was at a state university in southern California, talking four-foot-tall shower, all so he could afford to help open to a literature professor. Since I didn’t want to be up the zine store/art space Needles and Pens; and to hear IIbogged down in small talk, I figured I could talk about Joe say again and again how these little reading tours were books with her. I asked her, “What’s the last thing you our way of recreating the old ‘80s punk rock tours by read that got you really excited?” getting in the van and bringing underground books to “Oh, I don’t read for pleasure,” she said. “When I get people who have an appetite for them. home, I just watch TV.” The icing on the cake came in Seattle, when Joe and I Because I’m a writer, this comment really stung. If were hanging out in front of Confounded Books and this even literature professors don’t read, then who does? guy came up to us and said, “I’m so excited you guys are Books and zines mean the world to me, and for a minute, I here. This is like my Wrestlemania!” Any bad feelings I wondered if I was the only person left who felt this way. may have had or any remnants of the mundane tour week earlier, I’d been on a reading tour with three malaise were wiped away with that one little comment. of my favorite living writers: Mike Faloon, Joe For the rest of the tour, whenever people would ask us AAMeno, and Razorcake’s own Todd Taylor. Joe was how it was going, we’d say, “Fucking great! This guy in out doing readings to promote his new book, Hairstyles of Seattle said we were like his Wrestlemania!” the Damned. Todd was out supporting his new book, Born I should probably add that there were only two more to Rock. Mike was out to bring the glory that is Go Metric! days on the tour after Seattle. Between Joe and me, we to the west coast. And me, I was out doing readings mostly told the story another dozen times in those two days. so that I could hang out more with Mike, Todd, and Joe. hen the tour ended, and I got back to work, which is Also, I was excited to have the chance to share a stage—or what led me to talking to that literature professor really just some floor space in the front of bookstores— TTwho doesn’t read and who made me suddenly feel with them and to watch them read every night. like I’m the only one in the world who cares about all this It was great to be able to spend days listening to stuff. But then I remembered the Wrestlemania guy in music and talking about books with guys who share Seattle, and all the people I met and/or hung out with on similar passions; to go to places like Portland’s zine tour. And, of course, I thought about the thousands of mecca, Reading Frenzy; to help Confounded celebrate people who read each issue of this zine. All I could think their tenth anniversary; to listen to Andrew in San was, I love this little underground. Francisco tell stories of sleeping with rats and bathing in a –Sean

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Cover designed by Doug Barker; [email protected] • Cover photos by Todd Taylor Contact Razorcake: Sean

Thank you list: I guess I shoulda gotten your permission first thanks to Toby and Nothing says class like champagne, Carla for appearing on this here page; stand clear of 50-year-old women on watermelon, and a kiddie pool. esctacy, grinding her “vortex” on kids at a show thanks to Julia Smut for her expert computer eyeballs help with the cover. As an added bonus, she also did the TV Carnage layout; Yoda Pez!—Man, I’m going to have some bloody sex tonight! thanks to Chris Larson’s illustration in Ayn’s column; Artist’s rendition of Norb’s buttocks thanks to Terry Rentzepis for his illustrations in said column; He-yah! Karate chop to the neck thanks to Kiyoshi Nakazawa for his cartoon in Sean’s column; Touch the Stylophone gently and it will purr for you thanks to Randy Iwata for all the digital wrangling in Nardwuar’s column; Caught him in a tender, vulnerable moment thanks to Larry Hart for the picture in Jim Ruland’s column; The Vice President’s a dick, literally, thanks to Rob Ruelas for his illustration in Jimmy’s column; Blood, bullets, and headless torsos thanks to Keith Rosson for his illustrations in Todd’s article; “Did you know that Captain Eo was written and directed by Francis Ford Coppolla?” thanks to Kat Jetson for her Geisha Girls interview; additional thanks to the Geisha Girls for round robin-ing their mugshots; Four strings on a bass is one too many thanks to Aphid Peewit for his Midnight Evils interview; Break a bottle and charge the audience—a hostile city thanks to Jeff Clayton for the Bad Vibes interview; additional, “uhh, we wouldn’t have photos without your help” thanks to Larry Kay; It’s all too often like a digital version of walking in on someone beating off thanks to all of our record reviewers—Puckett, Brian Mosher, Jason K., Speedway Randy, Donofthedead, Aphid Peewit, and Cuss Baxter; Although some college literature professors shun the written word, unless they’re paid to care, thanks to Gabe Rock and Brian Mosher for zine reviews. Issue #23 Dec. 2004 / Jan. 2005 PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 56 www.razorcake.com COLUMNS 4 Designated Dale I’m Against It 7 Art Fuentes Shizzville 8 Seth Swaaley Swinging Door Conversations 12 Liz O. Guerrilla My Dreams 14 Sean Carswell A Monkey to Ride the Dog 16 Maddy Tight Pants Shiftless When Idle 46 18 Gary Hornberger Squeeze My Horn 20 The Rhythm Chicken The Dinghole Reports 24 Jim Ruland Lazy Mick 62 66 26 Nørb, Love, Nørb 32 Nardwuar The Human Serviette Who Are You? 38 Jeff Fox, I Hate a Parade 41 Ben Snakepit Snakepit 43 Chrystaei Branchaw’s Photo Page

INTERVIEWSANDFEATURES 44 The Ergs by Megan Pants 50 Ken Dirtnap by Todd Taylor 58 Loud Pipes by Wez Lundry 76 64 Balzac by Donofthedead 70 Modern Machines by Maddy Tight Pants 74 Wednesday Night Heroes by who?

79 Dan Monick’s Photo Page REVIEWS 82 Record Dance Dance Revolution Looks Like It’s Got a New Soundtrack Band 104 Zines Teacups Full of Diarrhea 110 Books Superwoman: Slut or Hero? 111 Videos Hitting the Strings with the Ol’ Dick

Individual opinions expressed within are not necessarily those of Razorcake/Gorsky, Inc.

Razorcake is distributed by Big Top Newstand Services, 2729 Mission St., Ste.201, SF, CA 94110, [email protected] Razorcake/ Gorsky, Inc. Board of Directors are: Todd Taylor, Sean Carswell, Dan Clarke, Katy Spining, Leo Emil Tober III Razorcake and www.razorcake.com are put together by Sean Carswell, Todd Taylor, Josh Lane, Megan Pants, Skinny Dan, ktspin, and Felizon Vidad Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the US. Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00 bulk rate or $21.00 first class mail. Plus you get some free shit. These prices are only valid for people who live in the US and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for everyone else (because we have to pay more in postage). Write us and we’ll give you a price. Prisoners may receive free single issues of Razorcake solely via Left Bank Books, 92 Pike St., Seattle, WA 98101, who have a book-for-prisoners program. Want to dis- tribute Razorcake in the United States? The minimum order is five issues. You have to prepay. For $10.00, you’ll receive five copies of the same issue, sent to you when we do our mailout to all of our distros, big and small. Email for all the details. OO AATT EERR PP MM II 9900880033 NN AAYY It was pure, sexy, evil. JUST A NOTE: The following story is entirely place I could—in the trashed bedrooms of love to once again be spilled upon. Let’s meet at fictional. I mention this as I’ve been accused of strange boys, in the seedy backs of bars. I had The Albion at nine. –Ace” having affairs with my own fictional characters been through a miserable string of affairs and We met at the bar and the first thing he did in the past but am not, at this time, capable of felt hollow as an empty bottle. My soulless beer- was produce a beer from behind his back and this unholy feat. spilling self looked up at him and we just present it to me. Inside the pint glass, hovering clicked. Our eyes slid into place—snick—like a murkily at the bottom of the amber fluid was a bullet sliding into a barrel. The perfect crime. Yoda Pez. I smiled and peered deep inside. Sinner Through the round glass, his green plastic head Jake looked down at his dripping arm. It was was enlarged grotesquely on its beige stalk. “I It was summer when we laid her down dead. ridiculously thin. Tattooed. And now very wet got it from a street vendor,” he explained. “Just I’d had that cat damn near half my life and it was with beer. today. It was fate.” all my fault. I’d killed her by accident, with my “They’re all wearing beer this season,” he “I can’t believe that,” I said, fishing Yoda evil ways. laughed, looking down at his wet shirt. His out with two fingers. “This is amazing.” I sat with my friend Veronica in the veteri- laugh was high, horsy. Yoda dried out on the bar while we eased narian’s office on Eighth Avenue, tears erupting. “Jesus. Sorry!” into conversation. “So what’s up with that user- The vet eased the syringe into Butterball’s fat “Just a little moist,” he said, wringing the name? Ace,” I muttered. white furry cat body. He looked up at me with bottom of his t-shirt in both hands. A stream of He stared at me blankly for a moment. “Ace. droopy eyelids. “I’m sorry,” he said. yellowish fluid fell and splashed between us. Like Ace Frehley, from KISS.” “She used to just flop all over the house,” I “It’s a good look for you,” I stated, pointing “Ohhhhhh,” I answered, the flash of enlight- told him. “Just walk to the center of the room awkwardly at his back. “A beer cape. I like it.” enment sparking dully across my brain, then and flop her big body all over the wood floor.” We talked for a while about motorcycles, sputtering out. “Of course.” “Flop,” the vet repeated, closing his lips in a exchanged bar stories, lame most- embarrass- “Yeah, the most bad ass guitar player in his- most wrinkled way. His light blue lab coat was ing-moment stories—like the time I played pool tory! What, did you think I was some kind of riddled with yellowish stains. He looked like he AYN IMPERATO for an hour with my skirt wadded up in the back dork?” had had a bad day. of my fishnets, with full underwear exposed. I “You are a dork.” I thought of when she used to plop down on couldn’t believe I was telling him these things. He smiled a grin of slightly crooked teeth. the floor, her belly fat expanding out into an “Once during a show with my old band He had a quarter inch gap between the two front almost flat pancake of white fur. She’d lie in her Fargo,” he explained, his black spiky hair stand- ones. He later showed me how he could spit beer pancake and look up at you with heavy-lidded ing alert, “I jumped off my amp and split my between the gap. yellow eyes. Let out a silent cry. When she pants clean up the crotch. I wasn’t wearing any A stream of hipsters filtered in, clogging the meowed it was mute—a silent whisper of air. underwear.” He took a slug of beer. “I do that.” narrow artery of the entrance. We moved to a Only her jaws clicked open and shut as she “Heh, heh,” I laughed. “Thanks for the more private sector of the bar. In a back wooden raised her head, bobbing it up and down with warning.” booth in the red seamy light we talked in low anticipation as if you could hear her like a dog’s When the bands finished and were loading tones, hushed and hurried words that blended silent whistle. out their gear he came up and said, “I gotta split. comfortably together into one long streaming We had the body boxed up and drove around Here.” He thrust a crinkled cocktail napkin into thought. He secretly watched re-runs of and around the city wondering what to do with my hand and took off. Dynasty. I watched Dynasty, too. In that moment the little cardboard coffin. I just held it in my “Jana,” I said after him. “My name’s Jana.” it was like we were soulmates living our sepa- hands. We finally buried her at the base of a But he was already gone. rate existences on opposite sides of town. large tree in a small woods outside of town. We I unfolded the napkin. It had his email When the bar closed he said he would walk used old tin soup cans for shovels to dig an address on it, no phone number. That seemed me home. We were giddy from beer and the con- obscenely large oblong ditch—suitable for a strange. Impersonal. I was a little dismayed. versation and the night. At my doorstep when I small human, really—in the packed soil. Even more dismayed when I read his username: invited him in, he told me he better let me go. He Veronica said we had to dig it deep or dogs “Ace.” I gave a secret little grimace to myself. leaned in slowly and kissed my neck. I reached would come and dig up the furry body. Together Ace. Good god. to return and he awkwardly grasped my elbow. we piled rocks like a stone blanket over the loose I emailed “Ace” the next night around nine “There’s something I need to tell you, Jana.” dirt of the cat grave. As I settled the last one, I and he answered only two hours later. We sent “You used to be a girl,” I stated, squeezing looked at the pile of rocks. The events of the past several messages back and forth, witty little flir- where his boobs might once have been. few weeks fell into place in my mind, one by tations, but not once did he ask me out. Over the “No,” he said. “I have a girl. A girlfriend.” one, like the stones. next two weeks we talked about life, our inner- My lips fell open, incredulous. “Jesus, you most dreams, past relationships gone sour. He prick!” First, I met Jake. I never intended to cause told me about his room full of KISS memorabil- “I’m really sorry. I should have told you trouble. I was troubled enough. Jake tripped ia. I told him about my extensive Pez collection sooner.” over me at a club one night and tipped his whole and how my cat Butterball had chewed one of “Uh, yeah.” I stared across the street at a life over so hard it slid into hell. I spilled beer on my favorites just a few weeks ago—the Yoda homeless guy in a drooping tan sweater, picking his arm. His entire body, actually. Our eyes met, Pez. through the trash. locked. His were odd small slants; tiny slashes Finally I wrote him: “So, do you want to get I should have left then. Just said, “No sliced into his face but they were sparkling deep, together and spill alcoholic beverages on each thanks” and a simple “Goodbye.” It seems so full of pure soul. My soul had taken an extended other again?” The next day, a Wednesday, he easy, looking back. But I was too stunned to 4 hiatus. I was looking for it any wrote, “Jana—I am entirely too dry and would move. We sat on my front steps in the foggy streetlight and he told me how they had been two hundred trembling Pez. We laughed, then sat in the dark as the line together for six years. He didn’t love her any- Butterball took to him immediately. of blood thickened and hardened. He crawled more. They didn’t have that “connection” any- Afterwards, lying on our sides in our underwear over and we held each other for a while. Slowly, more. How he just felt so drawn to me. Red on the floor, she paraded up on top of him and as though the act had drained the last of our alarms sounded in my head, but I still couldn’t ceremoniously flopped down on his side. Her energy, we fell into sleep. move. paws jutted out, crossed, and her belly sagged A few hours later I woke up covered in “I want to be with you, Jana,” he said. down over his hip, casual, in an almost rock and blood. The scab had broken open, dripping over The homeless man had pulled a potted cac- roll way. She had staked her claim the both of us. I woke him up and we had sex tus out of the trash and was turning it over and A few hours later I asked him, “What are with the blood rubbing, sliding between his over in his grubby hands. you still doing here? You have a life waiting for chest and my breasts like bleeding under warm you.” water. It was pure, sexy, evil. I didn’t email him for nearly five days. He mauled the cat’s ears absentmindedly. Afterwards, he turned me over, facing away During this time I thought of little else. I spent His pale blue eyes stared at me, murky with a from him. He wrapped his arms around me time with my cat Butterball, asking her advice. tangle of thoughts. “I like it here.” tighter, rocking, until I was enclosed in a strange She didn’t have much to say cocoon of his bloody bony limbs. about the matter. Just sat there The cat lay flat in the corner, watch- clicking her jaws. ing. AYN IMPERATO I met for coffee with Veronica. She sat across from Next morning an email: If it me at the café in a short-sleeved takes 100 Pez to convince you how black dress with a red embroi- much I want to be with you, I’ll find dered rose snaking greedily up them. one side. She was a beautiful, large girl with long dark hair. I didn’t want to become The We were best friends since we Other Girl. The Mistress Girl. It were kids and grew up side by seemed fateful that if left to continue side. I would contract some rare incurable She was stable. Relatively. venereal disease or perish in a fiery Much more so then I. She had a crash. I sought redemption. I smiled boyfriend who worked selling and nodded at old people. I became car insurance online. I clung to deliberate in all my motions, Careful her advice for some shred of Girl, Together Girl, drinking my sane romantic boyfriend action. morning coffee with intent, making At least hers had a job. I mean I sure I didn’t carelessly cross the road just dated complete and horrific too fast lest I become Roadkill Girl. losers—technical institute Things that happen to those with dropouts, wannabe rock stars, minds crowded with thoughts. To potheads, TV junkies. One had even worn a “You shouldn’t.” bad girls. To sinners like me. sandwich board advertising an acrylic special at “I do though.” Jake came over, as he did many times during a local nail salon. That was his job, just standing We were silent. He moved his hand to my those few weeks. We turned on the TV and the there on the street. Most were additionally either back, scratching lightly there. Brady Bunch was on. It was the one where Greg alcoholics or Al-Anon-damaged twenty-two goes on a date and his brothers left a box of frogs year olds who talked about their codependency The next night he came over again. I lit in the back seat of his convertible. Jake howled like it was a separate being that walked around some Virgin Mary candles in the house, along with obscene horsy laughter as the frogs land on town, ready to suck them back into the alcoholic with some others along the windowsills, to drive Greg’s date’s head and splop right in their pizza. hell that is/was/could be their lives. But I out the evil we had spawned. We drank a bottle In the dead quiet of night I lay next to a digress. of dimestore whiskey he pulled out from a paper sleeping Jake. He was heavy in my bed, “He’s a bum,” Veronica said flatly. “You bag and sat out on the fire escape. Our feet dan- squooshing the mattress into a sad deep “V.” His hear me? He doesn’t even have a job.” gled down over the street, honking cars. skin was faintly illuminated, filtered red from “He does!” I explained. “He has worked at a “Sandra thinks my KISS dolls are stupid,” the curtain, a stark contrast to his ink-black comic book store—the same one—for five he stated. Below, the cars pressed on through the spiky hair. The darkness of it set off his tattoos, years. If that’s not stability I don’t know what tight jam. “But you don’t.” which clung to him like thorny plants twisting is.” “Some people just don’t understand these around his shoulders, through the crook of his “Good god.” things,” I told him. “I mean, if only I had KISS arm, reaching down to his wrists in pointy fin- “Really! There’s nothing wrong with him. Pez, then things would be perfect. Then we gers of faded black ink. I put my hand on his He’s almost a regular guy.” could both be happy.” He stared at me. Then bony chest to feel the slow, thick beat in there, Except, I thought, that he drank a little much kissed my chin. like a tom in a flat ribbed drum. and, apparently, had the capacity for great lies. When we finished the bottle we crept back The next morning after he left the apartment “He even has an almost natural color hair.” inside. All the candles’ wax had turned soft and I “carefully stepped” to the coffee shop down the “Who cares about his hair? He’s got a girl- hot. A faint burning scent filtered through the block. As I was carefully stepping home, a friend! That’s a major flaw in a guy!” room. conga line of four kids paraded past yelling, “I know.” We sat on the floor. He leaned back against “Sinner, sinner, sin-NER! Sinner, sinner, sin- “Well, you know what to do.” my old chaise lounge that I had dragged in from NER!” kicking their legs out on the “NER.” “I do,” I said. “Know.” the street. He pulled out a pocketknife from his Maybe I just imagined it. Maybe they were pants pocket, clicked it open. “I can’t go back to yelling “winner.” I trod grimly home. I called him for a drink. “Just to talk.” a world without KISS figurines,” he laughed and I had, in every way, intended to do the right dug the tip of the blade into his forearm. He It must have been one of the most sweltering thing. We met on my front porch where we sliced it quickly upwards. A burst of crimson days in San Francisco history. A hundred and drank from the cans of beer he brought over. We sprang from the cut in a long red line. We both two degrees at least. Butterball lay flat on her drank. We talked. Four hours later we were sat there watching as though all words had been back on the wood boards of the floor, belly up upstairs in the blue hallway of my apartment sucked from the room into the blade. The can- and limbs splayed open like a frog on a dissect- shucking our clothes off faster than cornhuskers dles flickered. ing board. The candles on my windowsill had in July. His chain wallet clanged to the wood I started to chuckle, shaking silently. melted to sad soft blobs, leaning toward the sun floor. We made out in a pile of his work pants, Uncontrollably. I couldn’t help it. “That was stu- like strange, misshapen aliens beckoning out the my thrashed print skirt and our matching stud- pid.” window to an already crazy world. ded belts. We had sex in my room underneath He burst out laughing. “I’m an idiot.” 5 Jake walked in to the open front door. I was “What can I say then, Jana. Leave him. You’ll That’s how it works. That’s the deal, right?” His nude, sprawled out on the battered chaise find someone else.” eyes were dark, glassy. He looked into the cor- lounge. My tiny drug store fan whirred furious- “I don’t want anyone else.” ner of the room where all my papers and junk ly, spawning only the faintest warm breeze to “You will,” she said. “You’ll have to.” were piled. I suddenly realized what a mess it waft in our general direction. In one large thin I had barely placed the phone back in its cra- had become. hand he cradled a tub of ice cream. He knelt by dle when it rang again. It was Jake. “I can’t just leave with all this going on,” he the lounge and fed it to me—Blueberry—from a “Can I come over?” he asked. offered. “I have this responsibility now.” His plastic spoon. “Sure.” face puckered. “Have to figure out how to pay “That cools the soul, don’t it?” Some time later the door buzzer blared. for stuff. “Mmmmm,” I said, pulling the blue, icy Butterball’s eyes widened to full yellow globes. “But Jana,” he continued weakly, finally cream off the end of the spoon. Jake took off his I stupidly slid a Snickers bar—the kind he meeting my eyes. “I don’t love her. I love you.” clothes and climbed on the lounge. He took the liked—down the back of my jeans so he would The words were like abstract shapes that hung in pint of ice cream and dripped its melted contents later find it when his hands reached around back the air. What did they mean anyway, those all over me. At first it felt good, then slowly there. I instantly regretted the decision. It wasn’t sounds? I stared at his crooked teeth. melted to an unpleasant mess. I looked down at nearly as hot as the previous day, but I could You jeeeeeeeeeeerk! You jeeeeeeeeeerk! my blue-streaked nude body. “Sticky,” I said, already feel it softening. He got up and pathetically knelt down at my realizing that our meetings nearly always includ- His face was grim at the door. “Hello Jana.” knees. I felt a sick feeling grasping, then crawl- ed some sort of goo or blood or food. Some of the spikes on his hair were drooping ing up my spine. “Jana baby, don’t give up on us. “Hold on.” He leapt up, nude, and left I want to be with you.” the room. I heard his big flat feet padding My throat felt tight as a stalk. I knew he across the linoleum in the kitchen. He was trouble. I should have known you can’t returned with a glass of ice water. Standing permanently bond with people over spilt over me he tipped the glass. One clear beer or a mutual love of toys. “I want you stream of glorious cold water fell and to go,” I said. “This very second.” He splashed against my chest, drops rolling wearily stood and walked sheepishly around the sides of my breasts. He bent towards the door. and licked them off. Then did the same to The woman outside began banging her my arms, thighs, until the skin was cooler fists into the hood of a car. The thud of to the touch. With the last third of the glass denting aluminum shook the apartment he raised it and dumped it over his tattooed window, which vibrated with every blow. chest and back, shaking out every drop “I’ll make this work somehow,” he said from the glass. before he left. “We’ll figure something We had sex on the cool wet mattress out.” without a sound, except my drug store fan He closed the blue painted door. I whirring to the relief of no one. Only the chucked the flattened Snickers in the trash. sun shifted slightly in the sky, bending its As if on cue, Butterball collapsed on the strange wax aliens toward the window so kitchen floor the next night. Just dropped close they flattened themselves against the dead. Nearly. Well, dead enough. I took her glass. to the vet to finish the job. Her kidneys had finally given out, unable to filter out the AYN IMPERATO The next day I was peeling them off inner poisons that finished her off. the sill when the phone rang. I picked it up After that I spent the next several nights with one hand, holding a handful of pink alone. She was all I really had, to truly call wax blobs in the other. my own. I took my double shot of karma “So, have you dumped the creep yet?” like a bad bitter pill lodged in my heart to Veronica stated. rot. I had lost everything. “God, that’s so… blunt.” I remembered Jake lying on his side, “Well you either have or you haven’t,” talking to me over the fat KISS candle I she explained. Her voice sounded preoc- had bought for him with the cat’s wide cupied as though she was painting her toe- body drooping all over his midsection. nails while making this reminder call. Peter, Paul, Ace and Gene Simmons were Don’t forget to dump your boyfriend ILLUSTRATION BY CHRIS LARSON; [email protected] illuminated, a white-hot flame licking today, as though it was something a person and pressed nearly flat in places as though he above their heads inside the glass. We had sex might forget. had slept in an alleyway all night and woken up for nearly three hours that night while that little “Well have you?” she asked, impatient. to come straight here. glass hell burned. “Um, not exactly.” “What’s going on?” “Not exactly? What are you waiting for? “You’d better sit,” he stated. I sat. He low- I saw him several months later with Sandra, God, Jana! How would you feel if you were that ered himself to the battered chair. He sat there pushing an ochre-colored stroller down 16th and other girl? His real girlfriend.” silent, head down. Looking into his hands. I Valencia with the baby like a tiny pink worm How could I explain? I knew what she was could feel the Snickers slowly melting in the wrapped inside. He looked terribly thin. Sad. saying. I knew it was lame. “Can’t I have a little crack of my ass. She was as fat as he was thin, with a smug little joy?” I implored. I didn’t have much. “Well, what is it? What is it!” I nearly shout- smile and it suddenly occurred to me she must There was a long exasperated sigh on the ed. I was already angry, but didn’t know at what. have known. I watched them pass from across other end of the line. “Oh Jana.” The way she “Sandra’s pregnant. She wants to have the the street. Watched them even when they had said it sounded so final. As though she had offi- baby,” he blurted, glancing up briefly. I glared at rounded the corner and gone. cially lost all hope. “He’s not going to give you him with wide black eyes like the pits of hell. I turned and walked into a coffee shop just to what you want, Jana.” She paused for dramatic Unblinking. The situation lay knotted on the be off the street where they had been. I ordered effect. “Ever.” floor. Outside a woman began screeching a cup and sat there looking into it like a black “If you want to meet someone with poten- obscenities at a man directly beneath our win- mirror, watching it grow tepid, then cold. I tial,” she continued smartly, “why don’t you join dow, drawing out key vowels. You son of a biii- thought of Butterball sleeping silently in the a group or something? Take a class. Something iiiiiiitch! You monumental aaaaaaaaaass! earth in her soil bed, planted like a big soft seed. you like.” “What are you going to do?” I asked. It comforted me to think of her like that and I “I went to AA for a while.” “What can I do? She wants to have the baby. imagined I was there, crawling down into her “That’s not the same thing!” she shrieked. I don’t.” His voice was tense with controlled deep dark hole. It was completely still. I lay qui- “That’s the guys I like.” frustration. His hand fidgeted nervously with his etly with the bones. 6 There was a long silence. studded bracelet. “But it’s her decision, right? –Ayn Imperato

BB RR IOO ø NN .. OI RBB EVV LLOOVVEE,, NNOR RRE

NOTE TO SELF: IN FUTURE, TRY TO WEAR CLOTHES WHILE FARTING

MY FLOOR IS COOLER THAN SHIT rectly a state of being] called the “LLT”— tion this whole sordid state of being because, at or “Loser Laptop”—which basically means i some point in time, you very well might be over TILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS hooked a really long extension cord to my com- at my house (and, if so, please give me a heads puter, and therefore can haul it pretty much any- up before you come over, as, for all you know, i Let the record show that at 7:44 AM CDT, where in the house or out in the yard that i care might be sitting buck nekkid on the kitchen August 2nd, 2004, i am sitting bare-ass nekkid to go, thusly enjoying all the advantages a laptop floor, typing and jerking off). One thing leading on my (sorta) newly installed kitchen floor, legs computer has to offer [glare, mosquitoes, shock to another, once you’re at my house, you might akimbo, heinie slapped unapologetically down hazards, muck, awkward typing angles, cold tile find yourself in my kitchen. Once you’re in my upon the layer of cool (“cool” as in “purple and against my genitals] at a fraction of the cost, kitchen, you might find yourself in the process black checkerboard floors installed by an aging, with none of the unsightly chocolate mess!) Let of handling foodstuffs, and, once handling food- sloppy-drunk punk rock homeowner are cool,” this image stay with you a while, gentle reader! stuffs, because you are a fucking clumsy idiot, as well as the more graphic “this floor is several Let it burn into the image-retaining areas of your you might find yourself dropping portions of degrees less warm than my exposed hindquar- cerebral lunar landscape! Not so much the image said foodstuffs on my sorta-newly-tiled kitchen ters” kinda “cool”) vinyl that separates my butt- of a nude, now-sitting-Indian-style Nørb floor—at which point in time, you are like as not cheeks from the even-cooler (as in merely only hunched over his LLT keyboard, hairy elbows going to invoke the Five-Second Rule™, snatch less warm) slab o’ concrete which serves as my poking this way and that a la some manner of your mishandled morsel off my floor (you would home’s foundation, typing frantically away in spastic and mildly disgusting penny-ante version think that right here i would have some sort of hopes that i might bash out a column ere i of The Thinker (not so much the Fantastic Groucho-like rejoinder about flooring your mis- migrate over to the salt mines later this morning. Four’s enemy [aka the “Mad Thinker”] [and his handled snatch off my morsel as well, but that That’s right! Typing on the floor, in my birthday Awesome Android!] nor the singer for the doesn’t seem to flow quite properly and i am suit! And why not? For, O gentle reader, is not Minds, i kind of mean the statue of the thinking beginning to fart copiously against the tile and today that most Nørbly of all days, the second dude sculpted by Rodin) (presumably right therefore must cleave to whatever meager day of the eighth month, the ever-lovin’ Day O’ before he terrorized Tokyo with his incessant strands of propriety are left to me) (note to self: My Birth? The very occasion for which my pterodactyl-flapping and screeching and the in future, try to wear clothes while farting), con- Birthday Suit—that veritable no-prize of outer- what-not and was soundly thrashed by suming same without further delay. BE THAT wear—gets its name? Hint: It is! And what bet- Godzilla™, King of the Monsters)—nay, AS IT MAY, VISITOR! BUT LET THE ter way to celebrate the acquisition of yet anoth- Reader! Concentrate your mental image-burner RECORD SHOW THAT WE NOW ADD A er annual ring around my tree stump’s collar not so much on the picture of me haplessly cob- NEW WILD CARD TO THIS PARTICULAR than to set here, nekkid as the day i was born bling out a string of words and spaces from my GAME OF ACEY-DEUCEY-ONE-EYED- (and almost as pink), one with the VCT (“VCT” modern stone-age perch upon the kitchen floor, JACK in the form of my GUARANTEE TO is hipster argot for “vinyl composition tile,” but just kinda focus on the fact that at some YOU, AL FRANKEN, that, at (at least) one I which is sorta amusing if you were around in the lucky point in time, at some lucky point on the point in time, i, Rev. Nørb, sat nude upon a por-

N0RB ‘80s and remember that label called BCT, which floor, my shiny metal ass was, without benefit of tion of this very floor, farting and whacking off stood for “Bad Compilation Tapes”), clickety- culotte nor bloomer, steadfastly affixed for a and writing and playing canasta and God- . clacking away in order that i may share the joys period of such duration that any gross butt- knows-what-else. NUDE! COMPLETELY of my encroaching (actually, encroached) germs and/or butt-flotsam (and/or, i might has- NUDE! WITH NUDITY GERMS AFORE- ancientness with you, the poor fucking schmoe- ten to add, scrotum and penis germs and related THOUGHT! (and not for medical reasons, REV ass whose birthday today it is not? HA! IT’S A flotsam as well) (which is to not even take into either. I’m just bein’ disgusting!) Perhaps i TRICK QUESTION! There IS no better way to account the traditional germ and flotsam pack- cleansed said poisoned area of the floor— celebrate this day of maximum Nørbliness! At age which would have been transmitted to the heretofore referred to as the Eclipso™ Quadrant least not for you! For me there’s plenty other floor via my feet, which comes standard) would (after the DC™ Comics villain who got his pow- better ways to celebrate August 2nd, aka Nørb have had ample time to migrate floorward and ers from a full moon [which apparently turned Day™ (as opposed to Todd Day, who played for put down roots, Petri dish-like, upon said spot his head around and around] and a black dia- the Bucks about ten years ago and didn’t really on said floor. I also—upping the disgust ante by mond [which apparently was out on the streets deserve to have a day named after him [no perhaps an even order of magnitude—might for a living] or something) thoroughly and offense, Todd])—unfortunately, i do not have have, simply to underscore the foulness of it all, meticulously after departing the premises. the necessary personnel assembled for the jerked off on this spot on the floor as well (i’m Perhaps i just left the foul residue of butt-goo orgiastic revelry one rightly assumes would befit not sure. I can change my story dependent on the and Nørbly secretions to fester, and, were one to such an occasion were i to have my Ultimate gender of whom i’m relating the story to) (and, i look closely at the spot where i was sitting, one Druthers, so, ha, sitting on the floor typing with mean, not EXACTLY this spot i’m currently sit- would notice a fermenting aggregation of bacte- the vinyl interfacing with my nether regions it ting in. I mean, why shit in your own nest, ya ria resembling the results of one of those games is! (Rest assured, genital reader: 1. unlike other know?), just for effect. Or, hell, maybe i dragged you used to get at Woolworth’s™ where you columnists known to operate computers in the my butt hither’n’yon across the floor via my took the little magnet and drew the beard of iron altogether, i do not have shingles; and 2. i do not front paws, like a worm-inhabited doggie. You’ll filings on the little cartoon character. Or, again, have a laptop, either. I have, instead, invented a never know the exact width and breadth of my maybe not. Perhaps the Eclipso™ Quadrant has 14 device [well, perhaps more cor- filth, copper! However, be that as it may, i men- been duly sanitized. Perhaps it has not. Perhaps the Eclipso™ Quadrant is way back by the mop bite of your lunch]). That said, i also know what merely a manifestation of the eternal Spy vs. bucket and my ex-girlfriend’s dorm room fridge. else you’re thinking: Golly, Rev. Nørb, I know I Spy™ graphic design idea indicating both a cer- Or... hmmm... perhaps it is right in front of the speak for Razorcakedom Assembled when i say tain beautiful if formulaic equality (i.e. for every oven or the refrigerator, a yawning swath of filth without fear or favor that we could stand to lis- square of color X there is an equal and opposite toward which mishandled morsels cannot help ten to you attempt to manufacture a column from square of color anti-X) and a certain beautiful but to gravitate. But it is somewhere, working its the events and non-events revolving around your but formulaic total conflict (i.e. each square of subtle, behind-the-scenes influence to turn eat- sitting on your naked white heinie on the kitchen color X is more or less surrounded by squares of ing off my floor into some horrible form of floor all day, but... exactly... how... is... this... the opposing color anti-X, so they fight, which is Russian Roulette (do they make pleasant forms PUNK? Glad you asked that, Stu. Actually, i’m punk)—that is to say, the punk rock use of the of Russian Roulette?). The rest of this floor is as not. How dare YOU question ME, the GREAT checkerboard is not to symbolize the harmo- clean as, i dunno, any floor surface is likely ever and POWERFUL Oz??? Here i am on my birth- nious coming together of (theoretical) opposites, going to be at my house. It’s Tom Fucking Slick, day, not whooping it up with a pitcher of it actually indicates taking an utterly neutral and baby. I, of course, will not give any hints as to Pucker™-based concoctions, not at the roller entropic gray and separating it into its two clash- which hunk of the floor is the ing (but equal) components, befouled Eclipso™ Quadrant black and white. Or, in my and which portions are merely kitchen floor’s case, black and coated in the standard harmless Good & Plenty™ purple (ya layer of shoe-borne filth and know, i do not really even like feces, thus, should you ever Good & Plenty’s™ overmuch, wish to eat something you’ve yet i’ve got these now infa- dropped upon my kitchen floor, mous Good & Plenty™ paja- do take the time to ask yourself mas [THEY’RE NOT “PAJA- this: FEELING LUCKY, MAS!” THEY’RE “LOUNGE PUNK? ...now, i know what PANTS!” EXCEPT THE you’re thinking: Gosh Rev. SHIRT! I DON’T KNOW Nørb, booby-trapping your WHAT EXACTLY THAT IS floor by wiping your butt or YET!] and on that New Bomb beating off on it or whatever is Turks picture disc 45 i did the certainly very interesting to art for way back when, i used myself and to everyone else ripped up hunks of a Good & reading this magazine; howev- Plenty™ box in the design, so er, wouldn’t you (and begging these are obviously candies of your pardon here, O Suave great inherent punkitude [i One) be better served by, say, think it’s because they look like wiping your butt on the inside new wave pharmaceuticals or of your oven door instead, something, and all the great thereby bacterially penalizing superheroes like Giant-Man™ guests like the Ergs! and and Hourman™ and Modern Machines who, in Underdog™ got their powers some inexplicable fashion spe- from popping pills, so who am cific to touring bands, managed i to put the kibosh on quality to cook a pizza in your oven crimefighting?]). Actually, the with, apparently, about the last punk rock checkerboard usual- inch or so flopped over the ly demands an additional third, edge of the rack and pressed, uncheckerly element—you cheese-first, against the oven kinda gotta scrawl a word or door, thusly causing a hideous something in lipstick or what- mass of molten mozzarella, et ever at an angle across the top REV al, to be baked directly onto the ILLUSTRATION BY TERRY RENTZEPIS; WWW.ALLTENTHUMBS.COM of the checkerboard (don’t inside of your oven door like even get me started on that pro- some kind of dairy epoxy enam- ject, i STILL haven’t gotten .

el or something, and requiring the timely inter- rink meeting pompom girls and horny mom- around to spray painting “THE JAM” on my N0RB cession of a putty knife (an implement which you mies, but toiling away bare-ass naked on the house yet) (plus i’m out of lipstick), just to show I no longer own because you got yours so kitchen floor, the joints between the tiles press- that ha, not only have we taken the neutral gray, crapped-up tiling your floor that you just threw ing red lines into my pallid (but firm and yield- separated it into two warring components and it away rather than attempting to clean it) to ing. And also kind of supple) buttock flesh, in set them in balance (and/or perpetual conflict), chip and chisel away the offending residue? the service of filling YOUR journalistic and lit- we have ALSO added a component that is in Well, yes and no. I mean, the math is certainly erary voids, and YOU have the unabashed conflict with the mannered conflict of the there, but i generally hesitate to bring my naked temerity to squall over the perceived opacity of checkerboard itself, that is to say, CHECKERS butt in contact with ovens and things of that my floor’s claim to punkness?!! Well FUCK UNITE TO DO BATTLE WITH YOUR COM- nature, as that seems to be the type of event that YOU, Gene Autry! Fuck you and the unabashed MON ENEMY, THE COLORED SCRAWL-AT- gets the perpetrator listed in the next year’s temerity you rode in on! At least have the com- AN-ANGLE, WHICH RESPECTS NEITHER Darwin Awards (plus, i mean, what if a chick mon courtesy to abash your temerity on my natal YOUR BLACKNESS-AND-WHITENESS NOR comes over and wants to make me lasagna? day! I mean, cripes! Look at me working! THE RECTILINEAR REGULARITY OF YOUR [kinda like when i was in high school, we were Darning my socks in the night when there’s ASSEMBLY!!! But, hmmm... now that i think hanging out in my buddy Kirk from the Art nobody there! What do you care? My floor is about that a bit more deeply (as befits the life of Thieves’ parents’ yard, cooking out and drink- punker than shit! My floor is shitter than heck!! quiet dignity a nude kitchen floor scholar ing, and Kirk got this brilliant idea that he was My floor is hecker than punk!!! First off, not that entails), punks don’t really hardly ever use going to be “rad” and put out the coals by piss- i need to Justify My Floor to YOU lot (after all, checkerboard patterns at all, do they? I mean, ing on the grill. Good one, Kirk. I’m sure tomor- what have you tiled for me lately?), but my floor there was that Taxi Boys record, but that was row afternoon when your Dad is serving you up is a checkerboard. Checkerboards are punk. taxi, not punk (and, come to think of it, i think a Urineburger™ for lunch you’ll have ample Actually, checkerboards are ska. Hmmm. Taxi played in Milwaukee last night, which per- time to reflect upon your contributions to You’ve obviously got me in a rundown here. haps i should’ve gone to see, but maybe not). mankind’s current pinnacle of achievement Well, i mean, the ska checkerboard is an extend- Punks (and New Wavers) actually use grids, not whilst savoring the succulent crystals of uric ed metaphor for racial harmony—ebony and checkerboards. Whores rouge, punks grid! I acid generously apportioned in each and every ivory and all like that. The punk checkerboard is mean, that Clorox Girls album 9 cover, that’s a grid, not a checkerboard. Grids why there aren’t P.R. firms that specialize in which seems to indicate that a punk floor is a are cool because not only do they set color X clients facing genocide—i mean, it’s gotta be a cluttered floor. No arguments there. However, it against color Anti-X, but, by virtue of their non- growth industry, doesn’t it? Sure, collections may be noted that the cluttered floor = punk equalness (a lesser being might use the word might be a bitch and there might not be many floor axiom was likely concocted specifically “inequality” here, but that is not the word i am repeat customers, but if you do your damn job, with pre-existing flooring in mind. I mean, if looking for), the colors drive each other into you oughtta command top dollar {{i’d like to you’re an adolescent (or an Adolescent or even “foreground/background” roles—so, whereas a hear the phone calls in that office: “Hello. I am an adolescent Adolescent), The Man assigns checkerboard pattern is a battle across the x- and calling from the Sudan. My people are being you a floor, and you clutter it, because you are y-axis fought to a stalemate, with a grid, the bat- exterminated by the thousands. You must help.” punk, and need to fix the floor (and besides, it’s tle spills out onto the z-axis, resolving nothing “Look, i told you last week that your bio needs easier than picking up after yourself). However, (so therefore more FIGHTING! PUNK!). But, i updating, and I can’t do anything until I get a this particular view on flooring fails/failed to mean, there are some checkerboard patterns on decent press photo! Work with me here! Work take into account the fact that, many years in the the covers of old Agent Orange records, but, with me here!”}}]]))}, and, as far as i know, on Future™ (“Future™” being the brand of floor then again, there are also checkerboard patterns each and every team the guy has worn #2—so wax i slathered bottle after bottle of upon said on the covers of old Fastway (?!) and Head East the back of his jersey reads “AUGMON 2” floor when all was said ‘n’ done [my wax choice (??!!) albums (FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIV- whereas i was born on “MON AUG 2.” LOOK, supported by 5) “Into the Future”—Vibrators,

IT SLAYS ME THAT THAT ONE NASCAR GUY DRIVES A CAR ALL PAINTED UP TO ADVERTISE TIDE™ DETERGENT. I'M SORRY, BUT REAL MEN DO NOT USE NAME-BBRAND LAUNDRY DETERGENTS!!!

