2 3 4 Are You White Trash? Does the bluebook value on your truck go up and down, d Even some kitties are white trash... THE NERVE HIT SQUAD! INNARDS King Pin (a/k/a Editor-In-Chief) Bradley C. Damsgaard

The Getaway Driver (a/k/a Production Trailer Park Boys p. 15 Manager) Pierre Lortie Right Hand (a/k/a Contributing Editor) Heather Watson Numbers p. 10 Map and Details (a/k/a Art Director) Saturnin Father (a/k/a Visual Arts Editor) Jason Ainsworth S.T.R.E.E.T.S p. 9 Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) Elizabeth Nolan Ed’s Blurb The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics) Pierre Lortie, Saturnin, B. Damage Death From Above p. 11 Wise Guy (a/k/a Illustrator) ell, I gotta say, it actually appears that things in this two horse cock ‘n’ balls town are looking up. With all the NPA fuck-ups on city council Mike O Wturfed and a new mayor who’s established more of a public image in The Enforcer (a/k/a Copyeditor) just a few days than Owen did in his entire time in the mayor’s chair, hell, we Leather Twatson just might be heading into a new year with at least a dime bag’s worth of prom- The Muscle (a/k/a StaffWriters) C O L U M N S ise. Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Mike O, Jeff Oliver, Elizabeth Nolan, addict, Casey We’ve also got some nice lookin’ new live venues on the scene: 303 Live Bourque, Sinister Sam, Jason Ainsworth, p. 6 (Columbia Hotel) and Unit 20 Legion of Vancouver (300 W. Pender) and the Leather Twatson, Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, Civixen (the old Media Club under the Queen E.) … and though we seem Green Room Dmidtrui Otis, Jason Wertman, Bjorn Olson, to have lost The Cobalt (temporarily?) things were going to move to the Balmoral, but apparently that’s not happening now, stay tuned... and we should Angela Fama, Billy Hopeless, Dave Crusty, Tex and Dex p, 26 see shit at the Brickyard picking up with a new promoter (I know, another one, Vanessa Samson but this one knows what he’s doing, trust me). The Cleaner (a/k/a Cover Design) Saturnin It’s rainin’ Men p. 26 I’d like to extend a personal thanks to all the bands who played and all of you Advertising (a/k/a Fire Insurance) rockers and rollers who came out to Festival of Guns last month (who ever Brad Damsgaard thought we’d get to see the Mckenzies at the fuckin’Astoria?) but, yeah, the fes- Intern (a/k/a Baby Face) Ridin’ Shotgun p. 19 tival was a smashing success and I’ll plan to do it all again next year…only big- Gregory Adams ger and louder and with MORE BEER! Check out www.festival- remnants of my former Christmas retail days... my heart goes out... suckers. The Nerve is published monthly by The Nerve p. 11 ofguns.com throughout the year Hopelessness Magazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the for updates. writers and artists do not necessarily reflect those of The Nerve Magazine or its editors. First pub - S E C T I O N S Alright, yeah, stop it, the rumours are lishing rights only are property of the Nerve true, alright? The Nerve is starting a Magazine. The Nerve does not accept responsibil- record label in the New Year. Nerve ity for content in advertisements. The Nerve Records. (catchy name, huh?) “Why do Skateboarding p. 21 reserves the right to refuse any advertisement or I think the world needs another lousy submission and accepts no responsibility for unso - fuckin’ indie label?” you might ask. licited manuscripts or artwork... blah, balh, ablh. Good question. Because it’s insane and Live Wires p. 17 Copyright 2002 I’m a sucker for insanity. Don’t worry, you’ll hear about it when it actually Off the Record p. 20 launches ‘cause I’m gonna throw one CHANGE OF ADDRESS!! hell of a muthafuckin’party. Send Everything to: 508 - 825 Granville St. Fashion p. 13 Just so y’all know, this here, our Vancouver, B.C. D o u b l e - Wide White Trash Christmas V6Z 1K9 Issue, is for both December and 604.734.1611 January. I gotta go to Moosejaw for a Straight 8 p. 22 st weddin’ this Chri’tmas. Expect us again Feb. 1 … BACK on our regular www.thenervemagazine.com monthly schedule. Editor-in-Chief [email protected] Puzzles and Comics p. 24-25 [email protected]

down, depending on how much gas is in it? Do you let your twelve- year-old 5 First Annual Shit of the Year! ongratulations to all this year’s winners. Runner-up: Me – always so brave, so stoic… The Gillian Guess Award for Unrepentant why, you’d almost have thought the networks If anyone wants an official certificate, boys, don’t you want to put a smile on my face? Media Whores of the Year(Local) were endorsing the NPA… buuut of course, C(though I can’t imagine why) I’d be Growbusters. Why not just start your own they still got eviscerated! (Ha ha. Ha ha ha.) happy to Photoshop one up for you. I’m sure Twatson’s Photo-Op of the Year fucking magazine? You could call it Tiny Penis your mother will be very proud. Now, without Even Robin Bougie wrote about this moment in Overcompensation Digest. (TPOD… that Festering Sore of the Year further ado, the Shit of the Year! his latest CinemaSewer. It just goes to show might look okay on a mug.) Woodsquat. I miss the old days in the early 80’s, when the punk squat was centrally locat- Cunt of the Year(Local) The Gillian Guess Award for Unrepentant ed in a nice part of town (in what is now the Jennifer Clarke Media Whores of the Year(International) Granville 7 Cinemas). Sigh… good times. R u n n e r- u p: Tie - Me, Sandy McCormick. PETA. From their base a continent away in Sandy and I are neck-in-neck, so, clearly I am Norfolk, Virginia, these little fuckfaces thought Done to Death Look of the Year going to have to work hard to outcunt her over they were justified in taking out an ad in The The zip-up velour hooded track suit. the next year. But, stay tuned – I am highly Province that contained gory details of the Runner up: The fauxhawk. favoured for the number one position in ‘03, alleged (and reportedly quite heinous) crimes at given that top cunts Clarke and McCormick are the Pickton pig farm – an action which not only Dangerously Close to the Precipice Already now both unemployed. Tee hee. More civic contravened the Crown’s publication ban but, if Look of the Year gloating to follow. it had indeed been published (which it was The fedora. Let’s just restrict the number of clearly not, because we are not a bunch of fuck- guys who can wear them to two (Larry Cunt of the Year(International) ing IDIOTS), it would have certainly blown the Campbell and Jim Green, and even then, not at George W. Bush (and everyone please remem- whole case for the prosecution. So let me get the same time) and keep it at that, for all our ber, Cunt of the Year is a non-gender specific this straight – PETA wants people to stop eating sakes. People start thinking they can get away position.) pork, and they think the way to do that is to with fedoras and suddenly there is all this R u n n e r- u p: Jonah Goldberg. Spawn of that if you expose your breast in public to a contaminate the largest serial murder investiga- creepy Remington Steele energy in the air. Lucianne Goldberg, perhaps the most univer- world-famous porn star, you too can receive tion this country has ever known and thereby Trust me – no onewants that. sally-loathed profiteer in the Clinton impeach- passing mentions in smutty local magazines! risk letting that mulleted reptile Willie go free. ment scandal. Right-wing gasbag Jonah wrote a (Remind me again, why am I not being invited Yeah, well, excuse me if I don’t phone for a Accidental Martyrof the Year nasty cover article for the National Review to more parties?) membership package. Philip Owen. The victim of Machiavellian (Friday Nov. 8, 2002), a magazine that is home machinations who happened to finally get on to other right-wing gasbags. The cover head- Bartenders of the Year Stand-up Broad of the Year the right side of one important issue (and, con- line called Canadians “Wimps,” and he basical- Erik, Mike D and Lucia @ the Side Door. Ann Livingston, the Mother Teresa of the DES veniently, did so on film). Hey, that’s politics, ly went on about how totally useless we are as Because like flowers in a garden, each is a thing Demimonde (organizer of the Vancouver Area Paco. Sure, it’s a bitch … but don’t expect a a country. I would just like to take this opportu- of unique beauty. Network of Drug Users, seen in Nettie Wild’s fruit basket. nity to invite Jonah to come to Vancouver and documentary “Fix”). read his article – whether at Restaurant of the Year / Runner-up: Jamie Lee Hamilton (founder of To all my friends out there in Nerveland: the Cobalt Annex (the Spa of the Year/ Salon of G r a n d m a ’s House, a Balmoral), the Roxy or any of the Ye a r / Shop of the place of refuge for sex Happy Hanukkah, Eid Va n c o u v e r’s finer late-night Year workers) Mubarak, Happy establishments or legion halls None. You see, if anyone in (and Jonah, while you’re here, town had been as nice to U n i n t e n t i o n a l l y Kwanzaa and Merry you really shouldn’t miss me as the aforementioned Infotaining A d Crit’mas. We made it “The Wolf” in Maple Ridge – bartenders, they’d be see- Campaign of the Year through another year they’d get a kick out of the ing their names here right The “PowerChoices article, and as Michael n o w, wouldn’t they? 2002” drug awareness without incarceration, Moriarty knows, they do mean ( T h e r e ’s always next “puzzles” running in p regnancy or serious that literally.) year… remember, I like recent supplements to parties and free items! Suck the Vancouver Sun. liver damage. (There’s Overrated Media Vixen of up to me and your shit Anybody who can always next year!) the Year could be next year’s Shit of incorporate “metham- Watch www. t h e n - Tamara Taggart, CTV’s the Year!) phetamine” into a word “weather Mormon” – there search is fucking aces may very well be big jugs in Riot of the Ye a r (N o t in my books! I like their there somewhere, but y o u Instigated by Brian spunk, their unnecessary use of schlubs will never see ‘em! Salmi) “quotes” and I think we can all Runner-up: Angèle Yanor, The Sun’s “kiss- The G’n’R riot. Way to go, Vancouver… you agree, there is no more “power- ervemagazine.com for some and-tell Mormon” – she may very well have haven’t lost your touch. ful” choice than good, strong surprises while you wait for our next issue in sex with her dates, but you schlubs will never methamphetamines! read about it! Schadenfreude Moment of the Year February, and, in the meantime, write to me at Herr Puil tastes the boot leather and loses his Insidious Advertising Technique of the Year [email protected] — be the first Underrated Media Vixen of the Year seat after 26 years clinging to power like a crab The NPA civic election ads that employed the Kate Galliford, VPD Missing Women’s Task to a pube. Ha-ha… everyone hates you! Rot in same voice-over actor that does station IDs and to actually send me fan mail!! So, until next Force – she’s always so brave, so stoic… boys, hell, shit stain. programming announcements for one of the year… keep it evil, kids! don’t you want to put a smile on her face? major local networks. It was so subliminal,

6 daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids? Do you ever wonder how servic WHAT A MISERABLE PRICK SANTA CLAUS IS

Jolly old St. Nick, my ass. day to put together cheap plastic crap of the year, I was the fat, jolly guy for Ronald McFuckhead, but I can’t that everyone loved. The rest of the That whiny bastard is about give my elves free room and board in year, I was a violent, abusive, miser- as jolly as Mike Tyson on exchange for some work done able drunken elf-molester with a his first day in jail. around the pole. What’s this world fondness for whips and antlers. I hid coming to? out at the North Pole, terrified that Forgive my sacrilege, but I’m in such And if it’s not the corpo- the truth about my life would be miserable shock I can’t think rate lawyers riding my ass, it’s the revealed. But I’m not afraid any- straight. This year, as always, I sent animal rights activists. In July, I was more. I’ve laid it all bare in my tell- out my wish list to Santa Claus, and raided by the Animal Liberation all autobiography, Jolly No More: A was waiting excitedly for Christmas Front. I woke up one morning to find Life of Ho-Ho-Hopelessness. morning, when I would unwrap my the fence around my property It’s off to the talk-show cir- Life-Size Transgendered Barbie destroyed and eight of my reindeer cuit for me. Don’t forget to buy my Blow-Up Doll (36-16-36-9!). Boy, missing. Of course, those little eco- book, which will soon be a straight- was I surprised to receive this form pukes didn’t realize that domesticat- to-landfill docudrama starring Dom letter from the North Pole: ed reindeer can’t survive above the DeLuise, titled Santa Doesn’t Live Arctic Circle without their cute little Here Anymore! Good luck kids, and To the children of the world, reindeer scarves, and the dumb ani- good riddance. mals froze to death within 48 hours. The only one who didn’t flee was (Signed) Thank you for your sweet letters. As Rudolph, and it turns out that the No longer desperate for always, it’s the children of the world freakish red lump on the end of his your approval, who have made my thankless task snout was actually an inoperable can- Santa. tolerable. Unfortunately, despite my cerous tumour. Of course, that didn’t I could have dealt with the How are those shifty little trolls sincere desire to continue the tradi- stop the vet from trying to gouge me Well, there you have it. I’ve got just medical problems, if only dear old gonna survive without me? The ones tion of Christmas, I will no longer be by asking for three hundred bucks to two words for that sorry sack of shit: Mrs. Claus had been around to com- who aren’t already getting bitch- able to fulfill my obligations. Yes, have him put down “humanely,” but boo hoo! Cry me a river, you snivel- fort me. But in February, she filed for slapped in prison are probably whor - my dear children, I’ve been forced I’m no sucker. What’s more humane ling cunt! Excuse my language, but divorce and slapped me with a law- ing themselves to pay for drugs. All out of business. Christmas is over. than a shotgun blast to the side of the I’m a little pissed off. First, my par- suit demanding half of everything I I’m left with are the ones who are too I know you are too young brain? Total cost: two bucks. ents dump me, then I find out there’s own. That means half of your toys, insecure to leave, and they’re all to understand, but let me try to So, you see, it’s been a no God, then I realize that I’ll never children, and you can bet all the addicted to glue. It’s not a pretty explain. It all started last year when I rough year. But don’t feel sorry for grow tits, and now this! I just can’t Halloween candy in the world that sight, believe me. returned from my rounds suffering me… there’s a silver lining to all this. take any more disappointments. If she won’t be hauling her ass around Not that my elves would be from diabetic seizures. Although I I hit bottom in October and was final- you’ll excuse me, I need a good, long the globe to deliver them. She’s prob- able to help me now. In April, I was appreciate the endless supply of milk ly desperate enough to seek profes- rest. I’m going to call that 1-800 ably already pawned them for a frac- forced to shut down my toy factory and chocolate chip cookies every sional help. Two months of intensive number on the side of the Tylenol tion of what they’re worth. by the governing body of the NAFTA Christmas Eve, that diet was destroy- therapy have helped me get to the bottle and find out just exactly how My old lady wasn’t the committee. It seems that under the ing my health. I became completely root of my problems. I realize now many pills I need to take to induce a only one bored with the North Pole. rules of Free Trade, having an unpaid lactose-intolerant, and my chronic that I’ve always suffered from an deep (but non-fatal) coma. Good Those damn elves have been desert- army of elf labour is looked upon as obesity was causing gout and high obsessive need for approval. I’ve night everyone, and Merry fucking ing me for years. The lucky ones got “protectionism” of the entire blood pressure. It seemed to affect always done everything I could to be Christmas! those juicy union jobs on the oil rigs, Christmas toy industry. Apparently my brain, too, as I started to enjoy loved by my adoring public. Then I but the rest of them just ran off to the it’s legal for some godless commie to Tony Danza re-runs. As you can see, would cover my inner emptiness big cities looking for adventure. Hah! pay a nine-year-old kid three bucks a I was really sick. with self-destructive habits. One day Andreas Ohr SP AM : It’s Not a Disease, It Just Tastes Like Dog Meat y mama never fed me Spam. No (president of Hormel Meats) found his ware- between moonlight and radioactive chemi- There are the everyday groupies, like the ever Spam burgers, Spam loaf, chili house all jammed up with left over pork cals? popular “Spamettes,” and the “Spam-Fisted MSpam, Spam-on-a-stick, fried Spam, shoulder meat. He rang up a buddy of his - 85 to 95 percent of Spam is made Butchers of Jazz.” Then there all the people or Spam sandwiches in my lunch bucket. (German canning expert Paul Joern) to work from pork… specifically the trimmings of a in Spamclubs, like the “Chesapeake Bay Needless to say, since entering adulthood, I out the details, and the rest, as they say, is p i g ’s shoulder and ASS. We mustn’t forg e t Spam and Crab Society.” And lest we forg e t , have not felt the urge to acquire a taste for the S p a m s t o r y. the “candy” element mentioned earlier, as there are also celebrity Spam enthusiasts. s t u ff. But, since Christmas is coming and I - Before the grassroots formation of well as that old standby Sodium Nitrate, a Gloria Estefan is allegedly a big Spam lover. have about two dollars in my savings the underground “Fellowship of Spam,” and real can-do ingredient that acts as a preserva- A p p a r e n t l y, she once swore an oath on her account, I want to feel the holiday spirit, too, before the glory days of the Spam Museum in tive inhibiting bacterial growth. It also gives m a m a ’s Coca-Cola glazed Spam loaf. even if I can’t afford no fucking Eggnog “Spam Town” (in fucking Alabama or some- Spam it’s perky, pink colour. Without it, the Fuck this shit. Now that I think Lattes. I figure chocolate Spamcakes ought to w h e r e ) [Austin, Minnesota – Ed.], the shit’d be brown. about it, I’d rather chew poinsettias or smoke do the trick. Spammobile, and spin-off products like So, now that I’ve gotten to know it moldy marijuana leaves than swallow a fuck- I don’t know why I’ve never canned ham, Spam found much of its fame while the little cakes fry nicely in the pan, ing piece of hydrogenated pig’s ass. I’m browsed Aisle 1 of the BuyLow before, but during the war years. If my grandpa was who, besides me, loves Spam? We l l , beginning to wonder if I might just have a bit with a toonie burning a hole in my pocket, alive, I’d ask him how he felt about the stuff . Alaskans, for one… also Hawaiians and too much free time on my hands… this was like the canned meat equivalent of He’d probably tell me that during the Second Koreans. Koreans treat it as a delicacy, I sup- Emily Kendy the 7/11 candy section. Ironically, I’ve been World Wa r, God only knows what the fuck pose ‘cause they gotta import it, or whatever. w w w. s p a m . c o m told that Spam tastes so good, “it’s like eating would have happened to the allies if it junk food.” I suppose that could be because w e r e n ’t for Spam. Not only did those brave t h e r e ’s nothing i n Spam except sugar, salt young soldiers digest the miracle meat in a and fat, the building blocks of good can, they found other uses for it as well taste. Seriously, how bad (put t h e s e in your SAS manual): can it be? We l l , - Spam’s fattiness made it an have a fuck- excellent skin conditioner, gun lubricant, i n g and waterproof dressing for leather boots, tents and matches. - When sliced, Spam proved to be an ideal set of playing cards, needing only a bit of ink scratched on the surface. According to one sol- d i e r, the cards actually lasted through the winter and into early spring. - An empty can of Spam made an excellent light source, although don’t ask me to explain the logistics of this one — I can only imagine it seat and has to do with the moon. An interesting side let me t e l l you how bad. note: it is nearly impossible to tour Spam factories in the U.S., due to “legalities.” I - Spam was invented in the 1930s… think this is being a bit overcautious… I on May 11, 1937, to be exact. Jay C. Hormel mean, what do I know about the diff e r e n c e service stations keep their bathrooms so clean? Does the Halloween pump- 7 It’s a Fucked Up World, Chi-Chi...

