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FRIDAY APRIL 23RD 2010 THE INDEPENDENT STUDENT NE SPAPER SINCE 1947 ISSUE NO 717 | VARSITY.CO.UK
JET PHOTOGRAPHIC Oxbridge state Exams school pupil intake on the cancelled amid rise travel chaos NICO A A T TT Figures published last week by the Higher Education Statistics Agency have shown an increase in the MML orals and mocks postponed after number of state school pupils getting students and exam ners left stranded into Oxford and Cambridge. In 2008-9, 54.7% of new pupils at a student of French and Italian at St Oxford and 59.3% of those at Cam- ATI O T John’s College, said: “I was stressing bridge came from state schools out about having an exam before the compared to 53.4% and 57% of the The start of the Easter term has been start of term and so I was absolutely previous year’s intake. disrupted for many students and aca- elated when I heard that it had been But despite the increase, both uni- demics due to the fl ight chaos caused postponed.” versities fell short of their target. For by the volcano eruption in Iceland. Other University-wide exams that 2008-09 this was just under 70%. Exams that were scheduled were scheduled for this week include Oxbridge were not the only uni- for this week were forced to be papers for Engineering part II, a versities to fall short of their target. cancelled as many lecturers and paper for part III Physics, prelimi- Other universities included Bris- students were unable to fl y back to nary exams for History part I, and tol, Durham, Exeter and Oxford the UK from their homes or holiday the exam for Master of Finance. Brookes. destinations. Students at St Catharine’s College The only Russell Group universi- All fi rst-year and some second-year received an email from their Senior ties to exceed their targets were MML students received an email last Tutor, reassuring those worried that Sheffield, Cardiff, Glasgow, Liv- Friday from their faculty informing the fl ight problems would not harm erpool, Southampton and Queen’s them that their oral exams, which their academic performance this University, Belfast. were to take place this Monday and term. A spokeswoman for University of Tuesday, had been postponed to a Students were told: “Please do Cambridge told the BBC: “The Uni- later date. NOT worry about missing examina- versity welcomes the way in which The exams take the form of a short tions, presentation deadlines or any this year’s performance indicators 15-minute discussion of an article in other scheduled academic commit- refl ect its efforts on widening partici- the foreign language studied. Some ment,” and, “you will not be penalized pation, with state sector admissions exams, such as Spanish orals, have for delays outside your control.” reaching a high point of 59.3%, up been rescheduled for two weeks time St Edmund’s College students sim- more than two percentage points on in mid-May. ilarly received a message from their the previous year’s fi gure.” Shannon Rainey, a fi rst-year MML Senior Tutor, reassuring them not to “Cambridge makes great efforts student at Christ’s College from Bel- worry as alternative arrangements to ensure that bright students from fast, had been unable to return to were being made. all backgrounds are admitted to the Cambridge. She said that it was a In addition to University-wide University,” she said, and Cambridge “relief” that the orals had been can- exams, many students were also is “committed to maintaining those celled as she would not have been scheduled to write mock exams Grand old Duke marches up hll efforts in the future”. able to make them. within their Colleges, which had to be tudents and staff at Fitzwilliam College were treated to a visit from “I had a fl ight booked for last Satur- rescheduled on a case-by-case basis. Sthe Chancellor of the University, HRH the Duke of Edinburgh, on > day but it was cancelled, so I booked The eruption of the volcano Monday as part of the offi cial opening ceremony for the New Library & Essayp11 6 another for Tuesday but that one was Eyjafjallajökull in Southern Ice- IT Centre. The building, which cost £5 million, was designed by Edward 1 cancelled too. The ferries are full and land has caused widespread chaos Mark Cullinan Architects. The library is expected to house 60,000 volumes, 2 0 it looks like I won’t be back until this in Europe, notably the cancellation McCrum 0
as well as spacious study space featuring stunning views of the College 4 weekend at the earliest. I emailed my of all UK fl ights, which were only 4 grounds. After a short ceremony, HRH went on a tour of the College The 4 tutor and they were really nice about fully resumed on Tuesday evening. and admired the new building. HRH has taken an active interest in the 8 5 it, luckily.” It was estimated that a million nustces of 7
development of the College: he was also present at the opening of the 1 Some students, however, have people were left stranded abroad in 7 Fitzwilliam Auditorium in 2002, as well as the College’s recent 125th ghost-wrtng 7
been very pleased about the post- the biggest disruption to air traffi c 9 anniversary. ELLEN DAVIS WALKER poning of the exams. Alice Kitcatt, since 9/11. 2 Friday April 23rd 2010 News Team Ma hew Sym ngton, Helen Mackreath and Osama S dd qu NES www vars ty co uk news@vars ty co uk
Jesus College to auction Union pole dancing Protesters disrupt off hand-crafted College lessons attract national international conference On vars ty co uk th s week oars used in the 1930s attention at King’s Jesus College has decided to auction The Cambridge Union’s decision Protesters attempted to disrupt COENT off fi ve hand-crafted wooden oars to offer pole dancing lessons has International Monetary Fund Read Laura Freeman’s reflect ons on two m cro- that were used in College races in the attracted national media attention, (IMF) Managing Director Domin- memor als to troops who have d ed n the M ddle 1930s. The oars, which are painted with renowned comedian and actor ique Strauss-Kahn’s talk at King’s East, and keep up w th the local elect on n Cambr dge and inscribed with the names of David Mitchell being the latest to College this month. The talk was w th Jam e Pollock College rowers, were made around criticize it. Writing in the Guardian the keynote address for the Insti- 1938. They will go up for auction on last Sunday, Mitchell labelled the tute for New Economic Thinking’s April 27th at Christie’s Interiors sale decision as “plain daft”, arguing that inaugural conference. The three-day in South Kensington. Items on the if the lessons are not intended to be conference, titled “The Economic ENTERTAINMENT auction lot include a George II Coffee sexual, as the Union claims, “Why Crisis and the Crisis in Economics”, Take a mus cal tr p to the 1960s w th Tom Roll ns, Pot, an early-Victorian gavel, and is it only for women? Shouldn’t men brought together over 150 business, and catch up on the past month of rad o news w th early 19th century glass goblets. get the chance to be empowered academic, and government policy Alasta r Beddow According to Mark Stephen, too?” leaders. The conference hoped to Specialist in Objects at Christie’s, Juan de Francisco, Union Ents investigate why prevalent economic “The oars are extremely unusual Officer, responded to Mitchell’s theory was unable to predict the looking and are proving to be claims, explaining, “The classes are economic and fi nancial crisis that NEWS popular. It looks as if the oars have womens-only because the instruc- emerged in 2007-2008. The protest Follow our cont nous news updates between now been passed around a tor has advised us that involved the unfurling of a banner and May Week for all you need to know about few dealers over the it is easier to teach that read “IMF is part of the what’s go ng on n Cambr dge years before coming single-sex classes, and problem, not the to us. They’re old also because, while solution.” but in nice condi- the classes aren’t tion and for people sexual, most prefer the VARSITV into the country- privacy.” Stay tuned to vars tv co uk th s exam term club look, will make The classes cost £2 for for more from Charl e Lyons and the the perfect addition.” Union members. As of C nd es Stor es team The oars are expected this week, the classes to fetch between £800 had completely sold out, and £1,200. prompting the Union to double capacity. Animal rights activists invade Downing Site as mark of protest Protestat on by An mal R ghts Cambr dge aga nst “fundamentally mmoral” an mal test ng
there are research students working in the past.” He went on to urge the research as “cruel, unnecessary evidence that animals are “more and N AC AT on the site. Cambridge to divert all funds being and fundamentally immoral”. She more like us in their needs and cogni- “People have a right to peaceful “squandered” on animal research to equated it to being “just like the tive ability”, which makes their use The Downing Site was besieged protest but not when it disrupts the funding for human-relevant testing slave trade”. for clinical research “more and more by activists from Animal Rights work at the university.” such as micro-dosing, DNA chips and Another protestor, Sue Hughes, inhumane”. Cambridge last Friday, who staged Campaigns follow on from a computer modelling. pointed out that a growing body of In their statement, the group a vociferous protest in conjunction 10-month undercover investigation One protestor, Joan Court, decried research is providing substantial strongly emphasize their support with the national University Vivisec- of the University by The British PAUL SMITH for human-relevant medical research tion Week of Action. Union for the Abolition of Vivisec- arguing that “being against animal The group, which has been in tion (BUAV), which secretly fi lmed research is about supporting operation since 1978, were protest- 400-500 marmoset monkeys impris- research that related directly to ing against research conducted at oned in small cages for the purpose human beings.” Cambridge University, which uses of primate brain research. Meanwhile, a University spokes- animals as human models for basic According to the BUAV, the woman said: “Good science and good and applied brain research. monkeys were deliberately brain animal welfare go hand in hand. The Brandishing signs and banners, damaged for a mixture of ‘basic UK has the most rigorous animal the activists used loudspeakers to research’, which aimed to fi nd out welfare regulations in the world. attract attention and handed out about the primate brain, and ‘applied “The University of Cambridge anti-animal experimentation fl yers research’, which tried to develop a has always adhered to these regula- to passers-by. Their protest lasted marmoset ‘model’ of human illnesses, tions and will continue to work to the several hours, before their eventual such as stroke and Parkinson’s highest possible standards of animal ejection by police after a stand-off disease. care. with security guards. Spokesman for the protest, Aran “Without animal research, which A University of Cambridge Mathai, argued that “These painful, is only used when there is no alter- spokesman said: “They were asked to cruel tests and barren sterile animal native; many treatments we take leave as they were disrupting college housing that cause animals to literally for granted today would not be business. Although it is not term time go mad with boredom belong fi rmly An mal R ghts Cambr dge protestors outs de the Down ng S te last Fr day possible.”
Varsity has been Cambridge’s independent student newspaper since 1947 and distributes 10,000 free copies to every Cambridge College, to ARU and around Cambridge each week. Vars ty w ll be back on May 14th Get involved E-Mus & L-Tuf ed tor@vars ty co uk Big Chiller assoc ate@vars ty co uk & ‘Yeah, noo, yeah, noo’ Smith magaz ne@vars ty co uk Zingeist Tsjengstar d g tal@vars ty co uk Basshunter news@vars ty co uk Helen ‘sympathies with undisclosed Palestinian Islamic paramilitary organisation’ Mackreath & I Holt news@vars ty co uk Charizard Runcie comment@vars ty co uk El Shamblas & Thornton’s Chocolatiers sport@vars ty co uk joe pitt-rashid; very clever. very nice. features@vars ty co uk To f nd out how to get nvolved The Dumpford and Dunge Farm Twins arts@vars ty co uk Prudence Dean theatre@vars ty co uk David ‘I hate China’ Clegg rev ews@vars ty co uk w th Vars ty or Vars TV n May Matilda Bathtub, ‘I know, right!’ Nicolaou & The Wu-ster fash on@vars ty co uk Week or M chaelmas 2010, v s t The Gatzenator, ‘Hokey-Cokey’ Okey-Dokey & James ‘Squishy’ Wilson sen orreporter@vars ty co uk Dr Strangelove sc ence@vars ty co uk Rosie Muller Fruit Corner food@vars ty co uk No pun relating to Charlie Brooker, Cigarettes & Chapman, Stephen Dedalus, Kate Middleton, Kir Royale, Yay Dot Inlet, Extremely Harsh & ‘You’re Beautiful’ theatrecr t c@vars ty co uk Elle Macpherson, ‘Fro, Severus Snape & Scott with the car mus c@vars ty co uk Anderson Cooper & Me, Will Self, and I f lm@vars ty co uk www vars ty co uk/obs D’Gold ‘n’ D’Bronze ‘n’ D’Silva v sualarts@vars ty co uk Less than Zeljka l terary@vars ty co uk One-time biscuit deliverer laura freeman@vars ty co uk Phillipops Garner vtv@vars ty co uk Lord Rothschild & Mike TV vtv@vars ty co uk Alan ‘Dude’ Young vtv@vars ty co uk Colmless product on@vars ty co uk Arthur the Aardvark & Angelina Ballerina subed tor@vars ty co uk Varsity returns I UL Crudge, Hire Monkeys, Zero Jeep & Charlotte See-well subed tor@vars ty co uk Spenny Spooner des gner@vars ty co uk ‘I need my lunch!’ Malcolm Tucker bus ness@vars ty co uk Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof. Peter Robinson, Dr Tim Harris, Mr Chris Wright, Mr Michael Derringer, Mr Elliot Ross, Mr Patrick Kingsley (VarSoc President), Miss Anna Trench, Mr Hugo Gye, Mr Michael Stothard, Miss Clementine Dowley, Mr Robert Peal, Mr Christopher Adriaanse, E-Mus & L-Tuf Look out for the m d-term ed t on NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT Vars ty, Old Exam nat on Hall, Free School Lane, Cambr dge CB2 3RF Tel 01223 337575 Fax 01223 760949 Vars ty s publ shed by Vars ty Publ cat ons Ltd Vars ty Publ cat ons also publ shes BlueSc and The Mays of Vars ty com ng to a plodge near RECYCLING Recycled paper made ©2010 Vars ty Publ cat ons Ltd All r ghts reserved No part of th s publ cat on may be reproduced, stored n a retr eval system or transm ed n any form or by any means electron c, mechan cal photocopy ng, record ng or up 87.2% of the raw you on May 14th material for UK newspapers in 2008 otherw se w thout pr or perm ss on of the publ sher Pr nted at Il e Pr nt Cambr dge — W nsh p Road, M lton, Cambr dge CB24 6PP on 48gsm UPM Ma Paper Reg stered as a newspaper at the Post O ce ISSN 1758-4442 NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT RECYCLING News Team: Matthew Symington, Helen Mackreath and Osama Siddiqui Friday April 23rd 2010 3 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NewSS
Charles Students caught in volcano travel mayhem Kennedy visits As term begins, hundreds of students and academics are left stranded abroad Cambridge to boost Lib Dems Miss Zumalacárregui, “but there’s richard moore nothing I can do about it”. Other students accepted the A large number of Cambridge inconvenience with similar stoicism, tom blackburn students and staff have been caught and attempted to make the most of up in the travel disruption caused the situation by studying at home In the wake of the unexpected by the cloud of volcanic ash floating and sampling university facilities Liberal Democrat poll surge, Charles over Europe. available in other countries. Olesya Kennedy arrived in Cambridge on The grounding of flights left Kryshevich, a linguistics student Thursday morning for a whistle-stop students marooned in cities as far from Austria, gave up on her flight rally. He was greeted with cheers away as Helsinki, Istanbul and and joined the queue to get into the and orange placards in the market Prague, with no easy options for university library in Vienna. “It’s square, and appeared in high spirits. getting back to Cambridge. Sixty only been open for 10 minutes, and all Speaking to the crowd, notably students from Homerton College the desks are occupied already. I’m on foreign policy, he compared the have so far been unable to return, ninth on the waiting list. I’ll never Lib Dem stance on Trident to their and 19 students from Downing are complain about the UL again.” opposition to the Iraq war. “Once still stranded. Academic staff have also been again, Labour and the Tories are Many students have risen to the affected by the ash cloud. Four cosying up, with the Lib Dems taking challenge of the disruption, devis- lecturers from the Department a stand. Our heart as well as our head ing sophisticated plans to return of German who were attending a is with the armed forces,” he said. to Cambridge without the use of workshop on Weimar at the Univer- After a walkabout and meet- aeroplanes. sity of California, Berkeley, were and-greet in the market, Kennedy One student who was trapped unable to return. Other academics answered questions from reporters in Northern Ireland is reported to are enjoying unexpectedly lengthy and the public. Speaking to Varsity have taken a ferry before hitching sojourns in such distant locations as at the end of the rally, he attacked a cross-land ride to Glasgow with Hyderabad, Dubai, Hong Kong, and Conservative claims that a vote for the Rangers F. C. fans’ bus, then Australia. the Lib Dems will result in a hung heading south on a train. Eyjafjallajökull volcano, students waiting in Istanbul, and Gare du Nord in Paris The disruption has affected the parliament and allow Labour to retain A student at Murray Edwards staff of Downing College particu- power: “What a pathetic way to run College, stuck in Hamburg, scoured trip across Europe, which included with their families, have been partic- larly acutely: nine of its fellows were a general election campaign. They’re the entire Channel coastline, from detours to Basel and Brussels. The ularly affected by the air traffic ban. stuck overseas for extended periods not saying vote for us because you Esbjerg to Le Havre, in search of an group spent £400 each on their Paula Zumalacárregui Martínez, of time. believe in us...they’re saying vote for available berth on a cross-channel convoluted journey back, which who normally studies in Madrid, The ash cloud was created by us because with anyone else a plague ferry. more than doubled the cost of their was due to fly back on Monday, but the eruption of a volcano under the will descend upon the nation. Frankly, For a group of St Catharine’s short break in Turkey. was told that she would not be able Eyjafjallajökull glacier in Iceland. they’re in a state of panic.” students, the ordeal of returning The University’s Erasmus to fly until April 26th at the earli- Geologists are unable to predict Speaking to Varsity, Nick Hillman, to Cambridge from Istanbul lasted exchange students, many of whom est. “I’m not going to be back in how long the volcano will continue Conservative parliamentary candi- for four days, and involved a frantic spent the Easter vacation at home time [for the start of term],” said to send ash into the atmosphere. date for Cambridge, countered the accusations proffered by Kennedy, describing it as “a slur on our campaign that does not equate to the Drastic reduction in job security on the cards for Dons facts”. He argued that, “In Cambridge, and elsewhere, we are running a hundred years, Cambridge academ- positive campaign, which shows we osama siddiqui ics have been responsible for have the best proposals to fix our disruptive innovations that have broken economy, our broken society University of Cambridge staff are changed the world again and again. and our broken politics.” on the brink of a contentious debate We have a long tradition of shelter- Daniel Zeichner, Labour parlia- with University authorities over ing troublemakers, from Erasmus to mentary candidate for Cambridge, questions of job security and terms Keynes and Turing. was unavailable for comment. of employment. “The University must not acquire michAel derringer Kennedy nevertheless sees an Regent House, the self-governing the power to sack staff easily – that uphill struggle for the Lib Dems: body of the University’s nearly 4,000 might tempt the authorities to ask “We’re up against the vagaries of an academic and academic-related staff, us to lean on whoever’s asking the election system that’s being discred- began voting this week on two ballot embarrassing questions.” ited for the absurdity that it is. It’s measures that aim to reform Statute Professor Gillian Evans of the risible that a party can come third U—the set of guidelines that govern Faculty of History agreed. “There in terms of votes and first in terms dismissal, disciplinary, and grievance is huge and justified anger over this of seats.” procedures for University officers. because it is seen as a power-grab by Kennedy also confided his belief Current rules dictate that redun- ‘Human Resources’ and an assault that this will be the last election dancies to academic staff can only be on old traditions of freedom to teach conducted under first past the post, made following two separate votes in and think and write without being and so sees the position of the Lib Regent House: the first to approve, thrown out for your opinions.” Cambridge Dons in the Senate House Dems improving in the future. in principle, that job cuts will be Proponents of the changes, on freedom or the democratic proce- an excuse to introduce more radical made, and the second to approve the the other hand, view them as neces- dures of the University.” changes. The group Campaign for specific list of staff to be sacked. sary to modernize the University’s The proposed changes also seek Cambridge Freedoms, which seeks Under the new proposal, Univer- employment conditions. to reform the ways in which staff to unify opposition to the propos- sity authorities would only need a Professor William Brown, Master grievances are adjudicated. als, saw the reform as an attempt to 52 Trumpington Street single vote to approve that redun- of Darwin College and Montague According to Professor Brown, “push redundancies through on the Cambridge CB2 1RG dancies are to be made. The list of Burton Professor of Industrial “At present grievances and disci- coat-tails of dissatisfaction about the positions to be cut would no longer Relations, leads the committee plinary processes are depressingly grievance procedures.” FREE CHELSEA BUN be up for a vote. charged with reviewing Statute U. slow, and delay is demoralising for The debate over procedures With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop Opponents fear that the new He explained that, “These reforms everyone. So I expect that a new concerning redundancies is especially OR proposals could restrict academic are basically about bringing the right of appeal against decisions of relevant at a time when the govern- FREE MORNING freedom by making it easier to sack University’s procedures for dealing heads of departments will alleviate ment seems poised to make deep those who hold controversial views. with its academic staff more in line the occasional blight that descends cuts in education budgets. COFFEE/TEA (9am-12pm) Professor Ross Anderson, Profes- with what contemporary employ- on departments when they have Voting on the proposals will take With any cake or pastry in the restaurant sor of Security Engineering, is ment law expects.” internal problems.” place via paper ballot. Ballots were on presentation of this voucher a leading critic of the propos- He added, “There are no adverse Critics, however, claim that the sent out this week and are expected and proof of student status als. According to him, “For eight consequences for either academic reform of grievance procedures is to be returned on May 7th. 4 Friday April 23rd 2010 News Team: Matthew Symington, Helen Mackreath and Osama Siddiqui NeWS www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]
Andrew Hamilton Students aim to punt from Cambridge to Oxford 1988-2010 Twelve-day journey planned to help raise money for ‘Help for Heroes’
