BEN JONSON’S DOGSBODY By James Lewis Huss A SMITH SCRIPT This script is protected by copyright laws. No performance of this script – IN ANY MEDIA – may be undertaken without payment of the appropriate fee and obtaining a licence. For further information, please contact SMITH SCRIPTS at [email protected] Ben Jonson’s Dogsbody by James Lewis Huss [email protected] 1204 Rideau Rd. Anderson, SC 29625 +886 900479881 © 2020 James Lewis Huss All Rights Reserved Cast of Characters: Sir Henry Norris, Groom of Stool Henry VIII, King of England Anne Boleyn, Queen of England Thomas Cromwell, Chancellor George Boleyn, Lord Rochford Sir William Brereton, Groom of Chamber Sir Francis Weston, Groom of Chamber Mark Smeaton, Musician of Court Madge Shelton, Lady-in-Waiting Jane Seymour, Lady-in-Waiting Mary Fiennes, Lady Norris Francis I, King of France Sir William Compton Executioner Meretrix 1 ACT I 2 Scene 1 [King Henry’s Privy Chamber] 3 HENRY NORRIS, GROOM OF THE CHAMBER, sits opposite KING HENRY VIII, who sits behind a 4 curtain that covers him up to his chest/shoulders. 5 NORRIS: That king is nobody compared to thee. 6 The denizens in Spain and Germany 7 Rebel against that bastard’s tyranny. 8 But you, King Henry, reign with dignity. 9 The people love you, and the women too! 10 HENRY: ‘Tis true. Compared to me, he’s number two. 11 HENRY farts. 12 NORRIS: King Charles is but a twenty-year-old child, 13 A weak and dick-free dilettante who sits 14 Upon a throne erected by his kith. 15 But he does not a crown deserve, that clown! 16 HENRY: And now he’s bloody Emperor of Rome! 17 NORRIS: It’s not exactly Rome— 18 HENRY: A crock of shit! 19 HENRY farts again. 20 HENRY: This business ‘twixt Kings Charles and Francis has 21 Me constant-pained. (groaning) 22 NORRIS: Don’t strain, Your Majesty. 1 | P a g e 23 HENRY: I’ve borne this heavy load too long. I don’t 24 Think I can take the pressure anymore. 25 NORRIS: Just push that rubbish out, Your Highness. It 26 Is deleterious to bear such waste— 27 Expel the dregs of life and free yourself! 28 HENRY strains and groans and farts again. 29 HENRY: A movement in the right direction would 30 Relieve my troubled gut of pang and glut. 31 NORRIS: What matter holds you back? Just let it out! 32 HENRY: I can’t! I need your help. 33 NORRIS: What can I do? 34 I’m but a chamber groom. 35 HENRY: If you can sing 36 Like William Compton, I might feel relieved. 37 NORRIS: But he’s a legend. I could never be— 38 HENRY: It matters not. Sir Compton lately has 39 Befallen to fatigue. And illness too. 40 An absent groom—no matter how adept 41 He is at suiting me—is of no use. 42 NORRIS: I’m at your service, Sire. What kind of tune 43 Do you prefer? A ballad, ode, or lute? 44 HENRY: A lullaby. 2 | P a g e 45 NORRIS: My nanny used to sing 46 The quaintest songs to me. Now let me think… 47 NORRIS clears his throat and then sings softly and sweetly. 48 NORRIS: Henry, Henry, king and friend. 49 You can do it in the end. 50 HENRY farts. 51 NORRIS: Now relax a little more, 52 Push that matter from your core. 53 HENRY farts again. 54 NORRIS: Rub your belly just a bit, 55 Soon you’ll smell those lovely shits. 56 HENRY farts. A plopping into water. And another. And another. 57 HENRY: God’s sphincter that was keen! I think I may 58 Have shit my spleen. 59 NORRIS: It’s still inside, Your Grace. 60 HENRY: But soft, there’s more! 61 HENRY farts again. Another series of plopping. 62 NORRIS: There went your spleen for sure. 63 The men laugh and laugh until KING HENRY says: 64 HENRY: Sir William Compton would be envious— 65 My sphincter was relaxed much faster by 66 Your lullaby than ever by his tongue. 3 | P a g e 67 NORRIS: I’m flattered, Sire, but I am just a groom. 68 HENRY: ‘Tis true, in title. But, my friend, you’re more 69 Than just a lowly groom, much more than just 70 A dogsbody. Let’s test your expertise 71 At wiping, shall we? 72 NORRIS: Does this mean you’ll let 73 Me clean the royal ass? 74 HENRY: Indeed! 75 NORRIS: Alas! 76 I think I’m just a tad bit underdressed. 77 NORRIS fiddles with his clothing. 