The Undergraduate Magazine Vol. V, No. 4 | October 11, 2004

Girl Empowered The Great Dictator In Your Dreams Curse You!! Srivastava examines the role of wom- Read about Jou’s experience When Saul nods off about detrimental Goldstein ponders the relevance of the en in the upcoming Afghan election Guys Drop Their Pants sleeping habits many baseball superstitions Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 8 THE DP ON SEX, MONEY, AND IDIOCY ANDREW PEDERSON | BRUT FORCE DP EDITORIAL COLUMNS soul even goes so far as to pose “Some tough questions for income with sex; that is, people who make more money have never been known President Bush.” I am sure the President is terrified. do not necessarily get more sex. Secondly, because the for their keen insights nor By far the worst of these shameful circus-freaks of author equates a Wharton education with immediate their skilled rhetoric. On rhetoric was a dubious piece of lettered phlegm entitled, profitability, he cheekily asks: “So why then, are we in the contrary, most opinions “The importance of sex and money.” The course of the Wharton?” Obviously education is out; MBA hoes all the expressed in the campus article moves from a stirring, and of course completely way. newspaper are badly re- original reference to Donald Trump, all the way through The article also highlights the feature of the study interpreted forms of the an actual scientific study, on to another stunningly origi- which equates the rough value of a year’s worth of sex to ten or fifteen issues which nal reference of a SAS graduate working at McDonald’s, a salary increase of 50,000 dollars and then questions circle continuously and lazily and then to a decidedly erudite conclusion based on a which would be more enjoyable. Here again, the article around the public sphere. quote from Plato’s Republic. All of this content together is merely stating the obvious. Take the money! While However, a sampling of recent DP editorial titles adds a represents poor taste, but the situation is exacerbated by the results of the survey do provoke interesting questions, particularly pathetic dimension to the current dearth of the fact that buried deep down at the core of this awful I think one of the least would be: “Would I rather have provocative news. editorial is a provocative and edgy opinion piece about 50,000 dollars or sex once a week every week all year The usually limited range of topics addressed by these sex and money that is screaming to be let loose. Those round?” The answer is obvious. columnists fell this week from stock pseudo public service are screams I cannot ignore. The question seems idiotic to me since I hail from announcements regarding anorexia and drug use, to new Despite a circuitous and at times random logic, the a state where money literally will buy you happiness if lows of merely stating the obvious. These Forrest Gump- point which appears to be the main theme of the piece is indeed one interprets the study to mean that sex and esque pronouncements range from “Penn must speak on the question of the relative importance of copulation and happiness are interchangeable. Perhaps you have heard accident at frat” and “Penn apparel is far too expensive” financial security. The study which spurred the creation of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch? I can say with only a to “The need to stop genocide in Sudan.” No shit. This of this editorial monstrosity in the first place suggests small measure of shame that the particular establishment week, I suppose the articles that remained on the edito- that people who make less money are happier than those graced by Howard Stern and Jesse Ventura is approxi- rial room floor were such almost-gems as “Dining hall more monetarily well-endowed as long as they have sex mately a twenty minute drive from the house I lived in floor sticky at times” and “Oranges tend to be rounder more often. The article then brings Wharton into the since birth. Take the 50,000 dollars and there you will be than apples,” not to mention the quintessence of thought- middle of things with a unique, though unwarranted, able to buy all the sex that Wharton can’t give you, all the ful writing, “Poop smells different than food.” One bold thought experiment. First, the study does not correlate things a Penn girl with a decent measure of self-respect Continued on PAGE 5 COALITION OF THE PENGUIN TIME WILLING ARTISTS

BY JAMES HOUSTON

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN WAS YANKED into partisan politics in 1984 when Ronald Reagan appropriated “Born in the U.S.A.” as the theme song of his re-election campaign. Apparently formalities like listening to the lyrics couldn’t be squeezed into the Gipper’s chaotic schedule, and Springsteen immediately called him on his gross misinterpretation of the anti-Vietnam War anthem. After twenty years of relative political silence from the Boss, his conscience has resurfaced at the helm of Vote for Change, a gathering of seventeen recording artists united by the con- viction that W stands for Very Bad President. Split into groups (cells?) of 2-5 artists, Vote for Change played the six most critical battleground states during the first week of October. For this, I’m thankful that the GOP juggernaut occupies half of Pennsylva- nia, since Springsteen was compelled to open his branch of the tour on October 1st at the Wachovia Center with Bright Eyes and R.E.M. on the undercard. The advertised start time was 7:30. As 7:45 passed in a frozen SEPTA car, I slowly accepted that my inner emo nebbish would be MARIAN LEE denied Conor Oberst’s hypersensitive soul-searching. I took my seat at the show mentally muttering the Bright Eyes line “I’m not angry, it happens” (from “Let’s Not Shit Ourselves”) just as R.E.M. was beginning BRAWL IN CLEVELAND “The One I Love.” The years have made Michael Stipe more androgy- The Cheney v. Edwards Showdown nous, and as he lurched about the stage in a white suit executing suavely uncool Elaine Benes dance moves, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh MICHAEL PATTERSON | OUT OF THE FOLD derisively or question my sexuality. The following eleven songs mostly consisted of newer material, highlighted by the angry “Final Straw.” The VICE PRESIDENT Shock and Awe from the V.P. casual fans perked up when Peter Buck grabbed the mandolin for “Los- DICK CHENEY and I was completely astounded by the Vice Pres- ing My Religion,” and everyone stood when Springsteen came out to sing Senator John Edwards ident’s performance Tuesday night. It has always half of “Man on the Moon.” met for their first and been known that Cheney possesses a far better grasp only debate last Tuesday. of usage of the English language than the President R.E.M. lacked energy. The intangible gleam that makes their re- With expectations high does, but his control of the debate was nothing short cords so good was missing. Stipe’s signature detachment made him on both sides of the po- of astounding. From the very beginning, Cheney suc- seem less like a mysterious genius and more like someone who was re- litical spectrum, this V.P. cessfully deflected the majority of Edwards’ attacks. ally bored. I don’t think most of the audience was as disappointed as I debate had the potential For example, Edwards opened up with broad attacks was, as some bathroom eavesdropping revealed that few attendees were to be the first relevant on the administration’s handling of the situation in there for R.E.M. one in decades. Could Cheney perform damage Iraq and Afghanistan, saying “very quickly the ad- In fairness, I ought to admit that I would probably go on a killing control for what was at best a lackluster, really rather ministration made a decision to divert attention from spree if I felt a Springsteen song was telling me to, but I promise to disastrous, performance on the part of President [Afghanistan] and instead began to plan for the in- force objectivity for the next two paragraphs. A sparkling instrumental Bush a few days earlier? Could Edwards build even vasion of Iraq.” The problem Edwards has is this and more on the momentum gained by the outstanding other statements fail to add anything new and instead rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” opened Bruce & The E Street win of Senator Kerry against the President in the first repeat what John Kerry has been saying on the cam- Band’s set, segueing into “Born in the U.S.A.” which, thanks to Reagan, presidential debate? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, walk- paign trail. Where is this man’s ingenuity? At least he now carries the implicit message “screw Republican ignorance.” The ing away from that stage in Cleveland, Ohio could be has that fabulous hair. highlight of the show came early: a sweaty, exhilarating, full-band one alpha dog, one true winner of this debate. Who Dick Cheney had a great deal of new, original romp through the usually acoustic “Johnny 99.” After the stirring and would claim the prize as the numero uno contender material to offer after what the President said in his overlooked “Youngstown,” capped by a blistering guitar solo from Nils of the evening? first face-off with Senator Kerry. In fact, listening to Lofgren, Springsteen introduced John Fogerty of CCR, who sang three It was the White Rhino himself, Dick Cheney. Cheney respond to the criticism he received from Ed-

Continued on PAGE 7 Continued on PAGE 6 PAGE 2 OCTOBER 11, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 4 FirstCall Editorial Vol. V, No. 3 | October 4, 2004 The Undergraduate Magazine Managing Editor Jordan Barav DECOMPOSING BRIDGE OVER

