VOL. 13—No. 2. 10 Cents a Copy. Copyrighted 1890, by Texas Siftings Pub. Co. NEW YORK AND LONDON, MAY 10, 1890. $4 per year in Advance.

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ADDING INSULT TO INJURY,

LITTLE WILLIE (WHO HAS BEEN REPULSED)—WHERE CAN I FIND SINCERITY ?

MISS BORED—WHY, IN THE. DICTIONARY, OF COURSE! TEXAS siv"ININcls

BISMARCK'S SUCCESSOR. and under his arm, and even catches occasional glimpses of it as the towel is being employed. He fidgets, and General Von Caprivi, the new President of the squirms, and mutters under his breath, if he don't growl Prussian Cabinet, in his initial speech to the Deputies, aloud : " Miss that engagement, sure." "Don't be so Fintered at the Lost office at New York, as Second Claes Mai 1l attar said he considered it a most favorable dispensation of particular." " Does it take all day to shave a man ?" Now, if the clock wasn't there he couldn't do that, and ALEX. E. SWEET, Providence that at the momenta Prince Bismarck's re- Editors. tirement " our august young monarch should be there it doesn't surprise me to learn that the barbers of New A. MINER GRISWOLD, c to fill the gap.' As it was " our august young mon- York have resolved to banish the clock during business arch " himself who hastened Bismarck's retirement, I can hours. They think that life by a barber's chair will be J. ARMOY KNOX, ,Manager. imagine that even the phlegmatic Prussian Deputies had less vexatious, A. A. B E R G E R, Ass't Mgr. difficulty in repressing a smile at this declaration. - t MIN WON'T STAY RESCUED. AN ACTOR OUT OF PLACE. NEW YORK, MAY 10, 1890. As a general thing, when a man has been rescued, The other night, at the Star Theatre, New York, he ought, in common gratitude to his rescuer, to remain TEXAS SIFTINGS can be obtained wholesale at all wholesz..e mews while W. H. Crane was doing his best as The Senator, rescued ; but Emin Past,). seems determined to prove Depots and at xo cents a copy on all News Stands. he was surprised to see his old partner, Stuart Robson, TEXAS SIFTINGS will be supplied to Newsdealers by any of the an exception to the rule. Stanley, who has been carry- wholesale News Companies. step upon the stage across the footlights and con- ing on a general exploring business in Africa for a TERMS OF SUBSCRIPTION. xtulate him upon his success. Had it been Joe Emmet number of years, in 'which he has been quite prosper- Any part of the United 'States or Canada, one year, postage paid, $4 00 ) had done this no one would have been astonished, ous, as we understand, hearing that Emin was in Foreign countries 75c. extra . bu Robson has some reputation for sobriety now, what- trouble went to his relief. He did this in the most All subscriptions must be paid in advance. eve): may have been his habits in earlier days. The disinterested way, and, in fact, at no small loss to him- Send money by express money order, post-office order or registered S.:Dator didn't look overmuch pleased, and the audience self. His regular business was neglected for a long letter to TEXAS SIFTINGS PUBLISHING CO., wasn't tickled to death. It is to be hoped that the ex- time. Orders upon orders for new and peculiar dis- 47 John Street, New York. ample won't be copied generally. We don't want to coveries that Stanley alone could make accumulated at see little Barrett stalking on to the stage at an un- his office, but they couldn't be filled, because no one The English edition of Texas Siftings is printed and 'Published expected place to congratulate Booth on the way in weekly In London, at the office of the Texas Siftings Publishing but Stanley could fill them, and he couldn't because his Co., 4 East Harding Street. which he is doing up Hamlet, and while we like Billy whole time was taken up in searching for Emin. His Florence and cannot see too much of him as a general long search was at length rewarded. He found his thing, we don't care to see him turn up in the most Persons desiring to have MSS. returned or coin- man, but to his astonishment Emin seemed averse to thrilling part of Rip Van Winkle, and reaching out his munleations answered, must inclose a stamped en- being rescued. Stanley is somewhat reticent upon the hand exclaim: " Jefferson, old boy, put it there ; you're velope with their address thereon. subject, but we infer that the Pasha made some resist- doing it bully !" Eds. Texas Siftings. ance, but Stanley having the strongest party the tin, grateful wretch was rescued iii IN " A. MINER KEY." tpire bf it. All along the rettirh March Einin Watched an oppor- PREVENTS iltS—a poor tailor. tunity to slip away froin his TABLE-TALK—PaSS the butter. rescuers and go babk, no matter how much he might go back WANAMAKER'S Great Display—cheek. On Stanley. A watch had to be PRACTICES fetich arts—the chiropodist. kept over him, and it was with the greatest difficulty that he FLUSH times began with Eve's first blush. was brought even to the bor- NEWMARKETS are chiefly found in old ones. ders of civilization. He found CORALS are brought up in a reef-form school. fault with everything—said the cooking was inferior to what it A ROUNDELAY—police interference at a prize-fight. was in Central Africa, and A GOOD printer can always tell how the case stands. swore that the liquor was abom- inable. In fact, he proved that A FACETIOUS toper calls his stomach a sample-room. when he fell out of a window I never had an early flame after a banquet they gave him To whom I would attention pay, to celebrate his release. And But what another fellow came And coolly stole my girl away ! now that Stanley has gone to England the news comes that THE Duke of Newcastle is going to sell his old the ungrateful Emin Pasha has castle. gone back to be rescued ttgaih: WHEN dentists go into partnership they ought to pull 13ut Stanley Wbh't do it, that's together. tertaih,

IT was a sarcophagus maker who said it is never too NO ROPE 'OR NEW YORK.

late tomb end. Maimmimaii= To cure an actor of ranting, rant back—Similia It is plain that hayseed legis- similibus curantur. lation for New York City is a failure. The country legislator THE State of trade—any State ready to trade off a' may be a very good and exem- Presidential election. plary man at home, all by him- How a locomotive engineer can make his own head- self, but when he gets to Albany light—by drinking too much. and there becomes an aggrega- IF Mrs. Burnett's new play, Nixie, fails to draw it tion of hayseeds, he is easily should be re-christened Nixie Blunt. viA corrupted. He learns to scent a job from afar, and is imme- THE Georgia Railroad must be wofully behind the diately seized with what Shaks- times; it never had a mortgage on it. peare calls an " itching palm." AMERICAN girls are not fond of domestic life. It is He can be bought considerably ruling their own domestics that they aspire to. cheaper than his brother legisla- tor from the city, owing to the IN THE PARK. " Oh, would I were a bird,'' he sang difference in house rent and the Throughout the live-long day ; BESS1E—You're a funny bird, Mr. Policeman. And passers-by in current slang cost of provisions, I suppose. Said, " So you are—a jay !" POLICEMAN—A bird, is it, ye take me fer? Do Ui look loike a burd, But how New York City can be now ? governed in the best interest of NEW YORKERS ought to be satisfied with any ticket at BESSIE—No, you don't look a bit like a bird, but nurse said you were its citizens is one of the most the next municipal election that would "sweep the a sparrow policeman, and sparrows are birds, you know. difficult problems of the hour. city." Should the World offer a prize COOLER counsel prevailed—when they put the culprit TO BANISH THE CLOCK. for the solution it would probably find that every in- in the "cooler" instead of lynching him, as at first pro- dividual had a special plan of his own. And so I pre- posed. One of the greatest annoyances. a New York barber sume things will go on in the same old way. The has to contend against is the manner in which the PATTI refused $1,000 for an essay on the voice—said streets will always be filthy and constantly torn up. she hadn't time to write it. Foolish girl ; doesn't she customer he's shaving regards the clock. When elected Saloons will continue to break the Sunday closing law, know that celebrities are not expected to write the to take the chair he says : " Quarter to three now. Got except when there is a spasmodic raid, of which they essays they sign ? an important engagement at three. Can you go over will be duly informed by the police where they are not my face in a quarter of an hour ?" In nine cases out of behind in their assessments; and the elevated roads WHEN the news became known that there had been ten it is a difficult face to go over in double that time, will keep on packing human beings into their cars like started "A Society of Young Girls of Pure Character but the barber is anxious to please, so he undertakes hogs. Upon the Stage," everybody wanted to know what was the job. But never does his customer take his eye off their character when off the stage. that clock. He squints at it over the barber's shoulder, OUT of all reason—the hopelessly insane.

•INEx_A_s SIFTING • 3 zd A HISTORY OF FRANCE claimed King of France at Paris, and at the same with a vigor unknown before. Months, years flit past Wl time a similar claim Was ,inade for Charles VII., at a like dogs with tin cans tied to their continuations. We so FOR YOUNG PEOPLE. i)rovincial castle near Bourges. John, Duke of Bedford, are not as supple as we ()nee were, and " vittles " 'AO an English prince of the blood, assumed the govern- not taste like they did when we tramped twenty or BY A. MINER GRISWOLD. , 1 , td ment of France in the name of his infant nephew, thirty miles with a fishing pole or gun at tie age of PART XXVII. fienry VI., He , was greatly strengthened by his al- sweet sixteen. Finally our eyes groW duller, and with ess T was during the liancen with the Duke of Burgundy, and the union was stooping forni and shuffling gait we approach that dark; be reign of Charles cemented by the marriage of the regent to one of the mist-covered valley, which when we stood in the vest!- VI. that Henry V. duke's sisters. Paris acknowledged his government, bule of life and played " hookey " seemed so far off. of England invad- and all the provinces north of the Loire. You must ed France, won fix these things well in your mind, my children, in COMPLIMENTARY MENTION. the memorable order that you may understand the efforts made by battle of Agin- France during the reign of Charles VII. to free itself Strong-minded people often affect to despise compli- court (so called ments; and yet very few people like to be entirely with- 'ore from English dominion, of which the Jeanne Darc epi- from a castle of sode was a striking incident. out them. " Hardly," says a noted writer, " will you rTY. that name near Charles VII., surnamed " the Victori- meet with anybody, man or woman, ever so aged or ill- w a the battlefield), ous," began his reign (1422) under very dis- formed, but if you venture to commend them for their Per. and subdued near- couraging circumstances. He was deri- comeliness will show traces of appreciation." ; in ly the whole of sively called " King of Bourges," as he had And why not? Very often a compliment arises out lost Normandy. The fixed the seat of his government in Bourges, of pure good nature, and as Dickens has shown in his quarrels between the rival factions in France rendered and it was for a time the only city in France ong this possible. Henry made peace on condition of receiv- that acknowledged his power. He was dis. ing the Princess Catherine, daughter of Charles VI., in reduced to a miserable state for a king. d at marriage, being made Regent of France during the He had neither army nor money, and was one rest of the king's lifetime and succeeding to the French so poor in purse that he couldn't afford to his crown at his death. employ servants. Some faithful old gen- His According to all accounts Catherine was a beautiful erals stuck by him, however, and acted as 1 his and amiable princess, and when Henry took his bride to serviteurs. It was a touching thing to see e to England her reception was a splendid one and she was these veterans doing the housework, while the crowned with great glory and honor: This peace was they endeavored to cheer up the drooping sist. called the Perpetual Peace, but it didn't last lon • z.ti Henry returned to Fran,- eArs?',ZatilgiV.- 4 sN.LY ' MV • - • NR4,41.1elff c'...Ittk *4114 pt4 :_ePi=l" ,e d it the exper ,diest; 1.47:4111 o . ‘‘% nes, nea ;e1 v tint ''IsANI, Thos ,a '10 II il 11 :NW I, his ;nes the '‘;'74,-'''' 4' '•%./47 itter the " Pri ..1--":::"... '*ft 4 • • •••:":zs., 7 `-'.& 444, NS*7:•• )ack his yout „‘ ‘• 1 obe the way Alti$4f01.;‘;/V N• A with king, pr "44 he yet the ri! time, r bor- "P nd and se 4, the night 1 Tharles VII. of France in poverty and idstress—His old It it F 4 , generals do the housework. and ti GLOVES ON THE ELEVATED. that .rth rollicking, jolly characters, how pleasing such good na- ture i3 to the very best of us. dory MR. HAYSEED (who is very near-sighted, to his spouse)—Soap must be skeecm• If we sift the matter, we shall find implanted in us it him And se Mits. HAYSEED--What makes you think so, Joshua ? -ab- all a most powerful and useful moral agent, called love knd pain MR. HAYsEED—Waal, jest look at the color of them hands. Less of approbation or praise; and that a compliment is very e to " sen the vk the like the real and genuine thing which even the most that " Do you think, John, you could get up your ol agair AUSTIN URGED TO JOIN THE WOMAN'S inveterate pessimist likes. If used for base purposes it has meals while I attended the Women's Club Conventionen. t T. CLUB MOVEMENT. is base; if used for simple good nature and good humor ;ain. " 'Course I could, and be glad to. As my prospJ 1 died „,ion it is one of the most delightful things in the world. iat's don't see your name among the delegates to the of becoming famous grow dimmer I am turning to diem. you rj.tes ntion of the Women's Clubs," said Mr. Austin,sar- to cast glory upon the name of Austin. And ABOUT CHARITY. lly, he laid down the morning paper. only do it by going. into this Worneni- Chih illicit,. • The best charity is not that which giv- !gisr• eth alms, whether secretly or with ostenta- is a tion. The best charity—that which work- ator eth no evil "—is the charity that prompts ;ern• us to think and speak well of our neighbors. aim- We are all ashamed to confess that our )any criii'ckest instincts are to think ill of others or to magnify the ill of which we hear. ega• asily There is a universal shrugging of shoulders, rent as much as to say: "•Well, I expected as much." " It is just like him." " I had my ime• suspicions," and thus on through an end- aks• less chapter, with which every reader will lm." be more or less familiar from his or her own ably experience, isla• The charity that gives is good, but the ) the charity that makes us " think no evil " is 1 the better, and it alone is the charity that lose, covers a multitude of sins. n be st of post AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE. our. Colored Waiter—I jes"spise dis heah wig slang. 'Pears like you can't go nowhar but you heahs some of de mis'ble trash. Now, it's in de soup—in de soup—wha'ever you The goes—eve'thing's in de soup. up. Boarder—Not quite everything, Julius. aw, Didn't you say that this is chicken soup ? hey Yes, sah. not Well, I'm dead sure there's no chicken ads in the soup and never has been. like Race track dinners should be served in Prince Hal fails to recognize Falstaff when he becomes Henry V. of England. courses.

