Under Her Hat! ©2010

UNDER HER HAT! ©2010

Book & Lyrics by Hana Roth Seavey

Music by Tor Ingar Jakobsen

Contact: Hana Roth Seavey 2802 Avenue X Brooklyn, New York 11235 [email protected] 917-621-7101 UNDER HER HAT! ©2010

SET REQUIREMENTS Minimal sets are suggested for apartments, factory, showroom, airport, using door frames, signs, furniture, and props. The required furniture can be built upon a variety of benches for tables, chairs, bed; cushions provided according to the needs of the scene. Projections are noted in stage directions and recommended throughout; however, are not essential. COSTUME SUGGESTION Cheryl wears a hat at all times except when in the act of changing hats or making a statement. To avoid having the hats distract from the action and emotion of the scenes, it's suggested that the hats, while very 'Cheryl', be designed with casual wearing in mind---perhaps variations on beanies or the smaller hats of the thirties and forties. PROLOGUE-1

PROLOGUE

Enter the INTERNS, dancing, playing instruments, placing a multi-purpose basket and chair on the Apron. EACH plays an instrument, creating a Caribbean hullabaloo. WILLIE, as a barker. SONG: OOOLA, LA WILLIE LADIES, GENTS OF EV'RY GENDER CAN WE BEG AN HOUR'S SURRENDER, FOR A TALE OF FASHION CITY, WHERE EAGER EYES ARE GLEAMING GLITT'RY... INTERNS WITH AMBITION! BEYOND ALL SENSE, POWERFUL, PASSIONATE, OOLA INTENSE. OOOLA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, OOOLA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA WILLIE TURN OFF CELL PHONE, CAM'RA,PAGER, 'TWILL BE MORE FUN TO WATCH, I'LL WAGER. (HE points to the chair as CHERYL enters with an artist's pencil, portfolio, and cell phone, dressed in indoor day clothing and hat. SHE sits, drops the cell in her lap, spreads the portfolio out on her knees, and is instantly absorbed, focused on a particular page. Open spot on SARA offstage, calling from her cell. CHERYL ignores the ring. SARA hangs up.) CHERYL Maybe. Maybe. Pull the brim down over the right temple, tweak the beads, cascade them. (SHE adds a definitive stroke to the draft, then absentmindedly pulls out the cell from under the portfolio, presses the 'on' icon as SARA tries to phone again.)

SARA Any life in the lovelife? Is love still sitting on top of people's heads? PROLOGUE-2 CHERYL No time for lovelife, girl---Senior Hat Exhibit drafts due. Hats are easier than men! (CHERYL closes the portfolio. Each INTERN pulls on a remarkable hat.)

WILLIE On our stage sits Cheryl Roth, a no-man-for-me hatmaker, until... INTERNS OOOLA, LA LA. OOOLA LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA. (CHERYL pulls a bridal tiara and veil from the basket, exchanges her hat for the tiara.) WILLIE SHE MEETS A MAN SHE CAN'T RESIST. WHEN PASSION POUNDS LIKE A THUMPING FIST, OUR GAL CHERYL WITH WEDDING GARTER MAKES HER MAN HER BUS'NESS PARTNER! STICK WITH ME NOW, YOU'LL GET THE GIST, Meet Justin Chen, (Enter JUSTIN. CHERYL rolls a garter down her leg and tosses it to HIM. HE catches and kisses it, holding it high in love and triumph.) MELANIE BUT WHAT CHANCE HAS A MATCH T'SURVIVE IF FAM'LY'S BIGOTRY'S STILL ALIVE,

(FRAN, MEI, SARA, BUHBEE, GUNG, GUNG crowd together onstage. ESTÉBAN and HOWIE squeeze in. CHERYL exchanges the tiara for her original hat. SHE and JUSTIN cross to Stage C. The families sort themselves out: on Stage R, MEI, GUNG GUNG, HOWIE. Stage L, FRAN, SARA, ESTÉBAN, BUHBEE---at the door, patting her hair in place. Spotlights go back and forth to highlight each side of the stage as each of the families engage. JUSTIN turns to Stage R, lights up Stage R. MEI and JUSTIN skype, GUNG GUNG looks on.)

MEI American girl? A disaster! JUSTIN A disaster? You don't even know her! PROLOGUE-3 MEI This girl comes from a completely different background. JUSTIN Different background, different design sensibility, perfect. You'll love her hats for the store. GUNG GUNG American girl, hunh, interesting. (Stage L lights. Stage R lights down.) FRAN Chinese? Dumplings and kreplach, Sara, kreplach and dumplings. What will I do? SARA You won't do anything, Ma. Kreplach are dumplings. Morty and I were kreplach and kreplach, the putz. Is that what you want for Cheryl? FRAN Hats, hats, hats. Fall in love with a competitor?! SARA There are places where they'll sort it out. Bedrooms? (Stage R lights. Stage L down.) JUSTIN I didn't come to New York to be a waiter in my uncle's restaurant, or a chef, or even owner. I'm in fashion. Cheryl's right for me. Besides, I love her, MaMa. Be happy for me. (CHERYL smiles upon hearing the words. HE repeats, in Chinese.) ---Cantonese: Glyaw lyoi coi, MaMa. ---Mandarin: Hwaw ai ta, MaMa. (HE hangs up.) CHERYL Your mother? JUSTIN Great. Yeah, great. CHERYL In-credible. My mother is gonna be just as 'great' as yours. (CHERYL turns towards FRAN, SARA, BUHBEE, takes off her hat.) PROLOGUE-4 CHERYL I love him, Ma. (JUSTIN turns Stage R to FRAN, picks up basket.) JUSTIN Mrs. Roth. Moon cakes, with a hard-boiled egg in each and every one. FRAN O, yum yum yummy. (SHE swiftly hands off the basket to ESTÉBAN. CHERYL'S hat goes back on.) CHERYL/JUSTIN NO-ONE CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO, NO-ONE CAN STOP ME FROM LOVING YOU. (BUHBEE peers into the basket and at JUSTIN.) BUHBEE Sveet Chinese boy! Nice-looking. JAMIE BUT WHEN A CLASH OF PEDIGREES BRINGS HER MARRIAGE TO ITS KNEES, INTERNS OOOLA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, TORRANCE WHO CAN SAY WHAT MOST WILL MATTER MELANIE TO OUR FERVENT, FOCUSED HATTER. INTERNS OOOLA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA,

JAMIE WILL AWESOME EGO BE HER UNDOING? WILL THE HUSBAND SHE ONCE WAS WOOING RETURN TO CHERYL AFTER HE'S FLOWN--- WAS THEIR MARRIAGE STRICTLY ON-LOAN? WILLIE TIME TO BEGIN AT THE BEGINNING, SEE WHO'S LOST, WHO WINDS UP WINNING, CURTAIN UP WITHOUT DELAY! ON SOON T'BE LOVERS C AND J. PROLOGUE-5 INTERNS OOOLA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, OOO CHERYL, OOO JUSTIN, OOOLA, LA, HERE WE GO, OOOLA, LA, WE BEGIN! I-1-6

ACT I SCENE 1 Early morning. Lights up on CHERYL's apartment, Stage L, and SARA's apartment, Stage R, in the same building, separated by SARA's living room, with a common wall C. CHERYL'S apartment has an Upstage doorframe. CHERYL discovered, dressed as in night clothes, sits at a table on a swivel office chair with her MAC laptop on it, cell phone next to it. A bottle of bright nail polish is on the desk; her open portfolio leans against the side of the desk. SHE polishes her toenails. Hat designs cover CHERYL'S walls. Her unmade bed is full of hats. Lights up on SARA at her desktop PC, cell next to it. SARA, cocooned in robe and head towel, hunches over her MAC, drinks coffee from a large mug. The SISTERS skype. SARA Baby sister, you can't sleep with a hat. CHERYL I do. (SHE caps the polish bottle.) SARA They don't keep your feet warm. CHERYL I have naturally hot toes. (SHE blows on her toes, quickly brings a large sketch pad to her lap and starts a sketch.) Final session with Dean Claggit, who-o-o almost crossed me off the portfolio review with professionals. Do you know what he said?

SARA No, I don't know what he said. I-1-7 CHERYL My hats? Too over the top. Never make a living in the millinery world. Did'ja ever notice that Claggit rhymes with maggot? SARA Who makes a living in the millinery world? Did he see you goggle-eyed age eight, at the Lily Daché exhibit, or visit Grandpa's hat shop in Odessa? (Firmly back on track, while CHERYL continues to sketch.) ...Your date with Chuck, Ma's next-door-neighbor's nephew? CHERYL Date?! Took one look at my head... SARA And? (Begin underscoring with 'Hats Are Easier Than Men'.) CHERYL WENT FROM CHUCKLE TO LAUGH, THE RAT. LAUGHED AT MY GORGEOUSLY FROU-FROU HAT, WANTED ME TO GET RID OF IT, SARA NOT A BIT OF IT?! REALLY? WHAT NERVE! CHERYL NEXT, HE PAWED MY CLOTHES. IT SUCKED. SARA I HOPE YOU THREW SOMETHING AT THE PERV. THE CLUCK! AND THAT HE COULDN'T DUCK WHEN HE GOT WHAT HE FULLY DESERVED. (WILLIE, watching from Stage R, interjects.) WILLIE OOOLA LA, SWEET GIRL, IT'S NO WONDER, A DATE LIKE THIS CAN DRAG YOU UNDER. SARA But obsess not, chère soeur, nothing like a hot guy. You'll find one. I-1-8 CHERYL Are you selling me men? Remember last year's list--- THERE WAS THE BRILLIANT TECHNOPHILE WHO WANTED TO DATE A DEVICE, AND THEN THE CUDDLY NECROPHILE WHO ASKED FOR GRAVESIDE DATES---TWICE! Men! When I graduate, my hats will take over New York! Dating thrills don't compare. SARA It's not the dating. It's the feelings, the longings...something locked up inside... CHERYL What feelings, what longings, nothing's locked up inside of me, Sara. That's you, not me. (SARA pauses.) SARA I don't believe that. You're not a hatmaking machine.

(CHERYL whirls around in her chair.)

SONG: HATS ARE EASIER THAN MEN CHERYL A HATLESS HEAD, SIS SARA, IS LIKE A HEADLESS HORSEMAN. A GAL OF COURSE C'N APPEAR UNCOVERED, BUT LET'R ONCE DISCOVER ONE OF MY HATS, NO CHANCE'VE TURNING BACK! THERE IS NO GUY AS GOOD (CHERYL grabs handfuls of hats. Note: the physical action of this scene depends on CHERYL'S interaction with hats. The more the merrier.)

AS MY HATS, SARA. (SHE begins flipping them on and off, using the AUDIENCE as a full-length mirror.)

I CAN WHIP UP A HAT, WITH THE MAGIC OF PAPER AND PEN, BUT SHAPE UP A MAN FAST AS THAT? HATS ARE EASIER THAN MEN. I-1-9 CHERYL (CONT'D) I CAN BREAK UP A HAT, USE ITS PARTS ALL OVER AGAIN, THERE'S NO MANLY MALE SPECIMEN HALF AGAIN AS USEFUL AS THAT, HATS ARE EASIER THAN MEN. SARA Why not---

TRY A GUY WHO'LL MAKE YOU DROOL AT YOUR PRECIOUS FASHION SCHOOL OF COOLY-COOL TECHNOLOGY? CHERYL THE GUYS AT FST ARE PRETTIER THAN ME. All the best guys are gay. (CHERYL windmills the hats, jamming them on one after another, throws them back on the bed as she sings.) I CAN CREATE A HAT, CUSTOM MADE FOR WHATEVER OR WHEN, CAP, BERET, OR SNAPPY FEDORA, LEAVE IT TO ME, 'CAUSE I CAN DO MORE'A UN, DEUX, TROIS, HERE'S A DOZEN OR TEN, NO TEN MEN, NO SUPER-DUPER SUPERMEN--- UH, UH, HATS! HATS ARE EASIER THAN MEN! (SHE shimmies back to the computer table, holds up a sketch pad facing the audience, designs a new hat, adding a stroke as she sings each line.) HATS ARE EASY, FUN AND BREEZY, NEVER SLEAZY, HATS! HATS ARE EASIER THAN MEN! (SHE goes back to her draft, adds a final touch, tears it off the pad.) Hah! (WILLIE interjects from Stage L.) WILLIE GAL SAYS SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S ABOUT, BUT COULD THERE BE….A SMALL, A WEE, A TEENIE, TINY OOOLA LA DOUBT? I-1-10 (HE exits definitively.) SARA It's not about easy! Not about perfect men. (CHERYL slips the new design into the portfolio and zips up the portfolio. SHE nods with satisfaction, pulls on tights, throws off her nightwear---sleep bra underneath---begins to dress, starting with a hat, which may have to come on and off. Watching CHERYL dress should be both playfully, innocently sexy and funny.) CHERYL Like Morty the ex? SARA Morty... (CHERYL'S voice coming from under a tangled top.) SARA/CHERYL ...was a lump of cheese. (SARA returns her attention to her computer. Slight pause.) It's about your b'shert. (Begin 'B'Shert' underscore.) CHERYL (SHE continues dressing, long socks or legwarmers go on. Boots follow.) B'shert. B'shairt? B'shecht? Did you just use Yiddish? Buhbee's word for the amazing hunk in my future? SARA It's Grandma talking, did you expect Norwegian? CHERYL It's a hunk of superstition! SARA How do you know? Maybe there's a soulmate out there for everyone. A one-and-only, a b'shert. CHERYL Like Prince Charming. Oh sure. I-1-11 SARA SONG: B'SHERT B'SHERT. THAT'S A WORD, A LITTLE WORD, IN A LANGUAGE SO OLD, IT'S SELDOM HEARD, NO-ONE SPEAKS IT ANYMORE, EXCEPT FOR A FEW. IT'S A WORD THAT SAYS LOVE IS FORETOLD. CHERYL IT'S SO ABSURD NO-ONE BELIEVES IT ANYMORE. SARA EXCEPT FOR A FEW, DOESN'T MEAN IT CAN'T COME TRUE, B'SHERT. DO I BELIEVE? DO YOU? IF A GIRL'S A TAD ALERT, IT CAN HAPPEN. LIKE MAGNETS THAT ATTRACT, CLAP! IT CAN HAPPEN... DESTINY. B'SHERT. IF YOU GET OUT THERE AND FLIRT, IT CAN HAPPEN. LIKE A JOLT OF LIGHTNING, ZAP! IT CAN HAPPEN. NOT BECAUSE YOU SET YOUR CAP, JUST CAN HAPPEN. PAY-DIRT. SERENDIPITY. B'SHERT. (In the face of no response from CHERYL.)

The costume institute, the Met... Wear something great when you sketch? CHERYL The Metropolitan Museum of Art? NO-ONE FLIRTS WITH ME AT THE MET, NO ROMEO'S CRUISING THE MET FOR A FEMALE JULIET. I know what b'shert's are, Sara. B'SHERTS ARE FOR ALWAYS AND EVER, A B'SHERT'S A NEVER SAY DIE, A B'SHERT'S A NEVER ASK WHY.

I-1-12

SARA Maybe find an older man. CHERYL Papa Bear? If there's someone special for me,

I WANT ROMEO! I WANT B'SHERT! (SARA bounds away from her desk, runs offstage L while CHERYL flings off the last hat. SARA, coming from R, bursts into CHERYL'S apartment.)

CHERYL B'SHERTS ARE FOR ALWAYS AND EVER, NEVER SAY DIE, NEVER ASK WHY, TRULY MY FATE, UNMISTAK-ABLY MINE, FOREVER. FOREVER MINE. CHERYL/SARA NEVER SAY DIE, NEVER ASK WHY, TRULY MY FATE, UNMISTAK-ABLY MINE, FOREVER. FOREVER. FOREVER MINE. CHERYL One of these days, I promise, I'll go online and check J- Dates or OKCupid. (Use the latest hot online dating service.) SARA J-Dates? We've got Central Park for strangers. Senior submission's going in. So ice skating at Wollman's Saturday night. Go! At least you'll see what you're missing face-to- face. CHERYL O.K. O.K. One night. For you, fantasy-brain-washed sister. Sara, no-one will be there. No-one will be there! SARA Destiny's a funny thing. I have to go back to my apartment, I left a pot on, kale. (SARA runs out. CHERYL'S cell alarm goes off.) CHERYL Holy crap---class in twenty minutes.

SARA Good luck, sweetheart. Don't let Claggit scare you.

