Relationship Gaps And Unforeseen Consequences

What most folks don’t get, is that everything with your dog is connected. Every allowance or permissive moment, opens the door for another, seemingly unrelated behavior. They don’t realize that over-indulging your dog with love, freedom, and tons of unearned affection, creates perceptions about you that can lead to other issues. That everything you do or don’t do is giving your dog information about who you are and how he should respond to you. That you’re constantly dropping clues to your dog about what opportunities are available, as well as creating openings for instability.

When your relationship with your dog is lopsided, unbalanced, and based far more on “love” and spoiling than it is rules and structure, you’re going to have problems. (I think we all get that by now.) But the interesting part is that you never know how that information of permissiveness, allowance, and lack of accountability will show itself.

You think the spoiling might lead to begging or barking at you, but instead it leads to resource guarding. You think that allowing the pulling on the walk might lead to barking at other dogs, but instead it leads to growling and snapping at guests in the house. You think allowing jumping, barking, and craziness in the house will just lead to bad manners, but instead it leads to separation anxiety.

While the origins of these serious issues might seem dramatic and improbable, I can assure you we’ve seen them all in action. We’ve seen relationship gaps create what seem to be amazingly disconnected issues. The thing is, you don’t get to choose how your behavior (or lack of) affects your dog’s. You don’t know what’s going to come out the other end of a relationship that’s short on leadership, rules, and accountability, and long on chaos and permissiveness.

Oftentimes it makes clear sense. The behavior you think you’re possibly creating (and are ok with) is what you get. But just as often it’s not. Often the dog’s individual psychological makeup and personality create an outcome you’d think was totally unrelated. But what happens is, your dog’s personal insecurities, temperament, genetics, and attitude become a giant mixer – a mixer that combines with what you add to it. You both add your parts, stir them up with daily life and repetition, and voila, you get some nasty behavior that SEEMS totally unrelated. But it’s not.

We see so many dogs with gigantic laundry lists of issues. From annoying stuff to super dangerous. And the funny thing is, our program almost never changes. But all these dogs, with all these different issues, using the same program, transform. Do we sometimes need specific protocols for specific issues? Of course. But by and large, a simple program of believable leadership, non-negotiable rules, dependable structure, and accountability for poor choices are what make 95% of the changes.

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea Do you know how many resource guarders stop guarding once they experience a few rules totally unrelated to their guarding? Or how many territorial guys stop being territorial once believable leadership is in place? Or how many separation anxiety dogs relax and stop freaking out once they learn that structure, rules, and accountability are prioritized over freedom and affection?

Leadership gaps, rule gaps, structure gaps, accountability gaps – accompanied by permissiveness, affection, and freedom are the perfect recipe to create all manner of dog behavior problems. The thing is, you never know which ones.

Is Your Dog Too Smart For Training?

Relationships are real things. You and your dog have one. It might be healthy, balanced, and awesome, or it might be toxic, disrespectful, and disheartening. Or maybe it’s somewhere in-between. Whatever it is, it’s been built by your interactions. What you’ve allowed. What you haven’t allowed. What you’ve asked for. What you’ve reinforced. Who you’ve been and how you’ve behaved.

Everything you’ve done has been information your dog has used to determine your relationship. All this information has told your dog who you are and what role you wish to play in his life. It’s also informed him about the rules of life. What is and isn’t okay, what is and isn’t expected. It’s created the framework your dog makes all his decisions from.

While trainers can teach your dog commands, manners, and what is and isn’t acceptable behavior, your dog is simply too smart and too emotionally evolved to take that information as universal. Just like you know who means business and who doesn’t in your own life, so does your dog. Eventually, if you don’t keep up the work, if you start to slack, your dog will see the cracks. He’ll realize there’s two sets of rules: the ones he knows, and the ones you actually enforce. And he’ll choose the latter. Not because he’s a bad dog, but because he’s opportunistic…just like you and me.

Like us, when authority and rules are foggy, or not consistently enforced, we tend to take advantage of them. Whether we like to admit it or not, it’s always consequences – or the possibility of them – that tends to keep us on our best behavior. The more predictable and dependable, the better our behavior tends to be. And of course, the less predictable and dependable, the worse our behavior tends to be.

Our dogs are reading us. All the time. What are we enforcing, what are we allowing? They’re taking this information and deciding what needs to be adhered to and what doesn’t, who needs to be listened to and who doesn’t. If you ask for less than what the trainer asked, you’ll get less. If you ask the same, you’ll get the same. It’s in these moments that you create your relationship dynamics.

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea And while us trainers can build the foundation for the new, more healthy patterns and choices to stand on, it’s only you – the person your dog lives with, the person who enforces the rules, structure, and expectations daily – that can make these changes permanent.

We can only give you the tools to start you on the path, we can’t build the relationship. That part, the hard part, is up to you. Your dog is too smart to have it any other way. The 10/10 Principle

What’s the number one question we get from owners? When can we pet him? When can we love on him? When can he be on the couch? When can he have total freedom? Okay, that’s several questions, but you get the idea, right?

When people get dogs they don’t get them thinking they’ll have to temper their affection. They don’t think couch privilege might not be on the menu. They don’t think they’ll have to restrict their dog’s ability to roam the house. But, if things have gone sideways with their dog’s behavior and their relationship with their dog, changing or adjusting these things might just be what’s needed to help sort that behavior and relationship stuff out.

