ISSUE 144 - FEBRUARY 2011

Editorial: Growing On 1

The worst school violence Larry K. Brendtro 3

Declaring War on Children Gerry Fewster 15

Working With Groups in Residential Settings Richard Biolsi and Paul Gitelson 18

Hope and the Imagination Herbert Kohl 22

Types of Knowledge Mark Smith 26

Lizzy: Understanding attachment and loss in young people with complex needs Edwina Grant, Mary McFarlane and Rita Crawford 28

Poetics and the Language of Youth Work Mark Krueger 36

Lessons From The Tiler Lesiba Molepo 40

Now we are Six Liz Laidlaw 44

Meeting Expectations and Valuing the Importance of the Expectation Jack Phelan 47

What Do You Expect? John Stein 48

Defining to Exclude Kiaras Gharabaghi 53

Leon Fulcher’s Postcard from the UK 55

Like Grandfather Nils Ling 58

EndNotes 61

Information 63 editorial Growing On ...

ell, by now you have noticed should already be talking with and listening our new format. Like all things to parents, teachers and others in the Wnew, it may take a little time for circles of the children and youth we work us to ‘get it right’ and for you to become with, so this development is just giving familiar with it. In the end though, we greater effect to this level of working hope you like it. Do let us know. together. It seems appropriate that we launch No matter what you do, where you this new format after 144 issues on work or what you are called we believe CYC-Online. Imagine that. Eh? 12 dozen that if you work with, or are concerned issues. And that’s because you, the about children, youth and their families, readers of CYC-Online and those who especially those we often call ‘troubled’, write for it, continue to be supportive. then CYC-Net considers you a part of the And we appreciate that support! family; the family of carers. We believe It is also time for us to consider some that, ultimately, the more we are all further changes as we move to this new connected together, the better all of our look. While CYC-Net itself was originally services will be. conceived of as a place for Child and So, if any of you have any ideas about Youth Care Practitioners, however they how we can connect with others, are called, we have always welcomed encouraging them to be a part of ‘our others to join us. This past year, for family’ then we would love to hear your example, we have been including many ideas. more materials relevant for Foster Carers. As we move to be more inclusive, of Starting this year, we are going to make course, we will never forget our origins – greater efforts to be consciously more it is after all embedded in the name ‘inclusive’; reaching out to, and providing CYC-Net. (Remember when all CYC information for, parents, teachers, practice was residential care?) We will youth-workers, boarding school staff, and remain a site committed to the sharing of the many others who work with children information relevant to CYC Practitioners, and youth, so that there can be more and others. We believe that CYC has a lot “commerce” between all the sectors of to offer other people working with, or young people’s lives. In our practice we concerned about, youth. We also believe

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 1 that we have a lot to learn from them. Change is never easy. We all like things, typically, ‘the way they are’ for one reason or another. We all know that from our work. But, properly approached, change is an opportunity for growth; for the individual, the group and, in this case, our field. So, hang in there with us, help us out, send us your ideas and let’s see what happens. Hey, this is Child and Youth Care – the outcome is bound to be good!

Thom & Brian

CRYSTAL KIRK

2 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 The worst school violence

Larry K. Brendtro

We can never know the full reasons behind the dramatic school killings at Colorado’s Columbine High School in 1999 or at Minnesota’s Red Lake Reservation in 2005. In both cases, the young perpetrators killed themselves. But, measured by loss of life, the most horrific school violence in history occurred nearly a half century ago at a Chicago elementary school. Ninety-two students and three teachers burned to death in a fire believed to have been set by a student. This account examines that troubled boy’s pathway to violence and, in time, to reconnection and restoration. This research was sponsored by Starr Commonwealth in preparation for the book No Disposable Kids.1

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 3 ur Lady of Angels elementary her own suspicions. Her son, whom we school was located in a tree-lined will call Tony, was often playing with Oneighborhood five miles west of matches and had set other smaller fires in the downtown Chicago Loop. The the neighborhood. Her greatest fear was residents of this primarily Italian Catholic that he might have started this one, too. community took great pride in their parochial school. On December 1,1958, it Turbulent Childhood was the site of the worst incident of Tony’s mother allegedly had been school violence in U.S. history. raped by her own stepfather. At the age of 15, she gave birth to her son in a home for The Incident unwed mothers. She was supposed to give A fire began in a barrel of trash in the up her child for adoption. But when the school’s basement. The stairwell soon time came to sign the papers, she refused became a chimney, shooting flames to let anybody take her child away. through the building. Teachers led younger Though lacking mature parenting skills, children from the lower floors to safety. this friendless girl set out for distant But many older students were trapped on Chicago with her infant son. the upper levels by intense heat and Little is known of Tony’s early smoke that fouled the hallways. Many childhood, although the young mother escaped by ladder, but 92 students and lived for a time with relatives in the city. their teachers died together, praying for But the first sign that something terribly rescue. wrong had happened to him came at age The Chicago American published a five: Tony began setting fires. memorial edition four days after the fire. Tony’s emotional problems spilled over The front page was covered with school to school and peer relationships, and he photos of many of the victims. This display was ridiculed and bullied by peers. At the of happy faces looked like a grade school Angels school, Sister Carolan taught graduating class. To friends and relatives, religion and counseled Tony. She these victims would remain children described him as a boy starving for a male forever. role model. He was hungry for interaction For months, Chicago media covered with the two priests assigned to the the fire story. Rumors ran rampant. school. Sister Carolan saw him as a Controversy swirled around all connected practical joker who acted up for attention with the school, from the bishop to the but meant no harm. He was always building’s janitor. Authorities gathered remorseful when he had done something statements from every student and school wrong. Other teachers were not so kind employee but all leads grew cold. Many in their assessment. Tony was intelligent authorities remained convinced that the but needed close supervision. He fire was purposely set, probably by a restlessly roamed through the school, and student. Meanwhile, the mother of one teachers would send other students to boy who had survived the fire harbored locate him and escort him back to class.

4 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 Area fire investigators kept a roster of always released to his mother. She students enrolled in Our Lady of Angels denied or minimized his behavior and School at the time of the fire. In any other sought to protect him. case when arson was suspected, they According to neighbors, Tony’s crosschecked the names of juvenile stepfather was abusive. He reportedly suspects against this roster. Police were beat Tony with rabbit punches and held unaware that shortly after the Angels fire, his hand over the gas burner. Tony was a troubled fifth grade boy moved from the terrified of the man who told him: “The parish to the suburb of Cicero. His next time you set anything on fire and if mother had married, so Tonynow had a you kill anybody, and if the police don’t stepfather. He also gained a new name but get you and give you the electric chair, retained his old ways, now becoming a I’ll come after you myself and kill you.” firebug in Cicero. Threats were to no avail, and Tony was Tony was enrolled in a new parochial implicated in a string of suspicious fires. school but only lasted two months. He He seemed to want to be caught. On was then sent to the Cicero public the other hand, he was terrified of his schools. Tony did not fit in there either. stepfather. When interrogated by He loathed school, as shown in poor police, Tony was usually accompanied attendance and grades. Teachers saw him by his mother and both denied any as a troublemaker whose deportment was wrongdoing. “deplorable.” Of course, school By now, Tony’s mother was so authorities had to deal with his disruptive concerned, that she rarely let her son behavior while being totally in the dark out of her sight. She drove him to about what was going on inside this school so he didn’t get into trouble on troubled boy. the way. When not working, she Tony’s new stepfather tried to lay accompanied Tony on his paper route down the law but did not give Tony the for fear he might be accused of some love he craved. When it was just Tony and new charge. She also sought counseling his mom, home had been a sanctuary at Catholic Social Services. But from a hostile world. With the new man in counselors did not connect and his the house, home became a battleground. problems remained concealed. Tony’s behavior continued to deteriorate. One day Tony knocked on the door of a customer on his paper route. He The Angry Fire Setter asked her if she smelled smoke on his For three years, authorities were clothing. He then reported that he had unable to connect Tony to the fire that just “discovered” a fire in a nearby killed ninety-two students and three basement and told her to call the fire teachers, although he repeatedly was seen department. Officials questioned him in the vicinity of suspicious Cicero fires. about this and other fires. When questioned, he denied involvement. Tony’s past caught up to him on He was never detained or locked up but December 8, 1961. He admitted to

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 5 police that he had set some fires in afternoon it happened, I was coming back Cicero. Tony described one fire where the to school with this other kid, and I said, ‘I motive seemed to have been retribution: got some matches in my pocket and I “I wanted to get even with the kid who could burn down the school and we lives there. He pushes me around a lot wouldn’t have to go to school no more.’” and I don’t like him.” He later recanted Mr. Reid played to Tony’s conscience: this statement. “You know telling a lie is a sin. There are As investigators zeroed in, his parents ninety-two children and three nuns hired an attorney. His mother vigorously looking down at us right now from heaven protested that her boy was being harassed who want the truth. Now tell me, did you by authorities. She charged that they set the school on fire?” After initially interrogated him at school whenever suggesting another boy had set the fire, there was a fire, interfering with his Tony changed his story. He told of leaving education. She had kept a list of eleven class to go to the boys’ bathroom in the such fires; maybe her boy started one or basement and lighting a barrel of paper two of them, but certainly he did not start with three matches. He watched the them all. flames get bigger and bigger and then ran back to his room. The Admission “Why did you set the fire?” Mr. Reid Tony’s parents agreed to a polygraph asked. The boy’s voice turned bitter: test, hoping to clear their boy of some “Because of my teachers,” he said. “I allegations. They retained John E. Reid, a hated my teachers and my principal. They prominent polygraph expert, lawyer, and always were threatening me. They always former Chicago police officer. Mr. Reid wanted to expel me from school.” was highly skillful and, in short order, built After speaking to Tony’s mother, Mr. rapport with Tony. Tony admitted to Reid determined she had suspected this all setting several lesser fires in his along. Reid felt obligated to contact neighborhood and recalled details from authorities and related the boy’s when he burned a garage when he was admission to Cook County Juvenile Judge only five years old. Tony seemed relieved Alfred Cilella. to be able to get these secrets off his On January 16, 1962, the Chicago chest. “Sometimes, after I set the fires, I Tribune reported: feel so bad, I wish I hadn’t been born.” “Information that a 13-year-old boy has When Tony mentioned that he once confessed setting the fire at Our Lady of was a student at Our Lady of Angels Angels School which took the lives of 92 School, Mr. Reid was stunned. If this was children and 3 nuns was given yesterday arson, this was the most infamous school to Judge Alfred J. Cilella of Family Court.” violence in history. Tony was opening up This was the last the public would hear of by layers. He initially said only that he the matter for a generation. knew who set the Angels fire and that he and a friend had talked about it. “On the

6 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 The Judge’s Dilemma Commonwealth to receive psychiatric Judge Cilella sealed all records and therapy for fire setting. ordered that Tony be locked in isolation at Audy Juvenile Home in Chicago. Even No Hopeless Kids police and investigators were not allowed Floyd Starr had known other to interview him. A court psychologist fire-setters in his day. In 1915, the found that Tony scored in the Chicago Daily News reported a speech bright-normal range of intelligence. A that he gave before the local YMCA on panel of psychiatrists determined Tony the theme “there is no such thing as a was not psychotic and was competent to bad boy.”2 He told the story of Ernest, a stand trial. boy almost thirteen who was an Closed juvenile court hearings’ began arsonist, tortured animals, and stole in early February. On advice of his continuously. “The boy who burns attorneys, Tony pled not guilty to all down barns, lies, cheats, and disturbs charges. He claimed he gave a confession his neighborhood isn’t any different at to Reid because he was frightened and heart from the boy who is held up in the tired. Under Illinois law at the time, a ten same block as a model.” Many who year old could not be held criminally liable. spoke in court thought Ernest was a The boy obviously needed treatment. hopeless case and wanted him locked Judge Cilella found Tony guilty of away in the state correctional school. certain Cicero fires. He threw out the Instead, that judge decided to send the Angels charge, citing inconsistencies in the boy to Starr Commonwealth. boy’s story. In reality, nothing would be The court had kept Tony locked served by reopening this tragedy. incommunicado from January through The judge had few options since March. While isolation was for his own placement anywhere in Illinois increased protection, Tony felt bitterness at being the risk that Tony might be murdered if his abandoned. The detention facility identity became known. Placement became his private Alcatraz. He wanted outside of the State of Illinois seemed to to get out-but to be sent away from his be in the best interests of the child. In the family was to lose everything. He had very city where the world’s first juvenile never left his mother since she had court was founded, Judge Alfred J. Cilella refused to give him up at birth. But on a pondered his responsibility. mid-April morning, Tony was loaded When the court rendered its decision, with his scant possessions to embark for Tony’s parents were not present. The Michigan. state was now to be legally responsible for raising this boy. Over the years, Judge A New Beginning Cilella had sent other difficult youth who The trip from Chicago to Michigan needed a fresh start to a school operated follows the course of Interstate 94. by Floyd Starr in Michigan. So, the judge After two hours of industrial sprawl, the ordered Tony to be placed at Starr highway opens onto the farms and