I-1-13 (CHERYL dance-steps excitedly with her portfolio. SARA calls to HER.) There's a hat-lovin' skating hunk out there! (SHE enters her apartment. CHERYL puts on the perfect hat.) CHERYL Beenies, ma soeur, à bientôt! (SHE shimmies through the last verse.) REPRISE: HATS ARE EASIER THAN MEN HATS ARE EASY, FUN AND BREEZY, NEVER SLEAZY, HATS! HATS ARE EASIER THAN MEN! Y'GOT THAT? (SHE slams the door on the way out. SHE'S gone.) I-2-14

ACT I SCENE 2

Saturday evening. A bench in the locker room at Wollman's Ice Rink in Central Park. Disco/pop music. CHERYL wears a signature hat. SHE and JUSTIN are lacing their skates on opposite sides of a bench. HE'S finishing, SHE'S tugging and tieing off. CHERYL rises, heading across JUSTIN towards the door to the ice just as JUSTIN sticks out his foot to check his laces. SHE trips over his foot, teeters precariously, and falls into JUSTIN'S lap. JUSTIN (Shocked, but not unpleasantly.) Whoops. CHERYL Ohhhh. Sor-ry! (SHE struggles to rise, flops back hard into JUSTIN's lap.) JUSTIN Wait. Let me help you. CHERYL I can do it. (But SHE can't. CHERYL tries to push off. Her hat drops and SHE falls onto her knees, reaching for it, in front of JUSTIN with her rear pointing towards his face. HE takes a good look at her posterior.) JUSTIN Wow!

(Slight pause. HE gets hold of HIMSELF, rescues her hat, extends his arm to HER.) Here, it was my fault. I-2-15 JUSTIN (CONT'D) (HE pulls her up, holds her with one hand.) Your poor ankle. (HE hands her her hat. SHE plops it on her head.) CHERYL My poor pride. (HE adjusts her hat. THEY smile, regard ONE ANOTHER. HE remembers that HE'S holding HER, politely lets go.) JUSTIN I was hurrying to lace up and get out on the ice. Me, the world's worst Wollman's ice-skater. CHERYL I already hold that title. JUSTIN Maybe I came in second. (THEY laugh.) CHERYL You look so familiar. JUSTIN You, too. The subway? Starbucks? (SHE slips backwards, HE grabs her arms. THEY look at EACH OTHER again. HE doesn't let go.) JUSTIN I thought you were going down again. On your own this time. Hey, great hat. (SHE gently pries free, trying to re-establish her independence, but is aware of the unique compliment. She grimaces, smiling.) CHERYL No, oh no. I'm solid. Solid as a rock. (SHE turns towards the door and places one foot forward, taking a shaky step.) Like a wobbly rock, standing on top of a...a… (HE laughs.) I-2-16 JUSTIN On top of a chopstick. ---Cantonese: Faai zi ---Mandarin: Kuai zi. Chinese. (THEY laugh again together. CHERYL starts to totter away.) CHERYL Well, thanks for picking me up. See y'on the ice, or maybe at the hot chocolate stand with wet knees! (Another shared laugh. CHERYL exits.) JUSTIN Yeh, sure, nothing. (Pause. Looking after HER.) Boy, wish I had...picked you up. (The Loudspeaker announces: "Couples only, 'THE SKATERS' WALTZ', couples only." JUSTIN calls after CHERYL.) Hey! Um, do you want--- (SHE'S out of sight. HE calls louder.)

Hey? (No response. The music has become a louder, melodic, irresistibly romantic waltz-time B'SHERT. HE clumps as swiftly as possible to the exit, searching. His cell phone rings. HE turns, throwing a glance over his shoulder in CHERYL'S direction. As HE touches the receive button.) Yeh? (HE turns, thrown off by the call.) Now? No, I can't. He didn't show up? Use another waiter, or Kim Ma can double. Not now, Uncle. I'm...

(Concentrating on the Exit door through which CHERYL disappeared.) I-2-17 JUSTIN (CONT'D) skating...I can't...right away? I can't, I can't. Okay, okay---No, no! Now!? Urgent!? Saturday night crowd? Yes, family loyalty. Yes, yes. I'll be there. (JUSTIN blows out a puff of frustrated air, pockets the cell phone, leans down to unlace his skates.) I'll never find her again. What's her name?! Damn! Damn! PRE-SONG REFRAIN: THE WORLD'S WORST LOVE SONG SOMEHOW WE CLICKED, SUDDENLY LIFE WITHOUT HER COMES ON TOO SLOW OR TOO QUICK, SCARES ME SILLY, SCARES ME SICK, LIKE STICKY RICE, SHE AND I--- WE HAVE A CHANCE TO STICK.

I-3-18

ACT I SCENE 3 Sunday, late morning. The SISTERS' apartments. CHERYL in t-shirt/nightie with enormous hat, sits trying to sketch, but wanders off several times. Unable to concentrate, Cheryl turns to her cell phone, types in a short spurt text, furiously. SARA, in sweatshirt, p.j. bottoms, and enormous headphones, hunched as usual, concentrates on scanning her screen while spooning ice cream from a huge container into her mouth. SHE hears a 'pling' on her cell, sees a message from CHERYL, opens it. CHERYL I met this guy at the rink last night, and--- SARA Cute? CHERYL Hunk...ish. SARA Hunk-ish? Straight? CHERYL Apparently. I have these...feelings...!? SARA I'm coming over. (SARA disappears through her door. CHERYL twiddles with the sketch pad and marker; with marked self- pity, SHE sings a snatch from B'SHERT.) CHERYL B'SHERTS ARE FOR ALWAYS... (SARA pushes CHERYL'S door open, enters.)

SARA Feelings? SONG: THE HOT CHOC'LIT TANGO I-3-19 CHERYL FEELINGS I'M DEALING WITH NOW! SARA WOW, HE MADE AN IMPRESSION... CHERYL I can't believe me. SARA, HEAR MY CONFESSION, I STOPPED AT THE CONCESSION, IT WAS GUZZLE HOT CHOC'LIT OR GLOOM. SARA Why? CHERYL (SHE flips her chair forward, dramatically faces the audience.) There we were on the bench... (SARA pulls over a chair, sits facing the audience next to CHERYL.) SARA There you were on the bench... (CHERYL rises, begins to act out the song.) CHERYL AFTER LACING MY SKATES, THINKING SWAN-LIKE FIGURE EIGHTS, I FELL LIKE A SACK ON HIM STRAIGHT, THEN WENT FLAT, REAR UP IN FULL BLOOM. SARA You mooned him? And then? CHERYL HE GAVE ME A HAND FROM THE BENCH, HELPED ME UP, THE PERFECT MENSCH, Do you know what he said? Do you know? SARA No, I don't know. I-3-20 CHERYL He said, he said, 'That's a great hat'! Oh, oh, ohhhh. BUT WHERE HE WENT--- WHO KNOWS---NOT ME---AND WITH WHOM. (SARA joins CHERYL. THEY tango.) SARA YOU MEAN HE NEVER SHOWED UP? CHERYL NEVER. I WAITED AND SKATED, CHIN UP, GULPED CUP AFTER CUP, IT WAS STYROFOAM CHOC'LIT OR DOOM. With marshmallows. O, SARA, IS HE A CHUCK-TYPE? SARA CHUCK OF THE SCHMUCK-TYPE? I mourn for him. (Pause.) Anything could've happened. CHERYL HOT CHOC'LIT, HOT CHOC'LIT, I THOUGHT I'D REMIND HIM... BUT I COULDN'T FIND HIM, WE HAD SOMETHING GOOD GOING, BESIDES MY REAR END SHOWING, NOW I THINK I'M IN LOVE, SARA Not just with hats? CHERYL No! AND THE CONCESSION IS CLOSED. I have to find him! Where can I look? Maybe Chinatown. SARA Why below Union Square? There's no ice under there.

CHERYL Did I mention that he's Asian? I-3-21 SARA On no occasion. Oh...all Asian New Yorkers are in Chinatown? I'll call Brooklyn and Queens and let them know. Maybe he's Korean, or Vietnamese, or Japanese...or Thai. CHERYL He said something about a chopstick---in Chinese. Is that a stand-offish tone? Is big liberal sister an Asianphobicfone? SARA I'm the last to throw a stone. But he won't appeal to Fran. CHERYL Ma? ma-a-a and Tex-Mex ethnic Estéban? She wouldn't dare. SARA Whose mother are we talking about? And Buhbee---Grandma? CHERYL BUHBEE? THE FIND-A-BOYFRIEND, FIND-A-HUSBAND, FIND-A-SCHLEPPER, FIND-A-LEPER, OR A LAWYER, FIND-A-MAN-FOR-CHERYL- EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER? SARA Not the easiest way to find your man. CHERYL I want right, Sara, right, not like Morty... SARA Oh, please… CHERYL/SARA Morty…the lump of cheese. SARA Cheryl, you're not Joan of Arc, go back to Central Park! Or have something to eat!!!...Give the Asian nabes a try; and hang out at the rink. CHERYL Ya think?! SARA That's where he was. CHERYL Three nights a week, no classes---the Park. Chinatown, Sunset Park, Astoria, for daytime...If I'm lucky...he's bound to show up somewhere. I-3-22 CHERYL/SARA HOT CHOC'LIT, HOT CHOC'LIT, I/YOU THOUGHT I'D/YOU'D REMIND HIM… BUT I/YOU COULDN'T FIND HIM, WE/YOU HAD SOMETHING GOOD GOING, BESIDES MY/YOUR REAR END SHOW/ING, NOW I'M/YOU'RE IN LOVE, AND THE CONCESSION IS CLOSED.

BROWNOUT

I-4-23

ACT I SCENE 4 Late afternoon, one week later, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Costume Institute. Center Stage a bench facing a series of hats on pedestals. (A suggestion of cases can be offered.) JUSTIN and FRIENDS are discovered sketching. JUSTIN is seated on a bench C., his portfolio leaning on the bench, sketchbook open, pencil in hand, but neglecting to sketch. Enter CHERYL sporting one of her hats, carrying her portfolio and a take-out container of what is clearly Chinese food. SHE pauses, thinking. JUSTIN'S TWO FRIENDS look up at CHERYL but JUSTIN looks forward. Sections of the following song are sung to the PROTAGONISTS THEMSELVES facing the AUDIENCE, and parts to EACH OTHER. CHERYL/JUSTIN (Pondering desperately. To THEMSELVES.) No evening classes... CHERYL Monday, Wednesday, Friday. JUSTIN Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday. CHERYL/JUSTIN To the rink! Every moment I could spare, I lived for the moment s/he'd appear. CHERYL Amazing guy! JUSTIN Exciting girl! CHERYL/JUSTIN He was never there. Despair.

(SHE shrugs her shoulders, HE drops his head in gestures of despair. ) I-4-24 CHERYL/JUSTIN (CONT'D) But it's Saturday night! The minute my homework is finished, I'm outta here and over there. (THEY both energetically move, CHERYL stepping further forward into the room, JUSTIN putting pencil to paper. CHERYL spots JUSTIN, stands stock still.) SONG: THE WORLD'S WORST LOVE SONG CHERYL WHAT'S HE DOING HERE? I eat noodles and more noodles and practically sleep at Wollman's and he's at the Met?!

A MIRACLE! GIRL SCOUT LUCK! HE'S HERE, WITH A PORTFOLIO YET, WILL HE REMEMBER THAT WE MET? COOL IT. SEE IF HE'LL GO AHEAD.

(SHE advances toward JUSTIN'S bench and stands right behind HIM. SHE clears her throat. JUSTIN, working hard, wrapped up in the details of his sketch, is unaware of HER. SHE clears her throat more loudly. No response from JUSTIN. SHE walks around to the front of the bench, sits on the far side of it, as in the locker room but reversed. SHE opens her portfolio. HE continues to sketch, unaware. SHE begins to fool with her hat, bringing the sides of the brim down to frame her face. No response. SHE takes off the hat, fans HERSELF. No response. SHE begins to twirl the hat on one finger, apparently innocently, in a bored gesture, but it flies off, tapping JUSTIN. SHE stretches across to retrieve her hat. HE looks up.) JUSTIN

(To HIMSELF.) IT'S HER! WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE? I practically buy a bench at Wollman's, and she's at the Met?! JUSTIN (CONT'D) IT'S YEAR OF THE DRAGON LUCK! SHE'S HERE, WITH A PORTFOLIO YET, WILL SHE REMEMBER THAT WE MET? WHAT CAN BE SAID THAT WON'T BE MISREAD? I-4-25 CHERYL/JUSTIN (Facing the AUDIENCE.) WILL S/HE REMEMBER WE MET? NOW THAT WE'RE HERE...AT THE MET. (HE manages to react with fake surprise as HE turns to CHERYL.) JUSTIN The skating rink. The girl with the hat. CHERYL Right, first place, the world's worst ice-skater. (THEY laugh, a renewed synergy.) JUSTIN Hmm, another new hat. CHERYL I'm a hat maniac. JUSTIN Me, too. I'm a complete hat freak. GREAT HATS, MY DOWNFALL. MY...TRUE LOVE. CHERYL GREAT HATS, MY ALL-IN-ALL. YES...TRUE LOVE. (SHE turns to the AUDIENCE with an internal question.) Hats? Was Sara right? Is this my b'shert? (JUSTIN turns to the AUDIENCE with an internal monologue.) JUSTIN SO FAST, SO QUICK, SUDDENLY LIFE WITHOUT HER IS EATING WITH ONE CHOPSTICK, JUSTIN (CONT'D) KUNGFU WITH NO DROP KICK, BEING AT HOME AND STILL HOMESICK. I'M TRAPPED IN THE WORLD'S WORST LOVE SONG, LIKE A WONTON THAT'S WRAPPED UP ALL WRONG, NOT A MUSCLE OBEYS ME,

I-4-26 (To HIMSELF and CHERYL.)

'CAUSE I'M GOING CRAZY FOR YOU, FOR YOU.

(HE makes a decision to tell.) I looked for you in the lockers, but my family needed me. I had to leave. CHERYL Oh. Didn't notice. (Small pause. SHE smiles.) Well, hardly noticed. (JUSTIN turns away, speaking to HIMSELF, facing the AUDIENCE.) JUSTIN SOMEHOW WE CLICK, SUDDENLY LIFE WITHOUT HER COMES ON TOO SLOW OR TOO QUICK, SCARES ME SILLY, SCARES ME SICK, LIKE STICKY RICE, WE'RE GONNA STICK. SHE REMEMBERS THAT WE MET. CHERYL HE REMEMBERS THAT WE MET. CHERYL/JUSTIN NOW THAT WE'RE HERE...AT THE MET. FRIEND (A tease, seeing the fast attraction between the pair.) Apples and oranges, Justin. Oranges and apples. (JUSTIN shakes his head emphatically. Exit his FRIENDS.) JUSTIN They think any crap'll pull us apart. NO-ONE CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO, NO-ONE CAN STOP ME FROM LOVING YOU. (HE turns to CHERYL.) I-4-27 JUSTIN (CONT'D) I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU. I'M SINGING THE WORLD'S WORST LOVE SONG, SO WHAT IF THE WORDS ARE ALL WRONG, EVERY HEARTBEAT BETRAYS ME 'CAUSE IT'S BUMPING CRAZY FOR YOU, FOR YOU. IF THERE'S ANYTHING OKAY ABOUT THE WORDS I'M SAYING, IT'S BECAUSE OF WHO, WHOM, WHO, DARN! IT'S BECAUSE IT'S YOU I'M SINGING TO. CHERYL IT'S BECAUSE IT'S ME YOU'RE SINGING TO, JUSTIN IT'S YOU, CHERYL IT'S ME, CHERYL/JUSTIN YOU I'M SINGING TO. CHERYL/JUSTIN WE'RE SINGING THE WORLD'S WORST LOVE SONG, SO WHAT IF THE WORDS ARE ALL WRONG, EVERY HEARTBEAT BETRAYS ME 'CAUSE IT'S BUMPING CRAZY FOR YOU, I'M OH SO CRAZY FOR YOU. CHERYL (SHE pulls herself together, firmly puts her hand out for a shake.) Cheryl Roth, Fashion School of Technology, Accessory Design, Major, Millinery. (HE shakes her hand, coming out of his daze.) JUSTIN Cheryl Roth. Cheryl Roth?! You did take first place! For the Senior Spring Millinery Exhibit. CHERYL That's me. How...? I-4-28 JUSTIN Justin Chen, FST, Accessories Merchandising Major, Minor, Millinery Design. Did we...were we..Flat Pattern Contruction, two semesters ago...? CHERYL (A light dawns.) Oh yes...of course. Same class. Can I see? (JUSTIN pushes over his pad. SHE carefully scans JUSTIN'S sketch.) You reduced everything to one line? Very cool! JUSTIN (HE checks out CHERYL'S draft.) Incredible bling. You're a fantastic original! Meet me at the Caveman Café between classes on Tuesday? CHERYL I'll bring my portfolio. Bring yours. JUSTIN Totally. Your bling, my lines---we'll go into business together after we graduate. (THEY laugh. CHERYL'S next line is said with a touch of seriousness. SHE'S assessing her possible future with JUSTIN.) CHERYL Why not? 'Til Tuesday---you'll remember? JUSTIN Yeah, of course. I'd remember a date with you 'til the end of time. CHERYL Not bad for a guy who sings the world's worst love song. CHERYL/JUSTIN WE'RE SINGING THE WORLD'S WORST LOVE SONG, SO WHAT IF THE WORDS ARE ALL WRONG, EVERY HEARTBEAT BETRAYS ME 'CAUSE IT'S BUMPING CRAZY FOR YOU, I'M OH SO CRAZY FOR YOU. (THEY look into EACH OTHER'S eyes, as the lights fade. CHERYL and JUSTIN exit for a quick costume change.) I-5-29

ACT I SCENE 5

An altar some months later. The end of a wedding ceremony, Sunday afernoon. ALL enter quickly, illustrating that the ceremony is at its climax, INTERNS holding the traditional Judaic wedding canopy, a RABBI and MINISTER facing forward in front of the canopy, MEI, GUNG GUNG, FRAN, BUHBEE, placed where they can watch the wedding couple from each side in profile, SARA is the Bridesmaid. CHERYL and JUSTIN, in profile, stand under the canopy. ALL freeze as the tableau is completed. CHERYL and JUSTIN unlock the scene with their actions and refrain. CHERYL/JUSTIN

REPRISE: THE WORLD'S WORST LOVE SONG (JUSTIN places a ring on CHERYL'S finger. CHERYL places a ring on JUSTIN'S finger.)