4 TEXAS SIFT1~Y~1 S.

LIFE ON THE OCEAN WAVE. prise in which the sailors spent a great many of their be done day before yesterday. My mother warned me leisure hours. It was customary to lock them up in the of it before I married you. If there is anything I hate H E published cellar, pour a ton or so of coal on them, and go away it is procrastination ! If there's anything I abominate testimony of and forget the combination. No wonder the sailors it's a shiftless man !" Commander Mc- grumbled. Even the barrel hoop will turn when it is " Go down and give it to the servants," said the Calla, of the trod on, and so will a worm. dying man, huskily. American navy, Another sailor was struck on the head so violently " He wanders," repeated the agitated woman, rising whose conduct that he lost all consciousness, so he testified under oath. hastily to make frantic passes at a fly resting in the sun- has just been ex- And when he was asked if he thought he had ever fully shine on the wall. " This house is overrun with ver- plored officially, recovered from it, he replied that at times he still had his min from cellar to garret. It makes no difference how is not calculated doubts. There is no doubt that some of the sailors were much I toil, and delve, and drudge, and work my to reassure the not perfect gentlemen, but that is not strange. Even fingers to the bone, and wear old clothes and look, like a small boy who the gentle shepherds have some crooks among them. fright. William ! if you don't get me some exterminator has been con- Every attempt on the part of the sailors, While the to-morrow If templating run- ship was abroad, to obtain justice failed, until they " It's unnecessary," interrupted the gentleman ad- ning away to actually were afraid to make a mere statement for fear of dressed, with a sad sweet smile. " I—I guess sea, as a pre- committing themselves ; they began to think that justice manage to—to go off—withouti t." __ ‘s_ liminary step to was being meted out to them in strawberry boxes, and His head fell back acid there was a strange look in becoming a that the arm of the law should be worn in a sling, so his eyes. pirate. After lame was it. " He's dead !" shrieked the widow, throwing herself reading about The cruise of the Enterprise .abounded in new-laid upon the lifeless form and weeping violently. " I had the treatment of the sailor on board of the Enterprise, horrors freshly picked from the vine, to use a mixed forgotten that he was dying—I had so much to think of he will naturally prefer to go West and assist the in- metaphor, which caused the hair of the poor sailor to Nothing goes right in this house. My poor, patient trepid but overworked scout in rescuing captive curdle in his veins, and every drop of blood on his head husband !" maidens, and culling ripe Indian scalps at so much per to stand on end and howl, as it were. , There was the sound of approaching feet. cull. To the bilious man who is afraid of death, a voyage " Go 'way !" she screamed. " Leave me alone with The officers, themselves, on board of the Enterprise on an American man-of-war must be a lovely boon. my dead ! But stay," she added, recognizing the hired were at times, when they had access to liquor, not per- Before he is fairly out of sight of land he will wish he girl. " Go straight to the undertaker's, Susan, and tell fectly sober. It very often happened that one of them could die. ALEX. E. SWEET. him to come at once ; and if he slurs this job as he has would call the attention of a brother officer to the fact that a coil of rope had begun to wriggle and was dart- hand &X.Claim.- - • , ing out its forked tongue at him. And it seems that the doing it bully !" ance, but Stanley-Idiiitrirtne---surx,6%,,,.. r _ men were not much better off. Sea serpents, au naturel, grateful wretch was seems to have been a permanent feature of the menu. qiite of it. All along A man may smile, and smile some more, and keep march min Watched on smiling, and go to bed without removing his boots, tunity to slip away and still not be such a bad fellow, after all ; but, some- rescuers and go batk, how or other, McCalla seems to have struck fighting how much he might whisky every time ; and then his sword was swinging On Stanley. A watch around in the air like the enraged tail of a circus lion kept 'o'ver him, and it whom some visitor had prodded with his umbrella in 'the greatest difficulty the interests of science. was brought even to At the beginning of the cruise the sailors were ders of civilization. H treated with some consideration, but afterwards Com- fault with everything—; mander McCalla got into the habit of whacking them cooking was inferior to with his trusty blade. Then the sailors looked back at was in Central Africa the previous pleasant time with feelings similar to those swore that the liquor was of the poor Irish woman, whose husband beat her with inable. In fact, he prov' a poker. She said in court, referring to her honeymoon: when he fell out of a v "Ah, thim were happy days when Pat only hit me wid i after a banquet they g. his fist, and niver thought of batin' me wid de poker." to celebrate his release. In some respects the life of a sailor on an American now that Stanley has g man-of-war differs materially from that of the happy England the news corm tar we see on the stage. On the stage the sailor al- the ungrateful Emin Pas ways has a pleasant smile on his face, and is dancing a gone back to be restiled hornpipe, or a jig, or spinning a yarn to his mates, But Stanley Won't tiO it, which he could not do when the only old gag he had certain, was a bayonet. If the sailor on the Enterprise danced the hornpipe, NO HOPE FOR NEW others I've heard of I'll never give him another as long he must have done it under the most discouraging AN ACTIVE WOMAN'S GRIEF. as I live. Undertakers are so shiftless." circumstances. As a general thing, he wore a strait- A gleam of sunlight stole into the room and rested jacket. To people who have lived in a Harlem flat, or " You are going to die, William," remarked a lady for a moment on the dead man's face. " I declare !" been obliged to ride daily on the crowded elevated of energetic nature to her poor little husband. " The exclaimed the heart-broken woman, " I told Susan to trains, a strait-jacket may not seem to be much of a doctor says you can't live two hours." close the blind tight and she hasn't done it. We shall punishment, but it is, at all events, not calculated to "Very well," responded William, in a weak voice, but all be covered with dust and the carpet will be ruined. hilarity when a man does not change his with a sigh of relief ; " go down and blow up the ser- jacket I shall discharge Susan as soon as the funeral is over." for a week at a time. Besides, on '-oard of the Enter- vants at once." She put her handkerchief to her eyes, and, having prise, it was fashionable to wear cuffs very close around "INh—what ?" said the agitated woman, bending over found the requisite time, wept bitterly. the wrist. In fact, the average sailor's limbs were so him. ROCHESTER. copiously festooned with chains that at a distance he " Free your mind, Nancy, free your mind," he must have looked like a graven image of Lafayette or gasped feebly. " I shall be as quick about it as pos- RAPID TRANSIT ILLUSTRATED. Washington on Decoration Day. By the bye, Com- sible, but I shall try your patience. Blow enough to mander McCalla's deck orations were very forcible in make you cheerful a couple of hours, and by that time Young Smith—You didn't stay very long at The their language, but lacked the polish peculiar to a cer- I shall be out of the way. I shall never have another Poplars last evening, where you went to see the Pipps tain New York after-dinner speaker when he is half seas opportunity, and I want to die in peace." girl. over. The sailors complain that they led a dog's life of " He wanders," said the lady to herself, scowling Young Brown—No, I didn't. Old Pipps broke in on through her tears at some cheerful voices that store into us and gave me a hint to go. the room of death from the street below. Then she What did he say ? added, " I wonder if those pesky triflers don't know He opened the outside door and asked me what I there's some dying going on up here. I shall speak to the thought of rapid transit. policeman about this. It's a shame that I've got to be What did you do ? worried and worried to death, when my heart is so full I gave him an immediate illustration of it. of other matters that I can't find time to think. Here I've been AT A SOCIAL GATHERING. " I should like to comfort you," interrupted the rapidly failing man, with a faint smile of apology, Pencil (to scissors editor of alleged humorous de- " but the truth is I've got so much of my own dying on partment of the Earth)—Give us a funny story from hand that I can't find the time. Bear up, my dear. I'll your next issue. call around at the station-house and make complaint Sinnick (sarcastically)—He can't ! of those thoughtless fellows to-mor—or rather, I'll send A RARE FREAK. my ghost." it, and as they were chained together like so many links " William !" ejaculated the grief-stricken woman, Countryman (in dime museum)—Say, hub, what sort of sausage, there is some apparent truth in the allega- " that's just like you. Always too shiftless for any- of a curiosity be you? tion. There was also a dungeon on board of the Enter- thing. Always putting off until to-morrow what should Freak—I'm the hoy what never whistles, TEXAS SIFTINGS. 5

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GLOVES ON THE ELEVATED. MR. HAYSEED (who is very near-sighted, to his spouse)—Soap must be skeers in New York, Jerushy. MRS. HAYSEED--What makes you think so, Joshua ? MR. HAYSEED—Waal, jest look at the color of them hands.

MRS. AUSTIN URGED TO JOIN THE WOMAN'S " Do you think, John, you could get up your own tired and hungry. He went straight to the dining- CLUB MOVEMENT. meals while I attended the Women's Club Convention ?'' room, and found on the table some dry bread and a bit " 'Course I could, and be glad to. As my prospects of cold ham, with a note from his wife which read: " I don't see your name among the delegates to the of becoming famous grow dimmer I am turning to you " DEAR JOHN—I have taken your advice and gone to Convention of the Women's Clubs," said Mr. Austin,sar- to cast glory upon the name of Austin. And you can the Women's Club Convention. I have soared above castically, as he laid down the morning paper. only do it by going into this Women's Club business." the kitchen, and have left a frugal repast for you as " Oh, don't you !" replied Mrs. A., coloring up. "I " Well, I have my doubts about succeeding," said you suggested. I would advise you not to sit up for wonder what time I can give to Women's Clubs, slaving Mrs. Austin, ruefully, "but I'll try." me, as I may stay to the evening session. And should from morning till night as I do to keep this house in That evening Mr. Austin came home from his work, I go and stay over night with some of the sisters, you order, and not a servant to help me." can take a bowl of bread and milk for your breakfast, " Oh, you do a great deal that you don't need to do, consoled with the thought that I have taken a position Mrs. Austin. We could live more frugally and be just among the noble women of the land—in short, have as healthy. A bowl of bread and milk for breakfast, for embarked on4we',0jon. Yours faithfully, MATILDA." instance, is quite enough." Mrs. Austin diak,t1,me back that evening, and the " You say that after you have stuffed yourself with first thing she had to t.et about was to cook a big meal steak and eggs, and potatoes, and pancakes, and coffee. for that cross and hungry bear, her husband. He I would like to see you breakfasting on bread and milk would have gone crazy if she hadn't. alone." "Then a simple dish of cold pork and beans at noon," A DANGEROUS PRECEDENT. said Mr. Austin, continuing his economical reflections, John P. Smith, the veteran manager, is one of the "would carry us through the day; just see how much- oldest and most popular members of the Elks of New time you would save. Some of the most prominent York City, of which association he was at one time the women in town belong to the Women's Club, and they presiding officer. At one of the lodge meetings not long couldn't if they tied themselves down to housework, as ago, the question was brought up of donating his ac- you persist in doing." cumulated dues to a member of the lodge who was in "As I persist in doing, Mr. Austin ? Who would do an asylum being treated for softening of the brain. it if I didn't, I would like to know. You say you can't Some spoke in favor of the proposition and it was likely afford to hire help in the kitchen." to be carried, until John P. got on his feet. " But, my dear, let the kitchen run itself. Soar " Mr. President," said he, in a tone of the utmost above the kitchen. Set out a little cold ham and bread gravity, "it seems to me that you are establishing a and I will be content, so that I know you are taking dangerous and destructive precedent." your position among the noble women of the land." " In w'hat way ?" asked a brother Elk. " What would it amount to if I did ?" " Why, if we are going to donate dues to all mem- " What would it amount to ? Why, you would see bers of this society who are suffering from softening of your name in the papers in the daily reports of the pro- the brain, wp might as well shut up the lodge rooms." ceedings of the Federation of Women's Clubs, right TIT FOR TAT. This sally brought a big laugh and the proposition alongside of Susan B. Anthony, Mrs. Stanton, Ella failed to carry. Dietz Clymer, and lots of 'em ! What would I care if I MRS. FUSSY—I saw you coming out of a saloon, never had a meal again if I could read the name of Mrs. John, when I was in the next street shopping. The secret ballot is nothing new. Wives have en- John Austin in that splendid constellation of workers for MR. FUSSY—My dear, you shouldn't do your tertained it regarding their husbands almost since mar- the good of the female 'sex." shopping in the neighborhood of saloons ! riage was instituted. 6 TEXAS SIFTINGS.

HOW TO GET AROUND NEW YORK. perils are none the less actual because of the fact that GERMAN JOKES. very few people get killed. It is said that half a million (Translated for Texas Siftings.) HE stranger passengers a day travel on these four roads combined, BY ALEX. E. SWEET. who comes to the and it is certainly evidence of great skill and good luck I'I' HAPPENED AT EASTER. great city and that so few persons have been killed or injured in the Fritz—What is mamma doing in the garden ? finds it necessary dozen years the roads have been in operation. More- Karl—She is laying the Easter eggs in the grass for to get around over, detentions and irregular running of trains are very us to hunt for them. much, is very unusual, which is another most remarkable thing, con- Fritz—Is that so ? Why don't she cackle I likely to have sidering the great volume of travel. somebody g e t Short of being maimed, or killed outright, however, PLEASURES OF THE IMAGINATION. around him un- the traveler may expect almost anything in the way of " Tell me a story, grandma." less he is pretty discomfort. If he boards a train in the busy hours, he " What kind of a story do you want, Tommy ?" w ell informed. will be likely to get his breath squeezed out of him in " Tell me a story with plenty of raisins and candy in The trouble, the mad rush of frenzied people all anxious for the seats it, and a dog." though, comes that comparatively few will get. Most persons prefer to COLD COMFORT. from the applica- sit clown, though it is questionable whether it is most Creditor—When are you going to pay your debts? bility to man- comfortable to sit and be trodden on, to stand and tread Debtor—That's none of your confounded business. kind of Carlyle's on others, or to hang yourself to the roof of the car by But I need my money. classification of a strap which the company kindly provides for the pur- That's none of my confounded business. Britons. He said pose, and swing loosely around, bumping against all WHY HE WAS PUZZLED. your immediate neighbors. It is a choice of evils. they were- Visitor—How are you coming on, old fellow ? " about forty millions, mostly fools." Still, although Perhaps the unfortunates who hang themselves get Invalid Inebriate—I'm puzzled just now. The doc- this rule sometimes seems to hold good, there are people the best conception of the greatest peril of the roads. tor has prescribed brandy. who come to New York who are not fools. Conse- It is a well established rule in railroad building, that the Well, vou are not puzzled to know what to do with quently, being here, they naturally want to go around, outer rail on a curve should be higher than the inner that, are you ? more or less, and see the wonders of a city which is rail. The object—to prevent the train from being No, I know it must be taken inwardly. I didn't in- in many ways the most wonderful on earth. carried off the track by its own impetus—is easily under- tend to use it as a liniment. How to get around is more of a problem than one stood, by any intelligent person. When these roads Then what puzzles you ? realizes until he attempts to solve it. I venture to say were built, this was not done at a single one of the The doctor did not tell me what dose to take, and that not one citizen of New York in every ten could curves. Since then, this radical and amazing error has now I don't know whether a bottle of brandy is taken stand an examination on the means of travel from one been corrected in a number of places, but has not been in one or two closes. point to another in the city. For example, how many rectified in other places. I have had some of the A THREATENED EGG FAMINE. men could tell off-hand the quickest and most con- veteran engineers of the road tell me that they never Pa (dressed for hunting)—I am going to bring home venient way to go from Fort George to the Grand Street bring a train around from Ninth avenue to Fifty-third a lot of rabbits. Ferry, or from the Brooklyn Bridge to the White Star street without shuddering at the danger. Mamie—Are you going to shoot rabbits sure enough, dock ? Yet there are few active citizens who do not use Notwithstanding all these and many other draw- pa? one, two or more of the different " lines" every day, backs, the elevated railroads are, like the telephone, the Yes, Mamie dear. electric lights, and 0, don't do that, pa. If you kill all the rabbits other instruments of where will we get Easter eggs next year ? torture and assassina- tion, really indispens- A MYSTERY EXPLAINED. a b 1 e to modern con- A.—Did you ever see a race between a balloon and a ditions of life in the railroad train ? metropolis. To suspend B.—No, and I don't suppose anybody else ever did. their operation for a day A.—Well, I have seen that very thing. would be to partially B.—How was it possible for the balloon to travel in paralyze business. the same direction with the train ? For real enjoyment A.—The balloon couldn't help itself. It was packed and mighty exhilara- up in the baggage-car. tion, one should ride in AT A BALL. t h e surface cars, so- She—Your brother ought to get married. He is too called, instead of climb- good a young man to pine himself away in single ing up to the elevated. blessedness. There are some twelve He—He has made up his mind never to marry. He is going to be a preacher. or thirteen lines of But a great many preachers marry,why should not he? horse-cars that run up b and down the city ; nine He is afraid if he marries that he may have a son, and everybody knows how preachers' sons turn out. 0 that run across it, and one that runs around MEDICAL ITEM. the lower half, from Father—How is my boy coming on at school? Fifty-ninth street down. Teacher—He is making considerable progress in all This is called the Belt his studies, but his handwriting is as bad as ever. I don't think he ever will learn to write a decent hand. line, partially for the a That will not be any drawback to him. I'm going Obstructions in Front, Danger Behind. , reason that the con- ductors and drivers are to make a doctor of him. and many who are familiar with number of always ready to belt sheol out of anybody that suggests Well, I think from his handwriting that he will make a very good doctor. them. a possible improvement in the management. Besides if Undoubtedly the best way to go around, even in so all these there is a cable road uptown. a fashionable large a place as New York, is to walk. Thousands of line of stages run in the interest of Sabbatarianism by interesting sights on every hand are missed by the lazy the pious editor of the Wail of Distress, and half a or hasty man who hasn't the inclination or time to walk. dozen other lines of cars that go nowhere in particular. ii He loses, for instance, the restful and gladdening sense They just meander. of calm enjoyment that comes from the cleanliness of These are of various degrees. They are slow, slower our streets, to say nothing of missing the pungent per- and slowest ; dirty, dirtier and dirtiest ; crowded, fumes that arise in some few places where the streets crowdeder and crowdedest. The ambition of the man- are not so clean. He has not the same opportunities to agement of most of them seems to be to reach the walk around in the gutters or the middle of the street superlative degree of excelling in these particulars. in those places where the sidewalks are given up to Dogs are not allowed to travel on these cars. There merchants, and occupied by their barrels and bales and may, perhaps, be some other rules established for the boxes. He is not so likely to meet the cordial and comfort of the passengers, but it so I cannot recall courteous bunco-steerer, or to be caught by the neck them. They are not enforced. and run into a second-hand clothing store, where he will Chimerical projects are started, from time to time, buy a brown paper overcoat in order to get out without by visionary citizens who consider that this condition of being assaulted. things should be improved, and who are anxious to But for him who is willing to forego these joys, there spend millions of money for the benefit of the com- are other pleasures that go far toward serving as sub- munity. It is generally believed, however, that they stitutes. Jf he would ride, let him put nickels in his might be able to make a profit out of their schemes, and purse. He can ride on any line, and for any distance therefore all manner of objections are raised, and they up to nine or ten miles, for five cents. Let him also are not only prevented from carrying out their iniquitous • possess himself with patience, and carry with him all plans, but they are held up to the execration of all the good nature he has. He may need both. right-minded citizens. Lengthwise of the city run four elevated railroads, After all, if you don't like the cars, you can take a all under the same management, and all offering the cab, or walk. same discomforts and perils in varying degrees. The DAVID A. CURTIS. On the " L. ' TEXAS 7

A SMALL BOY'S COMPOSITION.