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 7 orchards of southern Michigan. Halfway weighed on the judge’s mind. across the state, Starr Commonwealth is Judge Cilella realized that Tony needed announced by a large billboard displaying a more than talking to psychiatrists. Starr lad and the motto “There is no such thing was never known as a psychiatric facility, as a bad boy.”3 but as an environment where a damaged First impressions are disorienting. boy could be restored to healthy maturity. Could this possibly be a school for As a juvenile judge, his task was to protect troubled students? The both this child and the public. Following three-hundred-fifty-acre campus with a the original Cook County children’s court pristine lake is surrounded by pine forests charter, Judge Cilella would balance “the and farms. Floyd Starr believed that moral, emotional, mental, and physical beauty is a silent teacher: “I wanted to welfare of the minor and the best send them a clear message: this beautiful interests of the community.” By cleaning place is for you because you are of value.” the slate, Tony was given a second chance. Tony arrived at Starr Commonwealth in the afternoon. After school on a typical A Reclaiming Environment spring day, boys were busily engaged in a Like all new boys, Tony was assigned to variety of work and recreation activities. a residence with a dozen other boys. This Some rode in trucks toting tools for was scary for a lad who had spent most of maintenance or farm work. From the his life without Siblings or friends. At first, band room in Webster Hall came the it was strange to hear the other boys call sounds of clarinets or trumpets blaring as the houseparents “Mom” and “Pop.” All the band practiced for Memorial Day. shared in work. Setting tables, serving, Other groups of boys would be fishing on washing dishes, carrying garbage, mopping the shores of Montcalm Lake or running bathrooms-all followed a system that on the track. Three months locked in a seemed strange to Tony. A small student cell, and now Tony entered a place handbook contained tips on cleanliness without bars or fences. and good manners. The main rule was to Tony was supposed to receive therapy be generous. Floyd Starr would say, for fire setting. Remarkably, any reference “Commonwealth means we all share in to arson had been purged from the common every good thing that happens.” records sent to Starr. Initially, nobody at School was held in three buildings Starr had the slightest hint of the real situated near the lake, and students reason for this referral. If Tony’s past was switched classes like on a college campus. kept from his new caretakers, then One building housed academics; another, treatment for fire setting certainly could the vocational, music, and art programs; not be arranged. Was the court trying to and the third was a fully equipped lower the risk that Tony’s past would gymnasium near the sports field. Tony become public? Were the records would be toughened with rigorous daily sanitized to make admission more likely? physical education. After school, play Perhaps. But other factors probably alternated with hard work. Some boys

8 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 elected sports, while those less athletic a tradition was established. For decades, like Tony signed up for the band. Mr. Starr would retell the story and call The campus had a natural rhythm of for a show of hands if they wanted to events calculated to provide structure and continue the tradition. The vote was strengthen character. In the spring, boys always unanimous. planted gardens and trees. Mr. Starr told At Christmas, fire took center stage. A the boys, “Every spring we plant new highlight of the season was the “Little trees to replace those that will be lost to Builder of Christmas Fires” ceremony. All lightning, wind, or disease.” He then would gather around a huge fireplace built would show them the tree planted by into the gymnasium wall just for this Helen Keller on her visit. He said it was a annual event. Floyd Starr would sit in a privilege to help plant trees because rocker by the fireplace and read the story students were giving a gift to future of a boy who brought firewood to warm generations of boys. loveless homes. Then, the smallest boy in Summer brought a reduced school the Commonwealth would have the schedule as recreation and work became honor of putting a match to the stack of prominent. There was perpetual weed wood in the fireplace. According to pulling and lawn mowing. Montcalm Lake tradition, if there were enough love in the bustled with its swimming beach, boats, Commonwealth, the fire would light with and canoes. The Fourth of July might even only one match. To insure a roaring fire, bring the Governor of Michigan landing in Mr. Starr would have the maintenance his helicopter on the school’s athletic field. department pre-soak the wood with The Boy Scout troop was preparing for kerosene. It was the biggest legal blaze camping trips. that most had ever enjoyed. In September, it was back to school Spiritual growth was also encouraged and football. All eyes were now on the by Starr’s chaplain, a jolly giant of an first Sunday in October, Founder’s Day. A Anglican priest, Father Austin Pellett. famous speaker such as athlete Jesse Many boys would seek him out when they Owens or poet Carl Sandburg would were wrestling with unresolved guilt. draw thousands of visitors. Alumni Sunday services in the Chapel in the returned and Floyd Starr introduced his Woods provided a time for families to visit “old boys” to the current youth. Here the campus. For boys who did not get were models of youth who had overcome visits, the sight of parents in chapel adversity. triggered feelings of abandonment. To As Thanksgiving approached, boys compensate, Father Pellett pumped out would hear the story of the first “Fast the message that every boy belonged as a Day” in 1913. It seems a street kid from child of God. Detroit started the tradition by asking to give up a meal so the cost could help kids The Courage to Trust he knew in Detroit who were starving. While Tony was starving for love, he The other boys joined him in the fast and initially kept to himself. His life path had

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 9 been littered with damaged relationships. guarded and Jerry had little to go on as the But now he was immersed in a network of case files had been “sanitized.” The expert human bonds that would point his life in a on Tony would have to be Tony, the boy new direction. who did not trust adults. This lad who had never gotten along Jerry recognized that guarded youth with other boys was learning to live and needed time to find the courage to trust. work with a diverse group of peers. In the One did not need to probe into the past, residences, the mature women who for in their own time, students usually served as surrogate mothers were opened up of their own volition. Every particularly important to boys living away child has a story to tell if an adult can be from home. They provided a stability that found who is worthy of trust. Tony found many had not found in their own mothers. that adult in Jerry. Few had advanced training, but they Because of the seriousness of his brought deep commitment and they were problem, Al Lilly believed that Tony might huggable. College-age students who benefit from another more seasoned served as recreation staff provided counselor, so he invited Max to join Jerry positive role models and a high-octane as a two-person treatment team. Max was version of youth care. a former Ohio State police officer also Heading the staff of counselors was Al much admired by the students. Six foot Lilly, a former teacher who went on to four and middle aged, Max was a symbol earn a graduate degree in social work. of benign fatherly power. Now this Lilly explained, “Many students initially had fatherless boy had two strong male role very little self-control. But even when models mentoring him. adults had to exercise external control, In retrospect, what Tony most needed they talked to the student about was probably not psychiatric treatment self-control.” Boys started out in highly but stable adults to provide support and structured cottages. When they learned guidance. Fire setting was but a symptom responsibility, they earned their way to of many unmet needs in Tony’s life. Jerry more relaxed, ranch-style residences. By and Max decided to focus on present and making good decisions, they were future challenges. Tony needed to learn to preparing for return to the community. bond to adults, respect authority, get They also gained insight into how their along with peers, be a friend, succeed in own families had broken down and school, plan for a vocation, and find a learned a new style of family living. Lilly purpose for his life. In today’s terms, saw the big picture: “The cycle of abuse these were strength-based interventions. has to be broken.” “Our goal,” said Jerry, “was to immerse Mr. Lilly chose Jerry to be Tony’s students in experiences that helped them counselor. Jerry was a zestful young man make sense out of their lives. We tried to who in later years became a decorated provide as many normal growth sea captain. He was a pied piper for opportunities as possible. As they hard-to-reach kids. Tony was very surmounted challenges, they built

10 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 confidence in themselves.” responsibility. A self-absorbed youth School was not anything like Tony had became a friend to others. Grade eleven known. Classes were small and most was the upper limit of the school’s teachers took an interest in him just like curriculum at the time. Most students Sister Carol an once had. In this bounty of returned home to finish high school. But role models, Principal Kent Esbaugh added this was the era of Vietnam, and youth even more stability and was not the least turning seventeen could go directly into intimidated by kids who hated school. In the armed services. Military recruiters fact, he had left a career as a principal and were hunting for youth who would coach in public schools in order to work respect authority, work as a team, and get with these highly challenging students. along with diverse groups of people. Tony Espaugh was impressed that there were qualified on all counts. He decided on his many like Tony who were intelligent but future; with the court’s approval, he had had lousy experiences with school. In enlisted. order to succeed, it was important to Tony’s time in Floyd Starr’s character treat them with respect. factory came to a close. A boy who had While Esbaugh had strong expectations been a terror to the community was now for academic success, he believed a rich a strong young man set out to risk his own curriculum was equally important. life in the service of his country. After Automotive and wood shops, as well as completing his tour of duty in the rice creative arts, were popular. Just as in the fields of Southeast Asia, Tony returned to cottages, the boys helped keep their civilian life. His goal was to build a future school and classrooms immaculate. totally unlinked to his troubled past. In Students who once vandalized schools later years, investigative journalists would took pride in this place. Teachers gave uncover pieces of his story. All rigorously abundant individualized attention. Espaugh protected his privacy. When in his said, “We always had students with very mid-forties, Tony was interviewed by serious problems. Once they get their author John Kuenster. He was reluctant to lives organized, they can turn around and look back. “I don’t want to open old be very positive.” Esbaugh saw school wounds. I might say something wrong. I success as a powerful therapy. Routines of want to forget it.”4 responsibility stabilized disorganized lives. Tony was able to quietly take his place Teachers would rekindle an interest in in the community where he chose to learning in students who had miserable make his home. Today, he is not a hero school records. So it was with Tony. who is changing the world. He is a quiet citizen doing his part, wanting little more Reclaimed and Restored than to live his life in privacy. We honor For more than three years, Tony these wishes and end his story here. thrived and grew. An alienated boy Our Lady of Angels has also left its past learned to belong. A failing student found behind. Today the building once gutted by success. An out-of-control teen learned fire stands again as a beacon of hope for

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 11 the African American and Latino students Note: Adapted from Brendtro, L., now enrolled there. Although the Our Ness, A., & Mitchell, M. (2005). No Lady of Angels fire records have never Disposable Kids. Bloomington, IN: National been officially closed, those who have Educational Service. researched this story conclude this was the most tragic case of school violence in U.S. history. Reference Notes A close friend of Judge Alfred J. Cilella 1. The author first became aware of the Our recalls the incredible stress that Lady of Angels story when serving as accompanied the hearings on this case. president of Starr Commonwealth in “He took a real beating from all corners, Albion, Michigan. In 1978, he was contacted by Tom Fitzpatrick of the Chicago Sun Times and it had a very detrimental effect. It who was writing a twentieth-anniversary wasn’t long after that he got sick and feature on the disaster. This investigative died.”5 Had he lived to see the fruits of his reporting uncovered previously sealed decision, the judge would have had the court information about the youth. This satisfaction of knowing that he had been current discussion draws from his work and faithful to the code of the children’s court: the extensive media file of the Our Lady of “To serve the moral, emotional, mental, Angels school disaster provided by the and physical welfare of the minor and the Chicago Public Library. Further information comes from two prior books on the fire: best interests of the community.” Cowan & Kuenster (1996) and McBride Some might say that a child guilty of (1979). The former provides the most serious crimes does not deserve a second thorough background of the boy whom chance and that society would be better court officials believed was responsible for served by caging such kids for life. For half this fire. The latter offers a view of the a century, Floyd Starr encountered such victims of the fire. This current criticism. To those quick to condemn, psycho-historical analysis synthesizes Starr would recite a passage he knew by information available in the public record heart: “My brothers, if someone is caught through sources cited above. Nothing has previously been published about the in a sin, you who are spiritual should educational and treatment program restore him with a spirit of gentleness. But provided to this youth at Starr watch yourself, lest you also be tempted.” Commonwealth. Information on the These were the words of a mass programs provided during Tony’s stay was murderer turned theologian, St. Paul provided by the late Al Lilly, director of writing to the Galatians. Or, as Dr. Martin clinical services, and other former Luther King, Jr., would say, “When we educational and clinical staff. Prior authors look beneath the surface, beneath the protected the youth’s identity and we impulsive evil deed, we see within our honor that confidentiality by altering identifying data. enemy-neighbor a measure of goodness and know that the viciousness and evilness of his acts are not quite representative of all that he is. We see him in a new light.”6

12 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 2. Starr, F. (1915, October 8). Bad Boy? No Such Animal. The Chicago Daily News. 3. This saying is widely attributed to Father Flanagan who founded Boys Town in 1917. However, it was originally penned by Floyd Starr in his 1913 Starr Commonwealth Creed. 4. We gratefully acknowledge the assistance of John Kuenster, executive editor of Century Publishing Company, Evanston, Illinois, and co-author of To Sleep with the Angels: The Story of a Fire. 5. Cowan, D., & Kuenster, J. (1996). To Sleep with the Angels: The Story of a Fire. Chicago: Ivan R. Dee, p. 218. 6. King, M. L., Jr. (1963). Strength to Love. Philadelphia: Fortress.