he thing about Vancouver is, the rain can actually hung up on John Allen Muhammad women. In their December issue, entitled “The drive you crazy. And that’s why we like when he phoned them to give tips on how they 3) Smoking Bad Weed Wildest Sex Tricks You’ve Never Heard Of,” Tit here. Once you come into the mouth of should catch him. At least they were able to get I used to think that tall people were really they suggest that you 1) put your face in his November, your head won’t be right until April. an episode of “CSI:Miami” out of it a mere gross… the way their big limbs flop around and armpit and smell (“the pheromones will drive But right now, you’re stuck in your apartment three weeks later, with David Caruso getting all the horrific smell of their gigantic feet, and how you wild!”) 2) pull your own arm hair and 3) and it’s raining for the 17th straight day if you’re really short they will put their eat a cupcake while you masturbate (no really, and you can’t do anything because you’re drink on your head when you stand next to this is true). Mothers, cancel your daughter’s goddamn broke. Read a book, I say. Light them at parties. Then one day I realized I subscription immediately and get her one to yourself on fire. There are worse things probably would have gotten a lot further in Bizarre magazine instead. you can do. life with bigger thumbs, so now when I see Sometimes I just sit around and a tall person, there is an uneasy truce 6) Safe Injection Sites trying to understand things I don’t. Like between us. In a city where a $30-40 flap of heroin (the gunfighting in Bethlehem. Or why I can’t going rate anywhere else in Canada) is a verita- meet a boy who doesn’t have herpes. 4) Baby Mutilation ble bargain at $10, why would anyone be Most of all, I like to write down these Generally, I’m all for mutilation. But there against a place where addicts can talk to nurses issues that weigh on my mind and organ- was something very wrong with the mall- and counselors and be closer to resources for ize them into neat lists. Then, I tackle my girl I saw getting her newborn’s ears help? These are places that are statistically sock drawer! pierced. Shouldn’t you let the kid decide? proven to hugely reduce the number of over- Shouldn’t there be an age limit…like six doses in a city and raise the average age of 1) White Trash weeks? I mean, it’s not exactly painless. users. Why would anyone protest a place Sure, it’s great to think you’re white trash But then, in our society we encourage par- where addicts can go and feel like someone if you didn’t actually grow up poor and ents to slice the end of their infant boy’s cares that they don’t shoot up alone and die in had to get the $7 haircut in the mall at penis so he spends the early stages of life a doorway? A “shooting gallery” isn’t like an Magicuts. You don’t even have to be with his little mound of a dick in a baby opium den… it’s like a doctor’s office with white… it’s just that we cling so desper- bandage. metal counters that gives out free needles to ately to any kind of cultural heritage. But stop the spread of HIV. it’s not all heavy metal and beer and bingo 5) Magazines Whut Make You Stupider Maybe if society treated addicts bet- and monster trucks. White trash is cheap I don’t have cable, but I will come to your ter, they wouldn’t want to go in the alleys and shoes. Fake wood panelling. First graders house and watch your t.v. like a whore. punch holes in their arms with dirty needles. with mullets. Count Chocula. The smell It’s so dirty and gross. Some magazines But shit, I just live here. of grandma’s ass in her polyester pants. are like that too — glossy tabloid bits of Cheez-Whiz. T.V. trays. Chinese spit tor- corporatized pop culture, based on shallow T.Dawg ture. Are you feeling the Christmas spirit standards of wealth and beauty. Generally yet? I enjoy them, like US Weekly (revelations Teresa “T.Dawg” McWhirter’s first novel, puffy and macho (“Screw yoooooou!” “Take from their Oct. 28/02 issue included “Guy Some Girls Do (Polestar, 2002), is in stores 2) The DC Sniper him downnnnnn…”) But what I liked most brows! Who plucks! Who Doesn’t! Who now and would make an excellent Christmas Another ugly statistic churned out of the during the manhunt was all these guys from the looks like a Warlock!” and “Hot-to-Trot Tots! gift. cesspool of America — final total: 10 kills, 3 military and ATF saying that this guy was “giv- Celebrity Kidspotting!”) wounded. Further proof that the average citi- ing snipers a bad name.” Like they’ve ever had But sometimes they give bad advice, zen can do better police work than anyone in a good name. (“This is my new boyfriend, the most egregious offender being Jane maga- law enforcement. The DC Sniper Task Force Ron. He’s a sniper!”) zine, with their pseudo-feminism for young

8 kin on your porch have more teeth than your spouse? Do you ever have to go out S.T.R.E.E.T.S.

Skating totally rules — everything boarding. Like, in the early 80’s, skating and punk rock else totally sucks. Despite what that went hand in hand. acronym suggests, Va n c o u v e r’s Mike: Even the Bad Boy Club S.T.R.E.E.T.S. realize there is more revolution sparked it all. Cory to life than skateboarding. was sponsored by BBC. H o w e v e r, the free spirit of the J: It’s a matter of whether you lifestyle shines through in every- want to be pro or if you just want thing they do. One of the hottest to fuckin’flow. local acts of the past couple of C: I didn’t think that skateboarders a n y - years, James (guitar, vocals), were into punk rock anymore, but m o r e Johnny (guitar, vocals), Mike (bass, we’ve got so many friends that are — we’re vocals) and Cory (drums) have wicked skateboarders and they listen to all paying for kinds of music, but at the same time, though, a jam space made every show a party with their punk rock still grabs them. now — and I friends, whether they’re playing think that’s had J: And it’s the intensity, the anti-authority and an effect on us, clubs or basements. Heavy on ‘do your own thing’element which is in skate- know because we’re taking crowd interaction, their sets have boarding, too. a b o u t things a little more seriously. also been known to include a skate the album? Not that it’s necessarily a good C: I don’t even listen to much “punk rock” any- thing or a bad thing. session in the pit. The band sat more, but it’s always going to be part of my per- M: There’s kind of a theme. down with us after their Festival of sonality. C: Even though it was just a year ago… those Johnny: The album [came from] three really were our salad days [laughs]. Guns performance at Pat’s Pub, and J: What was the name of that band we listened wasted and really stoned nights that we don’t while we talked about more than to tonight? even really remember. Jo: But S.T.R.E.E.T.S. is eternally a ‘party and curb grinds and kick-flips, you b a s e m e n t ’ s h o w. T h a t ’s everything that C: Captain Beyond. J: It’s a lot different than the last album. S.T.R.E.E.T.S. represents right there: all of our could tell they still had skate in the friends in our basement at Georgia Street. heart. J: Captain Beyond! They’re a great skate rock C: There’s two guitar players on this record, band. which is different than the first record, so Random drunk guy: Can I say something? Nerve: How long has S.T.R.E.E.T.S. been there’s wankier guitar stuff. S.T.R.E.E.T.S.! That’s what’s happening. You around? N: Does it ever seem confining to have to don’t even know, son. S.T.R.E.E.T.S. have been alwayswrite about skating? M: Lyrically, it’s based on the Georgia Street waitin’ mad long and the shit is comin’ off James: S.T.R.E.E.T.S. has been around… in house, which you’re very well aware of. backside boneless, whatever. Who cares? the form that it is right now… since February of J: No, because you can relate that to every- S.T.R.E.E.T.S. is like “talk to your face!” Fuck this year. thing. Skateboarding can be about everything. N: For those who don’t know, what was the Georgia Street house? that shit… you know what I’m sayin’? N: The band is about skating and punk rock. C: Not all of our songs are about skateboard- J: I agree with him. That’s all that really has to What else is there? ing, though. M: Basically I’m sure everyone has had one of go to print. these in their hometown: a punk house with a J: In life? M: I agree with Greg, though. It’s kind of the half pipe in the backyard, a jam space in the N: You guys haven’t played much outside of thing where our name is S.T.R.E.E.T.S., we can basement, a print shop. We put on shows all the Vancouver. Are there any plans to take this fur - Cory: You’ve got to eat sometimes, which is never live it down that we’re a skate rock band. time. Eventually we got evicted and we just had ther? unfortunate because that’s expensive. I feel confined in that aspect. a crazy party with all of our friends. We had launch ramps in the living room. And then the C: Once this record comes out, we’re going to J: And you have to try and live freely and try to C: At the same time, we all skateboard and all cops came and basically beat up 200 people. It’s get our shit together and get a good vehicle. take advantage of everything you can in life. of our friends are skateboarders. It’s part of our kind of an anti-authority album. lifestyle. Not every song is about skateboard- J o : S. T. R . E . E . T .S. exists in San Francisco. C: Punk rock and skateboarding are just fac- ing, but with everything we do, skateboarding C: Not only that, but Georgia Street was a There are bands there that are like our super tions of a lifestyle. Basically, if you’re into fits in somehow. Everyone we hang out with house where we all hung out. It’s where bros. either one of those things, there is a culture has that in common, so even if it’s just a song S.T.R.E.E.T.S. formed. We all live in different behind it and it definitely forms a mindset and about a party where everyone is drinking, houses now and we don’t really have a hangout C: They’re like our doppelgangers. a way of thinking. everyone still has their skateboard with them space like that anymore. So, it’s always going and we have a stupid curb session while we’re to be legendary in our minds in a way, because J: There’s going to be a tour in the spring. J: … which is all about freedom. really wasted at three in the morning. of what it was to us at the time. It’s always going to be this punk house that will be roman- M: Ok, can you print this in bold? Who’s driv- C: It’s just about doing what you want and not M: However, I always feel that there’s going to ticized by us forever. ing the van tonight? being conventional. Those two things on their be people out there that think we’re a joke band Gregory Adams own aren’t really anything, but it’s what those and ridiculously die-hard into skateboarding. I M: I think that just by us not having this space two things do to a person. mean, we do love skate culture, but the lyrical content is more towards life nowadays. N: Of the two, skating and punk rock, which came first for you? J: It’s growing. It all comes together. If it’s a part of your life, then it seeps into other parts of C: For me, skateboarding. I started skateboard- your life. ing, and that’s what introduced me to punk rock, when I was in junior high school. I’d C: Even if we start writing songs that have probably be working in the suburbs in a ware- nothing to do with skateboarding, there’s house had it not been for skateboarding. It pret- always going to be skate in the heart [laughs]. ty much saved my life. M: Skate in the heart, for sure. N: Back in the day the two were very inter - twined, but are punk rock and skateboarding N: Your next record is going to be put out by still as important to each other today? Global Symphonic. Have you guys written or recorded that yet? J: For us they are, but not for a lot of people. I think a lot of people think of skateboarding as a J: It’s been recorded and is ready to go. sport, like football or downhill skiing. M: We’re just waiting for our artist to finish. C: It depends on what kind of a skateboarder He’s been working on it…. you are. There’s skateboarders that are little kids that just got into it within the last couple J: For fifteen years and it’s of mammoth pro- years from watching television and playing portions. It will be done within hours. In thirty- Tony Hawk Pro Skater , and there’s people that six hours our album will be ready to be sent off have been around forever. Even if they’re not to the album-making machine, wherever that is. super into punk rock now, it’s definitely been there, because it’s always been a part of skate- N: Is there anything in particular we need to go outside to get something from the fridge? Do you have flowers planted in a 9 i n g . does humour play in Numbers? “Numbers are here – guaranteed to wreck E: A big role. We’re into having fun your body,” “a surefire recipe to get and not taking ourselves too serious - E : asses on the dance floor.” Vancouver ly. I guess the isn’t really known as a dance city, so exciting thing is when what exactly can we expect… and N: There are some pretty interesting the audience is dancing and what do you expect out of an audi - noises and bleeps on Numbers Life. I getting into it… getting drunk and ence? heard that you created a homemade acting like idiots and stuff. That’s synthesizer… what is that about? really fun. That happened in E: It seems like when people are Shreveport, Louisiana, believe it or drinking and are right up close and E : I built that. It’s called the not… Orlando was pretty fun, too. the stage is low, it gets really fun. “Buzzerk” and I made it out of People start dancing and have a real- buzzers. I found these metal buzzers N: You guys are on the Paws Across ly great time. I guess if they haven’t in an electronics store one day and America Tour and you have a couple heard us before they’ll need to stand they have a screw on the back that of records out on Tigerbeat6. I guess back and get used to it. I don’t really allows you to adjust the tone on they’re mostly known as an electron - expect anything specific out of them. So, I was like, “hey, these are ic label. Numbers is a little more tra - Vancouver [laughs]. Just to be nice! instruments!” So, I put them in a lit- ditional, instrument-wise. How do tle box and added some circuits to you fit into that scene? N: The lyrics are pretty simple and to make them pulse, and the “Buzzerk” the point. Why are they written this was born. E: There are some common atti- way? They almost seem over-simpli - tudes. The laptop guys have more of fied. N: What does Numbers mean to you? a D.I.Y. aesthetic than your more pol- ished electronic musicians. I think E: I think that’s the real scene of the E: The name itself? that Numbers has some electronic band in general: simplified drum- influences like Kraftwerk and beats, keyboard parts, guitar parts, N: Yes. Suicide. Those are the biggest influ- and the lyrics. It’s neat when you do ences on us. Maybe we’re using a lit- that because you get a lot of spaces in E: We had a really hard time coming tle more traditional instrumentation the songs. To us it just becomes more up with a name. Eventually we were to make electronic music… I don’t interesting. Ly r i c a l l y, when you just looking at the backs of records of implicity is the secret behind Numbers Life and a split 3” CD with know [laughs]. make it really simple, you just sug- bands that we like and looking at San Francisco’s Numbers. With fellow disco-punk band Erase gest ideas. You don’t really want to song titles that would work as a Sjagged guitars plinking two- Errata). Numbers’ Keyboardist Eric N: Considering that this is more of a give the details, and people can make name. That came off of a Kraftwerk note melodies, simplistic keyboard Landmark had no shortage of things package tour, has the reception or it mean what they want. album. We wanted something unspe- beeps and basic drum beats, the band to say to The Nerve…. the overall feel been different than cific. Something that was so amor- focuses less on the technical aspect past tours you’ve done independent - N: Is there more to it than what we’re phous that you can’t really define it. of performance and concentrates on Nerve: So where are you guys right ly? hearing? what seems to be more and more now? N: What’s in the future for Numbers? important in today’s disco-friendly I found these metal buzzers in an electronics E: It’s not really political, punk scene: getting people to deep or heavy but there are E: I guess the next thing that’s com- shake it on the dance floor. The store... they have a screw on the back that allows themes that we bring up that ing out is the vinyl version of b a n d ’s sense of humour comes we think about. On the seri- Numbers Life . Then there’s a remix across as faux-seriousness, with you to adjust the tone... I was like “Hey, these ous side we have the one record. A bunch of people have done Kraftwerkian lyrics (like “num- song “We Like Having remixes of the songs on Numbers bers, letters, information” and are instruments!” ...and the Buzzerk was born. These Things,” about being Life, which is pretty neat. There are “doors are closing, so please stand the ‘consumer’ and being three new songs and three live songs clear of the doors”) coming off as part of the giant machine. You go to that will come out on CD/LP on goofy slogans. Ironically, the shot- Eric: We’re in Brooklyn. E: This tour was set up by Kork the store and you pick your product Troubleman Unlimited. Other than gun marriage of the cold aesthetic of Booking Agency, so it’s been organ- and whatnot. Then we have other that, sometime in the spring I guess electronica with the amateurishness N: How’s the tour going? ized and really awesome. It’s been songs that are more silly, like “I just we’ll try to get another full-length of garage sound makes Numbers one much more professional than our sprained my ankle and it was painful out. of the more challenging bands of E : Pretty cool. We’ve done two first tour with Coachwhips, who are / Laughing because it was so t o d a y. They are currently on the weeks of shows through the South. friends of ours. We booked all that at painful.” Gregory Adams Paws Across America Tour with We weren’t quite sure how that was various underground warehouse-type electronic acts like Cex and Stars as going to go, but it went well. places. It’s a different feel, but it’s N: Well, you do have the odd semi- Numbers play The Pic Dec. 9th, with Eyes, under the auspices of San still fun. serious song, but for the most part, C e x, Stars As Eyes and S e c re t Francisco label Tigerbeat6 (who N: Did anything exciting happen? your music and lyrics come off as Mommy. have released Numbers’ full length N: Your bio keeps bringing up danc - l i g h t - h e a rted and silly. What ro l e

