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"Potpourri" by Ripleigh Hatfield New Girl

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"Potpourri" By Ripleigh Hatfield New Girl INT. NICK, WINSTON, JESS AND SCHMIDT’S APARTMENT KITCHEN. DAY. SCHMIDT is dipping a tea bag into a cup of hot water in the kitchen as he stands across from NICK who is sitting at the kitchen island while fidgeting with a rubber band ball in his hands. SCHMIDT I don’t care what your opinion is, Nick. It’s wrong. (BEAT) And that is a fact. NICK Come on, hear me out... SCHMIDT (sternly, louder than before) Cereal is not a soup. NICK Do you know the definition of so-? SCHMIDT (cuts Nick off. He’s visibly annoyed.) Yes I know what soup is, I’m not an idiot. NICK So why can’t milk be considered broth, dude? (shrugs) It’s broth. You know it is broth. SCHMIDT You imbecile, I can not deal with your stupidity this early. I haven’t even drank my Early Bird Very Berry Skinny Detox Tea yet. Schmidt, looking exhausted, goes to take a sip of his tea as JESS enters the kitchen carrying a small decorative bowl of potpourri. Schmidt and Nick stop talking and both look at Jess, confused. JESS (bubbly) Good morning guys, what’s up? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2. NICK I was just explaining to Schmidt how cereal technically is a soup but he- SCHMIDT (pointing to Nick) Silence. (pointing to the potpourri bowl) Jess, you cannot keep bringing home things your students find on your ridiculous parking lot scavenger hunts. I keep stepping on pine needles and you know the softness and smoothness of my feet is one of my best features. JESS (giggles) Relax Schmidt, it’s just potpourri. NICK (sarcastically, in an immature manner) Ha, Yeah, cause poop is so much better than sticks. JESS Not poop, Nick. Potpourri. It’s this.. NICK (interrupting Jess as he looks down to continue playing with his rubber band ball) Yep, not hearing a difference. Jess holds the bowl out towards Nick with a huge smile on her face. JESS Here, just smell it and then you’ll understand. It smells good! Like flowers! NICK (dramatically pulls away) Get that away from me, I’m a man. I don’t like the smell of flowers. JESS That’s ridiculous. Everyone likes a nice scent. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 3. She holds the bowl up to Schmidt’s face. He smells it and his face lights up. He is clearly very interested in it. Jess smirks back at Nick as Schmidt has just backed up her argument. SCHMIDT Oh my heavens, Jess. You could be onto something! What is this potpourri gift? Where can I find more? JESS Well, you see, it’s actually just dried up, dead little plants and stuff. It’s kind of sad but also kind of beautiful. They made something beautiful out of flower death. Schmidt makes a pouty face at Jess’s statement. SCHMIDT Truly poetic. JESS I got lucky. Mrs.Tolken got fired.. something about an inappropriate comment in the hall bathroom? I don’t know but anyways, she rushed out of the school so fast that this little fella (she holds up the bowl of potpourri) got left behind on her desk! SCHMIDT Okay...mildly concerning. Nick begins to get annoyed and he ends up snapping one of the rubber bands on his finger. NICK Ow! See! Look what you did guys! No good could come from something called poop-erie. Schmidt and Jess ignore him and continue talking. Nick, annoyed, gets up from the kitchen stool and takes a step but ends up stumbling a bit after almost tripping over FERGUSON, WINSTON’S cat. NICK (screaming) WINSTON! (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 4. Winston enters the central living space from his bedroom. He is wearing a dirty robe and looks a mess. He mopes towards the group. NICK I keep tripping over your damn cat dude. Winston sighs and tries to pick up Ferguson but the cat hisses and jumps from his hands. Winston begins to cry and Nick cringes. NICK Oh God, seriously? Come on, get it together. WINSTON (crying and walking back towards his room while dramatically throwing his arms up with each statement) Daisy doesn’t want me. Her cat doesn’t want me. Nobody wants me. NICK Forget Daisy! and for that- Nick points to the cat that is walking around on the further side of the room It’s just a cat, dude. It doesn’t have feelings. It can’t (air quotes) "not like you". WINSTON That’s it. Winston stops in his tracks and turns around. He’s suddenly stopped crying and looks determined. He begins to walk defiantly to the front door of the apartment. WINSTON I’m gonna make him like me. INT. NICK, WINSTON, JESS AND SCHMIDT’S APARTMENT LIVING ROOM. LATER THAT DAY. Schmidt and Jess are sitting on the couch, making decorative baggies of potpourri and filling up a basket with them. Schmidt is wearing his infamous, beloved kimono. Nick enters from outside of the apartment, eating a large bag of beef jerky. He notices them on the couch and groans dramatically with his mouth full. