Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 1
Running head: LESBIAN & HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS
A PHENOMONOLOGICAL STUDY OF THE LIVED EXPERIENCE OF WOMEN IN
LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS WHO WERE PREVIOUSLY MARRIED TO MEN
University of Calgary/Athabasca University/ University of Lethbridge
Stacey Boon
A thesis submitted to the Faculty of the Campus Alberta Graduate Program in Applied Psychology in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of
Master of Counselling
In
Counselling Psychology
Calgary, AB
February 2006 Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 2
Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 3
Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 4
Copyright © 2006 by Stacey Boon. All rights reserved. No part of this thesis may be copied or reproduced in any form or by any means without written permission of Stacey L. Boon. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 5
Abstract
This research paper presents themes from a descriptive exploratory study conducted with ten women who are in lesbian relationships, but who were married to men at some point in the past. The purpose of the study was to identify similarities and differences between lesbian and heterosexual relationships from the perspective of women who have experience in both relationship types. A qualitative analysis was performed. The results include similarities between relationship types, challenges of heterosexual and lesbian relationships, and differences between the relationship types. Benefits of each type of relationship, lesbian identity management, and external and individual factors are also represented in the findings.
Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 6
Table of Contents
Chapter
I. INTRODUCTION ……………………………………………………………………… 8
Rationale………………….……………………………………………………………….9 Definition of Terms……………….………………………………………………….….13 Bracketing of the Phenomenon……..……………………………………………………15
II. REVIEW OF THE RELATED LITERATURE…….…………………………………...17
III. METHODOLOGY….……….……………………………………………………….….36
Introduction………………………………………………………………………………36 Data Collection Methods……………………………………………………………..….37 Human Rights Protection………………………………………………….……………..37 Interview Schedule………………………………………………………………………38 Data Analysis-Synthesis…………………………………………………………………39 Potential Implications……………………………………………………………………39 Summary…………………………………………………………………………………41
IV. RESULTS……………………..…………………………………………………………42
Similarities Between Couple Types……………………………………………………...42 Differences Between Couple Types……………………………………………………..46 Challenges in Heterosexual Relationships……………………………………………….62 Challenges in Heterosexual Relationships……………………………………………….68 Relationship Satisfaction Across Couple Types…………………………………………77 Benefits of Heterosexual and Lesbian Relationships……………………………………80 Lesbian Identity Management………...…………………………………………………88 External and Individual…………………………………………………………………..92 Summary…………………………………………………………………………………95
V. DISCUSSION………………..…………………………………………………………96
Definition of Terms ……………...……………………………………………………...96 Theoretical Implications ………………...……………………………………………..108 Implications for Practice ……………………………………………………………….109 Further Study and Future Research ……………………………………………………111 Contributions of this study …………………………………………………………….113 Summary and Conclusions ..………………………...…………………………………114
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References………………………………………….…………………………………………...115
Appendices.……………………………………………………………………………………..123
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Chapter I.
Introduction
Both the emergence of same-sex marriage in Canada and the increased visibility of gay and lesbian relationships are bringing wider attention to this population (Diamond, 2005; Lahey
& Alderson, 2004). Likewise, the emphasis on social justice and cultural competence in the counselling field are contributing to a demand for more ethical and sound research and practice with populations whose needs may not have been effectively addressed by the counselling, health, and psychology professions in the past (DeVito, 1999).
To date, there has been a scarcity of information on lesbian relationships, and a lack of reference to gay or lesbian relationships in literature with regard to couples and families (Beals &
Peplau, 2005; Clarke et al., 2005; Diamond, 2005; Goldfried, 2001; Harkless & Fowers, 2005;
Pachankis & Goldfried, 2004; Todosijevic, Solomon, & Rothblum, 2005). Perhaps it is not surprising that the literature is dominated by a focus on heterosexual relationships, as heterosexual relationships have traditionally composed the majority of marital and family interactions. Much of the past research on lesbian relationship issues has supported pathologizing and negative theories about lesbian women and lesbian pairings (Annesley & Coyle, 1995;
Barrett & McWhirter, 2002; Rivett, 2001). The prevalence of concepts such as lesbian bed death and fusion in lesbian relationships, which will be defined later in this section, have dominated the discourse thus far, and these concepts have even crept into the cultural lingo of lesbian communities. As some authors have pointed out, such concepts may have arisen from a heterocentric position as to what constitutes a healthy couple relationship (Iasenza, 2000;
Rothblum, 1994). As Nichols (2004) points out, lesbians were first pathologized for having sex, and then for not having it. The strengths, benefits, and unique attributes of lesbian women and Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 9 their pair bonds are only beginning to be explored. The lack of research and the significant ratio of unsound research of this population have created a stereotypical composite of lesbian couples that is characterized by unhealthy dependency and loss of identity. The stereotype also portrays lesbian couples as having problematic sexuality and incapacity to attain long-term, committed status. The prevalence of these unfavourable myths hinder researchers and clinicians from gaining a more accurate understanding of the strengths and challenges of lesbian relationships and their similarities to and differences from heterosexual couple types. Furthermore, they are obstacles to achieving a high standard of professional practice and the creation of effective policy related to this group.
This is a critical period for same-sex relationships in Canada. Of the increase of same-sex marriage cases in Canada and the United States, Lahey and Alderson (2004) wrote, “There is every indication that this will not be the end of this new beginning” (p. 67). Lesbian women, gay men, and their relationships with the larger culture are evolving rapidly. This study is an attempt to gain a more accurate understanding of relationships and their place in our culture from the point of view of women who have lived experience in both types of relationships. The contextual experience of these women will help inform and enrich the theory, research, and practice with lesbian women and lesbian couples.
Rationale
Early studies of homosexuality tended to be focused on either the etiology of homosexuality or on conversion therapies, and likely contributed to the pathologizing of gay men and lesbian women. However, the body of literature on same-sex relationships is growing and the most recent theories are more constructive and affirming of homosexuality. For example, current research topics have explored the development of a positive gay or lesbian identity, resilience, Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 10 and the improvement of health services for gay men and lesbian women. The Institute of
Medicine (IOM) recently reported that there are large gaps in the knowledge about the health of the lesbian population. The IOM also reports that it is a priority to understand the health problems that lesbians are at risk for and to identify both the protective factors and conditions that will reduce the risk (Johnson & Hughes, 2005). While these changes are promising, the issues specific to lesbians and lesbian couples that are identified in the literature require further clarification and empirical support. Researchers consistently report that there is paucity of research on lesbian couples (Goldfried, 2001; Pachankis & Goldfried, 2004). Furthermore, lesbian relationships have been explored from a heterocentric point of view (Iasenza, 2000). Myths about lesbian relationships, such as the concepts of fusion and lesbian bed death, are being refuted (Iasenza,
2000; Gaines & Henderson, 2002; Spitalnick & McNair, 2005). Historically, both of these concepts have been repetitive themes in the literature on lesbian couples (Spitalnick & McNair,
2005). However, as Iasenza (2000) points out, these concepts are rooted in heterocentric definitions of healthy sexuality and emotional intimacy in primary relationships.
Some studies indicate that although lesbian couples report less genital sex than heterosexual couples, they report more kissing, cuddling, and holding than do heterosexual couples (Spitalnick & McNair, 2005; Rothblum, 1994). Lesbian couples also report higher relationship satisfaction than gay or heterosexual couples (Beals & Peplau, 2001; Cardell, Finn, &
Marecek, 1981; Eldridge & Gilbert, 1990; Kurdek & Schmitt, 1987; Metz, Rosser, & Strapko,
1994; Spitalnick & McNair, 2005). This discrepancy may indicate that the current standards by which we are examining lesbian relationships are not appropriate, and that concepts such as intimacy may be different across couple types. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 11
It has been suggested that theories and techniques for intervention with heterosexual couples have been applied to gay and lesbian couples without there being sufficient empirical support for their efficacy. For example, a theory that addresses wider social contexts might be important for sexual minority clients (Malley, 2002). Also consider that studies of gay male relationships have been indiscriminately generalized to lesbian relationships (Rivett, 2001).
Consider that some theorists suggest that gender may be a more significant factor than sexual orientation in examining relationships, and that lesbian women may have more in common with heterosexual women than with gay men (with regard to relationships) (Gaines & Henderson,
2002; Iasenza, 2000; Nichols, 2004; Spitalnick & McNair, 2005).
Other researchers argue that sexual orientation may be more salient than gender with regard to relationship dynamics, but it is difficult to distinguish between the effects of gender and sexual orientation (Harkless & Fowers, 2005). Although it may seem reasonable to assume that there are areas of commonality between heterosexual, lesbian, and gay relationships, more support for this hypothesis is required. The aforementioned ideas imply that there is a need for illumination of lesbian relationship issues to help inform practice with this population. Specific identification of the commonalities and differences from the point of view women with experience in both types of relationships will help to create a better understanding of lesbian relationships.
Other issues that the literature highlights include homophobia and heterosexism and the effects they have on lesbian couples. Homophobia may involve discrimination, harassment, assault, oppression, rejection, or various forms of abuse towards gay men, lesbian women, and bisexual men and women. Heterosexual bias refers to the tendency to value heterosexual relationships more highly than homosexual relationships, to believe that somehow homosexual Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 12 love is not as valid as heterosexual love, or that same-sex relationships cannot be as satisfying as heterosexual relationships (Eubanks-Carter, Burckell, & Goldfried, 2005; Goldfried, 2001;
Pachankis & Goldfried, 2004; Rivett, 2001; Testa, Kinder, & Ironson, 1987). Studies on homophobia and heterocentrism in the counselling field suggest that in addition to the risks of homophobia and heterosexism, professionals are susceptible to minimize or inflate the differences between same-sex and opposite-sex couples. Homophobia and heterocentrism in the counselling relationship are also explored in several recent studies. Barrett and McWhirter (2002) define homophobia as an individual’s responses of fear, discomfort, anger, disgust, or aversion toward gay men and lesbians.
The following four points are significant with regard to research with the gay, lesbian, and bisexual population. First, sociopolitical changes in Canada and the advent of same-sex marriage will increase the visibility of gay and lesbian relationships. Second, as culture changes, (such as decreasing homophobia) the issues of gay men and lesbian women will change. Consequently, approaches to treatment and intervention will also have to evolve. Third, gay men and lesbian women are up to four times more likely to seek counselling (Eubanks-Carter et. al., 2005;
Goldfried, 2001; Mackey, O’Brien, & Mackey, 1997). Four, it is likely that therapists will encounter gay men and lesbian women in their work. One author reports that 42% of therapists in
North America indicate that they deal with gay and lesbian issues (Eubanks-Carter et. al., 2005).
However, despite the fact they will encounter these people in practice, both therapists and student therapists report feeling unprepared to deal with gay and lesbian issues (Annesley & Coyle,
1995). Consequently, this study aims to meet several goals. It will help to explore lesbian relationship issues from the point of view of a traditionally marginalized and voiceless population. It will contribute to the body of knowledge about lesbian relationships. Furthermore, Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 13 it will add to the body of knowledge to address the myths, and clarify the similarities and differences between lesbian and heterosexual relationships.
Taking into account the greater likelihood that gay men and lesbian women will seek counselling, it is imperative that researchers and clinicians educate themselves with regard to these populations, and that they approach the work in a more well-informed manner. As with other theories of cultural competence, therapists must be aware of the larger social and political context (APA, 2000; Anderson & Henderson, 1985; Cheng, 2003; Johnson & Hughes, 2005;
Palma & Stanley, 2002; Parks, 1999; Safren & Rogers, 2001). Otherwise, there is a risk of heterocentrism, homophobia, and lack of awareness on the part of the practitioner that could result in harm to gay and lesbian clients who seek counselling.
The primary research question in the current study is, “What are the similarities and differences between heterosexual and lesbian relationships from the perspective of women who have experience in both relationship types?” I intend to answer this question using the qualitative methodology called phenomenology (see Chapter 3). The next section reviews relevant terminology.
Definition of Terms
Several terms must be clearly defined for the purpose of this study. Definitions of key terms follow:
1. Homosexuality – Homosexuality refers to an affectional and sexual interest towards
individuals of the same gender (Palma & Stanley, 2002).
2. Bisexuality – Bisexuality refers to an affectional and sexual interest towards individuals of
both genders (Palma & Stanley, 2002). Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 14
3. Homophobia – Barrett and McWhirter (2002) define homophobia as an individual’s responses
of fear, discomfort, anger, disgust, or aversion toward gay men and lesbians. Homophobia
may involve discrimination, harassment, assault, oppression, rejection, or various forms of
abuse towards gays, lesbians, and bisexuals.
4. Heterosexism – Heterosexism refers to “an ideological system that denies, denigrates, and
stigmatizes” forms of identity, behaviour, relationship, and community that are not
heterosexual (Rose, 2000).
5. Heterosexual bias –Heterosexual bias refers to the tendency to value heterosexual
relationships more highly than homosexual relationships, to believe that somehow
homosexual love is not as valid as heterosexual love, or that same-sex relationships cannot be
as satisfying as heterosexual relationships (Eubanks-Carter et. al., 2005; Goldfried, 2001;
Pachankis & Goldfried, 2004; Palma & Stanley; 2002; Rivett, 2001; Testa, Kinder, &
Ironson, 1987).
6. Lesbian identity management – Lesbian identity management is commonly referred to as the
“coming out” process. In other words, a lesbian woman chooses who she will disclose her
sexual orientation to and under what circumstances (LaSala, 2001). This is an ongoing
process rather than a one-time event. A person who does not disclose may be referred to as
being “in the closet” in one or more areas of their life.
7. Lesbian bed death – According to Iasenza (2000), lesbian bed death, or hypoactive sexual
desire, supposedly occurs in “long-term lesbian couples and characterized by a dramatic,
sustained drop-off in sexual frequency” (p. 59).
8. Fusion – Fusion or merger refers to an unhealthy dependency and emotional closeness that
purportedly occurs in lesbian couples and it has been attributed to both external pressures Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 15
(such as homophobia and heterosexism) and women’s’ relational styles (Gaines &
Henderson, 2002; Iasenza, 2000; Nichols, 2004; Spitalnick & McNair, 2005).
At this point, it is important to note that throughout this paper, I use of the term “lesbian” for the sake of brevity and simplicity. However, in the context of this paper, the word “lesbian” connotes a relationship composition, rather than a particular type of person. In fact, the recruitment materials for this study asked for women in lesbian relationships, not necessarily women who identified as lesbian. When completing the question about sexual orientation on the demographic sheet (Appendix B), several of the women in this study indicated to me verbally that twofold definitions of sexuality (e.g., heterosexual, lesbian) were not necessarily fitting. This was an unexpected issue that arose during the course of the study and it is important to acknowledge and consider its implications.
Before concluding this chapter, I will include my bracketing of the phenomenon. In phenomenology, bracketing is the process of stating my pre-assumptions and views about the subject under study so that others can see my preconceptions and biases from the outset. The process is also intended to help keep my views conscious so that they do not exert significant impact when I later extract themes from the interview transcripts.
Bracketing the Phenomenon
This research endeavor has occurred as a result of my professional and personal interest in lesbian relationships. From a professional point of view, I am interested in the development, strengths, challenges, dynamics, and sexuality in primary relationships, regardless of the gender of the people involved. During my readings on couples and families, I have been struck by the scarcity of information on lesbian relationships, and the lack of reference to gay or lesbian relationships. Also, I have been surprised by the negative nature of some of literature on lesbian Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 16 relationship issues. I have seen very little information that highlights the strengths of lesbian relationships. The prevalence of concepts such as lesbian bed death and fusion in lesbian relationships do not correspond with my own personal experience in a healthy, constructive, and positive lesbian relationship. As some researchers in the literature have pointed out, such theories may have arisen from a heterocentric position on what constitutes a healthy couple relationship.
As a woman in a committed lesbian relationship, I also have an interest in exploring the issues particular to lesbian relationships. To provide some background, I grew up in isolated, working class town in North Western Ontario during the 1970s. I experienced a sore lack of support or exposure to positive gay and lesbian role models. It has been a lifetime of personal work for me to understand how my own experience fits with the majority, and to discover that queer people do have healthy lives and healthy relationships. I am 35-years old, well educated,
Caucasian, and I currently live in a liberal, urban area in South Western British Columbia. My presence, and some of the aforementioned details, will undoubtedly influence this research project.
In summary, I chose this research direction out of desire to gain a more accurate understanding of relationships from the point of view of women who may be in a better position to elucidate the issues, commonalities, and distinctions of different relationship types. It is my hope that this research endeavor will both add to the body of literature and increase my own understanding of issues particular to lesbian relationships.
Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 17
Chapter II.
Review of the Related Literature
This review of literature highlights various aspects of lesbian partnerships as researchers and clinicians understand them thus far. The emergent themes in the literature include the clinical issues that lesbian couples bring to counselling, the differences and similarities between lesbian, gay, and heterosexual couples, and special considerations in working with lesbian couples.
Since 1973 when the APA officially removed homosexuality from the diagnostic categories of the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of the American Psychological Association
(Eubanks-Carter, et. al., 2005; Spitalnick & McNair, 2005), the literature on same-sex couples has grown. The focus has also shifted away from conversion therapies and the etiology of homosexuality. Past research did not discriminate between gay men and lesbians. Furthermore, assumptions about gay men were generalized to lesbians (Rivett, 2001). With regard to relationship counselling, theories and approaches used with heterosexual couples have been indiscriminately applied to same-sex couples. Current research may help to deconstruct the myths and conjecture about lesbian women. However, researchers continue to report that there is a lack of literature on gay and lesbian issues (Goldfried, 2001; Pachankis &Goldfried, 2004). Though research on gay men and lesbian women has been steadily increasing since the early 1970s, in comparison to the literature on heterosexual relationships there is a dearth of literature on gay and lesbian couples.
Several authors note that lesbian couples are more likely than either gay or heterosexual couples to seek counselling (Eubanks-Carter, et al., 2005; Goldfried, 2001; Mackey, O’Brien, &
Mackey, 1997). Also, consider that Burckell et al. indicate that in a recent survey, 42% of therapists indicated that they dealt with gay, lesbian, or bisexual issues in counselling. Yet, Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 18 therapists and student counsellors report that they feel inadequately equipped to deal with gay and lesbian issues. Therapists may be at risk for minimizing the differences between heterosexual and same-sex couples. Considering the changing social and political climate in Canada, the discussion of same-sex marriage, and the increased visibility of gay men and lesbian women, more accurate and up-to-date information is needed. Claiming ignorance is not a luxury that clinicians and researchers in the field can afford. Pederson and Ivey (1993) write that ignoring the influence of culture and learned assumptions as a counsellor is “a little like speeding in a car down a busy street without having your hands on the steering wheel” (p. 1).
From the articles, books, and studies of lesbian couples, several salient themes emerge.
These include homophobia, internalized homophobia, heterosexual bias, lesbian identity management (“coming out”), the impact of social support on lesbian relationships, and relationship satisfaction. Equality in relationships, lack of role models, fusion, lesbian sexuality, partner abuse, parenting issues, and alternative relationship models (i.e., living separately, open sexuality) are addressed in the literature. Visible minority status (i.e., elderly, black, or first nations) among lesbians and gays is scarcely found in the literature. Samples from studies are predominantly white, middle class, highly educated lesbian women.
Themes in the Literature
Homophobia and Heterosexual Bias
Goldfried (2001) stated, “…there is nothing intrinsic to being lesbian, gay, or bisexual that results in psychological disturbance. There are clearly problems about being gay, lesbian, or bisexual, but the vast majority of these stem from those of us who are heterosexual” (¶ 49). As stated earlier, the term homophobia indicates an individual’s “affective responses of fear, disgust, anger, discomfort, and aversion toward gay men and lesbians” (Barrett & McWhirter, 2002). Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 19
With regard to homophobia and heterocentrism, the literature is divided in terms of whether these forces have a positive or negative effect on lesbian relationships. Earlier research suggests that homophobia and heterosexism creates destructive pressure on same-sex relationships. For example, the phenomenon of fusion in lesbian relationships is attributed to the fact that societal pressures create isolation and solidarity for the couple that can develop into an unhealthy dependency and destabilize the relationship (Iasenza, 2000; Schneider, 1986). However, other researchers have suggested that these pressures can help foster closeness and intimacy in lesbian relationships (Burch, 1985; Schreurs & Buunk, 1996). It may be more likely that coming out is either positive or negative depending on the situation. In circumstances where personal safety is at risk, choosing not to disclose sexual orientation may be self-preserving.
While homophobia may involve discrimination, harassment, assault, oppression, rejection, or various forms of abuse, heterosexual bias refers to the tendency to value heterosexual relationships more highly than homosexual relationships, to believe that somehow homosexual love is not as valid as heterosexual love, or that same-sex relationships cannot be as satisfying as heterosexual relationships (Eubanks-Carter, et al., 2005; Goldfried, 2001; Pachankis & Goldfried,
2004; Rivett, 2001; Testa, Kinder, & Ironson, 1987). An example of heterosexual bias with regard to relationship counselling occurs when theories and interventions that apply to heterosexual couples are applied to same-sex relationships (Goldfried, 2001; Iasenza, 2000;
Spitalnick & McNair, 2005). For example, Iasenza states that sex research rely on male and heterocentric ideals for sex, which can distort our view of lesbian sexuality and intimacy. As with counselling other diverse clients, therapists may make the mistake of minimizing the differences between heterosexual and homosexual couples and applying ill-fitting theories and interventions with these clients. The APA guidelines for psychotherapy and research with gay, lesbian, and Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 20 bisexual clients encourage members to “increase their knowledge and understanding of homosexuality and bisexuality through continuing education, training, supervision, and consultation” (APA, 2000).
