"Potpourri" By Ripleigh Hatfield

New Girl INT. NICK, WINSTON, JESS AND SCHMIDT’S APARTMENT KITCHEN. DAY. SCHMIDT is dipping a tea bag into a cup of hot water in the kitchen as he stands across from NICK who is sitting at the kitchen island while fidgeting with a rubber band ball in his hands. SCHMIDT I don’t care what your opinion is, Nick. It’s wrong.

(BEAT) And that is a fact. NICK Come on, hear me out...

SCHMIDT (sternly, louder than before) Cereal is not a soup. NICK Do you know the definition of so-? SCHMIDT (cuts Nick off. He’s visibly annoyed.) Yes I know what soup is, I’m not an idiot. NICK So why can’t milk be considered broth, dude? (shrugs) It’s broth. You know it is broth.

SCHMIDT You imbecile, I can not deal with your stupidity this early. I haven’t even drank my Early Bird Very Berry Skinny Detox Tea yet.

Schmidt, looking exhausted, goes to take a sip of his tea as JESS enters the kitchen carrying a small decorative bowl of potpourri. Schmidt and Nick stop talking and both look at Jess, confused.

JESS (bubbly) Good morning guys, what’s up?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2.

NICK I was just explaining to Schmidt how cereal technically is a soup but he-

SCHMIDT (pointing to Nick) Silence. (pointing to the potpourri bowl) Jess, you cannot keep bringing home things your students find on your ridiculous parking lot scavenger hunts. I keep stepping on pine needles and you know the softness and smoothness of my feet is one of my best features.

JESS (giggles) Relax Schmidt, it’s just potpourri. NICK (sarcastically, in an immature manner) Ha, Yeah, cause poop is so much better than sticks. JESS Not poop, Nick. Potpourri. It’s this.. NICK (interrupting Jess as he looks down to continue playing with his rubber band ball) Yep, not hearing a difference. Jess holds the bowl out towards Nick with a huge smile on her face. JESS Here, just smell it and then you’ll understand. It smells good! Like flowers! NICK (dramatically pulls away) Get that away from me, I’m a man. I don’t like the smell of flowers. JESS That’s ridiculous. Everyone likes a nice scent.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 3.

She holds the bowl up to Schmidt’s face. He smells it and his face lights up. He is clearly very interested in it. Jess smirks back at Nick as Schmidt has just backed up her argument.

SCHMIDT Oh my heavens, Jess. You could be onto something! What is this potpourri gift? Where can I find more?

JESS Well, you see, it’s actually just dried up, dead little plants and stuff. It’s kind of sad but also kind of beautiful. They made something beautiful out of flower death. Schmidt makes a pouty face at Jess’s statement. SCHMIDT Truly poetic.

JESS I got lucky. Mrs.Tolken got fired.. something about an inappropriate comment in the hall bathroom? I don’t know but anyways, she rushed out of the school so fast that this little fella (she holds up the bowl of potpourri) got left behind on her desk!

SCHMIDT Okay...mildly concerning. Nick begins to get annoyed and he ends up snapping one of the rubber bands on his finger.

NICK Ow! See! Look what you did guys! No good could come from something called poop-erie. Schmidt and Jess ignore him and continue talking. Nick, annoyed, gets up from the kitchen stool and takes a step but ends up stumbling a bit after almost tripping over FERGUSON, WINSTON’S cat. NICK (screaming) WINSTON!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 4.

Winston enters the central living space from his bedroom. He is wearing a dirty robe and looks a mess. He mopes towards the group. NICK I keep tripping over your damn cat dude. Winston sighs and tries to pick up Ferguson but the cat hisses and jumps from his hands. Winston begins to cry and Nick cringes.

NICK Oh God, seriously? Come on, get it together. WINSTON (crying and walking back towards his room while dramatically throwing his arms up with each statement) Daisy doesn’t want me. Her cat doesn’t want me. Nobody wants me. NICK Forget Daisy! and for that- Nick points to the cat that is walking around on the further side of the room It’s just a cat, dude. It doesn’t have feelings. It can’t (air quotes) "not like you". WINSTON That’s it. Winston stops in his tracks and turns around. He’s suddenly stopped crying and looks determined. He begins to walk defiantly to the front door of the apartment.

WINSTON I’m gonna make him like me.

INT. NICK, WINSTON, JESS AND SCHMIDT’S APARTMENT LIVING ROOM. LATER THAT DAY.

