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FactSheet for

January 2009

Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler

Parenting an adopted preschooler is very similar to parenting any preschooler. As , you should not ignore the fact that your is adopted What’s Inside: or their experiences prior to the . But you need not worry unnecessarily about these • Adoption and issues, either. • Communicating about adoption Children ages 3 to 5 are limited in how much they • Discipline considerations can understand about adoption. Like all children of this age, adopted children are naturally curious

Child Welfare Information Gateway Children’s Bureau/ACYF U.S. Department of Health and Human Services 1250 Maryland Avenue, SW Administration for Children and Families Eighth Floor Washington, DC 20024 Administration on Children, Youth and Families 703.385.7565 or 800.394.3366 Children’s Bureau Email: [email protected] www.childwelfare.gov Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler www.childwelfare.gov

and may ask many questions. They are also What preschoolers are : growing and changing rapidly. As their • How to jump, hop, climb, ride a abilities develop, so will their understanding tricycle, throw a ball (large muscle of their place in their families and development) communities. These early years are a good time for you to start practicing how to talk • How to color, draw, cut with scissors, about adoption in a positive and relaxed brush teeth, use forks and spoons (fine manner. This will set the stage for open muscle skills) communication as your child grows. • How to put words and short phrases together This factsheet is designed to help you understand your preschooler’s • How to concentrate on a task developmental needs. It also provides • How to recognize members practical strategies to promote a warm and and friends loving relationship with your child based on • How to name simple such as honesty and trust. happy, angry, sad, or scared (children this age will also begin to show more complex emotions such as jealousy Adoption and Child or empathy, although they won’t Development understand the names for them until much later) • How to express emotions and interact It is important to understand the typical with others appropriately developmental tasks and needs of preschoolers, as well as how adoption-  related experiences may affect your child. How preschoolers think: This knowledge will help you better meet • They believe in magic and imaginary his or her needs, build a close relationship characters such as fairies, elves, with your child, and promptly identify and and monsters. address any delays. • They believe that they cause life- changing events and that everything Preschooler Development revolves around them. Preschoolers don’t need special classes or • Their thoughts are often occupied by expensive toys to learn and grow. Simple fantasies and . everyday interactions such as singing, talking, touching, rocking, and reading How parents can help: can help create a bond with your child and • Provide space, activities, and support healthy growth. The following are playthings to stimulate both large and common characteristics and needs small muscle groups. of preschoolers: 

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• Provide chances to and talk developing brain or lead to with others. specific disabilities. • Teach appropriate social skills through or neglect. Early neglect or words and by example. abuse may limit a child’s physical, mental, emotional, and social development. • Model and talk about healthy ways to Often, the longer a child has experienced cope with emotions. abuse or neglect, the greater the impact • Calm their fears. (“See, there are no on development. Children whose early monsters hiding under your bed.”) lives are harsh and/or unpredictable may not be able to develop the trust needed • Help them understand cause and for healthy emotions. Sexual abuse can effect. (“You went into have an especially negative impact on because your parents had grown-up young children by altering a child’s problems that kept them from being understanding of appropriate roles and able to take care of you, not because of relationships. Physical abuse and harsh anything you did.”) physical punishment may affect how a child • If possible, when transitioning responds to discipline. a preschooler into your family, Institutionalization or multiple moves. use familiar foods, clothing, and Young children in institutional care (e.g., blankets—little things that will help ) are at for delays in mental, them feel comfortable and ease social, and physical growth. They also the transition. may have challenges processing sensory information or challenges with balance and Adoption Considerations movement. Institutionalization or multiple moves from family to family may limit It is important for adoptive parents a young child’s ability to form a healthy to understand how their child’s prior attachment to a primary . This can experiences, as well as their individual delay emotional and social development. mental and physical capacity, might affect Grief and loss. Children who experience their development. Many children will separation from their birth parents may catch up developmentally; some children feel an unresolved sense of grief or guilt. will always have challenges. The following Even children adopted as will experiences sometimes contribute to delays experience grief about the loss of their birth or disabilities, but they do not affect all parents and a potential life with them. children in the same way: These feelings may recur over their lifetime, Poor . Poor prenatal care or even when their adoption is a positive nutrition can harm a child’s physical or experience. Unresolved grief can affect a mental development. Prenatal exposure child’s emotional and mental development. to alcohol or drugs may damage a child’s

