2 3 4 Are You White Trash? Does the bluebook value on your truck go up and down, d Even some kitties are white trash... THE NERVE HIT SQUAD! INNARDS King Pin (a/k/a Editor-In-Chief) Bradley C. Damsgaard The Getaway Driver (a/k/a Production Trailer Park Boys p. 15 Manager) Pierre Lortie Right Hand (a/k/a Contributing Editor) Heather Watson Numbers p. 10 Map and Details (a/k/a Art Director) Saturnin Father (a/k/a Visual Arts Editor) Jason Ainsworth S.T.R.E.E.T.S p. 9 Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) Elizabeth Nolan Ed’s Blurb The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics) Pierre Lortie, Saturnin, B. Damage Death From Above p. 11 Wise Guy (a/k/a Illustrator) ell, I gotta say, it actually appears that things in this two horse cock ‘n’ balls town are looking up. With all the NPA fuck-ups on city council Mike O Wturfed and a new mayor who’s established more of a public image in The Enforcer (a/k/a Copyeditor) just a few days than Owen did in his entire time in the mayor’s chair, hell, we Leather Twatson just might be heading into a new year with at least a dime bag’s worth of prom- The Muscle (a/k/a StaffWriters) C O L U M N S ise. Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Mike O, Jeff Oliver, Elizabeth Nolan, addict, Casey We’ve also got some nice lookin’ new live venues on the scene: 303 Live Bourque, Sinister Sam, Jason Ainsworth, p. 6 (Columbia Hotel) and Unit 20 Legion of Vancouver (300 W. Pender) and the Leather Twatson, Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, Civixen (the old Media Club under the Queen E.) … and though we seem Green Room Dmidtrui Otis, Jason Wertman, Bjorn Olson, to have lost The Cobalt (temporarily?) things were going to move to the Balmoral, but apparently that’s not happening now, stay tuned... and we should Angela Fama, Billy Hopeless, Dave Crusty, Tex and Dex p, 26 see shit at the Brickyard picking up with a new promoter (I know, another one, Vanessa Samson but this one knows what he’s doing, trust me). The Cleaner (a/k/a Cover Design) Saturnin It’s rainin’ Men p. 26 I’d like to extend a personal thanks to all the bands who played and all of you Advertising (a/k/a Fire Insurance) rockers and rollers who came out to Festival of Guns last month (who ever Brad Damsgaard thought we’d get to see the Mckenzies at the fuckin’Astoria?) but, yeah, the fes- Intern (a/k/a Baby Face) Ridin’ Shotgun p. 19 tival was a smashing success and I’ll plan to do it all again next year…only big- Gregory Adams ger and louder and with MORE BEER! Check out www.festival- remnants of my former Christmas retail days... my heart goes out... suckers. The Nerve is published monthly by The Nerve p. 11 ofguns.com throughout the year Hopelessness Magazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the for updates. writers and artists do not necessarily reflect those of The Nerve Magazine or its editors. First pub - S E C T I O N S Alright, yeah, stop it, the rumours are lishing rights only are property of the Nerve true, alright? The Nerve is starting a Magazine. The Nerve does not accept responsibil- record label in the New Year. Nerve ity for content in advertisements. The Nerve Records. (catchy name, huh?) “Why do Skateboarding p. 21 reserves the right to refuse any advertisement or I think the world needs another lousy submission and accepts no responsibility for unso - fuckin’ indie label?” you might ask. licited manuscripts or artwork... blah, balh, ablh. Good question. Because it’s insane and Live Wires p. 17 Copyright 2002 I’m a sucker for insanity. Don’t worry, you’ll hear about it when it actually Off the Record p. 20 launches ‘cause I’m gonna throw one CHANGE OF ADDRESS!! hell of a muthafuckin’party. Send Everything to: 508 - 825 Granville St. Fashion p. 13 Just so y’all know, this here, our Vancouver, B.C. D o u b l e - Wide White Trash Christmas V6Z 1K9 Issue, is for both December and 604.734.1611 January. I gotta go to Moosejaw for a Straight 8 p. 22 st weddin’ this Chri’tmas. Expect us again Feb. 1 … BACK on our regular www.thenervemagazine.com monthly schedule. Editor-in-Chief [email protected] Puzzles and Comics p. 24-25 [email protected] down, depending on how much gas is in it? Do you let your twelve- year-old 5 First Annual Shit of the Year! ongratulations to all this year’s winners. Runner-up: Me – always so brave, so stoic… The Gillian Guess Award for Unrepentant why, you’d almost have thought the