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THE HISTORIAN England 932 A.D. A Kingdom divided. To the West- the Anglo Saxons, to the East- the French. Above nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland. In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, and Essex and Kent - Plague. In Mercia and the two Anglias - Plague: with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour. Legend tells of an extraordinary leader, who arose from the chaos, to unite a troubled kingdom. This man was Arthur, King of the Britons! And King Arthur gathered more Knights together, bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table. The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere. The dashingly handsome Sir Galahad. The homicidally brave Sir Lancelot. Sir Robin, the Not-quite-so- brave-as-Sir- Lancelot, who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol and who personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. Together they formed a band whose deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries, The Knights of the Round Table!
KING ARTHUR Hail good sir. I am Arthur, King of the Britons, Lord and Ruler of all of England, and Scotland. And even tiny little bits of Gaul. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights to join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. (listens) ... He’s busy? Good Sir, we have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through … What? Well, no I don’t have an appointment….. No.. I can’t come back later...Will you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here? Look, I am your king and I order you…. Yes, King! No, nobody voted for me! This is how it happened: as I rode forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake! She wasn’t dead, she lives in the lake. She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water ... Her arm clad in the purest shimmering silk, holding aloft Excalibur, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your King. It's not just an ordinary sword.
FRENCH TAUNTER 'Allo! Who is it, what do you want? This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard, The French bastard. Oh, so you want him to help you find the holy grail? Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see? Oh, yes, it's very nice! No, you can not see it! Because I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king? I blow my nose at you, so called Arthur-king! I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed son of a window dresser! That’s right, I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time! [Blows a raspberry] Thppt!
SIR LANCELOT Oh fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot, I have come to take you away… [looks ups and see’s it isn’t a girl] Oh. I'm sorry. I got this note, but I hadn’t realized… I thought you were ... well you know. Terribly sorry ... [father enters] Oh, is this your father? Yes, terribly sorry about all the bloodshed out there, I thought your son was a lady. I mean it really wasn’t his fault. To be fair, this poor little chap is your son, sir, and all he ever wanted was a little love and affection. But did you ever give it to him? No, no ... [becoming emotional and angry] I'll wager you denied him. You try to kill him! And worse, far worse, you try to marry him off… to some girl, some FEMALE that he obviously has NO feelings for whatsoever. Have you no heart? Have you no human tenderness? Can't you see that all he's asking for is a little love and understanding? Is that too much to ask? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!
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THE ENCHANTER Ah! Greetings, King Arthur! Yes I know your name. I am an enchanter. There are some who call me.... [dramatic pause] …Tim! You seek the Holy Grail. Only the bravest will find it. Below me lies the Cave, wherein carved upon the very living rock, there be a clue which shall lead ye directly to your goal. But think well before you step into this cave, for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul, so cruel, no man yet has fought this evil beast and lived. Death awaits you all with nasty great big pointy teeth! [Demonstrates teeth.] Ah, there it is! Cringe you mortals at… No, no, not behind the rabbit. It IS the Rabbit! But this is no ordinary rabbit. This is the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. He won’t just nibble your bum! This rabbit's a killer! [Watches the bunny eat a knight.] Ha, ha! Not so brave now, are you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? That’ll show you!
SIR ROBIN Ah! I have heard of this Broadway, sire, and we don’t stand a chance. Why not? Because Broadway… is a very special place, filled with very special people. People who can sing, and dance, often at the same time. They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people who need people and who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in the world. I’m sorry, Sire, but we don’t have a chance. Let me put it another way: [spoken, in rhythm:] In any great adventure, if you don’t want to lose, Victory depends upon the people that you choose. So listen, Arthur darling, closely to this news: We won’t succeed on Broadway… if we don’t have any Jews! 3 | P a g e
#1 – ARTHUR AND DENNIS
ARTHUR Hold there, Old Woman!
DENNIS Man!
ARTHUR Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS I’m twenty-seven.
ARTHUR What?
DENNIS I’m not old!
ARTHUR Well, I can’t just call you “Man.”
DENNIS Well, you could say, “Dennis.”
ARTHUR Well I didn’t know you were called “Dennis.”
DENNIS Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR Look, I did say I was sorry about the “old woman” thing, but I am King of the Britons.
DENNIS Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR We all are. We are all Britons and I am your king.
DENNIS I didn’t know we had a king. We’re an autonomous collective. We take it in turns to act as sort of an executive officer for the week…
ARTHUR Yes. 4 | P a g e
DENNIS …but each decision of that officer has to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting…
ARTHUR Yes, I see.
DENNIS …by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs…
ARTHUR Be quiet!
DENNIS …but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more complicated…
ARTHUR Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! I am your king!
DENNIS Well, I didn’t vote for you.
ARTHUR You don’t vote for kings.
DENNIS Well how did you become king then?
ARTHUR Well, I’ll tell you. One day, as I was riding forth from Camelot, I saw a lady in the lake. She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water. Her arm clad in the purest shimmering silk, holding aloft Excalibur, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.
DENNIS Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you! Soggy old blondes with their backsides in ponds cannot replace the electorate!
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#2 – ARTHUR AND TAUNTER
TAUNTER Allo! Who is it?
ARTHUR It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
TAUNTER This is the castle of my master, Guy Lombard! The French bastard!
ARTHUR Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he may join us on our quest for the Holy Grail.
TAUNTER Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen. He’s already got one, you see?
ARTHUR What? Are you sure he’s got one.
TAUNTER Oh yes, it’s very nice! [To someone offstage:] Hey! I told him we already got one!
ARTHUR Well, can we come in and have a look?
TAUNTER Of course not! You are English bed-wetting types!
ARTHUR Well what are you then?
TAUNTER We are French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king? You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur- king, you and all your silly English Kniggets! I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wipers! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
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#3 – BOSS AND GUARD
BOSS Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn’t leave this room until I come and get him.
GUARD Right! Not… to leave the room… even if you come and get him.
BOSS No, no. Until I come and get him.
GUARD Until you come and get him, we’re not to enter the room.
BOSS No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn’t leave.
GUARD …and you’ll come get him.
BOSS That’s right.
GUARD We don’t need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
BOSS Leaving the room.
GUARD Leaving the room, yes.
BOSS Got it?
GUARD Can he leave the room with us?
BOSS No. It’s simple. Keep him here… and make sure…
GUARD Oh, yes! We’ll keep him in here, obviously. But. If he had to leave… and we were with him….
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No, just keep him in here.
GUARD Until you… or anyone else…
BOSS No. Not anyone else, just me.
GUARD Just you.
BOSS Get back.
GUARD Got it. We’ll remain here until you get back.
BOSS And make sure he doesn’t leave.
GUARD What?
BOSS Make sure he doesn’t leave.
GUARD The Prince?
BOSS Yes. Is that clear?
GUARD Oh yes. That’s quite clear. No problems.
[BOSS turns and starts to leave, and GUARD follows right behind him/her.]
BOSS Where are you going?
GUARD We’re coming with you!