The disobedience of parents is often the cause of a great deal of uneasiness to their offspring. There are many men in the prison at Sing Sing who began to commit crimes by being disobedient to their child- ren. Disobedient parents are often the result of too indulgent children. Of course parents have their privileges, and do not relish hav- yin ing them interfered with, but it is the duty of every conscious child to see that his BY STEPHEN MASSETT. parents do not assume too much authority. Hurrah ! for Buffalo Bill and his band, Parents are naturally presuming, unless For they've captured the "Seven-hill'd city;" they are checked up once in a while. His "cowboys" have made "Rome howl" with delight, The child who fails to keep a tight rein And his "braves" echo the "war whoop" ditty; on the reckless parent is, sooner or later, For the wild horses of Rome that no man could tame, sure to have his gray hair brought down in Or ride—for the matter of fact— sorrow to the grave. There is a wise old loc. In their hands are gentle, from foot to mane, adage: " Bring up a child in the way he Showing these Western boys, courage and tact. should go, and when he is old he will not vith * * * djpart from it." For the dukes, lords and ladies of high degree. Obedient and good parents make useful in. The Pope, Cardinal, bishops, all came to see men and women when they grow up. The "Wild West" show of "Buffalo Bill" HE HAD BEEN DECEIVED. And his "cowboys," daring and wonderful skill. and For no one in Rome, whether absent or present, A humorist, who recently married a ken From the high ones in the land to the lowliest peasant, young lady with beautiful teeth, because Their wild horses could ride—or even astride— she always indulged in vociferous hilarity at his jokes, Until Buffalo Bill's boys dashing along came, now wants to obtain a divorce. He claims that he has )me Putting at once all other horsemen to shame, been deceived basely. It seems that the teeth were The "cowboys" of the West are unconscious of fear, And with the breezy coolness of the Western slope false, and she only wears them now when they have And the welkin will ring, with cheer upon cheer, gh, Tamed them at once—right in sight of the Pope ! company. When her beautiful ivories are reposing When they return once again to "Home, Sweet Home," * * * * quietly in a glass of water on the bureau he says her ap- And tell of their wonderful ride in Rome ! Then hurrah ! for Buffalo Bill and his boys ! preciation for humor isn't so dunned keen. bits For the wild horses of Rome, to them, are but toys! --From N. Y. Work:. FIRST HORSE ON THE JOKER. SHE KNEW ALL ABOUT A BOAT. NOT DISMAYED. Id a Brown (with great solemnity)—You're the very man Aramantha (to her lover, who has just proposed)— I want to see, Smith. I was over to our friend Jones' lid. They were registered Mr. and Mrs. Brown at the hotel in the little village on the Sound. In half an hour Before I give you an answer I have a secret to impart. house this morning and (dropping his voice to a tragic Lover—What is it, dearest ? whisper) I found him—don't breathe this, now, to a liv- 1 in after their arrival Mrs. Brown was overheard to say to her husband, " See he. ;, Brown, J want to take a ride Aramantha (blushing and stammering)—My—my ing soul. I hate to mention it even to you, but I think in one of them boats." teeth are false. some of his friends ought to know of it and save him if ked " Of course, love, but wouldn't it be better to wait Lover (heroically)—No matter; I'll marry you in possible. I found him hitting the pipe. until after dinner ? Nobody goes sailing at this time o' spite of your teeth ! Smith (smiling)—Yes, I saw hiM myself. It was day. Don't you see that all the boats are tied up or that long pipe from hic hall stove. Stimulants on too drawn ashore ?" An exchange says the Georgia Railroad has never you? gle " Botheration ! Brown, get a boat." killed a passenger. No; passengers die of old age be- Brown k with even greater solemnity)—Yes, I sup- Brown yielded, and arm-in-ai-m they marched down fore they get to the end of their journey. pose so. He to the landing. " See here Brown, (his name wasn't See here Brown, he? but she addressed him in that way oftener than in any ,on, other), did you ever row a boat ?" Brown had to acknowledge that he never did, but he was willing to try. " Then I'll teach you," said Mrs. Brown confidently. all The little craft rocked lightly on ten feet of clear , I water, at the bottom of which were strewn the usual 1. assortment of oyster cans, broken crockery, mussel ping shells and old boot legs. " Now, my dear," said Brown, " be careful how you ake get into the boat. Don't jump into it, or try to get into it head-foremost, or upon all fours, but put one foot on each side and " " See here, Brown, do you s'pose I've never been in a boat before ? Don't I know that them two little pegs in the side of the boat are a sort o' stirrup for a lady to put her foot into, this way, so as to " " No, no !" shrieked Brown, but it was too late. The lady had put her foot into it. Her 165 pounds avoirdupois was too much, and as the boat ported and turned up its keel for the sun to kiss she keeled too, and went to the bottom of the bay among the oyster shells, 10111rilrivfloi etc. And the boat-hook that hauled her out ruined her ,tifmilloirintlill[011flii11111111111111 best dress.

JUST PUNISHMENT.

Mother—Come in now, Tommy, and put on your clean clothes. Tommy (playing ball in the back lot)—All right. Soon's I make a base hit. Mother (two hours later)—You, Thomas! Come right here, sir. Thomas obeys and gets a sound thrashing which, he bears heroically, remarking at the close, " Served me just right, so it did." ANTICIPATING THE HAPPY DAY. Mother—For not obeying mamma ? JUDGE—Have you taken an oath before ? Tommy—No. For not making a base hit on that FEMALE WITNESS—No, your Honor, but I expect to next week at the altar. I am to be married on chump of a pitcher. Wednesday.

8 a•Ex.A_S

A SOCIETY NOVEL. kicked him all the way from the sitting-room to the " Reckon that's about it. Lot of ke-ar-pet baggers." front door, informing him that if he ever showed his " \Vish they'd stay up No'th in their own country, BEVERLY BEGUM, A COARSE, BRUTAL DUDE; OR, TRUE LOVE face again at the Begum mansion death would quickly where they belong. I've no use for a Yankee, nohow." GETS THERE IN THE END. follow. " Nor I either, Colonel; don't like a hair of his Fortunately the doo-med youth had accumulated a head." BY LEWIS M. SWEET. five-dollar bill which had nestled lazily in Beverly Be- " I ain't a sayin' nothin agin the government, under- gum's pants that morning, so he was not entirely desti- stand. Government's all right enough, 'cept that d—d N a large, copious tute of resources. He wandered up and down the government tax ou cotton." bay window, streets of New York, looking for a cheap ten-cent throne " I wouldn't raise a hand agin their old Union, which fairly over- on which his brain could totter. At one place a bold Colonel." flowed with rare woman stared at him, which caused him to blush vio- " Nor I, Major. Let 'em wave the star-spangled tropical plants, lently and has- banner. I tried to punch a few stars out of it, but I c h rysanthemums ten away. At won't do it again. I'm getting too old." and other posies, last he summon- " But I wouldn't mind punching some d—d Yank— stood a fair young ed up courage hello, Cap'n, how de do ?" boy, shabbily to ask a police- The " Cap'n ",was an ex-Union officer—one of them dressed, weeping man where there " d—d Yankees "—but a warm friend of both ex-rebs. a perfect hemor- was a first-class His presence recalled the fact that they were not in At- rhage of tears. boarding - house lanta, Georgia, but in New York, and a waiter being The fair youth that was at the called all three veterans united in " drowning the bitter was Orlando same time cheap. recollections of the war." Snooks, a relative Orlando's plead- • —• of Beverly Be- ing softened the SATISFIED WITH HIS PEW. gum, the wealthy stony heart of owner of the the cop, and he ' " There's only one fault I have to find with Dr. Pul- premises. Orlando's father had been wealthy, but he conducted him to pit's sermons," said Mrs. Poots, whose pew is in the went into bankruptcy just before he died, leaving his a boarding- back part of a large and fashionable church. only son dependent upon the charity of his rich cousin, house, from " What's that ?" asked Mr. P. Beverly Begum, a brutal dude. which oozed the " I can't hear one word he says." At the time at which my story opens, Geraldine aroma of boiled Humph! That's just what I like about 'em," Bacon, a Chicago heiress, was a visitor at the Begum cabbage. Next grunted Poots. mansion. She was a tall, imperial, tailor-made girl, morning, when 41.-• and her figure was beautiful—being two hundred thou- Orlando awoke, A LOSING SPECULATION. sand in her own right. She was regarded as the richest the sun was shin- Meeting of Orlando and Geraldine. prize in the matrimonial market, and none realized this ing through a Young Admirer—What exquisitely beautiful teeth more fully than Beverly Begum, but she loved him not dingy little window—as is usual in such novels as this. you have, Mrs. Dashaway. I'd give a thousand dollars except as a distant sister. Life had now begun in earnest—he was compelled to for such teeth. Geraldine had often noticed the fair-haired boy break the five-dollar bill. He must now find employ- Brutal Husband—You would be $993 loser on that grooming the cuspidors and doing other menial work ment or do without eating. Fortunately he succeeded bargain, young man. The whole set only cost $7. about the premises with cheerful mien and a large in obtaining employment as an elevator boy in a large patch in his pants where it could be seen. Once Ger- building on Broadway. THE RIGHT TIME. aldine asked Beverly who the boy was, but Bev replied Often, as he slid up and down, his thoughts would with a fresh-baked sneer that the boy was a beggarly wander back to a dark, handsome face, with dandy First Clerk—Do you think old Wiggins will raise my relative. One day, while visiting at the Begum man- black eyes, and he would forget to call the number of salary if I ask him' sion, Geraldine noticed Orlando weeping in one corner the floor, and the passengers would call him " measly Second Clerk—If you ask him to-day he will. Why. to-day ? of the parlor. She went up to his side and said softly: chump," " idiot," etc., etc. • -- " Cheer up, sonny." Then she began to pick lint One day a lady entered the elevator, which was He just got a divorce from his wife. off the youth's collar, which is said to be the first symp- empty, with the exception of Orlando. His blood toms that the young man is in peril. surged to his face in an instant, as he was enfolded in DID SHE TAKE HIM FOR A DUDE? Orlando raised his great blue eyes, with the tears still the arms of Geraldine Bacon, trembling from their long, brown lashes. When he " You bad young man, how I have been hunting for Lady (to " cullud " gemman, digging post holes)— saw who she was he gave a little yelp of surprise, as you everywhere! I went to the morgue and to all the Do you ever perspire, Sam ? well as of pleasure, for he had been fascinated by the police courts in the hope of finding you. I even wrote Sam—No, mum; I jess sweats. beautiful face of the young lady, and his eyes bespoke to the Reformatory at Elmira," and then she took him the admiration he felt. Alas! that a tender attach- in her arms and did not release him until he had prom- " Who invented the straw-cutter ?" asked a rural ment is so often followed by a train of disaster. But I ised, with his sweet face hid in her bosom, to be her schoolmaster. " Well, I had a hand in it," said a boy, anticipate. love, her darling tootsy wootsy duckum husband. as he looked at a stump of a finger, ruefully. There was a heavy step, and Beverly Begum has- A month later there was a quiet wedding, tily entered. He smiled sweetly at Geraldine, but to which Beverly Begum, the brutal dude, T there was thunder on his brow and a dangerous light in was not invited. his eyes when he said: * -x- * * * -x- * " Orlando Snooks, shine my boots and see that the Beverly Begum drifted into politics and stoop is swept properly." is now rusticating in Sing Sing, while Or- lando Snooks prods his epiglotis with pie three times a day.

ECHOES OF THE CIVIL WAR.

While the ex-Confederate soldier in New York is ready to cheer the old flag," swing his hat for the " U-n-i-o-n!" etc., when he can't very well avoid it, yet his old preju- dices remain and are hard to eradicate, which isn't so very strange, after all. What he won't do, if he be a genuine " rebel," is to admit that the South was in the wrong. nt,(06,,ii,,, AN) " We were whipped," he declares, moodily, A es 0 0 i ? Fri L. LI r e Er F ' Y " and that is all there is about it. Let's 8Urco / lAt....., r1t"s‘ c tv , sips 1. Yovi? R om * sink old differences, and take a drink with OWN k re , s e 1S - upetz ------..F,„ ...... L.) 0 me." ^iAk F, plisst-5 WE, s, Two ex-Confederates were seated at a Gt., A R AryreE AL F07.2,t4 '4 ", Eft. HER table in the Hoffman House art tap-room T I rt_c3/L PA ? s • the other day. They had taken several Irv3 I drinks together, and seemed to think for the time that they were down in Georgia again. " 'Pears to me there's a good many Yan- The Brutal Dude Kicks Orlando. kees 'round heah, Colonel." " Right smart lot, I should say. Won- Orlando scooted out of the room like a beautiful A BAD VENTURE. simmer dream. He felt sure that his proud cousin der what they're doing down heah, Major ?" had overheard all, and would never forgive him for " Do' know. They carried off about all WIGGINs—I heard that you recently invested in some speaking to that peerless beauty, Geraldine Bacon. they could when they came down with Sher- lots in that Western town that was just laid out. When the shades of night began to fall Orlando was man." PARROTT—Yes. called into the presence of his cousin. The brutal dude " Kind of a cleaning up expedition, eh, Well, how did you prosper seized the fragile youth by the back of the neck and Major ?" I was laid out, too. TEXAS SIFTINGS. 9