IA FACT: Doug, the bass player for the Didjits, WHEN IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOU CAN 1978; 6) “We are the Future People of used to work at the same diner that Head East CONTROL THE TANGENTS, ALL Tomorrow,”—MTX, etc.]), one might very well are depicted scarfing down mountainous stacks RIGHT?!?!?!]). Therefore, the question come to have, by law, possession of a floor or of pancakes in on the back cover of their 1975 remains: Why—apart from the fact that i’m sit- floors, and, therefore, instead of punkifying the Flat As a Pancake LP [i.e., the album with the ting on it typing a column in the buff—is my pre-existing (and motherfucking gross—pale checkerboard border {plus pancakes} on the kitchen floor punk? (i applaud those of you who green and tan and blue and some kinda fleur-da- front]). Huh. Point well taken. In fact, think said “because it’s lower than the walls and ceil- whatzit pattern and mold and mildew and OH about checkered flags. Dude, those NASCAR ing.” You’re problem solvers and people the horror) floor, one might very well exercise rednecks WORSHIP the checkerboard! (or pleasers. Wrong answer, though.) Actually, the one’s right of destruction by ripping and maybe they don’t. Maybe the checkered flag is question even begs a meta-question: CAN destroying (7) “Rip, rip—rip and destroy!”— merely seen as some quaint, long-established kitchen floors be punk? I say thee “YES,” and Evil KISS Robots, “Rip and Destroy,” 1978) the doo-dad like the green jacket of the Masters golf support my claim thusly: 1) “All this and more, old floor, and replacing it with something new tournament, et al, and, all things being equal, little girl / How ‘bout on the floor, little (8) “I got a new rose, I got it good”—The NASCAR fans are actually more into the decals girl?”—Dead Boys, “All This And More,” Damned, “New Rose,” 1976). Now, presum- on the cars than the symbol of victory itself [it 1977. I mean, it’s not “all this and head, little ably, one would be within the letter of the law slays me that that one NASCAR guy drives a girl / how ‘bout on the bed, little girl?”, it’s not were one to replace one’s old, unpunkly flooring car all painted up to advertise Tide™ detergent. “all this and ouch! little girl, how ‘bout on the with new, unpunkly flooring, and then punkify I I’m sorry, but REAL MEN DO NOT USE couch, little girl?”—it’s “MORE” and the new flooring via the timely addition of clut- NAME-BRAND LAUNDRY DETER- “FLOOR.” Stiv doesn’t answer questions like ter; however, more is expected of me, because i N0RB GENTS!!!]). Checkerboards, then, are definite- that! Doubters who wish to point out that the am Reverend Nørb, whose flooring must ooze

. ly not UN-punk, but, yet, by their implementa- “floor” in question might just as well have been punkliness and spasticism (not to mention butt- tion in the service of various forms of rabble, are in the living room, bedroom, or Burger King™ grease and Eclipso™ Quadrants) lest my rep no more exclusively punk than, say, beer. restroom as the kitchen, take note: 2) Another and cred be even further damaged than they

REV Fascinatin’. My floor is definitely a checker- Music in a Different Kitchen—Buzzcocks album have been by that godawful Devil Dogs tribute board, though, and not a grid. Grid = grout, and title, United Artists, 1978. I mean, fuck, that’s a track my ex-band recorded (for which, of there ain’t no fuckin’ grout about it that the smoking gun right there. Floors are punk, course, i apologize profusely, in the Name of grout route was not the route of pursuit. (HEY! kitchens are punk, punk + punk = punk (or does Rock™. Sorry, Rock™!). Therefore, the next FUCK YOU! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! I’LL it equal 2 punk? [2Punk Shakur?]), i’m good. question (in a birthday that is truly turning out to BUST MY RHYMES HOWEVER THE HELL But wait! Not to overturn my own applecart, but be fraught with heavy inquiry) would be: What I WANT! YOU SEE HOW MUCH FUN YOU yet 3) “She goes downstairs to the kitchen TYPES of flooring are punk? Bare concrete with CAN SCRAPE OUT OF HAVIN’ YOUR clutching her handkerchief” –Beatles, “She’s traces of old, carcinogenic adhesive still BIRTHDAY ON A MONDAY NEXT TIME Leaving Home,” 1967 and 4) “Don’t try to take attached (you find out all kinds of great stuff AROUND!!! [FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIV- me to a disco, you’ll never even get me out on when you re-tile your floor, like “don’t hit hard- IA FACT: I was, originally, born on a Monday. the floor”—Bob Seger, “Old Time Rock & Roll” ened globs of old adhesive with a hammer That is why i like the basketball player Stacey (date irrelevant)—so, somehow, kitchen floors because it makes cancer dust”—except you Augmon, who just signed with Orlando, i think: are not only punk, but hippie and disco and almost always invariably find this out about two He played for about ten different NBA™ teams (ack!) Bob Seger as well!! (note: “Ramblin’ steps later in the process than you needed to {including the Atlanta Hawks, for whom, in Gamblin’ Man” by the Bob Seger System know it to avoid it)? Nah, too redneck. 1992, he scored ((by what means of calculation [1969] does, in fact, kick ass) Thus, kitchen Linoleum? Nah, too renterly—The Man puts i am unsure)) the NBA’s 6,000,000th point of all floors are not NECESSARILY punk, they mere- linoleum on your floor because he knows that time ((six million, coincidentally, being both the ly have the potential punkness molecule dor- you and your friends are just going to spill beer estimated number of Jews exterminated by mant within their floorly DNA. This turns the and toss cigarette butts on it anyway, it’s kind of Hitler in WWII, but also the number of non- question around to “what KINDS of floors are like a bib or something. Wood? Nah, my house Jews exterminated by Hitler in WWII [[and yet, punk, and what makes them so?” towards which is all metal, and i don’t want to offend it. Wood, those other six million folks never get any pub clues might be expected from 5) “History’s to me, is like cowshit or leaves or something. whatsoever. They really should have hired a bet- recorded in the clutter on the floor” Doesn’t belong in the house. The only “wood” i ter publicist. Which brings up the question of –Adolescents, “Kids of the Black Hole,” 1981, want in my swingin’ aluminum bachelor pad is 10 the wood i’m gonna be sharin’ with the little “Shave It”—Boris The Sprinkler, 2000 A.D.). bulbs: Red, Green, and Blue—otherwise known girls down on the floor (actually, that’s not true. Plus it’s “MidNITE Deposit” anyway. So, uh, as the RGB color model. The RGB People, I do own a Willie Wood football card. Plus i own fuck! I’m stumped. I bust my fucking ass rip- apparently, have “officially” labeled the SO not- those issues of Daredevil™ drawn by Wally ping and destroying and tiling and styling and magenta color that the tile people call Wood. Plus i own a copy of West Side Story on coating every object in my home with errant “Mulberry” and i call “kind of bright purple” as VHS, featuring Natalie Wood [as the busybody globs of adhesive and i still have no tangible “magenta” (or, as i would insist it be called Puerto Rican chick who talked Tony the Polack evidence that my floor is punk. How can this “RGB magenta,” lest it be confused with the real into going down to stop the rumble when Tony be? How can this be? I go to class, dazed and deal). Huh. Curse these Computer Huns and had, wisely, talked both the Sharks and Jets into confused (like most people having a midlife cri- their puny 72 dpi brains! These bastards don’t settling their differences via a one-on-one fist- sis, i find going back to school a very effective know magenta from Mulberry! What’s this gen- fight between each gang’s best fighters—thusly, stopgap measure, essentially relieving me from eration coming to??? I attempt to inform the due to her infernal meddling, fatally cooking the the terrible onus of having to really think about class as to the error of their ways, but my arcane goose of not only Tony, but Bairnarrrrdo and my future for another four years). The instructor, babble about the analog universe falls on unre- Riff as well], so i’m afraid mi casa is not the demonstrating an animation principle, creates ceptive, Godsmack-damaged ears. Deflated, i wood-free zone i had envisioned). Ceramic two squares, which, in a fit of wondrous coinci- return home, and dejectedly attempt to make life REV Tile? Nope, too fancy. Plus you need better by putting the records strewn power tools and shit for that, which is about all black and naked-like in front too shop class. Carpet? Sure, carpet is of my stereo back into their respec- .

punk (9) “Don’t you know you’ll stain tive jackets. AND, FROM THIS N0RB the carpet?”—Velvet Underground, MORASS, SALVATION!!! Upon re- I “Sister Ray,” 1968), but, i mean, even jacketing the Exploding Hearts LP, i don’t consider carpet an appropriate what should i find the band to be flooring choice for the kitchen. The depicted standing upon? A FLOOR! only real choice for a punkly kitchen And not MERELY a floor! A floor floor, then, is VINYL COMPOSI- floored with VINYL COMPOSI- TION TILE! After all, vinyl is cer- TION TILE in a CHECKER- tainly punk! I don’t even need to sup- BOARD PATTERN! And what col- port that statement with some manner ors, gentle readers, ARE those very of musical reference! However... tiles in that very checkerboard on that hmmm... shit. Vinyl is also hip-hop very floor upon that very band is and techno, isn’t it? Vinyl is even depicted on that very album cover? power-pop (10) The Shoes, “Black BLACK AND MAGENTA!!! THE Vinyl Shoes,” 1977, Black Vinyl VERY COLORS WHICH MY Records). So therefore... hmmm... i’ve DIMWITTED OPPRESSORS CLAIM got KITCHEN and i’ve got FLOOR MY FLOOR TO BE!!! Okay, sure, and i’ve got VINYL and i’ve got that might not be what color those CHECKERBOARD... but, yet, with tiles were in “real” life (they could’ve all those potentially punkly ingredi- been white and colored magenta by ents, i have nothing that is DEFINI- the cover artist), and their tiles are the TIVELY punk-and-nothing-but. one true real CMYK (aka “Process”) Egads! Well, let’s look at the brand Magenta, and my tiles are actually name of the tile: AZROCK™. Now, to merely only RGB Magenta—magen- me, that breaks down into “AZ” and ta via false accusation, as it were— “ROCK™,” which means 11) but, goddammit, black-and-magenta Knockout Pills—Tucson, 2002- checkerboard vinyl composition tile present... which even i have to admit is is black-and-magenta checkerboard a stretch. Hmm. I did scoop the tile vinyl composition tile, CMYK, RGB, adhesive (and, believe you me, that vile shit is dence, just happen to be the same black and the DTK or LAMF—and who or whom am i to the Devil’s bubblegum!) out of the bucket with same purple (“midnight” and “mulberry”— argue my tiles’ non-magenta-ness with the best half a Tantrums 45, but that’s kind of a stretch on whatever) as my tiles. “I think this is what they and brightest young minds of their genera- multiple levels. I did use that cool old retro- call a ‘color DON’T’” she deadpans. I inform tion???!!! My kitchen floor is ABSOLUTELY, commercial type o’ tile, with the white streaky the instructor that i just tiled my fucking kitchen POSITUTELY, HYDROLUTELY 100% flecks in it, and i’ve got the grain of the purple using that particular “color don’t” as a model of PUNK because (allowing for aforementioned tiles running east to west whilst the grain of the ultimate fucking cool, or words to that effect. caveats) it’s more or less the same floor as on the black tiles runs north to south, so the north side She politely backpedals: “Well, MAGENTA Guitar Romantic album! PURE PUNK! I WIN! of the purple tiles faces east, in a way, while the works well in CERTAIN situations...” Wait. I don’t see frickin’ HEAD EAST posing on a east side of the black tiles faces south (12) “The Wait. Wait. “Magenta?” My tiles are not fuck- magenta and black VCT floor, RGB or other- north side of my town faced east and the east ing “magenta.” They might be “mulberry,” or wise! I don’t see frickin’ FASTWAY posing on a was facing south”—The Who, “Substitute,” they might be “purple,” but they are NOT magenta and black VCT floor! I don’t see the 1966), but that will hardly stand-up under rigor- magenta. Nor is that square you created. I argue frickin’ BEATLES posing on one! The only ous cross-examination. So. Huh. We are pretty the point—not of whether or not my tiles suck or band i see depicted posing on such a floor (or much left with the color of the tiles themselves. rock, but whether the color she is pointing to, CMYK cousin thereof) is the Exploding Hearts, I say they’re purple and black (fairly similar to which only incidentally is the color of half my and they are POSITIVELY, ABSOTIVELY, the cover of 13) Boris The Sprinkler, 8-Testicled kitchen, is “magenta” or something else. HYDROSPLIVLEY, 100% P-U-N—... er, one Pogo Machine, 1995, Bulge Records, but not Anything else. She, and the rest of the class second please... i’ve just been handed this exactly so). The tiles themselves say that they insist: That square is magenta. Officially. Guitar Romantic back cover, which clearly are “Mulberry” and “Midnight” colored, which Eventually, i dope out the problem: I am a child states that... that... gulp... that the record is yields 14) “Midnite Deposit”—Ill Will, 1981, of print media. This means i see the world as “100% POP.” Ack! I am ruined! My mad quest but also 15) “Stop Beating Around the Mulberry being composed of four primary colors of ink: to empirically prove my floor punk has just run Bush”—Bill Haley & His Comets, 1952, and Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and Black (white we get out of floor wax. That is to say that i’ve got... sure, the Comets generally rock (they remain, to for free!)—otherwise known as the CMYK wait for it... “No Future™” (19) “No Future this very day, one of the best live bands i’ve ever color model. But! These bewildered young for you”—Sex Pistols, “God Save the Queen,” seen), but, uh, Mulberries kind of don’t. Bushes whippersnappers in class with me, they don’t 1977). Thanks a lot, you’ve been great. SURELY don’t (16) 41st President—1989- know shit about the printed page. They’re chil- Enjoy Head East. dren of the Computer Age. They see the world 1993; 17) 43rd President—2001-2005; 18) as being composed of three colors of tiny light –Løve, Nørb 14 LLLL EE SWW RRS CCAA IDEE TTHHEE DDOOGG AA MMOONNKKEEYY TTOO RRID AANN SSEE Everything you read in the New York Times or see on CNN is propaganda. The biggest piece of propaganda of all time is the Bible. here I was, the poster boy for the independent media, conducting an Fast forward a year. The war in Iraq rages on. US soldiers die every interview for a magazine that I helped to start, that I write for, edit, day. Congress orders an investigation into Cheney’s ties to Halliburton. It TTdo graphic design for, wrangle distribution for, drive to the printer, comes out that Halliburton still pays Cheney an annual salary of $162,392. take home from the printer, box up and mail out to stores and distributors, On top of that, he owns over $18,000,000 in Halliburton stock. and so on. Standing next to me was another independent media poster boy, Halliburton secured another one billion dollar contract in Iraq, on top of Todd Taylor. Todd was there to take pictures for a magazine that he helped the $1.25 billion no-bid contract that Waxman and I had talked about. So to start, that he writes for, does graphic design for, wrangles advertising Cheney’s company is currently drilling oil in Iraq, and US citizens are for, drives to the printer, takes home from the printer, and, well, you get now paying, on average, about an extra buck a gallon for gas. After a year the point. Todd and I were both wearing bowling shirts. It wasn’t inten- of searching, the US military is still unable to find any weapons of mass tional so much as, when you meet a US Congressman, you want to look destruction, and, really, if Iraq had any WMDs, wouldn’t they have used presentable. The most presentable thing either of us had when we left our them when the US first invaded? No evidence of any Iraqi nuclear respective apartments that morning was a bowling shirt. After all, they weapons program was found. The best reason the Bush administration can button up and have a collar. Anyway, I stood there in my bowling shirt come up with for all this death and destruction is that Saddam Hussein interviewing Congressman Henry Waxman. We were in a lush Malibu was a bad guy. Still no one in the mass media pays any attention to state park. It had taken me two months to get this ten minutes with Waxman and his mountain of evidence. It never really made a bleep on the Waxman. I had a lot of questions for him. He had a lot of answers for me. national news radar. The congressional aide who stood at Waxman’s elbow kept looking at his In the meantime, Michael Moore has released the documentary watch and tugging on Waxman’s arm. Waxman kept shrugging the aide Fahrenheit 9/11. The documentary seeks to fill the huge gaps that the cor- off, because Waxman had been trying to drum up press about this stuff for porate media has left in their coverage of the Bush administration and the months, and if the only person who would talk to him about it was a punk war in Iraq. Despite the fact that most of the sources Moore used in the rocker in a bowling shirt, if the only magazine that would run an article on movie were mainstream news sources, and despite the fact that Moore this was Razorcake, if the only people who’d read about it were hired fact checkers from the New York Times to verify the information in Razorcake’s ten thousand readers, so be it. Waxman at least had an audi- his movie, Fahrenheit 9/11 was immediately attacked in the mass media ence, and he was willing to talk. as being propaganda. This made me think more about propaganda, what it So what was Waxman so gung ho to tell me and what was I so gung is, and how it’s used. ho to hear? In a nutshell, President George W. Bush had fabricated reasons The first question: is Fahrenheit 9/11 propaganda? The answer: yes. to invade Iraq, and Vice President Dick Cheney’s former oil company, That movie is definitely propaganda. By definition, propaganda is the sys- Halliburton, got the contract to take over the oil fields of Iraq once the US tematic dispersal of a belief. Michael Moore believes that Bush is a lousy took over the country. If you looked closely at the situation, the only ver- president. He disperses this belief through his movie. That makes his ifiable reason for invading Iraq was to take over the oil fields. Even before movie propaganda. By the same token, every journalist has certain beliefs. the war started, the CIA, the UN, and every other agency in a position to Those beliefs filter into his reporting, and that makes his report propagan- know knew that there were no weapons of mass destruction, there was no da. This article I’m writing is propaganda. Everything you read in the New Iraqi nuclear weapons program, there was no link between Iraq and al York Times or see on CNN is propaganda. The biggest piece of propagan- Quaeda, and Saddam posed no threat. Waxman did look closely. He post- da of all time is the Bible. ed all the relevant government documents on his web site. You could read That said, propaganda isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Our views on the de-classified intelligence reports; you could read Halliburton’s no-bid everything in the world that we can’t see through our own eyes come to contract (the one where the US gave them over a billion dollars to pump us through propaganda. Everything we know about, say, Iraq, we know Iraqi oil); you could read the forged intelligence that claimed Iraq was try- from news reports (assuming that most of us have never been there). ing to buy uranium from Niger. Waxman made it easy for reporters to When those reporters went to Iraq to report on it, they all had their own cover the situation, and one of the only bites he got was a punk rocker in belief system. That system inevitably filtered into their reports. That made a bowling shirt. their reports propaganda. And that’s fine. You can’t expect people to com- As the interview narrowed down, I asked Waxman why no one was pletely abandon their beliefs when writing. The best you can do is recog- covering this story. “I don’t understand why this isn’t a bigger story,” he nize that it’s all propaganda and think critically about the news you told me. “The press has not—with some exceptions—given this story the receive. So how do we do that? attention it deserves.” So, in other words, he just rephrased the question in a form of an There are essentially two kinds of propaganda that we’re faced with. answer. I asked him again, more directly, “Do you have any theories as to The first is a rational propaganda driven by enlightened self-interest. In

SEAN CARSWELL SEAN why?” other words, it represents a belief, but the argument is logical and it would “No,” Waxman said. And with that Waxman gave in to the aide tug- be in the best interests of society to act according to these beliefs. Part of ging on his arm. Fahrenheit 9/11 is propaganda driven by enlightened self-interest. At the I rode home from Malibu thinking about my own theories as to why beginning of the movie, Moore revisited the 2000 presidential election in no one was covering this story. I started to ask myself the larger questions, Florida. He criticizes the Florida state government for banning thousands like what is news? Who decides what to cover and what not to cover? Do of legitimate Black voters from voting. His propaganda was to propagate we have a free media in this country, or are the big media corporations the belief that registered Black voters should be allowed to vote. The logic really just PR firms for government and big business? Has it all dwindled is solid. It works like this: registered voters should be allowed to vote, down to the lowest form of propaganda? regardless of their race. Black voters are registered voters. Therefore, they should be allowed to vote. The premise is true and the conclusion drawn It took me two months to get that interview with Waxman. It took is logical. Check the modus ponens, brother. It’s tight. In order to qualify another two months before that interview ran in Razorcake #15. I still beat as enlightened self-interest, the next step would be to decide whether or CNN to the punch on covering the story. not it’s in the best interest of society to allow Black people to vote, and, obviously, it is. Everyone who lives in a society deserves an equal say in The implications of that are scary, and the gist of the argument is rock how that society is run. Black people live in this society, so Black people solid. The mere fact that the best the Star could do in trying to refute deserve an equal say. Fahrenheit 9/11 was to try to nit pick how many Saudis were questioned So yes, it’s propaganda, but if everyone acted according to this type before the White House flew them out of the country speaks well of how of enlightened self-interest, then society would be a utopia. (This isn’t just factually solid Fahrenheit 9/11 probably is. The truth is, no issue of the my belief, by the way. I’m paraphrasing most of this from Aldous Ventura County Star could hold up to the scrutiny that Moore’s film has Huxley’s essay “Propaganda in a Democratic Society.”) You really can’t been withstanding. So why are newspapers like the Star trying so hard to attack Moore for this particular argument. Yet Moore was attacked relent- attack Fahrenheit 9/11? Why are they putting the word “fiction” right next lessly for his propaganda. The same news media that completely ignored to the title of Moore’s movie in the headline for their article on Fahrenheit Waxman’s irrefutable evidence about a false war dedicated a small for- 9/11, when the fact is, they didn’t find any fiction? Could it be that papers est’s worth of paper to calling Fahrenheit 9/11 propaganda. Why is that? like the Star are humiliated by a movie like Fahrenheit 9/11? Is there any Well, the answer starts to emerge when we look at the second kind of way Moore could’ve made a documentary showing such glaring holes in propaganda, which is geared towards gratifying the basest passions of the mass media’s coverage of the Bush administration without the mass those in power. For example, Bush and Cheney are getting richer off the media getting defensive about the documentary? Could it be that papers war in Iraq. When they keep insisting that the war in Iraq is a good thing, like the Star are feeding us propaganda that’s worse than Moore’s propa- they’re spreading propaganda to satisfy their own greed. Greed is one of ganda because the newspapers’ propaganda is fueled by the base impuls-

(above) GOOD PROPAGANDA, BAD PROPAGANDA, OR JUST FUNNY? A COMIC BY THE DRUNKEN MASTER HIMSELF, kIYOSHI NAKAZAWA. those base passions. It’s also reasonable to believe that George W. Bush es of jealousy and humiliation? These questions bring us back to the def- may have wanted vengeance on Saddam Hussein. After all, Hussein tried inition of the second kind of propaganda. to kill Bush’s father. So part of Bush’s motivation in insisting that the war In “Propaganda in a Democratic Society,” Aldous Huxley wrote: in Iraq is a good thing could be vengeance, which is also a base passion. And, back to Fahrenheit 9/11, there were a lot of attacks on the movie in Propaganda in favor of action dictated by the impulses that the press, but those attacks were characteristically weak. are below self-interest offers false, garbled or incomplete evi- For example, my local newspaper, the Ventura County Star, ran an dence, avoids logical argument and seeks to influence its victims article titled “Research Reveals Facts, Fictions in ‘Fahrenheit.’” The by the mere repetition of catchwords, by furious denunciations of authors of the article found only one “fiction” in Moore’s movie. In the foreign or domestic scapegoats, and by cunningly associating the movie, Moore claims that after the September 11th attacks, when no one lowest passions with the highest ideals, so that atrocities come to was allowed to leave the US by plane, the US government flew 142 Saudi be perpetuated in the name of God and the most cynical kind of Arabian nationals out of the US. Among those Saudis were members of Realpolitik is treated as a matter of religious principle and patri- the bin Laden family. Since the majority of the people involved in the otic duty. th September 11 attacks were Saudis—including the leader, Osama bin It’s a pretty heavy quote, I know, but basically Huxley is warning us Laden—Moore argues that they should’ve been retained for questioning. to be wary of propaganda that’s driven by base emotions like greed, jeal- The Ventura County Star disputes Moore’s point by saying: ousy, humiliation, and vengeance. He’s also giving us the outline of a model that democratic administrations use to spread propaganda. In short, In the film, Craig Unger, author to the book House of Bush,

they avoid logic, give incomplete information, create scapegoats, and SEAN CARSWELL House of Saud, tells Moore that none of the Saudis underwent repeat catchwords a lot. This is the lowest form of propaganda. This is serious scrutiny. mind control. This is what we all need to look out for. “So a little interview, check the passport, what else?” Moore First off, does Moore’s movie adhere to this definition? Well, he does asks. make a scapegoat out of George W. Bush. The evidence he uses is incom- “Nothing,” Unger replies. plete, though to give a complete argument of as many topics as he The Sept. 11 commission’s interim report said law enforce- addresses in Fahrenheit 9/11 would be impossible in the context of a two ment interviewed 30 of the 142 Saudis, including 22 of the 26 hour movie. However, his arguments are logical and he avoids the repeti- people on the flight that took most of the bin Laden relatives out tion of catchwords. Applying the last part of Huxley’s definition is tricky. of the country. The report says none was of interest to the investi- Is Moore associating low passions with high ideals? Is he trying to act like gation. he’s fighting for a better society by ousting an awful president, when in reality, he’s really just trying to make a bunch of money? Well, Moore did So basically, the Star’s argument is that Moore insinuated that none of make a lot of money off of this movie. But was this his motivation? It’s the Saudis flown out of the US were questioned, when in fact, 30 of the always tough to speculate on what motivates people, and it is possible that 142 were questioned. And, according to the Star, that’s the “fiction” of Moore was motivated by base passions like greed and ego. Still, Moore is Fahrenheit 9/11. It’s a weak argument, though, because Moore doesn’t an Academy Award winning filmmaker. He’s wealthy and well-connect- claim that the Saudis should’ve been questioned, he argues that they ed. If he was really motivated by greed and ego, it would be much easier should have been retained for questioning. It’s a reasonable argument. If for him to put his politics on a shelf and direct big budget action films. So your brother plotted an attack on the World Trade Center that killed thou- the argument that his high ideals are motivated by low passions is hard to sands of people, you can bet that the FBI would question you. Not only justify. that, they would tell you not to leave the country until the investigation So how do we recognize this low propaganda in its purest form? Well, was over. That’s the way our law enforcement system works, and, in this let’s take a look over at Fox News. They seem to be operating on the particular case, it’s reasonable. But not only were the bin Ladens not model that Huxley outlined. Here’s an example. retained, they were actively flown out of the US by the US government. Recently, the Republicans in Congress put forth a bill 15 requesting $87 billion for reconstruction in Iraq. They proposed to pay for logical arguments and seek to influence its victims by mere repetition of this bill by rolling back the tax cuts that the Bush administration pushed catchwords? Yes. Twenty-two instances of news anchors repeating the through Congress last year. Senator John Kerry had argued that these tax term “flip-flop” would certainly qualify as a repetition of a catchword. cuts—which have taken millions of dollars out of education, health care, Does Fox News furiously denounce a foreign or domestic scapegoat? Yes. and social security—needed to be rolled back, so he voted in favor of the They make Kerry a scapegoat, and when they call him, “An opportunistic bill. From his perspective, it was a win/win proposition. The soldiers in flip-flopper who doesn’t have any principles,” (as one Fox News anchor Iraq could be fully funded while social services could get back their fund- did) that denunciation can be qualified as furious. Lastly, does Fox News ing, and it would be financed by making the wealthiest Americans pay the associate the lowest passions with the highest ideals? Well, again, moti- same percentage of taxes that they’d paid in 2002. When the final version vations are a hard thing to judge. I don’t know what Fox News’s motiva- of the bill came to a vote on the Senate floor, the $87 billion dollars for tion is. I know this. Fox News has been lobbying Congress to allow Fox SEAN CARSWELL Iraq were still there, but the tax cuts were no longer being rolled back. to own a larger share of the television and radio news market. Current Now, the bill would have to be funded by raiding even more money from anti-trust laws forbid this. Michael Powell, the Bush-appointed head of the education, health care, and social security. So Kerry voted against the bill. FCC, sought to change these anti-trust laws and allow Fox to own more This is very typical of how Congress works. of the media. Congress voted against this, but the fact remains that Bush’s The Bush campaign, however, attacked Kerry for this. In a campaign appointee did what he could to allow Fox to own more of the media. Fox speech, Bush criticized Kerry for “flip-flopping,” for changing his opin- followed this up by being very gentle on their coverage of George W. ions on matters of state. As an example, Bush used this $87 billion recon- Bush, going so far as to appoint Carl Cameron, who’s wife actively cam- struction bill. He said, “Here’s what [Kerry] said, ‘I actually did vote for paigns for George W. Bush, as the senior political reporter on the George the 87 billion before I voted against it.’” The crowd at the rally laughed, W. Bush campaign. Fox News even let Bush’s cousin, John Ellis, predict presumably at how stupid Kerry is. Around the same time, in a campaign (erroneously) Florida as voting for Bush in the election night coverage of speech, Dick Cheney attacked Kerry for the same bill, saying, “Senator the 2000 presidential election. So is Fox supporting Bush so that Bush will Kerry recently said, quote, ‘I actually did vote for the 87 billion dollar allow Fox to own more of the media, and therefore make more money? Is [sic] before I voted against it.’” Again, the crowd laughed. Fox associating the high ideal of journalistic integrity with the low pas- In the documentary Outfoxed, filmmaker Robert Greenwald demon- sion of greed? It’s reasonable to assume that they are, but that’s just an strates how Fox News covered this sound bite by Bush and Cheney. Fox assumption. Again, it’s very difficult to say what motivates people. News showed both of the aforementioned speeches, cutting away after the In the end, it all goes back to me standing there in my bowling shirt, laughter. Then, Outfoxed shows a montage of 22 instances where Fox interviewing Congressman Henry Waxman, asking him why a false justi- News repeated the term “flip-flop” in relation to Kerry. Greenwald even fication for war and obscene wartime profiteering by the Vice President shows a Fox internal memo where Fox News Senior Vice President John wasn’t news. Because what qualifies as news? Why are false pretenses for Moody encourages his journalists to focus on Kerry’s “flip-flopping vot- a hundred billion dollar war not news, but Kerry’s decision to vote for ing record.” funding of the war, then vote against it, is? Why are furious denunciations So how does the coverage of this particular issue hold up to Huxley’s of Fahrenheit 9/11 news, but the quiet points Moore makes about the pres- propaganda model? Does it “offer false, garbled or incomplete evidence”? ident’s family and their ties to the family of America’s number one enemy, Yes. Kerry agreed to vote in favor of the bill on the condition that rolled Osama bin Laden, are not news? It’s because the propaganda model that back tax cuts would fund it. When that condition was eliminated, Kerry Aldous Huxley explained in 1958 still holds true in 2004. And it’s up to changed his vote. That’s a key piece of evidence because it shows that us to recognize this when we see it. Kerry never changed his mind. He stood by his principles through both –Sean Carswell votes. That’s not flip-flopping. Next, does Fox News’s coverage avoid DYY DDD AA WHHEENN IIDDLLEE MM SSHHIIFFTTLLEESSSS W

I thought I was the coolest thirteen-yyear-oold ever. I was going to volunteer for a presidential campaign AND I had a thermos full of Spaghettios! reetings young voters, NASCAR dads I guess I should just come out and say it: I backing boy who, politics notwithstanding, I had and volleyball moms! By the time you was a thirteen-year-old volunteer for the 1992 a crush on), I knew it was time! Time to take GGread this, Dennis Kucinich will no doubt Clinton campaign! Yes, shred my IWW mem- back this country! Time to stand up for the ideals be gliding his way to an easy victory, since most bership card and cancel my subscription to of this great nation! Time to call Milwaukee’s Americans want free health insurance and don’t Maximum Rocknroll! I helped elect Bill Clinton/Gore headquarters! And you thought want to have anything to do with Iraq! Yes, we Clinton—when I wasn’t busy watching Silver YOU were punk! are about to usher in a golden age, roughly Spoons and wishing I owned pink stretch pants. The person who answered the phone said to equivalent to the early ‘80s hardcore scene! Allow me to explain. Growing up in my just show up on Saturday, and so that Saturday Kucinich is the new Ian McKaye! Howard Zinn family, you couldn’t avoid political discussions. morning, my dad drove me downtown after is busy preparing the pit, and Michael Moore is Every night we’d watch the nightly news while packing me a special lunch. On the ride over I the new, uh, Henry Rollins? Ah, how quickly the eating dinner and my parents would provide a thought I was the coolest thirteen-year-old ever. metaphors break down in these difficult times! running commentary. You could just say they I was going to volunteer for a presidential cam- MADDY

Anyway, I’m sure that approximately 11.5 were Democrats and leave it at that, but the truth paign AND I had a thermos full of Spaghettios! percent of Razorcake readers are now saying, was more complicated and included the fact that When we arrived, I was greeted with great “Totally punk rock! That’s like, dudical, dude! I they were both registered Socialists while in interest and enthusiasm. “Wow! You’re thirteen had no idea!” I base this assumption on the fact grad school. And, when my sister had to ask my and you want to volunteer? That’s so cool!” I that an anonymous punk recently asked me to dad what his favorite song was for a first grade immediately became the poster child of the explain what John Kerry thinks because he “has- school project he said, “The International,” Milwaukee Clinton/Gore headquarters. I mean, n’t had time to really pay attention to the news which was also my mom’s lullaby of choice for how many thirteen-year-olds want to spend their lately.” D’oh! us when we were little. Saturdays engaged in presidential politicking? So, while some of us are too busy (read: But by the time I was in grade school they They set me to work right away, mailing out drunk) to pay attention to politics, plenty of were…voting for Dukakis! The horror! And, invitations to events and requests for funds. other people are getting involved, even if all that like most kids, I believed what my parents Then I started going out with other volunteers, means is throwing empty cans of Sparks at the believed. Lucky for me, my parents believed handing out yard signs. A few weeks later, I TV during the local news and saying at least that everyone deserves a decent wage, health started calling potential voters, explaining the twice a day, “Can I really live with myself if I care and a reasonable weekly supply of Happy issues to them, and why Clinton was Their Man. vote for Kerry?” Meals (preferably with chicken nuggets). Yes, I made calls explaining Clinton’s position In troubled times like these, it’s important to So by the time the 1992 elections rolled on the environment and the federal deficit. And look back on the work of activists in previous around, I was ready to get involved! After a I loved it! Soon, I was spending most of my elections to gain inspiration and hope. And so, I failed attempt to become a Senate page (which weekends at the headquarters. I started wearing present to you: the shameful grade school would have been good for at least three issues of a Clinton/Gore t-shirt with an American flag on involvement of Ms. Tight Pants in the political Tight Pants!), and numerous debates with my it that practically came down to my knees. I even arena! classmates (including a feud with one Bush- wore it to bed. I missed trick’r’treating or the 16 first time because I decided that calling potential That morning, I woke up early and put on That photo would have been plastered all over voters was more important (and the older volun- what could best be described as the most ridicu- the convention hall as I accepted the presidential teers bought me candy)! lous and embarrassing outfit I have ever worn: nomination. Even my Republican opponent I was obsessed with Bill Clinton! I couldn’t white stretch pants, my Clinton/Gore shirt, socks would begrudgingly admit that I was “clearly a get enough! I started taping Meet the Press and decorated with tiny American flags, red, white patriotic thirteen-year-old.” I would have served watching it when I got home from volunteering and blue jelly bracelets, and, for my hair…tons my country with honor and pride, and instituted Sunday nights. I read Al Gore’s environmental of ribbons that were—you guessed it—red, free sour gummi worms for everyone over the treatise Earth in the Balance. I dreamt of being white and blue. In retrospect, I must have looked age of two and mandatory bouncy castle training a White House intern! I was addicted! like Pat Buchanan’s best friend and Woody in the public schools. I would have saved this So, I took the next logical step—and trans- Guthrie’s worst enemy. I was on America over- country! formed an empty closet next to my bedroom load! And I was ready to go! Unfortunately, all my dreams were dashed into… the Clinton room! Yes, I was slowly We showed up at the hotel and were told to when, a year later, I started to realize that I hated becoming insane! My sister (who was not a vol- stand behind a thick rope protected by dozens of Clinton. And a year after that, I started calling unteer, but was always willing to go along with security guards. An hour went by, and no sign of myself an anarchist and started checking out whatever ridiculous idea I had) and I painted the Clinton. Another hour, and my dad, who was books like Emma Goldman’s Living My Life walls white, and then wrote phrases in green, undergoing radiation for cancer at the time, was from the library. My days of Democratic excite-

purple and pink markers. Phrases like “universal completely exhausted and said he needed to ment had ended. But, at my mom’s house, if you MADDY health care,” “more jobs,” and “end poverty.” leave. But I could not depart without seeing my go upstairs, and open the second door to your And then we cut out photos of Clinton from the idol! In my blind devotion to all things right, you’ll find yourself in the lasting testa- newspaper and made collages, framed them, and Democrat, I convinced my ever-sacrificing dad ment to my youthful idealism: The Clinton hung them up. Note: I am not making this up! to stay for fifteen more minutes. And then, I saw Room. Most of the collages have since fallen off We even dreamed of fixing up the closet into a something out of the corner of my eye. A flurry the walls, and the writing has faded, but in the functional room. I placed a call to a drywall con- of activity! The crowd started to cheer! I felt my event that I ever lead a militant movement of tractor to repair a gaping hole in the wall to heart beat faster and faster and my patriotic rib- workers demanding better wages and working make room for more slogans! When he was bons jumped up and down as I struggled to see conditions, I’m sure the FBI, in an effort to dis- halfway through his estimate, he realized he was past the crowd! All of a sudden, I saw someone credit me, will distribute photos of the room to talking to a seventh grader, and hung up. pointing at me. He was dressed in a dark suit fellow activists. Soon, no one will believe my But finally all my hard work was to be with a bright blue tie. It was Bill Clinton! Before cries of “Solidarity!” and “Class War!” Instead, rewarded. Clinton announced a campaign stop in I realized what was happening, he gestured for they’ll say, “We can’t trust anyone who ever Milwaukee! I scored tickets to the stadium-seat- me to scoot under the ropes and shake his hand. wrote ‘Clinton/Gore: Don’t Stop Thinking ing rally, but decided that was not enough. So I I have no recollection of what he said, except About Tomorrow’ on their closet wall. For helped organize supporters to meet Clinton’s that he was very, very tall, and I felt so excited I shame!” plane as it touched down at a small airport out- thought I was going to puke. I even got his sig- –Maddy side the city, and was there when it landed, nature somehow. A minute later, it was all over. although I only caught a fleeting glimpse of him. But, to this day, the biggest regret of my life P.S. The Marked Men make me believe in rock The next day, I convinced my dad to take me to is that neither my dad nor I thought to bring a and roll again! They are currently the best band a hotel where Clinton was expected to make an camera. With a photo like that, I could have been in the world! Send Marked Men collages to me appearance. president someday! Hey, it worked for Clinton! at: PO Box 100882, Milwaukee, WI 53210 RR EE G RRG EE BB N RRN OO E MMYY HHOORRNN HH SSQQUUEEEEZZE Y RRY AA GG

In a way, I liked it, but it makes me feel icky to say that.

would like to start this issue with a congratulation to my friend Jeff Banks. Jeff and his wife are cel- IIebrating the arrival of their son Jefferson Montgomery Banks, affectionately referred to as “Monty.” I can only hope that this has no correlation to the character in Easy Money. We can only hope that little Monty will forge a similar path as you in the life of rock and law. The past few months have brought a new fasci- nation to me. With the price of gas reaching new highs, I refuse to give money to nations that just plain don’t like me, so I’ve taken up riding a bike to work. It’s roughly eight miles there and eight miles back and it takes me thirty-five to forty minutes to make the eight-mile ride. The cool thing is that it’s great exercise, and it makes the first few hours at work go by in a flash because of the adrenaline rush. The route is two main streets and a creek bed. Most of it is flat so the ride is easy and fast. Now you may ask, “Why is this important enough to write about?” Well, it’s because I’ve got plenty of time to think on these rides and there aren’t really any other dumb drivers on the roadways to get a good case of road rage going every morning. There is, however, plenty to look at on the way down the creek bed. The creek path is made for bikers and it butts up to the back of the La Mirada/ Santa Fe Springs industrial sections. It is here where I find it funny and sad to make ten-minute reflections

GARY HORNBERGER on the world I live in. One Monday morning, I pulled off the street and onto the creek path. I went down and under and back up. Upon reaching the flat, I looked down into the creek to see large wooden spindles strewn all over in the corner and nearing the linen and clothes- All this crap goes into the creek and gets the basin. During the weekend, a group had decided cleaning business, where it seems the workers washed into the ocean. I know because I’ve to toss them over the fence from the furniture manu- couldn’t wait to get started on the weekend’s ridden the same bed all the way to the beach. facturing business. Down into the creek bed they beer drinking and barbecue festivities. Just before the 405 freeway, the channel stops rolled. These are the spindles that are often turned on Scattered about on the edge of the path I being concrete and widens into a sort of wet- their sides and used as cheap furniture tables. I also counted some thirteen-odd cases of Coors lands river, but just before it, there’s a net noticed, strewn about, were smaller spindles of col- Light and one burned-out barbecue. I could spread out across the channel to catch large ored wire. Don’t worry about those. On the ride see my exit out of the dumping grounds of objects before they get into the river. Now, by home, I noticed those had all been retrieved. this over-polluted hell just up ahead, yet I still “large,” I mean like a playground rubber ball. Apparently, someone found value in that trash. Now looked down into the abyss to see that the Smaller than that and you’re through. So if I a little farther down, roughly the distance of three workers on the other side had the same pre- was, say, an oil can, I’m in. What may be buildings, I found that someone decided a thirteen- weekend bender, only the beer of choice was funny about the whole thing is the same peo- inch TV that no longer worked would be fun fodder Bud Light. ple throwing things in upstream may be the for the creek, and what the hell, we’ll throw a com- As I was on my ascent out of the creek ones going to the beach, playing in the water puter keyboard and some other small electrical appli- bed and back onto the car-busy streets, where and going home feeling sick. Now what’s that ances in as well. The only thing I can think is that I expect trash to be thrown out windows and they say about payback? these people were thinking about those poor Chinese to arrive in nice piles in the roadway medians, kids that get pennies a day to strip the boatloads of I turned to my left to looked at the trucks THE MILKMAN MURDERS #1 scrap electronics we Americans send over on a regu- docked in the back of the last business before $2.99 U.S. lar basis. Yeah right. the street. It’s a paint shop. I think it’s Honestly, I bought this because I work in Then I peddled fast, under a street, under the I-5 Sherwin Williams. There on the side of the a milkbox and figured this had the possibility freeway, and under another street and on the flat truck is their logo and it makes me laugh. of helping me vent some frustrations. again at the Santa Fe Springs swap meet. I rode “Cover the World in Paint.” Of course, there’s Unfortunately, after reading it I’m going to through the glop of oil and food wrappers along with a big bucket of paint pouring out over the have to say no. That’s not to say it’s a bad the empty toy packages that some little brat couldn’t globe. I once read a comic that read “Pave the comic. Quite the contrary. Since it’s a first wait until he/she got home to unwrap. Fricken spoiled Planet” and noted the sarcasm. Do you think issue, it’s a build-up issue. No murders yet, 18 tots! Still a little farther, I rode around that this company does the same? but after the introductions, you just can’t wait GARY HORNBERGER I’ve read Mike’s work before and it never I’ve read Mike’s preacher, Judd. We know something of his something know We Judd. preacher, was retarded sister, he had a a kid, past—as Halloween On one Halloween. and liked poor, or treating, his sister went out trick night he and with her head day she was found and the next was stolen. and all of her candy bashed, raped, a preacher he’s is all grown up and Now Judd God training. retarded girls needed because the daughter in widow and her retarded He finds a give her some and he goes out to a remote area So he woos the God training on Halloween. but train the daughter, widow into letting him when he wants the woman becomes suspicious A treating. to take her out trick or fight starts, he the daughter, chases out to find kills the widow, at this point we find and kills her too. Of course, sister years the one who did in his own out he’s that makes So there you have it, a comic prior. and murderers. In a hillbillies out to be rapists feel icky to say I liked it, but it makes me way, Urbana, IL Drive Triumph Press, 9 that. (Avatar 61802; www.avatarpress.com) COLDHANDSDEADHEART #18 Twohig $2.00 U.S. by Mike This is a small work filled me. stops baffling To with observations and personal experiences. be able to describe any of it would be futile. a There is one story that he tells that I can draw about delivering the paper on parallel with. It’s The rest of his route and getting paid pennies. strange, and bitter, what is in here is funny, some good reading for the enlightening. It’s 72-1 Twohig, short forum. (Mike Meadow Farm South, North Chili, NY 14514; [email protected]) if you The X-Files The Mafia, a small town in Jersey, some in Jersey, The Mafia, a small town Finally, a comic that I don’t have to wait to comic that I don’t a Finally, are the masses who go along with the norm, with who go along masses are the there are and with themselves, only concerned to find for issue #2 wait I can’t who rebel. those gov- thing the new over-the-top out what other I love to share with the populace. ernment has c/o 2048, PO Class Zero (Working this comic. Binghamton, NYBox 1733, 13902; www.work- ingclasszero.com) PER HOUR, Color THOUSAND MILES 66 Special & #1 $3.50 U.S. and UFOs—I smell trampy friends and lovers, to really have You What a story line. victory! will steal your steak. pay attention or the dog to describe. One This story is too complicated to figure out one group of minute, you’re trying you’re thrown into some- things, then BLAM!, up with the Mafia guys? What’s thing else. after? Can you up with the guys they’re What’s her friend doing with her tell me what the hell is aliens and what Who the hell are the boyfriend? All I can say is that with all these are they after? cash #1 issues this month, I’m going to be out of me next month. Once again, a comic leaves going to hap- hanging, wanting to know what’s like a mild form of pen. It’s only watched forty-five minutes of the full hour. Get this one and wait ‘til next month. (True Believers Press, PO Box 974 New Brunswick, NJ 08903; www.dimestoreproductions.com) BY BIZARRE HANDS #1 $3.50 U.S. This is find out what happens and buy issue #2. The main character is a one sick fucking comic. Hell yes, it’s a world gone mad and it’s not a world gone mad and it’s Hell yes, it’s to see which degenerate gets it first. The great The it first. gets which degenerate to see it Will same roof. under the they all live part is sweet who seems we meet first mom who be the TV watching her all-American as pie while and, for whatever reason, cook can’t shows, yet house of ass- coexist within the continues to first—a crusty, the dad will be holes? Maybe who follows of Ralph Cramden vulgar version moon.” I say the threat of “to the through with a smart-ass, anger-mis- just He’s kill the son. do Yeah, haircut ass. managed, big-nosed, bowl in off the daughter who’s him first, then maybe it, That’s the PE teacher. her tubetop to screw milkman has At the end, the plain and simple. for issue #2 to see arrived and we’re waiting for this one is The build-up who gets it first. suit, this is gonna be a great. If the rest follow Horse Comics, Inc, hit for Dark Horse. (Dark Oregon Milwaukie, 10956 SE Main Street, 97222; www.darkhorse.com) A2048, MAD #1 WORLD GONE trade $3.00, $2.00 S&H/ will the even 2048. Punk rock and politics in This what I’m talking about. future—that’s it in comic takes the Bush administration, rams can your face, and then shows you what you even get a You expect if you elect him again. poster to put in You” Watching free “Bush Is The comic your front lawn or on a street pole. starts at a punk show that gets way out of hand, up then we get a brief history of events leading I love about this one is all the What to 2048. America right now things that are wrong with are amplified in the future. Bush basically he rewrites the constitu- becomes King George, Also, there owns everything. Wal-Mart tion, and LLEE AA DD DD EE AATT NN ST IITT GG II’’MM AAGGAAIINNST SSII E DDE

Total charges? Thirteen counts of lewd acts upon a child under fourteen and sixteen counts of oral copulation with a minor. And let's keep in mind that these twenty-nine counts are what have consciously been recorded on this offender's rap sheet.

You ever get that overwhelm- fer to call it “branded at birth” sentiment during his speech before man! After we all dug around inside ing feeling rolling down from the (thanks, Bill!). Yeah, my dad was the slide show: “The younger mem- the full grocery sack in his closet, top of your neck, all the way down the traditional Catholic—Catholic bers of the family need to turn off we each grabbed our allotted bag, your back? It usually happens when grammar school, Catholic high the radio, put away the KISS made our way downstairs and out- you get an afterthought of some- school, and the continuance of albums, and start spending more side, told Father Mike thanks, thing that almost happened to you, attending mass every Sunday there- time with their family.” I thought jumped on our bikes, and split. I be it life threatening or extremely on. So, in natural progression, his what he said was ridiculous, being think about that day now after creepy. family to follow would become tiny that KISS was my whole universe reflecting about what’s happened A couple of summers back, I’d spurs in the big cog of Catholicism, back then as a kid growing up. with Baker recently. Here I was: a encountered this sensation upon too. Even my dad looked over at me kid inside the lion’s den, rooting hearing of yet another Catholic Fast forward a bit: The year’s down the pew and smirked, know- around inside his closet for a ten- priest (former priest now) being 1980. I’m now ten years old and ing how much that band meant to pack of 3 Musketeers bars, no less. brought up on charges of getting his our family has been attending me. But there’s another reason as to I’m telling you, it flat out gives sickening rocks off with different church at St. Paul of the Cross in La why I remembered this particular me the creeps just writing about it, boys over a number of years. Total Mirada, California. Seeing how my evening. When Mike was done with yet I can’t even begin to imagine charges? Thirteen counts of lewd older brother is an altar boy here, I his speech, he sat down between the feelings of Matthew Severson, acts upon a child under fourteen, figure it’d be cool to do the same, my family, next to me. How conve- one of the unfortunate victims of and sixteen counts of oral copula- too. Enter Father Mike. Yeah, that nient. The lights went down and the Baker’s escapades. And Matthew’s tion with a minor. And let’s keep in Mike, the one I was speaking about slides began. During the presenta- victimization from Baker lasted ten mind that these twenty-nine counts earlier. I served many a mass with tion, Feeler Mike gave my leg a whole years. To peg the Creep-O- are what have consciously been Mikey boy for a few years back couple of lovingly squeezes, the Meter even further, guess which recorded on this offender’s rap then, and nothing gave me the rea- kind your mom or grandma gives church Severson belonged to? sheet. One can’t help but wonder son to think that his hands (and god you when you sit closely alongside That’s right, St. Paul of the Cross in how many other unnamed skeletons knows what else) were playing hide ‘em. I honestly thought at the time La Mirada—the same church I used lurk in the creep’s closet. The name ‘n’ seek with some poor, unsuspect- that that’s what they were—the to belong to. Upon hearing of this sorry-ass excuse for a human ing boys for a number of years. same kind of affection shared like Matthew’s story when he came for- being? Michael Stephen Baker. Luckily, for the time he was at our that of my mom or grandma. No big ward a few years back, it brought Seems the sordid past of Father parish, I never became a notch in deal, right? It’s weird in retrospect, on feelings of utter helplessness Mike has finally caught up with Father Mike’s collar. And I can ‘cause I was taught early on how to and claustrophobia within, as well him, even if he did in fact confide guarantee, without a doubt in my tell if someone’s invading my per- as deep feelings of disgust and rage his inexcusable indulgences some mind, that if my brother or I were to sonal space, so to speak. As inno- deep inside. I mean, Matthew is years back to one of his superiors, become a notch or two in that man’s cent as it all sounds, I’d love to only three years older than myself, Roger M. Mahony. As far as I’m collar, my father would have suc- know what was going on inside of exactly my brother’s age. Strange concerned, Mahony stands guilty cumbed to his cancer in a prison Baker’s bent brain when the son of thing is, no one in my family, just as much as Baker for his not infirmary rather than at home like a bitch was getting his grasp on, including me, can recall exactly DESIGNATED DALE turning over a stick of evidence nor he did over two years ago. Think of courtesy of my leg. Makes me who Matthew was, yet his last saying one damn syllable to anyone a 6’1” man with the temper of frickin’ nauseous. name sounds vaguely familiar. That once he got wind of what was doin’ Sonny Corleone, holding a .38 The other instance I clearly overwhelming feeling I talked with Baker’s shenanigans. An Special and having no second remember is when about three or about at the beginning of this col- accomplice. Guilt by association. thoughts of wasting some derelict four of us altar boys were finishing umn? I’m feeling it, all right… in It’s the same logic that lawyers who’s wronged one of his children. cleaning up something in the spades. Cochran, Shapiro, and Co. are just Get the picture? church hall and Baker came Here’s what went down: as guilty as O.J. because of their Looking back now, I recall a strolling in, telling us what a great Severson’s abuse started in defending a murderer. Wrong is few instances that cause me to job we’d done. He told us all, “You December 1976 when his parents wrong. Am I the only one who sees shudder, the few instances that were look like you need some sugar,” were helping give a parish New it this way? Is it a bit of extreme right there under my ten-year-old and handed one of the boys some Year’s Eve party and Baker offered reasoning for some of you? Let me nose that I had no clue of at the keys. He told us to go upstairs to his to let nine-year-old Matthew stay back up a bit in order to explain my time. I vividly remember sitting at a bedroom in the rectory and for each overnight at the rectory. His par- personal feelings on the matter, slide presentation inside our church of us to pick out a bag of candy he ents, both lifelong Catholics, liked then. that Father Mike was speaking at has inside his closet. As we all ran the idea because the pastor was a 1970: Before I knew it after I one night. It was something along across the parking lot to the rectory, close family friend. At St. Paul’s, was born, my parents (more my the lines of “how families need to all I was thinking was what kind of Severson’s father often built things father, actually) had volunteered me spend more time communicating candy he had up in his room, ya for the church. His mother worked unto the Catholic faith by having together.” The main reason I know? I hadn’t the slightest thought in the rectory, cooking, cleaning, me baptized. And, for the record, remember this slide show is to anything else—I was an excited and acting as a secretary and event most may call it baptism, but I pre- because Father Mike reflected a kid who was promised some candy, organizer. That night in December, Baker insisted he share his bed with say he was the Son of God. questions. He wasn’t shoveling these unspeakable actions, because him. Severson said he remembers Severson recalled several times as a paranoia into our heads, just giving they don’t. It would be unfair to staring hard at a digital clock on a boy when he tried to tell his mother us a head start on what to expect as stereotype any and all priests bedside table, watching each what was happening. On one occa- we got older. Well, I was getting because of a handful of malcon- minute flash by, as his pajamas sion, they were in her car on the older, and I really started to have tents. But if Mahony or anyone else were removed and the priest’s way to church. His mother replied issues with the Catholic faith’s “just in his shoes were that concerned of hands roamed the boy’s body. “I that it was just typical roughhous- do it because that’s the way it is” situations like Baker’s, they’d root was horrified and I knew something ing by boys and that he was exag- policy when I felt I wanted to ask a out the problem directly and be was wrong,” Severson said. “I was gerating the situation. His mother, question about something. I done with it instead of pushing it too embarrassed to tell anyone. You Diane Severson, said Baker was explained this to my dad and out of the picture or throwing have to understand that Father then her friend and she trusted him. reminded him of what he instilled money at it. That’s like a cat trying Mike was like a rock star priest. I “As a parent, I look back in horror in us. Needless to say, he wasn’t too to scratch over their freshly-laid think even he saw himself as above that I did not do my part to protect happy about the idea of me splitting Kitty Rocha with six or seven gran- the church. He did not live like my child,” she said. Her son has on being a Catholic, but I told him ules of litter—it’s not gonna cut it. other priests.” As the abuse con- Here’s a fine example: While tinued, Severson said he tried to delving into the resources for this avoid the priest, but Baker column, I came upon some infor- manipulated his parents to keep mation that popped up at the time the now teenage boy close to him. this whole Michael Baker scan- “If I was too resistant or refused dal busted loose. Once again, the to be receptive or open to him in scenario is as enraging as it is those situations, he would com- disgusting: A secret $1.3-million plain about me to my family,” settlement was given to two men Severson said. His parents, wor- who were victim to Baker’s filth. ried that their son might fall in The victims’ attorney, Lynne M. with a bad crowd, encouraged Cadigan of Tucson, said the L.A. him to spend time with Baker Archdiocese insisted on a strict instead. Fox in the hen house sit- confidentiality clause. Simply uation, if you will. When Baker put: we (the archdiocese) pay, moved to another parish, St. you (the victims) shut up perma- Hillary in Pico Rivera, California, nently. The two victims, who are the family followed. Severson brothers in their twenties now, said the abuse finally stopped as alleged in a letter of complaint to he was graduating from high the archdiocese that they had school. “I was becoming increas- been repeatedly molested by ingly strong about resisting him Baker over fifteen years. By the and saying no,” he said. way, this little $1.3 mil deal was That same year, 1986, Baker approved by Mahony all the said he confided to Cardinal while Baker was bouncing Mahony, then a bishop, about around those nine parishes. It abusing children. Baker contin- must be nice to have available ued to have access to children cash to extinguish these trouble- over the next fourteen years while some little fires. Then again, DESIGNATED DALE he was assigned to nine parishes available cash must not be a around Los Angeles after attend- problem for the HCIC (Head ing a treatment center for Catholics In Charge) being that pedophile priests. Mahony $200 mil (yes, you read correct- arranged for Baker to quietly ly—two hundred million dollars) retire from the priesthood in late was spent on constructing their 2000 without notifying law “Our Lady of the Angels” cathe- enforcement authorities or inform- since forgiven her, but Diane said it’s something that I felt very dral in downtown Los Angeles. It’s ing parishioners about the alleged she will never forgive herself. strongly about. He had no choice such a nice reminder to the sexual- abuses. Way to go, Mahony. Baker Matthew said he came forward but to grudgingly respect my ly abused victims of Catholic wrote a letter to Severson in 1994 to reclaim some of the power that choice, and I respected his and priests every time they happen to that is now part of the court filing: was taken away from him as a whoever else’s choice to be a drive the L.A. freeways near down- “I am so glad that you have encoun- child. “I want an apology, not just Catholic, as well. I still do, but I’ll town. What a slap in the friggin’ tered therapy and a guide who can for me but for my family. My fami- still get into it from time to time face. help facilitate healing,” he wrote. ly was very, very devastated. It with people who aren’t digging “Through my own inner journey I really kind of tore us apart,” he what I have to say. I’m Against It have realized how my own imma- said, adding he went public at his For instance, don’t get me start- –Designated Dale ture emotions and psycho-sexual- mother’s encouragement. It makes ed on the Catholic ways of doing [email protected] screwed-up-ness slashed and me ill that Matthew was but one things based on tradition, like burned through those years of your patch on the crazy quilt Baker had priests not being able to marry or Special thanks to Mary Grant, one life seeking self-satisfaction in the assembled over the years. have children. It didn’t work upon of the founding members of the name of love.” (It sounds as if that As I got into my mid-teen its inception to the Catholic faith, California chapter of SNAP treatment center did the trick for years, I dropped out of the whole and it doesn’t work now. I’ve also (Survivors Network of those Abused Baker, didn’t it, Mahony? Maybe Catholic scene, not because of a come to suspect that their strong by Priests) Baker can even start his own lack of faith, but because I really views against birth control aren’t http://www.snapnetwork.org/ gallery of paintings, ala John started to understand how things in for moral reasons but to keep the Wayne Gacy. I can only hope his this world work politically. At a chain of weekly donating members And also to our pals over at first piece is something entitled, really young age, my father of the Catholic faith unbroken. PROTECT “Dead Cardinal & Suicidal Ex- instilled in us that you should never We’ve seen above in Matthew’s (National Organization Priest,” you jerk.) take things at face value if you truly case how morals play a part of their to Protect Children) Severson testified that during have any doubts, especially what’s faith. And for those of you wringing http://www.protect.org/ the alleged sex acts, Baker would in the newspaper or on the televi- your hands, no—I’m not implying compare him (Matthew) to Jesus or sion. When need be, always ask that all of the priests partake of 21 YY LLEE AAAA WW RSAATTIIOONNSS SS SWWIINNGGIINNGG DDOOOORR CCOONNVVEERS HH S TT SSEE

She had one of those wild-curved bodies that just screams out at you and turns the brain and muscles into a ball of mush.

