The Undergraduate Magazine Vol. V, No. 4 | October 11, 2004 Girl Empowered The Great Dictator In Your Dreams Curse You!! Srivastava examines the role of wom- Read about Jou’s experience When Saul nods off about detrimental Goldstein ponders the relevance of the en in the upcoming Afghan election Guys Drop Their Pants sleeping habits many baseball superstitions Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 8 THE DP ON SEX, MONEY, AND IDIOCY ANDREW PEDERSON | BRUT FORCE DP EDITORIAL COLUMNS soul even goes so far as to pose “Some tough questions for income with sex; that is, people who make more money have never been known President Bush.” I am sure the President is terrified. do not necessarily get more sex. Secondly, because the for their keen insights nor By far the worst of these shameful circus-freaks of author equates a Wharton education with immediate their skilled rhetoric. On rhetoric was a dubious piece of lettered phlegm entitled, profitability, he cheekily asks: “So why then, are we in the contrary, most opinions “The importance of sex and money.” The course of the Wharton?” Obviously education is out; MBA hoes all the expressed in the campus article moves from a stirring, and of course completely way. newspaper are badly re- original reference to Donald Trump, all the way through The article also highlights the feature of the study interpreted forms of the an actual scientific study, on to another stunningly origi- which equates the rough value of a year’s worth of sex to ten or fifteen issues which nal reference of a SAS graduate working at McDonald’s, a salary increase of 50,000 dollars and then questions circle continuously and lazily and then to a decidedly erudite conclusion based on a which would be more enjoyable. Here again, the article around the public sphere. quote from Plato’s Republic. All of this content together is merely stating the obvious. Take the money! While However, a sampling of recent DP editorial titles adds a represents poor taste, but the situation is exacerbated by the results of the survey do provoke interesting questions, particularly pathetic dimension to the current dearth of the fact that buried deep down at the core of this awful I think one of the least would be: “Would I rather have provocative news. editorial is a provocative and edgy opinion piece about 50,000 dollars or sex once a week every week all year The usually limited range of topics addressed by these sex and money that is screaming to be let loose. Those round?” The answer is obvious. columnists fell this week from stock pseudo public service are screams I cannot ignore. The question seems idiotic to me since I hail from announcements regarding anorexia and drug use, to new Despite a circuitous and at times random logic, the a state where money literally will buy you happiness if lows of merely stating the obvious. These Forrest Gump- point which appears to be the main theme of the piece is indeed one interprets the study to mean that sex and esque pronouncements range from “Penn must speak on the question of the relative importance of copulation and happiness are interchangeable. Perhaps you have heard accident at frat” and “Penn apparel is far too expensive” financial security. The study which spurred the creation of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch? I can say with only a to “The need to stop genocide in Sudan.” No shit. This of this editorial monstrosity in the first place suggests small measure of shame that the particular establishment week, I suppose the articles that remained on the edito- that people who make less money are happier than those graced by Howard Stern and Jesse Ventura is approxi- rial room floor were such almost-gems as “Dining hall more monetarily well-endowed as long as they have sex mately a twenty minute drive from the house I lived in floor sticky at times” and “Oranges tend to be rounder more often. The article then brings Wharton into the since birth. Take the 50,000 dollars and there you will be than apples,” not to mention the quintessence of thought- middle of things with a unique, though unwarranted, able to buy all the sex that Wharton can’t give you, all the ful writing, “Poop smells different than food.” One bold thought experiment. First, the study does not correlate things a Penn girl with a decent measure of self-respect Continued on PAGE 5 COALITION OF THE PENGUIN TIME WILLING ARTISTS BY JAMES HOUSTON BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN WAS YANKED into partisan politics in 1984 when Ronald Reagan appropriated “Born in the U.S.A.” as the theme song of his re-election campaign. Apparently formalities like listening to the lyrics couldn’t be squeezed into the Gipper’s chaotic