Alt-Health: Pandora’s Paradise

The legalization of cannabis is nearly upon us and it is a move that I both applaud and dread. If we lived in a perfect world, with people who respected the properties and consequences of inebriates and used them to enhance life rather than replace it, there would be no contest. However, we don’t — so let’s look at the facts.

First, the plus side. I have no idea why every state has not already made medical marijuana legal. There is enough clinical evidence to show that cannabis is highly effective in the treatment of many conditions, and in chronic illness its health benefits in ratio to harmful side effects make it a far less damaging choice for long-term use than pharmaceuticals. Medical marijuana research has also refined its properties to a science. It is now known that the non-psychoactive cannabinoids found in marijuana have medical properties as well as the THC components known to produce a high, making it possible to treat conditions with fewer of the mind-altering effects associated with pot. Medically regulated facilities dispense a product that has been reliably graded for every constituent.

When it comes to recreational use of pot, there are advantages as well. Let’s be honest — people are always going to use recreational drugs, whatever the legalities. In a field that includes alcohol, crack, OxyContin and heroin, pot is by far the lesser of the existing evils. People who over-indulge or mix pot with drugs and alcohol are capable of causing damage both to themselves and to others, but no one has ever died from an overdose of the drug itself.

However, I cringe when I think of the Pandora’s box that could be opened when marijuana becomes generally legal. Why? Because responsible use is one thing, but people are greedy idiots. Just as it did with cigarettes, Big Business is going to shove marketing campaigns and enticing new products down our throats in order to make as much money as possible with no thought to the consequences. And their greatest victims will be teens.

Teens have tuned out warnings about marijuana because the nay-sayers are usually fundamentalist adults who rant that pot is a “gateway drug” that inevitably leads to ruin and damnation. Since this is patently absurd, it’s easy to ignore the dangers, but they are real. Chronic pot use among adolescents is far different than with adults. Teens are at a phase in life where they are developing the coping skills that will serve them into adulthood. When the world is enveloped in a pleasant fog, you neatly avoid the uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking feelings that a more direct look induces. You never learn to cope with unpleasantries. As a result, teens who smoke pot on a daily basis are 60% less likely to get a high school diploma or university degree and seven times more likely to attempt suicide in early adulthood. Getting stoned with your buds on occasion is one thing, pretty much everyone does it. But habitual daily use of pot before the age of 17 can handicap you for life.

So, I have a parting message to those who are still chronologically young: Don’t be an idiot. All of those people who you are hanging out with and want to fit in with will be gone by the time you hit your 30s, but you will still be stuck with the choices you made. Be responsible with marijuana. It’s a powerful drug. It has the potential to do both great good and great harm. The choice is entirely up to you. Medical Marijuana Patients Concerned About Senate Bill 791

We talked to The Rhode Island Patient Assistance Coalitions’ JoAnne Leppanen about a proposed bill in the Senate that has a lot of caregivers and medical marijuana patients concerned. She not only shared their concerns, but gave us a quick history of medical marijuana in RI.

“The original legalization of medical marijuana was really an act of compassion on the part of the legislature,” says Leppanen. Yes, recreational users were getting arrested – but so were patients for whom the drug provided a sometimes life-altering treatment option. “It was a big deal in 2006, when it became legal for licensed patients to use marijuana,” she explains. There was an awkward period during which use was legal, but selling or purchasing was not. “Where were they supposed to get it?” asks Leppanen, pointing out that not everyone has the skills to grow their own.

So the legislature decided to allow caregivers – people who could grow for a small number of patients. These caregivers are licensed, over 21, without criminal records, and act only with the consent of their patients. As described by Leppanen, these caregivers are usually drawn to the opportunity to alleviate suffering, and are especially valued by patients whose conditions may make it hard for them to travel, communicate or take on jobs with health insurance.

“We have some phenomenal caregivers who really help their patients,” she says, describing caregivers who pursue much smaller margins – or no margins – to help patients in particularly challenging situations.

These caregivers would all be made immediately illegal if Senate Bill 791 were to pass. This bill proposes that only licensed growers would be allowed to grow cannabis. Before you say, “that could make sense,” the bill further suggests that there be only two licensed growers in the state, and that they could only sell to licensed compassion centers (currently three in RI). These two growers would apply for state licenses – but why only two, and why it seems a good idea to grant these two what amounts to a state-approved monopoly is unclear. Could it be to position them for a future, post- legalization market?

Leppanen declines to speculate – especially when it comes to any discussion of legalization. “We’re about the medical care and supporting those whose medical conditions are effectively treated by cannabis,” she says. “This bill would undermine the most basic tenet, the primary intent of the medical marijuana program. The compassion centers are great – there’s definitely a crucial role that they fill – but many of the patients who greatly need medical marijuana are on SSDI or disabled. Their income is limited, and there is no third-party reimbursement for medical marijuana. A compassion center has overhead and employees – it has to run like a business. It can’t provide the same attention, the same prices, the same access for those who can’t get to centers, and the same room for individual grace that caregivers can. Caregivers are the unsung heroes of the medical marijuana movement,” she explains. And this bill would end them. “So … why, exactly, do we need this,” she asks, “and who would it help?”

The bill has not passed the Senate Judicial Committee and has no corresponding bill in the House – two steps that would be necessary before the legislature could vote on it. But there seems to be some heavy lobbying support behind it, and a cadre of senators backing it.

You can learn more at ripatients.org, where they include links to the proposed statute itself.

Phillipe and Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Traffic Snarls, Political Fools and Art Makes Everything Better

Newport Nightmares

Ah, Newport. Sailing Capital of the World. City by the Sea. Rhode Island’s #1 tourist attraction. And seemingly determined by state and local pols and planners to make a visit there as unpleasant as possible.

P&J refer to the ill-conceived need for a median strip on the Newport Bridge, an overreaction of the first order. The bridge has been reduced to one lane in both directions as of April 6, and the eastbound lanes’ EZ Pass lane was closed, which has resulted, by the RI Turnpike and Bridge Authority’s own calculations, to warrant an hour’s delay in the morning and evening commutes. Some fun, eh kiddies? P&J have seen this backup firsthand, and have considered doing roadside gun stands at both ends of the bridge for those drivers who want to buy a Glock or Sig Sauer and simply put a bullet in their heads as they try to get to work before noon, or home before “Jeopardy” ends. (And if you want to see a real car bomb go off, if there are still lane restrictions on May 5, the day festivities for the Volvo ocean sailing race begin, which Newport officials have humped harder as an attraction than Disney does Orlando or Walter White did crystal meth, expect fireworks galore.)

RITBA officials claim all this work will be done by May 1. Why not? Who has ever heard of a major construction project in Little Rhody going over its projected deadline or costing more than anticipated? (Take a bow, former governor Ed “Gerber Baby” DiPrete, whose state contract to build the new Jamestown Bridge not only ran over time-wise and cost-wise, but didn’t have a clause saying that the contractors would pay for lateness, and instead left the great unwashed of Vo Dilun on the hook for the massive cost overruns. Full gainer into that Dumpster, Gerb.) So keep bringing those Indonesian pee bottles with you folks, and don’t expect to get across the Bay in less than 60 minutes.

