The Purchase

ISSUE 95

Frankie Muniz Loves Purchase By Bill Reese

Freshman film majors were both delighted and horrified last month when they met their new classmate, TV and film star, Frankie Muniz. Students could barely believe that the five foot, 90 pound child sitting in the back of the class wearing a Sean John sweater, a backwards-turned Dodgers cap and sunglasses was in fact Malcolm in the Middle. Muniz, 18, decided to come to Purchase after his agent, Barry Goldsteinberg, who also represents Purchase Film dropouts Scarlett Johansson and that kid from Pete and Pete, pulled some strings with the department chair. Professor Jon Rubin describes “offensive language”; (up 165 since 1999) Muniz’ work as “esoteric,” an answer which the Banned Book Week - 1,256 were to material considered “unsuited professor also gave for the questions “How are By Kait Sudol to age group”; (up 89 since 1999) you today, Jon?” and “Can I ask you about - 842 were to material with an “occult theme or Frankie Muniz?” promoting the occult or Satanism,”; (up 69 “I’ve never heard of him. I don’t What makes a book “unsuited” to its age group? Is it language? Violence? Mature since 1999) watch TV. I only watch French noir art films,” - 737 were to material considered to be “vio- said freshman film major Constance MacBeth. themes? What makes a theme mature? Is something that your 12-year-old brother does- lent”; (up 107 since 1999) Although he owns an apartment in - 515 were to material with a homosexual the upper west side of Manhattan and drives n’t understand a “mature theme,” even if the rest of his seventh grade class has no problem theme or “promoting homosexuality”; (up 18 the new 1,001 horsepower Bugatti, Muniz is since 1999) reportedly living in a single room in Crossroads with it? Should a book with a theme like that be banned from the school district, just because of - 419 were to material “promoting a religious in order to research and prepare for his next viewpoint”; (up 22 since 1999) role in Agent Cody Banks 3: Sorority S.W.A.T. that one child who failed to understand it or Team. Residents describe him as “elusive,” took offense to it? Questions like this aren’t uncommon Other reasons for challenges includ- “unapproachable” and “really short.” ed “nudity” (317 challenges, up 20 since 1999), Speaking through his publicist, during Banned Books Week, a week-long event sponsored by the American Library “racism” (267 challenges, up 22 since 1999), Muniz said that he was enjoying the Purchase “sex education” (224 challenges, up 7 since College experience and was looking forward to Association that celebrates the written word and freedom against censorship. It spans the 1999), and “anti-family” (202 challenges, up 9 working with the talented professors, students since 1999). Seventy-one percent of these and his new idol, Stephen Bono. last week of September each year and helps to promote awareness of the disquieting number challenges were to materials in schools or When Independent reporters caught school libraries. up with him after a late night editing session, of books that are “challenged” all over the country for things like “offensive language,” Although the event is called “Banned however, Muniz was cranky, evasive and Books Week,” the majority of the books do not rude: “mature themes,” or “inappropriate content.” Between 1990 and 2000 there were usually move past the “challenged” state (a P I : Frankie… Frankie… We’re from The challenge being the attempt to restrict materi- Independent, can we ask you a qu… 6,364 challenges reported to the Office of Intellectual Freedom. Of these challenges: als, not the actual restriction). Thanks to the FM: Do you know who the fuck I am? efforts of librarians, teachers, booksellers, and PI: How are you liking it here? - 1,607 were challenges to “sexually explicit” supporters, these challenges often do not FM: Listen you brick-sucking fag-ass, I hate result in a removal of the material from public this fucking place. This is a college, not a material (up 161 since 1999); - 1,427 were to material considered to use consumption. Continued on Page 7... Continued on Page 7... accidentally used his social worker’s anal beads as a pearl necklace. After correcting the mistake for several hours, Jacob was profoundly changed. Stephan and Jacob’s paths first crossed at the Smelly Clam, a club named by Zagat’s as “The bloodiest OBITUARY: Starr and hotspot this side of Syria.” Stephan had become Starr, Chief Editors: Bill Reese Jade Die in Horrific performing her signature human-fondue act nightly. Steven Tartick Power Tool Sex Act Jacob, turned Jade, had developed a niche for herself by Content Coordinator: re-enacting the Titanic disaster in silhouette with her Emily Farrell Stephan “Starr” Jackson, and Jacob “Jade” labia. Their friendship developed over this time, culminat- Office Manager: Roster, passed away Tuesday morning at 4:37 AM. The ing in their two-woman show off-off-off-Broadway in which Mark Schroeder two companions fought for their lives courageously after Jade played Babs, the baby kangaroo and Starr played Assistant Layout Editor: a sexual experiment went awry at the The Smelly Clam, the pouch. Kait Sudol their regular venue. After several attempted resuscita- In 1992, Starr and Jade decided to expand their D i s t r i b ution Superv i s o r: tions, paramedics were unable to save the beloved drag horizons by attending Purchase College in Purchase, Robert Stewart-Rogers queen duo. Starr was 35 and Jade was 34. They lived a New York. The two created their own major, Painful Business Manager: combined 69 years in bliss. Sexual Fetish Studies, which was later renamed to Alice Gullotta Starr was born as Stephan Jackson in Des Women’s Studies. For their Senior Projects, the two Crack Team: Moines, Iowa. His father, George Jackson, was an oil staged the million man muff-dive, an event which, sadly, Patrick Cassels miner. As there is no oil in Iowa, finances were tight. fell flat at Purchase. Mattie Davitt George’s perpetual drinking problem had an