with my mom and my dad.” (she is now referring to Craig, her dad today).

PHYSICAL ABUSE

I got the worst spanking of my life and nobody did anything

In the N-Identity, children take what they are given because they have no other way of taking it. In Ramona’s Nature perspective, she takes what she is given with a disbelief that no one intercepted on her behalf.

“Mom married Craig when I was six. At first, I liked Craig. He was never

around very much. He was always working. Several years after working a lot he

came around and tried to tell me what to do and I thought ‘Who the hell are you

to tell me what to do?’ I remember thinking he was a jerk and couldn’t tell me

what to do. He yelled at us a lot. One time my friend’s mom found cuss words in

a note I had written. She told my parents and Craig gave me the worst spanking

of my life. I was in second or third grade and I remember going to school and I

couldn’t sit. It hurt to sit because of the bruises. I don’t know what I told my

teacher but I sat in her rocking chair because it had a cushion on it. I don’t

know if I told her the truth or something else because it seems like if I had told

her the truth, she would have taken some kind of action. I guess I told her

something different or else she just didn’t do anything about it.”

When I ask if her mother knew she says,

“Oh yeah, Mom knew.” Then she thinks about her cousin, “My cousin, Tiffany,

wouldn’t spend the night because if we got in trouble he would spank her too.

His spankings were so horrible that she just didn’t want to take the chance. He

used his hand – he was either around spanking us or not around at all because

he was working.”

“Mom never spanked though, but once I got older, there was a couple of times

that she smacked me in the face and then I decided that wasn’t going to happen

anymore and we started fighting (physically).”

IMPOVERISHMENT

Our house was falling down a hill

Exposure to poverty and drugs emerges on several occasions in her Nature

Identity.

“We lived in this one house and there was a woods out back. I loved the woods

so much. That’s why I spent so much time out there. Our house was crappy and

was falling down a hill. We had this basement though that was turned into a

playroom. Dad’s off ice was down there and we were never allowed to go in it. I

just found out a couple years ago that he grew my mom’s pot down there. Her

habit was so expensive; he never did it, he never smoked, he was just tired of

buying it for her.”

On one of our outings together, Ramona wants to show me her house that was falling down the hill. When we drive into the short gravel drive and continue up a small hill, all that we find at the top is a bare hill with other old houses on either side. An empty hill overlooks some woods.

“It’s gone - I can’t believe my house is gone! It was right here. It was right

here, I know this is where it was,” she says more than once.

She is completely stunned and taken aback to find nothing there and I am as bewildered as she is. Together, we are both shocked to see so vividly that this house that she had described as falling down a hill, has actually fallen down the hill and has been demolished. The disbelief that settles within us is unsettling. For me, this validates all that she has been telling me, even though I didn’t need the validation; for her, this validates how bad it actually was.

Ramona used to live in a house on this hill.

We sat for a long time in this gravel drive as she told me many stories of that house. It is through these stories that I learn that many of her experiences are very ordinary, just like those of other children. One she tells is of the first deer she ever saw while living in that house. She writes a story about it in one of her old journals. (I make a mental note to try to find it in the journals that she has given me). Another is about a mother raccoon that had babies in the chimney. Still another is about an argument she had with her cousin, Tiffany, about eternal salvation when they happen upon a dead snake.

“Snakes do so have a soul and go to heaven!” Ramona argues with her cousin.

These stories that she recounts are useful to me as it proves that, in so many ways,

Ramona is just an ordinary child living an ordinary life. Yet, in so many other untold ways, she is a child absorbing indelible and unalterable fragments of pain creating the most extraordinary mosaic within her time and space.

APATHY AT HOME

I really don’t care what they do

Her nature identity continues in her discussion of her early birthdays.

“I didn’t have any very good birthdays. I usually wound up leaving and I would

be by myself. I used to go in the woods. I knew those woods like the back of my

hand. I knew where every thorn bush patch was and where every trail was. My

cat used to go with me. I think that’s why I like the outdoors so much. I would

just leave. My mom instigated this one fight. She would always start something.

I remember I was extra mad at mom. She wanted me to share my new toy with

my cousin. I was just a kid and I didn’t want to. My mom was mean and I just

left. When I got back, they had had the party without me and had eaten the cake

and everything. I didn’t really care.”

I am saddened by the fact that even birthdays, the most commonplace part of childhood, contribute to Ramona’s indelible and unalterable fragments of pain.

The institutional, discourse, and affinity perspective

As Ramona’s young life already teaches her so much about a very adult world in the not-so-ordinary times of her life, she enters the child’s ordinary world of school.

Her nature identity provides her with insecure roots and confusion while her institutional, discourse and affinity identities continue to feed the chaos.

ATYPICAL

I don’t fit in here at school

“I remember I went to two schools my kindergarten year. In first grade, I was

left handed and I was the only kid that was left handed in my class so they wrote

an ‘R’ on my right hand and I had to sit on my left hand and I had to write with

my right hand.”

“The next school I

went to, though,

they had left

handed scissors

there. Half of my

class was left

handed and I

remember thinking that was really cool. One of Ramona’s elementary schools.

And I loved that class. I didn’t want to go back to my old school when I had to

leave. My mom met my dad and I had

to go back.”

INSECURITY and DRUGS

I really don’t like this school

“I switched schools a lot! After Bill,

mom met Dave and then I was taken

out of school and I went to a different

school in a different county. And then

she met my dad and she cheated on

Dave with my dad, Craig, and she Another elementary school that Ramona attended.

married Craig. Between kindergarten and 5th grade I probably moved five or six

times. I can’t keep up with it. I’ve moved so many times, I don’t even try. I don’t

remember actually going to school very much though.”

Two other elementary schools that Ramona attended.

Yet, of 5th grade she recalls,

“I hated that school. This one girl that was my friend, at lunch we would get

these cookies in these long bags. And everyday at lunch she would always ask

everybody for their bag – ‘Can I have your bag, can I have your bag?’ – one

day I said, ‘I got two bags here and I’m not going to give them to you until you

tell me why everyday you ask people for their bags.’ She said she would tell me

at recess. When we got outside she told me that she would put nail polish in the

bags and she would huff the nail polish out of the bag. I just remember thinking

‘that’s really weird’ and I just gave her my bags. I knew what huffing was, but

besides my own parents, I had never associated anyone else with drugs before.

So I stopped buying cookies because I didn’t want to give her my bags.”

Consequently, while each new school adds a piece of insecurity to her mosaic, it also adds a new dimension.

POTENTIAL

I got tons and tons of things at the Awards Assembly

Ramona has much potential that is recognized early on by

many teachers but eventually, is left untapped.

“I made straight A’s for many, many years even into my

middle school years when things started changing. I was in

the smart kids’ gifted and talented group and we got to make

cool things and it was fun. I don’t remember any significant

teachers except for my 6th grade teacher. She was old and

Ramona’s elementary and middle school awards.

had curly hair and was the coolest teacher. She loved us. We made marionette

puppets, but I moved before I could finish mine. She said I could come back and

finish mine during the summer but my parents never took me back.”

As Ramona recalls her elementary and middle school years, she uses phrases like, “pretty good kid” and “good in school.” She says she got lots of awards at school and got, “tons and tons of things at the Awards Assembly.”

Nevertheless, other things are happening in Ramona’s elementary and middle school awards. her life that make it impossible for this positive recognition to fuse with her identity.

APATHY AT SCHOOL

I just didn’t care

When Ramona talks about her high school experience with me, there is no doubt that she loves learning. Yet, looking back, she now realizes that she could have done really well if she had put some effort into school work.

“I really enjoyed learning. I just didn’t care. I loved learning about history,

literature, field biology and transcendentalism – I took really good notes.”

Yet, she states more than once,

“If I would have tried, I would have done really well. I just didn’t care. I

skipped a lot of classes and stuff. I didn’t participate. I could have done very

well and I just chose not to.”

I am particularly interested in this lack of motivation that she speaks of; it is a very recognizable piece that I see so often with other students.

UNUSUALLY UNUSUAL

I wasn’t really in a group in high school

As I look through Ramona’s journals one day, I find the words “she’s unusually unusual” etched into one of her high school notebooks. Can it be that by the time she is a teen, she is feeling so unusual that she is forced to make friends outside of the usual friends that others made?

“Making friends wasn’t a big priority in high school. I moved around so

much. I was fine on my own. I didn’t have any high school girl friends. The first

half of school, I was just partying and using all the time. I had a lot of fun. I

would go to a bar by myself or I would go to a party by myself – that never

bothered me. But in school, I wasn’t really in a group. I didn’t care to talk to a

lot of people. I never made an effort. I was there and I didn’t think people really

noticed me. I didn’t care – none of my friends were in high school. Most of them

were older than me, in their twenties. I would meet them at parties and I got in

a lot of trouble. We would get messed up. When I think about it now, I think,

‘Why would a twenty year old want to hang out with a sixteen or seventeen year

old?’ I would have liked stability. I switched schools so much. I wish I hadn’t.”

I am both intrigued and impressed by this phrase, “unusually unusual,” that

Ramona has coined. It is ironic that she has written this in her journal. I think she is extremely profound and I wonder who or what she is describing here. Can it be that she is describing herself? Is she trying to be unusually unusual or do her experiences make her so different from everyone else that she is unusually unusual?

ISOLATION

I don’t know of anything I enjoyed in high school

As I ask Ramona to talk about the things in high school that she enjoyed, a very long silence follows as she thinks of something – anything.

TRUANCY

I skipped school a lot

By the time Ramona gets to high school, she develops a pattern of skipping school. When her truancy first starts in middle school, Ramona would either not show up for school because she had run away from the bus stop, or, she would go to school and then at some point in the day she would decide that she wanted to leave. She would tell school personnel to call her mother instead of her father because she knew her mother would let her leave. Eventually, in high school, she just goes to the dean’s office and tells them that she is leaving.

“I skipped a lot. I went to the zoo

a lot - I mean a lot! About ninety

to ninety-five percent of the time

I would go alone but if I could

convince someone to skip, they

would go too. I would go several

times a week, if not during, then

after school, when I started

Ramona’s escape from school is the zoo. Inside the cat house is her favorite place to write in her journal.

driving. I really liked being there. I skipped a lot of chemistry. I’d just get up and leave and go to the zoo. I left so many times, I wonder how much is documented; I would go to the dean’s off ice and say, “ I’m leaving now.”

NEGLECT AT SCHOOL

Nobody ever cared what I did

At some point it seems that even the school personnel did not know how to deal with Ramona’s behavior. Unfortunately, for Ramona, this neglect is too familiar but this time it comes from a place that should know what to do.

“I don’t think anybody ever cared what I did. Nothing I did was ever

reprimanded. I was probably late to school one-third to one-half of my senior

year. I would stop to move a turtle out of the road or to pick up stray dogs. I

always kept a muzzle and leash in my car, and every time I would tell the dean

and she would say, “You know, I have a soft heart for animals too.”

At this point, she reminds me of the time she called me from school and asked me to drive out to her house to check on a stray dog that she had tied outside.

“I named him ‘Forest,’ she reminds me as we reminisce about how I had to go and purchase a new leash to replace the rope she had used.

“I was late a lot. I had a really hard time getting out of bed in the morning, too.

I was always late for English which was my first class. My English teacher was

a really nice lady. And all my high school teachers really liked me. When I

didn’t go to detention or Saturday school, I just didn’t get in trouble and I

should have. I don’t know why.”

It is here that I begin to question the school’s role of negligence.

DENIGRATION

The teachers weren’t fair

In middle school, it isn’t a secret that Ramona is a troubled child. She tells me that the “other kids just know” what’s going on in her life. But it is when the teachers find out, that she is treated differently.

“When I was in the runaway shelter, I was always the one the teachers would

say was causing all the trouble. I never did anything, they just thought I did

because I was the one in the shelter.”

It seems that societal attempts to assist troubled teens can in fact be detrimental to them at times as others pass judgement.

SELF-SATISFACTION

I was just proud that I did it

“I did Science Olympia in senior year. I had some friends on the academic

team, one was the valedictorian – he was really smart. Everyone else on the

academic team was really smart too; they were all honors kids. They needed

help with nature identification and asked me to be part of the competition. I was

flattered that they noticed that I had a lot of interest in that subject. I didn’t

realize that people really noticed me. The kids noticed, it was the kids that

noticed, the teacher didn’t notice. We got first place at the first competition and

then after that we didn’t do as well. At the end of the year, I got a letter for a

jacket and a little scarf thing and all the same medals that they got. But I wasn’t

part of the team. I was just proud that I did it.”

PERCEPTIVENESS

The teachers chose favorites

Ramona has a wealth of experience in reading situations and people. Her internal

Ramona (center) participates in Science Olympia.

literacy skills are very refined by the time she gets to high school. She is not fooled easily and once again is the one that is different than everybody else.

“There were teachers that I liked but no one in particular that I can remember.

