bridgea publication for our friends from the grief counseling center

summer 2012

Grief Notes “Heavy hearts, like M. Bernadine Parks, MS, PCC-S heavy clouds in the Director, Pathways of Hope sky, are best relieved As much as we love the warm, by the letting of a sunny days of summer, all of us realize that without the occasional little water.” shower, rainy day, or earth- soaking Just as the Antoine Rivarol thunderstorm, the lush greens and summer rains are riotous colors of the Ohio summer essential to our would soon disappear. “Dry spells” health and well being, troublesome to grieving people, are the find us searching the skies for heavy there is growing evidence type of tears that are shed in response clouds that hold hope for a much that human tears are to sadness, distress or physical pain. needed downpour. The oppressive likewise essential to Their chemical composition is markedly atmosphere that precedes the storm personal health and different from that of the basal and is soon replaced by the clear skies well-being. Scientists who reflex tears and appear to have a and crisp, fresh air that emerge when study human tears have function other than the protection of the the storm has run its course. Despite discovered that tears are eye itself. the annoyance associated with much more complex than It seems that these emotional tears disrupted plans, we recognize that the might appear at first glance; pack a pretty powerful punch, ridding temporary inconvenience of a summer so complex in fact, that they the body of stress induced chemicals storm is the necessary price to pay have identified three distinct that can be toxic to health if not flushed for beautiful blossoms and bountiful types of human tears. Basal tears from the body. We know that the stress harvests. Without the rains that and reflex tears serve to nourish and of grief can have a negative impact nurture the fields and forests and fill protect the eye from irritants and on our ability to fight off infection. It our rivers and lakes, life would not be bacteria and viruses. Emotional tears, sustainable. the tears that can at times seem so Continued on next page

inside pathways of hope 2 Your Grief Is Not my 4 save the Date for Our 6 Am I losing my mind? 324 Wilmington Avenue Grief Annual Remembrance Dayton, OH 45420 6 Grief Support Services Walk 2 Ambushed by Grief Available in Butler and (937) 258-4991 4 Grief Counseling Warren Counties (800) 653-4490 toll free 3 When Grief Enters the Services Come to (513) 422-0300 Butler and Life of a Teenager 7 How do I explain to a Wright Dunbar Warren Counties child? 4 Coping with the Death 5 Notes on Music: Music of a Parent 7 Frequently Asked www.hospiceofdayton.org and Transisition Questions on Grief www.hospiceofbutlerco.org 5 The House Is So Empty www.hospiceofwarrenco.org 8 Griever’s Bookshelf Now grief notes Research into the “chemistry of emotional release, the tears of grief Continued from previous page crying” has likewise shown that, are an expected part of the grieving in addition to relieving stress by process. Giving yourself permission to seems that shedding some tears providing an outlet for painful experience the healing properties of also helps us shed stress induced feelings, a “good cry” can actually emotional tears will do much to ease hormones, thus protecting health elevate your mood, making you feel your grief journey. in the long run. Some writers have better. likened tears to the body’s pressure valve, allowing the body to restore Whatever their form, be it a brief itself to a healthy equilibrium. “shower” or a “thunderstorm” of

ambushed by grief

Do you ever feel like grief just wells us of our loss. Some have likened experience. While STUGs tend up and hits you unexpectedly? You them to “waves” of grief that may to greatly lessen over time, they may be having a “good” day and unexpectedly knock us off balance. never completely disappear. something is said, a song is heard, One writer has even suggested that The key is to remember that for a memory is rekindled and all of a we think of these experiences as all its suddenness, the grief sudden the grief just washes over “Grief Hugs” because they serve to surge is a temporary experience. you. These sudden grief attacks are remind us that love and memories of It quickly washes over us, and so common they even have a name. our loved one continue to be carried will soon wash away. At first within our hearts. these experiences may feel fairly A STUG reaction is a sudden, destabilizing, leading us to temporary, upsurgance of grief Common triggers are favorite songs, wonder if we are really making that is usually triggered by events, special days such as birthdays, any progress. With time and experiences or thoughts that remind anniversaries and holidays, movies or experience, we become more TV programs that touch our emotions, adept at regaining equilibrium a change in seasons or events or and recognizing STUGS for what milestones where the absence of a they are — reminders of love loved one is keenly felt. These STUG and loss. reactions are a normal part of the grief