This feature: Brendtro, L. (2005).The Worst School Violence. Reclaiming Children and Youth,14 (2), pp.72-79

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 13 generations

Declaring War on arry Baumgart’s Family, friends, teachers, “Warning to Parents” Children and police are seen as Lwas a painful and helpless while the familiar cry. Acknowledging Gerry Fewster professionals in the that his own 13-year-old “self-fulfilling daughter had chosen the bureaucracies” are more “street culture” over “family values,” concerned with the problems of their own despite the “reasoning, coercion, bribery “woefully inadequate services” than with and intimidation” used to keep her safe at the desperation of yet another parent home, he declares a state of war and then looking for help. But, according to sets out in search of the enemy. Baumgart, it is the “Generals” – the He begins with the kids themselves – government ministers and elected officials – particularly those who prey upon the whoarelosingthewaronthekidsofthe unwary and seduce new members into street culture. These are the people who the transgressions and addictions of street shouldbetakentotaskandheldaccountable. life. Then he targets the philosophers and The pain, anger, and frustration of this the law-makers who have been more parent is readily understandable to all who committed to protecting the rights of have found themselves screaming children than with providing “deterrents” helplessly from the sidelines as their to effectively enforce their obedience. children turn Dungeons and Dragons into

14 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 real-life dramas. His “warning” is bound to have created these conditions, and it strike fear into the hearts of those who remains our responsibility to offer our kids continue to watch their young ones a future that contains some reason for struggle to come to terms with these optimism. Personally, I don’t want them to confusing times. follow in our footsteps and I’m not at all But, however much we fear for the surprised that so many are choosing to future and however much we feel reject the world we have created, even to rejected by those we claim to love, we the point of their own self-destruction. cannot allow ourselves to declare war on Who has been there to offer any our own kids. We cannot call upon the alternative? If there is another way, then school, law enforcement, social service, let’s get on with the task of defining it, and mental health systems to become our living it, and teaching it, rather than champions on an intergenerational alienating ourselves still further by calling battlefield. And we cannot reasonably upon the forces of coercion to defend our expect our senior bureaucrats and dying empire. lawmakers to replace the glue that seems Much as our hearts might go out to the to have been running out from our Baumgart family, there really is no point in cherished versions of the family for quite blaming one another and demanding some time. accountability from the “authorities.” Nor It doesn’t take great insight to is there any point in sitting down and understand that the old “family values” are blaming ourselves. We are all in this toge- dead – if, in fact, they ever existed – and it ther, and such animosity is just one more doesn’t take very much foresight to realize reflection of a society that deserves to be that it’s futile to force stray sheep back rejected.Ifchangeistotakeplace,itwon’t into a fold that will never contain them be through new laws, upgraded policing, again, no matter how vicious the dogs and and more effective professionals. It will how strong the fences. Why would kids begin where the problem is most painfully choose to accept traditional family values experienced in the direct relationship in a world where men and women fight between each parent and each child. each other for power and where parent/ This isn’t a call for parents to feel guilty child relationships are increasingly defined about failure or for children to see by custody agreements and access orders? themselves as victims of abuse, neglect, or Why would kids say “no” to drugs in a deprivation. On the contrary, the society where the pharmaceutical quick fix challenge is to begin to create relation- has become the foundation of the health ships in which each person grows to care system? And why would thoughtful assume increasing levels of responsibility young people buy into a way of being that not in order to simply accept a pre- has brought this planet to the brink of designed power structure or some ecological chaos? prescribed set of values, but in order to Young people are not the enemy, not respect and understand each other as even the “hard-core” ones. We adults unique and related human beings. In other

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 15 words, we must learn to be with our kids in a different way, supporting them for all they bring into this world, rather than condemning them for not buying into our designs. This isn’t about permissive parenting. We are still the adults and the teachers, but we must learn to speak honestly and clearly, living according to the values we purport to hold while acknowledging that we are not the guardians of the “truth” or the masters of the "only way." Contrary to popular belief, the role of the parent is not weakened or diminished by such humility, it is strengthened. And, whether we like it or not, ultimately our kids will make their own choices. All we can ever hope for is that they make those decisions that fit them, in a way that respects the ability of others to also choose for themselves. As parents, it is our responsibility to ensure that choices can be made from a wide range of alternatives; this is the essence of self-responsibility. In the final analysis, if the values we hold, the culture we create, and the future we envision address the most basic human needs for love, respect, and connection, then most kids will choose lives and relationships in which these needs can be addressed. No victims, no villains, no enemies, no war.

This article, written in response to a lengthy letter published in the Victoria Times Colonist, appeared in that newspaper on May 30, 1996.

NATHAN ALFRED

16 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144

Working with Groups in Residential Settings

Richard Biolsi and Paul Gitelson

Individual emotionally disturbed children and adolescents have their own issues and life problems, but residential care, by its very nature, is a group process. In addition, the residential group presents unique problems for staff: members are constantly entering and leaving the group; there are a large number of staff involved in working with residents; “living rooms” become “meeting rooms”, and so on. This article will attempt to examine and identify some specific issues and intervention techniques for staff as they work in this type of setting.

The Cottage as a Social System share the same norms and maintain Human beings do not live relationships with the system; independently of each other, but rather • values, which are powerful beliefs, are involved in a series of relationship attitudes and prejudices upon which networks which are called social systems. roles, rules and boundaries are based. Members of a social system are interdependent, so that a change in one The living unit staff come together and will influence the others and the entire form a social system which sub scribes to system. An example of a social system is the combined values which the staff bring the family. Aspects of social systems with them. When adolescents come to the include: facility, there is a strong possibility of an • statuses and roles which identify one’s oppositional social system developing place and behavior in the system; which is based on delinquent • formal and informal values. If this happens, each rules which guide young person who comes to behavior and the living unit must decide influence the way whether to join the people communicate delinquent system of his with one another; peers, or the basically • boundaries which are middle-class system of the flexible and include staff, or be in limbo those individuals who between the two. The

18 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 pressure to join the peer system is often 2. The Surrender Approach: In an much greater than that of the adult attempt to “buy” the cooperation of the system. residents, the staff provide little structure, It is important for child care workers have a few confrontations and give much to recognize the possibility of a delinquent freedom. As indicated in Howard Polsky’s system developing and to develop Cottage Six, the staff actually become a strategies for working with it. If they focus part of the delinquent subculture pecking only on the individual they disregard the order and in many ways, are controlled peer social system as both a powerful and intimidated by it. This approach is reality in the lives of these individuals and characterized by a living unit which is an effective tool for treatment often messy and disorganized and which Two typical responses to the peer sustains considerable damage. A great deal subculture by adults are as follows: of individual counselling takes place as staff attempt to indicate that there is work 1. The Storm Trooper Approach: going on. The adult develops an extremely rigid The authors advocate an alternative structure which gives youngsters few approach, called the “Work-Care significant choices and which uses power Approach,” which views problems as and intimidation to control behavior. Such opportunities for work and which is an approach is often characterized by a characterized by: very orderly living unit which is always neat and clean, and a very strong • clearcut behavioral and responsibility identification by the resident with the expectations from a strong staff; the leader. In this situation, the staff views conscious development of a culture of problems as trouble and they go to great concern and responsibility for one lengths to deal with them rather than another. This is where the “work” having the youngster deal with them. For comes in and although the description instance, if there is stealing taking place, of its implementation is beyond the the staff will lock everything up and scope of this summary, it is reflected develop a more rigid structure rather than when there is a change in staff require the residents themselves to deal approach from, “It’s none of your with the problem. Unfortunately, the end business why he ran away,” to “What result of the storm trooper approach is did any of you do to help him stay that often the youngsters will develop here?” adaptive behavior on the surface while the • the development of opportunities deviant behavior goes underground. Sadly, within the environment in which the we find a quick reversion to former group can take control of and anti-social behavior patterns once the responsibility for their lives. youngster leaves the program. Some of the tasks and techniques of the work-care approach include:

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 19 • deciding which behavioral expectations Cottage Life Groups are necessary and which are arbitrary; A good part of life consists of having to • examining and recognizing the peer negotiate systems and cottage meetings culture, both in terms of its negative can be used as an opportunity for elements and as a catalyst for change; members to work out mutually agreeable • staff posturing, which is a general solutions to problems which arise in the heading for an approach which includes process of living together. Cottage life modelling (behavior, concern, groups are based on the premise that reliability, strength, positive values, everything that happens in the group living etc.), avoiding lecturing, active situation replicates what has previously listening, avoiding defensiveness, etc; gone on in the youngster’s life. There are • a push for “work” by the residents, a number of issues specific to cottage life which means not smoothing over or groups of which the staff must remain taking responsibility for solving cognizant For example, at the end of the problems, but helping the youngster to meeting the members do not go their struggle through to a reasonable separate ways, but remain together in the solution; living unit, a situation which might • maintaining an awareness for and a encourage the existence of a “What’s that willingness to intervene in situations you said about my mother?” syndrome. which affect members of the social Thus, staff must take pains to help the system (moodiness and depression group members to resolve or put aside around the holidays, acting out issues raised until the next meeting. behavior at termination time, sexual Similarly, agreement concerning acting out behavior on the part of one confidentiality of the material discussed or more members of the group, new must be forged in order to both protect staff members, etc). the members and to encourage them to • Providing opportunities for the group talk about personal issues. Finally, the members to identify themselves as a open-ended nature of the group, with positive force. new members constantly coming in and old members leaving, raises other issues Recognizing the powerful influence related to security and abandonment, and which the group has on thinking and these, too, must be sensitively dealt with behavior of individual members, one can by the leaders. use a variety of groupings in the living unit to carry out treatment tasks and to Task Groups further reinforce the idea of “work” on There are many issues which problems as the primary reason for the youngsters feel more comfortable about if individual being in placement. Three of they are dealt with in a group setting these unit groups are as follows: rather than individually. Task groups deal with specific issues such as orientation to the institution, termination, school

20 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 problems, or sexuality. The topics of these Recommended Readings groups depend on the needs and interests Adler, J. (1981). Relationships with The Group. of youngsters in the living unit at the time. Fundamentals of Child Care. Cambridge, MA: Task groups may relate either to Ballinger. “emotional” issues or to “functional” Adler, Jack. (1979, Fall). The Child Care Worker’s Leadership in Group Process. issues (such as planning a trip), but Child Care Quarterly. 8(3). regardless, there will always be an Biolsi, R. & Gerard, R. (1980, Fall). Training and emotional component to the discussion. Evaluating Child Care Workers: The Again, as in cottage life groups, the issue identification of Tasks and Skills. Residential of material discussed by the group outside and Community Child Care Administration. of the meeting and the maintenance of 1(4). confidentiality must be dealt with. Gitelson, P., Moore, J. G., & O’Reilly, W. Teaching Group Skills to Child Care Workers. Unpublished. Available from Serendipitous Groups author. The group process is constantly Gitelson, P. (1983, April). Modifying Group occurring in the living unit. Residents are Work Techniques with Living Groups in a always interacting with one another, Residential Milieu. Proceedings of the Fourth reacting to the behavior and thoughts of Annual Symposium on Social Work with others and trying out relationships. The Groups: Toronto. astute worker will seize on conversations Gitterman, A. & Shulman, L. (Ed.). (1986). during lunch, “bull” sessions, bus trips, Mutual Aid Groups and the Life Cycles. Itasca: etc. to help youngsters to work on issues F.E. Peacock Publishers, Inc. Jones, M. (1953). The Therapeutic Community: A which are important to their growth. New Treatment Method in Psychiatry. New These group encounters give rise to all of York: Basis Books. the systems characteristic of the groups Maier, H.W. (Ed.). (1965). Group Work as Part of previously discussed, including roles, Residential Treatment. New York: NASW. values and rules of behavior. The worker Mayer, M.F. (1972, October). The Group in who can identify this wealth of Residential Treatment of Adolescents. Child information and expression and help the Welfare. 51(8). group to reflect on it has taken a major Polsky, H.W. (1962). Cottage Six. New York: step toward effective treatment of his or Russell Sage Foundation. Richardson, C. & Meyer, R.G. (1972, October). Techniques her clients. in Guided Group Interaction Programs. Residential care is rich with group Child Welfare. 51(8). work opportunities. This article has Vorrath, H. H. & Brendtro, L. K. (1974). Positive identified only three. The worker who Peer Culture. New York: Aldini Publishing wants to be most effective will constantly Company. be aware of, and looking for opportunities to utilize, the unique opportunities presented by this reality. This feature: Reaching Children and Youth (4),3

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 21 Hope and the Imagination

Herbert Kohl

or many young people, a lack of For many of these children, running hope stems from a sense of away to the circus represented a dream of Fisolation, a sense that no one shares living in a magical world where everyday their values and that they are not cared strife did not exist. Being broken hearted for by others. Caring about people outside was a common experience. Caring was of one’s own circle of friends and family what they longed for and often could not presents a challenge in a world where find. such concern is not a common value. I Caring for youth and helping them remember a quote from a song that was a develop the strength to face the favorite of my students in 1962 (Kohl, challenges in their lives involves fostering 1967): hope and not promising the impossible. Optimism, which conveys the belief that Goodbye cruel world, I’m off to join things will turn out right, is not the same the circus. I’m going to be a broken- as hope, which is an abiding, psychological, hearted clown. sociological, and political faith that the