The teacher that everybody loved, Mr……., I just didn’t fall into that. He would

teach us something and then later I would watch national geographic and it

would contradict what he said. There was something very fake about him and

I’m not buying it. I know his lifestyle. I know what he does outside of school.”

“Teachers would choose their favorites – I don’t know why – but they just

weren’t good people that they chose. They were the manipulative and negative

kids.”

UNUSUALLY UNUSUAL

Jocks, cheerleaders, dorks, and random kids

As Ramona talks about her high school experience, she is clear about one thing,

“she is unusually unusual” and feels like she doesn’t fit in. She is surprised when she finds out that other people think she is a really good person.

“In my junior year, we went on a field trip to a cave. My teacher had everyone

sit around and one person stands up on a chair randomly and people got to say

stuff about them. Everybody had to go. When it was my turn I got really

nervous. People said really nice things about me and I was balling my eyes out.

This one girl said, ‘You must be the kindest person to stop and save animals all

the time.’ I apologized for thinking she was a bitch. I felt so bad for thinking

that. Even the school president had really nice things to say about me. After, I

was so shocked that someone would think so highly of me. I just didn’t realize

that people really noticed a random kid like me.”

She’s unusually unusual.

ANXIETY

I was pretty psyched at graduation

Ramona learns to be leery of her mother’s behavior when out in public.

Graduation is a big day for her but her mother will also be there. After all of our discussions about truancy, I ask her what motivated her to graduate.

“My mom didn’t finish. No one had graduated on my mom’s side. I didn’t want

to be like my mom.” When graduation day came she reflects, “Craig was there

and my mom came with Dave for my graduation. She was pretty emotional but I

don’t remember her smelling like beer. She might have been stoned though, I

couldn’t really tell.”

DISAPPOINTMENT

I’m disappointed that I’m not in college

Even Ramona realizes her potential is left untapped as she discusses her experiences in college. She knew she could do it and for awhile she is able to hold it together even despite some self-destructive behavior.

“In college I tried and I did well. I wasn’t using. I was excited about being

there. I drank a lot but it never interrupted my school. I had A’s the first

quarter. I got twenty three credit hours and I had a 3.7 GPA. I did well. I never

took less than eighteen credit hours. I’m disappointed that I’m not in school but

I’m not disappointed that I left. Too many bad things happened there.”

UNUSUALLY UNUSUAL

I still didn’t fit in at college

It isn’t a surprise that Ramona still feels a sense of isolation when in college.

She talks about her lack of female friends in college and afterwards on more than one occasion.

“I worked in the bookstore and I could tell the minute someone opened their

mouth if they were a nursing student– they had an attitude like they were better

than everyone. I only had guy friends because there just weren’t a lot of girls in

the natural resource program. The nursing students wouldn’t be caught dead

with the good old boys, the hillbillies. They were stuck up to hell and back.”

NOTHINGNESS

The identity void: nature identity

Ramona tries for many years to relinquish her Nature-Identity. As she exposes more and more of her N-Identity throughout the interviews, she focuses specifically on her relationship with her mother. She remembers questioning her N-Identity even at the age of seven or eight.

“This really can’t be my real mother. I had decided that my mom was a horrible

mother and I was convinced when I was younger, I had myself convinced, that

she had a sister that looked just like her and that she stole me from her. And she

took her sister’s ID and my birth certificate and stuff like that. I decided that no

mother would be this mean or this horrible with their child. There’s no way a

mother could be like this. I decided that she couldn’t be my real mother. I

convinced myself for years that she had kidnapped me.”

“I didn’t like my mom. I didn’t like her at all. She let me down all the time. I

learned early and quickly that she let me down all the time.”

There is no doubt that much of Ramona’s nature identity is wrapped in her relationship with her mother. After all, she is her only full biological relative that she knows. Yet, she has more of a relationship with the man her mother marries that she calls Dad.

Nevertheless, she is frustrated with the family she is born into and has difficulty coming to terms with the woman who is supposed to love her. Her N-Identity is supposed to develop as a result of the family she is born into, but instead, does not flourish. It deteriorates as a result of the trauma that she is exposed to within her N-

Identity. She has no control over this trauma and declares her N- Identity null and void.

“She isn’t looking out for my well being. She’s possessive – ‘this is mine.’ To

this day, even over Christmas and stuff, she says, “I raised my daughter…blah,

blah blah, she takes one hundred percent credit for me, for where I am, and I

think, ‘You haven’t been my mother since I was eight years old. As soon as I

was smart enough to realize how crappy you were at that job I took it from

you.’”

“Now, she calls me about the same time everyday. She calls me at work and I

don’t answer it. I’ll call her back and I always regret calling her back. She

blames Aunt Susie for getting her drunk. It’s upsetting. I’m really aggravated

when I hang up the phone.”

“Then I won’t hear from her, she goes through phases and all of a sudden she

wants to play mom again.”

Yet, Ramona remains tentative when she wants to play mom again.

“After forty years of being a certain way, I don’t really have any expectations

anymore.”

Likewise, Ramona learns to adapt as she deals with the rest of the family too.

“I have a lot more attitude when I’m with my family because they slam me all

the time. I have to stick up for myself. I don’t fit in anymore. If I have to go to

bars or something and I don’t drink with them, suddenly they pick on me a lot

more than they normally would and so my way to fit in is that I run my mouth

with everybody.

I’m not in that scene anymore. I’m not so much a part of that family because I

don’t live in the projects and I don’t live on welfare. So I’m just not part of that

anymore - which is fine with me. So when they have a family outing, I just go for

a couple hours and it is nice just to try to fit in.”

The identity void: affinity and discourse identity

Despite the likelihood of Gee’s (1996) identities being present in Ramona’s life, none seem to have fused as her identity is forming. In addition to rejecting her N-

Identity, she detaches from her Affinity and Discourse-Identities. Without a relationship with her mother as a child, Ramona spends most of her time outside trying to develop her A-Identity and D-Identity. She walks a lot, rides her bike a lot, spends long hours in the library by herself, or goes to her friend’s house because “her mom was never there.” She wanders around her neighborhood, many times coming back after dark

“I didn’t spend a lot of time at home. I was either in the woods out back or I

would ride my bike all over the place and I’d be gone for hours – way after dark.

Ramona spends so much time alone that she knows the woods like the back of her hand.

By seventh grade when she moves to a more rural location, it becomes more difficult to find places to go when she is not at home.

“I really didn’t like leaving the city because there were so many places that I

could go. But when I moved to M……..I had no where to go.”

This move in middle school becomes a critical piece to her mosaic. It ensures that she will spend more time alone and have no trouble creating time and space for isolation.

Because Ramona spends so much time by herself, the only discourse identity she establishes is the one she herself creates. Her isolation allows her to escape the discourse of others and develop her own most unusually unusual identity with her own discourse.

As early as preschool, Ramona is determined to fit in and tries to have an affinity identity even if it means she has to change her clothes.

“One day when I was in

preschool, my mom,

gramma, cousin and me

were out standing on the

corner and we saw this

wedding in the church.

So, Tiffany and I got all

dressed up and went

downstairs and sat in the

wedding.”

The corner where Ramona watches a wedding.

But she quickly realizes that it takes more than a change of clothes to be accepted. By the time she becomes an adult, she is even more aware of social class and establishes her identity on the basis of where she does not fit in.

“Most of the friends I had then are on a completely different path than I am. I

have no desire to rekindle any kind of relationships with them. They’re still in

that whole inner city thing and that’s just not me. I don’t know what path that I

am on but I know what I don’t want to do. I am defined by things that I am not

going to do anymore.”

Thus, like the N- Identity, Ramona declares the A and D-Identities null and void.

The identity void: institutional identity

Likewise, Ramona rejects her Institutional Identity as she feels nonexistent at school or any other institution for that matter. She repeatedly refers to herself as “just a random kid,” - a nobody - at school. There is no anger in her voice, just a quiet complacency of acceptance as she learns to deal with an invisible existence.

There is one recurrent theme as Ramona talks about her N, A, I and D-

Identities.

“I don’t fit in.”

There is a nothingness to her existence with all of her supposed identities declared.

How these fit into her mosaic is still unknown to me. I am unsure how to sketch nothingness.

WISHFUL THINKING

There must be a better place for me to be me

There is a poignancy that settles within me when I see her emptiness represented by a parking lot that now fills the space where a bar once stood – the place Ramona takes me to show me where her mom and (step) dad met. She remembers going to this bar with her dad when she was little and begging him to play her favorite song,

Paradise City, contained within the 1987 Guns n’ Roses album ironically entitled

“Appetite for Destruction”.

“I used to go into the bar with my Dad and ask him to play my favorite song,

‘Take me down to Paradise City’. I loved that song and I asked Dad to play it

every time we were there. I knew all the words.”

A parking lot stands where the bar once stood.

PARADISE CITY Guns n’ Roses Take me down to the paradise city Where the grass is green And the girls are pretty Take me home (Oh, won't you please take me home)

Just an urchin livin' under the street I'm a hard case that's tough to beat I'm your charity case So by me somethin' to eat I'll pay you at another time Take it to the end of the line

Rags to riches Or so they say You gotta Keep pushin' for the fortune and fame You know it's, it's all a gamble When it's just a game You treat it like a capitol crime Everybody' doin' their time

Strapped in the chair of the city's gas chamber Why I'm here, I can't quite remember The surgeon general say's it's hazardous to breathe I'd have another cigarette But I can't see Tell me that you're gonna believe

Captain America's been torn apart Now he's a court jester With a broken heart He said turn me around And take me back to the start I must be losing my mind "Are you blind?!" I've seen it all a million times

I want to go I want to know Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to see Oh, look at me Oh, won't you please take me home

Take me down to the paradise city Where the grass is green And the girls are pretty Take me home (Oh, won't you please take me home)

Take me down to the paradise city Where the grass is green And the girls are pretty Oh, won't you please take me home

Take me down Oh yeah Beat me down Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to see Oh, look at me Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to see Boy, I'm gonna be mean Oh, oh take me home

Take me down to the paradise city Where the grass is green And the girls are pretty Oh, won't you please take me home

I want to go I want to know Oh, won't you please take me hooooooome Baby

Could it be possible that as early as the age of five, Ramona already knows there has to be another place that she would rather be, another place where “the girls are really pretty.” Clearly, there must be a better place where she belongs, a place where she has an identity.

WISHFUL REALITY

There is a better place for me to be me

It is near the completion of our interviews that Ramona shows me a ring that her boyfriend and father of her unborn child has given to her. She is delighted to have this

‘promise ring’ because it says to others that there is a place to fit in.

“I’m not just some girl who got knocked up. Now at least people won’t think

that.”

Again, she refers to her friends she used to hang out with,

“I just can’t see myself hanging out with that crowd where everybody asks,

‘Who’s your baby’s daddy?’”

Reflecting on the friends that she hung out with after school as a teen,

“My one friend got pregnant. We stopped being friends because she never grew

up. She’s still doing the same stuff as when she was sixteen. I heard children’s

services was called when her little boy wasn’t even talking yet. My other friend

hooked up with a guy who is definitely old enough to be her dad. Last time I saw

her she was stripping at R……’s. She’s been with that old guy for like a couple

of years now. I guess she’s happy but that’s just not for me.”

Instead, she identifies with this new place where she finds herself. This is a place to be somebody. Even though this is an identity that she has only known since becoming

pregnant, she relishes in it, reads everything about it and soaks it in like rays of the sun.

She is elated. She is now going to be somebody’s mom.

She takes her new identity seriously and vows to be the best mom that she can be. She researches doctors – both obstetricians and pediatricians, takes prenatal vitamins, avoids drugs and alcohol completely, becomes health food conscious, becomes very thrifty saving money from her paychecks, and encourages her boyfriend to do the same as she moves in with him while emphasizing the importance of his role as a good father. Together, the parenting books she has purchased from the book store become their daily bible. Each week, when I see her, she informs me about the development of the fetus. Each week, she takes pictures of her body from the waist up so she can watch the development. The three of us – Ramona, her boyfriend and I – prepare and paint the baby’s room. Even though she refuses to marry her boyfriend at this point because she “really hasn’t known him for that long,” she holds onto this new identity as they focus together on making this a lifelong, lasting relationship. She excitedly accepts this new identity – it fits, it is comfortable, and now, for the first time in her life, she is empowered by it.

For me, it is refreshing to see her so happy.

Ramona, 8 months pregnant, helps paint animals on the walls in the baby’s room.

Every time we meet she has something exciting to tell me about her pregnancy and her body changes. But, there is a hint a familiarity in her story when she shows up angry and upset one day. She is carrying a large brown shopping bag and she unloads four newspaper wrapped items onto my kitchen counter. Sitting before me is drug paraphernalia. She asks me if she can leave it here; she is so upset I can hardly understand her as she explains that she “snooped around” and found them in her boyfriend’s apartment. We talk for a long time that day as her boyfriend interrupts with many cell phone messages. He promises to give it all up for her but she is too angry to hear him. It isn’t until the next week that I find out her decision on how to deal with him. She knows he is part of her life forever now that she is carrying their baby. So, she puts him on “probation” and informs him that she’ll walk away forever with his baby now that she has proof.

