Who's the Biggest Loser Now?
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The New Hampshire Gazette, Friday, May 10, 2019 — Page 1 Vol. CCLXII, No. 17 The New Hampshire Gazette Grab Me! May 10, 2019 The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ • Editor: Steven Fowle • Founded 1756 by Daniel Fowle PO Box 756, Portsmouth, NH 03802 • [email protected] • www.nhgazette.com I’m Free! The Fortnightly Rant Who’s the Biggest Loser Now? ike an optimistic child say- could be only one. ing “there’s got to be a pony in With two of the nation’s most Lhere somewhere,” we’ve concluded self-righteous zealots trading accu- that the events of the past fortnight sations of threats, fiscal shenanigans, contain the seeds of a theory which and general chicanery, “it’s hard to could revolutionize political science: say which is a reliable narrator,” said The American body politic is Betsy Woodruff of The Daily Beast, like the atmosphere in that both earning a Pulitzer nomination for can absorb far more of a toxic sub- elegant euphemism. stance, i.e., Fox News or CO2, than Befitting a man owning $200,000 anyone would ever have imagined, worth of Ermenegildo Zegna suits, and in both cases the strangeness LaPierre won the power struggle. of the consequences rises exponen- With North out of the way he can tially, rather than arithmetically—it turn his attention back to preserv- doesn’t just add up, it multiplies. ing such vital scams as the NRA’s This parallel may be too obvious endangered Carry Guard, a form of to bother mentioning, but we can’t insurance crafted to serve the needs help it. Entertaining crackpot ideas of law-abiding citizens who just is how we stave off the heebie-jee- happened to shoot somebody. bies which come from reading other Early in the fortnight it was re- newspapers. ported that in 2017 U.S. officials It’s been a hell of a fortnight. signed, on President Trump’s orders, Exactly two weeks ago President a bill from North Korea for $2 mil- Trump stood before the NRA’s na- lion to cover the cost of Otto Warm- tional convention and talked about bier’s medical expenses. President “corruption at the highest level” in Trump denied that the U.S. had paid tivists, now called the Embassy Pro- them going around. Well, not really, York Times having just reported on Washington, D.C. Strangely, he North Korea anything, and, on this, tection Collective (EPC), along with but there is a lot of talk about coups nine years worth of Trump financial was referring not to himself, but the we believe him. He is the anti-Lan- permission to remain until a perma- going around. Newt Gingrich and data, there is little reason to hope Mueller investigation. “They tried nister: a Trump never pays his bills. nent protectorate can be found.” Sean Hannity have been applying that the President’s mood or cog- for a coup,” he said. “Didn’t work out As April turned to May, it brief- Since the April 30th coup collapse the term to any Democratic mem- nitive ability will be improving any so well.” ly looked as if Trump might score a in Caracas, the EPC has been under ber of Congress trying to do his or time soon. Trump also announced he was coup—literally—in South America. siege by pro-Guaidó demonstrators. her job lately. Attorney General Barr As if to rub salt in the President’s pulling the U.S. out of the 2014 Venezuelan opposition leader Juan As press time approaches, the scene has apparently come down with the wounds, hundreds of former feder- Arms Trade Treaty, implying Guaidó, the beneficiary of early sup- is reminiscent of the riot outside the same brain worm. He’s taken to call- al prosecutors have signed a letter that it compromised citizens’ 2nd port from Trump, was expecting to Turkish Embassy in May of 2017— ing FBI investigative work “spying.” saying the Mueller report provided Amendment rights—which is utter take over as soon as a few top aides if the D.C. cops had helped beat A cavalier attitude towards the ample evidence of “multiple felony #$@&%$. to President Nicolás Maduro with- the protestors, instead of protecting truth, of course, comes naturally to charges for obstruction of justice.” Next morning came a revela- drew their support. They failed to do them. Gerry Condon, President of Trump administration members On Wednesday, Trump threw a tion: there had been a coup—in the so, and Maduro prevailed, at least for Veterans for Peace, attempted to de- and its hangers-on: the head man’s Hail Mary and claimed executive NRA. That was a pretty big deal, the time being—in Venezuela liver food to the embassy Wednes- own official tally for lies has now privilege for the Mueller report. considering that for decades the or- At about that time the coup at- day. The U.S. Secret Service arrested surpassed 10,000. The question at Now Attorney General Barr is run- ganization has effectively held veto tempt metastasized, from Caracas him, knocking him to the ground in this point seems to be, does he even ning the risk of being arrested by power over every Republican nomi- to Washington, D.C.