Night Out WithPAGE the 6 Pope... Page 11

Obama feels Pretty Published Since 1987 October 10, 2008 A Sober Look at the Election

A Tufts Student Publication zombie photo-op!...page 1 INSIDE THIS ISSUE:

The Great Muppet AS READ BY Election...PAGE 2

SARAH PALIN! Failed Political ... PAGE 8

BEHOLD, The Anti-Tisch.... Bazooka John...PAGE 13 PAGE 5 A Word from the Editor Let's face it folks: we live in dark times. Terrorists are plotting against us like many Lex Luthors against our Supermen, the ice caps are melting so fast that soon we'll all need to invest in October 10, 2008 Vol.XX No.1 swimmies, and I'm pretty sure a butcher from Svenborgia could buy out all of Wall Street. And the candidates don't make me feel any more optimistic. On one hand, we have McCain and Palin Editor-in-Chief with their extreme stance against abortion, even in cases of rape, incest, and prophecies of giving Devin "Vitamin D" Toohey birth to a tarantula/tadpole monster. And on the other hand, there's Obama, who just seems a bit too perfect. As in, there's definitely something he's hiding. My money's on a cyborg, an alien, Managing Editors or a Dracula or some form or permutation thereof. Luke "Nixon-Face" Burns Julie "Grilled Cheese & Vodka" With all this doom and gloom lingering around the air like a really bad fart, how do we Gomstyn live our lives? Sarah Palin urges us to ignore who dealt it (though it was she who smelt it) and Editors-at-Large to think of where we go next, and oddly enough, I think I agree with her (though I still contend Matthew "Cream Cakes" Luz with her "solve global warming state-by-state" position). We at the Zamboni have one solution and one solution alone: comedy. Our country may be going to Hell, but at least we can have a Ryan "Where's Arya?" Oliveira few laughs before the end of the world. Mike "It's Too Hot for Research!" Schecht In the spirit of that philosophy, we present an issue of election-themed satire, sure to tickle Will "Super-Pretty" Sokoloff your funny bone, and make you forget we're all fucked. Staff Coorain "Sniffles" Devin Ain't that a kick in the head? Ian "Chernobyl Kid" Donovan Nathaniel "Chocolate Icing" Gilmore Chris "Rough and Final" Poldoian Lucas "Not Dan!" Schlager Daniel "Compost Heap" Testa Scott "Toilet Paper" Tingley Max "No Liver" Tolkoff WANT TO BE LIKE THE Monica "Silky Chicken" Wong BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE? Editors Emeritus: Anne "Frau Hipster" Fricker Come to the Zamboni! Sarah "Fire Drill" Jacknis Kate "Mastermind" Peck Tuesdays at 10 pm Katie "Mayonnaise" Ray Campus Center Room 219 Mark "Bad Boyz II" Villanueva (most of the time) Lauren "Sexy Gorilla" Vigdor Michael "Midget XXX" Yarsky Or email us at [email protected]

Submissions welcome!