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Addressing Children’s • Use simple games and activities that Developmental Gaps help your child develop and coordinate all five senses. Finger-paint in the If your child spent a lot of time living in bathtub with colored shaving cream, an institution or was in an abusive family practice writing with foam rubber letters, situation, he or she may not have been play dress-up with multifabric clothing taught or shown how to communicate or and accessories, identify toys and point regulate feelings. He or she may not have out their different characteristics (red, had chances to learn to play with other yellow, smooth, soft, big, small). Allow children, take turns, or just have fun. your child to play with “baby toys” Developmentally and experientially, your designed for much younger children. child may be much younger than his or her A child cannot catch up without chronological age, and it may be helpful to experiencing earlier developmental steps. think of the child in that way. As a result, your child may need time to “catch up” Parenting to Build Attachment to children in the same age group in some skills. If English is not your child’s first You can also use knowledge of your child’s language and he or she was placed after developmental needs to help enhance beginning to understand language, there your child’s attachment to you. Offer your may be additional delays and challenges. child the kind of attention, nurturing, and physical closeness that he or she may have You can help your child overcome these missed during early months and years. developmental gaps by adjusting the way you interact with your child to his or her Here are some things you can do to build developmental needs, rather than his or her attachment with your preschooler: age. Allow your child to learn at his or her • Smile at your child often, make loving own pace. Break tasks down into smaller, eye contact, and use frequent praise. doable steps so that the child can feel a sense of mastery and accomplishment. • Increase your physical contact (hug, hold hands, let your child sit on your lap). Be The following are some examples: careful to use “safe touch” with children • Teach your child new ways to interact who may have been sexually abused. (For and communicate. Use both actions more information, see the Information and words. (“I am waiting for my turn Gateway factsheet, Parenting a Child Who to throw the Frisbee.” “John showed his Has Been Sexually Abused.) anger with words, not fists.”) • Spend as much time with your child as • Teach your child about safety, privacy, possible. Consider reducing your and healthy family relationships. hours or taking a leave of absence Demonstrate appropriate behavior and during the child’s initial placement, if explain. (“In this home we go to the you are able. bathroom one at a time,” or “We do not • Allow your child to go back to an earlier keep secrets.”) developmental stage, such as rocking

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on your lap cuddled in a blanket. Play If you notice significant delays, loss of baby games like peek-a-boo, feeding each previous skills, or extreme behavior, contact other, and pat-a-cake. your child’s doctor. You should also report if your child has excessive reactions to touch, • Show your child how to play, how to light, sounds, and motion. A professional have fun, and how to be silly. can help assess your child’s development • Establish regular routines, guidelines, and determine if serious delays exist. Often family activities, and traditions. it is fairly easy to address developmental issues, and interventions may have more • Plan future events to reassure your child impact if the child is very young. that he or she will always be part of your family. Show your child where he There are many things you can do if you or she will go to grade school, middle feel that your child’s birth family history or school, and high school. Talk about the early experiences may put him or her at risk future in your conversations (e.g., next for developmental delays or disabilities: Thanksgiving, next summer, on your • Talk to your child’s doctor about the sixth birthday). possibility of a developmental delay • Help your child grieve losses. Talk about or disability. Choose a doctor who has former , and look at their experience with children who have photos together, if available. been adopted or those in placement, if possible. • Help your child remember his or her past. • Contact your State’s postadoption When to Seek Help resource center or adoptive association. See the Postadoption Services Children learn skills (talking, , section of the Information Gateway kicking a ball, recognizing letters) at their website for more information: www. own pace. Don’t become alarmed if your childwelfare.gov/adoption/postadoption child is slightly behind others his or her age in one, two, or more areas. • Seek support and advice from experienced adoptive parents of children similar However, any child, adopted or not, may to yours. Join an adoptive parent have a developmental delay or disability. support group. This is defined as asignificant delay in one or more skill areas. Some delays are present at • Ask for a professional assessment. Under birth while others become more evident as Federal law, a young child who might the child grows. You should be prepared to have a physical, sensory, mental, or nurture and assist your child if you discover emotional disability is guaranteed the a developmental delay. This is the role of all right to an assessment. If your child parents, adoptive or not. Joining a support receives Medicaid, screening is free group or parent group, particularly with through the Early Periodic Screening, other adoptive families, may help your Diagnosis, and Treatment (EPSDT) family cope with these issues.