Schmidt and Jess are sitting on the couch, making decorative baggies of potpourri and filling up a basket with them. Schmidt is wearing his infamous, beloved kimono. Nick enters from outside of the apartment, eating a large bag of beef jerky. He notices them on the couch and groans dramatically with his mouth full.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 5.

NICK (muffled by the jerky in his mouth) Come on! SCHMIDT (oblivious) What?

NICK What the hell is that? SCHMIDT (again, oblivious, gesturing to his kimono) What? This? It’s my mono. (shrugs) Don’t you dare disrespect a cultural tradition like that, man. (points to Nick) NICK (yells in frustration) I’m not talking about your stupid kimono. What are you doing?! JESS (excitedly) We’re making potpourri bags! Jess holds some up to show that they are different colors with different styles of ribbon.

JESS Look how cute they are. Come join us! SCHMIDT (matching Jess’s excitement) And we have three different scents. Gah, you know I love a variety. NICK (still yelling) Why do you need that much poop-erie? JESS (correcting him) It’s potpourri.

Nick is not phased by the correction of the pronunciation. It is clear he doesn’t realize he is pronouncing the word incorrectly.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 6.

SCHMIDT It was actually Jess’s idea. I’m going to give them out at work tomorrow. Monica always brings in donuts and I’ve heard them in the break room. It’s repulsive. They worship her for it. Want to impress me? Try harder than Krispy Kreme, Monica. (BEAT) What’s your problem with this anyways? Everyone else likes it. NICK That’s because you work with women! All women. Try handing those out at the bar, man.

SCHMIDT (with attitude) Those men are disgusting. There is nothing wrong with hygiene, Nicolas, you should try it. You could never smell as good as potpourri, not in a million years, not even if I helped you. And the good lord knows I have tried...

Schmidt looks up and does a small prayer motion. NICK Good! That’s how I like it! Last time I checked, I was a man. And you know what a man smells like?

SCHMIDT God, I hope that’s a rhetorical. NICK (ignoring Schmidt’s comment) Beer! Sweat! Cheese. All types of cheese. Pizza grease! (holding up his jerky) Jerky! JESS (making a grossed out face) Aw, really? Come on Nick. Even with your lack of a proper hygiene schedule, you don’t even smell that bad.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 7.

SCHMIDT (looking at Jess) Speak for yourself. He’s like a baby pig. You should’ve seen him before you moved in. Come on. (looking back at Nick) Let’s go. Schmidt grabs Jess’s arm and yanks her off the couch. He pulls her along as he walks up to Nick, stopping right in front of him, a little too close for comfort.

SCHMIDT (dramatically, in a hushed voice) We’re going candle shopping.

NICK (throws his arms out as they pass him and yells) WHAT! Schmidt, where are your balls? This is ridiculous.

Jess grabs her purse from a table as she’s dragged out the door behind Schmidt. The door swings close and Nick sighs. Nick pouts dramatically and goes to sit on the couch but first, intensely kicks the basket of potpourri to the floor. As he sits, Winston enters from the main door of the apartment, carrying a lot of grocery bags on each arm. He is still in his robe from earlier. No one has seen him for hours. Nick looks up at him, confused. NICK Where the hell you been dude?

WINSTON (ignoring his question) Where’s the cat? NICK I don’t kn- WINSTON (cutting him off as he runs off screen) (O.S, in a singsong voice) Fergusoooon. Fergieeeee. (in a serious, angry voice) Where’s the damn cat? NICK (with concern) Winston...

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 8.

Winston appears back on screen with a semi-crazed look on his face. He drops all the grocery bags on the coffee table and they tumble over and miscellaneous cat toys fall out onto the coffee table. Nick and Winston look at the table then at each other then back at the table then back at each other, silent. NICK Winston.... WINSTON Shh.... Winston slowly lifts his finger and puts it on Nick’s lips in a shushing moment. He closes his eyes. WINSTON If Daisy didn’t like me, I’m gonn’ make damn sure this cat does. (beat) No matter what it takes.

INT THEIR APARTMENT LIVING ROOM. THAT NIGHT. Schmidt and Jess enter the apartment carrying bags from different shops and boutiques. They excitedly talk and giggle like young girls and are discussing scented candles and which scents they chose. They look forward towards the couch and stop in their tracks and gasp. JESS Oh my god..

SCHMIDT Geezus Nick, you look worse than you did when you boycotted showering after I told you that you have to shampoo and condition your greasy hair.