Ramona brings drug paraphernalia to my house to get rid of it.

Chapter Five

The Sketch

The dark pieces

Childhood trauma

Ramona’s early childhood is filled with insecurity, instability and uncertainty as a result of the trauma she is exposed to. By the time she turns twelve years old, she has experienced abandonment, neglect, molestation, violence, impoverishment, drug and alcohol exposure, and physical and emotional abuse. In the midst of this chaos, she learns that adults can not always be trusted. She enters the teen world with emotional wounds that even she can not name although she identifies one as ‘mistrust’.

In fact, it is a dirty street sewer that we happen to come upon on one of our

outings that brings her

to reflect on her

childhood days.

“I used to play in it all

the time. I wish I could

take a picture of the

smell because I

remember it – seeing it

reminded me.”

Seeing this sewer reminds Ramona of her childhood.

During her early teen years, mistrust becomes a firmly cemented dark piece in the mosaic of her life.

“I don’t remember how old I was when I was molested. But I remember I was

still taking gymnastics; I was in middle school when it happened. He was my

mom’s drinking buddy; they were never together unless they were drunk or

stoned. He used to change my diapers when I was little. It wasn’t a stranger. He

had lived with us and later next door to us.”

“My mom dropped me off there – I was supposed to clean his house – he’d pay

me. When she dropped me off she changed her mind and didn’t want me to stay

but I wanted to stay to get money for cleaning. I remember he let me drink

alcohol. I didn’t like the taste of it and so I kept adding coke to it. I fell asleep

on a long chair and woke up because I was falling off of it and he was next to

me. That’s when it started. I pretended I was asleep through all of it; I didn’t

want him to know I was awake because he was so much bigger than me. I kept

my eyes closed. I was so scared so, I laid there with my eyes closed on the couch

and he was there. I was wearing spandex shorts. He would have raped me but

he was too drunk to get them off. When I woke up in the morning, I was still on

the chaise and he was gone. But, I still cleaned! I don’t know why I still cleaned

his house!”

“I cried when I told my cousin, Tiffany, what happened. I wanted to tell her. A

week later, my mom and dad and uncle beat the crap out of him and there was

blood all over my uncle’s shoes. I had to tell that story to so many people over

and over: the counselors, the police. It was horrible to tell over and over again.

I just wanted to forget about it. I wasn’t ready to deal with it.”

“I have thought about going to talk about it now but it’s too late. Now, I’m

ready to talk about it though. Some girls have it way worse than I had it.

Sometimes you think you have it pretty bad but there are people out there who

have it way worse.”

Teen trauma

Even now as an adult, Ramona is unsure if her behavior as a teen was a consequence of this molestation. She doesn’t remember when things started changing.

“I don’t remember when I started taking a turn for the worst. I guess it

was in the 7th grade. I started smoking cigarettes and running away. I ran

away so much; it was a lot better than being at home. I ran away in the

middle of the night and sometimes, while I was waiting for the school bus,

I would just leave. The police were always looking for me; they had a

permanent picture of me. One time when I ran away, the police brought

me back. Then my parents said, ‘If you hate it here that bad, we’ll take you

to a runaway shelter.’ So, I went to my room and thought about it and

came out later and said, ‘I want to go’.”

The next morning they took her to the runaway shelter. Following her time at the runaway shelter, so much happens to Ramona that it can only be described as mass confusion. From the runaway shelter, to a psychiatric hospital, to drug rehab, to the

psychiatric hospital again, to another psychiatric hospital, and to a girl’s home all mesh together with her other high school memories.

“I ran away so much and so much happened, it’s hard for me to define it all individually. One time when I was sixteen, I ran from the girl’s home to

Chicago. Sometimes I’d be gone for a couple days; about one-third of the time I was gone a significant amount of time – about a week, and the longest I was gone was two weeks.

Sometimes I’d go to my friend’s house down the street and stay there. I’d go home to change my clothes and play with my dog when my parents weren’t there. One time I Ramona’s black hard cover journal – cartoon on inside cover.

ran away with a girl I met when I was in the hospital. We both wanted to run away. I took a bus to her and then we took buses to get farther and farther away. We just kept getting on buses. Sometimes the police would pick me up and sometimes I came back home by myself. My parents just got used to it after awhile. When I came home they’d say, ‘Where the hell have you been?’ and I’d answer, ‘None of your business.’”

“I don’t think I cared wheter they cared or not because I knew they didn’t care about

me when I was there. We used to fight and my dad would throw me around so why would I want to stay, besides my dog. My mom was always in and out. She was drugged

up and moving back or drunk and moving back and dad was

always hitting me for some reason. You don’t do that to

your children! Why would I want to stay in a situation like

that? At least I knew I was safe and I wasn’t walking on egg

shells when I ran away.”

“I was pretty unhappy. I was sad. Yeah that’s when I started

Ramona numbs the pain. cutting. My friend got me into that. We were at this truck trailer and she had a piece of glass. I did it constantly - when I was sad, happy, mad. I used a safety pin at first and then the razor blade was easier. I cut my ankles mostly.”

It isn’t until recently that I notice that she has scars around her ankles. It is a hot early summer day and we decide to go to the zoo. I arrive at her home to pick her up.

She meets me out on the raised porch. As I climb the stairs to greet her, I am eye level with her ankles. I see the scars but I say nothing about them. I have never seen them before and the reality of her former pain saddens me. I should have done more to help her. I can not get their image out of my mind. I am jolted into remembering our high

school mentoring sessions when she talked to me about cutting. I am relieved, at the time, to know she is under psychiatric care. Little did I know that her pain would follow her for the next nine years.

In terms of recovery, doctors work with Ramona at two different children’s psychiatric hospitals on four separate stays. Nevertheless, she runs away from the hospital on one occasion and, to this day, speaks negatively about all of her hospital stays, the psychiatrists, and the therapists that try to help her. She says,

“I didn’t have adults to look up to. I hated the therapist there. He was so mean.

Once he said something and I was so mad and I went to my room and started

throwing things.”

“Another one (therapist) was a huge big lady. I hated her, she was mean. She

found pot one time and sent me to rehab. I didn’t need rehab! I smoked a lot of

pot and sampled stuff but I was never into it like that. I did not need to be in

rehab. I got half way through rehab and my parents sent me to another

hospital.”

“The counselors weren’t any better. They either just stared at me and waited for

me to talk or would say things like, ‘I wish I had a magic wand.’ --

She reacts to their ignorance,

“No freaking kidding!”

It is difficult to say whether running away causes additional trauma for Ramona or merely allows her to cope with what is happening in her life. Certainly, running away has the potential for trauma exposure, particularly, a young girl all alone. Yet, the

only indication of additional trauma for Ramona is revealed when she is talking about running away and says,

“So much happened, it’s hard for me to define it all individually.”

I will never know all of it, nor does she need to remember all of it, but one fact seems to stand out; the molestation that occurs during her childhood precedes the beginning of the downward spiral that begins in seventh grade. She recognizes this Ramona uses drugs to numb her pain. contribution to her distrust in men, yet, seems unaware of the impact of prior trauma exposure.

“I have a lot of trust issues,” she says on one of her voice recordings as she converses with herself about a boyfriend.” Nevertheless, I ponder the correlation between running away and further trauma exposure. When Ramona is discharged from the last psychiatric hospital three days before her sixteenth birthday, she is placed in a girl’s home.

“There was no where else to go. My parents didn’t want me. I had to stay at the

hospital a few extra weeks while they (the doctors) decided what to do with

me.”

But even the darkness follows her to the girls’ home.

“I was always the best around the (girl’s) house. I was the best behaved and

had the most amount of points; 98, 99, 100. I was on level four – nobody ever

got there! I always got 72 hour passes and I wouldn’t be able to use them. I

would be the only one at the house because I didn’t have anywhere to go. My

parents weren’t talking to me. Even the worst girls would get 12 hour passes

and would leave. Every weekend I was allowed to leave but I hadn’t left in

months. Mom couldn’t get me, and Dad had walked out of a family session and

didn’t talk to me.”

“I finally got to go one time. My mom came with her brother because she didn’t

have a car. The first thing they did when I got in the car was to light up. They

drank the whole way to get me. I was trying to stay calm and use some of the

tools that they (counselors) had taught me. They had a half a case of beer and

were smoking pot at the house so I left to go to Margie’s (friend) house. Mom

came and she dragged me home

and we were fighting. She hit me,

so I hit her back. I cracked my

head and busted it open. There

was blood everywhere. I have a

two inch scar. I blacked out.

Margie took me to her mom’s work Ramona at the Girls’ Home.

and the girls’ home came to get me and then took me to the hospital.”

Adult trauma: army

It is during out mentoring sessions in her senior year that Ramona and I talk about what happens next after high school. I begin to show her college catalogues and discuss the options of what places she might go and what courses she might take. I begin to see tremendous growth in her attitude toward school and in her resilience to

take care of herself. I am convinced that dorm life will be good for her; a way to make girlfriends, and an opportunity away from the chaos of home. When she expresses financial concern, I work with her and her father to complete financial aid forms. In addition, I suggest some colleges while she takes their brochures home to read. She and

I both agree that one particular school seems to be a good fit. Then, I write her a letter of recommendation for acceptance. Her father is supportive and thinks this school will be good for her as well. They take time together to travel two hours from home to visit the college. For the first time, they agree to work together on something. I am hopeful that things will work out. But then it happens. She gets a rejection letter in the mail from the school. After all her years of rejection, it doesn’t seem to faze her. I, however, am extremely disappointed for her and experience disappointment in myself as I realize that I am the one who caused this rejection by encouraging her. Even so, she easily makes a backup plan and joins the army as I struggle with my stupidity.

The recruiter at school has been visiting her for quite some time now. I am concerned about his visits because he seems to be focusing on the vulnerable students that I have come to know. When Ramona tells me she has joined the army, she is excited and hopeful. Finally, she has found a direction, a way to fit in. But I am fearful for her and wonder how she will be able to survive. I say nothing about my concern – I am much more cautious this time.

Once the recruiter gets to know Ramona, he too realizes that she may not be the best fit. Yet, he encourages her anyway, and tells her to keep her mental health issues quiet or she will not be allowed to go. He quizzes her on the answers she should repeat to the higher ranking officers she will meet next. When asked about drugs, psychiatric

hospitals, group homes, and run away shelters, he advises her to say nothing. In other words, he encourages her to deny many of the realities that she has lived. He believes it will take too long to follow up on all these records in order to prove that she is fit to serve our country.

Ramona receives her orders and is due to leave for boot camp the summer after graduation. She is so excited that she finally has a plan that is working. Her family is elated too. I say goodbye to her the day before she leaves, handing her note-cards and stamps, and I tell her to write. Six months later, I find out that Ramona is rejected by superior officers when she answers the intake questions honestly. She is devastated by this rejection and must return home.

“The recruiter told me to lie. He told me to fill out the forms and just lie about

drugs, just lie about hospitals. I felt so bad about lying. This high ranking

officer was so nice and I told the truth. The recruiter had to come get me and

take me back home. If I didn’t tell the truth, my whole life would have been

ruined. I could have gotten a dishonorable discharge if I continued to lie about

everything. When the recruiter took me back home, he was so mad at me; we

had to ride in the car together for two hours. Gramma and Dad were so mad at

me. I told the truth and everyone was mad at me. I threw my suitcase down and

ran down the street. They sided with the recruiter! I know I’m right!! I did the

right thing! I couldn’t believe this. I had no where to go.”

It takes Ramona longer to rebound from rejection this time. She has spent months preparing for the army and has said goodbye to everyone she knows. She isolates herself first at her gramma’s house and then her boyfriend’s house while she

tries to gain strength enough to tell everyone that she is back. She calls me about six months later.

Adult trauma: college

Eventually, Ramona decides to try college again. She finds a college that has few requirements for admission. It has an associate program in natural resources. She and her boyfriend leave for college together and she has a successful first semester. She goes back to school for winter and spring and trauma goes with her again.

“My car was stolen. I was assaulted. Then my dog got shot,” are the three ways she describes college. When I press her to tell me more, she focuses on what hurt the most – the trauma that broke her into little pieces and made it impossible to go forward with life.

“I couldn’t do anything. I was barefoot, there was blood all over and they just

shot my dog. You don’t just maim an animal and leave. My dog was barking

and someone complained – the neighbor complained. Two police officers came

and I was sitting on the steps. They were shouting at me. I went to grab him (my

dog) by his collar and I pulled it (the collar) right off and they just shot him. He

didn’t lunge, he didn’t bare his teeth! They left immediately; it’s just not right. I

had to take him to the vet and then later give my statement to the police. It took

most of my money to get him fixed. I didn’t have a car so my friend had to take

me to the vet. The bullet went through his ear and down his arm. I got a lawyer

but he was so expensive – he didn’t do anything – I just couldn’t fight them.