Editor-in-Chief Julie Gremillion TROUBLED WATER Assistant Editor Robert Forman Andrew Pederson Recently, Jamee Leffler Lubkemann published a few words of advice to Wharton Undergrads: chill Lauren Saul out, study less and party more. Although Ms. Lubkemann’s experience at Penn State was undeniably Columnists “cooler”, she obviously has much to learn about the lifestyle and study habits of the Wharton under- Robert Forman grads sharing the hallowed halls of Huntsman with her. Brian Hertler Brendan Houser Penn undergrad is well-known for its unusually happy balance of hard work and intense play. In- Mickey Jou stead of getting drunk in a random corn field where there is nothing and no one of interest for miles, Michael Patterson Andrew Pederson Penn students and Whartonites chose to expand their options. While Ms. Lubkemann is proud Lauren Saul of Penn State’s high “party” ranking, holding a spot at the top of the list of the nation’s “best party Anna Strongin schools” is usually a euphemistic spin on being stuck in the middle of nowhere with huge numbers of Writers people who have nothing better to do than appreciating the great outdoors while drinking themselves Shira Bender Victor Bonilla into a stupor everyday, miles away from any form of civilization. Christine Chen Many Wharton professors prefer to teach undergraduates instead of MBAs because these grad Adam Goldstein James Houston students often speak authoritatively on topics about which they lack even basic knowledge. Exhibit Steve Landis A: Lubkemann’s editorial. She used her limited knowledge about Wharton undergraduates to brand Sathish Naadimuthu Andrew Migdail them as aggressive, defensive workaholics. To buttress this stereotype, she provides several weak ex- Pauline Park amples. The first cites a student who followed his female TA in the bathroom to ask a question about Roz Plotzker homework. Unless this MBA lives in an alternative, Ally McBeal-inspired universe, we are not aware Artists of any co-ed bathrooms on this campus. Besides the strange, implausible bathroom dimension of Stephanie Craven Shira Bender this story, he is one student among many—hardly a representative sample of undergrads as a whole. Marian Lee Every class has its crazy people, but that doesn’t make the rest of us crazy by rough association. The

Layout Editor other baseless example Lubkemann uses is students who write emails to their TAs after 9 p.m. on Fri- Krystal Godines day and Saturday nights. Any section of thirty students will inevitably have several people who either

Layout Staff work constantly or have packed weekends from hell. Maybe he likes to work on Friday and party on Anna Stetsovskaya Saturday. Marnee Klein Income, stability and job security should be regarded as important. Perhaps the author didn’t have Business Managers to worry about such minutiae when she was in undergrad, yet somehow she ended up in Wharton Jordan Barav MBA. It’s hard to comprehend how she managed such a feat if her interests as an undergraduate Alex Chacon Greg Lysko were really just “football and sorority functions” instead of “finance and statistics”. Using the two or so students that she has had indirect encounters with to describe an undergraduate body that is known Marketing Manager Leah Karasik for its people skills and ability to balance all of life’s sectors is statistically absurd. People have a choice about what they take on and how they handle their workloads, and any school Marketing Staff Lauren Saul of a high caliber will invite students to be serious about their work. If the thought of being conscien- Anna Strongin tious is so surprising to Lubkemann, she must also fail to understand why students would want to Distribution Managers attend any of this nation’s other top institutions as undergraduates. Steve Landis In First Call’s first year, a columnist wrote an article filled with many of the charges against MBAs Webmaster that are commonly held beliefs among undergrads. Outrage was the response to such a divisive ar- Rachit Shukla ticle within the Wharton community: a critique of Wharton MBA manners was not welcome, par- Contact Information ticularly from a sharp-witted undergraduate. However, this most recent Wharton Journal article is 330 Jon M. Huntsman Hall a similarly singular critique of undergraduate culture as it attempts to address even the level of stu- 3730 Walnut Street Philadelphia, PA 19104 dents’ adjustment or their motivations in choosing their course of study. Such a description extends (215) 898-3200 in scope even further than the First Call article that was received with such anger. Yet, the Wharton [email protected] Journal has not received the same censure in spite of the fact that its editorial was equally divisive. As Web Site one undergraduate notes: “I have met some wonderful MBAs and am personally friends with many clubs.wharton.upenn.edu/fcpaper of them. I just thought the portrayal of the undergrads was completely skewed. The writer sees her Submissions fellow cohort mates at the pub and parties downtown, but she has not had any clear contact with Email letters to the editors and guest submissions to the undergrads outside of the classroom. And that one narrow view makes her compose this biased [email protected]. article. Yes, the school is difficult. Yes, there is a lot of pressure; yet it is filled with great knowledge Students, please include your school and class. and opportunities. But just because we are sitting late and studying accounting does not mean that we cannot socialize, talk to clients, or attend special events.” Editorial Policy First Call is the undergraduate magazine The bottom line is that undergrads and MBAs share more than a few characteristics including of The University of Pennsylvania. First the drive to succeed and the need to BS their way into a professor’s inner circle. MBAs don’t need to Call is published every Monday. Our mission is to provide members of the worry as much about grades because it isn’t a major factor in their graduation or wonderful future community an open forum for express- ing ideas and opinions. To this end, we, careers. Undergrads, on the other hand, must worry about grades or they won’t have that wonderful the editors of First Call, are committed future career. While such stereotypes and hyperbolic stories about either undergrads or MBAs make to a policy of not censoring opinions. Articles are provided by regular colum- for great comedy, the persistence of them in a negative manner is completely useless. We are all trying nists and writers. They are chosen for publication based on the quality of writ- to achieve the same things in the same way at the same place. Such outlandish articles only to serve ing and, in the case of commentaries, the to divide the community not bridge the gap between MBAs and undergrads, which is precisely what quality of argumentation. Outside of the weekly editorial and other editorial con- we should be doing. tent, no article represents the opinion of First Call, its editorial board, or individ- ual members of First Call other than the author. No content in First Call unless otherwise stated represents the official position of the administration, faculty, OCTOBER 11, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 4 PAGE 3 A WOMAN IN CHANGE, A WOMAN IN CHARGE BY PRIYA SRIVASTAVA during the night, warning women not to vote. “A pervasive atmosphere of fear persists IS IT JUST ME OR are Bush and Kerry sounding more and more similar these days? The for women involved in politics and women’s rights in Afghanistan,” the report said. These United States had been doing this election thing for over 200 years now and our candi- lingering remnants of hard-line Islam intimidation will undoubtedly affect the voting dates have barely diversified. They have the same cookie cutter qualifications: wealthy, numbers. white and male. In fact, it’s been this way since the eighteenth century. Let’s talk about The election will be an important milestone in Afghanistan’s rocky transition to de- political candidates that are really exciting—like the woman running for president in mocracy over these last few years. Of the ten million Afghans registered to vote, 41% are Afghanistan. I’m serious. This coming Saturday, Afghanistan will hold its first-ever presidential women. This is Dr. Massouda’s greatest hope for victory, as Afghan women in particular elections. In a country where less than ten years ago, the plight of women was considered consider her a most attractive candidate. These women are hopeful the election will set into motion freedoms anchored in the new constitution passed in January—which in- a human rights catastrophe, one of eighteen presidential hopefuls is Dr. Massouda Jalal, cludes equal rights for women and is thought to be one of the more enlightened in the a 42-year old mother of three. Having risen politically beyond anyone’s wildest imagina- region. tion, Dr. Massouda means to play an important role in Afghanistan’s steady if not pains- But the United States already has an ‘enlightened’ constitution. In fact, taking transition to democracy. not only do we have a constitution guaranteeing equal rights for women Back in 2002, Dr. Massouda ran for interim president and finished second, winning here in the United States, but women are 100% free to attain an educa- the support of 171 delegates to , the US backed candidate’s 1,295. Dis- Hamid Karzai tion, seek employment, own property and exercise their political rights. And pleased with the warlord’s influence in the interim government, Dr. Massouda refused to a great extent, we do so. Where then, is our female presidential candidate? Karzai’s offer of the vice-presidency. She would later gain the requisite support of 10% of Besides being the only female candidate and having to deal with the lingering hard-line the delegates to become a candidate for the presidential elections. Islamic perceptions of women, Dr. Massouda is the only candidate without political, mili- Before running for public office, Dr. Massouda, a pediatrician, was a lecturer at Kabul tary or financial backing. Her campaign headquarters are a borrowed apartment, her car University. After being ousted from the university by the Taliban, Dr. Massouda joined on loan from a wealthy supporter. She lacks adequate funding and access to the media, the UN and worked for its World Food Program, concentrating both of which are controlled by the other candidates. And yet, on health and gender issues in Afghanistan. She has worked despite facing seemingly insurmountable challenges, Dr. Mas- with amputees, refugees and orphans and set up networks of Let’s talk about political souda has managed to put together a legitimate presidential women’s bakeries. campaign. Dr. Massouda’s platform is straightforward: more food, candidates that are really Well, what’s our problem? more jobs, roofs over heads, access to health and to safe wa- Here in the United States, where women are educated ter, peace and security. She has also pledged to eradicate the exciting, like the woman and employed on theoretically equal terms as men, we might influence of the warlords, who have terrorized civilians for doubt that a female presidential candidate would face the the last 25 years. “The people of Afghanistan need a doctor to running for president in same challenges as does Massouda. But the unfortunate fact treat them, to heal Afghanistan. And they need a mother to is that female politicians do have similar troubles gaining po- take care of them until Afghanistan can stand on its own two Afghanistan. litical, military and financial backing. While Afghanistan may feet,” Dr. Massouda says. For many, women and men alike, the be struggling with basic gender equality issues, such as rights greatest hope for reviving a bruised and battered Afghanistan to education, for example, the United States is dealing with lies in Dr. Massouda. obscure ones. Pointedly, there is lack of faith in female political leadership. While women Incumbent President Karzai’s goals are not dissimilar to Dr. Massouda’s. He has make up a significant portion of the House of Representatives, they are still a small mi- attempted to provide basic food and shelter and end corruption in his past two years nority in the Senate, the Supreme Court and in the upper levels of the executive branch. in office as interim president, but without much success. However, Karzai continues to And unfortunately so. There are scores of bright, motivated women interested in retain the support of the United States government which is virtually running his media public policy, and with creative and dynamic ideas for implementing such policy. Around campaign for the upcoming election. The combination of US support and high name rec- the world, thousands have been impacted by the policies of Margaret Thatcher, Indira ognition makes Karzai’s victory this Saturday a very likely one. Gandhi and Golda Meir. Even in countries far less economically and socially stable than Dr. Massouda is not unaware of this fact. While she stands little hope of winning the ours, such as Rwanda, Burundi and Senegal, women have risen to the highest political of- election, the mere fact that she is free to be a candidate is remarkable. Only three years fice. But here in the free-thinking, open-minded United States, political parties are hesi- ago, under the Taliban, Afghan women were forbidden from attending school or entering tant to place the possibility of victory, and to some extent, political power in the hands the workforce. Furthermore, the Taliban enforced a strict dress code as well as numerous of a female. Women can teach, we say, women can conduct research and run companies, rules restricting the movement of women. Massouda herself is amazed, “Three years ago, but when it comes to leading our country and representing the American people, it’s been I could not even dream of being a presidential candidate.” She refuses to consider her can- men all the way. didacy a failure, irrespective of the final outcome. “I am thirsty for bringing a change, a The fact that there are a whopping eighteen contenders in the Afghan presidential positive change,” Dr. Massouda insists. “If it is not a success it does not mean that positive race is an obvious indication that there are various ideas circulating as to where Afghani- change has not taken place.” stan is going in the future. Dr. Massouda’s platform is one of many. The singularity of her Dr. Massouda’s candidacy is about sustaining and then spreading such positive chang- candidacy is two-fold, or perhaps even three-fold. Not only is Dr. Massouda a female in es already underway. At present, women are educated and employed only in the major the foreground in a country where females have long been pushed in the shadows, she is cities. Outside of the cities, most women still remain at home, their movement limited by also a passionate nationalist, seeking to spread her message far and wide despite pitiful their fathers and brothers. Even more distressing: women might not get to the polls elec- funding. Furthermore, she is a role model for women with political aspirations in the tion day. The Human Rights Watch in New York issued a report last Tuesday that found United States. Surely if Dr. Massouda can go so far, face so many obstacles, there is no evidence of Taliban insurgents and local warlords threatening women and discouraging reason why American women cannot do the same. them from voting. In various parts of the south and east, letters have been distributed Priya Srivastava is a sophomore in the College. You can write to her at psrivast@sas. IF IT SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE... It’s probably bad healthcare policy ANNA STRONGIN | A TASTE OF MEDICINE WHEN WE THINK ABOUT further into it; this does not create for an environment most fair with tort law, nothing could work as limits. If caps are the issues surrounding the conducive to significant budget expansions. set, malpractice insurers will no longer feel as threatened by 2004 presidential campaign, Bush, on the other hand, calls for far more moderate having to dish out large sums, and lawyers will be discouraged two things come to mind: war reforms that include tax breaks and association health plans from filing excessive numbers of lawsuits for fear of failing to in Iraq and homeland secu- that would give small businesses an edge by promoting their profit sufficiently from the payoff. rity. Given that both of these purchase of employee coverage as a group, not individual Kerry, alas, does not care for monetary caps and instead subjects have been exhausted companies. Such a plan is projected to alleviate the healthcare wants to submit potential lawsuits to a medical expert review to the extreme, I feel that it is burdens of only 2.1 million at the cost of 90 billion dollars over and to penalize lawyers who file them frivolously. But while time to talk about something 10 years, but while it is smaller in scale it is also much more I could see some of these strategies working in their refined else, say, healthcare. reasonable. form, as Kerry presents them they mean nothing. Why talk about it? While Words like “frivolous” make me think “major ambiguity,” it may not be as immediate a problem as the war, healthcare It is one thing to propose and that is a serious problem. Lawyers are smart and they will is undergoing a crisis: 45 million Americans are uninsured, find ways to get around such terminology to prove that their malpractice premiums are skyrocketing, and Medicare’s phy- sweeping reforms costing lawsuits are significant and ought to be filed. After all, money sician payment plan formula is flawed—problems that will gives people drive, and that drive will prevent penalties from eventually have to be addressed. On November 2nd, it really millions and another thing being successful deterrents. may be the deciding factor for a number of people unable to Furthermore, even if employing a medical expert review of find a definitive stand on the war. to actually bring them into a case could successfully weed out the frivolous lawsuits, the Selecting a candidate based on healthcare criteria does not process could prove to be very expensive and time-consuming. come down to who has the better plan but rather who has the effect. Malpractice suits would become even more burdensome for more executable and realistic one. It is one thing to propose the physicians, and malpractice insurers would become even sweeping reforms costing millions and another thing to actu- more reluctant to lower premiums. While in theory, Kerry’s ally bring them into effect. We do not live in a society that has nationalized health- plan could work, it is hard to believe that his reforms will be That is precisely why Kerry’s plan doesn’t hold as much care, and therefore we shouldn’t try to take care of everyone as executed so effectively in practice. appeal for me as it could, given the nature of the reforms he though we do. In the past four years, the number of uninsured Of course, in talking about malpractice insurance, bring- proposes. Wanting to provide healthcare insurance for the has increased by five million; getting numbers back to that ing up John Edwards’ former occupation as a malpractice maximum number of uninsured is a very commendable pros- previous point is the kind of goal that should be taken up by lawyer is unavoidable. Perhaps being a candidate for the pect, but I do not foresee Congress passing a bill that would the candidates. second most coveted spot in government has made him a appropriate $653 million dollars over 10 years to the cause. From the physicians’ end, the major healthcare crisis has different man, but personally I have a difficult time buying a It would be amazing to finance a plan that would insure mostly to do with medical liability and the rising costs of mal- healthcare reform that targets malpractice attorneys from a 26.7 million Americans, but we simply do not have the re- practice premiums. Here too, Bush gains an upper hand be- malpractice attorney. sources to expand public coverage, subsidize premiums, and cause his proposals are simply more believable than Kerry’s. offer incentives for smaller businesses to provide healthcare The former appears to be in tune with what the AMA has insurance. Currently, the country has a deficit, and rather than been fighting for—favoring the establishment of a monetary Anna Strongin is a junior in the College. You can write to her at being able to climb out of its debt, the U.S. continues to fall cap on non-economic damages. In a nation having a love af- astrongi@sas. PAGE 4 OCTOBER 11, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 4 CONFESSIONS OF AN AMATEUR DIRECTOR MICKEY JOU | SITES AND SOUND

