JAN/FEB 2006 • TEVES/SHEVAT 5766

VOL. XXXIX NO . 1 USA $5.95 (Outside NY area $6.95) Foreign $7.95

SUBSCRIBE TO THE JEWISH OBSERVER! CLICK HERE

CLICK HERE FOR TABLE OF CONTENTS This is the full Table of Contents of the print edition of the Jewish Observer. The web edition contains only a selection of articles (indicated in color). Click on the title to go to the beginning of that article. Navigate using your browser’s menu and other options.

THE JEWISH OBSERVER (ISSN) 0021-6615 is published Kids at Risk – An Overused Phrase? monthly except July & August by the Agudath Israel of America 7 7 Introduction 42 Broadway, New York, NY 10004. Periodicals postage paid in New Dealing with the Problem: An Update York, NY. Subscription $25.00/year; 2 years, $48.00; 3 years, $$69.00. 8 My Son on the Rebound, Mrs. Pasternitzky Outside of the United States (US funds drawn on a US bank 11 Why Are There Still Children at Risk? only) $15.00 surcharge per year. Yosaif Asher Weiss Single copy $$3.50; Outside NY area $3.95; foreign $4.50. 17 A Decade of At-Risk Effort Inspires Hope for the POSTMASTER: Future, Rabbi Shaya Cohen Send address changes to: The Jewish Observer 21 The Pierced Teen in the Lobby, Rabbi Yakov Horowitz 42 Broadway, NY, NY 10004 Tel 212-797-9000, Fax 646-254-1600 23 Insight into the Dropout Phenomenon, a review Printed in the USA article (Off the Derech, by Faranak Margolese), by Rabbi Nisson Wolpin, Editor Avrohom Meir Gluck

Editorial Board Rabbi Joseph Elias, Chairman Of Preventions and Solutions Rabbi Abba Brudny Joseph Friedenson 34 26 “At Least We Should Save Our Children,” based Rabbi Yisroel Meir Kirzner Rabbi Nosson Scherman on an address by Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon, Prof. Aaron Twerski Rabbi Yoseif Reinman Founders 30 “It’s 3:00 PM. (10:00 PM in Yerushalayim). Dr. Ernst L. Bodenheimer Z”L Rabbi Moshe Sherer Z”L Do You Know Where Your Teen-age Son and

Management Board Daughter Are?” Rabbi Aryeh Z. Ginzberg Naftoli Hirsch, Isaac Kirzner, ur hildren reated qual ut ot the ame Rabbi Shlomo Lesin, 34 O C : C E , B N S , David Singer, Nachum Stein Mrs. Leah Steinberg Managing Editor 40 A Generation At-Risk: Are Bnei Torah in the Rabbi Yosef C. Golding Workplace Immune? Debbie Maimon Published by Agudath Israel of America Also: U.S. Trade Distributor Feldheim Publishers 47 Letters From Rabbi Mordechai Gifter l”xz, 208 Airport Executive Park Nanuet, NY 10954 54 Written in His Youth, Dr. Yitzchok Levine British Representative 50 Halachic Decisions, Yehudah Levi M.T. Bibelman Grosvenor Works 54 Encounters with Gedolei Yisroel: Chazon Ish, Mount Pleasant Hill London E5 9NE, ENGLAND The Man and His Vision, Rabbi Shlomo Lorincz, french representative prepared for publication by Yonoson Rosenblum Rabbi Bamberger 21 Boulevard Paixhans 57000 Metz, FRANCE On the Agenda israeli representative 52 The Wink of the Iguana, Rabbi Yisrael Rutman Intnl. Media Placement POB 7195 / 97 Jaffa Road Jerusalem 94340, ISRAEL Book Review belgian representative 60 Saying Goodbye, by Neal C. Goldberg, Ph.D. Mr. E. Apter Lange Kievitstr. 29 and Miriam Lieberman, C.S.W., reviewed by 2018 Antwerp, BELGIUM Mrs. Judy Kaiser south african representative THE JEWISH OBSERVER does not assume Mr. V. Taback responsibility for the Kashrus of any product, PO Box 51552, 61 Letters to the Editor Raedene, Johannesburg publication, or service advertised in its pages 2124 SOUTH AFRICA ndex of ubjects and uthors © Copyright 2006 64 I S A , australian representative Dr. A. Dinnen Volume XXXVIII, Nos. 1-10 77 Birriga Road January/February 2006 / VOLUME XXXIX Bellevue Hill, NSW 2023, AUSTRALIA NO. 1

SUBSCRIBE TO THE JEWISH OBSERVER! CLICK HERE. The Jewish Observer

Kids at Risk – An Overused Phrase?

Introduction

When The Jewish Observer devoted of the new awareness and interest, to the topic once more. Some readers an entire issue to the theme “Children on Agudath Israel of America expanded might well respond: “Kids at Risk… the Fringe… And Beyond” in November Project Y.E.S., which is dedicated to deal- Again?” No, not “again.”… Still. It does 1999, it achieved an unprecedented ing with Children-at-Risk, and arranging not go away that quickly. circulation (over 20,000 additional cop- for mentoring for those who can ben- In preparing to return to the subject, ies were printed and sold), followed efit from it (… and there are many). In we found it worthy of a rarely employed by another issue featuring a Readers’ addition, we are gratified that there has “Special Double Issue,” wherein we will Forum as well as additional articles on been much broader recognition of the offer insights on the progress being the subject in March 2000. problem, with sensitivities raised and made – as experienced and reported The extraordinary reaction was both initiatives taken by many others. by people on the frontlines – as well as encouraging – people care! – and As part of this new awareness, a series proposals for prevention and solution. intimidating – is the problem that of forums dedicated to the topic was We hope that the attention The widespread? While we do not offer a held at the recent National Convention Jewish Observer – and its loyal reader- scientific survey of the situation, we can of Agudath Israel of America, which ship – give to this topic will continue safely surmise that people have become actually inspired much of the discussion to increase the sense of urgency of the keenly aware and deeply concerned, in this issue. problems we face, while curtailing their which was our goal. Indeed, in the wake Thus, now, six years later, we return continued spread. N.W.

 JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

I. Dealing with the Problem: An Update

Rochel Pasternitzky

My Son on the Rebound “Kids-at-Risk” or “Kids-in-Pain”?

A Process That Could back backfired. Tough love didn’t work. I Cried For Both of Us Take Five Years Neither did begging, manipulation, consequences or coercion. None of y crumbling life began to ears ago, I cried to anyone who these brought the slightest change in change when The Jewish seemed to be in a position to attitude, behavior or attire. Nothing MObserver “Kids at Risk” issue Yhelp. No rabbi, professional, or worked – he drifted further and further arrived in November 1999. Countless friend could fathom the depths of my away until he was completely “off the times, I read and reread the poignant pain or comprehend the desperation derech,” hardly recognizable as the son opening article, “Thoughts of a Mother,” of my daily existence. Well-meaning we had reared. and each time, I cried, for both of us. friends covertly questioned my parent- I was just an ordinary mother… Had she read my mind? Her expressions ing skills. I couldn’t comprehend how with an extraordinary amount of pain of pain and despair, hopes and dreams this had occurred! Our children were searing through my heart, unlike any I were mine, as well. Her tefillos were my protected from the outside world in a had ever known. Isolated and alone, I tefillos. We shared the same incompre- safely-sealed home environment. I had couldn’t imagine ever laughing again. hensible challenges of motherhood. always tried to be a good mother and “Hashem” I cried, “What went wrong? How I longed to sit and talk (and cry!) to do all the right things. What do I do now? Please help me, and with her. My son – beloved and bright, please, please return to me my precious Then it hit me. If she and I shared charming and charismatic – showed son!” The hopelessness and helplessness common feelings, thoughts and experi- early signs of teenage rebellion. Soon, were overwhelming. ences regarding our children, then surely yeshiva was exchanged for pool halls as It’s a process, we were told; it could (unfortunately), hundreds more moth- religious observance steadily declined. take five years. (Five years? Each pain- ers could likewise relate. I dreamed of He chose a different derech – the low filled day felt like an eternity!) We uniting desperate, frum mothers of off road – from the one intended. All were encouraged to implement the 4 the derech kids around the world. The attempts to “fix” him, and bring him C’s – Compassion, Communication, dream became my passion and a very “Rochel Pasternitzky,” MSW, has been coun- Connecting, and giving up Controlling. realistic, yet formidable, challenge. How seling parents of “at-risk” teens for several Most importantly – unconditional love to begin? years. She is the founder of chizukandcoach- – to love him……no matter what! And An email support group seemed [email protected] and can be reached to always keep the front door open. to be the obvious answer, though a through the JO office. We did. few, not-so-minor obstacles presented

 The Jewish Observer

themselves. First of all, I was techni- shared with Rabbi Wolpin were included They demonstrated their care by “being cally challenged. I considered it a major in the follow-up “Readers Respond” there” – listening to him with respect triumph each time I successfully logged March 2000 issue (pages 6 and 29). and understanding and supporting him on to a computer. Furthermore, though Last week, I called Rabbi Wolpin with kindness and genuine love. They I knew email list-servers (mailing lists) again with an update. “Dovie’s” mother bonded on a neshama level and never existed, I was clueless about beginning recently burst into tears of joy and tried to change him. They appreciated and coordinating one. Yet, filled with inspiring support from mechanchim, colleagues and friends, I proceeded. The email list I founded – born in personal pain and inspired by The Jewish Observer article – became a safe I am now aware that the difficult haven for frum parents around the world challenges and nisyonos that Hashem to receive and give chizuk, care and gave to me were His special gift, forcing compassion. It serves as an empathetic lifeline for parents struggling with dif- me to grow and develop in ways I never ficult teens. Its members evolved into a would have dreamed possible. mutually supportive and united “cyber- family” – sharing sorrows and simchos. Most importantly, within the framework of a positive Torah hashkafa, we gained effective parenting skills while growing disbelief when he was called up to the his specialness. His growth is a source from our shared nisyonos. Torah on the Shabbos of his aufruf (pre- of great joy and inspiration to all who So far, we have dealt with over 300 ceding his wedding). Then, overcome know him. heads of family. with emotion once again, she cried the I am now aware that the difficult I’m a simple, ordinary person. Yet, whole way to the chupa. No sane person challenges and nisyonos that Hashem I found that, through the pain of life would have believed six years ago that gave to me were His special gift, forc- and the help of Hashem, one can grow “Dovie” would be learning today in ing me to grow and develop in ways I and accomplish. Subsequently, what kollel in Eretz Yisroel. After reading the never would have dreamed possible. began as informal parent counseling first “at risk” JO issue, “Dovie’s” parents Hatzlacha with children, according to – an outgrowth of the email group focused their attention on loving and the Chofetz Chaim, is one hundred per- – inspired another dream (recently accepting their son unconditionally cent siyata diShmaya. Yet, our hishtadlus realized) – to achieve professional status (even with an untucked shirt at Kiddush, as parents is to do everything we can as an MSW. which had triggered the regretful explo- (including daven!) – leaving no stone Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave each and sion described on p. 29 in the March unturned – because after 120 years, every one of us ordinary people amazing 2000 JO issue). we’ll be asked, “Were you the best par- hidden kochos (strengths) for extraordi- My son, B”H, is also traveling the ent that you could have been, and were nary accomplishments. Our hishtadlus high road – as a ben Torah, focused you the best person that you could have is to pursue the passions that drive our upon growing in avodas Hashem and been?” Behind all the hishtadlus was the dreams, thereby fulfilling the inner ruchniyus. I am in awe of his commit- understanding that Hashem rewards potential given to us by the Ribbono ment and devotion to the teenage boys effort, not outcome. shel Olam. he mentors. “I’m only giving back what I received,” he tells me. What did he receive? What factors “Would You Jump Update on “Dovie” precipitated such incredible growth in on the Bed?” yiras Shamayim, Torah and mitzvos? ix years ago, I called Rabbi Wolpin Siyata diShmaya for sure. And many key component of my growth to share the positive impact the long-term, meaningful relationships was the realization that the only SNovember ’99 issue had on me and – individuals who reached out and Athing I could change (and con- other families in my community, and stayed connected with him throughout trol!) was my own behavior. This was to relate the saga of my own struggling his teenage nisayon. People who did so my tikkun. I saw a fragile and unhappy 16 year-old-son and his non-observant much –how can I possibly express my child in pain – emotional pain embed- friend “Dovie.” (The JO staff graciously gratitude and gratefulness? – yet tell ded in his neshama. “Children in pain” sent me copies to distribute.) Much me it was nothing; they are the ones (as opposed to “children at risk”) can be to my surprise, excerpts of incidents I who gained from knowing my son! compared to a teenager lying in bed with

 JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

two broken legs. Using this metaphor, blame, control, lectures, criticism and port was missing the day before his I’ve asked parents, “Would you jump judgments (things that actually harm flight back home from Israel. At great on the bed? Or demand he get up and relationships, causing additional pain) expense to us, he was able to procure walk out the door?” Obviously, no par- with love, listening, respect, and accep- another passport, with our support. ent would consider inflicting even more tance. By giving up “direct control,” I There was no blame, criticism or guilt pain on their child or demanding the gained “indirect control” through the trip throughout the process. We were so impossible – a simple walk to the door – strength of our improved relationship. happy to see him (and the new passport under these circumstances. An “at risk,” No matter what he wore or did, he picture). Months later, I asked him, “Do “off the derech” child in pain deserves experienced unconditional love. My you know what it means each time I equal understanding and compassion. mantra became: “I see only the sparkle say, ‘I love you….no matter what?’” My nisayon was to work on strengthen- in your eye and the smile on your face. Noticing the quizzical look on his face, ing our relationship, the importance of I love you.….. no matter what.” And I I answered, “The passport…. Remember which superceded everything. I replaced meant it. the passport? That’s no matter what!” Others have asked, what exactly is unconditional love, and what do you mean by “no matter what”? Focus: Beyond the During those turbulent nocturnal External years, my son often returned home at daybreak. Feelings of fear for his well- oday, I continue to focus beyond being, as well as anger at his behavior, the external – to his neshama. enveloped me each time I passed his TBeyond his hat, payos, and empty bed. When he finally (BH!) bekeshe – the ultimate derech he has walked through the door, my gut, hys- chosen. I still focus upon his sparkling terical, motherly reaction would have eyes and smile… the radiant smile… been to scream and blame. (One can of a chassan! imagine the typical speech, “Where Guided by siyata diShmaya and have you been……!!!”) Instead, he was hishtadlus – planting the seeds of respect calmly greeted with a smile, “Hi, so glad and acceptance – it all began with an you’re home,” and offered something article in The Jewish Observer. to eat. No questions, no yelling. “No Hazorim bedima. Tears of joy flow. jumping on the bed!” I reminded myself Berina yiktzoru. As we reap a harvest over and over, with the flashing picture of nachas. in my mind of my son, a pained, suf- I hope you will join in our simcha. fering child. Thank you, The Jewish Observer. Another time, he noticed his pass- “Rochel Pasternitzky” d

I coach people to help them realize their Can a Life-Coach own dreams and ambitions. I help them help you realize plan, program, and stay motivated. WHY COACHING? Improving one’s your dreams? life means making change; and people need support and structure to keep distractions and obstacles from swamping their dreams and goals. Moreover, people rarely see their own capabilities in full measure. A coach is a per- son who by temperament, experience, and training is dedicated to help you grow and achieve your own dreams. A coach never loses confidence in his client’s ability! I have over thirty years experience in helping people fulfill their dreams, have authored books, articles and produced cassette programs on this subject. In 2-3 months, using weekly private phone sessions, you can learn how to effectively take control of your life. FREE OFFER — I would be happy to give you a free telephone conference. Please call USA 845-352-1175 for an appointment. Thank you. — MR. AVI SHULMAN Live a Life of Design, Not Default

10 The Jewish Observer

Yosaif Asher Weiss Why Are There Still Children At Risk?

I. Some Pertinent have not gone away – if anything, they for this convention was a formidable Questions are increasing. There is still no shortage one: To examine the first ten years of a of children at risk, and the direction in child’s life, and to determine where we he subject of children at risk in which modern society is evolving does are failing; to provide our children with the Jewish community has been not bode well for our ability to protect the foundation they need to be success- Ta hot-button topic for almost a our disaffected youth from the worst ful and connected. decade. Meetings have been held, articles that the world has to offer. While we Before proceeding, a few words of have been written, suggestions have have enjoyed some success in helping caution may be prudent. Every mecha- been made, and institutions have been children come back from the brink of neich (educator) and professional who formed. A great deal of truly wonder- disaster, it is time for us to take a hard works with children at risk has an ful work has been done by dedicated look at ourselves and answer the ques- opinion as to why children are falling and well-meaning people. Many young tions that should haunt us. Why are so through the cracks, and very few of them people have been rescued from dire situ- many of our children becoming “chil- are wrong. Children are individuals, ations that threatened their spiritual and dren at risk”? What are the faults in our after all, and no two are the same. Thus, physical futures, and many have gone on system of chinuch that are allowing so every story will be different. However, to become happy, well-adjusted adults. many of our precious neshamos to fall it is critical that we attempt to find There is reason to be encouraged by the through the cracks? patterns which point to systemic short- successes of the past ten years. These questions formed the basis comings that can be addressed, so that Yet, the problems confronting us for five sessions that were held at the we can, at the very least, decrease the Rabbi Weiss is the Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva National Convention of Agudath Israel numbers of problem that arise. With this Ohr HaDaas of Staten Island, a yeshiva estab- of America last November. Agudath in mind, I propose a general statement lished to train exceptional scholars to Israel’s Project Y.E.S., under the intrepid that applies to most children at risk: We become beki’im in Shas and Poskim. He is also a senior editor of the Schottenstein Talmud, leadership of Rabbi Yakov Horowitz are losing the battle of communication and has been involved in dealing with chil- and Rabbi Avrohom Meir Gluck, has with these children. dren at risk for many years. He can be reached long been at the forefront of the battle Rambam’s statement in Hilchos Dei’os at [email protected]. to save youth at risk, and their agenda (6:1) is axiomatic: “It is the nature of

11 JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

man that his thoughts and actions are noted that no single factor is as impor- to have taken over our lives. (Seriously, influenced by his friends and acquain- tant to a child’s development as the between chasunos and Sheva Berachos, tances, and he will act in the manner influence of his or her parents. A young Bar and Bas Mitzvas, lechayims, vorts, of his countrymen.’’ This is true of all child has no frame of reference to Pidyon Habens, shul and yeshiva din- mankind, but especially of children, who catalog parental behavior as aberrant ners, melave malkas, PTAs and shid- do not yet possess years of their own or stress-related. Thus, everything that duch meetings and Tehillim groups life experiences against which to weigh is witnessed becomes the child’s idea and chessed meetings, all of which we that which they see and hear. Thus, a of what is normal. If parents are always must attend, is it any wonder that we child will base his ideas of what is right bickering, and refuse to listen to each have children at risk? They are raising and what is wrong, what is good and other, the child soon learns to do the themselves!) And if a child feels that what is bad, what is proper and what same. And it goes without saying that there is nobody listening, this critical is improper, on what he sees and hears where there is no shalom bayis, the house avenue is lost – often forever. as he develops. is usually not conducive to fostering b. Strive to be what you want your And what do our precious children the warm environment of caring and children to become. Although the pre- see and hear? The answer varies widely chessed that is one of the hallmarks of vailing attitude of modern society’s from child to child and from family to a Jewish home. preachers is “Do as I say, not as I do,” family. However, one thing is clear: A It has been noted that children come this approach does not work – and why typical child at risk has been receiving without manuals and without warran- should it? A child will almost always “messages” we would rather he or she ties. It is part of the responsibility of think that whatever his parents do is had never received, and the many posi- every parent, however, to know and correct, and that is how he or she will tive messages that every child should understand the effect that their actions act. I shudder every time I remember receive never reached their intended have upon the development of their the words of a young man who had been recipient (or were ignored, due to children. To this end, it is recommended caught stealing, who was brought to me ingrained negative influence). When the that prospective parents (or parents that to be disciplined. When I asked him how bad messages overwhelm the good ones, perceive their possible shortcomings in he thought his father would react to his the child is in danger. It is our task to this area) attend classes or consult with misdeed, he laughed scornfully at me. make sure that this does not happen. experts to refine their ability to provide “My father? He brags at the Shabbos Where does a child receive these their children with proper chinuch. table about how he tricks the IRS every messages? Essentially, from three places: Although a thorough discussion of year so that he doesn’t have to pay any The child’s home, his or her school, and the matter is beyond the scope of this taxes. He’ll probably be proud of me!’’ outside influences, such as the homes of article, some of the main points that a [Of course, the father was outraged at friends, or secular media. Thus, children parent should always keep in mind can his son’s thievery, and disciplined him at risk have often been overloaded with be mentioned here: severely, taking no blame at all for cre- negative messages from one or more of a. Listen, listen, listen… Over and ating the attitude that helped cause the these locations, and were not provided over again throughout the conven- problem in the first place.] with sufficient positive messages to tion, this critical point was made (was My father-in-law, Rabbi Reuven counteract this corrosive influence. anybody listening?). A child is guileless Feinstein a”jyls, often tells the story With this in mind, the sessions at the – he or she will tell you when there is a of a father who came to him complain- convention examined each of the three problem, or when something is causing ing that he was unable to convince his locations mentioned – home, school, pain. Many times, listening intently will teenage son to learn. “Do you spend and outside influences – to determine alert a parent to a situation before it time learning?” he was asked. When what efforts must be made in each arena becomes a serious difficulty. Whether he answered in the negative, he was to improve our communication with there is trouble at school, or a prob- told: “Your son doesn’t want to learn our youth and to ensure that we are lem with a friend, a caring parent can because he sees that you don’t consider providing them with the background often provide a solution. Rabbi Shmuel it important enough to do yourself. But they need to develop properly. Kamenetsky, a”jyls, Rosh Hayeshiva of he will probably want his son to learn, the Philadelphia Yeshiva, noted at the just like you do!’’ Friday night session of the convention On the other hand, parents that II. The Science of that a child needs to always know that make a point of doing the right thing Parenting his parents are always ready to listen to for their children to see, will reap the him. But, sadly, we are often too busy rewards of doing so. This commitment highlight of the convention’s to listen to our children. Sometimes it to practice what we preach is not limited opening session was the address is due to the crush of parnassa – other to Torah study and mitzvah observance Agiven by Rabbi Noach Orlowek, times it is the result of the constant – it should be extended to the respect Mashgiach of Yeshiva Torah Ore, who stream of simchos and mitzvos that seem we show to authority figures as well.

12 The Jewish Observer

If our children hear us denigrating from their homes, and assume that they their children did not have. It must be our rabbanim and manhigim (or their have solved their problem. However, this emphasized that a stance of inflexibility own teachers and principals), what can is often not the case. Even if you do not and rigidity is not usually the correct we expect of them? The all-too-com- allow any of these things into your own one to assume when dealing with mat- mon practice of loudly complaining home, is that true of all the places that ters of this nature (and, truth be told, whenever we disagree with a decision your child frequents? Do all of his or schools are often guilty of this attitude or takana of our leaders often pays a her friends’ parents have the same val- as well as parents). bitter dividend – for when there is a ues that you have? Parents who restrict This problem is exacerbated by the problem with a child, he or she will their children excessively often find, to fact that many children are far more likely not listen to the rav who might their dismay, that they have created a technologically savvy than their parents. be able to help. On the other hand, the situation where their child gravitates This is especially problematic in a home child who is taught, early and often, to friends whose parents are not quite that has a computer. If the parents are about emunas chachamim, will always as strict, friends that they would rather not computer literate and the child is, have the anchor of daas Torah to cling to in stormy weather. Another lesson that parents can During the past four years, families that make sure to teach by example is the made weddings conforming to the Simcha correct way to treat others – in short, derech eretz. Even if teachers and moros Guidelines, saved many thousands of work hard at imparting proper middos dollars in unnecessary expenses. to children, their efforts can easily be The Guidelines reduce stress and anxiety, undone if the children see a different picture at home. As the Gemara states and enable baalei simcha to enjoy the spirit in Sukka (56b), the speech of a child of the wedding, rather than being focused in the market reflects the speech of his on the excess trimmings parents. When parents act toward oth- ers as frum Jews should, their children benefit most of all. c. Monitor your child’s media intake diligently. This critical point has been the subject of many articles and speech- es, yet, incredibly, it has not penetrated into many parents’ minds. Do you have any idea what your precious children are reading, hearing, and watching? This problem is not confined to the Internet (although the Internet is obviously the most dangerous component). Ideas, values and pictures that are anathema to Torah ideals are readily available to anyone, contained in secular media of all types – radio, television, newspa- pers, magazines, and books. Even the children’s comics in secular newspapers regularly contain items that are unsuit- able for reading. Negative messages of permissiveness, as well as roots of nega- tive middos such as jealousy, greed, and dishonesty, often permeate the secular media. Many parents turn a blind eye to these facts, blithely believing that this barrage of garbage will not affect their children. Then, if a tragedy occurs, they say, “What did we do wrong?” Other parents ban all such items

