BEN JONSON’S DOGSBODY
By James Lewis Huss
A SMITH SCRIPT
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Ben Jonson’s Dogsbody
by James Lewis Huss [email protected] 1204 Rideau Rd. Anderson, SC 29625 +886 900479881
© 2020 James Lewis Huss All Rights Reserved Cast of Characters:
Sir Henry Norris, Groom of Stool
Henry VIII, King of England
Anne Boleyn, Queen of England
Thomas Cromwell, Chancellor
George Boleyn, Lord Rochford
Sir William Brereton, Groom of Chamber
Sir Francis Weston, Groom of Chamber
Mark Smeaton, Musician of Court
Madge Shelton, Lady-in-Waiting
Jane Seymour, Lady-in-Waiting
Mary Fiennes, Lady Norris
Francis I, King of France
Sir William Compton
Executioner
Meretrix 1 ACT I
2 Scene 1 [King Henry’s Privy Chamber]
3 HENRY NORRIS, GROOM OF THE CHAMBER, sits opposite KING HENRY VIII, who sits behind a
4 curtain that covers him up to his chest/shoulders.
5 NORRIS: That king is nobody compared to thee.
6 The denizens in Spain and Germany
7 Rebel against that bastard’s tyranny.
8 But you, King Henry, reign with dignity.
9 The people love you, and the women too!
10 HENRY: ‘Tis true. Compared to me, he’s number two.
11 HENRY farts.
12 NORRIS: King Charles is but a twenty-year-old child,
13 A weak and dick-free dilettante who sits
14 Upon a throne erected by his kith.
15 But he does not a crown deserve, that clown!
16 HENRY: And now he’s bloody Emperor of Rome!
17 NORRIS: It’s not exactly Rome—
18 HENRY: A crock of shit!
19 HENRY farts again.
20 HENRY: This business ‘twixt Kings Charles and Francis has
21 Me constant-pained. (groaning)
22 NORRIS: Don’t strain, Your Majesty.
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23 HENRY: I’ve borne this heavy load too long. I don’t
24 Think I can take the pressure anymore.
25 NORRIS: Just push that rubbish out, Your Highness. It
26 Is deleterious to bear such waste—
27 Expel the dregs of life and free yourself!
28 HENRY strains and groans and farts again.
29 HENRY: A movement in the right direction would
30 Relieve my troubled gut of pang and glut.
31 NORRIS: What matter holds you back? Just let it out!
32 HENRY: I can’t! I need your help.
33 NORRIS: What can I do?
34 I’m but a chamber groom.
35 HENRY: If you can sing
36 Like William Compton, I might feel relieved.
37 NORRIS: But he’s a legend. I could never be—
38 HENRY: It matters not. Sir Compton lately has
39 Befallen to fatigue. And illness too.
40 An absent groom—no matter how adept
41 He is at suiting me—is of no use.
42 NORRIS: I’m at your service, Sire. What kind of tune
43 Do you prefer? A ballad, ode, or lute?
44 HENRY: A lullaby.
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45 NORRIS: My nanny used to sing
46 The quaintest songs to me. Now let me think…
47 NORRIS clears his throat and then sings softly and sweetly.
48 NORRIS: Henry, Henry, king and friend.
49 You can do it in the end.
50 HENRY farts.
51 NORRIS: Now relax a little more,
52 Push that matter from your core.
53 HENRY farts again.
54 NORRIS: Rub your belly just a bit,
55 Soon you’ll smell those lovely shits.
56 HENRY farts. A plopping into water. And another. And another.
57 HENRY: God’s sphincter that was keen! I think I may
58 Have shit my spleen.
59 NORRIS: It’s still inside, Your Grace.
60 HENRY: But soft, there’s more!
61 HENRY farts again. Another series of plopping.
62 NORRIS: There went your spleen for sure.
63 The men laugh and laugh until KING HENRY says:
64 HENRY: Sir William Compton would be envious—
65 My sphincter was relaxed much faster by
66 Your lullaby than ever by his tongue.
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67 NORRIS: I’m flattered, Sire, but I am just a groom.
68 HENRY: ‘Tis true, in title. But, my friend, you’re more
69 Than just a lowly groom, much more than just
70 A dogsbody. Let’s test your expertise
71 At wiping, shall we?
72 NORRIS: Does this mean you’ll let
73 Me clean the royal ass?
74 HENRY: Indeed!
75 NORRIS: Alas!
76 I think I’m just a tad bit underdressed.
77 NORRIS fiddles with his clothing.
78 HENRY: Oh, poppycock. You look quite dashing, lad.
79 NORRIS: Perhaps if I could freshen up a bit—
80 HENRY: Go to! You're fresh enough to wipe my poo.
81 NORRIS: Then I’ll just have a mint or two. And you?
82 NORRIS offers HENRY a mint. HENRY takes it.
83 HENRY: These mints are tasty. (chewing) Would you care to see
84 The royal cloth?
85 NORRIS: Your Majesty! Of course!
86 HENRY hands NORRIS a small towel.
87 NORRIS: The Royal Cloth …
88 NORRIS admires it lovingly.
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89 NORRIS: I never thought that these