schedule, and Springsteen immediately called him on his gross misinterpretation of the anti-Vietnam War anthem. After twenty years of relative political silence from the Boss, his conscience has resurfaced at the helm of Vote for Change, a gathering of seventeen recording artists united by the con- viction that W stands for Very Bad President. Split into groups (cells?) of 2-5 artists, Vote for Change played the six most critical battleground states during the first week of October. For this, I’m thankful that the GOP juggernaut occupies half of Pennsylva- nia, since Springsteen was compelled to open his branch of the tour on October 1st at the Wachovia Center with Bright Eyes and R.E.M. on the undercard. The advertised start time was 7:30. As 7:45 passed in a frozen SEPTA car, I slowly accepted that my inner emo nebbish would be MARIAN LEE denied Conor Oberst’s hypersensitive soul-searching. I took my seat at the show mentally muttering the Bright Eyes line “I’m not angry, it happens” (from “Let’s Not Shit Ourselves”) just as R.E.M. was beginning BRAWL IN CLEVELAND “The One I Love.” The years have made Michael Stipe more androgy- The Cheney v. Edwards Showdown nous, and as he lurched about the stage in a white suit executing suavely uncool Elaine Benes dance moves, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh MICHAEL PATTERSON | OUT OF THE FOLD derisively or question my sexuality. The following eleven songs mostly consisted of newer material, highlighted by the angry “Final Straw.” The VICE PRESIDENT Shock and Awe from the V.P. casual fans perked up when Peter Buck grabbed the mandolin for “Los- DICK CHENEY and I was completely astounded by the Vice Pres- ing My Religion,” and everyone stood when Springsteen came out to sing Senator John Edwards ident’s performance Tuesday night. It has always half of “Man on the Moon.” met for their first and been known that Cheney possesses a far better grasp only debate last Tuesday. of usage of the English language than the President R.E.M. lacked energy. The intangible gleam that makes their re- With expectations high does, but his control of the debate was nothing short cords so good was missing. Stipe’s signature detachment made him on both sides of the po- of astounding. From the very beginning, Cheney suc- seem less like a mysterious genius and more like someone who was re- litical spectrum, this V.P. cessfully deflected the majority of Edwards’ attacks. ally bored. I don’t think most of the audience was as disappointed as I debate had the potential For example, Edwards opened up with broad attacks was, as some bathroom eavesdropping revealed that few attendees were to be the first relevant on the administration’s handling of the situation in there for R.E.M. one in decades. Could Cheney perform damage Iraq and Afghanistan, saying “very quickly the ad- In fairness, I ought to admit that I would probably go on a killing control for what was at best a lackluster, really rather ministration made a decision to divert attention from spree if I felt a Springsteen song was telling me to, but I promise to disastrous, performance on the part of President [Afghanistan] and instead began to plan for the in- force objectivity for the next two paragraphs. A sparkling instrumental Bush a few days earlier? Could Edwards build even vasion of Iraq.” The problem Edwards has is this and more on the momentum gained by the outstanding other statements fail to add anything new and instead rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” opened Bruce & The E Street win of Senator Kerry against the President in the first repeat what John Kerry has been saying on the cam- Band’s set, segueing into “Born in the U.S.A.” which, thanks to Reagan, presidential debate? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, walk- paign trail. Where is this man’s ingenuity? At least he now carries the implicit message “screw Republican ignorance.” The ing away from that stage in Cleveland, Ohio could be has that fabulous hair. highlight of the show came early: a sweaty, exhilarating, full-band one alpha dog, one true winner of this debate. Who Dick Cheney had a great deal of new, original romp through the usually acoustic “Johnny 99.” After the stirring and would claim the prize as the numero uno contender material to offer after what the President said in his overlooked “Youngstown,” capped by a blistering guitar solo from Nils of the evening? first face-off with Senator Kerry. In fact, listening to Lofgren, Springsteen introduced John Fogerty of CCR, who sang three It was the White Rhino himself, Dick Cheney. Cheney respond to the criticism he received from Ed- Continued on PAGE 7 Continued on PAGE 6 PAGE 2 OCTOBER 11, 2004 | FIRST CALL | VOL.