After that, he (my dog) was never the same.”

“I could have been the one shot! I felt the spark from the gun. I ran in the

house. I didn’t want to look. I ran in the house screaming like crazy. My

roommate was the only one home. The house looked like a horror scene from a

movie. There was blood everywhere – there were trails of blood all over the

place.”

After it was all over, Ramona chooses a familiar route.

“I drank a whole lot and I passed out on a bench on my way to the third bar

that night. The people who called the police to complain have four or five dogs

that bark all the time and came and apologized. It was in the newspaper and

everything. It was pretty horrible.”

When I question her about her dog, she

says,

“He’s with an

old friend of

mine now, but, I

should have

Ramona’s dog. been able to

take care of him. It got to the point

that I couldn’t trust him. He was

different after that. At that point I just

didn’t want to be there anymore. I just

wanted to go home. It was the last week Ramona numbs the pain with alcohol.

of the quarter. I took finals early and left. I failed a class because this one

teacher wouldn’t let me take the final early. After that, I just left. I came back

home and never went back.”

As I discuss this trauma with Ramona, I notice she is different this time. She is animated. She is emotional. She is clearly defeated. It is the first time she uses the word trauma with me.

“It was by far the most traumatic thing to happen to me. I drank a whole lot. I

could pretty much count on my parents being assholes. I never really had any

regrets until that point - even being molested. I liked who I was. My dog being

shot is the one thing I would change. My biggest regret is that I couldn’t take

care of him when I needed to. I should

have been able to take care of him, I

should have done something more. I

should have at least tried – given him

a fenced yard. I didn’t have control

over the other traumatic events. All of

them have changed me but this is the

only one I would change because I

hate myself because of my choices.”

“I took my dog everywhere. He was

95% human and 5% dog. I miss him

though. I cried a lot. It’s been a year

and a half since then but it seems a Ramona numbs the pain with alcohol.

lot longer. I should have done something different. I knew his collar was too

big. We had just had a birthday party for him. We made a huge banner and I

worked on it for five hours. I made a cake. We passed out flyers. People brought

gifts. His new collar was really cool made out of hemp by one of the guys. I kept

that collar for a long time but then someone stole it out of my car.”

It may be that only I can understand how this trauma may be considered the most devastating by

Ramona. I have witnessed the way she loves her animals. I have talked to her often as she refers to her dogs as ‘the girls’. Ramona’s dog is her best friend.

Her dogs are her family – the only family that she is known to trust. It is then that she describes the other college trauma that preceded the loss of her dog.

“I started dating this guy. He was a coke dealer. I was at this party and I

walked into the bathroom and two guys were doing it (coke) on the back of the

toilet. Then, I was invited up to the bedroom. I remember sitting in this bedroom

at this party and they were all looking at me, so I did it – it was like a secret

club. I had one month of that. I missed a couple days of classes to recover each

time and I realized that’s not what I want to do. It depressed me. ”

“Then I was at a bar one time. I don’t really remember much. I took a shot. I

didn’t buy it. I don’t know where it came from. The next thing I know is that I

woke up the next morning in bed next to a stranger. I didn’t know where I was!

My shirt was ripped. I found my shirt. I found my way back to my friend Mark’s

house. I don’t remember what happened. I don’t want to know. I kept that shirt

for a really long time and I finally cut it up. I don’t know why I kept it. I had my

gramma fix it but lied about how it got ripped. I was mostly afraid he was going

to wake up while I was trying to get out of there.”

After that, we never even discuss her car being stolen. After all, in the big scheme of things, this is minimal trauma to Ramona. All she knows is that,

“Too many bad things happened at college and I just couldn’t stay.”

The mortar

In a life filled with such trauma, some semblance of order is created by Ramona as she relies on her literacy skills. Her writing becomes the grout in her mosaic to help her to deal with the variety of emotions she feels as a result of her trauma.. While her writing helps her sort and express these feelings, her reading helps her fill her time, address her discomfort, and answer questions about issues. Her journaling begins as a simple tool to help her remember things, but with repeated practice, develops, layer by layer, into a mortar that helps her Below: entry in Ramona’s middle school journal.

hold her trauma and try to maintain her sanity. Likewise, her love for reading begins simply with her independent trips to the library as she adds strength to the layers of mortar.

Writing

As a very young child, Ramona uses her literacy skills learned in school to help her describe and remember her world. She remembers having to write in a journal as early as first grade. In addition, many other artifacts she shares with me contain other early writing pieces. She continues this type of journaling during school through her elementary years.

Ramona’s first grade writing.

Once in the upper grades, her external literacy skills become emotionally expressive as she attempts to make sense of her world. She no longer journals as a requirement in school as she did in elementary school, but instead, makes use of her alone time at home during her middle, high school, and college years to write poetry and pages and pages of private thoughts.

Inside cover of Ramona’s middle school journal.

In addition, she learns the psychological value of journaling while living in the girls’ home through repetitive practice as a requirement. During one particular interview, I ask Ramona what initially triggers her journaling and she replies,

“I know I started journaling because I would talk to my grandmother and ask her questions about things about my dad and my mom and she couldn’t remember anything – she could never remember - maybe because she was drunk or because she drank so much. I decided that when I got old, I didn’t want to forget. So for a long time, I would A page from Ramona’s journal. journal every day, from the beginning of the day to the end of the day, exactly what I did because I didn’t want to forget. It wasn’t like ‘a boy asked me out or I’m really sad today,’ it was ‘I’m journaling today because I don’t want to forget’ like my gramma

did. After doing that for awhile it just kind of transitioned into the lengthier journals like the ones I gave to you.”

In middle school, Ramona’s life becomes so confusing to her that she uses her journaling as a tool to communicate her feelings. Her journal becomes her friend, often being the only place she can express her true feelings. This form of journaling is completed mostly after school, in the late evening before she succumbs to sleep.

Ramona uses what she has learned in school: use a regular spiral notebook, and always date journal entries. But she decides to include another component by adding a beginning and ending time to her writing. When I ask her about this practice during an interview, she giggles and says,

“Yeah, I was really anal then.”

It is not uncommon for Ramona to delay sleep and write in her journal at 11:00 p.m., 12:00 a.m. or 1:00 a.m. Her latest entry ends at 2:04 a.m.; her earliest entry begins at 7:45 a.m. Additionally, she formally closes and signs all her entries in middle school. Her closings include:

Love, Ramona Lawton

Always and Forever, Ramona

Always and Forever, Ramona Lawton

Ramona Catherine Hugh Lawton and never Jones

Ramona Lawton

Always and Forever, Toni Marie Zamtossi

When I ask her about the name Jones, she tells me,

“Jones is the last name of one of mom’s old boyfriends. She left Dad to go back

to him and then she cheated on him with my dad. He’s a nice guy, just really

dumb. I didn’t like him then but now I do. I really didn’t want her to marry

him.”

I then ask her about Toni Marie Zamtossi,

“When I was in middle school, when my friend Ashley and I went out, we

decided to tell people we met that we were somebody else. I was Toni Marie

Zamtossi; I just made up the name and she was Tara Natasha. We would meet

guys and we would tell them we were sisters and we would make up our parents

and things about them. I don’t know why we did stupid stuff like that – we just

thought it was fun to be somebody else.”

Inside cover of another one of Ramona’s middle school journals.

During high school, she adds to her written journal by doing voice journaling.

Perhaps her life gets too busy to have the time to write or perhaps her problems are too

great to be concrete enough to articulate in writing. Like her written journals, her voice journaling begins with a date and time. She speaks to her recorder as if she is talking to a friend, yet the friend never talks back. She rambles on with uninterrupted lengthy soliloquies as she carries her mini voice recorder with her wherever she goes. She converses about the day’s events or issues that confront her. These soliloquies take place as she is driving in her car, taking a break at work, leaving work, or waiting to meet friends. Often, she is upset, incredulous, angry, and frustrated. Her heated soliloquies are two hours in length on each side. She gives me four of them to listen to while a fifth recording is broken. She is unsure how many others there are because she can not find them all.

While some of the contents of the voice recordings deals with problems at home with her parents, much of the content is of a sexual nature and deals with dilemmas relating to boys in her life. One such recording begins,

“It’s October 22 and I haven’t journaled in a long time particularly on the

tape recorder. I have a lot of trust issues and I know that. I have a hard

time trusting Mark – not because he’s done anything. ….. ”

Another begins,

“It’s November 6 and I could talk about all the things that happened and I

probably will but right now I’m going to talk about what happened last night.

Ramona’s love crisis sticker in her journal.

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Reading

Likewise, Ramona relies on the library as a very young child as she uses her reading skills to help her clarify anything confusing to her. It is a safe place she frequents when she needs to get out of the house in second, third, and fourth grade.

Alone, she spends long periods of time there to escape her reality.

“When I lived in the city, I needed to get out of the house, so I would go to the library

a lot. I remember checking out fifty books at a time because that was the most

you were allowed to check out on a card. I either carried them all home in my

backpack or I just carried them. I read them all before they were due. Granted,

I was a little kid and they were little books but

I remember I read them all. I read all the R.L.

Stines’s books, all the series books – I loved

them. Then, I remember at school, we had to

take a test on the computer that placed you on

certain reading levels. When we would go to

the library at school, the books had colored

stickers for levels and, depending on the level

you were on, you got to pick from certain

colors. I did really well. That’s when I got

into series books it was the third book - and

then I read the whole series.”

“I spent a long time in the library each time. I remember the entire layout of the library. There were Ramona’s path to the library.

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two doors there (at the entrance) and they’re really heavy! All the kids’ stuff was upstairs and there was a stage – I loved it because usually I was the only one there. I guess I was there a really long time because sometimes I would read several books while I was there. I would go up on the stage and look at stuff and nobody ever

bothered me when I

was there. Downstairs

and to the left was

where all the

parenting books were,

so I spent a lot of time

there too. I tried

reading self help

books but they were

too complicated and I

didn’t understand

them. This was in

elementary school –

about second grade.

There was this one

parenting book that I

read for a really long

time. It was about

The library that Ramona frequented.

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how to talk to your kids – every chapter a different subject, this is what you

should say to your kids. It would have little pictures like Santa Clause and the

part where he’s not real and like talking to your kids about sex and talking to

your kids about condoms. Maybe that’s where I learned what huffing was and a

lot of drug stuff. I remember I would read about a lot of that stuff and I just

don’t remember being shocked. I don’t remember ever talking about it either.

But later, I did ask my mom about Santa and she gave me some bull crap

answer about he’s in your heart.”

It is during this interview that Ramona reminisces about reading to her Gramma when she was in the hospital sick.

“I held her hand when my Gramma died. I used to go visit her and I read her

Chicken Soup for the Soul. When I was there the last time, I left the room to get

a sandwich and nobody told me they were going to unplug the machines. When

I got back I went in and held her hand and all I remember is that everyone was

crying, Uncle John, Aunt Mandy, Tiffany, maybe mom – I can’t remember if she

was there. But that’s all I remember and it wasn’t that long ago. I only

remember a part of what happened. I think I just blocked the whole thing out. I

don’t know why I don’t remember more but I should. She was such a significant

part of my life. I spent so much time with her and really loved her. I should

remember more.”

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The colorful pieces

Schooling: Kindergarten to 6th grade

Overall, Ramona has a great elementary experience. She is never in trouble in elementary school and really likes school. Even in kindergarten, it never really bothers her that she is made to write with her right hand. She says it upset her mom more than it did her.

She likes learning and she likes school until about the seventh grade. “It starts getting bad in seventh,” as she moves to a more rural location and doesn’t have the woods to go to. She feels more isolated in this new location. From the age of eleven until the age of sixteen, Ramona is very aware of the chronic state of trauma that she continually experiences. Ramona gets BEST student of the month.

The Girls’ Home

By the time she turns sixteen, so much has happened that isolation has swallowed her whole and darkness settles over her. It seems there is no hope. She enters the girls’ home in November of her junior year and stays until May of junior year of high school.

“At the girl’s home I started to trust. This one person cared. I really felt safe

with them and they really cared. I guess that’s what I needed. I was really lucky.

By the time I was sixteen, I was starting to come out of it.”

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“The woman that I hated became pretty significant in my healing. She and I just

clicked. She loved horses and would bring in pictures of her horses. She was so

mean because she cared.”

And so a hint of Ramona’s healing begins. As I sit here and write about the colorful pieces, I am presently stunned that all I have to write is one page – one whole page about the good in her life from birth to the age of twenty-two. How can that be?

Surely there must be more good things in her life. Sitting before me is such a bright, engaging young woman.

Ramona loves the cats at the girls’ home.