PHOTO BY ALEJANDRO BALAGUER

Straight Street Music shoremen; well it all seemed a bit Anyway I’d be out on the patio tainment. What, you think you can surreal. bussing tables and I’d hear this sax- just sit here and eat?” I can still vividly remember I’d ride through the Quarter and ophone coming from down the “Yeah, pretty much,” I said, those early New Orleans morning the store owners would be unlock- street. Sometimes it’d be a cheesy smiling. rides to work. Even now, it’s almost ing their front doors and the city tune. Like the theme song from The “Oh, I’m just playing with ya.” as if it constantly hangs in my workers would be spraying down Godfather or Sesame Street; or The jazzman held the tenor sax memory, like a free-floating, sus- the sidewalks as the ferns from something by Elton John or Billy in his lap and watched the people pended dream. I’d leave my house third store balconies dripped down Joel. I figured he’d just threw those file down the street for a few min- still half-asleep, hop on to my beat- on to their heads, and some of the in for the musically uneducated utes. He shook his head and said, up bike and ride down Burgundy St. homeless would be passed out and tourists, because the other half of “Lazy, lazy day. Man. I just don’t in the direction of the French lying in drunk stupor on steps and the time he’d play an old R&B hit, feel like sitting out here today. Wish Quarter. Cruising over those as I’d pull up to the back alley of maybe Marvin Gaye or Otis I was out fishing. bumpy, pot-holed roads with the the restaurant I’d greet the five Redding. Other times he’d really “Yeah, I could definitely go for open-eyed sun rising, with that stray cats that lived under the build- jazz it up with some Sonny Rollins some fishing right now,” I said. slight breeze blowing in from the ing and when I opened the back or Parker or Coltrane. Even though A few feet to the right of the Mississippi River (where I’d spent door the dream, well at least the I was a good block away I could tell jazzman was the guy with the ice- many a sunsets tongue-drunk silent romantic part of it, would start to this guy really knew how to play. cream cart. He sat in a beach-chair

SETH SWAALEY sitting on termite-infested sinking fade. Every now and then I’d walk by with his eyes closed and his chin docks, watching barge ships file out him on my lunch break. He was a slumped against his chest. towards the Gulf or out to Baton For ten hours a day I’d stand in little ball of a black fella’ in a “Hey Bob!” screamed the Rouge), surrounded by hundred- this kitchen the size of a hallway, wheelchair, maybe three and half jazzman. “You’re sleeping on the year-old Creole and Victorian hous- huddled over a sink, hands in dirty feet at the most if he was able to job! You got business!” es, I would have this overwhelming dish water, watching the roaches stand. He’d sit on the corner with a “Huh, what’s that?” Bob feeling that I was amidst a painting poke their heads out from the bucket in front of him and some- opened his eyes and stood up, still full of wild and beautiful move- exposed brick. I’d go out into the times I’d see an older, raccoon-eyed half-conscious. An older woman ment. dining room and clean off the tables guy with an ice-cream cart sitting was standing in front of the vending From the Palmettos shading for your run of the mill tourists, and close by. The first couple of months cart. “Oh jeez, so sorry mam’. It’s front-yards and the Oak trees that overhear rather drab conversations, I never said anything to either one that sun you know. Just takes the hung over the streets to the weed- often times wondering how I of them. I’d just kind of nod; every life right out of you. So what can I infested rusted railroad tracks that always managed to end up at these once in a while I’d throw some get you ma’am?” held the wheels of the Norfolk bottom of the barrel jobs. Here I change into the jazzman’s bucket. “I’ll take one of those ice- Southern every day and night; to was closing in on thirty, and I had One day I decided to go on over cream sandwiches.” those empty lots and old steel ware- no skills to really speak of. It was a to the corner and sit down with the “Well, all right, you got it, one houses barely standing, with the bit depressing at times, but I’d two guys. As I was eating my sand- sandwich. That’ll be one dollar. faded traces of the days of dock- worked a lot worse jobs so I could- wich the jazzman looked over at me “Thank you ma’am, and you 22 workers and long- n’t complain too much. and said, “This aint no free enter- have a wonderful day now.” Bob sat back down in the chair. keeping a girlfriend.” who lived in New Orleans, he just “See Melv, you stop playing and “Don’t do it. Believe me. It’s a Every day I’d look forward to somehow ended up here. I’m a goner.” pain in the ass. You know what, the those lunch breaks out on the cor- Off to the side of us Big Mama “What, cuz you’re bored you problem with women today is that ner. I don’t really know how to put Sunshine was sitting with her little think I just gonna’ jump up and play they just don’t know their place.” it, but there was just something Casio keyboard in front of her. Big a song.” Bob and I kind of gave Melvin about hanging out with the guys Mama was a big haunch of insane “Well, I know you’re sure as a strange look, not particularly sure and sharing stories as the rest of the love-radiating woman. One could hell not jumping,” Bob laughed where he was heading with the con- city passed by. There was poetry find her on a different street of the aloud, slapping his knee. versation. somewhere in it all. French Quarter a couple times a Melvin quickly wheeled over “Now, wait a minute So Bob was sitting out on the week, playing honky-tonk and fast close to Bob, pointed his index fin- Melvin…” corner, looking bored as hell, the blues and growling out words you ger at his face, and said, “Watch “No, listen, and I ain’t talking umbrella giving him a little shade sometimes could understand and yourself Bob. Don’t get smart. I about no barefoot, pregnant in the from the blistering summer heat. sometimes couldn’t. She’d wear all might just take one of those kitchen kind of shit. What I’m talk- Melvin had taken the day off to go kinds of wild dresses, always with Popsicle sticks and shove it up your ing about is inspiration. You see, fishing and Bob was excited just to the same Panama hat that had a ass! Ya’ heard me?” it’s like this. The world is a pretty have someone to talk to. He was a huge red feather sticking out of the “Yeah, yeah, Melvin, I hear ya.” brutal place. It’s rough. It’s cruel. pretty quiet, easy-going type. He’d brim. Her big jowly face would And every day a brother goes out always flash that black front tooth wobble around as her chubby fin- A couple days later I was back into that world. He’s got all kinds of of his and give ya a good ol’ smile. gers bounced around the keys. If in my lunch spot. I made a couple messed up shit he has to deal with. He was polite as hell with the cus- you were lucky enough to come of sandwiches for the guys, figuring It drives him crazy. And when he tomers, in a Southern gentlemen across her all you could do was stop it was an equal trade-off for letting comes home he wants to be around kind of way. I was kind of curious and laugh and be amazed. me just sit there and hang out. a nurturing, loving woman. A how it all worked out with the cart So Bob and I were sitting out It was a Friday and the streets woman he can confide in, you so we got to talking. there and I was kind of dreading were packed. From what I could know, share his love with. Not “Oh, I get the cart for free. going back to the kitchen and star- tell, Melvin was doing pretty well. some woman that’s always yap- Company stocks it all up and then I ing at those plates and dishes for the He told me he was up to about ping, always complaining about get 40% of whatever I sell. Right rest of the day, when I noticed two eighty bucks. There must have been what he doesn’t do right. What the now it’s slow, but when it’s busy, Spanish women walking down the something going on that weekend woman don’t realize is that’s what sometimes I’ll walk with two or street. One I guessed was probably because there were beautiful drives the brother back out on the three hundred bucks. It ain’t bad. in her middle forties. She was very women everywhere. Melvin had a street. Who the hell wants to come Sometimes it’s a little boring, but exotic looking. She had this creamy hard time sticking to the music. home to that? Like take my old hey, I’m pretty much my own boss. olive-skin and long black-hair and One girl in particular was wearing a lady. We been married over twenty Work my own hours. Get to sit out there was this smooth and hypno- short red skirt, and her boobs were years and she still won’t let me here. Listen to Melvin. I use to tizing rhythm to her movements, popping right out of a thin black practice the sax in my own house. work the Lucky Dogs stands. like she was walking on water. The blouse. She had one of those wild- She says it makes too much noise. They’re the same people that own woman holding her arm, who I curved bodies that just screams out Too much noise! Ya see, what she this one.” guessed was her mother, was very at you and turns the brain and mus- don’t understand is that if I can Lucky Dogs were made famous frail and you could tell it was a lit- cles into a ball of mush. Melvin practice I can get better. If I’m bet- in John Kennedy Toole’s tle hard for her to walk. But there played two quick notes that sound- ter, I’ll make more money. That’ll Confederacy of Dunces, but anyone was a wonderful energy exuding ed like someone whistling. The girl make her happier. Ya’ heard me? who’s spent a highly intoxicated from her face, this brightness in her tuned around, smiled, and then Melvin was really starting to night on Bourbon Street has proba- eyes, this warm, radiating smile. walked on. get juiced up. He was wheeling bly seen one of the many carts that You could tell she was digging it Melvin’s eyes lit up. “Oooeeee! back and forth between Bob and take up every corner. It’s likely all: the music and art and the old Give me that smile. Say, baby, ever me. He had the look of a preacher they’ve also forked out the four dol- buildings and it was like she was a been with a man in a wheelchair? on the pulpit except he was sitting lars for the disgusting dog and then little girl all over again, as if she Once you do, you’ll never go back down. found themselves hours later, either had that same sense of innocence to regulars.” “For instance, take Helen of vomiting or shitting their brains and excitement. I could tell she was

Bob and I broke out laughing. Troy. You see, Helen was the wife out. enamored once she caught site of SETH SWAALEY Seconds later, another woman, of Menelaus who was King of “Man, no offense, but those hot Big Mama Sunshine. a little older, but still with that all- Sparta. But she left him and went dogs are gross. I met a guy in The two women stood in front class, all-style look passed by. Bob off to be with Paris, son of the King Jackson who said he was down here of Big Mama and watched her play. stood up and yelled out. “Hey lady, of Troy. So this Menelaus guy with a friend partying all night. Got “Hey there ladies! Owww! ever been with a 50 year-old ice launched a war against the Trojans a Lucky dog sometime in the morn- Where you from?” cream man?” who refused to return Helen. Now ing before they headed back home. The younger woman said This time though the woman they fought a battle for ten years. About twenty minutes later his something in Spanish to her mother. wasn’t so friendly. She turned Over a woman! Over a woman! friend’s face was looking like a The old lady smiled and said, around and gave Bob a deathly Now that’s inspiration. Y’all know blueberry. Had to take him to the “Venezuela.” stare and suddenly it became obvi- the Taj Mahal.?” hospital for food poisoning” “Oh yeah, Venezuela! I know ous to me how unattractive, spiritu- “Uh, the place in India?” I said, “Oh, jeez, you don’t got to tell just the song!” ally at least, she was. recognizing the name, but rather me. You should see some of the Big Mama Sunshine pulled out “Damn, Melv, guess you can’t clueless as to how it all tied into the guys. They don’t even replace the a little book that I guessed had pro- win em all,” said Bob. inspiration diatribe. dogs from each night. They’ll just gram settings for the keyboard. She “Yeah, some of these woman “Yeah, I mean, that building is leave the leftovers in the water and flipped the pages, would put in now, they aint got no sense of amazing. Ornate architecture, then serve them up again the next some numbers, and then would humor.” painted ceilings, gold everywhere. day. It’s all about the bar-crowd. scream when it wasn’t working “Wait! Hurry, Melv, play that It’s beautiful. And you know what? After 3 A.M. they don’t know what right. She finally got the one she one song, you know the It took twenty-two years to build it. the hell they’re eating anyway.” wanted. La Cucaracha. Egyptian…” 20,000 workers. And it was all paid Bob said years ago he’d bar- “Bum bum bum bum bah “The snake-charming one?” for by one man. Shah Jahan. His tended out in California and then bum.” “Yeah, yeah!” wife died and in memory of her he for a while in Palm Beach, Florida. “Ay,” shouted the old woman. Melvin put the sax to his lips built one of the finest buildings in They were pretty good jobs, but at “Wait, hold on,” said Big and played the tune note for note. the world. Just for one woman. some point his wife divorced him, Mama. “You ever been married man?” Love. Friendship. Ya see, what I’m he got into some trouble (I didn’t She fished through a dirty bag Melvin asked me. talking about is inspiration. Ya’ really pry him on exactly what he and came out with a tambourine “Nah, I got a hard enough time heard me?” did), and then, like a lot of people and a pair of cha- 23 chas. The woman had it all. underwear?” this Viagra? Man, just last week my out a high, sweet-piercing E. I did- Suddenly, the two Venezuelan “Yeah,” said Melvin. “He was neighbor, he be knocking on my n’t know the song, but the lady women were dancing on the side- teasing Big Mama the other day, door in the middle of the night. I obviously did because instantly she walk, shaking their instruments, saying how she was crazy and say, what the hell you want, and was shouting out “Yeah! Yeah!” moving to their own beautiful couldn’t play. So yesterday I got you know what, he asking me if I She started swaying and snapping rhythm as Big Mama banged on the this big crowd all around me. They got any pills. And what kind of her fingers. And now Melvin was keys and growled out loud. They were really into it. Probably at least pills? He asking for Viagra. Viagra! really getting into it, the notes all were stomping and swaying and ten people standing there. So all of I say what da hell you need with electric and floating every which dancing, all full of religion and sex the sudden I see Big Mama Viagra? Man, this place just ain’t way. His cheeks were so puffed out and love. It was like the old woman Sunshine walking towards me. She the same. I remember it used to be that he looked like a jellyfish. The SETH SWAALEY had just been injected with some was looking even crazier than speed. Heroin. No. Now it’s wheelchair even started to roll all wonderful youth potion and had the usual. Wearin’ a purple dress with Viagra.” around the sidewalk, as if it had a I mean, there are certain moments in life when you realize you're a part of something special. energy of a ten year-old. Bob and I yellow stockings. So what does she “Wait, hold on guys, did you spiritual life of its own. just sat there, shook our heads, and do? Bends over right in front of me hear that?” said Bob. “Oh yeah, play it hunny, hmm- laughed. and him and lifts her dress up and “What,” said Old Creole look- mmmm hmmmm,” said the screams, ‘Check out these black ing down the street. woman. She was shaking her hips “You hear about the black drawers!’ It was disgusting. Man, “Shit, is that Big Mama? I think like only women with soul know drawers?” Old Creole asked me. everyone left right then. All my I can hear her footsteps.” how to do. Old Creole was occasionally tips. Gone. That lady ran them all Old Creole darted up like he I glanced down at my watch Melvin’s runner. He’d get him food away.” was going to run around the corner. and noticed I was five minutes late. and drinks throughout the day. He Old Creole slapped me on my After a few seconds though he saw Ah, fuck it, I thought, those damn was coal-black and had these tiny, knee, nodded, and said, “Dat us laughing and realized we were dishes weren’t going to miss me bloodshot Asiatic-looking eyes. woman crazy.” all just fucking with him. He sat anyway. I mean, there are certain He’d always sit on an empty milk “Shit, you never know, man,” I down on his crate, slapped my knee moments in life when you realize crate and he didn’t say a whole lot. said, jokingly. again, and said, “Laugh all you you’re a part of something special. When he did it was usually some- “Hell no. I tell ya this. I went to want, but dat woman is crazy.” This was one of them. I put my thing perverted. We were all chew- the nurse back in ’85. Had me some A few minutes later, a woman arms behind my head, leaned back ing on sandwiches I’d just made of that clap, you know. So the nurse walked up to Melvin and said, “Hey against the fence, and as the sun lit when Big Mama Sunshine came took one look at it and told me I Jazzman, play me something the back of my eyes, I let Melvin into the conversation. Melvin was better keep that sucker in my pock- good.” and the dancing music of the street teasing Old Creole about how she et. Haven’t let it out since. Not for Without a word, Melvin nodded slowly carry us all away. had a thing for him. no woman. Dat’s the truth. And I as if it was a rite of passage, lifted –Seth Swaaley “No, you talking about her don’t understand. What’s with all the sax towards the sky, and belted EENN CCKK HHII CC EPOORRTTSS HHMM DINNGGHHOOLLEE RREP TT TTHHEE DI HHYY RR

The Dinghole Reports hear about the Kansas City leg of outside the gate and gave me no yard drinking good Wisconsin beer By the Rhythm Chicken your spring tour. – Dr. S.] down time. He whisked me to the until the Fonz showed up. Then the (Commentary by Francis Funyuns) grocery store so we could stock up Fonz, Byron, Kveldulfr, and I sat in [Edited by Dr. Sicnarf] (Yeah, Chicken! We want the on the essentials: Point beer, Byron’s front yard drinking good ruckus! Did you burn down Leinenkugel’s beer, twenty-four Wisconsin beer. All were in atten- Q: How do you solve a problem Arrowhead Stadium or what? – bratwurst, and a jar of peanut butter. dance and our class reunion was like Maria? F.F.) This was our Wisconsin care pack- underway. Byron unveiled his con- A: Little girl, it’s getting near the age for our brave venture across the vertible Rambler and we all hour. On your face I leave a shit Listen, you no good hoosh-washin’ Midwest. It wasn’t long before we climbed in to head on over to tower! slick-slacks! I’ve got the new were trying to get as much Davey’s Uptowner, where our old ruckus and I’ll get to it in good Wisconsin into our systems as pos- honkey-tonk pal Rex Hobart was So I was at work flipping Swedish time! Am I gonna have to tie you sible before sendoff. We started at playing. Many Pabsts were had. As pancakes the other day listening to hot-snots up again or can I trust you the Palomino because Wednesday his band the Misery Boys took the the soundtrack from The Sound of not to waste my precious page is $1 Pabst night, then wormed over stage, Rex approached the micro- Music when I had the startling real- space here? to the Cactus Club, and made a phone and said, “It’s so good to be ization that many of the questions final fueling stop at the Palm tav- back in Green Bay.” They play a lyrically posed on this album can be [(We’ll be good. – F.F. & Dr. S.)] — ern. At this point we had gotten our- stellar honky-tonkin’ set and Rex answered in select Mentors lyrics! I meekly— selves excited and Pabsted to the even dedicated “I’m Not Drunk just thought I’d open this install- point of thinking it would be a good Enough to Say I Love You” to the ment of the Dinghole Reports with So, I arrived in the Milwaukee idea to not wait till morning and Rhythm Chicken. Soon we were on the most convincing example. airport that Wednesday afternoon leave right then. We zoomed over to our way to the next tavern, Dave’s You’re welcome. rather ragged and fatigued from the my nest to throw the drums and Stagecoach, where many cans of Southern California leg of my beer into the car. With the car (and Schlitz were had. Here and there we [That’s all well and wholesome, Spring Chicken Tour ’04. Lord ourselves) fully loaded, we walked picked up more KC boys wanting to Mr. Chicken, but we’re waiting to Kveldulfr was waiting for me just across my front lawn to the car to tag along with the Green Bay party. see a cop car stop half a block away. The night ended back in Byron’s It was around 2 A.M. In a few sec- front yard, where we all enjoyed onds, two officers were walking up good Wisconsin beer. Forty-eight my street so we spun on our heels hours ago I was drinking in and went back indoors. Maybe it’d Burbank. Twenty-four hours ago I be a good idea to take a nap till was drinking in Milwaukee, and mornin’. there I was Kansas City enjoying Lord Kveldulfr and I went to good Wisconsin beer. I love being high school together at what he on tour. That concluded our class likes to call “GREEN BAY EAST, reunion. Tomorrow we would have MOTHERFUCKER!” Paul and to get down to business, the busi- Brian (a.k.a. the Fonz and Byron) ness being RUCKUS! were two of our fellow punk rock classmates who, through the inter- (RUCKUS!!!! BRING ON THE ests of rock and roll, had moved to RUCKUS!!! – F.F.) KC. We were on our way to our own special class reunion. Some of Anyways, Friday was my first the nine-hour drive was spent lis- day on this crazy tour that I had the tening to the old boombox record- chance to sleep through a hangover. ings of Byron’s old band, aptly Sometime that afternoon the Fonz named The Byrons. The Byrons and showed up and we started enjoying the new Descendents album made good Wisconsin beer while watch- the miles go by quicker. The ing DVDs of classic uncensored Chickenkit was in the back seat Bugs Bunny—Bugs was playing with the one weapon that promised against an entire baseball team to lay waste to bar-b-q-land, THE named the “Gashouse Gorillas.” RUCKUS LOGS! The Fonz took us to his local punk rock watering hole, the Brick. (RUCKUS!!!! – F.F.) Friday afternoons they have a pub- trivia tournament. We lubed up our [Shhh… sorry about that Mr. brains with Pabst and entered our- Chicken. Please proceed. – Dr. S.] selves as the visiting Green Bay team named the “Gashouse We arrived in KC around 3 p.m. Gorillas.” and sat in Byron’s front yard drink- RHYTHM CHICKEN ing good Wisconsin beer until he (C’MON! Where’s the ruckus? We got home from work. Then Byron, don’t care about your trivial pur- Kveldulfr and I sat in Byron’s front suits! You were in KC for twenty- four hours already and no ruckus? – Pabst did flow. The first band was F.F.) called the Silver Shore and were an odd mix of the B-52’s and Gang of [Really, Rhythm Chicken. This is Four, I think… maybe. So, by the like watching a family slide show. – time they were done the club was Dr. S.] packed and the chicken hour was upon us. Kveldulfr helped me move SILENCE! One more outburst out the chickenkit through the thick of either of you slick-slacks and crowd into the center of the club. you’ll wake up bound, gagged, The crowd parted in confusion. porked, and duked! Then before anyone could question anything, a Wisconsin thunder —silence— rolled through the club and eye- brows were raised! YES, EYE- Dinghole Report #55: Missouri, BROWS WERE RAISED! THIS Meet the Rhythm Chicken! WAS SERIOUS! My rhythm riot (Rhythm Chicken sightings #298, won over the drinking crowd quick #299, and #300! Holy shicken! enough. They roared. I pulled out #300!) the ruckus rhythms. I pulled out the The Fonz’s roommate, Keenan, audience yelling games. I pulled hosted the trivia proceedings. He out the head-banging, arm-flailing took a break for intermission and I Chickenrock. Then I pulled out the took to the stage. The regular trivia ruckus logs, raising them to the enthusiasts at the Brick watched me ceiling! The crowd collectively set up the Chickenkit in slight con- gasped in awe. Taste the sweet fusion. Keenan turned down the monster sound of down home intermission music, which for some Wisconsin ruckus log lumberjack reason was the theme from Doogie rock! The walls were sweating! My Howser. I pulled on the Chicken balls were sweating! I dished out a head and the thirty-some trivia- hot heaping plate of ruckus and heads started snickering. I broke the they ate it up. I accepted their key Rhythm Chicken’s Missouri cherry to the city and threw my drums into as the opening drumroll rumbled the corner. As if the packed club through the Brick. The bartenders wasn’t hot and humid enough, the stopped stocking the coolers to wit- next band, The Roman Numerals, ness true Wisconsin ruckus. I cranked their smoke machine up to pounded out wild-ass ruckus eleven and the air became hot but- Like Godzilla, I stomped and roared. A few minutes later I was out of breath at the ATM across the street with a bloody hand. room door was forced open and six marched the Chickenkit through the rhythms, sharing my chaos with my ter. After their set, Kveldulfr helped very sweaty and uncomfortable kitchen and dining room. Out in fellow Midwesterners. Missouri, me quickly assemble the females stormed out. They weren’t front, I set up facing the Saturday meet the Rhythm Chicken! I halted Chickenkit in the small corridor too happy. As far as I can recall, market-goers. I unleashed my may- the mayhem to raise both wings and between the men’s and women’s Rhythm Chicken sighting #300 was hem and rocked the ruckus. The accept their praise. The late after- bathrooms. A few ladies wanted to the first ever Rhythm Chicken rock City Market crowd was a hard sell, noon trivia nuts totally ate it up! I use the facility, but Kveldulfr told hostage situation! but I earned a few cheers and cat- ripped through a few other Rhythm them they would have to wait till Well, the final band that calls. Then the ruckus logs came Chicken classic beats and stopped after the concert. They were not evening were called the Architects out and the crowd knew it was real! again. They roared. I was in with happy. I was literally sandwiched (formerly the Gadjits, I think). I gave them the big sound, the big the trivia crowd! Just when they put between the two bathroom doors, They had way too much equipment ruckus. I pounded out my slothy down their guard I pulled out my which couldn’t open, because I was and were taking way too long to set monster mayhem rock and they horrible weapons that couldn’t blocking them both! The defiant it up. From the side of the stage I cheered. After we loaded back into make it to California… THE drumming soon became restroom- yelled to their singer, “Hey singer- the van a City Market security RUCKUS LOGS!!! There was a denying drumming! Once again I man! You guys have too much guard finally showed up to ask if collective “WHOOOAH!” through filled the small packed club with equipment!” He hollered back, “I anyone was playing the drums. the club and I instantly began the my Pabst-laden rhythms. The audi- know!” I asked myself W.W.T.D.? “No.” monster ruckus, the mutant may- ence turned around to witness the (What would Tiltwheel do?) So, That night we gave a Kansas RHYTHM CHICKEN hem, the real BIG SOUND that is bathroom-blocking chaos and once again, we returned to Byron’s City tradition a bit of a Wisconsin the ruckus logs! The tiny rewarded me with drunken holler- front yard for some good Wisconsin meat-log injection! At the Fonz’s Chickenkit took a mighty beating ing and cheers. Suddenly, I noticed beer. place we threw a bar-b-q with our as the logs delivered their trade- the ladies’ room door trying to open Wisconsin bratwurst and good mark demolition sound. THIS is and hitting my hi-hat cymbals. Dinghole Report #56: Wisconsin beer. Kveldulfr and the rock and roll! Intermission was Someone wanted to get out! I Sufferin’ Chicken Succotash! Fonz were in charge of the grilling. soon over and I returned to my chuckled to myself thinking about (Rhythm Chicken sighting #301) I was in charge of preparing the Gashouse Gorillas. We ended up some girl who went in to use the The next morning we loaded blessed brat brine. They had some taking second place and the cash facility or to powder her nose, but the Chickenkit into Byron’s little cans of Natural Lights in the fridge. prize paid for our weighty food and then was trapped inside while thun- blue van and headed over to his I thought to myself, “W.W.T.D.?” bar tab up to that point. Things der rained just outside the door! I place of part-time employment, a and so then I used the inferior beer were going our way. concluded my evening’s rock trilo- little restaurant named Succotash in in the brat brine. The Kansas City We scored the first three seats gy, stood to take a drunken bow, the City Market area. We parked natives marveled at the proper at the bar waiting for the evening’s and began dismantling the the van at the back door and bratwurst-warming punk show to commence, and the Chickenkit. Just then, the ladies’ 27 brine: cheap beer, butter, and spices. I ate SEVEN brats that night. I was huge. I was in pain. I was happily in pain! As the seventh brat was going in one end the first brat was coming out the other, proving my own displacement the- ory.

Dinghole Report #57: Bohemian Chicken Rocks the Faux-hemians! (Rhythm Chicken sighting #302) So, at the bar-b-q I was informed by Shay of the Silver Shore that a good place for the Chicken to rock his rock would be in front of YJ’s. She said it was a somewhat “Bohemian” art crowd who would probably really appreciate the audio-visual onslaught that is my rhythmic ruckus. Seeing as how most of my ancestors were from the “Bohemia” region of Czechoslovakia (making Pilsner Urquell the hometown brew of my lineage!), I thought I owed it to my family. After arriving at YJ’s, I soon found out that the term “Bohemian” crowd was actually a “bohemian” crowd (lower case “b”). Now, I think this means they like art-type stuff and hang out at coffee shops talking art- talk and support various causes, yet still proba- Taste the sweet monster sound of down home Wisconsin ruckus log lumberjack rock! like to introduce to you a real live man from In the morning I woke up on a couch as some bly watch reality TV when they’re home alone. Wisconsin who’s got something very important guys walked through the room. One of them I broke out the Chickenkit and set up across the to tell you, blah blah blah, Lord Kveldulfr!” I looked at me and said, “Hey, you’re the drum- street. The Sunday morning “bohemians” always love it when there’s a guy who intro- min’ chicken guy! I was yelling all those Door watched with the raised eyebrows of art pur- duces the guy who will give the introduction. County towns at you last night!” I sat up and chasers. Then I pulled on the Chickenhead and Remember, shots of gin. So, then Lord moaned, rubbing my eyes. I asked the man, “Are worked off the previous night’s SEVEN brats! I Kveldulfr runs up and grabs the mic. The crowd you from Door County?” He replied, “No, but I rocked the sidewalk and rolled the ruckus barrel of forty to fifty show-goers were now intrigued. had my wedding in Sister Bay.” I continued rub- clear across the street and into their faces! My He starts rambling off a bunch of ruckus related bing my eyes and coughed up a chunk of some- thunder echoed through the little art district. jibber-jabber and Chicken-friendly hoosh-wash thing. I told the man, “I live in Sister Bay. I’ll be They clapped and hooted somewhat hesitantly, before going into, “All the way from Green Bay, back there in about forty-eight hours.” He stared not knowing if it was art or not. Then out came Wisconsin! All the way from Milwaukee, at me in disbelief. “Wow, you live in paradise!” the ruckus logs. Now there was no guesswork. Wisconsin! All the way from Sister Bay, “I know.” This was RUCKUS! I unleashed the new big Wisconsin! And all the way from Krakow, As Kveldulfr and I walked across Lawrence sound and they became believers. Just as the Poland… THE RHYTHM CHICKEN!!!!” They with absolutely wretched hangovers to find the bidding war began, I ended the show and retreat- were confused. I rolled out the opening thunder car, I thought to myself, “What would Tiltwheel ed. Lord Kveldulfr and I had to get a head start and then raised my wings. Some guy to my right do?” I knew what they would do, but they didn’t to Lawrence! yells out, “Sister Bay!” I commenced with the have to drive from Lawrence, Kansas to chaos. The High Life and gin were doing their Milwaukee, Wisconsin. It was a long drive Dinghole Report #58: job. I slopped through my first number and home, very long. The Spring Chicken Tour ’04 Kansas, Meet the Rhythm Chicken! raised my wings. The place went nuts. Then the was officially complete. I played in Escondido, (Rhythm Chicken sighting #303) guy to my right yells out, “Bailey’s Harbor!” I San Diego, San Pedro, Los Angeles, Hollywood, Byron’s current band, Doris Henson, was turned in his direction with a queer look on my Milwaukee, Kansas City, and Lawrence, RHYTHM CHICKEN playing a show one hour away in Lawrence that Chicken face. These were small towns from my Kansas. The Rhythm Chicken is now officially night. Kveldulfr and I wanted to take in the town neck of the northwoods! I pounded out another back stateside, but I’m thinking of moving back early so we headed there alone. After walking storm of ruckus and halted yet again. He yells to Poland soon after I vote in November. around the fancy hipster shopping/tourist area of out, “Ephraim!” I pulled out the ruckus logs to this small college town we found a tavern right the fearful gasps of the crowd. Someone yells, [(????????!!!!!!! – F.F. & Dr. S.)] in front of where we parked the car. The “YEAH!” Like a tornado though a trailer park, Replacements on the jukebox and the Boulevard my monster ruckus logs gave Kansas another Also, you gotta love it that beloved Chicken beer kept us there for a while. Later, we walked natural disaster to fear: MY RUCKUS! The roadie Mr. Moose of Spokane, WA recently down to the Jackpot Saloon, the venue for that beer, gin, and ruckus logs were a mighty recipe named his three cats Quesi Anabelle Ruckus, evening’s rock show. A few beers later we had a which led to me wrestling my drums… again. Solomon Brasmaen Ruckus, and Ty Cobb few more beers (W.W.T.D.?!!!). Then our new Like Godzilla, I stomped and roared. A few min- Ruckus. And the wobbly misshapen ball of friend Craig showed up. He was at the bar-b-q utes later I was out of breath at the ATM across crotch-rot rolls on…. the previous night and wanted to drink some the street with a bloody hand. Two police offi- more with real Wisconsinites! Three clucks for cers were giving me the eye, so I gave them the Somewhere, right now, Tiltwheel continues Craig! CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK! During the slip! Back inside the Jackpot we watched Doris drinking. opening band, Kveldulfr and I kept Craig full of Henson blaze through their Kansas/Missouri Miller High Life and shots of gin. He was smi- blend of rock and roll. –The Rhythm Chicken ley. Then, just before Doris Henson took the The evening became somewhat blurry. We stage, Craig went up on stage and made his ended up at a band member’s house eating left- [email protected] introduction. I’m not sure, but I think it went over shish kebabs and downing more High Life. something like, “Ladies and gentlemen, I would 29 OO ZZ Y DDRREEAAMMSS LLII GGUUEERRRRIILLLLAA MMY

Dad thought he was dreaming when he saw The Nightstalker through the sliding door of the den...

THE FACE IN THE GLASS DOOR Nightstalker is what separates the Los Angeles year-old girl, sweating it out in the San Fernando natives from the transplants. Others may have Valley during the summer that bridged together It’s a hot California night. It could be any heard about these events, may remember seeing second and third grade. I can’t recall The year or any day between Memorial Day the headlines, but we lived them. Just as we can Nightstalker’s victims. I know their names only Weekend and Halloween, the scenario is always recall the sunset curfews of the L.A. Riots and from newspaper clippings. The articles men- the same. Another heatwave, another night when just as we can describe the exact motion of slid- tioned a daughter a few years younger than my the air lays dense and slightly sticky, making ing earth at 5:00 A.M., we can all describe the sister and I, but I can’t remember the child sleep something that the body cannot quite summer that saw AC/DC and Avia tennis shoes either, which is odd, considering that we lived in grasp. I’ll sit in the den, underneath a ceiling fan, rise to notoriety. the sort of neighborhood where all of the little waiting for something resembling a breeze to “Oh, man, I had the worst nightmares that kids seemed to run into each other while riding waft in through the windows. I am watching summer,” my former college roommate, Estelle, bikes and skateboards outside. repeats of the day’s soap operas on cable, trying remarked a few weeks ago at a party. We knew Richard Ramirez well before he to pry my eyes open long enough to watch as the My friends and I were all children in 1985, paid a visit to the Northwest San Fernando New England matriarch reveals to her family living in different neighborhoods across Los Valley, not by name but by reputation. The that she is no longer the loving journalist/heiress Angeles, but we all seem to remember the com- Nightstalker, or The Valley Intruder, was how he who stands as a pillar of the community, but the plete panic that had swept the county. was referenced in the news. He was suspected of trash-talking, bar-hopping, murder-loving alter “I had the nightmares, too,” I answered. numerous home invasions and several murders ego that occasionally invades her body. “You know, he was in my backyard.” in the neighboring San Gabriel Valley. He had Just before I lose the battle against sleep, I “Serious?” yet to make it to our valley, but we knew who he will hear a rustle in the backyard—pawsteps Estelle could have been humoring me. I was from the various police sketches that from a neighboring cat that sound like footsteps. can’t imagine that, after almost ten years of appeared on the nightly news. My parents have My eyes pop open as I sit up straight. I rise to my friendship involving numerous drinking sessions always been news junkies and, even in my feet and feel my legs rip from the sofa, a thin and pre-dawn recoveries at lowbrow eateries, younger years, I followed suit. We would watch layer of sweat having formed an adhesive she had not heard this story before. as the newscaster went down the list of people between human skin and black leather. I’ll look “Yeah, I’m serious. My dad saw him in the and places hit by the serial killer, ran through the out the window. Nothing. I shut the windows in window and the police found his footprints in latest developments in the case, and warned spite of the heat. our yard.” I have to qualify the statement for fear everyone to lock the doors and windows. At one time, it was normal to sleep with the of sounding like high school kids who swear that For some reason, I remember the AC/DC windows open. Leaving a door unlocked was not their cousin’s friend’s cousin woke up in a bath- connection better than anything else. considered a safety hazard. That was before tub in a seedy hotel missing a kidney. In a way, Newscasters seemed intent upon raising the fear 1985. After that summer, when The Nightstalker it seems ridiculous. In the span of a few months, factor in the city from a simple “let’s make sure rendered Greater Los Angeles paranoid, closing The Nightstalker committed approximately thir- the doors are locked tonight” to “let’s go out and the windows and double-checking the locks on teen murders and an estimated two dozen get some guns and if they don’t catch this guy by the doors became a nightly ritual. It is not a con- assaults. Given that the population of Los August, we’re moving to Colorado.” On days scious action, just a habit that stuck nineteen Angeles County borders on about ten million, when the networks lacked any noteworthy years after the fact. what are the chances that one resident will developments in the case, newscasters took to Richard Ramirez, the serial killer known encounter another who happened to be connect- analyzing the lyrics of AC/DC. A black cap with now as The Nightstalker, is no longer a threat. ed to the events? a shiny AC/DC logo on the front was found at He sits in prison, the recipient of nineteen death “What happened?” the site of one of the invasions. Somehow, a con- sentences, as other villains occupy our minds. I try to explain the night of August 6, 1985 nection was made between a serial killer who That summer may be in the distant past, but the as best I can. The Nightstalker was in our back- forced women to “swear on Satan” and left pen-

LIZ O memory has not faded. yard. For reasons we will never know, he didn’t tagrams on bedroom walls and an Australian In the waning hours of the night his name break into our house. He did, however, break heavy metal band whose songs seemed to focus will appear in conversations, either on the smok- into a house around the corner from us. He shot more on drinking and fucking than murder. It ing patio at some venue as the bartenders shout the husband and wife. Fortunately, both sur- seems ludicrous now, but, at that time, people “last call for alcohol” or during a post-club food vived. Our house became the hub of activity for were scared and generally unfamiliar with heavy frenzy, where one hour seems to stretch into the LAPD for some time and the detectives metal. three as we try to convince ourselves that cheap found his Avia footprints in our backyard. Those I remember Dad asking my sister Alex and food and ridiculous amounts of caffeine may are the facts. me if we listened to AC/DC. Alex was six. I was prevent the dreaded hangover. The Nightstalker In recent years, I took to gathering old arti- eight. We watched enough MTV to be familiar was as much a part of our childhood recollec- cles from the L.A. Times and reading Philip with the band, but we were too busy arguing tions as collecting cards featuring grotesque, fat- Carlo’s comprehensive book based on the inves- over whether or not her favorite band, a British faced children with names like Sucked Chuck tigation into Ramirez’s rampage, not because of duo known for wearing short-shorts and sweat- and Dizzy Lizzy and lovable aliens who wanted any particular interest in serial killers, but shirts that read “Choose Life,” was better than to phone home. Like the 1992 Riots and the because I wanted to fact-check what was in my my favorite band, four British guys who 1994 Northridge Earthquake, remembering The mind. I wanted to see if what I perceived to be shunned the shaggy haircuts and matching suits real matched what had happened. My memories of the four British guys that came before them 30 are vivid, but they are the memories of an eight- for hairspray, makeup and ruffled shirts. We liked cute guys, not hard rock guitars. She went to the den, woke up Frankly, we didn’t care who made Dad and told him what happened. “I who—the band or the serial killer. just sat in the den for a little while It was the hottest summer in one because it was so hot,” she added. hundred years. Living in The Valley, “We talked for a little while and he where mountains serve as a barrier said that he thought he had a dream between the ocean breeze and us, we of seeing a man’s face outside of the were used to pulsating, oven-baked sliding glass door. He thought it was warmth that lasted through the night. just a dream.” However, that summer was worse. It A few minutes passed. “After was an intense, humid death grip that awhile,” Mom continued, “We heard my mother describes as a “Tennessee screaming and stuff like that and gun- Williams” sort of heat, when you shots.” know that, ultimately, the bad weath- My parents heard both a male er will make someone go crazy. It and female voice engaged in an argu- was not the sort of weather typical to ment before the gunshots. Not know- Southern California and it just so ing the voices, they thought it may happened that this was the summer have been a domestic squabble, but our air conditioner decided to break. Dad felt a need to do something. Dad We searched for water, a quest that is a tough guy, a former high school kept us hopping back and forth football player from East Los between the YMCA and my grand- Angeles who worked the rubbish parent’s swimming pool. At home, route for his father before going to Alex and I would run through the law school. He can spin yarns about sprinklers or help Dad wash the cars fighting thugs and going up against a so that we could turn the hose on famous wrestling bear that would each other for relief. At night, we easily intimidate the average subur- would fight for space in front of fans, banite, but he lacked a weapon. He trying to cool down enough to actual- grabbed a broom and ran outside. ly get some sleep. The truth, though, Mom dragged him back inside. was that I didn’t want to sleep for fear “I got scared because he didn’t that The Nightstalker would catch me have anything with him,” she said, in my dreams. further rationalizing that, “He wanted The dreams started out innocent- to go save the people… but there was ly. I had become a character from one no way he could save anybody. The of the books I had read. I was Pippi best thing he could do was call the roaming through the Villa Villekulla, police, which we did right away.” Laura Ingalls beating Nellie Olson in The police arrived shortly after a fight, Harriet spying on neighbors. an ambulance that had been sum- Then I would see his face. This was- moned by the victims. Since my par- n’t the shaded pencil sketch I had ents were still awake, the police seen on the news, but a fleshed out asked if they could use our house and demon of horror movie propor- phone. Mom agreed and put on a pot tions—all sunken cheeks, yellowed of coffee. eyeballs and mangled teeth. He Meanwhile, Liz, Alex and John invaded my dreams like the molten- slept through the entire episode. faced villain in the striped sweater The police remained stationed at did to teenagers in the slasher films our house throughout the next day, as my parents wouldn’t allow me to the metro and homicide divisions watch. came to join our local cops. I remem- Dad thought he was dreaming ber Mom waking us up fairly early when he saw The Nightstalker that morning. She told us to get our through the sliding door of the den. things together. We were going to our My brother John, who was two years grandparents’ house. She didn’t tell old at the time, had climbed into bed us what was going on, but I distinctly Top to bottom: Los Angeles Herald’s Nightstalker headline, with my parents. Dad, who has remember seeing the yellow tape, police renderings of the Nightstalker, and a rare Avia tennis shoe, size 11 ½. always been a light sleeper, got up easily recognizable from news broad- Only one pair had made it out to California. The Nightstalker wore them. LIZ O and went into the den to watch televi- casts, making its way around the sion. He laid down on the floor, neighborhood. underneath the ceiling fan, and start- At my grandparents’ house, we Richard Ramirez had roamed through Liz O’s backyard. ed to drift into slumber. were told to go upstairs and put on “I saw a dark person in a shirt,” our bathing suits. I had a feeling that he explained. “It was a dark shirt. I Mom was telling my Grandma some- saw him looking in on me. I told him, thing important, so I tried to eaves- ‘Get out of here.’ He left.” drop. I couldn’t make out a thing. Piles of debris, left over from the Later on, I learned that Mom told her recent addition to the house, stood mother about what happened the outside my parents’ bedroom. Mom night before. She said that she didn’t heard a loud thud come from this want us watching the news. She did- area. n’t want us to know about it until she “That woke me up,” she said of had found out enough details to the noise. “It was really hot and all of explain the situation, particularly the windows were open. I got a little since it was starting to look like a nervous. I went down the hallway Nightstalker incident. and turned on all of the lights in all of “Just the thought of The the bedrooms.” Nightstalker was terrifying,” Mom told me. “I didn’t want you kids to be so scared doorbell rang. Aunt Linda, who was in the going after blue-skinned hippies and pot-smok- that you would never want to live in this house kitchen making dinner with Mom, ran to answer ing parents. again. I didn’t know what questions the police it. All too soon, our cousins went back to would ask us. I didn’t know if they would talk “LAPD Homicide, ma’am.” Cleveland, armed with California souvenirs and about The Nightstalker being outside the bed- We stopped singing and turned to listen. tales of The Nightstalker, we got ready to go room windows. I didn’t want you to hear about Aunt Linda paused before yelling, “Hey, Di, back to school, and my dad beamed with home- that unless you heard it from me, where I say, I think it’s for you!” town pride as an East L.A. mob caught the ser- ‘This is what happened, but it is all over with Mom led the officer inside and then back ial killer as he was trying to steal a car. While and everything is safe.’ I figured that it would outside to the yard. our lives went back to normal, this wasn’t the be scarier with the police talking about it. I did- The footprints in our backyard matched the case for the people around the corner. The cou- n’t want my kids to not be able to go to sleep.” footprints found at the other crime scenes. Avia ple survived, but with permanent, life-altering tennis shoes, size 11 ½ , were rare. In fact, only wounds. They moved shortly thereafter. • • • one pair had made it out to California. The sole When I started writing this article, I was of the shoe bore a different pattern than the nor- struck by a sick feeling at the thought of what That evening, after dinner, Mom came to pick mal waffle imprint found on the bottom of ten- could have happened to us, the relief that he us up and explained the entire situation—how nis shoes. There was a circle print near the toe, didn’t hit our family and the guilt that someone she heard something in the backyard and Dad cut but straight lines. The circle lay in the mid- else’s family suffered instead. I wondered why saw someone in the glass door, how the people dle of a large oval featuring small, diagonal them and not us? I posed this question to Mom. LIZ O across the street were shot but not killed, how it markings. Vertical lines ran down the outer “My feeling is that he tried to come to our looked like it might be The Nightstalker. After regions of the sole down to the heel, where three house first. Our house was really vulnerable. that day, the police continued to stop by our or four horizontal stripes resided. Undoubtedly, We had the windows open because it was so hot. house. They searched the backyard for evidence Richard Ramirez roamed through our But, the thing is that we didn’t sleep well…. I and checked out every pair of shoes in my dad’s disheveled backyard, but the police could not think because I woke up and because all of closet. Two weeks later, Mom’s cousin Linda say anything yet. those pipes were on the side of the house. He had flown in to Los Angeles with two of her “He asked me if I could remember anything couldn’t see it and probably walked into the kids, Marie and Tony, from Cleveland for a else,” Mom recalls. “I said no. I asked him if he pipes and into the side of the house. That woke vacation. As John and Tony played together, the could tell me if it was The Nightstalker or not. me up. I guess that turning on all the lights three of us girls ran from room to room, singing He told me that he wasn’t at liberty to tell me scared him away from the house, and so he went pop songs at the top of our lungs as the thick, anything but that this Thanksgiving, we had a to the next house he could get into.” brightly-hued plastic charm necklaces that hung lot to be thankful for.” Perhaps it was my parents’ chronic insom- around our necks bobbed back and forth, up and When Mom repeated the story to us minutes nia combined with the mess left after the down. later, her voice was flat and hard, like the detec- remodel that saved us on this fateful night. tive. She stood straight and expressionless while Perhaps it was just dumb luck. I don’t know. All On one particular evening, we were sta- repeating the line, “Ma’am, you have a lot to be I know is that I can never hear a rustle of leaves tioned by the fireplace in the living room work- thankful for this Thanksgiving.” Our eyes without jumping up to shut the windows. ing on a number made famous by the aforemen- bugged. It was just like that old TV show we tioned short-short wearing British lads when the would watch with the poker-faced detectives –Liz Ohanesian RR AA UU DWW RRD OUU?? AA WWHHOO AARREE YYO NN