Nick is shown sitting on the couch, legs spread out and feet up on the coffee table. His clothes are stained and remnants of food cover his shirt and lap. His hair is messy and there’s smudges of food on his face. His white socks are black on the bottom and one of his toes is sticking out of a hole on one of them. The coffee table and couch are covered with a variety of food wrappers and barely eaten food, most of which smell bad. NICK I’m a man Schmidt. This is what a man looks like.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 9.

Schmidt raises his hand and opens his mouth to speak but Nick cuts him off. NICK and I do shampoo and condition my hair.

(defensively) I told you I have a special condition where my hair looks greasy when its clean, we’ve been over this. It is not my fault! SCHMIDT No it’s because you only use one squeeze of a 4-1 body wash to clean yourself and your hair. You can’t do that. NICK (defensively) Yes I can. It’s efficient. I’m in and out in 112 seconds. That’s called a record, you said so yourself! SCHMIDT Records aren’t always good! I realized that once I won that tootsie roll eating contest sophomore year. I was on such a sugar high, I asked Becky Reanolds out and she punched me in the stomach and I threw up on her.

Schmidt pauses and closes his eyes and takes a slow breath. NICK This is a man’s apartment, Schmidt.

SCHMIDT You call yourself a man... you’re a caveman.... a monster.(quietly) You disgust me.

He steps towards the couch and Nick stands up. Crumbs fall to the floor. Jess, sensing the tension, steps between them and puts her hands up. JESS (positively)

(MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 10.

JESS (cont’d) Okay guys, come on now. Nick, go hop in the shower. I’ll clean this up.

Jess grabs a pizza box and closes it after taking a sniff and grimacing at the smell. JESS Oh my god. What did you order on this?

NICK Anchovies and Sardines. (beat) I told them to get them from the trash. How’s it smell, huh? Try fixing that with your stupid poop-erie. JESS This is making me nauseous.. oh my..

SCHMIDT (simultaneously with Jess) It’s potpourri. Come on. Jess drops the pizza box on the coffee table and covers her mouth as she scurries quickly to the hall bathroom. Nick watches her go, smiling in victory. He doesn’t notice Schmidt lighting a candle at first. When he does, he gets visibly mad and points to him. NICK NO. NO. NO. BLOW IT OUT. NOW. Schmidt holds the candle up in a teasing manner. SCHMIDT What are you going to do about it?

Nick runs towards him and Schmidt runs away, holding the candle up in the air. SCHMIDT (yelling) Are you crazy?! It’s fire, Nick. Back off. NICK I’m fighting fire with fire!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 11.

SCHMIDT That’s not what that means! They chase each other around the furniture of the apartment.

INT. NICK, WINSTON, JESS AND SCHMIDT’S APARTMENT. THE NEXT DAY, EARLY AFTERNOON. Nick exits his bedroom and yawns before groggily walking to the kitchen. He opens the fridge and grabs the orange juice and drinks it straight from the carton. Jess is sitting on the couch reading a book and looks up at Nick. He doesn’t notice her yet. JESS (cheerfully) Good morning! This surprises Nick and he jumps while spitting the orange juice out of his mouth as he yells.

NICK Jesus Jess, you almost gave me a heart attack JESS (grossed out) ...You drink straight from the carton? Nick looks at the carton in his hand then at Jess then back at the carton and puts it on the counter.

NICK No.... (beat) Wait a second... what the hell is that?

Nick points to a vase filled with a big bouquet of fake flowers that is on the coffee table. He continues to point to it as he walks around the kitchen island towards the living room. Jess smiles brightly and goes to adjust the flowers.

JESS I picked up some fake flowers from the store to brighten up the apartment. Aren’t they pretty?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 12.

NICK NO. NO. NO. (beat) (more calm)

Well yes. Yes they’re pretty. (angrily) But that’s not the point! JESS You do know I’m a girl right? NICK 3-1 ratio. 3! to! 1! JESS (offended) Wow.. ok. I see how it is. Jess gets up and starts to walk towards her bedroom. Nick picks up the vase of flowers and looks at it in a disgusted fashion. Jess stops walking and turns around to face Nick.

JESS I wish you would be a little more open-minded. She puts her hands on her hips. Nick stares at her with a blank expression. JESS A little bit more like Schmidt. Nick coughs in shock and offense.

NICK You did not just say that to me. JESS I did.