Homophobia and heterocentrism are particularly salient for counselling work with lesbians. Barrett and McWhirter (2002) conducted a study on the perceptions of counsellor trainees regarding gay men and lesbian women and they found that the degree of the student’s homophobia predicted less positive depictions of the gay and lesbian clients than of heterosexual clients, and the least positive depictions of lesbian women. Likewise, Annesley and Coyle (1995) completed a survey of British clinical psychologists to measure attitudes towards gay and lesbian clients. The researchers reported that respondents had positive attitudes toward lesbian women, but they expressed less positive attitudes towards lesbian women raising children. The authors predicted that while the respondents were not concerned about these women having contact with other peoples’ children, they might have been concerned about the impact of lesbian parenting on children.
With regard to therapist matching, other researchers have found that matching client and therapist in terms of sexual orientation is not necessarily effective in counselling. A heterosexual counsellor who is gay positive can be just as effective in working with gay and lesbian clients as a homosexual counsellor (Annesley & Coyle, 1995; Barrett & McWhirter, 2002; Eubanks-Carter, et al., 2005; Mackey et al., 1977; Pachankis & Goldfried, 2004; Spitalnick & McNair, 2005). In their survey of British Psychologists, Annesley and Coyle noted with concern that the respondents’ attitudes tended to be rooted in their own social experiences (i.e., contact and types of relationships with lesbian women) and personal values, rather than in their clinical experiences. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 21
All of the researchers and authors in this review stress better counsellor training to help ensure the most effective services for gay, lesbian, and bisexual clients.
Internalized Homophobia
As lesbian women and gay men develop, they are at risk of internalizing the homophobia that they experience in society (Gluth & Kiselica, 1994). Internalized homophobia can manifest itself in feelings of guilt, self-loathing, depression, and shame. Some researchers have hypothesized that in addition to negatively affecting the individual, internalized homophobia creates a strain on same-sex relationship relationships, and can potentially interfere with the couple’s capacity for intimacy (Beals & Peplau, 2001; Fisher, 1993; Iasenza, 2000; Spitalnick &
McNair, 2005). However, other studies of intergenerational relationships demonstrate that regardless of societal and familial responses, coming out about their lesbianism was affirming for them and their relationship (LaSala, 2001). The majority of the women indicated that parental disapproval did not substantially affect their relationships. However, it is important to consider that LaSala’s study relied on the respondents’ perceptions of their parents’ attitudes, and not the parent’s actual report, and thus this calls into question the validity or accuracy of participants’ reports. However, one could argue that perception is more important as it is rooted in the individual’s reality.
In clinical work, Eubanks-Carter, et al. (2005) note that therapists must be able to recognize how internalized homophobia affects clients’ psychological symptoms, their social development, and their relationships. Clinicians may confuse sexual identity crisis for mental disorders or personality disorders, and thus further exacerbate a person’s negative self-perception.
As Rivett (2001) points out, there is a complicated overlap between presenting problems and discrimination, homophobia, and in particular heterocentrism for gay and lesbian clients. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 22
Lesbian Identity Management
As it has already been established, lesbian identity management is commonly referred to as the “coming out” process, and it is a process that occurs over the life span, not a one-time event. Throughout her life, a lesbian woman makes daily decisions about disclosure of her sexual orientation. In addition to disclosing to their friends and family, a lesbian couple will consider how much or how little they will divulge about their relationship with work colleagues, with neighbours, bankers, medical professionals, or to any new person entering their lives. Coming out may bring up profound fears of rejection, but remaining closeted can produce other stressors such as those involved with leading a dual life, or fear of discovery.
There is controversy as to whether it is healthier for a lesbian couple to be “out” and open about their sexual orientation or not. Some research focuses on the significance of particular contexts with regard to coming out. For example, LaSala (2001) and Murphy (1989) specifically focused on coming out to parents and the effect of parental support or rejection towards the couple. Murphy reported that even parental disapproval could have a positive effect on the couple because the bond between partners was strengthened.
Divergent views with regard to coming out are evident in the literature. One might argue that remaining closeted could contribute to a couple’s sense of isolation, shame, stress, and fear
(Goldfried, 2001; Spitalnick & McNair, 2005). In addition, non-disclosure has been linked to social isolation, sexual coercion, and patterns of battery and abuse in lesbian relationships
(Morrow & Hawxhurst, 1989; Renzetti, 1989; Waterman, Dawson, & Bologna, 1989). Being open about sexual orientation is sometimes considered healthy and affirmative of self and the relationship, and even crucial for self-acceptance. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 23
However, other investigators have found that non-disclosure can be adaptive and that disclosure is not necessarily related to relationship satisfaction (Beals & Peplau, 2001; Eldridge &
Gilbert, 1990; LaSala, 2000; Murphy, 1989). In fact, they suggest that rejection by others and the self-affirming act of coming out can strengthen a same-sex relationship. Beals and Peplau (2001) reported that it is the discrepancy between partners about disclosure of sexual orientation that leads to conflict and dissatisfaction in the couple’s relationship. Contrary to their predictions, the authors found that lesbians who disclosed to a greater number of family members and friends did not have more satisfying relationships. Nor did partner matching on self-disclosure enhance relationship quality. The authors suggest that partners who have similar levels of disclosure might have similar attitudes about being lesbian and similar levels of self-acceptance. Furthermore,
Beals and Peplau (2001) write that although lesbian couples receive acknowledgement from others in disclosure, disclosure is not related to relationship satisfaction. Realistically, disclosure of sexual orientation may be positive or negative depending on the situation and context.
Fusion
Although the idea of fusion in lesbian relationships continues to be described in the literature, there is little empirical evidence to support it (Iasenza, 2000; Gaines & Henderson,
2002; Spitalnick & McNair, 2005). Fusion refers to an unhealthy dependency and emotional closeness that occurs in lesbian couples. Fusion, or merger, as it has also been called, has been attributed to two factors. First, women tend to be more relational and expressive than men, and second, lesbians have to contend with the societal pressures of discrimination and stigmatization
(Iasenza, 2000; Gaines & Henderson, 2002; Spitalnick & McNair, 2005). Researchers and theorists have hypothesized that these factors can create blurring of emotional boundaries, loss of Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 24 autonomy, and dependence in lesbian relationships that leads the couple to isolate and rely more on each other for support.
In recent literature, researchers have begun to examine and explore the validity of the concept of fusion in lesbian couples. Gaines and Henderson (2002) found that the heterosexism and stigmatization of lesbians and gay men is “unrelated to patterns of interdependence in same- sex romantic relationships” (p. 93). In their study of 265 lesbian couples, Eldridge and Gilbert
(1990) employed multiple self-report measures and discovered that the lesbian women in their sample valued personal autonomy, and that loss of personal autonomy was negatively correlated with relationship satisfaction. Similarly, Schreurs and Buunk (1996) found that autonomy was negatively related to dependency and relationship satisfaction in their study of 119 lesbian couples. They also found that intimacy was unrelated to dependency. It is apparent from the most recent literature that clinicians and researchers are at least casting doubt on the issue of fusion in lesbian relationships, but they agree that more empirical research is needed.
Lesbian Sexuality and Bed Death
The concept of fusion has been linked to lesbian bed death, but lesbian bed death is only one aspect of lesbian sexuality. Iasenza (2000) writes that lesbian bed death, or hypoactive sexual desire, supposedly occurs in “long-term lesbian couples and is characterized by a dramatic, sustained drop-off in sexual frequency” (p. 59). She notes her concern that the term has entered the mainstream discourse in lesbian periodicals and books as well as surfacing in jokes and conversation in the lesbian community despite inadequate empirical support for the concept. In addition, she notes that people who use the term “are conflating two related but separate concepts, which are sexual infrequency and hypoactive sexual desire” (p. 61). The literature is divided on the issue of whether lesbian bed death is a real phenomenon. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 25
Lesbian bed death is believed to be a result of a combination of effects including internalized homophobia and gender (Spitalnick & McNair, 2005). For example, Iasenza (2000) notes that women are socialized to be sexually passive and that men are trained to be initiators, and thus, lesbian couples are without a trained sexual initiator. Furthermore, definitions of sexuality are based on male norms, and researchers and the dominant majority limit the definition of sex to genital sex.
Rothblum (1994) suggests that the fact that there are two women in a relationship increases the chances that at least one of them will have a history of sexual assault, thus creating further potential complications for sexuality in the relationship. Other researchers have noted that lesbians report that the frequency of sex is impacted by their busy lives, demanding schedules, fatigue, stress, and focus on work (Christopher & Sprecher, 2000; Hall & Gregory, 1991).
Although lesbians have genital sex slightly less often than women may in heterosexual relationships, relationship satisfaction is similar across gay, lesbian, and bisexual couples
(Christopher & Sprecher, 2000; Eldridge & Gilbert, 1990; Hall & Gregory, 1991). Moreover,
Christopher and Sprecher suggest that sexual satisfaction is associated with general relationship satisfaction, which might be contradictory of the theory of lesbian bed death.
It is interesting to note that although several sources cite that lesbians have the highest relationship satisfaction of gay, lesbian, and heterosexual couples, that they have slightly less sex.
In her article on lesbian sexuality, Rothblum (1994) highlights the significance of patriarchal definitions of sexuality and the impact on the definition of what constitutes normal sex and frequency. Lesbian couples may engage in less genital sex than heterosexual women and men, but they engage in more affectionate, non-sexual behaviour (Spitalnick & McNair, 2005; Rothblum,
1994). Rothblum states, Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 26
Women’s sexuality was linked to pregnancy and motherhood. Lesbians can serve as
models for sexual activity free from reproduction. Sexual activity free from reproduction
also implies that sexual activity can be independent of genital activity so that sex can truly
encompass all aspects of women’s bodies, spirituality, love, and passion (p. 638).
Researchers writing on this topic agree that more study focused on sexuality in committed long- term same-sex relationships is needed (Christopher and Sprecher, 2000; Iasenza, 2000; Rothblum,
1994)
Lack of Role Models
Another theme that surfaces in the literature is related to the lack of role models for both gay and lesbian couples. Unlike heterosexual couples, same-sex couples have few points of reference for their relationships (Spitalnick & McNair, 2005). McNair and Spitalnick note that this lack of knowledge and feedback might lead a lesbian couple to assume that relationship problems are a result of their sexual orientation rather than simply being usual relationship difficulties. Fisher (1993) suggests that lesbian couples might attempt to copy heterosexual models of relationships that could make for an unsuccessful transposition.
There is a lack of consistency in the theories and findings about the lack of role models for lesbian couples. Although several researchers propose that lack of lesbian role models for relationships has a negative impact on lesbian relationships, Mackey et al. (1997) noted that lesbians related to their parents and other heterosexual couples as models based on the appeal of their human qualities such as kindness and commitment. Sexual orientation of the desirable figures was not as significant as these traits according to lesbian women.
In a related theme, researchers have focused on the fact that sex roles, or the behaviour and characteristics assigned to a gender, do not apply in homosexual relationships. The literature Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 27 supports that rather than being a source of conflict or dissatisfaction, the lack of sex roles can be a strength in lesbian couples (Cardell, Finn, & Macerek, 1981; Kurdek & Schmitt, 1987; Schreurs
& Buunk, 1996; Spitalnick & McNair, 2005). Unlike heterosexual couples, prescribed roles do not apply for lesbian women. Lesbian couples can negotiate their roles more freely.
Schneider’s (1986) study compared ten cohabitating lesbian couples with ten cohabitating heterosexual couples on three dimensions including durability, interdependence, and equality.
Schneider reported many similarities between the couples, but did note that they differed in terms of equality in the relationship. Schneider’s results indicated that lesbian relationships are more flexible and less interdependent compared to heterosexual couples.
Mackey et al. (1997) suggest that there is less conflict in same-sex relationships because partners can freely build relationships on individual preferences, skills, or schedules. The authors suggest that this freedom and negotiation results in higher self-esteem and relationship satisfaction for the partners of lesbian couples.
Relationship Satisfaction
Investigations have shown that relationship satisfaction is higher for lesbian couples than gay or heterosexual pairs (Beals & Peplau, 2001; Cardell et al., 1981; Eldridge & Gilbert, 1990;
Kurdek & Schmitt, 1987; Metz, Rosser, & Strapko, 1994; Spitalnick & McNair, 2005). This has been attributed to several factors, including the level of equality in lesbian relationships, the increased value that women place on emotional intimacy, attachment styles of partners, conflict resolution styles, lesbian identity management, self-esteem, general life satisfaction, and social support. However, equality emerges in the literature as the most often cited contributor to relationship satisfaction for lesbians. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 28
Schreur’s and Buunk (1996) study of Dutch lesbian couples specifically proposes that high levels of autonomy, intimacy, and equality, and low levels of dependence in lesbian relationships, are key for relationship satisfaction. In child-rearing lesbian couples, Bos, van
Balen, and van den Boom (2004) found high levels of relationship satisfaction and synchronicity amongst lesbian parents, which they also attribute to equality and to the notion that women in lesbian relationships are not constrained by traditional gender roles. Metz et al. (1994) linked conflict resolution style to relationship satisfaction and found that gender was significant in considering conflict management style. They suggested that lesbian couples had greater emotional companionship, more positive conflict resolution styles, and less negative styles of conflict resolution (e.g., more assertiveness and less aggression).
There is inconsistency in the various studies on lesbian relationships. Despite the fact that lesbian couples report higher relationship satisfaction, their relationships do not tend to endure as long as heterosexual couples. Researchers have begun to explore various facets of relationship satisfaction, but clearly more study is needed to identify the unique traits of lesbian relationships.
Post Break-Up Connectedness
There have been anecdotal reports in the literature that homosexual couples experience more post break-up connectedness with former partners than heterosexuals (Harkless & Fowers,
2005). In other words, lesbian and gay men tend to keep relationships with their past relationship partners, whereas heterosexuals do not. Harkless and Fowers note that this phenomenon has been attributed to gender, although this pattern is also evident for gay males. The authors suggest that it is difficult to distinguish the effects of gender socialization and orientation, but that some of the dyadic relating of lesbians and gay men may have more to do with sexual orientation, more fluid boundaries, and the connectedness that homophobia and heterosexism foster in same-sex Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 29 relationships. It may also be that the smaller gay and lesbian communities increase the likelihood that ex-partners will come into contact. Harkless and Fowers also note that few professionals might have experience of training in lover-to-friend relationship transitions. They write,
“Professional theory and practice may need to be amended to reduce tendencies to assume a
‘clean break’ norm and to pathologize ongoing attachments to ex-partners as enmeshment, co- dependency, or worse” (p. 173).
Counselling diverse clients. In the last 20 years, researchers have begun to identify that gay men and lesbians have unique needs to consider. The Feminist Therapy Code of Ethics
(2000) states,
A feminist therapist is aware of the meaning and impact of her own ethnic and cultural
background, gender, class, age, and sexual orientation, and actively attempts to become
knowledgeable about alternatives from sources other than her clients. She is actively
engaged in broadening her knowledge of ethnic and cultural experiences, non-dominant
and dominant. (¶ 14)
Anderson and Henderson (1985) suggest that clinicians must examine their stereotypes about homosexual people and work through their own homophobia, and that they “must be comfortable with lesbianism as a valid lifestyle and free themselves from the belief that it is pathological, regressive, or sinful” (p. 522). The authors also note that homophobia is positively related to sexist attitudes and negatively related to positive self-concept.
Other researchers encourage clinicians to integrate a multicultural counselling approach with lesbian clients (Kocarek & Pelling, 2003). Lehmann, Lehmann, and Kelly (1998) specifically advise that professionals avoid assuming that clients are heterosexual, ask directly about sexual orientation, and use sex-neutral language. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 30
Less than 10% of the literature that was reviewed for this paper made mention of issues such as aging, bisexuality, health issues, or visible minority status for lesbians and lesbian couples. Blando (2001) notes that in addition to the stress of being a sexual minority, elderly lesbians face distinct stressors that include ageism, institutional discrimination, intrafamilial discrimination, and changes in health, retirement, and finances. Considering the sociopolitical changes occurring in Canada and the disproportionate number of people aging in this country, issues of elderly lesbian women will most likely become more significant in future years.
Lesbians who have multiple minority status are poorly represented in the literature. Most of the studies reviewed for this paper involved middle-class-highly-educated-Caucasian people.
Several authors make note of the scarcity of literature on visible minority gays and lesbians, and they encourage more research in this area.
Limitations of the Literature
Many researchers have noted that the literature regarding lesbians is beset with methodological problems. Definitions and terms are not operationalized and thus, terms are vague and unclear. Due to the sociopolitical changes, literature might be dated and not applicable. For example, concepts such as fusion or lesbian bed death might have been relevant in the past when lesbian women were subjected to fiercer homophobia in society. In research about lesbians, personal characteristics seem to be ignored, while environmental influences are emphasized.
Sexual orientation. Sexual identity is a difficult concept to operationalize. Studies vary in terms of how they define sexual orientation. “Lesbian” is not a homogenous category either. For example, a person may distinguish between homosexual attractions and homosexual behaviour, and not identify as lesbian. In addition, a person may identify as questioning, curious, bisexual, heterosexual, or homosexual to some degree. A woman may label herself lesbian to fulfill a Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 31
category requirement, but indicate that the term does not fit with her experience. Or, she may
check more than one label for sexual orientation. All of the studies and articles reviewed for this
literature review used different definitions of sexual orientation. Thus, it is questionable whether
the studies are generalizable and it is not clear which population group is being studied.
Dated literature. As indicated in previous sections of this paper, sociopolitical changes are
occurring rapidly with regard to tolerance on homosexuality, visibility of gay men and lesbians,
and on the issue of gay marriage. Since 1973, when homosexuality was depathologizied by the
American Psychiatric Association, there has been a movement away from exploring the etiology
of homosexuality and attempts at conversion therapy toward constructive and positive research of
homosexuality. It could be argued that in general, there is less oppression and discrimination
towards homosexuals now. These changes have occurred in a brief thirty-year period. Some
earlier concepts about gay men and lesbian women may be less relevant now than they were even
in the 1980’s. For example, lesbian bed death, or hyposexuality, was attributed to emotional
fusion in lesbian relationships. It was hypothesized that due to environmental pressures such as
discrimination, lesbians became overly involved with each other to the point of unhealthy
dependency. Recent studies challenge that theory and concept (Rothblum, 1994). However, it
might be that the changes in the environment are linked to changes in the issues that lesbian
couples encounter.
Sampling methods. Another recurring criticism of the literature on lesbian and gay couples is that samples rely too much upon non-probability and snowball sampling. Respondents are often selected through lesbian communities, or techniques such as snowball sampling, which rely on recruitment of participants through informal networks of friends and colleagues. Rothblum (1994) points out that there is great diversity in the lesbian population, research should focus on being Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 32 more representative of lesbians, and research “should incorporate a group that varies in identity, sexual, behaviour, and community participation” (p. 632). Conversely, as Christopher and
Sprecher (2000) point out, it is reasonable that research of gay and lesbian relationships will continue to rely on nonprobability sampling methods since it would be difficult to randomly select an appropriate number of lesbians from the larger population.
Generalizability of the current research is questionable because much of the literature is
based on smaller sample sizes, is weakened by volunteer bias, and is over-representative of highly
educated, affluent, and “out” Caucasian women. However, as Hughes (2003) indicated, lesbians
tend to be more educated and affluent and thus the samples might not be distorted as it has been
thought.
There are other significant gaps in the research. Visible minorities, the elderly, and the
lower socioeconomic classes are essentially absent from the discourse on lesbian issues. Given
that multiculturalism is increasing and that population in Canada is aging, issues particular to
these segments of the population will likely become more relevant.
Future Directions and Approaches
There is potential for future research on lesbians and lesbian women and lesbian couples.
Generating more research is a priority. Future research could address some of the methodological
concerns listed above. Researchers could work towards using operationalized definitions of
constructs and improving sampling procedures. In addition, researchers might focus on
identifying what unique issues lesbian women bring to counselling, what factors contribute to
successful counselling for lesbian women, and what qualities they seek in counsellors. More
research on types of interventions and assessments is needed to validate and support the use of
these interventions with this population. Scientific inquiry might focus more on individual Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 33 factors, such as resilience or other personality traits, in addition to environmental stressors. Future research may focus on identifying how lesbian relationships differ from heterosexual relationships, how lesbian couples are similar to heterosexual couples, what unique issues lesbian couples bring to counselling, what factors contribute to successful counselling for lesbians, and what qualities lesbians seek in counsellors. In addition, research on the application of particular counselling interventions with lesbian couples may be explored. This is by no means a comprehensive list of suggestions, but it offers researchers and practitioners some insight into developing issues in this area.
Conclusion
The theories in the research reviewed for this paper are conflicting on many several key issues, except with regard to the high degree of relationship satisfaction in lesbian couples.
Without sufficient empirical support, the other existing theories about lesbian and gay relationships will remain speculative. Generalizability of the current research is questionable because much of the literature is based on smaller sample sizes, relies on non-probability sampling or is weakened by volunteer bias, and may possibly be over representative of highly educated, affluent, “out” Caucasian women.