When asked whether the trip was jessie waldman an attempt to salve rivalry between the two towns, Andy replied: “We’ve Four Cambridge students are heard some pretty wild stories about currently training hard for a heroic what they get up to at the Other attempt to punt to Oxford. Place – crazy things like using the Second year Engineering students wrong end of the boat and aluminum Toby Dickens and Andy Marshall, poles. and History student Karl Williams, “We intend to put the record Third-year Jesus Historian all of St John’s College, along with straight, and show the world that Andrew Hamilton died on Queens’ Natural Scientist Becky Kiff they’re not so different from us, after February 26th. His friends will be the first people ever to com- all.” wrote the following tribute: plete the 204 mile puntathon. They will not, however, be suc- The expedition will take 12 days, cumbing to Oxford’s strange punting ell-known for his crossing 113 locks along the way. It techniques, and insist that they will sharp wit and lucid also involves venturing through a be propelling the boat from ‘the Cam- Wintelligence – his mile-long tunnel. bridge end’. academic skill was respected by The route was calculated using According to them, the Cambridge peers and supervisors alike – Google Earth, and will take the technique “requires more skill and Andrew was always a friendly students along the River Cam, the balance than standing in the boat, as presence around Jesus College Great Ouse, the Middle Level Navi- Oxford would have you do it, but we and the History Faculty. An gations, the River Nene, the Grand value our punters and think they all avid attendee of everything Union Canal, the Oxford Canal and deserve a pedestal to stand on.” from lectures and History the River Cherwell. The voyage is not just a test of Society events to concerts, The crew plans to set off on June upper arm strength and Pimms theatre performances, formals, 19th and are hoping to arrive in drinking capacity. The crew aims to dancing classes, and May Balls, Oxford by June 30th. raise £2,000 for ‘Help for Heroes’, a he truly made the most of all For maximum efficiency, the four- charity supporting injured service- that Cambridge has to offer. some will take turns to punt through men from the British Armed Forces. Above all, Andrew was a the night. They plan to travel for at Between January 2006 and Feb- gentle, kind and generous least 14 hours each day, sleeping on ruary 2010 more than 3,400 military presence in the lives of all the punt, or on campsites along the and civilian personnel were admit- who knew him, and to his route. ted to UK field hospitals. The team’s Toby Dickens, Andy Marshall, and Karl Williams punt past Trinity College closest friends his loss is truly The ambitious quartet are cur- blog explains: “We wanted to do heart-breaking. The sorrow rently challenging the rowers as the this to support all of the brave men occasioned by his passing is keenest sportsmen on the River Cam: and women in the forces who have a powerful testament to the “We’ve instituted a strict regime of been wounded in service because Student outrage at Labour joy, love and good humour he our own. From now on there’s early they rarely get the recognition they brought into our lives. morning punt training for two hours, deserve.” at 6.30am. We’ll be doing this every The punters are excited by what candidate’s Union gaffe weekday morning come rain or shine Marshall describes as “turning the Cambridge Union A memorial service for Andrew unless we don’t want to.” laziest pastime in Cambridge into an will be held in Jesus College In August 2004, three Oxford adventure”. Asked to describe the helen mackreath Chapel on Wednesday April 28th, students successfully punted from journey in three words, he proffered: at 9pm. Oxford to Cambridge in 14 days. “making ‘impossible’ ‘improbable’”. A Facebook campaign calling for Daniel Zeichner to retract a state- ment linking the party of the Polish President to Fascism has been cre- Emmanuel College win University ated by a Cambridge student. Daniel Zeichner, Cambridge’s Labour parliamentary candidate, Challenge made the comparison during a debate at the Cambridge Union in early street signs and linguistics. The 19-year-old became an unlikely March. He described the Polish Law david pegg Even the notoriously demanding Internet sensation and hit national and Justice Party, which, although host Jeremy Paxman was impressed headlines after a celebrated exchange not the governing party in Poland, Zeichner’s Nazi imitation at the Union Emmanuel College claimed victory by Emmanuel’s performance, calling between himself and Paxman. When counted recently deceased Presi- Freedom Party – some people who in the final episode of the 2010 series it “astonishing”. Paxman told Guttenplan “good dent Lech Kaczynski as a member, think that the best thing to do on a of University Challenge tonight, The first Oxbridge final in several guess” after the student correctly as “Fascists”, and accompanied the Sunday morning is to go out and steamrollering over the competing years was heavily hyped by national answered a question on W.H. Auden, remark with a Hitler moustache and celebrate the achievements of the team from St John’s College, Oxford. media due to Guttenplan’s encyclo- Guttenplan calmly replied, “It wasn’t Nazi salute imitation. Waffen SS in the last war”. He went The winning team, comprising paedic knowledge and Internet fame. a guess.” When prompted further, Zeichner on to propound: “it is shameful that a Andy Hastings, Jenny Harris, Josh went on to equate David Cameron’s leader of a major British party in this Scott and led by Alexander Gutten- Conservative Party with the Nazis. country has got anything to do with plan won 315-100, the highest score The comparison occurred in the these Fascists across Europe.” attained by any team in the finals Union election debate: “This House Gavin Rice’s Facebook campaign, for the past six years. The team was believes the Conservatives are ready “Zeichner must apologise NOW” also the highest-scoring team of the to run the country again”. Mr Zeich- rebukes Zeichner not only for his entire season, with an average of 270 ner criticized David Cameron for “tasteless and scandalous” comments, points per round. taking Conservative MEPs out of the but also for the confusion which led Poet Laureate and Honorary federalist European People’s Party to him incorrectly referring to the Fellow of Homerton College, Carol (EPP group), which brings together Polish party as the “Law and Order Ann Duffy, presented the team with centre pro-European political forces Freedom Party”, which is an amal- the trophy and praised their “com- from the member states of the EU, gam of the Latvian “For Fatherland prehensive” victory. Their win is the and instead joining the European and Freedom Party” and the actual first for Cambridge in 15 years. Conservatives and Reformists Polish Law and Justice Party. St John’s briefly seized the lead (ECR), which is a Eurosceptic group Writing on the website, Rice calls early in the game with a round on in the European Parliament. for the Labour Party to “dissoci- Mexican history, but Emmanuel Zeichner attacked Cameron for ate themselves from his remarks” soon returned to pole position after pulling out of an alliance with Angela and for Zeichner to “give an imme- correctly answering questions on Merkel and instead, “finding some diate public apology”. Zeichner was medieval French provinces, dialectic The Emmanuel College team celebrate after winning University Challenge people in the Polish Law and Order unavailable for comment. News Team: Matthew Symington, Helen Mackreath and Osama Siddiqui Friday April 23rd 2010 5 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NeWSS University’s investments called into question CUSU call for withdrawal of University funds from BAE, Rio Tinto Group and Shell
tuition fees being invested in attended protests against unethical the Sudanese government without A spokesman said: “The Univer- richard moore companies whose commitment to investment in March of last year, and benefiting the Sudanese population, sity holds much of its exposure to human rights and the environment an independent survey of students and whose business practices may equity markets through index funds, Concerns have been raised by has been called into question. “My showed that more than 50% were in be contributing to the humanitarian index futures or exchange traded CUSU about the ethical record of experience is that many students favour of divestment from arms com- crisis in Darfur. Pembroke College funds with the same purpose – funds some companies that receive invest- are very concerned about the Uni- panies. Campaigners have already sold its shares in arms companies invested to track the performance of ment funding from the University of versity’s investments,” she said. been successful in persuading some some years ago. the stock market indices by holding Cambridge. “They are interested in the des- Colleges to divest from companies The University, however, has passively the securities in the index, Late in March, CUSU’s Socially tination of their tuition fees, and that are linked to ethically question- defended its investment policy, in the same proportions as the index. Responsible Investment (SRI) are shocked that the University is able practices. stating that, since investments are Such index funds or futures are held campaign succeeded in releasing allowed to invest in companies that Both Murray Edwards and St chiefly made through index funds, to gain broad equity investment at information from the University commit human rights abuses.” Catharine’s Colleges no longer sup- its input into the selection of specific minimal cost. about the recipients of its investment More than 100 demonstrators port companies that help to support securities is minimal. “Individual securities are not funding. hAnh TUnG Chow selected by the University or the For a long time, the University had index fund manager, but are deter- refused to disclose this information mined by the constituents of the to CUSU, claiming that its commer- particular stock market index. Inevi- cial interests would be prejudiced by tably, the University has indirect doing so. The legality of this claim exposure to those companies making was challenged by CUSU earlier this up those stock market indices.” year. The University’s official policy on The data revealed that Univer- ethical investing, which was intro- sity funds are being used to support duced in July of last year, states that companies whose stances on ethical the prime objective of investments issues have been subject to doubt. is to maximise returns in order to Amongst others, the list of compa- maintain the University’s financial nies receiving investment from share stability. It also notes, however, that indices supported by the University ethical considerations may, in some includes Rio Tinto Group, which has cases, outweigh this. been criticized by a British charity CUSU’s proposed solution to the for alleged human rights violations, issue is to invest solely in funds with Royal Dutch Shell, which Amnesty ethical investment policies, such as International UK accuses of commit- the Jupiter Ecology Fund, which ting human rights abuses in Nigeria, invests in ethical businesses and and BAE Systems, which has sold has recently enjoyed higher growth arms to the governments of Zimba- than standard indices without a spe- bwe and Saudi Arabia. cific ethics policy. Bryony Hopkinshaw, the CUSU “Running [a university] is by no SRI Officer, claims that students means incompatible with investing are uncomfortable with their Protesters demonstrate against ‘unethical’ investment outside the Senate House ethically,” said CUSU’s SRI Officer. Leading historian of Russian Revolution embroiled in reviews scandal
from the website. reviewer had left highly favourable the position clear.” the incident “fascinating” said, “It’s osama siddiqui Among the other scholars who reviews of Professor Figes’ works. None of the parties involved could very easy to get carried away online. found themselves on the receiving Writing about his 2007 book, The be reached for comment. However, a We should be more forgiving; every- An extraordinary academic contro- end of Historian’s scorching critiques Whisperers: Private Life in Stalin’s first-year history student who found one makes mistakes.” versy, involving top scholars from was Robert Service, Professor of Russia, Historian gushed that the Cambridge, Oxford, and London Russian History at Oxford, whose work was “beautiful and necessary” came to a head this week amidst dra- 2009 biography of Leon Trotsky was with “superb story-telling”. matic revelations. lambasted as being “rubbish” and Dr Polonsky decided to notify Pro- Professor Orlando Figes of the “an awful book”. fessor Service, who sent an email Department of History, Classics, Dr Polonsky’s suspicions grew fur- to a number of influential academ- and Archaeology at Birbeck College, ther when she noticed that the same ics and scholars around the country, London, revealed that the anonymous PA ARChivE/PRESS ASSoCiATion imAGE denouncing the anonymous reviews VOTE online reviewer trashing the works as “unpleasant personal attacks in of his rivals was, in fact, his wife, Dr the old Soviet fashion”. Stephanie Palmer, herself a Senior He added, “Gorbachev banned Lecturer of Law at Cambridge. anonimki from being used in the According to Professor Figes’ USSR as a way of tearing up some- GREEN lawyer, the professor had no knowl- one’s reputation. Now the grubby edge of his wife’s involvement in the practice has sprouted up here.” matter. As Professor Figes was included The startling saga began last week in the list of people who received the when renowned scholar of Rus- email, he immediately went to his sian history and culture Dr Rachel own defence, denying that he had PARTY Polonsky noticed that an anonymous any connection to the anonymous reviewer using the moniker ‘Histo- attacks. Professor Figes also con- rian’ had left scathing reviews of her tacted Amazon, who confirmed that new book, Molotov’s Magic Lantern, he was not behind the reviews. on the Amazon UK website, calling it Nevertheless, Dr Polonsky decided Scrap tuition fees “dense”, “pretentious”, and the “sort to seek legal representation to obtain of book that makes you wonder why a court order to reveal the identity of it was ever published”. the reviewer. Proportional representation Upon further investigation, Dr The story came to a stunning con- Polonsky discovered that the same clusion last Friday when Professor Action on climate change reviewer had been writing disparag- Figes’ lawyer released a statement ing reviews for several years, some saying, “My client’s wife wrote the Invest in jobs and the economy of them under a secondary moni- reviews. My client has only just found ker called ‘Orlando-Birbeck’. The out about this, this evening. Both he Promoted by M. Wright, 4 Corona Rd, Cambridge, on behalf of the Cambridge Green reviews have since then been deleted Orlando Figes and his wife are taking steps to make Party, both PO Box 703, Cambridge, CB1 0NZ 6 Friday April 23rd 2010 News Team Ma hew Sym ngton, Helen Mackreath and Osama S dd qu NNE S www vars ty co uk news@vars ty.co.uk
NEWS INTERVIEW Hi! Society Europe’s big green opportunity Naom O’Leary talks to Bo D czfalusy, speaker at the EU’s Susta nable Energy Week, about why Europe’s great green gamble w ll pay d v dends
Energy historian John Perlin sees European energy system will Beijing Olympics. In the to export sustainable energy Real Ale Society the history of civilization as one look entirely different,” he says. background, German company technology.” This is a group of long struggle over resources. Ask “Renewables will form a substan- Odersun was contracted to make ten industry leaders who have him about any contemporary issue, tial part of it.” the solar cells for the roofs of the pooled together their expertise True beer or not true beer? and he’ll tell you it all happened Diczfalusy was a speaker at the Olympic Park. In 2009, Obama’s and plan to turn up the pressure To get to the bottom of this before. “3000 years ago the EU Sustainable Energy Week stimulus package aimed to kick- for the regulation required for a pint-sized conundrum, the Pharaoh came to Lebanon where 2010, which took place in Brussels start the home economy. But pan-European energy grid based Cambridge University Real all the trees grew and demanded from March 22th-26th. Despite the lion’s share of the total sum on renewables. Ale Society meets every week to have his timber,” the professor what might be expected given Siemens is one of them. The in a different Cambridge pub. explains. “The prince laughed at the outcome of Copenhagen, he problem to be addressed for The society of about 80 him and said, ‘It is you who need reports that spirits at the event “Renewable the Supergrid to work, explains members was set up for the my timber, I don’t need anything were high. “It was exciting to hear Siemens’ Alfons Benzinger, is not appreciation of real ale, a that you have.’ This is the situa- the optimism,” he says. “A year energy will need a technological challenge, but one connoisseur’s drink, helping tion Europe is in with Russia and ago the main policy message was of cross-national integration. “At them to discover new ales. natural gas. What you are depen- green growth or green technology technological skill, the moment it wouldn’t be possible For those not in the know, real dent on can always be stopped.” as a means to achieve Copenhagen. to bring the offshore energy ales are not your bog-standard Perlin has a point. The inter- Now it’s talked about as a means to good innovation produced in the UK to Germany,” lager. The fermentation ruption of natural gas supplies to bring about a meaningful economic systems; but also he explains. “The systems don’t process is different, produc- 18 European countries in January recovery.” fi t together. The problem we have ing a more natural and varied 2009 due to a spat between Russia So far, Europe has had a head the cultural will, to solve is to harmonise it. But taste. CURAS is not another and the Ukraine was a chilly start in the renewables industry. from the technological side it’s not drinking society however; if wakeup call to the reality of energy In 2008, the world heralded China’s the consciousness a problem. We already have the you try to get drunk on ale you dependence. “According to all the symbolic entry onto technology to make it happen.” usually just fall asleep. forecasts there are, this the world of the consumers, Siemens is also a founding When I met up with the dependence will increase,” stage with member of German-lead Desertec, president of CURAS, Rob says Bo Diczfalusy, head the the people and the which has its headquarters in Bell, to hear more about the of the International politicians. This is Berlin. Desertec, founded in society it was, inevitably, over Energy Agency’s 2008, hopes to harness the solar a pint of his favourite (Nelson’s (IEA) sustainable Europe’s chance.” energy of the Sahara with wind Revenge) in The Pickerel. energy director- power in a vast international grid Wearing the president’s tradi- ate. “If we don’t allocated for wind power projects for Europe, the Middle East and tional, oversized beer-glass do anything, was whisked away by Spanish North Africa. Benzinger thinks hat, Rob told me that the more and more company Iberdola. A slightly Desertec and the Supergrid can society aims to debunk the energy has to be smaller slice of the pie went to be complimentary initiatives: “In common view that real ale is imported from Horizon Wind Energy, owned by the summer for example, you get an “old man’s drink”. not the most Portugal’s EDP Renováveis. higher solar energy but less wind,” Admittedly dominated stable political Likewise, Italy’s Enel Green he says, “they could work very by male scientists, Rob said regions. This Power was granted over 61 well together: one in the north and that the fast-growing society issue of security million USD for its Nevada- one in the south.” does have a female follow- of supply is a based geothermal plants. For the Diczfalusy is optimistic about ing of roughly 20-30% and political driver moment at least, European renew- what sustainable energy could is particularly popular with towards fi nding ables are ahead of the game. “Of mean for Europe. Renewable grad students and Ameri- renewable course there is an obvious risk for energy, he says, could be the way cans who labour under the solutions.” Europe that they will be bypassed for Europe to keep up a strong common misconception that Diczfalusy can in the coming years,” says Diczfa- presence on the world stage: “If their country doesn’t have already envision a lusy. “In terms of volumes, China not a superpower, a strong power,” any real ale. A great society future of renewable and the United States are impres- he says. “It’s a promising avenue to take an interest in during energy for Europe. sive. But Europe is still the world for keeping Europe as an impor- exam term, the meets are “When you and leader in green technology.” tant economic region of the world. informal and frequent. “It’s I speak ten or Though eurosceptics tend to We will certainly not be able to not a late night out,” Rob said, twenty years cite cacophonous disunity as the compete in mass production, unlike “but it gives you a chance to from now EU’s main weakness, Diczfalusy China and India. But the renew- chill out and take a break.” the sees such ‘artistic differences’ able energies market will need a The society also organ- as Europe’s strength: “Differ- lot of technology skill and good ises occasional trips to local ent parts of Europe have been innovation systems; but also the breweries such as The Milton champions in different sections. cultural will, the consciousness and their now annual all-you- Denmark in wind energy, Spain in of the consumers, the people and can-drink garden party in solar energy, Sweden in biomass,” the politicians. This is Europe’s May Week. Membership can he explains. “This allowed a chance.” also guarantee you free entry number of successful examples John Perlin has read it all before to local beer festivals set up to grow and compete, rather on the pages of history: “Caesar by the Cambridge branch of than the centre of power thought that the forests of Central CAMRA (Campaign for Real trying to be a champion at Europe were inexhaustible. We Ale). everything. My hope is that know today that that’s not so. The society wants to become these kinds of championships The Americans and the English more active in the future, can be integrated.” thought that the forests of North however, with plans to host Business ears have America were inexhaustible, and more trips, competitions and pricked at the prospect of we learned that they were not also. pub quizzes as well as unusual a green solution to get out The mirage of inexhaustibility is beer tastings and pub crawls. of the red. This March, the story of civilisation: the only To fi nd out more check out the formation of the solution is to develop renewable their website (http://www. ‘Friends of the Supergrid’ energy that has no end”. Perhaps srcf.ucam.org/realale). OLIVIA was announced as “a this time round, technology can CRELLIN global opportunity for provide a different ending to the European companies story. News Team Ma hew Sym ngton, Helen Mackreath and Osama S dd qu Friday April 23rd 2010 7 news@vars ty co uk www vars ty co uk NE SS
VARSITY PROFILE Cambridge Deaglan McEachern Spies CUBC Pres dent who turned the t de on a str ng of Cambr dge defeats GETTY IMAGES Being given the task of breaking the the forceful Any Given Sunday style two year stint of Dark Blue domina- briefi ng and start a rowing career, I tion in the Boat Race, with a crew shift the conversation away from the placed second in the betting shops, boathouse. Off the water, aside from would strike doubt and crippling his possibly euphemistically named concern into the hearts of most hobby of birdwatching, Deaglan is a rowers. This year’s 6’5” fi fteen stone self confessed “politics junkie” and CUBC president Deaglan McEach- when I’m told he worked on Obama’s ern, on the other hand, has that presidential campaign his earnest, all-American ability to take stress composed style all makes sense. and responsibility and turn it into The one president does not inten- determination. tionally mimic the other and there This man exudes confi dence, and are some important differences - Ode to Double-Beds when he tells me with a certain poise “Obama is probably a lot cooler than and sincerity, “I don’t know what I am” – however some similarity You know you’ve heard this tale the bookies were doing, we never is admitted, “Obama is not really before – the drunken cad, the thought we were the underdogs”, I an inspirational leader but a quiet, tipsy whore. can’t fail to believe him. moderate guy who knows how to get They made it to his room The more I ask him about April stuff done… I feel like we are both alright, slurring, swaying, 3rd the more blindingly obvious it workers.” clearly tight. becomes that for Deaglan the Boat When it comes to British politics The kit came off, the lights Race was far more than just another there is less of a connection; turned low and what came next chance to bolster his trophy cabinet unimpressed by the fi rst TV debate, you surely know. (one which already boasts silver- McEachern dubs Cameron as “disin- But then next morn, memory ware from winning the double and genuous”, whilst Brown is simply blurred, a funny, awkward thing quadruple sculls at the US nation- “anaemic”. He grudgingly states “I occurred. als and bronze medals in the same guess I would vote for Clegg.” Off to the loo popped this events at the 2007 Pan American Before I am allowed to stray too hanging chick, thumping head – Games). far from the sport of his life, conver- feeling sick. The simple win-or-lose format sation comes back to the water. Then on her way back to bed of the event makes it all the more Predicting Cambridge’s future, she knew not where that corri- testing, but subsequently the taste Deaglan sees success; the system dor led. of victory is that much sweeter. As of returning Goldies is “what we To her lover’s room did she go he explains, “I’ve never outright won do better than Oxford” and their back? Or to his lucky neighbour’s something before… with competi- win was all important. This is not a sack? tions like the Pan American Games guess on his part but veritable fact Beneath the sheets, she felt there are layers of victory but with wrapped in a pseudo-political sound fi ne. Morning loving’s the very the Boat Race there is no way you bite: “Winning breeds winning, when best kind. can justify losing.” you lose you only know how to lose.” So breakfast turned out Worried that I might be taken in by ED THORNTON somewhat odd. Her original man emerged on his tod. Recognising his conquest from the night before, this gal’s behaviour he did deplore. UniversityWatch So now we’ve seen the very worst of what results from alcohol thirst. Yale University James Madison University Princeton University Ode to Men-Struation