Nardwuar: What’s going on the basketball kind of dancing there? You’re going to be the edi- we’re doing the more kind of... N ardwuar tors of The Guardian. Nardwuar: James Brown kind of vs. Bob: That is mad, isn’t it? They thing? don’t know what they’ve done. Alex: Yeah, yeah. We’re all going Nardwuar: From flesh removal to to get those capes as well and fling editing The Guardian, is that how them off and get Glenn to put them quick things have gone for Franz back on again. [laughs] Ferdinand? Nardwuar: Now speaking of Alex: It is. It’s astonishing, really, shoes—Glenn is the guy you make isn’t it? It’s astonishing. That’s the do everything? truth of it. Alex: That’s right. Nardwuar: Now Alex, looking at Nardwuar: Maybe we should your shoes, people seem to be fas- explain. Who is Glenn? cinated by your shoes. Kids are Alex: Glenn’s our friend who looks fascinated by your shoes, aren’t after us on tour. they? Bob: It’s more like us looking after Alex: Yeah, well, if you look, him sometimes. we’ve all got some interesting Alex: He’s like a big baby, isn’t he? shoes on today. I think I’m wear- A big, incontinent baby. ing my conservative shoes now. Nardwuar: Alex, speaking of Nardwuar: Who are you? Nardwuar: Are we allowed to see I’ll put on my sparkly ones later shoes and such, and jumping Alex Kapranos: I’m Alex from the scars at all, Paul? on. It’s just all part of dressing, isn’t around onstage—blisters. You’ve Franz Ferdinand. Paul: Certainly not. [looks at cam- it? got quite a few blisters haven’t Nardwuar: Alex, who else is in era] What time does this go out? Nardwuar: You said you’ll never you? Wasn’t that one of your early Franz Ferdinand? Can you intro- [laughs] wear Chuck Taylors on stage. bands, The Blisters? duce them please? Nardwuar: So really, what did it Alex: The what? Alex: My God, you’re a good Alex: This is Bob feel like when you got it out? Was it Nardwuar: Chuck Taylors. researcher aren’t you? Yeah, that’s Bob Hardy: I’m Bob. hard to sit down? Did any other Alex: What’s a Chuck Taylor? true. Alex: And this is Nick. people get the flesh taken out? Nardwuar: You know, like the Nardwuar: What were The Nick McCarthy: Hi. When you signed up for this thing, Vans, the sport-basketball type Blisters like? Alex: And this is Paul. did you know what was going to get shoes. Alex: It was, ummm, I guess simi- Paul Thomson: Hello there. taken out? Nick: I wouldn’t wear ones like lar. Just a lot of teenage energy and Nardwuar: Right off the bat Paul, Paul: Back off, Sigmund, bloody that. [points to Nardwuar’s New spazzing out onstage. Maybe not as is it true that you are a human hell. [laughs] Which question? Balance runners] focused as we are today. guinea pig? Nardwuar: I’m just wondering. Nardwuar: That’s what I was won- Nardwuar: So here we are, Franz Paul: [laughs] Yes, that’s true. You sign up for this thing. Were you dering. That’s what I was wonder- Ferdinand, in Vancouver, British Nardwuar: What does that entail? picked because you were like the ing. What do you think about my Columbia... It was regarding your tail, wasn’t “rock guy”? You’d have to get shoes? How do they stack up for the Nick: Er, yeah. [laughs] it? chunks out of your ass. Were there Franz Ferdinand? Nardwuar: Canada. Paul: I had my tail removed for other people who signed up for this Alex: I don’t know. I guess it’s just Nick: Yup. medical science. [laughs] No, times experiment? like every other kind of clothing. Nardwuar: Vancouver, British were hard and I was lazy. [laughs] I Paul: Yes, lots of people in You use it to express your personal- Columbia, Canada. What are the had to pay my rent so I decided to Glasgow have signed up for this ity—and you seem to have a lot of Canadian connections to Franz have some fat removed from my experiment. I’m the person who personality to express, as do we. Ferdinand? backside and whole lot of other was nominated. I wouldn’t do that Nardwuar: The reason I wear ‘em Paul: We toured with Hot Hot things which wasn’t worth 250 again. Certainly not. is because I also play in a rock ‘n’ Heat. pounds, which is what of your Alex: The thing is, we needed to get roll band and I like to jump around Nardwuar: You toured with Hot Canadian dollars? Two hundred money together for the band to buy a bit. But looking at your shoes, Hot Heat. You can’t get more fifty pounds? $500? instruments and stuff and we how do they work for jumping Canadian than that! Actually, Hot Alex: No, not that much. thought we’re going to sell Paul’s around? Looking at your shoes, Hot Heat opened... no, you opened Nardwuar: What did you think, ass one way or another, so we might Franz Ferdinand, would we assume for Hot Hot Heat. Alex, of your bandmate having to as well do it physically. that you don’t jump around that Alex: Yeah, we opened for Hot Hot have some flesh taken out? Was Paul: I had to stop them from sell- much onstage? Heat. We did a tour with them and that how hard it was in the early ing it one way... [laughs] Alex: Quite the opposite, really. We The Fiery Furnaces. Hot Hot Heat days of Franz Ferdinand? Nardwuar: I think it’s just amaz- do jump around quite a lot onstage. were great. We love their attitude. Alex: It was. We were all so incred- ing. The band begins and you sell But what you’ve got to realize is They’re a fun pop band. They make ibly impoverished. I didn’t think your ass. And now, is it true that with shoes like these—they’ve all people dance. They’re cool. too much about it until he showed you guys are editing The Guardian, got leather soles—you can do a lot Nardwuar: How about their

NARDWUAR me the scars and then I couldn’t get the prestigious Guardian newspa- of good sliding motions and skids shoes? How are they? Do Hot Hot the thought out of my head. per? across the stage and splits. It’s a dif- Heat have better shoes than me? Alex: Yeah. ferent kind of dancing. Instead of Alex: Dustin’s got good boots. 34 Bob: Steve, he’s got good shoes. So Bob: Ti... the indie rock nerd right at the front really realized the error of their does Paul. So does Dante. They’ve Alex: An... In fact, part of the rea- there with The Smiths shirt! ways and they realized what an all got good shoes. son we had our band together was [laughter] important character he really was in Nardwuar: So Franz Ferdinand, because of Belle and Sebastian. Bob: Aw, he really is a nice guy. the history of music. They wanted any other Canadian connections? Mick, who plays the trumpet and I’ve spoken to him at parties and to feature him, but he wouldn’t talk Hot Hot Heat, you opened for them. bass sometimes in Belle and he’s really nice. to any journalists, so he asked us to Alex: My mother and my grandpar- Sebastian, gave me an old bass gui- Nardwuar: That would be like me interview him instead. ents immigrated to Canada, lived tar and said, “Do something useful at the front with The Smiths shirt. Paul: He used us as a medium, a here for three years, and then they with it,” so I kind of taught Bob Does that symbolize, let me cover conduit. immigrated back to South Shields. how to play it and that’s how the this up, is that what it used to be Nardwuar: And did they end up Nardwuar: Whereabouts and why band sort of started. like at the gigs before you started? asking all the questions? Did any of did they leave? Nardwuar: And you guys are [Nardwuar covers all the people in your questions end up getting in? Alex: They lived in Toronto and Franz Ferdinand. And one of the the picture with his hand except the Paul: We ended up preparing forty they left again because they had no things I’ve been really digging guy with the Smiths shirt] questions and ended up just having money. But that was ages ago in the about you guys was this picture Alex: It’s what it still is. a conversation, really. Somebody ‘60s. here. [Nardwuar pulls out a picture Nardwuar: Just one guy at the sat with a tape recorder and record- Nardwuar: I was thinking of from the New Musical Express. If front with a Smiths shirt. But now ed that and is going to come up another Canadian connection which you could just open this up, there’s you’ve expanded it. with an article. you haven’t mentioned yet, Alex. a nice little center spread we have Alex: Yeah, yeah. We’ve invited all Nardwuar: Hopefully, it’ll all Yummy Fur was one of your bands. here. And show it here. Right here. these characters in and they all come out. Actually, if you could And Yummy Fur is a Canadian comic book by Chester Brown. Is that true? Alex: That’s correct. The Yummy Fur had an album out called The Canadian Flag, too. But Paul’s Back more the Yummy Fur man. I just played bass for a bit at the end. off, Nardwuar: You had an album called The Canadian Flag? Sigmund. Paul: With a Canadian flag on the front, yeah. Inside a hand. Nardwuar: When was that? Paul: ‘98 or something like that. Nardwuar: So we have Yummy Bloody Fur, we have Hot Hot Heat, we have your relatives and we also hell... have The Monochrome Set. Alex: [laughs] What’s the Monochrome Set connection to Canada? Nardwuar: First off, what’s the Which importance of The Monochrome Set to Franz Ferdinand? question? Alex: Well, for me, I know Bid of The Monochrome Set and he’s been very supportive of music I’ve done before. I’ve written things for him and worked with him before. He’s a cool guy. Nardwuar: And one of the dudes from The Monochrome Set lives in Montreal now! Bob: No. I love this photo. dance now. show that picture one more time, Nardwuar: Yeah. Alex: Great. [laughs] Nardwuar: What’s interesting is, Alex of Franz Ferdinand. Is this the Alex: Which one? Nardwuar: It’s from the NME. you’ve actually interviewed Chateau? Is this the legendary Nardwuar: I’m not sure. One of Now does this symbolize every- Morrissey for the NME. Chateau? the dudes from The Monochrome thing about Franz Ferdinand right Alex: That’s right, yeah. Alex: This is the Chateau here. This Set. Another connection to Franz here? Bob: In the N-M-E. [laughs] is the last show we did in the Ferdinand. And lastly, another Bob: These are our friends. This is Nardwuar: Because Morrissey Chateau. Hopefully, we’ll do some Canadian connection, Isobel from our friend Hannah. And Roxanne. saw that guy wearing a Smiths shirt more. This is on the seventh floor Belle and... And Manuela. And Celia, Jo, in the NME? of an old art deco warehouse. You Bob: Sebastian? Madge. That’s Alanah, that’s us. Alex: Something like that, yeah. can see all the crappy plumbing. Nardwuar: Belle and Sebastian. Nardwuar: They’re dancing. I’m We interviewed him for the NME We put all these lights in. We put Played her last gig ever with Belle wondering. Who is that guy? recently. He’s cool. And his new the electricity in. All the windows and Sebastian in Toron... Bob: She’s married to the lead record is really good as well. were done in. [laughs] Alex: Is that right? Toron-TO. singer of the Yummy Fur. Nardwuar: Now let’s just say Nardwuar: How hard was it to cre- NARDWUAR [laughs] Nardwuar: No way! something right off the bat. ate the Chateau? Because I under- Nardwuar: Toronto! Bob: Yes way. Morrissey and NME and interview, stand there were mummified Alex: Is that true? Paul: Morrissey, he was there. that doesn’t usually go together, pigeons and pigeon shit. How hard Nardwuar: Yes! Alex: Morrissey, there’s another now does it? is it to clean pigeon shit? And what Bob: And we toured with Belle Canadian connection. Alex: Thing was, he hadn’t done an advice would you give people to and... Nardwuar: But I love this picture interview with them for twelve clean pigeon shit? Nardwuar: Se... because it shows you do like to get years and he fell out really badly Alex: Buy a mask because of the Bob: Ba... the girls dancing, and boy, they with the NME. They really wanted fumes. The dust can get into your Nardwuar: S... really are dancing there. But I love to do a feature on him because they lungs and give you horrific diseases and things. But you have no idea [laughs] These were all bands that seem to be able to answer every- how hard pigeon shit is to clean off. were very much playing in thing and maybe you could help It’s impenetrable. Glasgow and Edinburgh. He’s a me just a bit more. Winding up Nardwuar: And the mummified cool guy and they did a lot of stuff. here, Franz Ferdinand, what do pigeons? There were lots of dead I think, generally, the history of you know about The Poets, things there? bands in Scotland, Glasgow and Scotland’s number one group Bob: Lots of dead things. We’d get Edinburgh, their attitudes have from the ‘60s, The Poets? professionals in because they’re shaped the way we are. Alex: Well, yeah. They were toxic. Nardwuar: It’s so cool that you a beat group around about the Nardwuar: Glenn is a profession- give props to bands like The same time The Rolling al. Thanes and The Kaisers and my Stones were coming out, Alex: Glenn is a professional. theory of that is if you turn over also managed by Andrew Loog Actually, he’s toxic as well. We’ve this [Thanes LP] on the back, look Oldham. lost him. As usual, as well. at what it says: “Distributed by K Nardwuar: Scotland’s number Nardwuar: You’re missing it. Nardwuar: And you guys are Records, Olympia, Washington.” one group. In a very important band. A band Franz... Of course, K was one of the pio- Alex: I’m sure they were at some you might have given their first big Alex: Ferdinand. neering labels importing Scottish point. I guess they were. They were break. Nardwuar: And we are in rock and were fans of Belle and at the heart of that sort of indepen- Alex: Mogwai? Vancouver, British Columbia... Sebastian and stuff like that. dent, beat combo sort of attitude, Nardwuar: You had the Kazoo Nick: Yeah. Alex: Oh, is that right? I didn’t which was, I guess, the beginning Club, Alex, didn’t you? You had Nardwuar: Canada! Now Franz know that. Right. Belle and of where we ended up. Funny, the Kazoo Club and you put on lots Ferdinand, you have a song called Sebastian, of course, very impor- Andrew Loog Oldham, another of bands in Scotland. “Cheating On...” tant for us too. connection there. Alex: [laughs] How do you know Alex: “You.” Paul: That’s Calvin Johnson’s this stuff? Yeah, Yeah. Nardwuar: Now is that true that it label, isn’t it? Nardwuar: And you put on all has a kind of an early Beatles vibe Nardwuar: Yes it is. Calvin these gigs in Scotland. And what to it, that you were kind of thinking Johnson was importing this Thanes band did you give an early break of early The Beatles? Scottish rock to North America at the Kazoo Club? Alex: Yeah, definitely. As far as way before this Scottish rock Alex: I’m trying to think. The Beatles go, for me personally, I explosion of two thousand and... Nardwuar: Belle and... prefer their early stuff where they Alex: Four…[laughs] Alex: Sebastian, of course. play really direct, raw pop music. Paul: We played with Dub Nardwuar: They play a And, yeah, that’s kinda what we Narcotic as well, the last time they Stylophone. wanted to do. were in Glasgow. And Calvin Alex: Yeah, they do. They do. Nardwuar: ‘Cause what I was Johnson threw this huge tantrum Paul: There’s one on “Space thinking is, your band name Franz because we ate all his deluxe Oddity” as well. Ferdinand is very prim and proper. caramel logs, which are a Scottish [Paul starts playing the There are other Scottish bands like delicacy. And he picked up the Stylophone] The Kaisers. box and went, “Fuck me! There Nardwuar: You remember seeing Alex: Oh yeah! The Kaisers. was a whole box of these!” them with one onstage don’t you? They’re brilliant. They’ve got that [laughter] Alex: I don’t remember seeing the total... Nardwuar: You ate his box of Stylophone... Nardwuar: Early Beatles thing candy? Nick: Can I have it? going? Paul: Yeah. I didn’t realize it was Nardwuar: Um, no. Unfortunately Alex: Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’ve his. He was a bit put out. He was Nardwuar: He lives in... not. I just thought you’d see this got that total Cavern Club beat feel looking forward to taking ‘em Alex: Peru or something? and immediately connect it with about them. home with him, I think. Nardwuar: He lives in Vancouver Belle and Sebastian. Nardwuar: That’s a total nobility Nardwuar: Did he come out to see now! Alex: I didn’t. But I do remember type rock, gentry type rock thing, you in Seattle at all? Were there Alex: No! [laughs] them playing with them, definitely, The Kaisers, Franz Ferdinand. And any K-rockers that came out? Nardwuar: Yes! He’s gonna be at yeah. I was wondering, were you also Paul: Eh, um, no. your gig tonight I bet. Nardwuar: It is true that Rolf influenced at all, ‘cause I got a lit- Nardwuar: I think it’s great that Alex: No way, really? Cause Harris was into these? tle hypothesis here. Were you influ- you know who K Records are. That Andrew Loog Oldham also pro- Paul: Yes, he was. enced by these guys at all? The you’re associated with it. Like, I’m duced our friend’s band, which is Nardwuar: He was into these big Thanes from Scotland. [Nardwuar V-Twin, and one of the guys that time. So what can you explain hands Franz Ferdinand a Thanes was in V-Twin was in the original about Belle and Sebastian. Did you LP] line-up of Franz Ferdinand. really give Belle and Sebastian a Alex: They’re another cool band. Bob: ...And they produced their big break with the Kazoo Club? [looks at LP cover] In fact, I’ve got album in Vancouver. What was the Kazoo Club? a guitar like that! Is that an old Alex: Oh, did they? Alex: There was a place in Harmony? It looks like that. Yeah, Bob: Yeah, Michael and Joyce Glasgow [laughs] called the 13th they’re from Edinburgh. mixed it in Vancouver with Andrew Door and, uh, I used to stick bands Paul: Yeah, they used to put on Loog Oldham. on there. I had two clubs. I had the gigs when I started playing in Alex: We’ve got a lot of connec- Kazoo Club and I had the 99P Edinburgh. tions with Canada! Club. And the Kazoo Club was Nardwuar: Was that Lenny? Nardwuar: But the thing about free. The idea was the bands would Alex: Lenny’s the drummer. Lenny Franz Ferdinand is, it always goes come down and play for a bit of drums in The Wildebeasts now, back to one thing. It goes back to beer and people wouldn’t have to doesn’t he? this, doesn’t it? What is this? And pay and we’ve give ‘em amps to Nardwuar: Actually, we can find linked to you guys through K who am I alluding to and maybe

NARDWUAR play with and stuff. And the 99P out. I actually have a Wildebeasts Records, through Calvin. can you try to play it? Club, we just charged a Quid to get 7” right here. [Nardwuar hands Alex: Oh wow, how’s that? Alex: The Stylophone? in and the band got the money. It Franz Ferdinand a Wildebeasts sin- Nardwuar: Well, just because I Nardwuar: Who plays the was just a good sort of environ- gle] bought their records. Stylophone? ment. Lots of people got together. Alex: [laughs] Yeah, we mention Alex: Oh, right. [laughs] Bob: Rolf Harris It was a good scene. The Wildebeasts and there they are. Nardwuar: Franz Ferdinand, you Nick: David Bowie. Nardwuar: ‘Cause I was fascinated Nardwuar: Are you guys the new Nardwuar: Oh, wow. Nardwuar: Which connects to to learn that Alex was on the Rab C. Nesbitt? Are Franz Alex: Do you know what Moris Franz Ferdinand, more Canadian Scottish scene so early, wasn’t he Ferdinand the Rab C. Nesbitts? Minor is? connections. there? Bob: I don’t think so. Nardwuar: Yes, the car. Bob: In the art school in Glasgow, Bob: I suppose so. Nardwuar: Because people are lis- Alex: Yeah, well, he’s got the the wood technician—he makes all Nardwuar: Like, giving Belle and tening to you, all over the world. Morrissey Minors. the stretchers—his daughter emi- Sebastian a break. I thought you Alex: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nardwuar: Did you tell him about grated to Canada. He comes here were brand new… Bob: You didn’t even know who that when you interviewed him? every summer. Nick: But you don’t know anything Rab C. Nesbitt was, so obviously Alex: No, we didn’t. We forgot to Nardwuar: Amazing, more oozing about… we’re not. mention it. I think he would have out. Any last Canadian connections? Nardwuar: I know you (Nick) want Nardwuar: But you inspired me to been into that. You’ve [Nick] gotta have one, this. I know you want this. And I check out to see who he was. Nardwuar: What’s amazing about c’mon. know you’re not… is he a big Belle Bob: [laughs] Ah, that’s nice. you guys, you Franz Ferdinand-ish Nick: I can’t think. The only one I and Sebastian fan? Nardwuar: Thank you, Franz type people, is that I was told you can remember is my girlfriend’s par- Alex: He is. He loves those guys. Ferdinand! Franz Ferdinand here, were Dadaists, you were Dadaists… ents, who were on holiday in Nardwuar: Are you really? But you winding up, you guys are called Dada Art Schoolists. Canada last year. [laughs] didn’t notice that they played these Franz... Alex: [laughs] We’re not Dadaists. Nardwuar: That’ll work. That’ll on stage? Bob: Fer... Nardwuar: I heard you were work, Franz Ferdinand. Nick: Damn you! [laughs] I didn’t. Nardwuar: Di... Dadaists, like, art school guys. But Nick: They keep on coming, don’t Nardwuar: Now caught on film. Paul: Nan... you are so cute and cuddly. they? Were you sleeping during their Nardwuar: D. Have you been con- Alex: All the Dadaists are dead. We Bob: We’re practically Canadian. gigs? fused with anybody else? Like, with like Dada… Nardwuar: Thank you for coming Nick: Ah, shit. Rio Ferdinand? There’s a soccer Nardwuar: But you’re so friendly, here. Nardwuar: Believe me, some peo- player called Rio Ferdinand, like the you’re not like Dada Art Schoolish Alex: Thank you. ple have, haven’t they? [laughs] brother of… anything like that? type people. Nardwuar: Franz Ferdinand, Franz Paul: I think we fell asleep during Nick: Everybody’s confused in Bob: We like the aesthetic of Ferdinand, the shooting of Franz the Stylophone solo. Glasgow. Dada… Ferdinand caused World War I, Nardwuar: Winding up here with Nardwuar: He’s a guy who conve- Alex: I think all these people have right? Franz... niently forgot to take a drug test and this misconception that anybody Alex: That’s true. Alex: Ferdi... got suspended for eight months. connected with art is going to be Nardwuar: So, there would be no Bob: ...Nand. Alex: Yeah, that’s correct. pretentious and stuck-up their own what, if there was no band Franz Nardwuar: I wanted to ask you Nardwuar: Like, Franz Ferdinand, ass, but that’s not the case at all. Ferdinand? about Belle and Sebastian. I mean, do people think you’re Franz? Or do Everybody that I know that’s… all Bob: No interview? [laughs] in all seriousness, the importance of they think you’re related to Rio the artists I know are really down to Nardwuar: Ba-boom, that is true. Belle and Sebastian. Is it true they Ferdinand, the soccer player? earth. Thank you for creating that. have treasure hunts, and stuff like Paul: There’s a tribute band, REO Nardwuar: Anybody that knows Bob: It’s a pleasure that? Like secret games they play Ferdinand, which is a tribute to The Thanes is a friend of mine. Nardwuar: Thanks so much Franz with their audience? REO Speedwagon and Franz Thank you, Alex. Ferdinand. Keep on rocking in the Alex: They go for picnics and things Ferdinand. Alex: Thank you. free world and doot doola doot do… with their audience and stuff like Nardwuar: Oh, no way. Nardwuar: Anything else you want Alex: Doot doo. [laughs] that. Yeah, they have a lot of fun. Paul: Yeah. to add to the people out there, at all, Nardwuar: Have you thought about Nardwuar: R-E-O Ferdinand? Is Franz Ferdinand? –Nardwuar doing anything like that? that the same people behind The Nick: It’s great to be in Canada. To listen and hear this Alex: Umm… Different Strokes and all those trib- Paul: Our soundman also does interview, go to Bob: Maybe in the summer. ute bands? Manitoba, an excellent band and http://www.nardwuar.com [laughs] Alex: Yeah, that’s right. The they’re from Canada. Alex: It’s not picnic weather just Different Strokes… Alex: Who are also on Domino now, is it? Bob: And the Morrissey Minors is Records. Nardwuar: Who is Rab C. Nesbitt? the new one, children singing And how is he important to Smiths’ songs. [laughs] Scotland? Paul: He’s the caricature of some character that is prevalent in Glasgow. Nardwuar: How would you describe him to people who don’t know him? Paul: Everybody in Govern, at least, looks like that. [laughs] Nardwuar: How would you describe Rab C. Nesbitt? Alex: It’s so not true. He’s such an exceptional character that some- times comes across in Glasgow, a caricature. He wears a string vest, which is stained with food and beer. He has the Daily Record in one pocket, which is the tabloid newspa- per of Scotland. And he usually has a drink. He’s usually drunk and shouting his worldviews at the NARDWUAR world. Paul: He’s a caricature of pub bores, people who think their opin- ion is the be-all, end-all of every- thing. DD NN LLAA UU RR Y MMIICCKK IIMM LLAAZZY JJ

I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS unlike more liquor stores they won’t charge your This was somewhat of a surprise. The guy Bank Fees and the Culture bank and your bank won’t charge you because who runs the mini-market in the building where of Corporate Greed it’s a point-of-purchase transaction) than pay I work has started charging for debit card trans- bank fees. If I’ve got money, I spend it, so I try actions under five dollars, because, he to take out only as much cash as I think I’ll need. explained, he gets charged fifty cents for each Few things burn my ass more than bank When I’m *ahem* in the spirit of things, I’ll transaction. But that was a point-of-sale pur- fees. George Bush, Al Qaeda, Ryan Seacrest— spend money like a sailor on shore leave and as chase, so maybe it was different. all out of my hands, but bank fees I bring on the night progresses my definition of “need” myself. changes hourly until my pockets are empty and I “Two dollars seems like an awful of don’t even have enough cash to buy a corn dog at money,” I said. I try to avoid bank fees wherever possible, the AM/PM. I tried to train myself to stop caring “We do have an awful lot of ATMs. Where but the institution I have my checking account about bank fees by rationalizing that I was do you live, sir?” with—Bank of America—charges me two dol- spending more money taking out more than I “Los Angeles, California.” lars every time I use an ATM machine that does- needed than by taking out only what I needed at “Oh, yeah. They’re all over the place. Like n’t belong to Bank of America. That’s on top of the moment and paying the occasional fee; but thousands of them.” She even laughed a little, as FEW THINGS BURN MY ASS MORE THAN BANK FEES. GEORGE BUSH, AL QAEDA, RYAN SEACREST-AALL OUT OF MY HANDS, BUT BANK FEES I BRING ON MYSELF.

the fee that the ATM charges, which is usually somewhere between 50 cents and $1.50. I don’t my bank statements told a different story. I’ve if to say, dude, open your eyes. And she was mind the money that 7-11 or Arco charges me probably racked up enough bank fees from the right. There’s a B of A less than a mile from my when I use their ATMs. I know that nothing in ATM inside the 7-11 across the street from where apartment and a B of A ATM directly across the life is free. Automated teller machines provide a Juvee and the Garage used to be to buy everyone street from where I work, but that’s not the point. service, namely timely and convenient access to reading this column a drink. “So basically I’m being penalized for using my money, and I expect to pay for it. It’s the other ATMs.” additional two dollars that B of A charges me Bank of America has me over a barrel and “It’s not a penalty, sir. It’s a fee.” that makes me crazy. If I can make a long dis- they know it. There’s a reason why ATMs in strip “Still, and bear with me for a second, the tance phone call to anywhere in the country for bars and casinos charge such high fees: people fees I pay for using other ATMs is seldom as ten cents a minute or download a digital music who are making withdrawals in strip bars and high as two dollars, and some banks, like JIM RULAND file for under a buck, two dollars seems like an casinos have poor impulse control and are not Washington Mutual, don’t charge me anything at awful lot of money for a transaction that only likely to care what the fee is, even if it’s $3.50, all. I guess what I’m asking is why two dollars?” takes a second. It’s not like Bank of America has $4, or $5. And don’t get me started on non-bank- “That’s what it costs, sir.” to pay for someone to come out and fill the affiliated institutions that offer services like She’d clearly had it with me. It was getting machines with cash or make sure the toner for check cashing and payday loans at usurious rates to the point where if I kept asking questions she printing the receipts isn’t running low. It just and always seem to be located in neighborhoods would start referring to the script she was sup- doesn’t seem fair. with large numbers of working poor. A clip joint posed to follow whenever irate customers called is a clip joint, but at least in the old days you up, trembling with righteousness, hot for justice. We’ve all been there. You’re running late or could count on getting groped by a girl before I didn’t want to be that guy. I thanked her and caught unprepared for an activity that requires you got your pocket picked. In Monopoly, the hung up the phone. folding money, and your debit or credit card bank errs in your favor. In real life, you have to won’t do: a cover charge for the punk rock show, shell out eight bits every time you pass Go. It started making sense to me. B of A prided parking lot fee or tip for the valet, a nightcap at itself on the number of ATMs they had available the cash-only bar or a gratuity for the girl who While going over a recent bank statement for their customers. They charged exorbitant can do more tricks with a ten-foot pole than a riddled with two dollar fees, I wondered for the fees to discourage non-bank-transactions. Those monkey with a hundred feet of vine. Sure, now thousandth time why the bank felt it necessary to who paid the fees, were essentially paying for a you can get that Misfits picture disk you always charge their own customers such outrageous fees service that loyal customers received for free, wanted with your Pay Pal account on the for accessing their own money. So I picked up thus the burden of paying for the installation, Internerd, but we live in a thoroughly automated the phone and called them. upkeep, and repair of ATMs was passed along to world that our punk rock lifestyles are never disloyal customers. In a weird way, not being hit going to catch up with, and to that I say amen. After navigating the menu maze and being with a fee was a kind of reward. It was all about told that my call could be recorded, I finally got loyalty. I’m not a particularly frugal person. I’d an actual human on the phone, a cheerful black sooner buy a round of drinks for my friends or lady, by the sound of it. I explained my situation I remember a time when ATMs were any- kick down to the homeless guy outside the Rite and this is what she told me: thing but convenient. When I was a deck seaman Aid (which, by the way, is an excellent place to in the U.S. Navy, I opened up a savings account use your debit card and opt for cash back when “Every time you use an ATM that isn’t affil- with the Naval Federal Credit Union and opted you buy whatever spirits are on sale that week; iated with B of A, the ATM charges us for the to have part of my paycheck directly deposited transaction, and then we charge you.” to the account. This was a smart move. Back in those days they paid us in cash and I spent that gling with rising security costs, paying through that honor their obligations and play by the rules money faster than grass passing through a cow’s the nose for soaring oil prices, and looking up to pick up the slack. In other words, they’re ass. When I was flat broke, I went to the NFCU the bore of the largest deficit in history, the fed- rewarded for their disloyalty. My disloyalty ATM, which was located at the only branch of eral government would want to recoup these costs me two dollars. Theirs nets them millions. the credit union in all of San Diego. It took a losses. When the extent of these dodges was trolley ride and a short trip in a taxi to get there. made public last year by groups like Citizen I can’t tell Bank of America how they Sometimes I took my laundry and made an Works and The Bermuda Project, there was a should conduct their business. I’m not a banker. evening out of it. I’d get some money, load my public outcry that was decidedly non-partisan. I don’t sit on their board of directors. I’m not laundry, and suck down Tecates and taquitos Many sensible Republicans reasoned that in even a shareholder. I am, however, a loyal cus- while I waited for my civvies to dry, and go back time of war, our wealthiest corporations should tomer, and have been since 1992 (it says so right to the ship with money in my pocket. It may help shoulder the burden, but the party that on my debit card). The only way I can show B have been inconvenient but it was worth the trip because that’s where the money was.

A few days after my conversation with the cus- tomer service representative, I heard something on National Public Radio that shattered my new- found faith in Bank of America. According to Securities and Exchange Commission reports, many of the wealthiest corporations in America were using tax havens to avoid paying billions of dollars in taxes. Bank of America was ninth on the list of companies with the most off-shore subsidiaries, right behind Halliburton, a compa- ny that is seemingly in the business of ruthless- ly exploiting unfair advantages. (Arianna Huffington writes in Pigs at the Trough that under Vice President Dick Cheney’s watch, Halliburton quintupled its number of sub- sidiaries.)

But for Bank of America Corp., which start- ed as a small California bank, to reincorporate its subsidiaries off-shore and move its corporate address to places like Antigua, Bermuda and Bahrain for the purpose of skirting taxes and obtaining credits is particularly galling. How

can a company that calls itself Bank of America JIM RULAND avoid paying millions of dollars in taxes because its subsidiaries are not, technically speaking, American companies? If you’re going to call yourself Bank of America you should 1) be an American company, and 2) abide by the laws that govern American companies, that is: pay your fucking taxes like the rest of us.

Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot about the per- ils of outsourcing: the practice of utilizing cheap labor in foreign countries, but to my way of thinking, overseas tax havens for our wealthiest companies is much, much worse. It’s kind of like outsourcing in reverse: instead of sending jobs out of the country, these companies are sending the company overseas, at least on paper. Let’s say Company A utilizes call centers in the Philippines. The money they save on labor can be used to make the company more profitable. The more successful Company A becomes the more taxes they’ll pay. Company B of A, how- ever, has over fifty subsidiaries in offshore tax havens, which net the company tens of millions of dollars in tax credits. The difference between these companies is that Company A pays taxes even though part of their labor force will never photo by Larry Hart utilize the many services the government uses preaches fiscal conservatism muzzled those in of A that I disapprove of the way they do busi- tax money to provide, while B of A enjoys enor- favor of eliminating or curtailing off-shore tax ness is to take my business elsewhere and that’s mous tax breaks by dint of being a multination- havens for the super rich. It’s an election year exactly what I’m going to do. al—even though their workers drive on our after all, and it wouldn’t do to have Republicans roads, attend our schools, and use our hospitals. and Democrats working in concert to crack Bank of America is anything but, and as far They enjoy the benefits of being incorporated down on Cheney’s cronies. as I’m concerned, they can suck it. They’re not offshore, yet drain America’s resources by dodg- How does it relate to bank fee, you ask? For getting my two dollars anymore. ing their responsibilities at home. Every year me, it’s all about loyalty. When I do my business America loses seventy billion dollars in tax rev- with an institution other than B of A, I have to –Jim Ruland enue to offshore tax dodges. pay. But when Bank of America takes their busi- You would think that in time of crisis, when ness elsewhere they benefit from numerous tax our country is hemorrhaging cash in Iraq, strug- advantages and incentives, and leave companies 39

O DDO A RRA AA LLVV AA LANNEE YY A LLIITTTTLLEE AAIIRRPPLA MM II’’MM A IIMM JJ

a race to the bottom, where for every innovative school he “never knew anything above C’s.” band one could find twenty trying to sound The Reagan and first Bush administrations Real Punks Vote exactly like them. In short, all the problems with wreaked havoc on American society for twelve the current scene that people complain about are years and were the official object of ire for Nostalgia is a funny thing, and we not new or unique. punks in the ‘80s. “Cowboy Ronnie,” as the Americans love to wallow in it. No matter what The biggest difference between punk then Dead Kennedys called him, and his motley crew crazy, screwed up times we live in, we as a cul- and punk now is that there were considerably of white-collar criminals served as punk’s rea- ture always seem to find ourselves pining for the fewer punkers, which caused those who weren’t son for being, with hundreds of bands calling for crazy, screwed up times of yore. “weekend punks” to cling together with an “us either his removal from office or his head on a In the late 1970s and early 1980s, Fonzie against the world” mentality. One thing I would stick. and his gaggle of sock-hopping stereotypes say the majority of punks had in common then, Living through the tenure of wretched pres- ruled the roost, washing away the bitter taste of no matter where they were from, was a mutual idents, however, is not unique to ‘80s punk. The Watergate and Vietnam and ushering in the hatred of a certain prune-faced, Bob’s Big Boy- current Bush administration is at best just as Reagan regime’s return to “traditional family coiffed, neo-fascist, monkey-loving Jesus freak toxic, and at worst far more dangerous than his values.” named Ronnie, who happened to be living in a recent Republican predecessors ever were. As the latter decade wound to a close and big White House in Washington, D.C. George W. Bush has achieved many firsts in Reagan’s successor, George H.W. Bush, made As most are probably aware, Ronald Reagan U.S. history: he shattered the record for the way for the ‘90s and Clinton’s new conservative finally died not too long ago. The corporate biggest annual deficit, is the first president to spin on democratic party politics, Woodstock cabal currently controlling the country and its enter office with a criminal record, and has and the ‘60s became cool places to revisit—fol- media sent the Gipper off to Valhalla with one appointed more convicted criminals (who served lowed by a fond look back at the ‘70s, with last hurrah—numerous funerals, a week-long under his father and Reagan) to his administra- movies like Dazed and Confused and The Spirit period of mourning, his near deification and an tion than any other president. He enacted of ’76 showing how fun it really was to live in overhaul of his presidency so complete that, if Executive Order 13233, which allows a sitting the days of Nixon and Carter. you hadn’t had the misfortune of living through president to block the release of a former presi- Now the culture is once again looking back- his terms in office, you’d believe he was the best dent’s records and requires anyone seeking that ward toward the glory days of Ronald Reagan president this country ever had, one who single- information to go to court to get it—making his and the Republican Party’s domination of the handedly destroyed communism, rolled back big administration the most secretive in history. He ‘80s. government, brought economic prosperity, made refused to ratify the treaty that created the Even the punk scene, which in its initial the world safe for God-fearing Christians, rid the International Criminal Court, which Clinton had stages pooh-poohed such rose-tinted glances country of drugs, fought alongside Rambo to signed, and thus aligned the U.S. with China, backward, seems in recent years to have taken to finally win the Vietnam war, walked on water, India, Pakistan, Indonesia, Iraq and Turkey in looking back fondly at its “golden age.” Older and healed lepers. opposition to an organization created to try indi- punks ramble on and on about a time “when Reagan was a miserable president. During viduals for crimes against humanity. He has tried punk was punk,” the scene was strong, and the his eight years in office, he headed one of the desperately to end the ban on nuclear weapons music was perpetually amazing. Younger punks most corrupt administrations in American histo- research and manufacturing so that new classes JIMMYwatch ALVARADO movies like Suburbia and Decline of ry, with more than a hundred members of his of nuclear weapons, including “bunker busters” Western Civilization, adopt the same hackneyed administration investigated, indicted, or convict- and “mini-nukes” can be developed. He has spikes-and-leather look they’ve seen on the back ed for crimes that included mismanagement of declared war on women’s and gay rights, rein- of a Discharge album, and lament not being funds, conspiracy to mislead Congress, bribery, stated the global gag rule and backed attempts to alive when punk was good. and violations of federal ethics laws. He waged amend the Constitution to ban gay marriages. He Let me take a minute to burst that little bub- covert wars that killed tens of thousands in Latin has rolled back pollution controls, eased clean ble. To be succinct, being a punk for many in the America and funded those wars by illegally sell- air standards, threatened Europe with economic ‘80s was a miserable experience. It meant being ing arms to countries designated as America’s sanctions if they did not drop safety tests a target for any nutjob with a need to beat on enemies, in itself an impeachable offense. The designed to protect the public from toxic chemi- something while screaming “Devo” every time national debt, the poverty and unemployment cals, and backed out of the Kyoto treaty, which you stepped out of your front door. It meant rates soared under his watch, all of which he commits industrialized nations to reduce green- being chased, beaten, cat-called and harassed by repeatedly blamed on Congress and the previous house gas emissions. His administration pushed every cop, parent, teacher, principal, classmate Democratic administration. He declared war through the PATRIOT Act, which, in addition to and wino you came across. If you’re male and against both homosexuality and a woman’s right allowing the government access to an individ- really want to know what being an ‘80s punk to choose. When asked if he thought natural ual’s private records through wiretapping and was like, put on your mommy’s sluttiest dress resources should be preserved for future genera- breaking into homes and offices, broadened the and take a stroll through the local mall. tions, he replied, “I do not know how many definition of “terrorism” to potentially include Life within the punk scene was not as idyllic future generations we can count on before the any domestic group that disagrees with the as some would have you believe, either. Initially Lord returns.” He lied with impunity, gave tax administration, circumvents attorney-client priv- a refuge for those who didn’t fit into the outside breaks to the rich while slashing social service ilege, and allows for the detention of immigrants world and a place where extremes—from music programs, and took credit for toppling the Soviet for mere suspicion of illegal activity. Moreover, to politics—could be explored, ‘80s punk was Union when they merely ran out of money fight- Bush has called for an extension of the PATRI- ultimately overrun by assorted gangs, narrow- ing an asinine arms race before the U.S. did. He OT Act, empowering authorities in terrorist minded “scene police,” backbiting, and an accused the homeless of being so by choice, investigations to issue subpoenas without going almost stifling intolerance of new ideas. The adding that the newspapers were filled with to grand juries, hold suspects without bail, and music itself—fresh, anarchic, and sonically all “help wanted” ads. Pretty productive for a guy more aggressively pursue the death penalty. He over the map for a very brief who told Barbara Walters in an interview that in pushed through two tax cuts that most favor the 42 moment—quickly denigrated into George W. Bush has achieved many firsts in U.S. history: he shattered the record for the biggest annual deficit, is the first president to enter office with a criminal record, and has appointed more convicted criminals to his administration than any other president. IM ALVARADO JIMMY

Illustration by Rob Ruelas: [email protected] ultra-rich and is seeking to make the cuts per- Modern day punks must face not only Punks were a small, albeit vocal, minority manent, a baffling move when you take into Bush’s condescension, but also the dismissal of in the politics of 1980s America. Even if every consideration that under his watch the nation old punks, who tell them that they are nothing single one of them had voted in 1980, ’84, or finds itself working at a deficit and engaged in but kids aping a scene of which they have no ’88, the result would have been a minor blip two wars. real understanding, that they are clueless, that when set against the Republican juggernaut And then there’s the issue of his wars on they don’t matter. While it may be true in some that steamrolled its way through three elec- the Taliban and Iraq. He used the September cases (as it was equally true in some cases in tions. The number of voting-age fans at the dis- 11 attacks and cited patently false information the 1980s) that some, indeed, are ignorant of posal of today’s punk rock stars can easily to justify waging two wars, one of which was the punk ethos, a number of today’s punks not sway an election, especially one that many are a preemptive strike and invasion (thus setting even alive in the 1980s are living a more predicting will be one of the closest in history. a precedent for other countries to do the same) “punk” lifestyle than many of their predeces- The sheer size of today’s punk community is of a country not involved in the 9/11 attack. sors, plugging into and trying to make a posi- the most important difference between punks When he was caught lying to the American tive contribution to the world around them. old and new, because it means the current gen- public, he feigned ignorance and faulted the Nonetheless, both sides of the political eration potentially wields more power than any CIA for flawed investigations, then cited a spectrum are paying much attention to the punk that came before it. whole new set of reasons for waging his war. population in this election, as evidenced by Whereas punk was previously just a small, His administration has disregarded interna- PunkVoter.com and conservativepunk.com. rabblerousing musical niche, it now has the tional law and dismissed the protocols of the Why the effort? The answer is simple: numbers. potential to make or break a presidency, espe- Geneva Convention with regards to the treat- Thanks to the breakthrough success of Nirvana, cially if it chooses to throw its lot in with those ment of the prisoners of both the wars. His NOFX, Green Day, Offspring, No Doubt, Face who already oppose the current administration actions have alienated the U.S. from many of to Face, Rage Against the Machine and a bevy and its global agenda, and if ever there were a its allies and resulted in the widespread belief of others, punk as a musical genre has become presidency that needed breaking, the Bush that the U.S. is the biggest threat to world lucrative. The Buzzcocks, Iggy Pop, Stiff Little administration is it. For once, punks potential-

JIMMYpeace ALVARADO and freedom. In three and a half years, Fingers, the Muffs and Blink 182 provide the ly hold the deciding ballot. Bush has managed a level of mayhem of soundtrack to commercials selling everything For both today’s punk and the political cli- which Reagan could only dream. from SUVs to soft drinks. Smashmouth can be mate of the country, nostalgia is wholly unnec- The country is at an even more critical heard both in cartoons and on the Democratic essary. We are living in an era to which the juncture now than at any time in the 1980s. For Convention floor. Like it or not, the segment of ‘80s, and almost any decade before it, pale in three years, those who oppose Bush’s policies the punk scene these bands pander to is now comparison. Now is the time to put away those have battled an arrogant president who regards entrenched in the mainstream culture. Dead Kennedys records, give the finger to them as godless, ignorant, unpatriotic, un- While sidestepping the argument of those who cling to the past, take to the street, American tree-huggers who would much whether these bands are indeed, “punk,” few pick up a guitar and make noise focused on the rather protect the home of a polar bear than the can argue that the fanbase that these bands present rather than on times long gone. Now is United States of America itself. To wit, Bush enjoy is vast. Where once it was considered a the time for punks to realize the power at their called ten million war protesters a “focus rousing success if a punk band cleared 10,000 disposal. group” not worthy of his time or contempla- copies of a release, many bands now regularly tion. sell 10 million. –Jimmy Alvarado th e Exploding Hearts An Interview with TV Carnage by Ben Snakepit. My friend Mike Rodruguez has turned me on to a lot of cool stuff: I first heard the Epoxies because of him, I first read Tight Pants because he lent it to me, he was the first person to play me the Floor LP, the list goes on and on. Anyway, one day Mike came over to my house and was like, “Oh my fucking god, dude, you have to watch this video I got.” Mike’s never steered me wrong, so we popped it in the VCR, and my life changed forever. What Mike showed me was called TV Carnage. It was amazing: short clips of the worst parts of the worst TV shows I’d ever seen in my life, all edited together to create a piece of art altogether new. A guy dressed like Scooby Doo, doing a choreographed gymnastics routine to the song “Who Let the Dogs Out?” immediately followed by a cable access talent show with the saddest, lamest dance routine ever, immediately followed by a mon- key dressed in a cowboy suit riding on the back of a dog. It just kept going, each clip more excruciating and amazing than the next. It was like listen- ing to a Negativland album, but with visuals to go along with it. I was floored. I had to see more. There were no credits listed at the end of the tape, just a website, so I went to tvcarnage.com and investigated. They described their work as “hun- dreds of hours of exceptionally bad TV lovingly fused together into an hour-plus glorious cesspool of retardation.” I had to find the people who made this stuff; it was too awesome. I sent them an email, asking for an interview. A few weeks later I was on the phone with the man behind TV Carnage, mysteriously only known as “Pinky.”