Worse is all the construction roadwork being done on Broadway in Newport, which for many is the only way into town unless you know the back routes — and even some Newporters don’t. The town planners did this to Washington Square businesses two years ago at the height of the tourism season. P&J pointed out that restaurant owners such as Biggie Korn at Yesterday’s would have been acquitted of murder of town officials on grounds of justifiable homicide as people avoided the downtown eating establishments as if they were selling Ebola on a bun at food carts.

P&J suspect it is only fitting that the “Scenic Newport” exit off the Newport Bridge empties onto yet another one-lane road named Farewell St, which fittingly runs between two cemeteries. (Geddit?) Stack the empty coffins by the gates, folks, we’re sure they will be quickly accommodated if all these construction woes continue.

Monster Raving Loonies

The race is on. US Senator Ted Cruz announced his bid to become the Republican Party’s presidential candidate in 2016, and we can bet Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann and Donald Trump feel upstaged. But it was nice to know Mitt Romney has tacitly acknowledged his insanity by offering to have an exhibition boxing match with former heavyweight champ Evander Holyfield. (“Just don’t muss up my hair, Evander.”)

Back in the 1960s, a titled and barking mad aspiring politician in England who called himself Screaming Lord Sutch, who put out unlistenable albums at his own expense and drove a Rolls Royce painted like the Union Jack, ran for office under his own Monster Raving Loony Party banner. Well, I am sure the Republicans can counter the emergent Tea Party with another allied wing called the GOP Monster Raving Loony Party, which Screaming Lord Sutch would appreciate to no end. And leading that parade will undoubtedly be Sen Cruz.

Cruz’s campaign may be the best thing that could happen to the Democratic Party and Queen Hillary. As he plays to an audience of evangelical “Christians,” like he did in his announcement at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University – who’s for grape Kool-Aid, kids? – he is bound to bring out the worst in all of the GOP future contenders during future public appearances and debates. If other potential candidates like the desperate and dim Jeb Bush, Miami Marco Rubio or schoolboy manqué Scott Walker find out they need to grab the ultra-conservative votes to have a chance of winning, they may quickly find God in the worst of ways, all caught on videotape before they have to “walk back” their comments. And the conservative bloc will be important, as none of them are getting the black, Latino or even women’s votes.

“God’s blessing has been on America from the very beginning of this nation, and I believe God isn’t done with Americans,” Cruz said. Well, we are glad to know The Big Sir found time from his global work to specially bless us back in the 1700s. But given this country’s recent behavior, and God botherers like Dubya Bush and now Cruz invoking his name and their direct connection to Him without express written consent of the NFL, maybe we better hope God is done with Americans, or at least looks the other way rather than sending America swarms of locusts or rivers of blood and telling us to keep him out of the discussion.

But Wait, There’s More

Only a week-plus after Cruz declared, self-ordained ophthalmologist Rand Paul threw his tousled toupee into the ring to the sustained applause of no one.

Little Randy urged voters to “take our country back,” when most people didn’t know it had been missing. Must have been smuggled out in a suitcase or shipped to Indiana Governor Mike Pence’s house, where he is hiding it from the eyes of all those faggots and dykes who want to disrupt Hoosier Heaven. (Note: After seeing the smarmy, lying phony Pence on TV, with his “boys regular” haircut promoting the “Freedom of Religion” act (honk!) his state passed, we can only conclude that Indiana is the only state where livestock animals are allowed to vote.)

In fact, our country has been taken by Randy Paul and his political pals in Washington, DC. They have corrupted the democratic process, they lie and steal at a rate that would make Vladimir Putin blush, and care nothing about the general public. So start taking it back from your buddies, Sen. Paul, a loathsome, lying and libertarian phony. Who has let these a-holes command even a minute of our attention? (And the media, who P&J will gladly buy a drink to wash the taste of the candidates’ nether units out of their mouths – see: Clinton, Bill.) Only 16 more months of this assault on your sense of decency to go. Whee! Buckle up, campers.

STOP THE PRESSES: As P&J go to print, we first learn via Scott MacKay’s blog at Rhode Island Public Radio that former guv Linc Chafee is giving thoughts to a run to be the Democratic party’s presidential candidate in 2016, having formed an exploratory committee. This is kind of like having a colonoscopy just for the fun of it, as far as we read Linc’s chances. But if this is a sign of the future, P&J hope there is a space in the presidential candidate’s parking lot (behind the DC K-Mart – not unlike K Street, but with employees with more ethics at the retailer) for the Dems’ clown car right next to the one driven by Ted Cruz and Rand Paul. Keep the delusions coming.

Rhode Island Music Hall of Fame Inductions

The RIMHOF is only in its fourth year, but has grown in leaps and bounds to be what the Providence Journal has described as “Rhode Island’s most fascinating museum” (Providence Journal, May 24, 2014). There are two events this year and they are right around the corner. First, on Mon, April 20 at Bovi’s Tavern on Taunton Ave at 7pm, this year’s jazz inductees, George Masso, Duke Belaire and Bob Petteruti will be honored on stage before the regular Monday night performance by the John Allmark Orchestra (John took over for honoree Duke Belaire whose big band held court on Monday nights for decades at Bovi’s). The other induction ceremony and concert is on Sun, April 26 at the Hall in Pawtucket’s Hope Artiste Village and next door at The Met. It’s an all-day affair starting at 2pm.

At the Hall will be the unveiling of the exhibits on this year’s inductees followed by the inductions and performances by many of the inductees themselves. At The Met will be a posthumous salute to Nelson Eddy, along with inductions of non-performer Richard “Paco” Zimmer, a legendary tour manager for major bands and the prime creator of one of Rhode Island’s greatest nightclubs, the Center Stage in East Providence. George Wein, founder of the Newport Jazz and Fok Festivals, is also a member of the 2015 class. He unfortunately will not be able to make the ceremonies, but promises to be in RI in the summer where a presentation to him will be made.

As for the performers/musicians, this year we will induct classic ’60s “garage bands” (garage bands with hit records), The Others, The Ascots and George “Georgie Porgie” Leonard. Brenda Bennett, who cut her teeth with the Tombstone Blues Band in the 1960s and continued as a member of Vanity 6 and Apollonia 6 (who worked with Prince) will be inducted in a new “sidemen” category as the Martys, i.e., bassist, Marty Ballou and drummer, Marty Richards, two the of the busiest sidemen in the business who have worked with jazz, blues and rock acts from the Gary Burton to Joe Perry to John Hammond to Peter Wolf, Roomful of Blues and too many to mention here.

And finally, one of RI’s most popular bands, The Schemers (who morphed into the Raindogs, who will also be honored) and the primary singer/songwriter with these bands, Mark Cutler, will be inducted. All of these bands and musicians will perform sets at the induction ceremony and, for those who care about RI music, this is a “must.” (Disclosure: Jorge, aka Rudy Cheeks, is on the RIMHOF board of directors).