said a gentleman, the ROBBING THE REGULAR POLICEMAN OF HIS IN- other day, speaking of COME. a friend who had de- parted this life quite First New York Policeman—Did ye read in the recently. Wurruld, Denny, about thim bogus detectives that "Yes," said another wint around among the Aist Side saloons and made the gentleman,` but he was proprietors put up hush money for kapin' the side-dure always sure to beat open a-Sunday ? you if you called him." Second Policeman—Faith, I did, Pat, an' I wish I had the handlin' of the scoundrils, interfarin' wid our DRAWBACKS OF JOURNAL- regular business. ISM. The law ought to sind the blaggards till the pina- Doctor -- You must tinshary, whin they are caught. It is hard enough take a teaspoonful of work for a dacent polacemon to make a livin' off his this medicine three bate,widout these bogus detictives interferin' and chatin' times a .day regularly, us out ov our honest incomes. It's takin' the bread— taking a dose before and the beer, too—right out of our mouths. each meal, until )ou Right you are, Pat, and whin we git our eye on feel better. wan o' thim robbers (shaking his club significantly) Journalist—But, my let him luck out for himself, that's all. dear doctor, I can't pos- sibly follow your direc- TOO FAR TO GO FOR A LIGHT. tions. Why not ? Tough (to respectable citizen in Mulberry street, Because I don't get smoking a cigar)—I say, Poppy, gimme a light, won't but one meal every ye, for my cigarette ? two clays. (Respectable citizen walks on without noticing him.) SILENCING CRITICISM. Tough—See here, Poppy, you're on Mulberry street, not on Wall. Better not put on quite so many lugs. First Actor — The Gimme a light ? Daily Bazoo gi.ve you Citizen (disgustedly)—Oh, go to a fearful racket yester- Tough—I won't do it, Poppy. Too far to go for a day. light. Second Actor—Yes, • - the reporter was a little THE NAME APPALLED HIM. severe, but it will not happen again. I'm go- New York Merchant (to a young man who has ap- ing to shut his mouth plied for a situation)—Your appearance is in your favor, QUEER EFFECT OF SOAP. for good. I must admit, and you seem to be a young man of re- Great Heavens, do quirements. What is your name ? WIGGINS—You look out of sorts, Brother Parrott. not do anything rash! Young Man—My name is Hilton. PARROTT—Why, yes; my wife's doing her spring cleaning, and the house is so Don't let us have any Merchant (nearly falling off his chair)—Great heav- dirty I can't set foot in it. shooting. ens! young man, do you think any New York merchant That's not the way would engage you under that name ? Appeal to the SHORT SIFTINGS. I'm going to stop his mouth. I'm merely going to Legislature to have it changed at once, or abandon all invite him to dinner. That will answer just as well as hope of getting a foothold in a mercantile house where BY ALEX. E. SWEET. shooting. there is anything to get away with. A FINE HEAD FOR BUSINESS. SCOTCH RELIGION WANTED. MR. GOSCHEN, Chancellor of the Exchequer, in his In Scotland the violin is regarded by many people After examining a large number of music boxes at yearly financial report, discloses the fact that England as the devil's instrument. No religious family will Jacot's establishment on Broadway, a lady, evidently has a surplus of $17,000,000. Land o' Goschen ! what have a violin in the house. The great need of this from the country, asked : will they do with it? country at the present time, it seems to us, is a little "Can't you knock off five dollars on the price of this of the kind of religion they have in Scotland. box?" THE outcome of an attempt to get into New York's AN OPTICAL DELUSION. "We cannot possibly do it. This style of box plays upper ten depends chiefly upon one's income. six tunes." A gentleman, who imagined that he recognized a "I'll tell you what I'll do. As I can lady friend, advanced cordially and addressed her: shut it off I'll only let it play three tunes, " I beg pardon," he said, " but isn't this Miss Green- and you knock off five dollars on the price. leaf ?" How does that strike you as a business "No, sir," replied the lady, "my name is Redpath." proposition ? "Ah, excuse me, I must he color blind." THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE. MAYBE HE WAS DISSATISFIED. A.—Were you at the theatre last night ? "Did the murderer make any confession ?" asked the city editor of the execution reporter. B.—I was. How did you like the play ? "Not a word." Oh, the play on the stage was all right, "Was he resigned to his fate ?" but there was a little after-piece in which I "He appeared to be at first, but toward the last he did considerable kicking." v,as mixed that I didn't like at all. What was that ? GONE TO PHILADELPHIA, PROBABLY. In coming out of the theatre the crowd "Have you waited on a great many sick people ?" was very thick, so I thought I'd squeeze asked a gentlemen of a professional nurse. "Oh, yes." my pretty niece's hand, but I made a mis- take and squeezed her aunt's hand, and "Will you give me the addresses of some of them for references?" there was an awful row about it. It was something that was not down on the pro- "I can't do it. They are all dead. I don't know where they live now." gramme. BUT THEY WERE HIS OWN. SMOKING IS UNHEALTHY. "What is the matter, old fellow; you look worried ?" Ex-Custom House Official--Say, Tom. "Well, I am—I'm being dunned up hill and down haven't you got a real Havana cigar about dale by my infernal creditors." you ? "Oh, you owe a large sum of money ?" Custom House Official—No, I have not "No, but a great many small sums, and debts are got anything of the sort about me. like children—the smaller they are the more bother That's funny. When I was in the Cus- they are." tom House I always had my pockets full HE TOOK NO RISKS. of cigars for my friends. Levi—Did you read dot article dot Sunday's Herald I've no doubt of it. Perhaps that's the in apout dose bombardments of New York ? reason you ain't in the Custom House now. Moses—I have read all apout dose bombardments. For my part I don't propose to take any It vas choost dreadful how much broperty might be foolish risks. These Custom House cigars destroyed by dose hostile shells. are not healthy. SHE WASN'T MUSICAL. Levi—Dat's so. I dinks I goes right avay and buts my broperties in my vife's name. I don't want to A Chicago Socialist insists that it is MRS. SNOWFLAKE—Cain't stay long, Mrs. Kink; 1 jess dake any risks. the duty of a State to feed its people. cum in tu see of yo' would join de Mission Band. HE HAD A STRAIGHT FLUSH. He seems to favor a provisional govern- MRS. KINK--F0' de law', honey ! doan' cum tu me. I "He was always ready with an outstretched hand,' ment. cain't eben play on a mouf organ. 10 TEXAS SIF"rI1WS.

AFRICANUS AND THE ATHLETE. hurry up to the ring with a clash of cymbals—that was "We was sent for to give a show in the palace the lion coming at the hunter. courtyard. The women were all behind the window N OLD circus "The man would make for the centre pole as if it lattices, in course, but we had a crowd of black men, man in the was a palm tree in the oasis of the desei t, and spy the yellow men, white and red—enough to massacre us and Kean's Head pretended brute. You couldn't count the dodges. just then devour the hosses. We did immense business in listened to me as as graceful as a snake's when the little itchnewman is the three days before we was to appear. There was a I read from the a-puzzling him to a fever. All of a sudden, out would whisper that the Eyetalian Hercules had insulted the paper the para- spring the Numidian, there would be one skelp with lion of the Father of the Faithful, and that thickened graph about the the murderous club that would make the tan fly, and the pack. There wasn't no cloud on his brow, though, workman w h o that lion would be ruled out.' The applause was the to talk like them Orientals. leaped into the cue for some one to rush out with a big lion skin, flop "The Sultan and his court was well pleased with hear pit in the it out to the full extent and halloa in their 'lingo': 'This our troupe. In some things we sailed lengths ahead of Paris Zoological is the hide of the gigantic king of animals, which our any of the Arab beggars that he was like to see. We Garden and model athlete slew in the desert.' That was good for was pretty nigh the finish when the Big Bashaw waved saved a fallen his recall, you bet ! his hand. Two of his slaves uncovered a stone pit at infant. "It was a first-class act. one side, and let into it a very fine African lion. I "Yes, it is "There was another of the troupe that liked it full as could see it had not been fed for a couple of days. It pluck, that is," well as me. She joined it at Messina. A little ugly looked up at the crowd like a cat at a mouse that is in he said; "but so toad, that you would have scorned to waste a clod at a trap, when you taunt her with it. The wall was much depends on a country road, but of all the divils when she got on deeply scored with his claws; he knew of old that it, on the make of horseback! Well, no one under our flag ever see the was next to no use trying to climb out. But wouldn't a man ! Now, mate—not even Mr. Cox, and he knew hoss better than he have liked a pair of wings for about two minutes, I've seen a man, bread or salt. Not that she did so much fancy or that's all. finely built, but not half so big as we made it out on right .out and out riding! Oh,.no! but she would git "The Hercules was about to begin his first act. He the bills, tackle a raging lion." more hearty applause for dodging a ribbon jump, or had stepped forward to salute the Sultan in the Arab "I should like to hear that," I said, giving the waiter clinging to the mane when the bareback hoss left the Style, touching his heart, mouth and forehead with his the signal he expected, to supply the veteran " Out- hurdle, than another that next to broke her neck. It hand. The lion roared hungrily. man " with refreshments for an hour. was the style, the fascinating dare-devil, style that "La Signora's little dog gave a squeak of fear. "It's a long stretch back," he began, "for I reckoned knocked them. "Some one—it never was me!—Carline I believed— my life by days then. I was 'tached to the troupe of " 'Well, some parties have a tremenjous cheek,' had accidentally trundled the snappish brute over the Kichenoff & Lecoq — Samson Lee Cox he was, that said my mate—half an Englishman, who chummed plain edge of the pit. We rushed to it. organized the lion and clog fights in the old days that with me. 'Yes, that little sallow, dwarfed, slim-shanked "Of course the lion would gulp him down like a somebody else got the glory for, I'll be bound! I was divil is making eyes at the Hercules.' fly. Well, he would, but he hadn't catched him, and sweeper, rope splicer, tent peg sharpener, meat scales "I whistled. I'd seen the same incredible thing. that made the difference. The dog alighted on his for 'the animals, all that sort of 'prenticeship. I was "Then Carline told the rest of our discovery. And feet, and cut away to the furthest corner. He shiv- dre'fful fond of the show myself, and many's the cut we all • looked, and what was wus, we all laughed. ered as if he had come out of the water, but faced with the rope end and saddle strap I received for being She knew—just as good as a clairvoyante—what we Africanus with a wary eye. The big scare had made on the stare when hurdles ought to be held up or bal- laughed at. Her little beady eyes flashed like a lime a hero of him. Twice he dodged the lion's bounds, and loons fetched out. light. Arter the look she gave me, I never sot a cup the Sultan frowned the blackest at hearing the women "Thar was one of our heroes, one of our stars, that down half empty anywhere whar she might come. laugh in the gallery. stuck to the family straight on all through South (That's got me into the habit, to this day, of tossing "Signora Blondina had recognized her ugly pet. Europe, mocking at the fevers and the quarreltznes, off clean.) Her very dog—a little japping poodle that Instead of lamenting it, for she never hoped to see it which they was wus than choleray with the sulphew- stole the animals' meat and got us feeders blamed—he again, she poured out the hottest shower of abuse! cations—ugh ! shared in her hate. I was bit for nothing, and Carline All the vile wretches she could think of she called me "We called him the Model Athlete, the Gypsum was gnawed when he was drunk on the ship taking us —innocent me! and be hanged to her—if she would (Egyptian) Antinose (Antinour) and all that rot. He to Constantinople. All that little beast could do to in- not have liked to hurl me into the pit to bring back her was handsome. Our Samson caved in at Messina, jure he did. cur! But Arion finished his bow to the Sultan, reached and so we sot him up. He was more supple than "Curious thing . Anion was the last to notice Sig- the spot in four stride, said sharper than I ever heard strong, but he could lift pretty tidy. Still we had to nora Blondina's regard. But when he did, alligators him speak to her : Peace, child !' and looping a silken plug the weights with lighter stuff. It took the and hyena chops, he took to her! He did! awning rope that was handy, to a ring in the wall, women folks, though, because he was so perfect in "She was a little spite when she found that lovely, lowered himself by the hands alone, cool as ever a shape. No whipping around that ! He could have handsome fellow warmed to her! He'd peep out to man descended from the aerial bar—just under the minted a pile by just sleeping on them steps in Rome look at her, he'd slip on a coat and walk round behind lion's nose. whar the painter men picks up their patterns. You the ringmaster and afore the clown when she was at " I never knew where I got the 'lectric shock from— see, being so smoothly made, and with a smiling face, her turn. And I saw her make believe slip many's the but I saw and seized the club he had been performing no one thought so much of him as of a strong man who time, all for the pleasure to see him turn pale, open his with, and slid it over to him as neatly. as Carline had scowls under shaggy brows, or balances a big head on arms and step one foot out ready to fling the hoss tossed the dog. He caught it, seeing its shadow on a bull neck, or has very long arms, or some striking smack into the audience afore it should catch her on the stones, before he heard my Guarda a vous,' with peculiarity. Bless you, if I could on'y pitch on a dog the 'come round' and spile her beautiful face! the left hand. The lion, startled as any sensible beast with an eagle nose, or an oysterich with two inches of "Our fust show at Constantinople was on a flat- would be by the sudden arrival, drew back just to see neck, I would begin show life agen, a,pd land here in boat right among the furrin' craft. We kept the ani- if there was any more coming down. The little dog, three years outside with a fortune! mals out of the bill, except the utility hoss, as safe as a no 1-Alger desperate, grovelled along between the man's "So he had to add to his rzApertory. He put in a billiard table on anything as broad as he could stride. feet. He stooped, and as a juggler flings a ball, new scene of pantomime every place we showed in. The Hercules was a great go. The men of the Italian catched the stupid dog by the scruff and landed him in Roman statoos, higherglown'ffles, 1*29leon on the barque, Il Re Celeste, chucked up their red caps and La Signora's lap. Alpine peaks, and a very good -cl,3t 7.17- -oh he looked wanted to illuminate in his honor. The captain feasted "The lion saw the prey escape him. He made a after Canova—that's a figger ,..-,ercf once celebrated, him aboard, which he wouldn't go until the proprietors spring at the silk cord. Lor' ! if he'd have caught it I daresay you know, and the Indian warrior in five at- and a couple of our ladies was included. You he sure Whew! titudes. that Signora Blondina counted one. " 'Pull it up,' said Anion, without a tremble in his "There was one star tableau of his that we liked "That show lifted us up. It got us the leave to put voice, always sweeter than you'd think belonged to his best. A precident of the Della Crusea 'Cadamy put up tents on the edge of the furrin' quarter. It soon bulk. him up to it, from some old pocket retrievers. It was got wind what a splendid man Hercules was, and the "One of the black men did pull it up beyond the called ''The Numidian Gladiator Combats the African veiled eyes clustered at peepholes when he strolled lion's reach. The Sultan quivered with some new Lion in the Arena, and overcomes him with the thought through the dogs at the gates. The Sultan heard of kind of feeling. I fancy he felt the animal clawing at of his wife and little ones in the desert home!' Pooty him. his top knot ! lines, ain't them 'ere, for a bill ? But we did more by " 'He is a dog!" said he, when his women mur- "A silence fell like in church. sound of trumpet and a short coat on that tower than mured a wish to see our moral and intellectual exhi- `Our man leaned on his club, waiting for the lion by programmes. Only the priest, and maybe the bition. 'The Christian mountebank is a dog, and so to recover from his fall. Africanus shot fire out of Mayor's scribe and the schoolmaster, in most of them was his grandfather before him, and the two would his eves—the mouse had gone, but a fine fat rat re- towns could read. not dare to face a Turkish cat, let alone the lion Afri- mained in its stead. That was his idea of the thing. "Signor Arion looked the part, I can. tell you. canus in my menagerie.' But he wasn't quite satisfied. He circled half round, First place, the costume was 'correct to a spangle. A " 'Big Blusterer!' said little Blondina, when this. trying to avoid his eyes. Numidian shape, (if black velvet, spangled with silver was reported to her. ' You tell the Grand Seignior "Too hungry and vexed to stay long at this game, and trimmed with leopard skin ; salmon tights, short that his lion is a mere crawler to our giant giaour, the brute marched before him once more, but sidewise curly hair, as black as the velvet, and sandals. In his 4Escolino della Maggiovanza,' by which she meant this trip. 11 was a challenge. hand he carried a club, which he swung like a feather. the tip top of Herculeses; 'Tell him so, though he calls " 'It's but a big cat!' said the Signora, frothing at "It was a rare entertaining bit to fetch all the it high treason. I would beard him for one.' the mouth, and before we knew it she had seized the stablemen out wish the entree to see it, even after a "She glanced over at the Signor. We were all at cord and swung herself into the pit ! fifty of times. The music would begin growling, and the table, brother to brother, as the furriners say. He "At that moment the big cat took the spring. bit his lip. We murmured. It was a shame for that "With a 'My God !' Arion drew the little sarpint Horsford's Acid Phosphate little minx to goad on that beautiful man to throw away his head. Boker's Bitters since 1828 acknowledged to be by Makes Delicious Lemonade. "The Sultan was told of the sally. We guessed as A teaspoonful added to a glass of hot or cold water, and sweetened FAR the BEST and FINEST Stomach Bitters made, whether to the taste, will be found refreshing and invigorating. much afterwards, as you will see. taken PURE or with wines or liquors. TEXAS SIFTINGS. 11 back with him, as the lion rushed blindly forward, and dashed against the wall a great deal harder than would naturally have happened to him. But before our man could draw a long breath, the ani- mal had turned and made for him. "The blood-matted mane and hair made a horrible sight, and the moans of pain and anger combined did not reas- sure us. But our athlete stood his I. I. COCK ground, for, besides himself, had he not POROUS PLASTERS. A SAUSAGE skin is a ground hog case.— a dearer one to protect ? West Shore. " Blows from the club did not seem to GENERALLY speaking—Women.—Har- A COMMON-SENSE REMEDY. weaken Africanus, but the end was at yard Lampoon. hand. Close to the wall stood the Sig- In the matter of curatives what you want is something that will do its work BOSTON people will look at Peter Jack- nora, not fearfully crouching, as most son through colored spectacles.—Grip. while you continue to do yours—a remedy that will give you no inconvenience nor women folks would do, but with a dag- interfere with your business. Such a remedy is Au.cocx's POROUS PLASTERS. THE pictures in a rogues'gallery are ger, taken from her, hair, in one hand, not all steal engravings.—Washington These plasters are not an experiment; they have been in use for over thirty years, she waited till the time came when she Star. and their value has been attested by the highest medical authorties, as well as by could stab the brute. As the combat- A MAN should look up to his business. voluntary testimonials from those who have used them. ants came nearer and nearer, she reached The astronomers always do.—Yonkers ALLcocies POROUS PLASTERS are purely vegetable and absolutely harmless. forward, and, with a strength which her Statesman. They require no change of diet, and are not affected by wet or cold. Their action slight frame did not seem capable of, she BEAUTY is skin deep, and that's why it does not interfere with labor or business; you can toil and yet be cured while hard plunged the dagger into the lion's side. doesn't show much on the rhinoceros.— Washington Star. at work. They are so pure that the youngest, the oldest, the most delicate persoin " The wounded animal, with a shriek of either sex can use them with great benefit. that made -our blood run. cold, staggered WHEN an author wants to write " spir- and finally fell, dragging Arion with him. ited " conversations, he gets drunk.— Beware of imitations, and do not be . deceived by misrepresentation. Ask Dansville Breeze. But the latter was quickly on his feet, for ALLCOCK'S, and let no solicitation or explanation induce you to accept and rolled the wounded animal over on POLITICAL economy—" Never buy any more votes than you absolutely need."— a substitute. his back, and held him there with his Washington Post. foot on his breast-bone, the four paws WHEN a man goes home loaded there He Quit. The Dominant Instinct. quivering like a horse's that's fallen short is likely to be an explosion in the house. in a steeplechase at a water jump, and, —Buffalo Courier. A talkative old man attracted the at- From the crowd—" Horrors ! Look there ! A runaway !" says he in the 'lingo' that they all tumble POLICEMAN—" How does my new club tention of every one in the car. He was to there: strike you ?" Vagrant—" It's stunning." very tall and very large, and his thick Crash—bang ! (Horse thrown and car- " Lord of the Sun and Stars, a thou- —Washington Post. head of hair would have excited the envy riage overturned.) sand ducats and I'll let your Africanus EVERY man has a fool streak; it is only of the Chicago Board of Trade. Terrified voice from I he wreck—" Helb! live.' a matter of giving him a chance to show " Where do you live ?" some one asked. My Gott, quick ! Dot horz will smash m y " The Sultan nodded. An interpreter it.—Atchison Globe. " Live in Wilson, Missoury—run a prains out mit his hoof. Hold his feet cried: KLEPTOMANIA is rated to be, by all newspaper there. Pretty close picking, somebody." (Crowd rushes forward.) " Yes !' and ouf.hero and heroine were odds, the most lucrative form of insanity. but between old rails and new wool I " Lay still !" —Harvard Lampoon. hauled up, manage to make a living." " Climb over the back !" " The lion got well. The dog died of " 0 LORD, how you made me jump!" How far are you going ?" " Don't move !" ie as the grasshopper remarked when he 14 " Crawl out, for Heaven's sake !" the fright, and the Hercules married was first created.—Jury. Thought I'd go down to the Hot Blondina. I suppose the ducats set them Springs." " Get under the seat !" " I THINK you have a very striking " Wriggle around on top !" at ease, for they gave up the ring. I was face," as the nail head said to the ham- " Rheumatism ?" never invited to their house to see their mer.—Dansville Breeze. " Oh, no. Just thought I'd go down " Wrap the cushion around your head, there and boil some of the licker out of so you won't get hurt !" brood of the handsomest children ever WOOMANS vas weighed in der balance seen out of a picter, but Carline was and and vas found wanting—wanting a new me. I quit drinking for awhile, but went (A brawny drayman thrusts his arm he told me all about it. He said Blon- bonnet.—National Weekly. to a sort of a banquet one night and got through the buggy top and drags the started again." man from his perilous position.) dina was as sweet tempered as a mother THERE was never a crank born that a a could be, only she would like to tear the shrewd worker didn't turn " it " to his " How old are you ?" The Rescued (casually)—" Many tanks: man to pieces that shoved her dog to the own uses.—Ashland Press. " Eighty-two." (Turning to the crowd.) Which shows, lion. Carline must have said it was me." " PANTS for one dollar."—Friendship " Pretty old man to get on a spree." gentlemen, the necessity for eccident in- —Henry Llewellyn Williams, in N. Y. Register. Many of us do, or even a " Well, but I wasn't so old when I got suranz. I reprezend the Hustlers, of quarter.—Dansville Breeze. Clipper. on it." ' Hartford, Conn. Capital, two millions, LAWYERS are men who work with a How long ago was it ?" and assets six. We would be pleased to How to Keep Your Friends. will. Doctors often put them in the way 11, write you up for any amount you choose, of it.—Florida Times-Union. Forty odd years." A girl I know said: ." I'm a great one " What, and you haven't gotten over it on the mostereasonable terms. First- " PUT not your trust in riches," but class indemnity for the smallest money. for making friends." It sounded as if there's no objection to your putting your yet ?" she ought to be very happy, but when I riches in trusts.—Yonkers Statesman. " No, for I just kept on drinking. I'm Do I hear any one speak ?" (No one speaks. The horse faints from had a minute to think I wondered if she " STRANGE," mused Billy Blood, Jr., pretty bad when I get started." were good at keeping them. Making " but the more I contract debts the more " You don't mean to say that you have astonishment.)--Morrill Hazard, in The friends is easy to the girl who is bright I increase them."—Harvard Lampoon. been drunk for forty years ?" Jury. and happy, whose society gives pleasure ELISHA GOUP, whose head is as bald as " Yes, I do. Went to that old Whig The Clangor of an Alarm Bell 4an apple, says he can't see anything banquet forty-three years ago this com- and who is genial. But the keeping of dreti3•.1;the stillness of the night, could scarcely shocking about a ballet except bad danc- ing June and have been whooping it up startle the-,oreinary individual more than do trifling them demands more than this. ing.—Puck. noises the nervous invalid. But once the nerves If you want to keep a friend don't get ever since till the other day, and then in are braced and the system invigorated with Hos- A PAINTING " valued at $50,000 " was a thoughtful moment I said to myself tetter's Stomach Bitters, this abnormal sensitive- too intimate with her. burned in London a few days ago. The ness is succeeded by a tranquillity not to be dis- that it was time to quit, and I did. My turbed by trivial causes. Impaired digestion is a Have your own thoughts, and permit loss is estimated at $2,000.—Norristown fertile cause of nerve weakness and unnatural men- her to have hers. Herald. wife had something to do with it, too. tal gloom, and a vigorous renewal of the action of Look here, Godfrey,' said she, 'if you the stomach is one of the surest means of invig- Do not demand too much of her in the A MAN can make himself decidedly un- orating and quieting the nerves. Insomnia, or ever expect to make anything of yourself sleeplessness, a form of nervous disease, is unques- way of confidence. pleasant by insisting on reminding us of tionably benefited by sedatives, when it is pro- And do not be too aggressive, wanting what we thought last year.—Milwaukee you'll haVe to stop drinking. It is about longed, or of frequent occurrence, but its perma- 1: Journal. time you was making a success of your nent removal is more effectually achieved with t e 'P. •, to know why she hasn't done this, and Bitters. This medicine is also signally efficacious why she doesn't think as you do. THERE is another mean thing about the paper, and I would advise you to qUit.' for malaria, rheumatism, constipation, liver com- 1 A plaint, and torpidity.of the kidneys and bladder. If you think your friend's style of dress Chin ese. Every one of them is a tail- " Well," the old man continued, " I bearer. See the queue ? — Fairhaven ' -'41111111P is not beautiful, don't tell her; you only (Wash.) Herald. took the matter under advisement and Well Educated. quit; so now the reaction causes the offend her, because deep in her heart she Angel Child—" Mamma, do the little THE new two-cent postage stamp must necessity of a few baths. I tell you that is convinced that she knows a great deal be made of better material than the old prayers in after a man has been on a spree awhile it children in France say their more about it than you do. one. Though it is smaller it will go just • as far.—Dansville Breeze. is a pretty hard matter to break right off. French ?" Do not find fault with .your friend's Mamma—" Yes, darling, always." I don't intend to drink another drop. A friend, and do not expect to be the only THE twelve apostles would have a hard Angel Child—"And do the children in .1 one given a corner in her heart. time getting into a Fifth avenue church man cannot afford to throw away his unless they could make some arrange- life. There is too much work to be Germany say their prayers in German ?" Be as considerate of her feelings as if ments with a tailor.—Puck. done."—Arkansaw Traveler. Mamma—" Certainly." she were a stranger, and remember that AFTER the Arizonians got through with Angel Child (after reflection)—My ! politeness is an every-day garment, and him the coroner cut him down and sat Brown's Bronchial Troches God is pretty well educated, ain't he ?"— 1 j not one intended only for high-days and on him. The verdict was, from the ap- Contain ingredients which act specially on the or- America. holidays. To sum it up in one sentence, pearance of the rope, " knot dead."— gans of the voice. They have an extraordinary ef- ficacy in all affections of the Throat, caused by cold If there ever was a specific for any one complaint, •preserve the courtesy of the beginning if Ligh t. then Carter's Little Liver Pills are a specific for or over-exertion of the voice. They are recom- Sick Headache, and every woman should know this. you wish to keep your friendship to the " WHAT is society ?" It is a place mended to Singers and Public Speakers, and all They are not only a positive cure, but a sure pre- end.—Exchange. where people who were poor twenty-five who, at any time, have a cough or trouble with the ventive if taken when the approach is felt. Carter's years ago tell of the plebeian origin of Little Liver Pills act directly on the liver and bile, throat or lungs. " I recommend their use to public and in this way remove the cause of disease with- After a sleepless night, use Angostura Bitters to their neighbors and conceal their own speakers."—Rev. E. H. Chnpin. " Pre-eminently out first making you sick by a weakening purge. If tone up your system. All Druggists. humble beginnings.—Boston Gazette. the best."—Rev, Henry Ward Beecher. you try them you will not be disappointed.