22 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 world can be better if only you try. Hope weaknesses, but also their strengths and promises nothing material but promotes beauty. It is easy to discover what children dignity, self-respect, and a spirit of do not know - just give them a high-stakes struggle. test. But to know the strengths they have, Creating hope in oneself as a teacher their dreams and aspirations, you have to and nourishing or rekindling it in one’s be in affectionate dialog with them. That is students is the central issue educators face the challenge of creating hope-to establish these days. After 30 years of teaching and a condition of mutuality where you and trying to reform public schools while the young people you work with are continuing to work in a framework of curious about each other and share hope, I have had to examine the sources history, experience, and knowledge. of my own hope as well as my struggles One way to identify strengths is to with the temptation to despair and quit. have children talk about what they love to This examination has taken me on a do outside of school. The skills involved in personal journey that has led to some these activities can become the basis for ideas about how hope can be instilled and learning in other areas and the basis for nurtured in young people. One of the dialog and mutuality in the classroom. most powerful of those ideas concerns Another way to identify strengths is to the value of imagination in creating hope. introduce games, puzzles, and complex The first step in gaining that value is to building toys into the classroom and watch create an environment in which the how young people relate to them. You imagination can thrive. might be astonished at the strengths that emerge in the context of play. Creating Hope Through the Environment Cultivate a hopeful learning The novelist George Eliot wrote in community Middlemarch that “if youth is the season of This attitude should not be mistaken hope, it is often so only in the sense that for the notion that young people and the our elders are hopeful about us” (p. 590). adults who work with them are the same This is a profound truth that caring adults and know the same things. Adults have must internalize and practice. We cannot knowledge and experience that young teach hope unless we ourselves are people cannot possibly have. It is vital that hopeful, not merely in a general sense but a hopeful learning community of adults in specific ways for individual children. and young people acknowledge that they Teaching hope involves focusing on have things to teach each other. strengths and cultivating a hopeful learning In such a community of learners, the community. development of a moral and social imagination would be central. The Focus on strengths imagination is best thought of holistically, One way to teach hope is to get to as a mode of mental functioning that know children, not merely their supplements the conventions of ordinary

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 23 experience. The imagination does not He kept it under his pillow and would merely represent the everyday physical let no one see it. and social world. It conceives of other And he would look at it every night possible worlds. And it is this opening of and think about it. possibility that leads to hope. If the world And when it was dark, and his eyes can be imagined to be different and if were closed, he could still see it. young people have experiences imagining And it was all of him. And he loved it. better, more caring possibilities, they have a resource from which to draw on their The youth took the picture to school own strengths. with him, to remind him of who he was One strategy to help students imagine and what he knew about himself He better possibilities is to have them build struggled to preserve his individuality as his their dream community. The best way to teacher and his mother encouraged him to do this is to discuss what they would like conform. When he began to behave like to see if they had the power to build a city the other students, the picture lost its or a neighborhood they may even build a power. After he threw the picture away, model of the world they imagine. Another ... he lay alone looking at the sky. strategy is to have students invent things It was big and blue and all of no one has seen before, such as everything, But he wasn’t anymore. computers that walk, new secret He was square inside, and brown, languages and codes, and new musical And his hands were stiff. instruments. The act of invention teases And he was like everyone else. the imagination and helps to develop an And the thing inside him that needed awareness of the possible. saying didn’t need it anymore.

Creating Hope Through the This poem illustrates the power of Imagination imagination to help one cope with the Once a supportive, strengths-based adversities of life. It also illustrates the environment exists, you can begin to responsibility adults have to preserve and create hope for children and youth by nurture hope through imaginative encouraging self-expression through their thinking. The creations of youthful imaginations. There are many children on imagination may be just the strengths we the verge of despair who echo, in their need to try to understand in order to private moments, the sentiments cultivate hopeful learning communities. expressed in a poem attributed to a Feeling-thinking. How can we Canadian high school senior who encourage and understand youthful committed suicide.* In the poem, the imagination? In The Book of Embraces, young man describes a picture he drew Eduardo Galeano (1992), introduced a that explained things he felt no one else new word, sentipensante, that applies to cared about-a picture that said things such imaginative activity: about himself he could not say otherwise:

24 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 Why does one write, if not to put one’s and to express values not explicit in the pieces together? From the moment we results of comprehensive tests. Young enter school or church, education people can create their own dances, chopsusintopieces:itteachesusto develop plays about a future they might divorce soul from body and mind from like to live in, write imaginary diaries heart. The fishermen of the Colombian about imaginary worlds, or create their Coastmustbelearneddoctorsofethics own songs. Making something lively, and morality, for they invented the expressive, and worth sharing with others word sentipensante, feeling-thinking, to is a way of affirming the self and inspiring define language that speaks the truth. strength and hope. (p. 32) We need to take youthful creativity seriously as valuable self-expression with The imagination is sentipensante in an the hope that our learning communities extended way. It does not speak the truth, are healthier, more caring environments in but allows one to play with possible truths, which individual lives are honored and can to transcend everyday reality. As we begin flourish. When I think about the poem by to merge thought and feeling, we begin to the Canadian high school student, I see a define values. Thought and feeling merged young man who was reaching out, crying in imaginative play or reverie can at times for help, and demonstrating creativity, suspend the laws of logic and reason, and insight, and intelligence. What if a caring we begin to dream new worlds. Both adult had read this poem and had become thought and feeling are elements that can part of an imaginative rescue attempt? be played with within the realm of the Maybe the young man would have imagination, and at the same time used to become hopeful and not taken his life. weigh and balance the values that emerge Maybe not. But good teaching always from these imaginative worlds. involves “maybes” on the hopeful side.

Tutors of hope References The imagination is a major source of Eliot. G. (1871-2. 1965). Middlemarch. Penguin: hope. What this implies is that the arts, Harmondsworth, Middlesex. England. music, drama, dance, literature, and Galeano, E. H. (1992). The book of embraces. C. poetry are not just things that have to be Belfrage and M. Schafer. trans. New York: W. W. Norton & Company. studied but essentials in the development Kohl, H. (1967). 36 children. New York: New of creative hopeful learning. They do not American Library. preach. Instead, they invite participation * This poem originally appeared in Generation and creation, and allow for dreaming and magazine, which is no longer being interpretation. For me the arts are the published. It also appeared on a poster for a tutors of hope. One of the major Canadian educational group. challenges teachers face today is to find This feature: Kohl, H. 2000. Hope and the ways of using the arts to reach out to Imagination. Reaching Today's Youth, 4,4 young people, to foster hopeful learning,

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 25 Types of knowledge

Mark Smith

s a family we ice-cream at the van that look after a sets up along from the Adisabled lad, pond. David, so as his We had David on one parents can get some of the days between respite. David can’t Christmas and New Year speak but is, and, as it was the holiday nonetheless, a very period, decided to go adept communicator. further afield in search of One of his favourite ducks to feed. So, we activities when he packed our stale bread comes to us is to feed and went into the hills the ducks at a local that surround Edinburgh. pond. As soon as he arrives at our house We walked up to a reservoir where there he flaps one of his arms as we might if we is usually a plentiful supply of ducks, swans were trying to mimic a chicken. He and geese. But there were none to be follows this up by putting his hand to his seen; the reservoir had mostly frozen over mouth and pretending to lick it, letting us following the coldest snap we have had in know in no uncertain terms that feeding Scotland for many a long year. the ducks is to be followed by an Walking back down to the car we met

26 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 one of the Water Board workers who who have lived through the different lived by the reservoir. He kept a few cycles of fish levels and who start to tell a animals on the grounds around his cottage different story based on what they are and was moving sheep to a pend for the finding in their nets. We see it in night when he and my wife got chatting. residential child care where social My wife, a city dweller all her days, asked workers and psychologists tell us how we if the sheep might like the bread we had should be looking after children, brought with us to feed the ducks. Funnily proffering advice that encourages those enough, he didn’t think they would but who work on the shop floor to question said that we’d be welcome to feed the how long these ‘experts’ might last in bread to the birds he kept. ‘That’s if you actual practice. can find any’, he added wistfully. He went The disjunctions in perspectives on to say that he had once kept as many outlined in the examples above aren’t just as 60 fantail pigeons. But conservation about science getting things wrong. At a groups and environmental scientists had, deeper level they challenge the whole in their wisdom, decided to reintroduce dominance of a scientific paradigm and ask hawks brought over from Scandinavia to questions of the very nature of rebalance what they claimed was the knowledge. Some of my current thinking natural habitat of the area. ‘But I’ve lived takes me back to the Greek philosopher here for forty years’ said our companion, Aristotle, who identifies different types of ‘and I’ve never seen a hawk here in all that knowledge. Specifically he identifies time. His friend on a nearby farm told the episteme, or theoretical and abstract same story. The result was that the newly knowledge, techne, denoting technical introduced hawks had attacked and killed know how and phronesis which emphaises off most of the birds he kept. He had practical and ethical wisdom grounded in written to politicians and newspapers he the everyday realities of practice. said, but no-one wanted to know. For too long in child and youth care we This encounter got me thinking about have existed in the thrall of scientific just what it is we do know and how we knowledge and its technical application. know it. We live in a world where we are We seek theories to understand and encouraged to bow down to scientific programmes to intervene. While each of knowledge; we are exhorted to practise in these might have some place in our canon, an evidence-based way. In such a climate what we can’t learn from books and the tacit and proximate knowledge of a manuals is the tacit and proximate man who has lived all his days in the hills is knowledge that only comes from actual superceded by the apparently superior practice and which is built up over years knowledge of those with a few letters of reflexion upon this. It is such phronetic after their names. We see a similar understandings of our worlds that we dynamic in other areas too; in fisheries need to aspire to and assert in child and scientists’ predictions of fish stocks being youth care. wiped out are discounted by trawlermen

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 27 ERIK REISS

Lizzy: Understanding attachment and loss in young people with complex needs

Edwina Grant, Mary McFarlane and Rita Crawford

Introducing Lizzy When on form, she sparkles. She is an avid Lizzy is now a twenty year-old young Dunfermline supporter attending all their woman with brown hair, lovely blue eyes home games with Richard, her foster and the most amazing smile. She has a father. One of the highlights of the year is great sense of humour and is a very Lizzy’s summer holiday which she really sociable person. She enjoys going out and enjoys. She is absolutely passionate about about, be it to the cinema, shopping trips, desserts, especially anything chocolate ten-pin bowling or for something to eat. flavoured. Lizzy enjoys being in company

28 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 but also enjoys her own space. She knows wonder about their future as a family. The her own mind. pain experienced by the family at this time Lizzy lives in a long-term residential is palpable in the following extracts taken house located in the local community. The from a diary kept by Lizzy’s mum (with house offers residential care to five young her permission). people with complex physical and Her mum writes: intellectual disabilities. The house is spacious and was designed for the young In late 1988 Lizzy started to attend the people who are currently living there. All Early Education Unit at Westerlea. I of these young people have been living in was full of hope that they would help the unit for between four and thirteen her to develop physically. It never years. Lizzy has her own bedroom with occurred to me that she would have en-suite toilet and bathing facilities. Her any learning disabilities. In 1989 Lizzy bedroom reflects her personality and is andIhadourfirsttriptothePeto adorned with Dunfermline football team Institute in Budapest and we had been posters and flags as well as photos of her told that with a lot of work we might family and lots of soft toys. teach Lizzy to walk and that she would Lizzy spends most of her life in a almost certainly talk. By the time Lizzy wheelchair and her only form of was eighteen months I started to carry communication is by eye pointing. When out gruelling exercise programmes you get to know her, she can use this twice daily with Lizzy. Both Lizzy and I quite effectively. found this very distressing. I worked She requires total assistance to eat and hard to make this work for Lizzy. In drink, as she has problems with food and May 1990 Lizzy’s brother was born. its consistency and everything has to be We went to the Spastic Society in liquidised. Indeed Lizzy requires total Edinburgh with Lizzy and were told assistance to stay alive. she would never talk and that we should try alternative communication. A story of attachment, loss, inclusion They also said children like Lizzy and recovery always end up in an institution in their Lizzy was born by caesarean section adult lives due to the demands they in1987 and had a very traumatic birth. By put on their carers. six months old she had been diagnosed as having cerebral palsy with dyskinesia With much heartache and which affects muscle tone and limits the soul-searching, the family decided to use of trunk and limbs. It became proceed with fostering for Lizzy in the apparent to her parents that her summer of 1991. Whilst they made this development across the board was decision, they have continued to be an delayed. By the time Lizzy was a year old, important part of Lizzy’s life and involved her mum was becoming depressed about in any major decisions regarding her her lack of progress and beginning to future and other aspects of her life.