HMS Gaspee

Most Vo Dilanduhs have heard of the Gaspee and its importance in American history (the ship burned in Pawtuxet Cover by angry patriots years before the Boston Tea Party). But to get a fuller view of the whole story — its relation to the slave trade, for instance — see the 51-minute documentary film, Aaron Briggs and the HMS Gaspee by Andrew Stewart, a young Rhode Islander who spent years putting this whole thing together. It is now available through Amazon Instant Video and we highly recommend it.

Phillipe and Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Hernandez, Concrete Projo and Arc Iris

A Small Favor

This request will doubtless set the bad taste bell a-ringin’, but Phillipe and Jorge are at their wits’ end.

Would a local blond, white, teenage girl please manage to get abducted or at the least, go missing? P&J figure this is about the only thing that will get the clapped-out, mind-numbing coverage of the Aaron Hernandez trial out of the first three news stories EVERY DAY. Enough is enough, and this courtroom faux drama passed “enough” about eight months ago. The only people who seem interested in it are the media, but this dog don’t hunt anymore for the general public.

While Hernandez is always referred to as the “former star NE Patriots tight end,” the Pats managed to win a Super Bowl without him, thank you very much. And guilty or innocent in court, the verdict has already been reached that Hernandez is a violent, stupid thug. So what’s the fascination now, except for train wreck aficionados?

Even though the recent crash of the German airliner in the Alps caused by a mentally ill co-pilot took the lead-off spot for a few days with Hernandez reduced to second or third lead, it has no legs, since it took place in Europe and mostly furriners died. What we need is the surefire bet of that blond teen (preferably cute as a button and described by friends as “lighting up the room” every time she entered one) vanishing without a trace, which will take immediate precedence over any other story, and for weeks attract the media tragedy porn reporters. Please, do this small favor for P&J. Thanks.

RIP, Concrete Charlie

Growing up outside Philadelphia, Phillipe’s # 1 sports idol was the Philadelphia Eagles’ Chuck Bednarik (sorry, Richie Ashburn and Wilt the Stilt), who died last week. He is in the NFL Hall of Fame, deservedly so, and was the last of the two-way players, turning out at center and middle linebacker.

Bednarik was known as Concrete Charlie, supposedly because he once had a job loading bags of concrete. But as arguably the toughest guy in football when he played, the concrete analogy works one way or the other. The fact that he also flew 30 combat missions as a gunner in World War II didn’t hurt the hardass image either.

Phillipe also had a personal connection with Bednarik. When Chuck came home after the war, he went to college at Penn, and while there worked with P.’s father at Foremost Dairy. So to a young boy’s mind, he was part of the family.

Bednarik is probably best remembered from the time in 1960 when he laid a hit on glamor boy Frank Gifford of the arch-rival NY Giants that separated Gifford from both the ball and consciousness. In fact, Gifford sat out the entire next season due to the concussion. Bednarik was criticized for a photo of him pumping his fist over the prostrate Gifford, seemingly gloating he had KO’d him. But Chuck explained after he retired that was not the case, in his typical eloquent style, that he saw a teammate recover Gifford’s fumble and he was shouting, “This game is fucking over!”

But to Phillipe, his favorite Bednarik moment came in the 1960 NFL championship game at Franklin Field in Philly, which P. actually attended. The Eagles beat the Green Bay Packers, 17-13, but not before the Packers were marching down the field looking for the winning touchdown. With just seconds remaining, Concrete Charlie tackled Green Bay’s Jim Taylor at the Eagles nine-yard line. Bednarik lay on top of Taylor, holding him down as the clock ticked away, and told him, “You’re not getting up until this fucking game is over.” The final whistle blew, and P. went home walking on air. Thanks, Chuck.

Beginning of the End?

So, Vo Dilun’s daily newspaper, one of the oldest and most celebrated daily newspapers in the country we like to call “the United States of America,” announced recently that they would double the price of a newsstand copy of the newspaper from $1 to $2. Here in the Biggest Little, a lot of people are wondering if this is the end of the line for a true institution. The building on Fountain Street in downtown that has been the paper’s headquarters for decades now is up for sale. It could very well be that they will now move to Cranston or some other nearby suburb.

As you will recall, it was in June 2014 (less than a year ago) that New York-based New Media Investment Group Inc., the parent company of Gatehouse Media LLC, purchased The Journal for $46 million cash. At that time, Phillipe & Jorge (and many others) openly worried that this would turn out badly. The Belo sale was bad enough (the loss of local ownership to a company that was primarily interested in The Journal‘s television holdings), but the Gatehouse sale was even worse. What they have done to their other newspaper holdings has been to make severe cutbacks that result in worse newspapers. There was no reason to believe that what they would do with the Other Paper would be any different and, sure enough, one of their first moves was to lay off veteran reporters and columnists (Thomas Morgan and Bob Kerr immediately come to mind) who represented both the heart and soul and institutional memory of the paper. Giant red flags.

Is anyone surprised at the latest move from this particular corporate organization? With sales figures flagging, the paper getting smaller, less local reporting and fewer pages, now mostly filled with syndicated copy from sources like the Associated Press, Gatehouse’s “solution” is to double the price of the daily paper. This is not going to work and fewer people will now pick up paper copies of The Providence Journal.

It has become increasingly obvious that the continued trend of large out-of-town conglomerates buying up daily newspapers around the country will result in the end of newspaper template we have come to know. Changing typefaces and fonts has also met with near universal dismay from regular readers of the paper.

So will the last person to leave the building (likely to be Mark Patinkin) please turn out the light.

Music Tip for April

Your superior correspondents ran into a couple of members of the fine RI-based band Arc Iris the other day and want to tell you about the weekly arts and music festival that they will curate at Aurora on Westminster Street on four successive Friday evenings in April. Starting April 3, an eclectic variety of bands and musicians, from The ‘Mericans to Last Good Tooth, Haunt the House, Death Vessel, Andrea Belanger, Allysen Callery and Arc Iris themselves, will be performing with “intermittent performances in the front lounge” as well as the fabulous Big Nazo Lab creatures (who will be there each week).

This is the Zoetical Festival and it is highly recommended. Do yourself a favor and check out some of the more interesting musical acts in the Biggest Little.

Phillipe and Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Gordo Golightly, a Hill of Scandals, and Some Local Talent

Bribes and Bullshit

There are bribes and then there are “contributions,” the latter of which won’t pass the laugh test when you pull them off at a political scale that makes Wall Street investment bankers and brokers whiny.

Disgraced former RI House Speaker Gordon Fox proved himself to be an arrogant, power-broking wannabe piece of crap by taking bribes, committing wire fraud and filing false tax returns. For those transgressions he was convicted and now will spend three years at the government’s pleasure in some yet-unnamed prison, because he was too stupid to cover his tracks. He simply looted his campaign fund to the tune of $108,000 for personal use (P&J loved the part about some of the stolen cash going to purchases at Tiffany’s – was Gordo Golightly dressed up as Audrey Hepburn when he cruised the jewelry cases?) and also took a blatant $52,000 backhander from the owners of the Shark Bar and Grille on Thayer Street to get them a liquor license while on the Providence Board of Licenses. This one’s on us, Gordo.