Yale Alumni Magazine has reported that Last Friday morning found the premises iPads have been outlawed on the Princeton This is the tale of a strange, sexual relations between students of the of The Breeze, the student newspaper of campus. The regulation has come into play strange boy, who had some university and faculty members are now James Madison University, raided by po- as the new tablet computers use an IP ad- trouble with his wee toy. During a session of one-man offi cially banned. Until now, affairs were lice. On April 10th, an off-campus party dress that has caused the university’s net- game, he found it spout red when near the Virginian campus turned into a only outlawed where the member of staff work to malfunction and interfered with the moment came. had “direct pedagogical or supervisory re- riot of drunken, violent celebrators. Many other uses. By April 18th it was said to `Stead of ringing the Doc to sponsibilities” over the student and this were injured and arrested and cars and have affected 25 devices on campus out of put this right, he went out on the qualifi cation will still apply where the stu- houses were damaged. After The Breeze 41. The interference can be solved by dis- town that very night. dent is a graduate or professional. For 27 published photographs of the atrocities, in- engaging the wireless network Scoring lucky, as is his way, he years now, Deputy Provost, Charles Long, vestigating police authorities altogether or by turning it off brought a lady back to stay. has been insisting that many such relation- contacted them for further, totally between uses. A more And only once safe in bed, did ships have proved destructive. He told the unpublished photographs. permanent solution comes in he recall the fl ow of red. Afraid of how his lover’d react, magazine: “I think we have a responsibility The student Editor-in-Chief, the form of an amendment to he decided to make this a bit of to protect students from behavior that is Katie Thisdell, told investiga- the iPhone/ iMac operating an act. damaging to them and to the objectives for tors of their policy to release system. Contrary to reports So as she began to lend him their being here.” only published shots. A police in The Wall Street Journal, a hand, he worried, thought, raid followed. Thisdell fi nally Cornell will not be imple- pondered and planned: passed on copies of the un- menting a similar ban and has Shall I stop her and save the published prints after threats confi rmed that no bandwidth shame? Oh no, no, no - far too of seizing cameras, comput- overload problems are being tame. ers and documents from the experienced on their campus. He decided the way to save face, was to play dead as she offi ces. Legal counsel is now The iPad was expected to as- picked up pace. being sought on the grounds sist students with access to Imagine the shock of this poor that the search was not properly conduct- electronic textbooks via the iBooks appli- lass, screaming out loud, think- ed with insuffi cient time for response. cation AVANTIKA CHILKOTI ing she’d killed this ass. 8 Friday April 23rd 2010 News Team: Matthew Symington, Helen Mackreath and Osama Siddiqui NeWS www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Christ’s lawn recovers from beetle ‘King of all Witches’ invasion withdraws
MAtthew SyMington from election oscar williams-grut
Christ’s College was tentatively elizabeth briggs hopeful about the future of its college lawns today, following attempts earlier this year to eradicate a lawn- Magus Lynius Shadee, an occultist eating pest that had been plaguing who became notorious in Cambridge the grounds. late last year, has backed down from The cockchafer beetle (Latin his former bid to stand as an indepen- name phyllopertha horticola), dent candidate for Cambridge at the which feeds on the roots of grass, General Election. has been decimating the lawns of The 65-year-old Mr Shadee, self- the College, which was once home proclaimed ‘King Of Witches’ and a to the world-renowned natural- specialist in witchcraft, exorcisms, ist Charles Darwin. However, and white and black magic, had following efforts earlier this year previously described his poten- to eradicate the beetles, the lawn tial candidacy as “an opportunity showed signs of recovery this to change people’s lives for the week, as fresh grass began to better”. emerge. His political manifesto proposed to The hoards of cockchafer beetles, tackle problems in education, health famous for their large numbers, and crime, and included a freeze on appeared in the First Court lawns council tax, incentives for students around two years ago, and the to pass their degrees in two years gardening staff at Christ’s have rather than three, and addition- been struggling with them ever ally proposed to “turn Britain into since. The recovering lawn in Christ’s First Court a truly secular society” by banning An attempt last year to eradi- made to rid the College once and feed on the roots of the lawns. They emergence of the fresh grass this religious and faith schools and the cate them by introducing nematode for all of the half-inch pests, and in receded into near extinction across week signalled the end to their teaching of religious education in worms, which feed on the cockcha- January this year gardeners dug England following the introduction beetle troubles. the classroom. fer beetles, proved unsuccessful, the entire 1,740 square feet of the of pesticides in the 20th century, However, even if the grass, which Mr Shadee courted controversy and the famous circular lawn contin- First Court lawn, leaving it bare but stricter pesticide regulations, was reseeded in mid-March, does last November when he claimed ued to suffer. for two months, in the hope that brought in during the 1980s, have flourish in First Court this year, to have conjured a demon in a Lottie Collis, the Deputy Head the combination of frost, birds and led to an upsurge in their numbers we still may not have seen the Cambridge church, and from his Gardener at Christ’s College, said: pesticides would finally kill off the in recent years. end of the cockchafer. Dr Geoffrey desire to open up an occult centre “The lawn was absolutely riddled cockchafers. Ms Collis described the cockcha- Ingham, Honorary Garden Steward in Cambridge. with big brown patches. It looked The beetles, also known as May fer as horrible little things. “They at Christ’s, noted that the “adult When previously asked about awful and really upset everybody.” beetles or Sprang beetles, live are about an inch long and have beetles lay eggs in grassland, which his chances of political success, Following complaints from under the lawns and come up during little brown faces.” Christ’s, develop as grubs for up to four Mr Shadee said that “I have the academics, a last ditch attempt was the hotter months of summer to however, was hopeful that the years, feeding on roots.” advantage of the paranormal, and it is time that David Cameron left, as he’s been with Witney now since June 2001.” Rowers appeal to the Queen to remove “psycho” swan Mr Shadee is not local to Cambridge, coming from Normandy, France. However, he holds dual Swan dubbed “Mr Asbo” for his violent attacks returns to the River Cam citizenship, and had expressed a wish to move to Witney. Despite the end of his political ambitions, he still said Mr Sparkes. “We were about officer responsible for the swans. I taking, injuring or killing a swan, wishes to work in the UK. matthew symington 200m away when he took off from don’t believe that anybody can kill or their eggs, carries a maximum He has decided that his interests Frightened rowers, terrorised by the water and came at us, full speed, or remove a swan without permis- penalty of six months in prison and lie not in politics, but in setting up an aggressive swan nicknamed “Mr flapping his wings.” sion from them. We are liaising with a £5,000 fine. occult centres around the country, Asbo”, have made a desperate bid Despite the ordeal, Mr Sparkes various governing bodies to see Her Majesty’s Swan Warden, including one in Cambridge. this week in an attempt to have does not support removing the what the options are. Oxford academic Dr Christopher This is an activity that he says the swan removed from the River swan: “It’s his river after all. We’ll Swans are currently protected Perrins, said that any request to provides “much more pleasure” Cam. just have to do our best to avoid under the Wildlife and Countryside remove the swan would have to go than politics. The swan gained notoriety last him.” Act and the penalty for illegally through the monarch. Local reactions to the news of his year when he repeatedly attacked The President of the MASonS proposed centre, offering exorcisms, rowers as they made their way past Cambridgeshire Rowing Associa- psychic research, communication Fen Ditton. One rower described tion, Bill Key, yesterday called for with ghosts and witchcraft, have the swan as “psychotic”. Following the Queen to authorise the removal been varied. a winter of respite, the swan has of the ‘’offending bird’’ before it Father David Paul of St returned to the river about one and causes serious injury. Laurence’s Roman Catholic a half miles closer to the city centre, “The swan situation is most Church described it as “a shock- just outside the Green Dragon pub. serious and someone is going to be ingly bad thing for Cambridge” Already this year Mr Asbo has badly injured or worse – indeed a and expressed concerns that “it launched himself at a motorised number of injuries have already will appeal to people who are in pleasure bit, bitten the end of an occurred. distress or are vulnerable. It really eight crew’s craft, and attacked a “We have nearly 1,000 local is manipulation of people’s fears helpless father and daughter who rowers and 2,000 students who and a complete fraud. People who were paddling along the river in a will be returning to the water this go to these things often end up with dingy. week. I hope that the appeal will mental problems.” Ashley Sparkes and his seven- be approved by the authorities who The Reverend Ian Church disagreed year-old daughter Madison were make these decisions.” that it was a fraud, describing Shadee’s paddling their inflatable dingy The Conservators of the Cam have occult centre in Normandy as “quite when Mr Asbo launched his attack. said that negotiations are under- an experience”. His own concern was “Madison was really scared. We way regarding the future of the that “if [Mr Shadee] is allowed to open were attacked twice. The second swan. Deputy Manager Jonathan an occult centre, there would be an time we were not even close to him,” Wakefield said: “The Queen has an Mr Asbo attacks an unsuspecting kayaker on the Cam last year epidemic of anti-faiths.” Comment Ed tor Charlo e Runc e Friday April 23rd 2010 9 comment@vars ty co uk www vars ty co uk CO ENT
“I was aghast to see Alex Reid describe Katie Price as an ‘author’ – with no hint, it seemed, of tongue-in-cheek.” Comment MARK MCCRUM The election goes nuclear
Un lateral d sarmament s both poss ble and necessary In the upcom ng General Elect on, KATIE TAYLOR Br t sh voters have a cruc al role to play to make t happen
hile we in Cambridge that since the 1950s the majority senior ministers of foreign affairs truth that renewing Trident will Defence Review to be carried out by have been enjoying a of Britons have been in favour of and defence of the last 2 decades and be expensive. In the face of the the next government. On the global Whard-earned rest, many multilateral disarmament. Bearing former chiefs of defence who served requisite post-election austerity, it stage, the UK’s efforts toward disar- of the world’s leaders have been this in mind, the failure of successive during the same period. Just last is diffi cult to justify such an outlay. mament, and those of other nuclear very busy over the past few weeks. governments to negotiate toward week, 40 former leaders of European However, this kind of argument powers, must seem disappointing Barack Obama’s diary has been multilateral disarmament repre- countries signed an open letter to at best to non-nuclear states who particularly full: since Varsity sents a shirking of representative the Guardian promoting the cause have consistently upheld their end closed for Easter, the US President responsibility. of multilateral disarmament. “This is an historic of the NPT bargain. It is becoming has overseen the publication of The present situation represents These developments show that increasingly diffi cult to justify our the new Nuclear Posture Review, an historic opportunity to have change in attitude is possible on opportunity to maintenance of a nuclear arsenal, renewed the expired START treaty our voices heard. The changes we nuclear issues, even at the very even as we deny these weapons to with Russia and hosted the leaders have seen in the last few weeks are highest levels. At the moment, have our voices other states. of 47 countries for the Nuclear the visible culmination of several though, this change is not fi lter- Finally, failure to secure uranium Security Summit. months’ work. Internationally, for ing through to the level of those heard.” and plutonium associated with This reinvigoration of negotia- the past two years, an organisation who hold most power: the current nuclear power plants could lead to a tions towards nuclear disarmament called Global Zero has been drawing ministers making decisions on could be dangerous, since it may nuclear event at the hands of terror- has been motivated in part by the together world leaders committed to defence spending and policy. With lend weight to the view of nuclear ists. In addition to the immediate impending Non-Proliferation of the goal of a world without election fever heating up, it is weapons as status symbols, available negative effects, this may set back Nuclear Weapons Treaty (NPT) nuclear weapons. Over abundantly clear that these only to those that can afford them. efforts on the civil nuclear front. Review Conference to commence on 200 leaders, as well are the people who ought This is an argument that we must Whether or not we support nuclear May 3rd. As a signatory to the NPT as almost 350,000 to be most alert to move away from if we are to engage energy, this would signifi cantly limit and a state in possession of nuclear citizens, have now public opinion. the whole international community. our options in dealing with climate weapons, the UK has a responsibil- signed the Global Many would not Focusing instead on the waning role change. ity to negotiate in good faith toward Zero declaration. see nuclear disarma- of nuclear weapons in national and Polls show that public opinion has the goal of nuclear disarmament. In In the UK, ment as a voting international security could be one been behind multilateral disarma- the past decades, the UK’s efforts last year saw issue on May 6th. Yet way to do this. ment for decades. Those who are have been wanting in this regard. the formation of nuclear issues overlap Nuclear issues also relate closely behind the cause should take advan- Failure to take the lead in the 16-strong Top with many of the to notions of openness within the tage now of the historic opportunity disarmament negotiations is Level Group of UK concerns that the voting democracy and equality beyond afforded by high-level willingness to unacceptable, and not just because Parliamentarians for public has. Obviously, it. Calls for a referendum on the move forward on disarmament and the UK’s status as a signatory to Multilateral Disarmament maintenance of the nuclear future of Trident have been largely non-proliferation. There is much left the NPT obliges it to enter into and Non Proliferation. This group arsenal requires signifi cant economic ignored and the programme has to be done, but coming together now such discussions. Polls have shown consists of almost all the former commitment. It is an oft-repeated been excluded from the Strategic could make a real difference. Between a pole and a hard place The Un on’s controvers al pole danc ng classes are an exerc se n m sogyny dancing is good exercise and that Supporters wrongly agree with women are part of the Women’s more diffi cult. We stopped having JESSICA JENNINGS it can be separated from sexual one Women’s Offi cer that the Union. Using audacious words to smile through injustice in the degradation. However, supporters classes will neither insult nor of empowerment, one Women’s 1950s, but now we tell others that reiterate that the classes will be marginalise those who choose not Offi cer asks how students who rebelling against a hypersexualised he controversy over the strictly female-only. The acknowl- to attend, despite it being a state- expressed distaste would feel if image of women will marginalise us. Union’s decision to offer pole edgement that pole dancing ment of our university’s complicity they were told that something they The arguments of those supporting Tdancing classes seems a bit must be hidden away from the with a hypersexualised view of did was undermining the female the classes reek of a pervasive fear misplaced. An institution boasting peeping eyes of boys contradicts women. population? Disconcerted, surely, of being excluded. an Ann Summers evening amongst the Union’s denial that it exploits Sadder than their naïveté is as we neither strip for cash nor As it’s impossible to reconcile its few events for women ignores sweaty amateurs clambering upon their use of the words of pole dance. It’s worrying society’s image of what women the protests of thoughtful feminists; poles, sticky with desperation. modern feminism without that these women haven’t should want to be with intellectual why raise an eyebrow? Many In a culture where pornographic considering their implica- considered the disturbing self-respect, for many intelligent Cambridge women have given images of women bombard us from tions. David Mitchell’s motives behind a modern women, the margin is the only up trying to change the Union: the moment we are old enough to recent article in the desire to learn a degrad- option. But it’s not as depressing they’re saddened that the classes switch on the TV or look up at the Guardian touched on this ing dance over going for a as being stuck between a pole and were proposed by female students top shelf, the condition that men misuse, but didn’t go far run, blissful in the quiet of a hard place. Many women are and continue to be supported by won’t be able to watch the class is enough in emphasising its intellectual integrity. terrifi ed that protesting will be many women of the University. redundant. destructive nature. It is By far the saddest thing marginalising, despite the tautol- They know, as the Union does, that Supporters are wrong in saying excruciating to hear intel- exposed in the debate is ogy. Hopefully, they’ll see that at some of the most intelligent young that they can divorce pole dancing ligent women talk about that some women still tell least the margins are liberated women are tragically impression- classes from the sex industry, their ‘choices’ without others that if they protest from the consumerist sexism able, and that these pole dancing because it is being held in a thought for the cultural over something that prevalent in society, to which the classes will be well-attended. culture that encourages porno- drive behind them, and offends their self-worth, debate over pole dancing classes is The defences are that pole graphic ideology within women. more so when these they’ll only make life testament. 10 Friday April 23rd 2010 Comment Editor: Charlotte Runcie CoMMENt aND EDitoRiaL www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]
olly watson
Established in 1947 Issue No 717 Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge, CB2 3RF Telephone: 01223 337575 Fax: 01223 760949 Splitting the poles
Bizarrely, in amongst the upcoming general election and the volcanically-delayed planes, one of the hot topics capturing the imagination of the public, and taking up the pages of the national press, is the establishment of pole-dancing classes for exercise at the Union. Even Cambridge alumnus and omnipresent TV personality David Mitchell commented on the news in his Observer column, stating that the institution has ‘confused being contrarian with forming a reasoned opinion’ and calling the possible participants ‘stupid or impressionable’. It is easy to understand why anyone might be feeling weary of the attention that this activity has generated. On the ‘pro’ side of the argument is that pole-dancing, or the somewhat more innocuous-sounding ‘pole fitness’, as it has been named in the Union’s Termcard, is hugely beneficial from a physical exercise standpoint and requires a high degree of gymnastic skill. Furthermore, surely the classes do make some attempt at reclaiming the activity from the preserve of the seedy men’s-only nightclubs. On the other hand, as our comment writer Jessica Charlie Bell ought to remember at JSOC. It is more accurate to say Jennings has proposed, the classes, while attempting to portray Letters to the that the British Government that not all ketchup, and for that the activity as an empowerment exercise for women, are actually seemed happy to deport its own matter not all Heinz ketchup, can complicit in the sexual objectification of women, naively presenting Editor citizens resident on Diego Garcia, be consumed on Passover. Despite the activity as innocent and failing to acknowledge the underlying in the Chagos Archipelago (British these errors I thoroughly enjoyed horrors of sex trafficking and exploitation linked to pole-dancing. Indian Ocean Territory), who the article. My only regret is that I The very fact that some women may be put off from attending number roughly the same as the was not present to savour the food! the pole-dancing classes on account of these associations with Alesha Goddard’s narrow-minded Falklanders. Why? For America to Jonathan Gilmour sleazy strip clubs is a sad indictment of today’s society. Juan de response [to the campaign for a build a large military base on the st John’s Francisco’s claims of the act being ‘empowering’ women in some University sports centre] is one, island. In addition, the High Court sense stem from trying to counteract these notions, though by I’m afraid, that is only shared with ruled in 2000 that the Chagossians’ I note that the Cambridge Union invoking a powerful, and possibly inappropriate, feminist term. If deportation was unlawful – this is planning to provide pole dancing anything, we should try to extricate the actual activity from all of decision has been overruled by the classes for female students this these connotations, and see the idea being proposed as it what it British Government first through term in order to ease exam stress. really is: simply exercise, no more, no less. If the Union wanted to two Orders-in-Council under Royal The Union is to be applauded for court controversy with the classes, they’ve succeeded, though it Prerogative, and subsequently in its concern for students’ welfare would be a shame if that was their true motive; it seems time that certain members of the univer- a ruling (2008) by the Law Lords. during this pressure-filled period. we looked at the more positive potential effects of the activity and sity hierarchy. Our closest rivals Bell should not be naïve about the I do, however, feel some concern at not remain entangled in its nastier associations. (Harvard, Yale... Oxford!) recognise British Government’s loyalty to its the inequitable decision to provide the importance of sports facilities own citizens; the Falklands conflict an outlet for women’s stress without to match their reputation. And is chiefly about oil, not people. a counterpart for men. In the tradi- What happened to the Varsity 100? why can’t our great University? Lawrence Dunn tion of Martin Luther King and Incoherent thinking, stonewall- corpus christi Emmeline Pankhurst, I argue that Those of you who have read Varsity in past years might have ing and incompetence. Attitude’s this discrimination is an outrage, and noticed the absence, this year, of the ‘Varsity 100’ - an annual like Ms Goddard’s sadly reflect the I really appreciated Rosie Corner’s the Union should provide a similar pull-out section of the paper, printed each January, which claimed odious view that “sport, exercise ‘Happy Multi-Deity Easter’, and stress-busting activity for men. to profile ‘one hundred of the most talented, influential and and competition = bad.” It is unfair the sentiment of good will and taste Letting us watch the pole dancing hard-working students at Cambridge’. that it is such a struggle to be a which motivated it. However, the should do the job. As this term’s Editors, we are both opposed to the publication balanced, fit & healthy student article contains two errors concern- Name withheld of this supplement, and accordingly decided to scrap it this year. at Cambridge. We need a sports ing the Jewish side of things. First, There are far more than one hundred ‘talented, influential, and centre, and I’m with Charlotte Purim is not always a springtime hard-working’ students here; making a random list of some of them Roach on this one. festival. Second, Heinz’s ketchup email [email protected] for the seems divisive, unrepresentative and, ultimately, pretty pointless. Patrick Crossley is kosher and consumed regularly chance to win a bottle from the hawks’ club President (sometimes in extraordinary cambridge Wine merchants. Letters amounts!) by my Jewish colleagues may be edited.