impact on Upon graduation, the duo traveled abroad for a Natalie Eilbert Stephan, one he felt on a daily basis. Stephan’s one three year stay in the Middle East. After being caught Jessie LaBarbera place of sanctuary was his mother’s walk-in closet. with a Saudi prince, the two were quickly deported to Kristin Whitcomb Stephan would play wizard, putting on his mothers robes Pakistan, where they unsuccesfully marketed the”Hairy- Sable Yong and using her long and shaky magic wand. Bush Burka.” They decided to head back to The States C o p y Editor of the We e k : Jade started out life as Jacob Roster in the neu- shortly thereafter. Graham Beekman rological unit of the Mount Sinai Hospital in New York. His The memorial service for Starr and Jade will be Writers: mother, Latina Roster, had suffered a vaginal aneurism held pending police investigation at The Smelly Clam Patrick Cassels that led to severe brain damage directly before Jacob’s next Tuesday. Starr is survived by her parents George Kathleen Lavin birth. Jacob was born in perfect health, though his moth- and Dale, and Jade is survived by her gimps Brutus and M. James Panton er would never get the chance to see her son force a lava Cecil. The family asks in lieu of flowers to send lubricants Raphael Pelegrino lamp up his vagina. Latina’s death orphaned Jacob, and and food stamps. An estate sale will take place on Friday Kevin Rankin he was forced to move into an orphanage on Fire Island, at their home in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn, NY. Please bring Bill Reese where he spent his childhood. your own disenfectants. Starr and Jade will be forever Amanda Sisenstein While playing dress-up at the age of 14, Jacob remembered by many, with warm, wet, and hard feelings. Kait Sudol Artists: Campus Police God, it really turns me on.” Kedric Becker He's not the only one. Fellow Parking and Robert Stewart-Rogers Feverishly Masturbating Facilities Services officers Patrick Lingel and Jeffrey Jack Trades Ferber agree and they’re jerking off as hard as ever. in Anticipation of “I can’t wait until I see the expression on the face of someone I ticketed when they pull it off their wind- Writing Parking Tickets shield and look for the fee next week,” a wide-eyed Lingel The Purchase Independent is a non-profit says with a smirk, leaning back in his office chair. “For newspaper, paid for by the mandatory student activity fee. By Raphael Pelegrino the last month I’ve been timing myself to climax to that The Purchase Independent welcomes letters from the readers. We are an open forum for cam- particular image. Hmmmmm, I gotta go again, I’ll be right pus issues and comments about the Independent’s coverage. With only a few days remaining until campus back.” The deadline for letters to be considered for publication in the following issue is Tuesdays at police begin ticketing cars without proper parking decals, Tent pitched, Officer Lingel briskly power- midnight. After that, you must bribe us with officers are really “roughing up the suspect”-- hard. candy. walked out the office leaving a chuckling Officer Ferber The editors reserve the right to edit the letters “Man, I can’t wait!” for clarity. Publication of letters is not guar- behind. enteed, but subject to the discretion of of the edi- Officer David Comerford gleefully “Heh, he actually held out tors. Advertising space in The Independent is free. exclaims in ecstasy, riding around for an hour that time. I can’t go As space is limited, The Independent cannot guarentee immediate publication of ads. Editors in circles on his Segway. “It’s past 20 minutes without ‘cross- will determine which ads go in based upon their timeliness. Outside advertisers are also wel- impossible for me to really verbal- examining the witness.’” come. Event listings are also free of charge. To list ize how satisfying it is to ticket peo- Officer Michael Tenenbaum, an event either call or e-mail The Independent. ple. Oh God. Would you please We prefer that submissions come to us elec- the forth Parking and Facilities t r o n i c a l l y. Our e-mail address is: excuse me, I’m already hard as a [email protected] You can also leave Services officer was unavailable material in the Student Government office, Room rock thinking about it again.” for comment as of press time as he 1012 in CCN. Backpage quotes can be left in the Back Page box, a makeshift container nailed to Five minutes later, after has reportedly been busy at the the wall outside our office, CCN 1011. Our office is located on the first floor of returning from behind the bushes, Portchester Costco stocking up on Campus Center North, room 1011. Whenever we’re working, we leave the doors open and a breathless Comerford explains, 64-packs of Kleenex tissues for the encourage people to come in and say hello. Our o ffice hours are Tuesdays at 7:00 pm and “The first day of writing tickets is attendant booth at the entrance of Wednesdays at 4:00 pm. when we really stick it to them. I The opinions expressed in The Purchase the W-1 parking lot. Independent are not necessarily those of the gotta admit, I jumped the gun a lit- Parking permits vary in price staff of The Purchase Independent or the PSGA. The content printed in the Independent and tle bit and had some girl’s car for commuters and residents subsequent pull-put sections is the responsi- bility of the authors, not the editors. The impounded a couple of weeks ago, depending on if they want a Backpage is satirical, and should not be taken literally. but that was all a warm up for what’s coming. People for- semester, academic year, or annual sticker. They are Finally, no anonymous submissions will be considered. Instead, they will be recycled into tis- get or can’t afford to buy the necessary permits and they available to purchase weekdays at the Parking and sues for the police to use. So don’t send them get all of September as a grace period. But come Facilities Services Office next to the Admissions building. October... we make thousands off their dumb asses. Just beware of semen.