13 JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

he or she can access the worst kinds of Gemara, causes the great majority of it. Although we are often reluctant filth and leave no traces behind. This is them to fail. Even children who seem (and understandably so) to intro- true even if the computer is not hooked to be reading well in first or second duce new methods of teaching up to the Internet (as long as a modem grade may not progress as they should, Torah, this certainly does not apply and a phone line can be obtained). All and will be unable to cope as they pro- when aids are available to help those too often, parents who have no idea ceed through grade school. This is not who otherwise are unable to learn what the Internet is or how it works only true of children who have reading properly. While it is true that many have been stunned to discover that or learning disabilities. Sometimes a schools simply do not have the their sweet, innocent children have student is too shy to ask for help, or budgets to supply even more basic been leading double lives – often only is just lost in a class that is too large, needs for their students (or proper after the child is so addicted that there with a teacher who is overwhelmed salaries for their rebbe’im and teach- is little to do. and underappreciated. These children ers), not providing such aids for Without taking a position regarding do not all fail dramatically; they fail students that are unable to learn what should and what should not be gradually, sinking slowly under the without them is simply penny-wise allowed into a Jewish home (a mul- crushing weight of their impossible and pound-foolish. Every dollar tifaceted, complex issue that deserves responsibilities, growing more insecure spent now will save hundreds, if not an article of its own), it is clear that and bitter with each passing year. They thousands, of dollars in the future there is no substitute for vigilance on are prime candidates for becoming – and the child you save may be the part of every parent. If you allow children at risk, for our much-vaunted your own. secular media of any type into your curricula, with such emphasis on cover- • A third point is that we must be home, your children must be protected ing ground in Chumash, Tanach (for the sure that our schools spend time on from it in the same way that you guard girls), Mishnayos and Gemara, simply instructing the children in the fun- your toddler from poisonous cleansers. provides them with year after year of damentals of what it means to be a If the child injures himself or herself, never-ending torture. frum Jew, and not only through the you are responsible. And if you choose • To combat this very real problem, study of textual material. Covering to keep these things out of your home, several solutions have been pro- ground and finishing texts should you must still make sure that your child posed. Simplest and most important not be allowed to dominate our is not seeking them out somewhere is the establishment of a standard children’s study schedules to the else. In either instance, though, the kriah test to be administered to extent that there is no time to most important thing you can do is to every single student at an early teach them proper hashkafa. Rabbi explain to your child why such media are age, to identify immediately those Shmuel Kamenetsky suggested that harmful. A child that understands why students who are having difficulty. the next Torah U’Mesorah conven- something is wrong is well-equipped to It is imperative to test every student, tion should address the feasibility avoid it when confronted with a chal- so that no stigma is attached to of introducing a curriculum based lenge. One that simply knows that “my the test. (It is heartbreaking, but on the Yud Gimmel Ikarim. (In fact, parents don’t have it at home” will not absolutely true, that many parents we were informed at the convention necessarily see the problem with enjoy- would choose to subject a child to that such a curriculum is currently ing it at a friend’s house. years of failure in school rather under development in California.) than test them for learning disabili- Such study can be absorbed even by ties, due to the fear of “stigma.”) children that find it difficult to read, III. Problems at School Rabbi Horowitz noted that the cost and it can provide them with the of treating one child at risk who positive messages that all children he second session of the conven- requires drug rehabilitation therapy need so desperately. tion dealt with problems that often runs as high as $80, 000 per [In this connection, it should be Tarise in school. Rabbi Yakov year – a sum that would pay for mentioned that Dayan Dovid Dunner Horowitz passionately presented a sim- the kriah test for sixteen hundred a”jyls, who spoke at the convention’s ple but shocking truth; too many of our students! keynote session on Motza’ei Shabbos, children are not able to read Hebrew • Another important step that can talked about the use of the Shabbos properly, and it is simply impossible be taken is the introduction of table as a vehicle for providing essential for them to succeed in our intense and available teaching aids (such as Jewish values to our children. He advo- competitive school system. Although audiovisual equipment, slide pro- cated preparing for the seudas Shabbos some of them do get by through memo- jection machines, or Gemaras with as one would for an important business rization, this is only a temporary fix, nekudos printed into them) to all meeting, with notes in hand to ensure for the increased workload of middle of our schools, to enable those that the agenda is accomplished.] school, especially for boys who learn that do need extra help to receive The subject of how to help your

14 The Jewish Observer child succeed in school is too vast to The best approach to this vexing Free sample of be covered here, but one additional problem is the simplest; do not provide point must be made. All parents must your child with a cell phone except our New Book realize that choosing the proper school when and if it is needed. And if your for each of their children is one of the child must have a cell phone, let him “77 Mitzvos most important and far-reaching deci- or her know that you will be checking sions they will ever make with respect to the bill every so often to see who they for Today” that child. Ask yourself: Is this the school are talking to – and do it. [It should which can be used in that I can partner with to maximize be obvious that phones with features dealing with at-risk people. the abilities of this child? What is right such as wireless connections and fancy for one child may be totally wrong for cameras are never necessary, and should another. Proximity, carpool availability, not be possessed by any child.] tuition breaks, or the fact that all the Cell phones aside, there is still the prob- YeshivaBox 82 Fund “right” kids are enrolled may all be valid lem of how to monitor your child when he Staten Island, N.Y. 10309 and even important considerations. But is with his friends. One way is to take the they should never be the critical factors in determining where a child should be educated.

IV. Protecting Our Children WEDDINGS & he most difficult part of a parent’s BAR MITZVAHS job is protecting his children For from improper influences to Since 1966 T the finest which they are exposed outside the home, away from watchful eyes. No in 623 Cortelyou Road matter how vigilant we are, our chil- photography (Off Ocean Parkway) dren have social lives, and inevitably interact with others whose standards and video Brooklyn NY 11218 may not measure up to ours. It is our USA / ISRAEL responsibility to limit the potentially dangerous “chinuch’’ that can result (718) 941-5500 from such interaction. This daunting task, never easy at the best of times, has been immeasurably compounded by man’s new best friend – the cell phone. Friends of all types are now available at all hours and in all places, without any parental oversight In this book, Rabbi Shimon Schwab undertakes the needed – just use your speed dial! Need Book of Iyov/Job: the classic text that asks, “Howpresents to arrange a rendezvous, or a convenient can evil people prosper while good people suffer?” excuse for a planned absence? Help is It deals with the most difficult questions and the deep, seemingly inscrutable answers. just a text message away! Although in Rav Schwab's lectures were adapted by his eldest our security-conscious world, many son, Moshe Schwab. The lectures are presented with parents feel more secure when their the clarity and insight that made Rav Schwab on children are always in touch, they need Prayer a modern classic. Rav Schwab navigates the to realize exactly who their children reader through the difficulties of Iyov, leaving us with deeper understanding and preparing us to be better are actually in touch with. In a telling able to deal with the challenges of life. survey of teenagers at risk who “came Includes the complete Hebrew text of the Book back,” the problem that they identified of Iyov/Job and a translation by Rav Schwab. NEW! as the most serious was that of “bad” ArtScroll books are available at your local Hebrew bookseller, or direct from publisher: friends, always tempting them with 718-921-9000 • FAX: 718-680-1875 • OUT OF NYS: 1-800-MESORAH • TO ORDER ONLINE: www.artscroll.com forbidden fruit.

15 JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

time to get to know your children’s class- to find them the “best” shidduchim. safety net that can catch young men who mates and their parents. If you know that Children are pressured to be the best did not fare well in yeshiva – a group the family of a classmate has different rules in their class, yeshivos are pressured that is often in danger of becoming than you do about certain issues (such to each be the one teaching the most, disaffected. as what media is considered permissible and so on. When, they asked, will the for viewing), speak with your child about cycle end? what they may and may not do outside When Rabbi Shmuel Kamenetsky VI. Planning For the the home. If your child is too young, or was asked how to deal with the pressures Future embarrassed, it is your responsibility to that descend upon girls in elementary speak to the parents. school because of the school’s drive to he closing session of the forum This potentially difficult situation get them into the “best” high schools, was chaired by Rabbi Hal can be avoided if you can succeed in which, in turn, push their students TKlestzick, principal of Rudlin making your home a place where your relentlessly to help them gain entrance Torah Academy in Richmond, Virginia, children’s friends enjoy congregating, or into the “best” seminaries in Eretz who spoke of the importance of provid- if you make the time to volunteer to take Yisroel, he replied, “So don’t send them ing strong role models for our children. the kids every so often to a place that to seminary!” After the collective gasp He noted that in this day and age, where you find satisfactory. A wonderful idea from the audience, he added, “There parents so often tend to “go with the is to establish a rotation of like-minded are fine seminaries in America, too!” In flow,” it is more vital than ever that we parents, who take turns chaperoning the my mind, this exchange shed light on provide a clear picture of what our lives children on weekends (or whenever) to the root of the problem – we create all must stand for. destinations where all are comfortable. of these pressures ourselves. When the The remainder of the session was This takes time and effort (especially for greater public realizes that each one of spent in creating an agenda for further those with larger families), but the divi- our children is a unique and precious action. The track’s attendees voted on a dends will be worth the investment. person with something special to offer, it number of initiatives. The majority felt It also must be stressed that there is will no longer be necessary for everyone that efforts should be concentrated in no substitute for teaching a child what to “keep up with the Cohens.” three areas: 1) The establishment of a is right and what is wrong. If a child Another facet of this pressure relates clearinghouse “311”-style phone number is legislated to without explanation, specifically to boys who are unsuc- for parents, to inform them of all services he cannot apply the lessons learned to cessful in a yeshiva environment. Is it that are available to them if they are hav- other situations. Thus, while he may be necessary, asked one parent plaintively, ing difficulties with their children. [This forbidden to do something at home, he for such boys to always be regarded as system is, in fact, being established as will not know that it is prohibited even second-class citizens? Can they not be of this writing – anyone with ideas or at his friend’s house, where the parents contributing members of our society? suggestions as to what they would like are comfortable with it. If, however, he While it must be emphasized that to see included in such a listing should is taught about the dangers of negative we as a community indeed prize our send an email with any comments to influences, he will realize that they must young yeshiva scholars as our treasures [email protected].] 2) The establishment of be avoided in every circumstance. (indeed, one young married business- an approved, comprehensive premarital man related that even as he supported and/or pre-childbearing syllabus of train- his brother in kollel, he felt like a free- ing that will prove so desirable that par- V. Oy, The Pressure… loader who was taking advantage by ents, rebbe’im and rabbanim will widely sharing in the merit of his brother’s recommend them in any community that he participants at all of the ses- learning without working for it!), there will host them; and 3) The promotion of sions were interested, informed, is no question that alternatives for those “No Jewish Child Left Behind in Kriah” Tand determined to come away who cannot and will not succeed in the – by providing standardized testing for with solutions. They asked many wide- yeshiva environment must be explored kriah in every school in America. ranging questions – too many to discuss and encouraged. The Motza’ei Shabbos These initiatives will require the sup- here. It is noteworthy, however, that a session visited this issue by discussing port of the greater community, both common thread emerged from many of the pioneering work of Rabbi Benzion financially (though their cost is relatively the questions – the sense of unrelenting Shafier and Mr. Ezra Beyman of the minor) and conceptually. But the ben- pressure that faces parents and children Learner Earner program, who provide efits that can be reaped are incalculable; alike. Parents feel pressure to get their such young men with the opportunity for we must do all that we can to finally children into the “best” school, to send to learn at their level while developing lay to rest the specter of the children that their young ladies to the “best” seminar- marketable skills that will enable them we continue to lose. And – it cannot be ies in Eretz Yisroel and their young men to support themselves. Such initiatives stated too many times – the child you to the “best” yeshivos, and, of course, must be encouraged, as they provide a save may be your own. d

16 JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

II. Of Preventions and Solutions

Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon t’’yhka Based on a public address by the Mashgiach of Bais Medrash Govoha to a gathering of parents of students in Torah schools in Lakewood, NJ. Adapted for publication by Rabbi Yaakov Yosef Reinman

Why the Satan Danced who destroyed the Beis Hamikdash, is rible choices. Satan has pulled us into still dancing among us. the dance perhaps as never before in s I look out over this large and What do they mean with these words? our history. He has grabbed hold of us crowded hall, with the knowl- They should have said that Satan is still – yes, even of some of our best and most Aedge that there are at least twice present amongst us, that he is still outstanding people – and he is spinning as many more listening over speakers enticing us to do aveiros, that he is still us around and around, faster and faster. right outside the doors, my heart fills subverting us. But dancing? Why do they The danger is overwhelming. The ques- with pride for this holy community. describe him as dancing? What does tions cry out to us in desperation. What “Kesser yitnu Lecha malachim hamonei dancing have to do with anything? What are we going to do? What choices will we ma’ala im amcha Yisroel kevutzei matta. is the significance of Satan’s dance? make? Will we allow Satan to draw us The angels, the hosts of the upper world, Rabbi Eliezer Gordon l”xz, the Telshe so far into his dance that we will never along with Your nation Yisroel assem- Rosh Yeshiva, explains that the answer again be able to break away from him? bled below, are presenting You with a lies in the cadence and rhythm of a Or will we rip ourselves away from his crown.” That is what we are doing here dance. It starts slowly and softly to the grip and save our holy neshamos from today. We have come together – in our introductory strains of the music. Then contamination and destruction? thousands! – to present the Almighty the tempo of the music increases, and I venture to add that if we do man- with a crown. We have come together the dance gathers force. Soon the danc- age to rip ourselves away from Satan here today to look for ways and means ers are cavorting about the floor. The while he is at the height of his frenzied to preserve the holiness and purity of music goes faster and faster, and even dance, if he suddenly finds himself in a our homes. Above all, we have come faster, until the dancers go wild. That dizzying spin all by himself, he may lose together to protect our children from is the process by which Satan draws us his balance, so to speak, and collapse the appalling influences that threaten into his web. He starts off so slowly that onto the ground. Then we may be rid to raise barriers them and their Father we hardly sense any peril, but once he of him once and for all, and Moshiach in Heaven. has induced us to dance with him, he will finally come. When Chazal describe their pain and speeds up the tempo of the dance until It is difficult to assess the ordeals frustration with the endless spiritual he forces us to go wild. that past generations faced, but it is ordeals of Klal Yisroel, they say, “Hasatan We are living in a period of our his- beyond imagination that Klal Yisroel adayin merakeid beineinu. Satan still tory when Satan is going wild. His dance was ever confronted with a more insidi- dances amongst us.” That same Satan, has reached a stage of absolute frenzy, ous spiritual threat than the Internet, Rabbi Yosef Reinman, a Talmudic scholar, and he has grabbed hold of us and is which threatens to destroy us today. author and historian, lives in Lakewood, pulling us into the dance with him. We Almost daily, we hear new heartbreak- New Jersey. are faced with a terrible crisis and ter- ing stories of families torn apart, broken

