The Adventure Zone: Dadlands Published on November 28th, 2019 Listen on TheMcElroy.family
[theme music plays]
Griffin: There‘s—we‘ve multiplied, via mitosis.
Audience: [laughs]
Justin: Uh, hi. You know us, so let‘s not waste any time with that. Uh, I want to issue a very, uhh… special welcome to our guest game mom for this evening. He is much more competent than any of us, so we have invited him to help guide us along. Appropriately enough, he is this evening‘s game mom. He‘s a gentlemen from College Humor‘s Dimension 20. It‘s Brennan Lee Mulligan. Please give a huge—
Audience: [cheers loudly]
Brennan: From the bottom of my heart, I am earnestly just excited that I got into a The Adventure Zone live show. That‘s where I'm at.
Justin: Welcome.
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: This rules. This fully rules, and I'm having the time of my life.
Justin: This is a bad idea. It‘s hitting me now. We've never played this.
Griffin: Not once.
Travis: No one has.
Justin: No one has.
Travis: No one has ever played this.
Justin: No one ever has ever played The Dadlands, a Justin McElroy original concept. I think we can all remember that I was the one who came up with the name first, and then…
Audience: [cheers]
Justin: Thank you. It‘s very kind.
Clint: Did you really?
Justin: I did. It‘s been kickin‘ in my head. For a while, I thought it was gonna be my YA series. My million-selling YA series. But no, no dice on that front. It‘s turned into a… well, this. Whatever this is.
Griffin: Whatever this is going to be.
Justin: Going to be. It‘s nothing now. No one‘s ever played it before. [laughs]
Travis: And I'm sure we don‘t need to go over the rules. I'm sure you all already know the Dadlands rules backwards and forwards.
Clint: Well, it might be nice to tell some of us a little bit about the game…
Audience: [laughs]
Clint: I mean, I'm just sayin‘.
Griffin: You were there at the game‘s inception, and you still didn‘t learn how to play.
Travis: There is only possibly three people on earth who know more about the game than you do.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Yeah. In the power rankings, you are still very high of people on earth.
Travis: So basically, here‘s how the game works. Real quick.
Justin: No.
Travis: What?
Justin: I thought we were gonna talk about it later when we did the…
Travis: I'm just doing the concept.
Justin: Roleplay acting. Yes. Okay, the concept of The Dadlands.
Travis: Yes. So, we all have fanny packs.
Griffin: It‘s true.
Audience: [cheers]
Travis: And in these fanny packs, we have green and red chips to represent, uh… this is—
Griffin: Law.
Travis: Law. And this is chaos.
Clint: Order.
Travis: Chaos and law. And when we make a move that has anything to do with chaos and law, we reach into our fanny packs and try to draw the corresponding chips.
Audience: [laughs]
Travis: You'll find out the rest as we go, but that‘s the basic game mechanic.
Justin: Of The Dadlands.
Travis: Of The Dadlands.
Clint: Oh, I remember that now.
Griffin: Yes.
Justin: Yes. Brennan, whenever you're ready…
Griffin: Start weaving your tapestry.
Brennan: [clears throat dramatically] Very well. Uh, without further ado, I invite all of you… to envision… a land. [speaking in a deep, dramatic tone] Blasted by the scorching sun. Tall rocks burn with the ash of a forgotten age. Long ago, a hundred, hundred years past…
Clint: Now, we don‘t—
Griffin: Is that—is that two hundred years, or…
Audience: [laughs]
Justin: [laughs]
Travis: Or is that like a hundred squared?
Justin: Like ten thousand?
Clint: And we don‘t really do voice work, Brennan…
Audience: [laughs]
Justin: Okay. Sorry.
Griffin: No, I'm into it.
Justin: Resume your—resume your tapestry.
Travis: Yes, please. Continue weaving.
Brennan: Alright. [keeps speaking in a deep tone] Continuing to weave. Rising from the bleached-white bones of the forsaken earth, a screen rises to the top of the sky. Miles tall, piercing the veil of clouds above… the plasma screen! Hwaaah!
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: A television so large and powerful that, to climb its dizzying heights, to press the power button, invites… only death!
Audience: [laughing]
Travis: Mm-hmm.
Justin: Okay.
Travis: Yes.
Clint: Death. Big screen. Death.
Brennan: Hidden in the valley between the massive, towering screen and the sofa mountains across the valley… we see—
Travis: Griffin can't laugh or smile!
Griffin: I can't laugh or smile!
Travis: If he laughs or smiles, his mustache will fall off, and I just watched him like, have to fully zen out to keep his facial hair on. To be fair, the same thing is true of me.
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: Uh… Between the sofa mountains and the massive, towering screen, we see, etched into the valley floor, ancient runes, written by the primeval dads of long ago. They say that when these dads crafted the runes, there were still some that had seen or known the mythical mothers, or even… the children spoken of in lore. But these are condemned now as madmen and fools!
Audience: [laughs]
Griffin: Oh my god.
Clint: Come on. Stay on there, mustache.
Audience: [laughing]
Brennan: Word had spread throughout the Dadlands… a conclave has been called. And the dad tribes now journey to meet once more, to face a threat… to the Dadlands themselves. We begin with the rising smoke of a journeying tribe of dads. From ancient grill cars, sucking in charcoal briquettes, we see rising fumes of… what is that, ribs? That could be ribs?
Audience: [laughing]
Griffin: It‘s—it‘s ribs.
Travis: Griffin, this look is really working for you.
Griffin: Thank you.
Brennan: The hot desert, heated even more by the fires of their grill wagons, the Grill Dads make their way to the conclave. Griffin, please introduce your character for us.
Griffin: [in a deep southern accent] Uh, my name is…
Audience: [cheers]
Griffin: Thank you. My name—my name is Briquette Hoggins.
Audience: [laughing and cheering]
Briquette: You may know me as the owner and proprietor of the Waco Wastelands, number one rated rib joint on Future Yelp. It‘s Hoggins‘ Sloppy Doggone Hog Spot. I'm one of a handful of grill masters that know how to cook the forbidden meats.
Justin: [laughing]
Brennan: Indeed.
Clint: [laughs]
Brennan: Briquette, under your arm, you carry the scrolls of the forbidden meats.
Briquette: They're very flammable. It‘s a whole thing. I've just breathed in one of the mustache hairs, and I'm in hell.
Clint: [laughs]
Audience: [laughing]
Clint: But you stayed in character.
Justin: Love that.
Brennan: Walking through… walking through the gray, ashen hills that separate the conclave from the Amazement Park come, carrying one of those uh, brightly colored blue ropes that they tie children to – y'know, the field trip ropes? A line, stretching to the horizon, of Vacation Dads, walk. Justin, please introduce your character.
Justin: [in a goofy, southern accent] Well, my name‘s Chip Hugginsby.
Audience: [cheers]
Chip: My name‘s Chip Hugginsby. I've been lookin‘ forward to this trip all year. And I'll be goddamned if anybody‘s gonna ruin it for me!
Audience: [laughing and cheering]
Brennan: The Vacation Dads step in line as they march to the conclave, their war paint of zinc and sunscreen blotted across their faces.
A whistle blows in the horizon from the cracked earth to the wastes to the south. ―Ten-hut!‖ Shoo shoo shoo shoo shoo shoo! A marching rank and file of Sports Dad charges in formation across the cracked earth. Their visors and hats low to protect their eyes, their aviators enormous, their knee-high crew socks thick and white as the salt earth!
Audience: [cheering]
Briquette: I… I can't see what‘s happenin‘ on that side of the table, but I'm pretty sure I hate it.
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: Uh, Clint, please introduce your character.
Clint: [in a gruff voice] I'm coach Red Ruffinsore!
Audience: [cheers]
Red: I'm that dad that uh, every time their kid got onto a team, he signed up as the assistant coach, even though he doesn‘t have an iota of athletic ability within his very body. Which is very autobiographical for me.
Griffin: Yes.
Audience: [laughs]
Griffin: Dad‘s wearing a hat for the high school that you attended, so this is all very, very hard for us to separate.
Brennan: [laughs] Uh… And, as the sun reaches its zenith in the sky, the roar of incredible Hemis, engines, stretching beyond the edges of the car‘s hood, the roar of gasoline being sucked into the engines of these cars, the convoy races, and the Car Dads approach.
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: Travis, please describe your character.
Travis: I'm Guy Ferrari!
Audience: [screams]
Guy: I can fix a car with van parts or a van with car parts, or… I don't know, maybe a scooter? I'm gonna try a scooter one day! Uh, I have one of the higher parking spots in the parking garage where the car dads live. I'm pretty high up there.
Brennan: [laughs]
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: As the tribes of dads arrive at the conclave, you see, waiting for you, the tribe that has called this conclave: the Drama Dads.
