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Making Sense of Anxiety What is anxiety and and Cultivating Resilience where does it come from? DR. DEBORAH MACNAMARA FACULTY, NEUFELD INSTITUTE DIRECTOR, KID’S BEST BET COUNSELLING & FAMILY RESOURCE CENTER

An Activated Alarm System

GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER SEPARATION ANXIETY OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE

phobias separation incessant anxiety startle worrying response The root emotion that drives anxiety PANIC ATTACKS trouble focusing risk taking nightmares is ALARM obsessions hyperactivity scattered attention restless SOCIAL ANXIETY nervous SELECTIVE MUTISM panic over full of fear conscientious

((ALARM)) conscientious careful C A How does the brain process alarm? U T I O N concerned cautious

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Some ways we alarm our children ((ALARM))

• by raising our voice futility • with warnings & threats (especially of separation) C A • by giving ultimatums U T • by feigning separation I O • by trading on a child’s fears N • with scary stories released restful resourceful resilient ADAPTATION

((ALARM)) What is resilience? requires brave but - the ability to handle stress and adversity without loss of healthy mixed not foolish functioning or hindrance to growth and development feelings C C - the ability to bounce back from stressful or wounding A perseveres experiences, recover from hurts and injury, to heal from wounds, O return to healthy functioning, be restored in energy and function U U T R - the ability to transcend deficits and dysfunction, to compensate I for disabilities and handicaps, to find a work around for problems A O goal- - the ability to adapt to lacks and losses, to be changed for the N G better by adversity, to be transformed by encounters with futility lacks tears E directed of futility - the ability to be resourceful when it is required tempered - the ability to handle not getting one’s way ADAPTATION

DESIRE ALARM

to engage in an activity to be away from home

to take part in some fun to be laughed at

to ask one’s question to appear stupid ALARM & DESIRE to stand up for a friend to lose popularity

alarm & to wear what one prefers to be seen as different desire to share one’s story to not be interesting to express one’s opinion to meet disapproval to get attached & involved Courage to have to let go to pursue a passion to not measure up

to be oneself to be alone

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((ALARM)) brave but requires not foolish mixed Feeling ALARMED should move us … feelings perseveres C C … to CAUTION is that is possible A O U U … to CRY if that is futile T R I A …. to take COURAGE O G if what alarms N in our way. lacks tears E of futility goal- directed ADAPTATION tempered

Attachment is our greatest need, therefore What is it that alarms us so? SEPARATION from what we are ATTACHED TO is the greatest threat and source of alarm.

the THREAT of ...

SENSES NOT beingSENSES WITH sameness NOTsameness being LIKE belonging belonging & loyalty NOT& loyalty BELONGING significance NOTsignificance MATTERING love NOT beinglove LOVED being known NOTbeing being known KNOWN

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TEN Sources of SEPARATION for Kids What is peer orientation?

• physical and/or emotional separation from an attachment figure - to use one’s peers to get one’s bearings • life events that involve transition, birth of a child, move, daycare, going to school, parents divorce • a lack of belonging, loyalty, significance, being loved and cared for, and having to keep secrets - to take the cues from one’s peers as to what matters as well • separation based discipline such as time outs, 123 magic, consequences as how to act, talk and dress • peer orientation – preferring friends over adults - to prefer the company of one’s peers over that of the adults in one’s life

TEN Sources of SEPARATION for Kids

• physical and/or emotional separation from an attachment figure • life events that involve transition, birth of a child, move, daycare, going to school, parents divorce • a lack of belonging, loyalty, significance, being loved and cared for, and having to keep secrets • separation based discipline such as time outs, 123 magic, consequences • peer orientation – preferring friends over adults • dominance problems

TEN Sources of SEPARATION for Kids

• physical and/or emotional separation from an attachment figure • life events that involve transition, birth of a child, move, daycare, going to school, parents divorce • a lack of belonging, loyalty, significance, being loved and cared for, and having to keep secrets Why is it so hard to see the SEPARATION • separation based discipline such as time outs, 123 magic, consequences • peer orientation – preferring friends over adults • dominance problems in our lives? • normal development, e.g., teen years • sensitive temperament and feeling like one is too much to handle • success, especially if someone takes credit for it • facing death or the realization that bad things can happen to those you are attached to

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irrational ((ALARM)) Irrational Obsessions Related Compulsions obsessions blind to the (false idea of what is wrong) (to avoid alarm & reduce anxiety) work at avoiding the monsters and scary Someone or something is out to hurt me compulsive true source creatures, avoid getting conned, uncover or to get me. behaviours of alarm people’s plots C C Something is wrong with my health or my work at keeping things clean, at not s A O functioning or is going to make me sick. getting sick, at avoiding germs, at k U avoiding contamination U work at putting things in order and e T Something is out of order or out of place. w R preserving order e I A Something is wrong with my body or with work at improving one’s appearance or at d O how I look. changing one’s shape G N Some places or situations are dangerous work at avoiding the things and situations over-cautious E or unsafe. that make one feel unsafe futility is what truly alarms is work at remembering to complete one’s over- not felt Something has been left undone. conscientious not faced tasks work at getting things perfect, doing things over-concerned I might not measure up. ADAPTATION right, improving oneself