JOEJACK TALCUM (OF THE DEAD MILKMEN), JEFFREY LEWIS AND MORE AT WHITSON’S, 8PM 10/5 ✪ ISAAC ASIMOV IS Public College Tuition Indexing: L e t ’s Talk About SeXXX With Kathleen Lavin A Bad Idea for New York Kinkiest Places To “Do It” On Campus A Special Message from NYPIRG The laundry room: While the laundry room During the past few years, several 05, tuition and fees increased by 6% ($232) at under the dorms may be 1,000 degrees proposals have been recommended to Mississippi State University and by 9% ($354) Fahrenheit, and the laundry rooms by the increase tuition annually and automatically, at the University of Utah. These increases are apartments may be plagued by giant windows, set to a price index, at New York’s public greater than the CPI and HEPI.3 these somewhat unfortunate factors do not colleges. These plans are being promoted RESULT – States that use an index override the fact that the laundry rooms have as a way to limit tuition hikes, promising to decide tuition have seen tuition increas- dozens of vibrating, pelvis-height machines. predictability for students and families. es above and beyond that amount. This Besides, a little heat and exhibitionism never Over past two years, however, other states could happen in New York too. hurts, right? that index tuition have seen hikes greater I URGE YOU TO OPPOSE MEA- than the index, showing that the only guar- SURES THAT WOULD INCREASE TUITION. The hammocks: Obviously, you should wait antee is that tuition will go up and up and at For more information, please contact Miriam until the middle of the night when no one is very high rates. Kramer of NYPIRG at (607) 272-7301. around for this one. Just aim for even weight Research shows that a small number distribution and make sure the hammock you of states use a cost of living index—such as 1Every three years, the State Higher chose isn't strung up too high off the ground...it the consumer price index (CPI) or the Education Executive Officers (SHEEO) could be dangerous! higher education price index releases a “State Tuition, Fee, The library: This location is the college version (HEPI)—either as a “significant and Financial Aid Policies of the high school janitor's closet. Everyone influence” in setting tuition Survey” addressing the should attempt having a session or two in the policy or their tuitions are philosophy and rationale behind decision making in library before graduating. “directly indexed to the the states and the vari - 1 f a c t o r. ” The states ous influences on indi - Professor Sharfman’s desk: This tactic that use either form of vidual programs and works with any of your "favorite" indexing are: Alaska policies with regards to teachers...what could be a better way of saying (significantly influ- tuition, fees, and financial "your class is invigorating" than going at it on enced by HEPI and assistance policies. In the your professor's desk? CPI); Arkansas (signifi- as-yet unpublished survey for 2005-06, the states were Photo Lab: Considering these labs are in com- cantly influenced by HEPI); asked to identify factors and plete darkness, students can get away with a Iowa (directly indexed to HEPI); gauge the level of influence lot if they are quiet enough, no matter how Missouri (significantly influ- they may have when making close they are to other people. enced by CPI); North Carolina (significantly decisions about tuition levels. influenced by HEPI and CPI); and Ohio (signif- A small number of states indi - An elevator: Everyone needs to try having sex icantly influenced by CPI). cated that indexing—whether by the Consumer Price on an elevator at some point in their lives…just 2004 and 2005 were tough budget Index (CPI) or the Higher Education Price Index don’t forget to push the “emergency stop” but- years for almost every state. Faced with sig- (HEPI)—carried a significant influence over their tuition setting policies. One state, Iowa, said tuition is ton. nificant budget shortfalls, many states were “directly indexed” to the factor. forced to consider tuition increases and fund- The woods: Outdoor kinkiness embodies more benefits than one would think. Just be ing cuts for public higher education. 2 The National Association of State http://www.nasulgc.org. sure to pick a night that isn’t too cold or Universities and Land Grant Colleges damp…unless you’re into that. 3 (NASULGC) list offers the best snapshot of In 2003, CPI was 2.1% and HEPI was 2.9%; in The shower: This location can work out if exe- 2004, CPI was 2.2% and HEPI was 4.6%; in 2005, tuition and fee charges for the academic years cuted properly. You’ll have to be quiet, but real- 2003-2004 and 2004-2005.2 CPI is 3% and HEPI is 3.5%. CPI and HEPI data are from the Commonfund Institute at istically, no one will bother you if you are in the Mississippi and Utah use another http://www.commonfund.org/ shower, so try not to waste energy worrying index to figure out tuition increases. In 2004- Commonfund/Investor+Services/HEPI.htm?m=h&AA=2 about getting caught. If someone is intrusive 2003-04 2004-05 Increase Percent enough to interrupt you while you are taking a Public/State Resident Resident Range Increase shower, they deserve to see you having sex. Tuition and Fee Tuition and Fee Indicated by between College The Janitor’s closest: These closets should Charges Charges CPI or HEPI3 ‘04-’05 be located at the end of the hallway on each floor of the dormitories. Use this location to University of Alaska, Fairbanks $3,477 3,835 2.1% to 4.6% 10% make up for the fantasy you never got to fulfill back in high school. Arkansas State University $4,810 $5,151 2.1% to 4.6% 7% The Henry Moore Sculpture: You’ll get to Iowa State $5,028 $5,426 2.1% to 4.6% 8% brag about it every time you use your More Card! University of Iowa $4,993 $5,396 2.1% to 4.6% 8% The pool in the gym: Water sex is completely University of Missouri, St. Louis $6,866 $7,378 2.1% to 4.6% 7.5% underrated. Just be sure to use enough lubrica- tion and proper protection. U. of North Carolina/Chapel Hill $4,072 $4,450 2.1% to 4.6% 9% The Graveyard behind the Neuberger Museum: This has been known to be some- Ohio State/Columbus Campus $6,651 $7,542 2.1% to 4.6% 13% what of a popular hookup spot. One can’t be sure if sex and paranormal activity mix well, but Cleveland State University $6,072 $6,792 2.1% to 4.6% 12% it’s definitely worth a try.