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: You see the leader of the Drama Dads stride to the dais. This is Daddy Djorn, leader of the Drama Dads, in a massive palanquin of stitched together Baby Bjorns.
Audience: [laughing]
[pause]
Brennan: I'm doing what you asked me to do!
Justin: No, this is all…
Brennan: I was told—I was given a brief! I wasn‘t here for the first part, so… [laughs]
Justin: I'm wrapped.
Brennan: Uh, you see in the setting sun, Daddy Djorn raises the scepter of a little comedy-tragedy mask on just a long yard stick, kind of duct taped together, and cries out over the valley of assembled dads…
Daddy Djorn: I am invoking the sacred right of conclave!!
Brennan: And in unison, the dads respond…
Dads: Hi, invoking the sacred right of conclave!! We are dads!!
Audience: [laughs and cheers]
Travis: That‘s a good joke.
Brennan: Thanks? [laughs] Thank you. Um, you see Daddy Djorn beholds the tribes here and says…
Daddy Djorn: Five tribes, there are assembled here. And a sixth has not answered the call. It is as we have feared… far beyond the lumber lands, in their capital of Sawburg, the Craft Dads grow stronger and stronger.
Audience: [laughs]
Daddy Djorn: That they have not come tells us all we need to know. There, in their monuments of sawhorses and tree houses… and dog houses… and bird houses…
Griffin: Lot of…
Justin: Yeah. All the houses. Got it. Yes.
Briquette: Mostly specialized animal houses.
Daddy Djorn: Sure, you get it. It‘s the same shape, it‘s just where it goes and how big it is.
Briquette: Smaller. Yeah.
Audience: [laughing]
Daddy Djorn: For a hundred hundred years, the screen has been dead! The mothers and the children, gone! We have been left to suffer in these Dadlands. It has come to the knowledge of the Drama Dads… the remote. The clicker. The doo-dad.
Justin: Motey the Troll is what we called it in our house.
Brennan: [laughs]
Daddy Djorn: … has been discovered. The Craft Dads have taken it for their own.
Briquette: Now, see, they're gonna put it on HGTV, and I can only take so much of that.
Audience: [laughs]
Briquette: It ain't bad. Them Property Brothers are alright.
Audience: [cheers]
Guy: Yeah, but there‘s a car auction on today!
Briquette: And the gri—I want to watch the grilling channel.
Audience: [laughs]
Justin: [laughing] There are like, eight cooking channels! You don‘t have to invent one from [unintelligible]
Briquette: The Great British Bake Off is a sin, and you know this.
Audience: [cheers]
Travis: Is that like, the forbidden pleasure of the Grill Dads? Like, they sneak away?
Briquette: I—I make my pastries on the grill as God intended.
Daddy Djorn: Four must be chosen. Four must venture forth from the conclave to address the wrongs of the Craft Dads. Are there four dads here brave enough to—
Briquette: Uh, I had a question. There is five of tribes of us, so what‘s…
Guy: Yeah, why—why are the Drama Dads not going?
Justin: Somebody has to tell the story.
Griffin: Justin. I'm sorry to do this.
Justin: That was Justin.
Griffin: Character voi—okay.
Justin: That was Justin.
Griffin: Okay.
Audience: [laughing]
[whistle blows]
Justin: No.
Griffin: That sucks.
Justin: You promised. Everyone hated it. Everyone hated it and you promised. You promised.
Travis: And that was the only time Dad used the whistle.
Clint: Really? Did you hate this? [whistle blows]
Justin: No—take it! Take it away!
Griffin: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Justin: Take it away! You're done!
Griffin: Just not into the—not into the microphone.
Justin: You're done. You're done. Paul.
Griffin: Thank you, Paul.
Audience Member: Thank you, Paul!
Justin: Please replace my daddy‘s hearing aids.
Travis: Thank you, real dad.
Justin: Okay.
Audience: [cheering]
Justin: I'm pretty sure the four of us—
Travis: Ahh!
[whistle blows]
Brennan: [laughing]
Travis: For those of you listening at home…
Justin: Okay.
Audience: [laughing]
Griffin: Please. Please. Comedy rule of threes. Please.
Justin: He doesn‘t have a third whistle.
Travis: Now pull out a giant whistle!
Griffin: No fucking way.
Justin: He has a third whistle.
Griffin: There‘s a third whistle.
Justin: He does have a third whistle.
Brennan: I'm gonna—for those—for those listening… Clint has pulled out a third whistle from his pocket.
Justin: Okay. Okay, the—
Daddy Djorn: The Drama Dads must not go, for this is a mission that requires stealth, and the Drama Dads… don‘t roll like that.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Sure.
Audience: [laughs]
Justin: Makes sense.
Daddy Djorn: But! Will one champion from each tribe step forward?
Guy: I'll go!
Chip: Yeah, me too. No problem.
Red: Yo, pick me!
[pause]
Audience: [laughs]
Briquette: I guess it‘s me.
Daddy Djorn: Great. That worked out great. That worked out right away. Excellent. Alright! Uh, for everybody else, we‘re gonna have, uh… I think this is a little spread, and we might, uh, have some dinner afterwards, but um… that‘s sort of all the business that we had on the agenda. Um…
Justin: [laughing]
Guy: Should we pick a restaurant where everyone can get what they want, or just go where we want to go?
Daddy Djorn: As is the law of dads for time and memorial… we will pick where we want to go, and insist it‘s where everyone wants to go!
Justin: [laughs]
Audience: [laughs]
Clint: We‘re going to Crystal Lake and we‘re going to have fun!!
Daddy Djorn: We—time is of the essence. Make your peace. Car Dad.
Guy: Yeah?
Daddy Djorn: Guy Ferrari.
Guy: Thank you.
Audience: [laughs]
Daddy Djorn: Your war car shall be the vessel of this journey, but we shall need all of the strength and cunning of the Sports Dads. All of the wisdom and secret knowledge of the Grill Dads. And someone to bring snacks and sunscreen.
Clint: [laughs]
Audience: [laughs]
Chip: It‘s my ‗specialality‘!
Daddy Djorn: Uh, very well.
Guy: Well, here‘s the thing. If we‘re gonna get in my Hyundai Elantra…
Audience: [laughs]
Guy: I'm gonna need everybody to wipe their feet. ‗Cause listen, it is ten years old, but I've taken great care of it. Still drives like new!
Clint: So you're saying this apocalypse is like, right around the corner from right now?
Griffin: Isn't it, though?
Justin: Okay.
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: Should I feel bad that I drive a ten year old Hyundai Elantra…? Am I a dad? Uh… [dramatic voice] Sun sets as the dads wander hither and yon. You are met as you prepare for your journey by dads that applaud your courage and wish you well on the journey to come. What do our four heroic dads do in preparation of this journey?
Travis: Uh, I download some audiobooks to listen to as we drive. Mostly Star Trek novels.
Audience: [cheers]
Clint: Um, I drive down to the post-apocalyptic AAA and get a TripTik that shows us how to get wherever the hell we‘re going.
Griffin: That was so deep dad humor that nobody in the audience got it.
Clint: I know!
Audience: [laughs]
Griffin: The ouroboros has formed. The comedy snake is eating its tail.
Travis: Y'know, non-smiling Griffin is really starting to creep me out. [laughing]
Griffin: Yeah.
Clint: I keep expecting a shot to ring out.
Justin: Uh, I fill a backpack with snacks and drinks and cool towels and a fan and guns.
Clint: [laughs]
Travis: What?!
Clint: It‘s canon! It‘s canon now!
Justin: No, there‘s no cannons. There‘s no room for that.
Audience: [laughs]
Travis: Dad joke.
Clint: Boy, you are really leaning into the dad jokes.
Travis: Y'know, maybe that is—so this is still alpha testing. Maybe that‘s like a homebrew rule you could do of like, if you make a successful dad joke, maybe you get some kind of bonus on your next pull.
Griffin: Yes. Yeah. Like a laser cannon.
Clint: Write that down, Brennan.
Justin: No, yeah. Okay.
Griffin: Uh, I spend some time with my smoker, with, y'know, using the forbidden meats to sort of, uh, try and decipher visions of the future in the smoke.
Audience: [laughing]
Brennan: Do you have an associated dad skill you would like to use to divine visions from the future of your smoked meat?
Griffin: Yes, meat smoke vision looking.
Brennan: Okay. Um, I am going—this is only gonna be, uh, a difficulty one.
Griffin: Okay.
Brennan: Will you be using law or chaos for this skill?
Griffin: I imagine everything associated with grilling is chaos. It‘s passion, it is, y'know, there‘s not one way—one rule or recipe to grill. It‘s all in the heart. And so, I think—I think chaos is more suitable for this.
Travis: Stop stroking your soul patch!
Griffin: It‘s to put it back on.
Clint: [laughs]
Brennan: Uh, so, alright—
Griffin: It‘s very wet.
