MH//Opinion MostlyHarmless 10 ways out of a wonders about hostage situation Obama, the ugly side of page 7 Condoms, Durham’s bin- Madonna and raiders... more..... The MH Short Story pages 4-5 Page 11 mostlyharmless durham’s latest satire and comment issue 4, easter 2007 PUBLIC SERVICE? DEAD GUNS - DSU President questions motivations of council candidates - NRA to hold memorial for gun law victims - DUS President stands despite commitment to year abroad - Gun senselessly deactivated every 3 seconds - Prospective councillor ‘neither lived nor worked’ in ward William G. Pilgrim we had in mind when wrote the 2nd Amendment.” He then The National Rifle Association proceeded to spend over 20 announced this week that it is to minutes loading his musket, fired hold a memorial service to one shot at a small deer and remember the innocent victims of travelled back to 1791. gun control laws across the High-profile events have developed world. already been scheduled in support “Every three seconds, a of Gun Aid. A memorial service gun is senselessly deactivated in is to be held in Kigali, Rwanda, in the prime of its life by the evil memory of hundreds of heartless liberal governments of thousands of machetes that have the Western world,” announced been melted down and used to NRA board member Ted Nugent. build hospitals and such like. “We must put a stop to this NRA President Sandra senseless waste of potential”. Froman responded to questions at The memorial service yesterday’s NRA press- will be attended by politicians, conference: diplomats, NRA members and “All you ever hear about gun enthusiasts from all over on the news is ‘HIV this’ and America, and is the start to a ‘famine that’. Nobody seems to month long international ‘Gun care about the important stuff. Aid’ campaign. The fact of the matter is that guns It is unlikely that celebrity are being disabled by the NRA member Charlton Heston authorities the world over when will attend as he is suffering from they could be being used to shoot Alzheimer’s. Reports suggest that at stuff, like animals and tin cans, the illness has not affected his and maybe intruders.” ability to operate guns, rather his The NRA (established in ability to remember why he began 1871) has been publicly shooting in the first place - often commended by the Ku Klux Klan with hilarious consequences. (criminalized in 1871) who also The 2nd Amendment of feel that many of their hobbies the US Bill of Rights - written have been unfairly curtailed and Some of the students who stood for Durham City Council: from top left, clockwise: over 200 years ago - states that: stigmatized by the government Nicola Heaton, Joe Cookson, Chris Bolland and Fred Kuchlin “the right of the people to keep and media. A number of Durham students rampantly careerist CV- Liberal Democrat Councillor and and bear arms shall not be This reporter wishes to stood for election in last augmenters (no doubt unjustly) prospective parliamentary infringed.” keep a neutral stance on the week's local council elections. springs to mind. You can't really candidate Carol Woods was Time travelling debate, but will be keeping guns in MostlyHarmless, with a blame us when the NUS's enthusiastic at the prospect of Constitutional framer James his prayers in the coming weeks. healthy hint of cynicism, bungling attempts at 'relevant' ‘having more young people in Madison commented, “Free and raised its eyebrows. political debate forms the local politics.’ MH doesn't unrestricted ownership of semi- Durham's budding majority of direct student altogether disagree.With 10,000 automatic handguns by the politicians have been keen to involvement with the political students out of a population of general public in a free, peaceful establish a foothold in the local sphere. 70,000, it's a good idea to get USA under no threat from political scene for some time. Councillors themselves student voices heard on the external attack and in possession When MH thinks of student are actively encouraging a student Council. It's this that seems to be of the world’s largest and most politicians, the image of presence on the City Council. continued on page 8... powerful military is exactly what MostlyHarmless | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | Page 2 News for Local People Iran welcomed into Angel of the North Nuclear Club ‘not a real angel’ Siddharth Khajuria Wolfwhistle, said: ‘Iranians are Magnus Taylor not welcome here. What is Iran has made it into the exclusive happening to the world? They let Nuclear Club. Club secretary these Iranians into the club A group of American tourists Donald Blunt has posted Iranian swimming pool, they let some from Houston, Texas are President Mahmoud I’m-a- man called Tiger play at Augusta. reported to be ‘outraged’ at what dinner-jacket his membership What next? Palestinian they term ‘a dirty piece of card, entitling him to full use of Homeland?! Piffle. A Jihad on all blasphemous dishonesty’ clubhouse facilities. Blunt hopes their houses!’ perpetrated by the County that the recent expansion of Durham Tourist Board. It seems membership to include Iran, that the group in question were India and Pakistan should ease under the illusion that the North- fears of institutional racism at the East’s favourite peace of public controversial organisation. Blunt art, the Angel of the North, was told MH: ‘We welcome all creeds in fact the physical manifestation to the Nuclear Club.There is no of God’s right-hand man, the reason why the Arabs and Asians Angel Gabriel. It seems that the should not have equal access to confusion arose primarily due to our facilities, should they be the inability of the Americans to willing to pay their membership distinguish between fictitious fees.’ religious characters and objects Associate member, from the real world. It is believed Israel, was said to be seething at that the group considered Iranian membership. Sources invading the local Tourist Office close to Israel’s Nuclear and staying there until they representative told produced ‘the real Gabriel.’ MostlyHarmless that they did not However, they eventually decided believe Iran had a right to Ahmadinejad enjoys club to travel down to London, where membership.The source,Paul facilities they hoped to witness ‘a miracle of congestion charges’ carried Clarice out by the city’s patron saint, Ken Brown Sugar Racist Holt Livingston. Durham’s ethnic-minority what is says on the tin. I thought community have launched a this was going to be Durham’s top protest at Brown Sugar’s deceitful ethnic hangout when I applied, activities. Said Saeed Khan, leader but everytime I walk by, I don’t see Procrastination of student lobby group Black any of my brethren.” SK Flower, “Brown Sugar doesn’t do Tom Walker been forced to take the Mohammed media cancellation unprecedented step of banning As Durham enters its fraught and all thesauri from their shelves. In a statement issued today, quite as well as it could, frenzied final term, a recent Said one fresher: Mohammed has announced that particularly in the Arabic world. university report has indicated “Everyone knows that popularity he will not be making further Hopefully a moratorium on press that study hours have fallen to depends on being seen not doing media appearances this year after appearances will remind folks unprecedentedly low levels over any work. The longer the word is, his “poorly received” Danish about how they’ve lost out, and we the last year.The report suggests the more time you’ve obviously modelling campaign. His can try a more targeted campaign that the phenomenon stems from wasted both thinking of and spokesman said, “Naturally, we are in some time in 2008.” ‘Max’ a worrying new trend in which typing it. ‘Scratching my arse’ just disappointed that it didn’t take off students compete to find the doesn’t cut it in this age of longest word for ‘wasting time.’ polysyllables.” Student ‘bombing’ campaign The word This dangerous Fears ran high in Durham after said that they “had been watching ‘procrastination,’ an intimidating competition threatens to hamper two students were remanded in them for over an hour.They had fifteen letters long, has held sway Durham’s academic performance custody after under the Terrorism already engaged in the illegal over the Durham scene for some in the upcoming examinations, Act, reportedly close to instigating activities of ‘Running’, ‘Pushing’, months, but has recently been The late, great Richard and the editorial staff of MH a “campaign of bombing”. ‘Acrobatics/Gymnastics,’ ‘Heavy deemed not to be “quite Whitele. He liked his letters hereby pledge to declare a The pair, who had been Petting,’ and 'Diving In The pretentious enough” by linguistic moratorium on all academic work under MI5 surveillance for some Shallow End' – it is clear that it rush to make their mark on the time, were finally arrested in was only a matter of time before hipsters at the forefront of the vernacular, library staff have until the source of such movement. As eager students subversive actions is discovered. Durham Public Swimming Baths. they started bombing.” RH A spokesman for Yard www.mostly-harmless.org.uk Page 3 | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | MostlyHarmless From the Tabloids New Era Biggins Anton Lazurus examines what three of Durham’s Tom Walker and Ben Grafton journalistic goliaths have been saying... welcome Durham’s new VC... Anton Lazarus people who hate political University is just super. If the correctness. [[Ernst and Young, it's new Vice-Chancellor thinks The Sanctuary not boring.]] Even our very own students sitting on one another's Durham's student tabloid this queen of sexy socialites, Bronny laps and a one-in-one-out system edition features a pioneering Zita-Jones, was spotted gazing at for the short loans collection is Subliminal and Helpful In-Text fit men and scoffing mouthfuls of the best way to deal with the Graduate Advertisment Service Nutri-Grain bars behind a large problem, then who am I to (SHITGAS): pile of books in the bowels of disagree?"... Science Site's new most popular building.[[JP Morgan; we pay you durham21.co.uk money.]] Numbers at the library LAST CHANCE STUDY- have been steadily increasing ROOM? Sackme Moose asks: New Durham VC: Star of Stage and Screen? since The Sanctuary was first why are we all doing everything at Christopher Biggins Christopher Higgins distributed there at the start of the last minute? As usual at this the academic year... time of year, students have been gathering in Durham's main Tom Walker applied for the new position, has library somewhat like small Ben Grafton apparently taken his rejection DSU CALLS FOR MORE insects around a pile of freshly with good grace, and plans to SPACE IN LIBRARY The laid bovine-turd. While some After a series of gruelling devote his new found spare time usual pre-exam overcrowding in people come to Durham to work interviews, is to amateur dramatics, chamber the Library this week has led to hard throughout the year, delighted to announce the recent music and judo. calls for library extension plans to managing to contribute a never- appointment of its new Vice- One university official, be brought forward. Former ending stream of articles to an Chancellor, Christopher Biggins. who wished to remain nameless Palatinate office-cleaner and award-winning student media The comic actor, who shot to told us, ‘The job of Vice- media hero George Alagiah, website, while completing all of fame in the 1970s with iconic Chancellor is an extremely speaking in an exclusive interview their assignments on time to a appearances in Porridge and important one, so it was crucial with Palatinate, recalls: "The first class standard, others leave Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, that we got the right man. Whilst library was always busy before their 'revision' to the last minute. replaces Sir Kenneth we scoured far and wide, there exams." DSU president Alex Are these people just a group of was only one man who could Duncan told Palatinate: "The selfish thick-kids too busy not ever match the energy, ingenuity LIBRARY IS BUSY! [[Working reading this award-winning “The comic and charisma of Sir Kenneth, for Deloitte would be great.]] website to get anywhere in life? actor who and that was Christopher Students return to Durham this Last time Durham21 picked up Biggins.’ term to find the former exclusive an award, which was last week... shot to fame Sir Kenneth moves to home of geeks, losers and foreign in the 1970s ... take up his new position as students full of cool and pretty replaces Sir Chancellor of University, and considers the THIS ISSUE K enneth post an exciting new opportunity 'terrifyingly- Issue four’s highlights in his long, glittering career. ‘There's plenty of scope include: eff icient' for change there,' he told MH. Calman” 'Student accommodation is far - MH Opinion - condoms, too cheap, and they haven't even Africans, rock stars and 'terrifyingly-efficient' Calman, introduced top-up fees yet. I'll more: pages 4-5 who is moving on to pastures soon show those backward - Esther Rudolph returns. new after 9 years at the helm. Celts.' This time she’s stuck in Biggins, who will be the the library: page 8 university’s twenty-third Vice- - Make your own map of Chancellor, has perhaps become Africa: page 9 better known more recently for - a short story about his moving portrayals of ‘Widow Durham’s latest fad, Twankey’ in a series of sell-out ‘freeganism’: page 11 pantomimes. His appointment - Spot the difference with will be seen as a godsend for many, who feared that the gaping MH: back page hole left by Sir Kenneth Calman would prove to be unfillable. Professor Christopher F Produced by: Higgins, BSc, PhD, FRSE, www.quotemeprint.com FRSA, FmedSci, who also Cheerio Ken! 0845 1300 667 what not to do with your tabloid.. Clarice Holt [email protected] MostlyHarmless | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | Page 4 MostlyHarmless//Opinion Shock as black man runs for President As Obama mounts a forceful bid for the White House, Magnus Taylor looks at the colour of his skin

