There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
By
David Carswell
©2019
The play is set at a Speed Awareness Course that the participants have chosen to attend as an alternative to points on their driving license . A basic office / meeting room set is all that’s required. The SOLO spots can be done where each of the characters sit in the room. There is a separate playing area at the front of the stage for the step outs.
It is the INSTRUCTOR’s first day which leads to some nerves. AGNES arrives and helps ease the INSTRUCTOR’s tension. RICHARD’s arrogance antagonises the INSTRUCTOR and causes difficulties as the play progresses, but with AGNES’ help RICHARD is eventually put in his place. EVAN and TIFFANY both add to the comedy value of the play.
CAST List
INSTRUCTOR – Any age or sex.
RICHARD – 40s or 50s. Arrogant. Narcissist. Sociopath.
TIFFANY – Gallus. Not backward at coming forward. She has more front than Blackpool, but underneath it all she has a vulnerable side.
AGNES – 50s to 60s. Loveable. Butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. Or would it?
EVAN – Scheme lad. Not the brightest. White van man, which was his dream. Nice guy.
Page 1
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
Intro Curtain Music Suggestion – Madness – I’ve Been Driving In My Car
A basic “meeting room” type environment. Tables & chairs are laid out with pens and notepads. There is a table with tea & coffee. A flip chart stands in the corner. The INSTRUCTOR paces nervously, lining up the pens and notepads. The INSTRUCTOR sits, then stands, then sits then stands, checking their watch. INSTRUCTOR starts to write on the flip chart. AGNES enters.
AGNES – Hello. Is this the Speed Awareness Course?
INSTRUCTOR – (Turns to see her) (Nervous) Yes, come in, come in. You’re the first to arrive. Help yourself to tea or coffee while we wait on the others.
AGNES – Thanks. I do love a nice cup of tea. Coffee not so much. Does funny things to me… (Notices INSTRUCTOR is nervous) Are you ok? You look a wee bit…
INSTRUCTOR – It’s my first day on the job, so I’m a wee bit nervous.
AGNES – (Genuinely nice) Och you’ll be fine! Everybody has to start somewhere. I’m really looking forward to it.
INSTRUCTOR – (Relaxes a bit) Thanks.
EVAN enters.
EVAN – Is this the…
INSTRUCTOR – Speed Awareness Course? Yes. Come on in. Grab a seat. Help yourself to tea and coffee.
EVAN – Thanks. (Starts to pour coffee)
We hear RICHARD’S first line from off-stage. He’s on the phone. INSTRUCTOR, EVAN and AGNES all react. He enters still on the phone.
RICHARD – So I just said to him, I don’t care what time it is in Hong Kong, you either get that sorted in the next hour or the deal’s off!
RICHARD takes the coffee from EVAN and puts sugar in it. AGNES nods to RICHARD as if to say hello. He looks her up and down and gives her a look of disgust.
EVAN – (Aside, annoyed) Sake man. (Pours himself another coffee and sits down)
Page 2
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
RICHARD – I need to go. I’m on one of those speed awareness courses. (Slight pause, looks around, drinks coffee.) Yeah, a total shithole. Although coming here gave me chance to see what the new Jag could do on the motorway. Managed 110 before some twat in a van got in my way. It had one of those stickers on the back door that said “Tools are not kept in this van overnight.” Yeah, but I reckon there’s one in the driver’s seat most days… (laughs at own joke).
INSTRUCTOR raises eyebrows looking at RICHARD. RICHARD notices this.
RICHARD – Look, I better go. I’ll speak to you later.
RICHARD ends call.
RICHARD – I’m here for the Speed Awareness Course.
INSTRUCTOR goes to speak, but RICHARD interrupts.
RICHARD – Although I really shouldn’t be here. I’m an excellent driver. (Smug) I drive a jag.
INSTRUCTOR – (Irked) Welcome to the course. (Sarcastic) Help yourself to tea and coffee.
RICHARD looks at the cup he’s holding, then back at INSTRUCTOR.
RICHARD – How long is this going to last? I’ve got places to be.
INSTRUCTOR – You’ll be done by lunchtime.
