Modern Family 1. COLD OPEN INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY Phil cradles a PUG. PHIL Honey? INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY - CONTINUOUS Claire shifts MORSELS OF FOOD on a chess board. CLAIRE (sotto) So, if Phil is successful we can -- She shifts a PRUNE. Enter Phil and the dog. CLAIRE No. Absolutely not. Phil. PHIL I’m dog sitting for a client. Stanley’ll make a great accomplice. PHIL and CLAIRE INTERVIEW CLAIRE It’s the 35th Anniversary of Pritchett’s Closets and Blinds. PHIL She’s been playing war games, assembling her little food troops on a makeshift battlefield. CLAIRE We’re throwing a surprise reception for Dad. And I need a visual to make sure everything goes to plan. MONTAGE - VARIOUS CLAIRE (V.O) It’s impossible to surprise him. There’s always someone who gives it away. Operation Grumpy Modern Family 2. - Jay enters his living room. Everyone is hidden around. He sniffs heavily and follows his nose, to Cam squatted behind a curtain. CLAIRE (V.O) Or his natural suspicious intuition. - Jay sits poolside. The family hides in the background ready to spring. He turns around early and sees them with the cake. END OF MONTAGE PHIL My sweet military madam playing her war games. (strokes her hair) General Custard’s Last Stand. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY - CONTINUOUS Claire shifts a CAULIFLOWER FLORET. Also on the chessboard is a PRUNE, PEPPER, TORTILLA CHIP, GUMMI BEAR, BABY CARROT, and BRIE. PHIL You still won’t tell me who is who? CLAIRE Figure it out; it’s very clear. Who’s white and dry? Frustrated, she eats the CAULIFLOWER. Replaces it. PHIL Relax honey. Things will work out. Your speech will be amazing. (then) Luke’s the cheese, Gloria’s the pepper, Jay’s the prune. Am I the carrot? CLAIRE (ignoring) It’s hard enough expressing myself to family, let alone in a room full of strangers. Operation Grumpy Modern Family 3. PHIL Just write from the heart. I’ll distract Jay. Alex and Haley are decorating. Manny and Luke have their instructions. Don’t stress out. (then) Cam’s the gummi bear! CLAIRE I have to stress. Things have to be perfect this time. Operation Grumpy is a fool proof plan. Luke enters dressed as a barista. PHIL You’ve got a visor? That’s awesome! LUKE Psyched to use the whipped cream gun. They slap five. CLAIRE (sotto) If I could execute this plan without the fools... END OF COLD OPEN INT. SHOPPING MALL - DAY Gloria, Cam, Lily, and Joe window shop. CAM Thanks for joining us. GLORIA No problem. Jay is hard to shop for. CAM What do you get a man who has everything? GLORIA You just try your best and Jay will cherish your gift forever. Operation Grumpy Modern Family 4. CAM I saw a homeless man using the tie I got him as toilet paper. GLORIA We will find the perfect gift Cam. CAM It’s nice Lily and Joe get to spend time together. GLORIA Yes, he loves when Lily comes over. I just wish he was more enthusiastic about going out. Like his father, he doesn’t enjoy shopping. Joe drags his feet unhappily. JOE We’re going to another store? When does it end? Cam scratches off a list. CAM So, I’ll rule out gift card. JOE Gift cards are lazy. Cam looks aghast. GLORIA Joe! JOE Manny says that’s the truth. GLORIA INTERVIEW GLORIA I caught Joe lying about a broken vase. So, I told him never lie again. Now he doesn’t hold back. He’s as honest as President Nixon. Or Jefferson? (beat) The one who cut the apple tree. Operation Grumpy Modern Family 5. INT. SHOPPING MALL - DAY - CONTINUOUS GLORIA I hope our outing can get Joe in touch with his sensitive side. (to Cam) This is also punishment for him saying I should go up a dress size. They pass the American Girl store. LILY Daddy, can we see if they have Logan? You promised! CAM Sure sweetie. GLORIA Logan? CAM Lily has a life-sized doll named Josefina. Logan is Josefina’s classmate but let’s get real; he’s her boyfriend. GLORIA Aww, that’s so sweet. CAM Isn’t it? CAM INTERVIEW CAM The dolls creep me out. Pinocchio and Chucky have scarred me for life. I had second thoughts about dating Mitchell because of the red hair and blue eyes. INT. JAY AND GLORIA’S HOUSE - DAY Jay answers the door. Phil enters with Stanley. JAY The hell is this? PHIL I’d like you to meet Stanley. Stanley, this is Jay Pritchett. Operation Grumpy Modern Family 6. Stanley pants heavily. PHIL I thought it