FNU-W018-03-Wed

FAKE NEWS UPDATE

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“Week18 - Wednesday”

July 31st, 2019 - “Crocodile Dundee 4: Crocodile Dundee Done Did the Dun-deed Indeed”

Written by Cody Hofmockel, Brigham Mosley, and Isaac Young

Contact: 2001 Bryan St. Floor 39 Dallas, TX 75205 Phone: 214.453.1881 Email: [email protected] PERENNIAL The Fake News Update is brought to you in part by Money?! Now gather ‘round the foot of this La-Z-Boy, children, and let old uncle Eschy tell ya all about the birds and the bees and the money! Money is often exchanged for goods and services - or in this case, INVESTED - in future goods and future services. FNUture services if you’re nasty! So money in our pocket is really just a metaphor for our goverment’s belief in its own inherent value. Mo’ money mo’ problems? That’s a Biggie...LIE! Money! Thanks for it!

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ANAHITA Skinning a mink a mink a mink Skinning a mink well DON’T! Animal rights activists say... we don’t love you. With all the news you never knew you needed and all the news you needed to know, I’m Anahita Ardashir…

PERENNIAL And I’m Perennial Eshner, from the KLMNOP studios in kid-friendly Miami, Florida! This is FNU, the Fake News Update.

ANAHITA And now, today’s headlines. Jell-O buys Nabisco in a monumental food merger. Their first joint endeavor: Pudding on the Ritz.

PERENNIAL [longest inhale full of wonder] It’s my fantasy come true!

ANAHITA Oh, Perennial! Expected launch date isn’t ‘til 2022!

PERENNIAL Headline: disappointment in the linear nature of time.

ANAHITA But now you get to create a new advent calendar!

PERENNIAL [longest inhale full of wonder] I’ll get my stickers!

ANAHITA Perennial, they’re in your desk!

PERENNIAL Convenient! Thanks, Past Me! Maybe I should stick...er ‘round a lil longer!

ANAHITA Jubilance in the televised sphere as CBS introduces a new hit program targeted at College-age young adults. Everybody Loves Ramen is a win- win in that it is quick, simple, and cheap to produce.

PERENNIAL Speaking of cheap! Let’s check out the chick cam.

ANAHITA

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And now, the glue that binds this humble program.

Eschner Assesses!

PERENNIAL Yeah!

This week I’m reviewing the long-awaited entry in the Crocodile Dundee series, Crocodile Dundee 4: Crocodile Dundee Done-did the Done-deed Indeed, starring Laura Dern as Chompers the Baby Croc, Bradley Cooper as Lil Samantha, and Paul Hogan as Grandaddy Dundee. Who knew that a superior Alien Croc Race would land on planet Australia?! Laura Dern is IMMACULATE as Chompers the Baby Croc - a super intelligent young crocodame with a vendetta to RESOLVE! I can picture the inevitable merch now! Lil Chompers tees! Lil Chompers tea! Lil Chompers TEETH! I can see aisles of Lil Chompers merch in Walled Greens, Walled Marts, and uhhh...Target. Anahita, we are so fortunate right now, to have RECEIVED an exclusive clip of Crocodile Dundee 4: Crocodile Dundee Done Did the Done-deed Indeed. So now, without further ado, here is the ubiquitous scene featuring former President Barack Obama and Katherine Heigel. John in the Booth, roll that tape!

OBAMA Uh...these crocodiles...have done did the deed.

KATHERINE Indeed!

PERENNIAL Wow. Just give them all the awards - Heets, can we give them our awards?!

ANAHITA Uh... we don’t have any.

PERENNIAL Other featured guest stars include Alf, The Tupac hologram, Adult Alfalfa, and the Hamburger Helper mitten, now on parole. Mazel, HH.

And finally, the original song, written exclusively for Crocodile Dundee 4: Crocodile Dundee Done Did the Done-deed Indeed by Lin Manuel Miranda, this is: After While Crocodile:

LIN MANUEL MIRANDA How does croco Dile Comin’ from the Nile In a world of denile Get out for a while? Turnin’ frowns from the smiles Sayin’ that’s not a knife

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This is a knife That’s my wife! What?!

PERENNIAL Wow. Talk about a WIN Manuel Miranda.

ANAHITA Join us every morning, Monday through Thursday for all the news. Just all of it.

PERENNIAL The Fake News Update is this. And it’s brought to you by dreamers and creamers alike - as well as Spoke Media. If you haven’t followed us yet, then I’m gonna get a reverse restraining order on YOU! That’s right, a court-ordered mandate requiring you to stay within 10 feet of this program at ALL TIMES. So subscribe to us already on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Castbox, and you can probably find me at your local midnight screening of Crocodile Dundee 4: Crocodile Dundee Done Did The Done-Deed Indeed! Thank you for listening! And until next time:

ANAHITA/PERENNIAL This is FNU/Is this a knife?

MOVIE TRAILER GUY In a world that is like our world but there’s also another world and that world is filled with crocodiles.

HOGAN Crikey, mate.

MOVIE TRAILER GUY There’s only one man.

HOGAN Croc-y, mate.

MOVIE TRAILER GUY And many other men. And women. And children. And crocodiles. Featuring performances by Taylor Swift Air Bud Reginald Vel Johnson The original cast of WINGS Idina Menzel Captain Crunch Flo, The Progressive Lady Winnie the Pooh, but evil That Hand from Adams Family Mark Summers Sonic the Hedgehog

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Greg Kinnear And Zoe Saldana in a motion capture suit.

Crocodile Dundee 4: Crocodile Dundee Done Did the Done Deed Indeed

OBAMA My fellow Australians, the time has come... to make boots outta these crocs.

MOVIE TRAILER GUY Coming to theaters last summer. Rated G.

CHILD After while, crocodile.