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Empathy and Compassion (Online Advice)

By Michele Borba

Forty-two ways to raise an empathetic child https://www.parenttoolkit.com/social-and-emotional- development/news/social-awareness/42-simple-ways-to-raise-an-empathetic-kid

Empathy is the ability to identify with and feel for another person. It’s the powerful quality that halts violent and cruel behavior and urges us to treat others kindly. Empathy emerges naturally and quite early, which means our children are born with a huge built-in advantage for success and . But although children are born with the capacity for empathy, it must be nurtured and takes commitment and relentless, deliberate action every day and can’t be left to chance. Here are 42 simple ways to help us raise empathetic children despite a plugged-in, me-centered culture. These ideas are from my latest book, UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All- About Me World (Touchstone, June 2016), which is chock-full of research-based, proven strategies to boost empathy and teaches the nine essential habits of empathy (Emotional , Moral Identity, Perspective Taking, Moral Imagination, Self-Regulation, Practicing , Collaboration, Moral and Altruistic leadership). None cost a dime or take a Ph.D. to implement, but using them will help us raise what we all for: good people with strong minds and caring hearts.

1. Talk . Kids need an vocabulary to discuss feelings and guidance to become emotionally literate. Point out feelings in films, books, or people and use emotion words . 2. Be an emotion coach. Find natural moments to connect face-to-face, listen, and validate your child’s feelings while boosting emotional literacy (“You look happy. You seem sad.”) 3. Share kind deeds. Let’s not assume kids know how to show others they care. Tune them up! “That girl looks like she could use a hug.” “I bet that boy someone asks him to play.” 4. Make teamwork and caring a priority. Insist that they consider others, even when it inconveniences them. 5. Teach: “Always look at the color of the talker’s eyes.” Kids must learn to read people’s face to face, so enforce the “color of the talker’s eye” rule to help them use eye contact, and pick up https://myemail.constantcontact.com/Empathy-and-Compassion-Advice-Found-Online.html?aid=a7eNVZ5MFLE&soid=1101331473841 1/7 2/26/2020 Empathy and Compassion Advice Found Online facial expressions, voice tone and emotional cues. 6. Make kindness matter . Instead of, “I want you to be happy.” Stress, “I want you to be kind.” 7. Use “Feels + Needs” formula. Draw attention to people’s feelings, and then ask your child to guess what the person might feel or need in order to change his mood or be comforted. 8. Start kid book clubs. It’s a fun way for parents to connect with their kids and they with peers while boosting empathy and a of . Try: The Mother-Daughter Book Club. 9. Point out the impact of uncaring . When you see lack of caring or unkindness, don’t be afraid to lay down the law and say ‘Not in this family.’ 10. Use the “2 Kind Rule.” Get kids in the habit of being kind. “Everyday you leave this house I expect you to say or do at least two kind things to someone else.” 11. Develop a caring mindset. Help your child see himself as kindhearted by praising the times he is. 12. Use nouns, not verbs. Using the noun ‘helper’ may motivate children to help more. So if you want your child to see himself as a caring person, highlight times he is a helper. Or ways he could be more of a helper. 13. Focus on character. Praising kids’ character helps them internalize altruism as part of their identities. So use labels that stress your child’s kind-heartedness. “You’re the kind of person who likes to help others.” Or “You’re a considerate person.” 14. Model kindness. Want a caring child? Model the behaviors you want your child to adopt. 15. Do five kind acts a day. One study found that kids who did five kind acts in one day (like a thank-you to a teacher, doing someone’s chores, working at a shelter) - instead of spreading their acts over a week – gained the biggest happiness boost at the end of a six-week study period. So encourage kids to get on a kindness brigade. 16. Make kindness a regular happening . Set an empty box by your door for kids to put gently used toys, books, and games. When filled, deliver it together to a shelter or less-fortunate family. 17. Get kids to reflect on kindness. Instead of always asking, “What did you learn today?” Try: “What’s something kind you did? Or “What’s something nice that someone did for you?” 18. Imagine how the person feels . To help your child identify with the feelings of others, have him imagine how the other person feels about a specific circumstance. 