THE ONLY AUTHOR TO HAVE A BOOK IN EVERY DEWEY-DECIMAL CATEGORY ✪ DUFUS, KISS/KISS AND MORE 8PM SAT- student picking a totally bullshit major (Media, Reve n g e of t h e Society and the Arts, what the fuck is that any- NYPIRG P u r chase Music Scene ways!?) to be a step closer to the music on campus. Is Working For YOU By Kevin Rankin One thing I often noticed in my two- By Amanda Sisenstein hour commute to the shows here at Purchase Do you know what The Independent is that most of the shows only attract a very is lacking? Music. No, I don’t mean that it Hello, SUNY Purchase. NYPIRG has small amount of people. Even when the talent another full semester planned for Purchase stu- should play you a song when you try to turn and musical originality is immeasurable, peo- dents and we want you to get involved! As I’m the page in the middle of class when your ple have taken this privilege for granted or sure you have noticed, we are kicking off our teacher isn’t look- have been ill ing; I mean arti- voter registration drive. As usual we want as informed of the cles and news kinds of music many students to register for a few reasons I’m about music. Purchase has to sure you have already heard. We know you are S p e c i f i c a l l y , offer. sick of hearing the same old story. Elected offi- Purchase based In this column, I cials do not take student’s issues seriously music. One of would like to help because we do not vote in blocks. This is the the main reasons inform the people reason that we are fighting back tuition hikes I decided to trans- or Purchase of and financial aid cuts. If you haven’t filled out fer here to some of the the voter registration form, this is the year to do Purchase last musical endeav- it. Be proactive, get registered and go out to the year (coming in ors of its students polls on Election Day. (past and pres- as a junior) was This year, there is not all of the hoop- ent). Bands: its own small yet la surrounding the elections that there was last send me your e fficient music November, but that’s not an excuse to not get news and scene. It seems Legendary Purchase alums D u f u s play the Student Center Saturday night. involved in the process. The people that will be every week or upcoming shows. running for Governor and President are paying two I found myself ritually driving from my old People wanting to start or join bands, please attention to exactly who is going out to vote in college (in the pits of hell, Long Island) to the do it! Post ads, submit something to the beautiful brick layered SUNY Purchase. I Backpage… whatever it takes. (In a shame- the general election this year. Constituents that snuck into The Student Center disguised as a less plus, my band VonEsper is currently look- are voting during “slow” election years are Purchase student week after week to watch ing for a super awesome drummer, check out closely watched by elected officials and subse- it’s bands. I was dazzled and drawn in by the my demo at www.vonesper.com). quently, these elected officials will work hard to danceable sounds of The Please Department Saturday, October 1, trek out of your court their vote in years to come. (www.myspace.com/pleasedept), the intimacy dorms and apartments and experience Your lives, what you can and cannot do, of Gregory and the Hawk Purchase alumni Dufus how much you pay for college, whether or not (www.myspace.com/dufus). I don’t know too (www.hawkshot.blogspot.com), and left utterly you can carry around ice cream in your back much about their history, but I can say from speechless when I first discovered the glowing pocket or eat peanuts in church, all of this is seeing them once before, you don’t need to neon heads of The Nuclear Power Pants decided by people elected to represent you. (www.bxxxxzt.com). Each of these bands I bring the acid; they will bring you to that state Like raise your tuition and cut your financial aid. came to watch (among many more) had an with just their music. This is some wacky ass Notice the running theme? Voting is like a free aura all their own incomparable to anything I shit. ticket to complain. When you vote you can write had seen or heard before or since. I was Go out and support your campus addicted. I wanted that Student Center to be music scene.To send me news and live dates letters, and make phone calls and make lobby my Student Center. To cut this down Readers for your band, mail me at vonesper@opton- appointments and especially when you have an Digest style, I soon was a SUNY Purchase line.com. army of student voters standing behind you. Elected officials will be forced to listen to stu- dent concerns if we go out to the polls in a big way. A few years ago we were smacked with a nasty tuition hike. This past year we registered thousands of students to vote and made lots of noise and we won. If every student on this cam- ARIES (MAR.21-APR19) levy a fee. LIBRA (SEP 23-OCT 22) CAPRICORN (DEC 22- These new hammocks are Tune into HBO this Friday JAN 19) If you've got a pus registered and voted our political clout great! Implications of S&M CANCER (JUN 22–JUL night at 9. It's not like fever and the only cure is would increase exponentially. I encourage all of as you're relaxing? It's 22) Good things will come you've got anything else more cowbell… you're out gonna be a good night. your way if you just reach better to do. That's right, of luck because the Health you reading this to fill out the form and go out to out and take them… just I'm calling you a loser. Center don't carry any of the polls on Election Day. This is a great start to TAURUS (APR20-MAY20) don't let the dude see you those. get involved in the political process that directly When drinking heavily, do it. SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV remember to take off your 2 1 ) Health and Safety AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB affects the way you live. shoes. Just don't go wailing LEO (JUL23–AUG 22) inspection is coming up. 18) The Gordan Fisherman If you are interested in getting all over Purchase LJ when Watch ET with someone Have you gotten all your just died this week. And he you can't find them come you care about. Bring shots yet? was an A q u a r i u s . involved and helping register other student vot- sunrise. Kleenex. And a hankie in Coincidence? No. ers please contact me at case you start tearing up. S A G I T TARIUS (NOV 22- a s i s e n s t e i n @ n y p i r g . o r g or call the NYPIRG GEMINI (MAY 21-JUN21) DEC 21) Did you watch the PISCES (FEB 19-MAR 20) My milkshake bringeth all VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP 22) Emmys the other week? Now is the time to panic. A office at 914.251.6986. ye gentlefolk to the yard. Katrina vs. Rita. It's gonna Was Ellen dancing? Yeah? live giant squid has been And they say it is better be a wet one. For nonstop Get your mind out of the discovered off the coast of than thine. Verily, it is better battle, donate some extra gutter. Japan. You're a fish—you than thine. I could teach KY. guys fear squid, don't you? thou, but I would have to