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 5. NICK (muffled by the jerky in his mouth) Come on! SCHMIDT (oblivious) What? NICK What the hell is that? SCHMIDT (again, oblivious, gesturing to his kimono) What? This? It’s my mono. (shrugs) Don’t you dare disrespect a cultural tradition like that, man. (points to Nick) NICK (yells in frustration) I’m not talking about your stupid kimono. What are you doing?! JESS (excitedly) We’re making potpourri bags! Jess holds some up to show that they are different colors with different styles of ribbon. JESS Look how cute they are. Come join us! SCHMIDT (matching Jess’s excitement) And we have three different scents. Gah, you know I love a variety. NICK (still yelling) Why do you need that much poop-erie? JESS (correcting him) It’s potpourri. Nick is not phased by the correction of the pronunciation. It is clear he doesn’t realize he is pronouncing the word incorrectly. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 6. SCHMIDT It was actually Jess’s idea. I’m going to give them out at work tomorrow. Monica always brings in donuts and I’ve heard them in the break room. It’s repulsive. They worship her for it. Want to impress me? Try harder than Krispy Kreme, Monica. (BEAT) What’s your problem with this anyways? Everyone else likes it. NICK That’s because you work with women! All women. Try handing those out at the bar, man. SCHMIDT (with attitude) Those men are disgusting. There is nothing wrong with hygiene, Nicolas, you should try it. You could never smell as good as potpourri, not in a million years, not even if I helped you. And the good lord knows I have tried... Schmidt looks up and does a small prayer motion. NICK Good! That’s how I like it! Last time I checked, I was a man. And you know what a man smells like? SCHMIDT God, I hope that’s a rhetorical. NICK (ignoring Schmidt’s comment) Beer! Sweat! Cheese. All types of cheese. Pizza grease! (holding up his jerky) Jerky! JESS (making a grossed out face) Aw, really? Come on Nick. Even with your lack of a proper hygiene schedule, you don’t even smell that bad. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 7. SCHMIDT (looking at Jess) Speak for yourself. He’s like a baby pig. You should’ve seen him before you moved in. Come on. (looking back at Nick) Let’s go. Schmidt grabs Jess’s arm and yanks her off the couch. He pulls her along as he walks up to Nick, stopping right in front of him, a little too close for comfort. SCHMIDT (dramatically, in a hushed voice) We’re going candle shopping. NICK (throws his arms out as they pass him and yells) WHAT! Schmidt, where are your balls? This is ridiculous. Jess grabs her purse from a table as she’s dragged out the door behind Schmidt. The door swings close and Nick sighs. Nick pouts dramatically and goes to sit on the couch but first, intensely kicks the basket of potpourri to the floor. As he sits, Winston enters from the main door of the apartment, carrying a lot of grocery bags on each arm. He is still in his robe from earlier. No one has seen him for hours. Nick looks up at him, confused. NICK Where the hell you been dude? WINSTON (ignoring his question) Where’s the cat? NICK I don’t kn- WINSTON (cutting him off as he runs off screen) (O.S, in a singsong voice) Fergusoooon. Fergieeeee. (in a serious, angry voice) Where’s the damn cat? NICK (with concern) Winston... (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 8. Winston appears back on screen with a semi-crazed look on his face. He drops all the grocery bags on the coffee table and they tumble over and miscellaneous cat toys fall out onto the coffee table. Nick and Winston look at the table then at each other then back at the table then back at each other, silent. NICK Winston.... WINSTON Shh.... Winston slowly lifts his finger and puts it on Nick’s lips in a shushing moment. He closes his eyes. WINSTON If Daisy didn’t like me, I’m gonn’ make damn sure this cat does. (beat) No matter what it takes. INT THEIR APARTMENT LIVING ROOM. THAT NIGHT. Schmidt and Jess enter the apartment carrying bags from different shops and boutiques. They excitedly talk and giggle like young girls and are discussing scented candles and which scents they chose.
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