NICK. You didn’t. JESS (nodding dramatically) Mhmmmm. (beat) They both stare at each other as if in some type of show down.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 13.

JESS Why don’t you go take a look at his room?

Jess gestures towards the hallway with her head. Nick storms past her quickly in the direction of Schmidt’s room. He is still holding onto the vase of flowers. He disapears from the room and Jess remains standing there, her hands still on her hips. From offscreen, there is a sound of glass breaking. Jess realizes Nick has dropped or smashed the vase with the flowers. She sighs. JESS Ugh Nick...

Jess turns around and walks to Schmidt’s room.

INT. SCHMIDT’S BEDROOM Jess enters the room to see Nick pacing around the room. The room has potpourri bowls and bags everywhere. There are also flowers and other decorative items around the room and a giant painting of a garden on the wall. There is broken glass from the vase on the floor next to the fake flowers. Jess looks at them and pouts before going to pick them up. She looks up at Nick from her crouched position. JESS Seriously, Nick? This is just mean. I just thrifted this vase, too.

Nick groans very loudly and turns to Jess. NICK Where is she?!

JESS Who? Jess stands up.

NICK Whatever girl decided to move into Schmidt’s room. He throws his hands up.

NICK Look at this! This is ridiculous. I can’t even think over the smell of all this poop-erie!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 14.

JESS (confused) That doesn’t even make sense? and can you at least call it by its actual name?

NICK What are you talking about? He gets even more frustrated and looks around the room before stopping at the garden painting. He walks over to it.

NICK This is too far Schmidt! As Jess starts to say something in defense of the painting, Nick grabs it and yanks it aggressively off the wall. It comes off easily and he stumbles backwards but catches himself before he falls. He looks at Jess, a little bit embarrassed. NICK Easier than I thought.

He storms past Jess, carrying the large painting awkwardly. He gets to the doorway and the painting is too big to fit through the door. The edges of the painting bang on the wall on either side of the doorway. He grunts loudly in frustration and stops for a moment before turning sideways and angrily shuffling out of the doorway. NICK (very frustrated) COME ON!

Nick storms out to the living room and Jess follows quickly. JESS Where are you going?!

Nick is nearing the front door and Jess stops in the living room when asking that question. Nick stops in front of the door and turns around. NICK To the bar! To hang with real men!

He looks down at the painting. and I’m gonna give this to the first grandmother I find because that is where it belongs!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 15.

Nick turns back to the door and stares at it. He tries to balance the painting so he can open the door but he fails. He stumbles around and almost drops the painting. He realizes he cannot open the door and turns to Jess again.

NICK (embarrassed) Hey...uh..you think you could... Nick gestures with his head towards the door to ask if Jess will open it for him. She sighs and goes to open the door.

NICK (as he walks out the door) Just imagine this being a lot cooler than it was.

INT. "THE GRIFFIN", THE BAR NICK WORKS AT. SHORTLY AFTER HE LEFT THE APARTMENT. Nick walks up to the bar and notices a glass filled halfway with beer. Non-chalantly, he grabs it and chugs it in one gulp as he sits down on a barstool. He acknowledges the large, bald man sitting on the stool next to him with a slight nod. NICK (to the large, bald guy) Sup? The large, bald guy is silent and stares at him. MIKE, the owner of "The Griffin" is bartending at the time and walks over to Nick once he spots him.

MIKE What the hell are you doing here? I thought you called out sick today. NICK And I thought you weren’t annoying. Guess we’re both wrong. Now, be a doll and get me a beer. Mike gets angry but instead of retaliating, he sighs and pours Nick a large glass of beer. Nick gulps in down in one sip again and slowly pushes the glass back towards Mike, motioning for him to fill it up again. He’s startled by the large, bald man finally speaking. BALD MAN (in a quiet, monotone voice) You drank my beer.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 16.

Mike slides Nick his glass which he has filled up with beer once again. NICK (to Mike) Well. You heard the man. Get him a beer. (to large, bald man) Sorry about that dude. Don’t worry, it’s on him. (pointing to Mike)

Mike shows frustration again but stays silent as he pours a beer for the large, bald man. Nick clinks his glass against the bald man’s glass. Nick clinks his enthusiastically while the bald man barely moves. NICK Now you seem like a man. My roommates are being so annoying. They got all this pooperie stuff in our apartment, it’s insane. MIKE Potpourri? NICK (angry) Mind your business! (to the bald man) Who does he think he is? Just cause he owns the damn bar. Anyways, where was I? Montage of Nick drinking beer and talking to the bald man. CUT TO:

NICK Last time I checked, we were men. Well, at least I am. Schmidt’s like half a man, at best.