And let us not even get into what deeper role he played in giving $75 million of a new state economic development loan fund of $125 million to business neophyte Curt “Bloody Sock” Schilling for his absurd 38 Studios company. Yeah, good thinking, Gordo. Certainly don’t want to risk giving a million each to 125 emerging business or start-ups in Little Rhody, right? But when you’re skimming left, right and sideways off the deal, why not spend three-fifths of the loan fund on a rookie for his venture into one of the most volatile industries you can find?

But that just shows how having power can overcome the self-realization that you have become a moron. Only former Gov. Ed DiPrete’s Dumpster-diving at a Walt’s Roast Beef after a paper bag filled with a $10,000 kickback he threw out with his lunch trash could be more in tune with Biggest Little corruption legends.

But for a long time, the media treated Gordon Fox as a glorious God on Smith Hill. The first African- American and gay Speaker of the House, up from the bootstraps of scooping ice cream on North Main, who championed gay marriage in Vo Dilun in the face of adversity. And all the while he was running scams worthy of former Federal Hill wiseguys. Nice work in building Little Rhody’s image, a-hole.

Dead Brokerage

That image of Fox brings us to Hillary Clinton, and how shakedowns should be done. Until recently, she has been ass-kissed and adored by the media as the “presumptive” Democratic candidate for president in 2016.

Forget Benghazi and the emails. Although the latter “scandal,” in which she publicly embarrassed herself at a press conference by saying she used a personal email server for classified and sensitive government correspondence because she didn’t want to carry two phones, was swallowed only by AARP members who are still trying to figure out how to turn on the Blackberrys their children gave them at Christmas.

The story that will dog Ms. Pantsuit until the 2016 presidential election (yeah, she’s gonna be the Dems’ horse in the race no matter what) will be how much money the Bill, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton Foundation (which admittedly does do great work around the world) has and is receiving from big-time political donors and worse, foreign governments. Screw the PACs, we got a foundation. And we are talking millions from such female-friendly places like the United Arab Emirates, Oman and Saudi Arabia, the home of public stonings, women treated like dogs, and in the latter’s case, home of the 9-11 mass murderers. Hey, just make sure that contribution is in US dollars; we don’t want your stinking riyals and dirhams.

While not in the campaign coffers, it certainly keeps Hillary from being “dead broke.” And if you think for a second that those contributions aren’t made with the intent that a possible president will have a good memory of whose money is helping burnish her image, call your doctor for an MRI appointment. (Side note: This is similar to NBC not planning on being first in line for a White House leak if Hill wins after paying Chelsea $300,000 for a year’s journalistic work in which she produced practically nothing newsworthy.)

P&J hope the media keep picking at the Clinton Foundation scab, because the wound will definitely bleed at some point. And if the media won’t do it, we are sure the GOP opposition info offices will, and they may just be holding fire until it will be a bigger bombshell, say in September or October of 2016.

In the long run, P&J’s question is: How bad or obvious did things have to get before the media, or even upright people around both Gordo and Hill, pulled those two charlatans’ masks off in public? Fox was always dodgy, and a creep to boot. Hillary has all the charm of a cobra, is always on the defensive, and may be even oilier than her husband, which deserves some applause, since Bubba’s “I did not have sex with that woman” and “What is ‘is’?” set the bar extremely high in the unctuous and duplicitous categories.

Gordo is already in tears, and no doubt considering which Tiffany accessories he should bring to the can. We can’t imagine Hillary ever crying, unless she intentionally slices an onion into her hankie and holds it under her eyes, but wethinks those “contributions” may contribute to her downfall somewhere down the road.

Dan Von Bargen

There was much sadness in the Vo Dilun theater/acting community when word spread that Dan Von Bargen, the wonderful actor and truly nice man, had passed away in his hometown of Cincinnati on March 1. Dan had been ill and suffering for a few years so the community’s emotions were expressed best by the actor/director Bob Colonna who was quoted by the UPI. “I feel a huge wave of of sorrow and relief at the passing of this remarkable man, Dan Von Bargen. I treasure the years when I worked with him at Trinity Rep and in a couple of TV films. I admire his excellent body of work in the movies. And I mourn for the darkness and pain that were his final years. God bless him. He was a hell of a guy.”

Indeed he was. A beloved member of the extended Trinity Repertory Company, Dan was a mainstay in many stage productions at Trinity. He was probably best known by the general public as “Mr. Kruger,” George Costanza’s boss on Seinfeld. He performed in many films and had a starring role in the little- seen but powerful film Lord of Illusions and a major part in the local cult classic, Jim Wolpaw’s Complex World.

Interestingly enough, Phillipe & Jorge met Dan the day he moved to Providence and wandered into Leo’s, the artists’ watering hole on Chestnut Street, immediately asking Phillipe (who was tending bar there at the time) to tell him all about the city. All who knew Dan loved him for his kind and gentle nature and he was widely admired for his great talent. We will miss this special man. Sarah Steps Up

While your superior correspondents rarely watch the music competition shows on television, we are all abuzz about Sarah Potenza’s performances on “The Voice.” If the name “Potenza” rings a bell, that’s because it comes from one of the Biggest Little’s premier musical clans (Frank Potenza is a top flight jazz guitarist who has been based on the West Coast for some time now and, of course, Joe Potenza is one of the busiest bass players around). We gave a shout to Joe to find out what the family relation was and he told us that Sarah was his cousin Bob’s daughter, adding that “ironically, Sarah is my daughter’s name too, but she’s not a singer.” So, go get ’em, Sarah.

Fifty Shades of Criticism Criticism is not about the conscious refusal to distance oneself from the audience, but about trying to explain why or why not a prospective audience member would want to invest in experiencing a particular work. Every film has some plausible audience, but some films are cynically made for an audience of idiots and it is difficult for even the most honest critic to say, “Go see this film because you’re an idiot and it was made with you in mind.”

The key skill of a critic is the ability to analyze, and to articulate reasons for what appeal a film has and to whom. This is why there’s no point writing intelligent critiques of porn: The prospective audience can usually deduce their level of interest from the title and perhaps the list of “talent,” information to which a critic can add little. It is certainly valid to analyze such work in context, but that is less film criticism than social science.

Fifty Shades of Grey suffers from the same problem, because no one cares whether it is good or bad by critical standards. The book is so bad as to be almost unreadable, although, ironically, its moronically juvenile prose style might be tolerable if forced to read it while chained up in a dungeon under threat of punishment. (I got about 10 pages into it before it became just too painful.) Maybe the film is better – I haven’t watched it – but that would require it to diverge entirely from the book. Many books are bad and would probably be much better if totally rewritten with different plot and characters, preferably by a different author: eventually one must concede that the tools available to the modern romance novelist are essentially the same as the tools available to Shakespeare, even if they did not both use the same typewriter.