RICHARD – Lunchtime!? Oh for fu…
INSTRUCTOR – (Interrupting) We’ll get started soon. We’re just waiting on the last one. In the meantime can you all write your names on the badges that have been left out for you? Then put them on so everyone can see. Thanks.
RICHARD – (Mexican accent) Badges? Badges? We don’t need no stinking ba…
INSTRUCTOR gives RICHARD a look.
RICHARD – (Sits) OK, OK. Name badge going on…
They all start to write their names and stick them on to their tops. TIFFANY enters. She is flustered.
TIFFANY – Is this the Speed Awareness Course? Sorry I’m late. The traffic was brutal this morning.
AGNES – Could you not have used public transport? I got the train.
Page 3
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
TIFFANY – My wee town doesn’t have a train station.
INSTRUCTOR – Have you ever tried Park & Ride?
TIFFANY stops and thinks.
TIFFANY – (Thinks) Park and ride? No. But I once let my boyfriend feel my tits in a traffic jam. (Laughs) (She notices the name badges on the others) Oh, name badges. That’s nice.
INTRUCTOR – Take a seat and we’ll get started. There’s tea and coffee available if you want to help yourself. And if you could do a name badge like the others that would be great.
TIFFANY – No bother. (Notices EVAN) Oh, hello. Is this, eh, seat taken?
EVAN – No. Crack on.
TIFFANY sits and starts to write her name badge.
INSTRUCTOR – If you can all have your passport or driving license ready to confirm your ID, that will let me sign you off as attending and we can get going.
They all take out their ID and the INSTRUCTOR goes round them one by one ticking them off on a sheet she’s holding. She gets to RICHARD last who is scrolling through emails on his phone.
INSTRUCTOR – I’m going to have to ask you to switch your phone off. That goes for all of you actually. We can’t have any devices that could be used to record the course. You all have the right to privacy.
RICHARD – But I need my phone. And I don’t mean that the way that most people say it. I actually need my phone.
INSTRUCTOR – (INSTRUCTOR and AGNES share a look) I actually don’t care. It’s mandatory. Anybody found to have their phones on during the course will be asked to leave and be classed as a non-completion. The points you avoid by being here will be applied to your license and you’ll need to pay the fine. (AGNES gives INSTRUCTOR an approving smile and slight nod of the head)
RICHARD gives out a huffy sigh. The rest comply without any issue.
INSTRUCTOR – Welcome to your speed awareness course. You’re all here because you have been caught speeding, but the speed was within certain parameters which make you eligible for this course as an alternative to points on your license. Why don’t we start by going round the room and introducing yourselves to each other? (Looks at TIFFANY’s name badge and points to her) Tiffany. Why don’t we start with you? Page 4
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
TIFFANY – Eh, OK. (Stands) My name’s Tiffany, (nervous pause, then jokingly like it’s a punchline) and I’m an alcoholic… Och sorry, wrong meeting! (She starts to laugh but it fades quickly as she looks around awkwardly)(She sits back down again awkwardly) Wow, tough crowd… I tend to make jokes when I’m nervous and…
RICHARD – (Impatiently interrupting, stands) Yes, yes. I’m Richard. I’m an executive and I am an outstanding driver. Am I little too heavy with the right foot occasionally? Yes I am. But I’ve earned that right. I shouldn’t have to drive at the same speed as the rest of the plebs on the road. I drive a Jag for goodness sake! Vastly superior braking and road handling. The incident that led me to being here was just, bad luck. I lost control of the car one time and got done by a uniformed officer in flagrante.
EVAN – You got done for speeding in Spain?
AGNES – In flagrante means caught in the act.
EVAN pulls a disgusted face.
EVAN – Caught in the act!? Ya dirty bastard! No wonder you lost control of the motor.
INSTRUCTOR – Moving on… Evan?
EVAN – Eh, aye. Am Evan. I drive a white van. Us white van men get a hard time, but I honestly try and be a courteous driver. Not like some folk though. (Looks at RICHARD) On the way here there was some tube in a Jag right up my trumpet on the motorway. Must have been doing over a hundred.
RICHARD – (Whispers) 110 actually.
INSTRUCTOR – And last, but definitely not least… Agnes?
AGNES – Hello everyone. I’m Agnes. I’m really looking forward to learning with you all today.