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 29 When Lizzy was four-and-a-half years bitten her upper arms, this increased and old, she was placed in short-term foster staff had to introduce elastic upper arm care where she lived for the following supports as she had been prescribed year before being placed with Linda, antibiotics for the severe bites she had Richard and their two sons in a long-term given herself on several occasions. placement. She appeared settled and Staff became more seriously concerned happy for the next three and a half years about Lizzy’s physical and mental health as keeping some contact with her birth time went on. They were convinced that family. Lizzy’s behaviour was not connected to When Lizzy was nine years-old, Linda her complex physical needs. Advice was developed cancer. At this point, Lizzy sought from a number of health began to receive shared care from the unit professionals with very little success. in which she currently resides, to support Looking back now and stepping into Richard and Linda during Linda’s illness. Lizzy’s shoes, she had faced many major When Linda died, Lizzy moved into the challenges in her life from a difficult birth unit on a permanent basis. During this to separation from her birth family to the very sad time Richard remained and still loss of her foster mother. Her world must remains a constant feature in Lizzy’s life. have been turned upside down – how When she first moved in with us, she could she understand what had happened screamed constantly and there was no eye and why she was taken away from people contact. She was a sad and distressed little she loved and who loved her. Where did girl. After Lizzy’s initial settling-in period, Linda go? Why did she not live with however, she appeared to enjoy all the Richard any more? Why was she living experiences and opportunities that had with all these people she did not really opened up to her. When Lizzy was 15 know? Only one stable part of her life, the years old, however, staff noticed school, remained the same. deterioration in Lizzy’s general well-being. When the staff team discussed Lizzy’s She lost her sparkle, she lost her laughter, life, the amount of loss, trauma and and she did not want to connect with change she had experienced became anyone anymore. Lizzy started apparent to them. She would have poor self-harming, biting and gouging her hands understanding of what had happened, no and arms. She would also bite staff, and meaningful explanation, and little she was in a constant state of agitation. opportunity to grieve. Staff realised that She was not eating or sleeping well. As she must have felt abandoned and time went on, staff had to protect her by frightened. Staff wanted to help Lizzy to putting cotton gloves on her hands, as this understand what had happened, to helped prevent her from biting and reassure her that she was not to blame gouging her hands. She also had to wear and to help her to rebuild her trust in special walking socks to prevent her feet people and relationships. Were theoretical blistering from her constant agitation and understandings of attachment and loss a movement. Although Lizzy had always key to understanding Lizzy’s present

30 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 self-destructive behaviours? trusting relationships that grow with us, When looking for therapeutic making choices, developing skills and approaches to help Lizzy, the service abilities, and having a respected and manager discovered an intervention called valued role are important for our Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy. well-being. This therapy, developed by Hughes Everyone needs to be included, (2006), an American clinical psychologist, everyone needs relationships, everyone is based on attachment theory. He can communicate, everyone can learn, evolved this approach specifically to assist everyone has their own gifts and strengths children who have experienced trauma and everyone needs support – some more and loss to start on the road to recovery. than others. Research on attachment theory for Attachment theory informs us that our children with complex difficulties is sparse. experiences of care from our parents in What little there is suggests that our early years shape our view of ‘professional carers need to take on board relationships, potentially for the rest of that facilitating secure attachment our lives. Secure relationships are built on relationships for distressed clients may be the foundations of secure parenting. Our difficult for professionals, but partial resilience to meet life’s challenges assuagement of their attachment needs is develops as we build positive relationships a realistic clinical goal’ (Clegg and Lansdall, and have success in our skills and talents 1995, p. 296). It was decided to contact a (Daniel, Wassell and Gilligan, 1999). As therapist or psychologist who could offer Dan Hughes (2006) states: this Dyadic Developmental approach to see if a way could be found to create an In healthy families, a baby forms a intervention which would halt Lizzy’s secure attachment with her parents downward spiral. as naturally as she breathes, eats, The therapist suggested that a training smiles and cries. This occurs easily day for the team be organised to ensure because of her parents’ attuned all the staff received a basic understanding interactions with her. Her parents of attachment theory and its importance notice her physiological affective with respect to child and human states and they respond to her development. This was an excellent day. sensitively and fully. Beyond simply The staff spent some of the time reflecting meeting her unique needs, however, on Lizzy’s past and ways of supporting her her parents ‘dance’ with her. to move forward. Out of this training day Hundreds of times a day, day after came a therapeutic plan for Lizzy’s day, they dance with her. emotional recovery. There are other families where the baby neither dances nor even hears Theoretical perspectives the sound of any music (Hughes, Inclusion and attachment theory 2006, p. ix). (Bowlby, 1979) tells us that warm, close,

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 31 This ‘dance of attunement’ that forms Developing a therapeutic plan secure attachment can be disrupted by The therapist met Lizzy, her foster different factors – parental, environmental father and her staff team and talked about or child. For example, parents who have her personality, her likes and dislikes, her mental health problems or difficulties in strengths and talents, her successes, her their own attachment histories may not be struggles and her life story. Work was able to attune to the needs of their infants. done to help the staff to understand that Poor housing, unemployment and other much of Lizzy’s distressed and challenging forms of social exclusion can all make behaviour (self-harming, biting staff, and attunement more challenging for a parent. not eating or sleeping well) was an Some children, for example premature ordinary human reaction to separation and babies, babies with chronic illness, loss. Lizzy’s self-harming could be children with autism or learning disabilities construed as deliberate as she seemed or sensory impairments, may struggle to numb to hurting herself, with no signal their needs and this can make it discernable pain reaction, whereas if she difficult for parents to attune. was hurt accidentally she reacted to the Loss, change (particularly enforced pain. Lizzy seemed to be experiencing change) and trauma affect us all and are powerful feelings with poor understanding often accompanied by strong feelings such of events and limited opportunity and as despair, depression, anger, anxiety, means to share her feelings. Overall, it shame, loneliness, hopelessness and was no surprise she had lost her ‘sparkle’. helplessness (Herman, 1992; Mallon, 1998; The therapist facilitated a training day on Wayment and Vierthaler, 2002). There is attachment and loss for the whole staff evidence that such issues are exaggerated team and then worked with all concerned in children who are looked after (Meltzer to formulate a therapeutic plan aimed et al., 2003). How feelings are expressed in toward Lizzy’s emotional recovery. The behaviours will depend on the individual’s needs identified by the staff and her foster personality, resilience, past experience of father were as follows: relationships and support network. Extreme behaviours such as self-harming, • To be and feel safe; hitting out and even suicide attempts are • To feel special – loved and cherished; not unusual responses to such • To be accepted; overwhelming feelings, particularly when • To belong and to feel included; the person cannot make sense of what has • To have fun; happened and there is no-one to share • To be heard and to communicate; their emotional pain. Children in particular • To have success. often blame themselves for the loss of, or separation from, parents and carers. They These needs had to be met within the need much reassurance that it was not context of a secure attachment their fault. Such evidence was used to relationship. All but one of Lizzy’s actual inform the therapeutic plan for Lizzy. and potential close relationships were

32 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 with paid professionals. This situation of her day (Lizzy cannot speak but she (although often the norm for children and can most definitely communicate not adults with complex support needs) did only with eye pointing but with sounds not assist her to have an ordinary life and that clearly indicate her mood from be included in society. The one consistent, grouching to giggling!) A vital part of close relationship in her life was with her the work was to engage Lizzy in eye foster father. To meet Lizzy’s needs the contact, responding to Lizzy’s reactions following elements were included in the and allowing her to lead the therapeutic plan: conversation. The team thought a good time and place would be in Lizzy’s • Work on maintaining eye contact with bedroom between her return home Lizzy, allowing her access to a from day-care and tea-time. Lizzy had communication channel which is the choice not to participate. She has intense yet non-verbal; only decided not to participate on a • Maximising touch; few occasions; • Empathising with Lizzy; • The service manager put together a • Getting warm and cosy; photographic Life Story Book for Lizzy • Sharing experiences; starting from when she was a baby, • Just having fun. explaining the events in her life including the separation from her The plan unfolded gradually, initially family and the death of Linda, her starting in February 2007. This was made foster mother. It also celebrated her into a reality using the following strategies: past and present successes. One member of the team would read this • Enlisting the permission and support of with Lizzy, acknowledging the privacy Lizzy’s birth family to undertake this of such a story; work; • Using relaxing pleasurable sensory • Her foster father continuing his weekly experiences to give Lizzy an visits to spend time with Lizzy, opportunity to enjoy and trust touch. extending this from going to see These included Reiki, hand massage, Dunfermline play football to spending foot massage, and nail painting. The time with her in the residential unit; staff started to remove Lizzy’s gloves a • Four members of the staff team few minutes at a time, to give her back becoming Lizzy’s anchors committing as much freedom as possible; to spending individual time with her • Creating opportunities to have fun and every day helping her to feel special laugh with Lizzy; and doing things that she used to enjoy. • Staff acknowledged and stayed (safely) This included reading to her, holding with Lizzy’s anger and emotional pain. hands, watching TV, cuddling her, They assisted her to open up her telling her about their day and strong feelings by showing empathy encouraging her to tell them the stories (’This is hard for you’, ‘you look upset’,

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 33 ‘I am here to help you stay safe’, ‘I responsive she is, especially during her want to stay with you just now’) rather special time with them. The agitation has than deny these feelings or try to joke lessened and she has only bitten herself or talk her out of it (’don’t be angry’, once in the last six months. Staff are still ‘no need to be upset’ , let’s cheer you working on preventing Lizzy from hurting up’, ‘you’ll be OK’); herself. The permanent removal of her • The staff talked to Lizzy appropriately gloves is a long way off but continues to about her feelings and how staff were be pursued at every opportunity. Lizzy feeling, taking care to show emotions loves skin-on-skin contact and is now able in their faces as well as with words; to enjoy the experience of both massage • After reading Dan Hughes’ book, the and Reiki massage. It is lovely to see her service manager realised that Lizzy’s lying still, calm and totally relaxed. problems with sleeping could be as simple as not feeling secure in her bed. Conclusion This was rectified by buying a larger A therapeutic approach based on duvet and tucking it tightly round Lizzy attachment theory has been beneficial in and under the mattress. Lizzy now Lizzy’s case. Staff are able to see through sleeps soundly; the label of ‘complex needs’. They • Good communication and recording in understand that there was an isolated, the team to be clear what is working frightened young person who was having and what is difficult and/or challenging; extreme difficulties in dealing with feelings • Continued consultation between the of separation and loss. This empowered team and the therapist concerning staff to work in a pro-active way with understanding Lizzy’s feelings and Lizzy and to help her on her road to behaviour, the pace of unfolding the having an ordinary life. Every child, every plan, monitoring success and tackling human being, is quite unique. We are all a challenges. mix of genetics, early years’ experiences of being looked after by our parents or As a result of the implementation of carers and events in our life. the therapeutic plan, the change in Lizzy Every child needs to feel special. It is has been amazing and all this has been clear that the quality of the affectionate achieved without having to increase her bonds a child has in their early years medication. Lizzy has her ‘sparkle’ back affects how they feel about themselves, and she is much more communicative and how they feel about and relate to other vocal, smiling and laughing. Her eye people, and their world view. Secure contact is much better and she is now attachments build resilience to deal with interested in what is happening around life’s challenges and the child grows up her. People who know her have knowing that if something happens with commented on how happy, healthy and which they cannot cope, there will always well she is looking. Lizzy’s anchors have be someone there to help sort it out. As mentioned they have noticed how practitioners, we should not forget the

34 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 truth of this for our children and young people with severe and complex needs.

References Bowlby, J. (1979). The making and breaking of affectional bonds. New York: Routledge. Clegg, J.A. & Lansdall, R. (1995). A theoretical review informing three clinical interventions. Journal of Intellectual Disability, 39, 295-305. Daniel, B., Wassell, S. & Gilligan, R. (1999). Child development for child care and protection workers. London: Jessica Kingsley. Herman, J. (1992). Trauma and recovery. New York: Basic Books. Hughes, D.A. (2006). Building the bonds of attachment: Awakening love in deeply troubled children (2nd edition). New York: Jason Aronson. Mallon, B. (1998). Helping children to manage loss. London: Jessica Kingsley. Meltzer, H., Lader, D., Corbin, T., Goodman, R. & Ford, T. (2003). The mental health of young people looked after by local authorities in Scotland. Edinburgh: The Stationery Office. Wayment H. A. & Vierthaler, J. (2002). Attachment style and bereavement reactions. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 7(2), 129-149.