In 2012 when the Fifty Shades phenomenon began to attract commercial attention, someone got the idea to run automated text comparison tools against it and a prior fan-fiction work by the same author, Master of the Universe, which was based on the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. (Ironically, Meyer is a devout Mormon who presumably would not regard such sexually explicit fan-fiction as flattering. Then again, Jane Austen probably would not be impressed by Twilight, which Meyer has acknowledged is to a significant extent a rewrite of Pride and Prejudice.) Such automated comparison tools are intended to detect plagiarism, although one could not fairly describe an author stealing from her own work with that term. The result, however, is illustrative. “Wide swaths” of text from Master were almost cut-and-pasted into Fifty Shades, just changing names: Edward Cullen became Christian Grey, Bella Swan became Anastasia Steele, and so on. TurnItIn.com, one of the automated tools, ranked the works 89% the same. For obvious legal reasons, the author and her publisher deny this.

It is always a great deal more interesting for a critic to write a favorable review than an unfavorable one. Probably the worst live stage performance I’ve ever seen was of Hamlet in the park, and while certainly no one can blame the script, the end result was so comically awful that it remains years afterward a touchstone of reference for those who were there with me. Not only was the wind so stiff that it was dragging props around the grassy outdoor performance space, but individual gusts had a poltergeist-like sense of humor, knocking over the arras behind which Polonius was supposed to be hidden before he was killed and forcing Ophelia to chase after a Styrofoam flower pot. The Gravedigger was tossing around Halloween props from a party store with wild abandon, and I think Yorick may have even lit up. The actor playing Laertes did not show up, so the director filled in for him “on book” (that is, holding a script), and I can assure you that watching someone conducting a swordfight while reading a script is unforgettably ridiculous. The play moved so slowly that the sun set and left us in freezing darkness only a few weeks after the summer solstice. Nevertheless, it would not be fair to call an account of that experience a review; rather it would be more of a travelogue: Blown Away: How I Spent Six Hours in a Park and Nearly Froze in July.

Because of this, Fifty Shades of Grey is not so much beyond criticism as apart from it, and an attempt at legitimate critical analysis would be like trying to explain to someone what the cat did all morning and impute purpose and motives to that: “There was some lying around, then some experimentation trying to find a warm spot on the floor. Warmth is a reminder of all that’s good and wholesome in a home, the only home she has ever known since infancy. But she’s not very adventurous because she’s not allowed outside, so there was much anticipation approaching mealtime. Some doubt must always enter her mind at such times, as fears of abandonment multiply, and the realization that food has always been provided every day in the past is no assurance about tomorrow or even today, eventually spiraling inevitably into existential dread.”

It may be going too far talking about a cat in Proustian terms, but that’s the point: Fifty Shades of Grey is just about lying there looking for the warm spot.

“Master of the Universe versus Fifty Shades by E.L James Comparison” by Jane Litte, Mar 2012: http://dearauthor.com/features/industry-news/master-of-the-universe-versus-fifty-shades-by-e-l-james-co mparison/

Phillipe and Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: PoorSox, Talking Heads and Soccer Names That Kick Butt

Truth to Power

House Speaker Nick Mattiello recently got his knickers in a twist over remarks made about the Little Rhody budget and sausage-making process by Governor Gina Raimondo at Politico’s State Solutions Conference in Washington, part of the National Governor’s Association confab.

Here’s what Our Gina had to say that got Nicky’s careful coif mussed. Please identify the errors:

“For too long, what’s happened in Rhode Island … is the governor proposes a budget and then the General Assembly takes the budget — often in the dark of night, in a quiet room — the lobbyists and the General Assembly get together and they hack it up every which way and out pops a budget.” Mistakes? None. The budget process, which becomes part of the final day cluster-fuck that is a hallmark at Halitosis Hall, is one of the worst sins against good governance in the state. Good on ya, Gina. You won’t lose any support by telling the truth, especially from P&J. Keep it coming.

PoorSox

The Pawtucket Red Sox have long been near and dear to Phillipe and Jorge’s hearts, and we have always been treated like princes at McCoy Stadium. Jorge, a native of The Bucket and member of its city’s Hall of Fame, once sang the national anthem before a game. And Phillipe threw out the first pitch one memorable Memorial Day. (Split fastball on the inside corner for a strike.)

The sale of the PawSox to a team of high rollers, including Tom Ryan of CVS fame and Terry Murray of banking and investment notoriety, is a huge disappointment to your superior correspondents. The only upside is that two of the best executives in American professional baseball -- major, minor or Little League — over the past 30 years, Mike Tamburro and Lou Schwechheimer, will retain active roles with the club.

The plans for a new stadium to house the team in Providence raise many troubling questions. First is that they want to locate it on the old I-195 land already being planned for development as a massive economic booster for Our Little Towne. Aren’t there about a million better uses for this property? (Think giving of $75 million of the state’s $125M in state economic development funding to one entity, the infamous 38 Studios, when sharing the wealth seemed the no-brainer choice. How did that work out, geniuses?) P&J love the argument by the new owners that it could help boost the prospects of a new hotel being proposed nearby the park, which will no doubt be filled with fans from outside the state rushing into town to watch the visiting Toledo Mud Hens take on the Capital City’s team.

Is this the best use of the I-195 land? No way in hell. Ask the officials at Brown University, which has a substantial plan/stake in the future of the area as a Knowledge District, about this canard if they can be persuaded to tell the truth. And the fact that the new owners have broadly hinted at gaining some support from the city, which is just staggering to its financial feet after taking an eight-count after the great economic collapse of 2008, is not only arrogant, but offensive. Hey, Mayor Elorza, if you do something like gift them the land or ask taxpayers for one cent for this rich-white-boy toy-department project, you aren’t as smart as we thought you were.

Know one thing well in advance: The PawSox franchise will be held hostage for money and crass deals from the city and state for a stadium by its new ownership, with the threat of losing the beloved franchise to Massachusetts at the heart of the eventual ransom note(s).

Buy us some peanuts and Cracker Jack, even if we puke them back up. And that whirring sound you hear is Ben Mondor spinning like an industrial lathe in his grave.

Big Heads

Phillipe and Jorge have long pointed out that NBC News anchor Lyin’ Brian Williams was possibly the biggest phony in the news business, surpassed only possibly by Scott Pelley, the Niles Crane lookalike on CBS who appears to spend two hours a day in front of a mirror honing his empathetic reaction shots.

So it is no surprise Williams has finally been exposed as full of self-glorifying shit, and it’s doubtful he will have anything other than a Fox News or cable career in his future. What P&J are now looking forward to is the infighting at NBC News to see who becomes his permanent replacement. Lester Holt, doubtless delighted about his decision to sport horn-rimmed glasses on air a while back to give the illusion of a high IQ, is the obvious frontrunner. But if you think Savannah Guthrie and others at The Peacock Network aren’t going to turn this into a catfight worthy of the girls’ bathroom at a junior high school, you underestimate the desperation of egotistical, “love me, love me” red carpet wannabes that populate television. There will be more backstabbing going on at NBC in the next few months than 100 productions of Julius Caesar.