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program. For more information see: Talk Openly About Adoption www.hrsa.gov/epsdt/family.htm Preschoolers stories and will want • Attend ongoing training on adoption and to hear their own adoption story again special needs. and again. These years are a great time to practice approaching the topic comfortably If your child is found to have a disability, he and honestly. Preschoolers are limited in or she might be eligible for how much they can understand about Special . This can include speech adoption, so simple explanations will work therapy, occupational or physical therapy, best. Be concrete and use props such as and counseling. Some services can be dolls, simple drawings, and story books. provided at home, while others may be Don’t feel you have to cover everything at offered at a child development center. once; you and your child will have many As always, it is important that you maintain chances to talk about adoption. a positive attitude and establish a tone Preschoolers generally feel good about of loving support and encouragement by having been adopted but may still have showing you are willing to meet the child questions. At this age, they are beginning to where he or she is developmentally. Recent notice pregnant women and wonder where research shows that nurturing environments babies come from. The most important and loving relationships can build resilience idea for the preschooler to grasp is that he in children. or she was born to another set of parents and now lives with your family. (Some adopted preschoolers have thought that Communicating they were not born.) You can help your About Adoption child understand this idea using clear and simple explanations. (“Babies grow in a special safe place inside their birth ’ Parents who project an attitude of bodies.”) Don’t worry if they initially reject acceptance and comfort with adoption are the explanation. better able to help their children explore their own feelings and fears. With young Children this age are also self-centered children, how you say something is more and concrete in their thinking. They often important than what you say. Stay relaxed blame themselves for life events. Language and matter of fact. Your tone of voice is is an important consideration whenever important. Parents who grimace or tense up discussing adoption, both with your child when the topic of adoption is raised may and in responses to other people’s questions send the message that something is wrong when your child is present. Tell the with being adopted. Similarly, keeping adoption story in words that will help him information “secret” implies that adoption or her build a positive identity, calm fears, is negative, bad, or scary. This section and understand his or her personal story. provides strategies to help you communicate effectively with your preschooler.

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Consider the following word choices:

Instead of: Say: “Real” /father OR Birth mother/father OR “Natural” mother/father First mother/father We could not have our own baby We could not have a baby born to us Your birth parents were not able to take Your birth parents had grown-up problems, so care of you. they could not take care of a child. They gave you up for adoption. They made a plan for you to be adopted.

Use a Lifebook A “lifebook” contains the background • If necessary, put aside sensitive and story of your child’s life. It is a sort of information until the child is old enough personal history book, where your child can to understand it. collect pictures of important people, places, • See the Lifebooks for Children section and events, as well as objects and other of the Information Gateway website memorabilia that have a personal meaning. for more resources: www.childwelfare. Here are some tips to help you create this gov/outofhome/resourcefam/foster/ book with your child: lifebooks.cfm

• Start at the beginning of your child’s Support Birth Family Relationships story—with his or her birth, not with the adoption. “Open adoption” refers to maintaining contact between the child (adoptee) and his • Present facts simply, in ways that the or her birth parents or other birth relatives. child can understand. Like not keeping adoption a secret, an • Maintain contacts with birth family open adoption can have great benefits for members, staff, and previous the adoptee as well as the adoptive parents caseworkers and caregivers to gather and birth families. Many adoptive families photos and memorabilia for the book. choose to maintain some level of contact with their child’s birth family members, • If your child was adopted internationally, although the degree of openness varies. include visuals from his or her native country (postcards, woven fabrics, Families can select an arrangement that popular folk images, native best suits their child’s needs. In some cartoon characters). , adoptive family and birth family members contact each other directly. In • Allow your child to decide when and others, information is shared through an with whom to share this valuable book. agency, caseworker, or lawyer. Some families

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choose to share only medical histories and previous caretakers will help your child feel other background information without better and closer to you. identifying information such as last names Families may look quite different from one or addresses. Families should learn more another. In today’s families, it is not unusual about the benefits of open adoption by for a child to have both a dad and a stepdad working with their adoption agency and or multiple . This variety in by reading and educating themselves about families may make it easier for you to talk adoption issues. to your child about his or her birth family. Adoptive parents sometimes worry about It may also help your child to have separate relationships with the birth family. labels for each family member (Grandpa, Sometimes their initial reaction to the idea Pappy, Grandfather; Mommy, Birth Mother). of openness and contact is one of . (Will For internationally adopted children with their child prefer the birth parent? Will the no birth family member contacts, show your child reject the adoptive family? Can the interest in finding as much information child become confused about having two as you can. Help your child learn about families?) Because of these fears, adoptive his or her country of origin—its culture, parents may want to refuse any contact. history, language, native foods and manner Adoption experts note that contact with of dress, and current events. Talk about the birth family members generally has a possibility of a future family trip there, if positive effect on children. Contact with financially possible. the birth family helps a child develop his or her identity, build self-esteem, and feel Help Children Cope With Adoption- more—not less—attached to the adoptive family. Like all relationships, these types Related Losses of relationships may feel awkward at first. Children adopted as preschoolers often feel Sometimes an outside adoption expert, such sad or angry about their separation from the as a counselor or agency social worker, can people they remember. These may include help everyone define and feel comfortable birth family members, foster parents, and with their respective roles. Early meetings orphanage “brothers and sisters.” Some may need to take place at a neutral location, preschoolers adopted as babies show or initial contact may be by letter, email, sadness when they begin to grasp the or phone. concept of adoption and the people they have lost, even if they have no conscious Preschool-age children have limited memory of them. understanding of their relationship to their birth parents. (One little boy said, “Susan is Young children, like all people, experience my birthday mother because she comes to my grief and need to mourn and work through birthday parties.”) Help your preschooler see loss. You can help them by answering their that these other “parents” or relatives are questions honestly, accepting their feelings, important. Speak of them respectfully and and helping them remember important comment on their positive qualities. Seeing people in their past. Learning to be that you value his or her birth relatives or comfortable with your own feelings about