Defendedness & Dysfunction Symptom Level dis- ruptive Anxiety-Based Problems behaviour - signs include not feeling safe, anxiety reducing behaviour, phobias, nightmares, obsessions, compulsions, panic attacks Agitation-Based Problems - signs include not talking about feeling scared or nervous, hyperness or tension, restlessness, recklessness, can’t stay out of harm’s way, doesn’t see trouble coming, impulsiveness, scattered attention Adrenalin-Based Problems - devoid of feelings of alarm, attracted to what alarms, lacks presence student’s + social & relational attachment conscience, engages in alarming behaviour of structure + ability to dynamics and ritual behave

Create a Culture of What can we do about reducing alarm Connection and fostering resilience in kids within a school setting?

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seeking providing Social & Relational Dynamics dependentdependent instincts instincts alpha instincts to get one’s bearings to orient and inform - in the classroom- to serve and obey to protect & defend - do the students listen to the teacher? who is to seek assistance to guide and direct commanding their attention? are they using you as a to look up to to look out for compass point? are they trying to be good for you? do they orbit around you or each other? whose to belong to possess approval are they looking for? who commands their to follow to lead loyalty? who do they want to be like? who do they to wait for orders to give the orders want to matter to? to look for guidance to transmit one’s values to comply and conform to command and prescribe

Attachment Facilitates Dependence Attachment Facilitates Dependence What attachment does … provides the power to… What attachment does … provides the power to…

1) Arranges Take charge of 4. Creates a Command their hierarchically them, take care of compass point attention, guide & them and act with direct them and natural authority transmit our culture

2) Renders Like them and 5. Activates Keep them close endearing & endure them proximity and command tolerant instincts their loyalty

3) Creates a sense Provide comfort, 6. Evokes the desire of home Act with natural rest and a place of to be good for power & authority retreat those attached to

Desire to be good as a function of Three Attachment Rituals that Cultivate a attachment Context of Connection

• look up to • be loyal to • Collecting • defer to • make things work for • attend to • take the side of • listen to • find favour with • take cues from • measure up to • Bridging • model after • seek to please • conform to • assume the values of • avoid alienating • share secrets with • Matchmaking

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Collecting a Child

• When the eyes are not accessible or unavailable, collect the ears instead.

• Collect rather than demand attention. Collecting • Create rituals and structures for collecting. • Always engage the attachment instincts before attempting to Get in the child’s face (or space) in a friendly way, collecting work with a child. the eyes, some smiles and some nods.

MAXIMIZE ATTACHMENT - Use Attachment to Maximize your Impact Attachment Behaviours

• Using a persons name If limited by time focus on a few • Greet at the door • Remembering whats important to the person Work attachments explicitly with: • Caring for in unexpected ways • Feeding •Class leader • Looking at with fondness/twinkle in the eye • Help me understand •The challenging student before they become a challenge • Listening with full attention even if only for a moment • Circulate to collect students •Find a way to become attached to the least attachable • Learn and chat about students interests

Working Attachment in the Classroom Cultivating a Context of Connection

Teacher • Collecting

• Bridging

• Matchmaking

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Problems with using consequences to teach a lesson - narrow range of effectiveness - 1. Only works with instrumental behaviour. Problem behaviour rooted in stuckness is NOT responsive to consequences and stuckness itself cannot Bridging be resolved through discipline. 2. Only works if attached to the outcomes. The emotional defendedness of stuck kids renders them prone to detaching from what they care about when it is used against them.

bridge all separations 3. Only works if futility sinks in. Consequences are confrontations with futility. bridge problem behaviour Stuck kids don’t get futility as access to sadness is blocked. bridge any discipline used 4. Only works if capable of thinking twice. Stuck kids often lack the required bridge faults & shortcomings integrative functioning to consider the tempering element when it most needs to be attended to. bridge defensive detachment

Core strategies for Individual Intervention Cultivating a Context of Connection Mete out punishment if necessary - to prevent revenge, to underscore values, to preserve alpha, to preserve justice, to comply with school rules • Collecting - make sure to depersonalize the discipline and personalize the relationship Work on the relationship with us - through collecting, bridging, nurturing, defusing competing • Bridging attachments Solicit good intentions - get them aiming in the right direction • Matchmaking - internalizes your values - primes agency, responsibility & integrative functioning

Pursued Proximity Resisted

proximity resisted & pursued Matchmaking + -

using existing attachments to create new attachments

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Some Examples of Matchmaking Minimize the Influence of Peers

Find ways for the Immature to spend time with the arranging introductions Mature or More Mature: acting friendly or facilitating proximity with a •Cross Age Mentoring protected attachment to open up the child to being collected •Lunch time activities with adult supervision priming dependent or alpha instincts to facilitate •Home Base Room for lunch & breaks care-taking •Avoiding time in the hallways endearing children to their parents or students to their teachers, and vice versa

It’s not so much what we do, but rather WHO WE ARE to them that matters most.

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