“If ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together…there is something you must remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”

A. A. Milne

2 When Grief enters the Life of a Teenager Jonathan Haag, LISW-S, ATR-BC

Each year thousands of Bereaved teens often feel teenagers in the United States pressured to act as they are doing experience the death of someone better than they really are. One they love. When a parent, sibling, way this can happen is when a friend or relative dies, teens feel parent dies, many teens are told the painful loss of someone who by well meaning family members helped shape his or her self- to “be strong” and to “carry concept. Unless the feelings of on” for the surviving parent. grief are processed, these feelings The teen may be working very about the death can become a part hard to cope with his or her of their lives for years. own circumstances let alone the additional responsibility Adolescence Can Be of supporting someone Naturally Difficult else. Obviously, this kind of Teens are no longer children and they • Social Challenges: situation complicates the teen’s “grief are not yet adults. Other than infancy, Changes in relationships with family work.” no developmental period has more and friends, wanting to be alone all Teens often need caring adults to tumultuous change than adolescence. the time, risk-taking behaviors such affirm that it is natural and healthy Leaving the stability of childhood, as drug and alcohol abuse, fighting, to feel sad as well as any number the adolescent begins the process and sexual experimentation or of different feelings after a loved of moving away from parents and promiscuity, denying pain while at one dies. Teens benefit from gentle forming a new sense of autonomy. The the same time acting overly strong or reminders that the pain they feel death of a loved one, then, can be a mature. right now will not go on forever, but particularly overwhelming experience • Cognitive and School will slowly heal as they express their during this already complicated and Challenges: Lack of concentration, feelings of grief. When teens receive challenging period. declining grades, academic failure the message “ignore your grief”, they or indifference to school-related or may suffer more from feeling isolated Signs a Teen May Need social activities, or over-activity and and alone in their grief than from the Extra Help acting too busy in an effort to block actual death itself. Because grief can be particularly out the pain. What Helps difficult during the teenage years, it is • Spiritual Challenges: Anger with helpful to know what behaviors may God, concerns regarding the afterlife, Teens that are having a particularly signal that a teen is struggling with and questioning or loss of a belief hard time with grief may benefit from grief. Most teens do not have a large system, struggling with feelings of one or more of the many resources number of symptoms, but usually have forgiveness and guilt. available in most communities. some. Below are some grief symptoms School counselors, clergy, and private to be aware of: Caring Adult’s Role therapists are appropriate resources. Peer grief support groups are one • Emotional challenges: chronic How adults respond when a death depression, deep sadness, of the best ways to support grieving of a loved one occurs can have a teens as they naturally look to their consistent irritability, restlessness tremendous impact on the way a teen and low self esteem peers for affirmation of their feelings processes grief. At times adults may and experiences. At Pathways of • Physical Challenges: Sleeping struggle themselves with the death Hope, teens can find support through difficulties or over sleeping, eating of a loved one and avoid talking one-on-one grief counseling, art too much or not at all, fatigue, about the death, believing that by therapy, family grief counseling, stomach and headaches as well as doing so teens will be spared some school-based grief support groups, other somatic complaints. of the pain and sadness. Adults who and group experiences such as Camp may be avoiding their own grief may Pathways and the Pathways Breakaway discourage teens from sharing their mini-camps. grief. 3 Coping with the Death of a Parent Save the Date The loss of a parent is the most widely adults by surprise. for Our Annual experienced type of bereavement, Regardless of whether the death affecting millions of adults every year. Remembrance was expected or sudden, the grief Unfortunately, the grief experienced Walk! that follows may be more intense, by bereaved adult children frequently confusing and enduring than one goes unrecognized by others. When expects. Questions about what It isn’t too early to start planning the death of one parent leaves the is “normal” rise to the surface as for the annual Hospice of Dayton surviving parent newly widowed, siblings and other family members 5-K Remembrance Walk, which the grief of the adult child is often react to the death in differing ways. provides families and friends an overlooked in concerned inquiries Issues and interests related to the opportunity to walk in memory of about how the surviving parent is restructuring or loss of the family loved ones. This year’s walk will doing. of origin, reassignment of family be held on Saturday, November Whether the parent-child relationship responsibilities, and the stresses 3, so mark your calendar and was experienced as nurturing and associated with settling of the estate plan to join us for what we hope supportive, or challenging and too often compound the pain and will be the biggest gathering yet. complicated, the void that remains isolation of grief. Opportunities to form a team are after the death of a parent can be available; for further information Pathways of Hope offers two support deep and wide. Although the eventual and registration materials, groups designed specifically to death of one’s mother and father is an please contact Amanda Burks at provide bereaved adults a safe place expected part of the natural order of (937) 258-5537. to explore common concerns, share life, it is a mistake to assume that age memories and coping strategies, and and experience will necessarily protect gain a better understanding of the the adult “child” from the pain of grief. experience of grief associated with When the relationship with a parent losing one’s mother or father. The was known to be strained, distant Memories of MOM and Fatherless or otherwise troubled, friends and Child support groups are held family may not know what to say or throughout the year and meet for four may assume that the parent’s death consecutive weeks. Preregistration has somehow “solved” the difficulties and commitment to attend all four posed in the parent-child relationship. sessions is required; information When the last remaining parent dies, about upcoming groups can be found the intensity of the feeling of being in the center insert. “orphaned” in mid-life takes many