12 TEXAS SIFTINGS

SIFTINGS' PORTRAIT GALLERY. Discipline. The Emperor of Germany, sitting in his BgAirg room one day, heard sounds of a violent Skirl &Scalp tumult in the nursery, and speedily made 1:: ESTOREL3 his way to the scene. When he entered by tivz the room, the Crown Prince and 'Prince Eitel drew themselves up, and saluted CUTictnv‘ their father in the military fashion, as was their wont. OTHING IS KNOWN TO SCIENCE AT ALL COM- " What is all this noise about ?" the parable to the CUTICURA REMEDIES in their mar- Nvellous properties of cleansing, purifying and beau- Emperor asked. tifying the skin, and in curing torturing, disfiguring, itching, scaling and pimply diseases of the skin, "A little dispute, sire," replied the scalp and blood, with loss of hair. Cuncune, the great Skin Cure, and CUTICURA SOAP, • elder son, " and I thought I would let my an exquisite Skin Beautifier, prepared from it, ex- •••Ar • ternally, and CUTICURA RESOLVENT, the new Blood •• •/.-• brother know who is Crown Prince here." Purifier, internally, cure every form of skin and ...... blood disease, from pimples to scroi ula. " Because I wanted to use the Latin Sold everywhere. Price, CUTICURA, 50c.; REsor.,- VENT $1; SOAP, 25c. Prepared by the POTTER DRUG Lexicon first, sire," said the younger, "he ANDCHEMICAL oston, Mass. slapped me." Send for " HowCo.,io Care Skin Diseases." " I did, sire," said the elder lad, " for IP— Pimples, blackheads, chapped and oily .&J skin prevented by CUTICURA SOAP. -4111 Eitel would not else believe that my Dull Aches, Pains, and Weaknesses instantly rights are first in this house." relieved by the CUTICIJRA ANTJ-PAIN PLASTER, " Good !" said his majesty. " I see itthe only pain killing plaster. 25c what you mean, and I think it will be as well in the same way to let you know what rights the Emperor, your father, has Dr. Jogogor's Sanitary Woolen System Company, in this house." • The Emperor proceeded accordingly in 827 and 829 Broadway, New York,

a manner to impress itself on the mind HRSNAzor SCHAEFFER, LasisT Bitsora, and also on the body of the young Crown President; Vice-President. Prince.—Youth's Companion.

No Notice Taken of It. NONE First Tramp—" I don't see why our GENUINE names don't get inter the papers, Bill." Second Tramp —"Why should they ?" WITHOUT First Tramp—"Well, I read to-day that a dinner was given to some big gun in New York a day or two ago. We get ALEXANDER E. SWEET, dinners given to us every day and noth- Note our Trade Mark Closely I (EDITOR OF TEXAS SIFTINGS.) ing is ever said about it. Folks is preju- BEWARE ,F IMITATIONS! Alexander E. Sweet was born in St. Johns, New Brunswick, Canada, March diced, Bill."—Munsey's Weekly. 28, 1841. Besides editing TEXAS SIFTINGS, founded by Sweet & Knox in 1881, Mr. 110111. We ask attention to our Complete Assortment cif That tired, languid feeling and dull Sweet contributes to New York Sunday Herald, Kellogg Newspaper Co., of Chicago, headache is very disagreeable. Take two of Car- ter's Little Liver Pills before retiring, and you will SUMMER Washington National Democrat, Louisville Courier-Journal, Lippincott's Magazine, find relief. They never fail to do good. and other publications. Mr. Sweet is also the author of the Bill Snort Letters, and of several books, which have had a large sale. Preaching and Practice. UNDERWEAR, Mr. Wealthy—"I presume, sir, you will And Especially to our exquisite Russian Affairs. ride alone and unattended by soldiers join our new forestry association." All-Wool GAUZE from St. Petersburg to. Moscow, and his Mr. Richman—"Most gladly, sir. The Underwear for the hot, sammer season. To-day the Czar of Russia is in hourly journey would be an ovation from one way our virgin forests are being destroyed fear of a violentl death at the hands of end of his route to the other. He would is a shame—an outrage. John ! Put a Send for explanatory, descriptive and illustrated Catalogue his subjects. He dare not show himself be met everywhere with smiles and tears few more logs on the grate." — The and price-list, free by mail. in public unless surrounded by guards so of welcome; little children would strew Jury. Garments made to order, a Specialty. that access to him is impossible. His flowers in his path, the air would be rent Mail orders promptly attended to. days are days of terror; his nights, nights with happy shouts, " Long live the Czar!" of waking. For him, and he knows it and the very name Russia would be Dr. Jaeger's Sanitar7 Woolen System Company, too well, death lurks at every turn. He ANTI-MALARIA. dearer to every man, woman and child Why suffer from Malaria when you can protect 827 and 829 Broadway, New York. even receives his daily food from the yourself from it by wearing a Mexican Anti-Malaria BRANCH HOUSES : within its borders. Satchet ? " An ounce of prevention is better than a hands of trusted servants with fears that pound of cure." The Mexican Anti-Malaria Satchet 119 NASSAU ST., Temple Court, New York; I shall send the Czar a marked copy of is a preventive—a protection against Malaria. it may contain poison. If he desires to Send one dollar and get a Satchet, and keep away 504 FULTON ST., next to Y. M. C. A. Building The Traveler containing this article, Malaria. Address Brooklyn, N. Y. travel from one part of his kingdom to though I have little hope that he will KEITH SHELLMAN, another, the journey is made in secret 1228 Bedford Ave., Brooklyn, N. Y. MADE WITH BOILING WATER. profit by the few excellent hints here Mention this paper. and always under a strong guard, and given. However, having done my duty, usually by night. Instead of traveling I shall rest content.—Ed. R. Pritchard, RAILROADS. like a king should, to be met at every in Arkansaw Traveler. EPPS'S CLEVELAND, CINCINNATI, CHICAGO wayside station with throngs of his sub- CRATEFUL--COMFORTING jects; instead of looking into thef34 :;is of Select European Tour, conducted by a AND ST. LOUIS RAILWAY. happy husbands and wives and listening foreign lady. For circulars address Mrs. to the shouts of laughing children held Schmidt, Raleigh, N. C. BIG FOUR ROUTE aloft by smiling parents to catch a COCOA Next Summer. SHORT AND DIRECT glimpse of their loved ruler, he is ,hur- MADE WITH BOILING MILK. ried through his own magnificent do- Wife (awakening her husband)—" Oh, Through Car Line THREE DOZEN mains under a strong guard of soldiers George, there's a burglar in the house!" BETWEEN Husband (sleepily)—" Huh!" at the dead hour of night, in secret and CHICAGO, INDIANAPOLIS and CINCINNATI , GOOD STORIES " Yes, and he's at my jewelry box!" and like a criminal who has committed Private Compartment Buffet Sleeping Cars, Standard " Huh!" Wagner Palace Sleeping Cars and Elegant Re- Selected from Texas Siftings. some dastardly outrage and who has clining Chair Cars on Night Trains. sought the protection of the officers of " No; I declare, he's in the ice-chest Luxurious Parlor and Cafe Cars 8vo., 194 Pages with 100 Illustrations on Day Trains. room !" BY the law to shield him from the fury of a THOMAS WORTH AND OTHER WELL KNOWN mob. But suppose the Czar were to issue " Is that so ? Give me my revolver, THE SOUTHWESTERN LIMITED ARTISTS. an edict freeing every political prisoner quick!"—Lawrence American. This book is the sensation of the hour. The demand FROM for it has never been equaled in the history of Ameri- now rotting in the prisons of Siberia and can literature. It is a hook of 194 pages, containing The rosy freshness, and a velvety soft- more than 100 of the original sketches written by granting them a free pardon. Suppose ST. LOUIS & CINCINNATI Alex. E. Sweet and J. Armoy Knox, and which have ness of the skin is variably obtained by TO made TEXAS SIFTINGS a household word with all who he should announce his intention of giv- love fun and good humor, and is illustrated with over those who use Pozzoni's Complexion one hundred original and very unique illustrations. ing to his people a constitutional govern- Powder. NEW YORK and BOSTON Sold by all newsdealers and booksellers, or mailed Is the Finest Train in America, and provides the Best to any address, postpaid, on receipt of 25 cents by ment, and that from this on they, by andQuickest Service ever offered between the East their chosen representatives, were to Too Inexperienced. and the West, landing Passengers in the heart of J. S. OGILVIE at CO., Publishers, New York City, without Ferry Transfer. 57 Rose Street, New- Yorit have a voice in the management of na- Policeman—" Do you have to take care All Through Trains are Steam Heated, Ves- tional affairs. Suppose he should, too, tibuled and Equipped with an Elegant Dining I have a positive remedy for of the dog ?" Car Service. this di•LeAcp,by its use the worst proclaim the freedom of the press, should Nurse-Girl—"No. The missis says I'm kind sod most unyielding cases Be sure your tickets read via the BIG DYSPEPSIA • of all forms have been cured. establish free schools, and set to work I will take pleasure in send- too young and inexperienced. I only FOUR ROUTE. ing ONE PACKAGE FREE to these mighty educators of the public every sufferer who will send look after the children."—Grip. Oscar G. Murray, D. B. Martin, Copy- their name and address, with righted. 4 ats in stamps to cover postage. mind and heart, and mark the change! Traffic Manager. - Gen. Pass. Agent. DAY, 23 West 12th St., N. Y. City. The day after these decrees had been Hall's Hair Renewer enjoys a world- Cincinnati, 0. WALTER L. wide reputation for restoring the hair to fully promulgated and known to be in bald heads and changing gray hair to the full force and effect, this same Czar could original color of youth. Children Cry for Pitcher's Castoria. TEXAS SIFTINGS. 13