networks If anyone wants an official certificate, boys, don’t you want to put a smile on my face? Media Whores of the Year(Local) were endorsing the NPA… buuut of course, C(though I can’t imagine why) I’d be Growbusters. Why not just start your own they still got eviscerated! (Ha ha. Ha ha ha.) happy to Photoshop one up for you. I’m sure Twatson’s Photo-Op of the Year fucking magazine? You could call it Tiny Penis your mother will be very proud. Now, without Even Robin Bougie wrote about this moment in Overcompensation Digest. (TPOD… that Festering Sore of the Year further ado, the Shit of the Year! his latest CinemaSewer. It just goes to show might look okay on a mug.) Woodsquat. I miss the old days in the early 80’s, when the punk squat was centrally locat- Cunt of the Year(Local) The Gillian Guess Award for Unrepentant ed in a nice part of town (in what is now the Jennifer Clarke Media Whores of the Year(International) Granville 7 Cinemas). Sigh… good times. R u n n e r- u p: Tie - Me, Sandy McCormick. PETA. From their base a continent away in Sandy and I are neck-in-neck, so, clearly I am Norfolk, Virginia, these little fuckfaces thought Done to Death Look of the Year going to have to work hard to outcunt her over they were justified in taking out an ad in The The zip-up velour hooded track suit. the next year. But, stay tuned – I am highly Province that contained gory details of the Runner up: The fauxhawk. favoured for the number one position in ‘03, alleged (and reportedly quite heinous) crimes at given that top cunts Clarke and McCormick are the Pickton pig farm – an action which not only Dangerously Close to the Precipice Already now both unemployed. Tee hee. More civic contravened the Crown’s publication ban but, if Look of the Year gloating to follow. it had indeed been published (which it was The fedora. Let’s just restrict the number of clearly not, because we are not a bunch of fuck- guys who can wear them to two (Larry Cunt of the Year(International) ing IDIOTS), it would have certainly blown the Campbell and Jim Green, and even then, not at George W. Bush (and everyone please remem- whole case for the prosecution. So let me get the same time) and keep it at that, for all our ber, Cunt of the Year is a non-gender specific this straight – PETA wants people to stop eating sakes. People start thinking they can get away position.) pork, and they think the way to do that is to with fedoras and suddenly there is all this R u n n e r- u p: Jonah Goldberg. Spawn of that if you expose your breast in public to a contaminate the largest serial murder investiga- creepy Remington Steele energy in the air. Lucianne Goldberg, perhaps the most univer- world-famous porn star, you too can receive tion this country has ever known and thereby Trust me – no onewants that. sally-loathed profiteer in the Clinton impeach- passing mentions in smutty local magazines! risk letting that mulleted reptile Willie go free. ment scandal. Right-wing gasbag Jonah wrote a (Remind me again, why am I not being invited Yeah, well, excuse me if I don’t phone for a Accidental Martyrof the Year nasty cover article for the National Review to more parties?) membership package. Philip Owen. The victim of Machiavellian (Friday Nov. 8, 2002), a magazine that is home machinations who happened to finally get on to other right-wing gasbags. The cover head- Bartenders of the Year Stand-up Broad of the Year the right side of one important issue (and, con- line called Canadians “Wimps,” and he basical- Erik, Mike D and Lucia @ the Side Door. Ann Livingston, the Mother Teresa of the DES veniently, did so on film). Hey, that’s politics, ly went on about how totally useless we are as Because like flowers in a garden, each is a thing Demimonde (organizer of the Vancouver Area Paco. Sure, it’s a bitch … but don’t expect a a country. I would just like to take this opportu- of unique beauty. Network of Drug Users, seen in Nettie Wild’s fruit basket. nity to invite Jonah to come to Vancouver and documentary “Fix”). read his article – whether at Restaurant of the Year / Runner-up: Jamie Lee Hamilton (founder of To all my friends out there in Nerveland: the Cobalt Annex (the Spa of the Year/ Salon of G r a n d m a ’s House, a Balmoral), the Roxy or any of the Ye a r / Shop of the place of refuge for sex Happy Hanukkah, Eid Va n c o u v e r’s finer late-night Year workers) Mubarak, Happy establishments or legion halls None.