Ben: Where’d you first come up with this idea to start making Ben: Before that, had you done any kind of shit like that? these tapes? Pinky: Yeah, we would just tape stuff, just whatever ridiculous shit that Pinky: It was me and this guy I used to know named Jesse. We used to we’d see on TV, and that was in the early ‘90s, or late ‘80s even, back do them and send them back and forth to each other. They were never in high school. really intended for public viewing, but Gavin from Vice magazine— Ben: So you went to film school? he’s an old friend—he talked us into putting them out for public con- Pinky: Yeah, I went to film school at Concordia in Montreal. I make sumption. At first I was like, “I dunno, they’re a bit esoteric,” and he documentaries and work on other small projects like that. I’m current- was like, “No, no, trust me.” So he was the first person to talk me into ly working with Vice magazine. They’re doing this thing called Vice TV it, and it just kinda grew from there and took on a life of its own. pretty soon and David Cross is the executive producer. We’ve been Ben: So it just started as a hobby, basically? working with him on some shit and it’s pretty funny. Pinky: Yeah, we all made films and went to film school and shit. It Ben: Well, it’s obvious from watching your TV Carnage tapes that all actually started when we were still in high school, but we just started that stuff didn’t just come straight off the TV, because you’ve got stuff becoming obsessed with how shitty stuff on TV was, and it just became like Orson Welles all drunk and people eating poop and stuff. Where do a “what not to do” manual. It was just so evident that, you know, no one you find that kind of shit? was minding the cash register or watching the store or whatever. Pinky: Well, the poop eating was given to me by my friend Adam in Ben: So the carnage crew is just two people? Montreal years ago, and he wrote The Sound of Music on the tape. I was Pinky: It used to be, but it’s basically just me now. Me and Jesse did like, why did you send me this? the third one, When Television Attacks, together. He had a lot of stuff to Ben: But the real genius of it was editing it together with Three’s contribute to that one, but that was the last time we did one together. Company. Then the last one, Casual Fridays, I did on my own, and the two before Pinky: Yeah, because with Three’s Company, when I was looking at that (Ouch Television My Brain Hurts and A Rich Tradition of Magic) I Mr. Furley’s face, I was like, “Whoa, that dude’s face looks like he just basically did on my own. The first one I did was just with two VCRs watched somebody eat some shit.” And then I thought to myself, “Wait and I was fucked up on these painkillers all week, so I just stayed up to a second, I have a tape of people eating some shit,” but I never got past all hours just taping shit, but it was a labor of love. And hate. the stuff I actually put on the tape. I just rolled to a part of some poop Ben: That was in ‘96? eating and didn’t really look at it because it was so gross, and after I got Pinky: Yeah. what I needed I threw the tape away.

46 Ben: Do you ever worry about getting sued? Ben: So anyway, what is your favorite thing you’ve ever seen Pinky: Yeah. Well, I mean… yeah. I just try not to think about it a video of? too much. Pinky: Well, the Huntress thing is pretty amazing. That’s an obvi- Ben: It seems like you’re starting to reach a level of notoriety ous one. But there are more subtle things, like on one of the earli- where people are gonna start noticing it. er tapes there’s this men’s talk show or something with a set with Pinky: Yeah, I’d really rather it just kinda be on the down low a basketball court in the background, and they’re talking about ‘cause it’s aimed at a particular type of audience, and a particular men’s issues, and this guy who kinda reminds me of Michael type of mentality, and I don’t really wanna go huge with it. They Keaton, and he’s like, “Oh, I just like to go to a café and smoke a did a write up in MTV Magazine about it, which kinda freaked me joint.” out, but I don’t think anybody reads that magazine, so it’s cool. Ben: Yeah, that guy is hilarious. Ben: Tell me about Strip Club DJs. Pinky: A bunch of my friends are constantly quoting that guy. Pinky: It’s this documentary I made that did fairly well. It’s about He’s one of those characters who I’m just totally in love with. forty-five minutes long. It was supposed to be just the guys intro- Another one is this guy at an anger management seminar or some- ducing the girls, you know, just a short movie about that, but I thing, and he’s like, “Look at me! See me! SEE ME ALREADY!” started talking to these guys and they all had these stories. They What the fuck is that? There’s just tons of shit like that. just went off, like, some of the stuff they were telling me I just Infomercials: everyone likes those. I can’t even believe they still couldn’t believe they were saying on camera. make them. One of the dudes who was in it, this guy named Scott, he’s Ben: My personal favorite is Flash the rodeo monkey. Every time actually a pretty awesome guy but he was pretty fucked up. He had you watch it, everyone in the room is just erupting with laughter, a really bad coke habit and stuff. I followed him to rehab for part and it’s only after you see it a few times do you realize they’re of it and he kind of ends up being like the main character in it. It’s playing the Monkees’ theme song in the background. not really the kind of documentary where you learn anything. It Pinky: Yeah, exactly, like the guy dancing to “Who Let the Dogs was supposed to be kind of a dark film with a dark humor to it. Out?” and he’s dressed like Scooby Doo. That blew my fucking When it showed at the Hot Doc film festival in Toronto, it sold out mind. The grunge figure skater, all that kind of shit. I just recent- at the theater, and all of these strip club DJs showed up. I thought ly got this amazing tape. It’s a commercial for Sealy mattresses. they were all just gonna kick the shit out of me after the movie, but It’s called the “Sealy roll test” and it’s this chubby middle class they were like, “Aww, that’s fuckin’ awesome! That’s us! It’s how American woman just rolling back and forth on this mattress. fucked up our lives are!” and then they took me out to a strip club They video mix it so she’s just rolling back and forth while this and got me loaded. saleswoman just smiles at her like “Mm hmm, of course you love Ben: Are you planning on doing any other docu- mentaries in the future? Pinky: Yeah, I got a few ideas for things I wanna do. I actually just started with the National Film Board of Canada, and they want me to do one about the psychology of guns and gun ownership and stuff. Not to make a Bowling for Columbine type thing, but I just wanna make something that has really interesting characters in it, and make it pretty cinematic looking. Not to be biased either way, but it’s the only machine that’s made for one purpose, you know, to kill peo- ple. It’s a pretty unique device that humans decided to invent. Canadians are way more utilitarian with guns, even though Toronto has had a shitload of gun issues lately, compared to what we used to have, but by and large it’s just farmers and hunters who have them. I don’t know anyone that has a gun. Ben: It’s not like here in America, where it’s a “tough guy” status thing. Pinky: Yeah, the people here who do have them, they don’t brag about it. They’re almost kind of embarrassed about it. Like if some old weird dude has one ‘cause he’s all old and paranoid and thinks one day a gang of Jamaicans is gonna come and rape his dog, before he’ll admit it to anyone he has to be three sheets to the wind, and he’ll be like [slurred], “Yeah, I have some guns in my basement,” and everyone usually gets all freaked out like, “WHAT!?” It’s pretty hard to get a gun here and everybody is kind of out of touch with them. We just have good old-fashioned fist- fights and knifings up here. Ben: Yeah, a knifing is good ‘cause it’s more personal. Pinky: Exactly. When you knife somebody, you really have to put some work into it. So we’re kind of behind the times with killing technology, but that’s probably better. I figure that if I lived in America, I’d have been shot, like, fifty times by now. We just tend to have bigger mouths, I guess.

47 the mattress,” just smug as hell. And they’re playing this terrible stuff, which is cool, ‘cause everybody seems to get it and under- ‘90s club music. It’s awful and then they stop and yell “REMIX!” stand that it’s just a piss-take on our culture. And I can’t stop and it goes into this rap about Sealy mattresses. Whenever I see doing it. It just totally fascinates me, because to the average per- something like that all I can do is picture the person in the studio son walking down the street, all this ridiculous stuff is perfectly having to record that song. You know, showing up for this “gig” acceptable to them. where they’re gonna rap about a mattress. Somebody also sent me Ben: Yeah, the squares don’t even understand what’s funny about this Jenny Craig video, where I guess the Jenny Craig people were it. just like, “Fuck it, it isn’t working. These people are fat and they Pinky: Totally, I just couldn’t imagine being fine with everything need to start exercising, but this approach we have isn’t working. on that tape. We need to simplify the whole process of people understanding our Jenny Craig products. Let’s make it a sitcom, but no, let’s not just make it a sitcom, let’s rip off Seinfeld.” So there’s this woman who plays the Jerry Seinfeld character, and she’s a stand-up comedian. The video starts with her doing a stand-up comedy act about being fat. And there’s a Ben: So the commentary track on Casual Fridays, is that you? George Costanza character, and this Kramer-ish guy who just Pinky: Yeah. comes in and falls down and stuff, but it’s all about losing weight. Ben: And did you slow your voice down to disguise it? It’s fucking unbelievable. Pinky: Yeah, I pitched it down. It’s an homage to that movie Ben: So it looks like you put out a new TV Carnage tape every Ransom, there’s a part where Gary Sinise is talking to Mel two years or so. How long does it take to put one together? Gibson, and he’s got that slowed-down pitch shift on his voice, Pinky: I always have a tape in a VCR ready to go, but I’m actu- and it goes from him being all sinister and saying, “I’ve got your ally sick to death of watching TV. I mean, it’s actually on right kid, I’m gonna fuck up your kid if you don’t give me the money,” now. I was a latchkey kid so the TV is like a comfort to me. It’s which is kind of intimidating, and then they get into this regular kinda sick but it’s true. But I’m still skinny and have all my hair. conversation, and it’s like, “Well, I dunno, the way I look at life So when I’m 400 pounds and gone completely bald maybe it’ll be is.…” That just kills it and makes it so fucking ridiculous. It’s one a problem, but anyway, I always have a tape in a VCR and I’ve of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life, because it’s sup- just got these fucking massive amounts of tapes. I just cringe posed to heighten the tension, and it’s all, “We should go get a when i look at them. Like, part of me wants to just go, “FUCK burger sometime” or something. “Yeah, I’ve got an extra pair of THIS!” and throw them all at a garbage truck, but I know one day skis. Why don’t we go skiing?” I’m gonna start going through them. Usually, about a year and a Ben: I love it. Why didn’t you slow it down for the commentary half after I finish a tape, I start to get the itch and I start loading on When Television Attacks? more videos onto my computer, but it takes for-fucking-ever. The Pinky: Because I did the commentary on that one with Gavin actual process of editing and everything takes like six months, from Vice, and he said it was too distracting, so he convinced me easily. And I’m always trying to top the last one, so it just gets not to use it. I didn’t think so. more and more crazy. Ben: Me neither. When is the next one coming out? Ben: It’s really obvious that each tape gets progressively better. Pinky: Well, I’m working on it now. I’m doing other stuff, too, Pinky: I have no idea what to do next. I want to start fucking with like I’m putting the first two tapes out on DVD. I’m cutting them things more, in terms of Photoshopping shit and adding computer down into one thing, because there’s a lot of stuff that repeats on effects and stuff, but that’s gonna add even more time on, so it’s those and it’s kind of messy, but I’m gonna make a brand new one like, holy fuck, I have no idea when the next one will be done. hopefully by around Christmas or so, or the new year at least. I’ve Ben: Wow. Do you make any money from this or do you have to been collecting some pretty awesome shit. Lately I’ve been real- have a day job? ly obsessed with those self-help tapes from the ‘80s about how to Pinky: I have a day job. I definitely don’t live off it. I sell a good be more successful in the office and make more money. There’s amount of tapes, and I’ve had people ask me about distributing such a coked-up feel to them like, “Go right up to those fuckers them, but I like to keep it under the radar. Like, if somebody sees and let them know you’re in charge! Fuck them, you’re the only that I’ve put a three-second clip of the most embarrassing moment one that matters!” I just found this Richard Simmons exercise tape of their lives on it, it’s like, “Why did you even bring it up? Why for handicapped children. I’m not sure what I’m gonna do with it. not just let sleeping dogs lie?” Because then they know who I am I don’t wanna be too cruel, but it is kinda funny on a certain level. and everything. I think if anyone ever came after me to sue me or whatever, I think they’d be pretty underwhelmed as to the amount There are four different volumes of TV Carnage available of money they could get out of me. But it does generate a little bit from www.tvcarnage.com of money; it helped pay to make Strip Club DJ’s. More and more people are getting into it, and I’m starting to get fan emails and 49 [email protected]

“…whenever any form of government becomes destructive … it is tering to vote doesn’t mean I divorce myself from simultaneously the right of the people to alter it or abolish it, and to institute new working on deeper, more fundamental change, like dismantling the government.” Electoral College. Voting means I can try to avoid getting less –United States Declaration of Independence screwed in the present. The two activities aren’t mutually exclusive. Do I think Al Gore was the answer? No. Do I think he’d be better Voting’s a tricky subject. On one side, it’s pretty much a stan- than Bush? Yes. dard in high school civics classes that Americans’ right to vote is In retrospect, I understand that Sara and I were expressing what keeps us—the common folk—so damned powerful. We have almost the exact sentiment on the imperfect voting situation in wild- to elect those who govern us. Admittedly, we don’t live in a dicta- ly different ways. She voted for Nader, only when she was certain torship. We accept certain rules. If there is someone we don’t want that Gore would take California. Otherwise she would have voted elected, we can’t lop their heads off with a machete. We get to for Gore to curtail the possibility of Bush taking the state. She knew punch holes in a very specific piece of paper that a machine reads, Bush would be dangerous, yet she had no love for Gore. She’s prag- and when all the little pieces of paper are tallied, there’s a winner. matic like that. That’s citizenship, pure and simple. What we’ve been led to believe is that a vote is our voice. We’re told it can be our grievance and Going back to civics class; one thing that had been instilled in card-stock revolution. I don’t quite believe this. me was that each and every vote counted. That assertion was After I turned eighteen, I voted in a national election. The per- backed by reminding us that Hitler came into power by a ridiculous- son I cast a ballot for didn’t win. As a matter of fact, he didn’t come ly small number of votes. If we didn’t vote, we could run the risk of close. I lost interest because my vote seemed ineffectual, almost some really nasty people running the country. invalid. Politics seemed to be very far away from me. I moved out I’m not one to take too much stock in my own cultural heritage, of one state and never re-registered in the new one. but I’m half Polish. During the beginning of World War I, the As I write this, I’m thirty-two, and I just got around to re-regis- Polish cavalry underestimated the power of these things the tering to vote. Why did it take so long? At first, I was at a loss for a Germans had called “tanks.” On horses, swords held high, entire reason for not wanting to vote beyond avoiding jury duty. Then I battalions of Poles in fancy uniforms were killed. When many of found a quote from Father Hagerty, the 1912 spokesman for the them ran out of bullets trying to pierce the tanks’ armor, after their Industrial Workers of the World who said, “Dropping pieces of swords broke, they resorted to throwing rocks. This activity ulti- paper into a hole in a box never did achieve emancipation of the mately resulted in them being slaughtered. Why’d they stay and working class.” fight? Mostly because they couldn’t comprehend that their form of The person I had the most detailed talks about voting was Sara. warfare had become obsolete. Their pride and interpretation of her- Sara’s awesome. We were dating at the time. “Todd, we’re talking itage kept them from backing down. They went with what they about voting for President, not emancipation.” She was right. I knew, didn’t adapt after it was discovered their tactics were horribly needed to pick a better battle. Then I came up with, “If a vote for ineffective, and they were consequently destroyed. President is a choice between the lesser of two evils, you’re still There’s this thing in America that not a lot of people truly dealing with evil, and I’ve chosen not to.” She replied, “Then you understand. It’s called the Electoral College. Although it doesn’t can’t complain. You can’t change anything by not voting.” reflect a true and direct national vote, both major political parties in Then I told her there’s a big difference between apathy and dis- America are doing their best to keep it in place. affection. Apathy’s just not caring. (“Fuck it.”) Disaffection is con- It’s the Electoral College that finally rusted up my motivation to scientious. (“Fuck them.”) Which was the approach I was taking. vote in the 2000 election. No matter how much I wanted to “make a Dillinger Four, sages that they are, backed my sentiment: “Saying difference,” I felt I was doing little more than hucking a rock at a that someone doesn’t have a right to complain if they don’t vote is tank that could crush me like a grape if it decided to turn towards to like punishing the hungry persons disappointed at being offered me. I understand I have a semi-romantic vision of working for a either the piss soup or the shit cake.” I spend a lot of time thinking change in the world, of being subversive. It would be great if a vote and researching the ways the current government creatively strips was like throwing rocks in an upper class nudist colony, and that the Declaration of Independence. I, actively for years on end, did every toss could result in some rich person getting a big, fat bruise not vote. to make them stop raping the lower class. I think of it this way, if it Sara wanted more and didn’t think that stating “don’t vote” was really is true that two percent of Americans own ninety percent of a very positive message to today’s youth. She was right. People the wealth (or some ratio similarly unbalanced), there’s ninety-eight should make choices on their own. percent of “us” who could truly change how America operated, or, Slowly, over the last several years, I’ve come up with an at the very least, vote who gets to lead us. Sure, it’s optimistic. No amendment to my own reply, and this comes from realizing that matter how democratic elections are, they’re just fleeting, four-year George W. Bush is a very non-nice guy who affects my life apart peaks of popular participation. In the four years between elec- adversely every day. I just look at my friends—a majority of them tions most people really don’t pay too much attention to politics, who are now unemployed—to the attacks on Afghanistan and Iraq, unless the President’s getting his dick sucked or if we’re bombing to the worldwide attempt to reverse the legalization of abortion. I the hell out of another country and they happen to kill some of our think that although Al Gore was the lesser of two evils, he’s still the troops in return. lesser. I’ve also come to the conclusion that by regis- But, elections aren’t democratic. 50 Let me repeat that. A one-to-one ratio, what’s called a “direct and slave masses voting them out of their positions. The founders vote,” doesn’t exist in America, when voting for the President. were wary of giving people the power to directly elect the President. The procedure in the United States is you sign up to vote, and in They knew that voting—truly democratic, widespread, national the event you’ve got hole punching techniques mastered, you show elections—was the central problem to their continued control. So, up on voting day, select a President, and go home, satisfied that they set up a system that looked a little more like Athens and a little you’ve done your part to support a Presidential hopeful. You’ve less like the regime they just declared independence from: England been told that you directly participated in what’s been touted as one and its monarchy. of the greatest philosophical and political triumphs in the past cou- The Electoral College was partially set up in response to the ple of centuries. Democracy. If you’re extremely lucky, you get an geographic necessities of the time. They lived without cell phones, “I Voted” sticker. without private jets, without fax machines, without satellites. The Electoral College, as it’s set up now, is a decoy; a shrewd, Horses were used for travelling across huge landmasses. The tele- effective control of mass society. type machine hadn’t been invented. Being so, it could take months Recently, I began to wonder why I have such an aversion to to collect all of the Presidential ballots from all the citizenry and get participate in national politics, yet follow it so closely. Someone them to one centralized place to be counted. It would take too long. said it way before me: “If voting changed anything, it’d be illegal.” Accordingly, the founders decided to pool the votes together. It’s On a personal voting level, many people feel that for me to be “real- kind of like wads of cash that are bundled into stacks of a hundred istic” about participating in one of the nation’s biggest decisions, and bound with a paper band. The Elector took the role of simplifier I’m going to have to punch my card for a donkey or an elephant, the and cast his vote in reflection of his state’s political choice. That two icons which the most powerful in society have put forth as my Elector would get on his steed and gallop his votes up to the seat of choice. Sometimes there’s a tiny, tiny third party candidate—like a the national government (at that time, Philadelphia). To make the Nader—but no other real alternatives. Maybe I’m guilty of wanting math simpler and take a lot of 00,000s out of the equation, states more out of my government, that I still feel that it can be a very real were given Electoral votes. The number was equal to the total num- tool “of the people and by the ber of representatives and sen- people.” By no happy accident, ators that state had. There’s American society, although it no denying that the Electoral has more freedom of expression College was a clean and rela- than many societies in the tively easy way to get an elec- world, sets limits beyond which tion over with. For an exam- respectable people (i.e. experts, ple, take Kentucky. It now has newscasters, political candi- six representatives in the dates) are not supposed to House and two senators. think, speak, and, ultimately, Kentucky gets eight electoral vote. votes. That takes considerably less resources and legwork to “Even as late as 1912 A.D., tally the votes of the actual the great mass of the people number of people living in still persisted in the belief that Kentucky of legal voting age they ruled the country by (approximately 3.7 million virtue of their ballots. In reali- people according to the 1992 ty, the country was ruled by census). what were called political This two-tiered process machines.” –Jack London, (popular vote gets mushed The Iron Heel into an Elector’s pocket, Elector casts vote in the Let’s set some terms. The Electoral College) resulted in common understanding of a an election exercise that gave democracy is that it’s a govern- the power to an elite echelon ment by the common people of politicians whose one vote, (the primary source of political quite literally, stood in for power): majority rule. However, the United States isn’t a democra- thousands of their constituents’. The framers were happy. They got cy. It’s a republic: a political order in which supreme power lies a representation of a popular vote and a populace that wouldn’t get with a small body of citizens who are entitled to vote. unruly. What’s the difference between the two terms? In a republic, To distill this to its purest form, the state’s right to choose a ordinary citizens are excluded from the final process. President eclipsed a single voter’s cast ballot. Under this federal Although I have what George du Maurier phrased as, “a proper system, the nation-wide popular vote had no legal significance. It democratic scorn for bloated dukes and lords,”—a basic mistrust of still doesn’t. On paper, it was golden. The founding fathers figured people with money and power—let me state that I love America. that the presidential elections in each state would be decisive, and It’s a great place. Toilets flush, roads are paved, stores are open that the state’s electoral votes would directly mirror the state’s pop- twenty-four hours a day, libraries are stocked with books, bridges ular vote. The Electoral College insulates the election of the span waterways, I can push down a lever and get delicious toast, President from the people by having the people elect not the person and electricity’s pretty standard. All these things are great but that of the President, but the person of the Elector, who is pledged to doesn’t stop me from believing that evil and powerful puppets rep- vote for a specific person for President. Though the ballot may read resented by asses and elephants are still running the country. “Presidential Candidate X,” you’re really voting for “Elector X,” Now some history. who’s a Presidential Candidate X supporter. The framers supposed The Electoral College was put into place by the framers of the that everything would remain nice and easy. Not so. Constitution. It’s officially in Article 2, Section 1 and is also in the However brilliant this nation’s fathers were, they had no way of Twelfth Amendment. The founding fathers were smart guys, no foreseeing some major factors that would forever hamstring and doubt. Smart enough to know to not let power get away from them- antiquate their streamlined process. These two things were political selves and into the hands of the “tyranny of the majority.” These parties, and the concept that non-white, non-male, non-landowners articles and amendments were safeguards against the uneducated would actually one day get to vote. 51 As strange as it seems now, it’s difficult to imagine an America themselves by giving campaign funding to the party, or someone without Republicans and Democrats at each other’s throats. It was- who has a personal relationship with the Presidential candidate. n’t always so. In fact, the framers of the Constitution didn’t even There remains a nagging, yet moot question: “What happens if an consider the absolute might of one or two parties. Instead, they Elector ‘defects’ and casts their vote for the other candidate, thus thought that each state—not party—would want their own home- changing the outcome of an entire election?” Although, it’s a slap in grown candidate to run for President. The opposite occurred. The the face of the tens of thousands of voters who cast their vote for a Electoral College became the cornerstone and guardian of the two- specific candidate that an Elector reverses on a whim, “defective party system. electors,” in their breach of trust, haven’t changed the outcome of As a bit of background, the Republican and Democratic parties an election. started, ironically, as one. It was called the Republican-Democratic There have been about 16,000 Electors in the history of the Party, founded by Thomas Jefferson. They were opposed to the United States. A few more than a dozen have defected. The first Federalist Party in 1792. It split in 1828, and dropped the defections occurred in 1796 when a Federalist Elector voted for Republican part of its name. The Republican Party came back into Thomas Jefferson (a Republican), and in 1820 Senator Abner prominence in 1854 upon the platform of opposing slavery. It was- Lacock deprived James Monroe of a unanimous vote in the n’t until 1856—eighty years after the ink had dried on the Electoral College by giving John Quincy Adams—who wasn’t even Constitution—that both major parties starting having national con- a candidate—his vote. Every time Richard Nixon was a candidate, LET'S TAKE A QUICK LOOK AT THIS. STATES ARE ARTIFICIAL, LEGAL CONSTRUCTS. THEY ARE PLOTS OF LAND... THEY DON'T HAVE MINDS AND DON'T HAVE OPINIONS. A GRASSY FIELD CAN'T VOTE. ventions and began cinching down their now-suffocating power. one of his Electors betrayed him. (Harry Byrd, a Virginian Millard Fillmore, a Whig who served from 1850-1853, was the last Democrat was quoted as saying “I can’t stomach Nixon.”) Just in United States President who was neither a Republican nor a case you’re playing Trivial Pursuit, the most unique switcharoo was Democrat. in 1972. Roger Mac Bride, co-producer of Little House on the Electorally speaking, elections were relatively clean until 1824. Prairie, used his Electoral vote for a third-party candidate, Toni Things got hairy when the election was split four ways between Nathan, who was the first woman to ever receive one. Andrew Jackson, John Quincy Adams, William Crawford, and “Hey, wait, what about third-party people like that big-eared Henry Clay. Although Andrew Jackson got more popular votes and wingnut Perot? Didn’t he get some of the Electoral College?” Nope. a plurality of the Electoral College (a plurality is if none of the can- Since the Electoral College has very little to do with the overall didates receive more than 50% of the vote), he lost the presidential national vote, there are no third party Electors at all. Although Perot election to Adams. (Adams won in the House of Representatives. received nineteen percent of the popular vote—almost one in five For a bit of historical trivia, The House has chosen two Presidents: votes cast in the United States—his total votes were spread out over Thomas Jefferson in 1800 and John Quincy Adams in 1825.) many states. He didn’t register a single Electoral vote. The last third There are presently 538 electoral votes to be had, and since party candidate to actually dent the Electoral College was Teddy there are only two parties that can get electoral votes, the magic Roosevelt and the Bull Moose Party. He got eighty-eight in 1912. number to win an election is 270 (one more than half). The mathe- The most disconcerting and obvious flaw in the Electoral matics of the Electoral College is alluring. A tie for the presidential College is that Presidential candidates who won the popular vote race is a statistically remote possibility, even with the smaller states have lost the election. In 1876 Rutheford B. Hayes had fewer popu- chiming in. lar votes, yet beat Samuel J. Tilden in the Electoral College and in The question must be asked: Do you want an “easy” form of 1888 the same happened when Benjamin Harrison beat Grover government or a more true form of representation? Put another way, Cleveland. do you want your vote to count directly, or do you want someone In 2000, there was little contention that Al Gore won the popu- else to cast your vote for you? lar vote by 300,000 votes, yet lost the popular vote in Florida by Although the framers of the Constitution put a lot of time and less than a thousand votes. (This national popular vote is far from effort into setting up the structure of the Electoral College, it’s quite the slimmest margin in a Presidential popular vote. In 1880, James possible that famed brewer and patriot, Samuel Adams, encouraged Garfield won the by only .1%—only 9,457 votes.) This brings up the founding fathers to say, “Blast it. Leave it where it stands,” and another flaw in the smaller print of the Electoral College. Namely, they called an early end to a session instead of fleshing out rudi- most states have a rule that says whichever candidate gets a plurali- mentary details on how the Electoral College would operate. That ty of the vote in a state, gets all of the Electoral votes of that state. could help explain why absolutely zippo effort was put into setting The one with the highest percentage takes all of the Electoral votes up the process of selecting Electors beyond saying, “Let the states for that state. Just for the sake of argument, say that a candidate in a decide as long as the Elector is not an employee or an elected repre- two-party race won a state election by 51% percent. The twenty- sentative of the federal government.” Much later, the Fourteenth five Electoral votes of Florida aren’t divvied up 51% and 49% per- Amendment added that Electors couldn’t be “state officials who cent, to approximate the popular vote. Whoever gets that 1% margin have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the U.S., or given wins 100% of the Electoral vote. Forty-eight states in the nation aid or comfort to its enemies.” It’s also relatively safe to assume have adopted this “winner takes all” mode of aggregating votes. that many of the founding fathers, hesitant to make their new form Nebraska (five E.C. votes) and Maine (four E.C. votes) are the only of government look like England’s monarchy, were state’s rights two that are geared to split their Electoral votes. advocates—figuring that each state could figure out its own rules To simplify this: due to the math system of the Electoral concerning the appointment of Electors. Being so, they didn’t write College, the less than a thousand votes in Florida beat out 300,000 it down that Electors, by law, had to cast their votes according to nationwide votes. How is that even pretending to be a democracy? their constituents’ popular vote. In 2000, only twenty-four states It’s been asserted that dismantling the Electoral College would (and D.C.) required it. The founders passed the authority along to take away a lot of power from the smaller states (which now have a each state to decide how its citizens would chose Electors, who in larger voice, per capita of constituents, than bigger states), that turn would cast their decisive ballots. politicians would cater to the larger states and ignore places like Following such broad guidelines, the states have pretty much Vermont and Nevada. Let’s take a quick look at this. States are arti- chosen whomever and however they’ve wished. Electors are usually ficial, legal constructs. They are plots of land. As any other abstract state elected officials, party leaders, someone who’s ingratiated entity or inanimate object, they don’t have minds and don’t have opinions. A grassy field can’t vote. A skatepark can’t vote. The cal types, either. In 1968, the American Bar Association in a mind and opinion of a state belongs solely to the people who hap- Judiciary Subcommittee stated that, “The Electoral College method pen to live within the geographic confines of that state. With that in of electing a President is archaic, undemocratic, complex, ambigu- mind, it would make much more sense to give the power to those ous, indirect, and dangerous.” Furthermore, the Bar went on to cite with minds—the people of the state—instead of giving it to an arti- that in fifteen elections, a shift of less than one percent of the ficial construct. Logically speaking, entitling one person to one vote national vote would have made the popular vote loser the President. would give all states equal power because it would represent the Clearly, and beyond a reasonable doubt, there’s a problem with the people living in those states more closely. Electoral College. As it stands now, it’s theoretically possible for a candidate to Currently, there’s some buzz about reforming the Electoral capture the eleven largest states, plus D.C., to win an Electoral College, but it’s an uphill battle. What’s needed is a formal Article majority, leaving thirty-nine states without a voice, even if all thir- V Amendment to the Constitution, which requires what’s called a ty-nine are unanimously against the candidate. Currently in the super majority—passing votes in both houses of Congress. Again, Electoral College, small states are interesting in a strategic sense, why are Republicans and Democrats going to risk their hold on but they truly are merely pawns in the bigger chess match. power? They’re not going to unless there’s extreme outside pressure Although it is rarely verbalized or articulated by politicians, from the populace, like there was for term limits. there’s the fear that anarchy and mass confusion would result from a popular vote. If that were universally true, both Finland and Let’s take a breather and take a step back for a second to get France—two countries that have popular elections—would have this all in perspective. Voting is one direct method of activism. long since burned to the ground. Excepting the fictional character, Surely, there are many other methods of dissent, but this one is free, Bullworth, politicians secretly think that the populace is a bunch of legal, and encouraged by most Americans. It’s something ordinary, idiots who need to be lied hard-working Americans to. “Presidential election can understand and are experts” assert that ordinary comfortable with. That said, people don’t know a good in 2004 there’s a brand new President from a bad one, wrinkle for the punk rock- and need to be guided by ers reading this. First off, people who know better. high fives all around. They point to two examples, Welcome to the national arguably two of America’s political arena for the first worst Presidents: Warren G. time ever. You are now part Harding and Richard Nixon. of a national political force They both gleaned more to be reckoned with. I’d like than sixty percent of the to tip the hat to popular vote, while great PunkVoter.com, who has Presidents like Abraham not only done a great job Lincoln, were unable to pull energizing punk rockers in a majority (39.8% in through their website and 1860). All I’m asserting is Rock Against Bush compi- that they shouldn’t have it lation CD/DVDs, but also both ways. They shouldn’t extending a bevy of infor- be able to say, “Your vote mation to punk rockers’ counts” and then count it families, too. By extending only when it fits their plan. a firm handshake to the Why does the Electoral populace at large and pro- College still exist? Maybe viding reason after reason because both Democrats why George W. Bush is a and Republicans know god awful President, they they’re sitting pretty. have helped lead the They’ve got the only two charge. If it takes a crappy, clubs in the country that popular band like allow their chosen candidate Yellowcard on a Rock to become the most power- Against Bush Vol. 2 comp. ful person on the planet. to sway some folks to vote, The system, as designed, puts them square on the top of the that’s a bitter pill I’m willing to swallow if I can wake up in heap. They aren’t just going to roll out the red carpet to their chal- November and realize that there won’t be any more Bush. lengers. A fundamental change, one that truly needs to be made, Would it help if I put it in terms of Star Wars? George Bush is keeps on sliding by. I’m not too stupid to understand why. Why well on his way to making a Death Star. Give him four years, and vote yourself out of office? Why give true power to the people it’ll be completed. Remember what the Death Star is designed for? when they believe they already have it? Magicians never reveal Destroying entire planets. George W. Bush is a gigantic, ever- their tricks. increasing threat to all American people who aren’t millionaires and ingratiating themselves to him. I’m really having a difficult time “The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain thinking how anyone, even through this hugely flawed election occasions that I wish it to be always kept alive. It will often be exer- process, could be any worse. cised when wrong, but better so than not to be exercised at all. I like Now that you’ve registered, how are you going to cast that a little rebellion now and then. It is like a storm in the atmosphere.” vote? I only ask that you use your brain. Be smart about it. –Thomas Jefferson, to Abigail Adams I think I’ve finally come to grips with what Sara meant when she said she believes in voting. It’s not that she believes the entire I’m not the first to have this hair up my ass about dismantling system is golden, but it’s the only system that we have and we have the Electoral College. Over seven hundred proposals have been to work within it to change it. She wants to speak its own language introduced in Congress to reform or eliminate it. It’s not just politi- of checks and balances, change its tires once in 53 awhile, and give it a tune-up. While I believe the system itself needs ideas. This election could very well be the first tentative step to dis- to be dismantled in many ways. I still—deep down—agree with The solving the idea that there is and will always be a two-party system Feederz’s Frank Discussion who said, “If you think it’s humiliating in America. These things take time. With a little voter-driven help, to be ruled, how much more degrading is it to have to choose your other parties like the Libertarians and the Peace and Freedom Party masters?” However, I’m going to vote not because I think it’s going may also be able to blip into America’s national political radar. to change a damn thing, but partially because it really bothered Sara Wildcards could start looking like threats to the two-party system. and my parents (who are really nice, really rational people) that I To me, that’s a good thing. didn’t vote. Sara said she would vote for Nader only if the Democratic can- In the spirit of not just bitching, I’ve come up with a two-tiered didate had a lock on the state in 2000. The more I considered this, resolution for voting. First are the immediate steps I think would the wiser it became. You’ve probably heard the line that a vote for work within our current voting system, and second are steps beyond Nader is a vote for Bush. Not one hundred percent correct. Due to the Electoral College. the nuances in the Electoral College, if a state is overwhelmingly Popular elections for President should be spread out over sever- voting either Republican or Democrat, your vote doesn’t amount to al days. I say a working day and a weekend day, at least. Most peo- squat. For instance, it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that ple work the exact time the polls are open, making it really hard to California’s fifty-four electoral votes are going to Kerry. On elec- get there on time. Hell, why not just make election day a national tion day, I’ll wake up, turn on the television or the radio, and study holiday, so everyone will be off work? the exit polls. (An exit poll is a telling barometer of actual voting. On a more philosophical level, the United States is a technolog- People are asked whom they voted for after they’ve exited the vot- ical dynamo of a country. Wouldn’t it be great that instead of ing booths.) You can vote later in the day. Be patient. If my hunch “spreading freedom” by constantly devising more devastating THAT SAID, IN 2004 THERE'S A BRAND NEW WRINKLE FOR THE PUNK ROCKERS READING THIS... YOU ARE NOW PART OF A NATIONAL POLITICAL FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH. is correct and Kerry weaponry, to kill has indisputably won more people in for- California before I eign lands we just head off to the polls, pissed off, if a mere another vote for him fraction of the just won’t matter. A defense budget vote for Nader in this could be reinvested instance isn’t a waste. on a very simple (The same goes if you principle called vot- live in Texas. Like it ing? What if a mere or not, Texas is going trace of the enthusi- to fall to Bush. Your asm used in “the vote for Kerry will be name of democracy” electorally null and was invested in a void.) A vote for nation-wide, beefy Nader in Texas and voting network that California are direct would enable each votes towards a nation- and every eligible ally recognized third voter in this land a party system. palpable hand in However, if you live in selecting their lead- a swing state or a state ers, both local and where the exit polls are national? Instead of indecisive or teetering back and forth, I suggest a vote for Kerry. the U.S. government spending fourteen billion dollars on trying to Why is it important to vote for a third party candidate if it’s improve the Osprey—a helicopter/plane hybrid that’s adept at safe? As with all of the other considerations in this essay, voting for killing U.S. Marines by dropping out of the sky on repeated occa- an third party candidate isn’t the end-all, be-all to a participatory sion—I suggest putting that money towards a standardized voting democracy. It is the first step in a long march towards putting a machine that’s like an ATM. More importantly, a non-profit, non- crack in the Electoral College’s absolute control by allowing more affiliated voting foundation or league should run the machines. than just two political parties to shape our national political future. Votes are tallied electronically, the citizen gets a printout of how It is a small step in the right direction to a true democracy. One way they voted, and if a recount is needed, everyone has their receipts. to establish a third party candidate into the national psyche is to You get one when you buy a bag of jellybeans, why not get one have those candidates in national political debates. Unfortunately, when you cast a vote for President? for an overwhelming portion of Americans, if something’s not on When and if the Electoral College is dismantled, it would be TV, it doesn’t exist. If a third party candidate gets five percent of much easier to count one person, one vote because a sophisticated the popular vote, they’ll be able to receive matching federal funds. system would already be in place. This is how it should have been (In the 2000 election, Nader garnered 2,882,728 votes, 2.7% of the from the start. I bet you anything that if people actually see their popular vote. A little over half of what he was gunning for.) With vote meaning something—instead of being transferred, processed, five percent, the government will double the amount of money third demeaned by pundits, and quite possibly lost—that a nice chunk of party candidates can spend on their campaigns. It could lead to apathy would erode. some face time on the boob tube for folks like Ralph Nader, who, Mine sure would. although he looks like a disheveled marmot and could work on not talking like a college professor all the time, has many solid policy 55 Interview and pictures by Todd Taylor Introduction by Josh

think the beauty of small town punk rock is its purity. was just tired of that place and he wanted to do something else. Yeah, it’s scarce, and sometimes you really have to Then it kind of fizzled out and we knew it was over. The rest IIsearch for it, but for the most part, it’s stripped of all of us kept wanting to play so we did. Chris and I, who started the typical “rock” behavior of larger cities. There’s no the Reds, it was our thing, so I didn’t feel right about continu- comb-flailing pretty boy bands trying to affect this pose or ing. that pose, no squawking managers speaking on behalf of the Mike: I think that three piece line-up was the first Marked band, nobody whispering in your ear, just plenty of time to Men seven-inch we did, on Mortville. There are only three refine what you’re doing. Don’t believe me? How about people on that. Scared of Chaka from Albuquerque, New Mexico, or the Todd: Confirm or deny this assessment of the Marked Men New Bomb Turks from Columbus, Ohio? Two of the best sound: You guys “make music for grease monkeys and people bands of the last decade, and neither of them came from who work with retards.” anywhere near some over-hyped rock mecca. Jeff: You were reading an old Reds interview. That’s our What does all this have to do with anything? The friend Dillon who interviewed us. At the time, all of us except Marked Men are from a small town in Texas, and all they for Joe worked with the mentally retarded as a job. do is play music. No artifice, no bullshit, just slashing rock Todd: For somebody who doesn’t know about the Marked and roll, unaffected by trends. It’s pop, but with daggers for Men, can you kind of season them to it a little bit? From my melodies and their fingers jammed in a light socket. In their perspective, you’re kind of hard to explain, and that’s a bene- own low-key, unassuming way, they’ve released two unbe- fit. I hear a lot of Dils, I hear a lot of Buzzcocks, but that’s just lievable albums that are both waiting to glue themselves to kind of starting points, not the end points of the band. I’ve read your record player. a ton of reviews and very few of them carry the same reference points. Todd: Mark, take me through the scenario where you’re dri- Mike: I figure the less words you put to it, the better, because ving through Los Angeles and you hit a pedestrian. I’ve heard people talk about hearing stuff that I’ve never heard, Mark: Well, that was a real bad day. The Reds were supposed bands that I’m not familiar with. I think that’s cool, people get to play at the Garage and we showed up and the place was a “you get out of it what you put into it” kind of thing. closed and nobody knew why or what was going on and the Todd: Is there a band that gets mentioned that you just don’t whole show got cancelled and nobody told us. We went and ate agree with? Like, “Oh, you guys sound like Yes.” at this terrible Mexican food restaurant and I’m pulling out and Joe: That would be a dream come true. I just run into this guy. I swear, I barely hit him. It wasn’t even Mark: It’s kind of strange, because we did a real short tour of a big deal Europe, but a lot of the places, since we did the first record on Jeff: Just kind of bumped him and he fell over. Rip Off, most of the people were expecting the rock and roll, Mark: And he’s like threatening to call the police and wanting punk, garage rock stuff, which I don’t really think we are. I us to give him money and he kept going on and on. I was like, want us to be a pop band, but really fast and a lot of energy. I “I don’t care. I’m going to call the police,” so I did. He left and want the songs to be catchy so people will still be singing them then limped back with his brother who spoke better English, I after they leave. guess. We filed a report, and the cops didn’t even want to do it. Mike: We don’t want to be a carbon copy of ‘77 punk. You I had lawyers calling me for like a year after that trying to get want to bring something different to the table, because that’s money out of me. The guy was fine. It was just stupid. That obviously been done. was my first LA experience. Todd: How did Greg Lowery find out about you guys? It Todd: What’s the background of the band? A couple of you doesn’t seem like a natural thing that he would put out. guys were in the Reds? Jeff: We did two records with him as the Reds, and I didn’t Mark: Vocals and Guitar • Jeff: Mike: Drums Joe: Bass Mike: All three of us (Mark, Mike, and Jeff). even think he would like it at all. I didn’t think we fit on the Mark: We were a three piece for a while right after the Reds label, but it worked out for us because he was the one to do it split up because our old bass player, Chris, moved away to right then and we were ready to do it. Japan. Todd: Did he have any stipulations that you were kind of leery Todd: Why’d he do that? about? Mark: He lived in a small town, Denton, his whole life. He Jeff: Not really, ‘cause he’s known us for a while. He’s made a 56 lot of bands re-record and stuff like that. The only thing he really requires is that the band has to be on the cover in some We don’t do crazy shit and get drunk constantly. way, shape, or form. But other than that, he lets us do whatever Joe: We’re still all a little bit off in our own way. We’re not aver- we want. age people. Above average. [laughs] Todd: Would you ever grow a beard? Todd: Outside of music, where do you get most of your inspira- Mark: Personally, I don’t like facial hair. Joe has a moustache tion? Not necessarily playing—what inspires you to continue to every once in a while. be an above average person? Joe: I shaved it last night. Joe: Anytime my hair looks all right and I think my hair’s grow- Mark: It makes him look real creepy. Driving a van around and ing thicker from the thickening shampoo. When a girl kisses talking to girls and stuff. me… I don’t know. Mike: Greg Lowery’s asked people to change their names before. Todd: Were you ever picked on as a kid? Jeff: The Atomsmashers used to be called something else… So Joe: Yes. I was a chubby kid and I was really shy and really anyway, we have a new record out. timid. I’ve never really been the kind of person to stand up to Todd: Is it on Dirtnap? anybody, so I was picked on because I would take it, being a little Jeff: Yeah, it came out in May. fat kid. At the same time, I don’t have too many horror stories. Todd: So why the switch of labels? I’ve got whore stories, though. Mark: I don’t know. Greg’s a big teddy bear. He’s a nice guy. Mark: I bought Joe a whore. We love him to death. When the Reds broke up, we hugged and Joe: You’re clean over there, though. And she said I was her first cried and stuff. It works out better for us. one ever. Mike: For one thing, there’s a stigma that follows some Rip Off Mark: Basically, it was a joke of mine. I kept saying I was going bands around. You go to places and people automatically think to buy him a whore because he’s the only one who doesn’t have a “punk rock assholes” and they wouldn’t want us to stay with girlfriend. When we got there, I pulled out fifty Euros and he them. We’re pretty quiet people, for the most part, so it’s nice to took it and went and did it. I didn’t think he would but he did. get away from that, to a degree. Joe: I proved everyone wrong that night. Jeff: Dirtnap’s my favorite label going right now. Todd: Can you give me some Marked Men lyrics? Todd: Mike, you were in a surf band, is that right? Mark: No. [laughs] Actually, on the songs that I sing, you can Mike: Yeah, he and I were in a surf band together. We’ve been probably understand them pretty easily, but with Jeff, you can’t playing music together since we were like eighteen. understand anything. Todd: How did you get one of your tracks onto a documentary? Mike: There’s a lot of bands that you can’t understand what the Mike: Oh, our friend Kevin Harrison made the documentary. hell they’re saying and you can make up your own lyrics. Todd: What was the name of it? Teengenerate’s a really great example of that. Mike: The Locals. It’s cool because we did some recordings Jeff: One of the songs on the new album was titled by my friend’s before we broke up that never made it out. We still have the reels four-year-old. She had a demo CD and she would sing along with and we might remix it and put it out someday. Anyway, Kevin her own lyrics, so we just used some of her words for the title. gave a home to that, so that was really cool. Mark: “Master Wicked.” That’s what she titled it. Todd: Have you had to adjust your drumming at all to be in this Mike: You’ll actually be able to understand the lyrics a little bet- band? ter on the new record because it’s a little cleaner produced. Mike: Yeah, it’s real linear. I’m too hyperactive to sit still and Mark: We just don’t really care about that part very much. Like play real boring stuff, but there’s always been a lot of surf in my we were talking about with Teengenerate and the Registrators, playing. I do a lot of double backbeats and stuff like that. those bands are incredibly poppy and you can sing along, but you Todd: Everyone has to add to this. What do you think is the blue- don’t know what the hell they’re singing about. print or the skeleton key for the band? Mike: Sweet JAP’s the same way. I’ve got to say, they’re God’s Jeff: I think it’s just since the Reds and since we’ve been playing gift to punk rock. Every time I see them, it’s just a blessing. with each other for so long, we trust each other what with what Todd: What’s the most creative act of vandalism you’ve seen we’re going to do, and we work real hard on writing songs. lately? Mike: I think a common point of departure for us is that we want Joe: I saw this guy who showed me digital photos of him stealing to have a good time. We all get along pretty easily. the Texas flag that’s on top of the Alamo. Seriously. That’s feder- Mark: We’re pretty boring. We’re not like rock and roll guys. al and stuff. I saw this guy who showed me digital photos of him stealing the Texas flag that's on top of the Alamo. Seriously. That's federal and stuff.