There are also significant gaps in the research. Visible minorities, the elderly, and the lower socioeconomic classes are essentially absent from the discourse on gay and lesbian couples.
Given the changing demographics in this country, the need for research about these groups will become more imperative. Furthermore, many of the studies rely on methods involving self-report, and thus, their validity is questionable. Future research should also use multiple methods and measures. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 34
Given the current sociopolitical changes and the inception of same-sex marriage in
Canada, therapists can expect to see increased visibility of homosexual people in general, and more gay and lesbian couples presenting in counselling. When same-sex partners come for counselling, they will come with divorce and separation issues, blended family issues, parenting issues, and continuing struggles with homophobia and heterocentricism.
Student counsellors and therapists report feeling unprepared to deal with homosexual issues (Annesley & Coyle, 1995; Barrett & McWhirter, 2002; Eubanks-Carter, et al., 2005; Testa,
Kinder, & Ironson, 1987). Considering the greater likelihood that gay men and lesbian women will seek counselling, it is imperative that researchers and clinicians educate themselves about these populations, and that they approach their work in a more informed manner. Otherwise, there are clinical implications of heterocentrism, homophobia, and lack of awareness on the part of the practitioner that at worst could result in harm to gay and lesbian clients who seek counselling.
Other implications include ineffective treatment and wasted resources. As with other theories of cultural competence, therapists must be aware of the larger social and political context. The broadest goal of adopting an attitude of cultural competence is to be proactive and to help shape a society of wellness in which all citizens are equal, and have equal access to services and resources
(Pettifor, 2002). Prilleltensky (2001) wrote:
We need to promote social justice and social action, and not just individual empowerment
and compassion for marginalized populations. Similarly, we need social action and social
justice to promote wellness in society. Wellness may be defined as a favourable state of
affairs, for individuals and communities, brought about by the presence of psychological
and material resources. (¶ 13) Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 35
Furthermore, Cowen (as cited in Prilleltensky, 2001) describes that health is more than the absence of illness: “Wellness is not the same as the absence of disease. Rather it is defined by the presence of positive marker characteristics that come about as a result of felicitous combinations of organismic, familial, community, and societal elements" ( p. 247). As Cowen suggests, health and wellness are not absolute end points that one can reach, but rather, points on a continuum that one can continually strive towards. Clinicians and researchers should be in a position to support gay men and lesbian women to move along the continuum towards health and wellness. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 36
Chapter III.
Methodology
Introduction
Research about lesbian women, gay men, and bisexuals has traditionally been undertaken from the point of view of the theorist rather than from the lived experience of lesbian women. It is unlikely that traditional and empirical research methods could fully illuminate the complexity of this human experience (Hunnisett, 1986; Osborne, 1990). Rigorous qualitative research methods may better capture the complexity and richness of the experience of relationships from the point of view of women who have experience in both heterosexual and lesbian relationships.
Instead of approaching the topic with predetermined hypotheses, descriptive and explorative research is used to reveal the phenomenon (Moustakas, 1994; Osborne, 1990; Wertz,
2005). The phenomenological researcher approaches the subject matter with an open and empathic attitude, eager to understand the participants’ experience. As Wertz indicated, the interview method is particularly useful when the phenomenon being studied is “complex in structure, extensive in scope, and/or subtle in features that participants are not likely to offer spontaneously in response to questions or instructions at the outset” (p. 171). The use of the phenomenological method may help to overcome scientific reductionism, to minimize heterocentrism in the theory, and to elicit themes and discussion from the viewpoint of lesbian women.
Hunnisett (1986) argues that a phenomenological approach may be the most appropriate method for research involving lesbian women considering the importance of context with this population. She notes that it is no longer ideal to study an individual in isolation. Unlike natural science methodology, a phenomenological research method strives for empathic generalizability. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 37
The following chapter describes the population sample, data collection methods, and the steps taken to protect the participants’ human rights, the interview schedule, and the management of the data. This research was conducted and credibility was established through following a systematic and organized series of procedures of phenomenological research methods
(Moustakas, 1994; Wertz, 2005).
Data Collection Methods
Upon receiving approval from the Campus Alberta Ethics Review Board, a recruitment letter (Appendix A) was circulated to colleagues and personal contacts of the student researcher.
The letter outlined the purpose of the study, the time requirements, and it invited interested women to contact the student researcher. With her permission, each participant who expressed interest was provided with a copy of the informed consent and information package and a demographic questionnaire. Data was gathered through face-to-face interviews with the participants. Eleven open-ended questions were asked during the semi-structured interview, but other open-ended questions were employed to elicit clarification. Audio taped interviews ranged from approximately 40 minutes to two hours in duration. Six interviews took place in the homes of the participants and two interviews occurred in a private office. One couple requested to be interviewed together in their home. In phenomenological research, the number of participants involved in the study is determined by the clarification of the phenomenon being studied. Thus, when no new themes emerge from the interviews, the study has reached saturation (Osborne,
1990).
Human Rights Protection
The Informed Consent and Information package outlined the terms of confidentiality and the nature of the study (Appendix B). The forms included the researcher’s name and contact Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 38 information, the thesis supervisor’s name and contact information, and the name and contact information for the Campus Alberta Ethics Review Board. Other information on these sheets detailed the nature of the study, the number of participants, the length and duration of the volunteer’s involvement, the direct and indirect risks and benefits of participation, and the fact that there was no financial cost involved for the participants. The information sheet also indicated that there was no sponsorship or funding for this research, and included contact numbers for free or low cost counselling in the event a participant was in distress because of participating in the interview. Contact information and permission was requested so that the student researcher could complete member checks with the participants. The demographic sheet included questions about the participants’ contact information, education level, household annual income, ethnicity, age, occupation, and sexual orientation.
Interview Schedule
The research question of this study was, “What are the similarities and differences between lesbian and heterosexual relationships from the perspective of women who have experienced both types of relationships?” A semi-structured interview with open-ended questions about the phenomenon of interest was used. Specific questions about hypotheses in the literature
(i.e., lesbian bed death) were not included. Open-ended questions were used so as not to lead the participants (Osborne, 1990). As Osborne suggests, a less structured interview format was used to allow data that otherwise be missed, to surface. The interview questions were:
1. What do you perceive as the similarities between lesbian and heterosexual relationships?
2. What do you perceive to be differences between lesbian and heterosexual relationships?
3. How would describe the nature of intimacy in heterosexual marriage?
4. How would you describe the nature of intimacy in a lesbian relationship? Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 39
5. What factors are related to relationship satisfaction in a lesbian relationship?
6. What factors are related to relationship satisfaction in a heterosexual relationship?
7. What are the challenges that heterosexual couples face?
8. What are the challenges that lesbian couples face?
9. What are the positive aspects or benefits of being in a heterosexual relationship?
10. What are the positive aspects or benefits of being in a lesbian relationship?
11. Is there anything else that I did not already ask about that you would like to mention?
Data Analysis-Synthesis
Once the interviews were transcribed verbatim, the data was organized and analyzed according to phenomenological analysis. The transcriptions were reviewed three times. In the first review of the transcripts, the researcher was simply trying to “get a feel” for the data. Key paraphrases were noted on a sentence-by-sentence basis. A second review of the transcripts was completed to identify issues or meaning units, and a third examination helped the researcher to identify the general themes that the clustered issues represent (Moustakas, 1994; Wertz, 2005).
The extracted themes and issues were then organized into a structure that describes the fundamental nature of the women’s experience (Moustakas). Finally, member checks were performed to help ensure the accuracy of the analyses. A tabular/written questionnaire (Appendix
C) was constructed from the themes and issues that emerged, and a copy was sent to each participant to check for validity and accuracy of the themes. Eight of the ten women completed and returned the themes questionnaire.
Potential Implications
The results of this study will help to provide clarification of the differences and similarities between lesbian and heterosexual relationships from the point of view of women who Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 40 have experience in both types of pairings. Results may also help to dispel myths about the similarities and differences in lesbian and heterosexual relationships, and to inform future research and practice with lesbian couples. Furthermore, this research endeavour will give a voice to a minority population who has been inadequately represented in the literature on lesbian relationships.
The lesbian population is diverse, and this small sample may not reflect the diversity of this population. The participants in this study are predominantly middle-aged Caucasian women.
Lesbians who do not fit these characteristics may not be represented. The women recruited for this study are also primarily living in urban areas in the Pacific Northwest. Lesbian women in more rural settings may not be represented, and they may confront different issues. In addition, women who are having difficulty in their relationships may be less likely to volunteer for a study in which they will be discussing their relationship, and as a result, there may be a volunteer bias in this study. It is important to note that this research primary involves self-report and retrospective accounts of relationships, and thus biases may occur from omissions or distortions.
Future research may involve applying the same research protocol with women who identify as bisexual and who have been partnered with men and women. An alternative approach may involve interviewing women who are partnered with men, but have been in a lesbian partnership in the past. Other future research directions might include the perspectives of elderly, poor, non-white, lesbians who live in rural areas, closeted lesbians, or studies of the relationships of homosexual and heterosexual siblings.
The following four chapters will outline a review of literature related to the topic, the methods and procedures employed in the research, the results of the study, and finally, a discussion section that will outline the implications, strengths, and limitations of this work. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 41
Summary
This chapter outlined the population sample, the data collection methods, the interview schedule, human rights protection, and the handling of the data from the study. Ten research participants volunteered for the study. Data was gathered from face-to-face informal, unstructured interviews that occurred in a private office or in the participant’s homes. Interview times ranged from 40 minutes to 2 hours. The data was analyzed and synthesized according to the process of the phenomenal analysis. The following chapter outlines the results of the research. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 42
Chapter IV.
Results
The following pages outline the issues that emerged from the interviews with the women in this study. The categories in this discussion include (a) the similarities between relationship types, (b) benefits and challenges of both types of relationships, (c) relationship satisfaction in the couple types, (d) the participants’ experience of lesbian identity management and how that affects a lesbian relationship, (e) the differences between relationship types, and (f) the external and individual factors that affect lesbian women and lesbian relationships.
Similarities Between Couple Types
The women in this study reported that they believe there are certain universal couple issues that most couples, regardless of the couple type, experience. Such issues include communication, resolving conflict, making time for the relationship amid distractions, dealing with situational factors (work, illness, or childrearing), sharing and negotiating responsibilities, and negotiating personal needs and preferences The participants also identified that some issues specific to long-term relationships in general, and in their experience, are not particular to lesbian relationships. From these women’s perspectives, sexual routine, reduced sexual frequency, and loss of identity are issues that people in long-term relationships will encounter, regardless of the gender of the people involved in the relationship.
The women in this study indicate that, irrespective of gender composition of the relationship, partners must negotiate different values, histories, and personalities. When asked about the similarities between relationship types, Sandy, a 58-year-old writer, described her point of view by saying, Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 43
“Okay, similarities? Well, two people, well, I mean clearly there are always two sets of
values of ideas, of emotions, of expectations, of all those things so somehow those sets
have to fit. So, that’s a similarity. Umm, how people negotiate their day-to-day fit, is one
of them. The power struggle is another one, certainly. Umm, yah, I don’t know, um, so
what I was going to say, for me, that’s it. You know all those things that would happen in
a couple that are the similarities. But after that, I don’t see many similarities.”
Fifty-one year old Pam stated,
“Yah. I think the funniest thing is that we sit around with so many people we know, and
they say, “You know? It’s interesting, y’all have the same kind of issues we do.” And we
go, “Yah.” I think it’s a matter of how any of us deal with those. And um I think again,
sometimes, umm, gay and lesbian couples have to work harder because of the obstacles
that have really ended up being the gifts for a deeper relationship and deeper commitment,
if we’re, you know, like anybody else, if you’re not willing to talk about and share your
feelings, you know those kinds of things. You know, I’ve worked with plenty of people
that can’t do that. So I think we’re all much more alike than we are different.
Brenda, who was married to a man for over 23 years, and who has been with her female partner for more than 20 years, said,
“Oh my God, umm, ahhh, similarities. Okay, well, there’s you and another person, and
you have to work out all that stuff. Some of that interpersonal stuff, the good stuff, and
the bad stuff. You know, it’s still you. So that’s part of it, similarities. You know you still
have to work out what you’re going to compromise about, what you’re not. Your own
stuff about, ‘Do I go for what makes my partner happy or do I go for what makes me
happy’ or ‘how do we both get these things in the same direction’. The trouble is, my Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 44
heterosexual relationships are so long ago, it’s hard to remember. Um, I guess there’s still
the thing that you have to balance the time stuff, about how much time you’re going to be
with your partner and how much, like I like I a lot of alone time, so you know, getting
time to myself.
She added,
“And there are class issues, or background difference. Like you know, when you’re in a
relationship it’s not just you, it’s like your mother and father are back there and his or her
mother and father are back there along with a lot of people in the room. So it’s just a lot of
personal stuff you’re working out.
Carla and Hanna, who were married last year, have been together for 12 years. Hanna was in a heterosexual marriage for eight years and had two children. Carla was married twice; once for one year and the second time for ten years. They requested to be interviewed together. The following is an excerpt from the interview during which they spoke about the similarities of lesbian and heterosexual relationships:
Hanna: The amount of work that goes into a relationship is still the same, whether
you’re heterosexual or lesbian, you still have to work to make it happen, the
longevity of it. Umm,
Carla: Yah, I think a lot of the issues are still the same, like money issues, power issues.
Stacey: How does that play out?
Carla: I guess who makes all the decisions.
The two women then discussed the issues more in depth and elaborated about the power issues and the similarities they experience:
Hanna: It can be similar, it can be. Because there’s cases of abuse in lesbian Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 45
relationships. So I mean, in heterosexual relationships its rampant, but it’s also
happening in lesbian relationships.
Stacey: So power differentials can also happen in lesbian relationships. It sounds like the
basic kind of relationship stuff, like communication and that kind of thing is similar.
Hanna: Or lack of.
Stacey: Or lack of, yeah, or whatever degree of that I guess. Any other similarities
you can think of between het [heterosexual] and lesbian relationships?
Hanna: I think goals, family goals, goals that you would be working towards.
Carla: Like wanting children perhaps.
Stacey: So, some kind of mutual project or something, so whether it’s kids or owning a
business, or a trip, ya?
Hanna: A really big trip [laugh]
Carla: Like a trip to France or something, where you save up all your life.
Hanna: Something like retirement, what your plan is for when you get old, ‘cause when
you go into a relationship you think it is going to last forever anyways, so you have that
sort of insight.
Carla: Another similarity is that we mark our relationship like heterosexual couples in
terms of anniversaries.
With regard to similarity between relationship types, Brenda stated this:
And I think that’s the thing in relationships, whether your a lesbian or not a lesbian, that’s
the core, the work that has to be done is to keep it real and to keep it alive and to keep
doing your own personal work and allowing your partner to do their own personal work
because the other thing that happens is that you get habitual responses, I mean, eventually. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 46
Or, I mean, obviously, you can’t keep that intensity up forever, I mean, it’s too bad, uh,
but you’d probably never get anything else done. Umm, and I think what happens, again,
this thing about you both have to be awake at the same time, you both have to kind of be
present, in order for sex to really work, I think that enters into it, umm, I think we can fall
into the same kind of boring patterns that hets do, umm, I think we expect great sex
always and we’re disappointed if we don’t get it always, you know? And I think we have
to work at it. And people are either willing to do the work or they’re not. And often later
on in life we’ll have issues for either one or the other, umm, and, yah, again, you have to
work these things out.
Approximately two thirds of the women identified that they mark their relationships similarly to heterosexual couples through marriage or anniversary celebrations. As it has already been noted, several of the participants are married to their female partners. One woman mentioned that she thought that legalization of same-sex marriage would fuel this trend towards adopting a heterosexual model of rituals and celebrations in relationships. Most of the women who participated in this research stressed that, although they appreciated certain features of their same-sex and opposite-sex relationships, one relationship type was not superior to the other. They also stated that each relationship has its’ own struggles and benefits. Most of the women in this study reported that, in general, communication is a common factor between relationship types.
However, they also described some distinct differences in communication patterns in their heterosexual and lesbian relationships.
Differences Between Heterosexual And Lesbian Relationships
The participants described several differences between lesbian and heterosexual relationships. Specifically, they reported heightened levels of intimacy in their lesbian Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 47 relationships and differences in communication styles. They also indicated that they feel freer from gender roles and have a more equal sharing of responsibilities in their relationships with other women. Some of the women in this study also described a different process of partner selection in their lesbian and heterosexual relationships. For example, they identify that there is less emphasis on physical attractiveness and more emphasis on personal compatibility. They also highlight the differences in social support, and that they felt they received more support, validation, celebration, and acceptance in their heterosexual marriages.
Robust communication and emotional intimacy in lesbian relationships. Although all of the participants in this study indicated that communication is an inherent feature of all relationships, the women described some differences in communication patterns in their relationships with men and women. In particular, they described more emphasis on honesty and openness, and more validation of feelings, in their relationships with women. They also described that negotiation is a stronger feature of communication in their relationships with women. The comments of the participants in this study support the idea that two people of the same gender may naturally have a better understanding of each other. In the following excerpt Kelly, age 41, discusses this idea:
Kelly: I think in a lesbian relationship we have that advantage of knowing, in a way, that
you can’t as a non-member of that gender, what it’s like to be a woman or what it’s like to
be a man in this culture, in this time.
Stacey: And how do you think that having that knowledge or that experience enhances the
relationship between two women?
Kelly: I think it deepens it because that’s already there and so, like that’s the foundation
and so you get to just start from that place. You don’t have to educate up to that place, Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 48
you can educate beyond that and how it’s unique for you and the other person, but there’s
that foundation piece.
The participants in this study described that open communication contributed to a greater sense of intimacy in their relationships with women. Most described different relational dynamics across relationship types. For the most part, participants indicated that they thought that socialization likely has the most significant effect on communication patterns. They also acknowledged that gender or sexual orientation might affect communication patterns. The overlap of communication and intimacy in their comments is strikingly apparent. Kelly, a therapist, has been with her current partner for 11 years. She described the communication differences as follows in this excerpt:
Kelly: It looks like a level of relating that I didn’t have with a man, a level of mutuality
and understanding and reciprocity that I didn’t have with my male relationships.
Stacey: Hmm, and that mutuality and reciprocity, in what kinds of ways do you
experience that in a relationship? Like if I were a fly on the wall watching, what would I
see happening?
Kelly: It would be like a way of discussing that probably, hopefully the fly on the wall
would see less, would see a lot of communication, would see a lot of talking about it,
and not jumping to conclusions or judgments about what the other person is doing. Now
that’s not to say that sometimes, now maybe if I use an example: Now, imagine that I, or
she is feeling insecure about something, something that was said at work or you know,
and in the big picture it’s not a very big deal. And in my previous male relationships I
don’t know if they would have that big of a twist on that particular issue. You know, like
it’s something easier to brush off, or “Oh don’t be ridiculous, it’s fine, you know, it’s not Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 49
that big of a deal.” And that’s true, it isn’t that big of deal. But what I can do with my
current partner is, “I know this is just maybe, I’m just getting a bit twisted about this, but
could you just hear me out?” And so we can do that for each other, and then come back
and say, “Well, yah, but I think you just gotta let it go. I really don’t think in the big
picture it’s a big deal.” So, that kind of level of patience perhaps? And a willing to
explore things that maybe in a rational sense aren’t all that rational, but it sort of strikes
me at a level of insecurity that, not that men don’t have insecurities, but maybe that they
would be willing to share or talk about.
Pam, originally from the southern States, works with couples as a life coach. She was married to her husband, Ben, for about three years. Following her marriage to Ben, she was with a female partner for 15 years. She is now married to her partner Erica. Pam described several similarities across couple types:
…that there’s deep caring and potential for commitment, that there’s opportunities to
expand on those levels as you spend many years together, that there’s the opportunity for
communication between two people, it doesn’t matter if they’re two men, two women,
man and a woman, you know, that relational situation between two people, just holds
great potential for life and for living and for fun. Yah, so I think the same things are
available to all of them, it’s just a matter of how each has been affected by society or
culture or whatever. But I think the opportunities are very similar.
She elaborated on her comments about communication:
Oh, communication, I mean, I think that they [heterosexual couples] are not unlike gay
and lesbian couples in that the inability to share one’s feelings as you experience them is
the biggest detriment to relationships because people hide their feelings and when you do Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 50
that you’re just having a pseudo-relationship. You’ve masked your relationship and
you’re trying to make into something it might not be. So unless people can really share
their feelings as they experience them, their relationship can’t grow cause it’s stifled. In
fact, my experience has been from working with both, that heterosexual couples have a
harder time doing that than gay and lesbian couples. And transgender couples are
probably the real model.
In the following excerpt, she referred to intimacy and sex:
Pam: And so, intimacy is created through communication. Whether it’s physical or
emotional or recreational, I mean, you gotta communicate. So, that to me is just it in a
nutshell. Authentic communication and connections are created through learning to ride
your differences to a reordering of your relationship. What I see in both heterosexual
relationships and gay and lesbian relationships, is that in our society in America, we’ve
been taught that, “don’t have feelings.” A lot of us grew up with that, and so what we do
is we seal up, as the pressure comes in we’ve all got this white picket fence idea of what
relationships gonna be, and so when the pressure comes in we don’t know how to handle
it, it terrifies us. So what we do is we seal off our emotions, we push ‘em down. Well,
eventually those kinds of things happen, like the second law of thermo-dynamics: the
pressure builds and eventually it might, you know, go into somethin’ new. But what
happens is, right before many couples cross the abyss, into a new understanding by
learning to utilize their differences, to create a deeper understanding, they quit. And they
divorce and they give up. Whereas if they just took it a little further and rode that pressure
and learned how to utilize the differences, and ride that into a greater understanding, just
like the second law of thermo-dynamics, it would break through into a new reorienting of Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 51
the relationship. And the ones that communicate on that level, that’s what happens, and
they stay together whether they’re heterosexual couples or gay and lesbian couples. So,
you know, I do see that heterosexual couples don’t feel their freedom as much to speak
and say what they feel. [inaudible] you know, gay and lesbian couples, it’s something that
you have to learn to do.