Pathways of Hope grief counseling services are Grief Counseling now available in our new beautiful offices in the Services Come to historic Wright Dunbar preservation district. The Wright Dunbar 1137 West Third Street location is conveniently accessible from I-75 and Hospice of Dayton shares the building with the Wright-Pat Credit Union. The Wright Dunbar office offers individual bereavement counseling as well as Life After Loss, a general grief support group. Participation is open to the public, and not limited to a specific type of loss. Services are provided without charge and without regard to prior use of Hospice of Dayton services. Check our center insert for details on meeting days and times. 4 Notes on Music: Music and Transitions Teresa Edingfield, MSA, MT-BC, Music Therapist

Transitions in music are segments rocky and full of unknowns. What sadness, anger or loneliness. There of music that carry the listener from can be done to ease that transitional is a song for nearly everything. Lyrics one section of music to another. They period? Back to the music! may not be necessary. Find something are most needed when two sections that meets your need. Music can be used as a transition… which are completely different are In a moment of needed refreshment. brought together in a flowing manner. When you feel like you can’t go any Soothing music and deep breaths can If the transition is not designed well, farther. Listen to a few minutes of work wonders to clear the mind and the listener may be left wondering music of your choice to get through a refresh. what’s going to happen next. Done rough spot. Perhaps it’s low energy, or well, the transition creates a sense no motivation to get something done To refill the spiritual well. Choose of completion of what was and an that is causing a problem. Set your music that reminds you of your expectation of that to come. goal low enough to achieve, then build spiritual framework. on it as you are able. Compare this to experiencing the loss Remember that transitions are of a loved one. The life before the loss When you need a good release. a segment of time. Grief can be is completely different from the life Finding a song that will help empty overwhelming. Take it a piece at a after the loss. What happens during out the suppressed emotions can be time and use a few minutes of music to the transitional phase is inherently cleansing. Those emotions may be get to the next moment.