good work goes begging in New York. EFFECTUAL The large and beautiful auditorium of the Broadway—the safest and most comfortable theatre in the city—was nightly filled with an enthusiastic au- CHA dience. The dancing of the Pas de ert4 ,,s9 Quatre elicits rounds of applause ; and WORT Gr Miss Florence St. John as Marguerite, GBfirmotviuAsT5nDEd G L./INCA:0x Miss Addie Conyers as Faust, and that Disorders, suchILL as Wind and Pain in the Stomach. Sick Headache, Giddiness, For talented and versatile comedian, Mr. E. Fulness, and Swelling after Meals, Dizziness and Drowsiness, Cold chills, Flushings of Heat, Loss of Appetite. Shortness of Breath, Costivenes, Scurvy, Blotches on t a Skin, Disturbed Sleep. Frightful J. Lonnen, exhaust the epithets of com- Dreams, and all Nervous and Trembling Sensations, &c. THE eIRST DOSE WILL GIVE RELIEF IN mendation. TWENTY MINUTES. This is no fiction. Every sufferer is earnestly invited to try one Box of thes e Pills, and they will be acknowledged to be a Wonderful Medicine.-"Worth a guinea a box."- D'Oyley Carte only lost $5o,000 on The BEECHAM'S PILLS, taken as directed, will quickly restorefemales tocoinplete health. For a Over a Towel. Gondoliers' season which closed last WEAK STOMACH ; IMPAIRED DIGESTION DISORDERED LIVER; week. The soul and body of the dry-goods they ACT LIKE MAGIC:--a feu, doses will work wonders upon the Vital Organs; Strengthening -lost Complexion ; bringing back the keen edge of appetite, Louis Aldrich played to crowded houses the muscular System ; restoring long clerk waxeth weary when he sees three and arousing with the ROSEBUD OF HEALTH the whole physical energy of the human frame. in Philadelphia last week in his new play, women headed for his counter. says the These are "facts" admitted by thousands, in ail classes of society, and one of the best guaran. tees to the Nervous and Debilitated is that BEECHAM'S PILLS HAVE THE LARGEST SALE OF ANY The Editor. Detroit Free Press. One is bad enough; PATENT MEDICINE IN THE WORLD. Full directions with each Box. Prepared only by THOS. BEECHA M, St. Helens, Lancashire, England. George Lesoir, the dramatic criec, is two are worse, but three women in coun- Bold by Druggists generally. B. F. ALLEN & CO., 366 and 367 Canal St., New York, Sole sketching an ideal story of Old Jed sel over the merits of a bath towel are Agents for the United States, who, (if your druggist does not keep them,) Prouty, of Bucksport, Maine. enough to make a poor worn-out clerk WILL MAIL BEECHAM'S PILLS ON RECEIPT OF PRICE 25 CENTS A BOX. John I. McNally, of the Bcston Herald, wish he might depart from earth by the has written a new farce-comedy called A electricity method. and aristocratic looking lady sitting in IF the grass about a rural residence Straight Tip, which deals with sporting " It seems like quite a good one for the front of her on a railroad train. attains a great height and remains un- matters. money, don't it ?" says the intending cut it would seem tolerably safe to as- purchaser. " Very well," replied the lady, haugh- sume that the owner of the premises is Same as usual at the Bijou—crowded " Well, I don't know," says the other, tily. no mower.—Detroit Free Press. houses and delighted audiences. No holding the towel up at full :ength and " Well, then, here goes: I been settin' farce-comedy ever produced in New York eyeing it critically, " I got one quite as behind you fer three mortal hours trying has had so prosperous a run. EVERY OWNER OF HARNESS good for thirty-seven and a half cents at to figger out if your hair is all yer own A German tenor who comes under that or if part of it's a switch, an' blest if I White's." SHOULD USE broad and universal head " well known " " You did ?" kin yit. You've a sight of it if it's all yer has, through a surgical operation on his " Yes, but it was eight or nine weeks own, an' if it's a switch it's a darned good throat, became a first-class baritone. ago, and I don't s'pose they've any more match. Which air it, anyhow ?"—De- Kate Claxton, in Booties' Baby, at the like it." troit Free Press. People's Theatre this week, is doing " I may he mistaken, but I've an idea The Northern Summer Resorts splendidly. The company in the main is it would shrink," says number three, tak- of Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa and FRANK MILLER'S capable, and as a play for the production ing the towel from number two and wrap- Dakota, not forgetting the famous Ex- HARNESS DRESSING of laughter and -4._.-6-11.her's ecstacies it cer- ping a corner of it over her finger. See, celsior springs of Missouri, are more For Harness, Buggy Top, Saddle, Fly Net, tainly fills the bill. it's a little thin." attractive during the present season than Travelling Bag, and Trunk Manufacturer,. ever before. Oise.. lactotiral Dales, 'thick will not pod or amok It is not often that we see theatrical " Well, I wouldn't mind if it did shrink all mot or crock by handling; doe, not lone its lustre An illustrated Guide Book, descriptive by age; dust will Dot eta to work Sahhed with IL advertising so cleverly done as by the a little, because—oh, look at this one ! ls nor • v•arcut. Contains 00 Tarpeoti as, Botulism, of a hundred or more of the choicest Naphtha, Alcohol, .or ethos Nations &than. It Is New Park Theatre, where Daniel Sully Isn't it lovely ?" spots of creation, on the lines of the Amply it finishing drouilig7 'oft DIRECTIONS. in The Millionaire is meeting with great " Beautiful ! How much is it ?" Chicago, Milwaukee & St. Paul R'y, will L pew AM.. rfor• I 'ripely try. app 1411.1 • elloa II,• domain to dry •MI•tarloS if • hit. 81••• o rt. be sent free upon application to A. V. H. to& toy • aecool arploatwo, alto It.. dot I. 444.gen;Aly success. The advertisements from this " A dollar and a half." TI or 41Pegeng .40 en &Ina fr.yoroott, Iofrora. Carpenter, General Passenger Agent, Sop O. c.f. elm.% Uglatli :ars art in so. house always attract the attention of the " Mercy! I'd never pay that for a bath Chicago, Ill. PVT UP IN CANS, KCOS, AND DA a R6L3.