I DO, I DO, LOVE YOU. (The NEWLYWEDS kiss. FRAN and MEI nod cooly to ONE ANOTHER, GUNG GUNG and BUHBEE smile graciously at EACH OTHER. WILLIE places a glass. JUSTIN stomps on it, customary at a Jewish wedding.) INTERNS/SARA/BUHBEE Mazel-tov. GUNG GUNG Ho, I know, rice! (HE throws some at the COUPLE, gives some to SARA and BUHBEE, who also throw some. FRAN and MEI break into tears. CLERGY exit inconspicuously. CHERYL and JUSTIN happily float out, followed by SARA, then exit GUNG GUNG and BUHBEE, chatting, GUNG GUNG protectively leading BUHBEE, his arm politely around her back. ) I-5-30 (FRAN and MEI stare at EACH OTHER, EACH bursts into more tears after a moment, and then reach out to ONE ANOTHER, exit dissolved in wedding-mother tears, with linked arms. The INTERNS congratulate EACH OTHER on a job well done, exit.) I-6-31

ACT I SCENE 6 Scrim is lowered, with the projection of an internet Mah Jongg game that changes as the participants call their 'tiles'. Four PLAYERS enter on Apron, open IPads, play internet Mah Jongg. EACH is in a different locale, two elderly FEMALES, BUBEE plus LILY, who has an Asian accent, and two elderly MALES, GUNG GUNG plus YUSSIE with a New York/New Jersey accent. BUHBEE One crack. LILY Four dot. My grandson graduates this week. PhD. YUSSIE Mine is already a doctor. Green. GUNG GUNG Mine in business. Make hats. Call. (ALL re-adjust hands, fast keyboarding fingers.) BUHBEE My granddaughter, too, hats. They married. Two bam. LILY Oooo. Grand-children married? Tricky. Five bam. YUSSIE Business tricky. West. LILY Business and marriage together? Ah, tricky tricky. Red. GUNG GUNG Call. That it! Marriage good. Business good. Mah Jongg. Huhn. BUHBEE Very nice hand. (BUHBEE and GUNG GUNG smile. PLAYERS exit.) I-7-32

ACT I SCENE 7

Early evening. Projection: the Avenue of the Americas, Greenwich Village, the annual Halloween Parade, MARCHERS, BATON TWIRLERS, FLOATS. COMPANY MEMBERS pass on a float, singing the first chorus as they pass.

SONG: THE HALLOWEEN PARADE

INTERNS THE HALLOWEEN PARADE! THE HALLOWEEN PARADE! IS THAT A LADDIE OR A LASSIE, A GAL WHO'S DRESSING UP REAL SASSY? EITHER WAY HE SURE LOOKS CLASSY, SOME THINGS IN LIFE WILL NEVER FADE, ONE OF THEM IS THIS PARADE. OH! THE HALLOWEEN PARADE. WILLIE Year One. Cheryl and Justin, ecstatic! (Float exits. INTERNS return as MARCHERS. Projection: Onscreen a Sashay Hat, Inc. label, logo, and a sign saying Year One, followed by flashes of innovative, stunning hats. Parade music tamps down. Music is muted when CHARACTERS speak. Enter CHERYL and JUSTIN. CHERYL in a hat as always.) CHERYL Our Anniversay! Sashay's Anniversary. I'm so thrilled! JUSTIN Happy first anniversary, partner. We're taking over the high-end hat market!! You and me. CHERYL Yes, yes, yes!! JUSTIN Sashay Hats, that's us! Me and brilliant you. CHERYL You are soooo nice, sweetie. (MARCHERS pass, catching CHERYL's eye.) I-7-33 CHERYL (CONT'D) Justin, look at the hats! EACH ONE SCREAMING 'WE'RE SO SASSY', JUSTIN Next to yours?! They're just brassy. You outclassy them all. CHERYL SASSY, SASSY, SASSY, SASSY, JUSTIN BRASSY, BRASSY, BRASSY, BRASSY. (THEY embrace.) WILLIE As I said, ecstasy itself! Parade-niks, Spectators: Who are the Chens? Straight out of FST, their Sashay Hats, Inc. re- designs the millinery industry. Good luck, Cheryl, ---Cantonese: How wan, Justin! ---Mandarin: How yun, Justin!

(CHERYL and JUSTIN snuggle enthusiastically and exit. Bare stage. Projection: Eminently wearable hats, JUSTIN and CHERYL in the factory with the INTERNS, creating hats, packing them, women of all ages and descriptions wearing them. Sign: Year 2) WILLIE Year Two. Ecstasy re-visited. (Re-enter MARCHERS, CHERYL and JUSTIN. In the following short sequence, their differences are borne with loving tolerance, but are beginning to show.) CHERYL THAT ONE! FIERCE! OUT THERE! BA-A-D-ASSY! JUSTIN Bad-assy? I go for classy. CHERYL Bad-assy is the new classy, silly! BAD-ASSY, ASSY, ASSY, ASSY,

JUSTIN CLASSY, CLASSY, CLASSY, CLASSY. I-7-34 (THEY kiss and exit. Projections: Logos of department stores, sales receipts, credit cards, cash and checks changing hands; covers of Women's Wear Daily/Vogue/Elle/ Harper's Bazaar/Seventeen blurbs and reviews. Sign: Year 3) MELANIE Year Three of revolution! The Chens are selling chapeaux in a market that's not been alive since...good golly, holly, the 1940's! Celebs are wearing hats! TORRANCE Hey, watch out, C and J, imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery. (CHERYL and JUSTIN enter first. Music up, MARCHERS go by in front of THEM, ONE wearing a hat similar to CHERYL's but grossly exaggerated.) CHERYL Omygosh! Look at that hat! JUSTIN (HE nods in another direction.) GREY? I LOVE THE GREY. MADE MY DAY. CHERYL Ah, the plain one. No. The one that's like mine. Huh... odd...like mine?

PURPLE, UNDER RHINESTONE PINK, MAAAD! JUSTIN (HE obviously refers to CHERYL'S hat.) That's the word for it. Slightly...mad. (THEY smile and peck, exit. Music stays up. Projection: busy streets with WOMEN ALL wearing hats similar to CHERYL'S, street carts with hats. CHERYL and JUSTIN re-enter as TWIRLERS walk by, music mutes. Sign: Year 4) JAMIE Ecstacy off center...? Four years in a row---uh-oh, the Chinese word for four,

---Cantonese: sei ---Mandarin: see I-7-35 MELANIE Same as the word 'death'. Tea leaves predict the death of the high-end hat market! TORRANCE Top designs are being stolen!...But by whom?... INTERNS THIEVING ZOMBIES MARCHING SCARY, GRABBING HATS FROM TOM, DICK, AND MARY, STEALING HATS FROM THE UNWARY, STILL, SOME THINGS IN LIFE WE WON'T TRADE, OH, THE HALLOWEEN PARADE. (Enter CHERYL and JUSTIN, talking.) CHERYL The street vendor hats! Like our last year's line! JUSTIN It's possible that someone's cashing in on our originals. (THEY halt, frown towards ONE ANOTHER, and exit thinking heavy thoughts. Sign: Year 5) TORRANCE Year Five! Ectasy on hold: Sashay hats copied into cheap-o knockoffs! Ho chun, Cheryl and Justin, too bad. WILLIE But! Luck doesn't run all bad...HATS OFF TO AMERICA!, the t.v. runway contest for Best Hat Designer of the Year is ratcheting up. Queen Cheryl and King Justin, turn your hats upside down---maybe they're lifeboats. (Enter CHERYL and JUSTIN, as another float goes by.) CHERYL The hats are wilder than ever this year! Even if the old designs were stolen, we'll do new ones for the t.v. show! Brand new!! Did you ever see anything so thrillingly fab? JUSTIN Sure. In comic books. When I was a kid. CHERYL That's it...like they were created by children, brilliant kids!

JUSTIN I outgrew that stage, happy to say. I-7-36 CHERYL Ah. (JUSTIN turns away.) JUSTIN LISTN'ING TO CHERYL, MY EYES GO GLASSY. (The INTERNS march through.) INTERNS GLASSY, GLASSY, GLASSY, GLASSY. JUSTIN HER REMARKS TURN MY STOMACH GASSY, INTERNS GASSY, GASSY, GASSY, GASSY, JUSTIN SHE PUTS WORDS, BAD-ASSY, OR MAAAD, SO… INTERNS CRASSLY, CRASSLY, CRASSLY, CRASSLY. (INTERNS exit.) CHERYL SMASHING HIGH TOQUE IN BRIGHT ORANGE 'N' RED? THAT'S A HAT I'D WEAR TO BED. With nothing else. Smokin'. JUSTIN IT'S FAR TOO UNGEHPATCHKED. YOU'RE jokin'. Too much bling. CHERYL There's never too much bling. SMOKIN'! SMOKIN'! SMOKIN'! SMOKIN'! JUSTIN JOKIN'! JOKIN'! JOKIN'! JOKIN'! We need that cash t.v. prize. Let's be plainspoken: We'll be broke! Best hat designer of the year. One of us has got to enter. And win.

CHERYL I'll enter. I'll win. Don't think about it. (SHE looks deeper into the crowd.) I-7-37 CHERYL (CONT'D) Hey, Dean Claggit, the Intern Supervisor---he doesn't need a Frankenstein mask. And Torrance, with Jamie and Willie. There's Melanie. Yoohoo, Melanie! The kids want jobs after they graduate. From us. JUSTIN Yeah, yeah, so they can nag me into having a website. CHERYL It's the Fashion School of Technology, high-tec, digital. If you thought mass appeal, maybe a Sashay website and a few tweets would sell a bunch more hats. JUSTIN I sell to dozens of stores. Maybe we're already selling hats to a few masses. CHERYL Recently? Besides, Sashay's more than money, money, and money, honey. JUSTIN Money? Gelt? What about the hat I made for you at the Spring trade show, the last word in understated elegance. Like a haiku. CHERYL A haiku. You appreciate literature, I like literature, but do buyers know from literature? That number would put them to sleep. JUSTIN Not if you glue on your cheap Thirty-Seventh Street schmutz, like you do whenever I'm schmoozing buyers. CHERYL It wakes them up, doesn't it? Stop speaking Yiddish! JUSTIN You don't want Yiddish? You appreciate literature? Okay, appreciate this: You walked into the showroom like the who-o-ore of Venice---Othello, Act IV, Scene II, Shakespeare! (Alternately: ...like the Mad Hatter, Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll, the book!) CHERYL We're going home. T.v. show or no t.v. show, I'm not taking you to this Parade anymore. I-7-38 INTERNS YOU KNOW WHEN PASSION STARTS TO FADE? IN FIVE YEARS' TIME, MON: LOVE'S BETRAYED. BEST CHANGE LEMONS TO LEMONADE, AT THE HALLOWEEN PARADE! OH, THE HALLOWEEN PARADE.

I-8-39

ACT I SCENE 8 Later that night. CHERYL'S and JUSTIN'S bedroom. Some spare furnishings: Coatstand UR, t.v. Two night tables, with lamps U and D of the bed. JUSTIN, in t-shirt and sweatpants, carries in a laundry basket from doorframe U. CHERYL, in t-shirt, sweatpants and hat, takes the basket, dumps the contents on the bed. THEY begin to sort laundry. SONG: THAT'S THE BITCH OF IT CHERYL YOU NEVER LIKED MY NOSE. YOU ALWAYS THOUGHT MY POINTY NOSE WAS UNAMERICAN, UNAMERICAN, IT TOOK FIVE YEARS TO KICK IN, THAT'S THE BITCH OF IT. JUSTIN IT'S MY EYES, ISN'T IT? YOU ALWAYS THOUGHT SLANTED EYES WERE UNAMERICAN, UNAMERICAN, NOW YOU'RE GETTING YOUR LICKS IN, THAT'S THE BITCH OF IT. CHERYL/JUSTIN IT'S MY FACE. YOU THINK I'M NOT A MEMBER OF THE HUMAN RACE. OUCH! THAT'S THE BITCH OF IT. (THEY dig for matching socks, comparing, throwing some aside.) JUSTIN WHERE'S THE ONE THAT GOES WITH THIS THING? CHERYL HERE. FOR TWO WEEKS IT'S BEEN MISSING. JUSTIN PLEASE PASS THAT BLACK SOCK. IT'S MINE.

CHERYL THAT'S NOT YOURS. IT'S MY CALVIN KLEIN. JUSTIN IT'S MY RALPH LAUREN. IT'S FOR MEN. I-8-40 (THEY both grab at it. The pull becomes a Tug o' War.) CHERYL KLEIN. MINE. LOOK! (SHE holds up another black sock.) JUSTIN LAUREN. MEN. LOOK! (HE pulls up another black. THEY BOTH eyeball the socks. Eyes go back and forth in sync two or three times.) CHERYL/JUSTIN Hard to tell. Can't tell. (THEY toss socks over their shoulders.) CHERYL YOU THINK I'M SOME KIND OF JAP--- JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS. JUSTIN OH YEAH? YOU THINK I'M A CHAP--- CHERYL A chap? What? JUSTIN CHINESE AMERICAN PRINCE. (HE flips into a CHARLIE CHAN stereotype.) Ah so, you haven't heard? CHERYL/JUSTIN WELL WIPE THAT CRAP RIGHT OUTTA YOUR HEAD. WHAT YOU GOT'S THE REAL ME INSTEAD, YOU WANT WHITE BREAD, GET OUTTA MY BED--- AND STOP BITCHIN' ABOUT IT. (JUSTIN unrolls a pair of argyle socks, one red- based, one green-based, same pattern.) JUSTIN RED-GREEN? WHAT DUMB SCHNOOK ROLLED UP THIS PAIR?

