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Public Service? MH//Opinion MostlyHarmless 10 ways out of a wonders about hostage situation Obama, the ugly side of page 7 Condoms, Durham’s bin- Madonna and raiders... more..... The MH Short Story pages 4-5 Page 11 mostlyharmless durham’s latest satire and comment issue 4, easter 2007 PUBLIC SERVICE? DEAD GUNS - DSU President questions motivations of council candidates - NRA to hold memorial for gun law victims - DUS President stands despite commitment to year abroad - Gun senselessly deactivated every 3 seconds - Prospective councillor ‘neither lived nor worked’ in ward William G. Pilgrim we had in mind when wrote the 2nd Amendment.” He then The National Rifle Association proceeded to spend over 20 announced this week that it is to minutes loading his musket, fired hold a memorial service to one shot at a small deer and remember the innocent victims of travelled back to 1791. gun control laws across the High-profile events have developed world. already been scheduled in support “Every three seconds, a of Gun Aid. A memorial service gun is senselessly deactivated in is to be held in Kigali, Rwanda, in the prime of its life by the evil memory of hundreds of heartless liberal governments of thousands of machetes that have the Western world,” announced been melted down and used to NRA board member Ted Nugent. build hospitals and such like. “We must put a stop to this NRA President Sandra senseless waste of potential”. Froman responded to questions at The memorial service yesterday’s NRA press- will be attended by politicians, conference: diplomats, NRA members and “All you ever hear about gun enthusiasts from all over on the news is ‘HIV this’ and America, and is the start to a ‘famine that’. Nobody seems to month long international ‘Gun care about the important stuff. Aid’ campaign. The fact of the matter is that guns It is unlikely that celebrity are being disabled by the NRA member Charlton Heston authorities the world over when will attend as he is suffering from they could be being used to shoot Alzheimer’s. Reports suggest that at stuff, like animals and tin cans, the illness has not affected his and maybe intruders.” ability to operate guns, rather his The NRA (established in ability to remember why he began 1871) has been publicly shooting in the first place - often commended by the Ku Klux Klan with hilarious consequences. (criminalized in 1871) who also The 2nd Amendment of feel that many of their hobbies the US Bill of Rights - written have been unfairly curtailed and Some of the students who stood for Durham City Council: from top left, clockwise: over 200 years ago - states that: stigmatized by the government Nicola Heaton, Joe Cookson, Chris Bolland and Fred Kuchlin “the right of the people to keep and media. A number of Durham students rampantly careerist CV- Liberal Democrat Councillor and and bear arms shall not be This reporter wishes to stood for election in last augmenters (no doubt unjustly) prospective parliamentary infringed.” keep a neutral stance on the week's local council elections. springs to mind. You can't really candidate Carol Woods was Time travelling debate, but will be keeping guns in MostlyHarmless, with a blame us when the NUS's enthusiastic at the prospect of Constitutional framer James his prayers in the coming weeks. healthy hint of cynicism, bungling attempts at 'relevant' ‘having more young people in Madison commented, “Free and raised its eyebrows. political debate forms the local politics.’ MH doesn't unrestricted ownership of semi- Durham's budding majority of direct student altogether disagree.With 10,000 automatic handguns by the politicians have been keen to involvement with the political students out of a population of general public in a free, peaceful establish a foothold in the local sphere. 70,000, it's a good idea to get USA under no threat from political scene for some time. Councillors themselves student voices heard on the external attack and in possession When MH thinks of student are actively encouraging a student Council. It's this that seems to be of the world’s largest and most politicians, the image of presence on the City Council. continued on page 8... powerful military is exactly what MostlyHarmless | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | Page 2 News for Local People Iran welcomed into Angel of the North Nuclear Club ‘not a real angel’ Siddharth Khajuria Wolfwhistle, said: ‘Iranians are Magnus Taylor not welcome here. What is Iran has made it into the exclusive happening to the world? They let Nuclear Club. Club secretary these Iranians into the club A group of American tourists Donald Blunt has posted Iranian swimming pool, they let some from Houston, Texas are President Mahmoud I’m-a- man called Tiger play at Augusta. reported to be ‘outraged’ at what dinner-jacket his membership What next? Palestinian they term ‘a dirty piece of card, entitling him to full use of Homeland?! Piffle. A Jihad on all blasphemous dishonesty’ clubhouse facilities. Blunt hopes their houses!’ perpetrated by the County that the recent expansion of Durham Tourist Board. It seems membership to include Iran, that the group in question were India and Pakistan should ease under the illusion that the North- fears of institutional racism at the East’s favourite peace of public controversial organisation. Blunt art, the Angel of the North, was told MH: ‘We welcome all creeds in fact the physical manifestation to the Nuclear Club.There is no of God’s right-hand man, the reason why the Arabs and Asians Angel Gabriel. It seems that the should not have equal access to confusion arose primarily due to our facilities, should they be the inability of the Americans to willing to pay their membership distinguish between fictitious fees.’ religious characters and objects Associate member, from the real world. It is believed Israel, was said to be seething at that the group considered Iranian membership. Sources invading the local Tourist Office close to Israel’s Nuclear and staying there until they representative told produced ‘the real Gabriel.’ MostlyHarmless that they did not However, they eventually decided believe Iran had a right to Ahmadinejad enjoys club to travel down to London, where membership.The source,Paul facilities they hoped to witness ‘a miracle of congestion charges’ carried Clarice out by the city’s patron saint, Ken Brown Sugar Racist Holt Livingston. Durham’s ethnic-minority what is says on the tin. I thought community have launched a this was going to be Durham’s top protest at Brown Sugar’s deceitful ethnic hangout when I applied, activities. Said Saeed Khan, leader but everytime I walk by, I don’t see Procrastination of student lobby group Black any of my brethren.” SK Flower, “Brown Sugar doesn’t do Tom Walker been forced to take the Mohammed media cancellation unprecedented step of banning As Durham enters its fraught and all thesauri from their shelves. In a statement issued today, quite as well as it could, frenzied final term, a recent Said one fresher: Mohammed has announced that particularly in the Arabic world. university report has indicated “Everyone knows that popularity he will not be making further Hopefully a moratorium on press that study hours have fallen to depends on being seen not doing media appearances this year after appearances will remind folks unprecedentedly low levels over any work. The longer the word is, his “poorly received” Danish about how they’ve lost out, and we the last year.The report suggests the more time you’ve obviously modelling campaign. His can try a more targeted campaign that the phenomenon stems from wasted both thinking of and spokesman said, “Naturally, we are in some time in 2008.” ‘Max’ a worrying new trend in which typing it. ‘Scratching my arse’ just disappointed that it didn’t take off students compete to find the doesn’t cut it in this age of longest word for ‘wasting time.’ polysyllables.” Student ‘bombing’ campaign The word This dangerous Fears ran high in Durham after said that they “had been watching ‘procrastination,’ an intimidating competition threatens to hamper two students were remanded in them for over an hour.They had fifteen letters long, has held sway Durham’s academic performance custody after under the Terrorism already engaged in the illegal over the Durham scene for some in the upcoming examinations, Act, reportedly close to instigating activities of ‘Running’, ‘Pushing’, months, but has recently been The late, great Richard and the editorial staff of MH a “campaign of bombing”. ‘Acrobatics/Gymnastics,’ ‘Heavy deemed not to be “quite Whitele. He liked his letters hereby pledge to declare a The pair, who had been Petting,’ and 'Diving In The pretentious enough” by linguistic moratorium on all academic work under MI5 surveillance for some Shallow End' – it is clear that it rush to make their mark on the time, were finally arrested in was only a matter of time before hipsters at the forefront of the vernacular, library staff have until the source of such movement. As eager students subversive actions is discovered. Durham Public Swimming Baths. they started bombing.” RH A spokesman for Scotland Yard www.mostly-harmless.org.uk Page 3 | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | MostlyHarmless From the Tabloids New Era Biggins Anton Lazurus examines what three of Durham’s Tom Walker and Ben Grafton journalistic goliaths have been saying... welcome Durham’s new VC... Anton Lazarus people who hate political University is just super. If the correctness. [[Ernst and Young, it's new Vice-Chancellor thinks The Sanctuary not boring.]] Even our very own students sitting on one another's Durham's student tabloid this queen of sexy socialites, Bronny laps and a one-in-one-out system edition features a pioneering Zita-Jones, was spotted gazing at for the short loans collection is Subliminal and Helpful In-Text fit men and scoffing mouthfuls of the best way to deal with the Graduate Advertisment Service Nutri-Grain bars behind a large problem, then who am I to (SHITGAS): pile of books in the bowels of disagree?"..
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