Travis: [laughs]
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: To remind our audience of the rules, red tokens represent the force of chaos. Green tokens represent the force of law. The journey of each dad is to straddle this divide, to bridge this balance. You may make your draw.
Griffin: Am I just drawing one?
Brennan: You are only going to draw one.
Audience: [cheers]
Griffin: Yesss!
Justin: Chaos! It‘s chaos!
Travis: It‘s a chaos pull.
Clint: Chaos!
Travis: Now, when that happens, when you make the successful pull, you then get another token.
Griffin: An additional chaos token. So, slide one of them red bad boys down a-my way.
Brennan: Absolutely. Um, uh, so when you say ‗forbidden grill meats,‘ does this just mean meats you genuinely shouldn‘t grill?
Griffin: Yes.
Brennan: Alright, so you're grilling a bunch of prosciutto.
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: And twisting visions of smoke… [makes monstrous sound effects]
Smoke: [dramatic and gruff] Which dad has the secrets of the smoke lore to summon the twisted visions of things yet to come?
Briquette: Uh, it‘s me. It‘s Hoggins again.
Audience: [laughing]
Briquette: It‘s Briquette again.
Smoke: Pose your question, smoke shaman, and see what you can glean.
Briquette: Yep. I usually talk to another guy in there. Is he around?
Justin: [laughing]
Audience: [laughing]
Brennan: You see the smoke parts, and a particularly knotted clump of prosciutto kind of pops with some grease, and a little smoke thing comes out and says…
Smoke: [in a goofier voice] Hey there, Hoggins!
Briquette: Oh, hey there man.
Audience: [cheering]
Briquette: Who‘s that other clown? They seem like a little much, don‘t you think?
Smoke: [laughs] I guess so! I don‘t like to talk bad about my friends, though. You know me! Ol‘ Chokey!
Briquette: Yeah. I know you well, Chokey.
Clint: [laughing]
Briquette: Saved my bacon from the grill many times. So uh, yeah, we‘re about to go on this life or death mission for the remote, and uhh, just wanted to know if there‘s any sort of uh, bad traps, or if there‘s gonna be bad weather, or uh, flat tire, or uhh, snake.
Audience: [laughs]
Chokey: Huh. Well, you know ol‘ Chokey. I don‘t like to pretend that I know much more than most folks do. But if I had to hazard a guess, I'd say… journey three days past the setting sun to the Canyon of Frisbees, and after that, you should make your way—you havin‘ a hard time there, Hoggins?
Briquette: Yeah. [trying not to laugh] Yeeep. Uh, been wrestlin‘ with some mustache lice.
Justin: [laughs loudly]
Audience: [laughing]
Chokey: I wouldn‘t know nothin‘ about that! Ol‘ Chokey don‘t have a mustache, he‘s just a piece of meat!
Briquette: Yeah. Sorry to interrupt you, Chokey, with my bad facial expressions.
Chokey: So, three days past the settin‘ sun to the Canyon of Frisbees.
Briquette: Canyon of Frisbees.
Chokey: After that, you should head past the Mirage of the Deadbeats, look out for hardass excursions, and then I'd say you come up on the end of the lumber lands real quick! But, if you don‘t want to get caught by them Craft Dad patrols, stop at the tower of the Science Dad! He‘ll be able to help you some!
Briquette: That was extremely detailed, Chokey.
Justin: [laughing] He realizes that we need to get things fuckin‘ movin‘.
Griffin: Yeah.
Audience: [laughs]
Briquette: Should I have written all that down, or um…
Chokey: Well, I'm sure I don't know. I don't know how to write none, since I ain't got hands.
Briquette: Yeah, you're meat. I know. Aw, Chokey, I'm gonna miss you. [chomps]
Justin: [laughs]
Clint: [laughs]
Justin: You've eaten Chokey. Fan favorite, Chokey.
Brennan: Chokey. Uh, you hear a chorus of voices of uh, Grill Dads that have assembled behind you to watch your oracular ritual, all chant in unison…
Grill Dads: Looks like that‘s about done.
Audience: [laughs]
Briquette: Yes.
Brennan: Is anyone else doing anything either spiritual or logistical or anything that‘s like that? Like, if you want to make a roll for assembling your snack pack, if anyone else wants to make any other—
Travis: Yeah, I'm gonna say that uh, Guy is um, attempting to perfectly pack the car so that all the weight is distributed evenly to like, conserve gas, and that everyone can sit comfortably in their own spot. Make sure we have enough, like, entertainment for the people in the back so I don‘t have to deal with ‗em. Y'know what I mean?
Brennan: Sure, absolutely.
Griffin: Some Dad Libs.
Travis: Some Dad Libs. Yes, Griffin. Yes.
Audience: [cheers]
Griffin: It‘s okay. It wasn‘t that good.
Brennan: Uh, uh, cool. This is only gonna be a difficulty one. Are you using law or chaos for this?
Travis: I feel like this is law. This is the structure…
Griffin: Discipline.
Travis: Of the packing. Yes. This is—okay.
Griffin: Alright, here we go. He wants a green chip.
Brennan: Wants a green chip.
Audience: [cheering]
Griffin: Oh no!
Justin: No! It‘s red! It‘s chaos!
Clint: So, the game‘s over for Travis.
Brennan: Uh, so, Travis, you're going to lose that red chip.
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: Travis is down to six chips now. We should‘ve told you that in advance, but we didn‘t.
Brennan: As you begin to pack the car, you see that a group of other Car Dads assembles around you, uh, and begins to watch you pack the trunk. And they don‘t say anything, but you hear a couple of them once or twice go, ―Uh, mm…‖
Justin: [laughs]
Brennan: ―Do you—hmm. Y'know, it—―
Travis: Oh, that hurts. Ohh…
Justin: It‘s painful.
Griffin: This is a greatest debasement that a Car Dad can perform on another one.
Brennan: [laughing] Um, uh, your trunk is packed, but zippers are facing down.
Justin: Ohh... brutal.
Brennan: As the sun sets, you must head out by the setting of the sun.
Travis: That‘s the kind of, like—that kind of like, y'know, Guy can feel their judgment and know that like, next time, he won't be allowed to change his own oil.
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Y'know what I mean? Like, he‘ll have to watch as another Car Dad changes his oil. Ohh.
Clint: Peer pressure.
Brennan: [laughing] Um… Excellent. For Red or Chip, are you guys making any preparations before you guys head out?
Justin: I want to get out there. Let‘s go.
Clint: Let‘s do it.
Justin: Let‘s go.
Brennan: So! You, as the sun sets, the dads gather around, all of them looking on in somber silence. You see that Daddy Djorn beholds you and says…
Daddy Djorn: These dads… are brothers.
Justin: Well…
Travis: Yeah, some.
Justin: I mean, some.
Briquette: It‘s confusing, honestly.
Daddy Djorn: Right. As in most things I say, I'm being, um… theatrical? [laughs] Drama Dad!
Clint: I didn‘t know that was an option. I would‘ve chosen that.
Travis: That‘s why we didn‘t tell you.
Clint: I know. Yeah.
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: Uh, he says…
Daddy Djorn: This may be the last time we see these four.
Chip: Oh man!
Audience: [laughs]
Daddy Djorn: Any dad now that wishes to share their feelings with these heroes before they depart may do so.
Brennan: Complete silence.
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: One dad, way in the back, goes… [clears throat] ―Well, y'know… uh… you better go—better go get ‗em good. Gotta go get them. Good luck out there.‖
Audience: [laughs]
Griffin: Briquette—Briquette bursts into tears.
Clint: [laughs]
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: And Guy‘s war car… vroom!!
Guy: Anybody need to go to the bathroom before we leave? ‗Cause once we get goin‘, we‘re not gonna stop!
Clint: Y'know, I'm starting to take a lot of these observation kind of personally, guys.
Audience: [laughs]
Justin: [laughs]
Clint: I mean, you're basing these on stories you‘ve heard about other dads, right?
Justin: Yeah, right. Exactly.
Griffin: Yeah, sure.
Clint: Oh, okay.
Briquette: I ain't had nothin‘ to eat but grilled meats for 26 years, so I'm pretty well plugged up down there.
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: Oh… oh, that‘s hateful. Um… The war car races from the conclave. The massive, glittering black of the screen stretching behind you, a lone landmark to a long forgotten age of dads. The sun glints on its plasma screen, as the curvature of the sofa mountains obscures it eventually from view. You drive on roadless wastelands as fast as you can towards the tower of the Science Dad.
Guy: How‘s the temperature for everybody?
Audience: [laughs]
Red: Are we there yet?
Chip: I could go a little bit cooler. Here‘s a fun fact…
Audience: [laughs]
Chip: Did you know, chewing gum is not sold anywhere in any of the Disney parks?
