The Phallic Drama
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Roger Williams University Saturday, April 2, 2005 Vol. IS, Issue 17 The Phallic Drama "Freak" Author on Campus pugel SPORTS PhotOli by MicMlJe DorIlIbed Meet Testaclese... In an effort to promote the "Penis Monologues," The College Republicans kicked offspring with Testaclese, who encouraged students to attend the April Slecture..Above left, ProIJOSl Edward Kavanagh exchanges words with the appendage; above n'ght, students become acquainted with the human penis. Dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge! Ashley Erling the obscure span has Contributing Writer become popular not only . !t's Wednesday evening on campus, but nation and "crunch time" on wide. campus. While most stu Dodgeball came to dents are writing papers RWU tbis year by stu and studying for finals, dent suggestion. Over Jim Schnare, senior. has the summer, Mike something very different Gallagher, intramural on his mind: dodgeball. adviser, was talking to Schnare and seven of some ofthe school's ori· his friends have a dodge entation advisors (OAs) ball playoff game this when Chris Poles, sen particular night, and ior, said that dodgeball while they could be writ should be an intramural ing papers, they are too sport. Gallagher thought excited about their game about it and decided it to focus on schoolwork. sounded like a good "When we're not play idea. Gallagher looked ing dodgeball we're to the National thinking about ii, and Intramural Recreational some of us have had Sports Association dreams about it," said (NIRSA) (0 research the Sehnare. subject further. He found This is not your typi that "several schools" cal sports enthusiasm, either already had and the excitement is not dodgebaU as an intramu exClusive to Schnare's ral spon. or were about unbeaten "G FY" learn. to introduce it. The list Sinee the addition of includes Providence dodgeball as an intramu· College. Colorado ral sport at RWU this College. Ohio State semester. more than 30 University, UCLA and teams have joined in the Keene Sate College. It fun. What might be even more surprising is that SEE DODGBBALL, PACE!. 3 ... __ too ------- • - the Hawk's Herald From Providence, with love "Subtleties ofLife 2: "Master Shake" looking handshake with Here's a breakdown of think of a quick and them? Despite that factlhe what I've had to deal with funny explanation for the Chris ViI/ano two are obviously from since I came to college: screw up. Contributing Writer different sides ofthe track, The Dead Fish: Quite Typical Supplier: The it is no accident they can possibly the most dreaded fault should be placed ·Dedicaled 10 the entire WcstsKle seamlessly connect (liter. ofall shakes. squarely on lhe shoulders Crew and CboIlI Hwsc* ally and figuratively) on Characteristics: This of the person who "Realfriends hug. " an introductory level. clammy, lifeless slab of attempted the regular Steve King Everywhere else in this tuna destroys first impres shake-never regular "New England the country there's a common sions like the A-bomb. shake your peers. This desrroyer"-that's what handshake or a "Master The receiver has to do all person clearly has no idea I'm going to sIan calling Shake," if you will. the up & down work, what's up. this place now. Let me break it down wh..ile doing IUs best not 10 The Rock, Paper, On one hand, this foul for you. II's a slap, grip quickly withdraw his Scissors: A variation of weathered region can be and a slide. Not that com· hand in disgust to wipe "the Mistaken Identity," proud of its destruction. plic:l.Ied bro. away the sweat and scales this shake can't even be Congrats, you now hold This meeting of the of his aquatic acquain considered a shake. If it the longest NFL single extremities is done to tance. were a professional boxer season winning streak and imply that, 1) you're Typical supplier: You it would be called the in the same year managed under the age of 30, 2) nonnally find this nauti~ "aberration of introduc· to break "the curse of the that you do not hold a full cal nuisance attacbed 10 tions.'