Underrated recognise: as an historical figure, she was always honest: when she Minister’, she told the Mirror), men are not sympathetic to their Margaret Thatcher is underrated. believed in something, she said yet she is described by many who subjects. Why is it that Thatcher Nearly a third of a century has so, and she did not turn back even knew her as eminently feminine. is not treated with the same atten- Week 1: Margaret Thatcher passed since this country – in when the stakes were high. You She was notorious for her lack of tion? Amongst other things, she considerable advance of the rest might not agree with the causes a sense of humour, but she told is the only one of the three not to of the Western world – elected its she stood for, and you might not Monty Python’s dead parrot joke have been accused of genocide. first female leader. And yet, while even respect her obstinacy. But at the Tory Conference in 1990. Those historians who refuse to Thatcher is frequently cited in surely we can all recognise that, (Look it up on YouTube - it has to take on the vast subject of Thatch- the media (the past three years as a character trait, her force of be seen to be believed.) How can er’s character and its place in our have seen the release of two BBC personality should be tremen- historians resist her? past reveal nothing but a failure of biopics and numerous documen- dously compelling to the historian. Hers is a character on a grand, imagination. Thatcher is already a taries about her), she has yet to It is something that very few almost Tudor scale; indeed, she cultural icon, her likeness surfac- be taken seriously by more than a modern world leaders possess. managed her staff at Downing ing over the past several decades handful of academic historians. As If nothing else, talented histo- Street as if she were the leader of in everything from Tatler’s a student of history, I cannot help rians should be fascinated by the an early modern European court. Vivienne Westwood cover shoot et me begin by saying that but be embarrassed. paradoxes that frame her persona. Many historians are doubtless put (1989) to last week’s episode of this is not a defence of Thatcher has immense potential She was lower-middle-class, the off writing about her because of a ‘Ashes to Ashes’. Like her or not, LMargaret Thatcher’s politi- as an historical character. She daughter of a grocer, and yet she personal distaste for her politics. we owe it to our sense of history cal or economic policies. Whatever spoke her mind – often, of course, became Tory Leader. She claimed But new books about Hitler and to recognise that, as an historical your opinion on Thatcher’s politics, so forcefully that she blocked not to notice that she was a Stalin are out nearly every year; character, she was simply larger there is one thing everyone should out the opinions of others – and woman (‘I regard myself as Prime surely the biographers of these than life. emma mustich Comment Editor: Charlotte Runcie Friday April 23rd 2010 11 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk CoMMEnt
thE ESSAY The Spooker Prize Not-Sci
s ghost writing the new martha rawlinson rock and roll? Not quite. But Icertainly the profile of the craft has been raised recently. Roman Polanski’s adaptation of Robert Harris’s novel The Ghost has been screened to acclaim at the Berlin International Film Festival. In Paris another new movie highlights the role of August Maquet, a 19th century ghost Cameron’s Cancer Stats who allegedly came up with both plots and characters of novels by David Cameron is no doubt Alexandre Dumas, including The aware that the exclusion of Count of Monte Cristo and The certain information is necessary Three Musketeers. Meanwhile, the when attempting to discredit a role of ghost writers in the contem- political opponent with emotive porary world of letters is becoming verse on sensitive subjects. more widely understood. “What Gordon Brown is not Look at the non-fiction bestseller telling you about the situation list any week these days and you’ll with cancer, cancer drugs and see those celebrity memoirs: chefs, cancer outcomes is, after all the sportsmen, actors, comedians, most things he’s talked about, all the of them off the telly. Do these busy money that’s gone in, our death people have the time to write their rate from cancer is actually own books? The inclination? The Full-time ghost writer Mark McCrum has written some worse than Bulgaria’s.” This skill? The answer is, generally, no. of the best-selling books of the last few years. So how was what he said during the As the unnamed ghost in Harris’s first leaders’ debate. But what book explains, ‘We are the unseen come lazy celebrities take all the credit? Cameron didn’t mention was operatives who keep publishing what he himself was ‘not telling going, like the unseen workers right, their book can be a career- about good writing. People don’t to such unreal interactions. People you’. beneath Disney World.’ enhancer, as well as giving them pick up these books because they’ve had watched Brucey’s alarmed The reference to cancer In the last few years this lucra- the bogus credibility of author- been told by a friend that they close-up as he tries, squashed in by deaths in Bulgaria and the UK tive non-fiction jamboree has ship. Even I was slightly aghast, take the literary imagination to a his hosts, to sleep on the floor of a made by Cameron is actually spilled over into fiction. Jordan, a watching this year’s Celebrity Big whole new place, that the dialogue hut in Sudan – why shouldn’t they correct (according to Eurostat successful memoirist once mainly Brother, to see Jordan’s new man, sings, or even merely that they want to say hello? figures, Bulgaria’s death rate famous for the size of her breasts, cage fighter Alex Reid, describe his have powerful characters and a Many of the magazines on the from cancer was 170 per 100,000 now ‘writes’ novels under her real wife-to-be as ‘an author’. With no gripping plot. They pick them news-stands feed similar addic- people in 2007, the UK’s 178). name of Katie Price that outsell hint, it seemed, of tongue-in-cheek. up because they have a burning tive fantasies. Why should anyone What is unclear is why Cameron the entire Booker Prize list. Sharon What about the rest of us? If curiosity to understand more about care whether Peter Andre is implies a direct correlation Osbourne, another star in the biog the adoring fans of these icons their favoured celeb. The medium unhappy about Katie Price marry- between these deaths and yearn to know how they overcame of television has created such a ing Alex Reid? Only because they government money. I may poor school reports, shot to fame brilliant illusion of intimacy that have watched them on TV and have missed something but “Ghost-written and faced down their first eating viewers start to believe they know know their mannerisms as well as the reason there are masses of disorder, is there any harm in these the people they see so frequently on someone they live with. Having cancer researchers and insti- books give books being published? the other side of the lens. watched Alex sitting in the diary tutes and still no cure for cancer My immediate answer would I remember sitting in Water- room of Celebrity Big Brother or miracle drug is because it is celebrities the be no. The market has a need stones, Piccadilly for the signing wondering if he might turn to God, a wildly complex disease which and the need is being met. Isn’t of a book I had written for the TV I almost feel I know him myself. can not be simply extinguished bogus credibility it pure intellectual snobbery to series Castaway, where thirty or In due course the fallout of this by healthcare money or drugs. of authorship.” object to the piles of these tomes so ‘ordinary people’ were marooned uninspiring love triangle will Cameron should have in supermarkets up and down the on a Scottish island for a year. The undoubtedly be documented within added that cancer is affected land? Maybe people who would not show had been a success and the the covers of yet another heavily- by cigarette smoke, alcohol normally read will start with I am queue stretched out of the front promoted book. consumption, sun exposure, diet, section, has just launched into this Ozzy or Dreams Can Come True door and round the block. When the As this literary bindweed crowds exercise, the level of exposure genre with Revenge, out on March and move on to War and Peace? In the garden of publishing, other, to certain chemicals in the direct 4th. “She wrote it with help from a any case, why should they move on subtler blooms are strangled. As environment, genes and also co-writer,” her publisher admits to to War on Peace? Even if they just “Works of publishers pay bookshops to display that there are other potential Bookseller magazine, “but it’s her want to buy the book and stick it, their guaranteed success stories in but controversial causes such story, her characters, her plot. It unread, on top of the telly, isn’t that imagination the window, by the till and in other as pesticides, deodorants, was all her own idea.” their prerogative? easy-to-purchase places, works of acrylamide, artificial sweeten- At the same time, from over On reflection, though, I have to and quality are imagination and quality languish ers and hair dyes. In addition the Atlantic comes the growing admit to a philosophical yes. The on the back shelf – if they make to this, ‘Cancer’ is really a realisation that several of the publishing world has few scruples. languishing on the bookshop at all. Writers of such group of 200 diseases which famous names that adorn the Whatever publishers may say in the back shelf.” books must accept feeble sales, are likely to require different fiction bestseller lists have help. their cups about nurturing talent and then not grumble when in due treatments. This information is James Patterson now acknowl- and supporting excellence, the course they are quietly dropped. publicly available on the Cancer edges with a by-line no fewer than bottom line is money. This has Further down the food chain, Research UK website. It is five co-writers for his numerous always been true, but in recent punters were let in, did they rush other talents never even make it extremely difficult to define works. Tom Clancy is another who years, as the power of editors up to me, the author (even though to publication. Writers who might whether the higher UK death admits to a collaborative element. has waned, and that of marketing I was on this occasion credited on have entertained us in another age number can be attributed to The representatives of Robert and sales people has risen, it has the jacket)? Of course not. They give up and become plumbers, taxi one, a few, a combination or all Ludlum and Virginia Andrews, still become truer. If Megathon Books made straight for the four stars of drivers, even ghosts. It’s not an of these. regularly producing books some have a sure-fire commercial propo- the show sitting beside me. “Oh easy thing getting a novel accepted But Cameron’s insinuation time after their deaths, have also sition, which they can get behind hello, Ben, how’s your dog?” “Hi these days – unless you’re Katie that lower cancer deaths in fessed up to the obvious. with all the means at their disposal, Julie, were you really OK with the Price of course. Bulgaria mean they have better Is all this a bad thing? For they’re far happier doing that than compost toilet?” They were talking healthcare and therefore a someone like myself, who makes taking a chance on some new thing to these newly-famous strangers as Mark McCrum is a writer and better Government would be their living by helping celebs that may or may not do well (even you might talk to an old friend. Cambridge alumnus. Books written a little diluted if he took the get their golden thoughts on if they know in their guilty hearts Working subsequently with by him include Robbie Williams’ trouble to mention all this in a paper, clearly not. For the celebs that it’s of far higher quality). Bruce Parry from the TV best-selling autobiography Somebody debate. SITA DINANAUTH themselves, if they pitch their story Celebrity memoirs are rarely programme Tribe, I got quite used Someday and Bruce Parry’s Tribe. "Sometimes I have to pinch myself. I joined Red Gate straight out of university. A few years later I'm General Manager of our DBA division with a budget of millions of dollars." James Moore General Manager, DBA Tools Division
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The Varsity Politics Surveyp4-5 We asked who you would support �n the 2010 elect�on� Check out the results �ns�de
FRIDAY MARCH 5TH 2010 THE INDEPENDENT STUDENT NE�SPAPER SINCE 1947 ISSUE NO 716 | VARSITY.CO.UK
MICHAEL DERRINGER Hawking will Mansigani stay in Britain, despite funding voted CUSU cuts President �IC�A�D �OO�� Contrary to media reports this week, Stephen Hawking, the former Luca- sian Professor of Mathematics, has New leader pledges to make CUSU “a no plans to leave the UK for Canada in protest at the Government’s cuts more relevant, connected Un�on” in funding for higher education. This summer, Professor Hawking meaningful change for students, intends to make a two-month visit G���A O�� showing them how much CUSU can to the privately-funded Perimeter empower them to do.” Institute for Theoretical Physics, in Rahul Mansigani will be the new The positions of CUSU Coordina- Ontario, where he already holds the CUSU President after a decisive win tor, Ethical Affairs and Access were visiting position of Distinguished in the CUSU elections. uncontested, electing Chris Lillycrop, Research Chair. Mansigani won the vote with an 11 Sophie Hemery and Jamie Gibson, A report in the Daily Mail sug- per cent majority over rival candi- and Andy McGowan respectively. gested that this visit was a precursor date Beccy Talmy, taking a total of The numbers of voters who chose to to taking up a permanent position at 1403 votes. Talmy took 1103 votes, reopen nominations for his Coordina- the Institute. According to Profes- while 232 people voted to reopen tor position was 20.4 per cent, which sor Hawking’s website, though, this nominations. represents a much higher proportion is untrue: “It looks like Stephen’s This year’s turnout was lower than than that for the same position last graduate assistant, Sam Blackburn, that of last year – only 13.1 per cent year, Clare Tyson, where only 9.8 per has been misquoted again.” of the electoral roll voted, down from cent of votes were for R.O.N. The University released a state- a turnout of 21.2 per cent last year. The Womens’ Offi cer position was ment on Wednesday which stated: Speaking exclusively to Varsity, closely contested, with Sarah Peters- “Professor Stephen Hawking is Mansigani said that he was “thrilled” Harrison narrowly coming ahead of Director of Research in the Centre with the results and was looking Anna Goulding, taking 48 per cent of for Theoretical Cosmology in the forward to working for Cambridge the vote. Department of Applied Mathematics students next year. Although the proportion of stu- and Theoretical Physics at the Uni- “I really hope to develop CUSU into dents voting in this year’s elections versity of Cambridge. He will remain a more relevant, connected Union, fell, Maria Helmling, Education so in the long term. As part of his and will be putting all my effort into Offi cer Elect, has described voter research he expects to make annual making sure that we’re there to interest as “extremely encouraging”. visits to the Perimeter Institute for actively support JCRs, MCRs and She added, however, that CUSU Theoretical Physics in Waterloo, individual students, as well as put- could do more to boost the profi le of Canada.” ting pressure on the University on the elections and awareness of who Professor Hawking has been issues like the sports centre, rents can vote. sharply critical of the Government’s and access,” he said. Of the new CUSU team she said, plans to cut £1 billion of funding for Runner-up Talmy said that she “I think the new sabbatical team has When Jesse Came To Town higher education in the UK. hoped her campaign had changed the real potential to change CUSU, ivil rights activist and Baptist minister Jesse Jackson visited Cam- the way people think of CUSU as a Faculties and Colleges for the better Cbridge on Monday to give a speech at the Union. The minister was > student voice in the University. She and achieve concrete change in given three standing ovations and an honorary membership, with his Essayp11 9 said, “I feel incredibly glad to have Cambridge”. speech addressing the world fi nanical crisis and the tragically high 0 convinced over a thousand people Mansigani was also elected as an Charlott e levels of gun crime in the US. Earlier in the day Jackson, who had been 2 0
that it’s more important for CUSU NUS Delegate for the forthcom- 0
a key member of Martin Luther King’s Southern Christian Leadership H�gg�ns� 4
to campaign for greater fairness and ing year along with Fatima Junaid, 4 Conference, attended a tour of the American Cemetery in Madingley. Class�cs for 4 equality within the University and Amy Taylor, Beccy Talmy and Luke Refl ecting on casualties caused by war, Jackson condemned the wars in 8 5
beyond, than to provide discounts Hawksbee. Morgan Wild was elected 7
Iraq and Afghanistan, stating “there are some wars that must be fought, everyone 1 and throw parties. Student Support Officer whilst 7 and there are others made for TV dramas it seems”. See p6 for the Var- 7
“I can only hope that [Rahul] Amina Rai Mumtaz is the new Presi- 9 sity interview. LAURIE TUFFREY will fi ght hard to bring about truly dent of the Graduate Union.
Applications are invited to edit Varsity in May It’s not too late to change Week or Michaelmas 2010, or to be a section editor, critic or reporter. your future Application forms are available for download There’s not long to go before you finish at Cambridge University from varsity.co.uk/jobs and you’re probably thinking – what next? Apply to Teach First and you could have a graduate job sorted in a The deadline for all May Week positions and the few weeks! Michaelmas editor is Monday April 26th. We have 80 Maths, Science and ICT places remaining, but don’t The deadline for Michaelmas section editor delay – this will be your last opportunity to join the 2010 intake. applications is Friday May 28th. Apply online or for more information email Liz at [email protected] If you have any questions, please e-mail the current editors, Emma Mustich & Laurie Tuffrey, at [email protected]
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TF1812 Cambridge University Advert.indd 1 19/4/10 10:41:22 FRIDAY APRIL 23RD 2010
The Varsity Magazine FEATURES, ARTS, FASHION & REVIE S His Dark Materials PHILIP PULLMAN
Plus Victoria Beale p14, photography competition p18-19 and food p22 KATHERINE SPENCE
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14 Friday April 23rd 2010 Magaz ne Ed tor Paul Sm th MAGAZINE www vars ty co uk magaz ne@vars ty co uk
KATHERINE SPENCE Victoria Beale: Self-Help Wee 1 Love s not enouh The Sm rt Person’s u de to Mone
hy am I the only will be coming to an abrupt end this tonight I just entered twice online a tear-sodden person I know,” summer, when, after graduation, in if you enter twice online too we handkerchief. “Wranted Responsible an age old Beale tradition, my family could make a deal to give each other Even if you Chain-Smoking Northern House- will take all my possessions, cut my £500,000 tell me how you feel about only write one mate, “whose parents taught them beautiful golden hair and leave me in that, bye,” quickly followed by “I impossibly- a job was what you did for money, the Nevada wilderness to make my didn’t win but that’s ok I think its hyped tome, not something you expected to fortune or perish at the mouths of probs just letting it build up for me you can then spend the rest of your festivals, complete with bubble enjoy? What you have to under- ravening coyotes. My fi rst instinct, as fi rst so I’ll win seventeen million life touring literary festivals with a machine and cupcake dispenser? stand, you soy-muscled, coddled, inspired by Lady Gaga’s ‘Telephone’ on Wednesday which will be nice.” tragic air while onlookers comment Northern Housemate hacked up a hummus-fed freaks, is that you’re video was a life of glamorous, hyper- A long shot, but I reckon the tacky on your youthful promise and Will family of scudding tar clouds when not supposed to be looking for an realist Sapphic crime sprees. I unimaginable wealth of the lottery Self makes libidinous advances. he saw me type that sentence, and amusing hobby but a plausible way could cruise off into the sunset after winner is the perfect starting However, I haven’t done any insisted he fi nd me a job as a dish of making a living. And, for the committing massacres in hip diners place for an emotionally-volatile creative writing since I was heavily washer at a fi lthy greasy spoon, ten thousandth time, you are not and accompanied by a sass-mouth brat in her early twenties – I could cautioned for a Jane Austen pastiche where I could learn the virtues of all going to end up working in the sidekick. The immediate problem buy houses full of hideous couture I wrote in sixth form. My only other employer harassment, bleach hands media.” Well, this was too much, so with this strategy is my aversion to dresses that look like cocktail ploy is to give Lolita a different title, and the minimum wage. He can act we stormed upstairs to furiously bloodshed, but more importantly my shrimp, before OD-ing on high grade send it off to a publisher and hope the sensible one all he wants, but smoke artfully-rolled cigarettes, inability to carry off the Diet Coke modafi nil in a fountain of absinthe. nobody notices the difference. I know when he sings along to the book our Bestival tickets (plus a cans-as-curlers look. For an English undergraduate Why should any Arts student Simon & Garfunkel Live in Central 4 person VIP yurt) and tell each My second idea is to follow the scrabbling for cash there is always consider waiting tables when they Park DVD that he too dreams of a other he just didn’t know what he advice of a money-lusting friend who the option of getting your fi rst novel could run a vintage stall out of a cart crazy life out on the open highway, was talking about. occasionally sends me messages like commissioned from a few zeitgeist- fi lled with fl owers, careless whispers occasionally returning to his parents’ My current source of cash-fl ow this: “It’s a twelve million jackpot humping paragraphs scribbled on and dreams which they push round house to wash and steal socks.