Audience: [laughing]
Chip: I thought that—I thought that was fun.
Guy: That—that‘s pretty interesting!
Chip: Yeah, I thought that was fascinating. They don‘t want gum in the par—in the—[mumbles]
Briquette: Did you know that also, the Disney parks don‘t like it when you bring your own open flame cooking methods?
Audience: [laughs]
Chip: Oh, that‘s fascinating. Thank you for sharing that.
Briquette: They frown on that just very, very much.
Chip: I'm gonna put that one in my binder.
Audience: [laughing]
Brennan: Uh, Justin, is that a true Disney fact? Is that a true Disneyland fact?
Griffin: Everything Justin says is—
Justin: Oh, you're gonna be gettin‘ a lot of true Disney facts.
Audience: [cheers]
Clint: This episode of The Adventure Zone underwritten by the Disney foundation!
Griffin: Yes. They own everything else.
Brennan: [laughs]
Audience: [laughs]
Clint: Including us.
Griffin: Yes.
Brennan: Um, the car takes off across the wasteland until, in the rising of the sun on the next day, you behold, stretching out in front of you, blocking your path, a vast canyon. The base of the canyon filled with Frisbees.
Guy: I told ‗em not to play so close to the edge! I told ‗em I wasn‘t gonna go get it if they lost it!
Briquette: Who is the—who are you talkin‘ about? [laughs] It‘s just something we say?
Guy: Yup! That‘s—that‘s the blessing we say when we approach the Frisbee Canyon!
Clint: Are there dogs in the post apocalypse?
Griffin: They would still be dads.
Clint: Dog dads.
Justin: There might be dogs, but they would be dad dogs.
Brennan: Can I just say? This—I am so happy to be running a game in this setting. It‘s so funny. We are a hair away from Eldritch horror at all times in this setting.
Justin: [laughs]
Brennan: Yeah, a bunch of dads with no kids. [laughing] Um, you hear the reverberations from the canyon wall over and over again, of the guttural noises of dads reacting to the Frisbees going over the edge. ―Dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang! Daaaag nabbit!‖
Justin: Prospector dads.
Griffin: Mm-hmm.
Audience: [laughing]
Brennan: Uh, but you see that your way is barred by the canyon.
Briquette: I mean, it‘s just a bunch of Frisbees, right? I know this ain't the sturdiest car in the world, but you could probably smash on through them, right?
Guy: Well, it‘s a canyon.
Briquette: I have confused the topographical feature.
Guy: Well, you're not a Geography Dad, so…
Briquette: Nope. I grill meat.
Audience: [laughing]
Briquette: I mean, we‘re gonna have to jump it, yes?
Justin: How far are we talkin‘?
Brennan: Uh—
Travis: Two feet. [laughs]
Brennan: I would say that, in keeping with the size and scale of the Dadlands, this is similar to a Grand Canyon-esque…
Justin: Jesus Christ.
Brennan: Similar to a Grand Canyon-esque setting. With variations. I mean, it stretches to either end of the horizon. There might be some areas that the sort of two lips of the canyon are closer. But it is several hundred feet drop to the ocean of like, every Frisbee in the world has ended up in this canyon.
Griffin: It‘s like quicksand, the Frisbee ocean is. You'll get pulled—it‘s like a corn silo.
Brennan: You see intrepid, like—in fact, the entire tribe, like, there‘s like, sports dads down there that were like, ―I can get it!‖ And their just like, boney hands are reaching up.
Audience: [laughs]
Travis: If we had to drive around the canyon, how many days would we lose?
Brennan: Uh, I'm gonna ask, uh… how many days would you lose? Uh, Guy considers the cost of gasoline…
Travis: Yeah, no. He would never.
Brennan: [laughs]
Chip: Y'know what I read? This is fun. Y'know what I read? I read that there are, uh, some secret tunnels that some of the staff use to get around through Frisbee Canyon. We can't—we can't normally see ‗em, ‗cause they're hidden, but the staff use ‗em to get around real quick like.
Brennan: That‘s a very fun dad fact. [laughs]
Audience: [laughs]
Chip: Well, I think the—
Justin: Okay. Hello? Justin? Are you there, Justin? Can I speak with Justin? Yes. Uh, I feel like the determine—I feel like the determining factor is, can we find them? Can we find these shortcuts that I have read about in the books?
Travis: ‗Cause we‘re not gonna ask for directions.
Justin: Oh, fuck no.
Audience: [cheers]
Red: Because… why did I get the TripTik if we‘re gonna ask directors?
Griffin: Yeah, one of the things on the TripTik says, ―Inquire with your Disney-obsessed vacation dad about the secret tunnels in space time that will get you through the canyon.‖
Clint: But it‘s stamped on there, ‗cause they don‘t use it all the time.
Griffin: Right, yeah.
Brennan: Um, uh… wonderful. This is an extremely fun dad fact. This feels like pulling a chaos token to me.
Justin: Yes, absolutely.
Audience: [cheers]
Griffin: What is the difficulty?
Brennan: I'm gonna say that the uh, dad fact being, obviously, extremely helpful, so I'm gonna say that we actually need two. We need to pull two chaos tokens here.
Justin: Okay. So just so you know, two chaos tokens, that‘s a win. Two law tokens is a failure. Uh, if I get a mixed success, then I still lose a token, but it succeeds, but I have to come up with some bullshit about why it worked.
Brennan: Yep. Absolutely.
Griffin: Here we go.
Justin: Let‘s go!
Audience: [cheers]
Griffin: Two reds, two reds, two reds. Come on. No whammies. That‘s a green.
Clint: Aww.
Brennan: Aww.
Griffin: That‘s one green. Not great. Oh Jesus, Justin. That‘s a red.
Audience: [cheers]
Griffin: That‘s a red.
Justin: I'm going to… uh, I will give away one of my chaos tokens.
Brennan: Very well. You have lost a chaos token.
Justin: [sighs] That hurts. [laughs]
Chip: Y'know what I'm rememberin‘? I had a friend who went through usin‘ these tunnels, and he told me that uh, it‘s behind the rest—oh look, the restrooms! Right over there!
Brennan: You see in the middle of all these like, boney hands and like, yawning skeletons, there is a pristine outdoor public restroom, perfectly preserved.
Chip: He‘s gone hardass, now. He got too serious with it. ‗Cause you gotta have fun. That‘s what—it‘s vacation, y'know what I mean? You're supposed to be enjoying yourself! Uh, he went hardass, but I heard tale that he said, uh, it‘s behind a fake toilet. And if you go behind this fake turlet, you're gonna get over there real quick.
Audience: [laughing]
Briquette: Can a car fit through this tunnel?
Chip: It‘s a really—
Guy: This car can!
Chip: It‘s a really big wall with a fake turlet in front of it, you understand.
Red: And it‘s an Elantra.
Chip: And it‘s an Elantra. We‘re golden.
Guy: Dependable. That‘s the thing about a Hyundai Elantra. Depend—listen, it‘s not as flashy.
Griffin: Dependable. Collapsible. It‘s an incredible car.
Audience: [laughs]
Guy: Listen. I have made some improvements on the car.
Travis: I'm turning into Magnus.
Guy: I've made some improvements on the car.
Clint: Who?
Guy: I put in these air fresheners, I put in this beaded seat cover, and I can collapse the car!
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: Uh, driving the car towards the bathroom, you indeed see, the ground yawns open, and a huge, tiled, secret tunnel that says, ―Welcome to Frisbee Canyon! Don‘t let your bones get turned into a mockery of the life you once led!‖
Audience: [laughs]
Clint: Wow, that is one specific sign.
Justin: Yeah, very specific. [laughing]
Brennan: And sure enough, with the cranking of gears and motor oil… [makes a crashing sound effect] Uh, you all get folded into a weird MC Escher, non-Euclidian…
Griffin: [laughs]
Guy: Dependable! A dependable Eu—[laughs]
Brennan: Uh, and you indeed drive through secret tunnels underneath Frisbee Canyon. You erupt, unfolding, on the other side.
Justin: Can you just say that I've solved your Frisbee Canyon puzzle? It‘s kind of a thing.
Griffin: It‘s a thing. They need—they need it.
Clint: It‘s an affirmation.
Justin: Yeah.
Brennan: Well, Justin…
Justin: Yeah, Brennan?
Brennan: [sighs] It seems you've solved my Frisbee Canyon puzzle.
Justin: Yes!!
Audience: [cheers]
Griffin: I am about to ascend into heaven. My work is done on this earth.
Justin: If you're listening to the podcast later, Griffin is leaping.
Brennan: [laughing] Um, you guys continue to drive through the desert. As you do, uh, you see a flickering mirage out in the desert sands, and you see that there is a—what looks like a young, hot dad out there.
Travis: Ooh!
Justin: Nice!