78 HENRY: Oh, poppycock. You look quite dashing, lad. 79 NORRIS: Perhaps if I could freshen up a bit— 80 HENRY: Go to! You're fresh enough to wipe my poo. 81 NORRIS: Then I’ll just have a mint or two. And you? 82 NORRIS offers HENRY a mint. HENRY takes it. 83 HENRY: These mints are tasty. (chewing) Would you care to see 84 The royal cloth? 85 NORRIS: Your Majesty! Of course! 86 HENRY hands NORRIS a small towel. 87 NORRIS: The Royal Cloth … 88 NORRIS admires it lovingly. 4 | P a g e 89 NORRIS: I never thought that these 90 Unworthy hands would touch these cotton threads, 91 These fibers that began as seedlings deep 92 Inside some shitten farmer’s field and grew 93 Into His Majesty’s most useful friend. 94 Manure fed, you dined on dung until 95 You broke the seal of earth and learned to make 96 Your meals from sun and rain. The harvest came, 97 And you were plucked from stem then trucked to loom 98 By loyal serfs who bound and tied you with 99 Your kith into this woven work of art. 100 NORRIS lovingly caresses it, rubs his face with it, etc. 101 NORRIS: It smells a bit like (sniffing) corn, my lord. We’ve not 102 Had corn since— 103 HENRY: Tuesday morn. Sir Compton cleans 104 It once a week regardless of its need. 105 NORRIS: It still seems fresh to me. Now turn and spread 106 Those cheeks. I have a mission to complete. 107 NORRIS reaches inside the curtain [as though he’s wiping HENRY’S ass with the cloth]. 108 NORRIS: Your Highness! This is quite a mess! 109 HENRY: Indeed. 110 I ate a plate of beans today. I have 111 A date with our new chambermaid—the one 5 | P a g e 112 With eyes like jade—and you know what they say. 113 NORRIS: That eating beans will make you hard all day? 114 HENRY: It’s not that I can’t get it up. I eat 115 Them just in case. 116 NORRIS: You don’t have to explain. 117 HENRY: I tried the ointment that you gave me. 118 NORRIS: And? 119 HENRY: It didn’t work. 120 NORRIS: God’s ass. I paid a lot 121 Of cash for that. I’ll get my money back. 122 HENRY: It was a thoughtful present. Speaking of 123 Your gifts—your wiping style is pleasant. And 124 Your hands are soft as silk. 125 NORRIS: I moisten them. 126 Just one more little wipe and you’ll be clean 127 As ever! There we go. Now let me rub 128 A bit of perfumed powder on your bits. 129 HENRY: Oh, that smells really nice. 130 NORRIS: It’s pumpkin spice! 131 Let’s get you prim and proper, shall we? 132 HENRY: Let’s! 133 NORRIS: God’s pecker, is that what I think it is? 134 HENRY: My brand new codpiece. 6 | P a g e 135 NORRIS: It’s magnificent. 136 And also very big. 137 HENRY: It’s custom made. 138 Caress the silk, you’ll feel the quality. 139 NORRIS: It must have been expensive. 140 HENRY: Yes, it was. 141 But I’m a gentleman of finer tastes, 142 Sophistication, grace— 143 HENRY farts again. 144 NORRIS: Indeed you are. 145 Let’s get you off that seat. 146 HENRY: Come party with 147 The King of France and me. 148 NORRIS: You mean Calais? 149 HENRY: I do. 150 NORRIS: The Field of Cloth of Gold … oh my. 151 HENRY: We’ll dice and drink and party all the night. 152 NORRIS: I’ll have to ask my wife. 153 HENRY: She’ll say it’s fine. 154 NORRIS: I’ll do it! 155 HENRY: That’s my boy! Now help me fix 156 This codpiece—it’s too tight around my dick. 7 | P a g e 157 Scene 2 [King Henry’s Privy Tent, Calais] 158 Inside the tent are HENRY NORRIS, KING HENRY, KING FRANCIS, GEORGE BOLEYN, and WILLIAM 159 BRERETON drinking and playing cards upon a table littered with mugs and coins and other 160 valuables. A MERETRIX lies in wait. WILLIAM COMPTON attends, though he is dozing in a chair. 161 NORRIS: King Henry, have you heard the joke about 162 The whore with syphilis? 163 HENRY: No, I have not. 164 NORRIS: I’d tell you, but it makes King Francis sore. 165 The GROOMS laugh uproariously. 166 FRANCIS: Your mother is a whore! 167 BRERETON: I can confirm. 168 NORRIS: I’ll do your mother and your sister, too! 169 BRERETON: A sister I have not. But Georgie here— 170 GEORGE: You leave my sister Annie out of this. 171 BRERETON: Then I’ll just leave this in your sis.