19. Share good news. Cut out news stories about kids who are doing caring deeds and share them with your child and friends to inspire their hearts to do the same. 20. Stress the impact. Help kids see how caring might make others feel. “How do you think Grandma will feel when she gets your card?” “Make your face look like Sally’s when she opens your gift. You’re right, she’ll be so happy.” 21. Make kindness a routine. Kindness is strengthened by seeing, hearing and practicing kindness. So find simple ways to tune it up and weave it into daily routines. 22. Reduce your MEs and increase your WEs. For instance: What should we do?” “Which would be better for us ?” “Let’s take a ‘ We’ vote, to do what we choose.” 23. Halt the “parading.” Praise when deserved, but focus on your child’s “inside-out” qualities: their kindness, respect, courage so she sees herself as a caring person. 24. Make sure at least half your questions are about your child’s friends. You’ll teach your child to think about the world in a different way—that it’s not all about her. 25. Create a “save, spend, give” system. Make allowances come with the caveat that kids give a predetermined small portion to the charity of their choice as well as saving a portion. 26. Make service a family affair. Provide opportunities for your child to experience giving to others in your community. https://myemail.constantcontact.com/Empathy-and-Compassion-Advice-Found-Online.html?aid=a7eNVZ5MFLE&soid=1101331473841 2/7 2/26/2020 Empathy and Compassion Advice Found Online 27. Help your child create a “caring code.” Talk to your child often about the kind of person he wants to become, how he wants to make others feel, and what he stands for. 28. Urge kids to serve. Encourage your kids and friends to start a “Care About Others Club” in their neighborhood, school, scout troop, group, or community organization. 29. Give back frequently. Don’t assume that a one time visit to the food bank will open your kids’ heart. Empathy is more likely to be expanded with frequent face-to-face visits. 30. Teach copers. Self-regulation helps keep empathy open so teach your child to use deep, slow breaths (“exhale twice as long as you inhale”) to reduce stress and manage strong emotions at the first sign of stress. 31. Switch sides . Sibling battle or friendship tiff? Ask conflicting parties involved to “reverse sides” and tell you what happened, but from the other’s side to stretch perspective taking. 32. Be “ detectives.” Encourage kids to “investigate” how other people might be feeling. “Listen to the boy’s voice. How do you think he feels?” “Look how that girl has her fists so tight. See the scowl on her face? What do you think she’s saying to the other girl?” 33. Choose a summer camp that stresses fun. A diverse mix of campers doesn’t hurt either! 34. Set regular “unplugged” times. Empathy is learned face to face. Reclaim conversation! 35. Hold family movie nights. Films can be portals to help our children understand other worlds and other views, to be more open to differences and cultivate new perspectives. 36. Insist that kids read! Not only does reading literary fiction ( Charlotte’s Web, Wednesday , ) boost kids academic performance, but it also boosts empathy. 37. Find ways to gain a new view. Depending on your child’s age you might visit a nursing home, homeless shelter, animal shelter, or soup kitchen. The more kids experiences different perspectives, the more likely they can empathize with others whose needs and views differ from theirs. 38. Ask, “How would you feel?” Post questions to help your child think about how she would feel if someone had done the same behavior to her. “Lucas, how would you feel if Aaron yelled out that you can’t hit?” “How would you feel if someone said that to you?” 39. Use real events. The newspaper or television news is rich with possibilities to stretch kids’ empathy. “The fire destroyed their homes. What do you think those kids are feeling and thinking? What can we do to let them know we care?” 40. Capture caring moments. Make sure to display prominently photos of your kids engaged in kind and thoughtful endeavors so they recognize that “caring matters.” 41. Use “earshot praise.” Let your kids overhear (without them thinking they’re supposed to) you describing those qualities to others. “I’m so proud of how kind my child is because…” 42. Make a kindness jar. Each time a parent or child sees another family member act in a kind way, they add a penny, small stone or plastic bead to a large plastic jar. Review the kind acts daily, and if you’re using money, when the jar is full donate the money to a charity of your family’s choice.