reader by their originality and point, and towel." MANUFACTURED are written by the skilful manager of "Nor I." During a Nooning. the house, Mr. William M. Dunlevy. " These colors would fade." Mrs. Race (of Chicago)—" wager Charles Frohman has established a " Of course they would." anything 'that that gentleman over there branch office of his Exchange at No. " Do you know I like good plain crash is a townsman of mine." Sold by Nearly All Saddlery as well as anything for towels." Adams street, Strand, W. C.', London, Mrs. Riverside Rives—" How do you and Harness Dealers. England, and Al. Hayman is now there " I don't know, but—see these towels know ?" completing the arrangements. The busi- for fifteen cents. I paid twenty-five Mrs. Race—" He's so refined in his ness in London will be carried on ex- cents for some last week not a bit better." eating arrangements. He put his nap- actly as it is in New York. The booking " Let's see; they am full length ? Yes. kin around his neck with a little gold time of the principal theatres of America They are cheap. I've a notion to—but I chain, pinned back his cuffs with pearl- will be kept at that office, and all neces- guess I won't. I have so many towels headed pins, and now he's blowing his sary arrangements for completing an now." soup with a cute little silver bellows."— American tour can be made there the " They're a bargain if one only really Puck. same as here. The offices here will be needed them." moved from No. 1.267 Broadway on May " How do you like towels used as to more commodious quarters. tidies ?" WOBBLES' TOUR " Horrid!" Stuart Robson has been enthusias- " I think so, too." AROUND THE WORLD tically welcomed by very large and " So do I—oh, let me tell you, I saw a ON A BICYCLE, fashionable audiences, and it is evident woman on the street one day with an From Texas Siftings. that The Henrietta has lost none of its apron made out of a red and white fringed charms since its long run at the Union WITH SHORT HUMOROUS 'CYCLING SKETCHES towel !" BY E. R. COLLINS. Square. No less hearty than Mr. Rob- " Mercy ! Looked like fury, didn't it ? In neat book of 170 pages and 80 fine Illustrations by son's was Mr. Frank Mordaunt's recep- How was it made ?" Thomas Worth. tion. He assumed Mr. Crane's old part, " Oh, one end was simply gathered to Published by J. S. OGILVIE, and the audience over and over again a hand, and—there, the towel was just NEW YORK. expressed their appreciation. Mr. Ed- like thi-, one—and she'd taken it so and 25 Cents Postpaid. ward J. Ratcliffe, as the renegade son, gathered it in so, and—really, it didn't Address the publisher, or also deserves mention, especially for his look so bad, after all." E. R. COLLINS, Westfield, N. J. work in the third act. The widow, por- " Do you suppose the colors would run A GREAT COMBINATION. trayed by Miss May Waldron, was cap- in this border ?" THE "FAT CONTRIBUTOR'S" itally done, and Miss Eugenie Lindeman, " Well, I hardly know. I had one very as Rose, was very acceptable, although much like it once, and the colors in it ran New Humorous Illustrated Lecture, at times she overacts. The balance of dreadfully the very first time I washed For terms and dates apply to the company was fairly efficient. it." (Illustrated) The Great Humorous Paper, The Witty Major J. B. POND, Wonder of the Age. Faust Up to Date, which closed its New " Then I'll not take this, for I—why, if OFFER No. 683. Everett House, New York City. York engagement at the Broadway it isn't four o'clock, and " With a mail order on this offer for 1,000 Theatre last week, is altogether the most " Who'd ever hay thought "- IF YOU WANT TO KNOW " I must go." 1.001 aolgivou you never knew or thought delightful and melodious burlesque re- of o(ly and its curious organs, " So must I." -ed, health saved, disease induced, cently put upon the boards. Nothing has •of ignorance and indiscretion, equaled the tunefulness of its music " And I—no, I'll not take the towel to- Cigars at $35 per 1,000, or any other of our Cigars -Cure to all forms of disease, -north $30 per thousand and upward, which may be Old Eyes, Rupture, Phintosis, etc., since Audran's Olivette set the town day." all of one brand or assorted to suit, we will, upon re- ppy in. Marriage and have price baMes. quest, send to your address, post-paid, the three fol Doctor's Droll Jokes, profusely illus- agog. There is not au air in the operetta lowing papers: America, Texas Siftings and the . Send ten cents for new Laugh-Cure book called Wanted to Know. Chicago Weekly Times for one year. which is not worthy of a popular im- & MEDICAL SENSE AND NONSENSE. R. %V. Tansill Co., Pub. Co., 129 E. 28th St., New York mortality, and the acting of the London 'Scuse me, ma'am, but I'd like to ask 55 STATE STREET, CHICAGO. Murray Rill Gaiety Company leaves nothing to he de- you a question," said a long, leathery, sired. Certainly it cannot be said that keen-eyed woman to an elegantly clad Children Cry for Pitchers Castoria. 14 TEXAS SIFTINGS. A F cy Paris Tradesmen Satisfied with the May be all right, but unction has carried Republic. me safely through thus far."—Detroit Free Press. Good News! k wf Itis a great mistake to imagine that No one, who is willing to adopt the right the trades-people of Paris are yearning The Old Man Was Disappointed. course, need be long afflicted with boils, ear. for a restoration of the monarchy in the Uncle Peter went to see a ball game buncles, pimples, or other cutaneous erup- expectation that it would increase their tions. These are the results of Nature's et:- Saturday, says the Charlestown Enter- forts to expel poisonous and effete matter business. For they are perfectly well prise. It was his first view of such a con- from the blood, and show plainly that the aware that luxury and even extravagance test in ten years, and he looked some- system is ridding itself through the skin of prevail to a far greater extent under a re- impurities which it was the legitimate work what disappointed as the innings rolled of the liver and kidneys to remove. To re- publican form of government than under off with machine-like promptness, but he store these organs to their proper functions, Ayer's Sarsaparilla is the medicine required. the rule of a king or emperor. Society in said nothing until he was on board a ancient Athens and Rome was noted for That no other blood-purifier can compare homeward-bound car. Then his nephew with it, thousands testify who Lave gained its devotion to the goddess of fashion, addressed him: and there are not two cities in the world " What do you think of it, uncle ?" Freedom of to-day where, in proportion to the " That was a base-ball game, was it ?" We have received from W. C. Loch- population, so much money is spent on from the tyranny of depraved blood by the " Of course it was. Why do you ask use of this medicine. erty, Eastern Passenger Agent of the dress as republican Paris and republican "For nine years that ?" I was afflicted with a skin Chicago, Burlington and Quincy Rail- New York. Some astonishing statistics disease that did not yield to any remedy road, The Theatrical Date Book for the " And they call that playing?" until a friend advised me to try Ayer's Sarsa- have recently been compiled by the " Certainly." parilla. With the use of this medicine the current year, which gives much useful complaint disappeared. It is my belief that French authorities with regard to the " Nobody punched nobody else from information concerning this great route gross revenues of the most famous " cou- no other blood medicine could have effected to the West. It gives a list of the large one end to the other ?" so rapid and complete a cure."— Andres turiers " on the banks of the Seine. It " No, indeed." D. Garcia, C. Victoria, Tamaulipas, Mexico. cities and towns on its lines, together with seems that no less than $5.000,000 is the "My face, for years, was covered with pim, the names of their chief theatres and " And the umpire wasn't kicked off the pies and humors, for which I could find no amount of the annual turnover of the remedy till I began to take flyer's Sarsapa. halls, managers or proprietors, terms, field ?" nine leading " Knights of the Thimble." " That is a rare diversion nowadays." rilla. Three bottles of this great blood medi- and names of their newspapers. There Worth's bills figure for more than a quar- cine effected a thorough cure. I confidently " And the whole eighteen men didn't recommend it to all suffering from similar are two hundred and twenty-five of these ter of this sum. Nearly a sixth is an- troubles."—M. Parker, Concord, Vt. cities and towns, many of them the best huddle together in a bunch and jaw, nually taken by a costumer who devotes every time a man was called out?" in the country for patronizing good en- himself exclusively to outdoor toilettes, tertainments. " Oh, no." Ayer's while $400,000 constitute the gross profits " And nobody didn't steal the best bats St. Nicholas for May has for a frontis- of a ladies' tailor whose specialty lies in and make off with the spare ball??" piece a scene from the opening article on the cut of his traveling, shooting and rid- " That is impossible under the present Sarsaparilla, The Passing of General Bacon, entitled ing costumes. Nor are these enormous arrangement." PREPARED BY Buzz-z-z. Bat, Ball and Diamond is an results restricted to dressmakers. Busi- " And the whole thing didn't wind up DR. J. C. AYER & CO., Lowell, Mass. interesting paper on the national game of ness of every kind has attained a greater in a free fight ?" Sold by Druggists. $1, six $5. Worth $5 a bottle- base-ball. It is the first of a series of degree of prosperity than under any " You saw that it didn't." papers by Walter Camp, and illustrated former system of government. An illus- " I know that I saw it didn't, and I by H. A. Ogden. The second paper of tration thereof is furnished by the fact JEWELRY. also know a game of real base-ball when Six Years in the Wilds of Central Africa; that the exports of 1889 show an increase I see it, and that confounded croquet Watch Clubs and Insta Ment frauds exposed chapters four, five and six of Majorie of no less than $67,000,000 over those of For discussion send for Catalogue, free. party that we paid two dollars to look at E. P. PERCIVAL, Watchmaker, 221 N. 8th and her Papa; In the Lumber Woods; a the preceding year, while the imports St., Phila., Pa. 20-year Gold filled Keystone is no more like the real games they used Watches $15. Elgin, Waltham, Rockford, continuation of Lady Jane, and Crowded SpringfieldWorks, $1 extra. Mention Siftings have augmented to the extent of $15,000,- to play than an amateur minstrel show is Out o' Crofield, and other miscellaneous 000. Under these circumstances it is not Agents' profits per month. Will prove it or like genuine fun." $625 pay forfeit. New portraitst just out. A $3.!-,0 articles of interest and amusement may surprising that both the Parisian trades- a rfwle sent free& to all. ..s be found in this number. people and the industrial classes through- AU cases of weak or lame back, back- W. Chidester Son, Bond St., N. Y. ache, rheumatism, will find relief by wearing one Theodore Child, one of the most in- out France should have become stanch of Carter's Smart Weed and Belladonna Backache NEW PUBLICATIONS. dustrious and painstaking of American adherents of the Republic.—New York Plasters. Price 25 cents. Try them. Tribune. writers in Paris, has written a series of But It's Very Unlikely. THE MAN FROM THE WEST. papers on Modern French Painters, for A NOVEL. Cure for the Deaf. " What's the difference between im- i. Harper's Magazine, the first of which ap- Peck's Patent Improved Cushioned Ear Drums probable and impossible, Jack ?" Descriptive of Adventures, pears in the May number. It is the perfectly restore the hearing, and perform the FROM THE CHAPPARAL TO WALL ST. work of the natural drum. Always in position, but " Let me illustrate. It is improbable initial article, and a copy of Aime invisibie to others, and comfortable to wear. All BY A WALL STREET MAN. Morot's Charge of Cuirassiers at Rezon- conversation, and even whispers, heard distinctly. that I shall lend you any more money till Printed from New, Large Type. Bound in Paper Cov - We refer to those using them. Send for illustrated you have paid me what you owe me, but ers, Price Fifty Cents. ville forms a spirited frontispiece. There book with testimonials free. Address F. Hiscox, it is by no means impossible."--Yankee POLLARD & MOSS, Publishers, are fourteen illustrations. Following this &53 Broadway, New York. Mention this paper. 12 Park Place and 37 Barclay Street, N. Y is a profusely illustrated paper on Old Blade. " The Verbose Tramp." New York Taverns, by John Austin FOR SIX CENTS. " I saw an article in your paper the We are pleased to announce that we have made Stevens. It is a volume in itself. Through remarkably low clubbing rates with the ST. Louis Bush and Fern, by William Sharp, is an other day," said the tramp as he reached MAGAZINGE, the recognized leading low-priced Amer- ican magazine. The magazine is beautifully printed interesting account of ranch life in the editorial floor—" an article about the and illustrated, and is a high•grade literary, historical and humorous monthly of fifty pages. Terms, only Australia. English Lyrics under the verbose tramp. I want an explanation. $1.50 a year; specimen copy six cents, sent to any one. Address St. Louis Magazine, 901 Olive St., St. Louis, First Charles is illustrated with copies How did this tramp look ?" Mo. We will send the St. Louis Magazine and TEXAS SIFTINGS one year to new subscribers for $4.50, the troin old prints. " It was some reporter who wrote the price of both being $5.50. Address TEx s SIFTINGS PUB. Co., New York. Scribner's Magazine for May contains article.' 10 a variety of interesting papers. ,':-•i\:- " Well, does verbose mcan that he was " DOWN WITH HIGH PRICES. A$65.00 Sewing Machine, with Attachments ....$18.00 frontispiece is a remarkable portrait of a hustler ?" A 500-lb Platform Scale, on wheels. 10.00 A $125.00 Top Buggy, Sarven Patent Wheels 65.00 the'artist Millet, from a crayon drawing " Hardly." A 2-Ton Wagon Scale,Brass Beam and Beam Box-40.00 4- Was he languid ?" A 5-Ton Wagon Scale and Patent Stock Rack 75.00 made for the magazine by J. Carroll A $50.00 Power Feed Mill for Farmers, only 80.00 " Not that, either." A Portable Forge and Farmers' Kit of Tools 20.00 Beckwith. The opening article, Barbi- A $40.00 Road Cart, or Swell Body Cutter 15.00 " Does verbose mean that he had lost A $15.00 Single Buggy Harness 7 50 zon and Jean-Francois Millet, is the first A 240-lb Scoop and Platform Scale . 8 00 his appetite ?" A 4-18 Family or Store Scale, with Brass Scoop 1 00 of two articles by T. H. Bartlett, who Catalogue and Price List of 1000 useful articles sent tree. has long been a resident of France and " No." Address CHICAGO SCALE CO.. Chicago, Ill has had unusual opportunities of know- " Run down in flesh ?" ing members of Millet's family, and had - No. Verbose is verbose. It's a sort access to many of the artist's unpublished of demeanor and look hard to describe." letters. The article is rich in illustra- "Am I verbose ?" " No." tions of this quaint old town Barbizon, C-PriceD)6 ? made famous by Millet's pictures. There " Is it anything against the purfeshun?" (C5O Cis) $150NPNRITE is also a practical article on Home " No." INTER PAPA' wILA, EXTERIAP- Catalogue free. Address Typewriter Depart., POPE Instantly Stop Pain MFG CO., Boston, New York, Chicago. Building for Men of Small Incomes; " Won't discourage the women from passing out cold victuals and old clothes?'' R/y AND SPEEDI LY CURE ALL _006 two short stories of striking originality by ;7,.._1A new writers; the second paper on the " Not a bit.' T/C,NEURALGIC,Stv etS, useful Rights of the Citizen series, and a " Then I'm satisfied. I didn't know '141 RIOus COMPLP"' description of Japanese Theatres, by a but it was some new thing—something to Japanese author, fully illustrated by work agin us, and I wanted to know. Japanese artists, with other essays, fic- Couldn't many of the boys be verbose if A representatton of the engraving on our they wanted to, could they ?" wrappers.—RADWAY & CO. NEW YORK. tion and poems. The June number of ,, No.), this popular periodical will contain Henry M. Stanley's first article on the Emin " Then it won't spread?" DR. RADWAY'S PILLS. Purely vegetable, mild and reliable. Regulate the Relief Expedition Across Africa. Mr. " Oh, no." Liver, and whole Digestive organs. 25 cents. Stanley will write for no other magazine. "All right—that's all. I've dodged DR. RADWAY'S SARSAPARILLIAN RE- Always avoid harsh, purgative Pills. most everything for twenty-two years SOLVENT, for the Blood. They first make you sick and then leave you con- past, and am glad I haven't got to worry stipated. Carter's Little Liver Pills regulate the bowels and make you well. Dose, one pill. over this. No verbosity here, thank you. Children Cry for Pitcher's 0-Astoria) TEXAS SIFTINGS. 15

VERSES NEWAND OLD, Makes His Living by Waking Police " Why, you must take me for an Ameri- Up. can ?" CARTERS PLANTATION PROVERBS. " There's a man who has got a job " Of course I do." which will keep him comfortable during " How came you to guess my nation- ITTLE his old age," said a Twelfth Precinct po- ality so easily ?" IVER liceman to a reporter early yesterday " Because when an Englishman comes morning. The speaker was standing at in here he asks for a cigar, pays for it PILLS. the corner of 'Grand and Fitt streets. without asking any questions and walks The man whom he pointed out was a out." short, stout person, whose gray hair and " Well ?" mustache gave evidence of his being " Well, when one of you Americans come in here, you walk up to the counter URE close to sixty years of age. He was Sick Headache and relieve all the troubles ind- walking along Grand street. and call for a cigar just as it you owned dent to a bilious state of the system, such as Dizziness, Nausea, Drowsiness, Distress after " What does he do ?" asked the re- the whole d—d earth." eating, Pain in the Side, &o. While their moat porter, The American threw down a quarter, remarkable success has been shown in curing Well, I'll tell you his history. He picked up the cigars and walked out was a mechanic who got out of a job without a word.—Atlanta Constitution. SICK about two years ago. Being used to Headache, yet Carter's Little Liver Pills are Costly Candor. equally valuable in Constipation, curing and pre- rising early, he kept it up, though out of venting this annoying complaint,while they also work. A bartender living in his house A story is told of Congressman Taul- correct all disorders of the stomach,stimulate the Spec' dar's poor off-cullud darkeys up in heben white bee, of Kentucky, who was shot lately liver and regulate the bowels. Even if they only as snow, asked the old man to wake him every Spec' dar's lots ob likely niggas buckin' cord-wood morning. He consented, and continued by Charles Kincaid, in Washington City, down below, that contains considerable humor. An to do so for "a week or more, when the cured HEAD Nebber steer a midnight journey by de screamin' bartender explained to a milkman how old colored man called Uncle Eph had Ache they would be almost priceless to those who rib de loon— lived in the Taulbee family many years suffer from this distressing complaint; but fortu- he managed to get out of bed on time. nately their goodness does not end here,and those Nebber spec' ter 'prove yer beauty in a tussle wid The ii ilkmari was a late riser, and he got and was considered an honest and faith- who once try them will find these little pills 'valu- de coon, ful old servant. After the election for able in so many ways that they will not be wil- the old man to wake him up also. It ling to do without them. But after all sick head IIf yo' coat Is las' yeah's pattern, plod erlong an' was not long before the milkman told a Congressman, Taulbee having been a new thin', drowsy butcher of the scheme, and the candidate, he was taunted by some of his bat's a pile ob healthy growin' in de humbly punkin opponents with the statement that Uncle bine. old mah hat's another customer. The CHE t ph had voted against him. Loath to Is the bane of so many lives that here Ie Where Allut sabb de dryes' field-corn fur de grindin' At tie old man got paid from each man, and re- we make our great boast. Our pills cure it while ports of his iU.ial;ility having got around believe it, he called old Eph into his tooth others do not. h Iii; Carter's Little Liver Pills are very small and . Allus sabe yo' stionges' breathin' fur de journey up among those \vile had to get up early, hd Eifid said: very easy to take. One or two pills make a dose. de hill. thicle kph; is it true that you toted They are strictly vegetable and do tot gripe or soon had over a t!or.m. customers. He purge, but by their gentle action please all who Nebber harness up de sto' clerk ter pull frough de now has enough men to keep him going against me at the election ?" pee them. In vials at 25 cents ; Aye for $1. geld by iirtiggists everywhere, or sent by mail. fiel'-han's part; all night. He 1 as .lever been known to " Yes, Massa Williani," replied Eph; We'n ye' spec' ter tote de firewood, use de common t CARTEN MEDICINE CO., New Yotk. let a man sleep after the Lime when ho I voted de 'Publican ticket." dumpin' cart. Well," said Taulbee, " I like frank- —J. Russell Fisher, in St. Louis Magazine., had to get up. For, as he says himself, ness, and here's a dollar for yotir can- Da lull trim Imiseffeserwmmis....? ' the man might loge his job; and if he ed dor." THt DUDE. does I lose a. eristomer.' He tarries a Ask Iottr store-keeper for it toindie of Cotoia'S The old colored man stood scratching TAFFY-TOW. It's delicious. oe policeman's night-stick and a huge bunch He is a man of many charms; his head, when Taulbee asked: gs Of keys."—New York Sun. t0 14 Lovely Beauties. steeled, onIy SO The largest is a loticet ; " Well, Eph, what is it ?" pRop 41 for 25c. NOVELTY CO., Bay Shore, N. Y: or Huge checks he has upon his tiothe, The Census will Show Less Deafness. " Well, Massa Taulbee," said Evil, But rarely in his pocket. YSPEPTICS (inetrable preferrei*ahted. Potr''s It is claimed that there will be considerable fall- " if you is buying candor you owes me D POLIKLINIK, Philadelphia, Pa. ook free. Steno- His collar often rises high, ing off in the percentage of deaf people in the tion TEXAS SIFTINGS. Though mild his disposition ; Census of 1890, owing to the extended use of the fo' dollars mo', kase I voted agin ye five He screws a glass into his eye ; sound disc invented by a citizen of Bridgeport, times."—Cincinnati Enquirer. DIVORCES gra telityeseiVeottliirilllFcoarusierBl eak appal- Conn., named H. A. Wales. cation free. Robert White, Att'y, 145 Broadway, B.t. Although he's no magician. Aes Consumption Surely Cured. JOHN MILLARD writes from Odin- ELIXIR grows the heaviest beard, and His voice is low, his scarf-pin loud, A Woman's Pocketbook. burg. Ind.. Nor. 29, —Dyke' s Beard hair, In 4 weeks. Warranted. In bottles To the Editor : Please inform your readers that Blisirhas produced a hoary moustache or metal came. reads for ww. Complete His cane his greatest passion ; ou remedy by mail, only 25e, in stamps or " I read in to-day's paper that a pocket- I have a positive remedy for the above named dis- my upper lip In 4 weeks. My face silver. Vl'orth four times this amount. All tailor-made is he, and yet— ease. By its timely use thousands of hopeless cases was entirely smooth. Hundreds more. Smith Med. Co., Palatine, Ills. A man—after a fashion. book had been left here by some one have been permanently cured. I shall be glad to —Addle Funk, in Puck. who had found it, and I called to ask send two bottles of my remedy FREE to any of your MONTH. Agents nte •3. readers who have consumption, if they will send $230 igt articlesin theword.t l 1n' 1satpe brstx IV • about it ; I have lost mine," said a New nie their Express and P. 0. Address. Respectfully, Address N. A.MARSH, Detroit, Midi. WHAT HE WOULD DO. York woinan iri newspaper office the T. A. SLOCUM, M. C., 281 Pearl St., N. Y. ((irk osaldlreil hiblvo,Ar6e p,kofits, other day. AGENTS WANTED b sale., rare Y I wish I was a editot, She Sweetly Requested. opportunity. Geo. A. gicott, roe way, N. r. I'd in my sanktum stand, " Yes, ma'am," replied the clerk in at- There were seven men standing on the And wear upon my Countenance tendance. " Will you please describe the 1. rear platform of a Gratiot avenue car, to $S a day. Samples worth 82.15 FREE A smile just orful bland. contents of the pocketbook you lost?" I Lines not under horses' feet. Write Brew- de An' when the candydate cum in and every one of them was smoking, $5 ster Safety Rein Holder Co., Holly, Mich ;is " Well, now—let me see. I think I ?T- To try to taffy me, when a woman signaled to the conductor ADAME GIOVANNINI, 37 East 64th street. Young ed I'd exercise rio modesty can name everything that was in my M Ladies' Home School of Music, Languages, Elo- :al to stop. He held the door open, but she cution and Painting. English Department. Terms dy To any grate degtee ; purse. There was a dollar bill, two ten- moderate. stood and surveyed the crowd for a I'd tell him tight into his teeth tent pieces, one or two nickels, two or AS That our influence alters moment, and, as no one moved, she INDIAN ASTHMA CURE. Send two he three coppers, some postage stamps, some Is lent to the aspirin' man sweetly requested : cent stamp for trial package and cir- That has the shinin' $ $ $, silk samples, a small sample of yellow LI A. B. cular. Eastern Drug & Chemical Co. "Conductor, won't you please knock 71 Oliver Street, Boston, Mass. An' if he handed up the dust, floss, a pearl-handled glove-buttoner, a lit- Forthwith my sheet 'd praise hint, out one side of the car, so that I can get 00 tle poem entitled Baby's Bath, a recipe for out without disturbing those gentlemen ?" Mittz,-;ZON BOORS, rare, curious, current, in stock. 00 Silt if he didn't come to time, Almotut given away. Libraries supplied obeapes 00 Great Moses ! how I'd raise him ! sweet pickles, a lock of baby's hair, a car —Detroit Free Press. than at any book store in the world. Librarier 00 and books Dought. Mammoth Catalogue free. LEG- 00 —Modern Argo. ticket, a sample of torchon lace, a, memo- GAT BROTHERS, 81 Chambers Street, 3d door West oo of City flail Park, New York. I0 randum of things I wanted to get, a row 00 50 NOW THAT SPRING HAS COME. of pins, a funny little joke cut from a 00 The Cod o0 A teacher in a Sunday-school announced that he'd newspaper, a small pearl button, a brass S tag, several addresses, a tiny lead pencil,. That Helps to Cure I CURE FITS ! present When I say cure I do not mean merely to stop them for a time and then have them return again. I moan a A silver-clasped, morocco bound, illumined Testa- a Canadian dime with a hole in it, a small radical care. I have made the disease of FITS, EPIL- ment The Cold. EPSY or FALLING SICKNESS a life-long study. I rubber eraser, a railroad time-card, an warrant my remedy to cure the worst cases. Because To every boy who, on the coming Sunday, could The disagreeable Dthers have failed is no reason for not now receiving a /P repeat advertisement of a bargain sale of hand- :tire. Send at once for a treatise and a Free Bottle taste of the ,f my infallible remedy. Give Express r.nd Post Office. From memory a chapter from the Scriptures all kerchiefs, a pressed violet in a hit of EL. lit. ROOT, MI 0.,183 Pearl St. New York. complete. tissue paper, a sample of dress braid, and COD LIVER OIL five or six other things that I can't—Oh, BOOKS WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN GOLD! When Sunday came he found that only one had is dissipated in BY MAIL POSTAGE PAID AT THE FOLLOWING PRICES: gained the prize, MONEY Ladles Guide to Fancy Work,Illustrated, $ .25 thank you ! yes, that's my pocketbook." How to Propigate and Grow Fruit, 111'd, .25 et And so he set to work some other method to devise ; American Live Stock Manual Illustrated, .25 And the pocketbook he handed her Guide to Profitable Poultry liaising, III'd, .25 Instead of Testaments he offered each a ball and was just three and a half inches long by EmploymentSeekersGuide,NcwOpemngs,&c..25 bat; SCOTT'S FRUIT Western World Guide and Hand-Book, .50 Dickens' Complete Works, 12 Vols., . 1.00 Ere Sunday came each urchin memorized his chap- two and a half wide and half an inch Waverly Novols,by Walter Scott,20 Vols., 1.50 thick.—Z. D., in Puck. POULTRY The Western World,illastrated,One Year, .25 ter pat. AN D Sample Copy and 100 Page Ottalogue, . .10 —Chicago Herald. Chance to Save Money on a Thousand Articles, Owned the Earth. many of which we send free for a few Subscribers. EMULSION STOCK Addrea THE WESTERN WORLD, Chicago. A good story is told of a distinguished ( Of Pure Cod Liver Oil with Atlanta educator who made a tour of HYPOPHOSPHITES 75 MONTH When Baby was sick, we gave her Castoria, Europe last summer. In Belgium he OT' LIME AND SOD.41. SALARY walked into a shop and called for a cigar. The patient suffering from and expenses paid, When she was a Child, she cried for Ca:itoria, MOW any active man or Several were thrown on the counter CONSUMPTION, woman to sell a When she became Miss, she clung to Castoria, BRONCHITIS COUGH, COLD, OR line of Silver " How much are -they worth ?" he Plated Ware, When she had Children, she gave them Castoria, WASTING DISEASES, may take the HORSE* auce,), Watches and Jew- asked. remedy with as much satisfaction as he elry by sample only; can live at home. We would take milk. Physicians are prescrib- FREE' furnish Team Free. Full particulars and ing it everywhere. It is a perfect emulsion. sample case Free. We mean J ust what we " Three for a 'quarter," answered the say, and do exactly as we agree. Address at once, and a wonderful flesh producer. Take no other Standard Silverware Co. Boston Mass. shopkeeper, glibly. ....-••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ••% 16 •-rExe SIFTINGS.