INSTRUCTOR, EVAN and TIFFANY all smile at the nice thought. RICHARD sighs and shakes his head.
TIFFANY – Awww, that’s a lovely thing to say Agnes.
INSTRUCTOR – Right, let’s get started. If you open your notebooks you’ll see the first section on speed limits…
Page 5
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
SOLO SPOT
TIFFANY – I’m not sure what I was expecting today, but it’s actually been OK so far. Instructor seems nice. Richard’s a bit of a… dick. That Evan is quite cute. Wouldn’t mind a shot on that. The course isn’t too bad either. Thought it might have been a bit of a lecture, getting at us for being bad, but it’s been OK. The section on speeds was a bit of an eye opener. If I’m doing thirty miles an hour then I’ll stop in (looks at notes) 23m, but if I’m doing forty it’ll be it’ll be 36m. To be honest, I don’t really know what a metre is, but the instructor says it’s about an extra three car lengths. Although I’m not sure what kind of car. Could be one of those wee cars, or a big people carrier. (Pause) People carrier. That’s a strange description. Surely all cars are people carriers?
FULL LIGHT
RICHARD – (As if responding to a question) Red, Red & Amber, Green.
INSTRUCTOR – Correct.
EVAN – Here, who’s this Amber?
RICHARD – Amber isn’t a who. It’s amber, the colour.
EVAN pulls a face as if he thinks they’re taking the mickey.
EVAN – Away ye go!
RICHARD – It’s the colour of the traffic lights. Red, Amber and Green.
EVAN – Amber’s naw a colour. It’s a lassies name.
RICHARD – It is a colour.
EVAN – Awright then. If it really is a colour, then tell me something else that’s amber. Something that folk use every day.
RICHARD goes to speak, then stops as he can’t think of anything to say.
EVAN – (Moves head left to right as if in conversation with himself) Here Ev, where you off to? Just nipping doon the shops to pick masel up a new t-shirt mate? Aye? What colour you getting? Gonnae get masel one of they amber coloured t-shirts… Said no one ever! (Laughs) Youse must think am a dafty.
Page 6
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
TIFFANY – What colour would you say traffic lights are Evan?
EVAN – Red, Ginger and Green.
RICHARD – Ginger!?
EVAN – Aye.
RICHARD – What about the phrase Amber Gambler? You must have heard that before?
EVAN – I thought that was the term for a lassie that’s never out the bookies.
TIFFANY – Och, bless. Just as well you’re good looking Evan. No pal, amber gambler is when somebody drives through the lights when they’re at amber.
EVAN – Naw! Folk that drive through Ginger lights are Ginger Ninjas! Driving through like they canny be seen. (Does ninja mask sign) Ginger Ninjas!
TIFFANY (Turns to rest of class) – Is it just me, or does that actually make total sense?
SOLO SPOT
RICHARD – Lunchtime!? Stuck here till bloody lunchtime? That’s OK for these folk. They’ve got nothing better to do than be here. So they miss an episode of Jeremy Kyle. No big deal. I’ve got deals to get done. Not that folk like this would understand. I thought we’d be in, watch some shitty safety video, and be off again. Like when they do the safety demonstrations on planes. (Sordid) I do enjoy a good safety demonstration. While they’re pointing out the nearest exits in the event of an emergency, I can get a few minutes of uninterrupted, quality, eye candy time. You’ve got to love those trolley dolleys. One of the few remaining times you can stare at a woman without risk of rebuke from some feminazi. Of course, nowadays you run the risk of getting a bloke working as cabin crew. Blokes, as trolley dolleys!? (Shakes head) I would actually pay extra to get a tidy bird instead of some bloke. Surprised Ryanair haven’t thought of that already. Might drop them an email with the suggestion. (Pause) Think I’ll get an Indian for lunch. A wee reward for sitting through this bollocks. Yeah, Indian is a good shout. A madras or a vindaloo. (Looks about) This lot probably eat kormas! (Shakes head in disgust) That’s not a real lndian. I love Indian food. I’ve finished off more naans than Harold Shipman. I miss the days when you could get a couple of pints with lunch. But the drink drive limits are so low nowadays, which is total bollocks. Driving is a bit like playing pool. It’s easier once you’ve had a couple of drinks. What I don’t understand is why folk go to restaurants and think that homemade cooking
Page 7
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident is a good thing. If I wanted homemade food I’d stay at home. Just about everything that gets made at home ends up being disappointing. Flat pack furniture… Children…
FULL LIGHT
INSTRUCTOR – Who can tell me what the two second rule is?