BEFORE SPRING SEMES- Meanwhile, I had a list of props and set furniture to somehow while I’m packing up the props. She hates me. Everyone is TER ended last school year, I materialize: bench weight, 2 coffee cups, mini-tape recorder, staring at me because they all know that I’m the director of agreed to direct a fall show laptop, 2 round tables, 2 benches, 1 lamppost, wooden sword, this play whose preview no one is laughing at. No one’s buying for the Chinese Student As- 6 cell phones… speaking of which, where was I supposed to tickets. Oh my god. sociation. I didn’t realize it find cell phone ring tones? Two Days Before the Show at the time, but that meant I Week Three Make-up Artist: “Hey, you wanna go buy make-up with had to produce and direct a Hi Mickey, can you give me a budget for how much you’re me tonight?” show in little more than three going to spend on props, costumes, etc.? I need to submit a Me: “…you know that you’re supposed to do a make-up weeks. Here’s the deal: I had budget proposal to SAC for funding. Thanks! test tomorrow at dress rehearsal, right?” to put together the rehearsal Hi all, the September 24th Friday Read-Through will be Dear Cast Members, thou shall not put costumes on top schedule, the production de- at the Fireside Room at the ARCH building. Same place of props. Thou shall not be heard off-stage. Thou shall not signs, oversee the actual production, and make sure my actors as when we had our first read-through. Plan on being here randomly misplace props. Thou shall speak up so the audi- knew their lines. I started September armed with a schedule 7 p.m. sharp, or I will keep you there as long as I need to. ence can heareth you. Thou shall OBEY ME, for I am thy etched in stone, ten set designs, a master props list, no light- We’ve been having some problems with people not showing DICTATOR of this production… ing, no sound technicians, and no stage crew. up to rehearsals AT ALL… Two weeks to show time, folks. I 6 PM, Night of the Show, to no one in particular Week One don’t have time to mess around. YOU MUST COME TO RE- Me: Anyone know where my stage crew is? Hi Mickey, I have class on Thursdays from 6 to 9, so I HEARSAL *ON TIME*. 7:55 PM, Night of the Show, in the sound/light booth don’t think I can make it to rehearsal those nights. Sorry! Mickey, I can’t come to the second read-through because I Me: “So I’ve been watching Sports Night on DVD.” Hi Mickey, I can’t come to rehearsals on Wednesdays be- have a job interview that day. Can we switch it? Thanks. Sound Guy: “What’s that?” cause I have class until 7:30. See you at rehearsal. Dear Cast and Crew, there will be NO READ THROUGH Me: “It’s this show about people who work at a television Hi Mickey, the person at Iron Gate Theatre wanted to this Friday (9/24)… station who produce a show called Sports Night.” know what kind of equipment we’re going to need for the The good news: P. from the Theatre Department had gra- Sound Guy: “Okay.” night of the show. Can you write back and let me know ciously agreed to save the day and became Miracle Number Me: “So in all of the episodes, they always say ‘good show, ASAP? Thanks! Two: The Guy Who Provideth the Furniture for the Show. We everyone’ before they go on the air. Am I supposed to say that Hi Mickey, because I was unaware of the fact that I have before the show starts?” been cast in the role of Fiona for the play, I had made other Light Guy: “You don’t say that in theatre. It’s bad luck.” commitments for the school year. Therefore I will not be able Everyone is staring at me Sound Guy: “Yeah, you’re supposed to say ‘break a leg.’” to take part in the CSA Fall 2004 Production of “When Guys Light Guy: “You know, I worked on The Village.” Drop Their Pants.” Good luck! because they all know that Me: “Really? That’s cool.” Dear Mickey, the guy you told me to e-mail about the fur- Light Guy: “Yeah, I joked around with Joaquin Phoenix.” niture (like benches and stuff) still hasn’t emailed me back. I’m the director of this play Me: “Who’s that?” Can I quit? J/k… Sound Guy: “Weren’t we supposed to start the show at My original plan was to buy my way into the actors’ hearts whose preview no one is eight?” at the first read-through by feeding everyone pizza. Through Me: “But people are still talking.” bribery, I hoped I could win their undying loyalty. Obviously, I laughing at. No one’s Light Guy: “…if I turn off the house lights, they’ll probably was wrong. People not coming to rehearsal was, however, the stop.” least of my problems: I had lost one of my lead actresses, and buying tickets. Oh my god. Me: “Oh.” I had two more weeks to rehearse. Day After, blog excerpt Enter Miracle Number One: Evelyn Chou, my show pro- The show went with minor hitches, and I got nothing ducer, agreed to play the role of Fiona. Throw in my other can’t do a second read-through, but that’s okay. We’ve still got but compliments for how well everything went. I’m proud of producer, Jean Hsu, CSA board member Emily Chang, and two more run-throughs and two more dress rehearsals. Plus, the show—but I’m more proud of how well everyone worked a willing—if only temporary—transvestite, Joshua Yap, and I had the lighting design done and—Hallelujah—someone together the night of the show: actors ad-libbing and picking I somehow put together a full cast by the end of the week. else had agreed to compile the sound clips. Good luck finding up slack when their fellow cast members lost a line or skipped Now if I could only figure out how to design the light and the those cell phone ring tones, buddy. lines; my stage crew making sure that everyone had props and sound… The bad news: I suddenly noticed there had been no word changing scenes, which is very physically tiring; the light and Week Two from CSA or J. the publicity director about cast bios for the sound guys being patient and funny and trying to help me Dear Mickey, here’s the audio editing program you needed. program, flyers, or printing out tickets… relax but also being there, helping me make the show perfect. Hope the show’s going well. Four Days Before the Show, on AIM with my producer Everyone tells me that I did a great job—but it makes me a Hi Kirsten and Nancy, welcome aboard the CSA Play Me: So who’s handling the tickets? little uncomfortable because it wasn’t just me. It was every- Production! Attached you’ll find a master props list and a Jean: Oh, M. just asked SAC to print out the tickets to- one, and I can’t begin to describe or demonstrate how much script… day. I love my actors and my stage crew and my tech crew. Yes, I Dear Cast, you are all doing your own wardrobe. I have Me: When are we getting them? called the shots. But you know what? They did all the work. bigger things to worry about, like lighting and sound, that Jean: SAC is supposed to tell her tomorrow. I’m so deeply, deeply grateful for the dedication and talent your clothes. Josh, if you have trouble finding the Benjamin Me: Okay. Do you know where I can get flyers to give to they’ve given me… Hank asked me why I decided to direct the Franklin costume, let me know as soon as possible so we can the cast members? show this year even though it drove me crazy, and I have an figure something out. Two more things. Show up on time. Jean: I think from Shao. answer now: because I wanted those 15 seconds when I knew That implies SHOWING UP to rehearsals ON TIME. Also, Me: Who’s Shao? that people loved me back, that adrenaline you can only get by know your lines. And don’t touch the grand piano… Jean: He’s the guy who’s supposed to print everything. working together with a group of people who would otherwise Hi J., my name’s Mickey and I’m directing the show for Me: Oh. have little in common with each other. It’s quite... something. CSA. Can you let me know when you print the tickets? I prom- Three Days Before the Show, an internal monologue after You’ll have to try for it yourself. ised 15 comp tickets to Harnwell… the CSA preview Time to break out into chaos. We now had an official re- Oh my god, they’re not laughing. They didn’t laugh. They hearsal schedule, except I had sent out so many updates that hated it. The show is going to go horribly and no one will no one knew when to come in for rehearsals anymore. About laugh and they will all blame ME and no one will ever want to Mickey Jou is a junior in the College. You can write to her at two-thirds of the cast were always late to rehearsal because we speak to me again. Look, here comes [one of my actresses]. myjou@sas. had to call them on their cell phones to get them to come in. She says nothing and just WALKS AWAY with her jacket A NIGHT AT MARRED-BAR BY ADAM BURGOS