Ways to Raise a Compassionate Child

https://www.parents.com/kids/development/social/raise-a-compassionate-child/

By Elizabeth Foy Larsen

https://myemail.constantcontact.com/Empathy-and-Compassion-Advice-Found-Online.html?aid=a7eNVZ5MFLE&soid=1101331473841 3/7 2/26/2020 Empathy and Compassion Advice Found Online Want a child who really, truly cares about others, both in person and over the internet? Follow this advice on raising compassionate children from experts and parents. Supper was not going well for 2-year-old Benjamin. As his escalated to the brink of a full-on tantrum, his 4-year-old sister, Ellie, assessed the scene. "He's angry," she told her mother, Susan Rivers, of Newton, Massachusetts. "What can we do to make him happy?" With her mom's help, Ellie brainstormed a few options: They could offer Benjamin a cookie, or maybe playing with Legos would bring him out of his spiral. "She was really trying to understand his feelings and figure out what strategies she could use to reduce his and cheer him up," Rivers says. Ellie's concern for her brother is touching, to be sure. But it could also be the key to her having a more joyful life. Empathy—the ability to understand and be sensitive to other people's feelings—helps us to be more deeply attached to our family, friends, and even strangers. "Empathy is probably the greatest single gift of our species," says Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D., a senior fellow at the Child Trauma Academy in Houston, and the coauthor of Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential—and Endangered. "We wouldn't have been able to survive without creating relationships and groups that could function together." Putting yourself in someone else's shoes is also a crucial building block for other caring emotions. "It's how we develop , hope, and compassion, which is the ability to act on your empathy," explains Christine Carter, Ph.D., a sociologist and happiness expert at the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. One study there found that kids as young as 18 months could master a key component of empathy: the ability to tune in to people's emotions. By age 4, they move beyond making physical caring gestures and start to think about others' feelings in relation to their own. Many of these responses happen naturally, but you can make a more conscious effort to promote empathy-boosting experiences for your children. Consider these 13 things you can do to raise a truly caring child.

1. Be Understanding Your son notices if you are rude to your server when she brings you the wrong order. That's why San Francisco mom Kat Eden tries to be understanding when others make mistakes. Eden follows up with her sons, ages 5 and 7, with statements and questions such as, "I wonder how the waitress was feeling when she gave me the wrong meal" and "How do you think it would feel to be that busy at your job?"

2. Teach the Importance of Tone Even adults struggle with understanding that tone and intention don't always come through on a screen, write Evie Granville and Sarah Davis, creators of the website and podcast Modern Manners for Moms and Dads. "It's so important to help children understand from an early age that when we're chatting online, our friend can't see our face or hear our voice," advise Granville and Davis. "It's easy for someone to end up with hurt feelings when a conversation best had in person instead takes place in a text."

3. Prioritize In-Person Conversation "Texting is convenient, but relationships can't be built or sustained on texting alone," write Granville and Davis of Modern Manners for Moms and Dads. They recommend teaching kids that e lectronic communication isn't meant to take the place of verbal or in-person communication, but is instead a tool best used to make plans, extend an in-person conversation from the school day, or ask a quick homework question. Likewise, "if you wouldn't say it in person, don't say it through a screen," advise the Modern Manners moms. "Parents need to repeatedly remind children that their online actions have real-world consequences." https://myemail.constantcontact.com/Empathy-and-Compassion-Advice-Found-Online.html?aid=a7eNVZ5MFLE&soid=1101331473841 4/7 2/26/2020 Empathy and Compassion Advice Found Online

4. Write Genuine Thank-You Notes Eden also helps her kids move beyond the standard "Thank you for the Polly Pocket" boilerplate by asking questions such as, "What would it be like if you spent a lot of time choosing a great gift for a friend and she didn't thank you?" and "How do you think Timmy will feel when he gets his very own letter in the mail?" Don't insist that your child pen the note herself—if she's young enough that merely thinking about what to say is a huge task, write it for her and let her sign it.

5. Be Consistent If you tell your daughter to be mindful that her words have an impact on others' feelings but then you turn around and lay into your husband for some minor misstep, you're sending her confusing messages, says Robin Stern, Ph.D., associate director for the Yale Center for and author of the Gaslight Effect. So apologize to your husband in front of your daughter. Then say something like, "I was feeling really sad that Daddy had to work tonight, and I took it out on him. I'm sorry I acted mean."