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adoption, why you choose to adopt (e.g., insecurity. Fears may take the form of ), or missing out on your child’s sleeping or difficulties, nightmares, earlier experiences creates a positive and separation difficulties, nervousness, or significant bond with your adopted child. increased allergies and illnesses. Here Acknowledge their feelings without trying are some things you can do to build to sweep them away or clear them up. You your child’s physical comfort level and may also acknowledge your own sadness emotional security: by saying something like, “I’m sad too that Build a safe environment. Install I didn’t get to be with you when you were nightlights, buy soft cuddly clothing, just a little baby, but I’m happy that your prepare favorite foods, and give your birth mother (and father) had you and that child extra attention. Whenever possible, you came to live with me.” keep important toys, clothes, and other Accept sadness as a normal part of a child’s objects from your child’s past. Establishing coming to terms with adoption. Don’t consistent routines and rules will also help deny your child this feeling or rush him your child feel safe and secure. or her through it. Even children adopted as infants, with no memory of their birth Let your child know that you will always parents, will experience these losses, issues, be there. Reassure your child that your and feelings. This is a part of adoption, family and home are permanent. If your not only for the adoptee, but also for the child was adopted past infancy, he or she birth parents and adoptive parents who may experience separation anxieties. When grieve what might have been. Your own you leave the house, make sure to point out understanding of adoption issues will better that your departure is temporary. Ease the prepare you to respond to your child’s child into visiting a new location or getting questions and feelings. However, if your to know a new caregiver. Talk in advance preschooler seems sad or angry much of the about where he will go, what he will do, time, seek help. Extreme behaviors or moods and when you will come to get him. Visit (control issues, withdrawal, apathy, extreme the site together if possible. Help your child fearfulness, poor appetite, aggressiveness) select a comfort item from home to bring may result from unresolved grief. If your along or to play with together later at home. child shows these behaviors, look for a Always pick him or her up on time. therapist or counselor who specializes in young children and truly understands Acknowledge fantasies. Many children adoption. Ask other adoptive parents for fantasize about an alternate family life. recommendations whenever possible. Some children dream of a “real” mother who never reprimands or a father who Address Adoption Fears serves ice cream for dinner. The fantasies of and Fantasies an adopted child may be more frequent or intense because another set of parents really Young children who have already lost exists. Accept your child’s pretending or one home might be very fearful of losing wishing without defensiveness. another. This may lead to increased

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Give your child permission to talk about adopted children (for example, assignments birth family members and/or wonder involving bringing in baby pictures, creating about family they have not met. You can family trees, or discussing family histories). even take the lead by saying, “I bet your The preschool years are when children birth mom thinks about you,” or “I wonder become aware of physical and cultural if your birth dad had such clear blue eyes differences. They can also learn some basics like yours.” Teach your preschooler that it about the different ways families are formed. is okay to care about both adopted parents Ask the school to include books, dolls, and and birth parents. playthings to represent cultural, ethnic, and family diversity. Incorporate Adoption Into Family Traditions/Rituals The preschool years are a wonderful time to start family rituals that celebrate your child’s Discipline Considerations cultural heritage. They are also a good time to celebrate the role of adoption in forming your family. Birth parents and grandparents The purpose of discipline is to teach, can be remembered on Mother’s Day and re-teach, and assist children in developing Father’s Day by special cards, prayers, or their own internal controls. Discipline candle lightings. International adoptive should take into account your child’s families can celebrate significant events of abilities, learning styles, and family history. their children’s countries of origin, such There are many resources available to help as the 15th of September (Guatemalan parents learn and use . independence) or the Chinese New Year. This section provides information about In addition to a birthday celebration, a few specific strategies that may be your family can develop a special way to particularly useful for parents of acknowledge the child’s “adoption day.” adopted children.