LAST WEEKEND, against my fervent wishes, I was dragged by a friend to that new vener- a deal. I said apparently, though, because after I ordered it, the bartender shot me a nasty able Penn institution, Mar Bar. Boy, did it suck; I don’t even know where to begin. Upon look followed with a “nah, we don’t have that.” After I asked if they were out of the Corona arrival, we were met with first a line and then a cover charge. I suppose there is nothing the or the buckets, he informed me that they “just aren’t serving that right now,” and that if I owners can do about the line—being businessmen they want there to be a line—but what is wanted a Corona, it would be four dollars. So to recap: something that is on a menu and the rationale behind waiting in line for what is more or less an upscale frat party? No one prominently displayed on the bar is not being served simply because they just don’t feel like is there but Penn kids overpaying for bad drinks! Then there’s the cover. I can’t stress this it. I understand the concept of having specials, but specials are not, I repeat not, listed on a enough: bars should never have covers to get in. Clubs have covers, not bars. That is pretty menu that stays out all night in full view of anyone ordering. If, and this is possible, it was much the worst thing about Mar Bar: it wants to be both a chill bar and a hot club. It can’t a menu entirely of specials, why was it out? Not yet brought up in this line of questioning be both. is why the bartender had to be such an asshole about the whole thing. Thanks buddy, there The space itself is long and narrow, which is not ideal for a dancehall atmosphere. To goes your tip. Let’s move on. make matters worse in the dancing department, there is no one specific area with seats, One of my friends ordered a pint of Yards. Not only was it certifiably skunked, it was five tables, and couches. They are spread all over the place. If they were confined to one area of bucks, at least a dollar too much for a beer that is brewed locally. I guess they were trying to the floor then a larger, more dance-friendly space could be fashioned. The music is also blar- recoup the costs they incurred importing it. I know one dollar may seem nitpicky, but be- ing the entire time—fine for a dance club but not for a bar. You are supposed to be able to cause I hate the place, I am just going to nitpick. Another friend of mine ordered some Black have coherent conversations in bars, which isn’t necessary in clubs because you can occupy Label whiskey, only to be informed that it just isn’t served at Mar Bar. Am I wrong when I yourself with dancing. Also, techno isn’t exactly the kind of stuff to which people want to say that if one kind of whiskey is being served in a bar, it should be Johnny Walker Black? At dance these days. If you want people to dance, you should probably just put on Q102—or any rate, the bartender offered him something else that would be around the same price but anything else with the hip hop and pop hits that people know and enjoy dancing to in clubs. then charged him nine dollars for whatever other brand it was. I guess that’s supposed to As is, the only dancing I saw involved two sauced-up girlfriends sloppily grinding on one be generating repeat customers or something. My friend from the whiskey story adequately another with drinks in hand. articulated all of our sentiments later that night when he declared that he hopes Mar Bar Which brings us back to said drinks mentioned earlier. First of all, everything is over- burns down. Yeah, he was wasted and using unnecessary hyperbole, but it’s the sentiment priced. 40th and Walnut, surrounded by college kids, is not exactly 2nd and Market, sur- that counts. I’m just glad that one of my friends managed to sneak in without paying the rounded by the city’s social elite, so why are the prices so similar? Sure, I know a lot of cover. Hey, when the greed of big business and corporate America are trying to screw you, kids who go to Penn are, shall we say, well-endowed when it comes to their wallets, but just it’s every man for himself. because you can afford something doesn’t mean you aren’t getting ripped off. When we arrived and headed for the bar to peruse the menu for something interesting, we noticed that a bucket of five Coronas was apparently going for fifteen bucks—not too bad Adam Burgos is a senior in the College. You can write to him at myjou@sas. OCTOBER 11, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 4 PAGE 5 GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME SLEEP Adventures in Slumber Purgatory LAUREN SAUL | WEEKLY SAULUTATIONS