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: You see this dad‘s got tight jeans, and cool boots. These boots don‘t even look comfortable.
Travis: Whoaaa.
Justin: [laughing]
Griffin: Heresy!
Brennan: He‘s got a guitar. You see that he‘s got some like, records that are just out.
Travis: Oh no! It‘s a deadbeat!
Griffin: [laughs]
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: You see that uh, pure chaos energy emanates from the mirage. I will need, uh, all of you to make a pull in a second. But you see that the mirage looks out and says…
Mirage: Hey there, fellas. [laughs] No kids out here. Why don‘t we break out a bottle of Jack, and talk about… shows we saw when we were young?
Audience: [laughing]
Guy: Guy Ferrari would never drink and drive!!
Brennan: [laughs]
Audience: [cheers]
Briquette: I saw the Almond Brothers back in six—no!!
Brennan: Alright, so we‘re gonna do this a little bit differently. I'm gonna do kind of a house-ruled roll here, uh, which is, I'm gonna need everybody to attempt to pull a law token.
Griffin: Shit.
Justin: Shit.
Brennan: To resist this. Now, if anyone is feeling heroic, you can attempt to pull more than one law token to cover for one of your buddies.
Griffin: Coach…
Red: Yeah, I'll do it.
Briquette: Puttin‘ you in, coach.
Red: I'll step right up!
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: I'm gonna say—I'm actually gonna say that, if Red is able to pull two law tokens, Red can get the whole gang out of this situation.
Chip: Red, come on!
Guy: Come on.
Chip: Please!
Audience: [cheering]
Griffin: Jesus.
Chip: I'm lured in by his siren song!
Griffin: Please, please, please. Please.
Justin: His fanny pack‘s on his ass.
Griffin: You know that‘s not why they call it that, right?
Justin: That‘s not where it goes.
Clint: Oh!
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Okay.
Clint: Ah!
Audience: [cheers]
Justin: That‘s a chaos token.
Griffin: That‘s a chaos.
Justin: That‘s the chaos.
Clint: Oh! Okay.
Audience: [laughs]
Travis: Yeah, that‘s not good, ‗cause he only has one more chaos token in there.
Griffin: Uh oh.
Clint: Waaait a minute. So what if I do pull another chaos token?
Griffin: You've gone hardass.
Justin: No. No, he doesn‘t lose them.
Brennan: He doesn‘t lose them both.
Griffin: Oh right right, you only lose one. Okay. But a mixed success here would be pretty choice.
Justin: Law!
Clint: Heyyy!
Griffin: That‘s the green. That‘s green.
Audience: [cheers]
Clint: Alright.
Travis: Now, I would recommend you lose that green one.
Griffin: Yeah, or else you're boned.
Justin: But like, on a gre—does he have to lose one on a group pull?
Griffin: We‘re making this up as we go.
Justin: This is your house rule.
Brennan: I think it‘s my house rule. I think I'll let him not lose one, but then you all have to do it. So in other words, Clint can choose to burn one of his tokens to save all of you right now.
Red: Hell yeah!
Audience: [cheers]
Travis: Red is a team player.
Red: That‘s right boys, because team sports builds character!
Audience: [cheers]
Red: So, what the hell—what—
Travis: Yeah, I would burn the green one, ‗cause you have a lot of other law ones, but you've only got two red ones.
Griffin: Don‘t metagame. Burn what feels right.
Red: Here you go, kid.
Brennan: [yelps in surprise]
Clint: That was a coin toss, by the way. Sports reference!
Griffin: Yes.
Audience: [cheers]
Travis: You know.
Brennan: I would just like to point out that I've never been more stressed than having to catch a thrown object in my life. My—my step-father and father in real life are a standup comedian and a former interpretive dancer. So you can—you can imagine that a lot of this, I'm just using from cultural osmosis.
Griffin: Yeah, sure.
Brennan: Uh, you see that the mirage says…
Mirage: Come on, Red. You know you want to have a little nip of the bottle. Maybe we could stay up ‗til… 12:30AM?
Justin: [laughs]
Briquette: You'll die!!
Travis: [laughs]
Guy: But I'm already tired now!!
Red: And miss Sports Center? Hell no, boy! Drop and give me 20!
Brennan: Red‘s barked command, the mirage shudders. ―Ahh!‖ Slapped to the ground! And the deadbeat dad does one pushup, and explodes into light.
Audience: [cheers]
Red: Well, put that one in the W column.
Brennan: With that, you leave the desert of mirage. You are now entering Hardass Country.
Audience: [laughing]
Brennan: On the horizon, soaring above the line of mountains and hills and scrubland, a glass tower full of chalkboards, beakers, and textbooks – the dwelling place of the lone and only Science Dad, where you have come to find the hidden path into the lumber lands, home of the Craft Dads. You have arrived at your destination to seek the knowledge that you need to complete your quest.
Travis: Guy finds really good parking.
Brennan: [laughs]
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: I'm gonna say—Guy, you pull up… it is hundreds of miles of open expanse, and you still parallel park.
Travis: Yes.
Justin: [laughs]
Clint: And not in any space that‘s close enough to where you want to go.
Travis: But Guy‘s worried there won't be a better one closer.
Griffin: Later, yeah.
Travis: There was an open one there, and I'm taking it. We can walk.
Brennan: As you exit the car and approach the tower of the Science Dad, a reedy, bespectacled figure wearing a dirty lab coat and no shirt, just like, fractals and math runes carved into his chest.
Griffin: Shit.
Brennan: With only one glass lens, and then an empty lens in his spectacles, is the Science Dad.
Science Dad: Ah… Dads. Welcome to my tower. I've been expecting you.
Brennan: And that‘s where we‘ll take our break.
Griffin: We‘ll be right back after intermission!
Travis: Thank you!
Audience: [cheers]
[theme music plays]
Griffin: Hey, everybody, it‘s Griffin. Uh, your grandpa, I guess? I don't know. Travis started doing this. I've lost my touch, y'know? I don't know how to open these ad segments anymore. In one month, I'm all out of practice. But I'm gonna tell you about our sponsors this week, and boy, I hope you're enjoying Dadlands. In case you're missing some context here, this is a roleplaying game that we made up ourselves during the most recent MaxFunCon, and Brennan was kind enough to come and run it for us.
Brennan runs Dimension 20 over at College Humor. He‘s incredibly talented, best in the biz. Uh, we got to do a little miniseries with him called Tiny Heist that‘s gonna come out next year. We‘re really excited for that. You can find a trailer for it online, but uh, we had a lot of fun, and I know it‘s weird, and uh, yeah.
We got some sponsors this week. By the way, hopefully, we should be back with a new episode of TAZ: Graduation next week, on the 5th. But for now, I want to tell you about Quip.
Quip‘s got the toothbrushes that you crave. It‘s an electric toothbrush that uh, no matter what brand you use, if you're using good brushin‘ habits, you're doing a good job, and Quip is all about establishing these good brushin‘ habits. That means brushing for two minutes, twice a day, flossing regularly, and Quip makes it really easy, because they have these sensitive sonic vibrations, these Quips, with a built-in timer and 30 second pulses to guide a full and an even clean.
They also got Quips—uh, Quip‘s got a kid brush now. It‘s just like the adult version, but sized down for smaller mouths. Plus, they deliver fresh brush heads, floss, and toothpaste refills every three months with free shipping. So, go to GetQuip.com/Adventure right now for your first refill for free. That‘s GetQuip.com/Adventure. Quip: The good habits company.
Also want to tell you about Stitch Fix. Stitch Fix is gonna send you a box. Gonna open up the box. It‘s gonna have fashion inside of it. Fashion is gonna come just spraying out in every direction. It‘s an online personal styling service that finds and delivers clothes, shoes, and accessories to fit your body budget and lifestyle. You just go to StitchFix.com/TAZ. You're gonna tell them your sizes, what kind of styles you like, how much you want to spend on each item, and then your personal stylist is gonna handpick some items for you, and they're gonna crush it.
My most recent box? It was gorgeous. I'm wearing some pants from that box right now that make my keister look like a hundred bucks. So uh, right now, you can try ‗em on, you pay for what you love, and you return the rest. Shipping, exchanges, and returns are always free. There‘s no subscription required, so don‘t sweat that.
You can get started right now at StitchFix.com/TAZ, and you're gonna get an extra 25% off when you keep all the items in your box. That‘s StitchFix.com/TAZ to get started today. StitchFix.com/TAZ.
Thank you so much for listening. Again, hope you enjoy the episode. Hope you're enjoying Graduation. We‘re having a hell of a time playing it. Uh, and we‘ll be back with a new episode on the fifth. I guess, real quick, you can preorder Adventure Zone, uh, book three. That is Petals to the Metal right now. Go to TheAdventureZoneComic.com and check it out.