What many owners don’t understand is that these seemingly benign privileges and interactions can create strong feelings and perceptions in our dogs – feelings and perceptions about us, their owners. Feelings of permissiveness, softness, neediness – feeling like we might just be ripe for the taking advantage of. With certain dogs, these interactions and privileges we share can unintentionally convey that listening, respecting, and prioritizing us, isn’t something they need to worry about. And this can cause lots of problems.

You may see horrible behavior on walks, territorial stuff around the house or yard, possessiveness, guarding, neurotic barking, fighting amongst household dogs, fear and nervousness, or even human aggression.

But here’s the thing, these privileges and interactions, on their own, aren’t the sole cause of the problems – actually, they can be almost totally benign. So then what’s the problem? The problems arise when these privileges and interactions occur IN THE ABSENCE of their counterbalance – the training, leadership, rules, authority, and accountability. It’s when the conversation is completely lopsided that things get funky. Owners don’t realize they’re having a one-sided, dysfunctional conversation with their dogs that is leading things astray. They don’t realize they’re giving all the privileges and freedom and love, without asking for anything in return. And when things are given excessively, freely, with no boundaries, and no demands for corresponding good behavior, things can get ugly, fast. Respect goes out the window, and dogs get stressed, anxious, nervous, opportunistic, and freaked out!

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea So trainers, looking to shore things up, even things out, and re-balance the human-to- dog conversation, ask owners to remove or reduce certain privileges and interactions. The goal is to shift the way your dog feels about you and your household back to a more healthy space, and thus, get your dog himself to shift back to a more healthy space. And usually, when things are just beginning, when you’re just starting to work on resetting your dog and your relationship, we want to create as much leverage as possible; to create the strongest perceptions we can. So we go hard on the changes. Perhaps zero affection. Perhaps zero roaming. Perhaps zero furniture access. But that’s only half of the equation. It’s not just about what we remove – it’s also about what we add (that leadership, rules, accountability stuff!) that really makes things click. It’s striking that balance between asking and giving that creates the magic.

But what about those inevitable questions at the top of this post? When can owners loosen up? When can the affection creep back in? When can the dog have more freedom and access? How do owners know how much is too much? Honesty, it depends on the dog, and it depends on you. It depends on how bad things have been, how out of balance you both are, and perhaps most importantly, what you’re capable of sharing in regards to the other side of the conversation. The leadership conversation. And this is where our 10/10 Principle comes in.

Here’s what we share with our owners to help them wrap their heads around the formula for keeping their dogs and relationship in balance, especially as they’re working through problem behaviors, training and relationship transitioning. We use a number system to make it easy and clear. On our scale, if you’re a 2 in the leadership/ rules department, you better be a 2 in affection/freedom department. If you’re a 6 in the leadership/rules department, then you can be a 6 in the affection/freedom department. See how it works? It’s just about balancing the conversation so your dog stays… balanced. Your job is to make sure your numbers line up as best you can. If you’re an 8 in affection and freedom, and a 2 in discipline, you’re gonna have issues!

The truth is, most owners struggle with the discipline side of things. They struggle with the rules, the enforcement, and structure, so keeping an eye on the corresponding freedoms is essential. If you use this scale – honestly! – it can help you better navigate all those tough questions above. It can also help you tweak what’s out of whack and allow for an easy check-in with what’s really going on relationship-wise.

So the answer to all those tough questions is on you. What are you able to change within yourself? What space of leadership are you able to step into? How believable can you be as an authority figure? What leadership, rules, and accountability level can you honestly embody? (And this number can always change and improve if you’re working on it!) It’s a great formula to help owners see super clearly what their responsibility is, and the hard work they have to do in order to have the fun stuff they desire with their dog.

Remember, the numbers don’t lie. Ask yourself seriously what level of discipline, rules, structure, and leadership you’re able to embody, and then adjust you and your dog’s

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea lifestyle accordingly. The more leadership you can embody, the more latitude you get. The less leadership on tap, the less latitude you get. If you’re honest with yourself, you can create a lifestyle that works and keeps everyone happy and balanced.

P.S. My personal dogs are allowed on the bed, on the couch, get loads of freedom, and plenty of affection. I’d say they’re just about in the 9-10 range. But at the same time, if something silly goes down, if there’s a serious transgression or mistake, you better believe that they know that the ole number 10 of discipline isn’t far behind. And it’s that willingness to be the authority figure, to share with my dogs what I know they need from me – to do the hard stuff rather than just the easy stuff – that allows us to maintain a happy, respectful, and fun-filled life together. You know, all that stuff that owners want. Abusing Dogs

While typically we associate the abuse of dogs with denying them food, shelter, or physically harming them, the abuse I see in my work is far more common, insidious, and acceptable.

Why insidious? Because it’s abuse that is shared under the guise of love, caring, or just a lack of knowledge.

So many owners mistakenly associate leadership (creating a framework of rules and expectations), structure (daily habits, routines, patterns), and accountability (consequences for breaking known rules, or making poor choices in general) with being mean, nasty, and harsh. These owners just want to love their dogs – which is code for selfish/lazy behavior.

But here’s the thing, the only mean, nasty, or harsh thing is denying our dogs the framework and foundation they need to thrive and lead healthy, happy lives.

Owners who decide to forgo leadership, structure, and accountability are basically sentencing their dogs to a life of stress, anxiety, worry, over-arousal, uncertainty, pressure, and way too much responsibility.