RICHARD – I know this.
INSTRUCTOR – Really? You know what the two second rule is?
RICHARD – Yeah, it’s the time between a man giving a female colleague an innocent compliment, and her knocking on HR’s door to make a complaint. Political correctness gone mad. I mean, it’s not as if I said she had horrible tits. Quite the opposite!
INSTRUCTOR shakes head. Rest of cast share a look of shock.
RICHARD – Must have been her time of the month or something. They’re strange creatures at the best of times, but at that time of the month they go proper mental. I think that’s where the idea for werewolves came from. So anyway, after the complaint I had to go on one of those awareness courses. Acceptable behavior in the workplace, or something. (To EVAN) Do you know what LGBTQI is?
EVAN – Sounds like the wifi password at home.
RICHARD – LGBTQI stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer and Intersex. I’m not quite sure why they need Lesbian and Gay. That’s the lesbians for you though. And I always thought Queer was seen as derogatory, but now it’s not. It’s all very confusing. When I was on that course they asked me how I viewed lesbian relationships? I said “usually on the internet, I haven’t bought a magazine in years.”
TIFFANY – Here, what was that last one?
RICHARD – I for intersex.
TIFFANY – That’s me.
RICHARD – You’re intersex?
TIFFANY – Oh aye! Right intae sex! Canny get enough of it! (They all start to laugh)
AGNES gives a small cough which is to encourage INSTRUCTOR to regain control of the room.
Page 8
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
INSTRUCTOR – (Determined and frustrated) The two second rule, is that if you’re following a car in front of you, there should always be a two second gap. If the car in front passes a lamppost, then there should be at least two seconds before you pass the lamppost.
TIFFANY, RICHARD & EVAN move to the front of the stage. TIFFANY stage left, RICHARD centre & EVAN stage right. When they speak they are lit up by Red, Amber and Green lights in the same sequence as traffic lights. If possible, rostra should be used to make Red the highest, Amber a bit lower, and Green the lowest.
TIFFANY – Another red light!? Every bloody set of lights has been red! There’s not even any traffic coming out of the junction! There should be sensors or something. Come on! Chaaaaange!
RICHARD – Get a move on! The speed limit’s 30. You’re only doing (looks at dash) 29 and a half!
EVAN – Road works. More road works! Only, there never seems to be any bloody work getting done!
RICHARD – Pot holes! How hard can it be to fix a few holes in the road?
EVAN – Fucking pot holes! They just repaired that one last week, and now it’s back again!
TIFFANY – Mother fucking pot holes! That’s not a pot hole. That’s a crater!
They return to their seats.
FULL LIGHT
They all sit round the table. RICHARD is in mid-rant.
RICHARD – And I’ll tell you something else for nothing…
TIFFANY – (Aside) Awferfu…
RICHARD – Speed cameras, are dangerous.
EVAN – How can you say that?
RICHARD – You’re driving along a motorway and see a speed camera. What’s the first thing you do? (Pause) Slam on the brakes! How can that be safe?
Page 9
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
TIFFANY – If you weren’t speeding in the first place then you wouldn’t need to slam on the brakes.
RICHARD – I hit the brakes even if I’m below the speed limit though. It’s human nature. They don’t even save lifes. They’re only there to make money for the government. Yet another tax on the driver. It’s all political.
EVAN – I was out on a date recently with a lassie that was right in to politics. She was talking about the Iron Lady. I asked her if that was Iron Man’s maw. (Pause) She stopped answering my calls after that night…
RICHARD looks at EVAN and shakes head.