would be cool if we came to the park. I’d have a "rough" time dog sitting alone. JAY Oh geez. PHIL Fresh air, doggies, java. Best day ever. JAY Listen Phil, I wanted to spend the day alone. PHIL Why? I -- Stanley has looked forward to this all week. JAY I just have a lot on my mind. You understand right? Phil’s crushed. JAY INTERVIEW JAY It’s the 35th Anniversary of the company. I wanted to reflect on my career and accomplishments. I can’t concentrate with Mickey Mouse and Pluto hanging around. INT. JAY AND GLORIA’S HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS PHIL I can’t pretend we aren’t disappointed. I wanted to sit at an outdoor cafe. They’d share a water bowl. You’d get coffee. I’d have a "pugkin spiced latte", there’d be scones and fruit -- (hurt) I hadn’t planned anything, honestly... JAY Guess a few hours wouldn’t kill me. Operation Grumpy Modern Family 7. PHIL Alright! You’ll be surprised at how awesome today will be. JAY Why’s Stanley wearing a tie? PHIL Quite "fetching" isn’t he? JAY I guess Stella could use some socializing. Stella and Stanley smell one another. PHIL Sparks flying! All they need is a plate of spaghetti. JAY (sarcastic) A surprise doggy date, my son-in law, and a promise of fruit for lunch. There’s no way I’m melon- collie. PHIL (not getting it) That’s the spirit! INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Claire finishes a phone call as Mitch enters. Ad lib hellos. CLAIRE You’re good to pick up the food? MITCH Yes Claire. For the third time today. CLAIRE I’m sorry to be overbearing but I don’t want any mistakes in the plan. MITCH Is this a bank heist or a banquet? Operation Grumpy Modern Family 8. CLAIRE Do you ever feel like you strive for success for everyone besides yourself? You want to set an example for your kids, spouses...parents? MITCH Someone obviously has something on their mind. CLAIRE I’ve been thinking about how hard Dad worked to build this business; I’ve got an insatiable hunger to seal his legacy. Mitch eyeballs a PIZZA BOX on their counter. MITCH I know exactly what you mean. CLAIRE Phil told me to speak from the heart. MITCH What heart? Claire looks puzzled. MITCH INTERVIEW MITCH I’m doing a juice cleanse and it’s made me a little fussy. I yelled at Cam for eating an apple. (indignant) I needed it for my green smoothie. Without my apple, it’s nothing but salad puree. Claire is the only one I can snap at who won’t get offended. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY - CONTINUOUS CLAIRE A little testy today huh? MITCH (mocking) A little testy today huh? Operation Grumpy Modern Family 9. CLAIRE Exactly the negative energy I need for a thorough critique of my speech. MITCH Shoot. She clears her throat. CLAIRE My father, Jay Pritchett was a -- MITCH Boo! Is this a speech or a eulogy? INT. PRITCHETT’S CLOSETS WAREHOUSE - DAY Alex, Haley, and Ben blow balloons. HALEY Remind me why Mom wants exactly 350? ALEX It’s the 35th anniversary. HALEY Then why don’t we just blow up 35? ALEX Because 35 balloons would look great in this giant room. BEN This checklist has to be completed exactly. I’ve got strict orders from Claire for 350 balloons. HALEY Like my Mom gives any other kind of order. How many more do we need? ALEX We’ve done 11. So, I’d say 350. HALEY Ugh. I’d rather be at your coffee shop. You should’ve let me cover for you instead of Manny and Luke. Operation Grumpy Modern Family 10. ALEX You can’t count or make coffee. At least together they’re capable of - - (thinking) I need to check the shop’s insurance policy. HALEY But I look hot drinking it. It’s called product placement. She moves off to check her makeup. ALEX It’s nice to have a break from hearing bad interviews, screenplay ideas, and touching dirty money. Why am I not physically and mentally ill more? BEN I don’t know, but I’m loving your anti-body. ALEX Will you be quiet? BEN What? ALEX Just play it cool around Haley. She always makes me embarrassed when boys show interest in me. She looks over at Haley who’s texting. BEN I know, but it’s so hard with us being this close all day. He raises his eyebrows suggestively. ALEX Ew! BEN Sorry. Operation Grumpy Modern Family 11. ALEX She’s not the brightest but she’s got a sixth sense about chemistry. (then) Shame she failed chemistry. BEN Right. We barely know each other. Haley returns with tape and streamers.