Magnus Taylor first African-American to edit and Iran and is only really Clinton in these stakes. If grow to love him for being the prestigious Harvard Law moderately black. Obama continues to sell himself young, gifted and only just a Oh my America! Land of the Review, but this does little to America can cope with so effectively, people may well little bit black. free, home of liberty, bastion of connect him with your average Barack because he doesn’t go democracy, inventor of the resident of Harlem or New around shouting: ‘Black Power’ CIA-sponsored Third World Orleans.Just because Obama is or advocating hip-hop and the coup.Well, that’s enough black, it doesn’t mean that he Nation of Islam as a means of platitudes to be getting on with. should automatically be seen as social progress. Obama is not Believe it or not, this headline is the champion of black America. the saviour of the black America actually true, and we have some He has about as much to do because in a truly meaningful serious and weighty socio- with black America as Prince sense he is only tangentially political analysis to get stuck Harry does with white . black-American himself. He has into. Politics in America is shot off in a direction Barack Obama is rich, about identifying with great inaccessible to the vast majority Harvard-educated and also swathes of the electorate and of his black brothers. This running for the Democratic engendering some sort of makes him a politically potent presidential nomination. On the personal affinity with your force because he looks different face of it there are no real candidate. Bush found his home but sounds pretty much the surprises here. However, the one within the conservative God- same. My analysis may be crucial difference with Obama is bothering Christian Right. They simple, but the reality is that that he is not your average white swallowed his born-again most people vote in elections on middle-class American. He is in crusader rhetoric without too the basis of pretty simple fact a black middle-class much thought about his actual perceptions.This is how American. The question is: does credentials for the job. In democracy works. Image and this really makes any difference? contrast, Obama is pretty money rule, and Obama has Obama did not grow up in the moderate: he wants a moderate already shown he has the talent ghetto. He spent most of his phased withdrawal from Iraq, to match even dangerously early life in Hawaii. He was the moderate dialogue with Syria liberal liberals such as Hilary The Condom Conundrum Intrepid MH reporter Emily Dukakis tests her sex-ed know-how...