The House is So Empty Now Debbie Holt, MS, PCC-S

Learning to live alone is one of the • Adopt a pet — many have found that most challenging aspects of life after caring for a companion animal has loss. Whether it is coming home to deep rewards at many levels. an empty house, facing the quiet • Ask friends and family to call in the evening hours on our own, or learning evenings. to sleep alone, the adjustment is often difficult and painful.T he home • Move the TV to a different spot; we have shared too often feels like changing the view sometimes helps. an empty and unwelcoming house, • Some people find it helpful to filled with memories that remind create a “sacred space” where us only too vividly of our loss. they can choose to be alone with Sometimes, very small changes in their thoughts and memories and our behavior or environment can help mementos such as photos or other make the transition to a new normal meaningful mementos. more manageable. You may want • Take your walk in the evening. to consider some of the following • Sleep on the other side of the bed or strategies that others have found to be sleep with a full length “body pillow.” • Rent videos that you and your partner helpful. never would have enjoyed together. • Experiment with different scented • Turn the radio or TV on before you candles or room scents to make it feel • Use a loved one’s t-shirt as a pillow leave the house so that you do not more homelike. case for your bed pillow. return to a silent house. • Change your routine. Tape evening • Join a support group and make • Put painful reminders in a safe TV shows and watch them during plans with new acquaintances. You place or in a special area of the the day; answer emails and are sure to meet someone else who house where you can access them correspondence in the evening; and would enjoy sharing a meal, movie, intentionally. take care of chores later in the day. concert or walk.

5 Am I Losing My Mind?

“I’m not sure what is wrong with me... feelings are so closely connected, Distraction is a normal aspect of grief I can’t seem to remember anything we should not be surprised that grief which interferes with our ability to stay since my loved one died”—grief takes a toll on us mentally. Adjusting focused on what we are doing, recall counselors hear this complaint to the challenges of life after loss where we put things, or remember on a regular basis from bereaved can be compared to learning a new appointments and social obligations. people. While most bereaved people language. Just as none of us would Grieving people often complain that expect the sadness and emotional expect to become fluent in a foreign they feel like their brains are moving in impacts of grief, few are prepared language in a matter of weeks, our slow motion as they struggle to answer for the forgetfulness, distraction, brains do not seem to be wired questions or figure out something. concentration difficulties and the to effortlessly accommodate the These difficulties will usually abate as memory problems that are often part discrepancies that exist between the we make sense of our loss and become of the grief experience. old life we once knew and realities of more fluent in the new “language” life after loss. of our changed lives. In the event Grief is both physically and mentally that these cognitive problems exhausting. It is experienced and The confusion, concentration persist or continue to cause personal expressed not only in our feelings, difficulties, and memory problems that distress, talking with a physician or a but also in our thoughts and in our are common among grieving people bereavement counselor is suggested. behaviors. Because thoughts and should naturally dissipate over time.

Grief Support Services Available in Butler and Warren Counties Bonnie Orlins, MSW, LISW-S

Family members who reside in Butler expect when loss enters their life, Pathways of Hope also offers other and Warren Counties and southern Understanding the Grief Experience comprehensive services to the Montgomery County will be pleased is a one-time, 90-minute educational communities of Butler and Warren to know that Pathways of Hope is program designed to provide counties. Through our Healing expanding the availability of grief information about the grief experience. Pathways programs, school-based counseling services offered there. This program is offered twice per grief support is available to children Pathways of Hope grief center at month and is recommended for anyone and teens. Working with school Hospice of Butler and Warren Counties who has already suffered a loss as well administrators, we provide grief is located in the Team and Staff Center, as anyone who is facing the loss of a support groups and individual grief 5940 Long Meadow Dr., Franklin, Ohio loved one. counseling services in the school 45005. The center is conveniently setting. If tragedy affects the school Walking Through Grief Widow/ located off of the 1-75 Middletown community, support and advice are Widower support group is an ongoing exit and the nearby Atrium Medical also available for staff and students. support group which meets once a Center. Professionally licensed staff month. This group, which is always Speaking engagements on specific provide confidential grief support open to newcomers, offers widows and grief related topics are also through both individual counseling widowers support from others who available to community groups and and group counseling in a private, have experienced similar losses. organizations. tranquil setting. Services are available at no charge not only to those who The Life After Loss group have been involved with our hospice offers support, understanding, Detailed information about services, but also to any community encouragement, and practical meeting times may be found in members who may be dealing with suggestions for anyone who has lost the center insert. To request grief associated with the death of a a parent, sibling, significant other, further information or schedule loved one or the losses associated friend or another close family member. an appointment, call (513) with life-limiting illness. This group meets once a month and is 422-0300 extension 5707 or always open to new participants. For those who are interested (937) 258-4991. in learning more about what to 6 How do I Explain to a Child?