And the dogs we see that live like this are every bit as abused and unhealthy as the more obvious and accepted forms.

What would you call constant stress when it’s avoidable? Constant anxiety when it’s avoidable? Constant worry when it’s avoidable? Constant over-arousal when it’s avoidable? Constant pressure when it’s avoidable? Constant responsibility when it’s avoidable?

I’d call it abuse.

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea Of course no one is hitting the dog, starving the dog, or leaving the dog out in the snow. These dogs likely have the best food, tons of “love”, and a nice cozy bed(s) to sleep on. And yet, they’re emotional wrecks.

If we allow dogs to be emotional disasters (which looks like chronic barking, possessive behavior, separation anxiety, hyper-reactivity, growling/lunging at triggers, maniacal on-leash behavior, maniacal indoor behavior, aggression etc) when we have the ability to change that and offer them something far better, isn’t that abuse?

If we allow our dogs to suffer when there are methods, approaches, and tools that can change all that, isn’t that abusive? Isn’t allowing suffering the same as causing suffering?

Now, if you’re hard at work with a challenging dog, or you’re working on turning a toxic relationship around, this isn’t aimed at you. You’ve got my full support. But if your dog is a wreck, and you prefer the easy, comfortable, lazy (or worst yet, chosen ignorance) approach to “dealing” with this, then this might be for you.

Abuse comes in many packages, and the package that is most pervasive isn’t the horrible, nasty, or unbelievable – it’s the every day, socially acceptable, loving, spoiling, allowing, permissive stuff that’s doing the most damage.

Remember, love isn’t about doing what’s easiest and most fun/comfortable/emotionally enjoyable for you. It’s about doing what’s best and healthiest for those in your charge – even when it’s hard or uncomfortable. You, Your Dog, And Consequences

What happens after you get a speeding ticket? What happens after your doctor tell you your cholesterol is dangerously high? What happens when your spouse threatens to leave because of your behavior? What happens when your accountant tells you you’ve spent far more than you earned?

Well, if any of the above matter to you, a couple things will happen. One, it’ll create some fear (what might happen if I don’t change this or it happens again?). Two, it should create some serious contemplation (Perhaps this choice/action, even if I’ve enjoyed it in the short term, doesn’t serve me in the long run). Three, it should create some future better choices (if the consequence matters, it should cause you to choose a better, more healthy choice next time).

All of the above are communications about behavior, and their possible consequences. Consequences that are the result of our choices and actions. And they serve a purpose. Their purpose is to remind you that something you’re doing is putting you or your quality of life in danger. And if you look at consequences that way you can view

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea them as gifts – gifts that enable you to reorder, course correct, change behavior that is putting you in harm’s way.

Consequences for your dog should create the same results. Of course the context will be different. They won’t be overspending, eating too many hot fudge sundaes, or racing down the freeway. But they might be bolting out the front door, jumping on people, attacking another dog in the house, barking excessively, counter surfing, guarding their food, pulling like crazy on the walk, or destroying stuff in the house. And all these behaviors impact your dog’s overall quality of life as well as yours.

Dogs get hit by cars every day for bolting, and dogs are returned to shelters every day for jumping, barking, guarding, destruction etc. Dogs also die every day from obstructions from eating things they shouldn’t. This is real stuff.

But in our current dog owning culture, consequences are things that are deeply frowned upon. They’re things that many purport to be dangerous to your dog’s mental and emotional well being, as well as detrimental to your relationship. Best to ignore the bad and reinforce the good, right? But what if life treated us the same way? What if the policeman ignored your speeding but offered you a “Nice job!” when he saw you driving appropriately? What if your doctor ignored your cholesterol count but said “Good work, you lost two pounds.”? What if your spouse ignored your inability to manage your anger and stress, but said “You were lovely tonight” when you didn’t explode for a change? What if your accountant ignored your spending issues but said “Nice work on only spending 5k over your budget rather than the usual 10k”?

What would happen is that, instead of receiving the gravity of the communication of what your actions are creating (and the danger they’re putting you in), you’d be allowed to believe things aren’t as dire or serious as they actually are. And that absence of clearly conveyed consequence for unhealthy behavior would put you directly in harm’s way. By not being direct about what is okay and what isn’t. By ignoring the truth of our actions. By prioritizing things feeling “good” rather than true, we’d be setup for impending disaster.

And so it is with our dogs. We don’t clearly let them know what is isn’t okay. We ignore the bad and reward the good. We give our dogs a partial view of the reality, and then they pay the price for that lack of clarity and truth. People recommending you ignore the bad and reward the good are people who aren’t connecting reality – universal reality. The reality of the beauty of consequences. The beauty of knowing clearly what is acceptable, heathy, wanted, and what is not allowed, dangerous, and totally unacceptable.

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea Permission-Based Training: How And Why It Works

One of our primary goals when training and rehabbing dogs is to shift them out of auto- pilot, reactionary, impulsive mode, and get them into a listening, processing, thinking mode. What does this auto-pilot/reactionary/impulsive behavior mode look like? It’s the mode where the dog sees, hears, smells something and instantly reacts to it. No evaluating involved. It’s where the dog wants to do something, or to access something, and simply does it, with zero concern for the outcome.

It’s an impulse control issue. Feel = do! No thinking, no evaluating, no value given to the choice, just an instant desire and an instant response. And it’s here that so many dogs get into trouble. Allowed to practice this “auto-pilot” way of life, it becomes their default. I want something I take it. I dislike something I growl. I want to run somewhere, I go. I see a dog on the walk I go bananas. I’m afraid of something I hide. And on and on.