SOLO SPOT
EVAN – (Singing) Thhhhe Siiiimmmmpppssooooonnnns. (Then does the Doo Doo do Doo do etc). How good are cartoons!? (Pause) You know what’s weird? When I was a wee guy Bugs Bunny looked like a proper adult bunny. Like a man, but a bunny man. But now that I’m naw a wee guy anymore, he looks young. I mean, it’s naw like it’s a different cartoon. It’s the same cartoons as I watched as a wean, but now he looks young. And you’ve got that Elmer Fudd character chasing him about with a shotgun. The wee guy’s blind as a bat, and they gave him a shotgun! Shouldnae be allowed man. He’s got cracking patter though. (Elmer Fudd impersonation) Cwaaazy wabbit! (Laughs)
FULL LIGHT
INSTRUCTOR – OK, so why don’t we take a ten minute comfort break?
TIFFANY – (To EVAN, quietly) What’s a comfort break?
EVAN – (To TIFFANY, quietly) You can go for a pish.
TIFFANY – (To EVAN, quietly, nodding) Sorted! Cheers.
EVAN – (To TIFFANY, quietly) I don’t know why they can’t just call it what it is. A bog break.
INSTRUCTOR, RICHARD & AGNES are now all looking at TIFFANY and EVAN, but they are oblivious.
TIFFANY – (To EVAN, quietly) I know! What’s that all about? Posh folk are pure weird, int they? Page 10
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
EVAN – (To TIFFANY, quietly) Aye man. How can they naw just call stuff what it actually is.
TIFFANY – (To EVAN, not quietly) I don’t even need a pish.
TIFFANY realizes she has said this a bit loudly and turns to see the rest looking at her.
EVAN – Eh, sorry miss.
INSTRUCTOR – (Smiling) It’s ok Evan. You’re not in school. You’re allowed to talk.
RICHARD – Are you going to pass her a note asking for a snog behind the bike sheds later?
TIFFANY – A snog? Bike sheds!? Did you go to school in the 60s?
RICHARD is annoyed at this.
INSTRUCTOR – As I was saying, let’s take a… a break.
TIFFANY nods.
RICHARD exits to use his phone. INSTRUCTOR goes on laptop. AGNES gets her knitting out.
TIFFANY – (Nerves) Where you from Ev? Do you mind if I call you Ev? Or do you prefer Evan? Some people prefer being called by their Sunday name. (Thinks) Sunday name. That’s a weird phrase, int’ it? Why would you have a name just for Sundays? Probably something to do with church. Do you have a nickname that I could call you? My nickname in school was chips, ‘cos they said I would go with anything. It wasn’t true though. What do your pals call you? Not that I’m one of your pals. (Nervous laugh) Well not yet anyway. Who knows after today though, eh? My pals call me Tiff, which is short for Tiffany.
EVAN – (Pause) (Looks confused) What was the question again?
TIFFANY – Eh, where are you from?
EVAN – Paisley.
TIFFANY – Paisley? Jeezo. I once put Paisley into my satnav, and it said FUCK OFF! AM NAW GOIN THERE!
EVAN chuckles. TIFFANY laughs and while laughing playfully pats EVAN’s arm, which almost turns in to a stroke. He looks at her as if to say, what are you doing? She pulls her arm away and nervously scratches the back of her neck.
EVAN – Where you from?
Page 11
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
TIFFANY – Dunoon.
EVAN – Dunoon!? (Joking) You’ve got a cheek to slag Paisley. Did you get caught driving your tractor too fast?
TIFFANY – (Chuckling) Good one.
Slightly awkward pause.
EVAN – This course has been awright, eh?
TIFFANY – Well it was going OK till I said pish louder than I meant to.
EVAN – It’s usually me that does daft stuff like that. When I was leaving school the headmaster gave me some advice. He said that I should dress for the job I want, not the job I have. I showed up the next day at the job centre dressed as a cowboy.
TIFFANY – (Laughs) No way!
EVAN – Aye way!
TIFFANY – I heard you saying earlier that you were out on a date recently. So are you, eh, single?
EVAN – Aye.
TIFFANY – (Nerves) Do you fancy getting a coffee?
EVAN – There’s some over there. You want me to get you some? (He starts to rise)
TIFFANY – No. I meant, like after this course. Just the two of us?
EVAN – (Sits) Oh I see. Aye, that would be, nice!
They smile at each other.
Page 12
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
EVAN, TIFFANY & RICHARD step to the front of the stage. Lit in RED, AMBER & GREEN in order.
RICHARD – (Putting on make up in the mirror while driving) (He hums / sings).