Stacey: Are you referring to sex? Or communication across the board?
Pam: All of it. I mean, sex is five inches, and it’s not small, man. It’s the five inches
between one’s ears. You know? And that’s where it happens. But it doesn’t happen unless
you’re creating communication.
Ellen, 39-years old, married her female partner last year. They have been together for approximately ten years. Prior to this relationship, she was married to Jim for ten years. She described the communication differences as follows:
I don’t want to say that this is all men and that all of them are like this. This has been my
experience with say these two people. Okay? Umm, if a decision has to be made about
something, and you’re on two different pages about that ultimate decision, when I deal
with Jim, he gets very difficult. He just kind of shuts down, doesn’t want to hear it, and
will become quite stubborn and will not bend one way or the other, and it’s like this way
or no way, and it’s can become very confrontational or very heated. When Kim and I get
to that situation, my experience is that we both sort of see it coming, we both say okay,
let’s bend, let’s flex, there’s flexibility, the understanding of listening to the other persons,
there’s an understanding of how do you look at this from a different set of angles. So,
although it can get into a heated discussion, ultimately, we’re both willing to bend and
we’re both willing to work on that same level in our head. And I’m not sure in that Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 52
example, if that comes from experience of managing people all the time, and being in
positions in companies where you learned that skill, because you have to be a good
listener, you have to be able to look at things from different angles and you have to be
able to bend. So, I’m not sure whether that’s an innate ability? Or whether that’s a skill
that we’ve both learned, having had senior management positions managing people all the
time so we’ve now brought that into the home. But I definitely find that difference when I
have to negotiate something with her, over whatever, it’s an open discussion, no body
goes to bed at the end of the day mad, you know, there’s definitely a whole different way
around how to resolve the problem. And uhh, I think it goes back to what I was saying
earlier, you tend to just operate the same way.
In the next excerpt, she then described that she and her female partner have more sensitivity to each other’s emotional states:
Ellen: They [men] don’t have the sixth sense. You come home at the end of the day
having a bad day, well I know this is true in our house, you can immediately sense that
something’s not right. Right? When I was with Jim, I could come home at the end of the
day having a bad day and there wasn’t that same, ‘Gee, I get a feeling that you’re had a
rough day, tell me about it, what can I do to help you or, well let me give you a hug
because it was a rough day.’ You know? It didn’t exist.
Stacey: So what are the implications of that for emotional intimacy in a heterosexual
relationship? Like if your experience has been that men just aren’t as attuned to subtleties
and emotions and how you’re feeling, how does that impact intimacy, not just sexual, but
emotional intimacy? Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 53
Ellen: Well, I think that um, I think that ultimately there are times when you can feel very
disconnected, so you know, and for some people this disconnect happens for just a few
days and then they’re back on the connect, you know what I mean? It’s not a constant
disconnection. But I think if you’re not on the same playing field there’s room for the
disconnection for sure. And so you get up the next day and you’re on this wavelength and
this person’s over here and it may take you a while to get on the same program.
Tina, age 45, was with her husband for 18 years. She wears a ring, but is not legally married to her current partner, Mary. She stated,
So, I think there’s more emotion, and that’s a good thing in a lesbian relationship. I think
it’s a good thing. Like I think it’s neat to be with somebody that can cry [laughs].
Whereas being with a guy, like, I’m sorry, they like to hold back their emotions. I don’t
care who they are, it’s a thing, they don’t want to show who they are, they don’t want to
be vulnerable at all, I think that in this relationship there’s a lot more of that, you know,
umm, we can both put on the pants, you know what I mean, I can be the saviour today and
she can tomorrow, you know what I mean? I can come home and have a bad day and not
feel like an idiot if I’m losing it and want to have a good cry about something, you know?
Whereas with him, it was more, “Oh my God. What’s your problem now? Oh is it PMS?”
Whereas it’s just the way we are, you know? I’m not afraid to be who I am anymore,
whereas I found I had to be very umm, almost hidden, with emotion, or fear, fears of
things.
Jo is a 45-year-old artist, who has been in her current relationship with Tara for about four years.
She has one child with her ex-husband. The following is an excerpt from an interview with Jo: Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 54
Jo: …Um, although, I do notice that now living with my partner, umm, there are things
that bug me about her that bugged me about my husband. So, but then when I talk to her
about it, there will be a definite sort of, “Oh, you feel like that, okay, I hadn’t realized,
you just need to talk to me more about this.” You know, there’s an acknowledgement.
Whereas with my husband, there’s a, “What do you mean?!” Like reactive, and then so
that would kind of inflame things and then it would be nag, nag, nag, whereas in the
relationship with a woman, it’s different in that, because that is a kind of a power thing,
you know, the sort of reaction. Whereas where there’s a sort of openness about it, like
“I’ll try and change, I’ll try and do it differently,” kind of attitude, rather than, you know,
“I’m not going to change now,” kind of thing.
Stacey: There’s more like an acknowledgement of it, a validation and an openness to
resolving it?
Jo: Yah.
Stacey: Rather than it becoming a conflict.
Jo: Yah. And I don’t know if that’s specifically a lesbian thing, or it’s something
enlightened or more able to communicate?
It is interesting to note that although all of the participants in this study emphasized the importance of communication in primary relationships, their descriptions highlight differences in conflict resolution style, awareness, and processing of emotion in lesbian relationships. They describe more flexibility and negotiations in their relationships with women.
Freedom from gender roles and equal sharing of responsibilities. The women who were interviewed described a sense of freedom as a significant benefit of lesbian relationships. They reported that they are less bound to traditional gender roles in their relationships with women, Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 55 particularly with regard to sex, communication with their partner, sharing responsibilities, and household management. They also articulated that the freedom that they experience in this regard is a significantly positive aspect of their relationships. All related that they feel freer to define themselves, their roles, and their relationships with their partners. About roles and responsibilities, Brenda, age 61 said,
Well that’s the thing that men can’t take care of themselves that they know how to cook
and sew on their buttons, I mean, I know a lot of men can, but it’s less assumed still, I
think. Ummm, so it’s like ‘poor Bob’, you know. ‘Sally’s left him on his own for three
whole weeks, how’s he gonna cope?’ sort of thing. Umm, whereas we know we can take
care of ourselves, uhhmm, and for me that’s really nice, I mean, I did go away when I was
in a marriage, I mean, my mother used to refer to my husband as “poor Bob,” cause you
know, I made him sew on his own buttons. Cause you know, I sew on my own buttons.
And I think that might be a generational thing, but like I don’t think so. You know I see a
lot of young women who say, well it’s gonna be different, but then it’s not. And
especially when they have a kid, it’s not different.
In her interview, Ellen stated,
I think for me, the emotional piece was very important because I hadn’t had that support
in other relationships, particularly in my marriage to Jim, and I thought that was a big
missing element. You know, if I’m going to nurture and care for somebody, I want a
similar response. I don’t need to be stroked every day, but I need to know that I can rely
on somebody and trust somebody if I need to. And that was something that was definitely
missing. There was no trust and not the ability to rely on him, I was the strength in that
relationship, in terms of the umm, getting things done, and the daily grind. And the social Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 56
commitments that we had, that was all me doing that. And it’s tiring, and I didn’t want to
be the only one doing it.
Jo’s comments about roles and responsibilities are stated in the following excerpt:
Stacey: How would you describe intimacy with men? How is it similar or different to
intimacy with women?
Jo: [pause] Well, I can’t really compare it actually. Umm, I felt more the, I guess, I felt
more “the mother” with men, more like that was like the characteristic sense I had about
it. There was this sort of mothering aspect to how they felt about me, umm, and I guess I
didn’t want to show like a masculine strength in myself towards a man.
Stacey: Or what would happen?
Jo: Uh, that they’d be really turned off by that, probably, in my mind.
Stacey: And when you say “mothering,” are you speaking emotionally? Or like
practically, like care taking?
Jo: Both, I think. Yah, the care-taking thing, I seem to get myself into that role, which I
didn’t like to find myself there, and, felt the balance of power was not equal. This is in my
mind, because I don’t think that it was forced on me in any way, by any of the men that I
chose to be with. It was sort of more something that was going on in my head.
Stacey: What do you mean when you say the balance of power was different? What kinds
of things are you talking about?
Jo: I dunno. Being brought up in a very traditional kind of family. Three brothers had
expectations of what girls do and what boys do. Umm, what was expected of me and what
wasn’t, or was expected of them, you know, I felt that there was a big gap between how I
was treated and how they were treated. And what was expected of them, or what was Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 57
expected of me, I think I brought that into my relationships with men. And I couldn’t get
away from that, didn’t feel equal.
Stacey: That’s interesting. So, there’s a difference in power, and there’s a difference
around expectations about being maybe typically feminine, like not showing strengths and
that kind of thing, and being more nurturing and doing more of the care taking. Do you
see any of that in lesbian relationships?
Jo: Umm, yah, I think I do find myself probably taking on certain things that would be the
same in my marriage, but not having the same feeling about it.
Pam added her impressions about roles and responsibilities in relationships:
I think heterosexual couples have become so culturalized by what we hear and what we
see and accepted gender roles and things like that, that I mean, a lot of the couples that I
work with and talk to are really very unhappy in their heterosexual relationship. And I
don’t think it has to be that way, but I don’t think it’s because they’re heterosexual. I think
it’s because of some of the cultural ways, the roles and things like that. And so you don’t
have as defined roles, there’s more flexibility and, I mean I don’t feel like I have to play
any role, and you know, Erica doesn’t either. We always get, “What role are you
playing?” and that’s one thing I love, we don’t have to play a particular role. And I think
heterosexual people often feel compelled to stay within those boxes. And I think that’s a
detriment to intimacy.
In another excerpt of her interview, she touched on this idea again:
Stacey: So, it’s like gay and lesbian couples have more opportunity to enhance their
relationships, if they can work through the struggles?
Pam: Absolutely. But I think any of us do, heterosexual couples too, but I think that, I Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 58
don’t think heterosexual couples feel the permission to do that, as much as, because there
is more, I think, maybe an inbred flexibility that’s inherent by the nature of the
relationships, and that there’s not such rigidly defined boundaries for, “this is the way it’s
gotta be,” and even though you see some couples playing boundary roles, but that’s out of
their choice, not out of, “This is the way it’s gotta be because you’re a man and you’re a
woman,” which happens a lot of the other time.
Partner selection. The women in this study describe different criteria, or a different ordering of criteria, when choosing male or female partners. Some participants acknowledge that similarity in values and backgrounds, regardless of gender, are important in choosing a potential partner. However, they also report that less consideration was given to potential for family support and parenting when selecting a female partner. They also suggested that there is less emphasis on attractiveness in lesbian relationships. The following excerpt is from an interview with Sandy during which she spoke about partner selection.
Sandy: Well, I do think that that business of reproduction, I know it’s less though now
because some lesbian couples get together and decide that they’re going to have a family,
but I don’t think that they get together in order to have a family. Whereas I think a lot of
heterosexual people get together with that order of business on their minds. So, they’re
screening for, not only personal compatibility, but also parental and familial
compatibility, which is a larger screen. So, you know, it’s a harder screening to get
through. So, maybe people are giving up on, maybe the personal [inaudible] the way that
Paul and I did, or sexual or emotional, you have way more things that you’re trying to
balance because I think that is the business of heterosexual marriage. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 59
Stacey: And what do you think that somebody would be looking for in a mate? Like, for reproduction, what kind of things maybe?
Sandy: Well, I think similar values on child rearing, for instance. Umm, a family that looks like they’ve brought up their child, now that you’re about to be partners, in the way that you think a child should be brought up. So you’re looking at the family to see what their values are, you’re looking at issues of class, issues of economy, umm, can this person support a child, support a family? Umm, will they be supportive, not only economically, but also in terms of discipline, in terms of promoting certain values for the child. Are you compatible with their family? Their siblings? Is this a good, because this is going to be part of your family, and would the partner like your family? There’s so many little things that you’re trying to pull together. So the problems actually end up being greater.
Stacey: So, if heterosexual couples when they get together when they’re choosing a mate, if their sort of first order of business is about reproduction.
Sandy: I think it’s definitely one of the orders, and people will have those things ordered differently.
Stacey: Okay. And if, and you mentioned earlier and that, you know, typically lesbian couples may not get together because, I mean, they may, but that’s not the primary thing that brings them together.
Sandy: Yah. It may, but I think not. I think that’s an unusual couple that would do that.
Stacey: So, then how would mate selection differ? For a lesbian.
Sandy: I think it’s simply personal. People are selecting mates based on personal compatibility. They’re not looking at a person’s family to see if they’re going to get along Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 60
with the family, they don’t care. It would be nice, but it’s not something that’s essential to
get together with another woman, I think. You may never even meet the family, you
know?
Stacey: So, how come it would be more important in a heterosexual relationship with
children, than it would be in a lesbian relationship?
Sandy: Because I think the rearing of children is something that is done much more
collectively so that one, if that family lives in the vicinity, you will be exposing your kids
to that family, and that family will be exposed to your kids but also you’re looking at how
that family brought up the person so you can judge whether that’s a good family for your
kids to be exposed to, is that family going to be supportive of you and your kids, it’s may
more meshed, I think than, you know even though it may not be something people are
conscious of, I do believe that’s on the screen. Like some people ignore it at their peril,
‘cause that’s very hard then.
Jo had similar comments about choosing a female partner for personal fulfillment.
…. I was not happy in my marriage, we’d had a very difficult time immigrating to Canada, there were a lot things I was not happy about my husband, and umm, I didn’t find it easy to talk to him, I didn’t find him responsive, and I [inaudible] to work together to move forward together, I didn’t feel that, and I realized that that wasn’t going to happen. And it was when I realized that that wasn’t gonna happen, it was when I decided to pursue what made me feel good. And do what makes me feel good.
Less emphasis on attractiveness in lesbian relationships. With regard to the role of attractiveness in lesbian relationships, the participants’ comments reflected that they felt more Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 61 confident and secure with their bodies and their sexuality with women. In the following excerpt,
Kelly described a level of comfort with her partner.
Kelly: But I would say a huge thing, and I was very aware of it when I got together with
my partner Cindy, I really felt much more comfortable in my body, as a woman, as a
sexual being with a woman than I ever did with a man. And it’s because I actually
believed her when she said she liked my body or, and I didn’t realize that I didn’t believe
men, until it was said. So, in that way [trails off]
Stacey: What do you attribute that to?
Kelly: Why did I believe her?
Stacey: Yah.
Kelly: Because she was a woman. I don’t have another word for that about what that
means.
Brenda had the following comments in this excerpt:
Brenda: …Like I think some people think, “well, lesbian relationships are exactly like het
relationships,” really doesn’t know. I also think body issues, body image for women in
lesbian relationships is really different from het relationships, definitely aging is really
different, umm,
Stacey: How so?
Brenda: Cuz I think that lesbian communities in general don’t have the same stuff around
only young and thin is beautiful that so many gay male communities and het communities
have, you know, I don’t think we have the same stuff around, “oh, I’ve gotta get a nose
job, a boob job, a tummy tuck, all that stuff.” I don’t think there’s that kind of pressure,
umm, I mean, my observation is that older lesbians have no trouble umm, getting new Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 62
partners, if they’re really, you know, looking. Umm, and that we have a much broader
sense of what’s beautiful. I don’t know if that’s true in younger lesbians, certainly in my
age group I think we have way more reasonable expectations of what women are
supposed to look like, I think stuff like that is really different.
In another excerpt she touched on health issues and the difference in standards of attractiveness.
Brenda: I mean, again, if you have breast cancer, the assumption is that you’re
heterosexual, and that you care a lot about your husband’s response to your mastectomy.
Umm, like I think lesbians are way freer to make decisions about how we respond to
mastectomies as erotic or not or, you know, again, this isn’t my own personal experience,
but I’ve talked to and read about many lesbians who’ve uhh, either not had reconstructive
surgery and have made that part of their erotic life, you know, if they have one breast or
not, and I think a lot of lesbians in relationships who’ve had breast cancer, again, their
partners are way more loyal and,
Stacey: Less emphasis on attractiveness, or a more open idea about what’s attractive?
Brenda: Yah! And less, okay, tits and ass, that’s what’s attractive kind of thing, way more
openness.
As it has already been noted, the socio-political changes and the legalization of same-sex marriage in Canada may have an effect on how gay men and lesbian women structure their relationships. Consequently, partner selection processes for gay men and lesbian women may also change as same-sex marriage evolves.
Challenges of Heterosexual Relationships
The women in this study described challenges in heterosexual relationships from their points of view. The challenges that they highlighted in their interviews included a different Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 63 distribution of power in heterosexual relationships, and pressure from family and extended social networks to conform to certain standards of behaviour and lifestyle. As outlined in the sections above, the women also described a kind of emotional dissonance with their male partners. They describe the latter as the principal challenge they faced in heterosexual relationships.
Emotional dissonance in heterosexual relationships. As outlined in the prior sections, the women interviewed for this study described differences in intimacy and communication in their heterosexual and lesbian relationships. Specifically, they described an intense sense of intimacy in their relationships with women. Conversely, they related that they felt emotionally out of sync with their male partners, and that intimacy suffered as a result. All the respondents highlighted this emotional dissonance with their male partners as the biggest challenge and drawback to heterosexual relationships. However, most noted that they although they did not reach the same levels of emotional intimacy with men, they believed that women and men could achieve fully developed intimacy and be best friends. They also acknowledged that they had been married to men earlier in their development, and that their own emotional maturity level may have been more developed in their later relationships with women. In the following excerpt, Jo talked about the difference in awareness and processing of emotion in her same sex and opposite relationships.
Jo: I think it in some ways, it’s connected to uh, not feeling any fear. It feels as though I
don’t feel any fear about revealing myself with this person and it’s probably more of an
intimacy that I’ve developed with myself, you know, that I’m able to bring into my
relationship with my partner. And I was developing that when I was still married, you
know, that side of myself and I found that uh, I wasn’t able to reach my husband in that
way. So, I’m thinking that uhh, in my experience, I’ve only been able to reach that
intimacy with women. And on reflection, you know, I have experienced intimacy with Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 64
women, friends, not necessarily with lovers, you know, with friends and uhmm, and I
think that’s often been the problem with me and men, is I haven’t found that intimacy.
Hanna was married to a man for eight years and had two children. Carla was married to men twice. The first marriage lasted one year, and the second was ten years in duration. They had the following comments:
Carla: I guess there’s a deeper connection [in lesbian relationships]
Hanna: I think there’s definitely a deeper connection. I guess, heterosexual couples would
have the same connection, really, because when you’re in love, you’re connected. So, I
think that a majority of heterosexual relationships would have the same type of
connection, well, or based on the same…
Carla: Principle
Hanna: Yah
Power imbalance. Most of the participants’ described a power differential between themselves and their male partners that did not exist to the same degree in their relationships with women. Brenda described this discrepancy and pointed out that she does not identify the same expectations of her heterosexual relationships in her relationship with her partner, Anne. For example, she demonstrated that they share responsibilities more equally, and that there is less
“conscious work” involved. In the following excerpt, Brenda spoke about the power imbalance:
Brenda: I don’t think I had any expectations that my partner was going to protect me in
any way. I don’t know if I ever thought a man was going to protect me, but there’s no
cultural script that says this woman partner is going to protect me, so I feel like I have
more personal autonomy and more like I rely on myself rather than on my partner.
Stacey: So, do you think that’s a strength? Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 65
Brenda: Yah, I do. You know, we’re the same height, it’s not there’s this big, tall man who’s gonna wrap me in his arms and be sugar daddy and take care of me, you know?
We’re the same height. I’m older than she is. We do come from different class and ethnic backgrounds and stuff, but I think we’re much more evenly, we just expect to be more even, we don’t expect there to be that kind of power dynamic, I think inevitably is between men and women.
Stacey: And what was your sense of power dynamics when you were married to a man?
Brenda: Well, number one, he made more money than I did, he was always going to make more money than I was ever going to make. That was one, he was older, and I think that makes a difference. He had that sense of male privilege, umm, he just expected that, I mean he didn’t expect dinner on the table, he wasn’t that kind a you know, “hey woman,” at all, but he just expected that I would just fit in to his way of thinking, he didn’t expect that he would have to fit into my way of thinking. Just a, yah, kind of expectation that the world was organized around him and his standards. Umm, and we certainly had different areas of expertise and he knew all about electronics and all about cars, and I didn’t, uhmmm, and I think, you know, like I was much more, he had a thing about taking care of waifs, he could be the big white knight and I was definitely a waif, [laughter] I was really out of it, and he could rescue me and he was like, I mean, he did it! And then, and that was fine until I had a sense of myself and didn’t want that anymore, kind of taking care of me in a way. And but, it’s a power that that he had on me, like a parental power, ummm, whereas Ann and I, we’ve never had that. I mean, I don’t make the money now, but we always made about the same amount of money and everything was always 50/50, right down the middle. Umm, neither one of us really takes care of the other one, or we both Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 66
do, or it’s not like that. And again, I mean Bob and I had a child together, so we had our
issues as parents, and I suppose, yah we had a child together and Ann and I have cats
together. Somebody should do a study on the function of cats and dogs in a lesbian
relationship [laughter].