Emily Dukakis good music, but that doesn’t so. ‘Students clueless about mean to say that it does. condoms,’ proclaimed their press Over a third of students believe I’d assume that the release. that condoms ‘have holes in them correct answer to that question Raising awareness of sex large enough to allow HIV to was yes, it’s possible for them to get ed is a good idea, but making an pass through.’ Really? So says a holes in, and yes, if there is a otherwise unexciting survey survey run by the good old NUS hole, HIV could pass through it. A instantly sensational by being and the Terence Higgins Trust, a reasonable response? The ‘creative with the truth’ is sex education NGO.This is Terence Higgins Trust, emphatically not the way to go pretty shocking stuff. obediently parroted by the BBC’s about it. I was in the middle of website (see picture) didn’t think reaching for the green ink to write to my MP in protest when I suddenly remembered my cynical duty. I decided to take the online quiz myself, and, coming to the infamous question, noticed something strange. It actually read: ‘Can condoms have holes in them large enough to allow HIV to pass through?’ Well, sure, they can. Klute theoretically can play www.mostly-harmless.org.uk Page 5 | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | MostlyHarmless Madonna Saves Planet (again!) Siddharth Khajuria newbie from Ho Chi Minh City. listen to James Blunt grumble Musicians, like and moan. The problem lies Child thief Madonna is back, this politicians, realise the need to elsewhere: thinking that celebrity time to save the world from hold public attention. In 2005, charity makes any sort of long- meltdown. The ageing rocker that meant Live 8, a series of lasting, sustainable difference. will perform at London’s Live concerts designed to coincide Good causes, politics and Earth concert, part of a with the meeting of the G8 popular culture have to work in “monumental music event that nations. Back then, making some sort of unity. But if in two will bring together more than 2 poverty history was all the rage. years time we’re talking about billion people to combat the And huzzah, they made poverty climate change as much we’re climate crisis”. history. You can’t hear it talking about Africa now, there Artists such as anymore. could be trouble lying ahead. Madonna, Keane, Snow Patrol Ever since David The problem of tying and James Blunt will deliver a Cameron rode a bicycle to work charitable action to politics and “call to action”, to 2 billion (tailed by car and helicopter), popular culture is that the latter global “participants”. Following politicians, musicians and the two have the attention span of a their success in relieving a media have been battling over all toddler with ADHD.There are number of African nations from things green. Things that a few only so many leader articles, famine, poverty and their years ago were obscure comment pieces and features to children, rockers feel their work irrelevancies have been thrust be written about the planet there is done. into prominence: carbon slowly getting warmer.The More importantly, footprints, Guardian guides to problem with popularising green Africa just isn’t ‘cool’ any more. middle-class wind-turbines and politics is that it becomes Child thievery has – as this an increasingly rotund former fashionable. And at some stage, publication predicted in its first Vice President. much like Africa, it’ll go out of issue – moved on to yellower There’s nothing wrong fashion... pastures. Earlier this year, with giving Al Gore a little bit of Sanctuary Angelina Jolie picked up a love, or letting 2 billion people Newspaper tailored to you Saul Alinsky hitting satire and irreverent content”, the distinction designed The Sanctuary is a masterful bit to “take into account the of craftswomanship.Your perceived difference in reader intrepid correspondent did a bit taste in each university”. of digging and ventured onto its It’s a wonderfully website, where it is suggested that euphemistic way of depicting