10 bathroom fixture in your front yard. Have you ever lit a match in the bathroom Death From Above: Duck and Cover! What’s in a name? Often a name’s spazz-core ensemble Femme Fatale, for which Grainger power is what draws people’s inter- also plays drums. est, just as it labels a band with a “There’s a movie certain image. For Toronto’s two- that just came out called piece arsenal known as Death Femme Fatale , there’s a Velvet Underground song From Above, their name, along called Femme Fatale, there’s with their debut EP’s title, Heads an 80’s band called Femme Up! (Ache), alerts the music mass- Fatale… but no one can copy- right a common slang word or es that they are under attack! phrase. If they want to trade- “It’s a pretty powerful term in its mark it, they have to change it scene or bad break-ups. scene, whether or not I still want to be present- original sense,” says vocalitst/drummer some way or change the spelling. Like, no one Grainger says the lead-off track, ing music to the same group of people I have Sebastien Grainger of their moniker. “It literal- can trademark ‘hey, how’s it going.’ It just ly means ‘we’re coming to get you from above “Dead Womb,” is a partially tongue-in-cheek been for the past 10 years. It seems people on won’t work.” look at the two twenty-somethings’search for the West Coast will be more receptive to what your head, and you’re gonna get hurt.’” While Grainger and Keeler play in Death From Above have recently more than what they can find at nightclubs. we’re doing than people are over here right both bands together, the dynamic between the “That song was written after being in now.” come into some problems with New York two is much different in Death From Above a club one night looking around, and all I was Breaking out into new scenes is record label DFA, which also stands for Death than it is in Femme Fatale. From Above. Both Death From Above’s are seeing was coke sluts. I’m looking around and important for the band, who are trying to avoid “The other members of Femme thinking, ‘do I want to have a relationship with being lumped into the same category of bands doing different things, with the Toronto band Fatale have nothing to do with the writing of being a tight, abrasive punk band conjuring up someone like this?’ We’re getting on in our as Femme Fatale. “We’ve been offered shows, the songs;” says Keeler. “It’s better in some years. We’re not old men, but we’re starting to but it’s always with the same core of 4-5 sounds similar to The Stooges and The White senses, because it lets them focus solely on Stripes. DFA New York is the current hype think about what we are looking for in part- bands,” says Grainger. “I think we’re trying to playing live. They don’t have to worry about ners. We’re looking for quality. Someone who get away from that. I don’t even think it’s label pumping up remixes for nu-disco bands writing songs. But with Death From Above like Brooklyn’s The Rapture. Regardless, con - spends their time slutting around and snorting appropriate for Femme Fatale to be playing we’re writing the songs together, so it’s half of coke… those aren’t qualities that we’re look- with a lot of those bands.” flict and confusion over the two has reached each of us instead of Sebastien performing my the point where local label Ache is receiving e- ing for in friends or partners.” Death From Above is also trying to parts.” “I guess we’re kind of surrounded by get away from any performance similarities mail from a reporter at To r o n t o ’s Shift Whereas Keeler writes and records Magazine regarding DFA, which with the a lot of shitty people and a lot of sluts,” says between them and Femme Fatale. For their everything for Femme Fatale with Grainger Keeler. first couple of shows, they wore matching Toronto musicians have no involvement. playing drums live, the various duties in Death Death From A b o v e ’s upcoming white suits, similar to Femme Fatale’s brown “Seriously, we can just fight with the From Above are approached as a collaboration. record label,” says bassist Jesse Keeler. mini-tour of the West Coast — which sees Scout uniforms, with clear plastic masks. Since Grainger writes lyrics, while Keeler writes the then, they have decided to boycott the match- “Maybe arm-wrestle them for the name? It’s bass lines. Both are in charge of arranging their them playing Seattle, Victoria, and twice in really silly, and people point it out to us too, Vancouver — gives them the opportunity to ing outfits. “It was an idea carried over from songs, a process Grainger says is easier for Femme Fatale,” says Keeler, “but I don’t think but if you don’t want anyone else to use your get away from some of the shitty people on the Death From Above than Femme Fatale. we feel that this is necessary for Death From name, don’t use an already recognized slogan. “Communication is better. You don’t have to East Coast. But some may wonder why the Death From Above is the paratrooper motto for Above. It’s not appropriate. Femme Fatale is deal with other people’s ideas, and you just band is coming out West so quickly after only more of a spectacle, so it’s important to dress the American Army, and maybe the Canadian have to deal with two heads thinking, instead playing their first couple of shows this past up like that, but Death From Above doesn’t Army too. I was just in an Army surplus store of five or six.” looking at coats and saw it on a shirt and said summer. need it.” Keeler says living in the same house “The opportunity just came up and Death From Above will be making a ‘shit, that’s a good name!’ Not too much also makes practicing and writing easier for the thought was involved.” coincides with the release of the record, which name for themselves Dec. 5 at The Piccadilly two. “Since we live together, Death From is officially being released in B.C., since that’s Pub and Dec. 8 at Mesa Luna. Keeler thinks that despite the mix- Above is always just seconds away from prac- where Ache is from,” says Grainger. For more information, go to up, it should be easy for people to sort out ticing.” which is which. “It’s not like we’re running before h t t p : / / w w w.deathdeathdeath.cjb.net or Heads Up! was conceived and writ- we know how to walk,” says Keeler. “We’ve http://www.acherecords.com. “Death From Above in New York is ten over the course of a year, and is reflective a label, we’re a band. We’re both from differ- played so many shows — maybe not as Death of different situations that the two encountered From Above, but as Femme Fatale — and I Gregory Adams ent countries. It’s pretty obvious that they’re during the making of the record. All of the different things.” don’t know if we feel that the scene out here songs deal with relationships, whether they are will be that receptive to us. So, we’re trying to Keeler has also come across the falling-outs between friends within the music same problem with his other band, Toronto rethink how we’re going to approach the music HOPELESSNESS BY BILLY HOPELESS

Merry Shitmas, hearts and aces - Billy Hopeless

oom and your trailer exploded right off its wheels? Has your wife’s hairdo 11 Catch the Game @ 340 Cambie, Vancouver 604-602-0644

12 ever been ruined by a ceiling fan? Did you have to remove a toothpick for your If You Can’t Be Naked Fashion... Nerve Style

It may be the only store in Vancouver where a woman can buy a beautiful vintage jacket, a dildo, red sequined pasties, custom designed rock T-shirts and locally made jewelry. Kiss is located near the corner of Main and Broadway. You would think it couldn’t be missed with its bubble gum pink façade, but because it’s sort of pushed off to the side, a lot of people walk on by… they may never know the potential good times of a love swing and furry handcuffs. “My location is kind of out of the way but I get a lot of young people,” said Kiss owner Trasa H. After being open a year and half it is still a word of mouth kind of place for urbanites who seek retail alternatives. The mixture of sex toys and fash- ion is fun and it makes sense because clothes encourage the carnal yearning, so why not have something like a big pink vibrator around to deal with if anything should come up? Trasa doesn’t think sex toys should be hidden away in the backroom like a dirty little secret. “They should be more mainstream,” Trasa said. Not only is she wise about sex toys, she also has exqui- site taste and a schooled eyed when it comes to picking vintage. She finds a lot of her pieces at garage sales or at second hand stores on Vancouver Island. Trasa also works with reconstructed vintage and she has a massive collection of 70s and 80s sun- glasses and belts. Kiss also features items by local designers, such as Sonia Venus’s signature puffy hats and medieval chain medal jewelry by Manu. In terms of square footage Kiss is small but with regards to the vintage items it’s good because you don’t have to weed through a lot of shit to find the gems. Trasa has already done that. It leaves extra time to skip through one of the store’s “how-to” sex books. “I want to have a few really good items that peo - ple know they can find here, “Tr a s a said. If those good items are sex and fashion, they’ll find it at Kiss.

Niki Graham Photos: Taylor Martin

your wedding pictures? Has your f ront porc h ever c o l l a p s e d , 13 Bubbles (Mike Smith) with a couple kitties T R A I L E R was also in a band, and he just phoned is the size of the camera and the size me up one day and told me that they of the crew. The cameras we use are were making this independent feature just Sony DVcameras… but they’re for the film festival called ‘Tra i l e r really small… so that allows Mike to Park Boys,’and asked me if I would shoot quickly. We have a really small do location sound on it… which I did. cr e w , so we can pick up and do a So, I was probably goofing around on whole unit move in about 5 min- set there, as well…. utes… whereas if we shot on film, Ne r v e : And he caught a glimpse of you’d have to light [the set] and it Bubbles then? would really slow down the process. M i k e : Yeah… and when it got Just the nature of the show is to have picked up as a T.V . series, Mike said, that sort of COPS look to it. There are “h e y , why don’t we write that charac- a few reasons…. it’s a lot cheaper and ter into the show?” I was like, “all we improvise a lot, so instead of right.” [laughs] changing mags on a film camera, we Ne r v e : Did you have any hesitations? can shoot two hours and then just pop Had you done any acting before? another tape in. Mi k e : No, I’d never done any acting. Ne r v e : How much time is spent on an I definitely didn’t have any hesita- ep i s o d e ? railers, guns, chicken fingers, inside lowdown on what we can Mi k e : No, nobody specifically. He’s tions. I really had fun on Trailer Park Mi k e : We shoot an episode in about hydroponics, dope smokin’, expect in the new season. Be advised: probably a mix of a few of people that Bo y s the movie, and I’d been working 4 or 5 days. Tcars missing doors, swearin’, the following is best enjoyed with a would have been around where I in film doing sound for about a year Ne r v e : Just how much of the show is jail time, amateur “adult films”… rum and Coke and a coupla pickled grew up. I don’t know really, defi- or something like that…. I always im p r ovised? And how much of the these are just a few of the things one eg g s … . nitely not anybody specific. kind of toyed with the idea of acting, im p r ovised footage is used in the final can expect in what is probably the Ne r v e : Wh e r e did you grow up? but I’d never done any prior to that. ed i t ? craziest, most original, no-holds- Ne r v e : Bubbles is one of the most Mi k e : I grew up in Thorburn, which Ne r v e : Did you know John Paul M i k e : There are scripts that barred Canadian television show ever original characters Canadian T.V . is about 2 hours North of Halifax. Tremblay [Julian] and Rob We l l s Showcase wants to see before we start produced. If you haven’t seen the has seen in a long time. Who is Ne r v e : So you’ve lived in Nova [Ricky] before the film? shooting. We shoot a scripted ver- s h o w, make a point to do so Bubbles, and where did he come Scotia for most of your life? Mi k e : No, I met those guys during sion, a scripted take, and then we usu- (Showcase – channel 39 – Sundays at fro m ? Mi k e : Oh yeah. I’ve lived here my the movie. ally shoot a few takes of each scene, 9 pm). Regardless of whether you Mi k e : [l a u g h s ] It was a character I’d entire life. Ne r v e : Maybe this is more of a ques - but we’ll shoot a scripted version and love it or hate it, you will have borne do for a joke. I used to play in a band Ne r v e : Trailer Park Boys was origi - tion for the direc t o r , but, the show is then it’ll start to loosen up and then witness to the beginning of a new called Sandbox and when we’d tour, I nally a feature length film in which shot in a reality T.V . type style… is it we’ll do a couple of “anything goes” type of Canadian broadcasting… and used to goof around a lot on the tour you didn’t act, but are credited as an intentional parody or a statement takes at the end… and it’s usually it ain’t exactly pretty. The Nerve bus and stuff… so that’s probably being a sound tech. How did that of some kind about the reality T.V . those that end up making the cut, just recently caught up with T.P. B . ’s Mike where he evolved from. ha p p e n ? tre n d ? because they’re a lot more real. Smith (who plays Bubbles, “the Ne r v e : Is the character based on Mi k e : I knew the director (Mike Mi k e : I think [the way the show is Ne r v e : It must be a lot of fun working sharpest guy in the park”) to get the anybody that you know? Cl a t t e n b u r g) from the band days… he shot depends on] a lot of factors. One with a director who’ll let you do that.

14 killing all of your dogs ? If you ans wered “y e s ” to 2 or m o R P A R K B O Y S Mi k e : Oh yeah, Mike is all about improv. He the top, which is great. I haven’t met too many Ne r v e : The character Ray [Ricky’s dad on the loves to just change things on the day. He’ll people who didn’t like it… I have met a few show] has a line in one of the episodes that calls notice something and say, “Why don’t we do who — like you said — they just don’t get it. I Bubbles “one of the sharpest guys in the park.” this?” And it’ll be something completely dif- know some people down here who work in the Do you agree with that? ferent than the script. And that is usually the film industry who don’t get it. They say stuff Mi k e : I do, actually. Just because, I mean, if st u f f that comes across as the best stuff. like, “Well, it doesn’t look right” [or] “it’s not you look at it, Bubbles looks out for Ricky and Ne r v e : Th e r e is a definite Canadian identity to shot well”, and all this kind of stuff… . Julian. He immediately knows if something the show. Alot of people that I’ve talked with Ne r v e : But that’s the point… is n ’ t right. He knows the difference between have commented that they’re reminded of old Mi k e : Yeah, it’s just going right over their right and wrong more so than Ricky and Julian. SC T V stuff… Trevor and Cory are like a new heads. Ne r v e : Is there a lot of acting going on with Bob and Doug McKenzie. What Canadian T.V . Ne r v e : Does Bubbles get a lot of mail? Robb in that role? I mean, I’ve seen some has influenced you as an actor? Ne r v e : Yeah, I do. Alot of mail and a lot of e- behind-the- scenes footage, and I really could - Mi k e : I was a big Bob and Doug fan, for sure. ma i l . n’ t tell the character from the man. I think everybody was. [For me] it’s just a lot Ne r v e : Do they write to ‘Mike Smith’or are Mi k e : No, it’s a lot of acting. I mean, he is a of the Canadian comics… I think Canada has they addressed to ’Bubbles’? lot like Ricky in certain ways, but Robb is actu- definitely the best comedians; John Candy, Jim Ca r r e y , Mike Meyers… those are some heavy- weights. I‘ve always been a huge fan of come- dy . So, I think I was probably indirectly influ- enced by all of those Canadian comics… but, Canadian T.V ., I don’t know, definitely SC T V … I used to watch Kids in the Hall a fair bit, but there really isn’t that much in terms of Canadian comedy shows. I mean, Air Farce and those shows... I just don’t, you know… Ne r v e : Yeah, you have to go back a ways to get the gold. Mi k e : Yeah. [laughs] For sure. Even Th e Be a c h c o m b e r s was a good show. Ne r v e : Your show is pretty quirky… is it being shown in the States at all? Mi k e : Not yet. Not of f i c i a l l y . I mean, there are a lot of people getting it off of satellite and stuff, but it’s not airing down there of f i c i a l l y . It is in Australia, though, on Comedy Central. We’ r e trying to work out a deal with one of the U.S. networks to get it on down there because I do Mi k e : Pretty much both. I get a lot of e-mail ally very intelligent — he isn’t stupid like think it would do well down there. I spend a lot [sent] to me, but there is also e-mail that comes Ri c k y . That whole part of the Ricky character of time in the U.S. and there are a lot of in for Bubbles. I don’t know if they are serious, is definitely acting, but he does have a lot of Ri c k y s … . but they’ll say stuff like, “Sorry about your shed similarities to Ricky in other ways. Ne r v e : Especially down South… burning down... that wasn’t right what Ricky Ne r v e : Mannerisms and stuff? Mi k e : Yeah, in the Southern U.S. there are a lot and Julian did…” It’s a fact that there are a lot Mi k e : Yeah, stuff like that. I think Robb pulls of Rickys walking around… a lot of Bubbleses of people who think that the show is real… that off amazingly. He just kills me every time walking around too. It definitely has a we’ve met many of them. And you don’t real- I do a scene with him. Luckily, I can’t see him Canadian identity to it, and we wouldn’t want to ly want to te l l them, you know, that it’s just a through the glasses. I think if I could see him, change that just to get it on in the U.S. MTV show… because… you don’t know what they I’d crack up a lot more. were interested in it, but immediately they were might do…. Ne r v e : So, you don’t normally wear glasses? wanting to eliminate the guns…. Ne r v e : Sounds like a bit of a Star Trek phe - Mi k e : No . Ne r v e : And the swearing? nomenon going on…. Ne r v e : Do you get headaches? Is it difficult to Mi k e : Yeah, a lot of the swearing and the Mi k e : You saw the movie? act with those glasses on? guns… but it just wouldn’t be the same. Ne r v e : Yea h . Mi k e : Yeah, I do get headaches. I think I’m Ne r v e : So, where do you think the popularity in Mi k e : Well, Rob and J.P. (the guys who play starting to get more used to it now, which is a Canada comes from? There are lots of differen t Ricky and Julian) were over in P.E.I. drinking little scary… but, yeah, they’re real glasses, very powerful, really thick… they’re -19.75 or something. We’ve tried everything to try and But, there were a few hostile people in the make it so that I could see, but it just doesn’t work. The gag is to have the big eyes… and park… people who’ll just fuckin’ barrel right th e r e ’ s no other way to do it. I went to an eye su r geon this year before we started shooting through the middle of the scene and not give a and he assured me that I couldn’t alter my fuck if they hit anybody. vision [using them], and that all I’d get are headaches. So, I usually just pop ‘em on… I people watching and liking the show. one night and a guy tried to hire them to kill a usually don’t wear them in rehearsals (not that Mi k e : It ’ s pretty weird, actually. We meet dog. And they thought he was joking around so we do a lot of rehearsal), but I just pop ‘em on everybody from kids to elderly people who are they went along with him and he actually left before the take, do the take, and then take them fans of the show. It’s a bit of an odd thing. I the bar, went to the bank machine and came off . think, generally, if you’ve grown up in Canada, back with the $300 and was going to get them Ne r v e : Can you see enough to walk arou n d you inevitably have known somebody similar to whack a dog the next day that was barking in during a scene? to Ricky, Julian and Bubbles. I mean, I knew the neighborhood. They were like, “Man, we Mi k e : Or i g i n a l l y , I had to count out my steps, probably ten guys or more that were exactly do n ’ t ac t u a l l y kill dogs for money.” It’s a bit of and if I had to pick anything up, I had to count like Ricky… and I knew a bunch of guys who an odd thing. and plan ahead. I think my brain is adjusting to were like Bubbles and a bunch of guys who Ne r v e : The film was quite a bit darker than the the depth perception, because I can pretty much were like Julian. The Corys and Trevors are sh o w . function with them on now. I went to the everywhere… I guess that’s what it is… it’s Mi k e : Yeah, we took it in a slightly diffe r e n t Geminis with them on and left them on for the closer to real life than some of the other shows direction for T.V . And there’s some story con- whole thing. that are just watered-down and stuff. I mean, tradictions there… Bubbles would never let Ne r v e : Wow… so you have some blurry mem - we couldn’t believe that we got on the air for those guys shoot cats for a living. [laughs] ories of that night? the first season. And we surely didn’t expect to Ne r v e : And the cocaine use has disappeared in Mi k e : Yeah [laughs], in more ways than one. get a second season. the T.V . series. Was that a censorship thing? But, I’ve driven with them on, and this year Ne r v e : It ’ s one of those shows where you get it Mi k e : I’m not sure. I think Showcase had a bit Bubbles has a go-kart., so I was driving that a or you don’t. And you love it or hate it. I mean, of a problem with the open use of cocaine. An d lot this summer with the glasses on, rippin’ I don’t know anybody who’s seen the show and I think it was partly our decision too, because I around. Yeah, Bubbles has a go-kart with a big just said, “Yeah… it’s ok a y. ” think maybe it just wasn’t as funny a thing to do Mi k e : I’ve never heard anybody say “yeah, on T.V . In a film, it’s a different thing… that show’s all right.” The people who do like cocaine on T.V . is just… I guess it would be it are absolute fanatics. Our fans are really over pretty funny. [laughs] see TRAILER p. 27