From: Scottish Journal of Residential Child Care Volume 8 No 1 February/March 2009 pp.29-37

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 35 moments with youth Poetics and the Language of Youth Work

Mark Krueger

This column is another in a series of columns in which I have written about writing and morality in child and youth care. I was moved to write it in a recent discussion about meaning making, reflective research, and a phenomenological approach to our work.

or many fiction writers, poetry is the spontaneously) to it many times to try to truest way to portray an image or capture the essence (hear it deep) of what Fexpress a feeling. For example, prize he or she wants to say, or the picture the winning novelist Roberto Bolano poem is intended to portray. The reader considered poetry the highest form of reads the situation in the moment as part expression. He wrote poems when he is of the larger whole, or their world view as not working on his novels. Even though it shaped by their experience. was very difficult, he could say something Similar to the way I wrote in October in a few words than he could not say in in this column (In the Spaces Between) the longer narrative form. about a Sam Shepard, playwright and poet Some poems are written of dialog in his own right, in most poems spontaneously like jazz. In general a poet the spaces between the words are as works a poem until he or she feels it is just important as the words. The poet right or rings attempts to true. It can invite the reader take days, into the poem months or to contemplate years before and relate the it looks and images related sounds right. to the readers The author own writes a first experience. The draft and hope is that it returns (even will ring true for to the ones the reader as written well, and this ENRIQUE SALLENT

36 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 will make them curious enough to engage In this poem, which is about a panther in a personal dialog or discourse with the not youth work, Rilke captures the work. Or to say, “Yes, that’s the way it is. I experience of the caged panther in a few never thought of it that way, but that is words. When I read it I am overwhelmed the way I experience it. I understand. Or I by its clarity and power. I can almost feel want to understand more.” what the panther must have been feeling. I The movement of words and the am unable to go to the zoo and not think rhythm of a poem are crucial to its of it. When I first read it, I compared it to success. The tempo has to be consistent the experience I had with troubled youth with the mood the writer wants to convey who lived caged in their community and otherwise the poem does not read true. how we had to create experiences and So is the ability to see a situation for what activities that would make the light shine it is to the writer. When German poet from their eyes in our activities and Rilke lost his way, sculptor Rodin told him interactions. to go to the zoo and look at the animals The line “Properly weathered places” until he could see them. Rilke went and in William Carlos William’s poem Pastoral looked at a panther for days then wrote resonated almost immediately with my this poem which I have presented in this calling to escape the American pastoral column in the past (translated by poet and work with youth in urban Robert Bly): communities. Williams, a medical doctor, was expressing how he felt more comfortable in places with a history of The Panther aging and poverty. His work portrays both the struggle and beauty of these places From seeing the bars, his seeing is so and the people in them. exhausted that it no longer holds In creating, writing and speaking about anything anymore. moments in our work, perhaps we should To him the world is bars, a hundred be more like the poet and try to capture thousand bars, and behind the bars, the essence of what we want to say while nothing. paying attention to the mood we care The lithe swinging of that rhythmical conveying with everyday words. Poet Ezra easy stride which circles down to the Pound referred to this as the quest for tiniest hub is like a dance of energy fundamental accuracy of statement, which around a point in which a great will he saw as the sole morality of poetry. stands stunned and numb. Much of the language and writing in our Only at times the curtains of the pupil field is foreign to the way an event or out a sound ... then a shape enters, conversation occurred. It is written slips through the tightened silence of sometimes to impress an imaginary the shoulders, reaches the heart, and audience of professionals, administrators dies. and academics. Generally people like language that is clear and conveys an

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 37 image of the situation the writer is trying including acknowledgment of the dualities to convey. and absurdities in our work. There is If we believe that our goal is to something very important about a line understand rather than prove, we should such as, “He got up from his chair and have confidence if we strive for joined the activity” when presented in the fundamental accuracy of statement will context of a youth who had avoided advance our field just as poets have been involvement. Or, simply, “He smiled,” for instrumental advancing the social, cultural, a youth who had been “caged” in a life of and creative development of the world. despair. Properly placed in a vignette or This is not to say that we should write case example, phrases like these can be poems in place of our reports in articles very powerful in informing us and the and conversations, but rather that we reader or listener. could learn from poets and the power of images and words that ring true and be a little more like them by choosing with care words that covey the images, feeling state, or analysis we are trying to share,

GRAPHOO

38 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144

Lessons From The Tiler

Lesiba Molepo

Introduction During festive the season, many people tend to rest. Some take long holidays to various tourist destinations. Others do all sorts of things, especially those things that they cannot get to do during the course of the year. This past festive season, I immediately thought of those child and decided to spend my time in Tshebela youth care workers who work far away Village, GaMolepo which is situated in the from their homes. In South Africa, there rural area of Limpopo Province, South are a number of child and youth care Africa. workers who still work far away from their families. They do so, (1) to be able to Some rest, others work provide for their families since job Part of my plan was to renovate my opportunities in this field are not yet little house. It is the type of house many evenly available in different provinces, (2) would call a holiday house as I do not to get to work for organisations that will spend too much time there. It is not a reasonably meet their needs in terms of very well built house, not so straight, and working conditions as well as salaries. even the material used is not of good quality. To go and tile this house I decided Family as the source of strength on a tiler whom I normally use in the This tiler arrived on a public holiday. As urban area of Johannesburg for projects is the case with many child and youth care such as this one. This meant that he had to workers, working on a public holiday was travel some 350km away from his home the norm for this tiler. On the first day, we and family to go and do this job. I worked until late at night, using the

40 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 generator, as there is no electricity – formal and informal assessment before another sign that resources and services committing to any interventions which have still not reached some rural areas. might cause irreversible harm. As child Before he could go to bed, he used his and youth care workers we cannot cellphone to call his beloved wife. I underestimate the importance of realised that she was his source of assessment. We need to carry out this strength. This tiler would not let the task in such a way that when we proceed, distance or the task at hand make him we proceed on a solid, well laid forget about the importance of calling his foundation. loved ones. He spent a while talking to I was expecting the tiler to complain this person, also finding out how the rest about the floor not being level. of family members were doing. After his Particularly, I expected him to complain conversation he let us know that everyone about the builder who obviously did a was fine back at home. He really looked shabby job in the first place, but he did reenergised after this call. Then he took a not. In child and youth care, we tend to long bath before he went to bed. This is quickly blame those who have lived with what child and youth care workers need the young persons in our care before us. to do, after a long shift, a long day, or Their parents, step-parents, foster along hectic week, we need to find time parents, previous places of care, etc., tend to relax, think of our families and then to be on the receiving end of our take care of ourselves. Of course, people complaints. Instead of getting down to the take care of themselves in different ways, task at hand we often spend much time but whatever it is that refreshes us, we complaining about the ‘mess’ others have need to find that one thing and do it. made in these youngsters’ lives. Yet we know that complaining will not help. In my The wall was not straight, the floor mind I might have thought to myself, was not level ‘you’d better not complain Mr Tiler The following day, I watched him get because that is the reason why I brought down to the real job of tiling the house. you all the way to come do this job’. I had He spent a lot of time trying to level the belief and confidence in him as a ground. It must have taken him about 45 professional tiler. I would like to believe minutes to get the level of the floor right. that deep inside those that we serve, this He spent time establishing which tile will is the kind of belief they hold about us. give him the best level for the rest of the Whether we are volunteers, trained or house. He did not rush into laying the rest qualified child and youth care workers, of the tiles. He knew that if he did not get they expect us to help with all the it right from the start, the rest of the tiles challenges they may be facing, we will be were not going to be level. Then the able to contain and guide their importance of assessment in child and ‘uncontrollable’ behaviours. Parents, too, youth care jumped to my mind. I was believe that even if they may have reminded about the importance of both contributed to some undesired behaviours

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 41 in their children, we will help so that that if you are looking for a professional things do not get worse. What is the point tiler, look for someone who cuts and join of reminding them of their often tiles properly. Measurements need to be unintentional mistakes? Other perfect, and poor joints can really expose professionals who have worked with those who are not professionals. But with these children also believe that they did this particular tiler I was not too their bit, and therefore that they can trust concerned about his cutting and us to take on from where they have left measuring skills for I had seen his work off. before. I knew he would do a good job. This tiler cut his tiles in such a way that What really impressed me was to see how they would fit the shape of the wall, neatly cut were those pieces of tiles that despite it being crooked. He did the best were at the end not even used. By the that he could under the circumstances. way, I must mention that at the end of the And I was reminded that this is the reason job, pieces equivalent to only one tile why we are in this profession of working were left. This is an indication that his with people whose difficult life estimations were also spot on. Those few circumstances made them seek our little pieces were also neatly cut and also services — even those that were referred remained in beautiful shape. I then to us, for we must remember that they thought of those young people that, did not all come voluntarily. We therefore despite our efforts and professionalism, need to respond without blaming others we cannot manage to assist. However who have dealt with them in the past. hard we may have tried, their special Even that ‘abusive’ foster parent may have needs are such that we could not done something good that has positively successfully reach them. Such youngsters contributed to where this child is today. need to be treated in a way that even Had this foster parent not been there, this after they have left our programmes and child might have been in a worse situation. despite our attempts, they must have After all, where were we when this foster dignity. Even if they are not respected by parent volunteered to take in this child? So society, they should know deep in their we don’t blame, and simply take over hearts that we have treated them with the from where they left off? respect they deserved. The one hope I have for them is that one day they can Not all tiles will be used in full, it is look at themselves, the opportunities they necessary to cut some had, and be able to say ‘I had an excellent Tilers tend to use full tiles in the bunch of professional people in my life. beginning. At this stage it is easier, as the Even if the opportunities did not assist me main job is to ensure that the spacing at the time, when I look at other between the tiles is accurate. Towards the youngsters that have been through the end, especially when we get to the end of programme with me, I am convinced that the walls and between door frames, that’s it was a good programme’. where the difficult task begins. I believe In conclusion, when I look at my little

42 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 house now, I feel proud of it. It gives me motivation and courage to extend it. I now realise that it always had the potential to look better, but all it needed was a professional tiler. Next time I want to do anything on it, I will hire nobody less that a professional. The tiler was also impressed with his own work. During the “The day that you think conversation, he said: ‘I am not only doing it for you but also for those who will be you could not have ended visiting your house’. He might have been thinking of possible future clients. I think up just like the worst of this may be one difference between his the troubled youths you profession and ours. Whereas tilers may also be concerned with future clients, in serve, you should leave our profession our focus is ‘this child’ at this work because you this moment. I therefore trust that we will always aspire to hire at least those who have lost your ability for work towards becoming professionals, if empathy.” not yet professionals, so that we can all feel proud and confident about those young people who come through our BILL MORSE (to Larry Brendtro) programmes.

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 43 parenting Now we are Six

Liz Laidlaw

recently survived my daughter’s sixth I awarded a prize to the last one standing. birthday party. The whole thing proved The rest all literally turned on me Ivery challenging, and not only because I demanding to know where “their” prize was recovering from the flu. Watching was. I was actually a little frightened by these girls this response. communicate, cope Quickly, they were with feelings, get diverted by the offer along, and alternately, of another game (and not get along, was another prize). They educational and highly roared their approval emotional, especially and raced to “Pin the for me. Flower on the It all started Teapot”, a cute innocently enough. version of pin the tail Twelve little girls on the donkey. The arrived, most with blindfold goes on but pretty tea party something tells me dresses on. The first we should have test game we played is run this one. The “Cake Walk”, which first one up put the is like Musical Chairs, flower squarely except that everyone where it was required has a “place” so there to go. Hmmm. The is no need to push second one up did and shove. The person who is “out” is the same. Double hmmm. Then I heard determined by drawing numbers. The someone whisper, “I’ll tell you the trick”. girls loved dancing and jumping around to A more impenetrable blindfold was the music. We declared a winner and immediately located. “But I can’t open my then I made my first (almost fatal) mistake. eyes!” the next one protested. “Precisely

44 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 the idea” I replied. demitasse cups, which is marvellous, When everyone has had a turn, in my except all the cups are different and there infinite wisdom, I award two more prizes is much bickering over who gets which (as there was a tie) and hope to move on. cup. The Barbie cake (the actual edible The protest is deafening. The two who cake is the Barbie skirt and the plastic doll have won are fighting over the (wrapped) emerges out the top from waist up) is prizes and those who have lost are brought out and we all sing. My daughter howling their indignation. “Where’s my is beaming, truly thrilled in her moment. prize!” they wail. I consider raiding my Then I hear one girl declare, “I don’t like daughter’s piggy bank and giving them Barbie’s hair”. “Me neither”, agrees money. At this point my husband feels it another, “and her dress is ugly too”. I necessary to point out that he had want to cover Barbie’s ears so she isn’t “wondered about” my decision to award offended. Only two girls bring up their prizes at all, since there weren’t enough dishes and say thank you (one of them for everyone. Thank you ever so much being my daughter, only because she can but next time, could you please “wonder” probably see how frazzled I am). out loud and prior to the event? I don’t know why I’m so shocked by Apparently we are raising children who any of this behaviour. Both of my children don’t win or lose, are never first or last at have often displayed undesirable any cost. If you are going to have one behaviour, as have I and many other adults prize, you must have a prize for all. We I know, come to think of it. Maybe are to treat it like a golf tournament, because I remember how nasty girls can where everyone wins something no be and maybe because my daughter is so matter how horrible they do at the game. innocent and so far fairly uncorrupted that Personally, I always win the crappy prize at it has yet to occur to her to be nasty to the golf tournament and would rather go someone just for the sake of being nasty. home empty handed than with the cooler Watching all of this makes me quiver with bag shaped like a golf bag or the XXL golf fear and trepidation. How will she cope shirt emblazoned with giant logos from with the intricate balancing act of making motor oil companies. But that’s just me. I and maintaining relationships throughout remember birthday parties when I was her life, let alone throughout elementary younger where I did not win a prize and I school? don’t recall suffering any kind of emotional Who these little girls are and how they breakdown that scarred me for life. connect with each other depends on so As we sit down for “tea” and cake, much; their birth order, if they have someone sits at the head of the table siblings, the parenting styles of the adults where my daughter wants to sit and won’t in their lives, their innate nature, what move. Tears are threatened. An they see modeled on a daily basis just to intervention ensues and eventually, after name a few factors. My daughter is a first much negotiation, peace is restored. The born, so her innocence seems to be girls have juice in my mother’s precious lasting longer. Those with older siblings