(CHERYL takes apart another pair of argyles, same mismatch.) I-8-41 CHERYL THE SAME DUMB SCHNOOK WHO ROLLED UP THIS PAIR. CHERYL/JUSTIN WRONG PAIR. YEAH. (THEY switch, roll up correct new pairs, toss them.) CHERYL TO YOU, I'M JUST A POINTY NOSE. (NOTE: Substitute 'bumpy' or other adjective for a CHERYL'S nose, depending on the ACTOR'S physiognomy.) JUSTIN TO YOU, I'M JUST EVIL EYES. CHERYL Oh, c'mon, Justin! That's so not true! JUSTIN Oh, yeah? You're the 'truth maven' here?! (HE looks her over, with subtle but evident appreciation of her body.) JUSTIN YOU'RE A BONDIT, Y'KNOW THAT? CHERYL YOU'RE A PAIN IN THE TUCHAS! (SHE looks HIM over, her look becoming more and more erotic.) Let's go to bed. (JUSTIN returns her look, and licks his lips with clear sexual intent.) JUSTIN Let's. CHERYL/JUSTIN YEAH! (THEY push the laundry off the bed, glare at EACH OTHER, deliberately jump onto the bed on their knees, sing into EACH OTHER'S faces while ripping off the OTHER'S clothes.) I-8-42 CHERYL/JUSTIN (CONT'D) A FLUKE. FINI. KAPOOT. MOOT. (THEY clinch into a long, hot, loud kiss. Release. JUSTIN knocks off CHERYL'S hat. Facing the AUDIENCE.) THAT'S THE BITCH OF IT!!! (THEY turn back to EACH OTHER, dive into the bedding.) BLACKOUT I-9-43

ACT I SCENE 9 Monday morning. Sashay Hats, Inc. Onstage is the factory. The office is offstage R, the showroom offstage L. A computer is set up on a rolling cart; TORRANCE is typing. The INTERNS are busily bringing in fabrics and trims, storing them, adding touches to half- finished hats on head-forms, sewing on an industrial sewing machine under SARA's supervision. WILLIE swings TORRANCE around from his computer. SONG: SO IMPORTANT TORRANCE FST ASSIGNED US TO SASHAY, BEST HAT-FACT'RY OF THE DAY, NO SORRY RINKY-DINK SHOP, HOORAY! SASHAY, INC., WHAT AN AWESOME YEAR! SARA FIRST, WE GET TH'FALL TRADE SHOW IN GEAR, THEN T.V. RUNWAY FOR MILL'N'RY WEAR! NO BETTER TIME TO RAISE A CHEER! HIP HIP, HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY!! HIP HIP HOORAY!!! (The INTERNS let the last cheer go entirely sour. SARA walks behind one of the fabric shelves with an Ipad or tablet, categorizing.) WILLIE SH-SH-SH, THE VIBES AT SASHAY INC.-Y R'PISSY, BLAH, AND FRIGGIN' FINK-Y, IF THE TRADE SHOW HATS COME UP STINK-Y T.V. FANS ALL WILL THIN-KY EACH HAT LOOKS LIKE A FREAKIN' TWIN-KY. SASHAY'S HEADIN' FOR BANK-RUPT-SINK-Y. SINKY, SINKY, SINKY, SINKY. (SARA interrupts, having a good idea of what WILLIE'S been singing.) SARA YOU'RE SO IMPORTANT, YOU'RE SO IMPORTANT IT'S NOT IMPORTANT IF IT'S NOT AT SASHAY INC. YOUR LOSS IS THEIR LOSS, THEIR LOSS IS YOUR LOSS, STEAM EV'RY SEAM JUST THE WAY THEY SAY. I-9-44 JAMIE BUT CHERYL WON'T LET US LIFT A PINK-Y TO PULL SASHAY BACK FROM THE BRINK-Y, THEY'RE GONNA ROLL DOWN LIKE A SLINKY, 'CAUSE JUSTIN THINKS A WEBSITE'S KINKY, TORRANCE CHERYL THINKS WHATEVER JUSTIN THIN-KY'S, MELANIE THEY'RE GONNA DROWN IN RED IN-KY. INKY, INKY, INKY, INKY. SARA IT'S SO IMPORTANT, IT'S SO IMPORTANT, WINNING T.V. CASH FOR SASHAY INC. THEIR WIN IS YOUR WIN, YOUR WIN IS THEIR WIN, EV'RY SEAM SUPREME JUST THE WAY THEY SAY! EVERY ROW SEWED WITH NOT A STITCH SHOWED, EVERY BRIM A HYMN TO STYLE AND PANACHE, EVERY RIM ROLLED WITH NOT A STITCH SHOWED, NO FLIMSY TRIM CAN FALL OFF LIKE GLUED-ON KNOCK-OFF TRASH. INTERNS IT'S NOT IMPORTANT, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT, NOT A THING'S IMPORTANT IF IT'S NOT AT SASHAY INC., THEIR DREAM IS OUR DREAM, OUR DREAM IS THEIR DREAM, EV'RY DAY IS THEIRS, UNTIL WE GRADUATE! UNTIL WE GRADUATE! (The INTERNS go back to their various jobs.) TORRANCE C and J, best hat designers around---whichever one enters the t.v. contest, with my graphics on our 'whenever' website, can Sashay's sales not hit the moon? MELANIE So one of them wins---nothing online! Sashay is the only fashion house in New York without a website or a blog. WILLIE Sashay is the only thing in the world without a website and a blog. Justin is a scaredy cat, don't know where his ass is at. SARA First the trade show. The invitations have to go out. (TORRANCE types furiously on the keyboard. JAMIE looks on.) I-9-45 MELANIE (Peering at the screen.)

The media!? Women's Wear Daily. Vogue. Elle. Jersey/Connecticut papers, network and cable? JAMIE Blogs, Facebook. YouTube. Tweets. Twitter. Blasts. SARA They exist, we invite. INTERNS IT'S NOT IMPORTANT, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT, NOT A THING'S IMPORTANT IF IT'S NOT AT SASHAY INC., THEIR DREAM IS OUR DREAM, OUR DREAM IS THEIR DREAM, EV'RY DAY IS THEIRS, UNTIL WE GRADUATE! WILLIE The devil Dean will check on us. He won't have a Sashay website to stick up his--- JAMIE Ears. SARA Move on. Two weeks more. No winner, we won't need a website. (SARA turns her back to label bolts.) WILLIE Best designs, Cheryl's or Justin's? SARA Pull down the shades. JAMIE You think someone will steal them right here from the factory? SARA Y'never know. (Looking over his shoulder, WILLIE hustles up the design drafts.) WILLIE Cheryl's.

(ALL scrutinize them, tilting and contorting.) TORRANCE They didn't teach us that at FST. I-9-46 MELANIE I never saw so many sequins on one hat. WILLIE Oh, ding dong. Justin's. JAMIE I hope the gal who wears it won't mind being called Ms. Potatohead. (Enter JUSTIN. HE picks up Cheryl's draft, is jarred. INTERNS, brightly.) INTERNS Hi, Justin. Velour arrived, sizing stiffener called, on its way. JUSTIN Impossible. Impossible. Hi kids, Sara.

(HE speaks to HIMSELF. SARA nods, keeps labeling, back turned, glances over her shoulder.) What is she thinking! Pointy top, trim spilling from the bottom, shoulder length!? Looks like the Washington Monument. The voters'll kick us in the teeth. (Enter CHERYL as JUSTIN crumples and drops the draft. HE exits to the office, SL, slamming the door. The INTERNS cover for HIM.) INTERNS Hey, Cheryl. Felt dropped off, straw not. Call Guatemala? We ordered lunch. Justin is in, he… CHERYL I know. I saw him. Hi sis. (SHE picks up her draft, exits to the showroom, SR, slams the door.) SARA (To INTERNS.) Justin is in? Don't you think she has eyes? (CHERYL'S voice is heard through the showroom door.) CHERYL Estéban? Extra rice, huge container of guacamole. No diet Coke. Regular. Thanks. SARA Omygod. Regular Coke! I-9-47 (Enter DEAN CLAGGIT. The INTERNS snap to.) TORRANCE Dean Claggit! DEAN CLAGGIT Okey dokey. How's Sashay, Inc.'s favorite designer? (HE noses through the laid-out drafts, slight sneer.) Cheryl or Justin? You, my little angels, better prime one of 'em for the t.v. wing-ding, these spell 'floperoo, floperoo, floperoo'. (HE exits. SARA slams the door after HIM, with the biggest and most vengeful/resentful bang of the three slammed doors. Spots up on the showroom and office spaces. CHERYL picks up a draft.) CHERYL We made love last night! This morning, he crushes my work. Nothing was wrong with that sketch, the hat's phenomenal for t.v. SONG: LISTEN TO ME CHERYL WHAT'S TO SHOW HIM? AFTER FIVE YEARS OF MARRIAGE, AFTER FIVE YEARS HE KNOWS WHAT I KNOW. HE DISSED MY WORK IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. WHAT, HE'S DAFT NOW? AFTER FIVE YEARS OF BUSINESS, AFTER FIVE YEARS OF CUTTING-EDGE CRAFT? MY DRAFTS ARE AS GOOD AS HIS. THE NERVE OF THAT STUNT WITH THE KIDS. WHAT DID I HAVE FIVE YEARS AGO WHEN WE WERE PERFECT...WHEN WE WERE 'ON' . WHATEVER IT WAS, LIKE A BREEZE, ALL GONE. WHY WON'T HE LISTEN TO ME? (Lights up on JUSTIN in the office, at the rolling cart with the computer.) JUSTIN In this market? The figures tell the story. IS SHE DAFT NOW? AFTER FIVE YEARS OF BUSINESS, FIVE YEARS!---WHAT THE F... KIND OF DRAFT?! HER CRAFT DOWN THE TUBES, AMID LAYERS OF CRAP. FOR SURE NO BIDS. I-9-48 CHERYL/JUSTIN WHAT DID I HAVE FIVE YEARS AGO WHEN WE WERE PERFECT..WHEN WE WERE 'ON'? WHATEVER IT WAS, LIKE A BREATH, ALL GONE. WHY WON'T S/HE LISTEN TO ME?

WHAT AM I DOING THAT'S SCREWING IT UP? WHY WON'T S/HE LISTEN TO ME? WHAT DID I HAVE FIVE YEARS AGO THAT S/HE FOUND RIGHT, MADE US ONE? IS IT ALL DONE? S/HE'S NOT LIST'NING TO ME. S/HE'S NOT LIST'NING TO ME. I-10-49

ACT I SCENE 10 FRAN'S apartment for dinner. Table, chairs, a telephone table DL, rug. A fruit-bowl centerpiece. CHERYL, in small hat, is seated next to FRAN. JUSTIN is seated between CHERYL and BUHBEE. There are three doors, SR main door from the hallway, C kitchen door, and closet door frame right next to it. BUHBEE Nem mahr, bubeleh? JUSTIN More, Pau Pau? I can't fit it on my plate. FRAN (To JUSTIN, across CHERYL.) Light or dark meat? CHERYL/JUSTIN (Simultaneously.) Light. CHERYL (To JUSTIN.) You know I always eat the breast. JUSTIN Dark. SARA One light, one dark, drumsticks for Buhbee and me. FRAN (To CHERYL.) Broccoli or cauliflower? CHERYL/JUSTIN Broccoli. Cauliflower. I-10-50 (FRAN mistakenly delivers the wrong vegetable to EACH.) JUSTIN (Picking at the cauliflower on his plate. To CHERYL.)

You know I never eat cauliflower. FRAN Ooops. CHERYL (Forking the cauliflower onto her plate, shoving broccoli onto JUSTIN'S plate.) My mother doesn't track your eating habits. SARA One cauliflower. One broccoli. Settled?

FRAN So, Cheryl, Justin, Sara, how are the trade show hats? Just before the t.v. contest! How exciting! Which of you is submitting for 'Hats Off to America'!? (SARA signals FRAN---'don't go there.') JUSTIN Good, good. We haven't decided... (Snort from CHERYL. SARA jumps in.) SARA Buhbee bought bananas and grapes for dessert. An A-1 healthy great-grandma! BUHBEE Ist organic.

(SHE solicitously gives JUSTIN a banana.) For later. CHERYL Trade show hats? Atrocious. Unimaginative. Oooo, I'm nauseous. (JUSTIN chokes. A wave of nausea overcomes CHERYL.)

JUSTIN Nauseous, huh? Because they're less flamboyant and the market is turning more conservative? I-10-51 CHERYL The market needs to break out, the voters want the winner to have fun. We make hats, we're supposed to help. JUSTIN If we all had her business sense, we'd be broke. CHERYL I have no business sense?! My mother is the Executive Director of Amy's Lacies, the second-largest lingerie catalogue and internet company in the world. JUSTIN My mother owns the best women's specialty shop in Hong Kong. Soon to open in Shanghai! CHERYL Your mother's store sells polyester! JUSTIN Your mother's company sells crotchless panties! FRAN Good grief! What do your mothers have to do with it? Either one of you! CHERYL Here's what your new hats look like, Justin. Flat! Flat. Flat. (SHE squashes a bunch of grapes on his plate. JUSTIN stands, raises his banana and zips down the peel, thrusting it repeatedly into CHERYL'S face.) And here's yours! Phallic! Phallic. Phallic. (CHERYL snags the banana, raises it on high.) CHERYL Banana phallic is better than no phallic at all! Oh, I'm sick. (SHE drops the banana and collapses back into her chair.) JUSTIN I better go. FRAN How can you go? I haven't served coffee yet.

(CHERYL gags.) CHERYL Give him tea. I-10-52 (Small gasps from FRAN, SARA, BUHBEE. JUSTIN turns on CHERYL.) JUSTIN I drink coffee. That's just like you---a cheap ethnic slur. Thanks for the dinner, Mom. Buhbee. Sara. (With a quick hug for EACH, JUSTIN exits.) FRAN/SARA Cheryl! (CHERYL stands up, bursts into a wail, and sinks back down into her chair, covering her mouth. SARA empties the fruit bowl, shoves it under CHERYL'S face, turns CHERYL's back to the AUDIENCE. CHERYL heaves.) FRAN I'm calling China. INTERNS WHO THOUGHT THIS COUPLE COULD EVER UNCOUPLE? DINNER WAS ONCE EASY TO SHARE, WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE, WHAT HAPPENS TO LOVE? I-11-53

ACT I SCENE 11

Immediately post dinner. CHERYL and JUSTIN'S bedroom. Frustrated and angry, JUSTIN slams in. Suggested actions: clicks on his lamp, throws his coat onto the coat rack, clicks on the t.v., changes channels with a remote, takes off his shirt, dons a sweatshirt, plumps down, sits up, kicks off his shoes, changes the channel, pulls off his pants, watches, makes a helpless gesture at the t.v., tosses the remote, grabs a throw, runs his hands through his hair, lies down on top of the covers pulling the throw over his legs, and, back to the AUDIENCE, facing Upstage, turns off his lamp. Enter CHERYL. SHE sees JUSTIN, removes scarf, coat, hangs them on the coat rack, looks at JUSTIN more closely. HE appears to be asleep. SHE clicks on his lamp, takes off her hat, tosses it on the bed downstage of JUSTIN, onto her side of the bed. Underscoring the entire scene is the music of LISTEN TO ME. SONG: LISTEN TO ME Refrain CHERYL WHAT DID I HAVE FIVE YEARS AGO THAT GOT YOU TURNED ON? (JUSTIN moves, indicating an awareness of CHERYL. CHERYL attempts a tentative but serious seduction: SHE starts to undress facing JUSTIN until SHE'S wearing nothing but the briefest teddy. SHE slowly takes off her hat, throws it aside D, onto her side of the bed. JUSTIN pulls the throw up along his torso, turns D, away from CHERYL, and covers his face with it.) NOW YOU'RE OFFENDED SO WHOOSH, IT'S ALL GONE...?

(After a long pause, SHE unhooks a robe from the stand, swaddles HERSELF in it and crosses around the bed, D, to her side. SHE slips under the covers, turns to HIM. HE turns his back to HER, faces U. SHE turns D, facing the AUDIENCE. ) I-11-54 (SHE picks up the hat, pulls it on, clicks off her light and continues to sing into the darkened room.) CHERYL WHEN DID HE STOP LIST'NING TO ME? WHEN, WHEN, WHEN WILL HE START KISSING ME? I-12-55

ACT I SCENE 12

Post dinner New York time, morning in Hong Kong. Split stage, FRAN in New York, MEI in Hong Kong. FRAN, on speakerphone, punches in numbers and clears dinner left-overs, MEI, speakerphone on, answers, chops and sorts. FRAN Hello, Mei. Can you hear me? I'm on speakerphone. MEI Ohhh, loud and clear. I can turn you up. Why call me, Fran? Cheryl pregnant? FRAN Pregnant? Oh I don't think so! They're so disrepectful. MEI Justin would not be disrepectful to an older person. FRAN Neither would Cheryl. FRAN/MEI That goes completely against our culture. FRAN They're fighting with each other! MEI But they're passionately in love. They're silly with love. FRAN No more. Bicker, bicker, bicker! The dinner I went through tonight. And the business! MEI The business! Speak to your daughter. FRAN Speak to your son.