m o r e of thes e quest ions , then youus t might be tras h! 15 16 their version of “Manic Depression”, that it But some- Ramores keep rocking. It’s good drinking could possibly be a good idea to bring them thing was wrong with photo: Jason Wertman fun. Nothing like the gushing of home to Mom and (no t because) they are the the people who orga n i z e real blood on Hallowe’en night. greatest band in the universe. NoMeansNo boast shows at Dicks. I Mr Underhill followed, confidence and experience on stage. arrived at about 10, and and their creepy, Misfits-inspired NoMeansNo tell dirty jokes. NoMeansNo also somehow managed to gothic rock was a tad more appro- tell long-winded stories that can only be grasped totally miss the opening priate for All Hallow’s Eve. I’m by the brilliant of mind. NoMeansNo also have act and more than half liking these guys more each time I the power to unleash a fury of low-ended musi- of New Tow n ’ s set. A see them. Their songs are getting cal force that no other band has the capacity to mere 15 minutes passed so much better sounding, and their de l i v e r . Silver-haired frontman Rob Wright will before NoMeansNo appeal has finally evolved past the look up, eyes flashing devilishly, and delve back were on the stage and sex appeal of gigantic front man into some hellishly-inspired bass groove, and the whole thing was Nim Vind crooning Misfits covers whether you’ve heard it before or not, it pos- over by 1. It’s like they (although he still manages to draw sesses the power to leave you mesmerized until wanted to make it hard in all the young girls, and I ain’t the end of the set, even after two encores. for a guy to get drunk or complaining about th a t ). The high- Brother John will utter some snide remark in the something. Like I’m light of the night was Evil Live. calm between awesome percussive flurries of gonna sit in a lineup Think the Misfits minus the mus- drummingness, as lefty guitarist Tom Holliston while NoMeansNo’s cles and devil locks. They had dry looks on like his existence on this plane of reali- playing. C’mon. Wh a t ’ s ice smoking, fake blood flowing, ty is merely a delusion. NoMeansNo’s long- up with that? an open mike to sing along, and a anticipated annual appearance did not disap- Cowboy Tex A s s boot to the head if you didn’t know point. The band was in fine form, despite a few the words. Also good drinking fun. errors in synchronization from the starting gun, I still haven’t gotten the fucking and they were debuting some original material, Evil Live fake blood off my jacket though.... apparently heard by no other audience before us. Mr Underhill Cowboy Tex A s s New Town Animals “Y ou hear it first, you hear it the worst,” chided photo: Jason Wertman one of the brothers Wright, as they launched into the Ramores a song they called “In Her Eyes.” All was well @the Pic Hot Hot Heat No M e a n s N o throughout the hour-long set, which included two Halloween Night 2002 Dismemberment Program New Town Animals encores. I like the Ramones. I love the The Dirtm i t t s Mo n e y S h o t Ramores. The Ramores are a Engine Down @Richards on Richards th great band. They don’t write Commodoreth Ballroom Wed n e s d a y , Nov. 6 , 2002 songs, and they don’t really Sat. Nov. 9 play the ones that they play all Pathos, Fusion Jazz, Grandmas… that well, but I live for the hap- Ah, another exciting night at The Commode. NoMeansNo is a band that is like no hazard, clumsy chaos that Already fuming ‘cuz I got stood up by some ot h e r . They exist in some sort of limbo ensues when Seany Ramore prick AGAIN, I had to wait in line for over 30 grey area between hardcore and con- (W h a l l e y , BC’s reincarnation of mins., even though I had a ticket! There was temporary jazz wankery, referred to as Joey Ramone) grabs the micro- some sort of “incident” the cops were dealing ‘p u n k ’ because they really don’t fit into phone. It’s spectacle-type enter- with — if anyone out there knows, tell me, ‘cuz I any other category. NoMeansNo play tainment really. He’ll drunken- never figured it out. Stood in line ag a i n for their incredibly long songs. They play songs ly stagger into the audience and mandatory coat check, then a 7$ drink, and that if done by any other band would far up onto the closest table, and although it was not yet 11:00 pm, I missed the exceed the attention spans of the aver- you’ll go, ‘yeah, rock on!’ wh i l e first 2 bands. Un f o r t u n a t e l y , Dismemberment age concert goer. NoMeansNo manage shaking your head, thinking, Program was no t one of them. Perhaps 10 yrs to attract and grasp the attention of an ‘this could only end badly, ’a n d ago when I loved Fugazi, I would have felt dif- odd mix of fans: hippies, punks, nerds, then he’ll come brutally crash- cowboys… NoMeansNo make wild ing to the ground and get back claims, like Jimi Hendrix ripped off No Means No photo: Dan up on stage all bloodied and continued over

17 th Hot Hot Heat so let’s hope their success it was almost the real thing. Bassist Jamie WAS Fr i d a y , Nov. 8 , 2002 photo by Casey Bourque do e s n ’ t spoil their charm the “Sailor Man”. I was transfixed… so busy & sincerity. Hot Hot Heat ra w k i n ’ out and singin’along, that the pictures I No one was ready for Rye Coalition’s show, are poised to challenge took were pretty shite and it was over waaay too including singer Ralph Cuseglio. The other Nickleback as are soon, although they wisely ended with “Good members of the New Jersey 5-piece kicked into C a n a d a ’s most famous He a d ” . I overheard a fellow asking drummer “Switchblade Sister: One Tough Nun” too early rock export! I always find Eddie Big Beers, “WHO ARE YOU GUYS???” for the visibly angered Cuseglio, catching him it a bit taxing going to and although he was oblivious to the fact they of f guard. After finishing their second song, shows @The Commode, were a cover band only for the evening, he knew Cuseglio (an unlikely, brawny front man looking and my night started off a truly great thing when he heard it. I felt like I’d much like Jim Belushi’s caricature of Joe ba d l y ,but HHHeat turned witnessed one of the fucking coolest things I Cocker) yelled at his band mates, shouting it around & made it worth- could’ve seen in North America that Hallowe’en “you’re playing too fast… get it together!” wh i l e . ni g h t . The band became more focused as the Casey Cougar Oh yeah, and BC/DC headlined. night went along, throwing kung-fu high-kicks They’re a much better than the average AC / D C with as much precision as they put into their per- cover band, but I cannot lie, I was spent after the formance, pulling together ten or 12 songs that BC / D C Ex c e s s i v e s ’ set and found myself too busy check- found a middle ground between Fugazi and Th i n Sedated ) ing out more costumes. BC/DC sounded great & Li z z y . While the rest of the band seemed to have ...continued The Excessives( were focused on the music rather than the look, no problems, Cuseglio had more to deal with. and so all my AC/DC freak pals were really With the base of his microphone stand breaking The Cobalt st Thurs, Oct. 31 , 2002 im p r e s s e d . Ho w e v e r , I’d already gotten what I re p e a t e d l y , he made the best of the situation by fe r e n t l y , but they shamelessly lifted riffs straight wanted & far more than I coulda asked for. strutting around the stage, swinging the top half out of “Bulldog Front” and “Waiting Room,” and Casey Cougar of the stand like an angry Freddie Mercury. in the most bland way. I went back outside where For the last few years, the dominant trend on Hallowe’en seems to be cover bands, and I can’t The bulk of the set was off their most I belonged, then hung out in the bathroom, run- Hot Water Music recent album, On To p, including set-closer ning into friends & making some new ones. think of anything more appropriate. Do n n i n g my Miss Piggy costume, I caught the bus Ri c h a r d ’ s on Richards, “H o n k y , Please!” The song — which mixes both When Hot Hot Heat took the stage, I Oct. 28, 2002 math and classic rock in a heavy, epic song struc- wondered if they had the strength to headline (A L WAYS a trip on Hallowe’en) down to the Cobalt, arriving just as Sedated, a Ramones ture — should’ve been the perfect end to their such a big show, especially since they’re appar- I stood amongst a hundred twenty-year-old guys night; however, as an ex-hardcore band now ently the “next big thing”. Newly signed to cover band, started their set. I was too distract- ed by everyone’s costumes to really watch, but in mesh baseball hats and hoodie sweaters. Th e y turned ironic rock stars, they had to succumb to War n e r , there’s an exorbitant amount of hype and chanted along with the band and bobbed their the temptation to do an encore, “Thanksgiving pressure to live up to, and the boys pulled it off in they sounded pretty bang on. Ho w e v e r , you gotta understand, I had an agenda of which they heads with each breakdown. Each one was Day for Cats.” The band’s final song, a cover of an admirable way. They oozed confidence, absorbed by the music feeling the every emotion AC / D C ’ s “Whole Lotta Rosie,” was well done whether from all the touring or from the knowl- were not a part. Next up was my reason for attending: of the band. Nothing about the songs pulled me — Cuseglio impressed me with his near-p e r f e c t edge that hey can now quit their day jobs. Th e y in or turned me on. I just stood and stared at all Bon Scott vocals. looked and sounded sooo sexy, and I think gui- Van c o u v e r ’s Excessives, dressed up as Oslo, No r w a y ’ s dirty denim demons, Turbo Negro! I these guys having the time of their lives. Th e y Po r t l a n d ’ s Federation X weren’t espe- tarist Dante Decarlo has the best ass and biceps in were the kind of guys that like to party as long as cially bad, but they seemed to have a slightly less rock right now. Most of the tunes were from waited breathlessly through billows of smoke as they finally emerged, ripping into “Apocalypse things don’t get too out of control. Three beers is interesting rock edge to them than Rye Coalition. their current album “Make up the Breakdown” a weekend and anything more could make you The three-piece had a similar approach, but just (with which I’m not yet familiar), but sounded Dudes” — what else could they start with? Th e i r costumes were ultra-authentic copies of Tur b o act silly. None of these people were thirsting for di d n ’ t seem energetic or enthusiastic about play- like a natural progression from their “Knock oblivion. It was all very suburban. It was as if in g . Knock Knock” EP(I still can’t stop listening to Ne g r o ’ s denim + military fetish meets ‘Vil l a g e Pe o p l e - o n - s p e e d ’ st y l e . They added Jak Uzi’s Mom and Dad had handed them money for their Locals The Witness Protection it ! ) . They’re similar to The Cure, without being ticket then exclaimed to the neighbors, “I like the Program seemed to keep promising to play “just a knock-off, and less depressing. The highlight Chris Jones on guitar for the evening (as one axe clearly would not do, no matter how feverishly boy going to the concert because it keeps him a couple more” after each song, but managed to for me was “5x out of 100”. This is my favourite from hanging around on the streets”. This cozy play about nine or ten blasts of noise, which had song, and considering the reaction they got, most Jonno played). Vocalist Trevor has one of the throatiest singing styles in Van c o u v e r , but toned positive vibe drove me nuts… just clean-cut rock them flailing all over the stage and into the everyone else’s in attendance, too. The band and roll with no quirks or mistakes. At most con- crowd. looked overwhelmed & moved by our adoration, it down perfectly for the occasion. Turbo Negro have never been to Vancouver but I gotta tell ya, certs, you are there to worship and be enter- I hadn’t seen Black Rice since last tained… the only things these kids seemed to be wi n t e r , and they hadn’t impressed me. One year worshipping were sobriety and conformity. and a new bassist later, I was won over by their Drive Like Jehu-meets-Jesus Lizard dynamics. With their self-released CD having just come out, Black Rice is defi- nitely one of the bands to look out for in Van c o u v e r . Gr eg Ad a m s Po w e r c l o w n The Brickyard Halloween 2002 Guess what I did for Hallowe’en? I decided to check out Powerclown at the Brickyard, who headlined a The Excessives (as Turbo Negro) bill featuring three bands. In photo: Casey Bourque case you don’t know, In rock, loud guitars and semi-articu- Powerclown are from Vancouver and are known late expressions of emotion are the status quo. for covering Iron Maiden songs from the period They are the two-car garage of rock. I say go fuck between 1978 and 1986. Singer Dixie Dianno yourself with that stuff. I like hearing about took his name from original singer Paul junkie rock stars snorting elephant tranquilizer. Di’Anno. Well, this was the gig of all retro gigs, They do hard drugs so I don’t have to. All the and I went strictly in honour of my metal buddies guys in this crowd might have been saying to from way back whenever. themselves “it’s really impressive the way the An uneasy mix of Hallowe’en fun and guitar solo matched the tone of the lyrics,” and gig lethargy filled the air, and I was definitely one maybe they get off on that shit but I sure don’t. I of the oldest in the crowd as the audience want to see reckless abandon… someone getting mouthed off Dianno before he’d even launched crazy and wild. One of the guitar players from into his first song. Hot Water Music broke a mic stand, but that was- When Powerclown finally stopped lip- n’ t because he was going wild. He just fell over ping off the crowd in the void, those members of when he tried to get a fan to sing into the micro- the audience that were still able to hold them- phone. Afterward, he gave us all thumbs up like selves up got down to the beat. They opened with a soccer coach that was proud of us for showing “W rathchild,” and I’d forgotten what a big metal such hustle. anthem that was, taken from Ki l l e r s — the last of Hot Water Music was tame and easy to the Maiden albums Di’Anno sang on. I was ini- en j o y . Like everything about suburban life, the tially scared to let on that I knew the songs, but show was designed not to challenge anything. As you can’t escape all that metal over the years, and long as nothing challenges us, we can get fat and soon I was banging my grade 8 head. The band dye our hair with the ease and convenience of a was mostly awful between songs… bantering too garage door opener. much and acting like knobs. Matt Whalley But, it was all the classics: “Running Free,” “Powerslave,” “Revelations,” “Flight of Rye Coalition Icarus,” “Number of the Beast,” “The Tro o p e r ” Federation X and “Hallowed Be Thy Name” — these were Witness Protection Program good light entertainment, but “Phantom of the Opera” nearly sent me into a spasm. The guitar Black Rice intro is still awesome, and it is possibly one of the The Piccadilly Pub best ever rock anthems from the same so-called