Social pressure and conformity. According to the participants, along with the status and privilege that they describe as being part of a heterosexual marriage, there is pressure to conform to certain standards and expectations. Sandy stated, “ I think heterosexual relationships are way more family involved than lesbian relationships. Not to say that lesbian relationships don’t involve family, but it’s totally expected that heterosexual relationships will be involved with extended family.” Brenda also discussed the impact of the environment on heterosexual couples.
Brenda: Yah... you know what’s the most different for me, it’s not actually in the
relationship, it’s in the whole social outside context, the way the outside world impinges
on you. And that’s exactly why I stopped wanting to be in relationships with men. It
wasn’t so much my husband that was the problem, I mean he’s sweet, or the individual
men, it was the whole social organization of heterosexual relationships that I just couldn’t
bear. I think het life is really stultified and boring and not nearly as much fun as lesbian
life. I think lesbians have way more fun and it’s not even so much in our individual
partnerships but in our wider friendship circles and the organizations that we belong to
and the things we do together, umm, and the kind of caring that lesbians have for each
other, the whole social universe for lesbians is so different. You know, and even with
homophobia and hassles sometimes, to me that’s so much better.
Stacey: Because lesbians, if they choose, or if they’re connected they have that
community. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 67
Brenda: The community is so much richer. I just think het stuff is boring.
Stacey: What kinds of things are you talking about? Like what’s your experience?
Brenda: Couple A invites couple B to dinner, and then couple B invites couple A to
dinner and then on Saturdays you go to the mall, you know, and have kids and then mow
the lawn. I think that that is such a boring life. And I know that’s not all het relationships.
Jo also talked about the rigidity involved in heterosexual relationships from her experience, and she specifically mentioned sex as an example.
Stacey: What challenges do you think heterosexual couples face?
Jo: The first thing that comes to mind is sex. I think sexually they’re just not as
interesting; they don’t have an open mind about sex. That’s just my experience. I think
there are heterosexual couples that do, there are adventurers, and um, that’s one of the
things that first came to mind. I don’t think heterosexual couples have got a lot of hang-
ups about it. When I became lesbian I had to sort of do a lot of thinking about my
sexuality, which I didn’t do when I was young, younger, and although I was I would say,
sort of averagely adventurous when I was in a heterosexual relationship. I certainly
wasn’t, you know, umm, more open about it, open about it now. Just more comfortable,
more relaxed. I am just trying to think why that is. I think just sort of being a minority sort
of forces you to know yourself better in some way. Umm
Stacey: Is it, I wonder if scripts have anything to do with it?
Jo: Yah, I think there’s a lot of sort of information on how you should be, how things
should be, the influence of t.v. and magazines and I think being lesbian you’ve got to be
pretty strong-minded about who you are, whereas heterosexuality, I think it’s easy to
become part of the herd. The same as everyone else. I think that’s one of the big things. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 68
I’m an artist and have always like a little bit on the different side and had to kind of fight
for my differences in different ways and that’s another sort of minority, so it wasn’t too
much of a swing for me. Uhh. thinking individually. And I think that’s one of the
challenges heterosexuals have, although I’m talking on a very broad...
Challenges of Lesbian Relationships
Perhaps it is not surprising that the respondents in this study identified homophobia and heterosexism as the primary challenges that lesbian woman in relationships face. About half of the women highlighted other challenges such as financial security as an issue.
Economic challenges. Economic challenges may be more connected to gender and class than to sexual orientation. For example, approximately half of the participants discussed that they had less total income in their relationships with women, and that their husbands had more earning potential. Sandy elaborated on this issue.
So, and the other thing, if you’re a woman, is you have a guy making more money,
usually, I mean it’s not true for everybody, it’s true for me, and there’s a lot more money,
so there’s a lot more security. Whew, never worried about that thing, ever. Money was
not an issue. Never was, never would be, that was gone. Security, huge, security.
With regard to higher incomes being a benefit of heterosexual relationships, Hanna had this to say:
Financial, to some degree, because my husband was making way more money than
what either one of us do. Um, so, Carla’s husband makes the same, he makes lots of
money, so financially certainly made a difference.
In the following excerpt, Brenda talked about the benefits and disadvantages of class and money for lesbians: Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 69
Brenda: …and it also helps to have a little bit of money. I mean, we are middle class now,
and that’s really different I think. You can pad yourself with some protection.
Stacey: What do you mean? What kinds of things?
Brenda: Umm, you have better housing, you can live in a better community, you know in
a neighbourhood that’s less violent, in general, so that as women, we have kind of more
protection. You know, you have a car, you don’t have to stand on a street corner waiting
for a bus late at night, umm, yah, so I think money makes things easier. I really do. I
mean, it’s too bad that that’s the way it is. And I think that working class dykes might
have very different experiences.
Stacey: What makes you say that?
Brenda: Umm, I guess with the kinds of conversations I’ve had with working class dykes,
who’ve made me very aware that my, I mean to me, life is pretty pleasant and pretty easy,
and, I have a comfort level, that they don’t always have. And I also, I don’t have, you
know, drugs alcohol abuse issues, you know not picking on working class, but that’s just
another way in which that’s way easier. Or childhood sexual abuse issues, [inaudible]
with their partner, so we’re both pretty privileged in that way, you know umm, we don’t
live in a tough environment, so just life in general is just easier, so less stress and less
stress in the relationship, you know, I don’t come in the house having walked past some
tough guys on the corner or something. Because our lives are more comfortable, there’s
an ease in the relationship.
Approximately half of the women talked about the fact that they had less money in lesbian relationships than in heterosexual relationships. However, it is difficult to surmise the effects of gender and sexual and orientation. Having lower incomes, for the few who reported it, may be Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 70 due to their gender rather than to their sexual orientation. The participants also discussed that having more financial resources reduces stress and increase comfort for a couple, regardless of couple type.
Homophobia and heterosexism. All of the women in this study described that homophobia and heterosexism affected them or their relationships to varying degrees. It is also important to note that the women described that outside forces, such as homophobia and a lack of positive role models who are lesbian, had both positive and negative effects on their lesbian relationships. The majority explained that unless the issues of discrimination and homophobia were consciously examined and worked out in the relationship, they could have a destructive impact. However, most concluded that, with awareness, the challenges that they faced could be fruitful for the relationship. For example, consider what Jo discussed, in the following excerpt, with regard to the effects of homophobia and heterocentrism on relationships:
Stacey: How do you think this impacts your relationship? Like, dealing with these
stressors and other people and their feelings about it and their reactions to it?
Jo: It has an impact, because emotionally it affects each of us, and um, you know we
are able to talk about it, we sort of talk through it, but um, you know, until we talk
through it, there is this sort of, you know, holding this emotional disturbance, trying to
figure it out, you know, I mean that’s partly where I find myself becoming reclusive, you
know, and trying to figure out what the hell’s going on here, and trying to figure out
myself and different scenarios going through my mind and feeling sort of sick about what
my thoughts are about it, and until I actually get it out and discuss it with her, then I’m in
my own little world, you know, I’m in my own bubble and I don’t, I can’t communicate
very well, ‘cause I don’t really know in my mind, I have to get through it myself, and Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 71
then be able to speak about it and I’ve kind of had some thoughts. So, yah, it has an
impact, so emotionally I’m withdrawn, sexually I’m not interested and so yah, it most
definitely has to be worked out.
Stacey: Yah, it’s an interesting question and I just noticed that in talking to people and in
reading that it’s sort of different for everybody. Some people say it’s actually positive,
like it brings us closer together.
Jo: Yah.
Stacey: And then other people say well, no, it kind of undermines our relationship and
erodes the intimacy and…
Jo: I would say that it does both, actually. I would say, it has potential of causing more
damage, but if you can get to a certain place in your mind about how you want to respond
to it, and then talk it through, then there is like a relief that you’ve got through about
something about it. And the other person understands what you’ve been thinking or you
know, understands what you’ve been going through with it.
Sandy’s discussion revealed that outside factors could be harmful to a lesbian relationship, but to a lesser degree than is suggested in the literature:
Sandy: Yah, internally, but externally, of course there’s just regular old homophobia
kicking around in the world and inside lesbians, so there’s always a little bit of that, like
moving into this neighbourhood for instance, umm, we think the people across the street
are a little homophobic so, you know, if we’d been a heterosexual couple, oh, we
probably would have had them over for dinner or something, or a drink, but you know,
they kind of say hi but they don’t say hi, so, there’s that and just the way you fit in, for Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 72 instance, into a neighbourhood. Umm, and the way that that feels, you know, accepted or not accepted, you know, comfortable or not comfortable.
Stacey: And how does that impact the relationship?
Sandy: Umm, well, I don’t think it’s noticeable, exactly, except that if you think that if this was a heterosexual relationship, I mean we would have had these people over which would have been a natural, so that it’s not unfriendly, like in general, they seem like nice people, but if we would have had them over for a glass of wine, then our feelings of belonging in this neighbourhood would have been enhanced. Our feeling of being a genuinely acceptable as a couple, as we were, because now this couple is coming to our house and approved of us, by coming to our house and having wine together and we all
“ha-ha-ha” together, then you just get a better feel of being right in your self. I think when you feel kind of like wrong in the neighbourhood, not that you feel wrong, but it’s something subtle, faint. I don’t necessarily think it affects the relationship. But the effect is in the other direction, that it would be enhanced otherwise. That your feeling of being a couple would be applauded, whereas there’s an absence. So, it’s not terrible, but it’s something to note.
Stacey: Kind of like the icing on the cake?
Sandy: Yah
Stacey: It’s not a negative, it’s not going to devastate the relationship if you don’t have that kind of support in your community, but it’s nice to have it. And it’s validating.
Sandy: Yah. That’s right. Yah. So, I think that’s another issue. And well, homophobia, if a family is homophobic, and let’s say an individual has a parent die and they go back for the funeral but their partner doesn’t come, that has a strain on a relationship because then Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 73
it’s not inclusive it doesn’t feel as “coupley,” some things have to be done exclusively, if
parents come to visit, you know, there’s a whole range of things that happen to lesbian
couples that aren’t umm, don’t enhance the relationship, but put a strain on it because
there’s a piece of homophobia somewhere in their milieu somewhere. So that’s another
thing that can happen.
Stacey: So, would you say, is it similar, like you were talking about the neighbour, and
it’s like okay, that’s not going to hurt us that they don’t come over for wine and cheese,
but with the family, that hurts a little bit more, that can damage the relationship a little
bit?
Sandy: Yah, I think that there can be that, not necessary, but when somebody feels left out
of an important event in the other person’s life, like a funeral or a marriage, or whatever it
is, they’re left out, so they, there’s just a little bit of pulling away, it doesn’t enhance the
togetherness. And it can make people feel, um, estranged.
Karen expressed a similar sentiment when she talked about the challenges that lesbian couples face. Although she has been with her partner for eleven years, her partner’s family has not included her in family events. However, she does not feel that their lack of support is completely destructive for the relationship.
Kelly: Uh, discrimination and lack of acceptance, with extended family and the wider
social circle.
Stacey: How do you think that impacts the relationship?
Kelly: I think it’s uuh, probably in a number of ways, but one way I would say that is, I
find people are often, or in my experience, torn between if they have a family that doesn’t
accept their daughter’s a lesbian, my partner’s a lesbian, and that I’m her partner, um, she Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 74 ends up having to dance between us. And that makes it, that puts an extra strain on the relationship that wouldn’t be there for a heterosexual relationship that is acknowledged and accepted and appreciated all the time in lots of ways.
Stacey: And how would that play out if there was that strain, or that tug of war, or her feeling like they had to make a choice?
Kelly: Do you want an example? Or what do you want?
Stacey: Yah, like how specifically would that impact the relationship?
Kelly: Well, I think umm, with my experience, my partner ends up having to do that dance, sometimes. And so how it plays out, well, she feels challenged by it because for example, her family doesn’t include me. And so family events I’m not invited to. And so, it’s hard for her to go, if I’m not invited. And it’s hard for her not to go. So, she does that dance, and then if she goes, and even just the struggle, like I feel, like I’m left behind, left out and not included, and where’s her commitment? And I know in my head, but that feeling like “Oh, you know,” So, in that way it can play out.
Stacey: So, it can potentially sort of erode the trust maybe?
Kelly: Yes, I think it can umm, I think with us, well sometimes I would feel like less partnered grappling with it. I’m able to stand back most of the time and say, “Okay, well you’ve got to deal with what you’ve got to deal with, with these people. It’s your thing.
But it would be nice to just be accepted and be invited and be included and it would feel good and it would make us feel closer but there’s always that division that’s happening, where it’s her family, like for example, we recently bought a place and her family said, and we’ve been together 11 years, and she said, “Well, who bought it? You or her?” And Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 75
so what my partner realized is that she’s continually having to come out to them every
time she talks to them, because they’re always sort of separating, making that distinction.
…
Yah. It would take away one challenge that we wouldn’t have to grapple with. And it
would be nice, it would be really nice to have that kind of acceptance and
acknowledgment and inclusion and yah. I mean, we work our way through it, but it would
be nice if wasn’t there.
Stacey: Yah, I can imagine it would be validating
Kelly: Yah!
Primarily, the woman who told their stories expressed sadness that their relationships are not celebrated and validated by their families or the larger community. Brenda, 62, spoke of this in the following excerpt:
Brenda: … umm, but I think there’s not a lot of cultural glue that holds lesbian
relationships together. You know, we don’t have that kind of support from…
Stacey: Support from friends, peers, family,
Brenda: Yah, the newspapers, anything, umm, there’s not that kind of cultural support for
staying together, there’s not that many counsellors around, especially in a small town, for
God’s sake, who know anything about lesbian issues. That’s why I think someone going
into counselling/psych has got some understanding, some experience and some
knowledge. In Victoria, there’s not that many great counsellors, I mean there’s some, but
not that many who are really good for lesbian relationships…
Stacey: How do you think that affects a lesbian relationship, being steeped in the larger
culture, where it’s very heterosexist and people assume and every song on the radio is Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 76
about hetero-love relationships, you know, every movie that comes out or. Does that have
an impact, and what kind of impact does it have?
Brenda: Well, I think it does, but I think it’s not always the same one and I think it’s
different for women who’ve always felt like they were lesbians, well, they didn’t always
have that word, women who always knew they weren’t quite heterosexual in that way
because then it affects you as a child when you’re really vulnerable, you know. I,
basically, I became a lesbian through the movement, so like an adult, I mean I’m one of
those old fashioned lesbians from the 70’s. You know, I was an adult and I already had
my sense of myself intact, and I had a whole movement and a literature ideology beyond
me, so I think it’s really different. But I think it’s still you’re fighting the cultural tides,
like if you get to have an opinion about lesbians, you get to have an opinion on whether
you think they’re okay or not, I think that’s huge. That, where do other people get to have
opinions about, you know, where do other people get to think, “I’m really progressive
because I don’t mind being in the same room with one,” you know, I think that’s really
heavy and [sighs], on some level that seeps in, you know, [tears up] I think I’m pretty
immune to a lot of it, but I’m obviously not. And I think that, there’s a way you have to
build up your self-confidence, which can be a bridge ‘cause you do have to build it up.
You can’t just be, you know, you have to kind of bring some thought to your life and
that’s nice. I mean umm, but like we’ve said before, it takes energy.
Brenda spoke of the different kinds of support that women receive, depending on their relationship involvement. She stated:
…and I see that the kinds of help networks than we have are way better than the kinds
heterosexual women have for each other, like if somebody is, there’s a break up, or Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 77
somebody’s really sick, or somebody’s having mental breakdowns or poverty, we’re
there. You know we create these amazing support circles around women. Umm, and I
don’t think, I just haven’t seen it, not saying it doesn’t exist, but I haven’t seen it in the
heterosexual women that I know. You know, they don’t get that kind of support from their
community. Ummm, if they’re widowed or divorced they’re out of it. Or they fall through
the poverty cracks. I don’t see their friends coming around and helping them in a
systematic way like we do. So to me that’s really impressive. And we have these, you
know, I think, funner parties and kind of more interesting ways of relating to each other.
She went on to talk about dealing with homophobia and heterosexism:
.... One of the things I’ve learned in my life, I can either, like when things get tough, I can
either sort of draw the circle sort of just around myself, and it’s just me against you, and
me against the world, or I can draw the circle around both of us. And I think that thing of
drawing it [chokes up, sobs] I can feel it, it’s really moving in a way, learning to draw it
around my partner and me.
Relationship Satisfaction Across Couples Types
According to the participants, relationship satisfaction is somewhat similar regardless of relationship type. Their responses to questions about the nature of relationship satisfaction in heterosexual relationships stressed social support and acceptance, intimacy, compatibility, and security (i.e., financial and social support). Specifically, they outlined that intimacy in both heterosexual and lesbian relationships include honesty, trust, commitment, caring, respect, and humour. Lesbian relationships are similar, they contended. However, they also described an emphasis on emotional connection and intimacy, high levels of communication, and more equal sharing of responsibilities. Another interesting point is that six participants thought that mutual Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 78 goals were part of relationship satisfaction in both couples, but that goals were prioritized differently in heterosexual and lesbian relationships. For example, several women described that in their heterosexual relationships, there was an emphasis on having and rearing children and on acquisition of material goods. Tina, age 46, was with Brian, a police officer, for 18 years. In this excerpt, she described a conversation she had over lunch with a friend recently.
Tina: …So she says, “You’re back to the Tina I knew when I first met you.” She says,
“You’re confident,” and I said, “Why is that?” And she said, “Yah, well, Brian always
had to have what Brian wanted and you, it’s not nice, but you allowed it,” But how
couldn’t I? I mean, he was the one making more money. I was the one home for even a
while. I worked part time even when the kids were born, nonetheless, he was the one that
was the “breadwinner.” So, yah. And he was very spoiled and demanding with his
material items. Huge guilt over things that he’d want. “I’m buying a new truck.” “Well,
no, we can’t afford it.” Next day, honestly, he drove in the driveway with a new truck.”
Stacey: Mmm. Whoa.
Tina: “I’m having that truck.”
Stacey: That’s huge.
Tina: Ya see? So, it’s like, people said, “That’s a cop thing.” Oh, no, I saw friends that
have husbands the same way, they gotta have their toys, they gotta have this, they gotta
look like they’re having more fun than the guy next door and you know?
The following excerpts illustrate the participants’ experiences of relationship satisfaction in heterosexual and lesbian couples in general.
Stacey: What kinds of things contribute to relationship satisfaction in a lesbian
relationship? Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 79
Hanna: Honesty, commitment
Carla: Trust, a sense of “ha ha.”
Stacey: [laugh] I agree that’s very important
Carla: Hanna has a really good sense of humour.
Hanna: When I can remember what humour is, ya, menopause. The love connection. I
think when we first connection, it was, I don’t know, just so strong. I’d never felt that
before.
…
Stacey: Well, what things do you think contribute to relationship satisfaction in a
heterosexual relationship?
Carla: Trust, honesty… [laughter]
[laughter all around]
Stacey: I can see where this is going
Carla: I think family support, um money. I think a lot of the same things, sense of
security.
Stacey: In what sense, like emotional? Financial?
Carla: All of them. If you don’t have a good sense of security in your financial aspect of
your relationship, then that puts a strain on your emotional security, because a lot of
couples fight over money, and it can be deadly.
In response to the question about relationship satisfaction, Jo stated,
Can I just, before I answer that, I was just thinking of something, you know in relation to
these two extremes, you know, there’s my husband and then there was my lover and um,
my husband was very to difficult to know, very reserved, very uh, unemotional, or didn’t Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 80
show it, he obviously has his feelings, they would come out at times, but you know, very
difficult to access and umm, we were very kind of disconnected at the time when I found
someone else. And I don’t think that umm, it wasn’t the fact that I’d suddenly found that I
was attracted to women and wanted to be a lesbian, that I was going off with this woman,
it was the fact that I was not emotionally involved with someone and uh, and she brought
that out for me. So that was a major thing.
Benefits of Heterosexual and Lesbian Relationships
The women who were interviewed highlighted different benefits for each relationship type. The main benefits for heterosexual couples from their perspective are that there is more social support and acceptance, and that there may be more financial resources. While the benefits they identified included robust intimacy and communication with their partner, more freedom, autonomy, and as a result of both of those factors, better sex.
Social support and acceptance for heterosexual couples. All of the participants stressed that the major benefit of heterosexual relationships, from their perspective, is the social support for and celebration of heterosexual partnerships. Pam, who lives in the United States, discussed some of the benefits of being in a heterosexual relationship.