Disclaimer and Editorial Policy: The Zamboni is a student-run humor and satire publication of Tufts University. In no way do the views expressed herein necessarily reflect those of Tufts University, or even the editors. So, don't go e-mailing the people listed in the staff box, especially since we make some of the names up. All material is meant to be viewed as humorous and should not be taken seriously, but keep in mind, we still love a good Viewpoints face-off. We accept any and all submissions from Tufts students, but we will not take your first born due to legal reasons (the Gomstyn-Luz Clause). Submissions to The Zamboni are screened by the Editor-in-Chief and/or the Editorial Staff. Decisions are made on the completely subjective grounds of their humor content, but if you're a legacy, we have to take you (the Oliveira Clause). October 10, 2008 The Zamboni Page 1 News When you've already done the Daily's Sudoku Movie Studios Proceed with Plan to Kill Off Movie Stars by Devin Toohey The idea has gotten mixed responses from celebrities. “I think it’s a great LOS ANGELES – Following the co- idea,” said High School Musical 3’s lossal success of The Dark Knight, Vanessa Hudgens shortly before a movie studios have begun to reevalu- sniper bullet went through her head. ate their marketing strategies. “For “I mean, I would love for posters of years, we thought that posters, trail- me with my final catchphrase to be ers, websites, and so forth were the hung on every freshman’s wall right way to get people to see a film,” says next to an alcohol-themed parody of executive Jason Becker. “It was not an inspiration poster and that picture until this summer that we realized we of the five chicks with the Pink Floyd were missing the crucial element: a album backs. That’s totally worth an dead star. Heath’s noble sacrifice for early deat-ACK!” Warner Brothers did more for public “Honestly, I’m a bit perturbed,” interest in The Dark Knight than a remarked Samuel L. Jackson (who thousand talk-show appearances could disappointingly does not say “mother- have. Mr. Ledger was a pioneer. He fucker” in normal conversation). “I will be missed. But at least he’ll was all set to be the sacrificial lamb soon have company.” Becker held so Soul Men would be a hit, but in- up a poster of the upcoming remake stead, they went with Bernie [Mac] of The Day the Earth Stood Still and and Isaac [Hayes]. Darnit. Oh well, said, “We’ve already put out a hit on there’s always The Spirit.” Keanu Reeves.” Some such as Daniel Radcliffe of Another executive agreed with Harry Potter fame has reservations Becker’s sentiment. “Actors always about the nascent marketing strategy. talk about dying for their art. It’s “All I know is, the second we’re done time we really test that,” he said as he filming Deathly Hallows, I’m fly- Sombrero and Groucho : When an Invisibility Cloak just drove an axe into Eagle Eye star Shia ing off to Argentina. And they will won't cut the mustard LeBeouf’s head. “Three times oughta never, ever find me. Never. Buenos do it, right?” noches.” Misguided Sex Solves Social Security by Matthew Luz WASHINGTON, DC - A long a couple of young interns from solution: more young Ameri- Though revelations of seven- forgotten component of the Nevada. The president’s staff cans paying taxes. “During the teen students getting pregnant Bush legacy was the adminis- was universally in favor of it.” beginning of the spring months, together, possibly by hiring out tration’s abortive plan to fix the After handing out copies of the Social Security Administra- a homeless man, shocked many aging Social Security system. Penthouse to the press staff, tion with the US Department of Americans, the administration is However, in an impromptu press Perino brought up a PowerPoint Health and Human Services be- enthusiastic over their project. conference today White House slide explains the finer details gan ‘Plan B’ at Gloucester High “See,” exclaimed Perino, “it’s Press Secretary Dana Perino an- of the administration’s proposal. School in Massachusetts,” stated not just Social Security. With nounced that the Bush adminis- The essential problem, she said, Perino. “Instead of fighting the this, we can even beat homeless- tration had, like Iraq, worked the was too many old people cash- natural horniness of America’s ness.” kinks out of the original plan. ing into Social Security without teens, let’s harness it to fix social Reports of a pilot program in “It was actually worked up by the money to pay them. Their security, like mice on a wheel.” Juneau remain unconfirmed. Page 2 The Zamboni October 10, 2008 Breaking Election News Even though you're not actually going to vote. Sesame Street Elections Now In Full Swing Bush Thanks Nation For Helping Him Grow by Daniel Testa as a Person by Luke Burns WASHINGTON D.C.- As the second debate between the candidates for the presidency WASHINGTON D.C.- The weekly radio ad- of PBS child programming draws near, ten- took an introspective turn this weekend sions are high in both camps. The Muppet when President Bush abruptly changed top- incumbents lead by Kermit the Frog have ics mid-speech, choosing to speak to the na- faced increasing pressure from the Sesame tion about his personal growth over the last Street Candidate Elmo over the declining eight years rather than the financial crisis. state of PBS ratings as well accusations of “My fellow Americans,” a noticeably wist- corruption. ful Bush said, “Being president has been Many expect this debate to follow the same an amazing journey for me. I’ll be honest. pattern as the first. Elmo has continued to I didn’t always have the best work ethic hammer home the message that PBS char- before I became president. Heck, I didn’t acters are worse off than they were before always have the best work ethic when I the Muppets gained control. was president. But, if there’s one thing the "Elmo respects Mr. Kermit's years of presidency teaches you, it’s the value of hard service to ths network," Elmo said. "But work. And I’m excited to put this knowl- Elmo also knows that Kermit is out of touch! edge to good use in whatever job I choose to Kermit can not relate to struggles of ordinary tackle next.” muppets!" It's not easy being a sitting Preident during an elec- Bush added, “In some ways, I wish I could Elmo added, "Elmo know that Elmo's op- toral cycle in which the political climate is increas- have another eight years of being presi- ponent's tax plan is bad for middle class! ingly hostile towards incumbents! dent, just so I could use all the knowledge Yay!" this great channel. I’ve accumulated. Believe me, some of the Additionally, Elmo referenced the experi- Ultimately both candidates will be aiming to things I’ve learned over the last eight years ences of his constituents to help bolster his win the minds of the moderate voters. Perhaps would really have come in handy during all case: It used to be that only one person lived the most important are the remains of the now the problems we’ve had over the last eight in a trashcan on Sesame Street; now every- defunct Real People . Even though the years. ” day Oscar wakes up and finds someone else Real People Party ceased to exist following Bush did acknowledge that his personal crammed into a dumpster near his own. the death of their leader Mr. Rogers, they presidential odyssey hasn’t always been easy Perhaps the most hyped moment of the de- may end up being the decisive votes in this on the American people. “I especially want bate will be an expected live appearance of election cycle. to thank the great citizens of this country,” The Count. After starting to count the entire However, many feel that the increasingly said Bush. “I know it 's been tough for you deficit of PBS under Muppet control nearly bitter debates will only harm PBS further. sometimes, but thanks to your generosity two years ago, it is rumored that he will reach Former candidate, and leader of the rapidly and kind indulgence, I’ve been able to learn the halfway point of $3,506,985,928. The growing Minority Cartoons Party, Dora the so much about myself.” bipartisan moderator Big Bird has requested Explorer has called for a civilized process fol- At the end of his address, the president that The Count be present to emphasize the lowed by unity in order to combat the threats challenged all Americans to better them- magnitude of the crisis facing PBS. facing PBS child programming. How can we selves. “I just wish everyone could run this However, Muppet spokesman Gonzo has hope to restore our rating and triumph over nation for two terms,” said Bush. “It’s really warned against underestimating Kermit. Pokémon and other network programming made me a much better person.” Kermit is a veteran politician who has lead instead of arguing policy we just bash each When asked for comment, the American the Muppet party for decades and is held in other's ideas? people said that while it’s great that Bush high regard far beyond PBS alone. Expect The debate is set to begin at 9PM on Thurs- was able to use the presidency to discover to hear that experience at the debate, and day following Nova, and certainly promises inner strength he never knew he had, they compare it to the track record of Elmo, who, to shake up this wild race yet again. wish he had just gone backpacking through to this day, has not proven he is ready to lead Europe after college, or something, instead. October 10, 2008 The Zamboni Page 3 Breaking Election News Is it November yet? Please say "yes." Obama's Vacuum Blowjob a Huge Hit With Voters by David Oreck Mr. Macintyre added with an uncomfortably placed CLIFTON, NJ- Presidential hopeful and wink. “His head is in the Democratic nominee Senator Barack right place.” Obama reached out to elderly Americans Other residents at Coun- across the nation Wednesday when he spent tryside Acres spoke with approximately forty-seven seconds having similar excitement, and his dick sucked by a VacuuMax ES 3992 many commented that they power vacuum at the Countryside Acres were sure, judging by the Nursing Colony. The senator emerged from noise, Obama had used the the sacred second floor janitorial closet to legendary “shag rug” set- the sounds of joyous mumbling and looks ting. The tactic, however, is of paternal approval emanating from the not a new one. The "blow- previously suspicious and cranky crowd. job in a vacuum" good luck “To tell you the truth, I didn’t think he charm has been around had it in him,” said longtime resident Jo- since JFK first introduced seph “Big Mac” Macintyre. “I’ve been a it to Countryside Acres in Republican all my life, and I was pretty 1960, and has been prac- skeptical of this young man’s readiness ticed by every Democratic