Uh, we just read a nearly final version of it, and I'm over the moon. I cannot wait for people to get this book in their hot little hands. And yeah, I think that‘s it! So, enjoy the rest of the episode, and uh, we‘ll be back hopefully next week on the fifth with a new episode of Graduation. So, see you then. Bye.
[music plays]
Speaker 1: This week on Bullseye, Lin Manuel Miranda on His Dark Materials, hip hop, and life after Hamilton.
Lin: I know it‘s the first line of my obituary. So if that line is handled, then what else can I do with my time here?
Speaker 1: It‘s Bullseye. For MaximumFun.org and NPR.
Brennan: Before you…
Audience: [laughs]
Travis: Tell me more about this sexy Science Dad.
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: This dude, in my head, the Science Dad, looks a lot like the uh, the Other Father from Coraline. Y'know what I mean? Like—
Travis: Yeah.
Audience: [cheers]
Travis: I already said sexy Science Dad. Everyone knows what I meant.
Brennan: Um, you see that he looks at you and says…
Science Dad: Please… enter my tower of science.
Audience: [cheers]
Chip: Yeah! I'm happy to, yeah! Let‘s go!
Science Dad: Fellow dads, my name is Professor Pater Poppins.
Briquette: Mm-hmm.
Chip: Alright.
Briquette: That‘s a name.
Audience: [laughs]
Red: You had a punch of penguins, didn‘t ya?
Briquette: That was a good joke. I liked it.
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: You see, uh, he gestures to a wing of beakers, suspended with like, half-formed penguin abominations.
Travis: All dads. Important to note.
Brennan: Yeah.
Travis: All dad penguin abominations.
Brennan: Little mustaches on their beaks. Um…
Audience: [laughing]
Brennan: You see professor Pater looks over at you and says…
Pater: I… take it you have come here in search of the remote. Am I much mistaken in my calculations?
Guy: No, that‘s correct. We‘re looking for the remote. Supposedly, the Craft Dads have it. We drove through some secret time space tunnels to get here. And I think that catches us up to present.
Red: Just in case you came in during intermission.
Pater: Splendid. Well, we find ourselves here in Hardass Country.
Travis: [snorts and laughs]
Justin: That‘s the name of my first country rock album, by the way.
Griffin: Mm-hmm.
Audience: [cheers]
Justin: Hardass Country.
Brennan: Big ol‘ stadium country. Um, you see that uh, Pater goes over and pulls a giant lever and types something in on an ancient stone keyboard. Um…
Griffin: Wait, why? [laughs] Why couldn‘t it be a regular keyboard?
Travis: Why is it more ancient than the last version of keyboard that was created?
Pater: Oh. Are you asking why I have a stone keyboard, rather than just using a plastic keyboard?
Briquette: It‘s weird, man.
Pater: [laughs] Gentlemen…
Travis: One! One keyboard!
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: Uh, you see that Pater, serving you, says…
Pater: I don‘t have time to go into the details—
Briquette: You don‘t have a fuckin‘ answer for your rock keyboard made of rocks!
Guy: You can just say that. That‘s fine. If you say like, ―I don't know why I use it, either.‖
Pater: Do you know what the melting temperature of plastic is?
Guy: Do you?
Audience: [cheers]
Travis: [laughs]
Clint: He does have a laptop in front of him.
Travis: Searching…
Pater: Ahem. This particular plastic‘s melting point is 170 degrees Celsius, or 338 degrees Fahrenheit. It routinely gets hotter than that in this room.
Guy: What?!
Briquette: We gotta get the fuck out of here.
Guy: You need to move! Well, you are in just a giant glass tower. It probably gets pretty warm.
Pater: Oh, sure. When the sun gets up there, I have got to hide.
Guy: Like a lizard? Is that—
Briquette: Hey, friend? This is a bad house. [laughs]
Audience: [laughs]
Guy: And don‘t throw any stones.
Briquette: Yeah. Don‘t throw your fuckin‘ keyboard anywhere. Be the end of all of us.
Justin: I would like to leave this tower before the show ends.
Brennan: [laughs] Uh, you see that uh, the professor looks at you and says…
Pater: I did not welcome you into my home to have it belittled or mocked based on its composition of materials, nor the temperatures that some rooms get or don‘t get at which and what times.
Clint: Yeah, there‘s Zillow for that.
Travis: Solid.
Audience: [laughing]
Pater: Tell me… your plan. You've come here to… what, make war on the Craft Dads in their tower of lumber and various power tools?
Red: Yes.
Brennan: Just a straight yes. Just a 100% across the board yes.
Red: We‘re here to kick dad ass and take dad names.
Audience: [cheers]
Red: Which I know is a little aggressive, but I'm leanin‘ into the character.
Guy: Red Green.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Fuckin‘ Travis made a worse reference than Dad, everybody. Write it down.
Audience: [cheers]
Briquette: I mean, there is only just the four of us. And I'm assumin‘ the Craft Dad army is… bigger.
Red: Six or seven.
Briquette: Yeah, six or twelve.
Guy: Yeah, I was kind of hopin‘ we‘d drive in, get the remote, and then leave, like, before they noticed us.
Briquette: Yeah, we‘re pretty inconspicuous.
Red: Not in this shirt.
Guy: We could drive in, diner, and dive our way out.
Briquette: Yeah.
Audience: [cheers]
Clint: Oh, don‘t cheer. He‘s got it written right here.
Griffin: He does not.
Pater: It seems, for the time being, we may be working at the same purpose. Perhaps I could be of some help.
Chip: Yeah, that‘d be great if you've got any tips or anything. We always welcome that, for sure.
Briquette: Ray guns or something. Lasers.
Chip: Yeah, if you have any laser swords.
Briquette: Laser beam. Laser light saber lord—Sword. Something.
Pater: Yes, my house naturally produces lasers.
Guy: You have to move!!
Briquette: This house is not good for you, friend.
Chip: Get out.
Pater: Speaking of which, we have absolutely got to go. Everybody up! Everybody up!
Guy: Oh, oh, okay!
Briquette: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!!
Brennan: [laser sound effects]
Guy: Oh no, your Hummel figurines!
Pater: Nooo! [sighs] I should never have put the Hummel figurines in the laser room…
Audience: [laughs]
Pater: Alright. Um, very well. Uh, I would be more than happy to help you. Um… I can tell you the exact location of the remote within Sawburg. I have measured and calculated. I have a number of low-orbit satellites, and I have been able to triangulate—
Briquette: They made of stone too, or…
Audience: [laughs]
Clint: Griffin, he is our guest!
Pater: You are my guest!
Clint: Oh yeah.
Audience: [cheering]
Pater: And no, Grill Dad, they are not made of stone. They're birds with disposable cameras tied to them.
Audience: [laughs and cheers]
Clint: [laughs] And there goes the mustache!
Pater: I'm working with what I've got too, alright?!
Chip: Alright. Hey, listen, we‘re kind of pressed for time. Just give us the location and we‘ll be on our way, partner.
Pater: Very well. Come with me to the bird room. I will show you what I've collected.
Travis: And we‘re there!
Brennan: You come to the bird room. You see there‘s a small stack of photographs over behind a little metal encasing, and you just see ash and burnt feathers everywhere, and he goes…
Pater: Nooo!! My satellites!! Ohh…
Briquette: How is this the first time this has happened?
Pater: The mathematics of which rooms do what when is sooo complicated. I ran out of chalkboard space, hence… the chest runes.
Briquette: Of course. The logical next place for—
Guy: Wait. You carved into your own chest to figure out when your birds would die?
Briquette: I'll say this, though – smells incredible in here.
Justin: [laughing]
Audience: [laughing]
Brennan: Um… he collects the photographs and says…
Pater: Here. This is the secret path into Sawburg.
Guy: Cool!
Pater: If you go now, you'll be able to—
Travis: Finish before the show ends!
Pater: Yes, that. You'll be able to do—you'll be able to get it without the Craft Dads noticing. Remember – at dawn and dusk is when the Craft Dads are at their most industrious.
Audience: [laughs]
Pater: The sound of their power tools shall obscure the engine of your car. Be quick. Let the sawdust kick up and disguise your approach.
Guy: Okay!
Briquette: I know we‘re in a hurry, but how did the birds take the pictures?
Audience: [laughs]
Travis: [laughing]
Clint: Brennan, to give you a little context, this is what we do to Griffin every episode.
Griffin: It‘s so good. I get it now. I fucking get it.
Justin: Yeah, Griffin is letting his—
Clint: Isn't it rich? Isn't it rich?
Travis: It feels good, right?
Griffin: It feels real good.
Audience: [laughing]
Travis: Bullying is so fun! No it‘s not.
Guy: Hey, it‘s me, Guy Ferrari! Don‘t bully!
Griffin: [laughing] Okay. Yeah.
