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October 2008 Night Out WithPAGE the 6 Pope... Page 11 Obama feels Pretty Published Since 1987 October 10, 2008 A Sober Look At the eLection A Tufts Student Publication zombie photo-op!...page 1 INSIDE THIS ISSUE: The Great Muppet AS READ BY Election...PAGE 2 SARAH PALIN! Failed Political Parties... PAGE 8 BEHOLD, The Anti-Tisch.... Bazooka John...PAGE 13 PAGE 5 A Word from the Editor Let's face it folks: we live in dark times. Terrorists are plotting against us like many Lex Luthors against our Supermen, the ice caps are melting so fast that soon we'll all need to invest in October 10, 2008 Vol.XX No.1 swimmies, and I'm pretty sure a butcher from Svenborgia could buy out all of Wall Street. And the candidates don't make me feel any more optimistic. On one hand, we have McCain and Palin Editor-in-Chief with their extreme stance against abortion, even in cases of rape, incest, and prophecies of giving Devin "Vitamin D" Toohey birth to a tarantula/tadpole monster. And on the other hand, there's Obama, who just seems a bit too perfect. As in, there's definitely something he's hiding. My money's on a cyborg, an alien, Managing Editors or a Dracula or some form or permutation thereof. Luke "Nixon-Face" Burns Julie "Grilled Cheese & Vodka" With all this doom and gloom lingering around the air like a really bad fart, how do we Gomstyn live our lives? Sarah Palin urges us to ignore who dealt it (though it was she who smelt it) and Editors-at-Large to think of where we go next, and oddly enough, I think I agree with her (though I still contend Matthew "Cream Cakes" Luz with her "solve global warming state-by-state" position). We at the Zamboni have one solution and one solution alone: comedy. Our country may be going to Hell, but at least we can have a Ryan "Where's Arya?" Oliveira few laughs before the end of the world. Mike "It's Too Hot for Research!" Schecht In the spirit of that philosophy, we present an issue of election-themed satire, sure to tickle Will "Super-Pretty" Sokoloff your funny bone, and make you forget we're all fucked. Staff Coorain "Sniffles" Devin Ain't that a kick in the head? Ian "Chernobyl Kid" Donovan Nathaniel "Chocolate Icing" Gilmore Chris "Rough and Final" Poldoian Lucas "Not Dan!" Schlager Daniel "Compost Heap" Testa Scott "Toilet Paper" Tingley Max "No Liver" Tolkoff WANT TO BE LIKE THE Monica "Silky Chicken" Wong BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE? Editors Emeritus: Anne "Frau Hipster" Fricker Come to the Zamboni! Sarah "Fire Drill" Jacknis Kate "Mastermind" Peck Tuesdays at 10 pm Katie "Mayonnaise" Ray Campus Center Room 219 Mark "Bad Boyz II" Villanueva (most of the time) Lauren "Sexy Gorilla" Vigdor Michael "Midget XXX" Yarsky Or email us at [email protected] Submissions welcome! Disclaimer and Editorial Policy: The Zamboni is a student-run humor and satire publication of Tufts University. In no way do the views expressed herein necessarily reflect those of Tufts University, or even the editors. So, don't go e-mailing the people listed in the staff box, especially since we make some of the names up. All material is meant to be viewed as humorous and should not be taken seriously, but keep in mind, we still love a good Viewpoints face-off. We accept any and all submissions from Tufts students, but we will not take your first born due to legal reasons (the Gomstyn-Luz Clause). Submissions to The Zamboni are screened by the Editor-in-Chief and/or the Editorial Staff. Decisions are made on the completely subjective grounds of their humor content, but if you're a legacy, we have to take you (the Oliveira Clause). October 10, 2008 The Zamboni Page 1 News When you've already done the Daily's Sudoku Movie Studios Proceed with Plan to Kill Off Movie Stars by Devin Toohey The idea has gotten mixed responses from celebrities. “I think it’s a great LOS ANGELES – Following the co- idea,” said High School Musical 3’s lossal success of The Dark Knight, Vanessa Hudgens shortly before a movie studios have begun to reevalu- sniper bullet went through her head. ate their marketing strategies. “For “I mean, I would love for posters of years, we thought that posters, trail- me with my final catchphrase to be ers, websites, and so forth were the hung on every freshman’s wall right way to get people to see a film,” says next to an alcohol-themed parody of executive Jason Becker. “It was not an inspiration poster and that picture until this summer that we realized we of the five chicks with the Pink Floyd were missing the crucial element: a album backs. That’s totally worth an dead star. Heath’s noble sacrifice for early deat-ACK!” Warner Brothers did more for public “Honestly, I’m a bit