one of the newspaper’s strengths Durham’s “light-hearted” and is the manner in which it is “casual” populace as “ignorant” tailored to the readership at each and “stupid”. It would seem, of its universities. according to the Sanctuary’s very The Durham Sanctuary, own publicity material, that we’re for example, is depicted as being not suited to the “hard-hitting Hannah Yadi deliberately “light-hearted and satire” and “irreverent content” casual” whereas the Bristol dished out to Bristol’s edgy Madonna trades in last season’s model for a fresh bit of Asia... Sanctuary “consists of hard student population. [email protected] MostlyHarmless | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | Page 6

Perfect for binge shopping Books and prints to musical instruments Homebrew to Home Cooking Party Jokes to Party Foods Shellfish to Shoes

You’ll be amazed at the variety, quality and value for money on a vast range of foods and non-food items in the indoor market. Ask at our stalls for any extra student discounts. DURHAM INDOOR MARKET

Open Monday to Saturday 9am - 5pm Market Place, Durham Tel: 0191 384 6153 www.durhammarkets.co.uk Page 7| Issue 4, Easter 2007 | MostlyHarmless The MostlyHarmless guide Footballer beats paraplegic woman 10 Ways to Escape a The patients of St. Anne's checkmates to 0. ‘I always Hospital, Manchester, were in thought he was mentally shock last night, after seeing retarded,’ commented one hostage situation Manchester United and England onlooker. ‘But he destroyed footballer Wayne Rooney poor Mrs Rogers. I'm shocked. Nick Collins submission. 8. Wait for your government to savagely beat a wheelchair- What a clever man.’ NC Ideally a 2-man job.Wait till he negotiate your release. bound female patient. Rooney In light of our fourteen heroes takes you for exercise, then Optimistic. (See image below) was at the hospital to attend the and one slightly-more-publicised BAM! Note: Flaying * annual chess night as part of heroine escaping from Iran in a implements necessary. 9. Call upon the mighty Manchester United's trail-blazing show of * Prophet Muhammed to community outreach submission, Mostly Harmless 4. Flay yourself until they engulf your captors' spirits in programme, and after signing offers a timely guide offering release you out of pity. a spiralling curtain of eternal autographs, he revealed his various methods of escape, for For those held by more darkness, and to empower ruthless streak by mercilessly the persual of the more sympathetic/apathetic captors. your brothers to eliminate all beating his opponent by 5 discerning detainee. Not one to try amidst the traces of them and their pestilence of a deserted Tora infidel race with a range of 1. The "Great Escape" Bora cavernous hell-hole after a equally horrific explosive and Just wait for that inevitable US Cruise Missile's just leveled chemical attacks. moment when the entire prison the local children's hospital, Gage the religious leanings of system lets its guard down for believe me. your captors before you spring exactly five minutes, and escape * this one on them - I cannot using whichever 5. Entice the Jailer's Dog with stress this enough. You might be tunnel/disguise/system of a Stray Bone lucky, but there's also a fairly levers and pulleys miraculously Works especially well on pirate good chance that you could gives you a window of ships. make things worse. Hannah Yadi opportunity. * * * 6. Strike a baragin. 10. Admit your guilt, 2. The “Nail-File on the Your Rolex, and the Mars Bar in apologise, publicly state your Window Bars” your pocket, for your imminent regret and foolishness, thank Perfect for any detainee hoping release.They're foreign - of your captors for a lovely stay, to escape an unguarded cell circa course you can out-barter them. go home. Say exact opposite 1850. * for £100,000. * 7. Stockholm Syndrome Self-explanatory. 3. Flay the Guard until he One up the bum, no harm done. gives you the keys in