WE ALL tired; staying awake for more than twenty- people so often try to figure out shortcuts, from Commons digestive abuse, most find KNOW that four hours brings a person to a new level of while still maximizing the utility of their it difficult not to depend on Yue Kee and the dreadful feel- haze and exhaustion, and it is difficult to view waking hours. Some will claim three hours is local variety of food trucks scattered around ing. During this behavior as anything other than self-de- in fact better than four. Coffee rushes are fre- campus. It is no one’s fault but our own, class, it can structive, given the fact that our country uses quent and entertaining, and the coffee buyers especially when it comes to upperclassmen. suddenly start, it against its most dangerous enemies. who wait on line to get their fix enjoy talking Fro Gro has as many options as our home with only a few Sleep is a confusing idea for college about the extent of their addiction to caf- supermarkets; it’s just that few of us want to minutes’ notice. students. There are so many things to do feine. Every so often, some publication will spend an hour or more each day preparing Sometimes it on this campus, whether it’s schoolwork, run an article with a sensational tone about healthy recipes when fast food is tasty, quick has little to do various forms of socializing, the plethora of the ubiquity of dependency on drugs like Ad- and convenient. However, compared to the with what time it is, what material is being typical American diet, we Penn students still covered, or how engaging the professor is do well, and we suffer much less from our with that day’s remarks. Spasms of exhaus- diets than we do from lack of sleep. tion take over and before there is time to do My entry into Wharton has led me to anything, eyes shut and a head falls forward catch myself robotically applying new eco- against the person’s will. The cycle repeats. nomic concepts to the world at large even The head falls, is lifted up, and then once when I don’t want to. Sleep is a precious again falls forward. Each time this happens, commodity that is always experiencing a a clicking sensation is felt inside the head, as shortage. Accordingly, waiting for things, the tired person tries to battle sleep, if only to like for a sandwich with half the ingredients save face. Little else feels worse than the lim- missing and then again on line to pay at the bo between states of consciousness. Whether ABP in Huntsman, has grown more offensive one is an insomniac who struggles to fall than ever before. Time is of the essence, asleep or an overtired person who struggles and sleep always gets shafted in the process to stay awake, fighting the body’s impulse is of life. Being efficient and trying to get the not a pleasant occupation. When I’m alert, I maximal utility out of all time available has often see other people experiencing the head- become a compulsion. Thus, being too tired droop. With the exception of impending em- to focus on work leads many people to more barrassment, it feels much worse to struggle frustration than usual. I have started to con- to stay awake in class than it does to give up template the opportunity cost of everything and wholly fall asleep. I do. When I am awake but unable to pay I was discussing the torture of Sleep attention during a class, I will zone out until Purgatory with someone one day, and it I only hear phrases like “get rich” as they are reminded me of a contentious issue that said with inflection every ten minutes or so. was brought to the world’s attention a little (I’m kidding! Sort of…) During those mo- while ago: America’s use of sleep-deprivation ments, I stare at those around me, and most to break the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. of the time, more than a couple of people are America is far from the only country that struggling with their state of consciousness. has used sleep deprivation as a torture tactic, If there is anything that takes away from and this method has often been condemned. people’s quality of life here, it is probably Those on both sides of the issue agree that it extracurricular activities, or simply hanging derall or Ritalin. In these articles, the writer the inability to sleep for enough consecutive is a very effective way to break a person’s will. out and “wasting time”, even though it usually usually adds a few anonymous quotations hours on a regular basis. Mathematically A BBC article described a British reality TV doesn’t feel like it’s being wasted. Sleeping is that conjure up a few sentences from users in speaking, an all-nighter will bring a person show which once challenged people to stay almost viewed as an obstacle because it takes cool, self-assured language as they talk about halfway to experiencing the way our country awake for a week—for a prize of one hundred up a chunk of the day’s precious twenty-four how it helped them spend all night writing treats alleged terrorists. If that isn’t enough thousand pounds. The contestants later said hours. People constantly mention the topic a paper, or performing some Herculean feat of a reason to spend more time under the that it was “like torture” after awhile, and of sleep, and it can become a conversation without losing their concentration. covers, following the advice of last week’s John Schlapobersky, a psychotherapist who starter, especially on difficult Monday morn- College life simply is not conducive for sex-obsessed DP columnist may precipitate was tortured by the apartheid government ings. Many enjoy telling others about the healthy living habits, though this fact seems a return to bed, even if it means giving up in South Africa, said that after two sleepless previous night’s number of hours or how to be most blatant when it comes to shut-eye. all other worthwhile activities. Okay, time to nights, people normally begin to have hal- a nap is happening right after class, if it is The food situation is not quite as drastic even take a nap… lucinations. Therefore, it can be hard to un- even possible to make it through the lecture though the dining hall does come up with derstand those who boast about all-nighters. awake. Debates about sleep cycles have all sorts of concoctions that are laden with Lauren Saul is a sophomore dualing in Falling asleep in class is the first sign of being the WHollege. You can write to her at become a boring, repetitive topic as many preservatives, and after people graduate lcsaul@wharton. DP Continued from PAGE 1 BEST BETS