MAY WEEK COUNTDOWN Only EXAM BEARD MAY BALL LINEUP RUMOURS to EXERCISE Scandal three m nutes 51 days to go unt l another glor ous The new craze wh ch s If goss p s to be bel eved, Su c de Sunday Bel eve, ach eve sweep ng Cambr dge the xx, Joy Orb son and VOLCANIC ASH The reason why your BENTLEY THE GOAT Oxford n goat Don’t shave t ll your exams Delph c are on the r way to nternat onal chums st ll form Our Bramble destroyed h m n LCD SOUNDSYSTEM f n sh G rls can do legs Cambr dge Whoop aren’t back the Goat Race NOT What do you do when your album leaks, one BOAT RACE AND POLE DANCING KATE NASH We got THE NEXT FIVE WEEKS HOT month ahead of ts UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE CONTROVERSY sent her new album Brace yourself, they release Stream VICTORY How smug was our Cambr dge proves ‘I Hate Seagulls’ aren’t go ng to be fun t onl ne for the Easter weekend The eggs may tself to be a Med eval encapsulates But check out Arts (p20- world to hear have long s nce d sappeared, nst tut on by refus ng everyth ng we 21) for some su table It’s qu te good but our glee s yet to fade young women the chance hate about her n d stract ons
SEARCH: University+challenge+spoof FRED 64 PASTY POSTER BOY
Wh ch words do ou most overuse Oh r, m nl If ou weren’t n C mbr de, where would ou l e to be B c home n Cornw ll Wh t s C mbr de to ou Week 1 Alex Gu enplan, We Salute You Bor n, hell Wh t’s hot P st es, I suppose I n Dur & the Bloche ds - ‘There n’t h lf been some clever b st rds’ Wh t’s not What’s that? University Challenge auditions this evening? The chance P eons I h te them to be the next Gail Trimble? Looks like Sci-Fi Soc will have to wait. We never thought the day would come, but on this star YouTube Best w to surv ve l fe n picking, the almighty Guttenplan C mbr de ns of Leon - ‘en us’ Fastforward a few months: you’ve just led your College to a victory in gets a question wrong. Surely Just st nd st ll for b t the apocalypse is nigh? the semi-fi nals. Legion of screaming girls gather outside the studio. Who would pl ou n the f lm of our l fe te Bush - ‘Wow’ C pt n B rdse e Revising ancient chiropractors on Wikipedia, you get distracted by the sound Overheard u lt est Ple sure of porters chasing the Daily Mail hacks gathering outside your window. Loo n down rls’ tops “Dear Students, C t Power - ‘The re test’ Tell us secret bout It’s the fi nal. Before J-Pax can even ask the question you buzz in with After many happy years in the ourself the correct answer. His mouth falls open, and Oxford whimper. College Library I am leaving I used to wor n McDon lds at Easter to spend more time J Z - ‘Roc Bo s ( nd the w nner s) ’ sailing a 34 foot boat in the And f n ll , dos or c ts A stange poet dressed as a witch hands you the trophy. Snatching it Mediterranean.” B dos off her you hold it aloft and scream “YES. I’M THE CAMBRIDGE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD.” (1pm, St Cathar ne’s) katherine spence
Features Editor: Joe Pitt-Rashid Friday April 23rd 2010 15 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk FEatuREs Imaginative audacity Jessica Lambert has tea with author Philip Pullman as they discuss his new novel, The Good Man Jesus and The Scoundrel Christ
ne of the best known The most common misconception which they kept to themselves. giving serious consideration to atheists?” Pullman is about Pullman is that he is anti- Those who worked against them each question before responding On The Cover “Olooking bemused, “well I religion. He’s isn’t, he just happens were heretics and there was a in a voice which combines gravitas certainly don’t think of myself like not to believe in God. What he whole state-sponsored organisation with clarity so that there is a quiet that. I’m a storyteller. The atheism has a problem with is any person of denunciation and betrayal, trial, intensity and conviction to every- is something incidental. It would be or organisation who dangerously confession and execution – exactly thing that he says. You don’t want a great pity if I was known mostly abuses their power. In his new as you had with Renaissance Italy to stop listening, but it is a little for my atheism and the storytelling book, The Good Man Jesus and the and Spain.” intimidating. was incidental.” Scoundrel Christ, Jesus is violently While he is extremely apprecia- On top of this there is the confu- It definitely isn’t his religious opposed to the idea of a church tive of living in a society where he sion of his voice being so familiar point of view which has had him being created in his name, despite can write and say what he likes, to anyone who ever listened to the acclaimed as one of Britain’s the arguments that his brother he despises the current Labour award-winning audiobooks of His greatest writers ever since the Christ puts to him. “[Christ] says Government’s “Stalinist instinct to Dark Materials, which Pullman publication of Northern Lights several true things. He says the see what everyone’s doing and tell narrated. “I really, really enjoyed in 1995, the first part of the His making that audiobook. It was Dark Materials trilogy. Nor is it hard work, but the craft of it is just the reason why the opening words wonderful to watch and the direc- “Lyra and her daemon” evoke tor assembled such a great cast of an entire world for anyone who radio actors, and attended so closely has read it. And yet it is equally to every little detail. If there’s a impossible to deny that there is comma in a sentence, he wants to The first publication of a 2006 something fascinating about having hear the comma, because it’s there painting by award-winning the imaginative audacity to kill for a purpose.” portraitist Emma Kennaway. God in one book and to turn Christ When he talks about Jesus you into a brother who betrays Jesus in can hear a similar admiration of another. craftsmanship, the respect that one storyteller has for another. “He merits – does have a very slight was a man of profound imagina- tendency to be literal minded Time Line: tion and the power of synthesising about fairy tales. He said once complicated moral points into that he wonders what is the effect Philip Pullman simple brilliant images, which work of parents teaching children that however they are translated. He princes can become frogs and so was unequalled in history, I think. on. But there’s no actual teaching 1946 Born in Norwich. And the great pity of it is that he going on. It’s the immense power 1968 Graduates from Exeter was crucified before he had the of let’s pretend, once upon a time College, Oxford, with a chance to write a book.” – which is such a wonderful thing third in English. in anybody’s life, especially in a child’s. And its effect on a child’s 1986 Leaves his teaching job There’s something life who doesn’t have it is nowhere following the publication better described than in Bleak of The Ruby in the Smoke, fascinating House, where Dickens talks about his second novel. about having the money lender’s children who are brought up without any fairy tales 1995 Northern Lights, the first and without any nursery rhymes of the His Dark Materials the imaginative – without any stories whatsoever. trilogy is published, and audacity to kill And the effect is that they don’t wins the Carnegie Medal seem like children at all but like 2000 The Amber Spyglass, the god in one book elderly monkeys with something final instalment of the and to turn Christ depressing on their minds.” trilogy, is published to Derren Brown: not an impressive juggler He is as passionate discussing widespread acclaim. into a brother who the ability to tell stories with pictures and on screen as he is 2007 Voted among the 50 great- betrays Jesus in discussing literature, and becomes est British Writers since church will do great good, it will them to stop it”. The Tories have particularly excited when I ask if 1945 by The Times. help people, it will educate, it will said that they would roll back many another. he is interested in graphic novels. look after the sick and dying. But of Labour’s more invasive data- “Very! Hugely! Passionately!” he 2010 Pullman receives hate mail at the same time there is a price to collecting initiatives, but Pullman is replies, “I love the medium. It’s from Christian Funda- pay and the price is this: individu- sceptical. While Richard Dawkins argues magnificent and underappreciated.” mentalists following the als will be tempted by the power “Give them a few years in power that inculcating a child with a He wrote a comic two years ago release of The Good Man that they have and the organisation and let them see what the technol- religious belief is tantamount about the sea-bound adventures Jesus and the Scoundrel itself will be tempted to decide what ogy can do. The trouble is that it’s to “child abuse”, Pullman speaks of a boy called John Blake and has Christ. is true and what is false and who is so tempting and you tell yourself warmly about the fact that “every now turned into a film script. “I’ve a heretic and who is not. And once that you’re only it doing so that turn in my mind, every way I form just signed a big contract for it. And you have the idea of heretics you you can look after people and make thoughts was formed by listening all we need, really, is two hundred have the idea of punishment.” sure they’re safe – and that they’re to the stories from the Bible, the million dollars and a fourteen He argues that the whole concept not going to get up to any trouble liturgy of the prayer books and year old Burt Lancaster who will of heresy can only exist in a “totali- in the future.” He looks around singing the hymns in church every guarantee not to look any more tarian state”, though not necessarily the outdoor café we’re sitting day when I was younger.” He than fourteen for the next ten years one which revolves around God. in. “I have no doubt that we’re believes that “if it is of comfort to so we can do sequels.” Unlike The “The perfect example of a theoc- overlooked at this moment by a a child then there is no reason for Golden Compass, this time he’ll be racy was Soviet Russia, which CCTV camera. This is a sad state them not to believe what they want in control as one of the producers. was explicitly atheist. They had a to have got ourselves in where you to believe” putting his trust in the And unless John Blake has a battle holy book, which was the works of can’t go about without knowing that “natural progression of scepticism with Jonah’s whale, the storytelling, Marx. There was a priesthood, the somebody’s looking at you.” and intellectual curiosity” which is rather than the religious implica- Communist Party, which had privi- Pullman has a habit of staring likely to occur as they grow older. tions, will be all that anyone is leges denied to the laity and secrets gravely at you while you talk, “I think that Dawkins – for all his discussing. 16 Friday April 23rd 2010 Fashion Editors: Matilda Bathurst, Argyro Nicolaou and Charlotte Wu FASHION www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]
GLAM Fashion Editors: Matilda Bathurst, Argyro Nicolaou and Charlotte Wu Friday April 23rd 2010 17 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk FASHION
ON THE CAM
Poolside hunk wears trunks from armani, sunglasses from Von ZiPPler, kirsty wears bikini from accessoriZe, sunglasses from dior, wedges from toPshoP. PhotograPhy: michael derringer 18 Friday April 23rd 2010 Features Ed tor Joe P -Rash d FEATURES www vars ty co uk features@vars ty co uk
A Photography Competition
We asked you to send us your scenes from Cambr dge l fe The W nn ng photo, ‘Kobe, after the ra n’, was subm ed by Adam H nes- Green who should be s ngled out F for pra se There were, of course, lots of stro ng subm ss ons but we don’t have space to show them all, so here s a select on of our favor tes
A Adam Hines-Green (winner) B Dylan Spencer-Davidson C Aurora Horwood D Sarah Tucker E Dylan Spencer-Davidson F Katherine Waters E
B
C D Features Editor: Joe Pitt-Rashid Friday April 23rd 2010 19 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk FEatuREs
L
G Adam Hines-Green H Katherine Waters I Aurora Horwood J Katy King K Katy King L Adam Hines-Green
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I J 20 Friday April 23rd 2010 Arts Ed tors Al ce Hancock and Lara Prendergast ARTS www vars ty co uk arts@vars ty co uk A little light art relief
W th l brary fat gue loom ng and the d st nct poss b l ty of repet t ve stra n n ury from note-tak ng Vars ty wr ters g ve n to the temptat ons of summer and explore alternat ve ways to procrast nate rown exam woes with a drink and watch a play at the same time. The ADC bar might seem a conventional Dplace to forget about exam stress but it’s never been used quite like this. Early enough and short enough not to take up an evening, Jim Cartwright’s Two whirls through a bustling pub, chronicling the various loves, laughs and losses of its clientele, with two actors performing all fourteen parts between them. Comfortably far away from any examined text and hysterically funny, with the odd tragic moment thrown in, this is an excitingly staged, unmissable, exam term escape. Two by Jim Cartwright, April 27th – May 1st, ADC Bar, 5.30pm (£4-£6) OLIVER SODEN
am*Era is the perfect place for student fi lm buffs to break the ubiquitous bubble. It’s the fi rst ever explicitly international student fi lm festival, and it’s Chitting the `bridge at the latter end of May Week – a perfect chance to chill out in front of awesome new work showing across Cambridge from the globe’s best. Sure, exams will be over by then anyway, but there are loads of events to head to in the meantime: either pop along to the Alumni Reception, come hear famous actor Tom Hollander talk, or get involved in the process itself...sure to make you the next Scorsese/Gondry/Mendes in no time. www.cam-era.org Cambridge International Student Film Festival, June 18th-20th (various locations, including Corpus Christi College, Arts Picturehouse, McCrum Lecture Theatre
PATRICK GARETY
unday morning. Your whole week has been spent in the library, and now you fully deserve a day of rest. A day of rest preferably spent outside the constraints of your SCollege. So head to Kettle’s Yard, where every Sunday morning they are hosting a morning ‘coffee concert’. With genres ranging from a ‘hip harpsichordist’ to an ‘exploration of musical and poetic approaches to technology’, these concerts will remind you of a world outside of the library. Plus there’s coffee included – perfect for when you eventually decide to venture back to the library. Sunday Coffee Concerts, all concerts begin at 12 noon with a short introduction. Coffee is served from 11:30am in the gallery. Concerts are about an hour long. JONNY CANTER
ake to the streets for an evening of protest. 'Reclaim the Night' is a march through Cambridge, with participants demanding better street lighting in the Tcity. Better street lighting means safer streets for both men and women, so if you want to have an impact on making your University city a safer place to live, then get on board. The actual march is somewhat controversially only open to women, but men can also get involved in a solidarity demonstration from 8.15pm outside Great St Mary's. An important protest against sexual violence, this is a very good reason to put your books down. You don't have to be an ardent feminist to want to feel safe at night. So exercise your right to free speech, and consider getting involved.
Reclaim the Night, 8th May, Parker’s Piece, 8:30pm LARA PRENDERGAST Arts Ed tors Al ce Hancock and Lara Prendergast Friday April 23rd 2010 21 arts@vars ty co uk www vars ty co uk ARTS
f you can tear yourself away from the UL just once this term, make sure it’s to visit the latest exhibition of one of British art’s household names. IThe Fitzwilliam’s latest feat, opening April 27th, promises to be the perfect antidote for exam stress by reminding you of the pointlessness of all this revision malarkey in comparison to the awesome power of nature. You’re guaranteed to feel like a right wally for fretting about your oral exams when confronted by Hambling’s arresting depictions of the sea’s epic strength. You’ll leave imbued with fresh perspective on the meaning of life…and get way more revision done with such a clear head.
Maggi Hambling: The Wave at The Fitzwilliam from April 27th LOUISE LONG
avid Mitchell doesn’t like it. Feminists positively loathe it. Me? Despite my limbs being Dseemingly separate entities to my body, come Sunday at 6pm when the Union opens its Blue Room to the ‘Pole Fitness’ instructor, I’ll be limbering up to trans- form into a supple seductress with skills that would give the Stringfellow’s girls a run for their money. ‘Empower- ing’ the young Germaine Greers or reversing the results of those burnt bras, these no-boys-allowed classes are a bootyli- cious break from the clammy grips of the librarians. For Girl Power, buns of steel and the satisfaction of doing something you know your parents would hate: Jude, call me Alice. Pole Fitness, Sundays 6-7pm, Blue Room at The Union (Union members £2, Non-members £6, booking advisable) CLEMMIE HAIN COLE
ou’ve been staring out of the window for innumberable hours. You’ve read everything else you can think of aside from the books that matter. What to do? Continue your Ypursuit of alternative reading matter down an even more alternative path? The Libra Aries Bookshop, although unfortunately recently closed, is resurrecting itself for a tea party on the 2nd May and, get this, not only can you have a cup of tea and an oppurtunity to browse books such as ‘The Geomancer’s Guide to the Vastupurusa Mandala’ but you also get to walk and build a Peace Labyrinth... Libra Aries Tea Party, May 2nd at the Bharat Bhavan (old Mill Road library, by the railway bridge) from 1pm to 5pm ALICE HANCOCK
ith endless days in the library looming, the fi rst thing to fl y out the window is often your dress sense. If the tedium of stash and jeans is getting you down, Wthen the King’s College clothes swap is a revision break must. Simply bring your old clothes along, swap them with other's old stuff, and then return to College as a shiny new you. De-clutter your wardrobe at the same time as giving your clutteed mind a well deserved break. Then step back into the library in your new 'stash'. That's got to be good for your work ethic.
Clothes Swap, May 1st, Mumby Room, King’s College, 12:20 - 4:20pm CECILY BREARLEY
ILLUSTRATIONS BY OLIVIA AMATO-PACE 22 Friday April 23rd 2010 Arts Ed tors Al ce Hancock and Lara Prendergast FEATURES www vars ty co uk arts@vars ty co uk
Arts Comment Classics Revisited
Su r-co ted women’s wr t n s they are degraded by the language ZELJKA MAROSEVIC used to discuss them, as though deme n n to the f rer sex they do not deserve to be addressed properly. lamour’ magazine has But the linguist Robin Lakoff, Certainly this language isn’t Histrionic taglines encourage a favourite word: ‘hot’. amongst others, long ago identifi ed gendered; lads’ mags also engage a female readership to engage in ‘GEverything is ‘hot’. Stylish these characteristics as specifi c to gleefully in their own form this same demeaning mind- Italo Calvino women are ‘hot’, denim is ‘hot’, language used by women. So surely of sensationalised set. These magazines are If on a winter’s night a accessories are ‘hot’; spring style these magazines are right to engage banter. But the big popular- ‘Glamour’ traveler (1979) is ‘super-hot’. ‘Grazia’ is fanatical in ‘women-speak’, their readers’ difference is that prides itself on being about this word too; its pages are native language? women’s magazines ‘Britain’s No. 1 Sit back. Fold the newspaper positively smoking with the adjec- Except that most women don’t are read and taken Women’s Magazine’- so you can see it properly. Do tive. Of course the word doesn’t communicate in this way, and to more seriously. and have come to you have enough light? Are you actually mean anything, and neither suggest that they do immediately Not confi ned to stand as representa- comfortable? Relax and imagine do the plethora of other empty assumes one type of identity for the top shelf in the tives for modern settling down to the crisp satis- adjectives which plague women’s the modern woman, and a rather newsagent, they womanhood. But this faction of a new novel. Absorbed magazines (see also: ‘totally cool’, dangerous one. For a language attempt to combine representation is not in a mystery of unexpected ‘super-pretty, ‘sooo fabulous’). formed by erratic and slippery their frivolity with one with which we should events at a deserted station, you However they are demonstrative signifi ers suggests that the users sincere topics (an interview feel comfortable; how can turn the page to fi nd that - wait of a certain type of language which of this language, too, have unstable with the country’s leading female women be taken seriously when the - the page is blank. The sentence infi ltrates a whole spectrum of identities which are only ever politicians; an article following language they appear to use is that drifts off. You throw the book magazines, from the weekly throw- reactive and emotional. The super- a woman’s recovery from breast of excitable adolescents rather than away in anger at the incapabili- aways like ‘Grazia’, to supposedly fl uous use of exclamation marks is cancer) but when these pieces are intelligent individuals? These publi- ties of the publishing industry. highbrow offerings such as ‘Vogue’. particularly humiliating, evoking surrounded by declarations such cations should be a platform for You return to the bookshop and This is the linguistic domain of an infantilised, hysterical female as, ‘Like a Krispy Kreme binge, exploring the varying and complex demand an exchange. The owner, abbreviation, exaggeration and culture which communicates in high he’s irresistible but makes you feel forms of the female identity; let’s is of course sorry, Sir. He wraps exclamation, where expression is pitched squeals. But their usage a bit sick afterwards’, it’s hard to have women’s magazines that another copy of it up for you. unacceptable until exploded into also implies nervousness; they are break through the sugar coated converse in a language that articu- You return to your chair, light hyperactive outbursts or saccha- the punctuation of an anxious, eager language barrier. These concerns lates the ingenuity and intellect of your cigarette and begin reading. rine digressions (‘OMG!’- ‘Grazia’; to please communicator, rather than are important, and should be of their readers. Now that’s something But this is an entirely different ‘sugar coated jewels offer sweet an interlocutor who is confi dent in interest to the whole of society, not that would be worth exclaiming book altogether... ALICE HANCOCK pickings this summer’- ‘Vogue’) asserting her ideas and concerns. just a female readership. Instead, about.
FOOD & DRINK A Medieval Feast In her l st food column, Ros e Corner, V rs t ’s tchen M den ets med ev l on o’ ss
fter a fi ve course record of a 1465 feast held for the broccoli and bread huddled around banquet you’d want enthronement of the Archbishop around a seawater-mirror as “A coffee and liqueurs of York where the guests troughed if attending some sort of fi shy wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t through “one hundred and foure trade union meet, followed by a suddenly decide to round it all off oxen, one thousand muttons, three crusades-inspired pork, chicken with a bowl of pap, would you? thousand piggs and one hundred and turkey pie laced with vast Just so you could have an extra and three pasties of venison cold”. amounts of turmeric and decorated course?...I’m not saying you need And that was just the entrée. with roses, freesias and a lilac to know when to stop…You need to Time constraints and the lack rabbit. Dessert would have know when to push away your plate of a noblewoman’s purse been individual goldfi sh and call for those liqueurs.” restricted my bowls: wineglasses These words of wisdom come containing a mango- from the indomitable Armande in fi sh suspended in Joanne Harris’s Choco- prosecco jelly on lat– don’t worry dear a bed of gravel reader, I’m not about made from sour to kick the bucket millions. Sadly, blue just yet, but I am millions not only about to bow out of end up dying the the Varsity food ‘water’ a very frontline and murky green, this will be my they also prevent fi nal culinary the gelatine offering–so from setting let’s go out the jelly with a bang. for at least This week’s three days. feast is based on Oh, if only I medieval banquets, had an R&D where the appearance of team like Heston food, a visceral display of wealth Blumenthal… and pomp, was just as important choice of dishes, but not my So, best of luck with the nasties, as what the stuff actually tasted ambition to produce dishes which remember to eat and remember like. Hundreds of chefs would have both looked and tasted quite what George Bernard Shaw said: slaved for weeks to produce such spectacular. For starters an edible “There is no love sincerer than the feasts; my particular favourite is a rockpool: fresh shellfi sh, seaweed, love of food.” Med eval banquet, Loch Fyne-style Reviews and Listings Editor: David Pegg Friday April 23rd 2010 23 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Listings Listings Pick of the Week Jonny Sweet and Nick Mohammed adc theatre, sat 23.00 (£5/6) Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Comedy Awards 2009 + Man Behind Hit Radio 4 Comedy Series Quarters = Bloody Funny Hour of Your Life.