18 British Invasion that gave us Def Leppard. It all at the Silvertone. Not so much Vib r a t o r , but Th e pl a y e r , and maybe a rea l dr u m m e r , instead of a memories of the glory days of the crossover era. came to an end with a tribute to “all the First Golers?!? Apparently this was the heaviest show drum machine (or at least add some sub-bass to Deathgrind (Zuckuss) with Hardcore (Dissent) Nations out there,” as Dixie and the boys ran for ever at the Silvertone, and it was very strange to the drum machine). The guitarist in this band and punk (Young Offenders) makes for an awe- the hills. see so many metal heads and crusty punks there. had a few good riffs, but, generally that “E power some mix of genres at one show and I wish this Mathew Burrow s The Golers opened the show and chord to G power chord” repetitive chugging is would happen more often. delivered the expected tight, fast and furious overdone. The Young Offenders were on first crossover thrash that I’ve come to expect. If Hard Luck Band played next, and I and were better than I expected. The singer, The Weekend you’re familiar with the Accused, D.R.I., just noticed I’m missing a few pages of my notes. As h t r a y , said their influences are more poppy The Rumours Di s c h a r ge, and Demon System 13, then you’ll Luckily booze only slightly affects my memory punk-type bands, but TYO aren’t a pop punk have a good idea what these guys are like. I (ha ha). Speaking of booze, if you’ve never seen band… they’re fast, raunchy and a bit sloppy. The Organ, think this was the first time I’ve ever seen a mosh HLB, they shoot SuperSoakers filled with Ap p a r e n t l y , it was their first show and they were Piccadilly Pubrd pit in the Silvertone. The sound at the front of whiskey and tequila into the mouths of their drunk, but TYO reminded me of Rancid, Minor November 23 , 2002 the stage was good, but the sound from the back audiences. HLB is hard rock with punk and Threat and Black Flag (except the crappy cover of the bar was really excellent. The Golers also metal overtones, and yes, they are a drinking of “All I know is I don’t know nothing,” or what- I had never before seen The Organ, so I thought introduced some newer material that mixed some band. They were a lot heavier this time, com- ever it’s actually called). it would be an especially appropriate accompani- black metal, grind and crusty punk together. pared to the last time I saw them (over a year Dissent play old school hardcore the ment to their intoxicating sound if I arrived alone Wicked set. ago). If you like drinking and good heavy rock, way it was meant to be: mean, heavy, angry and and in a rotten mood. It was tough, but I man- Vibrator played last. With only two HLB is lots of fun. Every show they do has a fa s t . Dissent are comparable to stuff like aged to make it happen. I tried my best to drink bands, it was a pretty short show. I was told that drinking competition. At this particular show, Agnostic Front, old Sick of it All, No Innocent solo in a corner, but the entire place was packed this is the first review that Vibrator has ever had. the reigning champion, “The Champ” (a/k/a the Victim, Negative Approach and other East Coast with record industry people. Ap p a r e n t l y , girls are I find that kind of strange since I would say singer from Cum Soc) retired his belt, probably hardcore from the mid-eighties. They also had a the new Sweden! The Organ played some heart- Vibrator are in the same vein as Tool, only better. in an attempt to save his liver. kick-ass song against Gordon Campbell, and it’s wrenching tunes and ended their set all-too Vibrator also made use of some stage show Zi m m e r ’s Hole is a crazy experience: always good to see political shit in punk (a big qu i c k l y . They played one new song and it was antics, namely that their singer sang the first half pyrotechnics, a singer dressed up like Satan with reason why I got into punk and hardcore myself). maybe two point five percent more complicated of the first song from inside a box. This is the a fake cock that pours out Vodka and 7 Up (I sure There should’ve been a bigger mosh pit for than their other songs, but just as nicely depress- kind of stuff I’d probably listen to while smoking hope it’s fake), and a giant block of cheese Dissent, but at least there was one. Sean, the ing. Their set was so perfect for the sombre a big bag of dope with some friends. Wic k e d (“metal” cheese) that floats down from the ceil- si n g e r , handed out double-salted European black mood I was in, that when they finished, I bought Clutch cover, though. ing and is filled with beer that they give to the licorice to anyone hardcore enough to eat it. their little 6 songs for 6 bucks CD and caught the An excellent high energy night… audience. Musically, ZH are a mish-mash of var- Yum m y . They finished with some Ag n o s t i c bus home on the same transfer I came with. ho w e v e r , somehow I ended up at some lame raver dance party. Where the hell did everyone ious metal styles — thrash, death metal, classic Front covers, including “Victim in Pain”. So r r y , Brad. I know I was supposed to review else go? metal, power metal, etc. — usually all within the Wic k e d . the whole show, but I really couldn’t. Here is Stefan Nevatie same song. Lyr i c a l l y , thematically and theatrical- Headliners Zuckuss rocked with their what I would have written, had I stayed: Th e ly , ZH can only be called “Comedy Metal.” ZH usual tight, super-technical grind death metal. I Rumors are hot and wear slutty outfits and play Zimmer’s Hole also make use of other well-known riffs from think some times they might be a little too tech- rock and roll and Louise has an awesome voice. other bands like Sacrifice and AC/DC, but with nical for non-musicians, but still, they’re so fast The Weekend are poppy and sing a song that has Hard Luck Band changes to the lyrics. and intense that those that can’t follow what the these lyrics: “My eighties rock star / They won- Snuff Maximus Over all, a killer show, except the fight music is doing can at least be blown away by the der where you are / Wish you were here with me St u d e b a k e r ’s th at the end. I don’t who started what or what it sheer ferocity and speed of it all. Again, my / And not out on the street.” Can you see how Sa t u r d a y , Oct.26 20 0 2 was about, but please, people, keep your redneck notebook is soaked in beer. I guess that’s what this would have been detrimental to my delicate shit at home. happens when you mosh with a beer an d try to frame of mind? [See what I have to deal with? Fi n a l l y , a chance to see the infamous Zimmer’s Stefan Nevatie take notes. Ed . ] Hole. Every other time they’ve played, I’ve Jesse, the drummer, managed to puke Jenni Nelson either been playing somewhere else, broke, or si x times during Zuckuss’s set, and I know what out of town. Zu c k u s s th a t ’ s like — adrenaline overdose. Zuckuss fin- Sn u f f Maximus opened the show, and Di s s e n t ished with a halfway cover of Iron Maiden’s Vi b r a t o r well, I’m not the kind of guy who puts down “Power Slave” (they stopped before the solo). The Golers bands just because they’re not my thing, so I The Young Offenders And for those who ain’t up on their Star War s @ The Silvertone wo n ’ t shit on these guys too much. S.M. are rap The Cobalt trivia, Zuckuss is a bounty hunter on board Sat. Nov. 9, 2002 metal. I like metal, I can to l e r a t e ancient rap, but Fri.Oct.25th 2002 Vad e r ’s super Star Destroyer in The Empire mixed together, they’re like oil and water, in my Strikes Back. It was very, very surprising to see a show like this opinion. Some constructive criticism: get a bass Seeing these 3 bands at one show brought back Stefan Nevatie. R I D I N ’ S H O T G U N

When forced to decide on a vehicle Skylark and the Thunderbird), my meet her folks, cause he’s from the to feature for this month’s theme of God, these cars got ugly. You can other side of the tracks and her fam- “white trash,” I realized there are buy one for $500 in Langley and the ily’s grocery list consists of Cheese just too many choices. The responsi - money you save in price you’ll end Whiz, pink icing and Coca-Cola. ble journalist in me thought the best up spending entirely on gas. When Mmmmm. thing to do would be to let you you are going over the Granville # 6 . F i n a l l y, the true no- decide which one you will wear the Bridge and there is this clonking old kitsch-value-attached white trash crown as “royal ride of white trash beast of a beater beside you, (inci- mobile… it is in no way cool to emu- s o c i e t y. ” The first conundrum dentally, the only colours that sur- late, but it is damn practical, efficient though, is whether it is the ride or the vived the years are shades of on gas, cheap, plentiful in the Buy & driver that makes a vehicle? The brown,) with gramps driving... he’s Sell and, of course, butt ugly. The charming residents of Surrey and making a lot of noise, shaking and crown for the ultimate ride this o t h e r low-class outskirts of town billowing smoke, but he looks like month goes to… the compact grey need to get around somehow (and he’s straight out of some T.V. movie “K car,” a true family car for mod- cheaply!). Here’s what I’ve come from your childhood, and he’s pass - ern times and low-income budgets. up with: ing you. I think gramps is cool. If truth be told, I personally own a # 1. The first car that comes to Park home. Not only is it a dwelling, store somehow. Pa Lou likes driv- # 5. We can’t forget the two- Firebird, and when I needed to go on mind (and, I dare say, my personal it is also a vehicle. Who would ing the truck around (empties door Chevette. It’s gotta be white a long trip, what did I do? I bor- favorite) is the 70’s Trans Am / have imagined humans could be so stacked in the back with his shotgun) and the driver must be Crystal, the rowed my friends “K-car”. I need Firebird. Any year in that decade, clever? Naturally it follows the cause it makes him feel like he’s head cheerleader. She hopes Biff, say no more. Trans Am, as the owner of that car manly and rugged. He drives but best if the “bird” is still intact her boy, doesn’t ever come home to Angela Fama and it’s got a T-bar roof. It has to be has to live somewhere when not around all day long looking like a loud and dirty, whether that be inter- passed out by the side of the road. true farm hand, complaining about preted in black, brown, gold or The gardens in these places are so how there just isn’t any work left out white. The drunk teenager driving cute — there is a wooden plaque on there anymore. He stops occasional- it has to have the IQ of a turnip, all the front doorways and everyone ly to play pool with whatever hard- because, of course, he’s borrowed is very, very neighbourly. earned cash that Betty Lou made the wheels from his big-haired, # 3. Then there is the pick-up working the late night shift at Vi rginia Slims smokin,’ l e o p a r d - truck. “Hey baby, wanna take a ride Dunkin’D’s. printed mom, to pick up his under- in my pick-up truck? I’ll show you # 4. (See how many options aged girlfriend from school, because Mr.Wiggly.” This category includes there are? I bet you never knew.) he ‘just doesn’t feel like going any beat-up late 70’s, mid 80’s truck, Then there’s the late 70’s - mid-80’s today’ and they’re ‘gonna go hang no matter the make or model. I think “luxury” car that just didn’t quite out at the roller rink instead,’maybe of the movie “Deliverance” when I make it into the “cool” category, but they’ll ‘do some donuts on the way.’ think of trucks, and I also think of it’s still rusting and kicking around. # 2. Next, we have the Trailer Betty Lou, who has to haul all that In the years when particular cars Sunny-D home from the grocery stopped being “cool” (like the

19 notes. Firstly, some crack graphic MTVaward anytime soon, but they “Montreal sound” ? much for the cause. This comes of f designer decided to print every- sure as hell can punk shit up for Track 5 was a change of as punk rock karaoke, with ? of the thing on a collage of burnt photo kids everywhere. Reminiscent of pace, a boppy Nick Cave-esque Rollins Band providing the music album covers and the last page has Operation Ivy and Bouncing Souls, blues song. Track 7 was the only for Slayer ’sTom Araya, Iggy Pop, a picture of a photo-album going INDK should be a contender in the title I could Translate completely, Lemmy from Motorhead, Ry a n up in flames (it had all those pic- stomping circuits. My pick of the feel free to write in and correct me. Adams and Lars and Tim from A.I.M. tures of us in it and “You turned month. “Pourquoi conquerir le monde?” = Rancid, among others, to give their Reverends and Rednecks 7”ep around and walked away / Leaving Adler Floyd “Why conquer the world? “Well, take on classic Flag songs. It’s a Kangaroo Records no note leaving no trace” and I was I’ve had too much Arberlour single really sad state of affairs when the so sad I wrote fucking ten songs Jello Biafra malt by this point I’m sure. most earnest track on the compila- This is the stuff that makes about it). Secondly, they each Machine Gun in the Clown’s Hand They show an apprecia- tion is ‘Police Story, ’ sung by, Kangaroo Records great. T h e y decided to write their own thank- Alternative Tentacles tion for all things “country” on ahem, “Original Gangster” Ice T. seem to find the best straight ahead you lists and the result is four acad- track 10 “Je ne peux dire je t’aime.” The 24-song CD is just too damn blazing fast punk bands around (or emy award acceptance speeches. Nick Tosches said, “The printing (Something to do with love I’m long to even find some humour in in some cases NOT around, and These guys are so sensitive that if press gave the masses the printed sure) full of beautiful slide guitar, it, and certainly could have done okay, not always blazing fast, but you farted while they were giving word and the phonograph record piano, and harmonica; the song better without having four of the usually). A.I.M. (Anger in Motion) you head they’d be like, “Aww, I took it away,” nowhere is this more they play when the bass player last five songs sung by Rollins, are from Australia and this was love the smell of your farts.” evident than in spoken word. breaks a string, I’d wager. whose gruff yell is now starting to originally a demo tape back in Minutes and minutes of fun. Spoken word albums are neither Wes Regan sound tired and weathered. With 1990. And you guessed it… this is Jenni Nelson comedy records nor books on tape Various Artists both Rollins and original singer blazing fast straight ahead hard- Hammerfall but seem to try to be both. Jello Mayday!An All Canadian Oi! And Keith Morris participating on this core! Started out as a drunken- Crimson Thunder Biafra spills his political outrage Streetpunk Compilation record, it’s a wonder why Dez bored-out–of-my-mind band-on-a- Nuclear Blast Records straddling both these genres. His Mayday Records Cadena or Chavo Pederast, the best Saturday-afternoon band, overtly self-righteous tone drawls of the four Flag vocalists, aren’t on Kangaroo had the good sense to If The Scorpions and Europe through three discs of material that Mayday Records, a new division of Rise Above. I guess it’s because release this as a 7” in 2002! I’m fucked in the 80s, their offspring will be considered dated in a matter the Union Label, have assembled a they have integrity. unsure as to if they’re still in exis- would be Sweden’s HammerFall. of months. Anyone who owns a 25 song smorgasboard of Canadian Gregory Adams tence due to the lack of liner notes. Flattery or a reason for abortion? Jello Biafra record can throw it on streetpunk, partly from the But if they are, take a flight to I’ll bring the rusty coat hanger and and remember when all the things Longshot and Mad Butcher label Smaqu-2 Brisbane and check ‘em out! let you play hook! he was saying were relevant. From rosters. Meant to be a celebration Art Hip-Hop Silly Intoxication Andy Gronberg This is the kind of Tipper Gores censorship campaign of boots, fists and chains ‘from sea Independent The Flipsides music that gives erections to all the to American Paki-bashing, all these to shining sea’ as it reads in the Clever one guys who wore Poison t-shirts in things are sealed in a time capsule liner notes. Pretty solid disc, good Jurassic 5 meets Diggable Planets. Pink and Black Records college and always wanted to fuck that after the first playing will only punk rock all the way through, Maybe a tiny bit of the special their girlfriends in the ass, but regain its charm when you can play minus the French stuff of course; I sauce in there too. Alright, so This album wouldn’t be so bad if it c o u l d n ’t really understand why. it for a friend to remind them of a can do without that. Highlights maybe the band’s lyrics are a tiny didn’t suck so much. Think about Heavy Metal is one thing, but time long past. Sure there are fun- include a skinhead version of the bit clichéd but it doesn’t seem to what any new-school pop punk Heavy on the gay is another, and damental ideas on the album, but if ole drinkin’song “Drunken Sailor” bother them. Fuck, Eminem’s a band sounds like and add a tight- what’s with the butchered version you’re excited enough about poli- by the Prowlers and tracks by Riot cliche. Who and what isn’t these ass twat on vocals. Apparently, of “Detroit Rock City?” tics to buy the album you probably 99 and Disgruntled. days? With some nice DJ beats, drummer Jim Lindsay is Keith Final say, HammerFall already know these things. T h e Cowboy TexAss guitar noodling, roots and rhythm Moon incarnate. “Whatever” does- is the equivalent of spunking into effectiveness of Jello Biafra’s spo- My Project: blue for good measure, the CD feels like n’t even suffice. And the pathetic your ex one last time, and then not ken word albums are questionable, It’s been a long three years happy street music. They also make attempts to make cute rhym-ey having the courtesy of holding your especially when a tribute to Joey Independent writing lyrics that rhyme look easy. lyrics on this album is disturbing. piss. Can you relate? Ramone is done in such a smarmy The track “Drunkest Hip-Hop “It must be the way you look in my Adler Floyd tone that it comes across as tribute A well-timed release, considering Groove In The West” is a great eyes / That prevents me from to Biafra’s hip-ness. SAD and all of its dejected club tune, with slumming, spicey table- telling lies / To cover up how I feel Matt Whalley members. My Project: blue res- beats and funky off-colour ideas inside”. These words should have onates with my favorite late about bums and winos. “African stayed on page 23 of her diary. Ikara Colt Knucklehead autumn emotions. This recording Flower” is another nice track with Jenni Nelson chat and business Hostage Radio is one boy alone in his room, an easy, summer feel to it. In fact, Ghost Town Drive Epitaph Longshot Music singing to the chipped paint on his there isn’t much not to like on this Rock ‘n Roll for Sale walls. His voice and delivery are CD, if you’re not stupid. Independent Didn’t like it in the car, but liked it When I put the CD in my comput- reminiscent of Bright Eyes’Conor Emily Kendy at home. It sounds like the lead er, it went automatically to a multi- Oberst, though the music offered Remember the days when Rock ‘n’ singer took a few lessons from Iggy media Knucklehead website of on this EPis decidedly more lo-fi. The Weekend Roll meant the Stones, Led Pop. Female back up vocals are sorts, complete with video, photos Some songs feature keyboard Zeppelin, Lynrd Skynrd - even the Teaser EP great, and the group itself can, at and info… very, very smart. The e ffects that enhance the overall teenage USA Who or the Black Crowes and not times, sound very much like the final song, “Plight of the Living bleak sound landscape; some are fucking crap like Nickelback, Velvet Underground on steroids. Dead” was influenced directly by whispered chants that recall blue’s Creed, or Kid Rock? I don’t actu- They teased me with synths and the Robert Pickton prostitute kid- reoccurring nightmares. You can This band is female fronted power ally REMEMBER those days, I keyboards, just revealing a little nappings in Va n c o u v e r’s down- probably pick this one up any indie pop with an ironic edge to their was too young and/or not born, but taste here and there. Track 9 “at the town east side, this coming from a record store in Vancouver, or pre- songwriting. This comes from the t h a t ’s ok because Ghost To w n lodge” (which I’m sure is about band from Calgary. Lyrically, these view it first at www. m y p r o j e c t- land of Canada, a place where we Drive are the epitome of what Rock live not in fear, but in harmony with Freemasons…) sounded like a song songs convey what rock and roll blue.ca. It is best accompanied by our neighbors and cohabitant races. ‘n’ Roll sounded like circa 1969- that Joy Division forgot to record. should be about, questioning the wistful staring out a mildewed win- 74. Like the reincarnation of Jim That is why we have bands like One note lyrically: repe- validity and quality of our culture’s dow. this. Bands who write nice simple Morrison doing the Southern tition can be catchy, it can also moral, economic and social struc- Americana Alabama rock thing, make you want to listen to a differ - ture. (then again, there’s always Jenni Nelson songs about nice simple subjects. Rock ‘n Roll For Sale is everything ent CD. Overall though a good sex, drugs and rock ’n’roll!) Do you have any idea how catchy that was good about the music that musically mature punk sound from Wes Regan Rise Above this shit is? If you listen to any of the five songs on this EPonce and my father kept blathering about and the birthplace of British punk. Le Nombre 24 Black Flag Songs to Benefit the that I probably should have been (Includes secret bonus track kids!) s/t West Memphis Three only once I fucking promise you listening to instead of Nirvana Wes Regan Blow the Fuse Records Sanctuary will have it in your head for the when I was 12 and knew nothing next five hundred years. T h e y about the likes of the world. played at The Pic on Nov. 23rd, and INDK I don’t understand French, but I Some records should just not be I was supposed to review the show, Cowboy TexAss Kill Whitey! understand Rock and Roll, and I made. While I applaud Henry Glasseater Go Kart Records think I understand what these guys Rollins for putting together this but I was too bummed to hear S/T are saying. I like the blaring Jesus benefit CD for the West Memphis corn syrup dipped electric gui- Fearless Records Made up of former members of Lizard style, dirty and bent blues Three (three young men who have tars at that point. If you need / Choking Victim and Leftover guitar riffs… good musicianship been in jail since the mid 90s after want a little pick me up, pick Okay, never mind that this is snore Crack, INDK is a punk band with a overall. To me they sound like being found guilty for murders they this one up. PS The sixth secret worthy emo; you should buy this twang of motherfucking social they’re from Montreal, and that’s purportedly did not commit,) I song is worth waiting for. album for the minutes of fun you commentary and a twist of ska. not a bad thing, but does this mean don’t see how this lack-luster trib- Jenni Nelson can have reading the CD liner These guys won’t win a shitty that Montreal is starting to have a ute album to Black Flag will do