26 The Jewish Observer

marriages and ruined lives, all because where we should not be that can now fers physical pain, it is as a result of the of the Internet. be accessed with just the push of a aveiros he has committed. Therefore, button. the eyes, which are responsible for It used to be that a person who those aveiros, are the ones that shed A Wireless Point of Entry wanted to see what he shouldn’t see or the tears. meet people he shouldn’t meet had to Everything starts with the eyes, those atan has come up with a new tool, make nerve-wracking preparations and wonderful organs that can do so many a new invention that has invaded Sthe sanctuaries of our homes. You can lock your doors and shutter your windows against the outside world, but Would any parent be so irresponsible Satan has found a new way to get in. He comes in through the wires or through as to give his young children the the wireless airwaves. You think you keys to his motorcar? Certainly not. are safe, but he is right there with you, Then how can parents even begin drawing you into his dance. For a faithful Jew, one who strives to to consider exposing their children live in holiness and purity, the outside to the Internet? world has always presented an endless parade of challenges, even more so in recent times when society has been increasingly characterized by a high endure heart-pounding anxiety. Today, valuable things but can also do so level of technology, instant commu- the Internet allows him to do so in the much dreadful damage. “Palgei mayim nication and moral laxity. We are no safety and comfort of his home where, yardu einoi al lo shamru Sorasecha. My longer bound by the old restrictions. For with the push of a button, he can see eyes have shed tears because they did instance, it used to be that a journey of images that will contaminate his mind, not keep Your Torah.” Rabbeinu Yonah any distance was a major undertaking, or enter chat rooms where he can be points out that the Navi doesn’t say but today, we can be on the other side exposed to the most alarming attrac- “because I didn’t keep Your Torah,” but of the world in a few hours. We can go tions. Today, the Internet allows him to rather “because they didn’t keep Your anywhere we please and do anything we do whatever he wants with impunity, Torah.” The prophet is talking about choose, and that is why we are in such without controls, with no fear of discov- the eyes! The root of tragedy is that the great danger. ery, with the illusion that there are no eyes didn’t keep the Torah. The opportunities for aveiros (sins) consequences, no repercussions. So how can we protect ourselves are there as they never have been before. from Satan’s dance? How can we pre- The temptations are right before us, serve our innate holiness and purity as easily in our grasp. And it is so simple Why Eyes Shed Tears descendants of Avraham, Yitzchak and to think that perhaps we can touch it Yaakov? How can we screen our eyes gingerly with our toes just to get an idea here is a sefer called Machazei from exposure to the images of sin? of what it is all about. But it never stops Einayim, written over a hundred Only by erecting walls around ourselves there. A mere glance can ultimately lead Tyears ago by one of the maggidim and our homes, walls that shut out the us down the road to destruction. of Bialystok. He asks a very interesting pernicious influences of the outside That is the world in which we live, question. Why is it that the Creator world, by creating sheltered islands in but bad as it is, the Internet has made constructed people in such a way that the turbulent seas of iniquity through it infinitely worse. It used to be that a no matter what part of the body is which we navigate. The ideal would be person at least had to make an effort injured, it is the eyes that cry? If your to remain within the koslei beis hami- to venture forth into the forbidden hand hurts, your hand should cry. If drash, to seek refuge inside the walls of reaches of the outside world. Today, your foot hurts, your foot should cry. our centers of Torah. But that is not the Internet has brought the farthest, Why is it that when any part of the body always feasible for everyone. most illicit corner of the outside world hurts it is the eyes that cry? right into the heart of our homes. What The answer, he says, is that the eyes is the Internet? It is the entire world are the magnets to aveiros. The eyes see Carry Our Walls With Us condensed and reduced to digital code and the heart covets, as Rashi writes at and piped into every online computer. the end of Parashas Shelach, and the or most of us, there are times Today, through the invention of the person is drawn down the path of Satan. when we have to step into the Internet, there are innumerable places For the most part, when a person suf- Foutside world, whether it is to

27 JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

earn a livelihood or for some other pur- age, many businesses depend, in one maturity and responsibility. We cannot pose. We must realize that when we go form or another, on access to the expect them to suppress their natural into the cities, the offices, the airports, Internet. The first choice for faithful curiosity and act with a high degree of or wherever else it may be that we are Jews is to seek employment and careers self-control. We have to keep them a exposing ourselves to images, messages that are not dependent on the Internet. million miles away from the Internet. and influences that are corrosive to That is far and away the best option. But who we are and what we should be. In if for some reason – and after consult- those cases, we must, as much as pos- ing with rabbanim – they consider this Motorcars and sible, carry our walls with us. Instead of impossible, the next line of defense is to the Internet looking about with wide-eyed wonder, keep it out of the home. Let it remain in we must walk with downcast eyes, deaf the office, in full view, so that everyone while ago, someone who was ears, and minds focused elsewhere. “Al can see where everyone else is going. aware of my opposition to the tevi’einu lidei nisayon,” we pray. “Don’t As for those people that do their work, AInternet came up to me and said, put us to the test.” But before we have or a substantial part of it, out of offices “Rabbi, you’re not keeping up with the the right to beseech the Almighty, we in their homes, the need for safeguards times. We live in the Internet age. You must make our own efforts to avoid and controls is that much greater. They cannot reject the Internet, just as you the tests. We must seek out the avenues should get the best filters available, could not have rejected the motorcar of least exposure, and stay inside the and they should set up a system of in the motorcar age.” invisible walls we create for ourselves. accountability. As one example, I would Listening to this fellow, I realized Otherwise, we take the risk of joining suggest that husband and wife should how apt a comparison he had made. in Satan’s dance. make an agreement never to clear the Everyone understands that there have If we want to stay pure, if we want History on their Internet browser, and to be rules governing the operation of to avoid falling into the net of aveiros, to make random checks of each other’s a motorcar – speed limits, stoplights, we have to do everything in our power History. In this way, there will always traffic laws, automotive regulations, to protect our eyes, and what greater be an easily accessed record of all the seat belts, fines for reckless drivers. assault on our eyes is there than the sites they have visited, and there will be Everyone understands that it has to be Internet? We have to fear this monster accountability. this way, that a motorcar is lethal; if called the Internet. We have to be afraid But most important of all, safeguards handled improperly and irresponsibly, to touch it, to come close to it, to pos- have to be put in place to protect the it can kill other people or the driver sess it, to let it into our homes. We have children. We cannot control the behav- himself. No one complains that the rules to realize that any hetter we receive for ior of adults. All that we can do is warn and regulations governing the use of accessing the Internet is only a bedieved and advise them and hope they will motorcars are intrusive or an infringe- shebedi’eved, a last resort of the most act with the prudence and responsibil- ment of privacy. extreme. ity expected of adults. But we cannot Well, the Internet is equally lethal, I do realize that in today’s day and demand of children that they act with perhaps not so much to our physical well-being – although the danger of predators is real and frightening – but certainly to our spiritual well-being. A person’s eyes take one look at an improper image, and it can stick in his mind. Can these selfsame eyes then say to the Almighty in all sincerity, “Veha’eir eineinu besorasecha, Illuminate our eyes with Your Torah”? Even one look can be devastating, let alone many. How can anyone, then, deny that the Internet needs regulation – at least as much as a motorcar? But most of all, it needs regulation for the children. Would any parent be so irresponsible as to give his young chil- dren the keys to his motorcar? Certainly not. Then how can parents even begin to consider exposing their children to the Internet?

28 The Jewish Observer

Having an accessible computer with in the community. It is my hope and exposed to the perils and temptations Internet capability in the home is like prayer that this courageous step will of the outside world. We know full well keeping a loaded pistol in a drawer in serve as a shining example to other that no matter what we do, we cannot the kitchen. It would be almost impos- communities across the United States guarantee that our children will not be sible to keep the children away from and around the world. influenced and contaminated. The only the Internet. Installing passwords and The Navi cries out (Eicha 2,19), choice is ceaseless tefilla for the physical even removing modems will not stop “Arise, cry out in the night, at the begin- and spiritual safety of our children, to the curious child, especially because ning of the watches, pour out your heart say Tehillim for them, and shed hot tears today’s children are much more tech- like water in the presence of the L-rd, over them ever single day. But before we nologically knowledgeable than most lift up your hands to Him, for the lives come to the Almighty with our pleas parents. The only option for people that of your children that are swooning from and entreaties, we must do everything in must have Internet-enabled computers hunger at the corner of every street.” our own power to protect our children. in their home offices is to keep them Our children swoon and faint away Only then do we have the right to ask securely locked up and out of reach of at the street corners, where they are the Almighty to do the rest. d the children. If someone complains that even these minimal safeguards are too difficult, I would advise him to quit his job and go begging from door to door rather than jeopardize the Olam Hazeh and Olam Habba of his children. In save any case, I think that anyone who can afford a computer can afford the simple up to $49 off safeguards to protect his children. thethe covercover priceprice ofof TheThe JewishJewish ObserverObserver Why not give or get a present Guidelines and that will last an entire year? Safeguards

ecently, a group of Lakewood principals, in consultation with Subscribe, or give a gift at these reduced rabbanim, drew up a list of prices: as much as 40% off the newsstand R price; the longer your subscription, the takanos, guidelines for their parent greater your savings. You and your family will benefit from the bodies. It was agreed by all that a child many articles of information and inspira- exposed to the Internet would be a nega- Each month, The Jewish Observer will tion that they cannot get anywhere else. arrive at your door, filled with the views of tive influence and could conceivably leading Torah thinkers on current Of course, this offer is unconditionally bring down an entire class. Therefore, issues...analyses of Jewish events, focus on guaranteed; you may cancel at any time the schools would not accept a child burning issues, inside reporting, interpretive and receive a full refund for all undeliv- commentary, uplifting biographies, infuri- ered copies, no questions asked. whose home had a computer with access ating letters and illuminating responses — to Internet. If the parents insisted that all within the covers of one magazine, So order today, and the very next issue will they absolutely needed it, they would The Jewish Observer. be on its way to you as soon as possible. be required to produce a letter to that effect from one of the Lakewood rab- banim. They would also have to agree Subscription Discount Certificate to keep the computer under lock and key whenever it was not being used for 42 Broadway / New York, NY 10004 • Phone 212-797-7394 • Fax 646-254-1600 business. MONEY BACK GUARANTEE Please enter ❒ my subscription ❒ my gift If for any reason at any time you are not satisfied, It is to the great credit of the YES! you may cancel your subscription and receive a USA ONLY OUTSIDE USA* full refund on all unmailed issues. ❒ 3 years Your cost – $69 $114 You save up to $49! Lakewood community that the idea ❒ Enclosed: $______or ❒ Charge my MasterCard/VISA of the guidelines was well-received, ❒ 2 years Your cost – $48 $78 You save up to $31! CARD NO. as evidenced by this great gathering, ❒ 1 year Your cost – $25 $40 You save up to $14! EXPIRATION DATE 3 DIGIT CODE which is truly a kiddush Hashem. The NAME (MONTH) (YEAR) SIGNATURE parents understand that these takanos *Foreign price reflects $15 extra per year to defray air shipping ADDRESS costs. Foreign payment must be made in U.S. dollars, either by are necessary to safeguard the well-being check drawn on a bank in the U.S.A. or by VISA or MasterCard. CITY, STATE, ZIP of their own children, and to maintain The Jewish Observer is published monthly, except July and August. the overall level of holiness and purity

29 JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

Rabbi Aryeh Z. Ginzberg

ver the last several decades, the Yom Tov guest in a home in Geula, in Eretz Yisroel, as did my wife, we process of sending our sons and rich in kedusha yet spare in material both dreamed and hoped that our Odaughters to Eretz Yisroel after trappings, or a Shabbos in Bnei Brak, children would also be blessed with graduating high school has developed attending a shiur for the seminary this opportunity. Baruch Hashem, my into a rite of passage. It is expected – yes, girls by Rabbi Yitzchak Zilberstein second daughter is now following even required – for the growing number a”jyls, and special sessions with in the footsteps of an older sibling, of high school graduates to spend at Rebbetzin Friedlander (widow of and currently experiencing her year least one year basking in the glow of Reb Chaim l”xz, the Sifsei Chaim) in Eretz Yisroel, and both she and we kedushas Eretz Yisroel and all that it has and Rebbetzin Kanievsky. The reor- could not be any more pleased and to offer before beginning the next stage dering of personal priorities that proud. of their young lives. results from such an itinerary are So what’s the problem?