Music Talks Film & Nightlife Theatre Arts & Events
The Ghost Friday April 23rd Frimston and Rowett Ongoing Exhibitions Friday April 23rd vue cinemas, daily 12.00, 14.50, 17.40, 20.40, Claudio Monteverdi: adc theatre, fri 23.00 (£5/6) Myth and Meaning in the (except fri, sat, wed also 23.30 and sat, sun Sculpture Promenade 2010 also 9.20) Vespers You just want to say fitzwilliam museum lawns, until 25th Law of Murder There are two major warning girton college hall, 20.00 (£4/10) Pick “Laurel and Hardy”, october (free) mill lane lecture rooms, 14:00 (free) The celebrated Sculp- signs with this film. First, Pierce Choralists and instrumentalists of the don’t you? Thankfully, Professor Graham Virgo week Pick ture Promenade Pick Brosnan as the (serious) lead. from across the university join Frimston and Rowett examines real cases and Theatre of the is returning to the of the Second, McGregor’s native Scots forces to perform Monteverdi’s are recent graduates week hypothetical scenarios grounds of the Fitzwil- week accent has been banished which magnum opus. Booking ahead and very much alive, Arts to explore how we liam for a second year. Events usually spells a similar dismissal for essential. despite having fought, loved and define murder in a legal It’s a free installation of work by any acting skills. lost together. One hour of comedy context and how one might defend Sunday April 25th talented, contemporary sculptors such a charge in court. Ambitious Coffee Concert: Joby shouldn’t pose too much of a problem. from the Royal British Society. psychopaths welcome. Burgess and the Southbank Set in the glorious weather, the Gamelan Players Riders to the Sea North Lawn Café will also be open Sunday April 25th kettle’s yard, 12.00 (£4/6) clare chapel, fri 20.00 for hot drinks, cakes and light Coton Countryside Reserve Percussionist Joby Burgess and Vaughan Williams’s 40 minute refreshments. Natural History Walk and the Javanese Gamelan Ensemble tragedy nestles into Clare Chapel. Survey perform an avant-garde impro- It’s a beautiful setting. It’s a beauti- David Bennett Paintings coton countryside reserve, 14:00 visational program of East-West ful piece. And it’s short. cambridge contemporary art, until 26th april (free) Face it: this is gonna be the worst musical fusion. So globally Kursk Bennett’s work leads out of an term ever. You’re going to be aware you can already smell the interest in the English garden, stressed and busy and then fail FairTrade coffee. the junction, fri 20.00 sat 14.30, 20.00 (£6/12) The Russian submarine disaster reflecting upon it through mixtures your exams. You know what you I Am Love Levellers of August 2000 inspired Bryony of action painting and pattern- need? A nice long walk. Comes with making. He is interested in the arts picturehouse, see website for details the junction, 19.00 (£19.50) Lavery’s depiction of a British a free survey. If you can push past the cringe- Anti-capitalist, anti- sub on patrol in the Arctic. Get on struggles between an unkempt Pick nature and those who garden Monday April 26th worthy title, a melodrama about pollution, anti-fame: http://www.soundandfury.org.uk/ The Evil Empire Strikes the Italian aristocracy lies in wait. of the the Levellers pretty kursk/ and indulge in the trailer. and control it. This exhibition week showcases various Bennetts, which Back: The 2008 Financial Intriguing? Yes. Pretentious? Oh, Music much hate everything. Yep. There’s a trailer. probably. A 90s punk band are also for sale from £450. Crisis from a Hedge Fund largely ignored by Steel Magnolias Manager’s Perspective adc theatre, tue-thu 19.45 (£6/9) The Cambridge Street Clash of the Titans the mainstream, they’re bringing n7, pembroke college, 18:00 (free) vue cinemas, daily 13.00, 15.30, 18.00, 20.40 (except Bring Kleenex. It’s been a Broad- Project: an Ideas Exhibition their unique brand of rage-fuelled Greedy scumbag Ewan Kirk, sat, sun, thurs 10.30 and fri. sat, wed 23.20) way and cinema hit, and you will cac gallery, city hall annex, until june 11th anarchy to Cambridge. Go see the (free) manager of $1bn Cambridge- CGI demons and a man fighting laugh and weep your cynicism band from yesterdecade that you’ve A diverse group of ten local artists based hedge fund Camtab Capital against the ultimate force of evil away. Like P.S. I Love You meets never heard of. have been selected as finalists Partners, tries to justify his with a heavy metal soundtrack. My Sister’s Keeper, with a little for a Public Art Commission in efforts to single-handedly destroy I love it when America does ancient Type 1 Diabetes thrown in: you Tuesday April 27th Cambridge. Each artist has devel- our economy before a room of mythology. know you love it. Britten Sinfonia at Lunch oped a site-specific proposal for angry, shrieking students without Repo Man west road concert hall, 13.00 (£3/4/7) the Cambridge Street Corridor prospects. Should be fun. vue cinemas, fri, sat, wed, thurs 23.30 Two Continuing the alarming trend of – a one-mile stretch of Cambridge Jude Law reclaims unpaid-for body music associated adc theatre bar, tue-sat 17.30 (£4/6) Tuesday April 27th It’s the second cheapest Street. Their proposals are on parts in another Hollywood take with nourish- Devil’s Advocate: Celebrities bar in Cambridge, and display in this exhibition. on a medical dystopia. Though it ment, the it’s playing host Have No Automatic Rights seems they haven’t opened up the Britten Sinfonia to an acting duo Tim Head: Raw Material to a Private Life market to hair transplants quite comes with a kettle’s yard, until 9th may (free) who will perform judge business school, 19:30 (free) yet. sandwiches and Having exhibited widely at such fourteen minia- Columnist for The Times David drinks stall. notable venues as MoMA, the ICA, ture pub-based Aaronovitch kicks off a new series Kick Ass There’s also and the Guggenheim Museum, Tim vue cinemas, daily 11.20, 13.50, 16.20, 18.50, 21.20 sketches. If Jim of BBC Radio 4 debates forcing (except sat no 11.20 and fri, wed, thurs also some music, if Head’s digital projections can now prominent thinkers to adopt 23.50) Cartwright’s you’re keen. be seen at Kettle’s Yard. Head Are you ready to KICK ASS? To dour English ethically iffy positions. This round: works with and through computer be honest, I’m not sure I am or ever spirit gets a should odious pointless Hello-dwell- Thursday programs that speak directly to little too much, ing non-entities enjoy the right to will be. April 29th projectors and printers, revealing mimic the art and privacy? Watch the sparks fly. La Roux the underlying material elements of It’s a Wonderful Afterlife corn exchange, 19.30 (£17) hit the gin. vue cinemas, 12.40, 15.20, 17.50, 20.20 (except sat, the digital medium. sun, thurs also 10.30) The hit electropop duo, comprised of You Can’t Stop Kingdom of Ife: Sculptures Pick An Indian mother uses the Beat her killer curry to exact notoriously scowling redhead from West Africa of the adc theatre, tue 23.00 (£5/6) revenge on potential twentysomething Elly Jackson british museum, until june 6th(£7) week An evening of highlights spanning suitors who have and the other one, take to the This is straight up Nigerian medie- Film eighty years of musical theatre snubbed her doughtnut- Cambridge stage for The Gold Tour. valism. The sculpture put before us should provide an ideal anecdote to loving daughter. With such gags Better scour eBay if you’re keen - it portrays a wide cross-section of Ife suicidal levels of The Fear. as ‘currying favour’ it’s hard to see sold out weeks ago. society and include images of youth how this can miss the mark. and old age, health and disease, suffering and serenity. to have something listed on these pages, e-mail david pegg at [email protected] by no later than monday on the week of publication. 24 Friday April 23rd 2010 Reviews Editor: David Pegg REVIEWS www vars ty co uk [email protected]
MUSIC Boxed In PAUL SMITH Bonnie “Prince” Billy & You were wonderful, Marl ng the Cairo Gang THE WONDER SHOW OF THE WORLD
Week 1: The Prisoner
ike an obsessive necro- mancer with too much Ltime on his hands, ITV PB (aka Will Oldham) might has reanimated yet another be America’s greatest living decaying telly corpse. This Bsongwriter. Since 1993 time it’s 60s festival of mental he’s been releasing music under a illness The Prisoner, back variety of names, sketching out a from the ether for a six-episode unique vision of American music miniseries. that is infl uenced by folk traditions Set in a seaside town isolated without being beholden to them. from the real world by endless This new set is spare folk, mountains and oceans, the origi- moving away from the overt nal series depicted the escape country twang of last year’s attempts of Number 6, a retired L in down the L ur Beware; though there are many spy held captive in the comfort- collaborators, they always remain able surroundings of the Village secondary to Oldham. Harmony by the ever-changing Number ‘Devil’s Spoke’, Laura Marling theatrical environment grants her vocals, Emmett Kelly’s muscular 2, who wants 6 to fess up and Laura Marling dispelled any concerns regarding songs a hair-raising resonance, guitar solos, and the occasional reveal why he resigned from the CORN EXCHANGE her precociousness. Seeing Marling superior to that on record. Her touch of miscellaneous percussion service. So far, so dystopian. play live, her youthfulness is voice shines on ‘Failure,’ immacu- add a campfi re warmth to the The series was so totally irrelevant. late in its range from low-pitched, songs while never distracting from divorced from reality that The meandering guitar lines breathy anguish to piercing wails. BPB’s unique, wavering voice. The lead male and creator Patrick aura Marling appears on and harmonies of ‘Ghosts’ were She fl uffs the lyrics and briefl y slow pacing throughout, initially McGoohan had to fl ee furious the Corn Exchange stage enhanced by the backing of a four- stops to apologise. But the spell monotonous, proves to complement fans who congregated outside Lto a clamorous round of piece band. They soon scamper had already been cast, and she the spontaneity and naturalism of his home after it ended, demand- applause. Next month, some of us off, though, leaving Marling alone. resumes as vigourosly as before. the music, as if the musicians are ing an explanation as to just will be sitting exams in the same Once a notoriously shy performer, With her band having returned, feeling around the songs as they what the hell actually happened. venue. Although young enough her confi dence and stage presence she confesses that she’s ‘never play. Although utterly impenetrable to to be an undergraduate, Marling have blossomed. ‘Night Terror’ understood encores’, so jokingly And those songs: excellent as anyone not on the same regimen leads a life far removed from reveals her Grade Eight with warns that the next song will be ever, mixing a Southern Gothic of stimulants with which the late night cramming sessions in distinction whistling capabilities, the penultimate. She ends with seediness with a vulnerable senti- show’s writers seemed to be the library. As fi rst lady of the and she intersperses her songs ‘I Speak Because I Can’, the title mentality. ‘The Sounds Are Always dosing themselves, the series ‘Mumford and the Whale’ folk with sharp anecdotes. track from her new record. Its Begging’ is a loping highlight, in was a landmark in TV, exploring scene, Britain’s most illustrious A solo segment of the show wistful lyrics, regretting never which Oldham sings about teach- previously untouched themes of musical collective since So Solid is used to preview a new song having rid her ‘bike down to the ing his kids to sing, and ‘Go Folks, identity, delusion and collectivism. Crew, she’s recently enjoyed top composed on this tour. It follows a sea / never fi nished that letter I Go’ has a chorus worthy of a power The remake sadly slips up in fi ve album success. similar convention to her current was writing’ make for a powerful, ballad. The excellent lyrics are a number of ways. For the sake Spending a Saturday evening in material: melancholic lyrics over affecting ending. printed on thick wax paper in the of a modern audience, whatever the company of any other 20-year an intricate fi nger-picked guitar Filing out past the merchandise, gorgeous packaging. that is, the story has been old folk artist could have been a line. ‘What’s it called?’ comes a cry an intrepid fan asks if there’s any Despite the well-troddenness ‘updated’ (read: castrated), and twee affair. Support act Alessi’s from the back. But there’s no time chance of an after-gig signing? of folk forms, BPB can somehow Jim Caviezel’s endlessly moody Ark (another nipper, aged 19) to reply; another gig-goer has just Merchandise Lady shakes her still surprise you, whether with and constantly screaming 6 is wore her best Amish costume, professed his love for her. ‘You too’, head, ‘Laura’s very shy’. She really his unexpected chord changes or now beset by fl ashbacks of a but did assure that proceedings Marling mumbles in reply, glancing needn’t be. With a talent like that, occasional weirdly sexual lyrics. life in New York. How this pays would improve upon her depar- awkwardly at the fl oor. Marling can be confi dent that a An excellent modern folk album. off is crucial to the show’s fi nal ture. Indeed, seconds into opener Interruptions aside, the hushed fruitful career lies ahead. PAUL SMITH SCOTT WHITAKER revelations, which, even by Lost standards, are just a little too ‘out there’. LCD Soundsystem than the other two.” ‘Drunk Plan B changed tack with The Defama- Worse still is the direction, THIS IS HAPPENING Girls’ (a Blur-like remix) and ‘Pow THE DEFAMATION OF STRICKLAND BANKS tion of Strickland Banks, a which exceeds even the script Pow’ are punch-confi dent, and mo-town inspired ‘concept album’ in incoherence. The narrative brilliantly bookend the barer, less that tells the story of a man swings around wildly, with lucid tracks in between. From an wrongly incarcerated. In fairness, characters disappearing and eerie infl uence-heavy ‘All I Want’ dubbing it a ‘concept album’ does reappearing without warning (Bowie’s ‘Boys Keep Swinging’, Drew no favours; the concept is and for no obvious reason. Ian anyone?) to ‘Somebody’s Calling neither original nor very interest- McKellen is fantastic as 2, but Me’, an ironic lovesong that ing. ‘Darkest Place’, ‘Traded in crucial to the original’s unnerv- glissandos away its sincerity on My Cigarettes’ and ‘Free’ all offer ing instability was 2’s uncertain crushed piano chords, lethargic levels of character development identity. By replacing the brass and shimmery strings, to that make Guy Ritchie’s work look Everyman as villainous Village ‘I Can Change’, with its kooky nuanced. More of a problem is overseer, McKellen’s 2 becomes looping opening, LCD dish out that, like other parts of the album, naught more than a smirking fl amboyance and variety. Settling they’re musically bland. conspirator with a top hat and on ‘Home’, a mellow echo of the Drew’s vocals are given their cane, like a kind of jail warden his album of tripped-out tapdance hi-hat themes that open lan B doesn’t do subtlety. His dues on the Smokey Robinson- Charlie Chaplin. disco-epics and a cover ‘Dance Yourself Clean’, This Is largely impressive debut inspired ‘Prayin’’ and the If this remake inspires a few Tthat looks suspiciously like Happening resolves into gulping PWho Needs Actions… was melancholy yet brilliant ‘Writings more people with nothing better Bowie’s Lodger is, as the title synth spins and trademark punctuated by colourful rapping on the Wall’. ‘Stay Too Long’ and to do to check out its progenitor, would have you believe, pretty irregular cowbells; this putty- about biros in eyeballs, sex with ‘She Said’, both featuring Drew’s then that’s a positive of sorts. happening. A good thing too, after like electronica might be a (very) 14-year-old girls and crackhead staccato rap, are standouts, full of Otherwise, avoid. DAVID PEGG James Murphy’s infl ated promises worthy successor to Silver on step-dads. energy and sharpness that’s sadly it would defi nitely be “better Sound. ELEANOR CARELESS Yet Ben Drew (aka Plan B) has fl e e t i n g . NATHANAEL ARNOTT DAVIES Rev ews Ed tor Dav d Pegg Friday April 23rd 2010 25 rev ews@vars ty co uk www vars ty co uk REVIEWS
FILM Art & Literature
R c n to lor Tim Head: Raw Material KETTLE’S YARD Shawkat) with whom she works at is just his overdue experience of Whip It local diner, ‘The Oink Joint.’ Salva- VUE what it feels like for most women tion comes through her discovery to watch your average bazooka- f the worst artistic event in of a roller derby league in nearby heavy action splatterfest, and that Cambridge this academic year Austin, the metropolitan state its femme-centred ethos was just was Max Barton’s pathetic ‘No hip It is a lady-empow- capital. There she meets tattoo too much for him. Just as boys are I ering-alterna-sports covered girls with nicknames like apt to forgive the worst excesses of Magic’, then Kettle’s Yard’s current Wmovie that heaps on Smashley Simpson, Eva Destruc- the action movie because they get exhibition comes a close second. clichés, overuses tropes and follows tion and (my personal favourite) to watch cool motherfuckers say Like Barton’s play, it appears angsty, a plotline more predictable than Bloody Holly. Bliss joins the team witty things and machete people, frustrated and defensive about its a chocolate chip Tracker bar. It ‘Hurl Scouts’ earning her own so I can gloss over the occasionally own weaknesses, determined to will no doubt irritate anyone who nickname, Babe Ruthless, and dragging second half of this fi lm. ram those fl aws down the viewer’s considers themselves remotely rapidly becomes the rising star Any lags in zippiness are more throat. These artworks, particularly edgy with its self-conscious, of the derby universe, making an than made up for by the giant when displayed in this setting, fail pseudo-hipster vibe and sound- enemy in previous roller queen rollerskating food fi ghts, underwa- Dust Flowers, 2006 track of indie bands designed to Iron Maven (Juliette Lewis). ter canoodling, or a scene where so strangely that it becomes hard to appeal to thirteen year old outcasts This beautifully goofy fi lm is a screaming Drew Barrymore guess what they even wanted to communicate in the fi rst place. who’ve just discovered black too long, has some wooden perfor- skates smack into a girl dressed To be candid, it’s been too long since Kettle’s Yard put anything nail varnish. But godammit if I mances and teeters between kitsch as an air hostess pummelling her special before us. “Inside Me”, their Michaelmas exhibition wouldn’t go see it all over again. I and plain tacky. The boy I saw it brutally into the ground while The of Helen Almeida’s hyperactive photography, was a bravura bloody loved this fi lm. I loved every with described it as the worst fi lm Breeders’ ‘Bang On’ blasts in the performance perfectly suited to the minimalist and open-plan twist in its well worn plot, I loved he’d ever seen. But I think this background. VICTORIA BEALE setting. Now, however, the gallery has hit rock-bottom with a its obnoxious, catchy tunes and I Lady-empower ng alterna-sports n spades resounding whimper. The decision to display Tim Head’s cold, loved its uncomplicated message; esoteric and abstract art is, to put it lovingly, grossly misguided. when life gets you down, strap on some kick-ass roller skates, pull up Afterall his last commission came from the Biochemistry depart- your fi shnets, race around a tiny ment at Oxford.Working primarily with computer monitors and track in front of a baying crowd of projector screens, Head literally crashes computers and passes beered-up locals, and smash other them off as art. Whatever this might signify (postmodern alien- girls into walls until the buzzer ation anybody?) it never manages to take boredom as a stylistic sounds. principle or lead out of it towards larger artistic concerns. Instead, Our story follows the winsome many of the pieces are simply glorifi ed screen-savers, moments of Bliss Cavendar (Ellen Page), a pixelated stasis occurring in the gaps between real ideas. Their kooky teen who just can’t wait images have all the clarity, precision and authenticity of a Crime- to break free of the strictures of her hokey hometown, Bodeen, watch reconstruction video. They are so lacking in intensity and Texas. She resignedly complies memorability that one begins to wonder whether Head might not with her mother’s insistence that actually be a pseudonym for Henman. Generally, they work in a she compete in the cluster of local similar way to The Tab: an electronic exercise in having nothing beauty pageants, and fi nds her only to say. Ultimately, there’s a lot of raw material in this exhibition; solace in best friend Pash (Alia but there’s defi nitely not a lot that matters. ELIOT D’SILVA
attention paralysed. company. Literary Roudup Shutter Island THE WEB ARTS PICTUREHOUSE Marooned on a small island The tiny, outcast island makes housing the criminally insane, the perfect setting for a fi lm whose DiCaprio plays Teddy Daniels, a peculiar brand of horror leaves US marshal sent with his partner, you feeling more disturbed than corsese and DiCaprio are Chuck (Mark Ruffalo) to investi- outright scared. The increasingly o begins the term of procrastination. When Facebook proves an intimidating double act gate the disappearance of a patient. inclement weather also does well itself to be nothing more than a momentary pleasure and Sand Shutter Island only Quicker than a tense string solo to fortify Teddy’s loss of grip on friends’ statuses begin to read like suicide notes, it will reinforces that reputation. Now, and a power cut, it becomes clear reality as he is haunted by images S be time to look for more compassionate offerings from the web. when I say ‘reinforce’, I really that there is something a tad of his dead wife. mean it underlines it several times underhand going on here. As Scorsese’s masterstroke here Don Paterson, reading ‘The Lover’ in his deep Dundee tones in big, black felt-tip pen. This is conspiracies go it perhaps isn’t is taking in standard clichés (poetryarchive.org) is such an offering. ‘Even sitting quiet in a an old school thriller that relies on the most original but that doesn’t and churning them out as more locked room/ the perils are infi nite and unforeseeable’, he purrs, atmosphere rather than gore and seem to matter all that much stylised, enigmatic versions of making you believe that someone fi nally understands. This website, steely acting instead of special when you’ve got DiCaprio and themselves, immediately putting a catalogue of poets reading their work, is something of a gold mine. effects to keep palms clammy and some creepy mental patients for the work of many a daytime A particular feature, which allows you to browse by theme, seems makeover show to shame. One to have been created with exam term in mind; themes encompass fl agrant example of this is the ‘fear’, ‘guilt’, ‘regret’, ‘apocalypse’. horror-movie storm set piece. This is given a new lease of life On stackmagazines.com, you can browse the best of independent by a host of eery outbuildings and publications without leaving your desk-chair. It will lead you to well-pitched dialogue between sites such thedrawbridge.org.uk, a journal which invites writers Teddy and Chuck. The only time to refl ect creatively and critically on altering themes. Its thorough Scorsese steps out of line is in a archive of past articles and subjects should carry you through rodent-based delusion of Teddy’s to May Week (‘Trust’, ‘Freedom’, Home’). If you like this sort that seems pointlessly overdone of thing, nplusonemag.com abounds with comment, reviews and in comparison with the rest of the creative writing. I skipped the article on the homepage, ‘Failure’, fi lm’s sparse sleekness. and opted instead for an intriguing piece entitled ‘On Magic As the crescendo hits we get a whopper of a twist that turns the Feelism’. whole thing upside down. What, at There’s also plenty of visual stimulus to be found online: fi rst, may look like a bit of a get-out bookcoverarchive.com, a website wholly dedicated to book progresses however to a clever design, is a bibliophile’s dream while readerville.com/index.php/ conclusion which isn’t so much journal/ blogs on the most coveted covers. On these sites you can satisfying as fi tting. A thriller that re-connect with the simple pleasures of books, without having to lives up to its sinister packaging. read a single one. ZELJKA MAROSEVIC The Int m dat ng Mr D Capr o KATIE ANDERSON 26 Friday April 23rd 2010 Theatre Ed tor Ab ga l Dean T EATRE www vars ty co uk theatre@vars ty co uk
KEITH PATTISON View from the Kursk THE JUNCTION Groundlings