20 S K A T E S P O T el s e w h e r e in this issue – Ed.] Space & the City: Ar c h i t e c t u r e Fact meets Friction & the Body”. The presentation More skate news: will be followed by videos and (This Skate Spot is pure genius and, like all bedtime stories provided cour- genius, it is 10% inspiration and 90% appropria- Adopt a politician — attend council meetings tesy of Kevin Kelly of ti o n . ) while they’re still green, and remind them to build sk8itup.com, and there will be a more indoor and outdoor skateparks and skate few DJ sets to round off the th Mo n d a y , November 25 , the Skate Spot attended spots, and help those private parks that are filling night. The door will be by dona- a girls’skate jam at the Friction indoor skatepark a useful niche. Speaking of green, Skate Spot’s tion, so go for broke. It looks in Port Moody, organized by Heather O’Keefe own D-Rock has it on good authority that like there will be a wide variety and Maria Pia. It’s so great to have a place where Marijuana Party leader Marc Emery was caught of people in attendance (maybe even the new girls can turn tricks inside, if only to get off the on tape promising a $1000 donation to the VS P C mayor!?!) for this one-off event, so why not? st r e e t s . Some boys were turning tricks, too. We (or skateboarding, or skateparks) — hope that re f e r , of course, to skate tricks - what else would do e s n ’ t apply only if he got elected. (He’s a bright Word up. Word on the street is that there will be we mean? While we were there, retail manager spark, but, to be blunt, his memory may have a New Yea r ’s party at the Cract Pipe. Meanwhile, Andrea Sali filled us in on the place’s history: it faded.) The Capital Plan has also just been at the exact other end of the skate spectrum, was initiated by Suzanne and Dave Logan — par- approved by the voters, with the concept of Electronic Arts Inc. and Fox Interactive have just ents tired of driving their three kids everywhere so “skateboard services” coming up as a catch-word released The Simpsons’ Sk a t e b o a rd i n g for the they could go skateboarding. The warehouse was in city government circles. Now we just need to PlayStation 2. Tony Hawk has been taken out by found and procured with some expert help, the hold them to it. 2-dimensional white (yellow) trash with a pen- ramp setup was built by Kyle Dion of New Line chant for Fritos and Duffs (not the shoes, the Skateparks, and the place opened to the public on The next Vancouver Skatepark Coalition meeting beers). July 1, 2002. Friction has a massive street course, will be held at the Roundhouse Arts & Recreation Centre, 181 Roundhouse D-Rock and Miss Kim (with additional material Mews, Van c o u v e r , BC at pillaged from Aa r on Orlando, VSPC Secret a r y) 7:30 PM on December 4th. E-mail your skate news to the Skate Spot All members, non-members and new members are wel- c/ o do w n s p a c e @ t e l u s . n e t . come. For more info, email the VSPC at vancouver- s k a t e p a r k c o a l i t i o n @ h o t- FULLß MOON SKATER ma i l . c o m . I headed out for a night of skateboarding at Co o p e r ’s Park (under the Friction Skateboard Park at 85 Electronic Ave , but I still kind of regret not correcting his behav- Cambie Street Bridge) is Port Moody — my first visit to this park. Th e io u r . getting a facelift. The bush recent rains had us jonesing for something to When we arrived at Friction, we were area right next to the basket- skate that didn’t involve a car-infested parking greeted by the owner relaxing outside with a cig- ball court will be paved for garage. Upon arrival at the Loughheed Mall arette. She told us that the Wed. and Fri. night ses- skating, and two benches Skytrain station, we waited at the dark bus loop. sion (9-12) was just starting, and that only skaters “Wa r is hell. Unknown soldier/ amputee Ollie reaches out of trenches at will be installed. In an unre- We chatted about breaking boards, tricks that had aged 16 and over are allowed. We skated for two China Beach... er, Cree k . Photo-amputation by Jay Pay.” lated development, someone gone wrong and bruises, and I asked for a descrip- and a half great hours for $10, including helmet has elevated the art of ‘tak- tion of the park for the fourth time. “The mini rental. You can call 604-937-5283 and get their ing it back’to a new extreme ramp is a four and a five connected with an exten- hours of operation (and better directions than I fun boxes galore, two miniramps (one 4’and one by completely sawing off the already sawed-off sion in the middle - street section with a step up could write). Or check out www.s k 8 f r i c t i o n . c o m . 5’ / 6 ’ with a 7’extension), and a kids’street course low bar. Flatland represent! Is this related to gap, banks, handrails, ledges and the kid’s room,” We left the park tired and sweaty, look- with mucho benches. So much candy, but don’t Rodney Mullen being named skater of the year? I was told. As the bus pulled up and the crowd ing for a bus to take us home. Waiting for us with eat too much at once… it’ll cost ya yer teeth. We gathered to board, a couple of Hoods pushed his fists raised was a man in a Canucks hat and wish that indoor skateparks were seen as equal in The VSPC will be hosting a licensed event at the through the crowd. I saw one of them grab a leather jacket. “What do we have here, some legitimacy to public pools or soccer fields, just so Anza Club (3 West 8th) on November 27th from wo m a n ’ s ass as he went past. I asked him what he punks to fight me?!” Great. We politely declined they could get the funding they need to be contin- 7pm to 2am. The event will feature a presentation thought he was doing, and he didn’t respond very the offe r . He told us that he was going downtown uously viable. The Projekt, for example, at 8:30 by Iain Borden, Director of the Bartlett ni c e l y . So, when I asked him to apologize to the to “the War Zone”— I assumed he meant Main involved a huge investment in time and effo r t School of Architecture at the University College la d y , he asked me if I wanted a dick in my mouth. and Wastings. He was going to “get in a fight and from New Line and Sk8itup given that it was only of London (England). He is an old-school skater I was confused… did he like women or men? We get a room”… that’s what some people do for fun, around for ONE winter. The GVRD has maybe and architecture professor who has compiled a di d n ’ t really want to spend our evening counsel- I guess. Nice guy, though. He shared a little green 2.5 million people and a lot of rain… it seems like history of skateboarding and its relationship to ing him (i.e. beating him senseless with a skate- and went on his way. there should be room for a Projekt, a Friction, a architecture as it pertains to urban skating and board). We wanted to skate. On behalf of all men, Dennis Regan Cract Pipe, an d a Leeside. [Mo r e on Friction skatepark construction, entitled “Skateboarding, I offered apologies to the victim of the assault …

21 Gore our animal instincts as we contemplates the reality behind a the fucked-up monster with the contemplate our place in mermaid, what she can do to a ping pong ball eyes, huge head, the world. One of the driv- man, and whether or not brunettes multitudes of weird seaweed/gill ing forces behind the Gill actually have more fun (?). A patches and an overall aesthetic Man as portrayed in this sailor on his day off decides to that is really fucking cheap. The film is his “centuries of feel up a mermaid who is in a film is a “horror comedy,” as a pent-up passion” and his beach fair. Is she a real mermaid rag-tag group of criminals make final pursuit of women… a that kills off all her boyfriends… up a sea monster story to scare pursuit that leads to his or is she just a very mean, creepy others off – but then the creature IT CAME FROM death by rifle. chick? turns out to be real. [Isn’t that also HORROR OF PARTYBEACH HUMANOIDS FROM T H E an episode of Scooby Doo? – Ed.] THE BLA C K, I already talked about this fucked- DEEP And real it is… real sweet. Good up gem in the Hallowe’en issue, Corman-produced (do we ever title for a movie too. Come to WATERY DEPTHS but whatever. Make sure you get tired of that?) sea monster think of it, any monster film title check it out. The film has a lot of epic that pulls us out of the fifties. with the word “haunted” is OF MY MON- blood for its time, and mass Vancouverites can relate to the aces… (BEAST FROM T H E female slaughter that resembles fact that the monsters are HALF- HAUNTED CAVE, etc.) STROUS LIBIDO something out of Slumber Party SALMON (very cool!), but not to REVENGE OF THE CREA- Massacre. the fantasy that they also have TURE (1955) I grew up with the Ogopogo, so huge brainpans. Some of their Very good sequel to CREATURE for me, the SERIOUS classics of arms are longer than the others, FROM THE HAUNTED SEA the genre world just may be the but that doesn’t seem to impede that has the same underwater films that centre around the pre- their ability to graphically rape creature player (Ricou Browning) historic Gill Man (merman, man- women on the beach – hence pro- but features a different land play - fish, sea creature, sea monster… viding a nice birth epilogue that er (Tom Hennesy). The suit is whatever you want to call them). nips any arguments about evolu- different (buggier eyes), but still This underwater monster who tion in the bud. The fat monster looks great. Some nice touches draws his victims into the depths heads sometimes get annoying, include the Gill Man in an aquar- has done a lot for the horror fic- but the payoff of the town fair ium being bitchy about his food, tion and film world. massacre is outstanding Gill Man “learning faster than ZAAT! chimps”, Gill Man killing a dog, C R E ATURE FROM T H E Half-man / half-catfish (holy and throwing men against trees BLACK LAGOON (1954) shit)! The publicity stunt of tour- like curve balls. Try to avoid Suit designers: Milicent Patrick, ing the States accompanied by the THE CREATURE WA L K S Jack Kevan, Bud Westmore suit in a cage has to be applauded AMONG US, even though it con- Gill Man played by: Ben as some fine media whoring. The tains some neat (but annoying) Chapman (on land), Ricou monster is amazing, reminding twists (like the Gill Man sudden- Browning (underwater) me of one of the corpse beasts ly having air-breathing lungs, Object of gill Man’s lust: Julie from the “Blood” series out of the etc…). Adams (played by Ginger Stanley THE MONSTER OF PIEDRAS Philippines – just add some fish- underwater) BLANCAS like qualities and patches of fur. SINISTER SAM Director: Jack Arnold Half-man / half-crab! All the BOG The introduction of the CREA- humans get decapitated! One of a nice bunch of CFTBL- Anyone want to buy my GIALLO TURE FROM THE BLACK S t r a n g e l y, this one has always inspired films that came out in the compilation? It’s called BLACK LAGOON to the unsuspecting (or been shunned by the CFTBL-lov- 70’s and 80’s. Nice touches on GLOVES AND RAZORS, and is perhaps, suspecting, as many the- ing public, but it is a mighty film these films — as the blood flies, an hour and ? of the nasty bits atres back in the day built under- nevertheless. I mean, man! A the creativity reaches the max. from over 45 Italian-import water displays to promote this 3- fuckin’ half-crab!! There’s some From a production standpoint, the thrillers… all scenes involving D film) theatregoing public was a nice ocean play, which is a rare swamps must have been torture, sharp objects and gloved killers. triumphant entry into the cold war sight in this genre of film. A because the atmosphere is always Asking price: $20 (includes box era of expensive (key word) rub- good, haunting atmosphere, with dark and depressing. There’s also art). Contact me c/o ber-suited monsters that looked a lighthouse to complete the lots of backwoods crap as well [email protected] real, provoked real fear, and still mood. that mimics DELIVERANCE, have one hell of a cult following NIGHTTIDE but without the intensity. t o d a y. It captures the truth Very early Dennis Hopper film C R E ATURE FROM T H E behind the man-monster, his pre- (his first?) [actually, IMDB says HAUNTED SEA history, and the epic, universal it’s his 15th, but in a career like This film has to be experienced to struggle to come to terms with his, that’s still early – Ed.] that be believed. My heart goes out to

and there is the sense that this is merely the forces the notion that the only message is Seven Day Diamonds brutal culmination of the intense frustration “here’s an opportunity to experience some- Overlooked Tre a s u res from the ‘We e k l y that the world metes out daily. thing different.” Rentals’Section. For the most part, the film presents Be warned: many people will find juveniles who while away their days without this ‘opportunity’disturbing — perhaps even In keeping with direction or guidance, to the detriment of their unwatchable. Some scenes seem to drone on the theme of character. Without a moral compass, these pointlessly. The absence of plot is unusual, white trash, this delinquents are free to explore the depths of but don’t despise Gummo for what it’s not – it month I put the depravity, as far as their simple imaginations works best if you try to accept it for what it is. spectacle that is allow.Yet not all the deviants here are way- I’ve read that of the 40 speaking roles in the G u m m o in the ward adolescents or victims of Down’s film, only four were performed by “real” SAG proverbial Jerry Syndrome. It’s telling to see just how socially actors. Korine cast young Nick Sutton as Springer hot undeveloped the adults are as well. A moth- Tummler after seeing him on Sally Jesse seat. er’s pathetic attempt to spend some quality Raphael’s “Paint Sniffing Survivors” episode. I n time with her son ends up with her pointing a Gummo is by no means a feel-good movie, 1974, the town gun at his head in an attempt to get him to but we can take comfort in the fact that of Xenia, Ohio, smile. Tragic. although much of the cast was taken from fast was hit by a mas- Gummo’s depressing landscape is food joints and much of the dialogue is impro- sive outbreak of kind of like summer vacation in a post-apoca- vised, Gummo remains a piece of fiction. tornadoes. Director (and I use the term loose- lyptic wasteland. Unlike Road Warrior or Some movies, while they may not ly) Harmony Korine uses this real-life event Omega Man, the mutants here don’t scavenge be the greatest films in the world, or even a to illustrate his vision of the ass-end of mod- for gas or weapons, but rather some half- particular viewer’s “type” of movie, should be ern civilization. Whether or not his portrait is imagined sliver of morality or perhaps a dis- seen nonetheless. Love them or hate them, accurate, it certainly is unsettling. Korine, carded wafer of healthy sexual understanding. movies like Star Wars, Citizen Kane, and Blue who wrote Kids, forgoes any plot or narrative I would almost fancy Gummo a warning of Velvet are important because they are one-of- and simply presents us with a pageant of sorts — a cautionary tale — if I thought the a-kind, and hold a place in our social con- scenes, many of which have a documentary director cared enough about the audience to sciousness. At the very least, I would recom- feel. Kids kill and sell cats at the butcher shop present something besides a freakshow. mend Gummo on this same basis. Think of it to make a quick buck; a man pimps a retarded Rather, the film is remarkable in its neutrality. as Baraka in a wifebeater, with a heavy metal woman (his wife?) out of his home; a party Korine isn’t preaching or asking questions. In soundtrack. degenerates into a fight with a kitchen chair, fact, the lack of any narrative structure rein- Toren Atkinson