Ramona feels triumphant with the warmth, safety, and love at the Girls’ Home.

External Literacy Learning

Undoubtedly, reading is associated with many traumatic incidents in Ramona’s life. Yet, it is also now viewed as a pleasurable experience she relies on when she is

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bored at work. Recently, Ramona recommends that I read,

“A really good book, Marley and Me,” about a guy and his dog.”

She has just finished reading it and absolutely loves it.

“In the end the dog dies. It was really sad. I cried my eyes out,” she ironically explains. Clearly, Ramona’s external literacy skills firmly cement both the colored and dark pieces of her mosaic.

“I really like studying things. When I was in college, I knew all my trees

from my dendrology class. I learned about bird calls. I was one of the best

in the class. I bought books on it and CD’s and now I love it. I do it just for

recreation.”

She also details how, while in high school, she utilizes her computer as she frequents both vegan and animal rights’ chat rooms to learn more about each. Her reading habits are a useful resource for her in all aspects of her life.

“My gramma has every book ever written

on the balance of life and stuff like that. I

borrow them and read them.”

Not surprisingly, the bookstore is the first place

Ramona goes when she finds out she is pregnant.

“I was just a mess. I didn’t know who to tell.

Ramona’s book shelf is filled with bird, mammal, and nature books.

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I started going through my phone. So, I went through my phone and there were

three people I thought about calling – one was my Dad, one was Tiffany and

one was you. I knew that Tiffany would blab – she can’t keep her mouth shut

and I didn’t know how you felt about it, so, I called my Dad. I thought he’d be

against it, but, I knew at least he’d be understanding about how this could

happen. So I called Dad and said, ‘I have to talk to you.’ I was just a mess.

After I told him he said, ‘Don’t you look at this as a blessing?’”

“I knew I couldn’t have an abortion. I just couldn’t do that. I’m not carrying a

child for nine months and then give it away and I’m not going to kill it.”

After that, I had several hours before he (the father) got off work, so I went to

the bookstore and started reading up on the first trimester.

I ask her how she decides what books to choose.

“I read three books while I was there, just the sections about the first trimester,

mostly the first month pregnancy part. I chose one because it was very thorough

sounding, something like Everything You Need To Know, another was a book

about self pampering, it was called Taking Care of Yourself or Nurturing Self

or something like that – that one sounded nice. The smaller book was about

each day and showed a picture of the fetus. Right now I’m just a blob of cells. I

can’t wait to start seeing the features.”

In comparison, her writing skills have a strong affiliation with trauma. Poetry becomes her emotional outlet during her preteen and early teen years as she composes poems for herself as her life turns darker. When I ask her to share her poetry journals with me from those years she says,

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“A couple years ago, I went through my old journals – I had a lot of them - and

they were so sad. I couldn’t believe that I had written that stuff. The poetry was

really good but it brings back memories I really don’t want to bring back up.

So, I threw all those journals away. I really don’t need to remember that stuff

anymore. I have moved past all that.”

Nevertheless, Ramona does prove to me that her writing skills are an integral part of her trauma and her healing as I read the five journals that she has given me.

Ramona also proves to me that writing is such an integral part of her life as she talks about logging her life the way a researcher logs for documentation. She is incredibly fastidious in this regard. Clearly, I should learn from her habits as I consider the chaos of my notes in front of me here. Writing is the mortar of her mosaic that brings stability

to the pieces of her life. It helps her keep order in

the midst of disorder.

“I first used a Purina calendar in middle school

and kept track of when I missed school. I missed at

least one day a week. Then I started freshman year

with a day planner. In high school, I would write

down when I got high or drunk and when I didn’t

go to school. Now, I write everything down in my

day planner, doctor appointments, out to lunch,

things like that.”

Ramona’s calendar.

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Bits and pieces of Ramona’s calendar.

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Internal Literacy learning

Like her external literacy skills, I consider how trauma influences her internal literacy skills. Experience is her teacher here. No doubt, her interpretation of her world and her life is closely tied to her trauma exposure.

“I just know things through experience. I’ve had a lot of lessons and I paid

attention to the lessons. I didn’t go boo-hoo about an experience. I analyze

things a lot. I think that helped a lot. Almost every interaction is a lesson,

something to be learned from everything.”

Thus, I begin to categorize her experiences in relation to what each teaches her about life.

Relationship with parents

Despite the violent relationship she has with her Dad when growing up, Ramona has come to learn acceptance for things she cannot change.

“My Dad and I are just two people who can’t live together. We push each

other’s buttons. When I wasn’t living there anymore, when I was eighteen, we

were able to have some sort of relationship that wasn’t violent or anything like

that.”

“He means well, but that doesn’t mean his actions are any different. Like now,

he’s a completely different father figure. We used to get in horrible fights – God

awful fights. Now, he just doesn’t do that any more. One of the last times I

remember him being mean to us was when I stuck up for my little brother and

he was yelling at him for something stupid – my little brother was only six.”

In contrast, when Ramona has to go to court after she is assaulted by her mother, she

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feels empathy.

“I hadn’t talked to my mom or dad in several weeks after my mom hit me when I

was in the girl’s home. I had to go to court. I was really nervous and I saw mom

walking down the hallway and I felt sorry for her. I could tell that she was

scared. The way she was dressed – she didn’t have much money. I’m not

sympathetic towards her. She makes her own decisions but it’s very sad that she

makes the decisions that she does.”

Recently, when mom needs money, she calls Dad to ask him for a hundred dollars.

Ramona tells her not to ask Dad for money again.

“I’ll buy you tampons or the basics. I won’t give you the money, but if

you need groceries, I’ll buy them for you even if it costs seventy-five dollars or

whatever.”

“It’s my mom ya know – if I couldn’t buy something, I’d want someone to do it

for me. I’d really appreciate.”

“After 40 years, I don’t really have any expectations.”

Consequently, Ramona learns compassion, empathy, care and acceptance from the experiences given to her by two people that hurt her tremendously.

Relationship with boys/men

Because of their greater size and weight, Ramona learns that men frequently have power, which is not the same thing as strength. When telling me about an argument that she has with her boyfriend she says,

“He stood in front of the door. I hate when guys do that. That’s not fair –

controlling the conversation by blocking me.”

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But deep inside, she knows she has suffered through enough battles to be the stronger one. She learns to rely on only herself.

“I’ll just do it all myself. At least I know it’ll get done.”

Likewise, Ramona learns to distrust men based on both what they say and what they do.

“I might listen to him, but I’m not going to believe him.”

“They apologize because they’ve been caught – not because they mean it.”

“So many guys have been mean to me.”

“What matters is that he lied to me.”

“It’s hard for me to trust people. I’m not a team player. If I let myself down, I’m

the only one let down. I’m the only one I have to rely on. It’s a lot easier and a

lot safer.”

So, from Ramona’s world of men, she learns how to hurt and what it is like to be a victim. While she learns not to believe the things men say, she learns independence.

The only way to feel safe is to rely on herself and no one else.

Trauma related men in Age Probable trauma Ramona's life biologic dad birth Abandonment Bill/mom's boyfriend 4 violence/fights with mom babysitter boy 4 sexual abuse/molestation Dave/mom's boyfriend 5 physical abuse/beatings with belt buckle Craig/step dad 6 to 17 physical abuse/thrown around George/mom's drinking 11 sexual abuse/molestation friend early boyfriend 12 sexual abuse/rape bar guy/college 18 drugged/violence/ripped blouse/rape police officer 19 violence/shot dog

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“My biggest regret is not having relationships, a group of high school

girlfriends. Making friends wasn’t a big priority. I moved around so much. I

was fine on my own.”

Drugs

Exposure to drug and alcohol abuse of others at a young age teaches Ramona that drugs and/or alcohol may help her when she cannot tolerate her pain. Yet, after some of her own very painful experiences with it, she learns that neither drugs, nor alcohol, are going to be a part of her life.

“I have never had anyone quit when they said they would. Many have said: I

will quit for you. Everyone I know chooses pot over me. I hate weed. My entire

life I’ve been in this battle with it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I’d like to

smash it on his door (referring to drug paraphernalia) but that’s childish so

maybe I’ll just throw it away.”

Institutions

Ramona’s experiences within institutions teach her that the ‘experts’ in the field are often not the ones holding the key to recovery.

“I was young and a lot of stuff happened all at once. I was in tons of homes and

hospitals and it didn’t do me any good until I wanted to change. Each time I

went home, things got bad again. At this point, I wanted help and I didn’t know

how to help myself. All I knew was that I was tired of the same routine. I chose

to change. I think a lot of it had to do with the staff though. I hated this one

psychiatrist and I would go to sessions and I just sat there. I wouldn’t talk. And

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he just sat there staring at me and the hour would be up and then I would go

back to my room. I hated him.”

Yet, it is when we go through her artifacts, a big smile appears on her face as she looks at the cards from the counselors in the girls’ home.

“They really cared. That’s when I started to get better.”

Thus, Ramona learns the key to good health, lies not in the hands of psychiatrists, therapists, or counselors, but instead, within herself. Nevertheless, these experiences teach her a most crucial internal literacy skill,

“I know how to read people.”

Because of her exposure to many different types of ‘experts’, she is very adept at reading people. She learns the difference between really caring for someone and caring because it’s their job to care. More importantly, though, while at the girls’ home, she learns that it feels good to have someone really care about her.

Police

Ramona learns to respect and be respectful of the police. When she is young she relies on them for help.

“One time when I ran away and got picked up by the police, I told them to call

my mom instead of my dad, “at least she won’t hit me”.

When the police take Ramona home, they notice her mother, ‘reeked of alcohol and was belligerent’. As the officer is ready to leave, he hands Ramona his card and says,

‘If you need any help just call me.’ Much later, she uses his card and calls him for help.

When she is older, she treats them with the same respect. When an officer shows up at her mom’s house, she is surprised but calmly replies,

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“Sir, my mom’s been drinking. I came here right after work to get her things. No

one’s been yelling. There’s not been any dispute. Everything has been perfectly

fine. There’s no reason for you to be called.”

Yet, she knows the officer is there for her safety as she helps her mother move from an abusive boyfriend’s apartment.

Self

“I really underestimated myself.

I thought a lot of people were

better than me and now I know

that isn’t true. I learned it’s ok to

be myself. I didn’t follow a lot of

fads. It’s ok to do my own thing.

Ramona uses her internal literacy skills hiking in the woods.

It’s ok. I’ve also learned I’ve been the only one I can count on. I know I can

take care of myself because I have. Whenever a bad situation comes up, I know

I’ve been in worse situations. Everything is going to be ok.”

So, Ramona learns independence and self-acceptance from her lifetime of confusion, frustration and disappointment in others.

Motherhood

When Ramona first finds out she is pregnancy, she panics and doesn’t know what to do.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve never wanted kids. I was pretty good

about my pill. I’m pretty selfish and there’s a lot of things I want to do.”

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But then, the reality of her pregnancy embraces her with a happiness that she is unfamiliar with. When Ramona decides to tell her friends that she is pregnant, she calls them one by one – Nate, Johnny, Mark and Robbie - to get their reaction. They say things like, ‘You are so devoted to things. You are going to be a great mother, an awesome mom.’ She starts to cry as she tells me this.

“I think I’ll be a cool mom. It’s nice to know that some people do think that I

can do this. Whenever I imagined myself pregnant, I always imagined it me and

the baby, just the two of us. I know I am going to be ok. I know I am going to be

a great mom. I’m so happy. I never imagined I’d be happy about it. I surprised

myself. I think I’ll do all right. I know exactly what not to do, basically,

everything my mother did.

But on the subject of marriage, she remains tentative.

“There are two things I never wanted to do and I still have control over one of

them, maybe in a couple of years. I have to wait and see how it goes.”

“I spent twenty-two years having people, who I thought I could rely on, not be

reliable.”

So, Ramona learns that there are some controls in life, but also that life sometimes does hold treasures. She gains confidence in herself with each developing week of pregnancy. She sees motherhood as a chance for a new beginning as she talks excitedly about the development of her baby. From reading her pregnancy books, she knows exactly what is going on within her own body and documents her belly growth weekly with photos from neck to hips. She keeps me updated on the developing fetus with each passing week.

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“It’s about the size of a peanut.”

“This week the ears are developing.”

“Its fingers are starting to be more defined”

“Its starting to have hiccups and move around.”

I can not describe the feeling I have as I see the determination and excitement in both her and her boyfriend as they plan for their baby, take parenting classes, and embrace a new healthy lifestyle.

Ramona’s baby, a few minutes after birth, is the same size as Mr. Bear.

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Trauma

As I analyze the data from Ramona, it occurs to me that she mentions a form of the word ‘trauma’ only once during our entire time together.