Mark: What was one band that they played at the Hard Rock Joe: Usually it’s just friends making inside jokes or stuff that Café in Dallas and they smashed the case where… embarrasses me. Joe: That was at South By Southwest. The Icarus Line. Todd: Did any of you actually come to blows with the guys from Mark: Yeah, that was pretty cool. He ran out with Stevie Ray the Promise Ring? Is there any validity to that? Vaughn’s guitar. Mark: No. I think we made up some story about how we got into Joe: The Motards from Austin did the cardinal sin. They have a a fight with them or something. We were mad that they were seven-inch cover, it might be a Rip Off seven inch, where doing so well and we weren’t. they’re all pissing on a statue of Stevie Ray Vaughn, which in Todd: Can you tell people about the phenomenon of Time Bomb Austin is the ultimate sin, which is ridiculous. Tom? Todd: What’s the best part about being from Denton, Texas? Mark: For a while, when the Reds would go up there (to Green Are you all from Denton? Bay, Wisconsin), it was just so fun. It’s kind of like Denton now, Mark: Pretty much. Joe’s originally from El Paso. where you have kids coming out to the shows. It was his record Todd: How does it shape you, though? store and his club, Rock and Roll High School, that made that Mark: It’s a college town and it’s really insular, like everybody town. That one guy made such a huge difference. He’s crazy, too. plays in everybody else’s band. It’s pretty much just been a real- Mike: That club was all ages, and somebody was drinking out in ly tight knit scene and we just keep doing it and we love it. For a the parking lot and it attracted the cops or something like that. In long time, there wasn’t much as far as places to play, but it’s get- the middle of our set, Tom came up on stage and just screamed ting a lot better right now. One thing that happened that was real into the PA, scaring the shit out of everybody. He said, “Hey, I cool was that the (Riverboat) Gamblers played a high school, need your attention,” and people weren’t paying attention, so he and now a bunch of high school kids are coming out to see the just goes, “SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!” You could hear Marked Men and the Gamblers and stuff. crickets chirping, and he basically just laid it out. In order for Mike: There’s really nothing to do in Denton, so that really something like that to work, they can’t have any alcohol. They helped foster the music scene. There was one point where there can’t attract attention from The Man or whatever, because that’s were a lot of really cool house parties. how all those places get shut down. In that respect, I think that’s Todd: What about the geography of Texas as a whole? It’s kind where the “Time Bomb” part of it comes up. of isolated just because of the mass of the state, but also, you’re Jeff: One time, he couldn’t pay us or something, so he was like, oddly centralized. “I’ll give you some candy bars or something. I’m sorry I can’t Mike: Yeah, a lot of bands, if they’re touring the west coast or pay you enough.” He would fly in bands just because he liked east coast, they’ll often make Austin their first or last spot. them and he would have other bigger shows to pay for that kind That’s good. It’s only a three-hour drive to come down here. of stuff. Mark: I like being isolated. I like not being in the big scenes or Todd: Yeah, he flew the Humpers in one time. whatever, just because I feel like I can look at it more objective- Mike: It was cool because fourteen-year-old kids had an environ- ly. We just do what we like, and fuck everything else. ment where they could see cool punk rock bands that didn’t play Joe: I think what’s crazy about Texas is there are small towns everywhere, and there were so many kids in Green Bay that got right now that you would never think of, like Odessa, which is to see cool shows at such a young age and went on to start bands just oil derricks. They’re catching on and having shows. Three like the Mystery Girls and the Catholic Boys. I’m real jealous. I hundred kids are showing up for pretty big indie bands. Places didn’t get into punk until my late teens. There was a scene in that you wouldn’t even expect people to live, there are kids there Dallas, but it was pretty isolated. They got lucky. who are getting something started. Todd: Why were there only 500 copies of the 7” made? Was it a Mike: One thing that was cool about Denton was that the com- self-esteem issue? munity was really supportive of the scene and Dallas was getting Joe: That’s like the best-selling Mortville 7”. shittier and shittier. It’s really corporate and real pop. Basically, Jeff: That’s what he said. I don’t know if it’s true, though. every band wants to be Weezer. Weezer’s cool, but it’s been Joe: I like to think so [laughs]. I thought it was great [laughs]. done. A lot of shows would skip Dallas and play Denton. Todd: You guys record yourselves, too, is that correct? There’s been a couple of places that have done that, have kind of Mark: It’s mostly Jeff. stolen the thunder of Dallas as far as cool indie bands and punk Todd: All right, Jeff, you’re going to have to answer a question. bands, and that helped the Denton scene for sure. Is it out of necessity or do you like the entire process of making Jeff: It’s always more fun to play Denton than Ft. Worth or music and recording music? Dallas. Jeff: It’s cheaper. We’re very picky about sound, and we could- Mark: I used to really hate Denton and think, “Oh, I live in this n’t afford to spend a lot of time getting the mix right. Doing it shitty small town and there’s nothing cool here,” but then the ourselves, we can work as much as we want on it and make it more I travel, the more I like home. I appreciate it more. sound the way we want it to. Joe: It has its problems like everywhere else. I wish that there Todd: How involved is that? Did you make a studio? were cooler bars or something, but we’re lucky to even have Jeff: Oh, it’s not like a studio. venues, because there’s towns that size that have nothing. I find Mike: A shed. that I meet more people who know a lot about music and are Mark: There’s a shed in the back of his house, and I think really open minded about music than where it is to be cool. between Mike and Jeff and I, we put together enough stuff to Jeff: We got an Olive Garden now. have pretty good equipment. Joe: Texas Roadhouse. Jeff: We’re lucky, especially recently. Mark: We got a Popeye’s recently, which I was really happy Mark: I don’t know if other bands do this, like how much time about. they spend on recordings. I mean, it’s still kind of lo-fi, but that’s Todd: What’s the best heckle you’ve heard? our most important thing in the world—to make recordings sound cool, so we spend lots and lots of time mixing it and hours and hours Mark: Some of the new songs on the new record, I don’t know if working on it. he’s real sad right now, but it’s a little bit sadder. Maybe he’s Todd: It’s apparent, though. Your records sound great. depressed. I don’t know. I like to try to get him to talk about lyrics, Mike: We want to be able to look back in five years or so and be ‘cause they’re a little embarrassing sometimes. happy with it then, not have a bunch of stuff like, “Aw, I wish we Todd: You guys all went to Japan? could have done that differently.” The problem is because we have Mike: Yeah, we went there over Christmas. We played three shows all the time we want, for the most part, that can lead to total OCD. over there, one on Christmas Day, and then on the 27th and 28th, Endless mixes and remixes and re-remixes, so having deadlines can and Tetsuya from Das Boot helped set us up with shows. He’s gold be a good thing. as well, the goldest of the gold. We couldn’t say enough about how Todd: So are you guys doing analog? much he does to help the scene out there and to help us out. I’ve Jeff: Yeah. never heard anybody say anything bad about him. They couldn’t. Todd: That’s fantastic. They’d be wrong. Mark: Yeah, we borrowed this old one-inch reel machine. There’s Jeff: They were the most amazing bands we’ve ever played with. two or three tracks that don’t work on it. It’s a thirteen track. We played with Japan’s best bands, in my opinion. Mike: It makes this crazy sound when it runs, it’s like, “rrreeeeuur- Mike: We played a show with Firestarter. We played with some rrrrrrrrreeeeeuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrr.” other really, really great bands. Jeff: I love it. Mark: They’re my heroes. I was star struck to meet those guys. Todd: When was the last time your eyes failed you? They put on a great show and then we had to fucking go on after Jeff: I don’t know what to say about that. That song’s basically them. That was horrible. I wanted to just cry. When I was watching about how I freak out in front of people. 59 We just do what we like, and fuck everything else.

been a lot better lately. Mike: On tour, we usually set stuff up through other people, friends, and the friends take care of us. Todd: What is the worst job you’ve ever had? Joe: Telemarketer for a day. Todd: What did you telemarket? Joe: Selling cable packages, like there’s a silver package, a gold package, whatever. I think what I hated so much about it was the first day I did it, they them, I felt like a girl at a Beatles concert or something. I was so put me on the phones, and I didn’t care. I just excited to see them. worked the phones for a couple of hours, and then the next day was Mike: I was amazed how down to earth they were and how they just terrible. This one guy, who I’d never met, scared the crap out of were just all about keeping the rock alive. They’ve been through so me, he said, “Don’t. Ever. Call. Me. Again.” I took off my head- much and they just keep on playing and they seem to respect that in phones and went home. My roommates had a bet going about how other bands who do the same. Just doing it for the sake of doing it, long I was going to last. having fun. When we got compliments from them, I didn’t know Mike: My first job, when I was fifteen, I worked at a Braum’s for how to take it. like two or three weeks, and it was just hell. Todd: What was the biggest culture shock for going to Japan? Joe: What’s a Braum’s? Joe: It was my first time. I’ve never been in such a huge city with so Mike: For those of you who aren’t from the South, it’s an ice cream many people. I thought I was going to flip out. I would get anxiety shop, basically. They sell baked stuff and burgers. Man, it was just attacks just thinking about it, but I was so comfortable. I guess just misery. They were all militant about the ice cream had to weigh the seeing a million people everywhere… exact amount or whatever. The people I worked with were total Mark: And they’re all Japanese [laughs]. slackers, though. The managers needed work so badly that they Todd: They got a different word for everything. would let people get away with murder. They would just sit in the Joe: Also, just the language barrier. I didn’t even try talking to any- back and inhale the Reddi-Wip whippets. one, ‘cause it was just like, “Well, you’re not going to know.” Jeff: I didn’t have anything that bad. I had a couple temp jobs in fac- Mark: They don’t like to heat and air condition things very well, tories and stuff, assembly line stuff, but I’ve been doing the same either. thing for about eight years now. Mike: The toilet seats are heated. Oh, man, I don’t really care about Todd: What have you been doing? the bidet feature, but they had three types of bidets. Jeff: Just working with people with mental retardation. I’m tired of Todd: I take it you get it through connections with the Reds, but that, but it’s not terrible. you’ve toured Europe, too, is that correct? Mark: I was a case manager for mentally retarded people and I’ve Mark: The Marked Men did, yeah. That was one of the best things worked with them forever. I make jokes, but it’s a cool job, actually. Greg did was hook us up with this guy named Robert, who lives in Mike: You’ve got to blow off steam because it’s so intense. It takes Holland. a lot of patience. Mike: He plays in the Hot Pockets. Joe: You’ve got to hit them sometimes. [laughs] Mark: Yeah, he’s real cool. He does a good job booking shows and Mark: Slap them around. stuff like that, so having him book our shows was awesome. We had Mike: Actually, now that I think about it, I had a job that I did for a a really great time. It was beautiful weather, beautiful girls every- couple weeks. I was disposing toxic waste. Seriously. There’s this where. Real nice. stuff called PCB’s that are in fluorescent lights, and we had to break Todd: What’s the most mismatched bill you’ve been on? these lights down and put them in these huge ton-and-a-half barrels. Joe: I wasn’t in the band when this happened, but in Ft. Wayne, Looking back, it was so dangerous. We were supposed to wear these Indiana, they played with a Stevie Ray Vaughn blues band. That’s big spacesuits, radiation suits, and of course we just wore gloves. I pretty mismatched. In Hamburg, we played with a metal band. didn’t even wear goggles. My hands would be all arthritic and crip- Mike: Somewhere between cock rock and black metal. pled by the end of the day, and god knows what I exposed myself to, Joe: The singer was really influenced by Ozzy. cause the EPA still puts out stuff about how crazy PCB’s are. Mike: It was cool playing in Hamburg, though, because it was right Todd: Name one thing that you have no reverence for whatsoever. by the red light district. I’ve never seen anything like that, all the Mark: The Riverboat Gamblers. [laughs. Mike Wiebe of the girls in the windows. Gamblers is standing nearby.] Stevie Ray Vaughn. Mark: We almost got attacked by a prostitute. Mike: People who are militantly religious really bother me. I think Todd: What’s the strangest thing someone’s tried to pay you with? spirituality is cool, but if you’re going to try to cram your beliefs Like, “Oh, you did a good show, here’s a Twinkie.” down my throat, I don’t hang there. Mike: We told you about Tom giving us candy bars and emptying Jeff: I think Joe’s is celibacy. out the change drawer of the register. It was like forty bucks in Joe: True. I’m vegan and straight edge. change. He gave us a case of Mountain Dew. Todd: Has anybody tried to back out of paying you? Marked Men, 3504 Primrose Ave., Fort Worth, Mark: It’s been pretty cool. I mean, we don’t get paid shit as it is, so TX 76111; www.themarkedmen.com it’s not usually that big of an issue. We had some problems with the clubs in Denton a lot. They were real shitty, Rubber Gloves. It’s 61 Not long ago I saw Geisha Girls for the first time and was immediately taken with their solid and true punk sound. Within thirty sec- onds of hearing their music I thought three things: 1.) Why is this the first time I’m hear- ing this band? 2.) They sound a helluva lot like the Alley Cats; and 3.) They had better have some music for me to buy. And so they did/do—the self-released, it’s-available-on- three-different-colors-of-wax five song EP. Buy it now. Since that glorious evening of Geisha Girls introduction I’ve had the mighty plea- sure of becoming their MySpace.com friend. Yeah, yeah, I know—MySpace. But listen up, membership has its privileges and I’m hear- ing new Geisha Girls songs and you’re not. One night in between recording a song at Radio Beat Records for their upcoming 7” Interview by Kat Jetson and playing a show at midnight in LA, these Live pictures by Kat Jetson three OC boys were sweet and awake enough Head Shots by Geisha Girls to join me at my abode in the Valley to sit down and talk about Captain Eo, eBay, Zoloft, and of course, Hanson.

Kat: I hear KOCE-TV is interested Kat: So do you think he called up in using a portion of your song, Bob and told him he didn’t have any “Retaining Water” as the money to give him? intro/theme song for some business Shawn: It’s been a mess, but we’ll affairs show. What’s up with that? get it figured out. Shawn: I dunno. This guy called me Kat [to Damian]: Do you really up and he was like, “We don’t have work at Disneyland? any money to pay you…” Damian: Yes, I really do. Kat: Of course not. Kat: You’ve got to have some awe- Shawn: “…but would you be inter- some stories relating to that. Well ested in doing it?” I told him we’d first, what do you do? do it and he said he was going to Damian: Basically what I do is I send me a release form. That was a stand there and I say, “Excuse me, month and a half ago and we just ma’am (or sir), would like chicken got it in the mail today. But then or ribs? And if you’d like chicken, Damian’s friend called him up and would you like a breast, leg or told him she heard us on one of the thigh?” And then some guy will say, commercials for it. We didn’t even “Well, you know, I’m a breast man. release a song to them! You should give me a breast. A-ha- Damian: Our friend said the song ha-ha!” she heard was “Terminal.” John: Stupid! Shawn: The guy told me it was Damian: Like I’ve never heard that going to air on July 16, but I don’t one before. Take your damn chicken think it did. and leave! Kat: And you didn’t sign anything? Kat: Was it difficult to get a job Damian: We were reading it today. there? Now he may or may not give us Damian: Actually, I got turned credit. down twice. I had to apply three Shawn: When I talked to him that’s times. I applied to Disneyland the one thing I said—that we were because you can have a mustache going to need some credit at the end and… I don’t wanna shave off my like our website and band name and mustache because my nostrils are whatever. just big… Kat: You can get that guy in trou- Shawn [laughing]: Shut up, man. ble. That’s your music. Come on. Damian: In the release form it also Damian: No, I’m serious. When I says he can use it whenever he was in college I shaved off my mus- wants. tache and everyone was like, Kat: I’ll bet he’s being less than “Damn, I can drive my Cadillac up honest about the not having any your nostrils.” So anyhow, it was money to pay you anything. my third attempt to get the job there Shawn: He told me he was going to and they asked me, “So Damian, use a Bob Dylan song but wanted to why did you come to Disneyland?” use our song instead. I told them 1.) so I can have a mus- tache, and 2.) so I can see $5000 worth of records under Captain Eo every day. And their arms. they all started laughing at me, Damian: They’re not stupid. but I was like, “I’m not trying Kat [to Shawn]: Are you still to be funny.” So they said, playing bass in the Checkers? “Well, the funny thing is, Shawn: Yeah. I play in the Captain Eo has been cancelled Von Steins, too. for eight years now.” Kat: So you’re not sleeping [Everyone is in complete hys- much, are you? terics at this time.] Shawn: Not really, no. Kat: And they still gave you a Kat: Do you have a job? job? Awesome! Damian’s Disney, John’s Damian: Well, I think the rea- eBay… son I got the job is because the Shawn: Yeah, I work on used guy who interviewed me was cars and fix rims. gay and thought I was cute. Kat: That’s awesome! So I’ll John: Damian’s cute. bet you’re good at spotting Delicious. rims. I only know the spin-y Kat: And you get to go any- kind. time you want, right? Shawn [laughing]: Yeah, the Damian: Definitely, but why spinners. would you want to do that? Kat: How do you feel about Kat [to John]: So you are the the word “retro”? It’s used a king eBayer. lot these days. I see that word John: Yeah. in almost every review. Kat: Do you have a job or… John: We got called “jumping John: No, that’s kinda what I someone else’s train!” do. Kat: It’s brilliant what peo- ple will spend their money on, isn’t it? John: Yeah, it’s nice. The hy funny thing to me is the peo- WW ple who hound you thinking you’re going to rip them off. don’t Kat: Do you buy anything, or are you just the seller guy? you just go John: I’m pretty much just the seller. smoke some Kat: Is there something you put up that you thought was weed, nothing but got a lot of money for? masturbate, John: Someone—this was a long time ago and stuff like and relax? this doesn’t happen really anymore—paid $125 for a $2 tape. Damian: What tape was it? Was it Menudo’s first album? Kat: That’s tough because John: It might have been a obviously you feel like you’re Bad Brains show. creating something unique. Damian: A hundred dollars It’s nice to be associated with for a cassette! What condition something else good, but… was the cassette tape? Damian: Personally, I haven’t John: I just remember we heard anything like that. I were laughing about it. So I don’t give a damn! Bad press sent them a bunch of other is good press. They can call it stuff, too. soul, country… I don’t care. Kat: You know there’s some As long as you buy the album. lawyer with lots of money to John: I think the best groups spend, sitting in his office just that are around today—you trying to win back parts of his can hear the influences, you past. know what I mean? I don’t Damian: You’d be amazed think anyone’s come out with what you can find in the anything fresh and great in the dumpster. past twenty years. All: What? Kat: There’s a tour happening Damian: My friend found his right now with the Cure called whole punk collection in the the Curiosa Festival which is dumpster. Why do you think basically a bunch of bands that gutter punks go dumpster div- sound like the Cure! With The ing! Rapture, Hot Hot Heat, Kat: They smell but they have Interpol… Damian: Interpol! Good Lord! I’d rather coffin. That guy is weird! go see Hanson than the Interpol. Shawn: I’d wanna talk to Darby Crash. I’d Kat: You just got the quote of the inter- love to… view. John: I knew it! Damian: I’m actually looking forward to Shawn: I’m obsessed. seeing Hanson when they come down. Kat: What was the last CD you bought, the Shawn: Do they still play? last book you read, and the last movie you Damian: Mmmhmm. They got a new saw? album out. I just haven’t bought it yet. I Shawn: Last CD was a greatest hits Dead was watching VH-1… Can Dance. Last book was Lexicon Devil. Shawn: How old are they now? And the last movie I saw was [laughing] Damian: One is twenty-one and he just got Dodgeball. married and has a kid, then the oldest—the Kat: I saw that movie just for the tagline, guitar player—is twenty-four and the “Grab Life by the Ball.” drummer is eighteen or nineteen. Yeah, I Shawn: I don’t remember much of it. watch Behind the Music. Damian: I bought PJ Harvey’s Rid of Me Kat: Thing is, I don’t even know if you’re and De La Soul at the same time. I don’t being honest right now. read books; I read the OC Weekly. Last Damian: I’m being serious. movie I saw the other night was Black John: He has a t-shirt and wears it. Knight. Kat: Do you all hang out together? Shawn: Have you ever seen Black Knight? Damian: We go get some 40s together. You gotta see it. Some Charles Shaw, you know. Damian: It’s not as good as Pootie Tang Shawn: We’re pretty tight. but it’s up there. Damian: I call them every day even John: The last CD I bought was Bad though they don’t answer the phone half Brains and I guess the last book I read was the damn time. Either that or I gotta text Rumblefish. message these bitches. Problem John: I’ve got that social anxiety. Zoloft, Child was nterpol! baby. probably the II Kat: That commercial… last movie I Damian: Yeah, with the bouncing ball. saw. Good Lord! One of the side effects is constipation and Kat: What’s dry heaves. that? I'd rather Shawn: Really? Damian: You Damian: No, I don’t know. But have you haven’t seen go see ever seen those things? It’s supposed to Problem help you with one thing, but then you’ve Child? Hanson got five other things you gotta deal with. John: It’s It’s like what the hell is the point of taking with John than the that pill when you got five other problems Ritter. you gotta buy pills for? Why don’t you just Damian: I Interpol. go smoke some weed, masturbate, and like John relax? Ritter, fool. Kat: If you could interview anyone, who He’s dead, but… would it be and what would you ask? Kat: Do you have any good celebrity sight- Damian: I’d interview Prince and Robert ings? Smith. John: I saw Britney Spears recently at El Kat: What would you ask? Or what would Coyote on Beverly. I didn’t recognize you do with them if you could hang out her… with them? Kat: Tell me! Damian: Are we talking like, tomorrow? If John: Her and her boyfriend and their Prince was here tomorrow? I would go ask bodyguard walked in. I just thought that the him if I could frolic around his big ass guy was really big and that maybe he’s house. famous. I wasn’t even looking at the girl. Kat: In his Paisley Park. Anyhow, they were there for awhile. I was Damian: I would ask him so many ques- too scared to ask for an autograph. tions, but mostly, at the age of sixteen, sev- Damian: I see celebrities all the time at my enteen coming up with that first album and work. playing everything. It’s amazing! I wanna Kat: Buyin’ chicken… know where it comes from. I also want to Damian: I also do Fantasmic and people know why he decided to stand over his will pay $50 just to sit in a chair and get grave for the Come album, which is the these fancy desserts and drinks. It’s a waste worst Prince album I have ever heard. Oh, of money. Anyhow, I’ve seen Jon Lovitz, and why he’s a Jehovah’s Witness now. the Wayans Brothers buying some corn Kat [to John]: Can you think of anyone? dogs, Tyra Banks in some sweats showing John [laughing]: I’d like to talk to Rikk off her booty… Agnew more. He seems kinda weird. Kat: Did they say Mickey Mouse on the Kat: Who is that? ass? John: He’s in Christian Death. (Also the John: Delicious. Adolescents.) Damian: I played drums in his ware- house/drum studio once and he slept in the tain nights. The business I work in, it’s really hard to get a night off, even if you give a lot of notice. Todd: How did you become a sauté chef? Terry: Worked my way up. I work at one of the nicest restaurants in Seattle. I make pretty good money doing what I do. But it’s not really what I want to do. It’s hard to transition because you make enough money to live happily but then you want to do something else and you know you’re not going to make as much money with the band. I pretty much had to tell my job that I was going to quit to go on tour. “I know you’re going to need me when I come back.” So they just made it my vacation instead of making me quit. “Alright,” they said. “If you’re going to be like that, then you can go.” I was kind of like, “Screw you Interview and guys. I’ve done so much for you.” pictures by Billy: Getting time off for the tour, I basi- Todd Taylor cally took all of the vacation time that I’ve saved up over the last three years working there. I’ve actually been waiting to do the Great punk protest songs are an endangered species. tour to try to find a different job. It’s shit On one hand, there are extremely articulate bands that, really, should instead write pay. I really like the people I work with. It’s books because their music’s boring and mediocre. No matter how good the message is, pretty easy work, but it’s not what I want to if listening to a band is as fun as swatting flies off of potato salad at a picnic, why both- do at all. The hardest thing for me, being in er? On the other end of the spectrum are musically crankin’ bands that dumb down their the band is that I, unfortunately, have a nat- message into chorus-short slogans. It’s overly simple stuff that any punk with an ounce urally overwhelming personality. I’m trying of arts and crafts in them can distill then shove pyramids into leather to make letters to make sure that I don’t steamroller over everybody else, which I’ve had problems that spell out their disdain. “Fuck the Pigs!” “Unity Now!” “Stop War!” You know the with in the past. I’m working on that now. deal. It’s fine as a first step, but as a long-time music fan, I’m always looking to be chal- Todd: Was that a problem in a previous lenged politically. Amongst the throngs, where brains, hard-earned ideals, and busted band you were in, the Horn Rims? knuckles aren’t mutually exclusive, is a small tribe of contemporary bands. Mea Culpa’s Billy: Yeah, probably part of the problem a perfect example of one of them. They’ve got the full arsenal with lyrics that drip blood was that with the Horn Rims was that I off of the whip held by the oppressors in American society. Mea Culpa comes across as wrote everything. I wrote the horn lines and much smarter than purely book learning and their music is simultaneously explosive as the bass lines and gave it to people. an unmarked minefield and as beautiful as any meaningful act of civil disobedience. Sometimes, my natural inclination is to be Picture a mix between the Clash, early Rancid, the GC5, and the Swingin’ Utters. What’s “Oh, I have this thing in my head! You should play this!” Then I realized, “Okay, better is that their musical machine’s fueled by four down-to-earth, funny, insightful wait. It’s a band. Everybody’s going to guys who haven’t forgotten the meaning of either hard work or hard play. I can’t suggest come up with their own thing and it’s going their debut LP, They Put You in a Mask, highly enough. to sound as good or better than that. And it’s going to sound a lot more cool because it’s limited when it’s just one person. Todd: What do you do for a living and was tobacco road, poorest of the poor, trap- Todd: Look to the person to your left, what’s the biggest obstacle you have to ping raccoons to buy supper. My grandpar- who’s in the band, and describe them for overcome to be part of this band? ents on my dad’s side, they were the care- somebody who has never met them. Matty: I sell drums for a living. I have to takers of Valley Forge cemetery. My par- Terry: This is Jean-Luc Picard. not buy drums so I can have a paycheck to ents went to college so they could send their David: Indeed! pay for the band. kids to college and I feel a remarkable sense Terry: I’m glad to navigate under this cap- David: I’m a production manager. I tell of responsibility because of that. I work at tain. He’s mastered the art of diplomacy. everybody what to do. It’s a graphics com- Tower Records in Seattle. I’m a pricer and a This is David Byers. Silent genius. He only pany. Make signs, point of sale. consignments buyer. I do some freelance speaks when there’s something really Todd: You’re talking French to me. What writing on the side. important… or he’s on medication. does that mean? Todd: Is it difficult being in this band, trav- David: To my left is this cute little hunk of David: Like a video game, when you go eling? Do you have to push a lot of stuff teddy bear, Terry, who also has problems buy it, you see the pretty sign there. All of aside? with opening his mouth unless it’s very band’s stickers and stuff are materials from Matty: My job, I can take five years off, as important. But it’s usually, generally pretty projects that weren’t accepted or acceptable long as I have the days covered. seriously profound… or very stupid. He and I just save them and use the other side David: My biggest obstacle is getting out of spoons well, as we’ve learned in the van. and keep stuff out of the dumpster. work to be in the band. It’s always difficult, One hell of a bass player, that’s for sure. Terry: I’m sauté chef and a professional even to get to practice sometimes. Terry: This is Billy Fiction and he’s an gambler. [laughter] Terry: It’s about hardest for me because I enigma. No one really knows Billy Fiction Billy: I feel incredibly lucky that I had par- have to work at night. I was going to school very well. I know Bill Bullock pretty well. ents who raised me in a certain way that for the last five years. I had to go to school He’s a great songwriter and a sweetheart. was a good balance of freedom and respon- all day and then work full-time at night. I’m Billy: This is Matt. He’s one of the most sibility. I was an upper middle class kid. My still working at nights, so it’s kind of a hard fuckin’ spot-on drummers I’ve ever worked mom was lower working class and my dad transition because we can only play on cer- with and I’ve worked with quite a few. He’s incredibly fuckin’ business-like and to the cut out. Transmission ended. Collapsed. “free market Stalinism.” It should be just as point. He’s great to have in the band in Everybody was freaking out. I’m was just terrifying to people who consider them- terms of decision making. Basically, I’ll really fuckin’ sick. selves conservative as it is to people who start talking out my ass. David and Terry, Todd: Going into more of the topicality of consider themselves liberal or left. ‘cause they’re a little more quiet, are like, the band, what’s the most disturbing form David: With corporatization, I would say “What the fuck are you talking about?” of corporatization that you’ve come across the war in Iraq. They want to turn it into an Matt will be like, “Alright, we’ve got to lately? open market society where all of us foreign make a decision. What are we going to do Billy: One thing that really gets on nut sack countries can come in and make money here?” He gets everybody to some sort of is, even as screwed up as the public school from their entire country by trying to force working point. He’s incredibly committed. system is—and I understand what people the corporate democratic structure. The It’s a great combination of friend, artistic are trying to do with charter schools in other thing that I’m even more afraid of is co-worker, and somebody you can depend Washington—it’s the little genie that it lets the WTO and the fact that an organization on. out of the bottle. I worry about the concept has the ability to make laws of nations void. Todd: What’s the most hurt you’ve been of corporations buying up those schools. They have more power than nations when it hurt while in this band? For poor kids, high school becomes a tech- comes to what’s good for business. What’s Matty: Physically, when I broke my foot in nical school, where they’re just program- good for business isn’t good for society. It

half last September. The bass player in my ming you to do menial labor. For rich kids, isn’t good for the world. It’s good for a other band, she’s a bartender. One drink at they can still go to the nice charter schools handful of people and the rest of us get the Five Point in Seattle equals about maybe where they get to do the Montessori shit. screwed. eight anywhere else. So, I drank about four That really disturbs me. Then you get into Billy: It becomes a giant, international ver- of those before last call. Ended up in West the situation of when a corporation is edu- sion of those bum fights videos. [laughter] Seattle. My friend and I crawled down this cating our children—and as slanted as histo- Seriously. It’s funny but I’m not meaning to cliff to a beach. I was so loaded and I hadn’t ry books already are—they’re going to be be crass. For instance, you’ve got Alabama seen the ocean in so long because I’m lazy. even more slanted when there’s a vested and another state that’s really poor. And I’m running and tripped over a log or interest in defining what the history of this they say, “Okay, I’ve got twenty bucks stepped in a hole and that was that. It’s still country is and what’s important. here. Which one of you is going embarrass fucked up to this day. My politics have evolved over the yourself the most, lay down, and stick your Terry: Being a sauté chef, I get a lot of course of the band a lot. I don’t consider ass up into the air for us? Which one of you burns. Sometimes, I’ll be rubbing against myself a socialist or a Marxist. I don’t con- is going to degrade your environmental the guitar and the skin will plop off. sider myself an anything “ist.” A real, func- laws and your labor laws the most so that Todd: Have you ever lost your eyebrows? tioning democracy is something that’s really we can make a few bucks more an hour?” It Terry: No, but my arms are surprisingly important to me. Capitalism actually has its gets everybody fired up at each other. The hairless. Matt hurt my feelings once when merits. For some people, it is the best bums end up fighting one another instead of we were playing but I don’t know if emo- attempt that they can make at having some being, “No. Fuck you. We’re going to kick tional damage counts. kind of a system in which individuals aren’t your ass and we’re going to take your Todd: Billy, didn’t you pass out when you stifled and they can pursue things freely. money.” had a cold? But keep it out of my government. Keep Todd: Musically, what have you outright Billy: I had this awful cold. We played this that out of the ability to have some kind of stolen and put into Mea Culpa? show at the Vera Project and we were doing popular decision-making process. I’m wor- Matty: Not me. You can’t trademark drum- “Beauty and Wrath,” that total fuckin’ ried that America is becoming one big ver- beats. [laughter] screamer, the second-to-last song on They sion of the company town in the David: You wrote a song, though. Put You in a Mask. A combination of all of Depression, like in the Grapes of Wrath. Matty: I actually did write a song. I was the pressure in my head, screaming like The company owns your school. The com- staring at a Motörhead poster and Lemmy that, and being as sick as a dog—end of the pany owns your housing block. In was like, “You’re okay, kid.” song, everything from the neck down just “Corporate Nation,” that’s why I call it How about note for note, 67 “Love Me Like a Reptile.” I pretty much did David: Look at the monorail. It’s been between act-machismo and real machismo that. voted for three times and they’re still trying comes in. In “Last Caress,” I say “I fucked David: Pretty much all of the Who. The to put it down. your daddy today,” because it’s funnier that verse parts. Terry: I think we have a really good music way, but I would never sing, “I raped you Terry: I guess I stole some bass lines from scene. I’m not familiar with other music mom.” Somewhere in there is the Rosetta Bill because he wrote those songs before I scenes, but I know that a lot of people can Stone of comedy. Why is it funny that he was in the band. People will come up to me just come together and start a band. There said, “I killed your baby today”? Hilarious. and say, “That was an awesome bass line,” are places where they can play shows. Even But when he said, “I raped your mother and I’d say, “Thanks!” though the band may suck, there will be today,” I’m kind of like, that’s not really Billy: Everything I’ve ever written has been clubs that will let them play and give them funny, right? Right? That’s my one thing, as ripped off. Honestly, in my own mind, when free beer. That’s all kids need to start a far as humor goes. Rape equals not funny. it comes down to it, I really not that great of band. Just some place to start out and work Killing the baby, though. Joke your ass off a songwriter. I’m just a very talented mimic. from there. I think a lot of other cities don’t about that. I’m like a fucking mynah bird. Every single have that kind of encouragement, where you The Misfits had this streak of machis- song I’ve ever written, I can pinpoint exactly basically have to be great to get anything mo—I’m taking that and taking all of the who I’m ripping off. out. In Seattle, you can really suck and get a good stuff out of it and subverting the other Todd: “My Own Private Weimar.” Who’d lot of shows. stuff a little bit by having people in drag. It you rip off there? Matty: I finally remembered what I liked was just fun. When I first wanted to do it, I Billy: That’s Entertainment! Gang of Four about Seattle. Portland’s only three hours had done a straight-forward Misfits tribute. right up the wazoo. It sounds a lot like away. [laughter] We got the name from Terry. It was Double “Damaged Goods.” It has that same kind of Terry: We’ve got smoked salmon. Hand, Devil Head. I wanted to do it again quality about it. “Waiting for America,” the Matty: Actually, go see the EMP, the and I’d just seen Hedwig and the Angry Inch solo part, I have nightmares that Mick Jones Experience Music Project, just once. Go and and I thought it would be fun to do some- is going to hunt me as food, just as revenge check out the inside. thing that was a gender twist. Originally, I for that song. When we first started, a lot of Billy: When you eat a bunch of Skittles, was going to be boy Glenn and I wanted to it was the Clash. I think I’m good at ripping then you puke ‘em out, that’s what the get a female singer to be girl Glenn. I origi- people off because I don’t ever just do a Experience Music Project looks like. nally wanted to get Andrea Zollo. She’s all

whole song. I just make it sound like some- Matty: Singles Going Steady. Best record tiny and fuckin’ tough and she can sing her body else. I still feel like I’m trying to figure store in Seattle. ass off. She’s really cool. The times I’ve met out what my music is. That’s the gnawing David: Almost every business space of any her, she’s been incredibly fuckin’ nice. I thing at the back of my head. It’s always; sort is a gallery, which is kind of cool. Lots emailed her and she said she was really into “You’re no good. You just rip everybody and lots of art. it, but the night we were going to do it was off. You can’t really write songs.” Todd: Billy, did you ask Andrea of Pretty the night of the Murder City Devils last Matty: My favorite is your description of Girls Make Graves to be the first singer for show. She’s really good friends with those “Three Drinks.” The reaction on people’s Glenn or Glennda? guys. Then, also, her house burned to the faces when you’re like, “It sounds like any- Billy: Yeah. ground and she had to go on tour, and that’s thing Andrew W.K. mixed with Todd: Explain Glenn or Glennda and when they started to get big, so she didn’t Springsteen’s ‘Born to Run,’ man.” explain about your external ovaries and how have time to do it. Billy: Seriously. you’re worried about them. Then I was like, fuck it, I can split it Terry: Just to fuck with people, we should Billy: I do this Misfits tribute every down the middle and make a costume like say, “You’ve got to check out this new song. Halloween and the last two years it’s been that. Hedwig—that’s probably one of the Sounds like a cross between Howlin’ Wolf with Benny from the Hollowpoints and few movies that has actually changed my and Sade.” Justin from The Authorities, who used to be life in that a lot of the things I had been Todd: Name something local in Seattle, the drummer for the Stuck-Ups, and Nora, dealing with for a long time before that which doesn’t exist anywhere else in the who’s the keyboard player for the Stuck- came to the forefront. I was at a really United States, that you endorse and enjoy. Ups. It’s called Glenn or Glennda because weird, fucked-up point in my life anyway, David: When I have a day off, I to Golden it’s a gender bender thing. I’m split down dealing with the issues that come with mas- Gardens Park and burn stuff on the beach. the middle. I’m half Glenn Danzig and half culinity and sexuality. It was sort of like Oh, The Vera Project. It’s an all-ages venue. Glennda Danzig. I fucking love the Misfits. therapy to do that. It’s kind of like a youth outreach—arts in The first time I heard them, I was probably Todd: So, the nurse outfit you wear is just general. The city actually supported it, about sixteen. “This is fucking brilliant.” for fun? which is ironic because they kind of have Some of the biggest hooks you have ever Billy: The nurse outfit is just for fun and problems with kids in Seattle for some rea- heard in your life. Walk Among Us is proba- because I look fuckin’ hot. son. They don’t like them. Also, the Ballard bly one of the top ten pop albums ever writ- David: According to you. I’m a man and I Bowl (a skate bowl), we helped get that ten, in terms of simple hooks that are really did not think you looked hot. built, too. We played a benefit for that and sharp and you can’t get them out of your Billy: A few guys came up to me and said, now they want to remove it ‘cause, “It’s too head. They’re not cheap poppy. The combi- “Bill, I just saw you from behind in that noisy and we’d rather have the kids out nation of that with the horror movie thing and I was like, “Damn!” then, “Wait a screaming and doing drugs.” imagery, I love it. But the Misfits have this minute. That’s Bill!” Todd: They’re more dispersed that way. really fucking nasty misogynist, weird Terry: Bill likes to dress like a woman. If David: Exactly. You don’t see them. undertone. there’s an excuse… Billy: “We’ll build another one. We Todd: Wah? Billy: At the drop of a hat… Here’s the promise.” Billy: It’s hard to say where the line external ovaries thing. You want to hear it? Todd: Sure. ers. What happened was my wife and I were Megan: Wait, you were naked on the Billy: Every single mammalian organism on going to Mexico. It was something we cutout? the face of the planet starts out in the womb. planned ten years ago and the band got David: No. They start as a female. Through the intro- offered a killer show with the Briefs and the Terry: His wife might be sitting at home duction of hormones, they become male, New Town Animals and I couldn’t be there. with it. their ovaries drop, their clit gets really big, Immediately, they’re like, “Well, then we Todd: If you come back and she has paper their vulva turn into their nut sack, and they can’t do it.” I said, “Fuck you guys. You’ve cuts all over her, be suspicious… Since you don’t have mammary glands that do any- got to play.” “All right. Fine. We’ll play guys seem a little older and you’ve experi- thing. It seems so weird that people don’t without you.” Then started the inter-band enced music for a long time, who was the know that. That line between man and argument of, “No. If we play without Dave, person who’s image deflated the most for woman falls right away and it doesn’t really we play as a three piece.” Then, “No, if you when you realized they weren’t really a mean anything anymore. It’s been liberat- Dave’s not here, we don’t have all of those rebel, that they were just a cog in a ing. I guess, maybe, if somebody pressed little weird things he does so we need some- machine? me on it, I might consider myself queer. body else who does all of those little weird Matty: I guess my day was the devastating I’ve made out with boys before. I enjoy it. things.” The little weird things won out, so I day I found out that Raffi (“The Children’s It’s got to be the right guy under the right taught Scott, Matt’s roommate, my parts and Troubadour”) was just in it for the pay- circumstances. I’m not into the sex so I just didn’t want people to forget that I was check. [laughter] I don’t know how I did much, but if I like somebody, I’m a physi- in the band so I made a cheesy rock’n’roll that with a straight face. [to Billy] I know

cally expressive person. I like to be able to cutout of myself. you were pissed when Rancid signed. do a little kissy kissy. I don’t think that Todd: Do you still have it? Todd: And you named Indestructible as should be such a big deal. It’s too limiting David: No, the guy who booked the show album of the year for a major label for even to say that you’re bi. So, now that I’m took it. I could have it if I wanted to, but 2003. Explain that, then. outed… [laughter] Gimme some of the why would I want myself? I’m already Billy: You’ve been looking at my clips? rough man skin. Rub that stubble against stuck with me. I’ve been trying to get away Todd: It’s on the internet. (Billy writes for me. Unnngh. my whole life… Some of the pictures of The Stranger, a weekly in Seattle.) Todd: Damn, that’s good stuff. That’s hard that show were a little disturbing. People Billy: Well, I wouldn’t exactly say as an to follow up… Who in the band has played seemed to like my genitals. I specifically answer to the question of somebody who’s a with a cutout? asked that nobody touched my privates. No cog in the machine, necessarily. When I was All: We all did. respect. a kid, I grew up in Blackfoot, Idaho. Tiny Todd: Who was the cutout of? Terry: He came up to me and was like, little town. Four thousand people. The first Terry: Dave. “Terry, I’m trusting you. Don’t let Bill fuck time I heard the Clash, I freaked out. Now, I Todd: How does one go about getting a my cutout.” I said, “I’ll do what I can but I wouldn’t have been able to hear the Clash if life-size cutout of one’s self? can’t make any promises.” they weren’t on Epic because of the time- David: One works at a place where you Billy: I think your cutout was getting more frame that they came out in. have digital cameras and large format print- action than I ever was. I’ve always felt like I was 69 born too late because there have been very distribution, we don’t get money. song]. We have “One hand soaked in blood, few bands that have emerged in my lifetime Todd: Can you think of any exceptions to while the other offers hope.” Beyond the that I’ve really gotten excited about and that? founding the country, there are four hundred completist about in the way of “I want to David: I couldn’t say because I’m ignorant. years of horror and blood, massacring the own everything this band has ever done Matty: Everyone who I know or enjoy shit out everybody we could get our hands because I fucking love it.” I never got into going to see is in some way tied down to on, and cutting people to ribbons. But still, NOFX. I never got into any of the other some contract and have been assimilated, so many people would like to get the fuck stuff anywhere near my teenage years, but basically. out of where ever they’re at and come here. for some reason, there was something that Todd: This is a two-part question. How There’s got to be something to that. I know was so honest about Rancid. It was such a does America break your heart and how it’s got to be bigger than “the capitalist sys- great combination of being so melodic but does it redeem your heart? tem has made this country the greatest really rough and tied to something old, but David: “This country breaks my heart each nation on the earth. Because of the freedom still seeming like it was something that was day/ But somehow I still believe/ For all the of enterprise, you have the ability to own for me, from my generation. The lyrics, contradictions of our past/ There’s some- your own shop and sell dry goods.” But it especially when I was sixteen or seventeen, thing more we could be.” To quote Bill. I gets so difficult to see sometimes. Anybody seemed so sharp and poetic. They were a believe it, though. I feel that way. I don’t who knows anything has a part of them that really huge inspiration to me. They still sing on the mic on that part, but every time is the raving lunatic conspiracy theorist. fucking have that. I got that album. I we get to that part of the song, I sing it as You get this feeling that the vast majority of thought that it was 90% brilliant. loud and honestly as I can. I tear up some- people who have ever run this country will Distribution deals are weird and tricky times singing it. America can be whatever never be touched by the horrors that the rest and sometimes a game that you have to play you want to see in it, ‘cause you can find of us have to live with daily. for people to hear your music. But it just whatever you’re looking for. If it was done David: We’re ruled by elitists. seems so odd. Rancid already have their right, it could be the greatest thing in the Billy: Beyond that. Somebody like Bush— own houses and more money than the Pope world. It’s not and if you think it is, you’re his family can sew the seeds of monsters all from all of the records they’ve sold. The obviously living with your head in the sand. over the world and when those monsters

biggest thing for me was I didn’t understand Matty: This country is just over two hun- hatch, they don’t have to worry for one sec- why. I was reading interviews with them dred years old. Everyone’s just so coddled. ond if that horror is going to touch them or like crazy around the time that album came Apathy. Seriously, people take so much shit their preppy-assed kids. That pisses me off, out, just to see if there was some answer as for granted. They’ve got everything they just to be able to run rampant across the to why they went there and there was never want and they want more. In some ways, world to make a few bucks for your friends. an answer to that. it’s kind of redeeming because you do have Maybe that’s even scarier than the conspira- David: Rancid was a cog from the day their some freedom to a certain extent. cy theories. Maybe it’s just a few guys with first full-length came out. They’ve never Terry: It’s the potential. You see the poten- a whole lot of power and money and there is been anything but a cog, as far as the indus- tial. It’s so amazing. Then you see it’s not no big conspiracy. try’s concerned. I was just old enough to fulfilled. It’s so disappointing, just like any- David: You mentioned Bush. This is an know that people who do things get stuck in thing else in life when you see an enormous individual who didn’t have the appropriate a position so they can do the things that they amount of potential. It’s within your grasp grades to get into Yale, but he went to Yale. do. And they are part of something that they but at the same time it’s so far away. His professor said he wasn’t intelligent don’t necessarily support. They don’t have a Sometimes you just think that you’re never enough to pass, yet somehow he passed. He choice if they want to do what they want to gonna even get there. It’s a shame and it couldn’t run a business and make a profit, do. Not to say anything against the band, I just pisses you off, pretty much. yet he never took a loss. He danced around like the band. I like the music. If we actual- David: You’re bringing me into the Seattle insider trading. ly—and not that this will probably ever hap- thing again. You’ve gotta come drive in Billy: He’s still dancing around the Saudis. pen—got approached by anybody to get Seattle, rush-hour traffic. It’s the best thing Terry: There was this country. Afghanis- signed, we would immediately be a cog, in the world. It is so entertaining, unless you something. even though we’re trying to say we’re have to be somewhere. The clouds will David: Apparently, that went away. Born in against that kind of thing. They would go come. It’ll rain. Something will happen and privilege. Americans allow themselves to be around behind us and do that because, like it’s just amazing. led. They allow this elitist class, which is you said, the trickiness of distribution. Billy: I think I’m cribbing Kurt Vonnegut in the political class. It doesn’t matter which They’ll tell you what you want to hear and Breakfast of Champions where he was talk- side you’re on. They don’t know what peo- do what they do. I’m a lot older than every- ing about the defining aspect of America is ple go through to make the money for the body else is and I know that. I knew that that our greatest theoretician on liberty, corporations and their friends. Yet, almost even before Rancid was a band. Thomas Jefferson, owned human beings as everybody I know who’s all pissed off To continue, I realized back in the sev- slaves. It’s this incredible idea poisoned about their job or taxes or the systems avail- enties that everybody I liked, musically, is right at the root. But the idea is still some- able to them from the government—even just, basically, serving The Man. Not inten- thing to fight for, hope for, and strive for. the way the government uses our money— tionally, but so they can play music. A lot of There are so many people who are like, don’t even vote. They won’t vote. They times, they even alter their music so they “We’re fucked. Nothing you can do about don’t care to vote. There’s no reason to can play music. It’s not a disparagement it. Whole damn country’s fucked.” even have the government we have any- against anybody, but that’s the way the sys- David: It’s what you make it. If it’s fucked, more because we could all vote every tem works. If you’re in the position where you’re fucked. month. Go home, on the phone, on the com- you get distribution—you get money, you Billy: It’s like the song says [slightly puter, write a letter, fill out a ballot and mail get used. Even in our case, where we’ve got embarrassed that he’s quoting his own it. Vote for these things that these people are getting paid billions and billions and bil- we’re owed. We shouldn’t have to earn it.” ly going to win anybody over because we lions of our dollars to fly all over the world I wasn’t raised that way. I don’t live that already know how fucked up it is, but Mr. and suck each other’s penises for, if you way. I’m sure that my job’s a lot easier than and Mrs. Middle America, they’re the ones want to get crass. And we all set it up and what my relatives had to do, but I have to who really need to know how fucked up this we keep it going and then we bitch about it. work damn hard to make a living. It almost thing is.” You just can’t say, “Fuck you, Does anybody really, actually care? I do. I takes away my ability to do what I work to pig.” Then so many protesters went to “Us get sick of going in a circle, fighting against do. I work to play music. I work to make versus the pigs,” instead of us versus what- everybody because even the people who are art. That’s why I work. I go to work every ever it was we were trying to fight in the pissed or who have a similar mentality still day so I can go get loud and make noise and first place. want to fight me because I don’t want to do jump around like an idiot. David: The aftermath of the WTO is that what they want to do or I don’t say it the Billy: I worked in potato processing plants the police and the city got way more way they want to say it. It’s ridiculous. from when I was fifteen to twenty in Idaho. intense. It got way more fascist. It gave There’s no reason that people shouldn’t get I was working twelve-hour night shifts from them a lot more leeway to be more oppres- paid a living wage to do any job, no matter 7PM to 7AM in either ninety-five degree sive in things that would have not even nor- what it is. And the fact that Bush wants to heat or minus ten degree cold. So every mally been on the news. People are getting open up the borders. “We can use illegal time I’m at Tower and am like, “Oh, god, pepper sprayed and beat up by the cops. immigrants so that we can get our yards my feet hurt,” or “These CDs are so dirty,” Billy: I’m not writing a clean bill of health taken care of cheaper. We can keep more of or, “Oh, god, why do I have to deal with for the cops. I’m just saying don’t give them our money and can have two Hummers irritating customers?” I’m like, wait a an excuse right off the bat. Have a little bit

instead of one.” minute. You were working in a fucking of strategic sense. Billy: Everybody’s bitching about immigra- potato factory. You had dehydrated potatoes tion. “All of these people want to come over blown into your eyes on a nightly basis. It www.meaculpamusic.homestead.com here and they want to take my job.” You crusted over like this eyeliner paste shit. know, maybe if we did something about It’s impossible and horribly difficult to making sure there were decent wage stan- run almost anything by committee. I can’t dard. There’s also the whole one, big union even imagine running a whole country by idea. Unions are just as fucked as every- committee. Part of the reason I wanted to do body else. The ideal that if everybody’s this band in the first place was because I’ve unionized, we can all say, “No, we’re not been involved in activism for two and a half going to lower our wages for you. In fact, years at the University of Washington and we’re all going to ask for just about the dealing with activists. All of the didactic, same wage and there’s nowhere for you to simplistic fucking rhetorical, sloganeering, run anymore.” They can’t run off to any “You cannot question”-ing got to be a bit other country. They can’t run off to some much. And I love ‘em. They’re trying to do other state. It’s fucking impossible. But it’s something. That’s better than a lot of peo- like nobody even cares about the ideal. The ple. ideal’s important. When we did the WTO protest, all of David: Even now, our society is “We don’t these people were like, “Fuck the WTO. want to work now. We want to get what Yeah!” It’s like, “You know, that’s not real- 71 INTERVIEW BY APHID PEEWIT PHOTOS BY TODD TAYLOR he Nuge, as everyone knows, has transmogrified himself into a Neanderthal radio talkshow host/glib “reality TV” personality that no one really takes seriously anymore – but if he ever had the sonic yarbles to back up his TTever-flapping pie hole, he might’ve wound up sounding like Minneapolis’s Midnight Evils. Their latest record Straight ‘Til Morning” – which was produced by the legendary Tim Kerr – is a blast of turbo-charged, no bullshit rock that would blow the balls off a charging Motor City Madman at sixty paces. It is unapologetic, punked up rawk’n’roll without the slightest trace of affectation and it breaths with the spirit of a Big Daddy Roth cartoon come to life; com- plete with smoking tires, flaming tailpipes and an amphibious fiend at the wheel with a demonic grin and a long warty tongue flapping in the wind. Though they boast no studded leather jackets or carefully teased mohawks, they pack a wallop that would reduce most tough-guy street punk bands to quivering piles of lutefisk. And that’s just on record. Live, even their bushy sideburns seem ready to burst into flames from a scary, primal energy. Without question, the Midnight Evils have tapped into something wild and unwieldy, a sinister something that threatens to swallow the band and the audience members whole and then crack a shit-eating grin. And that’s a beautiful thing. Let there be rawk.