In fact, for many of these young men and women, the year or two in Eretz Yisroel can be a transforming experience. There are few counter- most rewarding. The “Danger” Alert parts for a 20-year-old bachur in I do not have access to official America to the intense years in the figures, but according to the head he first time the problem came Mir or Brisk, Slobodka or Tchebin, of one of the leading seminaries in to my attention was several years or other yeshivos, large and small, in Yerushalayim, the number of young Tago, at the height of the Intifada. Eretz Yisroel. Nor can one duplicate men and women going to Eretz It was the month of Adar, a particularly the total immersion in the avira Yisroel each year now exceeds 5,000 brutal and devastating month for Klal de’Eretz Yisroel that a seminary year (kein yirbu!). Each new year brings Yisroel, as several buses were blown up offers – including being a Shabbos or with it the opening of at least one in Yerushalayim, killing dozens and new seminary and one new yeshiva, injuring scores more. Rabbi Ginzberg, founding Rav of Ohr Moshe Torah Institute in Hillcrest, NY, is currently yet the waiting lists for these mosdos At that time, parents were register- Rav of the Chofetz Chaim Torah Center of (institutions) seem to grow each year, ing sons and daughters in yeshivos and Cedarhurst (Long Island), New York. He is a as well. seminaries for the coming year, and they frequent contributor to these pages, most Having had the opportunity to were agonizing over what to do. My recently with “Collective Tears” (Sept. ’05). spend my senior year in high school phone was constantly ringing, asking

30 The Jewish Observer

for advice. Feeling totally inadequate with the crowd and engage them in con- Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivas Ohr Somayach to pasken on she’eilos of “dinei nefashos versation about Torah and mitzvos. offered some divrei beracha. He recalled (matters of life and death),” I flew to From the very first day, it was a huge that when he had decided to make aliyah Eretz Yisroel to present this difficult success. Each night, there were overflow and open up what is the father of all and painful she’eila to the ziknei hador. crowds, and having been involved from baalei teshuva yeshivos, he went to his In less than 24 hours, I consulted with the inception, I was truly proud. Then beloved Rosh Hayeshiva, Rabbi Yitzchok Harabbanim Hagaonim Rabbi Yoseif one day, I heard from my friend that he Hutner l”xz, for a beracha. Shalom Elyashiv a”jyls, Rabbi Aaron was contemplating closing the center Rabbi Hutner took out some liquor Leib Steinman a”jyls, Rabbi Chaim and had consulted with the Amshinover for a lechayim and said the follow- Kanievsky a”jyls, and Rabbi Chaim Rebbe to obtain his decision. I wondered, ing: “Usually, when Chassidim make a Pinchas Scheinberg a”jyls. Why close so soon, after we invested such lechayim for a yahrtzeit, they say, ‘May Upon my return, I penned a brief efforts in opening? the neshama have an aliyah.’ My beracha article about the question at hand, with He explained that the sole purpose to you is that your aliyah should have the various answers that I received from of this pub was to attract secular foreign a neshama.” the gedolim. Since it was such a pressing students. Instead, each and every night, All the parents who stand on those issue, the brief article circulated around the pub was filled with American yeshiva long lines at Kennedy Airport about to the country in a matter of hours. boys and seminary students, and he spent wish their daughters and sons farewell While I received many responses to that all his time politely telling them that the as they depart upon their special year article with comments and/or questions, place is not for them. in Eretz Yisroel want to know that their one phone call stands out. It was from a children’s “aliyah will have a neshama.” veteran mechaneich of a boys’ mesivta in Upon a recent visit to Eretz Yisroel, a How do we ensure that? New York. He said, “Rabbi Ginzberg, you good friend of mine asked me to meet Lots of tefilla, to be sure. But what raised the she’eila of sending one’s child with his daughter, who was spending a else can we do? First and foremost is to to Eretz Yisroel with the threat of physical year at one of the finest seminaries there, investigate the yeshiva or seminary that danger. What about the threat of spiritual because when they spoke on the tele- they chose. Is it right for them? How danger there?” phone, he detected a note of distress in is their supervision before, between, When I asked for further clarification, her voice. I contacted her, and was indeed and after classes? Is there structure and he related several incidents regarding his troubled by what I heard. control on Shabbos, Yamim Tovim, and talmidim who went to Eretz Yisroel and She confided to me that on an off- intersessions? had a spiritual yerida (decline), and not an Shabbos, she had gone with her roommate An adam gadol once asked an insight- aliyah (uplifting experience), something to an aunt’s house in Ramat Beit Shemesh. ful question: The Torah relates that when that we would not expect to happen in an It seemed that her aunt had inadvertently Moshe Rabbeinu went up Har Sinai to atmosphere of kedushas Ha’aretz. invited two yeshiva boys (from one of get the second Luchos, he remained there While I was not really shocked by his the finest yeshivos in Yerushalayim) to for forty days. Why? He had already been claim, I was indeed surprised that it came the Friday night seuda. The girls were given instructions on how to transmit from a menaheil of a wonderful yeshiva extremely uncomfortable, but had to the Torah when he ascended Har Sinai with great boys from strong homes. Yet the make the best of it. After one or two to receive the first Luchos. He asked problem was real enough for him to share more chance encounters, she and one this question to Hagaon Rabbi Moshe it with me, and he wanted to know if the of the boys began to speak regularly on Feinstein l”xz, who answered that after ziknei hador had expressed their thoughts their cell phones. She knew it was wrong, the sin of the Eigel Hazahav (the Golden on this form of danger, as well. yet she could not confide to her school Calf), they were a different generation I decided to investigate further. madricha (mentor) or to her parents, so and required a whole new approach to A dear childhood friend who has she was caught between a rock and a hard learning Torah, so he stayed for another dedicated his life to kiruv rechokim became place. Thankfully, the father was intuitive forty days of learning how to teach and a devoted disciple of the Amshinover enough to detect something troubling his transmit Torah to a new dor. Rebbe a”jyls. With the Rebbe’s blessing daughter 6,000 miles away, and I was able What worked for us in the past has and encouragement, several years ago, to resolve the problem. no bearing on today’s generation. When he opened up a kiruv drop-in center I spent my year in Eretz Yisroel, the chal- in the heart of Ben Yehuda Street in lenges and nisyonos of today did not Yerushalayim called the “Holy Mountain Of Aliyah and Neshama exist, and they still had not cropped up Pub.” It was billed as a pit stop for foreign by the time my wife attended seminary students from Hebrew University and kib- ver thirty years ago, at a Sheva several years later. butzim to drop in for free live music, free Berachos of an American baal There were no physical dangers. I Internet access and free beer. Experienced Oteshuva couple who were setting remember walking every Thursday kiruv experts would be on hand to mingle up their new home in Eretz Yisroel, the night through Shaar Shechem on the

31 JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

way to daven Vasikin (sunrise) at the In truth, parents would benefit from mechanchim in Eretz Yisroel during my Kosel with my chavrusa, without giv- guidance on how to be alert to devia- recent visit there. ing it a second thought. And there tion from healthy norms by older teens One story involved a group of girls were far fewer spiritual dangers, as at home, but that’s a subject for another from one of the most illustrious semi- well. There were no cell phones for article. Our question is: Can the yeshi- naries in Eretz Yisroel who had planned instant contact or text messaging; no vos and seminaries do more? to spend several days of their Sukkos Internet; no commercial places targeted According to many educators in vacation in the coastal city of Netanya. exclusively at the American 18- and 19- Eretz Yisroel that I spoke to, No, they They submitted the name of one of the year-old yeshiva boys and/or seminary cannot. The seminaries are extremely prominent families in the Sanz com- student. watchful as to where their students munity, where they would be staying. We are, of course, not speaking spend their free Shabbosos and with The seminary, of course, approved in terms of large numbers; Baruch whom they go. What more can they the trip. Two days before they were to Hashem, it’s only a small minority, do? leave, they received a call from their at best. (As to how small, I leave that I remember that more than twenty- hostess. After profusely apologizing, to the experts to define for us.) But five years ago, I was in Eretz Yisroel with she explained that her daughter had if our system is at fault for putting a my rebbi, the Rosh Hayeshiva of Yeshiva just given birth, two months prema- stumbling block in front of that small Chofetz Chaim, Hagaon Rabbi Henoch turely. She would be caring for her minority, then it behooves us to reex- Liebowitz a”jyls, for a three-week daughter’s family and therefore could amine our system of “a year in Eretz period, and was present when many not host them. Yisroel for every child.” We need to of his talmidim and admirers in Eretz Thoroughly disappointed, one of do something to protect that minor- Yisroel came to consult with him. the girls said that she had an idea: She ity of children who will be exposed One former talmid posed a question would make reservations at a youth to freedoms and situations that they to the Rosh Hayeshiva. He was plan- hostel. The majority of the group never have never experienced before while ning to open a girls’ seminary for the heard of a youth hostel, and readily under the watchful eye of two parents, coming year (an almost unprecedented agreed. These wonderful young Bais and are unable to spiritually cope with undertaking during those years), and Yaakov girls, all future kollel wives, these newfound realities. he wanted the Rosh Hayeshiva’s advice found themselves spending three days on the list of priorities of the new in a setting filled with members of seminary. Should it be first Halacha, Israeli society that they would never Can the Schools Do More? then Mussar, then Hashkafa, or the even have known existed. If not for reverse order? The Rosh Hayeshiva the trauma experienced by one of the ctually, many boys and girls find looked him straight in the eye and girls, which she shared with her eim opportunities on their home said. “Your top three priorities should bayis (dorm mother), the story would Aturf to sample, experiment be ‘Shemira, shemira, and then more have remained hidden. with, and ultimately indulge in all sorts shemira.’” (In other words, your high- Did the wonderful, dedicated, chi- of unwholesome activities. Parents are est priority should be how to guard nuch-minded parents of these girls either too distracted, too trusting, too and protect these young, innocent, even have a clue as to their daughters’ unsuspecting, or too indifferent to seventeen-or-eighteen-year-old girls, lodging over Yom Tov at a Netanya pick up on a variety of inappropriate many of whom have never spent more youth hostel? practices or experiences in which their than a Shabbos away from home, from children may be involved. the powerful nisyonos on the streets of The other story involved a very And then, these deviations, great Eretz Yisroel.) astute and alert father from the heart and small, surface thousands of miles Over the years, I have heard from of Flatbush who saved his son from a away, in the holy city of Yerushalayim. this very successful mechaneich that potential serious problem. Monitoring Sometimes, they are discovered by the with each passing year, he has a deeper his credit card charges, he noticed people in charge at the seminaries or appreciation of the wisdom of the Rosh repeated charges every Thursday at yeshivos, before they have a chance Hayeshiva’s advice. a particular store in Geula. He ques- to drag others with them. And some- tioned his son about these charges, who times, it takes a while until they are explained that these were gift purchases discovered. On occasion, mentors and Beyond the Reach of the for Shabbos hosts that he frequented. counselors extend an assisting hand to Watchful Eye He had no reason to distrust his son the “guilty parties,” and help them to – a masmid and ben Torah learning in abandon these tendencies. Other times, wo events that took place this one of the most prominent yeshivos they are asked to leave – a most igno- year in Eretz Yisroel were shared in Eretz Yisroel. Yet, something just minious but unavoidable step. Twith me by one of the veteran was not right.

32 The Jewish Observer

He confided his concern to his son’s another resort for several days dur- can we do to protect the small num- rosh chabura (head of a study group), ing intersessions… under whose care ber of our children who threaten to who promised to investigate. After and surveillance? This would not be become lost in their transition from some initial discussions, he called in deemed acceptable on the American obedient child to “adult” out on their the bachur, and confronted him with scene.) own, in a world filled with nisyonos his father’s and now his own concern. Another point that should not be that grow more challenging each and The bachur, quite relieved to get it off overlooked; the stream of 20-year-old every day? his chest, said he didn’t know how it bachurim – young men, really – who The answer is: Be an active par- began, but every Friday night, he and devote several years to learning in ent, no less than you were for the some chaveirim got together, either in a Yerushalayim put tremendous effort last eighteen years, when that child dorm room or at a kollel fellow’s apart- into getting accepted into premier lived under your protective roof and ment, and had an Oneg Shabbos. What yeshivos. After “making it,” they are watchful eye. Chinuch habannim is began as a little cold beer with some treated as adults in many of these one of those things from which one Friday night chulent and kugel escalated yeshivos, with no supervision in basic can never be masiach daas (distracted). into serious, hard-core drinking. Each aspects of their daily routine. There is The monitoring, of course, should be Thursday, he and a chaveir purchased no accountability for davening with a informed by seichel tov, leiv tov, ve’ayin several bottles of Chivas Regal, and minyan, and keeping sedarim. In addi- tov – good judgment, warm heart and then drank on Friday night until they tion, some of these young men fail to generous eye. were totally inebriated. Sometimes they eat regular, balanced meals, or maintain As parents, we need to understand slept through Shabbos to shake it off. order, cleanliness and personal hygiene that our parental obligations do not He tried to stop, but was unable to do in their dira. For most parents, this take a year off while our children are so, and he begged his rosh chabura for need not be a concern, but according 6,000 miles away, in Eretz Hakodesh. assistance. to a constant flow of reports from The responsibility to know at all Baruch Hashem, he got help in time, talmidei yeshivos who come back to times where our sons and daughters due to an astute father, but not every- the States, there is a significant minor- are going, with whom they are going, one is zocheh to that. Case in point: ity of young men who would benefit and how they are getting there, does that rosh chabura told the mechaneich from some kind of hashgacha – the not lessen with the separation of an who shared the story with me that the closer, the better – and whose social ocean and a seven-hour time gap. Only kollel fellow in whose apartment this and spiritual equilibrium is at serious consistent vigilance and attention will Oneg Shabbos often took place is now risk without it. hopefully bring even those few num- undergoing intensive therapy for a * * * bers of our children who are at risk severe alcohol dependency problem. If there’s nothing more that the for yerida and not aliyah back home This dedicated father shared his con- yeshivos and seminaries can do, and to us inspired and enthused, with an cern about the problems and nisyonos it’s too important a life-altering expe- increased love and commitment to these young boys and girls face each rience to say “Don’t go,” then what Torah and mitzvos. d and every day when they are on their own with a prominent rosh hayeshiva in the United States. He was told, “This is not a problem with the children Traveling to Israel or Europe? from our type of homes. It’s in the Get the lowest cell phone rental rates more modern-cultured homes that it’s found.” and best service only at The facts on the ground beg to dif- fer. Conversations with the menahalim  FREE incoming calls in many countries and principals of our mesivtas and  Lowest short/ long term rates worldwide girls’ high schools reveal horror stories (though admittedly few in number)  Pickup/ delivery available nationwide of wonderful students getting on the  Group/ corporate discounts plane at JFK and coming back nine months later with a host of problems in discipline, hashkafa, tzeniyus, and Special: Rent 1 Get 1 Free possibly worse. (In fact, it is common in some (877) CELLPHONE circles for a group of bachurim to rent low-cost hotel rooms in Netanya or www.travelcell.com