“It was by far the most traumatic thing to happen to me,” are the words she chooses when she describes the horror of watching her dog being shot by the police. Although I now know there are other inalterable and indelible dark pieces to her mosaic, it is her perception that makes this piece the darkest. Perception, then, becomes a critical component when considering the impact of trauma, for it is in how an incident is perceived, that gives it darkness (Perry, 1993). As I complete this phase of my research, I consider asking Ramona to rank her trauma from maximum to minimum pain to determine her perception of its impact. But then, I decide against it because I am concerned about the ramifications of overexposure (Jacobs, 2003; Steele,

2002). Instead, I decide to categorize all the inalterable and indelible pieces of her life as ‘probable trauma’ based on the persistent debilitating symptoms she exhibits that are directly linked to trauma. Her symptoms closely align with the symptoms displayed by those suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of exposure to combat.

These include a general feeling of numbness, disbelief, avoidance, increased arousal, hyper-vigilance, sleep difficulties, increase startle response, anxiety, hyper-reactivity, and irritability (Wolpow, 1998; Dobbs and Wilson, 1960; Horowitz et al., 1980).

As adults are exposed to war related trauma, children are exposed to the ‘battles of childhood’ (Perry, 1993; Wolpow, 1998). Because there has been little research done on the impact of childhood trauma, what we know is based on adult trauma. It is clear to me, though, that Ramona has been through many childhood battles and displays

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similar war related symptoms of adults. Her known battle exposure includes physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment, impoverishment, violence, repetitive moving, divorce, and witness to alcohol and drug abuse. This exposure results in massive chaos during her teenage years. In her early years, she describes crying, anger, and tantrums. Her school related problems include tardiness, low motivation, low performance, and truancy. As her downward spiral continues, she tries a variety of ways to cope with her pain. Her rebellious behavior includes repetitive running away, drug and alcohol abuse, self-mutilation, suicidal thoughts, promiscuous sexual activity (documented on her voice journals that I have decided not to include as part of this particular research) and obsessive-compulsive behaviors, particularly her eating disorders. Without a doubt, it is an understatement to say that Ramona is having difficulty coping with her trauma exposure. With each presenting symptom she is screaming for help because her pain is too much for her to handle. And so, because she is not equipped to deal with such pain, she is forced to choose destructive ways to let others know how dark these pieces to her mosaic really are. Unfortunately, her choices almost always cause additional trauma exposure adding more dark pieces to the sketch.

As I consider all that Ramona has shared with me, I know I am so very fortunate to be privy to parts of what she is thinking and feeling, as well as her perceptions about these thoughts and feelings in response to her traumatic events. One thing I know for sure; she is not alone with her problem. “Each year in the United

States at least 4 million children are traumatized….” (Perry, 1993). Despite this fact, little research has been done on childhood Post-traumatic Stress Disorder and its impact on the development of the functions within the brain (1993). Some work has been done,

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however, on the stress response of children. Generally, when a child feels stress, it is experienced as “fear, threat, unpredictability, frustration, chaos, hunger and pain, and therefore, the traumatized child’s template for brain organization is the stress response”

(1993). What is known is that stress can alter the entire region of the central nervous system and significantly change gene expression (1993). As this type of neurotransmitter activity is happening in the brain, sensation, perception, and information processing can be affected. This, in turn, causes “permanent or structural changes which are associated with sensitization, learning, memory and, in the developing brain, differentiation” (Kandel and Schwartrz, 1982; Goelet and Kandal,

1986; as noted in Perry, 1993). Thus, trauma in the developing brain of a child has the potential to alter the child’s functions and capabilities directly related to both external and internal literacy skills.

In addition, the “intrauterine environment is not necessarily protective” at all costs (Perry, 1993). As the brain develops before birth and continues into adolescence and adulthood, “it remains vulnerable to the abnormal patterns of neurotransmitter and hormone activity associated with traumatic stress….with potential impact on all aspects of emotional, cognitive and behavioral functioning” (1993).

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Age of Ramona’s Exposure Probable Trauma Defensive Reaction

Intrauterine mother stabbed in stomach unknown

3 to 4 abandoned in Gramma’s stairwell sleep

3 to 5 mother sleeping late & neglect play alone make cage out of crib bars preschool and sexual abuse at babysitter’s run away and hide, on eventual memory loss preschool to 6 violence exposure; physical abuse play outside as much as possible

6 or 7 worst spanking of life; play outside, bike alone, explore woods alone, physical abuse go to the library alone

5 to 12 frequent moving from house to house, friends few to none, isolate self, memory loss school to school

12 molestation; pretend sleep sexual abuse

12 rape; drug and alcohol use; memory loss sexual abuse

18 army rejection run away

19 witness the shooting of her dog hysteria; run into apartment

extended impoverishment theft, memory loss

extended physical and emotional abuse fight with parents; run away; memory loss

extended witness to violence; run away witness to drug and alcohol drug and alcohol use; memory loss

Her repeat and collective exposure reactions include: crying, anger, tantrums, tardiness, low motivation, low performance, truancy, repetitive running away, drug and alcohol abuse, self-mutilation, suicidal thoughts, promiscuous sexual activity and obsessive compulsive behaviors, particularly eating disorders.

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Indeed, it is difficult to understand the complete impact of stress within each individual because of the complicated and intricate functions of the human brain.

Nonetheless, there is a “mirroring quality” to the way the brain perceives information and the way the body acts it out (Perry, 1993). “If a child is raised in an unpredictable, chaotic, violent environment, he or she is highly adaptive to have a hyper-vigilant, hyper-reactive arousal system; if primary relationships are characterized by violence, neglect and unreliability, intimacy becomes maladaptive; if a young child is frequently assaulted, it becomes adaptive to ‘over interpret’ non-verbal cues, to quickly act on impulses and to strike out before being struck…. Their brains develop as if the entire world is chaotic, unpredictable, violent, frightening and devoid of nurturance - and unfortunately, for the most part, the systems that our society has developed to ‘help’ these children often continue to fill their lives with neglect, unpredictability, fear, chaos and most disturbing, more violence” (Perry, 1993).

Clearly, the impact of Ramona’s stress closely parallels all of the above.

In addition, it is significant that the way she deals with her trauma remains constant throughout. She leaves when other tactics don’t seem to help. As a small child, she has no choice but to retreat and deal with her trauma alone:

• When she is left at her grandmother’s and there is no one to let her in, she sleeps

alone in the hallway.

• When her mother sleeps late, she plays alone in the cage that she makes with the

bars of her baby sister’s crib.

• When she doesn’t want to go to the babysitter’s, she retreats and hides behind

her toy box until the police come and find her.

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• When she gets ‘spanked’ with a belt by her mother’s boyfriend, Dave, she

retreats to the outside to play by herself.

• When she ‘hates’ being in the house with her mother and her new stepfather

because he gives her the ‘worst spanking of her life’ among others, she retreats

to the outside frequently to be alone by herself.

• She rides her bike alone, goes into the woods alone, walks to the library alone,

and spends hours in the library alone.

• When her mother makes her share her new toy at her birthday party, she escapes

alone into the woods and does not come back until all her birthday cake is eaten.

• When she moves around so much, from house to house, and school to school,

she makes few friends because, as she put it, “I was fine on my own,” alone.

During her middle and high school years, her preferred mechanism for dealing with trauma is consistent with her early years – get away, retreat, be alone, isolate. In high school, she chooses rebellion in the way of tardiness, truancy, and leaving school when she doesn’t feel like being there anymore. Repetitive running away, leaving, retreating, and being alone continue to stand out as her preferred way to deal with trauma. After she is molested at the age of 11 or 12, her trauma reaction exacerbates. It is not surprising that when her parents offer to take her to a runaway shelter, she wants to go.

• When she is rejected from the army and ‘everyone is mad’ at her when she

returns, she throws her suitcase down, retreats and runs down the street.

• When she watches in horror as her dog gets shot, she retreats to the house

and relies on her roommate to handle the situation.

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It is this trauma combined with the trauma of rape after drinking ‘a shot’ from someone unknown in a bar that causes her to retreat and leave college for home. She drops out and never goes back. Thus, she chooses to ‘do school’ the way she chooses to deal with trauma.

Ramona’s defensive adaptive response to danger is best known as the “fight or flight” reaction, first identified by Walter B. Cannon (Cannon, 1914). “When a child experiences a traumatic event, the immediate reaction is a primitive and deeply ingrained ‘freeze, flight or fight’ reaction” (Perry, 1993). Thus, when a traumatized child feels alarm or fear, they react by freezing first. If that does not help, they move along the continuum to fight and flight. This can happen with any frightening event as well as when a child is reminded about a frightening event. If the fear response is activated repeatedly, the child walks around in a “persistent state of fear” (1993).

Feelings vary from anxiety to terror for the child at any given moment, even with

“everyday stressors” (1993). With this freeze, decision making becomes very difficult and clear thinking becomes cloudy for the child. “When I have too much to do I do nothing” (1993). The child clearly can not think and therefore can not operate.

Ramona’s evidence of trauma exposure lies in her deteriorating behavior which includes crying, anger, tantrums, tardiness, low motivation, low performance, truancy, rebellion, repetitive running away, drug and alcohol abuse, self-mutilation, suicidal thoughts, excessive sexual activity, and obsessive compulsive behaviors, particularly her eating disorders. It begins as a child and progresses as she grows up. Running away, however, is repeatedly acted out.

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Ramona’s trauma is frequent, severe, and unfortunately almost predictable. Her symptoms escalate and cause self-inflicted pain. “The number, nature and pattern of the traumatic event all make a difference in whether or not the trauma will be carried forward in a malignant way. The more frequent someone is traumatized, the more likely they are to have symptoms” (Perry, 1993). Similarly, the developmental stage in which the trauma is introduced has similar ramifications. Because Ramona’s trauma is over her lifetime, her symptoms and their severity are all the more likely.

Because the brain is altered when trauma is experienced, therapy alone does not work at stabilizing the symptoms. “No matter how much you talk to someone, the words will not easily get translated into changes in the brain (Perry, 1993). What does have impact however, is to “provide predictability, nurturance, support, and cognitive or insight oriented interventions which make a child feel safe, comfortable and loved”

(1993). This did not happen for Ramona until she is placed in the girls’ home at the age of sixteen. Nevertheless, more intermittent trauma follows after her release for the next six years. She tries to use what she learns from the girls’ home when trauma presents itself to no avail. It is only in the midst of this research, with her pregnancy and predictable, yet tentative, safe and healthy lifestyle that Ramona’s symptoms subside.

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Chapter Six

The mosaic

The image

Linking critical theory, literacy, identity and trauma

Because this research deals with a real individual who lives a real, but very different life from yours and mine, it becomes useful to think in terms of spatiality. The space these four components – critical theory, literacy, identity and trauma - occupy within each individual is significant (Fine, 2000). Fine (2000) examines spaces through lenses: interrogation into the borders of the space,…investigation into the interior relations within the space,…analyses of individual and group identity construction, deconstruction, and reconstruction within the space,…and research into the activist joints of this space with other spaces” (p.132-133).

As I examine the four spaces of critical theory, literacy, identity, and trauma within this individual, there are so many variables to consider. I need to examine all that each entails. These spaces are rarely stagnant; rather, they are constantly evolving and infiltrating one another. They are enmeshed rather than neatly joined. At times they sustain one another and at other times are in conflict with one another. The “borders” of their space are fluid and it seems difficult to “discern what defines, marks, separates and joins” them (Fine, 2000). Anything and everything can affect the space –“relations of hierarchy, justice, reciprocity, trust and conflict” to name a few (2000).

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The TILC image

Critical theory blends into literacy: “the word is not something static or disconnected for men’s existential experience, but a dimension of their thought language about the world” (Freire, 1970; p. 215). Their external literacy is embedded in their cultural model. Likewise, their identity is drawn from their literacy skills and their cultural model. It is woven in the socio-cultural and literate components of their life. If any trauma exposure exists, it lies deep within the individual’s identity.

The trauma, identity, literacy, critical theory (TILC) model designed here shows the relationship and impact of each component to one another. (see Figure 1) The size of each component may vary depending on the variables and perspectives of each individual. For example, if there has been little or no trauma exposure to date, the center circle could be as small as a pin drop. Yet, it would still exist for the possibility of future exposure. Likewise, the possibility exists on all levels for influential factors to have impact. Again, anything and everything can affect the space (Fine, 2000). The lines are broken to show the fluidity that exists in all components. Even the outer critical theory line can continue to be influenced by exterior factors.

Figure 1 graphically displays what contained trauma might look like. Trauma The TILC Model Identity Figure 1 External Literacy Critical theoryCritical Theory:Internal Internal t

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The CLIT image

Nevertheless, for some individuals, the trauma is so great that it overrides the other components and causes a shift. (See Figure 2) The critical theory, literacy, identity, trauma (CLIT) reverse model shows that some trauma is so severe that it causes an encapsulation of all other aspects of life. This can happen as a result of a single exposure or multiple exposures, either treated or untreated. The individual has difficulty separating from this exposure and totally succumbs to the trauma; thus, the solid line forms a tight outer circle. This trauma drives all other aspects of life including the identity, literacy skills and critical theory components. Because of its strength, it creates a shift of the other components. Like the TILC Model, the size of each component may vary and fluidity still exists within these spaces. If and when intervention occurs for the individual and is successful, the TILC model returns.