To sway this crowd, you've got to think with your head. to serve as President. But this morning nominee since. Multiple Countryside Cain reacted rapidly later that day. Sena- I heard the senator made love to the very Acres’ nurses said they were just relieved tor McCain announced he was suspending machine that I had only hours earlier, and Senator Hilary Clinton did not win the his campaign in order to “return fire” at I realized I had been wrong about this one. nomination, as it might cause a repeat an impromptu press conference outside He’s just a God fearing, grass roots, sexu- of the 1988 Dukakis Incident, when the Hanscom’s Truck Stop in Safeton, North ally perverse American like the rest of us,” Governor’s vagina prevented him from Dakota. McCain responded to the news of receiving the legendary blessing. Obama’s orgasm by seizing a nearby tire Almost immediately after Obama fin- inflation hose, jamming it up his rectum ished, his orgasm sent shockwaves through and with a wild yell of “Papa, I’m comin’ the political world. Polls showed a surge home!” turned the pump on full blast. of almost 35% in support for Obama from “So Obama wants to play dirty with me, AARP members, sexually frustrated teen- huh? Well I can play dirty. I tried shit in age boys from Iowa, and adult fans of An- Vietnam you can’t even- oh sweet Jesus,” ime. Obamophiles took to the streets later moaned the Senator from Arizona, “ohhh... that day wielding their own vacuums and this can’t be good.” Though the severe immediately enacted the largest demon- damage to the senator’s colon may take stration of public masturbating in Ameri- weeks to repair, it is expected that this can history since the infamous “Jackson clever rebuttal will help McCain signifi- Jack-Off” fundraiser got out of hand in cantly in the highly contested Gas Station 1828. The Obama campaign released a Hooligan demographic, though, tragically, statement shortly afterwards clarifying his survival rules out any chance of an ad that the event had been planned well in hoc Darwin Award. advance, and were extremely pleased with both the blowjob given by the vacuum and This article has been brought to you by the explosively positive response from the VacuuMax, presidential campaign con- Decreasing this nation's rate of janitorial turnovers masses. tributor since Hebert Hoover. VaccuMax, since 1992. Republican nominee Senator John Mc- for all your sucking needs. Page 4 The Zamboni October 10, 2008 Tufts' Rugby, Ultimate Teams Clash. by Ryan Olivera MEDFORD, MA- Wednesday night marked the latest skirmish in a running gang feud on campus when a group of players from Tufts Rugby Club engaged in a devastating dance- off with the Ultimate Frisbee Team. According to the police report, the danger- ously flamboyant altercation began when a group of Tufts Rugby wingers on their way to practice were accosted by a roving band of Ultimate players. After trading stunningly Another pair of doomed Rugby/Ultimate lovers. choreographed punches, the two teams hopped, slapped and cartwheeled over each Frank Whiskermittens, local deli propri- ously elevated after an incident last month other through Middlesex and Suffolk coun- etor, described the toe-tappingly rhythmic when Brad “Chino” Worthington of the ties, finally coming to stop when a rugby brawl as “horrid, but with a beat you can Ultimate team defaced Tufts Rugby’s paint- forward stage-tripped the champion ninja dance to.” Police reports place three-pointed ed cannon with the word “stinks.” The two handler into the Boston Harbor. Approaching pirouettes, hair gel and displaced human teams have a long history of gang-related police sirens and potentially music-muffling teeth as being present in equal proportions violence that originated with a minor dispute construction going on in Logan Airport during the clash. over whether a Give and Go Weave or No. 8 forced both gangs to angrily disperse after- The violence occurred with ire on both Pickup was better suited to the tune of Leon- wards, theatrically vowing revenge. sides at an all-time high, the tension danger- ard Bernstein’s “I Feel Pretty”. Vegansexuality Comes to Tufts by Corey Walch concerned group, TEMS, is worried that this trend will show an increase in vegetable MEDFORD, MA - A recent poll shows a related medical emergencies. “I don’t think surge in the amount of so-called vegansexu- TEMS truly understands VOX; we don’t do als attending Tufts. Vegansexuals, those who that shit, no matter how erotic cucumbers only have intimate relations with vegans, are, with their soft, supple skin and smooth have even started a support group, Vegans oblong shape,” said Blossom Kemp, vice On Ecstasy (VOX), and are petitioning to president of VOX, adding, “Shouldn’t they start a special interest house. “Meat eaters be more worried about the ecstasy thing?” just smell funny,” said one concerned vegan- Frat houses have taken note of the trend sexual, “and their entire bodies taste gross.” as well. “I don’t know if I could build a re- Other members of the new club displayed lationship with a girl who won’t eat meat in similar sentiments, stating, “I just can’t bring bed or anywhere for that matter,” said one myself to make love to someone who sweats member of Delta Upsilon. His frat brother the scent of carcasses.” chimed in, “Is beer vegan?” They also men- Some members of Tufts Student Senate tioned they were considering become vegan, have voiced complaints that funding such a in hopes of attracting the explosively grow- house would be redundant. “It’s called Crafts ing group. House, people,” said one anonymous junior Others are happy to the point of titillation representative. Leaders on VOX contend that about the movement. “Hopefully this will having sex with someone who had ham for This sex is 100% certified dolphin safe. create greater visibility for other groups of dinner is just as bad as flaying the skin off able to cut out sex with carnivores,” said one a similar nature,” said one anonymous stu- an adorable piglet. sophomore. “Eventually, I might even make dent, “I myself cannot have sex with anyone Some concerned fundamentalists see veg- it to full on vegansexualism.” Statements who eats peanut butter. I’m allergic. I don’t ansexuality as the gateway drug to actual such as these make traditionalists' blood want my ENTIRE body swelling up during veganism. “I eat meat, but so far I’ve been run cold. Cold like frozen steak. Another sex after all.” October 10, 2008 The Zamboni Page 5 Former Governor Donates Mad Bills to help Tufts Students By Nate Gilmore and Ian Donovan MEDFORD, MA- Tufts University and El- liot Spitzer, the former governor of New York, announced yesterday that Mr. Spitzer would drop a $65 million cash gift to cre- ate the Elliot Spitzer School of Hedonism and Self Service. “The new school will help Tufts students, faculty, alumni, mas- cots, and townies become reprehensibly sybaritic in every aspect of their lives while still pretending to give a shit about other people. The money donated by Mr. Spitzer will help shore up unique opportunities for all involved in the program, and represents the best gift ever given to Tufts in terms of pleasure rewards per ducat,” explained Tufts 3rd Lieutenant Provost of the Ridder- mark Alan Berensteinberger. “Yeah, we all know about the School of Citizenship. Even if we don’t actually un- derstand what it does, we know it’s a home Elliot Spitzer asks, "Why not?" for ultra-pretentious hippies who strive to ‘make the world a better place’. Tisch douchebags. It’s about time someone world more tolerable by helping others. They’re always all up in our business,” decided to represent the other side of the We here at the Spitzer School take one said Jim McGuff, a “resident badass” and spectrum, you know?” worldview, and one worldview only: the student of the school. “‘Have I saved a tree Spitzer, receiving a standing ovation from view of the individual. Seriously, if you today?’ No. But I did kick a squirrel in the the heretical crowd of Tufts students as he so much as offer to hold a door open for teeth while walking to English. No one ever began the dedication ceremony, said, “The someone in my sight, I will punch you in the wants to hear about that. We squirrel-kick- world we live in today is a difficult one. nose,” declared Pete “The Rod” Rotzenstein ers never get any respect; it’s always those Amoral escapades are becoming increas- as he finished clubbing a seal. “I won’t stand ingly difficult to keep hidden under a shell for that wussy bullshit. It’s all about looking of false righteousness. Only by uniting in out for number one.” When asked about the nefarious brotherhood like those hot bitch- unprecedented animal cruelty, Rod replied, es with their pants in that movie I saw like “The little bastard looked at me funny. The last week, can we possibly maintain a soci- Rod will not stand for these shenanigans. ety where greed and selfishness trample on Now go get me some lighter fluid, bitch.” the values we pretend to uphold.” Roused In summarizing the monumental day, by his speech accompanied by semi-erotic Spitzer stated, “The effects of this school bites of a banana between sentences, the will reach far beyond Tufts. Before me crowd reached orgiastic intensity. are the men and women who will provide A scene ensued that has not been witnessed the ideas, policies, dreams and scandals to since the infamous Roman Fondue Melt- shape our future into a sexual inferno. They downs of the early second century A.D. will spread their seed of corruption every- Located directly behind the Tisch School where they go, and in their wake there will of Citizenship – so as to utilize their back be scenes of such unspeakable debauchery entrance “all night long” - the Spitzer and perversion that our coming shall be like School takes a different approach to world- that of Bacchus himself.” He then was es- improvement than its neighbor. Which is to corted back to the police cruiser by a corps say they don’t better the world at all. “The of TUPD officers, who, onlookers agreed, Mmm, chocolate Roman decadence... Tisch guys, they try to make things in the had rather revealing uniforms on. vv Page 6 The Zamboni October 10, 2008 COSMO Magazine Presents: Who Should I Vote For? Confused about who to vote for? Uncertain of your sexual personality? Sure, McCain and Obama may talk a lot about taxes or the war in Iraq, but what does that mean to you? Do any of the candi- dates know how to find the G-Spot or how to pleasure your/their man? Take our quiz and see past all the slogans and buzzwords to find out which candidate would best your interests and get the approval of your girlfriends, as well as what kind of bedroom figure you are.