90 Unworthy hands would touch these cotton threads,
91 These fibers that began as seedlings deep
92 Inside some shitten farmer’s field and grew
93 Into His Majesty’s most useful friend.
94 Manure fed, you dined on dung until
95 You broke the seal of earth and learned to make
96 Your meals from sun and rain. The harvest came,
97 And you were plucked from stem then trucked to loom
98 By loyal serfs who bound and tied you with
99 Your kith into this woven work of art.
100 NORRIS lovingly caresses it, rubs his face with it, etc.
101 NORRIS: It smells a bit like (sniffing) corn, my lord. We’ve not
102 Had corn since—
103 HENRY: Tuesday morn. Sir Compton cleans
104 It once a week regardless of its need.
105 NORRIS: It still seems fresh to me. Now turn and spread
106 Those cheeks. I have a mission to complete.
107 NORRIS reaches inside the curtain [as though he’s wiping HENRY’S ass with the cloth].
108 NORRIS: Your Highness! This is quite a mess!
109 HENRY: Indeed.
110 I ate a plate of beans today. I have
111 A date with our new chambermaid—the one
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112 With eyes like jade—and you know what they say.
113 NORRIS: That eating beans will make you hard all day?
114 HENRY: It’s not that I can’t get it up. I eat
115 Them just in case.
116 NORRIS: You don’t have to explain.
117 HENRY: I tried the ointment that you gave me.
118 NORRIS: And?
119 HENRY: It didn’t work.
120 NORRIS: God’s ass. I paid a lot
121 Of cash for that. I’ll get my money back.
122 HENRY: It was a thoughtful present. Speaking of
123 Your gifts—your wiping style is pleasant. And
124 Your hands are soft as silk.
125 NORRIS: I moisten them.
126 Just one more little wipe and you’ll be clean
127 As ever! There we go. Now let me rub
128 A bit of perfumed powder on your bits.
129 HENRY: Oh, that smells really nice.
130 NORRIS: It’s pumpkin spice!
131 Let’s get you prim and proper, shall we?
132 HENRY: Let’s!
133 NORRIS: God’s pecker, is that what I think it is?
134 HENRY: My brand new codpiece.
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135 NORRIS: It’s magnificent.
136 And also very big.
137 HENRY: It’s custom made.
138 Caress the silk, you’ll feel the quality.
139 NORRIS: It must have been expensive.
140 HENRY: Yes, it was.
141 But I’m a gentleman of finer tastes,
142 Sophistication, grace—
143 HENRY farts again.
144 NORRIS: Indeed you are.
145 Let’s get you off that seat.
146 HENRY: Come party with
147 The King of France and me.
148 NORRIS: You mean Calais?
149 HENRY: I do.
150 NORRIS: The Field of Cloth of Gold … oh my.
151 HENRY: We’ll dice and drink and party all the night.
152 NORRIS: I’ll have to ask my wife.
153 HENRY: She’ll say it’s fine.
154 NORRIS: I’ll do it!
155 HENRY: That’s my boy! Now help me fix
156 This codpiece—it’s too tight around my dick.
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157 Scene 2 [King Henry’s Privy Tent, Calais]
158 Inside the tent are HENRY NORRIS, KING HENRY, KING FRANCIS, GEORGE BOLEYN, and WILLIAM
159 BRERETON drinking and playing cards upon a table littered with mugs and coins and other
160 valuables. A MERETRIX lies in wait. WILLIAM COMPTON attends, though he is dozing in a chair.
161 NORRIS: King Henry, have you heard the joke about
162 The whore with syphilis?
163 HENRY: No, I have not.
164 NORRIS: I’d tell you, but it makes King Francis sore.
165 The GROOMS laugh uproariously.
166 FRANCIS: Your mother is a whore!
167 BRERETON: I can confirm.
168 NORRIS: I’ll do your mother and your sister, too!
169 BRERETON: A sister I have not. But Georgie here—
170 GEORGE: You leave my sister Annie out of this.
171 BRERETON: Then I’ll just leave this in your sis.
172 BRERETON grabs his crotch.
173 GEORGE: You wish.
174 HENRY: You have a sister, George?
175 FRANCIS: She’s quite the dish.
176 ‘Tis said that Venus was a blonde, but Anne’s
177 Ungolden locks prove that old fable wrong.
178 HENRY: Oh, poppycock. Her brother here’s a troll!
179 GEORGE: My sister got the lion’s share of looks.
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180 BRERETON: And he’s not lyin’.
181 GEORGE: Hey!
182 HENRY: She’s fair. I’m sure.
183 But Venus? Pah! I saw that goddess carved
184 In stone. ‘Twas hard—
185 NORRIS: Your little pillar?
186 HENRY: No,
187 The marble. But I got a boner when
188 I groped those sculpted twins.
189 FRANCIS: Indeed?
190 BRERETON: They frown upon that at the gallery.
191 NORRIS: But he’s the king.
192 GEORGE: He gets away with things.
193 BRERETON: He’s going to get away with Annie soon.
194 GEORGE: Go to! Besides, she has a crush on him.
195 FRANCIS: I cannot help the ladies love their king.
196 HENRY: Ahem. She’s English—I’m her king.
197 FRANCIS: We’ll see.
198 HENRY: Is this a challenge?
199 FRANCIS: Did we not agree
200 To leave our beefs at home?
201 BRERETON: I brought my beef.
202 BRERETON grabs his crotch.
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