and a natural fecal-phobia won’t do in bed, plus a nifty T-shirt. Not that I would know from personal experi- ence. Ahem. 10/11 - 10/17 The question which in the DP is sanitized into rhe- torical, soul searching piece about the importance of immaterial values and goals is inspirational and cute for Rob’s TV picks for the week the price of absolute boredom. Sex is more important than money to a majority of people, as evidenced by the oft-quoted study, but that does not mean that money Monday: Real World/Road Rules Challenge (MTV, 10 p.m.) It’s Battle of the Sexes 2 as castmates can’t buy sex or happiness at all. Those who come out butt heads and perform other ludicrous activities to extend their celebrity another 15 minutes and for of professional programs driven by a conservative, com- enough money to pay for a few semesters of Penn. partmentalized mentality, like Wharton, simply lack the Tuesday: Veronica Mars “Meet John Smith” (UPN, 9 p.m.) The new Nancy Drew helps reconnect a If money is your only son and wayward father, as the mystery behind Lilly Kane’s murder thickens. virtue, people will love Wednesday: Presidential Debate—Arizona State University (ABC, CBS, NBC, 9 p.m.) Domestic is- sues. Who else expects this one to venture off to Iraq anyway? you for it, or will be too Thursday: Extreme Dodgeball II (GSN, 10 p.m.) Not a movie. A sports series. Dodgeball seems to be stupid to notice. all the rage, though I swear that movie was enough to deter anyone from even considering it. Friday: 8 Simple Rules “Out of the Box” (ABC, 8 p.m.) Art and dating have been funnier, but I figure courage and creativity to use their money correctly. If you ABC’s best sitcom—not saying much—could use a shout-out. have money, but no sex, you can buy it! Love, too, can be a similar commodity if you are not a slave to pop-culture romantic fantasies. If money is your only virtue, people Saturday: The Secret Life Of… “Secret Life of Donuts” (FOOD, 2:30 p.m.) I find it odd that Dunkin’ will love you for it, or will be too stupid to notice. Donuts is now best known for its coffee. That is all. In any case, the study only concerned itself with sex, not love, so we can assume the people who were happier Sunday: Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars (SCIFI, 9 p.m.) Though the trailers have me excited, I can’t with sex rather than money are just as shallow. While the help but think of this as closure trying to cross the t’s and dot the i’s on a series I should still be enjoy- point of the DP article may have been simply that there ing on a weekly basis. are things that money can’t buy, this is also a blatant falsehood. Money can buy everything, including sex, and If You Can Only Watch One: Veronica Mars. See my article for Farscape stuff. I somehow doubt those that say differently are merely ignorant of the wider you’d be able to catch the previous 88-episodes in time. And, to be honest, Veronica Mars is doing a world of possibilities. bit anemically. Despite the fact that no college student has a Nielsen box, building some sort of buzz Andrew Pederson is a sophomore in the College. You can write to him would help. You can catch old episodes on MTV at 7 p.m. at awl@sas. PAGE 6 OCTOBER 11, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 4 BACK FROM THE DEAD DEBATE Continued from PAGE 1 ROB FORMAN | MY 13-INCH BOX wards on everything from Iraq, the war and terrorism to the anti-ballistic missile treaty would THE ASHES HAVE RISEN and the phoenix has returned. cause one to think it was Cheney who sat in the number one seat at the White House, not the I wish I were talking about Famke Janssen and news on the bumbling fool we saw debating against John Kerry. The problem Senator Edwards had in de- third X-Men movie, still hurting since Bryan Singer ankled bating Cheney paralleled Bush’s problems. Everything Edwards had to say was nothing more to helm the new Superman film, but this article is about than regurgitation from before. I felt as if I were staring at a 90-minute political ad. two sci-fi franchises a bit more obscure than the ubiquitous Don’t Mess with the Rhino, son, or you’ll get hurt. mutants—Firefly and Farscape. The 2001-2002 season hit There were two specific moments during the night when Cheney literally creamed a too science-fiction television hard: both shows, considered new- youthful appearing Edwards. First, Vice-President Cheney chided the Senator’s attendance re- classics, were cancelled. cord in the U.S. Senate. Cheney told Edwards, “You’ve missed a lot of key votes on tax policy, on Joss Whedon’s Firefly aired on FOX during the fall. De- energy, on Medicare reform. Your hometown newspaper has taken to calling you Senator Gone. spite approving a hugely expensive pilot episode, somewhere You’ve got one of the worst attendance records in the United States Senate. Now, in my capacity in the $8-million range for two-hours, the FOX brass opted to air the series’ second episode as the premiere. Clearly, this as Vice President, I am the president of the Senate and the presiding officer. I’m up in the Senate confused viewers later on, since the pilot explained the characters and premise of the show, as most Tuesdays when they’re in session. The first time I ever met you was when you walked on pilots are wont to do—a western set in space. No aliens. No sound in space. It’s simply a crew the stage tonight.” Ouch. I even felt the sting from a blow made worse by the look on Senator on a ship intent on survival at the fringe of human civilization. The crew—nine characters, Edward’s face. The sad thing is he couldn’t even refute this accusation, making it obvious he was much like 1939’s John Ford classic Stagecoach—are a captain and soldier who fought on the completely unprepared for this type of attack. losing side of a futuristic Civil War, a joking pilot, a brash and vulgar mercenary, a doctor and The second time Cheney scored a major point occurred when he accused Edwards of de- his fugitive sister, a mechanic, a preacher, and a “Companion”—a scholastically-trained and meaning the contributions of the Iraqi people to the military operations in Iraq. While Edwards’ socially accepted whore. claim that Americans are taking the majority of the loss of life was, I believe, quite correct, the Fridays are not the kindest day to television ratings, and preemptions for Major League V.P. was able to spin the statements in accusations of disrespect for Iraqi soldiers and for those in Baseball displaced the show for several continuous weeks. And, for whatever reason, the FOX the “coalition”. Edwards failed to do anything meaningful in response to counteract this attack. execs decided to air the series out of order and air the pilot as the last episode before the series Again, at least Edwards has that hair. was cancelled. Financially, the decision was understandable, as the series cost too much for With everything that went well for Cheney, the debate certainly was not a clear sweep for its Friday viewership. Or maybe FOX just failed to get the message out. DVD box sets of the him. For one thing, Edwards came across as much more relaxed and charismatic than the for- entire series, including three unaired episodes of the show, flew off retail shelves and continue to sell well almost a year later. The series even won an Emmy for Best Visual Effects. mer Halliburton CEO. I’ve been using the term White Rhino to describe the V.P. and with good Recall Family Guy. The FOX executives didn’t understand the animated comedy, mis- reason. Beyond being rather large, white, and rarely seen in public, he conveys little in the way handled and misadvertised it, then cancelled it. After superb DVD sales and great syndication of personal charm. Honestly, if I were in the audience that evening and he came toward me, my numbers, the show will return in May 2005. While you can’t expect to see Firefly back on TV gut reaction would probably be to flee. any time soon, a massive fan campaign and hard work on the part of the producers caught the attention of Universal Studios. A feature film, titled Serenity, will be theatrically released on April 22nd, 2005. All nine main cast members reprise their roles, and the producers promise the film will be accessible both to those who saw Firefly and those who did not. Take my ad- vice: find Firefly DVDs and watch the series regardless. You won’t regret it. I promise that after watching the episode “Objects in Space,” you’ll be eager for more. An odd side note: the Friday at 8 p.m. time period has never improved on Firefly’s numbers before its cancellation. Farscape is almost Firefly’s complete antithesis. The show premiered in 1999 on the Sci-Fi Channel and continued into its fourth season with both fans and the executives fully behind it. The show is a tad more complicated than Firefly. A human astronaut is pelted into a distant part of the galaxy and almost immediately finds himself at the crux of an interspecies war. Compared to the dusty western pallor of Firefly and the rigid sterility of the more recent Star Trek series, Farscape is a breath of crazy, colorful fresh air. The aliens are far more varied, vibrant, and detailed than your average Klingon or Romulan, and many are made by the Jim Henson company—yes, the muppetmakers themselves. Trouble began abruptly on the Australian set of Farscape in 2001—the cast and crew fin- ished filming the season before Christmas even though it would not air for a few months. Sci- Fi originally informed the producers that a fifth season was guaranteed, so an envoy from the network telling all involved that the season finale would in fact be a series finale was a complete surprise. Even more surprising: the message came during the filming of the final episode, not leaving time to rewrite, change, or wrap up anything despite the series’ arc. Farscape’s season finales have all been cliffhangers, leaving cast members dead or otherwise imperiled in order to keep viewers buzzing until the show’s return the next season. When the finale shot of the series was the sudden, unforeshadowed deaths of the series’ two main characters, fans were in an outrage. Science-fiction fans are nothing if not obsessive and vocal. The Farscape campaign didn’t involve finding a feature studio to produce a possible movie franchise. They found financiers, who hadn’t watched or been aware of the show until the campaign, to front the bill for a mini- series. The four-hour result, Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars, is one of my Best Bets this week. It begins Sunday, October 17th and ends Monday, October 18th. Fans and producers of Farscape alike are hoping the ratings are sizeable enough to warrant another miniseries, just as Firefly fans are working to make sure Serenity is a big enough hit that Universal will option a trilogy and more of the franchise. In the meantime, science-fiction fans can be content in spurning the unoriginality of Enterprise.

