Heavy Hearts, Like Heavy Clouds in the Sky, Are

BRIDGEA PUBLICATION FOR OUR FRIENDS FROM THE GRIEF COUNSELING CENTER SUMMER 2012 GRIEF NOTES “Heavy hearts, like M. BERNADINE PARKS, MS, PCC-S heavy clouds in the DIRECTOR, PATHWAYS OF HOPE sky, are best relieved As much as we love the warm, by the letting of a sunny days of summer, all of us realize that without the occasional little water.” shower, rainy day, or earth- soaking Just as the Antoine Rivarol thunderstorm, the lush greens and summer rains are riotous colors of the Ohio summer essential to our would soon disappear. “Dry spells” health and well being, troublesome to grieving people, are the find us searching the skies for heavy there is growing evidence type of tears that are shed in response clouds that hold hope for a much that human tears are to sadness, distress or physical pain. needed downpour. The oppressive likewise essential to Their chemical composition is markedly atmosphere that precedes the storm personal health and different from that of the basal and is soon replaced by the clear skies well-being. Scientists who reflex tears and appear to have a and crisp, fresh air that emerge when study human tears have function other than the protection of the the storm has run its course. Despite discovered that tears are eye itself. the annoyance associated with much more complex than It seems that these emotional tears disrupted plans, we recognize that the might appear at first glance; pack a pretty powerful punch, ridding temporary inconvenience of a summer so complex in fact, that they the body of stress induced chemicals storm is the necessary price to pay have identified three distinct that can be toxic to health if not flushed for beautiful blossoms and bountiful types of human tears. Basal tears from the body. We know that the stress harvests. Without the rains that and reflex tears serve to nourish and of grief can have a negative impact nurture the fields and forests and fill protect the eye from irritants and on our ability to fight off infection. It our rivers and lakes, life would not be bacteria and viruses. Emotional tears, sustainable. the tears that can at times seem so Continued on next page INSIDE PATHWAYS OF HOPE 2 Your Grief Is Not my 4 Save the Date for Our 6 Am I losing my mind? 324 Wilmington Avenue Grief Annual Remembrance Dayton, OH 45420 6 Grief Support Services Walk 2 Ambushed by Grief Available in Butler and (937) 258-4991 4 Grief Counseling Warren Counties (800) 653-4490 toll free 3 When Grief Enters the Services Come to (513) 422-0300 Butler and Life of a Teenager 7 How do I explain to a Wright Dunbar Warren Counties child? 4 Coping with the Death 5 Notes on Music: Music of a Parent 7 Frequently Asked www.hospiceofdayton.org and Transisition Questions on Grief www.hospiceofbutlerco.org 5 The House Is So Empty www.hospiceofwarrenco.org 8 Griever’s Bookshelf Now GRIEF NOTES Research into the “chemistry of emotional release, the tears of grief Continued from previous page crying” has likewise shown that, are an expected part of the grieving in addition to relieving stress by process. Giving yourself permission to seems that shedding some tears providing an outlet for painful experience the healing properties of also helps us shed stress induced feelings, a “good cry” can actually emotional tears will do much to ease hormones, thus protecting health elevate your mood, making you feel your grief journey. in the long run. Some writers have better. likened tears to the body’s pressure valve, allowing the body to restore Whatever their form, be it a brief itself to a healthy equilibrium. “shower” or a “thunderstorm” of AMBUSHED by GRIEF Do you ever feel like grief just wells us of our loss. Some have likened experience. While STUGs tend up and hits you unexpectedly? You them to “waves” of grief that may to greatly lessen over time, they may be having a “good” day and unexpectedly knock us off balance. never completely disappear. something is said, a song is heard, One writer has even suggested that The key is to remember that for a memory is rekindled and all of a we think of these experiences as all its suddenness, the grief sudden the grief just washes over “Grief Hugs” because they serve to surge is a temporary experience. you. These sudden grief attacks are remind us that love and memories of It quickly washes over us, and so common they even have a name. our loved one continue to be carried will soon wash away. At first within our hearts. these experiences may feel fairly A STUG reaction is a sudden, destabilizing, leading us to temporary, upsurgance of grief Common triggers are favorite songs, wonder if we are really making that is usually triggered by events, special