This is where permission based training comes in to save the day. Permission based training isn’t anything fancy, but it is highly effective. Basically, we start teaching the dog that he needs to look to us before making decisions – not every decision mind you, just the ones that matter. The important decisions. The decisions that have serious ramifications, serious gusto behind them, or are reinforcing patterns of impulsive behavior.

This new way of living/behaving creates many positive changes. First and foremost, it calms the dog down. Dogs living on the edge of constant action or reaction (think of a runner at the starting line – always ready to explode) are typically super tightly wound, nervous, and edgy. Along with the calmness, it also creates handler respect, which is paramount to a healthy relationship. (A dog who looks to his owner for permission is usually a dog in a good headspace.) And of course, it teaches tons of impulse control, and gets the dog to think before acting – creating a safer, more conscious dog. All major pieces of the training/rehab/healthy dog puzzle.

Once a dog begins to look to you for permission, rather than just reacting to impulse, you’ll see much of the manic, hyped-up, tuned-out, crazy, disrespectful, and disobedient behavior disappear.

Here’s a few examples of where we work on this and where permission is needed:

-Crate (going in or out)

-Thresholds (going in or out)

-Place command (not leaving unless given permission)

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea -Eating (waiting for release)

-Peeing/sniffing on walks (waiting for release)

-Walking in a structured “heel” fashion (unless released)

-Any command that the dog has been asked to be in (must wait for release)

-Furniture (wait for permission)

-Personal space (must wait for permission to access)

-Getting in our out of the car (wait for permission)

-A bomb-proof recall (must always come back on command, wait for permission to roam – or not, perhaps the greatest impulse control/relationship builder)

-And any other contexts where you see a lot of excitement/pushiness/determination etc.

Teaching your dog to look to you, to ask you for permission before simply reacting is the true secret sauce to transforming both behavior and attitude. It creates a more relaxed, respectful, thinking dog. And who doesn’t want that? How To Mess Up A Dog!

So much of what we see with problem dogs and their behavior, is that people have unintentionally reinforced and encouraged the wrong stuff. And of course, none of us want to intentionally mess up our dogs (even though many of us – including your’s truly have). So here’s a little list of reminders that we’ll call the “don’t do”, or “watch out for” list. Keeping these in mind, and doing your very best to avoid these common dog/ owner traps will go a long way towards you having a great relationship, and enjoyable life with your dog.

-Trying to love a badly behaved dog better. (Guaranteed to make a bad dog worse)

-Coddling, nurturing, babying an insecure, nervous dog. (The very best way to deepen insecurity, and to ensure a neurotic mess of a dog)

-Allowing a dog to have constant access to you and your personal space – following you everywhere, jumping in your lap uninvited, always needing to be near. (The perfect recipe for separation anxiety and possessiveness)

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea -Constantly petting a dog. (The very best way to create a dependent, nervous, entitled, bratty, separation anxiety dog)

-Ignoring bad behavior – jumping, whining, barking, fence fighting, growling etc. – in the hopes it will go away. (It never does, it only gets worse)

-Using your dog to fill emotional gaps in your life. (The most common reason for neurotic, unstable dog behavior)

-Not enforcing rules because they feel bad. (A selfish act that ensures your dog will not have access to the rules and leadership it needs to thrive and be balanced)

-Letting dogs be “dogs” – thinking/rationalizing that growling, protective behavior, resource guarding, reactivity etc. is normal/acceptable. (This excuses unacceptable/ unhealthy behavior by calling it “normal” and allows it to continue/increase)

-Being inconsistent. (Teaches dogs rules and boundaries are always negotiable, and ensures they will be negotiated)

-Accidentally rewarding whining/barking/growling by petting/talking to/letting in or out of a door/crate. (Teaches dogs that those behaviors get them what they want, and ensures you’ll see a whole lot more of them)

-Spoiling/allowing bad behavior due to guilt. (Feeling guilty about working long hours/ being away from home for long periods and trying to assuage that guilt by spoiling the dog/being permissive/allowing bad behavior to occur to make ourselves feel better. Unfortunately it only makes your dog feel/behave worse)

-Letting stressed, pulling, anxious, worked up dogs meet on-leash. (This is a common scene that can create dog reactivity and even dog fights)

-Letting dogs pull to trees or bushes on walks. (Teaches dogs that pushiness gets them what they want)

-Touching, talking to, “enjoying” a dog who jumps on you. (Reinforces jumping and guarantees more jumping)

-Letting dogs “work it out” on their own (Old school approach to “ ocializing” dogs that is a great way for creating dog fights and never ending tension/grudges between dogs that live together)

-Giving treats or petting a growling/barking/anxious/stressed dog to calm and soothe them. (A very common mistake that does the exact opposite of making it better. It always makes the behavior worse, by reinforcing it)

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea -Sharing only your soft, sweet, loving, affectionate side. (This is akin to only saying yes and cuddling your child, and never saying no or enforcing rules. It leaves dogs feeling alone and unsure about who’s in charge, nervous, anxious, stressed, and out of control – just like it would kids)

-Using tools that allow dogs to ignore you and the tool. (The wrong tools – harnesses, flat collars, flex leases etc – can actually empower the dog to misbehave and disempower you from communicating with your dog)

-Using tools that allow/encourage the dog to behave worse. (See above!)