22 straight 8 5TH ANNUAL VANCOUVER UNDERGROUND FILM FESTIVAL No v . 21-24 @ The Blinding Light!! Tee n b u r ger 1983 in “You ’ r e Eternal” is probably but offers no real human connection. radio drones on, you try to focus on something – exactly how The Second Voi c e plays… like a the greatest film to ever involve Ritalin-addicted Bad Ideas for Paradise by Emily an y t h i n g - of interest in the frame... but nothing Public Service Announcement, as opposed to a irst off, let me just say that av a n t - g a rd e is not gay 12 year olds. If not, it’s still pretty funny, and Vey Duke and Cooper Battersby is another film in happens, and time marches on. Until, of course, genuine portrait of one man. But again, perhaps an really my thing. I like a good, hearty narra- retarded — in the be s t sense of the word. the personal diary vein, but it is even more abstract, you start seeing things. impersonal portrait is exactly what Weiss was after. Ftive to go along with my formal invention. Less successful pieces were Miles of fering plenty of poetic interludes. Oddly, Ba d “Striking Vocal Chords,” the second The night finished for me with Ted Being visually dazzled is okay, as long as there is Mo n t a l b a n o ’ s Love and the Monster and Myles Id e a s seems to have more of a purpose, especially Friday night program was another mixed bag, but Ja c k s o n ’ s Manchild Unmasked, an indie-rock an emotional centre. Having said that, I’m all about and Drue Langlois’s Mi c ro - N i c e , both of which when contrasted with Zakery Wei s s ’ Do m e s t i c a , a featured the biggest crowd-pleasing moment of the Sa t u r day Night Live-style skit stretched to about DI Y . Every single filmmaker at the VU F F were based on comic books, and both of which wordless, washed-out portrait of a suburban couple fest. Rafael Tsu c h i d a ’ s On e simply features the five times its natural length. The concept here is deserves kudos for not caving in to the artistic su f fer from the kind of dialogue and overly sym- attempting to achieve a greater understanding of director singing (with Bono-esque passion) U2’s that Frederick Manchild (played by performance whims of anyone but themselves (as does Th e bolic storytelling that works much better on the the marriage by subverting the conventions of doc- megahit of the same name. The thing is, he’s artist Justin Callaway) is a former social outcast - Blinding Light!! itself, and festival director and printed page. Mi c ro - N i c e falls especially flat umentary filmmaking. What is left for the viewer singing along to his Discman with his headphones born with a natural fish odour - who has channeled host Alex MacKenzie). Everything I managed to because of its length and amateurish shot compo- is an odd, uncomfortable portrait that only magni- on, so the audience is treated to his unpolished a his social deviance into rock ‘n’roll (and a giant take in on the first two nights of this year’s festival sition. When each shot feels as static as a comic fies the distance between the audience and the sub- ca p e l l a vocals. On e is simple in concept and exe- baby head). Manchild Unmasked has a wealth of is a testament to that DIYspirit, no matter how book panel, it makes for arduous viewing, to say ject. cution, but brutally honest in its portrayal of the interesting ideas, but doesn’t manage to expand in s u l a r . the least. The two most interesting pieces were simple power of music and the universal ego that things beyond the admittedly clever initial concept. Each program at the VUFF is based Speaking of which… maybe it’s just undoubtedly Meesoo Lee’s Lo v e and Jeremy tells us all we can be rock stars. Un f o r t u n a t e l y , I was unable to see on a particular theme, with a number of shorts me, but the Friday night program (entitled “On Ba i l e y ’ s Coffee Tim e . Lo v e is a simple but effe c - The program also featured two more any other stuff that weekend (I’m most disappoint- grouped together. The opening night program was Vacation or In a Coma”) seemed specifically tive amalgam of two pop culture touchstones: the films from Zakery Weiss, Co m m u n i c a t i o n an d ed I missed the “Heart-breaker, Dream-maker” entitled “Superman, Pornographer” and hence, designed to be the hardest collection of shorts to topiary garden chase sequence from The Shining The Second Voi c e . Co m m u n i c a t i o n is nothing collection). Despite the occasionally confounding revolved around comics and literature. It featured endure. This was some really abstract stuff. and John Lennon’s “Love”. The film works sim- new to anyone who’s dabbled in av a n t - g a r d e fi l m piece, there are images from this year’s VUFF that the most visually impressive piece I saw at the fest I don’t remember much about Steve ply for what it is… two pieces of culturally – it features a real-time phone conversation shot will remain with me for quite a while… especially — Sheila Pye’s The Lesson — a dizzying, disturb- Re i n k e ’ s Sad Disco Fantasia, except for the fact entrenched media which, when put together bring from an odd angle. Again, Co m m u n i c a t i o n the next time I’m singing U2 in the shower. ing drama told almost entirely in stop-motion ani- that every time it seemed to be ambling along new meaning to each other. Coffee Tim e is anoth- reveals more about its director than anything else, Bjorn Olson mation. It’s the kind of film that manages to be toward its end, it would slap you in the face with er sly bit of media manipulation that will impress as the supposedly “harrowing” conversation is, in The Nerve welcomes Bjorn as our new Film both emotionally affecting an d technically innova- the occasional shot of pasty white men masturbat- anyone who’s ever stared into a cup of coffee in re a l i t y , pretty commonplace for anyone who’s had Editor (and thanks to Elizabeth Nolan, who stays tive. ing each other. Sad Disco Fantasia is the kind of some fluorescent-lit hellhole waaay too late at to deal with older relatives. If talking to his grand- on as a staff writer) Solomon Nagler’s Do c 1 . d o c wa s personal diary film that never seems to be as night. What seems like a single static shot slowly ma is th a t harrowing for Weiss, maybe he should also impressive and definitely adds fuel to the the- intriguing as its creators intend. It’s incredibly hard turns into a nightmarish journey into the land of an get out more. The Second Voi c e is an odd little doc- ory that everything coming out of Winnipeg has a to invest any emotion in something like this, endless pop song. Coffee Tim e does an excellent umentary about a man named Jay Lemaster who little bit of Guy Maddin in it somewhere. Matthew despite how deeply personal it is. In the end, it ends job of evoking the desperate aimlessness that lost his vocal chords to cancer. You’ve seen stuff Fithen and Amy Lockhart’s Miss Edmonton up being something that fascinates as a curiosity, seems to pervade the greasy spoon diner. As the like this in Health class in grade school, and that is Books & Zines t h e by Leather the Librarian

Behind the ‘Zines acquisition of (In which Miss Leather lifts back the curtain Sam’s Sweet Ride. and shows you how things really work in In a cloud of burnt Nerveland…) r u b b e r, the reluc- tant Champion Yuletide greetings, Gentle Readers! In cele- strikes out into an bration of the white trash Crit’mas issue, your uncertain future Nerve librarian is jacked out of her mind on like the post- “special” coffee and cheap advent calendar Apocalyptic, death chocolate. This doesn’t seem to interfere with metal Bruce the production of this column (on the contrary Springsteen song — it seems to help quite a bit), especially character that he is. when you’re so lazy you pawn your reviews Champions of off on other, more dependable writers like Hell! It’s grim, it’s good old Cowboy Zero … dark, it’s horrific, violent, very well- Champions of Hell #2 drawn and funny By Hunter Thompson Unlimited 2002 ($3 as… HELL. Read CAN) the comic, purchase the merch, go see the P.O. Box 45016 Mayfair Postal Outlet band (yes, they’re a band — duh), but hurry, Victoria, B.C. Canada V8Z 7G9 the end is drawing near. www.geocities.com/championsofhell Cowboy Zero [email protected] Seriously folks, I do write most of these Dark, spooky, heavy metal nerds: here is reviews myself, as regular visitors to this page something for YOU! know… I also choose to pretty much exclu- In the year 2003, the Earth is a smoking ruin sively review things I like. When something and civilization a smouldering ember. Sam just isn’t my cup of tea (or, since this is the Hain — the beefy, paranoid, delusional son of white trash issue, “my can of Tab”), I try to huge Misfits fans — is a body disposer-of-er find someone on the staff here who would like with a destiny to fulfill. Completing the it, as with the previous review (and then, troupe are a Magic Sword, twelve unholy cru- behold the magic). saders waiting for the thirteenth Champion of Sometimes, however, I come across things I Hell to find The Sword, and, of course, Good not only want to tell people about, but I get versus Evil. Poor, tormented Sam finds The downright messianic about, to the point where Sword, and then the Champions come to pick I fight to have them incorporated into this him up, burn his soul and make him Bad magazine. Case in point… News. At this dicey point, Sam decides NOW is a good time to take charge of his own life and stop taking orders from other people (or All the best of the festive drinking (I mean demons). An epic battle ensues, followed by reading) season. See you next year!

23 White Trash Puzzle Page!! First person to solve both puzzles wins a Nerve T-shirt and a can of SPAM! Show your ugly face at the Nerve Office: Ok, I know that I shouldn’t be taking work with me on my fucking Nervember vacation, but what’s a writer to do: double swipe some debit cards, treat my friends to hookers & blow? In any case, I 508-425 Granville St. Vancouver, Mon-Fri 10am-6pm decided to fuck off, get away from the small-town monotony, and see the motherfuckin’world again. by Dan Scum Just a week into holidays I got my hands on the leaked Doom 3 Alpha as it made its way across Internet land. I installed it and the fucking thing didn’t work. Fuck! There goes December’s CROSSWORD column, I thought. Annoyed, I made my way onto the barely inflated IKEA® armchair that I ACROSS dubbed the dinghy, and powered up the semi-working Sony. The familiar Street Fighter logo took 1. Ladies’magazine over the 21” and for the rest of the night memories of esoteric youth and bleeding thumbs pre- (abbrev.) vailed. Good times, good times. 6. High-priced Déjà vu, baby! The one thing that I forgot about Toronto since my last trip was the fuck- 11. Snatch 14. Cry heard from a Kia ing dry humping weather. All I gotta say is this: get some Chapstick if you plan to spend more Sportage than an hour in Hogtown, or your mouth will end up looking like a used Romanian vulva after just 15. White trash Xmas pies 24 hrs of Siffredi misusage. (Insert onomatopoeic sigh here). The East Coast… how I enjoy the 16. Dutch Grandma germ-infested trams and hot shiksas walkin’up and down Queen St, flaunting their sexy. Oh, and 17. White trash undershirts 19. U.S. media watchdog who can forget all the anxious starfuckers, pressing their sweater puppies up against the MUCH 20. White trash teen hangout window, tryin’to get a piece of fame. 21. Scrotum Bitches are nice, but with no computer games to review, something had to be done. The 23. Xmas ammo next logical step was to hit the arcade and beat some SF ass. My friend Laser Grip and I entered 27. 99 year-old US senator ______Thurmond the joint. Ten minutes, 8 bucks and a few schoolings later, we started to lose interest. Out of bore- 28. Steal from dom, we decided to give ‘er head. 29. Bleeding heart suckers On the way out, we spotted this hot 32. A pronoun and an organ brunette (a future Brass Rail (homophones) 33. Becomes legal guardian dancer?) swayin’ her hips to the 37. Vince or Ed Mc______electronique beats. Like perverts, 40. King of white trash talk we stood there and admired her TV ability to shake that ham. T h e 43. Broadcaster 44. Old school sk8 company off the bus 48. Tacky thought of dunking the flesh rod in 46. Singer/actress/junkie 12. Hillbilly Hatfield’s 50. Sombre her nacho dip crossed Laser’s Gray sworn enemy 53. Discourage mind. This was followed by 49. French summers 13. Back me 55. Be untruthful thoughts of prison nookie. A n d 51. Feast verb 18. Echo Llama Alpha 56. Made a mistake 52. Throbbed with pain 22. Bee injuries 57. Dry wall crew member then of black guys with huge caks, 54. Christmas time 23. Spanish Mrs. 59. Interracial DPcookie and under-rated head-humping. No 58. Sony offerings 24. Dead air 60. French without thanx! 61. Italian currency 25. Clarinet’s cousin 64. III The happy didn’t stop 62. Gardening tool 26. Eel’s cousin 65. Mr. Onassis 63. BUBBLES’home 30. Golf score 66. Tombstone letters there, however. Like the techno 68. After ems? 31. Crude knife 67. Kinetic energies zombies, all we could think of was 69. ______meenie miny 34. Xmas dinner speech (abbrev.) brain….I mean games! Games! moe 35. 3 prefix After countless calls to rental places from a payphone in a jungle-themed diner, a PS2 was locat- 70. Spooky 36. Olde tyme 71. Partridge family Susan king’s address ed. The goal was to get the new Grand Theft Auto game and go to work on it. Vice City presents 72. Violin bow wax 38. Japanese a new chapter in the ongoing GTA universe. A bigger city, more cars, and the addition of a few 73. Painting pitfalls devil extras such as motorcycles spices shit up. Zipping around like Marco Melandri and evading pigs 40. Ready and was never this much fun. DOWN go’s partner 1. Uncooked 41. “Old 2. Echo India India Macdonald had a 3. _____Leppard farm, ____O” Happy fucking New Year everyone! 4. BUMBLING automobile? 42. “One for the 5. Meat on a stick ___” 6. White trash indie band 45. Message Adler Floyd from rural Alberta (abbrev.) 7. White trash breast 46. Potato possi- 8. After em em? bility 9. Beige shade 47. First segment 10. Annoying ones of a play 11. Reason for gettin’kicked WHITE TRASH WORD SEARCH Double-wide daisy dukes wife beater Budweiser plumber butt Deep fried Metal Camaro mullet skullet Deliverance trailer park spam weenies firearm squirrel meat inbreeder car on blocks velvet Elvis wrestling Jerry Springer tornadoes septic tank Sunnyvale David Allan Coe Kool-aid Malt liquor Pamela Anderson porkrinds k-mart muumuu welfare parole aerosol cheese mountaindew gaptooth pleather swampbuggy moonshine uncle Jesse