Audience: [cheers]
Clint: [sings] The mooore you knooow…
Brennan: You see, he says…
Pater: To answer your question, there is no way to be sure that the birds will take the pictures at the right time. My path of least resistance approach to this dilemma was just to make so many damn birds. If you release a couple thousand… some, y'know… some will, A, come back.
Briquette: If you get an infinite number of birds taking an infinite number of pictures, eventually, one‘s gonna right handle it. Yeah.
Pater: Some‘s gonna get a picture of the remote. Yeah, exactly.
Brennan: Um, you guys have your picture on your way into Sawburg as you guys return to your parked car.
Guy: Where did we park?
Travis: And he just starts hitting the remote button, listening for the beep.
Brennan: One car in the vast, yellow waste… boop boop! Boop boop! Uh, you guys piled in the car.
Travis: Who‘s got shotgun? Do we need to rotate so no one gets mad?
Brennan: [laughs] Um, uh…
Griffin: No. [laughs]
Travis: Okay.
Clint: Apparently not.
Brennan: As you all approach, you guys hear the noise of drills and tools. And you see a massive fortress in the heart of the lumber lands, petrified forest around you as far as the eye can see. The gaunt towers of dead trees, waiting to be harvested by the Craft Dads. Sawdust and wood all around. You hear the droning chant of the miserable Craft Dads… ―Measure twice. Cut once. Measure twice. Cut once.‖
Audience: [laughing and cheering]
Brennan: Uh, you guys know the secret way. Are there any—who‘s taking the charge? What are you doing to like, hide yourself? Retrieve the remote? What are you trying to do?
Justin: Well, let me sort of get things going. I'll kick things off.
Chip: Y'know, speaking of measuring, here‘s a fun fact!
Briquette: Aw Jesus.
Chip: Do you know, most of Main Street in Disney World and Disneyland is constructed at a 3/4th scale, to give a little bit more of a sense of grandeur? Did you know that? I just thought it was fun.
Briquette: Of course we did not know that.
Chip: Well, I just thought that was fun. Anyway, that‘s my contribution!
Briquette: Cool.
Travis: Uh, to help distract, Guy Ferrari reaches into the glove compartment and pulls out a pine air freshener and hangs it on the rearview mirror to help disguise the car.
Griffin: Mmm.
Travis: ‗Cause now it smells more like wood.
Audience: [cheers]
Griffin: That‘s very good. I'd like to suggest that uh, the engine‘s not on, and I'm using all of my beef strength to push the car from behind.
Brennan: Uh, incredible. I would love a pull from Travis for disguising the car. Um, I'm gonna say that using an air freshener to disguise a car is definitely gonna be two. Are you using law or chaos?
Travis: I feel like that‘s a chaos move.
Griffin: Yeah.
Brennan: Yeah, that‘s a chaos move for sure. So we want two red.
Clint: Oh, so in act two, we‘re not standing?
Justin: That‘s a law.
Brennan: That‘s a law.
Griffin: That‘s a green.
Clint: That‘s a law, it‘s a green.
Griffin: Oh, god, Travis. Please.
Justin: Please pull one chaos. Chaos!
Clint: Chaos!
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: Um, you see the Craft Dads, their various welding masks and visors giving them limited tunnel vision, have overdeveloped noses over the years to develop a mostly scent-based lifestyle as they mutter and wander around. And you see, they go…
Craft Dad: [sniffs] Mmm… fresh pine. Completely normal.
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: Uh, propelling the car forward, I'd love a beef roll.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: One beef roll.
Travis: One beef roll, comin‘ up.
Brennan: Gimme a beef pull.
Griffin: Yeah. Is that—what color chip is beef?
Clint: If it‘s rare, it‘s red.
Brennan: I'm gonna say—I'm gonna say that—I'll leave it up to you. Is your character pulling on the powers of law or chaos here?
Griffin: Oh man. Uh, it‘s such a wild idea, I think. Cars are not meant to be—I think it‘s—I think it would be chaos.
Brennan: It‘s chaos.
Griffin: Yeah.
Brennan: Alright. Uh, so I'm gonna need two. I'm gonna need two tokens.
Griffin: Shit.
Audience: [cheers]
Clint: Really dig in there.
Justin: Chaos!
Travis: That‘s one chaos!
Justin: One more chaos, baby! Come on!
Clint: Come on, Ditto…
Travis: Oh…
Justin: Chaos!!
Travis: Yes!!
Audience: [cheers]
Justin: Chaos rules!!
Clint: Two chaos tokens pulled!!
Travis: That‘s two chaos. Beef, beef, beef, beef!
Justin: Give the man his money.
Griffin: I've just got a steak. And I—I have my grill with me. We‘ve been towing it the whole time. And I just throw that shit on for like, three seconds, and then just… [eating sounds] And then I go beef crazy.
Audience: [laughing]
Brennan: Um, a perfect stealth car being rocketed forward on pure beef strength!
Justin: [laughing]
Griffin: My mustache grows two sizes! I'm horny as hell!
Audience: [cheering]
Justin: [laughing]
Brennan: Um… you push your car, and rising above you, a insane, tortured tower of carpentried tree houses, decks, patios, birdhouses… it is a towering colossus of varnished wood, sticking out like a raised middle finger into the face of God.
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: And the car pushes into the darkness of Sawburg. With that two chaos pulls, your car does not stop, and you begin to hear the calls ahead of you of Craft Dads leaping out of the way. ―Fresh wood, fresh wood! Make way for fresh wood!‖ You arrive in a—
Audience: [laughing]
Travis: No, it‘s just nice! It‘s—I just like the fresh wood. It just made me happy that it worked.
Brennan: [laughs] Um, uh, you arrive in a room where a single spotlight, bwoom, illuminates a really lovely, like, turned resin piece of wood carving. Like, you can tell a lot—this is like, a nice walnut or something. Like, a really nice carving wood. It‘s actually kind of interesting to look at it. I mean, it‘s just really well made. It‘s quite beautiful, actually.
Travis: Let‘s spend some time looking at it.
Griffin: Yeah.
Brennan: And on top of which, you see… glistening with the same black plastic… the remote.
Audience: [cheers]
Griffin: I kneel.
Justin: Yeah, I can't look at it directly.
Travis: God begins to weep. Yes.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Chip Huggins takes a lot of pictures.
Brennan: [laughs]
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: Um, I'm gonna need you to make a pull. You won't lose a token on this one, but I need you to make a pull for taking those pictures, and if it‘s a chaos token, something‘s gonna happen.
Justin: Okay, great.
Griffin: Something good?
Travis: [laughs] But Chip Huggins is all chaos.
Justin: Chip Hugginsby.
Travis: Thank you. Chip Hugginsby. Not Chip Huggins A.
Clint: Chip Huggins be chaos?
Travis: Chip Huggins A is dead. Law!
Clint: Law!
Audience: [cheers]
Travis: That‘s a law token.
Brennan: Incredible. You… go to take your picture, and you snap. And right before you're about to set the flash, you hear something, and instead, just actually set the light balance on your own camera manually as you've learned how to do.
Justin: That‘s right. I get that ISO so right.
Brennan: [laughs]
Justin: Mmm, open up that aperture nice and slow.
Brennan: [laughing] As a result of not using the camera‘s built in flash…
Justin: Ohh, who needs it when you've got an F stop?
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: The lumbering guardian of the room is not alerted to your presence.
Audience: [cheers]
Briquette: I mean, you didn‘t fuck up a completely unnecessary action. [laughing]
Brennan: Um, the guardian wanders out. Tied and bolted and welded to the bones of this dad‘s arms are saws and hammers and drills, and you can see a pair of pure steel safety visors have been nailed into this dad‘s skulls. This dad stands 12 feet tall.
Travis: Uh, Guy reaches into Chip‘s backpack and shoots the guard.
Griffin: [laughs]
Brennan: Uh, give me a roll. Uh, I'm gonna say… okay, here‘s how we‘re gonna do this. I'm just ad hocking the hell out of this game.
Griffin: Yeah, please.
Brennan: Um, this definitely feels like a chaos move to me.
Travis: Yeah.
Brennan: Yeah.
Travis: I would say uh, pulling a gun and shooting the 12 foot wood saw man is probably pretty chaotic.
Brennan: I'm gonna let you pull as many tokens as you want.
Griffin: Oh shit.
Brennan: If you pull any law tokens, you immediately lose them. If you pull, uh… and the success of this attack will be determined by how many chaos tokens you are able to pull.
Griffin: So you can call it at any time?
Brennan: You can call it any time.
Griffin: Let‘s do it. Oh god, this is good.
Justin: We want to see chaos! Show me chaos!
Audience: [cheers]
Griffin: Chaos, chaos, chaos. Oh my god, it‘s law!
Justin: Law!
Travis: I am having the worst pulls.
Justin: How many more law tokens do you have?