f course, it is apt that this play about the UK subma- Orine sent to monitor Kursk, the Russian nuclear cruise missile submarine that famously sank in August 2000, should be executed in an immersive production. Seated in the gallery of The Junction’s theatre, and standing amongst the set, the audience prepares to be submerged in this remarkable theatrical production, while the Cambridge Theatre characters are heard calling their loved ones for the last time before xam term is all around the submarine embarks on its you, and so the feeling mission. Egrows. There are Throughout the play, and ambulances parked outside through brilliant sound effects, the the UL and everybody’s taken theatre company, Sound&Fury, four seamen and their commander brilliance. of forty words, read out over inter- up jogging and Omega-3. But thoroughly crafts the experience cope with separation from loved This defi cit becomes more spersed recordings, the submarine there are easier ways through. of being on a submarine. The ones and the boredom of submarine frustrating with the somewhat itself. It is no surprise that a play Once a week, toddle down to whole theatre clunks, rattles and life. Although the opening lines, sledge-hammered theme of poetry. rooted in collaborations between the theatre of your choice and shakes with authenticity, and delivered by ‘New Dad’ Mike As Donnie Black (Ian Ashpitel) the Arvon Foundation and devis- focus on something that isn’t a Tannoy communications between (Tom Espiner), promise absurd ing theatre companies would hold 5kg textbook. After all, there’s the characters create a buzz laddish behaviour, the jokes are poetry as an interest, and collab- a play to cure pretty much every of anticipation from the start. surprisingly tame. The inclusion orative writer Bryony Lavery revision crisis. Clever lighting exactly directs of named Russian dolls, gentle “The whole should be commended for avoiding Alcohol withdrawal: Two is the audience’s focus throughout, teasing about masturbation and the pretentiousness whilst including set in the ADC bar, commencing keeping heads turning to the scene occasional juvenile role-play are theatre clunks, poetic readings and monologues. next Tuesday. If you insist upon of action. all that breaks up the professional There is a number of small avoiding the temptation of a wall Suspense is maintained by atmosphere. The relationships rattles and messages that can be taken from of beverages, there’s always moments of infectious anxiety on between the characters are only Kursk, but the presence of poetry the chance you’ll get drunk on the submarine, as seemingly minor fl eetingly jestful and could seem shakes.” would suggest that one deeper the air. Besides, it’s on at 17.30, details like a faint but inexplicable a great deal more intimate if and wider meaning is to be found. which is pint o’clock, no doubt. clicking sound send the characters the production was braver in becomes increasingly interested Unfortunately, unless this message Self-pity: Yeah, so your into tangible despair. The audience its humour. The company might in haikus, in which “something is as trite as an objection to nuclear friends at other universities sat remains on tenterhooks even when achieve its aim to offer an authentic big and meaningful is condensed armament, it is lost in the play’s two pre-released papers back exposed to the jocular attitudes of glimpse of life on the Cold War into a small space”, this idea of preoccupation with the superfi cial. in March, wrote a 600-word the naval characters, presented by submarine, but the lacking banter compacted meaning becomes a Kursk is worth seeing for the dissertation, and are now a capable cast that boasts impres- exposes a problem in the play; it motif, represented by a variety of experience, but expect little more lying on pavements in random sive theatre and fi lm credits. prevents the substance to make it symbols: the Russian dolls, Mike’s than sonic stimulation. cities, surrounded by cans of We play the silent observer as more than a showcase of technical baby, the characters’ ‘familygrams’ JESSICA JENNINGS Strongbow. But it could always be worse. Maurya, focus of Vaughan Williams’ Riders to the imon gift for acces- ypical. You with the full orches- Sea, has lost her husband, fi ve Russell Simon Russell Beale sible academic wait all year Riders to the Sea tra and haunting, sons and father in law, and she’s Beale’s ADC THEATRE thought made for a singing, CLARE CHAPEL beautifully enunci- S T PREVIEW still smiling. Well. Singing, at ADC Q&A, Q & A one believe that mourning, black- ated female vocals, least. Either way, get down to intended as a he could boil veiled Irish peasant, one of this produc- Clare Chapel tonight, and get prologue for the (disappoint- down Aquinas’s Summa Theolog- and a whole chorus of them turns tion’s true strengths. The chorus, over yourself. ingly cancelled) Marlowe Society ica into a curt, violent karaoke up at once. Riders to the Sea, for example, spends the majority The Fear: Tales of Terror production of The Alchemist, was a rendition. Ralph Vaughan Williams’s one-act of the performance seated silently is, rather fabulously, hitting whimsical and somewhat tenderly Yet for a man once described opera based on the play by J.M. around Maurya and her daughters the ADC on 25th and 26th May. insightful talk. The 49-year-old as ‘the greatest stage actor of his Synge, is a grief-laden piece with on the fl oor, their faces obscured by Mid-hell. These are ‘gentle actor is a rare angelic mongrel, a generation’, he was humbly reluc- – at a running time of under forty black hooded shrouds. This offered thrills and pleasing terrors’, so thespian with intellect, and his self- tant to fl ash about. While this is minutes – probably more deaths a potent and striking reminder, (if you might not be able to scare observed musings on Mammon, always a happily met quality, one per minute than the last act of a little unhelpfully reminiscent of yourself to that much-desired verse-deliverance and the word felt that he never deeply excavated Hamlet. lilliputian Death Eaters) of a life death, but hell, at least you’ll be ‘good’ in Hamlet exampled this the struggles of acting tough Opening with a sorrow-stricken permanently on the edge of pain experiencing The Fear of a new duality. fare. Another under-explicated scene in which Maurya, played by and loss. When they do rise, their variety. The Jonson-centric discussions issue was his time at Cambridge. Grace Durham, has already lost sorrowful melodies, steeped in the Boredom: A common malady. weighed opaque gobbets from While the inferno of note-taking her husband, father-in-law and fi ve Irish tradition of vocal lament, Glossing Troilus and Cressida is Eliot and Coleridge with Beale’s student actors clearly wanted a beloved sons to the sea, and ending combined with the music’s dark, potentially the one activity duller witty account of a botched Royal few handy anecdotes to set them with the similarly aquatic death of immersive tonality, seem to enhance than watching bad paint dry. Joe Shakespeare Company right to stardom, Beale gently her remaining son, this opera often the claustrophobia experienced by Orton’s Entertaining Mr Sloane audition. When brow- spoke of his dry routine and comes across as an isolated denoue- this woman. The threatening abyss features murder, love triange, beating his way through “plodder” mentality while a ment, albeit in the much revered that lies offstage, at the entrance violence and comedy, and it’s the necessities of “Jonson student himself. Yet there nautical horror genre, cut off from to Clare Chapel, becomes increas- hitting the Corpus Playroom in today”, he chin-wagged a were moments of genuine its dramatic moorings. Yet, in the ingly hostile to Maurya, played by Week 3. Good, good paint. swift reference about coalescence. Beale’s brief hands of director Imogen Tedbury, Durham with near-perfect shades of Short-sightedness: Oh, they Nicholas “Nick” exchange with Simon this is no bad thing, focusing as she ferocity and dignity. will never end. But actually, Hytner’s shady Haines threw engag- does on Maurya’s cathartic fi nal And this was the dress rehearsal. they will. And when they do, recollection of ing light on Cassius’ monologue in which the widow’s With minor gripes corrected, you’d better have stuff to look staging his suicide promises grief evolves to acceptance, including an unhelpful invisible forward to. The ADC Applica- production – and displayed supported by Vaughan Williams’s walking stick, and some incongru- tion deadline for Michaelmas in modern more of his famous swelling score and simple, sensitive ous glam rock-inspired make-up, Term is 4th May. That’s almost dress. This universal knack. choreography. Riders to the Sea is set to impress. as important as the election. uncanny EDWARD HERRING In fact, the staging was, along HAXIE MEYERS BELKIN JESSICA LAMBERT Goodluck, and godspeed to May Week. Break a leg. GUIDE TO STAR RATINGS THE TITANIC THE MARY CELESTE CRUISER ADMIRAL ABRAMOVITCH’S £300 MILLION ABIGAIL DEAN SPECIAL THE ICEBERG Theatre Editor: Abigail Dean Friday April 23rd 2010 27 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk THEATrE
Sheeps on without them. And, as every show consisted of ‘the show’ and all performance. That’s not neces- adc lateshow good choirboy can tell you, just the bits that weren’t good enough sarily a bad thing, but sometimes Incoming as the prodigal son gets a pretty to get in ‘the show,’ which were it wasn’t ‘big laughs’ funny. That warm reception, so too were the performed before ‘the show’. “Kind is, of course, until they staged a audience last night rather welcom- of like extras on a DVD”, explained medley of the new musical they’re ing. Enthusiastic, I’d say. Well, Roberts, “though they come before working on, based on Dickens’s heeps is a bloody silly name enthusiastic, bordering on gener- the main event and you haven’t Oliver Twist. After spotting a for anything, if you ask ous, perhaps, because in the first got any choice, you have to watch gap in the market, the boys have Sme, let alone a three-man three minutes the word ‘vignettes’ them.” composed a rip-roaring set of sketch show. Then again, I suppose got a laugh, and that’s not really On the whole, I thought the showtunes with lines like, “Please, because it’s a grammatical error the most hilarious word I can think early sketches were pretty good, sir, can I have seconds?” and (nerds, I know, specifically it’s a of like, erm... what about flippidy- but their slapdash, kind of impro- “Selling! I’m selling this boy!” morphological error) it does have jizzbit? Or Hazel Blears? vised delivery did make the guys The main event was a little more a sort of je ne sais quoi about That said, the boys soon lived up look like just three mates having consistent and was very, very Hitchcock Blonde it, doesn’t it? Like those bloody to expectations. Essentially, the a laugh rather than putting on a funny. Especially sparkly moments government ads that kept me Katy King came with Liam Williams’s up half the night cause they told disgruntled beach comber and oday’s world appears to everyone to drive ‘five miles less,’ the premier of Daran Johnson’s provide an ever-growing not ‘five miles fewer’. Actually, musical Fusspots and Worrypans. Tnumber of attractions now that I come to think about it, Special mention should go to for the voyeur. While Google perhaps Sheeps isn’t such a terrible Alistair Roberts, who not only did Maps provides the most readily name for the show after all, a weirdly convincing mutant, but available fix, there remain because that’s exactly what is was also did a hilarious bit as a nervous a number of more elaborate like: kind of a balls-up, kind of silly, rapper pleading with his bitch not alternatives. The lobby of kind of frenzied and, to be honest, to divorce him. The latter of which Hollywood’s Standard Hotel kind of, erm, hilarious. may well be my favourite rap song houses a giant glass box, an The three performers used ever. installation that is typically to be regulars at the ADC. Ultimately, its a sketch show and inhabited by a beautiful woman. Liam Williams, Daran Johnson so it’s bound to be a bit hit and miss Closer to home, a wave of young and Alistair Roberts: three every so often. However, when architects are eager to satisfy ex-Footlights regulars who have it did hit the mark, Sheeps was a growing demand for glass decided, after taking the show up warm, playful and frankly bloody houses – particularly popular, it and down the country, just to pop hysterical. appears, in densely populated back to see how the place is getting nathan brooker urban areas. Even clean-cut commercial institutions have no qualms about indulging our his year and dolls ome the Cambridge fantasies. A recent GAP adver- (as you Cambridge Drama to inject election, Smoker smugness tisement allows us to design adc lateshow Tprobably Festival fantasy CI’m – and there a virtual person (of, I believe, don’t already into their voting ash. Nick wasn’t a single either sex), before fulfilling its mumford theatre know) marks arguments. Clegg in all bum note. legend: Watch Me Change. the 42nd Smith was his borrowed We had good And yet somehow the theatre, Cambridge bolshy, glory could not sketches, but the most inherently voyeuristic Drama Festival, part of the All with an underlying vulnerability, compete with the inexorable rise more impressively we had great of institutions, does not seem to England Theatre Festival, which and Abbs reminded the reviewer of the best thing ever to have come stand-up. Adam Lawrence was a have cottoned on. There is rarely showcases the best of the country’s of Matt Smith’s Timelord, all out of Iceland (Ikea was the other wonderful, natural presence at the a real awareness of the guilty, amateur dramatics. It seemed spindly nervosity and wonder. The lot, right?) which culminated in a mic, so much so that his previous greedy pleasure we get from appropriate then that We Make acting wasn’t expansive enough starring role for our favourite mass incarnations as a gurning Tigger- peeping on the private lives of Babies, a new piece by the young for the size of the venue, and the of jet-bothering carcinogens in the for-hire seem a total waste of his strangers. Having bought our Sean Abbs, demonstrated several exuberant youth of the characters first Smoker of this term. undoubted talent. Jacob Shepard way in, we are either included or different approaches to theatre meant that parenthood was never Like the ash, whose only was equally assured, and equally ignored by the actors, but, in any as its young couple argued about entirely credible. To the play’s downside is its habit of creating excellent. Danish Babar delivered event, always innocent. Not once whether to have a child. The set credit, however, in the couple’s final news footage of budget holidayers a set that, as smoke was sprayed have I left the theatre feeling adopted by the Estrella Theatre musings, directed at the audience, streaked with rivulets of cheap through the auditorium, appropri- even a little bit depraved. A Company was simple, studioesque: it became clear that this was mascara, and ugly suitcases, ately brought the house down. blessing? Or a disappointment? two stools and a trunk like a child’s precisely the point. this Smoker was pretty much all I’m not sure how to categorise Alfred Hitchcock, on the other dressing up box, from which all the The Mumford Theatre hosted two good. An early blip – some guy other highlights – chief among hand, had calculated deprav- props were produced. The sense plays on Tuesday evening: second pretending to his girlfriend they them Lucien Young’s exquisite ity down to a fine art: think that the couple (Kattreya Smith up was the Settlement Players’ were on holiday, or something – parody of the as-yet-unpublished Norman Bates staring through and Abbs himself) were the real take on Joe Orton’s The Ruffian was followed by a set of middling Jordan novel Topaz – but the fact is his peephole at the semi-naked children of the piece was reinforced on the Stair, a tricky customer to quality by determined stand-upper that most of this stuff was fucking Marion Crane in Psycho, ‘Scottie’ by the actors’ playful and polished tackle. The surface of his plays Pierre Novellie, and it looked like brilliant. And you probably missed Ferguson chasing a fantasy up use of physical theatre, mime, reads 1960s kitchen sink drama, we could be on something of a it. Feel excluded? Welcome to the the tower in Vertigo, and Jeff robert evans something which the set of this downer. aftermath of the 2010 election, Jeffries following the course of production faithfully reflected. His From then on in, however, it when you and your pinko fruitloop his neighbours’ lives in Rear language and characters, however, was pretty much all gold. Discount friends will be sitting around liber- Window. Hitchcock Blonde will go beyond the ‘normal’ to uncover one aberration – a love poem to ally, and I’ll be toasting four more be no different. something stranger. Here, there Shakespeare that was ghastly in years of lash, gash, and ash. GeorGe The play depicts the dark was Mike, a dubious business- its hand-wringing clever-clever reynolds side of obsession, charting the man who also happened to have daniel strange relationships between those killed someone, and his put-upon, who watch and those who are constantly shocked wife Joyce, watched: “I glance upwards and who also happened to have been a there, high up on the gantry, is a prostitute. The problem with this man. No one but me knows he’s production was that many of the there. His gaze is our secret.” absurd obscurities and non-sequi- Hitchcock Blonde will tempt turs were played straight and the perverts and the Peeping glossed over. Alex Miles as Wilson, Toms. And you may well decide the bereaved gay hairdresser, was that, for a night, you want to join the saving grace, relishing the them. absurdities of his lines with a giggly Binoculars will not be menace. Through his performance, provided, and photography is it was possible to glimpse the black not permitted. comedy of his suicidal intrusion into emma violet makinson the couple’s life. The rest was sadly rather flat, and left the dark heart emma is co-directing hitchcock blonde, showing at the adc theatre, march hidden below the ‘period’ surface. 10th-12th. paul merchant looking good and dressing well are essential. having a purpose in life is not.
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Varsity Crossword no. 525 Sudoku Kakuro
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 dle of display (12) The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to Fill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the satisfy only one condition: each row, column and 3x3 total in the box above or to the left. Use only numbers 24 Scrape top off part of sleeve (4) box must contain the digits 1 through 9 exactly once. 1-9, and never use a number more than once per run (a number may reoccur in the same row in a separate run). 9 25. Racing around - no time when storm spreads in mountains (10) 4 7 8 3 10 26. Time with soap backed to wash this off? (4) 9 8 2 6 21 17 6 11 27. “Clear off”, headless pseud reacts 20 to Christ’s blessings (10) 7 9 14 31 12 8 4 2 3 19 Down 19 13 14 2 1 6 11 6
h Moor E h 6 1. Animal’s leg muscle (4) 6 2 5 1 ET 15 16 17 6 16 Moor E h 2. Encourage to destroy Oriental rug ET (4) 6 3 5 3. References to benefit matches (12) 4 5 8 7 31 4. Respond to shattered crate (5) 18 19 10 5. Car meek accountant destroyed for 7 3 6 2 G Ar BY MADE / www.puzzlemix.com
sticky treat (5,4) G Ar BY MADE / www.puzzlemix.com 7. Mixture firm sergeant, say, caught The Varsity Scribblepad one with; no going back! (10) 20 21 8. I retreated, went round, and did it again (10) Hitori 22 23 11. Whim in considered fashion? (12) 13. Accepted untidy Parisian who Shade in the squares so that no number occurs more 24 25 than once per row or column. Shaded squares may not accedes (10) be horizontally or vertically adjacent. Unshaded squares 14. My arrows in collier’s passages (10) must form a single area. 16. Eternal difficulty around at change- over (9) 26 27 21. Sailor books fortune-teller’s cards 1 3 7 6 7 4 7 (5) 3 4 3 1 6 1 5 Across (6,2,4) 22. Brought up to bartend oddly? (4) 15. Bewildered, Cathi takes notes after 23. A Goddess comes from within - this 1. Mitigate (10) Teletubby makes sausage (9) i see (4) 3 7 5 4 7 2 7 6. End of pashmina slips, revealing 17. Actor used ten times in a lifetime? disfigurement (4) (5) Last issue’s solutions 6 2 7 3 1 1 4 9. Made law about support I criticised Moor E h 18. Hypnotist takes time and energy ET (10) 4 1 2 1 5 6 7 3 4 1 5 2 9 8 7 6 over female organs (5) 8 28 24 25 2 5 5 7 5 1 3 11 16 9 8 7 3 4 6 2 5 1 10. One who’s against Tina Turner? (4) 2 9 19 7 9 4 1 2 6 3 6 7 19. Score I need to win this? (6-3) 16 4 5 6 2 8 7 1 3 4 9 6 7 3 1 3 3 5 4 6 5 7 1 6 5 4 7 9 3 1 2 8 Lost puppy punished by Eros 3 17 12. 20. Delight as batsman knocks out mid- Crossword set by Mathmo. 1 2 9 8 5 2 3 1 6 1 4 7 1 3 2 5 8 9 6 4 6 5 7 2 4 1 3 4 7 2 9 8 1 6 4 7 3 5 3 1 4 2 5 1 5 7 3 5 2 6 Answers to last issue’s crossword (no. 524): 21 8 2 9 4 3 5 6 1 7 1 No clue 2 Sorry 3 Pass 4 Your turn 5 I don’t want to play anymore 6 I’ve got nothing 7 Nada 8 I’ve got nowt 9 Bleurgh 10 I’m not very good at this 11 I actually don’t know 1 I know, 2 I 8 7 1 5 6 4 1 4 7 4 2 4 7 6 9 1 2 5 8 3 Across: Down: 9 know, 3 I know, 5 I know, 6 I know, 7 I know, 8 I know, 14 I know, 16 I know, 17 I know, 19 I know, 20 I know, 21 I know, 22 I know, 25 I know. 6 3 4 7 2 5 5 3 6 1 3 5 6 8 7 4 9 2 2 6 1 7 3 5 7 G Ar BY MADE / www.puzzlemix.com Sport Ed tors V nce Benn c and Ed Thornton Friday April 23rd 2010 29 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk SPORT
COMMENT Sport in Are Cambridge’s top Brief sportsmen Pros or Cons? Cricket Cricket Cuppers began this week, before the start of full They m ght often be dubbed con men, but we should not udge our term, giving the college teams their only chance to earn some ED THORNTON profess onal sport ng fr ends from abroad on a wh m of ealousy silverware. At Oxford Road grounds on best advertisements to the world. One look around will tell you that see Cambridge as the perfect com- Sunday, Fitz took on Selwyn in s Dan Vickerman the model A decrease in funding would soon this just isn’t the case. We do not bination of academic and sporting the fi rst round; the day ended student, who is able to keep up follow and the facilities at the Goldie have a war on our hands. There is excellence. with the home team crash- Iwith his studies whilst also play- Boathouse would be gone before we no real confl ict because the story I It is understandable that we ing out with eight runs left to ing international standard rugby for knew it. The same story could be have told about underhand tactics should be wary of the few whose score. the Blues, or is he just an impostor told for the Varsity Rugby match. and free places for professional With little sport on this term, who has stolen a more deserving and The fact is that the top players bring sportsmen is a fabrication. In the Cricket Cuppers will be the academic student’s place? Should we benefi ts for the sporting student past, Cambridge has offered places “The life of a competition to watch, especially praise him as a professional or con- body that we could not get from any- based on sporting ability but this is as watching cricket requires demn him as a con man? The same where else. now long gone. Anyone who wants professional little more than lying in the question can be asked of a handful But wait, I hear you scream, isn’t to come to Cambridge, regardless sun. of athletes in Cambridge, including this just the epitome of selling out? of their Olympian build, must go sportsman does almost all of our victorious Boat Are we turning away deserving through the standard application Race squad. applicants only to fi ll their places process. Yes, those applying for not take the same with professional degree-poachers postgraduate courses go through linear track that Football just to make a cheap buck? OK, so a different process to prospective “The presence of the sizable group of postgrads and undergrads and different faculties the rest of us balding Land Economists can give don’t set the same application crite- The Cuppers competition strug- these monster- us a pretty boathouse and supply ria, but two people applying for the expect” gled last term, due to a number the small amount of sports facilities same place must pass the same tests. of postponed games as a result sized athletes has that this University owns. We are, So, how have we ended up with of bad weather and league however, in danger of ignoring the this troupe of mammoth sportsmen intentions are not sincere, like commitments. a huge impact on central purpose of the University: in our midst? The answer is that Thorsten Engelmann, who helped The competition will continue the University” namely to achieve academic excel- the life of a professional sportsman Cambridge to Boat Race success in this term starting with the one lence above all else. If we really does not take the same linear track 2007, but legged it before his exams remaining semi-fi nal featuring There can be no doubt that the are auctioning off degrees to the that the rest of us expect. In order came round. But we should have Downing and Homerton. The presence of these monster-sized international bidders with the high- to compete at the top level of any trust in our regulations to stop this victors in this clash will then athletes has a huge impact on the est sporting achievements in order sport, young people must make a minority ruining our privileged posi- take on Trinity in an attempt to University and, believe it or not, to bring in more money, and bas- decision to forgo a career, or even tion. In the case of Engelmann, the be crowned champions. much of the impact is positive. tardizing our academic application a university place, to concentrate system dealt with him by stripping Given the controversy at the Rowers like Rob Weitemeyer (a credibility in the process, then we on hitting their physical peak. This him of his Blue. As long as we are end of the First Divison League member of the Canadian national have something to be ashamed of. means that around the world there prepared to deal with anomalous last term, college football is team) increase the standard of the If all this were true, sport and are hundreds, even thousands, of cases like this, then we are very strangely making a foray into Boat Race and maintain its status academia would be battling it out to international sportsmen in differ- lucky indeed. Our University has exam term. as a world-class event. In turn, this destroy one another, and both would ent fi elds who missed their chance managed to use its academic repu- increases the viewing fi gures and be damaged along the way. Academ- to follow the academic path open to tation to attract those few highly the revenue generated from the ics would be fi ghting to cancel all them. When their career is wind- intelligent, professional sportsmen race. Without such interest from sporting fi xtures and the Blues in ing down university can become a around the world who want to go Local Cricket the public, and from sponsors, the every sport would be constantly very appealing prospect. Oxbridge back into academia. These men may Boat Race would not be televised avoiding their supervisors and fl unk- is unsurprisingly sought after by be pros, but they are certainly not and Cambridge would lose one of its ing their exams. this group of mature students, who cons. Foxton opened their season in style this week with an impres- sive win over Nassington. GOAT RACING The side were undoubtedly helped by their Australian bats- man John Procajlo, who scored an important 107 runs. His Cambridge gloat with Goat Race victory opening partner Max Bowen also claimed 85, giving Foxton the start that Nassington could Bramble br ngs home a w n for the L ght Blues never catch.