24 25 I’m not going to lie to you. It’s impossible to IT’S RAININ’ MEN! get the faces right when you’re new, so just wing it. I always say black out a few teeth for Jason Ainsworth realism, and anything else can be covered with a scar-line. Did anyone else hire that child(?) .... Artistically appropriate men, that is! prostitute who worked Fraser and Broadway two years ago? Her missing tooth added a vermissitude D-I-Y. Lessons from the Master, Ainsworth to the whole experience, according to my brother. And even though in real life jewellry on men is a Short and sweet: all you guys with pictures by real ghastly execrable abomination, in Fantasty art world artists on your walls are a bunch of stupids. Ignorant anything goes. There’s no “Gay-borhood” in the as a bucket of come. You’ve got to keep it on the realm of Sworcery, so feel free to faggot up your street-real, don’t be sell-outs. So here’s a step-by- hero with no feelings of inadequacy. Tex: Mugs and Jugs just completed a hand with the legs of a stool. step guide to making your own barbarian picture. renovation of their show Tex: It should have been ours! Maybe if you work hard and, ahem, “apply” yourself Happy flies buzzing around, happy pile of dead, lounge, so naturally we had I didn’t get it and I’ll admit, I for once, you could do a blood-drinking maniac half we’re almost done now, make the final lap a happy to go on back to New was a sore loser, so we left to as good as mine. Aim high, and reach for the stars! lap, okay! Happy bluging muscles, let the blood Westminster to check it out, go check out TheParamount, squirt up over the dragons or whatever, happily. as well as pay an overdue which is only a couple blocks Allright, you got your Does anyone remember that visit to the Paramount. So, down from Mugs and Jugs… artists- quality paper, and “ D o n ’t be worried, be with a couple of cocktails Dex: Except we ended up artist’s quality ball point happy” song? No? under our belts and Cowboy driving around New pen. These are the Sodom Nevermind. Bob as our chauffeur, back to Westminster like lost idiots cuz and Gomorrah of any the Quay we went. of your bad directions aspiring fantasy “artist”. Uh oh. This is where we Dex: We entered Mugs and Cowboy Bob: TexAss was all Oh, also remember to, J u g s excitedly and were “I know where it is! Make a separate the men from the pleasantly surprised by the right, then another right… or like, freeeeee your mind. boys. Listen to me. tasteful renovations… and by was it two lefts?” Space out and drop out Sometimes, in fantasy art, tasteful, I mean they added a shower. Dex:TheParamount? Not fun. like a hippie, take it as traditionally, artists... artists Tex: We settled on into the only free Tex: The place is an old theatre of sorts, low as it will go. Are you feel the need to explore the booth in the packed bar and ordered up with many sentences of house rules writ- there yet? I know you are! aesthetics of, the ... female. some whiskeys and burgers on paper ten on a sign at the entrance. I wasn’t Start with the sword. well, unclothed female, plates. reading things all too clearly at this Make it big...... bigger. well, girls in metal... bikinis, Dex: The renovations were basic: new point, and the theme of the evening up to B i g g e r. Now that’s not sort of thing. I don’t like it seats, flaming frosted glass smoke room, this point had been ‘drinking and watch- big, is it? BIG. any more than you, okay, and the aforementioned shower… which ing naked ladies,’not reading a freaking but you can’t break free of a naked lady quickly made use of. book… but apparently one of the rules For fuck’s sake, B-I-G. tradition until you have mas- Tex: And now they have a ‘massage said something about ‘no alcohol.’ This is just making you tered it. Happy little metal girl.’ Dex: Yeah, no drinking. NO DRINK - look weird, I swear TO tits.... Uh. It’s fun in drawing Dex: She was a portly ING!!!!! FUCKEN GOD JUST to make ladies suff e r girl wandering around Tex: We had heard rumours of DO IT R I G H T T H E wearing only some curi- weirdness surrounding the drink- because they are all prettty ously dirty white hot ing situation… GODDAM FIRST monsters. Don’t forget the pants and a tasteless hal- Dex: We didn’t think it was pos- TIME.! There’s no point metal bikinis, okay. Frank ter top — basically not sible…. in fucken... no don’t Frazetta was known for his quite enough covering for Tex: But I was smart and brought ERASE it for God’s Rubaenesque titties, ladies, my liking. in a couple of small bottles of sake... If you can’t take and so on. Usully I just skim Tex: She kept going into whiskey, just in case…. some constructive over the ladies because it the ‘VIProom’with some Dex: Still in shock, we sat down critiziam there’s no place makes me feel uncomfoertk- desperate pervert and not and gave it a chance. Hey, maybe for you in the competitive ble. coming out for at least 25 they had mutant-calibre beautiful world of sword and Sworcery. Remember: YOU put minutes. dancers. Maybe it would be fun. you in prison. Boots are pretty hard. I screwed up the boots. Cowboy Bob: I remem- Boy, were we wrong. ber the dirty knees, heh Tex: Yeah, so we paid 7 bucks While you’re there, why not add a bat? Happy little The best thing about drawing a pile of the dead is it heh heh. cover each, thinking it can’t be bat, going home to his house, with a grub. Fly away can be just the body parts you find easy to draw. Dex: Next we moved to some closer that bad… nonstop girls on stage?!? there, little bat. A good trick with metal swords is to Like, I was at the Brickyard, or as I call it the god- seats, to get a better view of the show.... Cowboy Bob: Dude… (shakes head) draw little ombloid shinty shapes. And make the damyard, and they made me check my coat, they Tex: There was a cute “school girl” on Tex: The first one was a not-so attractive blood on the sworp D-r-i-p. Angry sword, happy bat, MADE me, and I said, “Hey, what gives”, and I had stage but she refused to take her clothes “hag”-type woman to whom we man- it equals a solid sale and a commission for more. I’m off, and just kept flashing us her baggy aged to not pay that much attention, to pay a dollar, but what’s a dollar really, but what underwear. because we were still trying to figure out telling you this for free, please be good enough to lis- made me ragious was this guy, built like a brick shit- Dex: She was just acting why we couldn’t order alcohol at ten. Now on the figure. house, second rate shithouse, he said, “Hey, I’m sick coy. the bar. of having to pick up beer bottles and cans here at Te x : You know where Cowboy Bob: I got it, it’s a peel- Aha! You haven’t got a clue how to proceed, do night”, which is astronomically stupid because it’s a koi belongs? In a pond. er bar for recovering alcoholics! you?!?! Drawing bodies is, like, one of the hardest bar, until I realized that he meant bottles that WERE Dex: I only laughed at Dex: If you’re trying to avoid things to do, so for the time being just trace the out- NOTin fact BOUGHTTHERE. Ergo, they took my that when I was drunk. drinking to escape life, or espe- line of mine. Hands, necks, faces, books and pelvis- jacket, maybe your jacket too, so that I couldn’t the- Also the baggy under- cially disturbing mental images, es are like the hardest to draw, but you’ll learn with oretically smuggle booze into a bar, which is a bit wear thing made me DO NOTGO HERE! time (TIP: why not get a natomy book from the much. I defeated this prohibition by carrying my nervous. What, did she Tex: Speaking of which… after liebury! It’s great practice, and it’s a great place to flask in my pants pocket. If, in the future, they ask borrow them from Miss a few more girls, we got our fair pick up cheap sluts!) me to check my pants, I’m afraid I will have a Dirty Knees? share of images worth taking up spasm. Tex: We were lucky that alcoholism to forget…. Remember: if you use one line, its shading; TWO we hit the place on a Dex: There was a hippie dancing lines, it’s crosshatching. Go wild with it! It’s okay! Hey, Great Drawing! Thanks for reading! Wednesday, which seems on stage, and I was all “ugh, a Make the figure come alive with deepness. Oh, and to be the coolest night. hippie, with her limp, long brown Many dancers started arriving at the bar hair and crushed velvet dress… I hate another type of line is the fast-line. University pro- Congratulations to Bryce Thyng for his recent break- and hanging around in sexy outfits and hippies…”’ fessors of Fantasy Art History call these “Speed- through vis. new developments in the semiotics of this equaled a good time. Tex: At this point, before she had taken lines”. Try a few out around the sword. Fantasy art. Dex: The highlight of the evening was any clothes off, I thought I might be able when Stevie the to escape any possible ‘S p i d e rg i r l ’ s a u n t e r e d mental damage and took up on stage to the o ff for the can. strains of the U n f o r t u n a t e l y, I didn’t R a m o n e s ’ take long enough… ‘Spiderman.’ Cowboy Bob: Dude, I Tex: Yeah man, her couldn’t wait to see her costume was big hairy bush! soooooooooooo cool. Tex: Aughhhh… She had the mask and Dex: And I’m thinking MALABIMBA everything and this “no, it’s not possible”… 1976 In my last visit at Reel Horror, Jess strong- glow-in-the-dark web- but, it was possible… dis- ly recommended an Italian movie called MAL- bing on her pants. gustingly possible…. ABIMBA, suggesting that I would probably like it a Spiderman never Te x : Dude, the dress Reel Horror, the video looked so hot… comes off and it’s a fright- store which has been lot. I would never have been drawn to that title, but now must admit that she sure knows her customers. Dex: She was hot and eningly bemuffed gigantic providing me with the flexible. I’ve never hairy BEAST. I don’t material to review over MALABIMBA(its literal title translation would be seen a dancer do the think I’ve ever seen a the past several months, POSSESSION OF AN ADOLESCENT) is a 1979 splits so eff o r t l e s s l y. t h i c k e r, coarser, darker, is re-locating — after Eurosleaze take on THE EXORCISTand the phrase She worked the pole nastier thatch of pubic taking a much-needed “erotically charged” seems to have been made for it. so skillfully she was practically hanging growth in my life. hiatus as of midnight The original version is technically hardcore due to from the ceiling – Dex: It was as if she had clumsily Krazy the inclusion of a few penetration inserts, but they Cowboy Bob: Heh heh… you said Glued some faux fur between her legs. November 30, until ‘worked the pole’… Tex: Or a small helpless animal. sometime hopefully not are entirely unnecessary when you have a lot of catholic nuns, a sexually-possessed teenager, and Tex: The acts that followed didn’t quite Cowboy Bob: The worst part was that it too far into the new year. match up to her performance… except looked like she had actually tried trim- Apparently their building fuzzy animal-toy fetishists… take note — this film for the free poster ming it into a triangle… and it was owner is some yuppie may be the earliest example of stuffie sex, as the pre- moment. bad, bad, bad… slumlord-wannabee so cocious teen’s companions are utilized for some Dex: One of the dancers Tex: You couldn’t even see anything. they are taking their delectably lewd nuzzling. Rounding things out, we tried throwing a poster to Dex: Mentally scarred, we ran scream- growing business and note that the Italian filmmakers are inclined to linger us, but she was crap at ing from the hairy snatch to the com- naturally with the nudity, rather than try to shock and throwing posters and fort of the Fraser Arms for a couple clientele elsewhere. Meanwhile, log onto reel-hor - missed. Tex tried getting it more drinks and a little more pussy. ror.com for your scare-porn updates. I trust the intel- tease with brief flashes like in American movies. The soundtrack is great too, but that’s no surprise for 70’s anyways, and succeeded Tex: What would we do without the ligent and culturally astute South Main folks will in knocking it away from Arms…? continue to avoid that bloated, censoring pig of Italo product. some other guy by drunk- Dimitrios Otis video-storedom known as Blockbuster. enly stabbing the guy’s Illustrations by Ms Dexter

26 we filmed it for part of the episode. Mi k e : Oh, me too. I get a kick out of Mi k e : Well, season 2, yeah. We’ v e just… we didn’t have the street TRAILER PARK Ne r v e : I guess you only get one take the show. I’ve only seen the first shot in three different parks now… in blocked off or anything, we just shot at that? episode of season 3. season 4 we’re hoping to bu i l d a park. it, sort of… with no permit… and we BOYS Mi k e : Yeah, only one take at that Ne r v e : Do you get to watch them all [l a u g h s ] were supposed to just skid about 30 one. We [had] two points where I got be f o r e they air, or do you wait and Ne r v e : Re a l l y ? feet and stop in front of the bank… ...continued on the stage, but the second time it watch them on T.V. ? Mi k e : Yeah, you know, all you’d and fuckin’ Robb was driving, and wagon hooked to it. It made for some was right before the encore, so the Mi k e : I usually watch at least the need are shells of trailers… nobody tested the car out before hand pretty funny scenes. house lights were up and they had a rough cuts. Then I wait for them to air Ne r v e : I guess you’d have a lot more (which was ready to just crumble any- Ne r v e : Wh e re ’ s Bubbles living in the big Jumbotron screen — a hundred- before I watch the final cuts. But even co n t ro l . … way). So we came rippin’down, holy new season? foot screen — and their camera guys if you do watch it beforehand, it’s still Mi k e : Well, yeah, that’s the thing… fuck, and I had the glasses on so I Mi k e : He ’ s got a real nice new shed. filmed me, you know, put me on the not the same as watching it on T.V . season 3 was really, really fuckin’ co u l d n ’ t really see — I was in the At the end of season two, the boys screen, so Mike was able to shoot me Th e r e ’ s always this weird excitement hard to shoot because the park was a back seat — and we came to the skid went to jail, but they’d sold the dope and the screen and the crowd… when it’s actually beamed into all fairly small park and it had one and only one tire locked up, and we and so, at the start of season 3 the boys Ne r v e : Wow . these homes…. entrance, which was a really bad idea skidded a hundred and sixty feet. have a few dollars to throw around. Mi k e : I haven’t seen any of that Ne r v e : Bubbles is in the latest SNOW because every bit of traffic in and out Ne r v e : Holy shit! Ne r v e : So they buy Bubbles a new footage yet, but I’m obviously looking video. How did that happen? of the park has to go through this one Mi k e : On a narrow street, too. I can’t sh e d . forward to that. So, that’s going to be Mi k e : It just sort of came out of section, which is where we were usu- believe we didn’t fuckin’ take out Mi k e : Yep. Julian buys me a new a real good… hopefully, a rea l go o d nowhere. I got a phone call from EMI ally shooting…. somethin’. So, that’s the first scene! shed and Ricky buys me a go-kart. ep i s o d e . and they said that SNOWis a big fan Ne r v e : So it was like playing roa d Ne r v e : You kept that take? The first episode back is pretty funny Ne r v e : How did the crowd rea c t of the show — particularly of Bubble hockey when you were a kid — Mi k e : Oh, yeah. We had a camera — I just saw it the other day. Ricky’s when they saw Bubbles on the big — and was wondering what the “CAR” then “GAME ON”? mounted to the car and on the micro- not great with money, to say the sc re e n ? chances of [me] being in the new Mi k e : Virtually identical to that. phone of that camera. When we least… Mi k e : There were a lot of people video were. First, I wasn’t going to do We’d be shooting a scene and most played it back, you can hear me Ne r v e : What else is in store for the yelling “BUBBLES!” from the it, but… people are pretty patient and will wait screaming in the car going, “HOLY gang in the new season? crowd. It was a pretty bizarre experi- Ne r v e : You had some res e rv a t i o n s ? till until they know we’re done shoot- FUCK!” [laughs] So, I think we blew Mi k e : Um, there’s an episode with ence. But, yeah, season 3… I don’t Mi k e : Yeah, I don’t remember why I ing. But, there were a few hostile peo- the scripted dialogue because we were Ru s h . know what I can really tell you about wa s n ’ t going to do it at first, but then ple in the park… people who’ll just so fuckin’shook, but we got up and Ne r v e : Really? Some cameos? it, but I think it’s definitely going to be I talked to the director and he really fu c k i n ’ barrel right through the middle stayed in character and, I forget what I Mi k e : More than a cameo, actually. the best set of episodes yet. wanted me to do it. Then, after I’d of the scene and not give a fuck if they said, something like, “did you see that Alex Lifeson, the guitar player, called N e r v e : Season two ended pre t t y talked to a few other people, I though, hit anybody. So, to have our own park, fu c k i n ’ skid?” or something like that. up and said that he wanted to do a cr a z i l y … yeah, what the hell. Then, after I’d we’d really only need about twenty That was a bit of a nerve-wracking cameo. He said he’s being watching Mi k e : [laughs] Yeah, the big helicop- done it, I wsa glad that I had because shells, and we could shoot it to look a da y . the show since day one and was won- ter chase… that was a fun one to it was a really good time. And it was lot bigger. Plus, if we had our own Ne r v e : Danger pay. dering if it was at all possible to do a shoot. Season 3 has definitely the cra- definitely good exposure for the show. park, we could fuckin’ blow trailers Mi k e : Yeah. So, hopefully, people cameo or have some kind of a walk- ziest stuff we’ve shot… there’s a lot of Ne r v e : Do you get recognized a lot up and ram cars through them… will like this season. I think it’s going on on the show. Mike, the director, st u f f going on… there’s some good when you go out? which we actually did this year. to be good. just said, “Well, why don’t we write a underwater stuff… Mi k e : I don’t so much when I’m by Ne r v e : Re a l l y ? Ne r v e : I read that you’ve done 8 show about you, about Alex Lifeson?” Ne r v e : Any new characters? myself, but when I’m out with Robb Mi k e : Yeah, we put a car through a episodes for the new season. And Alex was totally into it. So we Mi k e : No, there’s no new permanent and J.P., who look virtually identical tr a i l e r . [laughs] Yeah, there is some Mi k e : Yep . ch a r a c t e r s . to Ricky and Julian, they get recog- good action this year… a few more Ne r v e : And that starts when? wrote an episode about Rush, where th Bubbles becomes Al e x ’ s guitar tech. Ne r v e : Is everyone back for season nized immediately, and if I’m with stunts like that, things blowing up… Mi k e : April 6 on Showcase. Ne r v e : Re a l l y ? 3? them, people clue in and are like “holy Ne r v e : Do you use any stunt doubles Mi k e : Alex flew down and we shot Mi k e : Yeah, everybody’s there… sh i t ! ” on the show? Catch re- r uns of episodes from sea - with him here for 3 days, and then we th e r e ’ s a great, great Lahey and Randy Ne r v e : Do you hang out a lot outside Mi k e : Well, when we rammed the car sons 1 and 2 Sunday nights on went to Toronto on October 22nd an d episode where Mr. Lahey finally of the set? through the trailer, we had to use a Showcase (39) at 9:00 pm, and for I got on stage with Rush at the Ai r snaps and goes insane… it’s pretty Mi k e : Oh yeah, pretty much every- stunt guy… but, other than that, it’s all m o re info, go to Canada Centre for a concert — there fu n n y . Tri n i t y , Ricky’s daughter in da y . us. We actually did a crazy fuckin’ ww w. s h o w c a s e . c a / t r a i l e r p a r k b o y s were about 27, 000 people there — season one, is back. Ne r v e : I heard that you actually live stunt… it’s the first scene of season and I got on the stage as Bubbles, and Ne r v e : I’m definitely looking forwa r d really close to the park where you 3… we come rippin’ along in the Bradley C. Damsgaard to this season starti n g . sh o o t ? Shitmobile and we’re supposed to

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