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 45 are taught things much earlier, and I can doesn’t win any prizes, then maybe, just attest to that from personal experience. maybe, she’ll be able to handle a grown up My daughter only learned the alternate social gathering or life in general. I’ve lyrics to Jingle Bells last year when she was been to many social gatherings where five. My son is just two and can already grown ups have behaved much worse sing (with glee) “Batman smells, Robin laid than these amazing girls. an egg”. So some of the girls with older This experience has reminded me how brothers and sisters appear to be more wonderful and complicated being six can jaded and savvier while the ones who are be. These girls are on the edge of the the oldest are more apt to be bossy and world, about to tumble in and experience used to having things their way. Watching it in all its ragged, nasty, astonishing glory. them all interact and socialize is fascinating I imagine seven is just as awe inspiring, so and extremely painful. I find myself I’d better get used to it. If my daughter horrified yet unable to look away, like takes after me at all (and I’m afraid she driving by a bad car wreck. They learn by does), she’ll find herself to be hyper doing and whatever doesn’t kill them will sensitive to the people she’s in make then stronger I guess. relationship with in life. This will prove to My daughter had opted out of having be sometimes difficult, but should also gifts and instead had a “toonie” party. make her empathetic and compassionate, Each child brought two toonies, one for not necessarily bad qualities. And if we the birthday girl (to buy something special want to bring out some killer instincts we for herself) and one for a charity (in my can always play party games for piggy bank daughter’s case Habitat for Humanity), so coin. “A work in progress”, as they say. we were spared the gift opening ceremony. Instead she opened cards that were made or signed by her friends and she took great joy in that. The girls all crowded around and watched with anticipation until their card was opened and then beamed with pride as it was admired and passed around. She still has all the cards in a special drawer and picks them up and looks lovingly at them. In the end I may have been exhausted and a little shell shocked, but my daughter was beyond happy. To her, the party had been a huge success, and that, essentially, is all that matters. If she can come through a social event where some of the guests behave poorly, cheat at games, Originally published in Relational Child & Youth steal her seat, insult her cake, and she Care Practice, 19/2, Summer 2006

46 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 practice with the non–compliance through punishment. Concern can center on the critical learning and creating Meeting support for mastery rather than the Expectations worker’s self-esteem. Learning strategies instead of control and Valuing the strategies become the focus of Importance of attention and this is easiest for workers who do not doubt their the Expectation authority or power position. When workers say things like Jack Phelan “I don’t have to put up with that” FELIX MZIOZNIKOV or “these youth need to learn who is in charge around here”, the enry Maier wrote about this issue focus has shifted from the value of the many years ago (Maier, 1987) and task to the workers’ hurt feelings. HI believe it may be a useful topic Our task in a developmentally based for this month. When we work with program is to support growth, teach new youth we often experience them not competencies, and reduce external meeting the expectations we have control wherever it is useful. Punishment prescribed for them. It could be attending responses based on the need of the staff school, or completing a task, or just members to feel like they are in charge is getting out of bed. When we focus our an indication of a less experienced and attention on the ignored expectation, we somewhat fearful staff. feel a loss of status or self-esteem, Child and Youth Care supervisors can because our behavioral goal was not met, support the team to focus on the value of and the typical reaction is to use power to the specific task and how it is necessary create the desired behavior. for the youth to learn useful things, rather Child and Youth Care staff can take a than the power dynamics that arise different, more developmentally focused through non-compliance or poor view, and highlight the value of the performance . expectation rather than the violation. The challenge is to use a develop- Focus on the violation ultimately comes to mental lens rather than a behavioral lens revolve around authority issues and a to interpret and strategize when our power struggle, while continued concern expectations are not met. with expectations maintains the original concern with what we value to be important. Maier, H. (1987). Developmental group care of We can emphasize supporting a youth children and youth: Concepts and practice. to fulfill expectations in terms of their (pp 78-79). New York: Haworth Press. actual appropriateness rather than dealing

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 47 practice What Do You Expect?

John Stein

ne of my challenge. The education principal asked Oprofessors what she meant. opened class one She told him about day with a parable. their IQs. The principal was now On her first taken aback – he day, a few days didn’t understand. before school She went to her would start, classroom and the new returned with the teacher found list. “Oh that,” he a list of her said. “That’s their students on JONATHON ROSS attendance for last her desk. Behind each name was a year.” While 120 number ranging between 120 and may be a respectable IQ, it’s a 144. She thought to herself, “My terrible attendance record for a what high IQs these children have. I school year of 180 days. Even 144 will have to prepare lessons carefully indicates 36 days’ absence–a day a to maintain their interest.” After a week. As a new teacher, she had few months, her colleagues were been given the worst students, not remarking about how well her the best. students were doing. Her principal asked her one day how she managed OK. You saw that (or something like to motivate these children to come to it) coming. I doubt it was a true story, but school each day and perform so well. there is truth in it. The moral is that A bit taken aback, she replied that she children, like other people, tend to live up thought working with such gifted to (or down to) expectations – provided children was a privilege, not a that the expectations are not out of reach.

48 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 I had planned to write about goals. in those days, it was the shared One of the things I noticed about so many expectations of my community. My goals of the troubled kids with whom I worked were simple day-to-day things – get a over the years was that they had no goals, good grade on the physics exam, get a either short term or long term. They had date for the dance, beat my best friend at little or no concept of the future. I would basketball. It was my expectations that sometimes ask an adolescent where he were more important, not only the saw himself at the age of twenty-five, expectations I had of myself but also the what he thought his life would be like. I expectations I had of others and of the always got a blank stare. I would ask world in which I lived. I expected to questions such as, “Where will you be behave well and to do well. I expected living?” “What kind of job will you have?” my peers to behave well and do well. I “Will you have a car?” “Will you be expected adults to treat me fairly. When I married?” It seemed to me that their not made a mistake, I expected adults to having any goals was a significant aspect of “correct me,” to explain what was wrong the problems they were experiencing. with what I did and what I could have Then I read the article on expectations done. If I studied for an exam, I expected by Kiaras Gharabaghi in January’s issue of to get a good grade. CYC-Online, Small and Stupid, see it at So what about the expectations of http://www.cyc-net.org/cyc-online/cyconli troubled kids? What expectations do ne-jan2011-gharabaghi.html. It made me others have of them? Others like their think. The problem was not with goals peers, their parents, their teachers? Child but rather with expectations. Why would and youth care workers? What you have a goal if you had no expectation expectations do they have of themselves? of achieving it? Do they expect themselves to go to I would have had trouble with those school every day? If they do go to school, questions as a teenager. I had no goals. do they expect to learn? If they study for What I had were expectations. I expected a test, do they expect to pass? Do they to graduate high school and go on to expect to graduate? If they graduate, do college. I expected to get married and they expect to be able to got to college or have a good job. I expected to have a nice get a job? What kind of boyfriend or apartment and a car. These were not girlfriend do they expect to have? What goals, they were things I expected. More do their peers expect of them? Do their importantly, they were shared expect- parents expect them to do well in school? ations – not just expectations that I had Their teachers? Their peers? for myself, but expectations that my Perhaps even more importantly, do parents and my teachers had for me. they expect to be safe? At home? At More, even my peers had these expecta- school? With their peers? tions of me, as I did of them. We all When I worked in the housing projects, expected these things. I saw too many children who did not It was not goals that governed my life expect to succeed, children who did not

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 49 expect to grow up to have a good job, no environment where learning is expected, matter what they did in school. They did where everyone (not only the staff but not expect it, their friends did not expect also the kids) expects staff to teach and it, their teachers did not expect it, their children to learn, to learn the how’s and parents did not expect it. Indeed, why’s and skills associated with everyone might have wished for their appropriate behavior. success, but no one expected it. Wishes I never saw anyone do this better than and dreams are only fantasies when there James Rogers. James was the program is little expectation of success. manager of a group home for twelve boys Years later, when my wife worked with that relied heavily on a social skills children going through the court system, curriculum – not making friends and such, she met kids who did not even expect to but skills such as respecting adults, live to the age of twenty-five. How about respecting peers, expressing anger that for expectations? What goals did they appropriately, and accepting criticism. set for themselves? Seven skills were broken down into When troubled children come into a specific steps and staff were trained to residential program, do we explain what teach the skills and coach the boys in their the rules are and what is expected? Do use. James supervised the staff and the we then expect them to be compliant and living environment. When problems docile? To stop being oppositional? To would occur (or erupt), and they stop having temper tantrums? To stop sometimes did, James would stop lying? To stop stealing? To stop running everything. Sometimes he would take a away? Or do we realistically expect them boy who was having a problem to his to continue to have many of the same office. Other times he would assemble problem behaviors that brought them into the group in the dining room. He would treatment? And if we do, how do we talk a bit about the problem. Soon he begin to change expectations? would get to his classic routine, which all I always thought of the kids with whom of the boys learned pretty quickly: I worked as “normal.” Their behavior, their feelings and emotions, perhaps their James: Who’s the adult here? beliefs, values, or attitudes may have been Adolescent: You are, James. outside normal limits, but I always James: Who’s the child? believed that they learned quite normally. Adolescent: I am. I believed that they learned all of their James: What’s the adult’s job? “problems” quite normally, given the Adolescent: To teach. circumstances presented to them. James: And what’s the child’s job? Consequently, I didn’t expect them to Adolescent: To learn. behave, but I did expect them to learn, James: Am I doing my job? provided we could arrange the necessary Adolescent: Yes, James. circumstances. James: Are you doing your job? The challenge, then, is to create an Adolescent: (quietly) No.

50 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 (James recognized only two types of Adolescent: I am. people, children and adults. These tough James: What’s Suzanne’s job? adolescents accepted this from James Adolescent: To teach. because he always treated children like James: Is Suzanne doing her Job?... And adults, with the utmost respect, except so on. for this one distinction.) Then James would begin teaching. But James and his staff used the Although capable of delivering a powerful teaching part daily. lecture, his strength was in the way he The other expectation that is necessary asked questions to make the boys think is the expectation of success. Many of the “How do you think Bobby feels when...?” children who come to the attention of “How do you feel when...?” “Do staff child and youth care workers have had ever treat you like that?” “How would it little experience with success, beginning look if I did that?” He made the boys with their relationships. More likely, their think about things such as feelings and success had to do with ending values and the results of their behavior. relationships, with leaving one placement Then he would walk the boys through the after another and one school after steps of the social skill that was the another, starting with their own homes. problem. All the boys learned the steps of Or success with deviant activities, all the skills within their first few weeks. sneaking cigarettes or drugs, shoplifting They could recite them verbatim. The and theft, bullying others or manipulating problem was not in learning the skills but adults and avoiding consequences, rather rather in learning to use them in the day than success in school, athletics, music. to day challenges of daily living. James The first step is creating an helped the boys to learn how to apply environment where children feel safe, their skills, coaching them in their use of even to fail, an environment where they the skills. Then James would return the expect to remain, an environment that boys to normal activities. will not quit on them, no matter what. James did not use his “Who’s the This requires developing a history of not adult?” routine every day, just often discharging children for their behavior, enough to establish and maintain the where all kids expect to finish the shared expectations that adults would program, whatever that may entail. The teach and children would learn. At times, second step is making sure that children James would use the “Who’s the adult?” experience success by helping them set routine in support of staff, or to process small goals for themselves that are something that happened in school: realistically attainable, helping them to succeed, then helping them to recognize James: Who’s the adult here, you or and appreciate their accomplishments. It Suzanne? must permeate the milieu, from helping Adolescent: Suzanne. them to do their chores well, to making James: Who’s the child? sure they win once in a while in games and

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 51 contests, to helping them plan and carry little to help children feel successful. out an activity for the weekend, not just giving them goals on their treatment plan. There can be little satisfaction in There were rarely consequences other making good choices when the choice is than the teaching routine, except for the based simply on whether or not to get a expectation that boys would do whatever reward or avoid a punishment. was reasonably within their power to And so James created an environment make things right. Consequences in the where everyone expected adults to teach form of rewards and punishments in an and everyone expected children to learn. attempt to coerce compliance contribute The staff expected it and the boys little to the creation of a learning expected it. The better the boys became environment. These things do not teach, at using the skills they learned, the better at least not the things that children need their lives got, in the group home, in to learn. Behavior is not controlled so school, and at home. People began to much by the consequences that people expect good things from the boys, and might arrange as it is by values and beliefs they began to expect good things of and feelings and attitudes. These things themselves. They began to experience determine what behavior is appropriate success, especially in their relationships. and important. It is these things that Experience with success leads to children must learn. These are the things increasing expectations of success and to adults must teach. More, coercion does self-confidence.