FRAN/MEI We'll both speak. FRAN Come to New York, Mei. You'll stay with me. I-12-56 MEI I cannot come, Fran. I'm dating. FRAN Oh, Mei, I've been so alone in this struggle. You're dating? MEI If I come to America, I lose Howie. Shirt exporter from New Jersey. Jewish. Youn-n-ng. You're dating? FRAN Of course! My Estéban, owner of a gourmet dining establishment. Biling-u-al. You'll…share a room with Howie? MEI Ah, Howie's very considerate, nice, but never makes unacceptable advances. He'll double up with grandpa, Gung Gung. You…sleep with Estéban? FRAN Oh, no, dear Estéban, he's very considerate too. Sensitive. Tries so hard not to be the macho Latin lover. I'll sleep with my mother. FRAN/MEI Estéban/Howie. Sensitive. Considerate. MEI Gung Gung's crazy with internet Mah Jongg when he's not teaching T'ai Chi. You'd think he's in love. FRAN You're telling me! We bought my mother her own tablet. (THEY both laugh.) MEI We'll come now, bring Howie, good idea man, he'll get Cheryl and Justin together. I'll call the airline. No problem! (FRAN and MEI hang up.) FRAN (Counting her glasses, utensils, plates.) No divorce in my family, except Sara. (SHE shrugs.)

Niece Jenny's fifth is a billionaire, so we don't count that one. Uncle Jessie's completed her transition to Aunt Jessie, so Uncle Neil works out fine. I-12-57 (MEI Cleans up her board, pans, knife.) MEI No divorce in my family. Sell off old wife, like it used to be. If she cooks. Ha, Cheryl!? Too bad, Justin, no money for a new wife! Poor Fran, I give her a month, maybe two, poor Fran. FRAN Poor Mei. I give her a year, maybe two, poor Mei. (MEI punches a number into her phone.) MEI Hello? United Airlines/Air China? I-13-58

ACT I SCENE 13 The Sashay factory, next morning, with the intense hum of sewing machines, CHERYL---hatted--and JUSTIN are working from separate bases, SR and SL, but rush across to check details and seek particular materials. The INTERNS helping EACH trail THEM, SARA peeping out from the boxes and shelves of supplies, brilliantly anticipating what artifact is needed and handing it to WHOMEVER needs it. CHERYL and JUSTIN bump and freeze. All noise stops, the INTERNS step onto the Apron. SONG: TWENTY-FOUR/SEVEN INTERNS PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE BEING A COUPLE, PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE BEING A PAIR. TIME LEAVES THEM LESS PLIANT AND SUPPLE, IDEAS WERE ONCE EASY TO SHARE, BUT WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE, WHAT HAPPENS TO LOVE? (CHERYL and JUSTIN break, join THEM.) CHERYL WHO THOUGHT WE HAD HEAVEN ON EARTH? JUSTIN I'M A LIFER IN LEAVENWORTH, Except for the bathroom, (HE looks up.) Thank you. (A doorframe and toilet seat is lowered Center, representing the door to the bathroom. JUSTIN enters, sits on the toilet seat, underwear intact, picks up a magazine.)

CHERYL (Bangs on the doorframe.) I-13-59 CHERYL (CONT'D) Are you ever going to get out of there? (JUSTIN stretches his legs, opens the magazine with a relaxed sigh, yells.) JUSTIN Yeah, yeah, coming. (HE smiles and continues to flip the pages.) CHERYL TWENTY-FOUR/SEVEN, AGING AND WEATHERED, TOGETHER! Well, finally you're out. I'm going in! We don't have all the time in the world, y'know. INTERNS PEOPLE IN TROUBLE ARE OFTEN UNSUPPLE, JUSTIN KEPT CHERYL OUTSIDE AND WAITING, NOT THE BEST PRACTICE WHEN YOU'RE A PAIR AND FAMILY'S FLYING DOWN FROM THE AIR. (JUSTIN folds the magazine, flushes the toilet, pops out of the doorframe. CHERYL pops in, pulls down her pants, underwear intact, and sits, snuggling down with a mirror. JUSTIN bangs on the door.) JUSTIN Cheryl, let's go. The airport! (CHERYL tweezes her eyebrows leisurely. SHE calls.) CHERYL Almost ready. JUSTIN TWENTY-FOUR/SEVEN, HOG-TIED AND TETHERED, TOGETHER! (CHERYL pulls up pants, exits the bathroom.) CHERYL EXCEPT WHEN YOU CALL YOUR MOTHER. JUSTIN EXCEPT WHEN YOU TEXT YOUR SISTER.

CHERYL/JUSTIN ONE HUNDRED FIFTY-SEVEN MILLION, SEVEN HUNDRED EIGHTY-FOUR THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED THIRTY SECONDS TOGETHER. I-13-60 CHERYL/JUSTIN (CONT'D) A BILLION, TRILLION, GADZILLION, NANO-NANO-NANO FECUND NANO-SECONDS TOGETHER! TARRED AND FEATHERED! TOGETHER! INTERNS CHERYL HAS TROUBLE BEING PART OF A COUPLE, JUSTIN HAS TROUBLE BEING PART OF A PAIR, TIME LEFT THEM LESS LOVING AND SUPPLE, DEAR CHERYL, DEAR JUSTIN, FORGOT THAT GREAT---WHAT? (Suddenly, CHERYL and JUSTIN jump back to the factory, look at their watches.) INTERNS THAT GREAT, WHAT WAS IT?---THEY USED TO SHARE. CHERYL 11:20! Plane's almost down! Why didn't you warn me? JUSTIN You never listen to me!! We're late! Should have set my cell alarm. CHERYL Hurry! Sara, c'mon, we've got to pick up Mom and Buhbee. (Exit CHERYL, JUSTIN, SARA.) I-14-61

ACT I SCENE 14 Mah Jongg. YUSSIE My son, PhD., Doctor, better than business. Seven dot. GUNG GUNG Hunh. Better to figure out how to make better business, that what better. Hunh. East. LILY Three crack. BUHBEE Mah Jongg! GUNG GUNG Very nice. Concealed hand. I not guess. BUHBEE Danke schoen. T'ank you. Good tiles. GUNG GUNG Still, I not guess. Smart play, no show, and win.

(Mah Jongg babble, some grumbling, some cheerful, some resigned. BUHBEE and GUNG GUNG smile. The projection vanishes. ALL exit.) I-15-62

ACT I SCENE 15

Early afternoon.CHERYL, JUSTIN, FRAN, BUHBEE, ESTÉBAN at an airport gate. Airport noises, Ladies Room sign. FRAN Over there! Over there! JUSTIN I see them. Au kin doe quoi dey. MaMa! Gung Gung! (Enter MEI, HOWIE, GUNG GUNG. JUSTIN rushes to embrace MEI briefly and turns to GUNG GUNG. HE bows to GUNG GUNG and performs 'White Crane Spreads Wings', a T'ai Chi figure, for his GRANDFATHER, letting it melt into a hearty embrace. CHERYL takes MEI's hands.) CHERYL Lai Lai! I'm so excited! Nei hou, Lai Lai. MEI Cheryl, my best daughter-in-law. Nog gei hou. You speak Cantonese! (Huge hug. JUSTIN looks pleased, though HE tries to hide it.) FRAN (FRAN opens her arms.) Mei! (MEI extends one arm to bring GUNG GUNG closer, and with the other, brings HOWIE closer. HOWIE'S outstretched arms are burdened with pricey leather bags; he looks like a pocketbook tree. GUNG GUNG looks at BUHBEE.) MEI Fran! You remember Gung Gung. GUNG GUNG Wo ho hoy sum gene doe nay--- I-15-63 MEI And this here with gifts is Howie. FRAN Hello-o-o!

(FRAN brings ESTÉBAN forward. BUHBEE and GUNG GUNG greet, drift to the one side of the stage.)

Mei and Howie, this is my friend Estéban. (ESTÉBAN gives short shrift to his handshake with MEI, HOWIE is equally quick with FRAN, and then, looking at each other for a split-second longer than necessary, the two MEN shake hands with EACH OTHER, smile. ESTÉBAN helps HOWIE remove bags, as HOWIE speaks, the PAIR move away.) HOWIE I'm in shirts. What do you do? (ESTÉBAN appraises HOWIE'S shirt, and torso.) ESTÉBAN In shirts? Mmm, shirts. Restaurateur. HOWIE My my! I'm a foodie! We have so much to talk about! ESTÉBAN Sí, Cheryl and Justin...? HOWIE Exactly what I meant, Cheryl and Justin. (HOWIE shepherds ESTÉBAN to the other side of the stage.) CHERYL Oh no, someone kidnapped Buhbee and Gung Gung. (JUSTIN spots GUNG GUNG and BUHBEE. BUHBEE is clearly asking GUNG GUNG about the figure JUSTIN peformed before he hugged his GRANDFATHER. GUNG GUNG explains White Crane Spreads Wings to BUHBEE and shows her a few more poses, which SHE tries to imitate, giggling with self-consciousness.)

JUSTIN That's nutty. They're over there. Best buddies. Look, he's teaching her T'ai Chi. I-15-64 CHERYL Nutty? FRAN What happened to Estéban? MEI Where did Howie go? (ESTÉBAN and HOWIE look up, wave.) FRAN The boys are getting along beautifully. (SHE squeezes MEI's arm happily.) JUSTIN Cheryl, take everyone outside. I'll get the car. CHERYL Nutty me gets everyone outside. You get the car. (SHE touches her stomach, withdraws her hand quickly. Nobody notices.) JUSTIN That's what I just said, isn't it? Isn't it? ESTÉBAN I'll get my van for the luggage. HOWIE I'll help. (JUSTIN exits, ESTÉBAN and HOWIE follow. BUHBEE and GUNG GUNG come up, chuckling.) CHERYL Go ahead everybody, I'll be right there. (CHERYL runs toward the Ladies' Room, hand on abdomen. SARA throws an anxious look behind her at CHERYL.) FRAN We'll have dinner at my house, then a good talk with these stubborn children. MEI We'll have dinner at Edward's restaurant. Why bother yourself. (Exit ALL.) I-16-65

ACT I SCENE 16

FRAN and MEI are Center Stage on the Apron, singing to the AUDIENCE. Behind them is a split stage. CHERYL is in an apartment, JUSTIN is in the factory/showroom.) SONG: 37TH STREET FRAN/MEI FIRST THEY KILL THE BUS'NESS. THEN EACH OTHER, THEN…US. MEI WHEN HE SAID HE MET….A JEWISH GIRL… FRAN CHINESE BOY… MEI NO PROBLEM, OVER FAST, DON'T FUSS, NOT ME. KIDS REBEL, FOR THEM, BIG PLUS, NO PROBLEM. FRAN NO PROBLEM, JAKE REELED IN HIS GRAVE, NOT ME, NO INDEED. I FORGAVE. NO PROBLEM. (The MOTHERS break apart, singing as each crosses towards her offspring's space.) MEI THE CHILDREN WILL LOOK LIKE WHICH SIDE? FRAN BUT GOOD-LOOKING GROOM, PRETTY BRIDE… FRAN/MEI IN THIS KIND OF BREAK-UP NO-ONE WINS, (EACH is at the extreme L or R of stage. Pause.)

FRAN BREAK-UP: NO COUSINS FOR SARA'S TWINS. MEI BREAK-UP: THEN WHEN MY GRANDCHILD BEGINS? I-16-66 FRAN SO WHAT IF HE'S NOT AL-L-L THAT JEWISH... MEI SO WHAT IF SHE'S NOT ABSOLUTELY CHINESE… FRAN/MEI NO PROBLEM. (THEY enter CHERYL'S and JUSTIN'S spaces.) FRAN PILLOW-TALK TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, YOU'RE PUSHED AND PULLED AT WORK, RILED UP. CHERYL TALKING MEANS WE RAVE, AND-OR DISPARAGE. NO LOVE LOST. FRAN Sara's willing to take on more responsibility. To ease up on you. MEI EV'RY DAY YOU SLAVE--VACATION! IT'S UPS AND DOWNS AT WORK, PILED UP. JUSTIN WHERE TO? CHERYL'S PRIVATE CONSTELLATION? No love there. MEI Sara's a good manager, trust her, love takes time. CHERYL WHERE'S THE BOY WHO SWEPT ME OFF MY FEET, WHO STEPPED WITH ME, KEPT WITH ME, NEVER MISSED A BEAT, LOST ON THIRTY-SEVENTH STREET. JUSTIN WHERE'S THE GIRL WHO SWEPT ME OFF MY FEET, WHO SLEPT WITH ME, SCHLEPPED WITH ME, NEVER MISSED A BEAT, LOST ON THIRTY-SEVENTH STREET. FRAN/MEI NAME A SINGLE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT HIM/HER.

I-16-67 JUSTIN TRIMS: NO MATTER WHAT BLING SHE NEEDS OR DESIRES, SHE GETS ANY-AMOUNT DISCOUNTS--- SHE'S GREAT WITH SUPPLIERS. MEI GREAT WITH SUPPLIERS? THAT'S WHAT YOU LOVE? OKAY, SUPPLIERS. SO WHY INSULT HER? ANGRY PEOPLE DON'T SLEEP TOGETHER. CHERYL SALES: HE'S GOT THIS CHARM THE CLIENT ADMIRES, HE GETS BUNCHES, COUNTLESS ACCOUNTS--- HE'S GREAT WITH THE BUYERS. FRAN CHARMING WITH BUYERS? THAT'S WHAT YOU LOVE? OKAY, BUYERS, BUT WHY INSULT HIM? CRANKY PEOPLE DON'T SLEEP TOGETHER. (CHERYL and JUSTIN turn to ONE ANOTHER, though THEY can't see the OTHER.) CHERYL/JUSTIN LIKE LITTER WHIRLING ON CONCRETE, WE'RE TORN UP BITS THAT NEVER MEET, BLIND REMNANTS OF WHAT ONCE WAS SWEET, WE'RE LOST ON THIRTY-SEVENTH STREET. FRAN/MEI SO? COMMON GROUND'S NOT ONLY FOUND ON THIRTY-SEVENTH STREET. GO HOME AND LOWER EV'RY LIGHT, FEED EACH OTHER ONE SPECIAL BITE, TRY A LITTLE KISS BY CANDLELIGHT, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT TRUE LOVE IS LIKE, THAT'S WHAT CAN SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. CHERYL I've got it, Ma, what an idea! JUSTIN I have it Ma Ma, hit me so clear, CHERYL/JUSTIN I'll change my style for the trade show! To his/hers! I'll do it his/her way. CHERYL Mine will look like his, in perfect scale. JUSTIN Mine will be hers, in overwhelming detail! I-16-68 CHERYL/ JUSTIN Then s/he'll know how much I love her/him. FRAN/MEI NO, THAT WON'T WORK, ONLY MORE HATS! THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT, YOU HAVE TO FORGET THIRTY-SEVENTH STREET AT NIGHT, FORGET SASHAY, THIRTY-SEVENTH STREET--- FORGET THIRTY-SEVENTH STREET AT NIGHT, REMEMBER ONLY EACH OTHER--- THAT'S THE WAY TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

END OF ACT I II-1-69

ACT II SCENE 1

Two weeks later at the factory, dressed up as a showroom. Projections: tables laden with food platters, drinks, and hat displays, a crowd milling around them. On the apron are hatstands holding absurd spring millinery, CHERYL, JUSTIN, FRAN, MEI, SARA, ESTÉBAN, HOWIE, are onstage. The INTERNS and DEAN CLAGGIT, in the projection, move about. The INTERNS' voices are pre-recorded. The AUDIENCE is addressed by the onstage cast as though it was composed of buyers. Background noise of cross conversation. MEI Ai, ya! SONG: NADA, NOTHING, MO YEAH, BUPKIS ESTÉBAN/HOWIE/FRAN/MEI/SARA NADA, NOTHING, NADA, BUPKIS, NOTHING'S GELLING, NOTHING'S SELLING, NADA, NOTHING, MO YEAH, HOWIE Whatever she says. (HE'S clearly referring to MEI.) ESTÉBAN/HOWIE/FRAN/MEI/SARA BUPKIS, NO-ONE'S BUYING, WE'RE ALL CRYING. INTERNS V.O. WE'VE GOT BUYERS DOOR-TO-DOOR, THEY'VE TURNED OUT FROM EVERY STORE, WE'VE GOT PRESS AND PADS AND PENCILS, (DEAN CLAGGIT wanders through, looking at the hats.) INTERNS BUT THE DEAN IS LOOKING SORE. NADA, NOTHING, NADA, BUPKIS, NOTHING'S GELLING, NOTHING'S SELLING. NADA, NOTHING, MO YEAH, BUPKIS, NO-ONE'S BUYING, WE'RE ALL CRYING. II-1-70 ESTÉBAN/HOWIE/FRAN/MEI/SARA (To the AUDIENCE.) IF YOU MADE A LITTLE MARK ON THE LITTLE BOX IN THE LITTLE SPACE MADE FOR A LITTLE MARK, IF YOU PUT A LITTLE 'X' ON THE LITTLE SPACE MADE FOR THE LITTLE MARK, THE LITTLE 'X' IN THE LITTLE BOX WOULD PLACE AN ORDER.