Helping a child understand and cope The Invisible String by Patrice heart. This book offers gentle comfort with death, grief and loss often leaves Karst. DeVorss & Company (2000). in knowing that the string provides an concerned adults feeling inadequate ongoing ever present connection that Patrice Karst addresses separation and unprepared. Engaging and age- can reach anywhere and everywhere issues in this charming illustrated appropriate books can open doors to so that you are always connected book. She reassures children of all meaningful conversations and provide to the ones you love. ages as well as adults that people who opportunities for sharing and support love each other are always connected that might be difficult to engineer The Very Best of Friends by by an invisible string made of love. through other means. Even though Margaret Wild with Illustrations by Although you cannot see the string, we don’t like to think that childhood Julie Vivas. Harcourt Brace, Jovanovich you can will be marked by painful loss, the (1989). feel it experience is frequent enough that deep James and William the cat are there are a number of children’s books within the very best of friends, who that address the issues associated your live together on a farm with with death, dying, grief and loss with Jessie. The unexpected death sensitivity and compassion. of James takes its toll on both Although written for William and Jessie, with both children, adults are often reacting in ways that will seem surprised at how deeply familiar to anyone who has ever the books touch their own experienced grief. How Jessie grieving hearts! and William learn to live with one Two of our favorites include: another and find comfort with one another provides a gentle lesson in the importance of caring for one another.

Grief FAQs: your grief takes depends on many had the same relationship or shared factors specific to you and your loss, the same conversations as you and Frequently Asked such as the nature of your relationship your loved one shared. Some people Questions about with the deceased, your temperament, report that they “talk” out loud to Grief personality and coping style, and the a favorite photo, or while they are specific circumstances surrounding visiting the graveside. Others report the death . Grief and mourning can mental conversations. These one- How long will my grief take? be expected to fluctuate over time, way conversations with a deceased Q: at times lessening and at other times loved one can be helpful in many A: The short answer is that there intensifying. ways. Although we cannot expect a is no timeline for grief — it takes as deceased loved one to hold up their long as it takes. Unfortunately, most end of the conversation, you may find people underestimate the time and Q: I’m wondering if it is okay to that you can “hear” what your loved energy that adapting to all the changes still “talk” to my loved one? one’s response would be if they were precipitated by the loss of a loved one able to actually talk with you. These entails. Some losses, such as the loss A: For many bereaved individuals, conversations with the deceased are of a spouse or a child, can leave huge sharing thoughts and experiences by but one of many ways in which we voids in the fabric of day to day life talking to a deceased loved one is a recognize that although death may end and present ongoing and unexpected source of great comfort. After all, no a life, it does not end a relationship. challenges for some time. How long one knows you in the same way as your loved one knew you, and no one 7 The Griever’s Bookshelf Hospice of Dayton Bridge is published quarterly for families, staff members and No Time for Goodbyes by Janice friends of Hospice of Dayton, Inc. Harris Lord. Compassion Press Featured books may be purchased Kent Anderson, President/CEO, (2006). or ordered through your local Hospice of Dayton bookseller or may be available at Pathways of Hope Staff This book discusses the unique your public library. Nancy Gardner-Messer, MSW, LISW Jonathan Haag, LISW, ATR-BC challenges facing individuals who Mary Gamage, MSW, LSW have experienced sudden losses Deborah Holt, MS, PCC-S by suicide, homicide, and vehicular Brenda L Wolfe, PCC-S, NCC accidents. It also provides specific Bonnie Orlins, MSW, LISW M Bernadine Parks, MS, PCC-S, information to help guide survivors Director, Pathways of Hope through the criminal justice system. Kate Hawvermale, Office Coordinator The differences between sudden The Pathways of Hope Grief Counseling death and an anticipated death are Center at Hospice of Dayton relies on the individual and community donors who so presented as well as ways to cope. generously support the services we provide. Thanks to your generosity, all Pathways of Hope services are available without charge to serve the bereavement needs of anyone in the communities we serve. Donations to support our services are gratefully accepted through Hospice of Dayton Foundation, 324 Wilmington Avenue, Dayton, Ohio, 45420.

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