EVAN – (Driving) (Text message beep) Oh, a text message! (Picks it up and starts to read it).
TIFFANY – (Driving) (Leering out of window) (Male cockney accent) ALLRIGHT DARLIN’! Give us a smile!
All three look up and hit the brakes.
BLACKOUT with car crash sound effect.
SOLO SPOT
AGNES – This is a great wee day out, so it is. A nice wee change. They do say that a change is as good as a holiday. But let’s be honest, that’s not really true is it? I mean, I would much rather be sunning myself in the Caribbean right now, but hey ho. It’s nice to meet new people. You don’t get to do that very often at my age. My weekly trip to the bingo is OK, but it’s the same old faces you see. And when I say old faces, I mean it literally. (Pause) Maybe I’ll have a wee cup of coffee… No Agnes, remember what the doctor said. And that policeman after the incident. You were barred for a month from the bingo after that. Best to avoid the coffee, you know what it does to you… (Mischievous) Och to hell with it… I’m having a coffee!
FULL LIGHT
AGNES gets up and pours herself a cup of coffee.
INSTRUCTOR – That concludes the section on speeds. Now we’ll move on to…
RICHARD – (Interrupting) Who decides the speed limits?
EVAN – Some government dudes surely?
AGNES has started drinking the coffee.
RICHARD – The speed limits have been the same since as far back as I can remember, but cars have gotten better, so why haven’t they changed the speed limits? Like in Germany. You can do any speed you want on the Autobahns.
TIFFANY – Total bams? I’ve went out with a few of them in my time. Page 13
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
RICHARD – Auto bahns. It’s German for motorway.
EVAN – No speed limit at all? That’s mental.
AGNES is now visibly shuddering.
INSTRUCTOR – Richard, we’ve just covered stopping distances at different speeds. If you hit someone at twenty miles an hour they have ten percent chance of being killed. At thirty it’s fifty percent. At forty it’s ninety percent. Ninety percent chance you’ll kill someone Richard. You’re a business man. Good with numbers? What do you think happens when you increase the speed to more than seventy?
AGNES – (Wide eyed feeling the effects of the coffee) What would you do with the time anyway?
They are all surprised to hear AGNES speak. They all turn to look towards her.
RICHARD – (Slightly taken aback) What was that Agnes?
AGNES – Well if you drive at ninety miles an hour instead of seventy miles an hour, and as result you get to where you’re going fifteen minutes quicker, what are you going to do with that time? Risk versus reward. You’re risking your own life, and more importantly, other people’s life’s, and for what? Arriving fifteen minutes early? Now if you’re going to invent a cure for cancer in those fifteen minutes, fair enough. But I’m guessing you’ll use the time to tell somebody how great you are. Or about how good your car is, which we all know is a substitute for having a tiny tadger. (Pause) I’ve listened to you go on and on since you came in here. I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but you talk some amount of pish. As my old granny used to say, the only thing worse than a know it all, is a know it all who knows fuck all. And you most definitely fall into that category. (Pause) (EVAN and TIFFANY are stifling laughter) This is the instructors first day on the job, and you’ve been nothing but a pain in the arse since you arrived. So why don’t you do us all a favour and just shut the fuck up? (Condescending) There’s a good boy… (To INSTRUCTOR) (Shudders) That’s really great coffee by the way!
RICHARD – (Shocked) Are you, going to let her speak to me like that…!?
INSTRUCTOR – (Knowing smile to AGNES) Now Agnes, I would ask that we treat everyone here with courtesy and respect.
RICHARD nods.
INSTRUCTOR – Even if one of them is acting like a pathetic man child.
RICHARD makes out as if to complain, but INSTRUCTOR carries on over the top of him. Page 14
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
INSTRUCTOR - Now let’s move on.
AGNES – Yeah, I think that would be for the best.
INSTRUCTOR – How many deaths do you think there were last year on the roads of Britain?
TIFFANY – Oh, quite a lot. Two hundred?
INSTRUCTOR – Two hundred? (Looks toward EVAN) Evan?
EVAN – More than that. I’d say, a thousand.
INSTRUCTOR – A thousand? Interesting. (Looks toward RICHARD) Richard?