Be Sensitive to Daycare/ Note that parents need to be especially careful with children who have been abused Preschool Concerns or neglected. Physical punishment and Parents often wonder whether they should threats of physical punishment should not talk to their child’s teacher about adoption be used as forms of discipline. or the child’s past. A good rule to follow is to share only the information needed to Establish Routines and Rules ease the child’s adjustment and to keep your Young children thrive on consistency and child and his or her classmates safe. Ask routine. Routines and rules help children that adoption be included in materials and begin to organize their worlds and regulate discussions. Consider donating appropriate their own emotions; they can be especially picture books about adoption. Help teachers helpful for children whose worlds previously use positive adoption language and be felt chaotic. Children are generally more aware of situations that may be hard for

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cooperative and secure when they know consequences. Natural consequences occur what to expect. without parental intervention. The natural consequence of leaving a outside Preschool children need just a few simple overnight might be that it gets rusty or rules to promote child safety and family stolen. Logical consequences are determined harmony. From the moment your child by the parent. For example, a logical joins your family, establish the household consequence of running into the street routines that will ease everyday life. may be to come inside for the rest of Routines for meals and are the afternoon. especially important. Children who were placed in institutions or who had When using logical consequences, it is chaotic pasts may take a while to become important to be extra sensitive to a child comfortable with family routines. Children who has experienced poverty or neglect. who have been placed in several foster For such a child, the loss of a toy might or relative homes will have experienced seem so tragic that it interferes with the different rules and expectations in each lesson to be learned. Coach, explain, and setting. Be patient when explaining and give second chances. demonstrating your rules and routines. Natural and logical consequences work only Be cautious about varying the routines until if your child can understand the connection you are sure your child is used to them and between actions and consequences. feels secure. Adjust your discipline strategy to fit your child’s abilities and developmental stage. Use Developmentally Appropriate If your child was prenatally exposed to Rewards and Consequences alcohol, he or she may have extra difficulty Children respond better to praise and understanding the connections between positive rewards than to scolding or actions and consequences. Work with a correcting. Preschoolers love being told knowledgeable therapist or parent coach to that they have done something well. Praise develop an appropriate discipline strategy. reinforces positive behaviors. Use Time In Instead of Time Out Be sure to notice and praise specific behavior. For example: “You did a great job waiting Many parents and teachers of preschoolers your turn” is more effective than “You’re a like to use a brief period of isolation to help good girl.” In fact, nonspecific labels such a child regain self-control. This is known as as “good girl” may backfire with adopted time out. For children who have developed a children who were neglected or abused. secure attachment to others, a few minutes Their self-esteem may be so low that they of time out are often effective. These kids cannot believe they are good or worthy. don’t like to be alone, and they will improve their behavior quickly so that they can As preschoolers mature, they begin to rejoin the group. If you use time out for your see the connection between cause and 3- to 5-year-old, keep it short, and remain in effect. With this ability, they are ready sight of your child. to learn through both natural and logical

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However, the time out method is not the parenting classes or reading parenting books best approach for children who have been specific to adoption, attachment, or children neglected, abused, or institutionalized. The exposed to trauma also will be helpful. main challenge in parenting these children is to help them form healthy attachments. In these cases, use the time in method. Time in is useful because it avoids distancing kids Summary from parents, playmates, and the rest of the family. When your preschooler’s behavior indicates out-of-control emotions, take him The preschool years are the perfect time for or her aside and say: “Time in. You need to adoptive parents to increase their comfort stay right here with me until you are ready with and sensitivity to adoption issues. to join the group.” Keep the child physically These years also play an important part in close to you until he or she is calmer. If the creating a bond between parent and child child is extremely agitated, you may need to based on honesty and trust. With a few sit him or her securely on your lap. This will adjustments, these early years can provide send a message of support without the need the foundation for healthy development for a temporary separation. Attending and a warm and loving parent-child relationship.

Acknowledgment: This bulletin was developed by Child Welfare Information Gateway, in partnership with Claudia Hutchison, private adoption consultant and former program manager of the Oregon Post Adoption Resource Center. This document is made possible by the Children’s Bureau, Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. The conclusions discussed here are solely the responsibility of the authors and do not represent the official views or policies of the funding agency. Suggested Citation: Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2009). Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

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