33 JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

Mrs. Leah Steinberg

he growth of special education skills and strategies that have made Success in special education is pri- programs and acceptance of special education in self-contained marily a function of specialized instruc- Tthem under the roofs of our classes such a resounding success, to tion. Students benefit from teachers best schools are cause for great celebra- our regular education classrooms, so who are highly trained in their field, tion. The fact that so many schools have that more children will be able to be motivated, and constantly trying new accepted these children as their own only educated there. methods to educate their students. proves without a doubt “Mi ke’amcha They are also paid and treated like Yisroel: Who is like Your Nation Israel!” professionals. We are all familiar with Children are being helped beyond their The Educators – Creating that glow around a child who has that parents’ wildest dreams. Children who the Team Approach “great teacher,” compared – at the other only a few short years ago would have extreme – to the daily torture with the been forced to go to public schools to he criteria for being a successful resulting damage to our precious chil- receive this special attention are now rebbi are well known. Having dren inflicted by a person who should thriving within the walls of the best Tintrinsic instincts to make each not be at the head of a classroom. yeshivos. child feel loved is a given; one must It would seem self-evident that regu- This is a wonderful development. also be a talmid chacham, have yiras lar classes would have much to gain by Yet, many of these children would have Shamayim, and love being an eved having teachers who are professionally been able to remain in the mainstream Hashem, glowing with emuna peshuta. trained and are constantly upgrading environment if their rebbe’im and teach- He must have tremendous pedagogical their skills and techniques. We would all ers would have had access to the tools skills, have extreme patience, and a tal- benefit in investing in their continuing necessary to teach a multi-level class. ent for explaining complex concepts in education. Consider, however, that our As our special education programs a clear, organized and exciting way. A best and brightest girls seem to be head- are bursting at the seams, let us explore similar checklist is necessary for every ing into the field of “special education,” the possibility of applying some of the successful mora and teacher. as becoming a “regular teacher” does not Mrs. Steinberg, of Brooklyn, NY, serves as This is truly a tall order. The rebbi, constitute a calling that will assist them Director of Agudath Israel’s Project L.E.A.R.N. mora and teacher are playing a much in “supporting a family.” Her article, “Accommodating Children with more vital role both emotionally and But we must not short-change our Special Needs,” was featured in JO, Sept. ’04. In educationally in our children’s lives children in the mainstream. Our chil- her capacity as Director of Project L.E.A.R.N, Mrs. Steinberg assists parents with a broad than ever before, and it is our duty dren are growing up in a very different spectrum of special education issues that to provide them with the tools to do world than we did, and are facing chal- affect their children’s ability to be educated it right. And here we can learn from lenges that we never even dreamed of. within our community at large. special education. Although the needs of children in the

34 The Jewish Observer

mainstream are different and hopefully that any problem that they find worri- this parent will probably never speak less complex than those in special edu- some is brought to the attention of the openly to the person most able to effec- cation programs, they still exist. Family mentor. If it is determined that further tively help her child, and the downward dynamics in this day and age are much investigation is necessary, time should spiral now begins. I do not believe that more complicated than in the past, and be set aside for the team to discuss this teacher meant any harm. Lack teachers often have no choice but to fill their concerns and map out a course of of forethought, however, is no excuse some parental role. Some children have action for the mentor to follow through – especially when taking care of our no one to confide in at home, and look on. This approach frees the teacher to most precious assets. to the teacher or guidance counselor concentrate on teaching without wor- How could this have been handled for a sense of security. Others have no rying that children under her watch are differently? First, the teacher should structure once they leave the school falling through the cracks. have listened to the parent, as the per- building, and are in danger of looking spective of a parent, right or wrong, is to the streets to fill the gaps. As difficult a window to the child’s life. As work- as this may be, this is a fact of life that The Parents ing on any child’s needs involves both many yeshivos have accepted and are home and school, free and open com- working hard to address. n the best-case scenario, educating munication without judgment is the Teachers need to be prepared for this our children, first and foremost, key. The same communication that we daunting task. As in special education, Ishould be a coordinated effort on are insisting is necessary when a child there are workshops available today to the part of school and home. In special is at risk, could and should be used train educators on how to properly iden- education, every effort for a close, trust- between the responsible adults early in tify issues and intervene at the earliest ing relationship with parents is deemed the child’s life to avoid problems in the juncture, so that problems don’t spiral vital. Top professionals who deal with first place. Why does this fail to happen? out of control. When somebody who children’s issues reiterate that parents’ The answer is plain, good old-fashioned cares devotes time, effort and proper input is vital for correct diagnosis and fear. The parents are afraid to talk to skills to addressing whatever issues intervention. But informing teachers of the teachers because they are in mortal manifest themselves – be they behavioral such needs in a regular school is fraught fear that they will be seen as deficient if or educational – the student who gets with risk. Very often, parents tell schools their child has a problem. The teachers the help becomes aware that there is an that their child requires a little extra help are afraid to discuss any concern with individual in the adult world rooting for and understanding. What frequently the principals because they may be seen him, and he will have no need to look follows is nothing short of a nightmare as ineffective and inexperienced. And for attention on the outside. for the parents. as for the principal, there are a host of According to Dr. Abraham J. Twerski, I recently received a call from an reasons why keeping his/her opinion some of the issues that are “red flags” for acquaintance. She had phoned me to himself or herself seems the most educators to look for are: before a PTA meeting because her appealing – including protecting the • More than normal aggressiveness daughter was not picking up on kriah image of his/her school. or/and irritability, (reading Hebrew). She wanted to know If we are to help our children, this • Diminished interest in activities, if I felt that it was wise to discuss it with lack of communication and cooperation • Disruptive behavior, the mora. Knowing how appreciated must change. All the teacher workshops • Peer problems, such input is in special education, I told aren’t worth anything if not coupled • Frequent drowsiness, her that the biggest favor she could do with this very important component. • Academic difficulties, for her child was to be open with her When parents and school get locked • Somber appearance – doesn’t laugh teacher, because that was the only way into a dispute as to whose fault the or smile appropriately, she could get the help she needs. Big child’s problems are, nobody gains. The • Other children poking fun at him/ mistake! When she did this, the teacher only outcome is that all communication her. told her that as all the other children breaks down, and that is the death knoll How can our educators feel secure were “catching on” (a claim that may for this child’s future. An orientation that they are on top of every issue that need to be substantiated, but rarely is), session should be convened at the outset presents itself in their classroom? Each and her daughter was “obviously lazy.” of the school year to explicitly tell par- school should have a “child study team,” When the mother tried to convince her ents that the partnership is in place and to make sure that no concern, large or otherwise, she was suddenly accused of that the school is always interested in small, is neglected. It should consist of being the source of the problem – appar- helping parents with any concern about the principal, mentor (school psycholo- ently she was spoiling her child! their child. Many schools’ literature gist, social worker or some other quali- Had the teacher handled this inci- includes just such a declaration. fied individual working in this role), and dent differently, the child would have In keeping with a genuine partner- teacher. The teachers must be reassured been on the road to success. Instead, ship, there should be a series of coor-

35 JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

dinated workshops during the school advice of the school, including sugges- have no more than 10 or 12 students.” year for parents and teachers, address- tions of seeking professional help. In a Although this is undeniably true, our ing both groups, and reinforcing the school where the developmental needs schools cannot possibly meet this concepts and skills necessary to make of the child are paramount, and there is mandate. We must look for some the partnership succeed. Imagine, for a concerted effort to keep communica- viable alternatives within the reality example, how the parents in a particular tions open, honest, and caring, should that we live in. class would be able to tell the teacher the necessity to find a new environment Because of some very creative why not one of the children could pro- for this student arise, they can search for frameworks I have observed in both duce that report without full parental a better future for this child together. special education and regular educa- help – and could then brainstorm on How many children and their fami- tion, the very issue that appears to be how to bring the children’s skills up to lies – parents and siblings – have our problem – large classes – may just the teacher’s expectation, so that next become jaded and permanently dam- make it possible for our children to time, more realistic goals are set. On the aged to the point of affecting their get a perfectly tailored education: It is other hand, parents with weak parenting lifelong association with Torah and a method called “grouping” – that is, skills, or who have trouble dealing with yiras Shamayim through improper breaking the class down into smaller organizing their child’s school life, could handling of such critical and sensitive groups in which the students’ needs benefit from parenting discussions and situations? What do I answer to the complement each other so that it is having a built-in support network. In parent who tells me that her daughter advantageous for all involved. This turn, the school will benefit from chil- was told to find a new school because concept can be applied in two manners dren who are prepared for class, both “She just isn’t meeting her potential,” – homogeneously as well as heteroge- behaviorally and educationally. and now finds the doors to all other neously – and each has been effectively There will always be skeptics regard- schools shut against her child, while implemented in large classes. ing any proposed change, but if all her former school doesn’t explain to Homogeneous grouping is effective involved will stick with it, a trusting the parents what warranted such a in a skill-based area such as reading relationship and atmosphere will even- drastic judgment? How do I comfort or mathematics. The more similar the tually develop. a father whose son has nowhere to go level and needs of the students are Many schools as of late have begun each day because he was told, “There when groups are formed, the more what is called “Staff Development Day.” are places more appropriate for him effective the learning experience will If we parents knew that on those days to shteig”? Such pat answers to such be. (on which we are trying to figure out serious decisions make a mockery of By contrast, if the subject matter what to do with our kids), the teachers the sacred trust called chinuch. We being learned tends to be multi-fac- were being coached on how to make reap the devastating harvest of such eted, as it relates to skills, in areas such school a better place for our children, on callousness with our “kids at risk” as literature or science, then much is how to treat parents and children with scenario. to be gained by heterogeneous group- respect and sensitivity when discussing ing. That is, the group – consisting of issues about the apples of our eye, there students with different strengths – will would be a collective sigh of relief (and The Classroom work on an assignment together. The absolutely no hard feelings about hav- teacher will put together four groups ing the kids home). Once the message lthough training for special of approximately eight students each is clear – that we all are working as a education programs (and to work on a science project, with each united front to help our children reach Aregular education programs, group giving an in-depth analysis on their potential – the sky is the limit. Our for that matter,) is vital, it is my firm different aspects of the assigned sub- children will be free to grow and learn, belief that one of the fundamental ject. Heterogeneous grouping, then, without ridiculous paranoia crippling reasons that the special education pro- means putting into each group stu- our goals. grams are succeeding is that the learn- dents with strengths in various areas, ing is taking place in small groups. In such as reading comprehension, writ- my conversation with Rabbi Abraham ing skills, creativity, as well as a sense When It’s Time for a J. Twerski, he told me, “The halacha in of humor – and in some projects, Change Yoreh Deia (245:15) says that the maxi- musical and artistic talent, benefitting mum amount of students a teacher each member of the group immea- his type of relationship becomes can care for is 25. Pis’chei Teshuva surably. (This may also provide an priceless when inevitable, serious comments that this may have been opening for parental input as to latent Tissues arise. If there is trust built valid in previous times, but nowadays talents in our students being brought into a parent-school relationship, then (in the time of the Pis’chei Teshuva, to the fore and developed.) When we the parent will be more accepting of the some 300 years ago), a teacher should use this approach, we are, in a sense,