RICHARD goes to speak.
AGNES – (Interrupting) (Stands up) A HUNDRED THOUSAND!
They all look at AGNES.
AGNES – Sorry. (Sits down) It’s the coffee speaking…
RICHARD – I would guess at about five thousand.
INSTRUCTOR – The number has dropped regularly over the last twenty years, but has plateaued at about one thousand seven hundred a year. Why do you think that is?
RICHARD – Technology?
INSTRUCTOR – Correct. Improvements in car safety technology have gotten the number down to seventeen hundred. Everything from seatbelts to antilock braking systems. Why do you think we can’t get the number down any further?
EVAN – Arsehole drivers?
(They all take a sly look at RICHARD, he shrugs)
INSTRUCTOR – That’s one way of putting it I suppose. The human error factor. Remember, there is no such thing as an accident. If everybody did everything they were supposed to when driving, there would be no incidents. (Turns to board /flipchart) Now we just need to…
RICHARD – (Interrupting) Seventeen hundred isn’t that bad.
INSTRUCTOR – (Stops cleaning board. Turns slowly) Did you just say that seventeen hundred deaths isn’t that bad?
Page 15
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
RICHARD – Statistically speaking. There’s seventy odd million people in the United Kingdom. Seventeen hundred is a miniscule percentage. It’s a trade off. We get the benefits of driving, but there’s a price to be paid for that. The pros outweigh the cons.
INSTRUCTOR – (Lowers head) That’s one thousand, seven hundred people who… Who have family… Friends… that will get a call telling them someone they love isn’t coming home. They’ll never see them again… I’ve just told you that there is no such thing as an accident. Almost all of those deaths are avoidable. And you still think that way? You really are a cun…
TIFFANY – (Interrupting) It’s like they say. It’s something that always happens to other people. Isn’t it.
INSTRUCTOR – Well it doesn’t always happen to other people…
EVAN and TIFFANY step to the front of the stage. Blue flashing light. EVAN wears a police hat, TIFFANY has a headset. EVAN talks in to his radio. During this section EVAN and TIFFANY should have different voices to the rest of the play.
EVAN – Control…
TIFFANY – Control receiving…
EVAN – Please show as attending a road traffic incident. Head on collision on the southbound carriageway. Ambulance crew are in attendance, and have confirmed that the driver in the southbound vehicle is a fatality. The driver of the northbound vehicle is currently being breathalised. I have taken a statement from the driver in which he states “I only took my eye off the road for a second or two. I looked up and I was on the wrong side of the road. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Identification of the deceased cannot yet be determined. Registration of the deceased’s vehicle is Golf India Papa One Nine Six Seven.
TIFFANY – Acknowledged. Registration Golf India Papa One Nine Six Seven, the PNC shows registered owner as a Charlie Smith. Contact details being sent to your mobile now.
EVAN – Roger control. Will make the call. (He lets out a long sigh and then makes a call on his mobile)
EVAN – Hello, this is PC Smith from Police Scotland. Can I speak to Charlie Smith?
LIGHT UP on instructor.
INSTRUCTOR – (On phone) That’s me.
EVAN – You’re the registered owner of vehicle registration Golf India Papa One Nine Six Seven?
Page 16
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
INSTRUCTOR – Yes. What’s happened?
EVAN – Is there somebody there with you?
INSTRUCTOR – No! Just tell me what’s happened!
EVAN – It might be better if you sat…
INSTRCUTOR – JUST TELL ME WHAT’S HAPPENED!
EVAN – I’m sorry to say your car has been involved in an accident. Who was…
INSTRUCTOR – (Interrupting) An accident!? My son has the car tonight. Is he OK!?
EVAN – I’m sorry to say…
INSTRUCTOR – (Interrupting) No no no no! Don’t say it! DON’T SAY IT!
EVAN - … that the driver of the vehicle has died at the scene. We will need to make a formal ID.
LIGHTS OUT ON EVAN and TIFFANY.
INSTRUCTOR – Oh… God… NO! There must be some mistake… You’re wrong… There must have been a mistake…
She drops to her knees and the phone slips from her hand. Fade solo.