An Institute for Casual Research poll recently conducted by P&J on Facebook asked the question, “Who’s the bigger douchebag, Brian Williams or Kanye West?” Lyin’ Brian won hands down. So keep a low profile, Lester, and make sure you get a food taster anytime Savannah has visited your dressing room.

What’s In a Name?

Phillipe and Jorge have always been intrigued by bizarre names in the sports world. Way back when, Phillipe used to publish an annual list of the most inspired cum weirdest names in college basketball. This produced the likes of Baskerville Holmes, Elvis Old Bull, Napoleon Lightning (preceding Hollywood’s fictional Napoleon Dynamite) and the ultimate brother act from the University of Virginia, Majestic Mapp and Scientific Mapp (truth).

The international soccer world has always been a treasure trove of strange names, starting with teams near and dear to P&J’s hearts like Young Boys Bern and Ghana’s Eleven Golden Boys. And on the individual level, you just can’t top Brazil’s Kaka when it comes to getting a cheap laugh.

Now the high-end English soccer mag, Four-Four-Two, has presented a list of current African players who will not soon be forgotten, including Tonic Chabalala (Bombay or Beefeater’s, sir?), Surprise Moriri and Naughty Makoena. But they single out one player who ought to have his own PBS “Masterpiece Mystery” detective series: Danger Fourpence. Yes, he plays in Zimbabwe, and it would be worth having him in the starting lineup just to give the announcers a kick, so to speak.

Opinion: Questions Surround the PawSox Sale

Ben Mondor, after buying the franchise out of bankruptcy in 1977, turned the Pawtucket Red Sox into a national model of how to run a successful, fan-friendly, family-friendly, and profitable minor-league baseball team. Until his death in 2010, Mondor defined the beloved institution that became, arguably, Rhode Island’s premier professional sports organization. On February 23, it was announced that a consortium of partners, including its parent major-league Boston Red Sox organization, bought the PawSox from its prior owners, including Mondor’s widow, and planned to find a new playing venue outside the City of Pawtucket.

The news stunned fans who have come to see McCoy Stadium in Pawtucket as part of the experience. Built in 1940 with about half of its current capacity, it pre-dates the 1950s architectural preference for generic multipurpose athletic and entertainment facilities instead of baseball-only parks, a trend that dominated into the 1990s. McCoy is small, with a capacity of 10,000, but typical of the rest of the AAA- level International League in which the PawSox play: of the 14 league members, 8 play in parks with capacity between 10,000 and 10,500. By contrast, major-league baseball venues seat between 35,000 (Oakland) and 56,000 (Los Angeles).

Whatever its shortcomings, not least its age and location some distance off the Interstate highway and surrounded by unbuildable swampland, city-owned McCoy Stadium has one indisputable advantage: it’s already paid for. Nor is it in disrepair, with significant renovations in the late 1990s and early 2000s financed by rounds of government bonds that totaled around $15 million. There is abundant free parking.

The new owners have told anyone who will listen that they want to move the team to Providence, building a new “destination stadium” on land condemned by the state because of the I-195 highway relocation project. Various sources have cited a combined cost of about $100 million, of which $60 million would be new construction and $40 million would be land, each part raising separate questions. According to numerous reports, the expectation is that construction would be privately financed while the land would be subject to some as-yet-undetermined public subsidy.

There is no doubt that $60 million of construction is not justified by baseball alone. Valuing a professional sports franchise is incredibly difficult, because often prices are driven more by owner ego and intangible fan goodwill than by any rational accounting measure. The PawSox are a private business and do not disclose their financial information, but The Boston Globe estimated the sales price for the team at $20 million, which seems about right. The forced sale last year of the National Basketball Association Los Angeles Clippers was reportedly at a price of $2 billion, but that’s a very different world where tickets sell for many times the cost of minor-league baseball, much of the revenue derives from television rights, and the hometown is the nation’s second-largest metropolitan area with a population of 13.1 million. The Providence metropolitan area, which includes parts of nearby Massachusetts, is the nation’s 38th largest with a population of 1.6 million.

Without access to the PawSox financials, it is possible to do some quick “back of the envelope” calculations. Most income comes from ticket sales. If the PawSox sold out all 10,000 seats in 70 games per season at an average ticket price of $10 per seat, that would generate about $7 million per year. Selling out every seat at every game is unrealistic, but this establishes an upper limit. If every attendee also bought $10 worth of food and beer, that would add another $7 million. (Since we’re making unjustified assumptions, anyway, we might as well keep the math simple.) Advertising isn’t much, probably all together under $100,000 per year; even the principal naming rights on a major-league stadium are only worth around $50,000 per year. Adding in a few extras, such as luxury boxes and special events, this establishes an upper bound of about $15 million in annual gross revenue under the most optimistic possible scenario; in all likelihood, it’s probably actually closer to half that.

But that is gross revenue, from which operating expenses, including everything from payroll to cost of goods for resale, must be deducted. Employees cost money, as do the hot dogs and beer being sold. If we assume that the PawSox are a well-administered and tightly run business with good internal controls, they might be able to keep expenses down to about 80% of gross, leaving 20% as net profit – which is still only about $3 million per year under the optimistic scenario. A more realistic guess would be half that, and it would not be surprising to learn that the PawSox are operating close to break-even. The revenue potential is what is technically called “inelastic,” because doubling prices for tickets and concessions, for example, would probably depress sales and result in a net negative result.

Although $3 million per year in profit may seem like a large number, and it is a pretty healthy chunk of change for what is essentially a locally controlled small business, it does not justify constructing a $60 million stadium. Anyone willing to make that sort of capital investment is expecting revenue well beyond baseball. The typical claim is that a new stadium would be a catalyst for development, drawing additional new construction for shopping malls, hotels, entertainment venues and urban businesses. The problem with that model in Providence is that this already happened a short distance away. Just as the opening of the Providence Place Mall cannibalized the malls in Warwick, driving the Rhode Island Mall into closure, any new shopping mall would compete with the Providence Place Mall and any new entertainment arena would compete with the Civic Center/Dunkin Donuts Center.

So what justifies a $60 million construction project at the proposed location? Once the traditional urban renaissance businesses are ruled out, the only kind of business not already in Downtown Providence with the potential to generate enough revenue, at least that I can think of, would be a gambling casino. I have no evidence that this is what is intended by anyone, but the numbers really don’t work in any other way that I can see. Could Providence support two adjacent shopping malls and two adjacent indoor arenas at the same time? Or will the end result be to do to Twin River what was done to the Rhode Island Mall?

Originally, the plan was to use the I-195 relocation project land for office complexes, establishing a “knowledge district” in co-operation with Brown University and its medical school, the Rhode Island School of Design, Johnson and Wales University, and other entities who already have a strong presence in that area. The state floated almost $40 million in bonds to buy that land via eminent domain from property owners, expecting to repay those bonds from proceeds of selling the land to private developers to create the knowledge district.