Rob Forman is a junior in Wharton. You can write to him at robertf@wharton. Edwards, however, appeared to be about as likeable as possible. For one thing, he’s abso- lutely gorgeous. Yes, he’s 51 years old, but he’s just so dreamy. During the debate, when he was asked a question in which he was not supposed to use Kerry’s name and he did, he realized his mistake, put on that big southern grin and apologized. Who could resist that charm except per- haps Cheney? Even he, when looking at Edwards, had to have had moments when he wished President Bush did not oppose same-sex marriage. Bush Who? On a more substantive level, the Vice President made a fairly interesting mistake through- out the debate. Edwards referenced John Kerry time and again, to the point where he sounded like a five year old bragging about how great is his dad. While this was an annoyance, Cheney took the other extreme. In the entire debate Cheney mentioned President Bush by name about twice. Once was at the end, almost as an afterthought, and the other time was in reference to the less than flattering distinction of President Bush calling for amending the U.S. Constitu- tion to ban same-sex marriage. In response to a question on this topic, Cheney stated that his own personal opinion remains that states should handle the question of marriage. Cheney then highlighted how he [President Bush] sets the policies for the administration and that he [again the President] feels it is wrong for courts to impose same-sex marriage rights. I think political pundit Chris Matthews had it right when he said, “We are having a vice presidential debate with an incumbent president, George W. Bush, who is running for reelection, I believe on the same ticket as Dick Cheney. I never heard the president’s name except when he was the gay basher. He was the one, according to Cheney, that wouldn’t let his daughter off the hook.” Indeed, Vice President Cheney’s daughter Mary Cheney is a lesbian, which would explain the subtle differ- ence between Bush and Cheney on this issue. Talk about awkward. Absolutely nothing Cheney said last Tuesday could possibly impress anyone about President Bush. While Cheney spoke, I kept thinking he could effectively be president right now instead of Bush. This poses a problem for Bush, as people will look to him when voting, not his V.P. run- ning mate. In failing to evoke Bush other than to blame him for the Federal Marriage Amend- ment, Cheney fumbled an excellent opportunity to give the President a boost in the polls. The most Cheney accomplished was to perhaps increase his personal likeability with voters, leaving Bush himself out to dry. The final word: Edwards, with all of his youthful charm, came across as a well-meaning person with a lot to learn. Unfortunately, he also came across as a naïve V.P. wannabe who needs more experience to play with the grownups. On the other hand, Cheney appeared well-polished, well-briefed and strong as the man who could be president if needed. His broad experience in foreign policy and his well-researched attacks on Senator Edwards were apparent to anyone watching. Aside from making little connection between himself and the President, Cheney gave a near flawless performance. Michael Patterson is a senior in the College. You can write to him at mjp2@sas. OCTOBER 11, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 4 PAGE 7 GREEN AT NINETEEN, GREY AT TWENTY-TWO Enrolling in the Accelerated Emotional Aging Program BY CHRISTINE CHEN PLANNING FOR THE SUMMER in the meager beginnings of fall is a reality for many gauged my “freshness.” What made it so screamingly obvious? I mean, by then I knew and upset ting to say the least. It is about as annoying as when the local five-and-dime vaguely where I was going and was on a schedule. Where had I gone wrong? I would puts out the dancing Santa Claus next to the fifty-cent inflatable beach balls in the later obsess over her comment in the two weeks that followed, promptly forget, and now middle of summer. I passed by that display window pissed beyond words. Nobody lives a year later, remember it clear as day. Open and approachable, decked in a mildly worn in the now anymore. Instead, we live in the hazy limbo ranging anywhere from five tee shirt and jeans, she went into a couple choice vague comments like “you dress nicely,” minutes to five years from now. which was just meaningless birdseed. I mean, I will dress presentably until the day I die! The life of an undergraduate student at Penn ebbs with an undercurrent of uncer - It’s the way I’ve been raised. She ended with the final road block of “I can just tell,” with tainty. Some might say that this is the most exciting time in our lives, but at the same which I was left at the same place where I had begun, but with a tingling curiosity that time, the ambiguity of the future shapes our prison, cleverly disguised in ivy covered began to fester like herpes. This wise fool did lea ve me with what lit tle solace she could walls, eternal intellectual sunshine, and mixed drinks. We strive towards at taining some before packing up her salad bowl and plastic utensils: “You’ll see what I mean next year.” sort of stability. That is a common driving force behind pusuing higher education in the Then she promptly continued to spread her philosophical STD elsewhere. first place. While freshman year is fun and games for the most part, this reality becomes Only time will tell, and dammit, only time can tell you that that cliché is true. It is more crucial and foreboding in the following years. now the one year anniversary of that chance conversation, and in the grand tradition Youth is inherently beautiful; filled with the naivete and the unequivocal hope, or of youthful exuberance, I am pondering every aspect of change that has internally oc - faith rather, that one will get there, wherever “there” is, in curred. It is painfully clear now. I reflect on what I ha ve done during round one the end. Perhaps that is partially what appeals to creepy at Penn, and I cringe. A lot. And when I see other fresh - underclassmen frat boys that target impressionable fresh - Time flies by in your man doing the same, I cringe for them. The difference man girls, aside from the notoriously obvious biological is this: I am a ware of my youth, inexperience, and I am appeal. Regardless, while in fifty years we may actually inebriated bliss, and by the most a ware of the abundance of time. Thus, I am defen - not ha ve enough time to do all that we want as life winds sively armed with a reaffirmed mission: to let it happen. down, this is the period in our lives when we do ha ve all time you’ve sobered up, you Anything at all. I’ve been chastised before about my lack the time in the world, yet it just doesn’t feel that way. Par - of planning, my seemingly aimless wandering. Fingers tying and drinking yourself into a benign state only delays think “Shit! There is so much I ha ve been wagged at me by my peers, my friends, but the inevitable. It’s a mini-break in a sea of ivy despotically I remain resolute in doing what I want regardless of choking out the growth of any other type of greenery. Like have to do! Like save the baby whether it will be of any use to me in the future. I ha ve ivy, the Penn lifestyle is a beautifully villainous Catch-22. whales!” been in the world where the day is planned by a palm pi - Time flies by in your inebriated bliss, and by the time lot before. In high school it was structured planning for you’ve sobered up, you think “Shit! There is so much I college, and this time around it is geared for internships ha ve to do! Like sa ve the baby whales!” and jobs, but in essence it is déjà vu. I am not going to lie and say I ha ve done absolutely “You’re born and you’re red /you’re dead and you’re blue. You’re green at nineteen / no work toward securing such an internship or research position or that it is unimport - and grey at twenty-two” says Les Sa vy Fa v, in their deliciously commanding song Dis - ant, and anyone who does say this is either full of shit or going to be in it. I guess I can’t honest Don Part II. Never mind the title, the best ones usually doesn’t correlate to the explain it as coherently as I had hoped, but it’s an at titude that I ha ve acquired layer by content of the song whatsoever, but it sounds cool, and that is precisely what youth is, layer over the year. Or maybe that’s more circular wise-fool speak, in which case this and should be about. makes complete sense. What exactly takes place in the subtle transformation from freshman to sophomore ? Although it is unreasonable to expect, or even want to be, as “green” as we were fresh - We all know the transition as former “wise-fools” in the high school seniority hierarchy man year, let’s aim for Kelly green or worst case scenario, hunter green, rather than grey first hand, but somehow it is different in college. It is high time to deconstruct this at twenty-two. And let’s try to spell as many English words with British spelling while quandary at its source. we’re at it because we ha ve a lot of time. Exactly this time last year, I remember randomly conversing with a girl in Houston Hall during the insanely crowded lunch time slot somewhere between 12:30 and 1:30 pm. She asked with a tone of expectation, “Are you a freshman?” and I confirmed her suspicions, but to her surprise, I pressed the issue further. I was interested in how she Christine Chen is a sophomore in Engineering. You can write to her at cachen@seas. VOTE FOR CHANGE Continued from PAGE 1

of his songs including the highly appropriate “Fortunate Son.” Almost immediately after Fogerty left, Stipe was back—in a Kerry shirt—to duet on “Because the Night,” which ended up being his finest performance of the evening. Instead of introducing the E Street Band during the instrumental break of “Mary’s Place” as he usually does, Springsteen staged a mock conversion of an actor dressed as a conservative stereotype. It was stupid, but everyone was too giddy to care. Fogerty returned for “Proud Mary,” and then I and the other five Bright Eyes fans in the arena applauded conspicuously as Oberst followed Stipe onto the packed stage for the final two songs, both covers: Nick Lowe’s “What’s So Funny ‘Bout Peace, Love, and U nderstanding” and Patti Smith’s “People Got the Power.” Despite the confusion over who was to share which microphone with whom, it was a pleasant end to a fantastic show. That was all completely objective, I swear. That the entertainment industry is unabashedly liberal is far less noxious than the preponderance of Bush supporters among America’s corporate fat cats. Spring - steen and Co. are certainly rich enough to personally benefit from the current lop - sided economic policies so the fact that they take up the opposite cause reflects au - thentic, selfless concern for the underdogs. Anyone familiar with Springsteen knows that’s nothing new for him. Everyone else should be heartened by this not-for-profit coalition, which serves as an electric reminder that dissent is patriotic, even if you forgot Poland. Springsteen: A R.E.M.: C+ Bright Eyes: Damn you, SEPTA

James Houston is a senior in the College. You can write to him at jhouston@sas.

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firstcallismFREE INTERNET GAMES: BEST WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT AND FRIENDS SIMULTANEOUSLY THE UNDERGRADUATE MAGAZINE | OCTOBER 11, 2004 VOL. V NO.4

Critically Informed DUAL DEGREES & THE JUJU CRISIS BRIAN HERTLER | SLEIGHT OF HAND