FULL LIGHT
INSTRUCTOR – It had been a normal day up till then. (Pause) Normal? What even is normal? Whatever normal was certainly ended for me that day. We had run out of something or other, I can’t even remember what, so my son had offered to go the shops. He was always so helpful. Putting others before himself. I loved that about him. He always made me so proud. On his way out the door he said, I’ll only be five minutes. (Extended pause) It’s the suddenness of it. I hear about people who get told they have months left to live, and I’m ashamed to say, my first feeling is jealousy. I know how wrong that sounds, I really do. But they got time to say goodbye that I never got. We never got. I wonder what he felt in the last seconds of his life. Was he scared? (Pause) I hope he wasn’t scared. (Pause) When the police told us that the driver of the other car had been distracted… I bet every one of you have been distracted in here today. Not paying attention. Thinking totally random thoughts. I’ll never see him again, because somebody got distracted!? They say time’s a healer. That’s partially true. The pain dulls, but the numbness only increases. I didn’t know what to do with myself after that day. A couple of months after the funeral it was suggested that I go back to work. And I did. For a day. I was sitting at my desk taking calls from people who were getting stressed over reports not being in on time. Fucking Page 17
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident reports!? That’s when I decided. I needed to do… something to stop lives being destroyed for no good reason other than somebody being fucking distracted! There are so many ways to lose focus when driving. Phones. Anger. Daydreaming. People need reminding all the time! And now I’m here. Standing in front of you lot. And you tell me it’s a… what did you call it Richard? A fair trade off wasn’t it?
RICHARD – Look, I’m really sorry. I didn’t know about…
INSTRUCTOR – Sorry? You’re sorry!? (Slowly) You don’t know the fucking meaning of the word.
Extended pause. RICHARD lowers his head in shame and looks at the ground.
INSTRUCTOR – You know what? That’s us done.
They all look at each other.
RICHARD – When you say done… Have we passed the course?
INSTRUCTOR – Yes Richard. You don’t have to worry about the points appearing on your license.
RICHARD gets up and walks towards the door. He turns.
RICHARD – (Genuine) I really am sorry…
INSTRUCTOR nods. RICHARD exits.
EVAN – (Motions to exit) Can we…?
INSTRUCTOR – Yes Evan. You can all go. I’ll complete the paperwork showing that you attended.
EVAN and TIFFANY get up and go to leave.
EVAN – (To TIFFANY) Will we go and get that coffee?
TIFFANY – (To EVAN) Yeah.
They go to leave. TIFFANY turns.
TIFFANY – (Walks to INSTRUCTOR) (Kindness and sincerity) (Possible hug) I really enjoyed the course. I learned loads. You did a great job.
INSTRUCTOR – Thanks.
TIFFANY walks back to EVAN and they start to leave.
Page 18
There Is No Such Thing As An Accident
TIFFANY – Here Evan, if you play your cards right, you could be having breakfast at Tiffany’s…
TIFFANY and EVAN chuckle as they leave. INSTRUCTOR starts to pick up the pads and pens.
INSTRUCTOR – What about you Agnes? Are you not heading off?
AGNES – Me? Oh no. My bus isn’t for ages.
INSTRUCTOR – Your bus? Did you not bring your car?
AGNES – I don’t drive. I don’t have a license.
INSTRUCTOR – (Taken back) You don’t drive? Is that why you showed me your passport earlier as ID?
AGNES – (Nodding) Yeah.
INSTRUCTOR – (Intrigued) Why are you here then?
AGNES – I just fancied doing something different. Thought it would be quite interesting. And it was. I always thought about learning to drive, but my Archie, God rest his soul, he drove us everywhere and lessons were so expensive.
INSTRUCTOR – Could Archie not have taught you?
AGNES – My Archie was a wonderful man, he really was. But he had no patience and could be a real moody bugger. Driving lessons from Archie? I’d rather have swimming lessons from Michael Barrymore!
INSTRUCTOR chuckles.
AGNES – Och no. I’ll stick to the bus.
INSTRUCTOR – I tell you what. Why don’t I give you a lift home?
AGNES – That would be lovely. Can we stop on the way there though? I need to pick up some coffee…
INSTRUCTOR laughs. Looks about.
INSTRUCTOR – Sod this. Let’s get out of here.
They exit.
THE END
Page 19