Pam: Um, well the benefits are about a-thousand-plus rights that you have when you’re
able to marry legally in the United States. Those are certainly benefits. Umm, another
benefit is being made to feel like you’re legitimate, that’s an automatic benefit that you
get from being heterosexual. People will attend your wedding even if they’ve never met
you in their life and you’re the long lost cousin. And if you’re gay or lesbian, your mother
and dad who know you intensely and deeply and intimately may refuse to attend your
wedding, you know? So, you have some automatic built in things from having a Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 81
heterosexual relationship. I mean, you can have the crummiest relationship in the world
and be welcome to your family Christmas party because you’re married. Even if you’re a
jerk, you still get to go. You can be the nicest gay and lesbian couple in the world and not
be able to go, because they don’t believe that your relationship is valid. So, you know,
you just get a lot of built in things just by being heterosexual that you didn’t deserve, you
didn’t earn, you just get ‘em as automatic. It’s kind of like playing Monopoly and getting
$200 ‘cause you passed “Go.” You get it, whether you deserve it or not. That’s the rules
of the game and that’s just the way it is. So you know, I think you could just go on and
on, making a list of those kinds of thing, that you get benefits.
Brenda describes some of the benefits of heterosexual relationships as follows.
Well, you never have to explain how you got that way, you know, you know you never
have to worry about, “oh, they’re going to find out,” [laugh], like what’s the repercussions
going to be, what’s the school going to think? Is my child going to suffer? You know?
Uhh, I mean to me, that’s the main benefit, is that it’s so normalized. Umm, you never
open your newspaper and find that some church person thinks that you’re the spawn of
the devil. Your existence is never called controversial. Umm, I mean, they don’t even
know how much privilege they have because nobody’s ever challenged their
heterosexuality in that way.
During her interview, Sandy also discussed the benefits of social support in heterosexual relationships:
Stacey: What do you think, what are the positive aspects or benefits of being in a
heterosexual relationship?
Sandy: Well, the benefits are the wine and cheese [with the neighbours], of course. And Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 82 the approval, the constant approval, which is always solidifying your feelings of being okay, in yourself and in the world. You fit. That’s it, you fit. And there is a comfortable place to be. It’s a nice feeling, there’s a very big approval thing going on. All the time.
Everyday, every time you say, “I’m Mrs. Somebody,” or “My husband,” or people see you together. You know, it’s like wheeling a small baby on the street. People love it. They love you, they love the baby, you are just like the shining star. That’s it when you’re in a heterosexual couple; you are the shining star, all the time.
Stacey: The bride, the glorious bride, all that. It’s so funny, I was on the ferry this morning with my friend who had a baby and I was walking beside her and,
Sandy: They go nuts, they go nuts!
Stacey: And I was like, “Is this typical?”
Sandy: Totally typical.
Stacey: Wow.
Sandy: People stop, they want to be part of that experience of the baby, and they want to be part of that experience of the heterosexual couple. It doesn’t matter if they’re an old couple, or a new couple or a couple in dungarees. It’s a couple. It means the world is all right. It’s like it’s always a sign that the world is all right. I mean not necessarily for lesbians, but for the vast majority, like 80% of the world or whatever it is, when they see a heterosexual couple the world is all right. They go nuts for that feeling, the baby, the hetero couple, the kids, young couple kissing; the world is as it should be, turning over in that reproductive cycle. So, if you’re at the centre of that, you’re getting a ton of good feeling. That’s an amazing feeling.
Stacey: Support and validation Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 83
Sandy: It’s validation, support, cheers, applause, everything. That’s not true, of course, if
you’re fighting with your husband at the time. It’s good. It’s good to be saying,
“husband,” it’s good to be saying, “wife.” Everybody loves you. So a ton of approval, a
ton of security. These are basic needs, they make people feel good. Right? A lot of good
feeling for that. What else, umm, I dunno, recognition, you know
Autonomy in lesbian relationships. The women in this study emphasize freedom and autonomy as some of the key benefits of their same-sex relationships. Interestingly, their reports indicate the heightened intimacy that they experience in their relationships with women does not compromise their independence. They also suggest that the freedom from gender roles in lesbian relationships gives them a sense of self-determination. The following excerpts represent the participants’ experience of intimacy and autonomy:
Brenda: Again, I think it’s less predictable, because there’s no script for it, there’s no
cultural expectations, you know this is what you do when you’re in a relationship. Umm, I
think it’s more creative, I think we have a much stronger sense, our individual self isn’t
completely determined by the relationship. Umm, all the lesbian women I know have
really big lives outside of the relationship, umm, a lot of lesbians have done non-, they
live in non-monogamous relationships [inaudible] and there’s a lot of dramatics with
those. They’ve made a lot of effort to making sure that works out or not. I think,
especially among older women, mostly we all have our own rooms, so you know, we
decide when we want to sleep with our partners. We don’t just assume that okay, now
we’re together we get to sleep together every night. I mean some of that is middle age
back stuff,
Stacey: And snoring problems, etcetera Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 84
Brenda: See what you’ve got to look forward to? [laughter] But umm, I just think we have
way more freedom in how we’re going to relate to each other and how we’re going to
relate to the rest of our friends and the rest of the world, even though we are in
relationships.
Jo had the following comments:
And you know, yah, the couple thing, heterosexual couples, they’re sort of stuck together,
you can’t pry them apart, you know, one place the other person has to go with because
they’re a couple. And you can’t know them as individuals. And I know that that is thought
to be very much a lesbian thing, lesbian couples are one and they don’t have their
individuality and that’s not, you know, I wouldn’t go near that. You know, it’s not
something that I want to, nor a kind of a relationship I want to be in. In fact, I kind of go
the other extreme, and the woman that I’m with is sort of like that to, so we sort of, you
know, we have very much our own paths, but we’re very connected as well. We’re aware
that we both kind of like to have our own space and we do make sure that we are together
as well, but I think one of the things important things that we went through is sort of
knowing that we have freedom within the relationship and uh, I think I didn’t feel that
when I was in my marriage. And that wasn’t him, that was me creating that feeling.
Whatever that was all about. But I think those are similarities. I kind of was changed, and I
found that sort of inherent sense that I need to be an individual, always have needed that,
but have not known how to get it and be with someone.
Brenda made the following observations about intimacy in this excerpt:
Brenda: These are big questions. Well, again, I don’t think all lesbian relationships are the
same, or all lesbians don’t bring the same stuff to it, but ummm, I think that, well like I Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 85 know straight women whose deep friendships are with women, who don’t get that same kind of emotional closeness with men, but they get it with women. And I think that lesbians, or me as a lesbian, there’s a kind of emotional connection that I get with my partner that’s very different than what I would get with any guy, a man. Actually, my husband, the guy I was married to, I like him. We’re friends. He’s a very sweet person.
Stacey: What was the connection like with him?
Brenda: I’m just trying to remember. Emotional connection, it was just not as close. You know, off the record, I think men have something missing. I think they genetically have something missing. [Laughter] I don’t know if I really seriously think that, but emotionally the men I’ve known don’t have the same, whether it’s ability or whether it’s interest, I don’t know, to get to deep emotional connection, except around sex. I’ve just never experienced it. I’ve only experienced it in relation to sex. Whereas, with women, you can get it around sex, but you can get it not around sex.
Stacey: In what other ways would you get it with women?
Brenda: Umm, I guess I find women more receptive to hear about emotionality and more receptive to then also to talking about their own emotionality, so that it’s more of a back and forth exchange and sharing of emotionality, I mean I think that men can be supportive emotionally, but I’ve never had that kind of back and forth interchange of just recognizing the emotional dimension of almost anything. I mean we could be talking about taking out the garbage and it could have a resonance, if you choose to go there and explore those resonances. I don’t know how to say it exactly, cause it’s not very cut and dried.
Stacey: Kind of abstract? Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 86
Brenda: Yah, it’s just easier to get to the heart of emotional stuff with almost any women,
I think.
Sexual intimacy in lesbian relationships. According to the women who were interviewed, emotional connection enhanced their intimacy and contributed to more fulfilling sex. They reported that sex is an important part of relationship satisfaction and that sex is better in their relationships with women. Two participants thought that they had less sex in relationships with women. Interestingly, they had also been in the longest relationships of the group. The following is another excerpt from the interview with Brenda, during which she talked about sex:
Brenda: …with men, sex is fucking, or sex is this and then this and then this, not always,
but, whereas with women, there isn’t any sense of exactly what sex is, you have to kind of
create it and make it up a little bit, you haven’t had a whole life time of people saying well
this how you do sex with women, you know? So you have to kind of be attentive.
Stacey: And what do you think, in your experience, men’s perception of sex is?
Brenda: Basically, you know, foreplay, fucking and a cigarette. Or you know, it’s just
more structured, you know, not always. It’s been a long time, this is all memory. Umm, I
mean I never had sex with a man where they didn’t think that ummm, either fucking or
equivalent, that had to be part of it, and that was the main part of it. [pause] I just think
with women you have more possibilities.
Stacey: It’s not the same equipment, eh?
Brenda: Yah, and it’s not the same culture of equipment. You haven’t seen a million
movies where sex means fucking. You haven’t had a million songs or had a million
people tell you, you know, it’s just, even now it’s way more out there in the world, it’s
not, we haven’t had a whole lifetime of it, of people telling you what sex is. I mean maybe Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 87
younger lesbians do now, but um, I’m in my sixties. I certainly didn’t grow up with
everybody telling me this is how women do it. You know, there was no content to the ‘it’.
I didn’t really know what ‘it’ was. I think you’re just freer to make it up.
Tina articulated her sexual experiences in this way,
Well those [sexual feelings] never happened when I was with a guy, shouldn’t keep using
Brian’s name, poor guy. Um with a guy. But hello! Those feelings did happen when I was
with a woman, so it’s just because you’re, I was more relaxed, umm, I don’t want to say
no inhibitions, ‘cause at first I was hugely, had huge issues around everything that I was
experiencing. But I was way more comfortable, way more confident and everything about
it was just incredible. Like, I can’t even explain it, like in comparison.
Sandy also clarified that the emotional aspects of a relationship enhance the sexual connection.
Um, well, I talked about the fact that for me, umm, the emotional part of the relationship is
really important, and that’s what I feel like I get in this lesbian relationship, so I get tons of
emotional good feelings all the time, lots and lots of touching, lots of loving, lots of
reassurance about loving, that I’m a good person, that I’m a loved person, and that I do
love somebody, like all of that is totally genuine and lovely, and also all of that for me is a
basic part of sexuality. So, I guess I get that, and then I get on top of that the good feelings
about sexuality as well. And better sex.
Ellen also shared about what the nature of intimacy was like in a heterosexual marriage. Her response follows in this excerpt:
Ellen: Well, I’ll be quite candid with you on that, I think that men are much more needy,
sexually. I think they physically need to be sexual, I don’t think it’s as mental a state; I
don’t think it’s a state of mind, as much as it is a need. And women? Whole different Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 88
program. Yah, the needs are there, but there’s an elevated emotional umm, state of mind.
And I say that hands down because although I’ve talked with Kim and Jim, I’ve certainly
had relationships, not living together and all that type of stuff, but had other relationships
with both. So, I’m definitely very firm about that, men are all about the need and the
want, and women have that need, but there’s also an emotional attachment to it.
Stacey: Okay, so with men it’s more just the,
Ellen: Yah. [laugh] I’m sure not all women feel that way, but if they don’t, in my opinion,
and I actually have a lot of gay male friends who actually do comment on this and I’ve
actually read a lot on this, with young boys developing this, there’s a physical need to
release. So, there’s this whole need that works in their system. So, I find that in a
relationship, that they’re knockin’ on the door, so to speak, ‘cause they need it now.
[laugh]
Stacey: Whereas with women there is more of an emotional component?
Ellen: Absolutely, without a doubt.
Stacey: So what’s that like, then, in a relationship with a woman when the emotion and
thoughts and cognitions and the mind are more wrapped up in your sexuality? How does
that change it? How is it different with women?
Ellen: How is what different? How the relationship different? Okay okay,
Stacey: So, like for example,
Ellen: Okay. Way better. [Laughter]
Lesbian Identity Management
For the most part, the women in this study described that they are mainly “out” with friends, families, at work, and in their communities. All reported feeling a sense of pride, courage, Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 89 and of authenticity for expressing themselves and being open with others. Over half of the women recounted that they had experienced, at some point, differences with their partners around disclosure of sexual orientation. They also shared that the discrepancy between themselves and their partner around self-acceptance or the extent of disclosure caused strain on their relationship.
If one or both partners are in the closet, they indicated, it takes energy and attention away from the relationship. Their comments also reflected that, when out and open about their relationship with safe others, the support they receive is validating and enhances their relationship with their partner. Nonetheless, the women who have children report worrying more about repercussions for their children and grandchildren if their sexual orientation is known.
Tina: You know, I would be, you know, I’m going to be 46, and Mary’s just coming up 40
now and she is very much, like I went to hold her hand walking on the sea wall and she
pulled away, I was furious. I thought, “This is bullshit.” Like, I was quite angry about it.
Stacey: Did you take it as a personal rejection?
Tina: Did I?
Stacey: Yah.
Tina: Oh definitely. And my daughter was with us, who’s totally awesome about the
whole thing, she’s going to be 21 and she’s great about it, right? And um… she said
something to my later, “Why did Mary do that?” And I said, “Well,” what else could I say,
“she’s old school, she’s been out since she was 18 and she’s seen a lot of crap,” and you
know, I talked to her about it later I said, “You know, I didn’t like that you did that.”
Another time we were at my brother’s wedding, same thing, I said, “C’mon, let’s go up
and dance,” and she went, “No! Don’t!” ‘Cause my whole family adores Mary, adores her,
and my mom died three years ago, and she came to really love Mary a lot, and she [Mary] Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 90
had no reason to feel that way, but she was just like, “No, I’m not doing this.” But it was
okay that it was like four or five of us dancing together all night, in a group of girls, right?
Like my sister-in-laws, right? But when it came to “Hey, there’s a good song,” you know,
that we both like, “let’s go up and dance to it,” whereas I wouldn’t have cared, whereas
she was like, “No.” So, I have to respect that too, I have to go, you know what? This isn’t
going to end our relationship because [laugh] she wants to keep things more hushy, but …
Stacey: I guess it’s one of those things, it’s like different comfort levels, some people,
people have different boundaries. Some people totally aren’t comfortable with public
displays of affection, hetero or other, and then somebody else may be very expressive in
public and not care. I guess it’s one of those things, I guess, as two people it has to be
negotiated between you. Because you may not be 100% in sync around it.
Tina: But now she’s changed a lot. I think I’ve helped her grow and come out of it a lot.
But I mean, yah, we still probably wouldn’t walk down the sea wall holding hands but on
Pride Day she will now, whereas the first year that we went to it, she wouldn’t. She’d just
sort of put her arm around me for a minute and that was it. Whereas now, it’s like, hello.
This is our day, screw everybody, you know? So she’s comfort, like you say, it’s comfort
levels and it’s where we are. A lot of times she’ll surprise me, and she’ll reach out and
grab my hand, or whatever, and I’m like “Oh! [surprised tone].” So, I think you’re right;
it’s hugely about comfort. I mean I don’t want to get myself shit kicked or whatever, but to
me I don’t want to hide who I am. I figure I did that for 39 years, well, 30 years say. But
yah.
She goes on to talk about her concerns for her children. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 91
…even with my kids, you know a huge, huge issue I have right now is umm, my daughter
was going out with this guy and she’s known him since grade 5, Abbotsford, hello, very
Christian community and umm, that’s where the kids have been raised, right? And um, it
was, I have a lot of feelings of I hope that my kids end up with good partners down the
road in their lives and that their families accept them, but if they find out about me are
they then going to reject them? It sounds real corny, but you know what?
Stacey: Well, no I don’t think so
Tina: It’s awful, I feel, like, is that why her boyfriend ended up dumping her? I went
through that at first, because out of the clear blue sky after they were going together over a
year, he just dumped her. I mean, he had known about Mary and I all along, he’s come
over, make himself totally at home and the whole nine yards right? But, was that maybe
part of it? I doubt it, but I went through that. My son, you know, like, he just moved in
with us a year ago. His dad has issues around that, “Why would a young guy want to move
in with a couple of lesbians, what the hell’s that about?” And he’s a big Christian
Mennonite guy, right? And his wife and him are very religious, and he can’t quite fathom
that.
Ellen, who has two teenage boys said,
The kid thing is really important, because I, having two children who are both of high
school age, and I can see what they struggle with, you know if I talk to gay couples who
are thinking of having a family, I’m not going to tell them whether they should or not,
that’s not my place to say and there’s no right or wrong about that issue, but you need to
know the issues the child is going to face as they grow up in the world. And it will be okay
for the first maybe 10 to 12 years of life, but as soon as they hit high school it’s going to Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 92
be a whole different program. And they may decide that they don’t want kids over at their
house to play, then could become quite withdrawn, they never talk about their parents,
they don’t want their parents coming to parent-teacher night, those are the kinds of things
that you run the risk of having, no matter how great a parent you are, naturally those kids
will be faced with some peer pressure as some point, where they may back off.
Brenda, who has an adult son who is married, said:
But the other thing, is that your kid has to negotiate all that at school and on the
playground. Your kid has to make decisions about who they’re going to bring home so
there’s a lot of stuff around comparing children, and my kid was older when I was in
lesbian relationships, but you know, he had to deal with that.
Stacey: How old was he?
Brenda: Uhh, well, he was in high school. I’d say, 13, 14. And, you know, he’s grown up
now, and he’s gonna have kids, and you know, they’re going to have to make decisions
around “grandma’s a lesbian [laughs]. This is my roommate [motions next to her].”
Based on the reported experiences of these women it seems that being “out” is generally healthy and self-affirming. However, they express that some discretion is necessary, especially to protect their children or grandchildren who are more vulnerable by virtue of their age and developmental level.
External and Individual Factors
In their interviews, the women involved in this research expressed an awareness and thoughtfulness of changes that are happening in our society with regard to increased gay rights and decreasing homophobia. They also emphasize the role of individual factors (e.g., personality or maturity) in their discussions. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 93
Sociopolitical changes. Brenda, age 62, recalled a time when a woman could be arrested for wearing more than three articles of men’s clothing. In this excerpt, she described her experience of the significant societal changes that have occurred over her lifetime:
Brenda: But umm, I just think we have way more freedom in how we’re going to relate to
each other and how we’re going to relate to the rest of our friends and the rest of the
world, even though we are in relationships. I mean, it’s also hard things, it took us, we’ve
lived together 16 years, almost. And I’d say the first five years, you know, like if I got
mowing the lawn in front, I used to have these fantasies that someone was going come by
and say, “oh so you’re the husband today, ho ho ho.” Or I was afraid someone was going
to throw a brick through the window, kind of like internalized homophobic fears really. It
took us a long time to be able to hold hands around the street when we went out for a
walk. Like we could hold hands on the next street, but it was ingrained fears or, kiss each
other, peck on the cheek in the morning, if one of us is leaving. I mean we do now. It took
a while. I remember one time we went out to the Pride parade and we were all dressed up
and we decided we were going to take the bus. And the minute we got out of the house, it
was like oh my God [inaudible] [laughter]. And I’m sure everybody knows we’re dykes,
but I just had that thing that it’s one thing for people to know and it’s another thing for it
to be in their face and see it. There’s just those kinds of lingering fears, coming from a
lifetime of knowing that people get hurt and killed, that you don’t have in het
relationships. You have to come out all the time to the doctor and the plumber, the grocer.
Stacey: It can take a lot of energy, and being aware of who’s around you and who sees
and always judging, “do I disclose or not?” Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 94
Brenda: And mostly I do, and I don’t think it’s something I think about every day but it
does come up. And I think that’s really different. I mean things have changed so much in
the last 20 years, it’s just unbelievable. Just soooo, I mean you can go in a motel and ask
for a room with one double bed and nobody blinks anymore. But that used to be scary, or
you know, all kinds of stuff used to be scary. But now, it’s pretty easy.
Ellen said:
Like today, if I walk hand in hand in the west end, it’s no big whoop. It’s taken me almost
eight years, nine years to get to that point. We’re in the west end of Vancouver, get over
it. You know? And before, when we walked down the street, it was like this far apart
[gestures] [laughs] and now we walk down any street, close together, or I’ll get a hug, in
public. Those public gestures would never have happened in the early time.
Individual factors. The women interviewed emphasize individual factors and individual situations when exploring gay and lesbian issues. As reflected in some of the above quotations, the women in this study stressed that each individual relationship is unique, and that each person has their own personality, history, and experiences. For example, Ellen talked about how her management experience and her personality shape her interactions with her partners. Jo spoke about how different her experiences in her two lesbian partnerships were. She says:
…you know, and subsequently, you know, my next experience, which is the woman I am
with now, is completely different, and it was a personal thing, you know, she’s not like
that. But, you know, there were a lot of issues with this woman I was first with. She had
uhh, post traumatic stress disorder, so that was one thing that was very difficult to deal
with when I was, you know, fairly heavy emotional problems and I was certainly not very Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 95
well equipped in dealing with someone who experienced that. And um, I wasn’t ready to
deal with that at the time. So, it just didn’t work.
Hanna also acknowledged that her ex-husband’s alcoholism was a significant factor in their relationship as well. At one point in her interview, Hanna says, “It’s so individual, it’s hard to generalize. It so depends on the individuals involved.”
Summary
The women’s narratives emphasized the importance of awareness and processing of emotions in lesbian relationships, the effects of homophobia and heterosexism, and that they experience more equal sharing of responsibilities in their relationships with other women. They report that they have higher levels of sexual satisfaction in their lesbian relationships as result of the freedom from gender roles and the heightened intimacy in their relationships with women.
They do not report experiencing fusion or lesbian bed death in their relationships with women.