CUT TO: Nick tries to cheers with the bald man again but gets rejected. He holds his beer still in the air for a moment before chugging it down.

CUT TO: NICK It’s got a dumb name too. Pooperie. Poop. (beat) erie. Doesn’t even make sense.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 17.

CUT TO: Nick finishes a glass of beer and burps. The bald man finishes his beer too and burps louder. Nick laughs. NICK (yelling drunkenly) MEN! CUT TO:

Nick has his head on the bald man’s shoulder as the bald man rubs his back in a comforting way. It is obvious they are both drunk. Nick is crying. NICK (slurring and pausing to cry between words) I miss her. I do. I do. And I am a man. A manly man. So manly. But she... she called me a boy. But I am not a boy!

BALD MAN Who? NICK (angry) Caroline! Are you even listening to me? BALD MAN Honestly, not really. I’ve just been trying to drink some beer but you won’t shut up. I figured I would stay quiet to be nice. NICK Screw you dude! I thought we were friends.

Nick gets up to leave and almost falls. BALD MAN I don’t know you. NICK (to Mike) Peace out loser! MIKE (yelling to Nick as Nick stumbles to the door) (MORE) 18.

Nick, wait. You didn’t pay. Nick leaves the bar and Mike sighs in defeat.

INT. THE APARTMENT. SHORTLY AFTER. Nick enters the apartment drunk. Jess and Schmidt are back on the couch making more potpourri bags. Nick groans and they look up.

NICK (stuttering and pronouncing the word wrong) Un..be..liebable.

JESS ...Are you drunk? NICK No you’re drunk. (beat) So what if I’m drunk. I’m a man. I’m a drunk man. I am not a boy. I don’t care what she says! JESS What? Who?

NICK You...guys are.. He points to them. It is obvious that he’s very drunk. SCHMIDT God, Nicolas. Pull yourself together, man. It’s embarrassing how out of touch you are with your masculinity. Nick laughs loudly. His laugh ends in a burp due to being drunk. Jess and Schmidt make faces at each other. SCHMIDT And you owe me for my painting.

NICK (stuttering) Ha! You should owe me. For getting rid of it. (he smiles and chuckles softly) You should have seen how happy that little old woman was. (beat)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 19.

(questioningly and to himself) Was she homeless? Uh.. He shrugs and walks towards them and picks up a potpourri bag. He tries to throw it up and catch it but stumbles and almost drops it. I should go give her these too. SCHMIDT What’s your problem?

NICK I don’t have a problem. Just .. last time I checked.. I wasn’t a chick. SCHMIDT (under his breath) Well, you sure do complain like one. JESS Alright guys, come on, this is ridiculous! Jess turns to Nick. (calmly) Nick, you’re not being nice. Apologize to Schmidt.

Jess gestures to Schmidt and Nick turns to him and clears his throat. NICK (dramatically) Dearest Roommate... best friend of mine...SchmidttyBoy... I am so... so... so... incredibly... sorry ... (beat) that you have become a woman.

Jess groans and Schmidt scoffs. SCHMIDT I’m above you Nick. I refuse to argue with a drunk toddler. Go along now. Grab your blankie and go to bed. NICK (very drunkenly) You’re a drunk toddler. (beat) (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 20.

NICK (cont’d) Poop-erie is stupid. JESS Potpourri.

NICK Yeah, poop-erie. SCHMIDT Potpourri.

NICK That’s what I said. JESS It’s potpour-

SCHMIDT (annoyed) You idiot! You’re saying poop-erie. It’s pronounced po-

Nick interrupts him by chucking the potpourri bag at Schmidt’s face. NICK There’s too much of this here. You can’t even smell all the cat food in the kitchen. Jess, Schmidt and Nick all look towards the kitchen where it is brought to everyone’s attention that Winston is in there. The kitchen island is covered in a variety of different cat foods.

WINSTON What? JESS How long have you been there? WINSTON (shrugs) Probably like 45 minutes.

SCHMIDT God, Winston. You could’ve said something. WINSTON Nope. Too busy.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 21.

Winston scoops a spoonful of cat food into a small bowl and puts it on the ground then begins to search around the cat food tins.