-Seeing freedom, love, and affection as more vital to your dog’s well-being than structure, rules, guidance. (This is a common mistake, born out of either our desire to nurture, our desire to fulfill ourselves, or not understanding that dogs need guidance and leadership at least as much as they do “love”. It’s also the best way to truly mess up a dog)

-Thinking exercise and activity create calm, relaxed dogs on their own. (This is a huge misconception. exercising a dog to try to make it calm is futile and limited benefit endeavor. The best approach is both exercise AND teaching the dog to be conditioned to be calm through training)

-Wanting to be your dog’s best friend before having become his leader. (Trying to create a heathy relationship through love, play, and friendship without first creating respect, rules, and boundaries is a first-class ticket to problem dog city! First impressions are as important to dogs as they are to people, and trying to fix negative first impressions is just as formidable)

-Thinking dogs just want to please you. (Like all the rest of us, dogs want to please themselves first and foremost. If you’ll look hard enough you’ll see the benefit for them in whatever they’re doing to please you. Understanding this is essential to living well with dogs)

-Not sharing valuable consequences for bad behavior. (The most common way owners allow negative behaviors to continue and flourish! It is only through clear, valuable consequences for their choices and actions that dog behavior changes and improves)

-Being afraid that consequences and discipline will ruin your relationship. (A common misconception. The truth is, the exact opposite; you’ll create a much healthier, respectful, balanced, and enjoyable relationship by sharing clear boundaries and rules consistently. Your dog will be happier and enjoy you far more if you’ll be a good leader)

-Letting love blind you to your dog’s actual needs. (So many of us are so desperate to connect and love and nurture that we’ll forgo sharing what actually makes our dogs happy, balanced, and comfortable. This is a selfish act, based on our needs, not our dogs.)

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea -Letting your needs blind you to your dog’s actual needs. (So many of us struggle to connect, feel safe, engage in love within the human world, or are just overwhelmed, overworked and lean on our dogs for love, support, nurturing, in a world where we aren’t able to receive the same support and nurturing from our own kind. When our dogs represent so much more than just being our dogs, it can become next to impossible to share the leadership, discipline, structure, rules, and accountability they need to thrive)

Of course there’s always more, but this is a pretty good place to start to get a better handle on you and your dog’s relationship. And if you’re having any issues, chances are awfully good that you’ll find the cause right here in this post. When Love Hurts (The Fallout of Spoiling)

So many folks have great intentions. They want to love, nurture, and enjoy their dogs, but somewhere along the line they get off track. They may not even realize that they’re using their dog in place of a child, or an outlet for the love they’re aren’t comfortable sharing with people, or they simply go on “love auto-pilot” because it feels good.

And with some dogs you can get away with this with little fallout. But with the wrong dogs – those that are already prone to insecurity, anxiety, and difficulties dealing with stress, or extremely pushy and entitled dogs – you can hit the wall. Hard.

For these dogs, when given too much affection, love, and freedom, with not enough rules, structure, and guidance, they crash. They become highly anxious (separation anxiety is common), are unable to comfortably deal with stress or pressure (you’ll see lots of reactivity in the house and on walks – barking and reacting to everything), you can get overprotective behaviors (growling at guests and others), you can get resource guarding (of people, space, food, or toys), and you might even get serious aggression in the form of biting (could be your typical fear biting where they pounce when you turn around, or more overt and proactive).

This happens, because many dogs are already prone to elevated stress and anxiety levels. Once you remove the comfort of a believable authority figure and dependable structure and rules, the stress and anxiety levels go through the roof. These already vulnerable dogs now have the perfect ingredients and environment for serious trouble. And behavioral issues are almost always guaranteed.

These dogs now become highly insecure, highly stressed, highly anxious, bratty, unsure, nervous, pushy, you name it.

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea Why? Because we all (dogs and people) depend on dependable guidance. Dependable rules. Dependable accountability. Dependable structure to lean on. But who needs it most? Those that come with already compromised experiences, those without great genetics to lean on, those that are already vulnerable.

This is how our good intentions can lead us and our dogs into unfortunate places. Mistakenly believing these guys simply need our softness – or because we simply enjoy sharing softness and what it fulfills in us, and/or that discipline is much harder work – we leave them feeling the opposite of what we want: Alone, scared, worried, dependent, unsure, insecure etc.

Because we won’t do the hard and sometimes uncomfortable work of sharing with them what’s expected of them, and how to cope and behave – because we won’t guide them and show them – they will do their best to figure it out in their own. And let me assure you, for already stressed, anxious, nervous dogs, figuring it out on their own is the worst sentence you can give them.

This is how we create doggy train wrecks.

Instead, if we’ll walk the path of balance, doing the hard work of sharing disciple, structure, and rules – and if we’ll truly lead them as much as we love them – we can create dogs that excel instead of struggle. Dogs that consistently improve instead of slowly falling apart.

Hopefully this helps explain how our good intentions of helping often turn into hurting. How by way of “love” we often sentence dogs to struggle and suffer. The Drug That Is You

When you lavish your dog with constant attention, praise, and affection, and you not only allow your dog to be constantly near you, but you reward and reinforce it, you’re very likely creating separation anxiety issues.

Our dogs can often become like drug addicts. They get used to an intensity and consistency of emotional interaction and physical closeness, and then when you’re not present they go through withdrawals of physical and emotions pain and discomfort.