1. I see myself as: 9. I can see Russia: A) Fiscally conservative. A) On a map. B) Fiscally moderate. B) From my house. C) Fiscally liberal. C) Belatedly winning the Cold War if D) Very fiscally attractive. the United States keeps fucking up. D) If I jump REALLY REALLY high on 2. I think the troops in Iraq and Af- a trampoline. ghanistan should: A) Stay the course. 10. Butt sex is: B) Pull out before it's too late. A) Fun! C) HA! "Pull and Pray" didn't work for B) Sinful. Bristol! C) Keeps me from donating blood. D) Receive more Vaseline in their care D) Disgusting...but we should give packages. gays the right to marry as an apology for having to do that. 3. Sarah Palin is: A) Hot. 11. The item I'm most likely to put B) A twat. maple syrup on: C) Tina Fey's evil twin A) Pancakes. D) Blackmailing McCain with photos B) My genitals. of their recent escapades in order to Miss Johnny shows us that she knows how to C) In a bottle of vodka. mix work and play by zesting up that old, dull stay on the ticket D) My roommate's sheets. suit with some sassy pigtails! 4. Abortion is: C) Remembers my own name. 12. It's Saturday night. You are: A) Wrong. D) I don’t believe in destiny. I write A) Curling up with a good book and a B) Wrong, but we shouldn't ban it. my own fate. bottle of wine with some Vivaldi play- C) A great turn on. ing. D) Actually a funny word if you play 7. Wait, what? B) Looking at your half-naked body in with the syllables. Try it. Aah-booour- A) You heard me. the mirror, holding your gut, and curs- rrr-SHUN! B) The path of the samurai is to be the ing yourself for deciding to get the 3 locust, always with many, but always for $1 cookies at Subway. 5. Ralph Nader is: alone. C) Making signs for next week's pro- A) The People's Savior. C) Huh? test against the International Monetary B) Irrelevant. D) Let’s move on shall we? Fund. C) Still running? WTF. D) Rolling around in your excessive D) Sucking out my life force. 8. I get my news from: amounts of money and giggling. The A) The Zamboni hookers will be there soon. 6. I hope my grandma: B) www.cryingwhileeating.com A) Doesn’t find McCain attractive. C) the New York Times 13. Marry, Fuck, Kill: Mickey Mouse, B) Doesn’t refer to him as “that colored D) Foxy Network: , Balanced, and Bugs Bunny, Popeye fellow” when we have company. Double-D Cups A) Marry Mickey, Fuck Popeye, Kill vv October 10, 2008 The Zamboni Page 7 COSMO Magazine Presents: Who Should I Vote For? by Coorain Devin and Devin Toohey Bugs B) Marry Bugs, Fuck Mickey, Kill ANSWERS! Popeye C) Marry Popeye, Fuck Bugs, Kill Mickey KEY: A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, D = 4 D) Dude, forget those guys. It's all about Woody Woodpecker. 13-26: Your sexual personality is masochist. Masochists tend 14. You're out on a hot date, when suddenly your ex-college to identify with Ralph Nader roommate calls. You: and as a result, vote for him. A) Put your phone on silent. No Is it throwing your vote away? need to be rude to Mr. Dreamy across the table. Yes, but you can be bitter no B) Begin dancing to your ring matter who becomes presi- tone of "Mambo #5." dent. C) Your ex-college roommate is your hot date. Your third room- mate was constantly uncomfort- 27-40: Your sexual personal- able. ity is nonexistent. Your kind of D) Shoot your hot date in the face people usually vote for Sarah and receive your instructions Barack's make-up advice: Paint an inch thick! Less isn't for the next stage of Operation: more ladies! It's the 21st century and time for change! Palin, but in a pinch would vote for John McCain. Re- Honeybee. C) Dangerous, toxic, and flammable D) I don't know. What adjectives would member, if you have the baby, 15. I would describe my fashion style you use for spiked, iron chastity belt God forgives you for the orgy. as: paired with a Cafe Press t-shirt? A) Trendy and chic B) Sensible yet stylish 16. The Sex and the City I most as- 41-54: Your sexual personal- sociate with is: ity is 'lusty virgin.' Lusty virgins A) Carrie generally vote for Obama. You B) Samantha don't need any experience to C) The City D) Sex tell he's the best choice.