Clarice Holt 8. Wait for your government to negotiate your release [email protected] MostlyHarmless | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | Page 8 Education, Education, Education? Minor Party News A round up of alternative political news... Andrew Tickell by a panel of three members of the Conservative Party willing to Richard Hadden moved in a six-foot-square Robert Kilroy Silk's new political certify them as ‘Bonus Ovum’ and commune in Surrey, built out of party argues that the role of fit for high office. BNP calls for ban on “smelly recycled wicker baskets from last education in Britain is booming A spokeswoman for the cheese” year's Womad festival. To The British National Party leader demonstrate their self-sufficiency, "out of control", misplacing the conservative Unitary Policy think Nick Griffin has called for a they are refusing all “imports” and sceptre of public power in the tank has given aggressive support complete ban on “smelly foreign have managed to cultivate two hands of those unworthy to bear to the party's position, but has also cheeses” such as Roquefort, turnips and a carrot. it. praised Evade Cameron of the Gorgonzola and overripe The party manifesto Conservatives for "appearing to Camembert. He stated: “They all Monster Raving Loony Party in argues that "this country was built have no career at all. A sterling smell revolting.We don't want tax “rethink” upon the honest foundation of figure. Blair is less successful, flavoursome foreign cheeses The Monster Raving Loony Party the Englishman who rolls up his having qualified as a barrister. overrunning our country and has called for a reform of the sleeves and takes to the task. Not Certainly, he seems to have stealing the market share of British government’s tax policy. Said their greedy Scotch or muck-faced Mick pleaded no cases, but that is hardly mild, rubbery, tasteless, mass- spokesgibbon: “We advocate a flat- with his grubbers in the public the point. He is still possessed of produced Cheddar. All smelly tax policy. Giggle.” purse, fingering their so-called the loutishness of learning." cheeses should be deported right "degrees". The days of Churchill Kilroy Silk's line is away. Apart from Stilton, UKIP “falls asleep” and Pitt are numbered, and particularly strong on military obviously.” The UK Independence Party Britannia is the worse for it. This matters, promising to close the (UKIP) has fallen asleep on a fixation on formal learning is Un- Officer Training Camp at Kilroy-Silk Greens “move into commune” beach near St. Tropez. English. The Englishman's home Sandhurst during his first 100 days The Green Party has recently is his castle, whether it's in Stoke in office. Although usually motion and use of a body of men, or not. And he's entitled to his reluctant to speak in political and look at the success he had." opinion on it." circles, Britain's highest army "I fear that some of the loss of life Adams and Paisley In his first press officer, Field Marshall Sir Wimple associated with Iraq must be conference yesterday, Kilroy Silk Stanley Whipshot whispered to attributed to the so-called ‘have Pizza’ condemned all university courses, MostlyHarmless that "The Empire 'education' provided to the save for the Oxford degree in PPE was built on that solid cornerstone soldiers - leading them to over The sun rose in a spree of neo- In a particularly (Puttering & Polite Erudition) in of British shipping: the expert reach themselves.Form square to romanticist rhetoric on a new symbolic gesture, Rev. Paisley which the students do not have to amateur.Wellington. Indeed, all receive cavalry, or form line to give and rose-tinged future for agreed to allowed Mr Adams to attend any lectures, and are his officers received no technical fire. It's terrifically simple." Northern Ireland yesterday after order anchovies on the pizza, a examined only in their final year training whatsoever in the proper it emerged that the Moderately key sticking point in Reverend Ian Paisley, leader of negotiations that had previously Student Councillors (continued from front page...) the DUP, and Sinn Fein Top prevented any pizza being motivating the likes of Joe Bolland polled 142 votes, considered it 'unlikely in the Honcho Gerry Adams had met ordered at all, leaving both Cookson, a Conservative candidate, trailing the leading candidate, extreme' that the residents of Pelaw last night for what has been parties with the options of garlic who described the fact that Liberal Democrat Barbara Howard, and Gilesgate would elect him, described as a historic “pizza”. bread or nothing. RH 'nobody' spoke for the 2500 out of by 1071 votes, and was even Kuchlin stood in the knowledge 4000 students in his ward as ‘a defeated by the electoral might of that he would be unable to serve disgrace.’ the Durham Taxpayers’ Alliance. the full duration of his term. He is So, which student issues It would be churlish to a linguist and will spend the next Examinations stole have the council neglected thus far? mock such defeats - David year in Russia. Did the 108 people Chris Bolland, another Cameron himself admitted last who voted Conservative in Pelaw my soul Conservative candidate, cited month that the party had ‘a fight on and Gilesgate know this? lowering council tax and eradicating its hands' to improve its poor Kuchlin stated that he Magnus Taylor The next, I found myself the congestion charge as his key electoral position in the North. In would have been ‘pleased to step working for Deloitte with a concerns. However, students in this respect, he extolled the fact aside’ if an elusive candidate ‘who The examination season looms company car, two kids, and a Durham pay no council tax and that his party had put up more wasn’t taking a year abroad’ over Durham like a great black wife I met in freshers’ week. It very rarely use cars. Bolland stated candidates for election than any materialised. If the only candidates cloud of lingering discontent. was as if all my hopes and that he was ‘not standing to other. that can be found are those who are Vivacious young adults in the dreams had suddenly vanished, represent students specifically, but However, it is hard to in Russia next year, then maybe it’s prime of their lives sit trapped and been replaced with financial to represent the people of Carville believe that he imagined that this better that there are no candidates. breathing the artificial air of the stability and a Skoda.” [sic.] & Gilesgate Moor’. Sure, but if ‘fight’ would be successfully carried When asked about paper library and dreaming of a Sadly, this is by no we need a student voice so badly, out by a bunch of student residents candidates such as Kuchlin, Carol utopian world without mind- means an isolated example of a why does this voice focus on issues with fairly tenuous long-term ties to Woods suggested that the issue was numbing tests of intellectual condition known as ‘Corporate that are barely relevant to students the area. Joe Cookson told MH that a matter of 'personal integrity'. The themselves? he considered it ‘questionable’ that outgoing DSU President, Alex application. Mind Shrinking Disorder’ Bolland freely admitted any candidate from Lancashire, the Duncan, shares her concerns. ‘It's A Durham graduate told (CMSD). The symptoms are easy that he neither lived nor worked in South or the West Coast should be interesting to note that certain us that his descent into mindless- to spot, and generally include a his ward. Had he ever been there? standing.Perhaps he is right. people standing for the council middle-class-malaise could be propensity to memorise ‘Many times in the past few weeks, MH’s scepticism was have no plans to stay in Durham traced back to the fateful pointless lists of facts and and it is certainly a lovely part of further aroused by the nature of beyond June.This, surely, raises summer of ‘94, when he sat his figures, to eschew human contact Durham'. Can such a candidate the candidates selected. Frederick questions as to whether they will be philosophy finals. ‘It was and develop a misplaced belief hold as genuinely large a stake in Kuchlin, also Easter Term able to perform the role, and as to terrible.’ he whimpered. ‘One that the path to happiness is the local community as someone President of the Durham Union what their real motivation for moment I was having a lovely paved with revision notes and who lives there, and moreover does Society, ran for election in Pelaw standing may be." argument about existentialism. first-class honours. so throughout the year? and Gilesgate Ward. Though he www.mostly-harmless.org.uk Page 9 | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | MostlyHarmless MH Cartography: Angola and Algeria anachronisms? ‘Transgender MH Cartographer-in-chief Alistair Cormack gives a you chance to reshape Africa levels reach record high’ - says facebook