Figure 2 graphically displays what trauma encapsulation might look like.

CLIT Reverse Model CCriticalritical Theory Figure 2 Internaltheory Literacy External Literacy Identity

Trauma

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The image of Ramona today

Only Ramona can know for sure what her individual model looks like. I do know that she has worked very hard to contain her trauma. Regardless, the trauma is still there. Some of it she vividly recalls and some she has little or no memory of. I also know that she relies heavily on her external literacy skills to help her deal with trauma.

Currently, she is doing no journaling and so I cautiously conclude that her trauma is contained. There is a lack of journaling during her entire pregnancy despite the fact that

I give her a journal and frequently ask her what she has written. I also give her a baby book for her to log updates and nothing is written. When I question her about her lack of journaling, she is tentative. She doesn’t want to write the “bad stuff” of the past for her baby to know and she is waiting for the “good stuff” to happen, so she writes nothing. She is, however, photographing her body image so she can document the growth of her own body. My guess is that photography will be her new form of journaling with her baby as she delights in the joy of motherhood that she expresses with anticipation. For the first time in her life, Ramona has order. She has something she can count on.

From birth, she starts out like any other child, the kid next door. On the surface she looks like a cute child; in elementary school she shows signs of how smart and intelligent she is. Early along in life, things start to go wrong. The “bad stuff” continues for the next twenty-two years. She uses her external literacy skills she has learned in school to help her deal with all that is wrong in her life while her internal literacy skills teach her to read her world as her trauma drives all aspects of her life.

Somewhere in her model, her identity is weak and so it fluctuates between both the

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critical theory and literacy components, penetrating within each as different events happen. Her model for the majority of her life seems to be the CLIT Reverse Model with much fluidity within the internal components.

But, with each evolving experience, she fights to create order and space. Very slowly, very gradually, with care and concern, and with some amount of predictability, the trauma component begins to shrink. It starts to decrease while in the girls’ home as she begins to trust. Unfortunately though, it gains considerable strength and reemerges as the controlling component for the next six years. Only recently, as her identity shift is taking place, does the trauma component shrink to the center and become the smallest. No doubt, it is in a tentative place because the possibility of future trauma for her exists, as it does for all of us. Thus, the trauma line for now is solid but can break open at any time and accept influence from the other components. (see Figure 3)

She is successfully TILC with trauma containment Trauma Figure 3 rewriting her own history as she Identity continues to add new pieces to her External mosaic. She is determined to make Literacy Critical these pieces as memorable and theory: Internal Lit colorful as they can be. Maybe, eventually, there will be more color in this sketch. I am hopeful for her. After all, this mosaic is

‘unusually unusual’.

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Ramona’s newborn little boy.

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Magnifying the mosaic: insights

Each year in the United States over 2 million children are traumatized by physical or sexual abuse or by exposure to domestic or community violence (Steele,

2002). In addition, many of these children’s parents may be unavailable and there may be no positive role model. To them, it seems like they are born into pain. Their abuse often leads to anger, acting out, breaking the law and or any other mechanisms they choose. It is not surprising then, that schools are the logical witnesses of their pain.

Nevertheless, it is not the responsibility of teachers to deal with whatever their issues are. Teachers can, however, show acceptance, attention, loyalty, and support while adding a stabilizing factor for these children.

One thing is certain though; trauma can drive literacy. It is through the examination of one’s literacy that the chosen ordinary symbols in language and in occurrences are anything but ordinary. In truth, they are intimate symbols chronicling a life where certain places, certain people, certain behaviors, or certain things have meanings that only the individual knows. It is here then, that literacy becomes a feeling rather than a thing. Without a feeling, it is merely an acting out, whether it be external or internal literacy. The externally illiterate individual may be able to read and write but there is no meaning attached to it. Its practice mimics a rote memorization of meaningless syllables. Likewise, the internally illiterate individual is acting out life without meaning. There is no thought of purpose, just a daily, living, breathing existence. I, for example, have spent many days just going through the motions of a day without a conscious awareness for purpose. It is then that I am internally illiterate. But, when I take the time to think, feel and behave with purpose, I am internally literate and

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I feel a sense of completeness. Likewise, I have also spent countless hours adding up to days, weeks, months, and even years where I have used my external literacy skills but have been externally illiterate at times. It is then that I am mimicking what I have learned about reading and writing but not what I have learned about feeling. The reading and writing may have meaning for someone else, but bears no meaning for me.

In other words, being literate means giving meaning and feeling to both external and internal literacy skills. Thus, teaching literacy is creating an opportunity to feel. The words and actions reach way beyond any literal interpretations and only then do the inequities between feeling and literacy disappear. Furthermore, teachers have many opportunities to be privy to these intimate symbols and unlock their mysteries. They are inadvertently seeing parts of stories unfold as these become marked passages of unforgettable moments within the pages of a life. When this happens, it balances the inequities for both teacher and student. As a teacher, it moves you and changes you as you realize that you are seeing these intimacies. Inevitably it impacts your own literacy skills.

It is imperative then that literacy habits with feeling be established early. As

Ramona has shown us, teachers should never underestimate the influence that these early habits might have. When teachers make literacy a priority every day, they are proving to students its usefulness even if it means staying up until “sometime around 1 or 2 in the morning.” The simplest task of keeping daily calendars can teach students to maintain order while showing them the potential psychological importance of documenting events in life; after all, calendars need not only be for keeping appointments. For Ramona, it was a way to remember the things that caused feeling.

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Likewise, Ramona has verified that literacy is emphatically less cognitive and more emotive than we ever could imagine. Her explicit detailing of events in her journal seared through me as I read each and every page. It brought me to tears when I read that even I, as her mentor, had disappointed her when I did not realize the depth of her pain. No one taught Ramona to write with such poignancy, such depth, and such feeling. Her trauma spoke through her and for her equally as it sustained her through her brokenness. As close as I had become to Ramona as her mentor, I had no idea that her literacy practices were as extensive, as emotive, and as influential as they were.

Ramona is far more literate than I am and perhaps ever will be.

Accordingly, I would like to emphasize that ‘not doing’ school does not equate to ‘can not do’ school or ‘does not want to’ do school. So often, when a student does not succeed, those involved with that student consider that either the student lacks the ability or lacks the motivation. It is somehow assumed that just quite possibly, a different school, different classroom, different teacher, different curriculum, different text, different economic status, or even a different family is what is needed for success.

Yet, when students don’t ‘do’ school it may be that they have experienced some type of trauma exposure. Recently, after surveying a class of twenty-five developmental students what they worry most about, the overwhelming majority response was that they worry they will fail. It seems that they want to do well but they doubt their ability.

They have come to feel that they are not literate enough to be successful in school. But

I contend they are far more literate than we know. After all, these are the very same students that have taught themselves the language of text messaging, facebook,

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myspace, blogging, and other technological pop cultural trends where they are attaching feelings to their literate actions.

So, as I consider what role trauma has played in identity, literacy, and life, I am certain that the four components are significantly intertwined and that indelible and unalterable moments are often invisible to others. As the fluidity between these components begins to congeal, it is important that teachers know, understand, and collaborate with other professionals about the dimensional extensiveness of the trauma component. In a way then, teachers can encourage students to walk out of their history within the time and space they are given with them. But, like Ramona, this can be a difficult feat and will not happen until the young adult comes to the realization,

“I will not live like this.”

Very slowly, very gradually, with care and concern, and with some amount of predictability, the trauma component can begin to shrink. For her, I watched it happen.

Postscript

Once again, I caution my readership that exposure to this dissertation may cause one to exhibit the very same effects that are symptomatic of trauma exposure: shock, disbelief, denial, and inability to cope. I simply hope that I have been able to capture the trauma in this case so that you will be able to adequately share the moments of

Ramona’s life and come to the realization that this case is not an anomaly. It is Ramona herself that first exhibits disbelief of the things she experiences,

“This is lifetime movie stuff. This isn’t something that happens to someone you know.”

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I hope, too, that the reading of this is a seminal moment for you, one that allows considerable reflection so that you come to the realization that, although this is just one case, it is representative of all cases. And finally, I hope I have sufficiently influenced your views on the role of trauma in identity, literacy, and life. This is one young lady I will never forget; one family I will never forget. One family that we - you and I - should never forget. Because, this did happen to her, to someone I know and, now, someone you know.

In the beginning, she was a good person who had bad things happen to her; as a result, she made some bad choices. Now, she sees herself as a good person making good choices. She is happy. She is content. She is a mother who loves her baby.

So, as a researcher and a teacher, I know that this case is influential and can help me make decisions on the shaping of other students I come in contact with. I know now that often their obstacles are invisible. I know, too, that there will be a time to encourage them to move on, a time to encourage change, and a time to just listen. But somehow, within the time and space I am given with them, I know I must focus on ways to teach them skills to handle the outside world that has given them their own indelible and unalterable dark pieces of their mosaic.

I encourage you to do the same.

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Ramona’s life before her baby is born.

Ramona goes hiking and biking with her dog.

Ramona uses her internal literacy skills.

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First Grade Journal: Jan. 8, 1992 to May 22, 1992 Appendix 1 1/8/1992 To Mrs. Y: what I got for Christmas

1/8/1992 Poem

1/9/1992 picture of a spider web; "stay, stay, play all day"

1/15/1992 sad, worried; "my cat ran away, I can't find him"

1/20/1992 cat gone one week, dad going to help her find him

1/24/1992 saw a cat just like him, "missing him so much," picture of a car with a cat inside, driving past houses on a street

no date secret recipe to become a monster; "use dad's underwear and socks"

no date rules for a field trip; numbered 1 to 6, #1 to be cuit

1/30/1992 story of a girl named Sue who begged for a kitten, finally parents gave it to her on Valentine's Day

2/26/1992 story of her black cat named Bear; Bear got in a fight with two dogs she tried to break up the fight; took Bear to the vet

no date "I love my parents to much"

no date "crumbs in my bed are so uncferfl"

no date saw a deer, outside playing

no date picture of a "brontosaurus"

1/15/1992 letter to Anita; "do you like animals"

no date two sentences: "pick up your clothes," "I like animals"

4/23/1992 spelling test: 100%

4/28/1992 spelling test: 95%

5/20/1992 spelling test: ungraded

5/22/1992 story about standing outside waiting for bus

no date adding numbers; 10-20's=200

no date ten sentences about fossils

no date story about swimming in a pool, being hungry, "out of nowhere someone appeared and then we got kicked out"

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Journal: Green notebook (covered in stickers) March 1997- August 1997 Age 14-15 Appendix 2

Date Time Duration Pages Written Signed Love, 3/9 3 Ramona Lawton Ramona Catherine Hugh Lawton 3/10 5 and never Jones

4/8 2 Ramona Lawton

4/9 5:37pm-5:54pm 17 minutes 2 Ramona Lawton

4/9 10:08pm-10:44pm 36 minutes 3 Ramona Lawton

4/10 9:41pm-10:51pm 1 hr. 10 min. 6 Ramona Lawton

4/13 10:36pm-12:01am 1 hr. 17 min. 5 Ramona Lawton

4/14 1 Ramona Lawton

4/15 11:20am-11:25am 5 minutes 1 Ramona

4/16 8:33pm-9:10pm 37 minutes 4 Ramona Lawton

4/20 11:36am-12:05pm 29 minutes 4 Ramona Lawton Love, 4/24 3:54 pm 2 Ramona Lawton

4/28 7:48pm-8:29pm 41 minutes 3 Ramona

5/2 11:16pm 3 Ramona Lawton

5/7 11:04pm-11:44pm 40 minutes 4 Ramona Lawton

5/22 9:17pm-10:15pm 58 minutes 4 Ramona Lawton

5/23 10:48pm 1 Love, Ramona

6/4 7:54am 15 Always&Forever, Ramona “sometime around 1 or 2 in the 6/25 morning” 5 Always&Forever, Ramona

7/7 10:08pm 2 Always&Forever, Ramona

7/8 11:00pm-11:35pm 35 minutes 2 Always&Forever, Ramona

7/9 11:35pm-12:00am 25 minutes 2 Always&Forever, Ramona

7/10 1:23am-2:04am 41 minutes 3 Always&Forever, Ramona

7/13 2:00pm 2 Always&Forever, Ramona Always&Forever, 7/25 12:50am 3 Toni Marie Samtossi Always&Forever, 8/12 1:30pm 1 Toni Marie Samtossi Always&Forever, 8/13 1:00am 2 Toni Marie Samtossi Always&Forever, 4 Toni Marie Samtossi

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Galaxy Notebook Appendix 3 Journal: Galaxy notebook October 1997- November 1998 Age 15/16