—specifical- the process and bloodying his head. know anymore when he’s lying? the Sergeant at Arms of the U.S. nation to high political office. ly to the Venezuelan Embassy in That may seem a bit shocking, “President Trump’s latest position House—and that was before Don Behind the scenes, NRA Presi- Georgetown. Maduro had ordered but put it in context: according to on the Mueller report is that it both Jr. was subpoenaed by the Senate dent Oliver North, a former Marine the embassy to close in January, a recent report from the Center for totally exonerates him and is fatally Intelligence Committee, which is Lt. Col., and Wayne LaPierre, long- shortly after the Trump adminis- Economic and Policy Research, U.S. flawed at its very core—because it controlled by—gasp—Republicans! time NRA CEO, had been butting tration recognized Guaidó as the sanctions have caused the deaths of doesn’t totally exonerate him.” So There is no rest for the wicked, heads. Like “The Highlander,” but country’s President. The departing 40,000 Venezuelans since 2017. wrote the Washington Post’s Greg nor tranquility for the frazzled. with guns instead of swords, there diplomats “gave the keys to … ac- Speaking of coups, there’s a lot of Sargent on May 3rd. With the New The Alleged News® Yet another warning that the world is ending … zzzzz UN panel composed of the if the scientists thought that we, the issued a “Special Report on Glob- Last month the President signed be faulted. As a newspaper, it’s our world’s leading environmental people, can’t handle the whole truth, al Warming of 1.5 °C.” Limiting executive orders making it “easier for duty to point it out: all five processes scientistsA met in Paris last week to the condescending bastards. warming to a 1.5 °C increase, it said, firms to build oil and gas pipelines driving us towards the planet’s sixth release the first major report on bio- The report’s headline-grabbing would be a bare minimum to avoid and harder for state agencies to in- Great Extinction can be subsumed diversity in 15 years. Why Paris in- bottom line was that the rate of spe- truly catastrophic consequences. tervene,” according to the Washing- under one heading: business as usual. stead of UN Headquarters? Perhaps cies extinction is accelerating, and That would require “human-caused ton Post. As if on cue, Secretary of The smart money is betting there they feared a certain former real es- about a million species are in danger emissions of carbon dioxide (CO2) State Mike Pompeo went to Finland are big profits to be had before most tate developer from Queens might of extinction in the next few decades. … to fall by about 45 percent from on Monday for the 11th Ministeri- of us choke to death on our own get wind of their activities and heap Roughly speaking—which seems 2010 levels by 2030, reaching ‘net al Meeting of the Arctic Council. toxic fumes as we give Elon Musk scorn upon them. appropriate in this context—that’s zero’ around 2050.” An official press release said he was and Jeff Bezos a well-deserved sin- The UN called its panel, with a about one-eighth of all the species Eric Holthaus, a meteorologist there to “reinforce the U.S. Commit- gle-digit farewell salute. characteristic lack of pizzazz, the thought to exist. who also reports on climate news ment to the Arctic.” That sounded We’d be happy to be proven Intergovernmental Science-Pol- The scientists attributed respon- for Grist, tweeted, “This report is a fine—until he opened his mouth. wrong, of course. After thirty years icy Platform on Biodiversity and sibility for this calamity to five pri- wake-up call: Never before in our “Steady reductions in sea ice are at the helm of The Nation’s Oldest Ecosystem Services (IPBES). Any mary causes: conversion or alteration planet’s history has a single species opening new passageways and new Newspaper™, we’re beginning to two-bit Frank Luntz impersonator of natural habitat, overfishing of the threatened the stability of life itself opportunities for trade. This could see faint glimmers of how our job could have come up with a more oceans, pollution of land and water, in such a profound way.