Griffin: You just have to make sure you haven‘t gone…
Travis: Yeah, no, I have two and two.
Griffin: Oh jeeze. Okay.
Justin: Okay. Oh my gosh.
Brennan: Alright, here we go.
Justin: Alright.
Travis: Yeah, I can keep going.
Brennan: You can keep going, or you can stop it there.
Griffin: Really?
Brennan: Yep.
Justin: Law.
Brennan: Law.
Justin: Oh my god.
Travis: Now I have one—I only have three tokens left.
Justin: Yeah. Now, listen, if you pull a law token, you go full Deadbeat.
Griffin: Don‘t. Please, god, don‘t.
Justin: Those are the rules. Please don‘t turn deadbeat, Travis.
Travis: I mean, there‘s only nine minutes left.
Audience: [cheering]
Audience Member: Do it!!
Griffin: Let‘s see it.
Brennan: Chaos!!
Griffin: Chaos!!
Audience: [cheers]
Brennan: Um, you whip the gun out! Blam! You catch this carpenter dad across their shoulder!
Carpenter Dad: [monstrous roar] No horsin‘ around in the shop!!
Audience: [laughs and cheers]
Brennan: Uh, I'm gonna need actions from the other three dads.
Clint: Okay, Red… Red looks over at him and says, uh…
Red: Hey… want to have a catch, buddy?
Griffin: Oh shit.
Justin: Then what does he do?
Audience: [laughs]
Justin: You can't just say some shit. You gotta do something. Come on.
Clint: And then he‘s gonna see if he wants to have a catch!
Travis: So that was a literal—so, a 12 foot wood saw bionic man…
Brennan: I'm gonna make a pull.
Griffin: Okay.
Brennan: Because all dads are governed by the rules of law and chaos, this carpenter dad, the monstrous, is not immune to this. If this dad pulls a red chaos token… this dad‘s down for a catch.
Griffin: Oh shit.
Travis: He‘s DTC.
Griffin: Real quick, that‘s a—
Travis: Just, everyone watching…
Griffin: That‘s a handsome fanny pack, Brennan. Where did you get it?
Brennan: I got this downstairs!
Travis: ‗Cause it‘s—it‘s from McElroyMerch.com, as of August 1st. That is an Adventure Zone fanny pack!
Griffin: It‘s so good.
Audience: [cheers]
Justin: This is not a merch spotlight. Come on.
Clint: Alright, are you ready? Are you ready for the pull? Here we go. [blows whistle]
Griffin: Oh, god.
Audience: [laughs]
Griffin: Get rid of it.
Audience: [cheering]
Brennan: Chaos means it‘s time for a catch!
Justin: Chaos means it‘s time for a catch.
Audience: [cheers]
Griffin: Yes. That‘s a success.
Justin: Chaos! It‘s time for a catch!
Travis: Uh, while the guard is distracted…
Griffin: The ball is destroyed as it touches its buzz saw hands.
Audience: [laughs]
Brennan: Uh, uh…
Chip: Wait, I can get it! Give me a chance! While they're playing catch. There‘s one thing I'm good at… it‘s long jumpin‘! [growing more high pitched] I'll leap right up there and grab the remote, we can all go home!
Briquette: I did not catch that, bud.
Guy: No, it kind of sounded like all the air was escaping.
Chip: I said, um… [growing more high pitched] I'll grab the remote and we can all go home!
Clint: Every dog in the neighborhood went, ―Huh?‖
Justin: Hey, fuck you, whistle lord! Come on!
Audience: [laughing]
Griffin: God. Okay.
Justin: There‘s a fourth whistle. There‘s a fourth whistle. Fuck, this is a rowdy show. Okay. Yeah, I want to leap up there and grab the remote while they're playing catch.
Brennan: Uh, fantastic. Um, go ahead and pull… I'm gonna say chaos token probably, right? Yeah, absolutely. Uh, and I'll say… yeah, we just need one.
Justin: Chaos!
Audience: [cheers]
Clint: Yeah!
Brennan: Uh, blasted by the shotgun, you see that, distracted, the carpenter dad looks at it and goes…
Carpenter Dad: [monstrous sounds; slurred] I'll go long… huurgh…
Travis: What? [laughs]
Brennan: Runs…
Carpenter Dad: [slurred] I'll go looong!
Red: [imitating slurred speech] I'll throw it to youuu!
Brennan: Uh, as the guardian disappears into the darkness after the ball, uh, you see that Chip rushes up, leaps to the top of the podium, grabs the remote. You have retrieved the treasure of the Dadlands.
Audience: [cheers]
Guy: Listen, if we don‘t hit the road soon, we‘re not gonna get there before dark!
Briquette: Yeah. Also, this whole time, I've been very setting this tower on fire.
Audience: [laughs]
Briquette: Tiger can't change his stripes, man.
Brennan: Um, okay. I'm gonna do the same thing we did for Travis. You can pull as many chaos tokens as you want to see how much it‘s set on fire.
Audience: [cheers]
Justin: Chaos!
Brennan: One.
Audience: [cheers]
Travis: [laughs]
Griffin: Chaos!!
Justin: That‘s on fire enough. That‘s on fire enough.
Travis: Come on. Yeahhh.
Clint: Aw, come on!
Audience: [cheering]
Clint: Chaos! Chaos! Chaos!
Justin: Chaos!!
Griffin: Chaos!!
Justin: That‘s three chaos!!
Travis: That‘s three! That‘s three! Three chaos tokens in a row!! That is three!!
Audience: [cheering wildly]
Travis: Folks at home, that is three chaos tokens!
Justin: Three chaos!
Briquette: Now you're all ribs!!
Travis: [laughing]
Audience: [still cheering]
Justin: Three chaos.
Clint: And we all die.
Briquette: What a way to go, though.
Justin: Now I have become ribs.
Travis: Destroyer of worlds.
Clint: [laughing]
Brennan: The remote, resting comfortably in a place of honor on the captain‘s seat, AKA, the middle back seat… of the car. All of your faces glow with raging orange light, reflected from the rearview mirror of the car, as every last measured inch of Sawburg roars in hellish flame.
Audience: [cheers]
Griffin: [laughing]
Travis: I feel bad now.
Griffin: Yeah. Me in the backseat, I go…
Briquette: Wha—what just happened?!
Justin: [laughs]
Briquette: Did I go back… to the dark place?
Justin: [laughing]
Brennan: Um, uh… as you look and see on the horizon, the tower of the Science Dad, and beyond that, far past the mountains and the canyon, the tiniest glint on the horizon of a screen that may now come to life. You see, rising up over the ashes of Sawburg, a curling plume of smoke, and you see, Chokey looks out at you.
Briquette: [gasps]
Chokey: Well, hey there, Hoggins! Thanks for releasing me unto the world!
Audience: [laughs]
Briquette: Well… damn it, Chokey, I keep my promises.
Travis: Uh, and I would say that the last thing with the remote… uh, Guy turns on the plasma screen and sets it to the one show every dad can agree on – Mythbusters.
Griffin: Yeah. [laughs]
Audience: [cheers]
Travis: Yup.
Justin: Yeah.
Travis: Yup.
Justin: Yup.
Clint: Yup.
Brennan: With one colossal, exhilarating rush, the dads spread across the sofa mountains. The screen… whoom! Pshew! Pshew! Woooo! OLED! Roars to life. Mythbusters… whoooaaah.
Travis: Oh, it‘s a marathon! Yeah, alright!
Brennan: And in unison, all the remaining dads of the dad tribes grunt and sit down.
Audience: [laughs]
Clint: And undo their pants.
Justin: Yeah. Just to make it official.
Griffin: Wait, what?
Travis: That‘s not a thing!
Justin: No, just the top button.
Clint: Just the top button!
Travis: It‘s just the top button.
Clint: When you're older, you'll know it‘s a dad thing.
Griffin: Then I'll start masturbating to Mythbusters?!
Justin: [laughs]
Griffin: I don‘t want to get older!
Travis: I'm about to bust!
Brennan: Uh, and that, sadly, is the note we‘ll have to end on. [laughing]
Justin: Goodnight, everybody! Thank you so much!
Griffin: Thank you so much!
Audience: [cheering]
[theme music plays]
MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.
Jesse: Hey, it‘s Jesse Thorn. We‘re very happy to announce that tickets for MaxFunCon 2020 will go on sale Friday, November 29th, at 11:00AM Pacific. I also want to let you know, this coming year, MaxFunCon 2020 will be our last MaxFunCon for the foreseeable future. For 2020 and beyond, we‘re gonna be looking for ways to connect with more of you in person and spread the spirit of Max Fun farther than it‘s ever gone before.
In the meantime, if you want to join us at the last MaxFunCon in Lake Arrowhead, June 12th through the 14th, you can find details at MaxFunCon.com.