Our dogs don’t know what’s being created, they just react to what feels good in the moment. In the same way they will eat ten pounds of food and need a vet visit, they will also take on all of the petting, the holding, the treating, the needing, the following, the longing and loving glances from you – simply because it feels good in the moment – and they will put themselves in harm’s way simply because they don’t know any better.

Because our dogs are unable to understand the gravity of what’s happening, the responsibility for striking that balance and creating a healthy environment and

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea relationship falls on you. Your job is to do what’s right for your dog, even if that sometimes means denying yourself what feels good for you in the moment.

Just as you advocate and ensure that your dog doesn’t run into the street, doesn’t play with dogs that are dangerous or unbalanced, doesn’t eat toxic plants or food, doesn’t become dehydrated from lack of water, and doesn’t sit in a car that is too hot and dangerous on a sunny day, you also need to ensure and advocate for him that he doesn’t become emotionally and physically unhealthy due to too much love, too much affection, and too much of you.

What feels good and rewarding to you just might be hurting your dog.

When The Tools Don’t Work

While I’m a big proponent of using and leveraging the very best tools available for you and your dog to be successful, the reality is that the greatest tools in the world mean nothing if your head, heart, and energy aren’t in the right place.

The greatest tool you have at your disposal is always yourself. Your mind and your intention. If your emotions and outlook regarding your dog (and yourself) are out of balance, you will both likely struggle, regardless of what tools you use.

If you have an out of balance dog and you’re: still babying and spoiling because it feels good/fulfills your need to nurture, feeling guilty for working long hours so you only share freedom and affection when you get home, shunning structure, training and discipline because it feels yucky or un-enjoyable, being too soft with a firm dog because that’s simply who you are, substituting dog relationships and connection for human relationships and connection, or using your dog to fill unattended to emotional voids and needs, you and your dog will likely still struggle.

The way you feel about yourself and the world, and the way you think about your dog and his training and lifestyle is what fuels the tools and your training strategy to either be powerful and transformative, or to be superficial, unconvincing, and powerless.

Whether you’re aware of it or not, your human animal is having a constant, 24/7 conversation with your canine animal about who you are and what role you wish to play in his life. You cannot tell your dog 23 hours of the day that he’s your little cuddle bug and that you’re his doting mommy or daddy and then on your walks where he misbehaves and acts likes a monster try to tell him you are the big pack leader. That ones not going to work. We have to give our dogs more credit than that.

Every moment is valuable. You build credit towards good behavior by creating believable leadership long before you’re going to need it when the chips are down. If you want to turn behavior issues around and get your dog into an awesome space

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea state of mind wise, you have to cultivate a believable energy, and a believable presence your dog is able to buy into and follow as an ongoing lifestyle – not just in the moments you need it or that are convenient.

These awesome creatures have a special knack for highlighting and exposing our personal gaps, camouflaged shortcomings, and internal struggles. How awesome is that? You live with your very own personal therapist. That’s the awesome challenge and opportunity of dogs: you can’t fool them with tools or a momentary decision of commitment or fortitude, no, they’re looking and waiting for the real stuff. Your best stuff. If you want them to change they’re ready for it – just as soon as you are ready to change yourself.

So remember, the tools are important, no doubt, but it’s your presence, your intention, your emotional balance, your energy, your decision to treat and view your dog like a dog, your force of will and desire and determination, and the constant conversation that your human animal is having with your canine animal that fuels and empowers the tools and the training strategy to actually create the possibility for transformation and change. The Secret To Transformation…

Truth be told, we almost never specifically address issues head on. What we do is what we always do – we work our foundational program. We teach the dog how to be calm, we teach the dog how to be respectful, we teach the dog that we’ll be handling the big stuff from now on, we teach the dog that he doesn’t have a million options, we teach the dog that every sound or sight isn’t necessarily cause for a meltdown, we teach the dog who has been moving his entire life how to finally sit still, and we teach the dog that we will advocate for him.

Once we create the above, the dog’s state of mind is so dramatically changed; he is so much calmer, so much less stressed, so much less anxious, so used to practicing impulse control, and so used to deferring to people that the laundry list of issues he came with have almost always disappeared.

Learning this and learning how to consistently create this transformation was probably my biggest personal breakthrough as a trainer. When I started out I used to try to address each problem head on – I was attacking the symptoms rather than the problem – and it was hard on me, hard on the dog, hard on the owner, and far less successful. Once I had the realization of how true transformation was created – by removing foundational stress and anxiety – everything changed.

So if you’re looking to change challenging behavior issues, remember that these issues are only the symptoms of a bigger, deeper problem, not the problem itself. When you learn to see how the foundational state of mind creates everything else, you finally have the magic key to unlocking and resolving all of your dog’s issues.

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea Good Work If Your Dog Can Get It

Remember folks, dogs always do what ‘works’ for them. If pulling on the leash works to get you to walk faster or gets them to a desired tree, they will do it. If barking from the crate works to get the crate door opened and them out, they will do it. If acting the fool when you pull the leash out works to get the leash put on, they will do it. If barking and lunging at other dogs on the walk works to make the other dog go away (the dog’s perception) or is just a bunch of fun, they will do it. If jumping up on you works to get attention (even negative attention) they will do it. If pulling you out the front door works to get the walk started, they will do it. If barking at the back door works to get them inside, they will do it. If whining works to get them petted or soothed, they will do it. If chewing/mouthing on your pant leg or your hands works to get you to engage with your dog (what he’s looking for), they will do it. If staring or growling at you works to cause you to move away from your dog’s food bowl, crate, toy, bed etc, he will do it.