WINSTON (flustered and quick) You see... I need Ferguson to like me. Which means I need to make Ferguson happy. And what makes me happy? Food. So I figured I should try to give Ferguson his favorite food. But you see, the problem is I dont know his favorite food. I dont know anything about this cat..

He pauses and points to them. Don’t worry about that though. I’m trying to get to know him. (beat) But anyways, I went to the store and tried to guess his favorite food. But there’s so many options. Did you know they have vegan cat food? Didn’t know cats could choose to be vegan, did you? JESS Um.. Well actually, no, they can’t. WINSTON What? JESS Cats are obligate carnivores. They actually need to eat meat to survive. If they don’t, they can go blind. (beat) (quietly) Or die.. Winston yells loudly and throws down the cat food tin he is holding. WINSTON You’re kidding! No way the damn thing hates me. I’m a murderer.

JESS Ok, No...calm down. You’re not a murderer. The cat is fine. But are you? I think this might be getting a little out of hand, don’t you think?

Schmidt and Nick agree with Jess. They nod as they tell Winston to relax. Winston goes to open another small tin of Non-vegan cat food.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 22.

WINSTON Ferguson! Ferguson! He cuts his finger on the metal lid of the cat food. He drops it and he yells in pain as it falls onto the counter.

WINSTON UGH. Nothing goes right for me. Winston gets visibly upset. It is obvious this triggered his hurt feelings about Daisy and that these emotions are due to bigger problems than cutting his finger. Jess, Nick and Schmidt flinch and Jess stands up. JESS I’ll go get the rubbing alcohol.

NICK Screw that. I’ll get the real alcohol.

INT. NICK, WINSTON, JESS AND SCHMIDT’S APARTMENT. THE FOLLOWING DAY. Jess and Schmidt enter the apartment and stop in their tracks. Jess gasps and Schmidt squeals like a girl. NICK Welcome home! Nick sits on the couch in between two homeless men. There are a few other homeless men and a few grocery carts of their things throughout the living room. Nick is not bothered by it and looks pleased with himself. Jess and Schmidt take in the situation and are silent with disbelief. JESS (quietly, nervously) Uh... Nick... what’s going on?

NICK (non-chalantly) What do you mean? Nick stretches out and places his feet on the coffee table and his arms behind his head. He tries to show them how comfortable and content he is with his situation. SCHMIDT (clearly annoyed) Don’t what do you mean me! You know exactly what -

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 23.

Jess puts her arm out across his chest to stop him. She is a little freaked out by the homeless people and does not want to offend anyone. JESS He just means who are .. (beat) these people? Winston walks out of his room and goes and sits on one end of the couch, moping. He is completely oblivious to the situation.

WINSTON (whining) Ferguson... please... NICK (gesturing to the room) These people? You mean my friends? SCHMIDT They are not your friends. (angry) They are homeless people, Nick!

NICK (defensively) Hey don’t talk about my friends like that!

Nick stands up from the couch in a defensive way. NICK At least they’re MEN. SCHMIDT What are you even saying?! This is completely insane, even for you! Schmidt points to Nick and Nick gasps. Jess stands there awkwardly and quietly and politely smiles and waves at any of the homeless people who look at her. She is clearly uncomfortable and a bit scared. SCHMIDT You don’t even know these people! Where did you even find them?!

Nick crosses his arms. NICK (defiantly) Outside. (beat) (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 24.

NICK (cont’d) It’s easy to find real men once you leave this apartment. JESS Nick. Schmidt. My room. No one moves. JESS (louder this time) NOW. Nick and Schmidt angrily walk towards the hallway. SCHMIDT Winston! Watch them!

Jess awkwardly holds up a finger to everyone. JESS (timidly) Could you just excuse us.. for one second... One of the old men makes a loud, strange sound. Jess jumps a little and scurries off to the hallway to meet Nick and Schmidt in her room. She closes and locks the door and stands against it and takes a slow breath with her eyes closed. NICK Oh come on Jess, they’re homeless people not the mafia!

SCHMIDT Hey, you never know! (shaking his head) You should never trust a man with bad hygiene.

He looks at Nick. NICK Hey!

JESS (yelling) Ok guys stop! This has gotten so far out of hand. Nick, you’ve crossed a line.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 25.

SCHMIDT No. This is way beyond a line. Nick drew the line just to take a dump on it then sail away from the line. You know how hard I work to sanitize this apartment?! Especially after your little germ buffet the other day?! You have taken this too far, my friend, too far!