days such as birthdays, any progress. With time and experiences or thoughts that remind anniversaries and holidays, movies or experience, we become more TV programs that touch our emotions, adept at regaining equilibrium a change in seasons or events or and recognizing STUGS for what milestones where the absence of a they are — reminders of love loved one is keenly felt. These STUG and loss. reactions are a normal part of the grief “If ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together…there is something you must remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.” A. A. Milne 2 WHEN GRIEF ENTERS THE LIFE OF A TEEnagER JONATHAN HAAG, LISW-S, ATR-BC Each year thousands of Bereaved teens often feel teenagers in the United States pressured to act as they are doing experience the death of someone better than they really are. One they love. When a parent, sibling, way this can happen is when a friend or relative dies, teens feel parent dies, many teens are told the painful loss of someone who by well meaning family members helped shape his or her self- to “be strong” and to “carry concept. Unless the feelings of on” for the surviving parent. grief are processed, these feelings The teen may be working very about the death can become a part hard to cope with his or her of their lives for years. own circumstances let alone the additional responsibility ADOLESCENCE CAN BE of supporting someone NATURally DIFFICULT else. Obviously, this kind of Teens are no longer children and they • SOCIAL CHALLENGES: situation complicates the teen’s “grief are not yet adults. Other than infancy, Changes in relationships with family work.” no developmental period has more and friends, wanting to be alone all Teens often need caring adults to tumultuous change than adolescence. the time, risk-taking behaviors such affirm that it is natural and healthy Leaving the stability of childhood, as drug and alcohol abuse, fighting, to feel sad as well as any number the adolescent begins the process and sexual experimentation or of different feelings after a loved of moving away from parents and promiscuity, denying pain while at one dies. Teens benefit from gentle forming a new sense of autonomy. The the same time acting overly strong or reminders that the pain they feel death of a loved one, then, can be a mature. right now will not go on forever, but particularly overwhelming experience • COGNITIVE AND SchOOL will slowly heal as they express their during this already complicated and CHALLENGES: Lack of concentration, feelings of grief. When teens receive challenging period. declining grades, academic failure the message “ignore your grief”, they or indifference to school-related or may suffer more from feeling isolated SIGNS A TEEN May NEED social activities, or over-activity and and alone in their grief than from the EXTRA HELP acting too busy in an effort to block actual death itself. Because grief can be particularly out the pain. WHAT HELPS difficult during the teenage years, it is • SpIRITUAL CHALLENGES: Anger with helpful to know what behaviors may God, concerns regarding the afterlife, Teens that are having a particularly signal that a teen is struggling with and questioning or loss of a belief hard time with grief may benefit from grief. Most teens do not have a large system, struggling with feelings of one or more of the many resources number of symptoms, but usually have forgiveness and guilt. available in most communities. some. Below are some grief symptoms School counselors, clergy, and private to be aware of: CARING ADULT’S ROLE therapists are appropriate resources. Peer grief support groups are one • EMOTIONAL challENGES: chronic How adults respond when a death depression, deep sadness, of the best ways to support grieving of a loved one occurs can have a teens as they naturally look to their consistent irritability, restlessness tremendous impact on the way a teen and low self esteem peers for affirmation of their feelings processes grief. At times adults may and experiences. At Pathways of • PHYSIcal CHALLENGES: Sleeping struggle themselves with the death Hope, teens can find support through difficulties or over sleeping, eating of a loved one and avoid talking one-on-one grief counseling, art too much or not at all, fatigue, about the death, believing that by therapy, family grief counseling, stomach and headaches as well as doing so teens will be spared some school-based grief support groups, other somatic complaints. of the pain and sadness. Adults who and group experiences such as Camp may be avoiding their own grief may Pathways and the Pathways Breakaway discourage teens from sharing their mini-camps.

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