And they will do all of these things more and more intensely, and more frequently, the more it works for them.

When we respond to our dog’s negative behavior in a way that ultimately gives the dog what he wants, we have trained our dog (and he has trained us) to create the reality he desires…which might not be the reality you desire.

Our job, as our dog’s leader and guide is to be sure that we only encourage the behaviors we like – what ‘works’ for us and our lifestyle – and discourage that which doesn’t ‘work’ for us.

The best way to achieve this is to ignore very mild behavior totally and completely, correct more intense behavior you don’t like immediately, and to actively train your dog that patience, waiting, calmness, respect, and courteousness gets them everything. It’s what ‘works’!

Dogs, while being some of the most awesome creatures around, are also awesome opportunists! Left to their own devices, they will create a world for themselves (and for you) that is exactly to their liking. It’s up to you to pick which reality ‘works’ for you, yours or your dog’s.

(If your dog’s behavior is dangerous or frightening, or if you are unsure about how to proceed, please do not attempt to correct or train him on your own. You should seek the help of a trained professional who, if qualified should be able to help you sort these issues out.)

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea There’s A Riot Going On….In Your Living Room!

One of the biggest challenges I experience in working with clients who are having issues with their dogs is helping them to understand why rules, structure, and leadership are absolutely essential to creating a well-behaved and balanced dog.

Most owners have a very strong opinion on what fulfillment to a dog looks like, and it usually entails loads of affection, loads of freedom, and a suspiciously small amount of rules, structure, and leadership. Inevitably I start sharing analogies in the hope of connecting the dots of what I believe to be fulfilling to dogs in a way that will resonate with their human experience. Anyone who has worked with me has probably heard me use the “policeman driving behind you” analogy, as well as many others.

The other day, while walking the pack, this one popped into my head…I think it’s a good one!

Let’s use the LA riot as an example of what can occur when humans are suddenly faced with a massive leadership/authority void:

As the beginnings of the riot got under way, it wasn’t long before authority (the police presence) almost completely disappeared. As soon as people realized there was no longer a police/authority presence (read: a threat of significant consequences for poor choices), lots of interesting things occurred:

Some people, who realized no one was there to protect them, and that they were highly vulnerable, became highly stressed, nervous, and fearful (many small business owners, for example). These people very quickly became proactive – using guns and firing on anyone that they perceived to be a threat. When one feels vulnerable, and no one is there to protect and advocate for you, the incredible stress and fear will cause you to make decisions you absolutely would not make in a different situation. And the interesting thing is, just prior to the riot, most of these people who lived in close proximity to each other co-existed mostly peacefully. But now, suddenly, with the disappearance of authority, both were attempting, and succeeding at killing each other.

Some other people, once they noticed that the authority presence was gone, decided that all of this chaos was a fantastic opportunity to engage in some uber-exhilarating, adrenaline-spiking fun…like robbing, looting, attacking/beating innocent folks etc. For some folks, when authority is on hiatus, fighting and engaging in violent, unlawful behavior is a fantastic, but obviously toxic release for their frustrations.

Other people simply acted out in obnoxious, petty ways, thumbing their noses at what used to be the rules – not necessarily doing major harm, but definitely getting into some general knuckle-headedness. Why? Because the lack of structure and authority

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea creates both excitement as well as stress…and physically acting out is a nice release and reset for this stress and excitement. It’s a way to balance back out.

The upshot here is that many, many people, influenced by stress, panic, fear, adrenaline, or exhilaration, due the obvious authority vacuum, began to make very different decisions than they would normally have, had an authority presence been, well, present. We like to pretend that we human beings are quite a civilized and sophisticated bunch, but the truth of the matter is, when authority, structure, and rules disappear, the politeness of human society takes a pretty immediate vacation.

Ok, so how exactly does the LA riot tie into the behavior of our furry K9 friends? It ties in in an unbelievably strong parallel:

When dogs perceive a leadership vacuum, here’s what we see – nervous, fearful dogs, who have no leader to advocate for them/protect them, and are keenly aware of the chaotic, unpredictable environment they live in, become highly stressed, anxious and fearful, and eventually will start to do just what their human counterparts above began to do – become proactive in their attempts to keep themselves safe. They begin to make poor choices, and start to view every dog as a potential threat, regardless of the other dog’s intentions. Many will simply attack first and ask questions later.

Other dogs, once they feel the void, will start to bully and attack anything that moves. Why? For some it’s because it’s fun and exhilarating. It offers a major adrenaline dump, and is a great release for their frustrations – and as I mentioned above, a nice reset for the stress of chaos. For others, bullying is the best way to cope with and camouflage their own insecurities, anxieties, and fear. Either way, when there isn’t an authority figure sharing limits, or consequences for poor choices, reactive behavior, whatever it’s origins, simply happens.

And then you have your basic knucklehead dogs – they sense the leadership void, and they’re not necessarily fearful or serious bullies, but once again the stress of no rules and guidance will cause them to become hyper, pushy, destructive, jumpy, and well, a giant pain in the butt…thumbing their noses at your lack of authority, in an attempt to balance out and reset.