URDAY,10/1 J IF YOU WANT TO DANCE AT STRIPTEASE, GO TO THE GLBTU MEETING THIS THURSDAY 9/29 ✪ CLASSES so it’s not even worth listening to you babble ger to your kinds of folk, and I declare it's prob- Serial Fiction-Part 1 nonsense. Nonetheless, drinking down a faint able you'll die of some disease soon. Between a Mind memory of some bitch can be well refreshing, For myself, my animal instinct is fail- By M. James Panton can’t it sweetie? You did it to me. So, go on and ure. I'm a fucking failure. I'm here to announce speak up, I might listen for five minutes. No. that unflinching remark and receive nothing but The Purchase Independent proudly presents Actually I only have three now, so hurry. a laugh and 'I know how you feel' response. But the first installment of Between a Mind, a seri - It’s just Karlos, with a K and not a C. unlike others, I can be fucking ripped apart and al story. Check back in the coming weeks for I'm the ordinary guy. I'm the one who survived still reconstruct myself into the basic resem- further installments. the train wreck of some failed middle-class, blance of a modest, hard-working, boring suburban life. I just care about what happens man/worker without the extreme flaws that so 6:05 AM. There I was, standing over a today, everything else is a fucking mirage to me many people have. But...that’s not to say I sink, a cigarette smoldering in one hand, a pair now. I portray my life in a monologue, that's adore living in a modest suburban home with a of clippers in the other. I was trimming my hair how it is. white house, a white mailbox and a white pick- again. Every brand of after-shave that I could When I'm standing in front of a mirror, like I am eted fence. I despise all that shit, and I'm glad get my hands on at the local Stop-Mart stood now, and every thought and voice inside me is the kids were in stage one of the fertility pro- up on the bathroom counter, neatly set in a row. vulnerable to its own likings, wants, desires, duction line. No. When I say modest, I mean by Besides it was the new razor, bought after the lusts, and primeval instincts that, unfortunately, only drinking three glasses of liquor, leaving the old one became nasty after a week. The toilet make me a complete ass, I sure question fucks to two a week, and, I mean never, never seat was down, the expensive towels were everything inside. I wonder if I'm okay and not attempting to murder someone, though I do folded properly, and the shower stall was fucking psychotic. think about it often. I don’t want to be another scrubbed as always. All my hair clippings were Karlos, the one who is the known serial killer for the world to bear. That would be in the sink. alcoholic; Karlos, the guy in endless debt; a wonderful lifestyle, indeed. But I hate blood. I opened the toilet seat, threw my cigarette Karlos the murderer; Karlos, the rapist; Karlos, That’s your three minutes; I’m done inside, closed it, turned off the lights and the guy living down the street, unseen except hearing you gossip, Karlos. You’ve had that life, stepped out of the bathroom, scratching my for only at night, but known by the police as a you wanted that and you’re still living it. You groin. The sun had past over the neighbor’s child molester and a frequent partaker in the could never be a murderer sweetie, the sight of house and seeped through the blinds. Yeah, notorious local pornographic business. Karlos, blood just nauseates you. Never think of those today was gonna be wonderful. It was morning yes this Karlos, whose wife is dead and gone. thoughts and stay within the white picketed again; slept in late. I made the bed and even These questions churn in the mind. How does fence where you belong--stay there. But now remade the other side nobody slept in any- a person, who grew up normal in a suburban your time is up and you need to get back to more. There were twenty shirts hanging in my home and then murder five women by the age work, back to your job, which until last week closet, all were button-up white-collar; always a of thirty-five, find the rationality in their actions? was your comfortable place to be. Why do you white shirt and black pants with them or maybe Sure, it was expectable and even required to hate it now? I agree it can be somewhat awful navy if it was spring. I dressed and finished but- kill a man for survival but not in the technologi- but it pays for every luxury we had and still toning the handcuffs. Damn, my hair was cal and sterile world of today. No. It’s for pleas- have. Hold onto my house, my Mercedes, my slumping over my brow and needed to be ure of sport, it’s for the yearning of pain, it’s nice dresses, my jewelry, and I’ll still be waiting combed again. I went back into the bathroom, because of something biological inside the for you here like always. Kiss me goodbye now turned on the light and looked at myself in the head of a person. No. It’s for many fucking rea- and get to work sweetie. Oh, and do not forget mirror. sons. Still, what’s the trigger that makes some- that I have another doctor’s appointment this Well sweetie, so you want to gossip. one Richard Hickock for a day? afternoon; I’m not feeling well again. Just go to You want to grasp my hand over the shadows The same with drinkers: can’t a guy work for a little while longer and then take a of so many expensive candlelight dinners, have one drink and not ten a night until he’s break, just a while longer. purse your lips as if you have something pro- passed out on the floor spewing his guts on I know. I know. found to say, when it’s probably stupid, and some expensive Italian rug. Can’t he just stop? I took a comb from a drawer besides change my tough little mind forever. You want Stop, stop, stop--that’s what all the other sober the sink and pressed my black hair back again, that. Well, you can’t, you won’t, so don’t even people complain about. No. And he’ll just fork applying some hairspray to keep it in place. I try. I’ll just sit in front of you, light up a cigarette, over a million dough to replace that rug like turned off the lights, walked downstairs to the apply some lipstick, cross my legs and suck nothing happened, go to work as a CEO for foyer and said: down more nicotine than I would be thinking of some blue chip company, and he'll come home “Goodbye.” any of your words. But I’ll stay awhile today, my again to empty his entire liquor cabinet into his But no one answered, not anymore, cigarette is still burning and I’m in the mood for soar stomach. except for the birds chirping outside. I started a good laugh. But remember...you got work to For the others, it’s the ten women a the car and backed out of the driveway, pass- do. And after last night, after watching you drink night, never the same, and a fuck every hour. ing the black Mercedes that I had just cleaned down half a bottle of gin, added by some cheap For those who call that love and for those off yesterday but now was plastered in bird shit- wine coolers from your miserable relationships select assholes that even say ‘I love you’ dur- -just one of many chores to do again this over the past week, you’re well into a hangover, ing those close sexual moments, you must be Saturday afternoon. joking; I always promptly extend my middle fin-