17. This quiz: 55-68: Your sexual personality A) Has renewed my faith in God. B) Took ten hours of my life that will I is sadistic. Sadists usually go never get back. Never. for the write in candidate. We C) Wait, I'm taking a quiz? suggest "Your Mom." D) What are you, C? A freakin' mo- ron? E) Don't say that, D! You know C's go- 0-16: You shouldn't ever vote. ing through a tough time right now! Ever. Ladies, don't forget to take full advantage of the C) Who invited you, E? Get out of privacy of the voting booth. This electoral process here! is all about YOU. F) And that's a wrap. Page 8 The Zamboni October 10, 2008 Zamboni's Ode to Failed Political Parties We here at the Zamboni 2008 Election Headquarters are bringing you with Matthew Luz the most dumbfounding, and in many cases disturbingly influential, political parties in America’s long and sordid history. After several months of diligent research in the Library of Congress – or maybe a half hour on Google – we’ve put together a small compendium of po- litical blocs sure to delight and entertain. We assure you that all these parties are real; we’d never lie to you. We save that for the probation hearing (just kidding Officer Shirky!). So without further ado, here they are: Progressive Party of 1912: You might Straight Talking American Govern- know this gem as the Bull-Moose Party, ment Party: Think about it. You might founded by that pugilistic and pugnacious have to ask your parents. politico, Theodore Roosevelt (a.k.a. Ol' Kick-You-in-the-Face). Incensed over the Green Nazi Party: Alright, this may Republican nomination going to the de- be some sort of twisted joke, but they cidedly corpulent William Howard Taft, do have a website. The Green Nazis Roosevelt told the GOP to kiss his trust- (Greenzies?) claim to take their political bustin' behind and formed The Progressive heritage from the Libertarian Party, the Party. Sadly, Roosevelt had just grown too Green Party, and the NSDAP (read: the awesome for the electorate, and Woodrow real Nazi party). With a heavy emphasis Vote Anti-Masonic in '08 or this could be you! 'Fourteen Points' Wilson would claim vic- on fascist policies, fervent white nation- tory. alism, and saving the whales, this party is es- sentially made up of eco-friendly skinheads. Anti-Nebraska Party: Because fuck Ne- braska, that's why. Part! Party! Party! and Sun-Ripened So one supposes it's like Oxfam meets Amer- Warm Tomato Party: ican History X. Marijuana Party: Dude, have you ever Ok, so these two groups are from that is- looked at that housing bill that's trapped land nation that's also a continent: Australia. Know Nothings: No, it's not a euphemism in committee? I mean really looked at that These parties would run in the Australian for the Republican Party (zing!) but in fact housing bill that's trapped in committee? Capital Territory election in 1989, amassing a semi-secretive American political party Hey Pelosi, quit bogartting the roach. So a staggering 1.86% of the votes. This would formed with the belief that Irish-Catholic yeah, I swear man, this last time we were be akin to 2,274,176 voters in the 2004 immigrants were destroying this country. so baked, we almost dumped all this cash American presidential election voting for Yes, Irish-Catholic immigrants, the Mexi- into some failing financial firm. What's that, 'Heywood Jablome.' It's a shame, too; Hey- cans of the 1850s. It's sad really; those Irish- Byrd? We did what?! wood had a very solid platform. Catholics just never got a foothold here in America. Every Party With “Socialist” Or “Work- Anti-Masonic Party: Fact: Jack the ers” in the Name: Yes, yes we all know the Ripper was a Mason. And even if he speech. The proletariat will rise and sweep wasn't, he was fucked up and prob- away the bourgeoisie in a great victory for ably was still a Mason. Fucking A! bleeding-heart college students everywhere. And did you even see National Trea- Honestly, how many different parties can sure? Those Freemasons are fucking you create using Marxist-Leninist ideologi- devious. I mean, what goes on in cal terminology? I can only come up with those Lodges of theirs, anyway? I'll three or four, and I do the jumble everyday. bet you they're roasting boar and hav- How about a few parties with 'Exploit- ing sin-crazed orgies -- I'm talking ing and Oppressing the Poor' in the title? Eyes Wide Shut crazy. Then again, Or simply the 'I Don't Really Give a Fuck if our Founding Fathers were into it, About Other People' Party? Thankfully, the Anti -Nebraska Party is okay with the maybe it's worth checking out. Bruce Springsteen album October 10, 2008 The Zamboni Page 9 Interview with Sarah Palin on Foreign Policy by Devin Toohey