PENN WAS FULL of bad juju. harmful experiments. Once harmony was restored, the me- He gritted his teeth. He didn’t need to be clean; he An evil group of dual-degree teor would surely turn away from Penn. needed to stop the philosophers in High Rise South. The students, each with majors in Phi- He set out for their secret hideout, which was located at building had just gotten a 28 million renovation, but Danny losophy and Atomic Physics, had the top of High Rise South. Unfortunately, campus seemed knew enough to be careful. He walked inside and, very cau- gained a stranglehold over cam- to be deteriorating before his eyes. All the manhole covers tiously, swiped his PennCard on the newfangled sliding-glass pus karma. They’d applied the had burst, and were all spewing geysers of brown, foul-smell- machine. As he tried to pass through, however, the glass sud- power of the atom to their theory ing sewage. Locust Walk was submerged and impassable, a denly slid closed, almost slicing him in half; only with cat-like of Pessimistic De-Humanism, and veritable river of slime, and students were fleeing into build- reflexes did he leap to safety. Had evil mojo somehow gotten all of West Philadelphia felt the ings for safety. Little did they suspect that the cafeterias and into the machinery? effects. Investment bankers were dormitories, too, were shin-deep in human waste. None of the elevators were working, so he began the long predicting recession, food carts were inflating their prices, and Penn’s juju, Danny thought, must’ve been getting worse. climb to the Rooftop Lounge. It was much later, then, that he nobody raised their hands in recitation. As the theory spread, Undaunted, he took his shoes off and waded heroically to- emerged into the secret lair of the dual-degree students. Penn was falling apart. wards the High Rises. “Halt your mischief-making!” he cried, still gasping Danny Keyhole, a brave Astronomy major, burst into Amy In his mind, there had always been something untrust- for breath. “You don’t know it, but your experiments have Gutmann’s office in College Hall. “Ms. President!” he cried. worthy about dual-degree students. When students are brought terrible consequences! A meteor is headed this way, “Something terrible is about to happen!” choosing their majors, he thought, they should have to make ready to destroy the school! We’re having problems with the President Gutmann, from behind her desk, only stared a choice: either the enjoyable subjects in the College, or the most fundamental maintenance issues; our students are get- back at him. An expression of pessimistic dehumanization useful subjects in Wharton, Engineering, or Nursing. To have ting hysterical and stupid over politics; and, worst of all, the was plastered across her face. both at once was simply greedy—no wonder these atomic phi- Administration refuses to respond to even the most critical “I’ve discovered,” Danny continued, “that Penn’s bad kar- losophers had caused evil. problems. You’ve got to purify our juju!” ma has affected the whole country! There have been natural As he made his long, hard slog through the quagmire, he The dual-degree students looked up from their calcula- disasters—hurricanes in Florida, earthquakes in California, noticed some of the Locust Walk debris that floated past him: tions. They’d filled the Rooftop Lounge with blackboards; even a volcanic eruption in Washington—all because of our there were political ads for the UA—”Vote for me because I each was covered in obscure calculations —the speed of tainted juju! And now there’s something much worse: a drink a lot!”—and t-shirts with blurry, poorly-scanned faces light multiplied by Nietzsche, divided by the number of meteor is speeding towards Earth, and it’s aimed directly at on the front. A thought struck him—could faulty voodoo be pages...— but also question marks and empty spaces. One of Penn!” responsible for Penn’s stupidity? the students scratched his head. “But we never completed any At this last statement, President Gutmann finally raised The sewage flood finally ended at the 38th Street bridge. experiments.” her head. She blinked her eyes rapidly and appeared bored, Danny shook himself off and, deciding to clean up at the “You must’ve finished at least one,” Danny protested. “Penn angry, and defensive by turns. Finally she said, “So we’re nearest dormitory, ran across the bridge to High Rise East. could never get so messed up on its own—not after we’ve paid doomed. Who cares?” Unfortunately, he found the entranceway covered in ominous so much money. At least, it shouldn’t get so messed up...” She called security, and Danny Keyhole was escorted flyers: Attention! Today there is an Emergency Water Shut- In another moment, the truth sank in. He and the dual- outside. He was flabbergasted—Penn faced a disaster, yet down in effect. Students are advised to take their hygienic degree students pondered the situation for a while, then found nobody seemed to mind. He’d expected President Gutmann needs elsewhere. an ideal solution: they’d all take the semester abroad, so they’d to destroy the meteor from space, or to start digging impact- Everything on campus was going wrong. He tried to ring be gone when the meteor hit. proof caves under Hill Field. Instead, the bad juju had sapped the doorbells on some of the nearby frat houses, but the buzz- her will to act. ers weren’t working—the electricity must’ve been out! Danny Danny, filling with resolve, decided to solve the problem realized that Pessimistic De-Humanism had been affecting Brian Hertler is a senior in the College. You can write to him at himself. He’d find the dual-degree students and stop their maintenance workers, too. hertlerb@sas. THERE’S NO CURSES IN BASEBALL!

BY ADAM GOLDSTEIN after recently winning a world series, there February 14th Yankee signing of A-Rod the of rage, forcing him to go onto the disabled remains just one team and one curse still Valentine’s Day Massacre and claiming the list for an extended period of time. BASEBALL IS A SPORT full of superstition. alive—the Boston Red Sox and the Curse of Curse of the Babe had struck again. As had Meanwhile, the Red Sox, led by off-sea- Little leaguers and big leaguers share many the Bambino. The Sox curse is said to have happened on that infamous day in 1920, the son signee Curt Shilling, more than held their of the same ritualistic practices while on the begun in 1920 when the team’s owner sold a Yankees had once more stolen a great player own in the AL East, routinely outplaying the diamond. Some refuse to step on the foul pitcher named Babe Ruth to the New York from the grasps of the Sox and seemed des- Yankees during the spring. When the team lines when entering and exiting the field, oth- Yankees for 100,000 dollars. In the years tined to win another title. hit a skid during the summer, GM Theo Ep- ers will continue to wear the same underwear that followed, Ruth became arguably the But a funny thing happened on the way stein made the unthinkable move of trading and socks during a hitting or winning streak, game’s greatest player, and the Yankees went to October. The Yankees did not play to the long time Boston star Nomar Garciaparra for while still more insist upon always eating the on to win 26 World Championships. In con- level of their lofty expectations, mainly be- Orlando Cabrera and Doug Mientkiewicz. same pre-game meal. Many of the most dis- trast, the Red Sox, after winning their fifth cause many of their high-priced stars failed The trade sent Sox fans into a frenzy, furi- tinctive rites in baseball are associated with championship in 1918, would reach only four to perform at a consistently high level. Alex ous their beloved “Nomah” had been dealt particular Major League teams. In times of World Series after dealing Ruth. They lost in Rodriguez found himself in a slump during for two players who were each struggling to crisis, Braves fans enact the infamous toma- the final game of each of those series. Over the early part of the season and finished the hit much above 200. The season, Boston hawk chop, Philadelphia natives count on the last 85 years, scores of Yankee fans have year hitting 11 fewer homeruns then he did supporters declared, was officially over. The the magical powers of the Phanatic’s famed dosed off peacefully while recounting the tri- last year, as his batting average fell nearly curse, they said, had appeared once again. pelvic thrusts, and the Angels’ faithful pray to umphs of their heroes: 20 points below his The Red Sox would prove, though, that this that idol known as the Rally Monkey. Then Ruth and DiMaggio, Each year the sport’s most career average. The assessment could not be further from the there are the players themselves, who are just Jackson and Berra, team’s captain Derek truth. The trade galvanized the club with as superstitious and quirky as the fans who Jeter and Rivera. In feared supernatural Jeter got off to the the Sox promptly winning 10 games in a row. root them on. There’s Sammy and his kiss Boston, however, Sox worst start of his While Nomar failed to produce in Chicago to the camera, Nomar’s OCD routine in the fans shiver at night as entity threatens to rear its career, going hitless and the Cubs came up short in their bid for batter’s box, and Johnny Damon doing his they try to shake im- ugly head: The Curse. in 32 straight at-bats a playoff berth, the Red Sox simply rolled, best Encino Man impersonation. ages of Buckner and during the spring. easily grabbing the AL wild card spot and Yet each year, as hot summer days fade Boone from their tired During home games entering the post season as one of the hottest into cool fall nights and baseball’s postseason heads. in May, Jeter was actually booed by Yankee teams in baseball. gets underway, the sport’s most feared super- This year, though, something just feels fans, a phenomenon on-par with, say, Gan- So, could it be that the Curse of the Bam- natural entity threatens to rear its ugly head. different. For once, it seems as though the dhi getting heckled at a peace rally. In July, bino has been lifted while the Curse of the A- I refer, of course, to The Curse. The very men- Red Sox are the ones destined to succeed slugger Jason Giambi fell mysteriously ill and Rod has descended upon the Yankees organi- tion of the word is enough to make some fans while the Yankees seem certain to self-de- remained sick for much of the year. Conse- zation? Well, despite their inconsistent play, roll their eyes in disbelieving disgust, while struct. Eerily enough, I would argue this quently, his season-ending numbers were the Yankees did find a way to win 101 games causing others, those more supernaturally flip-flop in fortunes between the two teams pathetic (.220, 12, 40) and he was left off and the division. And, as I write this article, inclined, to plug their ears and begin scream- began during an off-season blockbuster the team’s active post-season roster. Highly the Yankees have just evened their series with ing as they scamper off to their respective trade, one which drew comparisons to the regarded pitcher Javier Vasquez struggled all the Twins after a 12th inning RBI double by, house of worship. Whether one speaks of aforementioned deal involving Mr. Ruth. season for his new team, and his ERA bal- who else, Alex Rodriguez. Is it possible that the Detroit Tigers Curse of the Colonel, the Last winter, the Texas Rangers announced looned to nearly five. Another hurler, Jose the Yankees and Red Sox could meet again in hex placed upon old Anaheim Stadium after they were placing Alex Rodriguez, perhaps Contreras, played so miserably that he was the League Championship, once more chal- it was built on an Indian burial ground, or baseball’s best all-around player, on the traded to the White Sox for Esteban Loaiza. lenging the laws of fate which bind the game the Cubs’ infamous Billy Goat curse, every trading block. The Red Sox, eager to secure Loaiza then proceeded to pitch even worse of baseball? Who knows, but you can bet fan, coach, and player has an opinion about the stud shortstop, offered some of its best than Contreras and was promptly benched. that if these two storied teams do face each whether or not his team is doomed to fail. players and gobs of cash to the Rangers to Despite all this, no one would argue that the other in a series, the Babe and I will both be This autumn, with the Tigers and Cubs acquire Rodriguez, only to see the hated Yan- crowning moment of the Yankees season watching every minute. having failed to make the postseason and the kees secure the All-Star instead. Boston fans wasn’t in August when pitcher Kevin Brown Adam Goldstein is a junior in the College. You can Angels having rid themselves of their blight went into immediate mourning, dubbing the broke his hand after punching a wall in a fit write to him at adamsg@sas.