CANCELLED 10/4 FOR ROSH HASHANA ✪ SPRING 2006 GRADUATION APPLICATIONS DUE 10/3 ✪ GET YOUR PARKING The Riddler Needs to Try Harder By Patrick Cassels

Dear Batman, Riddle me this, Riddle me that. You'll never find the bomb I've hidden, Unless you go to where books are at. -The Riddler

Dear Batty, I've got your Boy Wonder, Wonder where? Gotham Public Library-- I would check there. -The Riddler

Dear Caped Crusader, Looking to catch me? It won't be too hard. All that you need Is a library card. -Riddler

Dear Bat-Brain, You know I've got the nerve gas, And the nerve to use it already (For more information on nerve gas DRAW! Check out your local library). SEND YOUR COMICS TO -Riddler Bruce, [email protected] AND BECOME Gotham Public Library. You know it. I know PA RT OF OUR BURGEONING COMICS SECTION. it. See you in 10. -Ed

PASSES, OR GET TICKETED STARTING MONEAY 10/1 ✪ “FORMICIOPHILIA“ IS THE FETISH FOR HAVING SMALL INSECTS “Frankie Muniz” from Front Page... sleep-away camp. I mean, hammocks? What the fuck? I could have gone to UCLA with Hillary Duff or NYU with the Olsen twins or Lindsey Lohan… B U T NO FRANKIE! GO TO PURCHASE FRANKIE! BE LIKE WESLEY S N I P E S , FRANKIE! the stage of the Co-Op. A G E : 11 9 BIGGEST TURN-OFF: NAME: The Henry Come dressed as G E N D E R : m a l e m a l e s PI: Hey Frankie… M o o r e Princess Leia MAJOR: G u i t a r WILD FA C T: n e v e r FM: It’s not FRANKIE… it’s FRANCIS… like A G E : 3 2 LOOKING FOR: S o m e kissed an english FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA! God DAMNIT! I G E N D E R : I have two NAME: Brett Zoeckler big titties speaker before HATE the name Frankie! h o l e s A G E : 1 8 INTERESTS: f a l a t i o , C O N TACT INFO: 5 1 6 - PI: So Frankie, who do you want to see at M A J O R : U h . . . GENDER: M anal penetration 6 5 8 - 0 7 6 1 Culture Shock? S c u l p t u r e ? MAJOR: VA, Painting/ BIGGEST TURN-ON: FM: (Long scream, followed by sprint across IN T E R E S T S : M a k i n g D r a w i n g Busting on girls’ f a c e s N A M E : X e n u campus mall) hollow resonant sounds, LOOKING FOR: BIGGEST TURN-OFF: AGE: 6 8 , 0 0 0 , 0 0 0 , 0 0 0 c h i l l i n ’ . Anything that moves Not gettting my salad GENDER: M a l e After our bizarre encounter with Muniz, T U R N - O N S : B e i n g INTERESTS: Nude fig- t o s s e d MAJOR: other worldy it is evident to this reporter that Muniz’ crazy, anti- stroked, layed on. ure drawing, video WILD FA C T:I am fully r e l i g i o n s Purchase attitude and psychotic outbursts are a TURN-OFFS: B e i n g games till 5am, singing shaven, head to toe LOOKING FOR: A sure-fire sign that Muniz has become one of us... moved a mile by ass- m u s i c a l s C O N TACT INFO: 9 1 7 - way out of this force bitter, cynical and hopelessly married to this love- hole presidents. BIGGEST TURN-ON: 9 6 8 - 0 7 6 0 f i e l d ly place. C R A Z I E S T P L A C E When girls take their I N T E R E S T S :s c i e n t o l- Y O U ’ V E E V E R clothes off N A M E : Lester bobcat o g y “Banned Books” from Front Page... H O O K E D UP: P e o p l e BIGGEST TURN-OFF: AGE: 2 1 BIGGEST TURN-ON: Still, every one of these challenges is an attempt have been having sex When gils scream and GENDER: u n d e c i d e d D C . 