Is Sarah Palin experienced? Is experience different from “executive experience?” We here at the Zamboni, being proud Ameri- cans (except for the international kids) and proponents of truth, justice, and unbiased reporting, think it’s time to put aside all the soundbites and snippy lesbians on MSNBC and get to the heart of the matter. That’s why we’ve invited Sarah Palin to discuss her foreign policy experience. United States! Palin: I have had to deal with for- Zamboni: Aren’t you concerned eign relations on a daily basis. Every about how the Western half may day, I would look out, staring Russia interfere with those plans? right in the eye. Sure, it may seem like it's across the world, with the barriers of the Atlantic and Europe, Palin: They and Alberta are but it isn’t. mere stepping stones.

Zamboni: That’s true. Just ask Zamboni: But, surely you don’t anyone from Brazil or North Africa. think that a centralization of power The Atlantic is easy to cross. in Washington is the best strategy?

Palin: Exactly! But you’re forget- Palin: Of course not. My men ting the worst threat: the ever-insidi- and I may be in the East, but I think ous Kamchatka. it’s about time we put at least a few cannons in Greenland. For too long, we’ve let it sit there as easy Zamboni: Of course! It always Palin shows Zamboni the exact distance between Alaska and Russia. seems so far away, but it’s not! prey for any Icelandian to make Yakutsk, Irkutsk, Mongolia, and even Japan! it their own! And, if I may say so, Bush’s McCain may’ve spent time in a Vietnamese “lone cavalry” in Central America strategy Palin: The only thing standing between us torture camp, but I was there on the day they seems flawed at best. and full-Russian invasion was me. rolled three sixes! Zamboni: Agreed. And might I add that Zamboni: And a dotted line. Zamboni: My word! with all the time he’s wasted trying to pacify the Middle East, he’s totally ignored the Palin: I can’t tell you the amount of times Palin: The United States…North America buildup in Siam? We’ll never conquer Aus- I was stationed in Alaska, defending myself needs me to win this election. It’s in all our tralia now! and all of North America from the Kam- best interests that I be moved to the Eastern chatkians as they brought in troops from Palin: McCain/Palin ’08 think otherwise.