(Projection: the INTERNS rush trays to the DEAN.) JAMIE Hor d'oeuvres? MELANIE/JAMIE HAVE ABSOLUT AND MANGO JUICE? SALMON MOUSSE, PATÉ OF GOOSE, WILLIE/TORRANCE WHILE YOU INSPECT OUR GREAT HATS. (To EACH OTHER.) HE CAN'T REJECT ALL OUR HATS! NADA, NOTHING, NADA, BUPKIS, NOTHING'S GELLING, NOTHING'S SELLING. NADA, NOTHING, MO YEAH, BUPKIS, NO-ONE'S BUYING, WE'RE ALL CRYING. FRAN/ ESTÉBAN/HOWIE/MEI/SARA THE HAND IS LIFTING, THE PENCIL'S UP, THE POINT IS DOWN, (JUSTIN shows the AUDIENCE a psychedelic blue hat dripping with trim; CHERYL shows a sculptured hat composed only of brown fabric-covered wire.) WILL IT BE THE BLUE OR BROWN? THE BROW IS DRIFTING, THE JAW IS SHIFTING, PLEASE DON'T LET THEM LET US DOWN. CHERYL I can't believe they didn't go for this one, it's quintesstial Justin. Justin, the minimalist genius. II-1-71

JUSTIN They're totally bonked out, afraid to buy anything. This number is Cheryl, bling over bling. CHERYL THE BUYERS AREN'T BUYING, JUSTIN UPSCALE OUT THERE IS DYING, ALL THE CUSTOMERS ARE FLYING, FRAN/ESTÉBAN/HOWIE/MEI/SARA ALL THE CUSTOMERS ARE FLYING, INTERNS OUR A PLUSES ARE GOOD-BYEING, ALL AND WE'VE GOT---

ESTÉBAN NADA. HOWIE NOTHING. FRAN BUPKIS. MEI MO SAN-N-N-NG YE! NO BUSINESS. DEAN CLAGGIT I never saw such a load of stupid. What schlock. (CHERYL and JUSTIN look up at CLAGGIT on the projection. CLAGGIT exits the projection. Remove projections.) CHERYL/JUSTIN I thought he liked my hats! Huh. (JUSTIN turns away. CHERYL looks at SARA. FRAN and MEI cross to opposite sides of the stage.) SARA Maybe, for his own purposes.

CHERYL Willie! (WILLIE jumps onstage, crosses to his BOSS.) II-1-72 CHERYL Quick, go after Claggit---check where he's going...Text me. WILLIE Tail Claggit?---I'd go to Hell and back! (Exit WILLIE. CHERYL turns to JUSTIN.) CHERYL You copied my ideas and exaggerated them into cartoons?! What did you do to me? JUSTIN What! I wanted to show you off, but you...you...made my style look like hieroglyphics. Your hats cut off my cojones! CHERYL I've had it! I'll enter the Contest. Without your say-so or your rotten copies. JUSTIN You think I have to depend on you? I'll enter! With twenty better hats for the Contest. Twenty? Fifty!

SARA Both in the contest! No, no, no way. Designer against designer? What about Sashay? ESTÉBAN A pool of blood on the showroom floor. (CHERYL and JUSTIN turn furiously on their MOTHERS.) JUSTIN I listened to you, and look what happened. Now I have to cook up a truckload of designs in a week. (HE exits. MEI calls after HIM. CHERYL confronts FRAN.) MEI Cheryl copied you because she loves you...loves...you. CHERYL You made me do it, like the time you took out my tonsils! (SHE runs out. FRAN calls after HER.) FRAN Tonsils? You were four! The doctor told me to. Wait! Justin imitated you because he loves you...! MEI They're entering against each other! II-1-73 FRAN I feel faint. MEI I'm going to collapse. (ESTÉBAN and HOWIE pick up a broom and dustpan, THEY sweep, quietly communicating with EACH OTHER. FRAN and MEI drop hats into boxes. The atmosphere of gloomy resentment between THEM is palpable.) MEI In Hong Kong, people polite. It isn't polite to eat and walk out if you don't like something. (SHE pushes a box of hats with her foot.) FRAN In America, everyone eats and walks out if they don't like something. (SHE picks up another box. ESTÉBAN and HOWIE pause.) MEI Americans are not polite. (FRAN drops the box.) FRAN Not polite! Americans, this, Americans, that, everyone has something to say about Americans. Let me tell you, Americans stay put when they like something! SONG: YOUR CLIENT OR MINE FRAN SHE TRIED TO DESIGN LIKE HIM. NO WONDER HER DESIGNS WERE NO FUN. MEI HE TRIED TO DESIGN LIKE HER. NO WONDER HIS DESIGNS---OVERDONE. FRAN/MEI NO WONDER! MEI EVERYTHING YOU TAUGHT YOUR DAUGHTER? SILLINESS, SILLINESS, SILLINESS, NOTHING HOLDS WATER. NO WONDER! II-1-74 FRAN Really! EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE FOR YOUR SON? PRACTICAL, PRAGMATIC, EXPEDIENT, MAKES MOST PEOPLE RUN. NO WONDER! MEI Really! FRAN You left out the best ingredient. MEI Best ingredient! You mean sex!? What can you expect, teaching her underwear? FRAN A billion-three-hundred-million something people in China--- someone there knows something about sexy underwear! What can you expect, squelching his artist's flair? MEI Squelch? Squelch? I do not squelch. FRAN You and I, babe, are in the same business. MEI I'm not in your business. Babe. FRAN Oh no? You sell clothes to women, don't you? MEI Yes. So?

(Further Upstage, lights come up. Dressing-booth stalls cross the stage. In each is a MANNEQUIN in minimal exotic underwear. At EACH MANNEQUIN'S side is a shopping bag.) FRAN So they get what they want, and may I say, deserve out of life? MEI Of course. II-1-75 FRAN WE'RE IN THE SAME BUSINESS, MRS. MEI, YOU AND I, NO, DON'T FROWN. WE SELL AN IMAGE ALL WHOLE TO THE GAL WHO GIVES IT A GO, WHO GIVES IT A SHOT, IT'S THE SAME GIRL, WHETHER SHE'S YOUR CLIENT OR MINE. MEI Cover up. Cover up. (SHE layers clothing from a bag onto a MANNIE, continues to add layers to EACH as the song progresses. Note: it's MEI who has opportunity for visual comedy during the song, the actor should not be afraid to 'steal' the song. The WOMEN should be equally strong.) FRAN WHETHER SHE FANTASIZES OR TANTALIZES, SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS FROM HER CLOTHES. WHETHER SHE SHOPS YOUR STORE OR MY CATALOGUE, SPENDS TIME WITH THE KIDS OR TIME ON HER BLOG, SHE BLOWS US A DOLLAR OR TWO WHEN WE DO WHAT SHE WANTS US TO DO. WE'RE IN THE SAME BUSINESS, MRS. MEI, YES YOU, MEI, DON'T LOOK 'ROUND. WE SELL DAMAGE CONTROL FOR OUR PAL WHO GRABS FOR THE GOLD, THE FELLER, THE JOB, WHO CAN'T LET A FEW POUNDS RUN HER AGROUND, IT'S THE SAME GIRL, WHETHER SHE'S YOUR CLIENT OR MINE WHETHER SHE'S DRESSING OR UNDRESSING, (FRAN tugs a garment to reveal the bra underneathe. MEI replaces it. ) MEI SHE KNOWS HOW TO DISGUISE WHAT SHE SHOWS, (FRAN lets go, shrugs amiably.) FRAN WHETHER SHE SHOPS YOUR STORE OR MY CATALOGUE, SHE KNOWS HOW TO SET HER WORLD AGAPE AND AGOG,

FRAN/MEI AND THROWS US A DOLLAR OR TWO WHEN WE DO WHAT SHE NEEDS US TO DO. II-1-76 MEI COULD BE THE SAME BUSINESS, MRS. FRAN, YOU HERE, ME IN MY TOWN. FRAN/MEI WE SELL DAMAGE CONTROL FOR OUR PAL WHO GRABS FOR THE GOLD, THE FELLER, THE JOB, WHO CAN'T LET A FEW POUNDS RUN HER AGROUND, IT'S THE SAME GIRL, WHETHER SHE'S YOUR CLIENT OR MINE. (THEY stop, regard EACH OTHER, assess the MANNEQUINS. THEY turn carefully to EACH OTHER, nod and bow graciously.) FRAN Beautiful. MEI Very nice. Good business. (SHE turns to look again at MANNIES.) Something is missing. (ESTÉBAN and HOWIE cry out simultaneously.) ESTÉBAN/HOWIE Hats! The hats! FRAN/MEI Hats! (THEY each kick a box. Elevator buzzes, gears grind.) HOWIE Elevator's here. (ESTÉBAN and HOWIE rescue boxes, carrying them out as the FOUR begin to exit; some boxes filled with hats, are left onstage. ) FRAN/MEI More problems. (As THEY exit, enter DEAN CLAGGIT from stairs, looking over his shoulder, and WILLIE, who's keeping out of CLAGGIT'S sight. CLAGGIT piles up the rest of the boxes, exits to stairwell carrying them, continues to glance left, right, behind HIM. WILLIE follows HIM.) II-2-77

ACT II SCENE 2

Immediately following. The elevator buzzer sounds, gears grind, doors open. GUNG GUNG shepherds JUSTIN out of the elevator. JUSTIN Why did we come back here. I have to be home, designing. GUNG GUNG Should not be home designing. JUSTIN The television runway show…new hats…what are you thinking, Grandpa? GUNG GUNG You go home and design right in front of Cheryl's face?! You two not have any sense, what you do to each other? JUSTIN Yeh, but where can I work? GUNG GUNG Tea shop, noodle shop, anywhere but there. Work quick, before trip. JUSTIN Trip? GUNG GUNG To China. JUSTIN What?!? I'm not going to China! Are you okay, Grandpa? GUNG GUNG You learn T'ai Chi from when you puppy. You learn nothing? JUSTIN T'ai Chi? Puppies? Gung Gung, here's a chair, sit down. Yeh, yeh, you taught me, I studied with a Master.

(JUSTIN bows to GUNG GUNG.) GUNG GUNG I businessman. But T'ai Chi tell you about life---life is connection! II-2-78 (His hands interlock to show connection.) Now is time to show you. Time to let T'ai Chi help. Help Sashay. Help save marriage. You connect with my friends. All my friends in China. (His hands interlock to show connection.) SONG: NO-ONE KNOW CHINA LIKE ME GUNG GUNG GOOD GRANDSON FIRST WILL YIELD, LIKE T'AI CHI. (GUNG GUNG advances, pushes with one hand, JUSTIN twists away.) JUSTIN Sure, yield. GUNG GUNG If YOU NOT YIELD, YOUR DOWNFALL SEALED. MUST YIELD. CONNECT TO KNOCK-OFFS WITH ME. JUSTIN Knock-offs? We don't do knock-offs. GUNG GUNG Hunh. WISE FIGHTER LIFT WRISTS FRONT, BEND KNEE HOLD BALL, LEFT BLOCK, RIGHT DOWN-UP, NO SHOCK, FLOAT RIGHT. I SIXTY YEAR WORK FACT'RY, (During the following verses, T'ai Chi form #39 is loosely adapted, adjusted to follow and emphasize the meat of the lyric. On the line 'sixty year work factory', both arms are lowered, make a curve together below the abdomen, to the left. On the following line, the left hand touches the right wrist and pushes the right hand to the right, the arm, elbows bent, and body retreat, and both hands float to the right as though they were a wave in the ocean.) GUNG GUNG NO-ONE KNOW CHINA LIKE ME, and,

(On 'and', the arms are lifted in a curve together overhead, to the left, giving GUNG GUNG the opportunity to be full-faced to the AUDIENCE, and pause.) II-2-79 GUNG GUNG NO-ONE KNOW KNOCK-OFFS LIKE ME. (During GUNG GUNG'S brief pause, JUSTIN frowns, shakes his head. GUNG GUNG sees the frown, pulls JUSTIN in line with HIM, forcing JUSTIN to perform the motions with his GRANDFATHER---a doubles-act. Left arms come down to chest level, right arms are extended front; both elbows are bent.)

SASHAY ONLY HIGH END? HIGH AND LOW! (On the next line, arc arms overhead, then the right hand goes under the left elbow, the left hand pushes the right shoulder, 'Shoulder Press'.) LEFT PRESS, THAT REAL. LEARN LOW-END DEAL. (Next line: right arm extends right, elbow bent, fingers form a downward hook, as if holding a teacup by its handle; left hand slowly crosses the face, hiding it, then revealing it on 'SHARE'. Left hand extends, palm facing out. Right hand opens, the form is continued.) HOLD HOOK, SHARE, MANY SLICES IN PIE. Connection! NO-ONE KNOW KNOCK-OFFS LIKE ME. I CONNECT SASHAY TO LOWER COST, IN GUANZHOU PROVINCE MY FRIEND BIG BOSS, NO-ONE KNOW CHINA LIKE ME. MY GUANZHOU FRIEND YOU GO SEE, NO-ONE COPY GOOD AS HE. SECRET PLAN, GO QUIETLY--- WHAT MY FRIEND TEACH, YOU BRING NEW YORK, SPREAD OUT BIG WINGS LIKE WHITE CRANE STORK, (GUNG GUNG and JUSTIN display the figure White Crane Spreads Wings: right arm lifts high above the head, palm outward, facing the sky, left hand is near left hip, hand bent forward, palm down.) INTERN WEBSITE? LET IT BE, OPEN-SHUT CASE: KICK MARKET BUTT,

(Arms down, GUNG GUNG and JUSTIN kick.) II-2-80 GUNG GUNG WHO TURN DOWN PUBLICITY? WITH YANKEE INGENUITY, CHINA CONNECT FROM OVER-SEA, BALANCE PERFECT LIKE T'AI CHI, (GUNG GUNG balances on one leg, right arm bent at elbow almost in front of face, same for left arm, but lower. Hold.) NO-ONE KNOW CHINA LIKE ME. NO-ONE KNOW CHINA LIKE ME. NO-ONE KNOW CHINA LIKE ME. (JUSTIN grabs GUNG GUNG in a bear hug.) JUSTIN Connect...after the Contest, China here I come. BLACKOUT II-3-81

ACT II SCENE 3 One week later. Spotlights swarm around a platform. The MODERATOR stands with a bank of microphones, addressing the AUDIENCE. SARA is inconspiculously present in the AUDIENCE. Signs are held up when the studio director wants applause. SARA is spotlighted for a moment when SHE applauds the MODELS. MODERATOR Ladies and gentlemen, minutes are ticking for our Millinery Talent Telethon toppers: HATS OFF TO AMERICA! greets our final, final, most final finalist designers. (Applause, drum rolls.) We're voted down to two choices---the power is yours---Call, email, text us. Two, two designers and three minutes to go. (Sotto voce.) The winner splits prize money with The N.A.B.---National Association of Birdwatchers, in memory of friends who formerly gave up their feathered finery for hats. Our design artists sing out 'Feathers forever nevermore'. (Applause. HE glances offstage.) Two minutes? Two minutes. (HE begins to accelerate his speech.) Competing for top honors, from Sashay Hats, Inc., from New York City, you remember Cheryl Chen. Welcome, Cheryl. (CHERYL, hatted as always, leads two MODELS from R wearing full-body black leotards and CHERYL'S very stunning and daringly trimmed hats to mid-stage. Photographers' cameras, cells flashing. Applause.) One minute and one more to go! Take a deep breath, and welcome back Justin Chen, once again: Sashay Hats, Inc.!!! Wife against husband, husband against wife! The thrill of the ultimate power challenge! II-3-82 (JUSTIN'S models, wearing stunningly simple, draped hats, begin to follow HIM across the stage from L as the MODERATOR turns back to the AUDIENCE. Photographers' cameras again flashing. Applause.) MODERATOR (CONT'D) Same company, same label, but me omy, what different heads. (The MODELS have met in the middle, and are beginning to push EACH OTHER to get through to the other side of the stage.) Hold it, girls, hold it.