· Bambino." (Both ofwhich time job in "the real someone who has given Characteristics: Oh have done wonders for world," 3) you're in louch up all hope offiguring out man, this is the worst. New England pride.) with the youth culture of how to shake hands in One guy goes for ANY But on the other hand, America and 4) that in New England. Or, on kind of outstretched, nor· Corrections: (Ijrerally), you're killing general. you're dOli'". someone who is black-out mal handshake while his me Smalls! Basically this is a way of drunk, but still function· counterpart throws ou.t Thanks to living in this saying "what up:' On the ing on a basic semi-con· the pound fist (much like place 1 can no longer other hand, lhe full grip, scious level. the way paper beats rock, In the 3/19 issue oftbe. shake another man's hand three pump standard shake The Mistaken Identity: No hence the name). There is for the rest of my life is a way of saying, "Hello one EVER sees this olle no way to avoid the awk 'Herald, we mistakenly printed unless 1endure long hours Sir .. or Madam, I am coming. wardness that is sure to that Shari Alvanas was a for of therapy (continue rearl pleased to make your Characteristics: This ensue this massive viola~ ing and it will become acquaintance;' and is nor occurs when two people tion of handshake eti· mer creative writing professor mOfC than obvious). mally reserved for adults. mistake the identit}, of quette. New England has com Throughout middle each other's outstretched Typical Supplier: An at RWU. She still teaches at pletely destroyed the school and high school I hand during that split sec· adult who is trying to be handshake for me. BUl could operate the Master and interval you have to cool orjust someone who the University wait, before you start say Shake with ease, and even detennine what's getting has no clue what's going ing lhings like "Chris, we wield slight variations thrown at you. One per on. This is common dur· didn't destroy anything, with different cliques. But son goes for the Master ing sporting events when Also, in the article about it's not our fault you can't now, thanks to New Shake while the other the fist pound is 1110st fre shake hands like a nonnal England, I'm at a point goes for the regular quently used Steph Plaud, to clarify: her human being," listen to where] fear meeting new shake. Much like a You know what; I'm boobs called Rib Tunes,and what I have to say. people simply based on volatile chemical combi just going to stop it at Don't you find it odd the fact that I have no idea nation, this meeting is that. This has gone on far the publishing company and that in every episode of what they're going to catastrophic. Two hands too long and is starting to ''Pimp My Ride," featur throw at me. Half the time lost in translation ending traumatize-me. If you try where to find the book, is ing a scrawny white guy, I'm appalled at what I in the realization that you to shake my hand at a rapper Xzibit always man· receive when I'meet new either have to pretend like party, I'm just going to hit Publish America, found at ages to nail a complicated people. that never happened or you with a salmon. www.PublishAmerica.com Let Your Voice Be Beard!! RWU Student Senate Elections Editor: Blaine Moffa Managing Editor: Allisyn'Deyo Vote for Student Senators and Sports Editor: Timothy Mannion Stien<e Editor: Heather Kord"!. Class Officers • April 6 and 7 11:00-2:00 p.m., 4:30-6:00 p.m. Dining Ball Ifyou wish to run for an elected position, please pick up an application form at the Student Senate Office in the Rec Center. the Hawk's R:.,";aIdiCl:wli Sugar-high writer Hairs shares love ofjunk food AP~RI~cr10~ Nails Danielle Baldassini and comparing the tex· are popular in different Contributing Writer ture of the coconut in a cultures. As listeners Tanning Jf what you eat is a Mounds bar to "eating a disclosed their own per reflection of who you cuticle." His imagery sonal favorite candies, - are, Steve Almond has made some of the mem such as Ring Pops and Spa Pedicures us all beat in the sweet bers of the audience .even Japanese candy, we ness depanmenl. cringe, while albers learn thai we all have an 338 Metacom Ave.• Bristol, RI 02809 • 253-0TAN This dark, lanky laughed at the humorous obsession, or at least a (0826) author with a biting wit descriptions. strong preference, for and a huge obses~on Almond described his some kind of sweet with candy of all shapes book as "sensually spe· Ireat. and sizes, was a guest ~ _ Almond con- Dodgeball girls can legitimately again with all types and speaker on March 15. cluded the lecture compete with and ages. There is actually a (cont'd.jrom page J) Almond, the author with a shan reading against boys." chain of dodgeball cen of My Life ill Heavy from his most recent proved to be an increas Gallagher agrees, "~It's tcrs opening nationwide. Metal and more book, The Evil BB ingly popular trend. or as something everyone can The center goes by the recently, Ihe oh-so Chow and Other Gallagher put it, "the do.