Ben Grafton

Durham University has more than twice the national average of trans-gender students, MH has discovered. In a recent Facebook survey, 12% of Durham students were listed as neither male nor female. Said Terri Smith of the Durham LGBT association, ‘Although the results do not reveal anything specific, like how many students are pre or post-operation transsexuals, the the outdated, ‘traditional’, view of Africa the future? news will be very warmly Alistair Cormack Belgium, the major European Leopold and draw your own Best map receives a received by our members.’ powers declared that drawing of arbitrary borders - how hard can banana from Bono. Second place The study is the first in European imperialists admit they arbitrary straight borders across it be? Note: use a really small gets a postcard from Madonna's a series of Facebook surveys may have got it wrong with the continent with no regard for pencil as maps are drawn to scale adopted child. currently being undertaken, and Africa. historical, ethnic and tribal* and your biro based scrawl may appears, for the moment, to Following a posthumous boundaries may not have been a end up being over 50 miles wide, *note that the use of the word tribal is confirm Durham’s status as the meeting of David Livingstone, great idea. leading to villages being left in a highly controversial, and may itself be a most liberal and open-minded Cecil Rhodes, Henry Morton MH now gives you a war torn no mans land 75 years manifestation of Western Neo- university in the county.. Stanley, and King Leopold II of chance to do better than King from now. Palladian ideals. Esther Rudolph visits the Library...