Date Time Duration Pages Written Signed 10:26pm- Always&Forever 10/19 11:29pm 1 hr. 3 min 6 Ramona 9:08am 9:15am 9:34am 11:25am Always&Forever 10/23 11:37am 2 hrs 19min 2 Ramona Always&Forever 10/28 8:26pm-9:18pm 54 minutes 5 Ramona Always&Forever 11/1 1:15pm-1:59pm 44 minutes 2 Ramona Always&Forever 11/4 ? - 10:29 1 Ramona Always&Forever 11/30 5:48pm-7:30pm 1 hr. 42 min 8 Ramona Always&Forever 12/3 7:45am 1 Ramona

12/30 10:44 2 Always&Forever 1/6 2:55pm-3:46pm 51 minutes 4 Ramona Always&Forever 1/12 10:33pm 3 Ramona

An added entry made by Ramona’s sister Love ya always To Ramona 12:12pm- Love ya sis 11/14/98 12:47pm 35 minutes 1 Bridget Lawton I’m sorry

Additional entries:

• Crossed out words and sayings – that’s what it’s all about I want to Date Rape Drug Det out It’s really not that good How will you survive

• 3 strategies for coping with stress 1)preparation – prepare yourself for high levels of stress 2)tackle one task at a time – make a list of jobs in the order in which they need to be done 1) cope with stress (set backs) handle set back and turn to

• Listing of 6 boys names (first and last names), last boy’s name underscored six times

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Journal: Black hard-cover notebook December 1999-September 2001 Appendix 4 Age 17/18/19

Age 17

Date Pages written Signed Topic 12/4/99 1 Ramona getting a chameleon 12/6 2 Ramona getting a chameleon 12/8 3 Ramona anxiety about school safety; everyone is mean 12/10 3 Ramona Lawton fight with dad 12/12 3 Ramona Lawton sex 12/15 3 Ramona guilt over hitting sister 12/21 2 Ramona fight with dad 12/31 6 Ramona chameleon died; Mom; friends; drinking; drugs; cops 1/7/00 1 “not finished” Ramona met guy on the internet 1/10 2 Ramona got new pet turtle; 3 guy internet friends guy at school; passion for animals; anorexia; 1/14 4 Ramona obsessive compulsive behavior 1/21 1 Ramona not doing school; wanting to go home fight with dad; anorexia; mom in rehab; pet death; 1/27 4 Ramona suicide 2/23 1 getting new dog 3/21 1 Ramona self hate; evil in people 3/25 4 identity; life as an illusion Additional entries: • Things important to me 1 school 2 my pets 3 foster animals 4 family 5 work/money 6 spirituality 7 the house 8 friends

• How it is 1 school 2 work/money 3 pets 4 foster animals 5 friends 6 family 7 spirituality 8 the house

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• What I want 1 school 2 pets 3 family/house 4 work/money 5 foster animals 6 friends 1-6 = spirituality

• If I stay in school 5:30pm-1:30am 5:30am wake up, yoga, taebo, alter 6:00 take shower 6:15 eat, feed fish, cats, and rooster – cover/uncover 6:30 get ready for school 7:10 leave for school 3:00pm get home from school, feed fish, cats, cover/uncover rooster, play with dogs 4:00 leave for work 10:30 come home, eat, relax 11:00 homework 1:00 alter, ready for bed 1:30 bed Good Bad No sleep (4 hours) No family/home No sleep (4 hours) No friends (1/2 hour)

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Age

18/19 Date Pages Written Signed Topic 2/12/01 1 a dream 5/2/01 4 pre-army and destructive feelings 5/3/01 1 depressed feelings 5/4/01 8 Ramona Fight with Grandma 5/7/01 5 rescued a baby rabbit 5/10/01 3 birthday and a new guy 5/14 4 partying at mom’s; friends 5/16/01 2 Indian women’s group meeting and self doubt 5/22/01 5 Identity confusion and disappointment with people 5/23/01 2 sex 5/31/01 1 leaving for boot camp and graduation, “Mom and me” photo 6/1/01 1 6/12/01 1 things to do 7/3/01 1 things to do 7/4/01 4 Ramona shipping out for army; excitement; saying goodbye; boyfriend 7/5/01 1 on hold in hotel for army 7/8/01 1 guilt over lying to army 7/14/01 3 Ramona first time with siblings since army; family vacation 7/15/01 5 Ramona boyfriend; love; sex 7/16/01 2 Ramona boyfriend; family vacation 7/24/01 2 love crisis stickers; missing boyfriend 7/28/01 1 day at zoo, animal extinction list, photo 8/4/01 10 Ramona guys, camping, photo collage 8/8/01 1 fight with dad 8/17/01 1 things to do 1 dad issues 9/11/01 1 things to do; fish drawing 9/13 1 things to do; • Things to do before I go into the army 1 zoo 2 park 3 beach 4 take ______(youngest sister and her friend) to the museum 5 take ______(younger sister) to ceramics 6 ______(youngest sister) to a play 7 ______younger brother to zoo/putt putt 8 repelling 9 horseback riding with ______(younger sister) 10 ______younger brother to the museum

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• Things to do 7/03/01 1. finish packing 2. call Tiffany 3. call Dad 4. out to eat with Grandma 5. call ______(friend) 6. call Aunt Amie 7. army stuff shopping 8. call everyone 9. get Tiff’s Florida address 10. get Mom’s address 11. call John 12. give Shannon Lacy

• Things to do in life 1 learn to play the harp 2 learn to play the piano 3 take up glass blowing 4 take up bird watching/learn bird calls 5 learn Italian 6 hunting/shooting

• Additional entries: Name listing with money amounts after each name totaling $178.35 Vocabulary and synonyms Right word, complete sentence Vocabulary, synonyms, antonyms, complete sentence 14 mathematical formulas

• 7/28/01 *Almost 99% of the wild populations that inhabited the United States at the time of Columbus no longer exist.

*Only 25% of African Wildlife population remains 200 Puerto Rican parrots 24-40 Javan Phinos 56 Black-footed ferrets 26 California condors

FEW THOUSAND TIGERS AND MOUNTAIN GORRILAS 1 Feradina Island tortoise 1 Abingdon Island tortoise

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• Things to do 8/17/01 7:30 wake 9:00 work 12:00 lunch/call healthy alternative call bus people call ______(friend) 3:15 doctors 5 :30 gym

• application at healthy alternatives • clean bathroom

• Final words in last journal:

“She’s unusually unusual”

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Ramona’s 1997 calendar: age 11-12 Appendix 5 Jan Feb March April May June July Aug Sept Oct Nov Dec Mom left Punishmen Go to Started Didn’t go Unfortunate Amie went Lammas Spent the Babysat Grounded Stayed home Dad t new end court going out to school ly came home-almost Lughnasad night at with Billy home got in fight -spent the Mary’s Went to mom’s Grounded Stayed at Stayed the Punishmen Sammie Spent the with Amie night at Mar’y with night at t end had Went to night at Started dad’s No school Went shopping Grounded Mandy, Becky, Uncle puppies the grandma’s going out Went to the came home Julie Dan’s Imbolc carnival with Adam fireworks Lamma’s Babysat Grounded Got high Moved to with Tiff, Paul’s lughnasad- Went shopping HATE DREW Spent the G county Donnie, party Field day Cave here we babysat Sammie got dress- I hate Grounded night at Dance-was and Billy- at school come- went to came to it Got high, Tiff’s canceled Katie’s b- spent the Came cave Stay at live with Grounded Decorated tree Spent the day weekend home Didn’t go hiking, Amy’s me Babysat Started weekend at Tiff’s to school movies, guys went to Grounded Went to store going out with mom Sammie b- Spent the Carrie and Started Homecoming- with Amy with Cam day night at Last day cave, shopping Ben’s walking Spent the Grounded Went to Nan’s horseback, Sammie Went to watch the movies of school night at Kissed No school Brady’s b- riding, hiking Went to Grounded b ball games Cam for – started day with Babysat at dad’s Went to Mary’s Tiff, Adam the first going with Nan’s broke up went to becky’s Grounded Babysat, got time-no Jake The vernal Donnie, Virginia for 2 Went 4 party Went skating high and Billy with me- school equinox Eye dr. apt had water weeks-went wheeling Grounded 5:00 shopping with Found Psychic festival Study for Went to balloon Went to School The vernal fight on grandma Babysat puppy Grounded exams, belly meet Cam- dance equinox visit My B-day for Kate Babysat button, went to grandma – bus no school – yeah- Emily’s b-day Babysat Grounded Harry’s first Spring went home School went Went Shopping. time, Mary Went to Went to break dance- see horses swimming shopping Spent the Bowling, Grounded came over cam’s Started Spent the with Joy, made night at movies school with dad night at and Becky 2 wreaths Steve’s Tammy’s Went to Babysat Cam came testing Nan’s party-went with Mary Cleaned mom’s, Exams over Came to Gem’s- and went Bridget’s b- Spent the Went to went came skating Report card day, came night at home Billy’s b- visit Nan shopping, home – home Went to Sun’s day Terry’s made 1 wreath went The with Amy, and Phil’s Spent the Bought night at shopping Acturnal Dad was out of Went to Mary cops Therapy with Amy CD’s – went Equinox town- Mary Amy’s got drunk Tiff’s went to swimming Went to spent the night, Went ice Found a dad’s Gem’s- The babysat Didn’t go to winter solstice, bird with Started skating going out went went Actomal school, sick came home

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with Emily broken with Ben shopping, shopping Equinox Stayed at wing-came Didn’t go made a wreath, Mary’s- bad Came home winter solstice, Went home to school went Started night- got high. early, sick, exams, go to skating Bought swimming packing Visited Went to the went to doc school late with Tiff Spent the Piano new shirt Kelly, museum night at lessons- Terry’s b-day Car broke wehnt out Didn’t go to exams, go Went to Nan’s tanning Spent the down, hate to eat Cleaned for school, sick shopping the movies bed-spent night at John came mom, Amie Aunt Amie with Amy Came back the night dad’s down, went came carved Went to went to Aunt and Darci at Amy’s swimming Went to pumpkins- got Amy’s Amie’s – they Spent the with Susie Babysat- yard sale Babysat, high spent the night at bought gift Bill’s b-day got high Got drunk stayed at night dad’s Spent the Moved Didn’t go to and high, Dana’s, went night at Came John left back in Went school, got high stayed over to moms Went to Went grandmas home with dad skating, at Mary’s pick out camping Went met Got high, came home my dress with Amy Came Quit swimming Orientatio Freddy cabbage night Came home, home smoking n watched no school Got my Came Went Cleaned End of year of movie with dress –it home Bike Sammie everywhere, Went to for Aunt full circle, got dad went to mary’s looks great riding went to the rent car, went park Amanda caught with got high came Last day vet’s out with Ellen weed Cleaned for home, HATE Grandma’s of school Bike and Laurie to First day Michaelm aunt Amie, DREW even b-day testing riding- I went to eat of school us Angela’s b- more found dead dads day party guy Sold wreaths Spent the Went to lost virginity No school In train Sammie night at Mary’s at 5:00am came Came back, Mandy’s- No school Piano home- stayed the dance I hate dad school let babysat for dad lessons- spent the night at aunt out early didn’t go- night at Amie’s Spent the No school didn’t go Tiff’s went night at tanning bed, babysat to school- to party HE WILL Tammy’s died hair, helped DIE! went library No school mom with Went to Came home, bowling babysat work Margo’s went to fair no school, PARTY! with Tiff, spent the SUCKED Spend the Ben, Billy Went night at GOT HIGH night at and Stu swimming, Amie’s dad’s met carlie Came went to the Went to home-Tiff Spent the night mall with the zoo stayed the at dad’s, went Angela

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weekend to the movies Didn’t go with Anna went to party to school Summer got drunk solstice- One earth and high off Came mom’s b- party my ass, home- day stayed up all moved to Got Spent the night night` new house computer- at Amie’s Nan’s b- ,went Kissed day-Tiff swimming 2 Adam- 8th went home times,,went grade swimming banquet Went swimming Came home Amy’s b- Went day – Midsumm swimming, yeah- er day- spent the night had lab went at grandma’s swimming piano lessons – Spent the didn’t go- night at got weed dad’s plant Went with spending Aunt Amie the night with Amy Came at Rey’s home- Sammie spending came to the night live with with Amy me- Amy at Rey’s spent the night

Went walk’n with Amy

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Ramona’s high school journal.

Before baby, Ramona goes hiking with one of her dogs.

Ramona’s desk at work today.

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Ramona writes the words in for a missing page.

Ramona’s external literacy skills in her early years.

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Ramona’s middle school years.

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Ramona’s middle school years.

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Ramona’s high school journal.

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While at college, Ramona refinishes a bookshelf for herself.

The refinished bookshelf.

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Ramona uses her external literacy skills to express her internal literacy.

155

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