8 ’s , Tom Cruise on me for years. run away MAJOR: sewage man- BIGGEST TURN-OFF: to hide information from the public, to prevent A I M : 2 L G F o r m s WILD FA C T: I write the a g e m e n t C h r i s t i a n i t y access to books simply because one group, or rap songs for Eminem LOOKING FOR: C r a c k WILD FA C T: One time, even one person, does not feel they are appropri- N A M E : N e b C O N TACT INFO: M o n k e y I dropped a bunch of ate. How can we suppress ideas and viewpoints A G E : 1 8 b r r e t t . z o e c k l e r @ p u r- INTERESTS: s e w a g e frozen people into a vol- from people just because they are unpopular? We GENDER: m a l e chase.edu/ x7307 g u n c a n o can’t expect to raise thoughtful, intelligent children MAJOR: u n d e c i d e d BIGGEST TURN-ON: C O N TACT INFO: n / a if we set an example of censoring anything that LOOKING FOR: A NAME: Katie Shankey s l u d g e might expand their minds. Yes, not every child is woman who can match A K A “ S h a n k s t e r ” BIGGEST TURN-OFF: N A M E : L e a h my fascination with A G E : 1 8 c l e a n l i n e s s A G E :1 8 psychologically prepared to handle certain subject Warcraft- preferably with G E N D E R : f e m a l e WILD FA C T: I chill with GENDER: f e m a l e matters, but it should be up to parents to decide unaturally long legs and M A J O R : u n d e c l a r e d da imperial rats MAJOR: middle east- that, not committees and watch groups that have disproportionately large LOOKING FOR: A C O N TACT INFO: m e e t ern studies never so much as talked to the children they claim e y e s . m a n me in the sewer, baby LOOKING FOR: a nice they are trying to protect. I N T E R E S T S : Wa r c r a f t , INTERESTS: S i n g i n g fine ass Anime, Video games BIGGEST TURN-ON: N A M E : Lazlo Kovack INTERESTS: a n y t h i n g Below is a list of the top ten most challenged BIGGEST TURN-ON: E l m o A G E : 2 0 you want Agirl that’s handy with a BIGGEST TURN-OFF: G E N D E R : M a l e BIGGEST TURN- authors of 2004 and some of their challenged j o y s t i c k Hairy nipples M A J O R : Art History O N :brown eyes and works. If you have a few minutes to spare this BIGGEST TURN-OFF: WILD FA C T: LOOKING FOR: hair week, in between tests and papers and procrasti- R e a l i t y Sometimes I buy salted Female who knows BIGGEST TURN-OFF: nation, take a few minutes to celebrate your intel- WILD FA C T: Went on bagels and scrape off all how to spell my name dirty feet lectual freedom by reading a banned book. a date once . . . went on the salt. I N T E R E S T S : F r i s b e e WILD FA C T: wild in a date. C O N TACT INFO: n / a and Kung fu bed... beethoven 1. Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, author of the Alice C O N TACT INFO: M e e t BIGGEST TURN-ON: C O N TACT INFO: f i n d series me on Halloween on NAME: Jimmy Crizak f e m a l e s m e 2. Robert Cormier, author of The Chocolate War and We All Fall Down 3. Judy Blume, author of Blubber, Forever, and Deenie 4. Toni Morrison, author of The Bluest Eye, Beloved and Song of Solomon 5. Chris Lynch, author of Extreme Elvin and Iceman 6. Barbara Park, author of the Junie P. Jones series 7. Gary Paulsen, author of Nightjohn and The Beet Fields: Memories of a Sixteenth Summer 8. Dav Pilkey, author of The Captain Underpants series 9. Maurice Sendak, author of In the Night Kitchen 10. Sonya Sones, author of What My Mother Doesn’t Know