perturbed,” interest in The Dark Knight than a remarked Samuel L. Jackson (who thousand talk-show appearances could disappointingly does not say “mother- have. Mr. Ledger was a pioneer. He fucker” in normal conversation). “I will be missed. But at least he’ll was all set to be the sacrificial lamb soon have company.” Becker held so Soul Men would be a hit, but in- up a poster of the upcoming remake stead, they went with Bernie [Mac] of The Day the Earth Stood Still and and Isaac [Hayes]. Darnit. Oh well, said, “We’ve already put out a hit on there’s always The Spirit.” Keanu Reeves.” Some such as Daniel Radcliffe of Another executive agreed with Harry Potter fame has reservations Becker’s sentiment. “Actors always about the nascent marketing strategy. talk about dying for their art. It’s “All I know is, the second we’re done time we really test that,” he said as he filming Deathly Hallows, I’m fly- Sombrero and Groucho Glasses: When an Invisibility Cloak just drove an axe into Eagle Eye star Shia ing off to Argentina. And they will won't cut the mustard LeBeouf’s head. “Three times oughta never, ever find me. Never. Buenos do it, right?” noches.” Misguided Sex Solves Social Security by Matthew Luz WASHINGTON, DC - A long a couple of young interns from solution: more young Ameri- Though revelations of seven- forgotten component of the Nevada. The president’s staff cans paying taxes. “During the teen students getting pregnant Bush legacy was the adminis- was universally in favor of it.” beginning of the spring months, together, possibly by hiring out tration’s abortive plan to fix the After handing out copies of the Social Security Administra- a homeless man, shocked many aging Social Security system. Penthouse to the press staff, tion with the US Department of Americans, the administration is However, in an impromptu press Perino brought up a PowerPoint Health and Human Services be- enthusiastic over their project. conference today White House slide explains the finer details gan ‘Plan B’ at Gloucester High “See,” exclaimed Perino, “it’s Press Secretary Dana Perino an- of the administration’s proposal. School in Massachusetts,” stated not just Social Security. With nounced that the Bush adminis- The essential problem, she said, Perino. “Instead of fighting the this, we can even beat homeless- tration had, like Iraq, worked the was too many old people cash- natural horniness of America’s ness.” kinks out of the original plan. ing into Social Security without teens, let’s harness it to fix social Reports of a pilot program in “It was actually worked up by the money to pay them. Their security, like mice on a wheel.” Juneau remain unconfirmed. Page 2 The Zamboni October 10, 2008 Breaking Election News Even though you're not actually going to vote. Sesame Street Elections Now In Full Swing Bush Thanks Nation For Helping Him Grow by Daniel Testa as a Person by Luke Burns WASHINGTON D.C.- As the second debate between the candidates for the presidency WASHINGTON D.C.- The weekly radio ad- of PBS child programming draws near, ten- dress took an introspective turn this weekend sions are high in both camps. The Muppet when President Bush abruptly changed top- incumbents lead by Kermit the Frog have ics mid-speech, choosing to speak to the na- faced increasing pressure from the Sesame tion about his personal growth over the last Street Candidate Elmo over the declining eight years rather than the financial crisis. state of PBS ratings as well accusations of “My fellow Americans,” a noticeably wist- corruption. ful Bush said, “Being president has been Many expect this debate to follow the same an amazing journey for me. I’ll be honest. pattern as the first. Elmo has continued to I didn’t always have the best work ethic hammer home the message that PBS char- before I became president. Heck, I didn’t acters are worse off than they were before always have the best work ethic when I the Muppets gained control. was president. But, if there’s one thing the "Elmo respects Mr. Kermit's years of presidency teaches you, it’s the value of hard service to ths network," Elmo said. "But work. And I’m excited to put this knowl- Elmo also knows that Kermit is out of touch! edge to good use in whatever job I choose to Kermit can not relate to struggles of ordinary tackle next.” muppets!" It's not easy being a sitting Preident during an elec- Bush added, “In some ways, I wish I could Elmo added, "Elmo know that Elmo's op- toral cycle in which the political climate is increas- have another eight years of being presi- ponent's tax plan is bad for middle class! ingly hostile towards incumbents! dent, just so I could use all the knowledge Yay!" this great channel.
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