Their accounts indicate that they experience freedom from gender roles in their lesbian relationships, and that it is a positive attribute. They agreed that relationship satisfaction is similar across couple types. However, they stressed emotional intimacy and freedom as key to satisfaction in lesbian relationships, and social support and approval as key in heterosexual relationships. Their stories indicate that the process of partner selection may be different in lesbian relationships, and that overall, “being out” with others about their sexual orientation is positive for their relationships. They also highlighted that socio-political changes influence the issues of lesbian women, and that individual factors are important to consider.
Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 96
Chapter V.
Discussion
The interviewees’ accounts of lesbian and heterosexual relationships both corresponded with and diverged from the literature on lesbian relationships. In their narratives, the women in this study emphasized the importance of awareness and processing of emotions in lesbian relationships. They also discussed the effects of homophobia and heterosexism, and that they experience more equal sharing of responsibilities in relationships between women. The interviewees, many of whom have been in long-term relationships with their current female partners, do not report experiencing fusion or lesbian bed death in their relationships. On the contrary, their accounts verify that there is freedom from gender roles and sexual roles in lesbian relationships, and that these are positive aspects of relationships between women. They agreed that relationship satisfaction is similar across couple types, that the process of partner selection may be different in lesbian relationships, and that there is an emphasis on emotional intimacy and communication in lesbian relationships. Their stories also suggest that being “out” about their sexual orientation is largely beneficial for their relationships. They stress that socio-political changes will influence the issues of this population, and that individual factors must be considered. Several key findings and their relationship to the literature will be discussed in the following pages.
Definition of Terms
Several terms need to be clearly defined for the purpose of this study. Definitions of key terms follow.
1. Homosexuality – Homosexuality refers to an affectional and sexual interest towards
individuals of the same gender (Palma & Stanley, 2002). Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 97
2. Bisexuality – Bisexuality refers to an affectional and sexual interest towards
individuals of both genders (Palma & Stanley, 2002).
3. Homophobia – Barrett and McWhirter (2002) define homophobia as an individual’s
responses of fear, discomfort, anger, disgust, or aversion toward gay men and lesbians.
Homophobia may involve discrimination, harassment, assault, oppression, rejection,
or various forms of abuse towards gays, lesbians, and bisexuals.
4. Heterosexism – Heterosexism refers to “ an ideological system that denies, denigrates,
ad stigmatizes” forms of identity, behaviour, relationship, and community that are not
heterosexual (Rose, 2000).
5. Heterosexual bias – Heterosexual bias refers to the tendency to value heterosexual
relationships more highly than homosexual relationships, to believe that somehow
homosexual love is not as valid as heterosexual love, or that same-sex relationships
cannot be as satisfying as heterosexual relationships (Eubanks-Carter, et al., 2005;
Goldfried, 2001; Pachankis& Goldfried, 2004; Palma & Stanley, 2002; Rivett, 2001;
Testa, et al., 1987).
6. Lesbian identity management – Lesbian identity management is commonly referred to
as the “coming out” process. In other words, a lesbian woman chooses who she will
disclose her sexual orientation to and under what circumstances (LaSala, 2001). This
is an ongoing process rather than a one-time event. A person who does not disclose
may be referred to as being “in the closet” in one or more areas of their life.
7. Lesbian bed death – According to Iasenza (2000), lesbian bed death, or hypoactive
sexual desire, supposedly occurs in “long-term lesbian couples and characterized by a
dramatic, sustained drop-off in sexual frequency” (p. 59). Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 98
8. Fusion – Fusion or merger refers to an unhealthy dependency and emotional closeness
that purportedly occurs in lesbian couples and it has been attributed to both external
pressures (such as homophobia and heterosexism) and women’s’ relational styles
(Gaines & Henderson, 2002; Iasenza, 2000; Nichols, 2004; Spitalnick & McNair,
2005).
Similarities Across Couple Types
Schneider (1986) suggests that the similarities between lesbian and heterosexual couples are striking with regard to expectations for the relationship and dealing with day-to-day life. But he also suggests that it is important to consider that lesbian couples exist in a different social context. The women in this study concur. Perez (1996) states that marginalization issues or generic couple issues are intertwined. Likewise, the women in this study described that there are universal couple issues such as communication, but throughout their narratives, they also referred to the impact of homophobia and heterosexism. While the research participants in this study reported that they think that most couples, regardless of couple type, must contend with issues of communication and negotiation, they also described some differences in communication patterns and negotiation.
Communication and Intimacy
The women’s reports indicated that while communication is an element of both relationships types, there are distinct differences in the types of communication issues that lesbian couples and heterosexual couples encounter (Harkless & Fowers, 2005; Metz et al., 1994). For example, the participants stated that in their relationships with women, they experience more open communication, more negotiation, and discussion. The participants also described a sense of heightened intimacy in their relationships with their female partners. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 99
The women in this study stressed that women are socialized to interact with others differently than men are. Socialization may well account for some of the disparity in communication styles that the participants describe in same- and opposite-sex couples. Some researchers have suggested that two people of the same gender may naturally have a better understanding of each other, and this mutual understanding may facilitate communication in a relationship (Alderson, 2004). As it has already been discussed, Metz et al. (1994) linked conflict resolution style to relationship satisfaction and also found that gender was significant in considering conflict management style. They suggested that lesbian couples have greater emotional companionship, more positive conflict resolution styles, and less negative styles of conflict resolution (e.g., more assertiveness and less aggression). In a yet unpublished twelve- year longitudinal study of same-sex and cross-sex couples, Gottman and Levenson (2004) found that women are more expressive in relationships, and that gay and lesbian couples use fewer controlling or hostile emotional tactics during times of conflict. The researchers also found that same-sex couples use more affection and humour in times of conflict and have more ability to soothe each other.
It is possible that a more equal balance of power between women in a lesbian relationship creates an atmosphere in which more negotiation and a different conflict resolution style can occur. That is not to say that because two people of the same gender are in a relationship, that there is no power differential. Harkless and Fowers (2005) suggest that gender is less significant with regard to power tactics in same-sex relationships, and that the type of strategy that a person chooses is related to who is more powerful in the relationship. For example, power differences may be related to factors such as financial contributions to the relationship, status, age, or maturity. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 100
The participants’ responses also have implications about the role that power differentials in relationships, gender socialization, and individual factors, such as personal development and emotional maturity, play in relationship dynamics. The respondents’ reports seem to support the findings of Harkless and Fowers (2005). Fowers and Harkless state that within interactions in heterosexual relationships, women tend to use weak strategies such as withdrawing, whereas men use strong strategies such as bargaining or reasoning. However, they also found that women in lesbian relationships do not use weak strategies with each other. Rather, the type of strategy used is related to who is perceived to be more powerful in the relationship. Future research could explore communication patterns (e.g., conflict resolution), gender, and the role of power in the interactions in lesbian relationships more comprehensively. The research participants’ descriptions of their experiences in this study echo the findings of the current literature on the communication in same sex and relationships.
In terms of the emotional dissonance or the comparative lack of emotional intimacy that the women describe in their heterosexual relationships, it could be argued that the dissonance was due to the fact that they were lesbian women in heterosexual relationships. Therefore, there may have been something dissonant with regard to the partnership itself. As some of the participants noted, they believe that it is possible for some women to have fully developed intimacy and communication with men. However, the women did not identify with binary definitions of sexual orientation. Thus, the importance of having an accurate operationalization of sexual orientation is key.
Partner Selection
In keeping with the literature, the women in this study described that lesbian women have wider definitions of beauty, that there is less emphasis on physical attractiveness, and that they Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 101 are less insecure about their bodies with other women (Collins & Oxenbury, 2005). None of the literature reviewed for this study focused on the process of mate selection in lesbian relationships, although some researchers have suggested that lesbian women put less emphasis on attractiveness when choosing a partner (Collins & Oxenbury). The respondents in this research also indicated they prioritize different qualities or features in the process of partner selection. For example, they indicated that they emphasized personal compatibility when choosing a female partner, rather than on family and parenting issues when choosing a male partner.
In the literature reviewed for this study, no research explored partner selection for lesbian couples. One study by Kurdek and Schmitt (1987) explored partner homogamy in married and cohabitating, lesbian, and gay couples. Essentially, the authors predicted that like would attract like, with regard to age, race, socio-economic status, and religion. Their results included that partner homogamy was most pervasive in lesbian couples with regard to demographic variables and dyadic attachment. The authors hypothesize that this phenomenon may be due to lesbians stressing equality in their relationships. They found that for all couples, homogamy and demographic variables were not related to relationship quality, whereas dyadic attachment was related to relationship quality. Future research could explore partner selection, homogamy, bonding, and relationship development in lesbian couples.
Homophobia and Heterosexism
The respondents in this study identified homophobia and heterosexism as two major challenges that lesbian woman in relationships face. This finding is in keeping with the literature on the topic. Yet, it is interesting to note that the women who were interviewed did not describe the impact as homophobia as being as destructive to their relationships as some studies suggest
(Waterman, et. al., 1989; Morrow & Hawxhurst, 1989; Renzetti, 1989). While most of the Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 102 literature depicts homophobia as devastatingly harmful for relationships, the women in this study described that the effects of homophobia could be moderated by individual factors, such as maturity or resilience. The research participants related that these external forces affect their relationships to a lesser degree than past research indicates. As some researchers have reported, parental disapproval does not significantly affect lesbian relationships (Lasala, 2001; Murphy,
1989).
It may be important for future researchers to distinguish between personal and global discrimination when exploring homophobia and heterosexism. Consider that in their study on minority groups in Canada, Esses and Gardner (1996) found an inconsistency in the respondents’ perceived personal and group prejudice. Esses and Gardner reported that minority respondents in
Canada reported higher perceived prejudice against their group than against themselves personally. The authors suggest, it is possible that there is a tendency for minorities to minimize perceived prejudice, and that this tendency has psychological benefits. It is possible that the participants minimized the effects of homophobia and heterocentrism on themselves and on their relationships. However, there may be distinct differences between personal experiences and more global experiences of discrimination and how people react to and process these experiences.
Similarly, the participants’ reports seem to validate other studies that suggest that the current literature on gay and lesbian issues puts too much emphasis on societal factors such as homophobia (LaSala, 2001). The respondents in this study related that while rejection and prejudice can indeed put a strain on their relationships, those issues also have the potential to enhance their relationships. It may be that these societal factors facilitate lesbians forming tight knit communities for support. Kurdek & Schmitt (1987) suggest that lesbian couples receive needed support from friends if it is not available from family. Perez (1996) also suggests that Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 103 same-sex couples receive more support from friends. Furthermore, support from a network of encouraging people may help act as a buffer against the destructive effects of homophobia and heterosexism. In this case, the participants did not specify who their biggest sources of support were. Potential research may explore this issue further.
Freedom and Autonomy
In the literature reviewed for this research project, researchers and theoreticians hypothesize that two women who enter into a relationship are not bound by the same gender roles and responsibilities as men and women in heterosexual relationships (Collins & Oxenbury, 2002;
Mackey et al., 1997). Some researchers have suggested that the lack of roles can cause stress in relationships between women (Fisher, 1993; Spitalnick & McNair, 2005). Conversely, other literature indicates that the lack of gender roles in relationships is an advantage (Cardell, Finn, &
Macerek, 1981; Kurdek & Schmitt, 1987; Schreurs & Buunk, 1996; Spitalnick & McNair, 2005).
The women in this study acknowledged that they had few or no role models for lesbian relationships, though they do emphasize freedom and autonomy as some of the key benefits of their same sex relationships. Contrary to the literature on the subject, the participants described that their relationships with women are characterized by heightened intimacy and more freedom.
In other words, intense intimacy does not come at the price of freedom and autonomy as some of the past research suggests. The participants described that, because their lesbian relationships are free from gender roles and heterosexual protocols, they have more independence and creativity within their relationships. The findings in this study challenge the past theories about of emotional fusion and merger in lesbian relationships. Perhaps women in some same-sex relationships experience both freedom and heightened intimacy, and that these two states are not mutually exclusive. According to Collins and Oxenbury (2002), the relational capacity that Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 104 women have can be a significant strength in lesbian relationships and contributes to a high level of bonding that is not typically seen in other couples. As Collins and Oxenbury (2002) write,
Interestingly, the relational characteristics of authenticity, intimacy, and mutuality that are
now embraced by women’s literature are often labelled as “fusion” or “enmeshment” in
the literature on lesbian relationships (Mencher, 1997; Perdie & Herb, 1997). Mencher
points out that there is little evidence to support the assertion that the relational patterns
described in the literature on fusion in lesbian relationships are by nature pathological. In
fact, any couples express a high degree of satisfaction in relationships and identify many
of the characteristics often labelled as fusion as important contributors to their sense of
relational well-being: intense intimacy, interdependency, high levels of communication
and emotional support, depth of mutuality, shared beliefs and goals, friendships, leisure
activities, services accessed in common, and so on. (p.15)
Sexual Intimacy
The participants’ comments about sexuality implied that there are some distinct differences about sexuality in lesbian relationships. First, their reports did not corroborate the lesbian bed death phenomenon. Second, sexuality and sexual satisfaction is enhanced by the high degree of emotional connection that these women reported feeling with their partners. Third, sexuality is more open and may involve different behaviours than those that occur in heterosexual relationships. Evidently there is opportunity for future research to explore sexuality in lesbian relationships in general, and sexuality in long-term lesbian relationships specifically.
When exploring sexuality, it is important to consider that operationalization of sexual orientation must be more reflective of queer peoples’ experience. The women interviewed in this research endeavour reported higher sexual satisfaction in their relationships with women. It stands Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 105 to reason that if these women are lesbian, they will likely experience higher sexual satisfaction with women. However, as it has already been noted, almost half of research participants indicated that they do not clearly identify with binary definitions of sexual orientation. A continuum model of sexual orientation may be a more appropriate choice in determining sexual orientation. It will be important in future research to clarify the distinctions between sexual orientation and sexual satisfaction. Potential studies may involve comparisons between heterosexual and lesbian sisters, or involve women who identify as bisexual on the continuum of sexual orientation.
The women in this study also described broad definitions of healthy sexual behaviour in their lesbian relationships. Non-genital sexual contact may or may not be included in their reports of sexual frequency. Thus it appears that, as some contemporary researchers have suggested, it is possible that women in lesbian relationships may have different definitions for what constitutes sexual intimacy (Collins & Oxenbury, 2002; Rothblum, 2000). Furthermore, as Rothblum (2000) advises, little is known about the sexuality of heterosexual women. Current research seems to generalize about sexuality for heterosexual and lesbian women. Another important issue to consider when exploring the sexuality of lesbian women is that having two women in a relationship increases the odds that one of them has sexual abuse or sexual assault. Thus, there may be implications for their sexuality (Collins & Oxenbury). Furthermore, individual factors, such as sex drive, are not accounted for in research on the sexuality of lesbian women.
Lesbian Identity Management
The findings in this study around self-acceptance and lesbian identity management support the literature that suggests that the more “out” lesbian women are (i.e., self-identification as a lesbian, number of years out, and level of involvement with the lesbian community), the less psychological distress they report (DeAngelis, 2000; LaSala, 2001; Murphy, 2001). Mainly, the Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 106 women who were interviewed in this research described that they are “out” in most areas of their lives. They also reported that being “out” is not a one-time event. Furthermore, the degree of their disclosure has changed over time. Most reported that disclosing their lesbian identity enhances their relationship. However, it may be important to consider levels of self-acceptance as well. One can be very much “out of the closet” and yet not have correspondingly high levels of self- acceptance. Potential research may explore the roles of self-acceptance and lesbian identity management in lesbian relationships.
External Factors and Individual Factors
Current researchers acknowledge that, until recently, research on gay men and lesbian women has focused predominantly on homophobia and heterosexism. Social context and gender issues are important to consider, but incorporating internal factors such as self-acceptance, emotional maturity level, and resilience will likely create the most effective intervention for the client. Also consider that some of the factors that influence a person, such as the larger culture, may be difficult or impossible to change, and that they may have a positive influence as well. In taking a more holistic approach, which includes focusing on individual factors, researchers and clinicians may have many more possible avenues for exploration and intervention with lesbian women.
Limitations of the Research
There are some limitations of this study that are necessary to address. First, although ten women were interviewed for this study, the sample may be over representative of middle class, highly educated Caucasian women. Lesbian women who have multiple minority status are not represented. The respondents in this study were enlisted through snowball sampling, which relies on recruitment of participants through informal networks of friends and colleagues. As it has Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 107 already been mentioned, it is a recurring criticism of the literature that samples of lesbians and gay men rely too much upon non-probability and snowball sampling (Rothblum, 1994). As
Rothblum points out, because there is great diversity in the lesbian population, research should ideally focus on being more representative of lesbian women. These findings may be most relevant for white middle class women. However, according to other researchers, such samples may not be as distorted as it has been previously thought. There is some data that indicates lesbian women may be more affluent, educated, and mobile than heterosexual women
(DeAngelis, 2002; Hughes, 2003). Thus, readers of this study should use caution in generalizing these results.
Second, it is important to acknowledge and consider the complexities and difficulties of comparing these two relationships types. The recruitment materials for this study were designed to enlist women who had been married to men and are now in lesbian relationships. It should also be clarified, that because same-sex marriage only became a legal option within the last two years, it was not required that the participants be married to their same-sex partners. In hindsight, women who had cohabitated or who had been in common-law relationships with men could have also been included in this study for the sake of comparing the two groups.
Third, the results are likely affected by volunteer bias. It is possible the women who are happy in their current relationships, or who have a reached a certain level of self-acceptance, may have been more likely to volunteer for this study. Women who are not “out” or who are unhappy in their current lesbian relationships may not be represented.
Fourth, the results of this study are primarily based on the self-report of the participants.
Consequently, the findings are reliant upon each woman’s memory and willingness to share information. Several of the women have been not been in heterosexual marriages for a decade or Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 108 more. This fact is significant because a large part of the interviews about their experience in heterosexual marriages were retrospective in nature. Participants who had not been in heterosexual relationships for 18 to 20 years indicated that they had some difficulty recalling experiences in their heterosexual marriage.
Finally, because this research was an interactive process, the researcher almost certainly influenced the participants’ descriptions of their experience. Several measures were taken to help ensure reliability, but the influence of the researcher cannot be entirely neutralized in the research process. As Osborne (1990) points out, there is no absolute interpretation of the data in this type of research endeavour. The litmus test for generalizability in phenomenological research is whether the findings of the study resonate for the people who have experienced the phenomenon.
Theoretical Implications
There are some theoretical implications of this study to the theories identified earlier.
Specifically, the findings of this study indicate that some of the theories about lesbian relationships, such as fusion and lesbian bed death, may be inaccurate, or at least not applicable to many lesbians in same-sex relationships. The women interviewed for this investigation reported higher levels of autonomy and freedom in their same-sex partnerships. They also reported high levels satisfaction with sexuality in their same-sex relationships, and downplayed the severity of the effects of homophobia and heterosexism on their relationships. Their descriptions of their experiences indicate that partner selection may be different from heterosexual relationships, and that individual factors are important to consider in research with this population. Currently, a great deal of emphasis is placed on external factors and larger scale issues, such as homophobia.
These findings may also indicate that more research – and specifically more up to date research – is required to gather accurate information about lesbian relationships. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 109
Conversely, the results of this investigation support some of the themes in the literature.
For example, the participants’ reports demonstrate that lesbian women emphasize open communication in their primary relationships, that they experience enhanced awareness and processing of emotions in their relationships, and that they have more equal sharing of responsibilities with their female partners. The women interviewed also describe that there are some universal couple issues that most people in relationships face, including communication issues, and negotiation of two different sets of experiences, preferences, and needs in a couple.
Implications For Practice
The stories and experiences that these women have shared affirm that there is much more to be learned about lesbian relationships, and that some of the current theories about lesbian relationships may be inaccurate. Furthermore, as socio-political changes occur, the issues of lesbian women will change as well. Considering that practice is ideally based on theory, there are some implications for professional practice with this population.
It may be safe for clinicians to assume that lesbian couples experience homophobia and heterosexism to some degree. However, the clinician should confirm with the couple, their perspective on the nature of the effects (e.g., positive and negative), and the degree to which these factors affect them and their relationship. Otherwise, professionals are at risk of inflating or minimizing the effects of homophobia and heterosexism, or further pathologizing this population.
Conversely, in acknowledging that there may be some positive effects of external factors, or that they affect each person and couple differently, the professional who is working with these couples can build on strengths and benefits.
Similarly, it may be prudent for clinicians to refrain from making assumptions about unhealthy dependency and sexual problems (e.g., lesbian bed death) in lesbian relationships. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 110
Current literature on these subjects and the results of this study cast doubt on the concepts of merger and lesbian bed death. To presume that lesbian relationships are characterized by problematic sexuality and intimacy, or to assume that partners are emotionally fused, is to risk further disrespect and harm to lesbian women.
In addition to taking care to avoid pathologizing the sexual relationship between women, professionals ought to maintain an attitude of openness about how women define or construct sexuality in their relationships. There very well may be differences in the sexual relating that occurs between women. (e.g., less emphasis on genital sex). Moreover, counsellors and other professionals who work with these women ought to strive to be open and to educate this population that there are healthy alternatives to the mainstream ideas about what constitutes sexual activity.