Esther Rudolph tome on Weberian social theory next? Are we all going to be to do was tidy up the library I’ve been chasing for weeks, let “Hello shooting up on Palace Green? I before retiring to the little Ahh, the library; my haven, my out a little sigh of contentment, suppose this is meant to be all underground burrow where it home… my church. The library and get stuck in, pen at the ready. Michael. I very Oasis and cool. Well, this goes with all the other library is the only true refuge from the Cor, I pity all those idiots isn’t Human Traffic, pal; this is staff to sing gnome songs and general squalor of the living out tonight, having a laugh, want to play a Durham. If you want to go sleep at the end of the day. Oh, room with its green-foamed cups dancing theatrically to that poor- clubbing and have massive illegal the depravity! As far as I’m of tea and bits of crisp in the excuse-for-a-eunuch, Mika. I’m game.We’re raves and legendary house parties concerned, if you’re going to do carpet and the sound of Alistair getting some learning in, and will and generally have a really good that, the best place is in a pitch- pretending to study in his room be at least an hour and a half going to test time, sod off to Manchester. black locked room, in a quiet but actually watching Tyra Banks ahead in revision when we sit our I go back to Weber and house, between the hours of ten go off on one on America’s Next exams. Haha! Come on Max your library frown behind a large textbook. I and one, with sanitised laundry, Top Model. Peace, love, freedom, Weber; show me your secrets, suppose I was asking for it, going at least two forms of alphabetisation; the library is a surrender your love… skills. I’m to the library at the Dark Hour. contraception and a boy who beacon for all that is good in Fifteen minutes later and holding a This is the hour that people do it knows your surname and doesn’t society. I’m so bored I want to die. in the library, allegedly. And by keep calling you Caz, or, as It’s 9pm and it’s all lovely Kssspoh! What was that? I look chainsaw in allegedly, I mean this is what your sometimes happens in Durham, and quiet, completely empty, and up to see a boy sitting across freshers’ rep tells you with not a Tim. partly dark and resembles the set from me, behind a tall stack of one hand and small amount of glee while The obnoxious boy in of an American university slasher books, wearing a massive parka, pennying you until your eyesight the parka lets out a loud belch movie (“Hullo?!... Is anybody and swigging from a can of 901.82 FER in goes sideways.People doing it in and produces a foot-long Subway there?...” A voice comes over the Carlsberg like this is what people the library – why?! It’s the from his bag. What are you going tannoy: “Hello Michael. I want to do all the time. I gawp at him in the other. ultimate degradation of a sacred to do next, huh? Light a fag and play a game.We’re going to test disbelief and he just stares back place! use Microeconomics For Public your library skills. I’m holding a at me, glugging, expressionless, Where am I, What if one of the Policy as an ashtray? If anyone is chainsaw in one hand and 901.82 like a big defiant breast-feeding library staff finds you and going to get crushed in the FER in the other.Where am I, baby. I should say something, but Michael? staggers backwards, clutching its electronically-operated journal Michael? Where am I?”) So I I’m just too… British. This is a eyes and screaming its ear- shelving by that slasher, pal, it’s settle down on level 4 with the library, for pete’s sake! What’s Where am I?” splitting pixie’s cry? All it wanted you. [email protected] MostlyHarmless | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | Page 10 A Little bit of Durham Life Royal Wedding Off Ben Grafton reports on marital The Insiders’ Guide distress at Durham University... Ben Grafton Bryson. ‘I’ve met both Will and to Durham Kate at numerous university University officials were said to garden parties, and I felt that the Rachel Rutty provides an insider’s look at Durham’s be distraught last week at the strength of their relationship was infamous nightlife... news that the influential couple a perfect example to all young Rachel Rutty William and Kate were to people.To hear that they’ve 28/04/07 separate after a solid five-year separated is an absolute travesty, 24/04/2007 I haven’t written for a relationship. Having been not least because I was centring Today I walked right into few days as I went back to visit forewarned of impending the whole plot of my Bondage. It was so embarrassing Daddy. He just got moved to the relationship crises by tabloid forthcoming book around the - I had a huge spot and my tan is open facility near Guildford-on- heavyweight The Sanctuary, love-story that is, or rather was, fading so it looks huge! He was the-Wirral. The solicitors say that Durham held back a tear as it Will and Kate.’ with Muff, Scro and Ed, on the I’m not to discuss money there at learned that twenty-five year-old Incredibly, 79 per cent of way back from training. Muff was all, as people might listen in, but Hatfield beauty Kate Tiddleton Durham’s female students believe a little twitchy from the steroids Daddy and I pretended we were and her dashing husband-to-be, that they will find their husbands and Bondage wanted to take him discussing cakes instead. I had an Will Royal, 24, had broken up. at university, whilst a whopping home safely, so he was holding awful misunderstanding.I Staff and students alike 95 per cent of Durham males his hand. Bondage has had his decided to go over to B & M’s joined the outcry, refusing to can’t believe they found their way stitches taken out and apparently house when I got back, and I believe that two attractive and home last night. Luckily for the he’s booked into surgery to walked into Muff ’s bedroom to intelligent young adults could city’s singletons, however, the correct the angle of the scar. see him kissing a black man! I have possibly entered into a break-up of the North-East’s Once the others were talking pretended I didn’t see and left, most glamorous couple does not together, he whispered that he’d but later confessed to Bondage. “79 per cent of appear to have changed attitudes see me at Klute later. My only He tried not to laugh, and said it towards dating one jot, as hordes Durham’s female worry is that Sienna Thompson- was a rugby initiation thing and of budding fiancées continue to to A&E. Sienna T-W-A-T, got Willan-Aanyatopolis-Trivers will meant nothing. I was very students believe queue outside Klute every night. there first, by the time I arrived be there. She found out he knows relieved as Petunia has been Things could have been they were leaving.Today my liver that they will Prince Harry and has been like a crushing over him for weeks, but a hell of a lot worse,’ admitted the hurts, so I missed Brown Sugar bitch on heat ever since. Bon assured me Muff hates gays. honorary Dr. Bryson, and I had three oatcakes and a lie find their We both found some common optimistically. ‘But thankfully our down. Lectures don’t start until 25/04/2007 ground. I felt like he really husbands at students still have the good old Thursday and Suzy has promised Klute was messy after opened up. Bon said he wasn’t British media to fall back on, I can borrow her notes, and she university, whilst Mummy’s detox plan and Swiss interested in T.W.A.T. and even granting them access to a writes down everything. Gregory Air. I did see Bondage, but Scro got Mbutom Mbare to make us a whopping 95 multitude of idealistic also said I could have his second had split his lip in a vicious game some cocoa. I feel like this might relationships on which to base essay, so tomorrow I can sleep per cent of of staple-to-the-beat and was off actually come to something! the foundation of their romantic this bug off. Durham males lives.Pete Doherty and Kate can’t believe they Moss,Posh and Becks - the role models are out there. I’m just sad Krazy Charities Kommittee found their way that on this occasion I didn’t get home last night.” to buy a new hat.’ ‘Prince of my Heart’ will got Karried away relationship that did not end in be available from all good Rob Sykes money for those charities out departed so as not to be late for marriage. University Polo captain bookstores on May 12th. there, wouldn’t you?’ asked the her sponsored fire-walk. and future Castle College The latest DUCK organised DUCK Head of Public Relations The environmental president Will and promising event to raise money ‘for charity’ Zoë ‘The Madcap’ Madison, ‘but damage caused by the media lawyer Kate are said to has flabbergasted there is plenty more where that ‘custardation’ of the river is have mutually ended their environmentalists and normal came from. How about a bungee expected to reach billions of relationship during a recent ski- people alike. Their most recent jump off the top of the library pounds. However, according to trip to Biarritz. But whilst scores plan, that of draining the River into a bucket of pickled onions? Zoë this is a small price to pay to of Durham’s rag-readers Wear and refilling it with custard Or a load of us actually going out show the world how zany the expressed initial sadness upon so that a rugby team can race a to ‘Africa,’ and getting people to Charities Kommittee really is. She hearing the news, the tide of small gazelle through it, has been give us money for climbing a again pointed out at this point sorrow soon turned to outrage. seen by many as a step too far. great big hill?’ When asked how that they spell committee with a ‘This is absolutely ‘You’d think that we exactly this made money for ‘K’ so that their initials spell appalling!’ said university would run out of zany ideas to charities, Zoë replied that this DUCK - a subtle pun which I’m chancellor and idealist, Bill King Bryson was distraught keep raising more and more was outside her remit and quickly sure has passed many of us by. www.mostly-harmless.org.uk Page 11 | Issue 4, Easter 2007 | MostlyHarmless The MH Short Story Free to those who can afford it... Durham’s student bin-raiders regularly went foraging for food last term. Such saintly ‘freegans’, disgusted at the senseless daily waste of food, sought to save dozens of blueberry cheesecakes from a premature demise. ‘Think of all those starving Africans who'd kill for a slice of cake,’ they argued. Much to their chagrin, M&S took the bins away. Did anyone think of the consequences? Perhaps not, but hey, it was fun while it lasted…