38 The Jewish Observer

creating four specially tailored classes e. Preview and review. Although together with their peers? out of this one larger group. review is utilized often, preview is We must remember that, as in the Grouping may work on a school- a very strong tool for children who words of Mrs. Georgie Schorr of Bais wide level, as well. Many larger schools need that little boost to keep up. Yaakov of Boro Park, a veteran mechan- have divided their schools into sub- f. Classroom guidance: i.e., give the eches par excellence, “Celebrate, not divisions, so they can have a better student a heads-up as to what berate, the differences,” for that is the handle on the developmental stages specific problem or passuk he will true beauty of our children. Let us of their students and relate to them be asked to recite publicly. Besides endeavor to make all our schools into better. For example, a principal of learning how to study, it gives the places where all education is, indeed, first grade students would do well to child a sense of success and the “special”! d sympathize with a child suffering the willingness to try again. As under- trauma of losing his or her first tooth, scored by Rabbi Strickman from * I would like to dedicate this article to the and would surely be the hero if it were Yeshiva Darchei Torah, “Nothing memory of my dear father, R’ Yosef Isaac ben publicized that there were prizes for succeeds like success.” Moshe Davidovits, a true specialist in the field of education. Although he never set foot in a class- each child who reaches this milestone, One aspect of special education that room, anyone who encountered him knew that whereas the seventh grade principal is being coordinated into the school he embodied all the characteristics which would should be there to commiserate with day in many mainstream programs is make a rebbe successful, most of all a true belief students who are dealing with getting therapeutic services, which, in NYC, in the intrinsic goodness of every student and the conviction that educating children requires braces and all the emotional baggage are provided in our schools nowadays infinite patience, understanding and kindness. that can come with it. There again, by the Department of Education (this If his sage advice would be used, it would be to each school division should make doesn’t apply in most other jurisdic- the benefit of many talmidim and talmidos. Yehi use of the “child study team,” to make tions). For example, if a student has zichro baruch. sure that no concern, large or small, receptive or expressive language prob- is neglected. lems, coordinating the speech therapy services with the classroom teacher CHEVRA OSEH CHESED may be the key to this student’s success. OF AGUDATH ISRAEL The Students When a child gets these services and they are coordinated with the school, BURIAL PLOTS ll children start out in school the benefits of the services will be IN ERETZ YISROEL excited about learning. multiplied. It is up to the professionals Interment in a Shomer Shabbos ASomewhere along the line, the involved with the child to make sure Beis Olam near Beis Shemesh stresses of school suck out the fresh- this happens. ness from them. How can we help our Please phone or write to: children succeed in school so that they Chevra Oseh Chesed of Agudath Israel live up to our expectations, and more Applying the “Special” 42 Broadway, New York, NY 10004 importantly, theirs? Techniques (212) 797-9000 The following is a checklist of some very basic educational strategies that et us repeat our initial theme: can be utilized in a regular education Special education classrooms classroom, which have worked wonders L have close parental involve- in the special education setting. ment, smaller class sizes, trained a. Screening student population for teachers, love for every student skill-based deficits (example: kriah no matter the degree of challenge, scan) before they go on to the next and the correct tools to teach every level of learning. This way, issues student “al pi darko.” Doesn’t that can be addressed right away, before describe the dream classroom? Isn’t frustration sets in. this what we want for all our children? b. Giving students a few extra seconds All of our children are “special,” to process and respond to a ques- and unique in one way or another. tion. And then, isn’t it possible that if all c. Modified homework and testing of these elements are incorporated when necessary. into the conventional classroom, that d. Classes in note-taking, study skills, many children relegated to special and test-taking for students – a education programs will be able to be must! educated in mainstream classrooms

39 SPECIAL OFFER TO JEWISH OBSERVER READERS

BACK IN o event in recent Jewish history has been as traumatic and PRINT! Ninexplicable as the Holocaust. It has spawned a vast literature of speculation, doubt, and anger. How are we to respond to events we cannot understand? How are we to teach the Holocaust to our children? What are the most fitting memorials? Who can say “Never again”? Did the Kedoshim truly “go like sheep”? Where were the President, the Pope, the leadership, when lives were going up in chimneys of Auschwitz? Who were the heroes of resistance and rescue? How truthfully has the published literature dealt with the most cataclysmic event of this century? ® Gedolim like the Bluzhever Rebbe, Rabbi Avrohom Pam, THE ARTSCROLL JUDAISCOPE SERIES Rabbi Mordechai Gifter, Rabbi Yitzchak Hutner, Rabbi Yaakov Anthologies of biographical sketches from over a quarter-century Kamentzky đ"ěċ, and č"ČđĆĎ Rabbi Elya Svei, and The Novominsker Rebbe — help us see the Holocaust through the eyes of our Torah of The Jewish Observer. Edited by Rabbi Nisson Wolpin. leaders … THE TORAH PERSONALITY TORAH LUMINARIES Thinkers and chroniclers, people who survived the agony and people The Chafetz Chaim, The Gerrer Rebbe, Ben Ish Chai, R’ Jacob R’ Binyamin Beinush Finkel, Gerrer Rebbe, R’ Yehuda Zev Segal, who ache for understanding, teachers and philosophers — these, too, speak to us in this book. Joseph, et al. $20.99 $19.99 R’ Dovid Lifshitz, et al. $20.99 $19.99 These fifty-six essays should be required reading for every Jew. THE TORAH WORLD TORAH LIVES They are gripping, inspiring, and sobering, enlightening, informative. R’ Ahron Kotler, R’ Menachem Ziemba, R’ Yitzchak Hutner, Klausenberger Rebbe, R’ Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, R’ Shimon Nowhere else between the covers of one book can one find the R’ Gedaliah Schorr, et al. $20.99 $19.99 Schwab, R’ Yehoshua Silbermintz, The “Noda B’Yehuda,” et al. authoritative voice of so many of our Torah leaders on the Holocaust. THE TORAH PROFILE $20.99 $19.99 This book is not only precious. It is indispensable reading for every Reb Yisrael Salanter, Steipler Gaon, Ribi Yaakov Abu-Hasira, TORAH LEADERS Jew who seeks the Torah Hashkafa ignored by the popular media. Collected from the pages of The Jewish Observer by Rabbi Nisson Skulener Rebbe, et al. R’ Elazar Menachem Schach, Gerrer Rebbe, R’ Avrohom Pam, R’ SEVEN NEW $20.99 $19.99 Benzion Abba Shaul, et al. $22.99 $19.99 Wolpin, Editor. $22.99 $19.99 ✁ ESSAYS ADDED! ORDER DIRECT FROM THE JEWISH OBSERVER AND SAVE! FREE SHIPPING FOR ALL ORDERS OVER $50 QTY TITLE DISC. PRICE TOTAL COST A Path Through the Ashes $19.99 Name ______New, Expanded Edition Shidduchim, Shalom Bayis... $19.99 Address ______NEW! Timeless Parenting $19.99 The Ethical Imperative $19.99 City ______State _____ Zip ______TIMELESS PARENTING SHIDDUCHIM, SHALOM BAYIS, SPECIAL! All 4 of the above save an additional $10.00 $69.96 Raising children in troubled times — AND BEYOND understanding, coping, succeeding The Torah Personality $19.99 Building a Bayis Na’eman B’Yisrael CHARGE YOUR ORDER BY MAIL, FAX OR PHONE Parents and teachers — even those of successful children The Torah World $19.99 Fill in charge information below: — need the guidance of Torah leaders and educators. Rabbi It’s a time of joy and a time of doubt — finding a match The Torah Profile $19.99 ❏ VISA ❏ MASTERCARD Nisson Wolpin has assembled dozens of provocative, inspiring, and building a Jewish home: finding the basherte, shaping a Torah Luminaries $19.99 informative and authoritative articles so these personalities can marriage, perpetuating harmony, handling problems. tell us about raising children, how to nip problems in the bud, Torah Lives $19.99 3 DIGIT CODE In this book, a broad array of gedolim and professionals Card Expires ____ / _____ and deal with them when they fester. meet these challenges head on, offering Torah perspectives, Torah Leaders $19.99 Signature ______$22.99 $19.99 sound advice, and practical guidance — Rabbi Avrohom Pam, SPECIAL! All 6 of the above Rav Shlomo Wolbe zt”l and yblc”h Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, Rabbi save an additional $20.00 $99.94 THE ETHICAL IMPERATIVE Chaim Pinchas Scheinberg, Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon, Rabbi Total $ ______Articles on values and ethics, by rabbinic and lay leaders, from Ephraim Wachsman, and Rabbi Yisroel Reisman among others, Please make checks payable to: The Jewish Observer Postage/handling per order + ______$4.00 The Jewish Observer, including essays from R’ Avrohom Pam as well as such thinkers and counselors as Professor Aaron 42 Broadway, 14th Floor ü New York, NY 10004 and R’ Shimon Schwab zt”l. Twerski and Dr. Meir Wikler, to name just a few! q My order is over $50, Postage/handling: ______FREE Fax credit card info to (646) 254-1600 $22.99 $19.99 $22.99 $19.99 Total enclosed $______or call (212) 797-7394

JO.1.25.06.path through the ashes.indd 4-5 2/1/06 11:02:39 AM JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

Debbie Maimon

A Generation at-Risk Are Bnei Torah in the Workplace Immune? Unanchored in a ben Torah. Now that he’s working, he’s a typical pattern, their connections with Rough Seas eager to succeed on the job and to make the spiritual and social framework that it in the world. once defined them have waned. And with ’nei Torah1 from stable homes and A positive enough picture, it would the erosion of those ties with rabbe’im, fine yeshivos…. “a generation at seem. Yet, countless yeshiva alumni who chavrusos and friends from the yeshiva Brisk”? Surprise registered on faces fit this profile are being cast as a segment world has come a steady drift from the throughout the room at the speaker’s of our Torah community at spiritual risk. Torah lifestyle that was once their moral suggestion that thousands of bright and And as the picture slowly unfolded at the and spiritual compass. personable yeshiva alumni might indeed convention session, it was obvious why. “They don’t belong anywhere; they fall into this category. In a broad sense, the Torah commu- have no anchor,” explained Rabbi Bentzion The venue was the recent Agudath nity in this country is flourishing. Our Shafier from Monsey, N.Y, who is a men- Israel convention. A session devoted to the yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs are filled to tor to scores of working b’nei Torah concern for multitudes of yeshiva gradu- capacity; shuls and batei midrashim are and who addressed these issues at the ates navigating the spiritual minefields of packed. Our communities are overflow- Convention session. the workplace threw light on an emerging ing. Torah is blossoming to an unprec- “It’s particularly true of those who did problem that has not yet made it onto the edented degree, even in locations once not do well in their yeshiva years, those radar screen of community awareness. far removed from any hint of Jewish who never found their niche in learning Consider the following profile: He may identity. Yet, large numbers of working or had difficulty making friends,” he said. have done quite well in his yeshiva career people with a wide spectrum of yeshiva “They drift from one minyan to another and even learned in beis midrash for a backgrounds are struggling with feel- – or don’t bother going to shul at all. number of years. Or perhaps he simply ings of disconnectedness and loneliness. They have no community to belong to. coasted along or “fell though the cracks.” That is because, whether single or mar- They have no rav, no one to ask she’eilos In any case, he absorbed solid Torah ried, these young adults share a defining to, no one to hear a shiur from, no social values and may even regard himself as characteristic —one that presages trouble framework.” Mrs. Maimon lives in Monsey, NY with her down the road. At the same time, having left the pro- husband and children. An elementary school They don’t fit in. tective environment of the yeshiva for teacher for many years, she now devotes True, they identify as b’nei Torah, but in the workplace, they are highly vulnerable. much of her time to writing for various Jewish publications. Her article, “Trials and 1. Except for Rabbi Shafier, Rabbi Leibowitz and Confronted with high-voltage culture Triumphs: Scenes from the Journey Home,” was Dr. Wikler, names and identifying information shock in a world that offers unlimited published in JO, Dec. ’01. have been altered. enticements of the forbidden, most are