With me so far? Ok, so here’s the real kicker: as soon as authority (the police presence/ National Guard) was restored to the Los Angeles area, the majority of issues, conflicts, and poor behavior simply disappeared. I mean, quick like. Yeah, there was some residual bad feelings and isolated issues, but once again, with the presence of authority and consequences for poor behavior/choices present, things went from absolute chaos, danger, and mayhem, to relative peace, quiet, and harmony – and if it wasn’t always harmony, it was at least a begrudging tolerance. And guess what, it’s the exact same thing with our dogs.

When I walk into a home where there is absolutely no authority, and chaos reigns supreme, and the dog is engaging in any number of serious behaviors (from attacking

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea other dogs, to attacking people, to nervous/insecure behavior), I know that once I create a relationship of leadership, authority and respect, structure and rules, the dog is going to immediately change his behavior – he will start to relax, become more comfortable, and make better choices, simply due to the presence of a believable authority figure. Remember, leadership creates comfort! When leadership, guidance, structure and rules are present, along with consequences for poor choices, behavior changes…almost instantly!

Remember, both K9’s and humans become massively stressed, fearful, unpredictable, and even dangerous when leadership, rules and authority are on holiday – and that both species will behave in ways we never would when our basic needs for security aren’t provided for.

As Cesar Millan says: “Your job as pack leader is to protect and direct” I think that sums it up pretty efficiently.

In reality, this stuff isn’t rocket science, and is fairly easy to implement. If you’re not sure how to go about it, that’s probably why you contacted us! And please, don’t let a riot go down in your living room…be your dog’s authority figure!

Babying your teenager

Babying a baby is exactly what you should be doing. Babies shouldn't have rules, accountability, any of that stuff. It's baby time! But babying a teenager is a very different story. Imagine what you might get if you treated them the same way you treated a baby.

With all that allowing, enabling, and coddling, you'd likely get a bratty, spoiled, entitled teen - when everything is given to you, you quickly begin to expect and demand it. But wait, there's more! :) That's the obvious stuff. You'd also get an insecure, unsure, dependent, and nervous teen. Why? Because they've never had to learn to do life on their own. They've never had to develop the skills and prove to themselves they can handle stuff - the proving that creates confidence and self-certainty/trust. You'd have a teen that would resent you for disabling them, for not prioritizing their real needs, for not giving them the tools they need to survive and thrive. Their insecurity, uncertainty, and nervousness would ripple out all over.

And so it is with our dogs. It's not the caring and loving them that creates problems, it's how that caring and loving is shared.

Baby your dog and watch the bratty and entitled stuff come flying out. Baby your dog and watch the insecurity and nervousness snowball. Baby your dog and watch them actually resent you, disrespect you.

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea When you don't provide the appropriate care and love for your child or your dog, the fallout can be extreme, and ugly. We need to remember that care and love aren't about what makes us feel good, they're about what helps those in our care to thrive, succeed, and live happily.

The Fearful Tyrant!

One of the things that I think trips a lot of owners up is the fact that fearful dogs can also have, or develop, other, seemingly incompatible behavior tendencies. The fact that they can be fearful AND nasty little tyrants seems to make no sense. But we see it all the time.

Due to their stories and/or behavior, many owners treat fearful/insecure/nervous dogs differently than they might a dog without a bad history, or one without initial fearful, insecure behavior.

These dogs get far more spoiling, freedom, allowances/excuses made for poor behavior, coddling, soft nurturing energy, zero accountability, excessive affection, and just about anything else they want. All in an effort to heal these dogs.

But if we step back, we all know that spoiling and the absence of accountability is the exact recipe for unstable tyrant building, regardless of what the dog's story or behavior is.

But wait, don't these guys need this love and affection and special exceptions made for them so they can heal? Ummm, no. That's exactly how you create the dogs that get to come stay with us for multiple weeks for being a mess. :)

Even though it seems counterintuitive, this soft stuff from you is precisely what these guys don't benefit from. Not that you can't care, love, and nurture them - you can, and you should - but the best way to care, love, and nurture them is by creating a safe, dependable world, where they know someone is in control, and someone is able to make the big decisions. When they sense that, they feel safe. When they sense strength, they feel safe. When they sense rules, structure, accountability, they feel safe. When they sense only softness, freedom, and doting, they feel unsafe. They feel as if they, these incredibly fearful, unsure little beings, are the most powerful entities in their world. And when you're scared and unsure, and you feel like you're the one in charge, I can't imagine a more stressful, freakout-worthy situation.

So on top of all the stress and anxiety that comes from being scared and in charge, you also create an atmosphere of permissiveness. Which creates choices that best serve the dog - not in the macro, healthy, sense, but in the micro, whatever the dog feels it wants/needs in that moment. You know, the bratty, entitled, possessive, running away while barking at you, grumpy, bitey, growly, snotty, sense.

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea The number one reason dogs show up here is because of spoiling, doting, permissiveness, along with the absence of rules, structure, and accountability. That's it. That's the magic combo. If you share that combo with a pushy dog you get bad stuff. If you share it with happy-go-lucky dog you get bad stuff. And if you share it with a fearful, insecure, nervous dog, you get the worst stuff.

The unfortunate part is this: the guys and gals who need our strength the most are usually the ones who get the least of it. Mainly because we think we can fix fear, insecurity, nervousness with affection and love. And while love and affection can be helpful to reinforce what you want, they've never on their own created anything but dogs that are a mess. If you'll package your love and affection in strength, rules, and accountability, and then, when the dog shares truly healthy behavior share actual affection as a reward, you'll be onto something big!

Used with permission of a rehabilitation mentor By Sean O’shea