6. Boost Her "Feelings Vocabulary Spend a few minutes each day pointing out different expressions and giving them a name—happy, sad, mad, angry. You can ask your preschooler to help make "feelings flash cards" by cutting out pictures of faces from magazines and gluing them to index cards. As your child gets older, the emotions can get more nuanced—surprise, , , irritation—and you can add body language to the facial gestures. When you read books together, encourage your child to name the emotions of the different characters.

7. Praise Each Other Daily Use mealtime as an opportunity for emotional reflection. "Try to resist fighting about food so you can focus on simply being together," says Dr. Perry. That's what the Cleveland family, of Minneapolis, does. They start their dinners by having each person, including their sons, ages 10 and 12, offer one compliment and one thank-you. "Some nights it's as simple as the fact that we're having hamburgers, but they appreciate the effort I took to make them. It's a nice way to connect," says Anne, the boys' mother.

8. Recognize Kindness When you watch your daughter offering a playmate some apple slices, call attention to it by saying, "That was very kind of you to give her a few when you didn't have very many." Then add something like, "I'll bet she was a little envious that you brought a snack to the park when she didn't. How do you think it made your friend feel when you shared with her?"

9. But Don't Overdo It Sure, it's great that your son can thank the convenience-store clerk. But lavishing praise on him for fairly ordinary tasks won't make him more empathetic. "Overpraising is a distraction," says Polly Young- Eisendrath, Ph.D., author of The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance. "When kids expect praise for very small accomplishments, it actually gets in the way of their thinking about other people's needs."

https://myemail.constantcontact.com/Empathy-and-Compassion-Advice-Found-Online.html?aid=a7eNVZ5MFLE&soid=1101331473841 5/7 2/26/2020 Empathy and Compassion Advice Found Online 10. Address Your Child's Needs If it's the middle of the afternoon and your toddler is melting down, Dr. Carter suggests you say something like, "You probably need a nap. I get grouchy when I'm tired too. Let's go home and lie down." This shows in a warm and loving way that you understand and respect how she's feeling.

11. Promote Emotional Literacy A growing number of schools have programs that teach social and emotional skills. Exploring a topic on an emotional level lets children get more involved in a subject—and, therefore, remember what they are taught, says , Ph.D., founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. So when kids learn about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination, they also spend time talking about how his wife, Coretta Scott King, felt on that awful day and how they would have felt if they were Dr. King's widow. If your child's school doesn't offer a social and emotional learning program, approach your PTA about asking the school board for one.

12. Volunteer You may that introducing kids to life's harsher realities will be too upsetting. But the reverse is actually true, says Dr. Carter. "Ironically, when you expose children to the of others, they end up feeling grateful for what they have and proud of being able to help someone. "Every Christmas Eve since her three children (ages 5, 8, and 10) were born, Heidi King and her husband have taken the kids to volunteer at a homeless shelter near their house in Tallahassee, Florida. "We teach them that they have been blessed and that it is their responsibility to help others," says King. "And I want them to see this as a responsibility—not an option. My 8-year-old, upon learning that a lunchroom lady's house had burned, took her piggy bank to school without telling me and donated the entire contents—more than $100. She thought they could use it to buy food."

13. Celebrate Difference Look for opportunities to have conversations about tolerance and respect. When Alexis Scocozza's children were toddlers and preschoolers, she would take them with her to the school where she taught kids with serious medical issues. "They would see children with feeding tubes, who are blind, or who can't walk," says Scocozza, of New Fairfield, Connecticut. "If you don't give kids the tools to be comfortable around children with special needs, all of a sudden they're 10 years old and don't know how to handle it when they encounter someone who's different." Her approach has certainly worked. Last year, when her daughter, Maya, was in fifth grade, she mentioned that she'd won an extra pass to play Wii at recess. Turns out that she'd volunteered to partner with two other classmates who hadn't been chosen for a group during gym. "I told her how thoughtful that was, but to her it was just normal and the right thing to do."

Trust in Education 925.299.2010 www.TrustinEducation.org

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