(The MODELS are striking ONE ANOTHER; the MODERATOR has a fistfight on his hands. HE'S on several cellphones at once. Note: use current technology, he may be monitoring screens, on Bluetooth or other devices.) Votes are flooding in. (A hat flies by HIM. CHERYL and JUSTIN beat EACH OTHER with hats, à la pillow fight.) Ten seconds to go. Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Yes, yes, indeedy. We have a winner! We have a winner!!! (EVERYONE stops.) Justin Chen, please step up to the microphone. JUSTIN Me? MODERATOR Justin, I am so sorry! (JUSTIN starts to step away.) Don't go away, Justin. It is you! It's you. Justin Chen, you're the Millinery Designer of the Year! The quote that locks it up: "Justin Chen's hats belong in a museum!". Cheryl, in life, there are no runners-up, just losers. Only kidding. Only kidding! Ladies and gentlemen, Cheryl Chen, first runner-up. Everyone, let's give it up for Justin Chen, the HATS OFF TO AMERICA! winner! Justin, you're a star! We party tonight!

(To the cameras.) II-3-83 MODERATOR (CONT'D) Thanks for watching, thanks for voting. Good good night, birdwatchers and hat-wearers! Seriously, save our birds. Binoculars for every member of the audience! (CHERYL is stony-faced. MODERATOR, MODELS exit. JUSTIN, on the other side of the stage, looks at CHERYL.) JUSTIN Too bad I won't be at the party. CHERYL How come? You won, didn't you? JUSTIN I don't think it was worth it. CHERYL Why not? Winning's everything, isn't it? You tried hard, didn't you? JUSTIN Yeah, I did. But people can get hurt. Special people you don't want to hurt... CHERYL I hope you don't mean me. I can take it. Big deal. Big deal. I'll get it together. JUSTIN But...look, I have a plane to catch. To Hong Kong. CHERYL Hong Kong. Um. Oh. China. JUSTIN I have to go. Now. Sashay needs--- CHERYL Sashay. Sashay. All you think about is Sashay. JUSTIN I thought Sashay meant the world to you. In fact, I thought you loved Sashay more than anything. (CHERYL wraps her arms about herself.) CHERYL A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. You're the 'Designer of the Year'. Might as well take off for Hong Kong. JUSTIN Yeh. You bet. II-3-84 CHERYL If China's so important, go. (JUSTIN hesitates.) CHERYL (CONT'D) Go. JUSTIN Okay. I'll take my little starring tush off. (JUSTIN exits. CHERYL is left standing alone.) CHERYL More than anything? Sashay? No. Wait, that's not true. No. Justin. (SHE starts after HIM. HE'S disappeared.) Justin? SONG: IT'S OVER (CHERYL takes off her hat.) IT'S OVER. OKAY, OKAY, SURE, HIS CONTEST HATS ARE MASTERPIECES, GREAT, ONE OF US AT LEAST HAS WON, GREAT FOR SASHAY, BUT RUN AWAY FROM EV'RYTHING AND...EV'RYONE? I GUESS…IT'S OVER.

GO HOME NOW, SOUL IN LITTLE PIECES, SO SUDDENLY IT'S ALL-OR-NONE? FORCE HIM TO STAY? NO! COME WHAT MAY! LEAVE EV'RYTHING AND EV'RYONE?! LOOKS LIKE...IT'S OVER. YEARS AGO WE TOOK A VOW, BUT HE'S NO FRIEND OR LOVER NOW. THERE'S NO PLAN B, WHO'LL BE THERE FOR ME? IN EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS WE'LL SEE. (SARA steps up to the stage from her seat in the AUDIENCE.) SARA Oh, honey, I thought so. You're expecting.

II-3-85 CHERYL GO HOME NOW, START TO PACK THE PIECES, WAIT 'TIL THE LEASE IS ALL RUN OUT, LEAVE EV'RYTHING, LEAVE ME, BAIL OUT! WHO SHARES MY BABY? (SHE wails in true soul tradition.) CHERYL OUR BABY! MY BABY! I GUESS IT'S OVER. SARA Go home and rest. I'll wrap up Sashay's loft, but we won't give it away. We'll hang in. Sweetie, you have to, with the baby coming. Don't give up. You can't! CHERYL HE'S GONE! NO HOPE TO HOLD ONTO, OH, SARA, LOOKS LIKE IT'S OVER. LOOKS LIKE IT'S SO OVER. OVER. (Incredible soul-gut wail.)

SO SO SO OVER!!!

II-3-86

ACT I

SCENE 3 One week later. FRAN'S apartment. Late afternoon. ESTÉBAN is nervously but efficiently sorting plastic utensils, paper goods, cups. HOWIE edges closer to HIM. Several of the left-over boxes of hats are scattered against walls in the apartment. HOWIE Estéban, you like my idea, gathering everyone to bring them back together? ESTÉBAN Yes. HOWIE You think it'll work? Justin taking off---Cheryl's been off- center, packing furiously with Sara and the Interns all week--- totally stressed. ESTÉBAN Yes. HOWIE Justin's probably miserable all alone in China. ESTÉBAN Yes. HOWIE They think it's about business, but they're really in love. ESTÉBAN Yes. HOWIE Sometimes it's hard to admit you're in love. ESTÉBAN Sh-h-h. Buhbee's napping in there. HOWIE

(HE reduces his voice to a stage whisper. HE'S tentative.) Ever since we met, we haven't had a chance to be alone together. II-3-87 ESTÉBAN Alone together? What do you mean? I have to watch the burritos heating up. (Rattling plastic cutlery, HE turns towards the kitchen. HOWIE stops HIM.) HOWIE Couldn't we be heating up, too? SONG: ONE WHISPER AT A TIME I THOUGHT WE MIGHT TAKE TIME TO SPEAK, LET THE WORLD WING ON BY US, WHILE YOU AND I STOP ON A DIME, ONE WHISPER AT A TIME, UN SUSURRO A LA VEZ, ONE WHISPER AT A TIME. ESTÉBAN Un susurro? What do you know from 'susurro'? HOWIE What New Yorker from New Jersey hasn't learned a little Spanish? FLICK ON THE LIGHT, TAKE A SMALL PEEK, LET THE WORLD SWING ON BY US, WHILE YOU AND I DROP OUT, NO CRIME, UN SUSURRO A LA VEZ, ONE WHISPER AT A TIME. WHO SAYS YOU AND I CAN'T BE LIKE ANY OLD HE AND SHE--- PICK WHAT YOU WANT, MY FRIEND PUT ME ON YOUR CALENDAR, I'LL BE A PAL, LEND A HAND, OR--- STICK WITH YOU 'TIL THE END. HOW ABOUT TONIGHT WE PLAY HIDE AND SEEK, LET THE WORLD FLING ITSELF PAST US, WE'RE TWO SWELL GENTS STILL IN OUR PRIME, READY AT LAST TO TASTE THE SUBLIME UN PEQUEÑO SUSURRO, UN PEQUEÑO SUSURRO, UN PEQUEÑO SUSURRO A LA VEZ, ONE WHISPER AT A TIME. ESTÉBAN I don't know what to say. HOWIE This is the time to say nada. (HE steps up to ESTÉBAN and kisses HIM. Slight pause. ESTÉBAN then returns the kiss passionately. ) II-3-88 (While their lips are glued together, ESTÉBAN begins to pull HOWIE'S shirt from his pants. From the hallway, we hear a jiggling doorknob, then a loud knock. The two men spring apart.) HOWIE (CONT'D) My shirt! FRAN Estéban? Estéban? I can't find my keys. (HOWIE slips into the first door HE sees, the closet.) ESTÉBAN Caramba! That's the closet! (The closet door shuts.) You just pulled me out of the closet! (The front door opens.) FRAN I am so farcharded, completely discombobulated. In my purse all the time. I bought what you told me. (Jangling keys, then shedding her coat.) ESTÉBAN Fran, we need--- FRAN I know, I know, I bought it. Here, I'll get it. (SHE steps out. HOWIE peers in. As SHE re-enters with bags and bang of the door, HOWIE dips back into the closet. ESTÉBAN, focused on HOWIE, bangs his head with his hand. SHE opens a bag.) What? What, I bought the wrong kind? Which? The eggs? I got the sugar---all natural. Maybe not organic, but natural! ESTÉBAN Great, great, as long as there are enough eggs for the flan--- Fran, we need to talk. FRAN The interns at seven-fifteen. Mei, any minute with Grandpa. Sara says she'll get Cheryl here by seven. We'll get Justin. We have to. Buhbee? ESTÉBAN Napping. Fran, sit down, Fran--- II-3-89 FRAN Where's Howie? Isn't he helping you set up? ESTÉBAN Sure, sure, sure. Por su puesto. He's helping me. (The doorbell rings.) FRAN I'll get it. (SHE pokes her head out into the hallway.) Mei? Yoo hoo, this way! (HOWIE comes out of the closet.) HOWIE We don't belong there anymore. ESTÉBAN No. (HE points.) Try the kitchen. (The two WOMEN greet loudly at the door. HOWIE dashes into the kitchen. FRAN turns back into the room, bringing MEI and GUNG GUNG. HE holds a red plastic bag.) FRAN (FRAN helps MEI off with her coat, takes her own coat off. GUNG GUNG heads for the bedroom.) Gung Gung, Buhbee's asleep in the bedroom. GUNG GUNG (Gathering all the outerwear from FRAN.) Ohhh, I tippy-toe. (HE exits to the bedroom.) MEI Where is Howie?

ESTÉBAN In the kitchen. II-3-90 MEI Howie in the kitchen! He doesn't know his way around there. He'll commit Hara-kiri if he touches a knife. Ha! A Japanese joke, not Chinese. (SHE and FRAN laugh.) I'll protect him. (MEI exits to kitchen.) ESTÉBAN Fran? FRAN Yes? You wanted to talk. (Changing her attitude as though changing her dress, SHE seats herself expectantly.) ESTÉBAN Fran--- FRAN Estéban---We're such a functional family. Except for Cheryl and Justin. Oh, those brats! ESTÉBAN Fran---Howie---me--- FRAN (Leans forward confidentially, towards HIM.) I don't know about Howie. Mei is a little…boastful. But if she thinks he's her boyfriend, well, who are we to burst her bubble? ESTÉBAN And me. I'm--- FRAN Estéban, Estéban, of course you're part of the family! I'm not asking you for a commitment, we're fine as we are---of course, if you feel the need to get closer, more involved...more intimate... ESTÉBAN Fran, I wanna get married! FRAN Estéban!?! SONG: I WANNA GET MARRIED. II-3-91

ESTÉBAN I WANNA GET MARRIED, MARRIED, MARRIED, TOO LONG HAVE I TARRIED, TARRIED, TARRIED I WANNA BE CARRIED, CARRIED, CARRIED OVER THE THRESHHOLD. FRAN You've got it backwards! Dear boy---You carry me! ESTÉBAN FRAN, IT'S DIFF'RENT, DIFF'RENT FROM YOUR PLAN, I'M A LOST, LIMP, LOUSY LADIES' MAN, SURE, I'LL BE A GREAT BIG LOVING FAN--- FRAN So sweet. ESTÉBAN OF THE BAND'VE GOLD. YOU GONNA THINK I'M A PHONY, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MATRIMONY, I DON'T FIT YOUR MOLD. FRAN ESTÉBAN, AT OUR WEDDING, WE'LL DANCE--- WE'LL DANCE, WE'LL DANCE, WE'LL DANCE OUR PANTS OFF! ESTÉBAN YES WE'LL DANCE, BAILA, BAILA, BAILA, Sê, Sê, THAT'S WHAT I WANT, TOO. FRAN Wait 'til I tell Ma! And Cheryl and Sara! Maaa---- (Dream ballet: Enter the FEMALE MEMBERS of the COMPANY to dance with FRAN Stage R. The MALE MEMBERS of the COMPANY join ESTÉBAN and dance on Stage L. FRAN'S music is a klezma Hora; ESTÉBAN'S is Mariachi Mexican wedding music set to 'Baila, baila, baila'. At the end, a chair is brought, the MALE AND FEMALE COMPANY MEMBERS combine, and ESTÉBAN is hoisted above the crowd in a celebratory lift. ALL dance around HIM, HE'S lowered, and the chair becomes the focus. FRAN dances towards it, as does HOWIE. SHE looks at HIM as though his behavior is odd, and makes a beeline for the chair. ESTÉBAN steps in front of HER. SHE halts.) II-3-92 ESTÉBAN FRAN, AT MY WEDDING I'LL DANCE, BUT FRAN, I'M SO SORRY, I'LL DANCE, I'LL DANCE, BUT FRAN, MY DANCE WON'T BE WITH YOU, I'LL DANCE MY PANTS OFF WITH...HOWIE, HOWIE, MY MAN, THAT'S WHO! (HOWIE perches on the chair.) FRAN That's who? (In recognition.) Oh. Ohhhh! (The DANCERS raise HOWIE. One more round of Mariachi/Hora while HOWIE is lowered. ALL exit except FRAN, ESTÉBAN, and HOWIE.) ESTÉBAN I THOUGHT WE COULD TAKE TIME TO SPEAK, BEFORE THE WORLD SLIDES BY US, WE'RE TWO GROWN-UPS WHO MADE THE CLIMB, TO FIND A B'SHERT, A LOVE SUBLIME, LET'S FACE THE TRUTH FOR WHAT IT IS, I CAN'T BE YOURS BECAUSE I'M HIS, ONE TRUTH AT A TIME. ONE SIMPLE TRUTH AT A TIME. Fran, if I could have, I would have. Mamacita, are you all right? (HE goes to FRAN, kisses her cheek or forehead warmly.) FRAN (Hanging tough.) Of course I'm all right. What would you expect? ESTÉBAN I'll take care of the flan. (Exit ESTÉBAN and HOWIE to kitchen.) FRAN Flan schman.

(Enter MEI, rushing to FRAN.) MEI Fran, you'll never guess what Howie told me! II-3-93 FRAN I can guess. Mei. He fell in love with Estéban. MEI They two fellas. Ridiculous. No such thing in China.

(A look from FRAN. Enter BUHBEE from bedroom, carrying a tray with Slivovitz and shot glasses.) No such thing anyone says out loud in China. BUHBEE Oi vey, der man ist gay?

(SHE fills the glasses.) MEI I'm disappointed, I lose Howie. What we should do? FRAN What can we do? I can't paste on a mustache---you'd look weird with a beard--- Reprise: I WANNA GET MARRIED FRAN MUCH AS WE WANTED T'MARRY, MARRY, MARRY, MEI GLAD WERE WE TO TARRY, TARRY, TARRY, FRAN HERE, THERE, ANYWHERE, BUT NARY A FELLER BENT A KNEE TO PROPOSE. MEI BUT WHEN THEY BOTH TOOK TIME TO FIND US, FRAN AND NOT ALLOW FALSE HOPES TO BLIND US, MEI A FELLER CAN ONLY DO WHAT HE CAN AND NEITHER ONE'S A LADIES' MAN... FRAN SINCE NEITHER YOU NOR I ARE THEIR DISH, MEI TWO MEN AS LOVELY AS A WISH, (THEY sigh regrettfully.) II-3-94 FRAN IT'S UP TO US, MEI, MEI IT'S UP TO US, FRAN, FRAN/MEI IT'S UP TO US...TO THROW THE FIRST ROSE. (THEY each inhale the fragrance of an imaginary rose, kiss them, and toss them towards the kitchen as though the roses were bouquets, while BUHBEE serves the Slivovitz.) FRAN/MEI (The WOMEN, EACH taking a shot glass.) FRAN To Howie! MEI To Estéban! (THEY clink glasses.) BUHBEE L'Chayim, sveety-pies.

(THEY knock back the drinks, pour and drink again. BUHBEE exits. The doorbell rings. SARA hurriedly enters.) SARA (Shedding her coat. To FRAN and MEI.) Cheryl's coming! She's right behind me. Ma, I told her you fainted from stress, and Mei, you're traumatized. (The doorbell again rings. FRAN and MEI quickly get rid of shot glasses on BUHBEE'S tray. BUHBEE exits to bedroom with tray. A moment before CHERYL bursts in, FRAN throws herself on the floor. MEI flings HERSELF onto a chair, throws a cover over FRAN.) CHERYL Ma! Mom! O, good grief. Sara, I can't take any more.