It is likely that there are some common or universal issues that most couples face. For instance, there are communication issues and day-to-day struggles in every partnership, regardless of couple type. However, for lesbian couples, these issues occur in the context of some unique stressors. There may be some distinct differences in how women in same-sex partnerships relate to each other when navigating these issues. Traditional theories of couple and marital counselling, which tend to focus on communication skills and the dynamics in opposite gender relationships, may need to be adapted to better fit same sex couples. As it has already been noted, there are some distinct differences in communication patterns and in the handling of conflict in same-sex couples. Nor has gender been fully explored as a factor in the relating in same-sex and opposite sex couples. Counselling interventions with same-sex couples ought to be adapted to incorporate these possibilities. Furthermore, the literature indicates that lesbian couples have strengths that can be capitalized on by the professionals who work with them. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 111
Many writers and researchers have advocated that counsellors take a multicultural approach or feminist approach to counselling lesbian women (Cummings, 2000; Perez, 1996).
Clinicians must keep in mind the diversity of lesbian women, their experiences, and their relationships. Moreover, some of the challenges that lesbian women face may be more related to gender than to sexual orientation. Worrell & Remer write (as cited in Cummings 2000),
Many clients have internalized societal oppressions of misogyny, homophobia, racism,
classism, and ableism. Counsellor responses would reframe these negative self-statements
(the personal) by viewing symptoms of oppressed clients as survival mechanisms for
dealing with the physical and psychological violence that clients have experienced in their
lives (the political), while also normalizing feelings about being a woman in this culture.
The emphasis in these responses is on providing information that can help clients change
unhealthy aspects of external situations, as well as internal effects of those situations,
rather than helping clients adjust to harmful environments.
As the postmodernist theorists or social constructivists suggest, it is empowering to build on a client’s strengths and successes, rather than solely investigating his or her failures, pathology, and weaknesses (Berg, 1994; Freedman & Combs, 1996). This is particularly relevant for a population that has traditionally been stigmatized and pathologized. In addition to communicating respect for the client’s relationship and experience, a positive, strengths-based approach with lesbian women and lesbian couples may help to communicate respect and validation for their experience, as well as instil a sense of hope (Perez, 1996).
Further Study and Future Research
The findings of this study point to numerous areas for future research relating to lesbian women and their relationships. As it has previously been mentioned, there is a paucity of Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 112 literature on gay and lesbian couples, and some of the existing literature is dated. More studies on sexuality in lesbian relationships, and sexuality in long-term lesbian relationships, are essential.
Longitudinal studies of lesbian couples could provide some very valuable information about lesbian relationships.
Although sexual identity or lesbian identity development were not the focus of this study, the women involved reported that it is difficult to categorize their orientation. Their difficulty with this issue indicates that it is likely that sexual identity is not a twofold phenomenon. Further research could focus on the development of sexual identity and sexual orientation.
Research could also potentially explore the communication patterns in lesbian relationships. Potential studies may involve heterosexual and lesbian sisters and their relationships. Such an approach may also help to clarify the roles of gender and sexual orientation in relationship dynamics.
In addition to exploring the effects of homophobia and heterosexism, more research on individual factors in gay and lesbian research may complement the current body of literature that is largely focused on cultural and societal forces. Knowledge of individual factors, such as resilience, could help inform treatment with individual clients or with couples. Moreover, the strengths of lesbian relationships could be explored. Consider that much of the literature to date has pathologized lesbian relationships, and possibly pathologized even the most positive characteristics of lesbian relationships. Exploring strengths and advantages of same sex would likely also help to eventually reduce homophobia and heterosexism.
Finally, it is essential that traditional couple and family counselling techniques be tested for effectiveness with lesbian relationships and families. Standard theories of marital and family counselling may not apply. Utilizing techniques that have not been validated for use with lesbian Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 113 women could be ineffective, and at worst, harmful to lesbian couples and families. In general, more research on counsellor competencies in working with queer clients would be helpful.
Contributions of this Study
This study has made several contributions that should be acknowledged. The dearth of research about lesbian women and lesbian relationships has been noted. This research effort adds recent information to the literature on lesbian relationships. It focuses on lesbian relationships specifically, and it does not attempt to generalize to gay male couples. It also helps to dispel some of the myths and stereotypes about lesbian relationships. This information can inform counsellors who work with lesbian women.
This research has illuminated a number of common difficulties experienced by women in same-sex relationships and clarifies some of the similarities and differences between lesbian and heterosexual relationships. In addition to contributing to the body of literature, this type of information may be helpful for women who lack of accurate information about the strengths and challenges of lesbian relationships.
Rather than relying on heterocentric definitions of healthy sexual and emotional intimacy in primary relationships, this study has given voice to women who have lived experience in both couple types. The findings are affirming of lesbian relationships and highlight some of the benefits and strengths of lesbian relationships. Furthermore, the use of the phenomenological method may help to overcome scientific reductionism, to minimize heterosexism.
Summary and Conclusions
This study was intended to capture the lived experiences of partnered or married lesbian women who have been married to men at some point in the past. The women’s reports about their experiences provide unique insight into the similarities and differences between heterosexual and Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 114 lesbian relationships. The study honours each individual’s understanding and, simultaneously, reveals themes and common experiences. The participants’ accounts provide several key insights that have been in illuminated in the body of this study.
Unlike much of the current literature on lesbian relationships, this study identifies areas of strength in lesbian relationships. Furthermore, this study has given these few women an opportunity to talk about their experience and to have a voice in the research that is about them.
The participants acknowledged many factors that have affected their relationships, both positively and negatively. It is important to note that each woman stressed that she did not consider one type of relationship to be superior to the other. Their accounts indicated that there are some commonalities between lesbian and heterosexual partnerships, but there are also some distinct differences. Similarly, each type of relationship comes with its own set of challenges and benefits.
The value these women place on having their relationships validated and celebrated was evident from their stories. Although the negative effects of homophobia and heterosexism have been documented in the research, this study provides a contextual look at how social support can enhance peoples’ lives and relationships.
This study makes an important contribution to the research. The nature of the approach taken provides an opportunity to explore lesbian and heterosexual relationships from the eyes women who have experience in both types of partnerships. Further research is clearly needed, but this research effort may serve to add some depth to the understanding of those who work with women in same-sex relationships. Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 115
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Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 123
Appendix A
Recruitment Invitation
Dear ______,
As part of my Master’s thesis, I am completing a study on lesbian relationships. I am in search of women who are currently in committed lesbian relationships, but who have been married to men in the past. Specifically, I am seeking women who have been married, partnered or cohabitating with a woman for at least one year in duration, and who have been married to a man for a least one year at some point. Participation in this study will involve a confidential audio taped interview ranging from 60 to 120 minutes in duration. The purpose of this study is to learn more about the differences and similarities of lesbian and heterosexual relationships from the perspective of lesbians. Participant confidentiality will be maintained throughout the study. If you know any women who might qualify and who you think may be interested in participating, please forward my contact information.
If you are interested in participating in this study or have any questions about it, please contact Stacey Boon at her e-mail address ([email protected]) or phone (604-992-0078) by June 30, 2005.
Thank you,
Stacey Boon
Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 124
Appendix B
Informed Consent & Information Sheet
A PHENOMONOLOGICAL STUDY OF LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP ISSUES
RESEARCHER:
Stacey Boon Phone: (604) 992-0078 Email: [email protected]
SUPERVISOR: Dr. Kevin Alderson, Division of Applied Psychology, University of Calgary, Phone: (403)-220-6758 Email: [email protected]
SPONSOR/FUNDING:
None This research is part of a thesis requirement for the graduate program in counselling psychology at University of Calgary/Athabasca University/University of Lethbridge, in Alberta, Canada, where the researcher is currently enrolled.
THE PURPOSE OF THIS STUDY
The purpose of this study is to learn about the differences between lesbian and heterosexual partnerships from the perspective of women who have in experience in both types of relationships. Understanding the experiences of these women may help to inform counselors or other professionals about the specific needs and issues of lesbian couples who seek counselling. Indirectly, this knowledge may help improve the quality of counselling work being done with lesbian couples.
WHO WILL PARTICIPATE IN THE STUDY
Six (6) to eight (8) women who are in relationships with women, but who have previously been married to men will take part in this study. Specifically, volunteers are women who have been married, partnered or cohabitating with a woman for at least one year in duration, and who have been married to a man for a least one year at some point
REQUIREMENTS OF INVOLVEMENT IN THE STUDY
Participation in this study will require you to fill out a demographic sheet and engage in an interview with the researcher. This one-to-one interview can vary in length from one to two Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 125 hours. During this session, the conversation will be audio taped, and the questions will pertain to your experiences of heterosexual and homosexual partnerships. You will be provided with a choice of options for the location of interview whether it is in the privacy and convenience of your own home, or in a private office. Following the interview, the audiotaped interview will be transcribed, and once this is done for all of the interviews, I will create a list of the themes that emerged. With your permission, I will then either mail or email you a list of these themes and ask that you review the themes and provide feedback on them to ensure their accuracy.
LENGTH OF YOUR INVOLVEMENT IN THE STUDY
This study requires an interview session that can range in duration from 60 to 120 minutes long. Reviewing the themes that emerge from the research will take another 30 minutes or so.
RISKS OF PARTICIPATING IN THIS STUDY
There is no specific risk to participating in this study. The degree of risk is about the same as having a discussion with someone about what you are thinking and feeling.
BENEFITS OF PARTICIPATING IN THIS STUDY
There are no direct benefits to taking part in this study. However, some people do benefit from having an opportunity to express their views about important life experiences.
CONFIDENTIALITY
Your name will not appear on the transcripts, reports, or published papers. Nor will any information that could lead to the identification of the participants will not be included. Any communications such as email or mail will not occur without your permission. Direct quotes from the interviews may be used in published reports for the purposes of teaching and learning, and will be posted in an open discussion forum within the CAAP program, be written up in a final project, and possibly be used for dissemination at conferences and through publications. The final project will also be posted in the Digital Thesis and Project Room (DTPR) for online worldwide access.
COST TO PARTICIPANTS
Other than your time, there will be no additional costs to you.
PARTICIPANT RIGHTS
Your participation is voluntary. You are free to refuse to answer any question and the researcher will not probe for answers. If you wish to withdraw from this study at any time, the researcher will fully support you in your decision.
Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 126
CONTACTS FOR QUESTIONS
For any questions about this study, contact the researcher Stacey Boon at (604) 992-0078, or Dr. Kevin Alderson at (403) 220-6758.
For any questions about your rights as a research participant, contact the Athabasca University’s Research Ethics Board (REB). The REB is a group of people who review the research to protect research participants’ rights. The contact information for the REB is: Dr. Gina Wong-Wylie, Research Coordinator, Phone: (780)-434-5856.
If you are in distress because of participating in this interview, please contact the student researcher to debrief. If you require more support, the following local agencies provide low cost or free counselling services.
1. UBC Women’s Resource Centre, 800 Robson Street, Vancouver, BC, V6Z 3B7, Phone: 604-822-3415, Email: [email protected], Web: www.wrc.ubc.ca
2. Family services of Greater Vancouver 1616 West 7th Ave. Vancouver, BC, V6J 1S5, Phone: 607-31-4951, Web: www.fsgv.ca.
MORE INFORMATION
You will get a copy of this form to keep. You may also request a copy of the full study plan.
SIGNATURES
I agree to take part in this study.
Participant Name: ______
Signature of Participant: ______Date: ______
Researcher Name: ______
Signature of Researcher: ______Date: ______
By providing your email address or regular address below, you authorize Stacey to send you the themes that emerge from this research for your input:
Email or Regular Address: ______
Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 127
Demographic Sheet
1. Participant Name: ______Age: ______
2. Address: ______
______
3. Phone: ______
4. I identify as [ ] lesbian [ ] heterosexual [ ] bisexual [ ] I choose not to label myself
Other (please specify): ______5. Ethnicity: ____ AngloSaxon Canadian ____ French Canadian ____ First Nations Canadian or Metis ____ African Canadian ____ Asian Canadian ____ Other, please specify: ______
6. Highest education level completed: ______
7. Employment type: ______
8. Household income level: [ ] up to 20 000/year [ ] up to 30 000/year [ ] up to 40 000/year [ ] up to 50 000/year [ ] up to 60 000/year [ ] up to 80 000/year [ ] over 80 000/year
Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 128
Appendix C
THEMES QUESTIONNAIRE
Please put a check mark (!) beside each theme that you experienced at some time in the past and/or in the present in your relationships. If the question doesn’t apply, leave the “check here” column blank. CHECK # THEME HERE
Have you ever…. thought that there were few or no role models of lesbian couples while you 1. were growing up? thought that your family, friends, education, and the larger culture (books, 2. movies, songs, popular culture) did not inform you about lesbian relationships and lesbian sexuality? faced a verbal or physical attack as a result of your sexual behaviour or 3. sexual orientation? 4. experienced rejection as a result of your sexual orientation? 5. thought that homophobia is decreasing in Canada? 6. thought that heterocentrism is decreasing in Canada ? you or has your female partner ever, not been included in special events 7. and holiday celebrations with family? or has your female partner ever not been included in events, special events 8. and holiday celebrations with the larger community (i.e. neighbourhood or at work)? felt that your or your partners’ family did not appreciate or value your 9. relationship with your same-sex partner? worried about the repercussions of your same-sex involvement for your children or grandchildren? Or have you ever worried that your children or 10. grandchildren are more vulnerable to homophobia because of their young age? thought that homophobia and heterosexism (society valuing heterosexual 11. relationships more than same sex relationships) can be moderated by individual factors such personality, age, or maturity? felt there is no expectation from others that your same-sex partnership 12. would last long-term? felt more vulnerable because you do not have the protection of a male in a 13. lesbian relationship?
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Thought that heterosexual couples receive more acceptance, support, 14. validation, and celebration than lesbian couples? Felt that your male partner(s) were more welcome to family events and 15. special occasions than your female partner? Thought that raising children was harder for lesbian couples because of 16. homophobia society? felt that there is more financial security or more financial resources in a 17. heterosexual marriage? 18. thought that heterosexual couples have more rights than lesbian couples? thought that heterosexuals have more status and privileges in society than 19. lesbian couples? thought that honesty, commitment, trust, and humour are important to 20. relationship satisfaction in heterosexual marriages? thought that family support and social approval of heterosexual couples 21. contribute to their relationship satisfaction? thought that security (i.e. financial) contributes to relationship satisfaction 22. in heterosexual marriages? thought that mutual goals lend to relationship satisfaction for heterosexual 23. partners? thought that family goals and rearing children are the priority goals of 24. heterosexual married couples? felt that there was more of an emphasis on acquiring material things in a 25. heterosexual relationship? thought that a family’s acceptance of a husband or wife in a heterosexual 26. marriage can be influenced by individual factors (such as by the person’s personality traits or behaviour)? thought that emotional intimacy (closeness, honesty, openness) is key to 27. relationship satisfaction for women in lesbian relationships? thought that there was a heightened emotional intimacy (closeness, 28. honesty, connection, openness) in your lesbian relationships? 29. felt that you are more emotionally in tune with women partners? that it is important to relationship satisfaction that women in a lesbian 30. relationship have similar levels of self-acceptance as far as sexual orientation is concerned? 31. thought that being “out” enhances relationship satisfaction for lesbian couples? thought that social support from family and communities (inclusion and 32. acceptance) would enhance a lesbian relationship? thought that a lack of social support, inclusion, or validation could directly 33. damage a lesbian relationship? thought that a lack of social support, inclusion, or validation could 34. indirectly damage a lesbian relationship? thought that you have more freedom and opportunity to create with regard 35. to sexuality in a lesbian relationship? Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 130
thought that there is more freedom and opportunity to create your own 36. roles and responsibilities in a lesbian relationship? thought that diminished sexual activity or less frequent sex is a 37. characteristic of long-term relationships rather than a characteristic of heterosexual or lesbian relationships? thought that loss of identity is a challenge to partners in long-term… 38. relationships rather than to of partners of heterosexual or lesbian
relationships? 39. felt more intense emotional connection with your female partners? 40. felt like you are emotionally “on the same page” as your female partner? felt like you were equally as much emotionally “on the same page” as your 41. male partners? felt like you have prioritized different attributes (i.e., financial security, 42. ability to provide, values around childrearing) when choosing a male partner? thought that there is a more equal sharing of responsibilities with your 43. female partner? felt that you have a stronger sense of yourself in a lesbian relationship than 44. in a heterosexual relationship? felt that your sense of self is not defined by your relationship in lesbian 45. partnerships? felt that your sense of self is more defined by your relationship in a 46. heterosexual partnership? (i.e. wife, mother) thought that having more money or financial security can make life easier 47. and contribute to relationship satisfaction in a lesbian relationship? thought that there is more sharing, talking, and processing in lesbian 48. relationships? felt that there is a greater imbalance of power in a heterosexual 49. relationship? felt that men and women have competing agendas in a heterosexual 50. marriage? felt that men’s preferences or standards tend to dominate in a heterosexual 51. relationship? felt like you played a more mothering or care taking role in relationships 52. with men? thought that responsibilities were not equally shared in a heterosexual 53. relationship? thought that men are not as responsive to emotionality in heterosexual 54. relationships? thought that men are not as open to hearing about emotionality in 55. heterosexual relationships? 56. thought that men and women have different ideas about how to spend time? Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 131
felt that men and women have different experience and understanding and 57. perception of the world? thought that there is more pressure to conform to social norms (rituals, 58. having children, conforming to roles) in a heterosexual relationships? thought that due to more extended family involvement, there is less privacy 59. in a heterosexual relationship? thought that there is more focus on family (i.e. children) and less focus on 60. the couple in a heterosexual relationship? thought that women assume more childrearing roles and household 61. management responsibilities in a heterosexual relationship? Felt like responsibilities were not as equally shared in a heterosexual 62. marriage?
63. Thought that women have less independence in heterosexual relationships?
Thought that there was less intense emotional connection in your 64. heterosexual relationship? Thought that it is common to both lesbian and heterosexual partnerships 65. that couples must work out daily living arrangements and share responsibilities? Thought that sharing responsibilities is easier or requires less conscious 66. work in lesbian relationships? Thought that both heterosexual and lesbian couples deal with 67. communication problems? Thought that both heterosexual and lesbian couples mark (i.e. marriage, 68. commitment ceremonies, anniversaries) relationships similarly?
69. Thought both types of relationships involve sacrifice and negotiation?
Thought that it is common that situational factors or circumstances (i.e., 70. illness, work, children) can take precedence over the couple relationship at times? Thought that personality differences have to be navigated in both types of 71. relationships? Thought that a shared experience or basic understanding of what it means 72. to be a woman enhances the relationship between women? Thought that two women perceive things or think similarly more so than a 73. man and a woman?
74. That women share a common language? Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 132
Thought that women are more emotionally in tune and more aware of 75. emotional undercurrents than men? Felt greater comfort, confidence, or familiarity in a lesbian relationship 76. because women have similar bodies?
77. Felt that you experienced greater empathy in a relationship with a woman?
Experienced a greater sense of being “heard” or of having your feelings 78. validated more in a relationship with a woman? Thought that heightened intimacy in a relationship with a woman 79. contributes to better sex? Thought that sex between women requires more conscious awareness or 80. presence than sex with a man?
81. Thought that sex is less frequent, but better, in a lesbian relationship?
Thought that sex is better because it is less rule-bound or scripted between 82. women? Noticed that there is more cuddling, kissing, holding, play or baby-talk in 83. relationships with women?
84. Felt a greater sense of trust, ability to be vulnerable with a female partner?
thought that lesbian couples don’t have the same pressure to stay together 85. that heterosexual couple’s do? thought that there is less expectation from others that your relationship with 86. a woman will last? thought that women choose their lesbian partners for different reasons than 87. they would select a male partner? thought that although the reasons for choosing a female partner or male 88. partner are prioritized differently? thought that in choosing a male partner, women prioritize ability to provide 89. and family related traits (such as values around childrearing)? thought that women choose their female partners more for personal 90. fulfillment reasons? thought that there are wider definitions of beauty and less emphasis on 91. attractiveness in lesbian relationships? thought that mutual goals (taking a trip, having children) are prioritized 92. differently in heterosexual and lesbian relationships? Lesbian & Heterosexual Relationships 133
thought that women in lesbian relationships need better relationships skills 93. (i.e. such as communication skills) to stay together? thought that the lack of role models for lesbian couples is positive in that 94. women have more freedom to create their roles and define their relationship? thought that communication patterns in lesbian relationships and 95. heterosexual relationships are different? thought that there is more discussion and negotiation in relating with 96. female partners?
97. thought that fighting style is different in lesbian and relationships? thought that there is more of an emphasis or expectation of honesty and 98. openness in a relationship between women? thought that infidelity is processed differently, or is more openly discussed 99. in lesbian relationships? thought that engaging in a lesbian relationship, even if you haven’t been 100. “out”, has given you a sense of courage or pride? thought that your coming out was motivated by a sense of wanting to be a 101. positive role model for your children? thought that homophobia and heterosexism in society has both the potential 102. to harm or enhance the relationship between women depending on how they process it or respond to it? thought that being in the closet and self-monitoring takes energy and 103. attention away from the couple relationship? thought individual factors (i.e. personality, coping )are significant to how 104. well a relationship (lesbian or heterosexual) functions? Thought that some challenges that women in lesbian relationships face are 105. more specific to being a woman than to sexual orientation? Thought that homophobia and heterocentrism are diminishing as the social 106. and political climate changes? Thought that the directly or indirectly damaging effect of homophobia on 107. lesbian relationships is diminishing with sociopolitical changes?