The race brought in 900 spectators tensions and sibling angst. D T O NTON and raised over £3000 from tickets This year’s emphatic win for and bets. the Light Blue goat brings the Local Football Saturday April 3rd is an All proceeds from the race go to overall tally up to 2-0, making immensely important date in the the farm, which is a registered char- the 2011 race particularly impor- Oxbridge sporting calendar; as well ity, but the sprinters were so focused tant for the Oxford side, who must After a scandal involving the as some light build-up entertainment on the track that they hardly seemed now fi ght to keep the battle tight. use of £40,000 worth of dona- on the water, there is the presti- to realise their charitable mission. The goats will no doubt be replaced tions, Cambridge Fans United gious, world-renowned, annual Goat Given that the two goats are sib- next year (as is tradition) and so have called for Brian Attmore Race. This year’s race took place lings, however, it is no wonder they this year’s result gives no indication to stand down from his position near Brick Lane, at Spitalfi elds City were both so intent on winning. of what is to come. on Cambridge United’s board. Farm in East London, where Cam- Before the race the event organis- As the selection of sprinters is The fans have not stopped bridge’s proud barn-yard athlete, ers hyped up this added element random, Oxford were nothing but there, claiming that Attmore, named Bramble (right), outpaced of tension, calling the race a “com- unlucky this year; their goat was who is the associate director and outwitted her competitor, Bent- pelling psychodrama” – and they not only the slower of the two but, of the club, should resign from ley, to bring home the silverware to weren’t wrong. The race was fi lled according to the farm, he also “wees his role as trustee of the Abbey his much-beloved Cambridge fans. with the subtle underplay of family on his beard”. Stadium Redevelopment Trust (ASRT), too. Think you could do be er? If you’d like to work for us, get in contact with our Sport Editors at [email protected] 30 Friday April 23rd 2010 Sport Ed tors V nce Benn c and Ed Thornton SPORT www vars ty co uk sport@vars ty co uk
BOXING Blues roll with the punches to take Varsity success Compared to last year’s wh tewash, Cambr dge left th s w n very late ndeed
in an episode of Strictly Come Danc- Captain Ed Chadwick stepped up looked to hang onto theirs as Guev- down under’ Ogg. Unfortunately, CAMBRIDGE ing, making it easy for the textbook against classy Oxford Middleweight el’s bruising fl urries came up against lightning didn’t strike once, let alone 5 McCool to register a momentous fi rst Carl Walton. Their contrasting styles Kiwanuka’s powerful jabs, – a pattern twice, as Bart Dear put in an awe- win for Cambridge. – Chadwick’s lead hooks against that repeated ruthlessly. However, a some display, impressing on-looking OXFORD Cue the University Captains for Walton’s straight punches – made show of heart more than technique Olympic champion James DeGale. 4 their clash at Light-Middleweight. for an explosive match of coun- saw Kiwanuka win on points to put Credit to Ogg for having a chin as With all the talk of “leading by ter-punching. However, the true Cambridge in the lead for the fi rst hard as Ayers Rock, however Dear VA IT O T example” and “returning the True- explosions occurred after Chadwick time. scored a resounding unanimous vic- love Bowl to the cabinet”, it was as was announced the winner by unani- Fresher Tom Burlton, the real tory to deliver CUABC, and new if Oxford’s Richard Pickering had mous decision. Oxford coach Dave ‘babyface’ of CUABC, came up head coach Ben Blowes, Varsity Boxing matches are highly antici- stolen Cambridge Captain Chris Mace kicked the stool, left the ring against Ben Morris at Light- Match glory and the fi rst away vic- pated and, at times, unpredictable Webb’s pre-match speech. and stormed into the changing room. Heavyweight. Considering this was tory in six years. affairs. However, nobody, not even Unfortunately, Picker- Pure emotion had boiled over for Burlton’s fi rst match, and despite Hollywood’s finest, or Stallone, ing forgot to borrow the Oxford coaches and sweet retiring after two rounds, he acquit- could have scripted this one – the Webb’s technical revenge turned into sour pie. ted himself remarkably well against epic 103rd Varsity Boxing Match on prowess and his The softly, softly approach the ex-paratrooper. Tuesday March 9th. physical supe- was never on the menu for With the scores level, a grandstand After last year’s 9-0 whitewash, riority. The the second Middleweight fi nale was set: the Heavyweight bout. Oxford assembled an “unbeatable” inspirational bout. Cambridge’s Sse- Texan Light Blue Bart Dear faced squad. Indeed it looked that way after Webb won by gawa-Ssekintu Kiwanuka the 6’4” Australian James the opening lightweight bouts ended unanimous deci- and Oxford’s Borna ‘thunder in defeat for Cambridge. Cambridge sion in a peerless Guevel had the crowd on from Featherweight Faisal Nasim lost to a display, rejuvenat- its feet, as both boxers fervent Melvin Chen. Despite infl ict- ing the traveling ing heavy damage on his opponent, support and his technically-gifted Lightweight Jason team. Blick was unfortunately stopped by The jitters a brutish Chris Pearson. After this, were begin- former Girton JCR President Brett ning for Shanley went down to Oxford’s slick Oxford as Light-Welterweight Leon Upton. It CUABC was now 3-0 and the Oxford crowd Vice could taste sweet revenge. Oxford’s Welterweight Josh Fields misread the script. How can anyone underestimate someone called Fergal McCool? Fields, a former Scottish junior, was showboating as if JAMIE GUNDRY FOOTBALL PWC Division 1 ends in controversy A f nal f xture forfe t from Jesus hands Down ng the t tle to Tr n ty’s d sappo ntment
VINC NNICI champions elect and blowing the played and gained the three points”. Falder seemed to place the blame loses some of its validity. title race wide open. Suddenly, with He also went on to insist that Down- at the door of the League and Jesus, At the end of an enthralling only one game left to play, Trinity ing did all they could to get the game highlighting the number of fi xtures season it seems to have been decided were handed the hope of snatching to go ahead. Jesus were unable to fulfi l and ques- in rather unsatisfactory circum- A few weeks before the end of last the title, whilst Downing knew that Where does the blame fall then? tioning the League’s monitoring of stances. However, whilst Trinity feel term the PWC Division 1 title only a win would guarantee them the Jesus struggled to fulfi l a number the situation and inability to identify aggrieved, Downing are celebrating, looked to be a foregone conclusion. crown. of their fi xtures, as other sides also the problem at an earleir stage. perhaps deservedly having beaten Downing were cruising towards Trinity overcame Christ’s 2-1, do, but are they more responsible It is important to remember that Trinity after all. Marsh concluded by the remarkable feat of winning the taking Trinity to 24 points and ensur- because of the importance of their the weather this year has majorly stating: “I feel over the course of the championship with nine straight ing for certain that only a win for game with Downing? Probably disrupted the sporting calendar, but season our performances fully jus- victories, only St John’s Downing would do. So Downing not, but the fact remains that their with other sides managing to fi nd a tify our league record and that we and Jesus stood in their must beat Jesus, right? inability to fulfi l fi xtures has made a way to fulfi l their fi xtures, the excuse are deserved champions.” way. Meanwhile Trinity, Wrong. Jesus – a side that could mockery of college football. the only other true boast up to six Blues players Undoubtedly some Trinity play- The Final PWC Division 1 Standings: title contenders, – forfeited the game, hand- ers might call for harsher measures were making ing the title to a relieved against Jesus, perhaps even a points up ground Downing. Amidst the deduction starting next season. COLLEGE P W D L GF GA GD Pts fast after an controversy Trin- Jesus captain, Miceal Canavan was 9 8 1 0 21 7 14 25 opening day ity fought to force unavailable for comment. Down ng defeat at Jesus to fi eld a side Trinity captain, Richard Falder, Tr n ty 9 8 0 1 26 8 18 24 the hands of against Downing. However, with certainly had a few things to say, Chr st’s 8 5 0 3 21 14 7 15 favourites football typically not being played describing his side as “disillusioned” Downing. this term, the league committee with the outcome and explaining Emma 9 5 0 4 23 17 6 15 Then St John’s, a seems to have allowed the forfei- that, “I fi nd it diffi cult to understand F tzw ll am 9 4 1 4 20 18 2 13 side who ture to stand, gifting Downing three why the College Cup competition were points and the title in the process. can be completed next term, and not G rton 9 3 1 5 11 21 -10 10 even- Downing captain Tom Marsh this fi xture which would decide the St Catz 9 3 0 6 20 29 -9 9 tually commented that he was “slightly dis- outcome of the First Division. The relegated, did the appointed it came down to us winning outcome as it is at the moment seems Jesus 8 2 2 4 13 15 -2 8 unthinkable, earn- the league after a forfeited game – to totally undermine the integrity of St John’s 9 2 1 6 16 26 -10 7 ing a draw against the we would have preferred to have the season as a whole.” 9 1 0 8 13 29 -16 3 JAMES GRAVESTON Pembroke Sport Ed tors V nce Benn c and Ed Thornton Friday April 23rd 2010 31 sport@vars ty co uk www vars ty co uk SPORT
FOOTBALL Blues aim to turn Cup Final hurt into Varsity victory W th the Vars ty match only a week away the Blues want to end the year on a h gh JAMES GRAVESTON the dying moments of extra-time. capitalise on their recuperation time VA IT O T However, whilst the Falcons were and pick up a result that the squad celebrating the Blues narrowly undoubtedly deserves. The Blues are in the process of pre- missed out on crowning their domes- The squad selected by Johnson paring for their biggest game of the tic season with some silverware. (below) may be an early indicator of year, the Varsity clash with Oxford After falling out of the promotion the direction he plans to take when now confirmed for 7pm at Cam- race due to a string of mediocre selecting his Varsity line-up. bridge United’s Abbey Stadium, on results, the Blues hoped to salvage The attention of Cambridge now Market Road. One week from today some glory against Staffordshire in turns to Abbey Stadium on Friday Johnson’s team will aim to correct the BUCS Cup Final last month. April 30th, the showcase of the last year’s result and complete a Cambridge settled on the sodden CUAFC calendar certain to attract remarkable trio of Varsity victories pitch the quicker of the two sides and a decent crowd. Any proud Cantabri- over Oxford. spurned a number of clear cut chances ans hoping to bask in the Blues’ glory Preparations for the big day were in the early exchanges. Although should visit the CUAFC website, or disrupted slightly by the postpone- Stock gave the Blues the lead, they alternatively buy tickets at the gate. ment of the match last term. However, were unable to maintain concentra- following a mixed bag of results for tion and gifted Staffordshire two the Blues squad perhaps the addi- goals in the space of ten minutes. tional time will prove to be a blessing After the break, Cambridge domi- in disguise. The Blues Second team nated possession and territory with had a great end to their season, not the vast majority of the half played FERGUSON only overcoming their Oxford coun- in the Staffordshire half of the pitch. terparts but also clinching promotion The Cambridge forward line made MARK GWYTHER DAY MAYNARD from their division in the fi nal league a number of breakthroughs, all of JOHNSON game of the season. Ross Broadway, which were thwarted by an inspired who, like many of the Falcons regu- Staffordshire keeper. It proved to RUTT HARTLEY MICHAEL BAXTER JOHNSON lars, will be hoping to make the First be a frustrating day for the Blues team squad, was the man who made as they were unable to fi nd a break- the difference in the Falcon’s Varsity through, eventually going down 2-1. GOTCH STOCK match, producing a thunderous strike Putting that result behind them from 20 yards to win the game 1-0 in Johnson’s men are now aiming to Johnson’s younger brother, Mark, s also l kely to start next Fr day
ROWING Goldie fight back to claim victory on the Thames The Cambr dge second boat came from beh nd to take an unl kely w n from Is s HANNAH COPLEY A I C A N
On Saturday April 3rd 2010 Goldie, the Cambridge University Boat Club seconds, recorded a two length victory over Isis, their Oxford equiv- alents, doing their bit to help the Light Blues to a double victory. Set- ting off half an hour before their fi rst boat counterparts, along the same course, their race was to follow a similar pattern to that of the Blues. Having lost the toss, Goldie were placed into the disfavoured Middle- sex station by Isis, but this was not to affect the crew, even though 60% of victories have come from the Surrey station due to the early advantage that it grants. From the start, Isis looked stronger, though rating at 42 strokes per minute compared to Goldie’s 45, they reached the black buoy with a 1/3 of a length advan- tage having settled into a rating of 36, whilst Goldie were rating at 39. Both crews were warned as the race The crew celebrate the r well earned w n ust after cross ng the f n sh l ne continued through the bend and the victory. headwind, Isis began to look ragged tired Isis only being able to muster wins their race predicts the winner into Fulham, with Isis stretching But Goldie stayed with Isis, and and Goldie had gained the lead by 35. By the time they crossed the of the boat race itself. Delighted their advantage to half a length of as they passed Chiswick Eyot the the bandstand. Pushing out their line at Chiswick Bridge in a time of number seven Moritz Schramm clear water between the crews, an crew heard the umpire beginning advantage to one length by Barnes 18:03 they were six seconds ahead of described the feeling of victory as “a advantage that crews rarely lose. to warn them, a sign that they were Bridge, the crew must have started Isis and the victory was soon being blur” and said it took a long time for They then had an advantage of 2 back with the leaders, giving them to sense that the comeback victory relayed to the Cambridge crew wait- the victory to sink in. Hopefully the seconds going under Hammersmith real momentum, and their push may be theirs as the losing crew at ing to race. strength in depth that Cambridge Bridge in a time of 6:43. Cox Liz down the Eyot began to pull in the that point can rarely catch up. This victory brings the overall have undoubtedly shown this year Box steered her crew to tuck them tiring leaders, who appeared to have As conditions fl attened out, suit- scores to 29-17 to Goldie, breaking will give them the confi dence they in behind the Oxford crew as they nothing left in the tank with which ing the Cambridge rowing style over a two-year stranglehold that Isis need to build a consistent winning passed St Paul’s, and at that point to respond. From Chiswick steps, Oxford’s, Goldie continued to pull for had upon the race, and continued the streak. OUBC would have been confi dent of as conditions started to change to a the line, rating at a strong 37, with a trend that the second team boat that 32 Friday April 23rd 2010 Sport Ed tors V nce Benn c and Ed Thornton SPORT www vars ty co uk sport@vars ty co uk Cambr dge Close f ghts cla m yet culm nate n another w n n a Cambr dge th s farmyard box ng dash tr umph Goat Racep29 SPORT Boxingp30
ROWING Double First: Success on the Thames Both the Blue and Gold e boat snatched s lverware for the L ght Blues on race day
RICHARD HEATHCOTE/GETTY IMAGES
The Blues celebrate in the Thames after fulfilling the winning tradition of throwing their cox in the river. The Crews A I C A N beforehand, Oxford started power- tiring Oxford crew, who had failed of a length, before crossing the line 1 fully with the favoured Surrey to take advantage of their early 1/3 lengths ahead. station, managing to push past lead. With the Middlesex advantage The Cambridge crew looked exuber- Cambridge: If you were not one of the thousands Fulham FC’s Craven Cottage pitch coming ahead, cox Ted Randolph will ant in their celebrations, having of spectators lining the banks of a quarter of a length ahead and at 35 no doubt have been telling his crew pulled off the big win after months Bow Rob We temeyer the Thames, or one of the millions strokes a minute, whilst Cambridge that they could go on to win this one, of intensive training and physical 2 Fred G ll of viewers watching on television, strongly hung on, stroking at a rate as the crews passed level at Chiswick determination, their undoubted pain 3 Code Sternal then you certainly missed out. of 36. Steps. Cambridge began to pull numbed by the adrenaline of victory. 4 Peter McCelland In one of the most exciting races in As they came into Hammersmith, ahead from then on, never looking Taking to the winner’s podium, the 5 George Nash recent years, which stayed remark- Oxford were up by six seats, looking like they would relinquish their lead. team were awarded their trophy 6 Deaglan McEachern ably close for most of the lengthy calmer and in control as Cambridge The Light Blues’ boat, named the by Olympic rowing champion Sir 7 Derek Rasmussen course, the Cambridge University dropped further behind, so that ‘800’ in honour of the University’s Steve Redgrave, who was immedi- Stroke Henry Pelly Boat Club won an impressive victory Oxford stroke Charlie Burkitt was celebrated anniversary, were ahead ately doused in winner’s champagne. Cox Ted Randolph in the 156th Xchanging Boat Race. level with Cambridge bowman Rob coming into Barnes Bridge, a situa- The celebrations continued with the Recording a time of 17 minutes 35 Weitemeyer. Oxford went under tion from which only two crews have traditional practice of throwing the Oxford: seconds over the four mile and 374 Hammersmith bridge ten seconds gone on to lose. winning cox in the river. Refl ect- yard course, CUBC came from behind off the record time for the course, in This year proved no exception ing on the race, CUBC President Bow: Ben Myers to heroically beat Oxford Univer- six minutes and 30 seconds, looking to the rule as Cambridge passed Deaglan McEachern stated, “it 2: Martin Walsh sity Boat Club by 1 1/3 lengths, in as though they would make their under half a length clear and contin- wasn’t fun, but it was good!” 3: Tyler Winklevoss the fi rst victory for Cambridge since Surrey station advantage count. ued to move onwards, Randolph As well as a fantastic double 4: Cameron Winklevoss 2007. What makes the win even more But Cambridge hung on, narrow- moving level with Oxford bowman victory for Cambridge, the result 5: Sjoerd Hamburger impressive is the fact that Oxford ing the margin of the Oxford lead as Ben Myers. The stroke rate was also stopped Oxford from gaining a 6: Ma Evans were favourites with the bookies due the Dark Blues called a push past maintained at 36 to Oxford’s 34, as hat trick, and ups Cambridge’s total 7: Simon Gawlick to their impressive physical stature large crowds lining the banks at the Oxonians lost further ground. victories to 80 over Oxford’s 75, Stroke: Charlie Burki and wealth of experience. Furnival Gardens. At Chiswick Eyot Cambridge responded to Oxford’s making it undoubtedly a proud day Cox: Adam Barhamand Much like the Goldie-Isis race Cambridge began to rope in the fi nal push, maintaining their margin for the Light Blues.