VOTE OBAMA '08

Because You Can't VoteJoe... for Paid For by the WhyCouldn'tIhaveBeenTheCandidate Page 10 The Zamboni October 10, 2008 Zamboni Close-up: The Candidates and their Leisure Time by Max Tolkoff Even in the midst of a close cam- didate Sarah Palin. “I just get sick of her paign, John McCain still has a getting all the attention. I wanted it for little time for R&R. He may say he once,” Mr. Biden commented, “I’m tired doesn’t know how to work e-mail, of busting my ass on the campaign trail he but has been spending increasing using old 1950’s slang like ‘malarkey’ amounts of time playing the online while she’s in the news because she has a game "Second Life.” tanning bed in her house. And anyway, I “I just love being able to escape the think it’s my turn to shoot things from a troubles of the campaign,” said Mr. helicopter.” McCain, “and living the life of anoth- Sarah Palin would have a second life, er person lets me decompress and get but has been too busy reading every rid of all the stress that I feel on the news publication. campaign trail” Even in more primitive times, this sort Mr. McCain’s avatar is a tall black of role play was not uncommon. In the man with large ears that goes by the 1964 election, Lyndon Johnson would name of BObama08. “It ‘s a secret often play with miniature cardboard cut- obsession that I have,” says Mr. Mc- outs of Barry Goldwater. In fact, Adolf Cain, “and even though the character Hitler is rumored to have had blow up I'm BObama08, and I endorse this avatar. happens to look like Barack Obama, I dolls of Winston Churchill and Dwight can assure you that BObama08 has a Eisenhower hidden in his quarters. “That’s hogwash,” McCain said, “If I really wanted different tax policy entirely.” Some say that just like pilots train on to be Barack Obama, I would not have my avatar be This is not unprecedented in the flight simulators to fly planes, Sena- engaging in sexual relations with a character named world of Politics. Joe Biden has an tor McCain is practicing to be Barack ‘WasillaSarah.’ I don’t know who’s behind that avatar, avatar named WasillaSarah that re- Obama, which would explain Mr. Mc- but I’d imagine she’s damned sexy.” sembles fellow vice presidential can- Cain‘s recent role-reversing statements. Zamboni Roasts Change The Zamboni has spent weeks listening to political candidates talk about change and quite frankly we’re sick of it. Change isn't always that wonderful. What about climate change? You don't like that Barack! That's why we at the Zamboni have gathered a few speakers to debunk this myth that change is all-so-great. "Roasted chahn-yeh"...is that some Barack, try waking up one day as a gi- sort of Mexican dish? Or maybe ant cockroach! Then tell me how great itís Russian. I'll have to ask Pooty- change is. Jerk. - Franz Kafka Pute [Vladimir Putin] about that. - George W. Bush Change? I've changed Trig the past five times! Jesus Christ! It's not even Everyone's all excited about you, my kid! - Sarah Palin Change. But I'll tell you who isn't! Me! The Hershey Bar! Unchanged I hate change. Because of change my since 1899! So fuck you! - The Her- face is wrinkled, my boobs sag, and shey Bar none of the guys can get it up any- more. – Bitter old lady in elderly home You can't spell Change without O- B-A-M-A! Vote for Barack! - My Change? I don’t got a problem with name is Barack Obama, and I sup- change. Why, you got some? - The port this message. Spare Change News Republicans firmly back the Hershey's bars 100+ years of experi- Fuck you change. You’re why my ence over Obama's change-happy policies life is so hard. – Homeostasis compiled by Julie Gomstyn, Daniel Testa, Scott Tingley, and Devin Toohey; photo by Will Sokoloff October 10, 2008 The Zamboni Page 11 Sarah Palin's Banned Book Reviews

My fellow Americans, a couple months ago, the liberal media pounced all over a story about how I tried to fire a local Wasilla librar- ian for refusing to ban books. I cannot begin to tell you how overexaggerated these claims are! How can you have a library without books?? The Bible is a book, should we ban that? Maybe Obama thinks that community organizing is more important than reading, but as a member of the Wasilla PTA, I believe first and foremost in the education of our children. That being said, in honor of Banned Book Week, I bring you a few titles that yes, I do feel would be best sold only in adult book stores. But unlike the liberal extremists, I am only seeking to protect our children from books that are immoral, unchristian, or anti-oil.

Call of the Wild by Jack Lon- Katie Couric (Women of On the Origin of Species by Bridge to Terabithia by Kather- don Achievement) by Sherry Beck Charles Darwin ine Paterson Paprocki This entire book is a piece of Was Mr. Darwin around 6,000 Where exactly is Terabithia? anti-Alaska propaganda. Mr. You know, I may not be able years ago? If not, then he This book and its conspiracy London describes the beauti- to ban CBS, but at least I can clearly is in no position to be theory followers allege that it is ful landscape of Alaska as if warn you against this book. writing about the origins of the a secret kingdom in the woods. it were nothing but a sparsely From one feminist to another, human race or ANY species for A likely story given that you populated, frozen wasteland. let me just say: I thought that that matter. I think that you all can’t point it out on a map. That is patently untrue. We we were in this together, know where I stand on this one. Bridge to Terabithia? More like have oil. And mavericks! KATIE! bridge to NOWHERE.

The Lion, the Witch, and the Merriam-Webster’s Notebook = Shunned by hockey moms all over Alaska. Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis Atlas

A magical tale where four This atlas contains some of = In need of some major moral revisions. children enter another world the most galling geographical through a closet? And encoun- errors that I have ever seen. ter talking animals? And wage Looking at these maps, you = Worth firing a librarian over. war against a witch and her would have no idea that you army of beasts? I'll be honest can actually see Russia from folks, the fact that there are Alaska. Instead it makes us = Satan's Bookclub Pick. seven more of these out there seem as though we’re an ocean scares me, because there can apart. Also, Georgia is a part be nothing more detrimental of the United States! What is to your child's spiritual health it doing over there by South than learning about the oc- Ossetia? cult. It seems to me that this "Aslan" character needs to America (The Book) by Jon Stewart find Jesus. In 2005, two counties in Mississippi banned this book from local libraries because Mr. Stewart decided to superimpose the faces of nine Supreme Court justices over naked bodies. I can think of no greater insult to the dignity of the men and women who serve on this coun- try’s highest court. He could have at least put them in swimsuits... or Compiled by Julie Gomstyn evening gowns. Page 12 The Zamboni October 10, 2008 Literature Gets Vocal: Fictional Characters Back Presidential Candidates Compiled by Devin Toohey While we all may be familiar with celebrities and religious leaders spouting their political views and who we should vote for on the television and in the newspaper, they soon will have company. Literary figures, fed up with constantly being ignored elec- tion after election, have started interrupting their narratives to espouse their views on issues and candidates. Jane Eyre Gentle reader, as I sit nightly in and my dear Edward and I have front of the fire and let the nur- been blessed by His grace. Yet, turing flames warm my body, my heart beats with such great weary from a day’s exertion, my intensity when my mind dares to mind cannot help but find itself enter into the realm of consid- in a state of worry. My marriage ering the homosexuals entering to Edward has been one both of into Holy Matrimony. The Sanc- triumph and of sacrifice, and, tity of our marriage would vanish though our hardships were ini- into ashes, like as Edward’s great tially tough, God did eventually Thornfield succumbed to the in- temper His judgment with mercy, fernal rage of his late Bertha.