Eminent domain, the power of the government to condemn private land and take it from property owners for public purposes, is a hotly contested political issue today. The Takings Clauses in both the federal and state constitutions afford protection against government abuse, requiring that the taking be for “public use” and that the owner be given “just compensation,” terms that have led to numerous court disputes. In 2006, the United States Supreme Court decided that the town of New London, Conn., could involuntarily take land from one private owner and transfer it to another private owner to further a redevelopment plan that would result in higher property taxes. That ruling sparked massive outrage leading to a national reform effort, with several states prohibiting such practices by legislative or judicial action. In the end, the New London redevelopment plan fell through, leaving the land vacant after most of the buildings on it had already been knocked down, and it ended up becoming, quite literally, a dump – further fueling political outrage.

While the Providence land was originally condemned for a highway project, its value was appraised subject to the plan for eventual use as part of the knowledge district. Although the general rule is that “just compensation” in the context of eminent domain is based upon the fair market value at the time of the taking and does not consider future uses that are purely speculative, this is not an absolute rule and there are exceptions where it would work an injustice. If the original owners of the land sued the state claiming that, had their land not been taken involuntarily then the construction of a “destination stadium” might have greatly increased its value, they might well have a case. Even if that is an uphill legal battle in the face of precedents dating to the 1930s, the mere filing of a suit would have two guaranteed effects: First, the state would be exposed to potentially enormous liability that could plausibly reach several times the $40 million actually paid for the land, and, second, the assertion of such an argument citing the constitutional Takings Clauses would instantly raise the court case to national political significance. And, of course, the state might lose.

How – or even if – the state plans to make the I-195 land available for a new stadium is unclear. According to press reports, the new owners of the PawSox have not actually asked for it and the elected officials of the state say they have not yet been asked for it. If the proposal involves the state providing the land at no cost, sticking the taxpayers with the $40 million bond cost if the land is not sold as planned, that would seem a political and financial impossibility.

Official projections are that the Rhode Island state government will spend $151.1 million more than it takes in during the fiscal year ending in 2016 and $256.7 million more than it takes in during the fiscal year ending in 2017. The political climate has been thoroughly poisoned by the 38 Studios collapse into bankruptcy in 2012 that may or may not have left the taxpayers holding the bag for at least $75 million of loan guarantees.

Ultimately, the fiscal realities of today make any sizable public subsidy of a sports stadium unlikely in the way it might have been done in the past. The Buffalo Bisons, the AAA-level competitors of the PawSox, play in the largest park in the International League with a capacity of over 18,000; it was built in the 1980s at a reported cost of $42 million, of which the State of New York kicked in $22 million and various city, county and other public contributors paid for the rest. It is widely acclaimed as a beautiful venue and was, in fact, the prototype for Camden Yards, the home of the Baltimore Orioles, by the same designer.

While the PawSox are as archetypically American as baseball, motherhood and apple pie, devoted fans have to recognize that their deep emotional loyalty is to a private business. If the PawSox decide to leave Pawtucket for what they see as greener pastures, there is not much that anyone can do to stop them. I fear the team will inevitably raise the threat of moving to another state if the Providence stadium does not materialize. Whether to publicly subsidize the project and to what extent are decisions that must be made with cold rationality and in light of hard numbers with full transparency and disclosure. We cannot afford another 38 Studios deal cooked up in back rooms and railroaded through without due diligence.

Teams of the AAA-level International League and their venues: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_League

Playing venues of major-league baseball teams: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Major_League_Baseball_stadiums

Landmark Supreme Court case on the constitutional Takings Clause: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kelo_v._City_of_New_London “Pawtucket Red Sox sold; group eyes Providence” by Alex Speier, Boston Globe, Feb 23: http://www.bostonglobe.com/sports/2015/02/23/mayor-says-pawtucket-red-sox-will-move/cNerQbMyPuH xu2tk9EaqfL/story.html

“Mixed scorecard for ballpark economics” by Paul Grimaldi, Providence Journal, Feb 28: http://www.providencejournal.com/article/20150228/NEWS/150229285/14070

“It’s the Economy, Stupid!” by Michael Bilow, Motif, Aug 6: http://motifri.com/its-the-economy-stupid-bilow-issues-edited/

Phillipe and Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Bus Stop, a Drop, and Rock ‘n’ Roll

Bus World Issues having to do with RIPTA buses are always on Jorge’s mind as he has been riding them his entire life and has never had a driver’s license. He talks to drivers and other passengers and, with the weather we have been experiencing, it seems that the frustrations of many folks who are “on the buses” have been greatly exacerbated. Jorge also knows many other regular bus riders who are quite knowledgeable about how government and the buses work. Among them are Don Rhodes, the President and Legislative lobbyist for the RIPTA Riders Alliance and Bob Rizzo, the veteran multi-media artist who, for many years, ran arts programs for the city of Providence.

Bob lives in the Pawtuxet Village area (Cranston/Warwick) and mentions, specifically, the 1/4 mile (7 blocks) distances between stops on the R Line, a complaint also voiced by regular RIPTA rider Annette Gagne. That the R-line buses are almost always crowded, frequently so crowded that they pass by passengers waiting at stops because they can’t take on any more riders, is also a concern. And, although Jorge’s experience has been with the R Line, he has been informed that the stops being far apart is true of a number of other main lines as well. With all the snow came the worries about who is responsible for clearing out the snow at shelters and stops. One driver told me how concerned he was about the safety of passengers waiting at the #3 stop on Eddy Street outside of Rhode Island Hospital. People were standing in the street and it was clearly dangerous. “Someone’s going to get killed,” the driver told me. In fact, Don Rhodes was nearly hit on a couple of occasions because he had to stand in the street due to the shelters/stops being unshoveled. Rhodes says that the current RIDOT model for street clearance is “outdated” and after the second, third or fourth passes by the plows, people often find that their driveways and sidewalks that they are legally required to keep clear are continually being clogged up by icy, hard snow that is nearly impossible to shovel. At a recent meeting of the RIPTA Riders Alliance, Lamar, the advertising company that has a contract with RIPTA, said that they would be “responsible for keeping clear the 25 busiest bus shelters in the state.” This is a nice start, but they are in no way legally required to do this and if they are unable to follow through with their pledge, there are no consequences. Since it is the poor and disenfranchised who comprise the majority of regular bus riders, this is a near- invisible problem. But when people start getting hit and injured because no one has addressed these storm-related issues, there will be an “I can’t believe this happened” public outcry. Don’t say that you weren’t warned. For Rock & Roll Collectors

It’s time again for another meeting of the Original Southern New England Rock & Roll Collectors Convention. Created by Dr. Oldie himself (the Mad Peck), this is a must for anyone who collects vinyl, posters or any other sort of rock ‘n’ roll-related stuff. It’s also an opportunity to meet other collectors and fans. It takes place at its “new” location — the Knights of Columbus Hall on 304 Highland Ave (Rte. 123), South Attleboro, Mass, on Sun, March 1. Doors open at 10am and close at 3pm, and admission is still only two bucks! If you’re tired of being cooped up indoors and have been looking for an excuse to get out, this is it! So spread the word and let’s hope the weather cooperates! Saturday Night Live 40

There was only one thing that P&J wanted to see in the big “Saturday Night Live” 40th anniversary show … acknowledgement of our late and much loved friend, Charles Rocket, who was a cast member and anchored the Weekend Update segment of SNL in 1980. And he was acknowledged in a brief segment on cast members who have passed away.