For more information about challenged books, fighting against literary censorship, and Banned Books Week, check out the ALA’s website at http://www.ala.org/bbooks

CRAWL ON YOUR GENITALS ✪ CONGRATS TO TOM DELAY ON HIS RECENT INDICTION ✪ [email protected] I n d Teh e pP u rec h ans e d e n t

FOR A PEPSI SCHOOL, DISPATCH CORRECTION: Justin: BEEP BEEP BEEP! PEOPLE SURE DO LO V E According to PSGA Prez. Jeff Stein and John I’m Trippin balls man! Delate, the new Dorms will NOT be Triples. C o k e H E R E . The college does not know if there will even Purchase gives me pimp juice be enough students to warrant trippling. ~ Kelly Yo u r h a i r. . . i s l i k e a b r o w n i e ! H O R N Y D R A G Q U E E N S U N I T E ! damn! Theo is Sexy! I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted cause I’ve I H AV E TW O HEADS! rant: why, o fucking why must all the fucking been up all night drinking. See Lilia and her amazing drunk ass people on this campus throw their empty t e c h n i c o l o r ed dream cooch. pabst cans or miller bottles, their red plastic fuck- T h r o u g h t h e w i n d o w s t h e d o o r s a r e a l l b r e a k i n i n ing cups and all the other crap all over the god “Guys only Half of my goosebumps damn place. stop being dirty drunks, next time are working!” “ B e e r - c h i t e c t u r e ” you drink another beer put that shit in the fucking "We don't smile or frown, we trash-its your campus to you fucking fuck fucks “I didn’t come to Purchase to have just salivate from the corners of our mouths." sex with women.” - David Nora y ou r m om i s a s l op p y “At least I’m not a dancer.” GET READY.... m et ap h or “I take offense from that.” 4 “Why? You’re a biology major.” That toga party in the new on tuesday night STRIPTEASE was fucking great. That bitch RA was just The Independant : 2k5 mad she wasn’t let in the door! Ha! Basti on of L it eracy ...Coming soon! A monocle is like a condom for your eye! Thi s sce ne is l ik e R a d io What if the dink-dink basis I donno if I should be D isn ey g o ne wro ng . interested - he just rammed his never happened? tounge down my troat! “Rachel Feel Good” p a r ties are the best. “I LOVE my RA.” Hey, remember when we got I love your guys! “You mean you took E and didn’t share?” drunk and you said something that is only funny to us? Don't you want to read about the ambiva- "I could live on an island made lent and essential bonds created by a Anthony- mother's love, as seen through the eyes of entirely of chicken and tater tots." Next time , why dont you clip your a black girl in Antigua? fucking nails before you shake my “It’s architectarly sound, I hand. Dear Big Spoon, Happy 7 months! I love you so much even though designed it with jenga blocks.” you let me burn to death in the sims. “Thatz too much of a turn - on” Love, What? www.whorangthebell.com Your Little Spoon T o o b a d Connecticut Liquors, you are the best. Hay Chaps, O u r a w e s o m e p a r t y To all you Purchase-ites not in the know, I spit on your poster... forget everywhere else... LAWLZORS, PWND NOO G o t o u r go where the love is. MLM Approved! A s s e s i n t r o u b l e Evan Likes Black Holes. Fine swine, wish he was mine Carol? I need new pants... Pookie, S c o o t e r N i n j a s ! If flashing my vag is wrong I... I You’re so good for me. dont want to be right . Happy Anniversary Do YOU want to be a Lurve, the Girl. ROCKSTAR? oh catch-22, i think you are so cute and tall and vegetari- hey two of my red quilts were removed from Officer would you like a fucking cookie? an, but i don't know what to say to you! the laundryroom on Fri night 9/23. could --hot girl w/glasses you please return them to the laundry room “I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!" or to F203. t h a n k s! Sincerely, The Big Gay Disaster "like a Tsunami in Manilla, it's the Magzilla!"

Barefoot gils named Michelle Nobody jumps albana... don’t look a gift horse are really hot! Watch your back MERCY! in the beer