What a Boy Should Know at Eighteen. to powder and thrown into the river by Wanted to Be Great. A youth of eighteen who is to have the the irreverent captors. But the particles An old fellow was lying on the gravel best chances should know how to study, of the tooth came together, so the priests near a creek, groaning piteously. A man and how to do it with enthusiasm also, say, and assumed their original shape, came along and, seeing the sufferer, ap- because he has learned the lesson at and the perfect tooth was found reposing proached and asked what ailed him. least five years before. on a leaf. It was, carefully replaced in " Nothin', only I'm a blame fool," he Enthusiasm, guided and controlled by the altar of the temple, inside of nine answered, writhing in pain. knowledge as to the use of the powers, is golden caskets, where it remains to this " Well, but simply being a fool should the true life of a living man, alive with day. The blind worshipers believe it to not cause you to suffer so much. I have Have you used the spiritual forces. Everything else is be the original tooth of their god, and seen a great many fools, and they rather in sleep, or is dead. their faith is not at all shaken by the appeared to enjoy themselves." I make my starting-point, and my fact that naturalists who have examined " That mout be, but they wan't sich PEARSSOAP? guiding thought, the thought that he it pronounce it to be the small molar big fools as I am." 4: should learn how to study, and should tooth of an elephant." " But say, your leg seems to be broken. Father Paid. gain enthusiasm, at the beginning. A Casino Girl Out Walking. How did that come ?" Paterfamilias—" But this fast life of In the first place, as I think, the study " See that bunch of cornstalks and An exceedingly good looking young yours ; do you think it pays ?" of language may be most hopefully and trash up yander in that tree ?" the old Tom Fastun—" No, father, " it don't successfully started in these earliest woman who passed up Chestnut, street fellow replied, pointing to a tall syca- yesterday afternoon can congratulate pay, but I am very grateful that you do." years. The boy moves joyously where more. —Harvard Lampoon. the man finds only labor and weariness. herself on creating more of a sensation " Yes." The children of our households to-day and being the occasion of more comment " That was the cause. I come along LUCKY PRIZE WINNERS. may gain the same thing that we gained than any other member of her sex on here this mornin' and said to myself after the promenade. The curly blonde hair Lucky Investors in The Louisiana at five and twenty, and far more than we studyin' awhile : ' Milton B. Joyner,' said State Lottery. gained, when they are ten or twelve; and was crowned by an Alpine hat and a 1, ' you are gittin along in life and you profusion of feathers, her mouse-colored The last drawing of the Louisiana the progress is like the joyful song. of ain't never made folks open • thar eyes State Lottery proved fortunate for two their childhood, when they are led along gown fitted her handsome figure as if it yit, so it is high time, for I have noticed San Franciscans, as on March iith a por- the rational method. had been molded upon her, and was cut that a man that don't do somethin' outen tion of the first and also of the fourth capital prizes fell to residents of this city. They grow up into French and Ger- low enough back and front to permit a the usual never makes no noise in the liberal display of her plump neck, and Mrs. Charlotte Hedge, living at 32 man, as it were, as they grow up into world nor never causes folks to talk about Second street, was seen yesterday after- English, and talk and read and sing in sleeves that ended just below her elbow him. Now, I tell you what you do. You noon at her home. She keeps a room- these languages just as they do in their revealed a good deal of a shapely arm. have hearn folks talk about high water ing-house at the address named, and readily admitted that she was the lucky own. Why should they not breathe in The dress hardly fell lower than ber and have hearn a good deal of lyin' fust ankles, and so everybody was allowed holder of a coupon of ticket No. 813z enthusiasm with every breath of their and last, so now if you want to take the one-twentieth of which — representing learning ? It was with a great price, in- to see that she wore a startling pair of breath outen all the liars, jest tote a lot her share of the $3oo,000 and amounting deed, that we obtained this freedom. But very light lilac-colored shoes that har- to $15,000—was paid to her in gold coin. of cornstalks and trash way up in that She pleasantly stated that she had re- they were free born. monized well enough with the remainder tree and fix the stuff jest like the water of this stunning costume. It was these peatedly bought tickets, but had never Let me say here that, in my judgment, had left it thar. Then folks in gineral dreamed of such a large prize falling to every boy who has the best chances shoes that first caught the gaze of the and liars in particular will come atter her share. The money at present is rest- throng. Men stared with appreciative ing sately in the bank;-end Mrs. Hedge ought to have the mastery of the French they have hearn about it, and of all the has not made up her mid how she will or German language (I should say of interest, and women—the majority of wonderment you ever hearn in your life them—scowled and whispered disap- invest it. both) before he is eighteen years of age— you will hear it then, and not a man nor The other one of the winners mentioned a mastery kindred to that which he has proval to one another. But the object liar among them will dare to say that above is young Albert Bachman, employ- of .English. of it all swept along serenely unmindful they have ever know'd the water to be ed in the cigar store of R. S. Gannon at of the attention that she excited, though the Post, Market and Montgomery He should also have such a knowledge any higher, and then, old man,' says I, streets gore. He has been a. regular of Greek and Latin as will mean power she could not possibly have been uncon- still talkin' to n-yself, you can go. on buyer of lottery tickets for.the past seven in and over those languages, and will scious of it as she chatted with her escort. away a-knowin' that you have made years and has on several occassions won enable him to read them with ease and She was a Casino chorus girl and had folks open thar eyes.' Wall, I gathered prizes of from $5 to $5o. Last drawing stood in tights too often before audiences he struck it rich, however, for ticket No. with satisfaction as he enters upon his up the trash and cornstalks and toted 26,354 won $25,000, and his coupon en- college course. The man who knows the to be worried because people were look- them up to the top of the tree, and fixed titling him to one-twentieth of that sum, e.ncient languages as he ought to know ing at her and talking about her.—Phila- them all nice and started down, but my consequently brought him $1,250. He is delphia Enquirer. a pleasant young man, and though them, will never contend against their foot slipped and the fust thing I know'd elated over his success, has not lost his holding a place in the education of all Women as Car-Jumpers. I was layin' here with a broken leg and head, but is steadily sticking to his post, widely educated and roundly educated a-knowin' that I was the biggest fool in earning his living by the sale of the fra- men. " I never tried but once to step off a this whole country. Now you know." grant weed. He is well known and his The boy who has the best chances moving street-car," said a Detroit lady in " You were indeed foolish." success was amatter of sincere congratu- conversation with a friend. lation from his friends..-=-San Francisco ought, in the years between twelve and " The biggest fool in the country, I (Cal.) Chronicle, April 2. eighteen, to be set forward in his course " Did you get a fall?" tell you." of history and the beginnings, at least, of " No. I had heard my husband say Can I do anything for you ?" ONE looking at Niagara naturally gets the literature of his own language. that you must jump off in the direction in " Nothin', only if you feel kind toward a falls impression.—Harvard Lampoon. My feeling is that the boys who have which the car is going, and as it reached me you can jest break this other leg, for the best chances should know something the place where I wanted to stop I just sich a man as 1 am oughtenter have no of music, and should, at least, see the skipped out as if I had been accustomed legs a tall." opening of the door towards art studies. to it." " Oh, I couldn't do that." The opinion is now well established, I " Was it as difficult as you supposed ?" " Then go on away and let me alone." suppose, that all persons can be instgzija •44 It was ten times harder. 1 ran a few " But I don't want to leave you here to Arnotb, in vocal music with a measure of siweess. steps, and it seemed to me that the suffer alone." I believe that the same thing cats' be ac- whole planet was turning round. I " That's all right, podner. I won't be complished in the line of instrumental sprawled all over to keep from falling, 'mne long. Old Jim Pitts will come Gnztahlt music. and when I struck the sidewalk I ne. Aong atter while and knock me in the That the mathematical studies should knocked two men dow" whO were pass- head. Good-by."—Arkansaw Traveler. ing, in my mad attemp, to preserve an be pursued energetically before the youth -1111110" UPHOLSTERY DEPARTMENT, has reached the age of which we are equilibrium. As I reeled away I heard Natural Curiosity. one of them exclaim : speaking, I may add, is admitted by all. "I should think, sir," said a Mormon Are now exi ibiting a very choice The men of the former generations and "4 It's a shame to see a•woman in such a condition on the public streets—she wife severely to her husband at Castle selection of the men of our day agree at this point.— Garden the other morning, "that you President Dwight, in the April Forum.. ought to be arrested.' I could not run after him to explain matters, but I have would be ashamed to be seen flirting SPRING AND SUMMER Queer Indian Superstitions. never had the slightest ambition to jump with that girl so openly." FURNISHING GOODS, off a street-car in motion since. Yet it "Flirting, my dear," he returned in as- The superstition of the pagan religions tonished tones. "I wasn't flirting. We Specially adapted for country houses. is well illustrated by an anecdote, related does look so easy when John does it."— Detroit Free Press. were engaged before the vessel left in the St. Paul Pioneer Press, of a traveler Queenstown." Aubussons, Crepes, in India. One of the numerous temples She Saved the Dog. "Oh," said his wife, calmly, "I beg contains a couple of relics of the god to " Madam, the house is on fire. Save your pardon. If you have proposed to Twills, Sateells, whom it was dedicated, one of which is her, I presume it's all right. When does the last footprint made on the earth by yourselt and child as best you can." " Good Heaven, where is Fido!" the interesting event take place ?"—New LIGHT SILK AND LACE CURTAINS. the god before ascending to heaven. York Truth. This footprint is in the solid rock, show- " Here in his little crib." WINDOW SHADES. ing that the god gave a vigorous push to " Nonsense, man. That is the baby. A Good Time to Start. start himself well on the way, and it is Ah, here is my little doggie. Wait till I put his little blanket on. He might catch " You haven't a cent, and yet wish to about two feet in length, showing that he marry Miss Bilyan. Don't you expect ffitoaDvval 4°6 144st. was of super-heroic stature. The other cold." And what shall I do with the baby ?" her father to kick you out ?" relic is a tooth of the god. Some years intend to go before the NEW YORK. " We are only five stories from the " Oh, no. I ago the _temple was captured by Euro- ground. Drop it out the window."— footlights. "—Sm i th , Gray & Co, 's Month- peans, and the sacred tooth was ground America, ly.