It’s a long story, but in most histories of SNL, the 1980-81 season is usually ignored. Charlie was a major talent who was dealt a very bad hand, but those who remember his influence on the Providence underground art scene of the late 1960s and ’70s, know well his brilliance.

And, speaking of “Saturday Night Live,” kudos to its original set designer — about the best and most sought-after in the business — Providence’s own Eugene Lee.

Stairway to Hospital Poor Phillipe learned this week that socks on stairs don’t mix when he slid down a set and landed in the hospital. He got a nasty bump on the noggin that would send excited shivers down the spine of any phrenologist, but he’ll be back in fine shape in time for our next column.

Phillipe and Jorge’s Cool, Cool World

Aftermath

Well, Juno (the blizzard) didn’t turn out to be ’78 redux, but it did shake everyone up, and it seems a lot of those responsible for dealing with the storm did their homework and got Vo Dilun back on track in a day or two. It was bad enough to shut down RIPTA for over 24 hours, but there were precious few power outages and Governor Gina passed what people are calling her first major test as the state’s Head Ramrod with flying colors.

Things were a bit spottier on the city and town level. There was the expected grumbling about the slow progress of plowing in some communities and, most dramatic of all, the realization that the storm interrupted vital doughnut deliveries to a number of Dunkin Donut franchises throughout the state. We cannot confirm this, but there was a rumor that in some police departments, word of the doughnut drought led some personnel to wear black cloths on their heads.

Somehow we survived it all and the Biggest Little can now breathe a sigh of relief as we forge on into the abyss.

Portrait of the Artist

We know that our old pal Linc is none too fond of his official portrait as governor that will grace a wall in the state house, but Phillipe and Jorge think it is perfect for a man who always kept his own counsel and endured more dark times than necessary.

Done by artist Julie Gearan, it shows Linc within a grim light, wearing a black topcoat and with a faraway look at, no doubt, more incoming storms. While the former governor wanted none of the usual accessories surrounding him − globe, portrait of Lincoln, library of unread books − it really does bring home the man in real life. Someone who boldly challenged his own party, who was indeed an Independent Man like the one atop Halitosis Hall, and would stick to his guns until a high-noon shootout when challenged.

Two of the best features of Gearan’s excellent piece are subtle, but powerful. The sight of clouds lifting from the dark days in the background and Linc’s left hand resting on a rock with stems of marsh grasses rising around it. Yes, things did improve during Chafee’s tenure, whether you like admitting it or not. And his total, unqualified dedication to the environment was evident daily, and a tribute to his father, the late Senator John Chafee, author of the national Clean Water Act, whose power and prescience endures until this day.

It is great to see that this nuanced and no-nonsense portrait will be featured at the state house; its honesty will be light years away from the stiffly posed portraits of previous government leaders trying to convey a sense of dignity and honor who were conversely at best crooks, thieves and scoundrels whose first concern was to feather their own nests, the public be damned. The truth may hurt, Linc, but it has always been a rare commodity on Smith Hill, and both you and Ms. Gearan should be proud of your efforts.

No More Homecomings

There has been a great deal made lately of Arab/Muslim terrorists who left their developed home countries to travel to the likes of Syria or Yemen (pick your own third-world hellhole) to get military training there, and then come back home and commit mass murders against innocent citizens. While France and Great Britain are most concerned, especially since Charlie Hebdo, the US has our own crop of detestable scum flying the radical Islam flag, both here and in Stone Age nations.

Although government officials have either gotten their knickers in a twist or simply wet those panties, P&J believe there is a fairly easy solution. When one of these assimilated psychopaths buys a ticket to travel to the Mideast or another resort vacation spot like Afghanistan, inform them that it is only going to be a one-way voyage. They will simply not be allowed to return, and their photos and personal info will be disseminated to every checkpoint in every country from which they may attempt their re-entry. Will this stop the influx of terrorists entirely? Not a chance. But it would be a good first step. And as to protecting civil rights in free, essentially democratic countries, P&J would use the argument against these terrorism importers, famously used by great minds like Aristotle and the Marx Brothers, “If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.” P&J are certain there will be plenty of second thoughts by these human scum leaving those pied-a-terres in Paris and London for a lifetime of “one hot and no cot” in a charmingly appointed cave or the delightful heat of the desert.

In the meantime, nous sommes Charlie, and are not afraid.

Passing of a Great Man

Phillipe & Jorge would like to join the chorus to salute the life of Dr. Stanley Aronson, the founding dean of Brown University’s Alpert School of Medicine, who passed away on Jan 28. Dr. Aronson had a huge and positive effect on life in the Biggest Little, not just through his pioneering work in medicine and as a mentor to generations of medical students and physicians, but also for his weekly columns that ran in the Providence Journal (on Mondays) for many years and were among the most erudite and learned articles to appear in the daily paper. He was also a co-founder of Home & Hospice Care of Rhode Island. We recommend the obituary/salute written by Scott MacKay, political reporter for RI’s NPR station, WRNI, that can be found on the station’s website (ripr.org).

Ain’t No Sun Shine?

One of the first things to strike the pure-heart and inquiring mind of Phillipe when he moved to England decades ago was that one of the country’s largest papers, The Sun, featured just inside the front page photos of women baring their breasts. He found this feature to be very popular with his fellow workers on a construction site, who had less than degrees from Oxford or Cambridge, as well it might, because the news content of The Sun makes the New York Post look like The Times of London.

If you ever wondered how Australian media magnate Rupert ‘The Dirty Digger” Murdoch rose to prominence, it was through this great idea for what is now commonly know as “tits on page 3.” These topless shots were always accompanied by a caption that was to somehow justify their presence: “Frisky Liverpool lass Daphne is enjoying the surf in Bimini during her holiday vacation.” Yeah, and now Clive is spending too much time in the bathroom at home studying the stock market results in the paper.

There are conflicting reports in the British media these days after a shocking decision, supposedly ordered by the Dirty Digger, that the women on page 3 now wear bras or bikini tops while frolicking. But knowing Murdoch, if sales slip even a bit, the working class men in England will again be shouting “Phwoar!” after they pick up their morning copy of the Dirty Digger’s rag en route to the building site or factory.

P&J are now pondering if the head ramrods at the Urinal have already started moving on the quote from David Dinsmore when he became editor of The Sun back in 2013, and who vowed to keep the “tits on Page 3” alive: It is a “good way of selling newspapers.” Prepare to get ‘em out, Rhody girls.