(CHERYL clutches SARA. FRAN rolls over. CHERYL pauses, examines FRAN, lifts FRAN'S limp arm and drops it. MEI slings her arm over her forehead, moans. FRAN turns head to peek at the action. ) II-3-95 (CHERYL catches HER. SHE sheds her coat.) CHERYL (CONT'D) You're faking! You're lying! (MEI springs up.) MEI Lying! Ungrateful daughter. Mothers never lie. I'm shocked. CHERYL Ha. What an outrageous bluff! FRAN You'll find out when you're a mother. Never happen while I'm alive...let me tell you--- FRAN (MEI kicks her slightly. FRAN pants.) ... Mei, water, water, kitchen...water. (Exit FRAN and MEI to kitchen, half limping, half crawling towards the kitchen, dragging the 'throw'.) CHERYL So that's why they got me here. To grovel! Gross. SARA Maybe Justin wants to return. Maybe tell him about the--- you know--- CHERYL The---you know? The baby? That's not why he should come back---does he care about me?---about him and me first, then the 'you know'. (MEI pokes her head out, looking left and right, with a strangulated stage-whisper.) MEI Maybe he had to go and not tell anyone. A-a-ask Gu-u-ung Gu-u- ung. In bedroom. (CHERYL swiftly crosses to the bedroom door. SHE knocks.) CHERYL Gung Gung, when Justin cut out--you know something about it? (The door opens a crack.) II-3-96 GUNG GUNG Justin not cut out---he go China fast, I tell him not to tell, big secret. CHERYL Big secret?! Why? GUNG GUNG I bring Buhbee, she explain. (HE closes the door. The front door bangs open for the immediate entrance of WILLIE, messenger bag strapped across his shoulder. HE takes out a sheaf of order forms, then shakes the bag to show that it's bulging with more.) WILLIE Boss, orders. (WILLIE offers HER the forms. CHERYL takes the bunch from WILLIE, looks at SARA questioningly; while SHE goes through them, we hear a loud telephone ring in the kitchen. FRAN answers the phone.) FRAN Hello. Who?!! It's you, you're here, oh, thank goodness! Dean Claggit? The police?! Yes, certainly I'm the mother-in- law, the Director of Amy's Lacies. Of course it's all right--- bring them over. Now? Absolutely, we'll be waiting. Oh, I'm so happy! (WE hear her transmitting her news to MEI, ESTÉBAN, and HOWIE in muted tones. SARA speaks to CHERYL.) SARA All from your Contest hats. They're on your website. CHERYL What website?!? You guys posted a website while Justin was gone, and put my hats online?

(WILLIE brings her to TORRANCE'S computer screen.)

Sara!...he's my business partner, it's a matter of trust, whatever's between us personally, we can't--- (Enter a rumpled and unshaven JUSTIN, and DEAN CLAGGIT, BOTH in handcuffs, escorted by two policemen. CHERYL gasps.) JUSTIN We can. We did. Only business partner? II-3-97 CHERYL You came home. JUSTIN I'm home. POLICEMAN #1 (To Cheryl.) Do either of these two belong to anyone? CHERYL Yes. Yes. (Indicating JUSTIN.) He's my husband. DEAN CLAGGIT I didn't do anything. Everything was on the up and up. (JUSTIN turns to CLAGGIT.) JUSTIN Nothing! Up and up!!! You were carting your stolen sweatshop copies of our designs to the street vendors. Willie texted me. WILLIE Thought you'd like to know. (To CHERYL.) That's what he did with them, boss. JUSTIN Boxes and boxes of them. CHERYL Hah. POLICEMAN #1 Calm, calm. So, the husband accuses the other guy, they begin to mix it, we're called in, the husband uses his one phone call, passes the phone, I talk to Mrs. Roth---who happens to manage Amy's Lacies, where my wife buys all her undies---

(HE smiles at FRAN.) POLICEMAN #2 And we wind up here, maybe resolve this mess before we lock them up. II-3-98 (POLICEMAN #1 sidles up to FRAN, turning the two MEN over to POLICEMAN #2. FRAN AND POLICEMAN #1 turn away from the AUDIENCE and the goings-on and during the following, converse quietly. FRAN visibly gives HIM her card with a re-assuring pat on his hand.) FRAN For your wife. Tell her not to hesitate to email me. WILLIE Hi, Justin, knew you'd love the website. Torrance updated it the way you said. (CHERYL and JUSTIN'S eyes are locked.) POLICMAN #2 Hey... CHERYL So you gave permission for the website from China... WILLIE What's facetime for? JUSTIN Isn't it time for high-tec? Are we going to let the internet market kill us? (CHERYL shows a hint of a smile at JUSTIN'S sudden take on technology.) POLICEMAN #2 Wait a minute. We... CHERYL ...then risked sabotaging it by gambling on my Contest hats? JUSTIN Gamble? I knew they'd sell. The judges didn't know, but I did. I'd bet anything on the hats you created for the Contest. You aced it. People were going to love your bling! Some people love you. POLICEMAN #2 Awwww, listen, we have a job to do... CHERYL Sashay is high-end, we can't fill these orders.

(Enter BUHBEE and GUNG GUNG.) BUHBEE Ober, yes, that why Justin, he go like Ninja, sh-s-s-h-h-h-h, II-3-99 (She moves a silencing finger to her lips.) come back with help. POLICEMAN #2 Ninjas? Okay, who's pressing charges here? Who? JUSTIN I won't press charges, we know who's been behind the design theft, this crook. DEAN CLAGGIT Oh yeah? I'll get your ass for assault. (POLICEMAN #1 returns to the conversation.) POLICEMAN #1 Is that a threat? We don't like threats. WILLIE FST will bite your ass right back, won't it. Merry Christmas, Mr. Used-to-be-Dean. (POLICEMAN #1 removes the handcuffs from JUSTIN, pockets them, collars DEAN CLAGGIT.) POLICEMAN #1 Okay. We'll take this one with us. (To FRAN.) Thanks. She's nuts for discounts. FRAN Don't mention it. (The two POLICEMEN move to the door with DEAN CLAGGIT.) DEAN CLAGGIT Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? POLICEMAN #1 Yeah. We got a special department for you. Called Industrial Theft. You'll be happy there, nice cells. (THEY exit.) GUNG GUNG See? Always be another, then one more Dean Claggit. CHERYL But--- II-3-100 (WILLIE exits, throws a line over his shoulder as he leaves.) WILLIE Let the old guy talk.

GUNG GUNG Justin go learn low-end know-how or company go bust, hunh, maybe marriage, too. Not let no-one know, so not copy our idea to make copycat hats in U.S.A. Hunh! JUSTIN We knock ourselves off in New York. Grandpa's contacts showed me the ropes last week: we're saved. (GUNG GUNG and BUHBEE retreat to the bedroom, SARA, FRAN, and MEI to the kitchen.) CHERYL Sashay's saved. You left me when I needed you most. JUSTIN I was sure you'd win and I could explain, but... CHERYL I don't love Sashay more than anything. I don't. I can't stay here. I need my coat. (SHE heads towards her coat and the door. HE blocks HER, grabs her arms.) JUSTIN I was off my rocker to say it. I went to Hong Kong because I thought the best way to get to you was to rescue Sashay. Sashay, our baby, Cheryl. Cheryl. CHERYL Sashay's not a baby! It's a company. What if it folds? Are we chopped liver? Tell me, Justin. JUSTIN Sashay? Forget about Sashay, it's over, anything to please you. Without you there's no me. Whatever you want. I didn't know what's important. SONG: MORE LOVE CHERYL MORE LOVE, MORE LOVE, THAT'S WHAT I WANT FROM YOU. MORE LOVE, MORE LOVE, EV'RY WORD YOU SPOKE BROKE THROUGH. II-3-101

CHERYL (CONT'D) YOU DON'T NEED TO PLEASE ME, IF YOU ONLY KNEW--- YOU DON'T NEED TO FREEZE ME FAR AWAY FROM YOU. JUSTIN MORE LOVE, MORE LOVE, THAT'S WHAT I WANT FROM YOU, MORE LOVE, MORE LOVE, NOTHING'S DONE WE CAN'T UNDO. YOU DON'T NEED TO FREEZE ME FAR AWAY FROM YOU. YOU DON'T NEED TO PLEASE ME, IF YOU ONLY KNEW--- SINCE YOU STOPPED LETTING ME IN--- CHERYL MY DAYS HAVE BEEN UNTASTED... JUSTIN MY BLACK NIGHTS HAVE BEEN WASTED, MY SOUL HAS BEEN UNTOUCHED, CHERYL/ JUSTIN MY NIGHTS UNCOLORED BY LOVE. MORE LOVE, MORE LOVE, THAT'S ALL I WANT FROM YOU. MORE LOVE, MY LOVE, NOTHING CAN TOUCH WHAT WE CAN DO, NOTHING SHINES IN MY WORLD BUT YOU. LOVE, MORE LOVE, MY LOVE. JUSTIN I don't care if I become a computer geek as long as we're together! CHERYL I don't give a damn if we sell socks. (Enter SARA from kitchen dabbing at her eyes with a coat sleeve. CHERYL embraces HER. To CHERYL.) SARA Chopped liver?!

CHERYL There's something else, something else about a baby... II-3-102 (As SHE whispers in JUSTIN'S ear, eavesdroppers FRAN and MEI spill out of the kitchen, listening hard. JUSTIN pulls CHERYL aside. FRAN speaks to MEI.) FRAN What? What did she say? (MEI tugs at JUSTIN.) MEI What did she say? (JUSTIN laughs, whispers in MEI'S ear, who whispers in FRAN'S ear. THEY can hardly contain THEMSELVES. Enter ESTÉBAN and HOWIE from apartment door with food trays.) ESTÉBAN Hola. HOWIE (To FRAN and MEI with a wink.) Hot, very hot. FRAN/MEI We'll help!

(Exit the MEN first, FRAN, MEI after THEM, into the kitchen. CHERYL speaks to JUSTIN.)

CHERYL But all the orders...look, someone has to support this kid. Prototypes, high-end on Thirty-Seventh Street...drop-dead detail, semi- or precious stones, Long Island City production for the low- end line.

(JUSTIN conspires with HER. SARA nods along with THEM.) JUSTIN L.I.C. space, affordable product, soften details, use crystal, beads, copy China. (Enter WILLIE quickly, cell in hand.) WILLIE Copy China. That's a new concept. (WILLIE exits to the kitchen, texting feverishly, as FRAN and MEI re-enter, wiping hands on an apron and dish towel respectively.) II-3-103

WILLIE NoHo? Williamsburg? Naturally. L.A.?! Greenbay?!? Wisconsin? Every hat the mole stole!! (GUNG GUNG and BUHBEE emerge from the bedroom. GUNG GUNG holds up his red plastic bag.) GUNG GUNG Oranges. BUHBEE I help you slice. GUNG GUNG First, we tell secret. FRAN Not another one. BUHBEE We getting married. FRAN I feel faint. MEI (To FRAN.) Again? So soon? GUNG GUNG We in love. She laugh New York, I sneeze Chinese, both play Mah Jongg. BUHBEE Email Mah Jongg for five years after Cheryl marry Justin. We good players. Winners. (Points to HERSELF.) Grandma. Buhbee. GUNG GUNG (Points to HIMSELF.) Grandpa. Gung Gung. BUHBEE You gung? II-3-104 GUNG GUNG You bee? BUHBEE We gungbee. GUNG GUNG No, no, we beegung. GUNG GUNG (THEY slap each other five hilariously, giggle.) MEI Fran, water. (SHE coughs; FRAN pounds HER on the back. GUNG GUNG knocks on kitchen door.) GUNG GUNG Willie, come in, tell interns---jobs for FST graduates! (WILLIE re-enters.) WILLIE Thank you Grandpa! You and Buhbee! Top of the fam'ly tree! (The FAMILY picks up the reggae rhythm and speech patterns of WILLIE'S song, dancing.) SONG: FAMILY TREE WILLIE BACK ON MY ISLAND, MY COUNTRY, WE PAY ATTENTION TO THE FAM'LY TREE. THERE IS NO YOU, THERE IS NO ME, WITHOUT WE RESPECT THE FAM'LY TREE. CHERYL/JUSTIN WE ALL PAY ATTENTION TO THE FAM'LY TREE. (GUNG GUNG dances to JUSTIN.) GUNG GUNG I GET TOGETHER WITH YOUR GRANDMA, WE GET SO CLOSE, YOUR GRANDMA AND ME, (BUHBEE dances with CHERYL, reaches for and includes SARA.)

BUHBEE I GET TOGETHER WITH YOUR GRANDPA, WE GET SO CLOSE, YOUR GRANDPA AND ME. II-3-105 GUNG GUNG/BUHBEE (EACH sings to his/her GRANDCHILD/GRANDCHILDREN.) OOOLA LA, CLOSER WE COME, WE GET SO CLOSE, WE CREATE YOUR MOM. OOOLA LA, CLOSER WE COME, WE GET SO CLOSE, WE CREATE YOUR MOM. FRAN/MEI (Joining in, to CHERYL, JUSTIN, and SARA.) I GET SO CLOSE TO YOUR PAPA, YOUR PAPA GET SO CLOSE TO ME, CLOSER, CLOSER, CLOSER HE COME, 'TIL WHAT I GOT, HE GET SOME. BUHBEE WITHOUT HE---LA LA LA LA, (Indicates GUNG GUNG.) GUNG GUNG (Indicates BUHBEE.) WITHOUT SHE---LA LA LA LA, CHERYL/JUSTIN OOOLA LA LA, LA LA LA LA, WE BE SWINGIN' FROM THE FAM'LY TREE. (Exit BUHBEE, GUNG GUNG. From the kitchen.) ESTÉBAN/HOWIE WE ALL BE MONKEYS IN THE FAM'LY TREE. (A cell phone interrupts, with a different ringtone. WILLIE to CHERYL.) WILLIE That's yours, Boss. (CHERYL retrieves her phone.) CHERYL Doctor Laub? What? I'm not going to have a baby?

(JUSTIN reaches out to HER. FRAN and MEI express overlapping concern and disappointment. From kitchen.) II-3-106 GUNG GUNG Pregnant? WILLIE Boy, everyone in this family keeps secrets. CHERYL Ah. No, not exactly a surprise. (Sudden hush.)

Hilarious, Doctor. Very funny. Ha, ha. Thanks. See you Monday. (SHE hangs up. JUSTIN, FRAN and MEI wait for CHERYL to speak. SHE shrugs.) Twins. (JUSTIN leaps at HER. SHE'S smothered by FRAN and MEI. JUSTIN brings HER forward.) JUSTIN Twins! WE MAKE TWO NEW BUDS, CHERYL AND ME, TWO BEAUTIES BLOSSOM ON THE FAM'LY TREE. CHERYL'N' ME GONNA HAVE TWO BABIES. (CHERYL pulls JUSTIN to HER. MEI and SARA exit to kitchen. FRAN opens the door to JAMIE, MELANIE, and TORRANCE, who become BACKUP in baby bonnets.) WILLIE OOOLA LA IT'S TIME FOR YOU AND ME OOOLA LA TO WELCOME NEW BABIES. INTERNS OOOLA LA IT'S TIME FOR YOU AND ME OOOLA LA TO WELCOME TWO BABIES. CHERYL WE WILL RE-DISCOVER WHAT WE WERE AS LOVERS, FIND THE THREAD THAT BINDS US, LEAVE THE REST BEHIND US. JUSTIN MY DAYS CAN ONCE AGAIN BE TASTED,

CHERYL MY COLD DARK NIGHTS WILL NOT BE WASTED, JUSTIN MY SOUL... II-3-107 CHERYL MY BODY... CHERYL/JUSTIN OUR HEARTS... WILL GLOW WITH THE COLOR OF LOVE. INTERNS OOOLA LA, OOOLA LA, SHE AND HE, TOGETHER THEY BE GROWIN' THE FAM'LY TREE. CHERYL/JUSTIN MORE LOVE... INTERNS OOOLA LA, OOOLA LA, HE AND SHE, TOGETHER THEY BE GROWIN' THE FAM'LY TREE. CHERYL/JUSTIN MORE LOVE... INTERNS OOOLA LA, OOOLA LA, SHE AND HE, TOGETHER THEY BE GROWIN' THE FAM'LY TREE. CHERYL/JUSTIN MY LOVE. INTERNS (THEY cross to the downstage edge of the stage.) ) Sashay & Family Hats, Inc. Google us, Universe!

(THEY sit.) CURTAIN (CHERYL steps forward to the Apron.) CHERYL Hats are easier than men? Not necessarily. (SHE brings JUSTIN forth to HER.) CHERYL Actually, I never did want to sell socks! (SHE winks and smiles at JUSTIN and the AUDIENCE, rather like the Cheshire Cat. THEY hug joyfully.) THE END