40 The Jewish Observer

poorly equipped to fight back. treated as an affront, and that it would It Takes A “Community”… be a smart move to show up for at least a few minutes. n an attempt to address the multiple Few Remain Unscathed Yaakov wanted to ask a rav what to risks and challenges facing working do, but he had no one he felt comfort- Ib’nei Torah, Rabbi Henoch Leibowitz, he coarseness of the workplace, able asking. He decided to make a brief Rosh Hayeshiva of the Chofetz Chaim the decadent lifestyles and vulgar appearance, and arrived at the party late. Yeshivos, envisioned the creation of a Tbehavior take their toll on these Repelled by the drunkenness and loose multi-faceted organization that would young b’nei Torah. In the absence of a behavior, he intended to leave immedi- provide a social and learning environ- vibrant connection with Torah learning ately, but his plans took a detour when ment where these young men could find and a Torah environment, few remain he was drawn into a discussion with a their place. It would be modeled after a unscathed. Surrounded by alien values, co-worker regarding her personal dif- pre-War organization in Europe known many young men find themselves being ficulties. It wasn’t until a couple of hours as Tiferes Bachurim, which catered to the pulled far from their spiritual moorings. later that he finally extricated himself and spiritual needs of young men and boys Some are plunged into an identity crisis. left the party. who went to work. Tiferes Bachurim gave With no one to turn to for hadracha The encounter did not end there…. these young people a structure, nurturing (guidance), it isn’t long before the lower- When he began getting phonecalls from their attachment to Torah through learn- ing of standards with its attendant emo- this person at home, Yaakov’s wife insisted ing and encouraging them to grow. Rabbi tional and spiritual turmoil destabilize he put an end to any and all contact with Leibowitz’s dream was to import this the kedusha and shalom bayis of many a the caller. Yaakov did so, but the incident concept to America, adapting it to meet Torah home. sparked lingering resentment and distrust the unique realities of the 21st century. A few examples: on his wife’s part. Tiferes B’nei Torah, (TBT), founded in *Zev B. landed a job with a graphics • • • 2002 by his talmid, Rabbi Shafier, brought design company, working under a manag- “When a young man has had difficul- this dream to fruition. er who often asked him to work overtime ties in yeshiva, he often longs for the time The organization seeks to create a kol- when they were up against a deadline. He he can try his wings in the outside world,” lel-type setup in the mornings or evenings and Zev would work feverishly for a while, explained Dr. Meir Wikler, a noted thera- for working b’nei Torah with a moreh then the manager would call it quits. He’d pist and marriage counselor. “But often, derech (spiritual guide) at its head, where whip out a bottle of liquor, pour drinks the issues he struggled with in yeshiva young men can learn together and build a for the two of them and slip a videotape follow him into the workplace. It might kesher (bond) with others like themselves. into a monitor in the boardroom, inviting be immaturity or insecurity; it might be That social and spiritual bulwark, tailored Zev to join him in unwinding. difficulty making social connections. It to the needs of a working ben Torah, would Zev would make an excuse and find could be difficulty with paying attention nurture his connectedness to Torah, fortify a way to exit quickly. On one occasion, or dealing with authority or a number of his self-image and identity as a ben Torah, however, he yielded to his boss’s urg- factors together. and stimulate him to grow. ing to stay. He sat through the video, “Whatever the case may be, while TBT, as the organization is known, absorbing images that shocked him. Over in yeshiva, the support system and the provides a wide assortment of learning subsequent weeks, there were similar structure it gives a person cushions him and social programs for working people. episodes. Each time he yielded, he felt sick from the difficulties and gives him a place Beginning with twelve young men four afterward. But it was as if he had lost the where he feels he belongs. That safety years ago, it has already expanded to power to resist. net does not exist in the workplace. In three branches – in Monsey, Queens and Things came to a head when he forgot addition, the potential for failure and the Brooklyn – with a combined membership about an appointment he had with his consequences of failure are far more dire of 400 that is rapidly climbing. wife after work. She came to the office and overwhelming to a young person just In its initial stage, TBT consisted of a looking for Zev, and found him engrossed starting out. dynamic once-a-week hashkafa/mussar with his boss in a video. A moment’s “On the other hand, young men who shiur in Brooklyn that came to be known glimpse of the screen made the color drain did poorly in yeshiva and left with feelings as “The Shmuz.” As attendance built from her face. This is what was making of low self-esteem can sometimes reverse up, the program began to offer a wide him late so often? the pattern by making good on the job,” choice of shiurim in Gemara, Chumash, • • • Dr. Wikler explained. “With success often Navi and practical halacha. It also runs *Yaakov H. found himself in a dilemma comes a surge in maturity and personal an early morning kollel, Kollel Boker, in at the end of December. His co-workers at growth. Young men in this category are Monsey, where young men learn for an the office –all non-Jewish—were throw- often interested in re-connecting with ing a holiday-New Years’s party. Yaakov learning Torah, if only given the chance,” was advised that his absence would be he said.

41 JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

hour before davening. Giving Back higher salary. Looking back, he remem- Shabbatons, Torah retreats, melaveh bers the elation he and his wife felt, how malkas and chagigos provide opportuni- oting the ease with which most much joy went into their plans for the ties for TBT members and their families TBT members embrace the future. to build ties with each other, becoming Nopportunity to reconnect with From Simcha: one another’s extended family and sup- learning, Rabbi Shafier pointed out that We were expecting our third child port network. The Shmuz, now given live whatever investment has been made to at the time. The promotion meant we three times a week, in Monsey, Queens facilitate that revival has already yielded could finally afford mortgage payments and Brooklyn, respectively, still serves as unexpected dividends. “These are young on a house. It was the answer to our the “anchor shiur,” uniting members of men who for the most part have the skills prayers. all the branches and creating a sense of “a and the motivation to grow. Often, it is just As success continued coming my community within a community.” an issue of putting together a program way, I took full credit for it. I worked The shmuzen target day-to-day chal- that enables them to find their place. an eighty-hour week; I hardly ever saw lenges in the lives of working people, When that happens they not only shine, my wife and kids. My job owned me and deal with a broad array of hashkafa they become role models for others.” completely. I was proud of how far I’d and practical issues. They stimulate par- As an example, Agudah’s Project YES come and attributed it to my own skill ticipants to work on tefilla and bitachon, was seeking volunteers for its teen-men- and hard work. become a better spouse, and overcome toring program. At the recent Agudah Deep down, though, I felt an empti- anger and jealousy. They examine ways convention, Rabbi Avrohom Meir Gluck, ness. I didn’t like the person I was becom- to navigate relationships with non-Jewish Director of Project YES, heard about TBT ing. I’d developed a breezy, tough-guy exterior that worked well in the office but led to clashes at home. At the end of Often, it is just an issue of putting the week, I was so wiped out, I slept all together a program that enables them Shabbos. I never opened up a sefer. Plenty of times, if not for my four-year-old’s to find their place. When that happens dvar Torah at the table, I wouldn’t even they not only shine, they become role have known which parsha it was. models for others I was never a great learner. I went through yeshiva more or less robotically. Physically, I made it through the 12th grade. co-workers and sensitive situations aris- and had an inspiration. Here was an ideal But emotionally and spiritually, I checked ing in the workplace. pool of motivated, talented individuals out in 7th grade. I was a guy who needed The shiur serves as a magnet, draw- – why not make a partnership? An alli- extra work and extra help. I had a chip on ing b’nei Torah into TBT’s orbit with ance was formed, and now, many of the my shoulder in those days. My friends and a concentrated dose of learning and TBT members serve as role models to I – we were an immature bunch of kids, inspiration. They jump-start a re-con- their younger peers. we knew exactly what was wrong with the nection with learning and provide a Interviews with some regular attend- system and we couldn’t wait to leave yeshiva range of opportunities for further growth ees of TBT’s programs shed light on what behind us. After graduation, the message I in Torah. has fueled the success of The Shmuz, got from the hanhala was clear: Good bye TBT not only serves young men, but as well as the organization’s meteoric and good luck. recognizes the importance of provid- growth. Through the testimonials, one Since I was a lo yutzlach in yeshiva, ing chizuk and a social network for the glimpses the transformative power of achieving success completely spun me wives of its members. The organization Torah learning on the husband-wife around. You could say it went straight coordinates shiurim and programs for relationship, on the fabric of their home to my head. I now see I was not exactly women, including hashkafa talks, prac- and their personal growth together. pleasant to be around at home. tical halacha classes and melava malka • • • It took a crisis to get me to take a get-togethers. When Simcha* received his first pro- closer look at my life. My father had Rabbi Shmuel Kamentzky, who is motion at SunTrust, he knew the tide had a stroke and his life was hanging by a often consulted on matters that affect turned. He’d landed the bank job at the thread. I was panicking. Around that the organization, noted the great value entry level two years earlier, right after his time, I had made the acquaintance of of building up N’shei groups as part of marriage. His employers took a liking to Rabbi Shafier through a friend, and had TBT’s overall goals. “Tiferes Bnei Torah him. They overlooked his blunders and begun listening to The Shmuz on CDs. has now begun a Tiferes Bnos Torah … were patient while he learned the rudi- The talks captured my interest. They and I am very impressed with the good ments of credit risk analysis. discussed relationships, the pitfalls of work they are doing,” he commented. With his promotion came a much human nature…how to deal with mis-

42 The Jewish Observer

fortune… the meaning of emuna. working ben Torah. He’d be willing to could relate to that…. Week by week I turned to Rabbi Shafier for advice travel in once a week to Brooklyn to give the shiur grew; you saw guys who live as to what I could do as a zechus for my the shiur. Would I be willing to join and on the same block and never even said father’s recovery. Rabbi Shafier set me up recruit a few other guys? “Good Shabbos” meet at The Shmuz and with a chavrusa and we took on to learn How could I say no? Actually, I liked become friends. an entire masechta by Shabbos Chanuka. the idea. I spread the word and we began We’ve already had two Torah We actually finished it right under the with twelve guys, all working fellows with Retreats, one in Kew Garden Hills, wire. It gave me a tremendous feeling of a yeshiva background. The shiur took off and one in Connecticut, to which all accomplishment. with a bang. One of the first shmuzen was the TBT members in Monsey, Queens With my rebbi’s help, I began to re- “It’s Not Geneiva, It’s Shtick.” and Brooklyn were invited. About two prioritize. It was very hard, but I learned It was about the swindling that goes hundred people showed up. People were how to put a brake on my workaholism. on in business under the pretense that amazed at the turnout. It showed some- Today, I leave the office at 5:00 sharp, pulling shtick is kosher, since it’s not thing about people wanting to belong to no matter what’s happening. Strangely outright geneiva. Everyone in the room an organization that has some ruchniyus enough, I expected my salary to take a plunge – I work partly on commission – but that never happened. My father recovered, Baruch Hashem. We were living in Brooklyn then, but as soon as he was back on his feet, my wife and I made the decision to move to Monsey, so that I could join the Kollel Boker. These days, I’m out of the house at 6:30 a.m. Sleeping through the alarm clock is no sweat, but my wife and the clock are on the same side….

From *Daniel, 23: We were living in Brooklyn and had come to Monsey for Shabbos for a rela- tive’s Sheva Berachos. Shabbos afternoon, my wife and I were taking a walk on Rte. 306. Walking right toward me was my 11th-grade rebbi from Rochester, Rabbi Shafier, whom I hadn’t seen in years. We had a very warm reunion and started schmoozing. In moments, my life was an open book. “How’s your job—are you still in accounting?” he asks me. “Yeah. It’s okay.” “Are you learning?” “Well….no. “Why not?” What am I supposed to answer? Years back, I tried keeping a seder, but it fizzled out. I wasn’t learning a word. “Would you like to learn? “Well…I…Sure.” We talk some more and part, with Rabbi Shafier telling me he’ll be calling me after Shabbos to discuss something. True to his word, he calls me up and says he wants to start a one-hour class in mussar and hashkafa, tailored to a

43 JANUARY / FEBRUARY 2 0 0 6

tochen (spiritual substance) to it. had to rush her to the emergency room. for about 20 minutes, followed by ques- We moved to Monsey about a year I knew you’re allowed to be mechalleil tions and answers based on situations after I joined TBT. I’m now a member of Shabbos for a medical emergency, but I that frequently come up on Shabbos Kollel Boker; we learn from 6:45-7:45 in had no idea how, what, when and where. concerning cooking, childcare, meal the mornings. The credit goes to my wife; I just went about it blindly. preparation, etc. she throws me right out of the house. I Afterwards, I felt terrible that I knew We have breakfast together after the feel I’m part of a community, as opposed so little about the halachos involved in shiur: bagels and lox, coffee and cake. to being a loner fighting the yeitzer hara a situation like this. I spoke about this Everyone enjoys it. on my own. TBT is like another yarmulke to Rabbi Shafier and he said, “We need Whether it’s a she’eila of bishul, muk- on my head, guarding me, reminding me a refresher course in Hilchos Shabbos.” tzeh, or any other melacha, we’re slowly of who I am. That’s how the Sunday “Halacha Boot acquiring a working knowledge of practi- Camp” started. cal halacha. At the height of my yeshiva From *Ari, 24: About 20-25 guys come every Sunday days, I didn’t know a fraction of all this. One Shabbos, my daughter fell and I morning at 9:00. We learn Mishna Berura I may have learned it, but it just didn’t stick. Shabbos is different for me now. I feel I have something intelligent to contribute at the table. I can answer some of the hilchos Shabbos questions that come up in the house, and if I can’t, I know where to look it up. I feel my wife respects me more. That’s worth a lot to me.

Can TBT Be Replicated?

he issues addressed by TBT are not limited to any one location, Tbut apply to any community in this country that hosts b’nei Torah, notes Rabbi Shafier. The resources necessary to replicate the organization exist in abundance in many cities. They include yeshiva alumni; a couple of talmidei chachamim willing to say shiurim in dif- ferent subjects; a branch manager who would coordinate the various shiurim and social events; and a dynamic “anchor shiur,” to pull members together under one “umbrella.” It feels better just to talk about it. That’s It takes the far-sighted awareness that why we’re here. Our staff is made up of programs of this nature service the com- caring and sensitive individuals. Together, munity in vital ways, reaching wide swaths we can help you explore your options. We can refer you to recognized professionals of the population. It takes a level of for counseling, legal advice or help in determination to create a revolution of finding a safe environment. We can also sorts, despite the inertia surrounding a put you in touch with some very special Rabbis. But in order for us to reach out to problem whose outlines have just begun you, you must first reach out to us. to emerge. Confidential Hotline 1.888.883.2323 But given the present spiritual vacuum (Toll Free) in the lives of so many young people, and the likelihood that in years to come, 718.337.3700 deprived of a lifeline to Torah and a sense ( N Y C A r e a ) Do it for yourself. of community, they may indeed represent Do it for your children. Shalom Task Force is a 501(c)(3) charitable organization a generation at risk, perhaps a revolution is precisely what is needed. d

44