Sam Toolan group of rectangular shapes. the bin slammed open, leaving a But they said there was Ooh, said my friend. I smiled in low rumble in my chest. My loads of free food! And now There was a warm chill that the dark, happy to have the friend stepped back and I felt some tramp’s got there before night and a sense of bounciness. torch. my face grow cold. us! Rubbish! Her pink pashmina Like a mouthful of something Inching closer we could Pounding blood rose to waved in the wind. Oh well, I too hot and delicious when tears see the shapes were grey bins my throat. I stayed where I was. said. Come on. Let’s go to of laughter stream down your with black lids. I heard my Another cough and a slight Bimbi’s for some chips. face and over your runny nose. friend shudder slightly. I still rustle. I switched off the Wait, said my friend at don’t know if it was from I realised I was still torch. the door. excitement or fear. holding the torch and shone the **** Giggling, she ran back All the bins were lined light around the side of the bin. Asleep on a cold concrete ledge The following morning inside and reappeared with up in a row like cats and I Scattered pages of crumpled at nine-thirty on a Friday night. the loading bay doors open to another pashmina wrapped started to slide open the cold newspaper. Plastic sheets He was already lying down reveal a crumpled mound around her throat. I objected plastic lid of the first one. stacked up at the side of some again. As if I wasn’t the first. I huddled in one corner.A Don’t wear nice clothes, sort of loading area. A concrete decided to check the other bins. supermarket worker prods it, they’d said. I got blue ink all ledge. A pile of damp blankets. Sorry for waking you, I gently rousing Simon from his “No honestly, it’s over one of my favourite A slight movement said, as the familiar polite slumber. It’s time to move along jumpers. Oh no, don’t worry, it’s from the other side of the ledge. nothing me came back. Have a now Simon, he says softly. really easy.Just just to mark what’s past its sell- Something rising. A ball. Hair.A good night! Simon grunts a thank you matey reach in and take by date. No honestly, it’s really head. Yes, a head. The head of a and slowly the huddle rises and easy.Just reach in and take what man. “But they said twists into a man. what you want!” He seemed half awake. Simon stretches, Half past nine. Asleep. there was loads collects his raggy things and slightly to the sickly pink of the It was like meeting two of free food! ” hobbles off. He looks back stole.That might get us caught, new people. Him. Me. And then wearily at the blurred figure in you know. a new me. the blue uniform. The blue Subtle changes in her Hello, I said. What What’s going on? said figure gives a little wave and says face and a carefree hand now? You ok? Hello was my friend. We were under a cheerfully, we close at ten movement whisked my probably enough. streetlamp. I told her what the tonight mate. Come back then, I objection away like tea-leaves to Alright, the face man said. She didn’t believe me. reckon! the wind. I chuckled and grumbled. The man raised a Not my fault, I thought as I Fat chance, he thinks. returned her a face of hand. After a few moments I smiled. She was cross and she Better beds than that in affectionate scorn. moved the light away and the wanted to hurt someone.I Durham. Full of beans, we man lowered his hand. waited. danced over the bridge and up Um, we’re looking for the alleyway as the cheers and the food bin. Is this it? Now squawks of the partygoers that the light wasn’t in his eyes I withered to a booming silence could no longer see his face. and a mild smell of piss. Yeah, he said. Empty In the dark we stumbled now though. The sound of his up the mossy path. We could’ve voice made me want to sit down just gone round, said my friend. in the cold mud of a puddle.I Less fun, I said. I knew she was you want! had a look earlier, he said. enjoying it. We peered in together.I It took a long time for Lowering our voices, we could feel the heat from my what he said to make sense. I’d crept down the concrete steps, friend’s face on mine, hear her forgotten why I’d come here. peering about uselessly. breath tight and dry through her Why we’d come here. I thought It’s ok. Coast’s clear. balmy lips. of my friend and her small, I took out a silver torch, The lid was half way warm face. twisted the sleek end and traced open when we heard a sound Oh right, I said. Empty? the narrow beam of light to a like a cough. I froze, let go and Now I didn’t believe him. [email protected] MH:Spot the Difference Anton Lazarus brings you the MostlyHarmless take on the Iranian hostage ‘crisis’... See if you can spot the differences between Britain’s finest and America’s most wanted. Tehran Guantanamo

15 White People Almost 400 non-white people

Allowed to wear own clothes Own possessions destroyed and and given new smart suits and given new smart orange gifts on release. jumpsuit to wear 24/7.

Released after 13 days and Still held after more than 5 excused from trial in the years. No prospect of release. sovereign state's judicial system. Excluded from the state's judicial system.

Split into separate cells, Deprived of sleep, subjected to questioned and asked to sshhh. serious psychological torture, exposured to noise, light and heat for extended periods, Tehran physically beaten. Starved and denied use of a toilet, spat at. Holy book urinated on.

All confessed to acts they now Many still maintain innocence. deny. Those that have confessed under torture exposed to world as terrorists and placed into mock trials.

Media storm and national Little attention from media. US outcry at detention of Brits. methods supported by British World condemnation. UN coalition partners. statement.

Hero's welcome home. When British captives were released they were taken to Paddington Green Police Station and extensively questioned under the Terrorism Act. Then released without charge. Guantanamo WORK WITH MOSTLYHARMLESS

MostlyHarmless is a small Rosenthal, Rachel Rutty, cartooning or designing, independent publication that Seb de Lemos and Nick please email us at started this year. It is edited Hyde. Cartoons were drawn mostlyharmless06@gmail. by Magnus Taylor and by Clarice Holt and com Siddharth Khajuria with Hannah Yadi. If you have an idea Tom Walker covering their We are always looking for an article or are looking backs. Sub editors this out for enthusiastic new for suggestions, get in touch. edition were Nick Collins, talent to make MH funnier, We hope you’ve enjoyed Fancy adverstising here? Ben Grafton, Richard smarter and more varied. If MostlyHarmless over the Drop us an email... Hadden, Anton Lazarus, you want to get involved, be past year. Ian Chapman, Tom it with writing, editing, [email protected]