The Cat in the Hat Palunkers, and Swoofs “We’ve no time for nonsense or play In Bamziggers, Whamwiggers, and with blookawamerds, Bubbabaloofs! You must sit and listen to my impor talic words! We must take the offensive, we must Your freedom’s in danger, your free make the attack, dom’s not free, We shock them and bock them till Its threat’s a beast worse than the they cannot fight back Snarlamagee! Diplomacy's finished, we can't be like Pakistan’s the problem, I must declare waitlers and wait They send terrorists to attack us by That's why I'm voting McCain in two- air thousand and eight!" They send them in Za-Zazoomers, in

Sam Spade (of The Maltese Falcon)

She was lying. I knew that. The energy crisis: ready to devour a man truth was almost as far from her like he was oil. She had the soulless mouth as it was from the damned eyes of the past eight years and the Cat in the Hat’s. Her body was killer, false smile of Sarah Palin. She was like McCain’s irresponsible financial trouble. But trouble I wanted, unlike policy, poised and ready to send our the McCain/Palin ticket. I may have economy even further into a tailspin. been smart enough to vote for Obama, Her lips were like the Republicans' but not smart enough to resist her." short-sighted plans for the oncoming October 10, 2008 The Zamboni Page 13

New Presidential Campaign Tactics by Max Tolkoff WASHINGTON D.C.- In yet another see, and even some men just wearing make- to this latest ploy by Obama, McCain, has twist to a campaign that pundits thought up.” taken to spontaneously bursting out Swahili could not get any stranger, Barack Obama Obama is expected to unveil his new- obscenities during campaign rallies. “Kuma has taken to wearing one of those hats with est campaign trick, a giant plastic troll on mamako,” screamed McCain during the the propeller on it during his stump speech- wheels that will be tethered to his leg. “This middle of rally. “To any East Africans out es. “This election is going to go to who- troll symbolizes the burdens of the American there, I’m sorry, but it’s necessary sacrifice ever can prove most effectively that he will people, which I am ready and willing to take to change the way we campaign.” change the way that politics are done,” said on,” Obama said. “If McCain was serious That being said, both campaigns have Obama, “and could you picture a change that about proving himself to the middle class, he agreed to practice a number of new tactics is more dramatic than wearing funny propel- would have thought of it first.” In response together: kicking their wives in the teeth, ler hats?” farting on stage anytime they say John McCain was quick to comment, “In the word “election,” taking pies to my day, we wore funny propeller hats all of the face from a random audience the time. That’s not change, that’s more of member, playing various “Price the same.” McCain has also been trying a is Right”-style pricing games in new strategy of his own. McCain has taken the middle of a speech and victory to firing a bazooka at an effigy of a clown. dancing to the song “Final Count- “It represents how intense my war against down” by Europe. the terrorists will be. Because who hasn’t “While our new campaign tac- been terrorized by a clown?” Obama re- tics are similar in some respects,” sponding saying, “This is just a cheap tactic says McCain, “if you look at the to make it seem like I'm not tough enough changes that we both made, you’ll on clowns. I promise that if I’m president, I see why I’m the one they call the will fire two bazooka shells at every clown I McCain's mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore! 'KUMA MAMAKO! Maverick.'” Breaking Election Drama uncovered by Devin Toohey

Dear Red and Blue States,

I don't know how to break this to you, so I'll be blunt. elections, dammit, and has satisfied many candidates and We, the swing states, can't do this anymore. Every four voters (it makes sure it's not one-sided). But it screws up years we go through the same old cycle. Nearly four years just once, JUST ONCE, and suddenly it's the laughing stack of neglect, of indifference, of no calls or invites to see the of you damned fixed states. "It's old." "It can't perform on latest Judd Apatow movie or, god-forbid, asking how our pet the presidential level." Florida CAN vote dammit! You try ferret is doing because you KNEW he was sick- voting under that much pressure and then you tell us how Sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't do that. Deep breath. easy it is! Four years and then suddenly for a few fucking months So this is the end. We're staying out of the 2008 election. we're the whole goddamn world to you. It's not fair to us! We've moved our stuff out of the electoral college and are We want constant attention! Not this shower of false staying with our sister. Maybe when you finally grow up ises and cajoling, but just to know that, in some way, you - and see us as states and not just numbers, we'll reconsider. always care about us. Pennsylvania would give up all the But I'm really not sure if I could expect that of you. We'll ads and speculation by newscasters if only people would just always have the good times, like the compromise of 1877 visit Lancaster county one summer. It has Mennonites and and the third FDR term. But we need to say goodbye. Hershey Park is really close! But do you care? Nooo! Sincerely, And what about poor Florida? Florida is a great voter. Florida has had many successful elections. It can sustain its The Swing States

P.S. We want our commemorative quarters back. The economy may be in the tubes, we may be in the middle of two expensive wars, and healthcare costs may be skyrocketing, but we here at the Zamboni know that only one issue really matters to you, dear readers. Thus, with- out further ado, we present an in-depth look at what our leaders would look like with facial hair. Enjoy!

Barack "The 'Stache We Need" Obama John "McStache" McCain Ralph "Unshaved At Any Speed" Nader

Joe "Gaffe-beard" Biden Sarah "VPWMILF" Palin Bob "'Stacheless Wonder" Barr Presented by Luke Burns Schecht Luke and Mike Presented by

Michelle "Terrorist 'Stache" Obama Cindy "Beard Heiress" McCain Larry "This Looks Familiar" Bacow