Aphid: Let’s start with some ancient histo- Danzig. It’s weird cuz the whole band got Curan: Bass, Vocals ry. Whatever became of the mysterious started by three guys – Steve the guitar Jesse: Drums member named “Joel Evil”? player started with two guys who aren’t in Steve: Guitar, Vocals Curan: What about Joel? He’s a former the band anymore. Joel Evil played guitar Brian: Guitar, Vocals member. He was one of the founding mem- and another guy named Nate played drums. bers. Nate and Joel lived together. Drunken Assistants: Jeremy: Is he like Glenn Danzig? Jeremy: Were they all St. Cloud dorks? Jeremy from the Fuck Yeahs Jesse: Yeah, very much like Glenn Danzig. Curan: Yep. We all lived in St. Cloud. So Konko from the Abusers [laughter] they started the band and other members 72 Curan: No, he’s the opposite of Glenn kept joining and other guys kept leaving and here we are, I guess. Konko: [to Jesse] Give me your best Chapstick on your fucking lips. Jesse: Joel had too good a thing going with designing Val Venis impersonation. Konko: Next question. Did you start pace makers. Jesse: [laughing] I ain’t got any Val this band for the love of money or Aphid: For real? Fuck, I’d be a little uneasy if I knew Venis impersonation. chicks? the pacemaker inside me was made by someone who Konko: [doing his own drunken Val Jesse: I joined it for the music. But I calls himself “Joel Evil.” [laughter] Venis impersonation] “Helloooo started playing in bands for the Curan: He designed them for Medtronic. Ladies!” [laughter] chicks. And I soon figured out that Jesse: So he said, “Fuck it, I’ll take the money over Curan: [to Konko] So dude, do you that doesn’t fucking work, so you just being in a band.” like Val’s yourself? Is that the best gotta do something else. Aphid: Is he really evil? burgers you’ve ever had? Aphid: So what steered you away Jesse: He’s the nicest guy you’ll ever fucking meet. Just Konko: I’ve never been there. from joining the Hostages and made the most Average Joe. Aphid: I love Val’s. But I only get to you join the Midnight Evils? Curan: He’s the most average guy I’ve ever met in my eat it maybe once a year. Jesse: I just moved back to town. I life. Curan: Serious. The fries will chap wasn’t even in town a week and I set Aphid: So he’s more like Average Joel than Joel Evil. your fucking lips. They use popcorn up an audition with these guys and [laughter] salt on the fucking fries. And by the like the next week I was gonna do Curan: He’s a great guy. But come to think of it, when time you’re done, you have to put one with the Hostages. But the one I STARTED PLAYING IN BANDS FOR THE CHICKS. AND I SOON FIGURED OUT THAT THAT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK, SO YOU JUST GOTTA DO SOMETHING ELSE. he was in the band at the time, nobody really called him “Joel Evil” ‘cause it never really fit. Jesse: Joel Anderson is the most fitting name for him. Aphid: So are you still in contact with Mr. Evil? Curan: Yeah, he comes to our shows every once in a while. Aphid: So then the “evils” part of your band name was some sort of tie-in to his stage name or something? Was it his band concept? Curan: Well, no. What happened is Steve, Nate the drummer, and Joel started the band. They wanted a bass player, so they got this one guy and they had him for a while. Then one day at practice he said he wanted to turn the lights off and jam with the strobe light on. So they kicked him out immediately after that. [laughter] So I knew Nate and I never played bass in my life, never played a note and he’s like “Hey man, we’re jamming. You wanna play in this band?” And I’m like “I don’t know. I don’t play bass.” So he’s like, “Dude, you don’t even need to know how to play the bass. All we do is get fucked up and fuckin play in this basement.” So when I joined the band I didn’t even own a bass. I used Joel’s brother’s bass and every time I’d come to practice Joel would say “You bought a bass yet?” Anyway, Jonny [ex-lead singer] joined around the same time I did. And then Nate got married and moved to Colorado. Then Lee, this friend of ours, told us about this guy Jesse who was looking for a band. He said he was thinking about joining the Hostages but maybe we could get him to come practice with us. Jeremy: The Hostages ended up sucking, by the way. Aphid: So most of you are from St. Cloud originally. I gotta ask. Have you ever eaten at Val’s? Konko: What the hell is Val’s? A strip club? Aphid: It’s this little throw-back hamburger joint on the eastside of St. Cloud. It’s like you go there and you’re walking back in time, to the ‘50s or something. It’s dirt cheap but the food’s pretty good, in a shitty fast food way. Curan: Let me just say this: I don’t even live in St. Cloud anymore and I still eat a Val’s once a week. I promise you. Konko: Do you know Val Venis (an ex-professional wrestler)? Jesse: [laughing] Yeah... Aphid: Val Venis is a twit. He stopped being funny a long fucking time ago. Plus, I guess he’s some über- Republican putz, in real life. So fuck him. HE'S LIKE, "DUDE, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE BASS. ALL WE DO IS GET FUCKED UP AND FUCKIN PLAY IN THIS BASEMENT."

we know it, whereas other bands that say that aren’t really rock’n’roll – you know what I mean? Aphid: What’s your least favorite description of your band? Curan: Well, I was once told that we sounded a little bit like Jethro Tull. [laughter] Aphid: You’re kidding. Curan: That’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. Aphid: But you guys need a flute. [laughter] Curan: Yeah, a rock’n’roll flute. I guess we’re Jethro Tull minus the rock’n’roll flute. [laughter] Yeah, you know, I don’t really care what they say. Aphid: Well, speaking of that, aside from Razorcake, which of the major punk zines has reviewed the Midnight Evils? Curan: Maximum Rocknroll. Punk Planet, I guess, gave us a pretty good review. Aphid: Really? That kinda surprises me. I thought they’d think you guys were too low-brow. Curan: It surprised me too ‘cause the last two reviews we got were just, well, they weren’t bad reviews, but like “This band’s okay, but I wouldn’t buy it.” Aphid: What’d MRR have to say? Curan: Basically like “they’re ugly dudes who like to drink.” [laughter] Yeah, we get that all the time. Jesse: That really does a lot for your ego, man. [laugh- ter] Curan: Chicks just love that shit! [more laughter] You get laid so much, I can’t even tell you guys! Aphid: Did Hitlist ever review you? Curan: Our first 7 inch got reviewed in Hitlist and they told us we needed to quit sounding like Social with these guys went well enough that like Angus or Malcolm. Distortion. I just said, “Fuck the Hostages.” Curan: I just think that we all like Jeremy: Shut up! Curan: He said, “Fuck the Hostages.” rock’n’roll, man. And that’s all that we Jesse: When that shit was recorded, I was only in the [laughter] Sorry Brad. try to play, you know? band for three weeks, at that point. Jeremy: So do you guys consider Jesse: Keep it intense. Curan: So you’re bailing out and saying it was the yourselves a punk rock band or an Curan: I mean, rock’n’roll for us is rest of our faults and not yours. [laughter] AC/DC metal band? back to the basics. It’s Chuck Berry, Jesse: Totally. Personally, I hate fucking Social Jesse: None of that shit. Punk is it’s Little Richard… Distortion. But that’s just me. I hate that dude’s voice. bogus. Aphid: Please don’t say the Beatles. Jeremy: Okay, how many times do you guys get laid Curan: I don’t know, man. I like what Curan: [laughs] No. But it’s all those when you play a show in town here? I like. I like punk rock and I like rock guys. Jesse: Never. The ladies hate us in this fucking town. and I like old country, for godsakes. I Jesse: Keep it simple and stupid. Curan: You go to a Midnight Evils show, you’ll like old Johnny Horton and Ferron Three chords and you’re out. But notice it’s one big sausage party. [laughter] Young. sometimes we play it so fast and so Jesse: Dude, the chicks don’t dig us, man. That’s a Aphid: But a lot of people who review hard that I can see how people would well-known fact. you guys mention AC/DC – which I take it as Scandinavian rock, like you Aphid: Maybe it’s because you don’t have a website can definitely see as an influence. But said. Whatever the hell it is that we’re where you can put up steamy photos of each band no more than an influence. Personally, doing. Three chord blues rock. member. Maybe you need to get a “rock star I think you sound more like one of Curan: Sped-up rock’n’roll. makeover” like you see on MTV or VH1 or whatever. those late ‘90s Scandinavian bands Jesse: Yeah. That’s real general, but Have any of you considered that? like the Hellacopters or something. yeah. Brian: No. Brian: Definitely we all love AC/DC. Brian: I’ve had people ask me, “What Curan: Can’t say that I have. It comes through, but it’s not all we’re do you play?” and I say, Jesse: I don’t know what you’re talking about. about. Obviously, Jesse doesn’t drum “Rock’n’roll.” But every band does Aphid: Good. That’s the correct answer. And by the like Phil Rudd and I don’t play guitar that. But I think we play rock’n’roll as way, seriously, why the hell don’t you have a website? like the way that last record turned out. I think with or without Jon, it turned out pretty good. Brian: I think now we know a little bit more and we’ll be a little bit more relaxed. I just know we know the process of recording and with Tim Kerr – we didn’t meet him at all before we went down there. I mean we emailed and spoke to him a few times, but we didn’t really know what to expect. But now we have an understanding of how he works. Curan: And he knows his shit, man. Brian: Yeah, he actually crafted the record, how it sounds. A lot of the shit we would’ve never thought of ever doing. Aphid: All right, here’s a standard but important and revealing question. What’s your favorite beer? Jesse: Budweiser. Curan: Pabst. Jesse: Anything crappy. Light beer. Nothing darker than pee. Curan: No light beer. Jeremy: What’s your favorite drink? Curan: Wanderer’s Punch at the Dragon. I don’t recommend driving after two of them. One is dri- vable, two is not drivable. Jesse: Bombay Sapphire gin and tonic. I just like liquor, man. You can’t pick a favorite. It’s like pick- ing your favorite kid. Aphid: [to Curan] So do your mutton chops get a lot of attention? Curan: I guess so. The ladies like to tug on ‘em... the out of town ladies. None of the Minneapolis ladies. But every time we play a show out of town, someone will be like, “Can I touch your sideburns?” Jeremy: But you don’t even have sideburns any- more. You’ve got a big ol’ beard. Brian: I’m working on it right now. Should we look for another singer? Curan: Yeah. They grew in. I’ll have sideburns Part of it is like people who have Should we – could we – even do it our- again though. offered to do it so many times, never selves? Is that even a possibility?” So I Jeremy: Do you ever get compared to Grizzly fucking do it. But I have the software at think everything worked out, on his Adams? home and I’m doing it. part and ours. I think he’s happy doing Curan: [laughs] Yes, all the fucking time. Curan: What Brian is trying to say is whatever he’s doing. Aphid: Okay, now you guys have obviously played that everybody is to blame for it but us. Aphid: Do you see him at all? Do you around the Twin Cities an awful lot and have done [laughter] bump into him? shows with a lot of local bands. Who’s dink have Aphid: Who would you rather punch Brian: No, he doesn’t really go out too you seen more of, Rob’s from Vaseline Alley or in the mouth – Paris Hilton or Jessica much. Paddy’s from Dillinger Four? Simpson? Curan: Me and Jesse bumped into him Curan/Jesse: [in unison] Rob’s from Vaseline Jesse: I’d like to donkey punch both. once since he’s been outta the band and Alley. [laughter] he walked right by us. Aphid: Is it because there’s more of it to see? Brian: I can’t wait until your parents Brian: I wouldn’t talk to him. I was at [laughter] read that. [laughter] the Darkness show and he was there. Jesse: No, it’s because I’ve only seen Dillinger Four Jesse: No, no. Strike that from the But I don’t have anything against Jon. once back in like 1994 and I’ve seen Vaseline Alley record. I’m gonna plead the fifth. Whatever. on a number occasions. Aphid: So what’s the official story on Curan: I don’t either, man. I think he’s Curan: I’ve seen Dillinger Four, but I think all the Jonny’s departure from the band? happy and we’re a lot happier. shows I go to, for some reason, Paddy doesn’t get Curan: We recorded our last record, it Brian: I think it’s gonna be pretty cool naked. And every Vaseline Alley show I go to, Rob was two weeks before the record came to hear us all sing. gets naked. out, and we were starting to book and Curan: Yeah. We’re excited about the Aphid: Maybe Paddy’s shy around you. It might stuff and he just finally came to the new record. have something to do with the giant sideburns. point where he just said, “Look, I’m Aphid: So tell us about the new record. Curan: [laughing] Yeah, maybe. not gonna tour with you guys.” And we Is it gonna be on Estrus again? Aphid: All right, here’s a question I asked the Fuck said we’re going, either way. Brian: Yep. Yeahs when I interviewed them a few months ago, Aphid: Was it job-related or what was Aphid: Full length? but I’m gonna ask you guys, too. How did the his problem with touring? Brian: Yep. We’re going to record it in Midnight Evils wind up not being on the Twin Cities Curan: He just didn’t like it. He didn’t Austin. I think it’s gonna be CD/LP punk comp, No Hold Back... All Attack? like going in the van, he didn’t like this time. Curan: No one asked us. sleeping on floors, you know, just all Curan: I think it’s probably gonna Aphid: Why the hell not? that stuff. I mean, I can respect that. come out in springtime. Jesse: We’re not punk enough. [laughter] But the new record came out and he Aphid: So when do you actually do the Maybe they think we’re still from St. Cloud. just said he was gonna quit. So he quit recording? two weeks before our CD release show. Curan: October first through the sev- www.estrus.com So we’re like, “Should we break up? enth, down in Austin. I mean, we really [email protected] 77 Interview by Jeff Clayton TTHHEE BBAADD VVIIBBEESS Pictures by Larry Kay

ven though I’ve known Geoff Gavin for a few years now, I had no idea what to expect when I listened to the demo ver- Esion of The Bad Vibes’ debut album for the first time back in 2001. The only things I’d ever heard from Philly, other than Todd Rundgren and Hall & Oates, were Limecell and Rancid Vat, and those groups are so different and diverse I was about ready for anything. I was glad to hear the band didn’t jump on any cur- rent trends—for example, being from Philly, they weren’t playing Southern punk. I knew if their stage presence matched what I was hearing, they’d be a band to reckon with live. I was very surprised the first time I saw them because they did more than match that intensity. I’d never seen a band that was so oblivious to the fact that there was an audience watching them. It was like they didn’t care, like they were playing for themselves, to themselves. Not in a snobbish way; like musical group therapy instead of entertain- ment. When they ended their set by destroying all of the equip- ment they owned, it kinda capped the whole thing off. Their sound draws heavily from early ‘80s hardcore—leaning more toward Negative Approach, but not in a retro way, just influenced by it; it still sounds very modern. If you’re aware that Philly has earned itself the nickname “Hostile City,” it should be no surprise that’s where these guys are from. Jeff: Why don’t you give us a brief band of you reading this, he is one strange speci- anybody’s said to me about the band so far. history, for those who don’t know. men. Jeff: I mean, I thought I had it bad. And I Geoff: We started in January of 2000. We Geoff: [laughs] Me and Jesse and Mark do. played our first show in March of that year have known each other for years, since we [laughter] and we’ve been playing ever since. were about sixteen or seventeen. Mark is… Geoff: People who can relate, get it. Other Jeff: You’ve got two things out, right? A he’s a personality, definitely. people don’t seem to understand. track on one of the Carbon 14 compilation Jeff: Now, I don’t mean that in a bad way. I Jeff: I don’t know, I think it’s hard for 45s and your full length—if you wanna call want people reading this to understand what some people—especially these pseudo-jour- it that—CD, Hate Your Everything. I mean. You’re talking about a guy who can nalists, and especially in the cyberworld— Geoff: [laughs] Yeah. come onstage looking like one of The to understand how frustrating normal life is Jeff: How had the disc been received? Knack or Elvis Costello or something, and when you’re on your own. Especially when Geoff: I’ve heard pretty positive things it’s not a pose, man. You can tell people you’re raising a family. about it; a couple negatives here and there, who are posing, and this dude ain’t; he’s Geoff: Yeah. It’s all about working, paying but for the most part positive. Punk Planet just doing his thing. Then, at the end of the fuckin’ bills. Everyday shit like going and gave us a bad review but that was really the set—I don’t know who does it, you or waiting in line at a fuckin’ store—that’s my only negative one we got. him—someone flips a switch and this moth- slant on all that; just everyday frustrations Jeff: What did they say? erfucker goes off. Imagine this guy taking and annoyances. Geoff: Something like, “Thug, tough-guy the one and only bass he owns and throwing Jeff: I’ve known you for quite a while and hardcore that you could hear in any bar in it through the front window of the club! we’ve had a lot of late night conversations any city in the country.” You guys have that self-destruct thing going over the telephone about these normal Jeff: I guess that’s because you weren’t on at the end of some of your sets. everyday occurrences that make you want down on your knees crying. Geoff: Yeah. We definitely did that, espe- to pull out an automatic weapon and waste [laughter] cially in the very beginning. We started every fucking living thing within twenty Geoff: I actually liked the “thug, tough- playing out a month or two into being a miles. guy” part, I thought that was pretty cool. band so we didn’t have a lot of… the first Geoff: Yeah. The older I get, fewer people Jeff: Well, any kind of negative feedback show we played, I think we played four understand that. When you do find a couple you get from Punk Planet can always be songs. So for the first year, I’d say, we people who get it, it does kinda make you considered a positive in some other circles. would get through maybe four or five songs feel better about being crazy or whatever. Tell me who all is in the band other than and then just break shit; that was pretty [laughs] When you can talk to somebody yourself. much what we did. We didn’t start getting who’ll chuckle with you and not think Geoff: Jesse Cole plays guitar, Mark Doyle more serious about the music until we had you’re nuts for saying the shit you say. plays bass and Pat Durkin plays drums. our second drummer, then we started to Jeff: For years people would argue to the Jeff: Pat also was, and is, the drummer for concentrate more on the songs. Before we death that rock’n’roll is a young man’s Limecell. were just looking to cause a little bit of a game but I don’t buy that anymore. It seems Geoff: Yeah, he’s been in Limecell forever. ruckus. to me all the real anger and the angst is Jeff: The one man drum show. Jeff: I’ve been listening to music for many, coming from the older bands. The people Geoff: Absolutely. No doubt. many, many years and your lyrics are who have actually lived life, not the people Jeff: I’ll say something about the Bad among the most negative I’ve ever heard. who get mad because the big three-hole 78 Vibes’ bass player, for those Geoff: That’s probably the coolest thing white belt got sold out at the thrift store before they got to it or something. now, there’s only a handful of bands I’d Jeff: Staying with Steel Cage doesn’t have Geoff: I just think there’s a definite differ- even leave the house to go see at this point, anything to do with the fact that Larry Kay ence between teen angst and adult, real life y’know? I always wanted to be in a band looks like Frank Zappa? anger. I guess everybody goes through that I would liked to have seen. And there’s Geoff: Maybe a little. phases when they’re a teenager, and it’s sort so little of that going on now. Jeff: Any time frame for this? You said of a phase that I never got out of. It’s some- Jeff: For me it did become a phase. Because you’re gonna go in the studio in the next thing I’ve accepted at this point; it’s the I got into it (hardcore) when it was happen- few months. way I am and it’s the way I see things. I ing. I couldn’t stand too much of the DC Geoff: Yeah, August. I was talking to Larry can’t paint a rosy picture of something stuff or the Boston stuff and, after a while, and Leslie about it the other day. They said that’s not worth painting in the first place— the whole straightedge thing just took over. that as soon as we were done recording it for the most part anyway. I was done with it by the time it evolved they’d start working on getting it out, so I Jeff: So the album had been out for over a into what became New York hardcore. But imagine it’ll be out before the end of the year now, what’s in the works for some new later on, when that stuff wasn’t around any- year. shit? more, I started to miss it. Seeing groups like Jeff: You know the next thing you need to Geoff: We’re planning now to go in and you guys made me realize how much I real- work on, don’t you? record a whole new CD in August. ly did like Black Flag and Fear. That’s real- Geoff: What’s that? Jeff: And how long will this one be? ly good stuff. What you’re doing I think fits Jeff: A website. Geoff: Maybe three or four minutes longer right in there I think; Negative Approach, Geoff: [laughing] Yeah, that’s something than the first one, I don’t know. We’ve stuff like that. we’ve been talking about for four years and matured to the level where we have extend- Geoff: I still listen to that stuff. Not as haven’t done. This is a band of slackers; me ed jams now, so it’ll probably be up to much, but I still put it on and appreciate it and Pat are married and both have kids— about twenty minutes. as much as when I first heard it. Especially Pat’s got three and I have two. Just getting Jeff: Some people might complain about with the amount of shit bands that are com- everybody together is such a pain in the ass the first album—which, by the way, is fif- ing out now. Where else do you look? If sometimes. We took a little time off and teen minutes long—being so short, but to you wanna listen to something that’s punk now we’re getting back to the swing of it. me it’s like seeing the band live. You don’t rock you’ve gotta go back because there’s Jeff: You guys have played quite a bit in want to see you guys play for an hour and a certainly not a whole lot coming out now. Philly, and down in Charlotte with us half. You’re not that kind of band. Jeff: Do you have a title for the new album? (ANTiSEEN) once. Where else have you Geoff: True. Geoff: Yeah, it’s gonna be called All the played? New Jersey? Jeff: Seeing you guys play is like waiting Right Ways to Do You Wrong. Geoff: No. So far, we’ve really only played for this big time bomb to go off. I’m always Jeff: And what label’s gonna have the plea- Philly and Charlotte. standing around making sure no shit’s sure of putting this out? Jeff: What a jump. Well, for people reading gonna be flying and clock me in the head. Geoff: Steel Cage. They’ve done right by this, if you’re a club owner or a band that Geoff: I don’t have much of a desire to play us; I have no complaints about what they wants to have a group that’ll light a fire longer. I think the longest set we’ve ever did the first time and I definitely want to under your ass to open for you, you need to played was twenty-five minutes or a half- work with them again. Larry and Leslie are get in touch with these guys. hour, and that’s factoring in equipment great people and we’re definitely loyal to Geoff: That’s another thing we’re talking problems. I can’t keep that pace up for a the people who are loyal to us. That’s about, playing more shows; maybe finding long amount of time and I don’t think any- another thing that I think has kind of gotten another band that wants to go out on body else can either. lost somewhere, other bands you can the road with us for a little bit. Jeff: You mean equipment problems other depend on and people doing shit for each Jeff: Any final words? than having them pushed out into the street? other just doesn’t happen as much. Geoff: No. Geoff: [laughing] With us, who knows. To me, playing the kind of stuff we do, if it goes over a half-hour max it’s pushing it. Because if your energy level is up that high, you should burn out quick. Jeff: All I know is, when I see you guys it I don't want to brings me back to the days when I first started going to clubs and seeing Black progress into Flag, Crucial Truth, bands like that. I guess anything. I don't the first big go-round of hardcore— American hardcore that is. want to outgrow Geoff: That’s definitely where we’re draw- punk rock. I'm ing from. I was a little bit too young to catch the first wave of it, but that was thirty-two, I always the stuff I was into. When we were never outgrew it; going to shows—me and Jesse and Jesse’s brother, Nate—it was more ‘86, around that I love it as much era. We were seeing a lot of New York hardcore bands, the second wave of stuff. now as I did then. We kinda missed the boat on bands like I guess it's a Black Flag, Fear, the Circle Jerks and all that stuff just being the age we were. But phase for a lot of when I started this band, I specifically want- people but it just ed to do this kind of band. I don’t want to progress into anything. I don’t want to out- wasn't for me. grow punk rock. I’m thirty-two, I never out- grew it; I love it as much now as I did then. I guess it’s a phase for a lot of people but it just wasn’t for me. Trying to go to shows