NICK (mockingly) Too far?! Toooooo far. Too far boo shmar. All that girly stuff is invading the apartment.

SCHMIDT Your hobo buddies are invading the apartment! It looks like a New York City alleyway out there. They could have rabies! Or worse! (whispering) IBS..... NICK (confused) WHAT?!

SCHMIDT (a little louder ) Irritable bowel syndrome.. NICK I know what IBS is Schmidt. But how the hell is that worse than rabies?! SCHMIDT You know how much that scares me with our single toilet and the below par plumbing in this building! Nick and Schmidt begin arguing and yelling at each other. Schmidt insists that the homeless people need to leave immediately. Nick insists that the potpourri, which he is still pronouncing wrong, and other girly decorations in the living room have to go as well. The yelling goes on for a while while Jess tries to get their attention.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 26.

JESS (quietly) Guys... (a little louder) guys... (a little louder) guys... Suddenly, there’s the sound of a loud whistle and Nick and Schmidt jump.

SCHMIDT What the... NICK Seriously Jess?! A whistle?!

They turn their attention to Jess who has a whistle in her mouth and her hands over her ears. Jess uncovers her ears and drops the whistle when she notices that she has their attention. JESS You guys weren’t listening to me.. and I got this whistle when I was the coach for club banana racket at school. (beat) But no one showed up to tryouts.

NICK What even is that? JESS (stern) Be quiet! Nick looks taken back by Jess being aggressive. JESS Nick, you have been acting insane. What the heck is wrong with you? You’re acting like a child over some silly little flowers? NICK (defensively and very angrily) I am not a child! Don’t say that. Jess is taken back by his anger but after a second she comes to realization. Her eyes get big and she brings her hand up to her mouth.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 27.

JESS (in a comforting tone) Oh Nick.. I remember now. Caroline said that to you when you guys broke up.

SCHMIDT (feeling sad for his friend) God, I feel like a doofus. You were so torn up about that, how could I forget? Bring it in.

NICK (trying to act tough) No, stop. I’m fine. JESS It’s okay Nick. NICK What’s okay? I said I’m fine! SCHMIDT Come to Schmidtty. Schmidt holds out his arms and Nick doesn’t move. After a moment, Schmidt goes to Nick and gives him a big hug. SCHMIDT It was Caroline making you act pyscho. Now, things make sense. JESS Aw guys.

Jess goes and joins the hug. JESS I love you guys. And Nick, you are a man. You’re the manliest man I know. NICK That’s not saying much, Jess. I’ve seen who you hang out with.

They stop hugging and Jess shrugs. NICK But thanks. I’m sorry about everything.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 28.

JESS It’s okay Nick. You remember what I did the last time I got dump- SCHMIDT Hey now, there’s plenty of time for heartbreak memory lane later. Can our apartment stop being a homeless shelter first? Jess and Schmidt look at Nick as he sighs and nods. They follow him back out to the living room. NICK (non-chalantly) Ok guys, wrap it up. We’re done here. Thank you all for coming but my- Schmidt notices one of the homeless men taking a large, decorative stone off of the bookshelf and trying to put it in his shopping cart.

SCHMIDT Hey! Hands off my moonstone! Winston! You were supposed to watch them! The homeless man places it in his cart and scoffs. Winston is sitting on the couch with Ferguson on his lap. He is very happy. WINSTON Don’t talk to me. The cat likes me. Oh my god.. SCHMIDT (turning his attention back to the homeless man with his moonstone) That’s my moonstone. It radiates wisdom and beauty. Schmidt stops and looks at the homeless man up and down with a gross look on his face.

SCHMIDT You know what... you can have it. The homeless man pushes his cart past Schmidt and growls at him. Schmidt jumps back and hits the bookshelf.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 29.

NICK Alright guys! It’s time to go! Nick, Jess and Winston begin to usher the homeless people out of the apartment. The last homeless person leaves and Winston shuts the front door. Jess stands next to him and turns to look at Nick who is leaning over a bowl of potpourri. NICK Honestly, (beat) not that bad.

Jess gives him a heartfelt smile and he smiles back at her. He turns to head to the kitchen and stops. NICK What the hell is that?!

Everyone turns to look at a very large, complex cat mansion before turning their attention back to Winston. WINSTON Oh. Uh. Yeah. I’ll get rid of that.

THE END.