52 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 debate Defining to Exclude

Kiaras Gharabaghi

ately there has been some discussion can’t claim to be any different, and I have on CYC Net and elsewhere about thought a lot about why some Ldefining the discipline of child and contributions to the field are more youth care practice. Actually, the satisfying than others and why other discussion hasn’t really been about contributions I find outright offensive. I’ve defining the discipline, but this issue seems come up with nine random self to always creep into whatever else it is we realizations: might be talking about. In current discussions, attempts are made at stating 1. I think it is possible to simply be wrong specifically what child and youth care is and incompetent, and some people and what it is not, fears are expressed at are wrong and incompetent; I find it the prospect of fragmenting or dividing annoying to read things written by the field based on language, topics and them. themes, and the usual divisions amongst 2. I think everyone seeks to exclude academics and practitioners are variably others from their turf, and child and lamented and celebrated. Our need to youth care as a discipline is very much label what we are talking about is an a turf that we protect and claim interesting phenomenon. Our need to ownership of. I know I have a fairly determine who gets to talk about what is distinct image of our discipline that also interesting but perhaps a little isn’t always theoretically sound or worrisome. Our need to have opinions practical, but it is deeply entrenched. I about how things ought to be talked about find opening the door to expand or is outright scary. And still, I am convinced shift that image surprisingly difficult, that just about everyone who has but it helps to be aware that my participated in the discussions as of late, tendency is to try and exclude. and perhaps most others involved in child 3. Exclusion is a skill, and some people and youth care at some level somewhere are very good at it and able to exclude has pretty strong feelings about the whole in ways that seem to suggest inclusion. issue of who belongs and who does not. I The onus is on the excluders to either

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 53 acknowledge their desire to exclude impressed by those who resist any or to work harder to listen to the thought or approach that doesn’t perspective of those not present (of immediately translate into practice, those feeling excluded). Very few but I am not all impressed by those people seem to do this work. who seem to use language to mask a 4. I like it when occasionally, when the lack of knowledge and in the process moment seems right, not too often offend both the practitioners and the but perhaps more than once per year, philosophers. we stop talking about ourselves and 10. I still believe that the drive to inclusion our grand designs for the post modern almost always results in exclusion. nirvana of perpetual deconstruction in Inclusion should not require a special the name of liberation (dogma) and drive but simply be reflective of our make even a faint reference to youth. humanity. That would be nice. 6. I think the Canadian spelling of I know what you are thinking: hey ‘behaviour’ is aesthetically superior to look, he said he had nine points, but the American spelling of ‘behavior’, clearly there are ten! To those of you who and until this is formally recognized, are simply wrong and incompetent, I say we should stop drawing any “learn how to count!” To those of you connections between child and youth who claim ownership over care practice and behaviour/behavior. anti-oppression, I say “who are you to say 7. I find it offensive when some linguistic how many points there are?” To those of approaches to the field claim you who worry about the fragmentation ownership over the concept of of the field, I say “whose side are you on”? anti-oppression; in fact, I find the most And to the children and youth I have met oppressive environments to be the over the years, I say “give me five”! ones that demand of everyone to practice anti-oppression in the same way. 8. I don’t think our field is at risk of being fragmented or divided; I do think it is at risk of becoming (or perhaps remaining) largely irrelevant. 9. Amongst those who articulate their thoughts about the field frequently and publically, I am always most impressed by those who do so in lots of different ways, using lots of different languages, and focusing on lots of different levels of abstraction, from the very practical to the very abstract. I am less

54 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 leon fulcher's postcard From the UK

toast to all good Scotsmen and women – along with friends – A Burns’ Supper formally begins with Aas we celebrate another Burns these salutary lines: “Fair fa’ your honest, Supper this year. This annual salute to sonsie face, [Fair full your honest, jolly Robbie Burns involves haggis, neeps and face], Great chieftain o’ the tatties, along with a dram or two hoisted puddin-race! [Great chieftain of the to oor 18th Century Scottish Bard! Burns’ sausage race!] Aboon them a’ ye tak your Ode to a Haggis is recited world wide place, [Above them all you take your –since 1801 – to launch an evening spent place,] Painch, tripe, or thairm: celebrating Scottish cultural identity. [Stomach, tripe, or intestines:] Weel are Haggis made the news in senior diplom- ye wordy o’ a grace as lang’s my arm. atic circles this month! The Government [Well are you worthy of a grace {or of Scotland seeks access to the lucrative prayer} as long as my arm.]” American haggis market along with Scotch whisky. Burns’ Suppers feature prominently there.

Home of William Shakespeare – Bard of English Literature

Reflecting on celebrations of Scottish culture, a recent visit to Stratford-upon- Avon and a drive through the Cotswolds had me drawing comparisons with how the famous English Bard, William Shakespeare, is celebrated. Shakespeare’s theatre is reproduced world-wide. It is Burns’ Night – Ode to a Haggis

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 55 studied in every secondary school and is and Scottish throne(s). Burns’ Suppers and known in some way or another by almost Ode to a Haggis satirize these ancient everyone. However, a fact remains: there historical rivalries. is no world-wide tradition of Shakespeare Suppers or the Scottish Ode to a Haggis.

A Jacobean Gate House Playing with Fire – in a Cotswolds’ Village Characteristic of Child & Youth Care?

I’ve lived nearly forty years the United I was brought back to immediacy while Kingdom and still historical moments keep watching a young man juggle fire in the hitting me in the face. I gaze in amazement centre of Cheltenham. He had me at Renaissance architecture built well thinking about the characteristics of a child before Canada became a country, before and youth care approach. Isn’t it the American War of Independence or the interesting how by ‘hanging out’ and French settled in Quebec. I always ‘hanging in’ with a young person, child and wondered about the terms Jacobean and youth care workers are frequently out Jacobite. Wikipedia helped me learn how there playing with fire; living on the edge. both names are derived from the Latin As I reflected back on crisis moments version of James – King James that is! It which demanded being in the present was King James VI and I (same guy) who ever yet poised for action, the symbolism authorised the King James Version of the of playing with fire resonated. One bad Bible. Some may know of it. He was also move and you get burnt. And sometimes, the first King to hold the combined Crown it can all go up in flames! Thank goodness of England and Scotland – hence the for back-up! United Kingdom! The Jacobite Rebellions were about Kings and rivals to the English

56 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 Glimpses of Seasonal Climate Change

Then I turned to more peaceful A Guide to Developing reflections about changing seasons. Thank Effective Child and Youth goodness for peaceful moments that help us re-charge; take stock. Care Practice with Families

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CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 57 Nils Ling Like Grandfather ...

y grandson came over for a different. He’s a baby!” (Like our kids sleepover last weekend. came down the chute fully grown. MHe’s 16 months old, and this was Preposterous.) (And, umm ... ouch.) his first overnight stay. I believe I can say, “What if he doesn’t like what we make without exaggerating, that my wife put him for supper?” By now I could see my more thought and worry into this single wife was warming up to an epic attack of night than she did when we took a three the frets. She had gone past “concern” week vacation in Europe. Full-scale without blinking; rocketed past “worried” military incursions have gone forward with with nary a hitch in her step and was fast less preparation. closing on “freaked out”. I tried to calm The thing is, this child lives two her. minutes away. He is over at our house “Well,” I explained reasonably, “he’s a several times a week. He has eaten meals kid. Fact is, he probably won’t like what here, had his diaper changed here, gone we make him for supper. Because what down for naps here. It’s not like this was we make him for supper won’t be made entirely unfamiliar territory we’d exactly how he always has it. It will be be exploring. different. Kids don’t like ‘different’. I would say all this to my Sometimes, they don’t even like wife, and she’d shake me ‘same’. Sometimes you give them off dismissively. “Yes. But ‘same’ and they say it’s ‘different’, he’ll be staying here for the even though you scooped it out of whole night! Here! In our the very bowl you put back in the house!” fridge after you fed them the last I was a bit perplexed. time and can scientifically prove that “You do know that this what you are serving them is child actually came out identical, on a molecular level, of a woman who with the meal they happily somehow managed ate the night before. So to survive several whatever we make him, thousand he may well just push it overnight stays away.” with us, right?” “But ... what will we “Yes. But he is do?”

SERGIY NYKONENKO

58 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 “What we did with our kids. Clean up Farmer’s Market and let him wander the mess from supper and go on with the around the stalls. evening.” He stopped at one with small, shiny “But ... but ... he’ll be hungry!” baubles hanging down, right at his eye “Perhaps. We will have to steel our level. He reached for one and closed his souls against that very real possibility.” hand over it. “Do not tease me. I hate being teased.” “No,” said my wife, her face stern. Well, she was right, at least about me “No touching. That’s not for babies.” teasing her. I absolutely was. But I’m not The little guy thought this over for a so sure she hates it. My wife knows she’s second, looked at me, looked at my wife, as prone as anyone else to behaviour that and slowly reached his hand out for flirts with “goofy”, and she can generally another bauble. I swear my wife had just laugh at herself. Besides, if you really hate opened her mouth to say something when being around a tease, you might want to he snatched his hand away and grinned at rethink marrying someone who actually me. lists that as his “Occupation” on Income I laughed. Tax forms. He reached out again ... and just before Despite all her planning and fretting we my wife said something, he snatched his survived supper. I made some pasta, and hand back and this time we both laughed. while the little guy didn’t exactly clean his And to her credit, my wife joined right in. plate, there wasn’t much left for the It was one of my favourite moments so starving children of India. far in that little guy’s life. He has learned Bath time was uneventful, except I had how to tease Grandma. never bathed a boy baby before in my life Now it really gets to be fun. and was quite unprepared for certain things boy babies do. I actually heard myself at one point saying, “Dude. You can let go of it for just a minute. Nobody’s going to take it.” Once he was bathed, diapered, and in his pyjamas, he got his story and my wife put him to bed. She tiptoed out of the room. “What if he wakes up in the middle of This feature: From Nils Ling’s book the night?” she asked. Truths and Half Truths. A “Well, we’ll just do what we did with collection of some of his most our kids. I’ll go get him, while you pretend memorable and hilarious columns. Write to him at RR to be asleep.” #9, 747 Brackley Point Road, As it turned out, he slept through the Charlottetown, PE, C1E 1Z3, night with no problem and was bright and Canada. cheery the next day. We took him to the

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 59 Since 1979, HomeBridge Youth Society has been serving youth between the ages of 12 and 18 years old who are in need of temporary or longer term places to live. HomeBridge provides residential youth care in six facilities in the HRM: Hawthorne House, Johnson House, Jubien House, Sullivan House, Reigh Allen Centre and Cogswell House.

“CYC-Net is an invaluable site for enhancing professional growth and development among youth care practitioners, youth care supervisors and administrators in services like residential care. Here at HomeBridge Youth Society we rely on the discussion threads and the vast library of resources offered within the site to ensure our practice is keeping up on trends and information from around the world.” Ernie Hilton, MSc CYCA Director of Youth Care & Operations, HomeBridge Youth Society

270Pleasant Street, Dartmouth, N.S. B2Y 3S3 • www. homebridgeyouth.ca

60 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 miscellany COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, You still could have written!” EndNotes MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.” MARY’S MOTHER: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school. But, I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.” Trusting you ... I have put GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The All that I am next time I catch you throwing money In your hands across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!” When I go PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care I hope to safely be where you think you have to go, young All that I am man, midnight is past your curfew.” ______

Mothers in History

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now, turn it off and get to bed!” ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?” ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, Mousse, Don't be embarrassed to Something…?” ask for help, Dad.

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 61 Truth for careworkers ... Henry Maier 1918 - 2005 “You see, really and truly, apart from the The defining quality of his teaching, things anyone can pick up (the dressing which his pupils affectionately referred to and the proper way of speaking, and so as “Henry’s wisdom,” was a mix of humor on), the difference between a lady and a and intelligence. To illustrate concepts flower girl is not how she behaves, but during lectures, Maier would come with how she's treated. I shall always be a plastic frogs, rubber giraffes, beanbags and flower girl to Professor Higgins, because his favorite, balloons. “A balloon has he always treats me as a flower girl, and unusual power to engage … even a always will; but I know I can be a lady to reluctant participant,” he wrote in his you, because you always treat me as a paper “Play in the University Classroom.” lady, and always will.” It was these unconventional techniques, as — Lisa Doolittle to Colonel Pickering in well as his highly praised work on Pygmalion (G.B. Shaw) children’s issues, that earned him a UW ___ Distinguished Teaching Award in 1984. —Avani Nadkarni ___

I had my own blog for a while but I decided to go back to pointless, incessant barking. ___ In return for an increase in my allowance, For the first time in many years, an old I can offer you free unlimited in-home man traveled from his rural town to the computer tech support. city to attend a movie. After buying his ___ ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. “Life can be pulled by goals Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came just as surely as it can be to the movies, popcorn was only 15c.” pushed by drives.” “Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a — Viktor E. Frankl grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself today. We have sound now!”

62 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 information

CYC-Online is a web-based e-publication and therefore not available in printed form. However, readers are always welcome to print out pages or chapters as desired.

Editors Thom Garfat (Canada) / [email protected] Brian Gannon (South Africa) / [email protected]

Correspondence The Editors welcome your input, comment, requests, etc. Write to [email protected]

Advertising Only advertising related to the profession, programs, courses, books, conferences etc. will be accepted. Rates and specifications are obtainable from [email protected]

CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144 63 64 CYC-Online February 2011 / Issue 144