impression of Bridges Down—which I listened to fifteen times over two months to see if it’d grow on me—was this: it’s Please note: Full just boring. I wanted to like this. –Todd album art is required (Mad at the World) ASHTRAY: Self-titled: 7” EP for review. Crude, effective, and funny DIY punk rock that has a spirit akin to Blatz. You Pre releases go into know, beer-along punk with songs about the problems of drinking Tussin, the the trash. virtues of 40oz salvation, and of being a meatatarian. The dual male/ female vocals work well. The lady’s screechy, like Kirsten of Naked Aggression, but 12 SUMMERS OLD: When the endearing. The recording’s a little off. It Romance Ends: CD 12 Summers Old? What the crap does sounds like someone’s learning Pro that mean? Is that your target audience Tools. There’s a weird echo during some age? I’m sure they hired some pro-mar- of the guitar parts. With simple stick fig- ket asshole to come up with this brilliant ure punk rock, where the instruments are idea. It’s a good thing they listed their the sonic equivalent to crayons, bands legal council in their liner notes (email have done much worse. –Todd (Ashtray) and all). I’m thinking of suing them for their attack on my sensibilities and good ATOMIC 7: taste. –Megan (Anomer) …en Hillbilly Caliente: CD Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet will An unnamed source has just forever have a special place in my heart 800 OCTANE: Rise Again: CD Is “Never Sleep Again” seriously about wagered you five dollars American as the band that, along with a few other Freddy Vs. Jason? I mean, I like horror musical luminaries like Rod Torfelson’s as much as the next guy. Okay, I proba- that you will be quite unable to pro- Armada and Mississippi Gary, provided bly like it a bit more than the next guy. cure a gayer band photo this year the musical accompaniment for my all- But a song about that movie? It became a time favorite television show, The Kids pivotal point of the album. Up until that than that which is depicted on this in the Hall. Former Shadowy Man Brian point I thought it was pretty uninspired Connelly resurfaces here with more rock blah. Then I thought the song was disc’s booklet’s interior. –Rev. Nørb instrumental twang and hilarious song about Jason, and was intrigued. Then I titles (“Various Rats Get Whacked,” figured out the truth, that it was a Freddy “Funeral Hotpants”). It’s well-crafted, Vs. Jason tribute song. So, then I decid- and wacky, but with a little tweak here scruffy facial-haired, beer bellied, slam- entertaining, and pleasant, but I seldom ed that they had to be a joke band, since and there, most of them could be used for a-shot-of-Jack, pit-stained wifebeater look for pleasantness in music. It’s a per- no one would seriously write a Freddy Saturday morning cartoons. It isn’t nec- rock that has a certain beehive-in-the- sonal thing, I know, but I’m looking for Vs. Jason song, and the next two songs essarily a bad thing, but it’s not exactly outhouse charm that I tend to cotton to. I that visceral charge of mistreated instru- were much more enjoyable. Then they tweaking my nipples and making me like. Now just come up with a less lame ments and flailing limbs. I can’t even say surpass themselves and go to unbearably want to smash parking meters, either. band name and we can begin start dis- that it’s good rainy day music because it played-out phrases, chords, and lyrical –Todd (SOS) cussing what sort of membership gifts never rains out here. Sorry. –Josh (Mint) patterns on the last song. –Megan I’ll receive for joining the band-formal- (New School) ADULT./ THE DIRTBOMBS: ly-known-as Amps II Eleven’s official ATTACK FORMATION, THE: Split/Split/Split 7”: 7” Fan Club. –Aphid Peewit (Smog Veil) Let the Notes Drip Ah, the cover split 7”. Two bands joining from Our Lips to Yours: CD ACTION TOOLBELT: I don’t know what the hell’s going on Self-titled: CD forces to take on one song from each ANTS, THE: Victory Side: CD College-radio friendly pop from the Gin other’s catalogues. This is the sort of Very mellow, sort of Pavement-meets- here. I mean, the music’s pretty reason- Blossoms/Wallflowers school, without release that record junkies dream about Daniel-Johnston-at-naptime quietness able, with elements of screamo dynam- the overly slick production. Singer/song- while digging through dusty crates, with pretty interesting lyrics. Hard to ics, sonic youthful discord, contempla- writer Owen Briggs is a bit too sincere, knowing full well that the first time the believe it took seven people to make it, tive self-absorption and found-sound and the songs are fairly typical English gem is spotted might be the last. Limited though. –Cuss Baxter (Sickroom) manipulation, but the packaging is mind- major stuff. Still, not bad if you’re a fan to 3000 copies, Split/Split/Split 7” brings gouging. First, there’s a silver ziploc bag, of this sort of thing. –Brian Mosher together Detroit-based groups Adult. and ARMY OF FRESHMAN: then in addition to the standard jewel (Fastmusic) The Dirtbombs to carry on in this punk Beg, Borrow, Steal: CD case, there’s a sticker and a newsprint tradition. Not merely a split between the Keyboard-heavy pop punk that sounds poster where Ben Snakepit presents por- two bands, this record also serves as a like Reggie & the Full Effect on a really traits of 135 people. The booklet and tray ADICTS, THE: card of the CD are just covered in writing Rollercoaster: CD split between Adult.’s Ersatz Audio and bad day. Honestly, this isn’t my cup of The Adicts are the longest running punk The Dirtbombs Cass Records, as well as tea. They seem to have their songwriting but most of it doesn’t say much (well, to band with the original lineup in the a split between two photographers. down pat; I just can’t seem to get past me, anyway). I think I found a list of world. First starting out as Afterbirth and (Nicola Kuperus of Adult. snapped The those keyboards and singer. –Jason K people in the band, but I only think that the Pinz in 1975, then changing their Dirtbombs while Dirtbomb Patrick (33rd Street) because there’s one I recognize (Tim names to the Adicts in ‘76, they seemed Pantano photographed Adult.) For this Kerr). Can’t even find an address intent on zagging when the rest of the release, The Dirtbombs chose to cover ARMY OF FRESHMEN: (though perhaps Tim Kerr = Austin?), English punk hordes zigged. Opting for “Lost Love,” which Adult. released back Beg, Borrow, Steal: CD and I’m speculating on the name of the fun, humorous, and ironic songs (a la the in 1999. With two drummers and two Watch your steps, kiddos. Dance Dance label. Brain-conking weirdness that Toy Dolls) instead of politics and class bassists, The Dirtbombs turn this into Revolution looks like it’s got a new sometimes seems a little forced. –Cuss war, they were able to carve out a unique rhythmic flurry so raw that it sounds as if soundtrack band. –Megan (33rd Street) Baxter (Die Die Diemond) smiley face on punk’s back. Their histo- it were recorded live in concert. If this is ry could easily be a Spinal Tap of punk a good indication of The Dirtbomb’s live ARSONS, THE: AUDIO INFIDELS: rock. Early success. They got signed by a set, then the band’s next tour is not to be Bridges Down: CD Rock, Paper, Scissors: CDEP major. Got sucked dry. Released a new missed. Meanwhile, Adult. takes on The Boy howdy, do I like the Arson’s first I guess that’s what it is; appears to be a wave record. Got back on their own two Dirtbombs “Pray for Pills.” As with the record, Full Life Crisis. Anthemic, pre-release sampler with six songs. feet, and keep plugging away. Almost last full length, Anxiety Always, Adult. melodic, and almost flawless in a Strong Rather, “songs.” Mostly songs, with an thirty years down the road, they release seems to have pushed the rock element in Reaction Pegboy sort of way. With amount of non-metal heaviness, and an album of entirely new material. How front of the band’s dance element. In this Bridges Down, there are flashes of their another amount of experimentation. I is it? Okay. Instead of the fire in the belly instance, the result is a short, heavy track early work, but two elements have put suppose that makes it prog rock. The of their first record, Songs of Praise, it filled with anguished screams and pan- flies in the taffy. 1.) Guitar solos all over real problem, however, is that the final seems that they’re more opting for a liv- icked electronics guaranteed to instill the fucking place. Ungh. Go Yngwie track (which runs to about twenty per- ing room full of votive candles. The set- only the best kind of madness in the lis- Malmsteen on your own time. 2.) The cent of the disc’s total time, mind you) ting’s mostly subdued; the tempos are tener. –Liz Ohanesian (Ersatz/ Cass) desire to mix hardcore tempos into sounds like a computer-generated simu- relaxed. There are even hints of ELO Jawbox-like breakdowns and prettiness. lation of someone walking around the (“Men in Black”) and Lou Reed AMPS II ELEVEN: Both of these elements drag the songs house throwing everything on the floor. (“Cheese Tomato Man”). My favorite Self-titled: CD out, dilute the initial impact, and ulti- And the thing is, I can get a Wanda-gen- songs are very close to what the modern Ornery, ass-kicking, snoose-spitting rock mately give off the impression of a band erated, non-simulated ACTUAL PER- day Skulls are hammering out. Sure, the that falls somewhere between early not quite sure what they want to do as a SON walking around the house throw- songs are still strange Hookers and the Midnight Evils. This is cohesive unit. Unfortunately, my lasting ing everything on the floor, and all I 82 have to do is drink two bottles of Thunderbird, or crap on the sofa again. testosterone-powered passion, without –Cuss Baxter (www.audio-infidels.com) trying to sound like he’s been gargling with gravel. He actually sings. What a BABY STRANGE: Put Out: CD concept. The guitar playing is both slith- Largely fuckin’ irrelevant. BEST SONG: ering and powerful, and works with the I’ll take any of the tracks where they pounding rhythm of the drums to force sound like the Figgs trying to sound like you to get up out of your seat and start ‘80s Stones over any of the tracks that shaking. Highly recommended. –Brian sound like Richard Marx in criminal pos- Mosher (Take Root) Top 40 7”s session of a Mooney Suzuki album, thanks. WORST SONG TITLE: “Suicide BLACK MARKET FETUS/ Girl” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA DISCIDER: Split CD FACT: An unnamed source has just Black Market Fetus: Politically oriented wagered you five dollars American that grind here. Found it difficult not to laugh It’s, like, art, you will be quite unable to procure a out loud after reading the line, gayer band photo this year than that “Resources are running out/the sky is which is depicted on this disc’s booklet’s turning grey/so use something twice dude. interior. –Rev. Nørb (Primary Voltage) before throwing it away.” Just doesn’t seem to fit in the context of a band with a BATHTUB SHITTER: drawing of a rotting corpse accompany- Fertilizer: 7” ing their half of the lyric sheet. Discider: These are the Bathtub Shitter shits high-intensity grind Hardcore punk with apocalyptic lyrics (though their leaden Sore Throat cover on and cookie monster vocals. –Jimmy top 7”S since the Murderous Grind Attack comp is the Alvarado (First Blood Family) the last mag. only song on that record that I consistent- ly skip), and here’s some of said shit from BOMBSHELLS, THE: 1999, both studio and live: seven pieces Self-titled: CD of not-letting-up that does not let down. Oh my god, so punk rock that one wears Underground Medicine Mailorder, Conneticut And lyrics, thank god: “The fly is to be his belt—get this—sideways! I know, crazy for the smell of my excrement/The unbelievable. Then I put this on and they (Bancroft) insect is to roll it/I may be sort of a cre- sing about doing dirty things with sluts. 1. Real Losers, Don’t Leave Me Now ator,” then some stuff that makes even And fights in bathrooms. Of course, one , Make Me Bleed (Solid Sex Lovie Dolls) less sense, and then, “In short, they may wears stripes too. I read a review that said 2. Tokyo Electron call you ‘BROWN FINGER’/Be fine.” that this is a must-have if you live in 3. Intelligence, Test (SS) Long live non-sequitur scat metal! –Cuss Silverlake (the over-priced, hipster-haven 4. Okmoniks, Compact 33 (In-Fi) Baxter (First Blood Family) of LA). I can’t agree more. –Megan (Riff Raff) 5. Dirty Fingers, RocknRoll Ain’t Easy (Bombshells) (Squirrel) BLACK DICE: Miles of Smiles 6. Savage Lucy, Dead Boys Stay Dead CDEP / Creature Comforts CD BONECRUSHER: 7. Lili Z., Leatherlution (SS) /Wolf Eyes Split: CD Tomorrow Is Too Late: CD , Cori Street (Longshot) Black Dice is an unusual entity—it does- I never thought I’d put the word “subtle- 8. New Town Animals (Solid Sex Lovie Doll) n’t make music so much as shapes noise, ty” and Bonecrusher in the same sen- 9. 10-4 Back Door, I Fucked a Prostitute as it guides seemingly random sounds tence. For a blue collar, simple and (Solid Sex Lovie Dolls) into something resembling order and heavy-as-concrete band that bases its rep- 10. Limes, Goddamn You Honey structure. It has more in common with utation on hard work for little pay and avant-garde composers like Philip Glass gigs for beer, it’s the little things that and Steve Reich than it does with indie or make this CD stand head and shoulders punk, although most of the people who above the street punk and oi throngs. Know Crap Mailorder, listen to Black Dice likely wouldn’t both- Usually, this type of music doesn’t age Oregon er with listening to the band’s predeces- gracefully (see current day Cock Sparrer). 1. No Hope for the Kids sors. These songs bubble, pulse, throb To avoid being a parody of their former , Das Reich (Backwards Masking) and sometime squawk with noise; usually selves, they’ve mixed things up ever so 2. Lili Z., Leatherlution (SS) they sound like modulated whale songs slightly. There are some songs about lone- 3. Horrorcomic with arpeggiated guitar notes played in liness and despair on this record. This , I Don’t Mind (Lightning) reverse. You get the idea. It’s noisy shit works well for them. Bonecrusher’s still 4. Intelligence, Test (SS) that isn’t always easy to listen to. The got the blunt force power of a band like 5. Carpettes, No Chance (Last Year’s Youth) Miles of Smiles EP is almost thirty min- the Anti-Heroes, the prison-strong 6. utes long and consists of two songs. The muscling of the debut Discontent’s Who Kill-A-Watts, New Things (Goodbye Boozy) Creature Comforts full-length is less Killed Vinyl? 7”, and they could probably 7. X, Delta 88 (Dangerhouse) soothing than Beaches and Canyons, but take any other band down in a no-holds- still utterly fascinating. The Wolf Eyes barred belt fight. That’s been established, 8. Vee Dee, Blood Zombie (Goodbye Boozy) split (honestly, with the lack of liner but it’s the guitar work and drumming on 9. Point Line Plane notes, it’s tough to tell who does what or Tomorrow Is Too Late that’s keeping me , Shhhh Boom (SS) is involved with it) is more of the same, reaching back to this CD. I can’t help but 10. Sons of Cyrus with more thrashing noise in the vein of snap my fingers along to the songs. For , Tired of This Time (Fandango) Black Dice’s earlier work, as well as some reason, this record’s much better audio terrorists like John Zorn. –Puckett than their last effort, The Good Life, and (DFA; on par with their best work, circa Working /Fusetron) for a Living. Happily surprised. –Todd (Knock Out) Disgruntled Mailorder, California BLACK FURIES: Self-titled: CD I instantly liked this CD, from the stutter- BONELESS CHILDREN 1. Briefs/Shocks, split (Dirty Faces) ing drum intro and insistent one-note FOUNDATION, THE: piano of the opening track, “Offer Self-titled: CD 2. Leeches, Integration (Kapow) Resistance,” right through ‘til the closing Quirky college alt-rock. Club owners 3. Vom , Live at Surf City (Kryptonite) “Handout,” with its almost Social might find it a very useful tool when they 4. Feelers, Fuhrer’s New Miniskirt Distortion-worthy blues melody. Thirteen want to clear the club out after a show. (Death by Noise) songs in just over thirty minutes of hard –Jimmy Alvarado 5. Lost Sounds, 3x7” box set (Rockin Bones) rockin’ punk fun that’ll leave you begging (www.bonelesschildren.com) 6. Taxi, Who’s to Blame (Deadbeat) for more. There was something familiar 7. Starvations about the sound of this record which I BRIEFS, THE: Sex Objects: CD , One Way to Remind (GSL) couldn’t quite place at first, until I turned One of the hundreds of cool things about it off and found myself singing Deep the Briefs is that even through they have 8. Diffs, self-titled (Headline) Purple’s “Woman from Tokyo.” Not that a sound that’s unmistakably their own, the Black Furies sound like Deep their songs don’t sound the same. Maybe 9. BellRays, Warhead (Bronx Cheer) Purple—there are no twenty-minute gui- it’s because there’s no true frontman, and tar solos, for instance—but there is some- Lance, Daniel, Steve E and Chris all share 10. Die Hunns/Radio 1 split (Disaster) thing similar in the way they reinterpret in the fun. Although Hit After Hit is still three-chord rock’n’roll for the 21st centu- the album I foist on Briefs virgins, this ry. The singer delivers with plenty of release is a damn sight better than the last one. Fans will recognize songs from their to auto pilot and solely flying over well- CHERRY LANE: 30: CDEP sounded THAT MUCH like Rocket from live set and seven inches. What I love covered ground. It’s manic, gnashing, Reviewing this record is little more than the Crypt (Horns and tempo. Mostly best about this band is they write and vital, exciting stuff that I can say, with- influence trainspotting—Hot Water horns.), and here they were playing in record music as if it was 1978 and they out reservation, stands shoulder to Music. Small Brown Bike. You get the Rocket’s home town with about nineteen need a song that will knock the shoulder with not only DS-13 and idea. –Puckett (Thinker Thought) people watching, and nobody from Undertones off the top of the charts. Fucked Up, but Minor Threat and Rocket there to approve or disapprove. Mission accomplished. –Jim Ruland Negative Approach. If you like your CHEVAL DE FRISE: Then someone from Rocket did show up, (BYO) hardcore with teeth and smarts, look no Self-titled: CD but he was just there to drop off his girl- further. Jackhammers of songs. Jed Some musical rapscallions impress us friend who was in one of the other bands, BROKEN BONES: Whitey, an Australian band who have a with their musical prowess by raising a and I think he watched the Cougars for No-One Survives: 7” ton in common with the Supersuckers’ big, arty, instrumental cacophony with around one minute. Having now heard On these three songs, “Dead Inside, “No most straight forward, driving songs, drums, bass and ACOUSTIC GUITARS. the CD, I can state that they sound more One Survives,” and “Systematic Abuse,” crunch out six songs of non-suck punk Boy, oh boy, I for one am impressed, you like Nazareth than I noticed at the show. Broken Bones deliver serious hardcore rock’n’roll on par with “Born with a hellions you. –Jimmy Alvarado They’re from Chicago and have some of with screaming guitars and screamed Tail.” Toss in some Lazy Cowgirls for (Sickroom) that Midwest (Jesus Lizard) goofiness, vocals. No melody to speak of, and if it good measure. On the cover, if you just and the man says, “Good luck with your weren’t for the fact that I had to flip the see the two names, it’s kind of an enig- CINCH, THE: big pants” in the song “Cookietown.” disc over, I probably wouldn’t have ma. “How does this work?” In the end, Shake If You Got It: CD Good enough for me. –Cuss Baxter noticed the change from one song to the it just shows that punk’s a much bigger I liked the EP fine, but the formerly (Thick) next. Still, very powerful. Also, if you’re tribe than many of the uptight scene impending full-length is so meandering interested in packaging, this one is very police would like to admit. Bitchin’ and ethereal that i’m pretty sure you COUNTERCLOCKWISE, THE: nice. A fold out sleeve with lyrics and split. –Todd (Deranged) could conjure up a more Gripping Rock Self-titled: CD band photos, and the disc itself is white Experience by listening thru the walls to Lo-fi, down home creepiness in the best vinyl. –Brian Mosher (Dr. Strange) CARI CLARA: Miniature the chick who lives in the apartment possible sense. It’s equal parts reckless American Model Society: CD above you singing along to her Dream Mummies slop, Hasil Adkins porch BURNING IMAGE: Odd, shambling, quirky indie rock Syndicate album. Only thing shaking stomp, and something very bizarre that I 1983-87: CD which veers from flanged distortion to here is my head, and that’s due to the ver- can’t quite put my finger on. It’ll grow I kept looking at this and wondering why gentle melodies. To get an idea of the itable Parkinson’s Disease of disdain i on you like some weird fungus, and then I knew the band name, and when I kind of broad, sweeping musical spec- have just now been stricken with. BEST the next thing you know, you’ll be weav- pressed play they sounded so goddamned trum this record covers, it incorporates SONG: “Forwards & Backwards” BEST ing down the sidewalk with half a jug of familiar, but I just couldn’t place ‘em. elements of psychedelia, power pop, SONG TITLE: “I Feel Strange” FAN- wine in your hands and these songs in And then “Hives” came on and the mem- rock, electronica—and that’s literally TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: your head. Embrace the madness. –Josh ories came flooding in. The aforemen- the tip of this iceberg. I can hear Big “Mystery Train” is not the Sun-era Elvis (Nation of Kids) tioned “Hives” was one of the better Star, Primal Scream, the Butthole number of identical nomenclature. Also, tracks on Mystic Record’s would-be Surfers, Pavement… this list could go the “A” in “FAde Out” is capitalized. CZOLGOSZ/CRITICA death rock comp, Let’s Die. Lots of on, but what it boils down to is that there –Rev. Nørb (Dirtnap/Stutter) RADICALA: Split: CD gloominess and weird time changes, with are only a handful of contemporary Critica Radicala: Romanian punk rock enough punk pumped into the sound to artists that are this ambitious and COMPLETE CONTROL: that makes up for its lack of intensity keep things edgy. That also pretty much diverse (two that spring to mind are The Reaction: CD/ LP with unique vocals. Homeboy doesn’t sums up the sound here as well. There’s Beta Band and Simian). When most I’m always a little suspicious of bands scream so much as try to sing in rich a lot of diversity in the music, but they songs start, I haven’t the slightest clue named after classic punk songs baritone what’s on his mind. Interesting managed to keep everything pretty well where they’re going because, as Cari (“Complete Control” was the Clash’s introduction for these ears to how some amped up to prevent it all from dissolv- Clara proves in “We’re the Pollution,” fourth single), but hot damn, these guys punks in Romania approach punk. ing into one big arty mess of pretentious they can transform a song that wouldn’t unabashedly rip. They have less in com- Czolgosz: Holy shit, what happened with sludge. Nice to finally hear more from have sounded out of place on a lo-fi mon with ‘77 punk and more of a mix these guys? Last I heard from them was these guys than their single and that lone Guided By Voices record to a soothing, between the ball-bearing tight musician- their full-length on Rodent Popsicle, comp track, and word is they’re out play- droning, indie rock gem which reminds ship of Funeral Oration mixed in with the which was good, but these six songs are ing again, which hopefully means they’ll me of Radiohead in one beat. I won’t force and the no-nonsense charge of The something else entirely. Each song be back in the studio soon. –Jimmy even bother with classifications (except Effigies, and the undeniable energy of approaches the hardcore equation from a Alvarado (Alternative Tentacles) to tell you that this isn’t even close to the Bodies. It’s almost as if the pop punk different angle and some very pointed punk or emo or anything like them), flag has been expertly folded into what lyrics take to task Belarus President C.AARME: Self-titled: CD because the only way I can really would be usually considered a street Aleksandr Lukashenko, America’s com- I wish I knew the names of more bands explain this is noting that it’s perfect for punk box and then the whole deal is placent Left, police and Boston’s hard- that are doing this sound right now, a long summer drive through the desert burned. New, dangerous flames jumping core scene, among other topics. Damn because I know there are a lot, but the with the top down and the radio up from old ideas. The lead singer’s voice fine punk rock from these guys can be only one I can think of is the Mean Reds. when no other cars are around. It’s makes it easy for the speed to digest found here. –Jimmy Alvarado Punk that’s loud without being harsh. expansive enough to fill that space. when he sings about rotting flesh and (www.czolgosz.com) Swedish without being thrash. Fun with- Chalk this disc up as a hugely unexpect- America’s foreign policy woes. He does- out being stupid. Makes you want to ed surprise, which is surprisingly good. n’t seem in a hurry, can carry a note, and DARLINGTON: dance without punching. Loaded with –Puckett (Tiberius) there are guitar melodies dancing and Euthanize Me: CD energy that you can tell comes from exu- weaving all over the place. For a debut A lot of different influences here berance rather than a can. Real great CHASMA: Kathe for a Pou LP, this is absolutely incredible. This (Ramones/Social Distortion). Nothing stuff. –Cuss Baxter (Burning Heart) Allos Ginome: CDEP sounds like a band that’s been playing for complicated or necessarily good, just When I think of world music that isn’t over five years. I’d put them on par with straight, low-fi, old school pop punk CALIFORNIA REDEMPTION: merely a soundtrack for yuppies to feng The Boils and Wednesday Night Heroes. recorded the old fashioned way, with all This Time It’s shui their apartments to, a band like –Todd (TKO: CD, Slab-o-Wax: LP) the catchy hooks and lyrics I care to tol- for the Money: CD Chasma is what comes to mind. They’re erate. “F-’em” and “Destroy All Lines” I hear the potential for a good band Russian. Although their musical COPEATER: are the standout tracks on this release, buried in there somewhere, but the mix approach from song to song takes a lit- Wisconsin Grindcore: CD but the rest was quickly forgotten. kinda zaps what power they’re able to tle bit of getting used to, they explore The title says about all you need to know –Jason K (Disaster) muster right out of some songs that are ska, metal, rock, art, and roadhouse about them, for “Wisconsin grindcore” pretty overwrought and underwhelming blues, all under the loose, huge umbrel- is, indeed, exactly what they are. I have DAUNTLESS ELITE, THE: to begin with. My suggestion is to sack la of punk. The good news is that they no doubt that the legendary Mike Security?: CD anyone in the band who is able to play somehow fearlessly pull it all together. Thrashead will be in fuckin’ nirvana the Is Plan-It-X entering No Idea melodic- their instrument with any proficiency, get It’s interesting, listenable, and not easily moment he slaps this onto his player. punk territory? Dauntless Elite play real pissed off at the world, and then scrunched into a tiny pigeonhole. Other Purty artwork of zombie-like corpses. music that sounds a little like Dillinger unleash that rage on the world via your bands which come to mind that are sim- –Jimmy Alvarado (First Blood Family) Four and a little like American Steel, punk band. Need some inspiration? ilarly unclassifiable would be which means that YOU ALL KNOW Listen to Ill Repute’s Oxnard, Land of Scotland’s Oi Polloi, Italy’s I Refuse It!, COUGARS: Manhandler: CDEP HOW THEY SOUND ALREADY. But, No Toilets EP, paying special attention to or America’s Tchkung! All collective I happened to see the Cougars by sheer hey, this is good nonetheless, if a little on “Fuck with My Head.” That should set amalgamations that come across as pan- coincidence about two days before this the generic side. This is Kix. you in the right direction. –Jimmy world and otherworldly. Chasma’s CD came in the mail. I didn’t know any- Dependable—and after reviewing the Alvarado (www.caredemption.com) lyrics are in Cyrillic, so I have no idea thing about them, and I was standing Gamits, this sounds like genius. I can’t what they’re singing about. The paint- there moving my head up and down in complain. And I bet they could be amaz- CAREER SUICIDE/ ings in the album artwork are dark, that way some folks do when enjoying ing live! Good! –Maddy (Plan-it-X) JED WHITEY: Split LP broad-stroked, and filled with barbed music, and thinking (aside from, “man, Career Suicide have a savant-like intu- wire, which fits the music very well. that singer is quite a showman, grinning DEAD STOP: ition around classic hardcore. They know Obscure yet very satisfying. –Todd and leering and bobbing like that”) that it Done with You: CD which buttons to push to keep it flying ([email protected]) COULDN’T be an accident that they The label describes them as a mix of and running smoothly without resorting Negative Approach and early Agnostic Front with a dash of Cro-Mags, and I formed, and produced by one dude. really can’t argue with that assessment. T1: Is it any good? This is some pretty danged good east T2: Better than that. coast-oriented hardcore firmly rooted in T1: It smacks of novelty. the ‘80s, but with enough chops to shake T2: Sure it does. off any accumulated dust. Good, good T1: It doesn’t look like a new wave shit. –Jimmy Alvarado (Deranged) record. T2: Nope, it sure doesn’t. Skulls aren’t DEADLOCK FREQUENCY: heavily incorporated into new wave. Not Traffic: CD as much as stripes. Here is a band that sounds so much like T1: Does he wear a skinny tie, at least? Oi Polloi that I could easily fool many T2: There’s no picture of him. Just of into thinking that this could be them. The someone passed out on the cover, but I singer here sounds so much like Degsy don’t think it’s a picture of him. from Oi Polloi at times that it was hard to T1: What’s so good about it? figure out who it sounded like since I had T2: It’s surprising, when new wave does- a preconceived idea that this band was n’t have that many surprises. It’s like ska. going to be hardcore. If there were no The mode’s set. It really depends on how screamo parts, the masquerade would be well the songs are written. For christ carried out. With a strong singer estab- sake, “Hardcore Addicts” sounds like lished, the backing band has to have the Ministry minced with New Town chops and this one does. The songs are Animals, but it’s really good. Demented, punk-driven with light metallic over- even. tones delivering mid tempo blasts of T1: Get out. anger that are raw and engaging. If the T2: No, it’s like he found a new gateway lyrics were more focused and detailed on through the trapped universe of new more political topics, this would be Oi wave. It’s still catchy, the keyboards are Polloi’s equivalent here in the states. still there, but the guitars and drums are –Donofthedead (Not Bad) turned up and hit hard. Nothing wrong with that. DECONDITIONED: T1: From the Northwest, at least? Overpopulation Begins T2: Atlanta of all places. Damn, it’s and Ends with You: 7” manic stuff. Mind if I flip it over again? Spastic hardcore, musically along the T1: Not at all. lines of a slower Deep Wound. Contains T2: Folks who dig Dirtnap’ll lap this shit the first bikes vs. autos-themed song I up. Left field surprise of the issue for me. think I’ve ever heard. Good stuff if you –Todd (Derek Lyn Plastic) like it short, fast and sloppy. –Jimmy Alvarado (Banal Existence) DETONATIONS: Static Vision: CD DECONTROL: Sounds to me as if somebody imported The Final War: CD Seduce or Danzig or The Cult or some Great, loud hardcore, but two things real- other bullshit late ‘80s music into ly bug me about both this release: a) Adobe® Photoshop™ as a tiff file, then, Why are the vocals buried so far back in from the drop-down “Filters” menu, the mix? Does the singer sound like a selected and applied the “Garage” filter a “Riboflavin…” and “Procession.” TITLE: n/a FANTASTIC AMAZING six-year-old girl or something? b) If couple of times. To reside in whatever Although Dinah is the only member of TRIVIA FACT: Crazy Stevie Baise plays you’re gonna put so much effort into city this band hails from is now certainly the band who originally haunted the bass on this record, and i wouldn’t’ve being a band, why opt to ape Discharge a source of great dishonor. BEST SONG: stages here in L.A. with 45 Grave, her guessed that in a billion years had i not instead of doing your own thing? Seems Well, i thought they did a half-decent band of cohorts here do a damn good job peeked at the back cover. –Rev. Nørb like such a cop out, you know? To be cover of T. Rex’s “The Slider.” Oh, wait, here. Those included are past/present (Riff Raff) honest, I’ve got the same gripe with the we’re still talking about Seduce, aren’t members of: guitarist Daniel De Leon whole “D-beat” thang: “Yeah, we’ve got we? BEST SONG TITLE: (Calavera/Lobo Negro), bassist Lisa DOOR-KEYS, THE: a band, but we can’t think of a single “Speakereater” FANTASTIC AMAZ- Pifer (Snap-Her, Lisafer, Faghags), and Greenwood Park Mall: CD original thought of our own, so we’ll just ING TRIVIA FACT: Science has now drummer Hal Satan (Penis Flytrap). Rhino recently reissued pretty much put some extra effort into sounding uncovered a direct correspondence Word has it that besides this being the every album X ever recorded with bonus EXACTLY like some long-dead English between usage of the Aarco font and second offering of 45 Grave, the band tracks at $11.99 list. That’s not to say that punk band.” This is as bad as a Xerox inability to distinguish between the cor- has full intentions of letting their origi- this record is bad, but you really should reproduction. Yeah, tons of “classic” rect contexts for the words “your” and nals come into being in the near future. listen to Wild Gift or Under the Big Black bands took their cues from Discharge, “you’re.” –Rev. Nørb (Alive) Keep your ear to the headstone, boys and Sun before picking this up so you know too, but the best of ‘em, including Mob ghouls. –Designated Dale where it comes from. –Puckett 47, Krigshot and even the Fartz were DIGBY: Falling Up: CD (www.dinahcancer.com) (Plan-It-X) able to put their own stamp on the tem- Words cannot describe how much this plate. –Jimmy Alvarado record sucks. I happen to believe that Del DIRECT CONTROL: ESCAPED, THE: (Hardcore Holocaust) Amitri wrote a few catchy songs; not Self-titled: 7” Rose City Hardcore: CD necessarily anything to write home Man, what I wouldn’t give to see these Thuggish hardcore with the subtlety of a DEMONS, THE: about, but catchy. This band apparently guys on a double bill with Out Cold. slab of concrete falling fifteen stories. Demonology: CD worshipped at the Altar of the Balls-on hardcore here with lyrics touch- Sorry, but I prefer my ‘core to be just a Stockholm rock’n’roll band that has Glaswegians. It’s so utterly generic that ing upon familiar subjects: corrupt politi- smidge wittier. –Jimmy Alvarado compiled a bunch of songs that apparent- both the tray card and liner notes are cians, drug abuse (the smokin’ (www.blackoutrecords.com) ly weren’t available before. There are a white with little adornment; during the “Hardcore for Heroin”) and life in a shit- few rockin’ songs on here, but what interminable solos, I kept expecting to ty town. The next time someone asks me EXPLOITED, THE: stood out are some annoyingly repetitive hear someone sincerely say, “Dude, why I insist on subjecting myself to bad Horror Epics: CD choruses with very cheesy lyrics. For sweet licks!” This might well play in music month after month, I’m gonna pop This album marks the point when Wattie example, “Demons gonna punch you Peoria to office workers who still want to this on the turntable to illustrate how and I parted ways, he going on to be out,” “You’re just a fucking asshole,” feel cool and support live music and bar sweet it is when a really good record exploited by New York metal labels, and and “Kiss me where the sun don’t shine,” bands even though the last record they comes along, ‘cause although it may not I to my next band of choice. There’s still repeated over and over. The whole CD bought was by Michelle Branch. My ears be wholly original in concept, this one is quite a bit of the old fire to be found on isn’t like this, but it’s enough to bug me. must be fucking bleeding by now. nonetheless a stunner. –Jimmy Alvarado this album, with the anti- To top it off, they do a terrible cover of –Puckett (Toucan Cove) (Kangaroo) authoritarian/anti-war slant to the lyrics the Misfits “She.” This is one of those and hardcore overdrive still intact, and CDs you just rip the good songs off of DINAH CANCER DIRTY FINGERS, THE: Rock the vast majority of the songs are mighty and sell back for something better. –Toby AND THE GRAVEROBBERS: & Roll Ain’t Easy b/w Still swell, but something felt like they were (Gearhead) Self-titled: CDEP Want It & Wake Up Dead: 7 on the cusp of change, and listening to Yep, it’s that Dinah Cancer, all right, and If Rock & Roll is a tattoo parlor (wait! this nearly twenty years after my first lis- DEREK LYN PLASTIC: she’s giving 45 Grave fans far and wide Am i saying that there is a chance that ten, I still get that feeling. It’s there, Invisible Skin: 7” a second chance to get their respective it’s not??), the Dirty Fingers are flash. buried somewhere in the electronic- Todd has a conversation with himself. undead jollies with this latest band of Hey, at least they’re workin’! BEST sounding drums. They were losing focus T1: It’s one-man new wave band? hers. Included on this four-song disc are SONG: “Wake Up Dead” BEST SONG and, after listening recently to their most T2: Yes. It says it was written, per- 2004 remakes of “Dream Hits,” “Evil,” recent effort, it seems that Wattie has, in FEELERS, THE: from Dick Army started this band, and seen people who, instead of just flailing the ensuing years, chosen to tilt at vague Fuhrer’s New Miniskirt b/w to say that I was looking forward to it in frustration, just clench their teeth and windmills rather than resort to pointed Special/Next Boy: 7” would be a huge understatement. It hold it all back? You can see their eyes attacks at those in power as he did in Great, raw 1980-style lo-fi punk that lived up to my expectations. Where bulging and their blood boiling just days of yore. Damn shame, ‘cause when makes me think of the Zero Boys, but Dick Army mostly played simple, slop- beneath the surface, steam coming out they were at the top of their game, as that’s probably because the Feelers are py three-chord punk, Four Deadly of their ears just like in the cartoons. evidenced here on thrashers like from Ohio, and I haven’t heard the Zero Questions sound a lot more original and What’s my point? This is what drives “Maggie” and “Don’t Forget the Boys in a really long time. –Cuss Baxter hard-to-pin-down. It’s still fun and Fucked Up’s music. It’s not particularly Chaos,” and on the title tack, an inter- (Death by Noise) scrappy, to be sure, and it’s not like they fast or “fuck the system”-y, but what esting foray into the world of post-punk, turned into Hawkwind or anything, but they lack in speed and stereotypical few could touch ‘em. With so much of FICTION, THE/ the choppy rhythms and female backups punk rhetoric, they more than make up the current generation of parrot punks BIRTHDAY BOYS: Split 7” make this stand out a whole lot. Me for in seething anger. It seems to pour mired in style, a misguided glorification The Fiction: This is emotional hardcore likey. –Josh (Geykido Comet) out of them like sweat. Reference points of poverty and bland, safe and pointless without emotion. Oh wait, is screaming are meaningless; they play the music sloganeering, one of their heroes illus- an emotion? Birthday Boys: It’s a song FOUR: Discography: CD that I’ve always wanted punk rock trating how to use their moment on about Michael Jordan. C’mon now, Pop punk as it was done back in the day. bands to play without actually realizing stage to lob bombs at the power struc- what year is this? You know what is a Every song sounds like a cranked-up that I wanted punk rock bands to sound ture instead of wasting it on singing good basketball song? That Red Hot cover of a particularly snotty Grimple or like this, if that makes any sense. And I odes to beer and screaming “fuck you” Chili Pepper’s song off of Uplift Mofo Screeching Weasel song; as I listen to don’t mean to slight Haymaker. They’re would be essential. Sadly, it looks like it Party Plan. And no, I’m not kidding. them, all I really hear is Ben Weasel really good, more of a thrash band than ain’t gonna come from the current incar- You know the one. “LA Lakers/fast screaming. This takes me back to the Fucked Up, but I’d be lying if I said I nation of this band. –Jimmy Alvarado break makers/kings on the early 1990s, cops shutting down house was going to listen to them as much as (Captain Oi) court/shake’n’bake all takers.” –Megan parties, bar shows that only lasted until Fucked Up. –Josh (Deep Six) (McCarthyism) the bar owner started screaming at the EXTINCTION OF MANKIND: band to get out… in 1991, this probably GAMITS, THE: Antidote: CD The Nightmare Seconds...: LP FIRESTARTER: would have been on Allied and I would This wins the official Worst Album of I read that this is the second full-length Livin’ on the Heat: CD have been in love. As it is, it’s a nice the Reviewing Cycle award! Over-pro- from this band. I thought they had put Here’s the rumor and I think it’s true. reminder of cramming fifty people into duced, nasal vocals, sung like the way out more records since their first LP When Japan’s Teengenerate, arguably a show space built for twenty and then MTV punk bands sing, “poetic” lyrics because of all the patches I see on the one of the best trashy garage bands ever fitting a band into the room to play fif- like, “I’ll invite you all to my pity kids. I think the first LP was Baptised in to grace our planet, finished Get Action! teen songs in ten minutes. Sometimes, party/I’m the host tonight/ Serving up Shit that Skuld out of Germany put out. for Crypt in ‘94, it was too clean, too nostalgia ain’t so bad. –Puckett my pride.” For real! Luckily, I had my I have that record and I believe it came poppy. They were told to re-record it in (Paco Garden) friend and music critic extraordinaire out in 1995 or 1996. That is an eight or its all lo-fi, scratchy sock, ripped jean, Nate Paisano helping me out with nine year gap between full lengths. tight shirt deviant glory. Years passed. FREEZE, THE: Freak reviews this time, or I would have either Hiatus? Break-up? Looking at the line- Members splintered off, then got back Show/Crawling Blind: CD killed myself or OD’ed on Lucky ups of the two records, the only remain- together. This time, they kept the initial A reissue of two later albums by the best Charms in a panic of confusion and ear ing members are Ste on vocals and recording direction. Melodies and har- Boston hardcore band ever. While most death! I heard these guys threatened Ginny on bass. I haven’t listened to pre- monies reign supreme. Livin’ on the of their contemporaries were slowing legal action against another Gamits vious record in sometime. The new Heat is a genuinely stellar power pop down to play bad bar rock complete from Madison, Wisconsin. Interesting, record is absolutely incredible. I don’t album of the highest magnitude. This with hair-shaking guitar solos (SSD, because I think Grant Hart could go know if they have reformed, but they proves two things. These dudes are no Gang Green, Jerry’s Kids, DYS), the after ‘em for stealing the “Pink Turns to sound like they have continued to write one-trick ponies and they’re in it for the Freeze kept plugging away with albums Blue” riff on one of their tunes. In fact, and get stronger. It’s only fitting that this right reasons. Why start all over again full of paranoia and frustration. I’m not given the circumstances, I would band does a cover of “Arise” by with a new name when the fanbase is saying they were devoid of metal; the encourage it! If this were a cereal, it’d Amebix. A mighty damn good one to there? Because the music itself is impor- guitars were always very prevalent, be Lucky Charms with no marshmal- boot. It’s crust that is heavy on the tant. Good is good, no matter what the more so than most other bands of that lows. –Maddy (Suburban Home) metallic guitars and is a natural progres- style. Fifi, Fink, Sammy, and Jimbo’ve era. By the time they recorded these two sion of what Amebix started—music gotta protect the rock, you know what I albums, the solos had become longer GAMMITS MW, THE / that is dark and has the power of a bull- mean? Don’t let the kindergarten hymn and more technical, but this stuff will MEMBERS OF THE YELLOW dozer. This record should become one book-looking cover, the dubious name never be confused with ass like How We PRESS: Teetering on the Edge that many will refer to as a classic in the of the band, or the fifteen dollars you’ll Rock or Older… Bud-Weiser, or even a of Destruction: Split CD future. –Donofthedead have to spend since it’s currently only band like Propagandhi. If you’ve never Apparently, it’s important to note that (Profane Existence) available on import sway you. Think of heard them, imagine a more intense, this band has a similar name (with a all the time it’s going to be spinning in drug-addled Adolescents. –Josh slightly different spelling) as another FAGHAGS, THE: your player. Brilliance for pennies on (Dr. Strange) band in Colorado. I can only hope the Self-titled: CDEP the dollar. Definitely in my top twenty band from Denver isn’t this boring and I’m sure these fine So. Cal. folks were for the year. It may even rise higher. It’s FROM ASHES RISE: generic. These songs are simply punk by doing dog wheelies inside that big one of those albums that reveals itself Nightmares: LP numbers, possessing all the creativity, Mickey Mouse head-shaped flowerbed slowly. –Todd (Mangrove, in the US, In no small way, Nightmares reminds vitality and insight of the second Lars at Di$neyland before giving the finger get it via Nice and Neat) me of a condensed version of Through Frederiksen album, but played at half to their Anaheim home and shoving off Silver in Blood by Neurosis. Both the speed. Sure, there’s a sort of bur- to Long Beach, God bless ‘em. Creepy, FLAKES, THE: albums have the same apocalyptic geoning political consciousness here, sleazy, stumbling rockin’ and rollin’ Straight Jacket: 7” worldview, the same kind of epic heavi- but it’s rudimentary, consisting of little spinning ‘round on this EP, the same Out of Sweden, Cheap Trick in one ness, and the same complex landscapes more than run-of-the-mill kvetching way that first Humpers LP, My Machine hand, Elvis Costello in the other, The of sound. But where Neurosis just kind about TV and the ubiquitous “they” made you feel, but with more of a Darby Flakes play guitar-driven power pop of plods along, pausing for bong hits lying to the people and resisting the Crash kick in the pants. From what I’m with an organ. It’s a no brainer to enjoy along the way, From Ashes Rise is con- media’s indoctrination and shit (but it’s gathering, the Faghags seem to be a because it’s pulled off with natural stantly on the attack, occasionally a significant dumbing down of an over- side-gig for members of Lisafer, finesse, warm ease, and true-aim hooks. relenting, but always menacing. This ly simplified summary of an overview Throttle, Whiskey Dick, and the To place them amongst their contempo- whole album sounds like the world is offered in passing of Ben Bagdikian’s Lipstick Pickups. That said, if you’re raries, they also have a ton in common ending right outside your window, Media Monopoly). While I wouldn’t moving your ass to go see these bands, with another Swedish band, Psychotic mushroom clouds blooming, shock presume to assign an ideology to this, it you need to get that ass moving some Youth, where the melodies almost sound waves leveling everything around you. offers about the same level of analysis more and go buy the ‘Hags a round at telepathic and bubble over with oodles From Ashes Rise has the ability to make as your average Fox News commenta- their next show. Better yet, make it a of enthusiasm. It’s something I imagine music that is simultaneously awe-inspir- tor. Members Of The Yellow Press are double. –Designated Dale Rodney Bingenheimer losing his shit ingly beautiful, uncompromising, and different in that they seem to take their (Booking/Info: (714) 222-9240) over in the early ‘80s that would stand knife-at-your-throat dangerous, a rare cues from post-punk, screamo and spas- the test of time today. I’d place this right thing indeed. –Josh (Havoc/Jade Tree) tic instrumentals. That doesn’t mean FALLOUT, THE: Turning at peak top of this hard-to-conquer that they’re any more interesting. Revolution into Money: CD genre. –Todd (Evergreen Terrace) FUCKED UP/ HAYMAKER: –Puckett (Big Action) This band has the speed and energy of Split 7” good ‘80s punk. They do have a hint of FOUR DEADLY QUESTIONS: People deal with anger differently. Most GARMONBOZIA: oi to them but I don’t think they can be Self-titled: 7” people will let loose at the drop of a hat, Self-titled: LP classified as such. The oi shows up in I can’t say enough good things about and whether it’s because they’re stuck in This is, hands down, the most interest- just the right spots, keeping the energy Dick Army. Yeah, maybe they were just traffic or because their toast is burnt, it ing release I have to review for this going and making me want to jump a cheap, goofy Black Flag knockoff, but rings kind of hollow. If they’re yelling issue. The main instrument of focus here around my apartment like the dork I am. damnit, they had that underdog charm about something meaningless, they is not the guitar but the cello. That does Check ‘em out. Very cool. –Toby and you’ve just gotta love that. Matt probably get pissed off about all kinds not fit into the norm of what is consid- (Longshot) of meaningless crap. But have you ever ered punk these days. All the basic instruments are represented here: gui- cunnilingus in return for fellatio”]) to has a really small mouth. –Rev. Nørb ten that twenty years have flown by and tars, bass and drums. But the cello is Troggs-pound (“When I Grow Up [I (The Genders; ) this style of metal is not popular any- pulled a hair above the rest of the mix. wanna be a fuckin’ stoner]”) to what the more. But for this old geezer, it’s This creates a unique sound that fits in Goo Goo Dolls used to sound like when GREAT REDNECK HOPE, refreshing to hear this. I admit that I bit well due to the bass-heavy tone of the they were actually good (“Scream”) to THE: Behold on the crossover bug back in the day and instrument. Add a haunting female very drunken Tommy James & the the Fuck Thunder: CD I ate this shit up. This reminds me of vocal that screams with a piercing Shondells (“Sharlene”) to Israeli One of the best album titles in a long metal bands from back in the day like shriek to yells of rage. Backing the Figgsism (“We Awright”) to flat-out- time. I’ve been seeing ads for this every- Possessed, Metal Church or Celtic vocals is another female vocalist whose tell-it-like-it-is-Jack-ism (“[They where. I thought it would be rock’n’roll. Frost. Speed metal played in the tradi- voice interplays with the horror of it all. Wouldn’t Let Ya In the] KKK”), all with I was wrong. Arty screamo with some tional sense. –Donofthedead (Beer City) The slow, moody music that appears to a certain amount of both mastery and pretty technical metal parts, kind of in be enchanting can turn in a second, irreverence, but, to my forward-thinking the vein of Dillinger Escape Plan. HELLSTOMPER: The Real going full force with d-beat rage with mind, the best thing about this EP is that –Megan (Thinker Thought) Hillbilly Motherfucker: CD crust overtones. The cellist does not you can not only download it for free off Dixie-fried rock/punk centered on cock back down when things rage forth. She the band’s website, but you can also GUTTERMOUTH: fightin’, whiskey drinkin’, barroom kicks it into high gear with the rest of download the minimal cover art, which Eat Your Face: CD fightin’ and, of course, drinkin’. Can’t the band. Reminded me heavily of what can be faithfully reproduced on a simple Welcome back Guttermouth! After an say these guys were the best thing I’ve is being played by the Norwegian black hunk of pink copy paper—WHICH identity crisis, they are back to the band heard all week or anything, but they did metal bands. –Donofthedead MEANS, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, I remember listening to and not being have their merits, primarily the fact that (Profane Existence) that you know how in various science able to put down in the early ‘90s. Fast, they aren’t above not taking themselves fictional tales, the advanced futuristic snotty, smart-assed and goofy as hell. too seriously. –Jimmy Alvarado GBH: Cruel & Unusual: CD and/or alien society which the generally This is such an improvement and such a (Steel Cage) Goddamn, how many times are they backwards protagonist finds himself relief from the direction they were head- gonna keep releasing “Punk Rock thrust into shocking contact with almost ing. Guess they got their fill of teenaged HORRIBLE ODDS, THE: Ambulance” on assorted discs until they always has some sort of “matter synthe- girls riding the coattails of insipid Blink Underground: LP realize it just ain’t meant to be a hit? A sizer” where they can program their 182 style bands. Statutory rape litigation You’ve got three of the Jack Palance reissue with six pedestrian songs record- 30th Century Microwave or whatever to is no fun to go through, is it? There are Band with Iggy Scam on drums for a ed between 1987 and 2000, including a output any manner of food or drink or just a couple of mediocre songs, but this flash-in-the-pan Chattanooga band from pointless cover of the Rezillos’ “No,” consumer good possible? DIG IT, is just about as solid as any Guttermouth 2002 that sounds like anything but. are put together with live versions of BROTHERS: THE FUTURE IS album from the early ‘90s. There are Tightly wound, desperate yet hopeful. four of their classic tunes to illustrate on NOW! Using your “matter synthesizer,” some songs that very well could be Unmarked graves next to feelings of one disc how good their songs once you can now, AMAZINGLY, replicate placed on their first album and fit right invincibility. Estranged but warm. were and how utterly uninteresting The Genders EP from half a world in. Very nice turn around indeed. Thanks Looking at rivers of piss, yet still throw- they’ve become. –Jimmy Alvarado away, in the privacy of your own home! Guttermouth. –Toby (Epitaph) ing coins in and making a wish. Eric (Idol) No salesman will call! Unfortunately, i Nelson sounds like a drill sergeant and can no longer sustain this review as i am HATEWORK: the entire band sounds like they’re oper- GENDERS, THE: hard at work attempting to calibrate my Thrash n’ Roll: CD ating eight limbs from the exact same Self-titled: CDEP “matter synthesizer” to ready a Korean Dude! It’s time to bust out your long brain. They’ve got that almost untrace- ...this may be my favorite thing i got to all-girl high school field hockey team hair wig, squeeze your fat ass into those able, magical quality that attaches bands review this month (which ain’t saying for home delivery. Tel Aviva Las Vegas! super-tight, pegged black jeans, polish like the Bananas, The Riverboat much, lemme tell ya). The Genders BEST SONG: “Scream” BEST SONG the bullet belt and grow out your mus- Gamblers, The Tim Version, and lunge and dart thru everything from Tel TITLE: “We Awright” FANTASTIC tache. It’s 1985 again and it’s time to Tiltwheel to some unseen, unknown Aviv Cock Rock (“Horatio” [“hey AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Whoever bang your head for some thrashin’. wellspring. No, those bands sound noth- mama, my name is Horatio / I perform put the lipstick kissy-mark on my copy These Italian metal dudes have forgot- ing alike, but if you like one, the odds are that you’ll like the others. It’s the IMPULSE MANSLAUGHTER: spirit’s what I’m talking about. Basement Live at WFMU: CD and back yard shows. Duct tape and Can’t say that I remember much from cheap beer economics rarely sounds this this band in the past. Here is what I can great. A DIY punk checkmate. –Todd pick out of this peanut-sized brain of (Onion Flavored) mine. I remember them being a mid-’80s crossover band. Didn’t buy anything HOT DAMN!: specifically by this band and I think they The Girl Can’t Help It: CD had stuff pressed by Nuclear Blast in Female sleaze-punk, fast, lean, and Germany. I remember them on the obsessed with sex. I can think of worse Complete Death II comp., but I haven’t ways to view the world. Unfortunate listened to that record in over fifteen cover of “The Girl Can’t Help It,” years. That is about it. Well, Mike from though. –Jimmy Alvarado (Steel Cage) Beer City was obviously a fan since he compiled tracks from a live radio show, HUNCHES, THE: LPs, EPs, a split and a comp. That’s love Hobo Sunrise: CD right there. Another release that is not Well, it’s certainly loud enough. And it’s only an economical way of getting this certainly fucked up enough. But that band’s music but is an easy way to get a which a record must be enough of taste before you start collecting the actu- besides loud enough and fucked up al releases. This reminds me that I still enough it is not enough of. I mean, if i haven’t bought a copy of DRI’s Dealing can throw out a couple of probably With It that Beer City re-released. weird-seeming examples here, when –Donofthedead (Beer City) bands like the Jesus & Mary Chain or Guided By Voices—WHO, ADMIT- ISKRA: Self-titled: LP TEDLY, THE HUNCHES SOUND If screaming is what you want, this NOTHING LIKE—were really on their puppy is your dream come true. An shit, they could throw as much chaos extreme black metal experience that (“bullshit,” if you like) on top of their veers into the grindcore and powervio- songs as modern science would allow, lence realms, all done with intricate gui- and, even the first time you listened to tar playing that is heavy on the riffing said song, BAM, there it was. The songs and squeezes enough notes in one song were strong and direct and immediately that equals the note count on ten regular RIGHT THERE. It didn’t matter how punk songs. The vocals are carried out by many tables and chairs were hurtling what I assume are the main singer and through the air—metaphorically or liter- the person doing back ups. Man, do these ally—when you heard ‘em, they struck boys scream. They scream so hard, I am you as clearly and plainly as anything off getting a sore throat. Too bad the vocals the Ramones first album or anything overplay the lyrics and thank whoever Chuck Berry ever did; no small feat you pray to that there is a lyric sheet. The given the levels of art-poof-flip-out-ery lyrics are thought provoking, intelligent, in play. The Hunches? I dunno... a man and backed up with additional informa- with Marky Ramone hair encased in a tion to prove their point. Not easy on the suit composed of 212 mostly unused ears but it does connect to the emotion of maxi-pads just mentally increased his rage. –Donofthedead specific gravity to the point where he (Profane Existence) made the roof cave in? Okay, great. Now whadda we do? Amuse ourselves by JERK APPEAL: 36 Cents playing in the rubble? I don’t hear any b/w New City & songs here. I hear people giving titles to I Don’t Think So: 7” things they came up with in practice. The Fair-to-middlin’ early effort by a record sounds nominally amazing for the Montreal band that might wax, wane, first few numbers, but by about track #4, mutate or destruct utterly prior to emit- it is blatantly obvious that this is a band ting a full-length. The toolbox of the who cannot quite make up their minds as Dropkick Murphys and/or Rancid is, to whether they want to blow things up apparently, open and available to them— or just get high; to me, this makes them which is fine—however, in numerous less conceptually pure than Pinky & The spots on this 45, it seemed to me as if the Brain (who, of course, ALWAYS knew band were manufacturing their would-be what they were going to do today), there- bombastic street anthems out of more or fore unworthy of my endorsement. So be less nothing but non-load-bearing struc- it. BEST SONG: “Compression” BEST tural elements. Like, you know, where’s SONG TITLE: “Droning Fades On” the fucking BEEF, jack? Everything can FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA be rocking along mightily one second, FACT: Despite the album title, the pack- and, the next, one gets the distinct aging’s typography is mainly in the Gill impression that nothing dwells beneath Sans font, not the hated Hobo. the surface of these songs—like a well- –Rev. Nørb (In the Red) crafted piñata that somehow didn’t get packed with anywhere near as many I WALK THE LINE: SweeTarts™ as would be right and just. I Badlands: CD mean, they have the outer form of the A band with a Johnny Cash name and a music they wish to play down cold (dig Bruce Springsteen album title. Cool! those air-raid-siren Clash guitars on “36 Unfortunately, record-critic-at-large Cents”), but, in other spots, the singer Nate correctly deduced it when he said howls “IIIIII DAUUUUNNNNN’T that this band’s song structure goes as THAAAANNNNNKK follows: Start with a clear, good intro, SOOOOOOO!!!” in his dorky fake then pause, and start a new, boring song. British accent (which, BTW, i have no Seriously! This also could best be problem with) like sixty-four (or some- described as a poppier Murder City thing) times in a row, like he REALLY Devils, and I think they are from Finland. thinks he just invented either a.) a cure Facts! But in the end, all that matters is for cancer, or b.) the best Rock Hook what kind of cereal it is, and it’s definite- since “NOooooo FUUUUU-CHAH! ly Mueslix. Heavy, complicated, with NOoooo FUUUU-CHAH! NOooooo promise, but when you get right down to FUUU-CHAH FO’ YOUUUUUU!!!” ... it, there’s only so much of it you can take it’s like, dude, get over yourself—”I before you want to eat something else! Don’t Think So” is NOT a rock master- Extended metaphors are go! –Maddy piece—so plan your assaults on Planet (Combat Rock/Boss Tuneage) Earth with this in mind. At this early Willis, the guitarist, and Gerrard (other- and Cristal can find a hook to save their Obvious. At its essence, M.O.T.O. has stage in their career, i am reserving wise known as “Wallaby, Wallaby lives. –Puckett (Hellcat) two basic modes. Ultra catchy, low-fi judgment on Jerk Appeal—the one X- Dingo”) of the Weird Lovemakers power pop and ultra catchy children’s Factor on their side being that this band joined up with Travis “the Archie LISAFER: songs for adults. Hooks as sneaky and contains an ex-member of the Radicts. Bunker of Punk Rock” Spillers of Los Version 10.0: CDEP barbed as the Jam’s. Stealth bomb The Radicts were one of those bands Federales, and Matt (“the secret brain” More pissed-off, snot-flinging punk melodies that rival the Beatles. I can’t that even i, as a guy who maybe kinda of the Resonars). The demo was so-so. I rock fun from L.A.’s favorite female say if Single File is as essential as the might occasionally slide into Music- craved the type of musical punishment power trio. And when I say pissed off, it Buzzcocks’ Singles Going Steady, but Snob-ism, could appreciate—i mean, and reward that the Weird Lovemakers don’t mean in the least that there’s not a it’s real fuckin’ close. Think of bubble you’d hear like the first ten seconds of a heaped high on my plate. Melodic whimsical element laying underneath it gum left on a hot sidewalk and your ear song and be like “oh, fuck, i listened to mania. Rough knuckled, oddly voiced all, you jaded fuck. Lookie here at the as the bottom of a shoe. It’s almost this music when i was sixteen, who dork rock that kicked ass over throw- lyrics from “Patty Loved Lucy”: “Linus impossible for these songs not to stick, needs it?”—but then you’d keep listen- back, cutout punk. Then out came the hung himself/Schroeder broke his no matter how hard to you try to rub ing and be like, “fuck, these guys know first Knockout Pills self-titled record. keys/Sally slit her wrists/And them off. This collection is the ultimate their shit, totally!” The Radicts were Through some magic of mastering or re- Woodstock fell from the tree/When they comp tape of M.O.T.O.’s widely scat- probably the best American band, ever recording, songs like “Reject Button” found out Patty loved Lucy… Snoopy tered bests from tapes, 7”s, imports, and (unless we’re counting like Rancid and leg swept me. I’d stare at the ceiling and went to the pound/A train ran over out-of-print gems over the past twenty the Dropkick Murphys), to be able to sing along in praise that the magical Marcy/Pig Pen drank some gas/And years. Even if haven’t heard one of these handle those sort of English street punk sand and grit of Tucson punk rock was they locked up Charlie Brown/When songs before popping this CD in, you’ll clichés and use ‘em and spit ‘em back once again on the ascension. With each they found out…” Because of this pneu- be singing “Crystallize My Penis” in the out as damn fine tunes—i mean, it was successive spin of that record, it became matic rib-tickler, you’d think Charles grocery store, or “I’m Infected” when just something they could do, perhaps apparent that I wasn’t dealing with a Schultz is probably spinning in his you’re holding up a bank, in no time. without even thinking about it. I hereby band with just a chop or two or a band grave, but his dusty corpse should be It’s not an anorexic collection, either, “suggest” that the guy from the Radicts with a couple of good songs in a cat box spinning for better reasons, like how and totals a beefy twenty-eight tracks. take over the band, and everybody else of turds. The whole record was chops Knott$ Berry Farm is rolling in a huge Essential listening. –Todd listen to what the fuck he says. Unless layered on top of one another, rhythms pile of money with all that Peanuts (Criminal I.Q.) there is some manner of French-English hidden in the cupboard, melodies in the merch they sell. Whatever, Chuck… just language barrier, in which case let the gutter, choruses flying from the heavens lighten the fuck up and get your rock on, MARKED MEN, THE: best Esperanton win! BEST SONG: “36 like Lawn Darts to right between my Lisafer style. This goes for all of you On the Outside: CD Cents” BEST SONG TITLE: “I Don’t eyes. I’d just have to sit and listen to that amongst the living, too. –Designated Does the world need another “I don’t Think So,” which is not that great of a album, and it never failed to drop anoth- Dale (www.lisafer.com) care” song? Are you fucking stupid? Of song title FANTASTIC AMAZING er veil. “Oh, la, la, what a voluptuous course it does! And if there was a single TRIVIA FACT: I already said it: That motherfucker of sound,” I said. Then LONG DONG SILVER/ sliver of doubt flickering through your one guy was in the Radicts. That’s all ya 1+1=Ate comes out. Take all of the FILTHY JIM: Split 7” so-called consciousness, the Marked get! –Rev. Nørb (Sonik’s Chicken “you’ve got to listen for ‘em” stealth If you like a more “YAY-UH!” version Men will remind you why. Dirtnap Shrimp; ) chops and, somehow, polish ‘em so of Led Zeppelin, you’ll prefer the Long delivers again in this rip-roaring record. they’re right there—luminescent gems Dong Silver side. If you’re more about –Jim Ruland (Dirtnap) JULIA SETS PRESENT: on first listen, yet deep and dazzling an “ah-EEEE-yaaaaa-AH!” (note: That An Alternative to Extinction: enough to warrant compulsive play- was “The Immigrant Song”) version of MARKED MEN, THE: CDEP ing—like you’re listening to something Led Zep, you’ll like Filthy Jim. Me? On the Outside: CD It looks like a CDEP until you look at that makes you feel musically richer. Well, if this record was a breakfast cere- Some people find God! Some people the running time—then it seems more They added more power. They added al, it’d be a bowl of diarrhea with some find Communism! Other people find the like an album (two songs go on for 37 more confidence, and what you’ve got of that new green Mountain Dew™ Marked Men! This album is so good minutes and 14 seconds). Drawing from is one of the unabashedly best records to poured over the top. Taste the rainbow! that it makes you fall to your knees and influences like Red House Painters (fit- come out of 2004 that won’t be toppled BEST SONG: That kind of “Rock & BELIEVE IN THE HEALING POWER ting, since Mark Kozelek was a from my top ten list. I don’t even want Roll” one BEST SONG TITLE: Geez, OF ROCK AND ROLL! I cannot possi- Midwesterner before he lived in the Bay compare them to other bands. I’ll just that’s a four-way tie for first between bly sound cheezy enough! I fucking Area) and shoegazers like Slowdive as say if you like what Razorcake covers as “Junkie Cinderella” “Spank My Ass” love this album! If another band wrote well as hints of mid-’80s college rock, a whole, trust me on this. –Todd (Estrus) “Tied to the Needle” and “Teenage even ONE of these songs, they could these five songs are actually quite a Witch.” I am frozen in the presence of retire, happy, to a life of reality-TV- pleasant surprise. Instead of being the LARS FREDERIKSEN AND such circuit-frying brilliance! FANTAS- watching and Cheetos consumption. useless emo shit that I typically get to THE BASTARDS: Viking: CD TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: When I saw them live in Minneapolis a review, this is an unexpected and well- If the promise displayed by Lars Somebody, somewhere, involved, few weeks ago, I was overcome! done throwback to a more innocent time Frederiksen’s first album was a surprise, knowingly or unknowingly, with this Overjoyed! Dancing like a fool and when indie bands merely hoped to get then this sophomore release is more record, has the license plate 498-54L. singing along at the top of my lungs! their single played on the local college shocking for all the wrong reasons. The Shun it. –Rev. Nørb (Scarey) How does it feel to be a genius? Ask the station and didn’t look much beyond first record, much like Rancid’s best Marked Men. The best band in the that. –Puckett (Julia Sets Present) work, demonstrated an acute under- LOVE ME DESTROYER: world right now! One of the best albums standing of the stresses that working Black Heart Affair: CD in the history of albums, including all JULIA SETS: Yes-Wave: CD second or third shift carry and making I’m going to invent a new genre with genres of music, from cavemen banging It’s music like this that makes me wish do as a struggling punk. And then this this review: “punk noir,” or would “noir on drums to Woody Guthrie to the everyone received an inner-city educa- hit. I barely know what to say. We can punk” be better? Stylish, moderately Ramones! I almost never say this, but I tion. That way no one would be able to begin with the liner notes, because the melodic, straight-ahead, three-chord think this might be BETTER THAN attend college and develop embarrass- censored pictures of semi-attractive punk songs about widows crawling out LUCKY CHARMS! There is no cereal ing levels of pretentiousness and they’d women are the best part of this release. of the bottle and switchblades and infi- good enough to describe this! all be full of angst ‘n’ shit and their It’s true that a picture says a thousand delity and domestic violence. If Phillip Ahhhh!!!!!!! –Maddy (Dirtnap) songs would have balls instead of whin- words and the generic images of women Marlowe hooked up with Social ing along in arty abandon. –Jimmy affecting lustful expressions pretty Distortion and did songs written by MARKED MEN: Alvarado (www.juliasets.com) much say it all. This is half-assed punk Billy Joe from Green Day, this is what it On the Outside: CD by numbers with few melodies, few would sound like. Not bad at all. –Brian The tempos are a tad less frenetic than KARST: hooks and little insight. It’s all about Mosher (Suburban Home) their previous release, but they’re still Vision of Insane Hope: CD posturing—Lars doesn’t go anywhere mining some monster fucking hooks, Cookie monster metal with some pretty without his switchblade. He’s a tough LOVE SONGS: and I hear more than a tinge of Dickies good lyrics and a surprisingly effective streetwise punk. He’s had threesomes All Branches, No Trunk: CD influence this time around. They remain gloomy moodiness. More impressed in… well, pretty much every city he can Don’t let the name fool you, unless your one of the best punk bands that aren’t with ‘em than I thought I would be, seem to think of. He’s had sex with idea of a love song is an ode to shaving museum pieces. –Jimmy Alvarado which I imagine is tantamount to a hookers. So what? What, in the end, your balls. Various Bay Area punk rock (Dirtnap) grudging recommendation. –Jimmy does all this boasting and bragging sig- miscreants, including that one guy from Alvarado (Hater of God) nify? How does this relate in any way to Your Mother, join forces here for a MENTALLY ILL: anything which provides any sort of goofy, fun album that sounds like punk Gacy’s Place: CD KNOCKOUT PILLS: insight into the human condition, the rock without falling into a predeter- Late night L.A. radio show, some 1 + 1= Ate: CD loneliness and sorrow that most punks mined musical niche. It’s a lot like Toys Saturday circa 1982. Through the mist The first time I heard the Knockout are all too intimately familiar with and That Kill, but less skewed and with lots comes this completely insane individual Pills—an unreleased pre-mastered ver- which Frederiksen captured on his of little guitar parts that make me think screaming “Don’t leave me here to sion—I was kinda doubtful. See, I love, debut? The short answer is that it does- that somebody in the band is really into DIE!/Don’t leave me here to DIIIEE!” love, loved the Weird Lovemakers and n’t relate at all, that it signifies fuck all Iron Maiden. I love the artwork, too. over what sounds like some other nutjob when they split up, the lead singer and and that this has more in common with Good stuff. –Josh (New Disorder) bashing cardboard boxes to the rhythm one of the main song writers went to dif- a bling-bling era hip hop record than it of some sort of static pattern. Naturally, ferent corners (a bookstore and SF, to be does with punk… except that most rap- M.O.T.O.: Single File: CD I’m intrigued, and thankfully, I’m exact.) Jason “Part of the Problem” pers talking about their money, bitches, Oh, the magical salve of Masters of the recording the whole thing. Over the course of the next two weeks, I play this for everyone, but it is a fun listen and I NAILED DOWN: There’ve been no patches or t-shirts to track over and over again, eventually bet their live shows rip. –Jimmy Resurrection: CD really keep their name going after all coming to the conclusion that a) the Alvarado (M80) Obnoxious hardcore/grind from a band these years. So it looks like they are boxes were drums, b) what I thought was that’s been around for a while. The songs banging it out for the true love of play- static was actually the guitar, c) these MOTHER’S ANGER, THE: have enough twists and turns in ‘em to ing. The first thing I noticed was that guys are outta their fucking minds, d) Self-titled: CD keep things interesting, and no doubt they have progressed musically from these guys are the best thing I’ve ever Funny what a decade can change. This some of the lyrics will piss off a few peo- their first 7”. The sound I hear is a mix- heard in my short life. Of course, I sum- sounds a lot like Bleach to Nevermind- ple, as they should. –Jimmy Alvarado ture of Goober Patrol mixed with marily lose the tape and forget the band’s era Nirvana (especially the voice), and it (First Blood Family) Consumed on the UK side, and I hear a name before I can find anything on vinyl. sounds good. Perhaps it has to do with it Pegboy meets Hüsker Dü meets modern That song, however, managed to perma- being a two-piece from Israel. Perhaps it NEINS, THE: Self-titled: 7” day Hot Water Music, if you need a ref- nently etch itself into my brain. Fast for- has to do with grunge, over-saturating The Ventures-styled Mosrite guitar that erence using bands from the states. ward six years, wherein I randomly pick the airwaves, exploding like a Zeppelin the Visible Woman is holding on the Lyrically, they have not strayed from out some compilation called Killed By filled with mustard gas, and becoming cover is a tip off here. Simple, good- the issue-related lyrics of the past, yet Death at some record store because it has such a dirty word in a relatively short timey, ‘50s-influenced garage rock with have further progressed them with more the Cheifs’ “Blues” on it and I love that amount of time that most bands still friendly guitars and perky organs and thought and introspect. The old guys song. The song that follows it, “Gacy’s won’t attempt it because it still has a golldarnitall if it doesn’t make me want can still bang out a tune. No sooner are Place,” comes on and I find myself touch of the plague. So, it feels like to play beach blanket bingo. This you ready to throw a CD into the bag jumping up and down in absolute glee as they’re doing it for the right reasons. record’s not going to make me sell my that you take to the record store for the aforementioned completely insane Making good music. Mother’s Anger Dick Dale and His Deltones records, but trade, you find that needle in the individual is again bellowing at me, also has bits of the more roaming I like it. My only gripe is that, at two haystack. –Donofthedead (No Idea) warning me that “they’re fucking your Mudhoney, the less experimental Kent 3, songs, it’s too short. –Aphid Peewit kids!” Not having any kids, I take his and a bunch of “you’re older, grow out (www.theneins.com) NORTH LINCOLN: concern for my progeny with a grain of of punk” music that I’d don’t know too Self-titled: CDEP salt, yet remain stoked that I finally have much about but recognize from my more NERDS, THE: A Black Star This isn’t a slight to Hot Water Music, something by this elusive band to call my genteel friends who play it when I’m at Burning Trails to Nowhere: CD but I really miss their early to mid-peri- own. Fast forward another sixteen years, their houses. For something I’m not pre- Here’s punk and roll with some od work. Hummable anthems, com- and I find myself with a copy of a new disposed to liking, this isn’t bad at all. Motorhead worship via Italy that not plex-to-play, easy-to-listen-to, gruffly CD with twenty—count ‘em—twenty It’s a good middle ground between punk only sounds good but kicks some ass. delivered, emotionally involved, honest tracks from one of the greatest, most and indie. –Todd (Dionysus) Loud, obnoxious, and most likely a punk. And although it may seem like a deranged, PUNKEST goddamn bands drunken mess when they get together. slight to North Lincoln to mention I’ve ever heard in my now not-as-short- MUGGERS, THE: This band has parts of Antiseen and another band in the first two sentences as-it-used-to-be life. In some Self-titled: CD Electric Frankenstein meets GG Allin. of a review of their CD, it’s not. I’m Mansonesque twist of fate, I see the par- Ten study-at-home lessons right out of Scum rockers take note of this bastard flat-out enjoying the flag they’re flying. allels between the band and my own the Punk Rock 101 curriculum. The offspring out of Italy. –Donofthedead It sounds less a contrivance or mimicry life—a) they: a tune called “Doggie Muggers play sneery, energetic ‘77 style (Scarey) of HWM and more of an exploration of Sex,” me: writer of a song called “A Boy ham-and-egger punk with vocals that musical ground that hasn’t been fully and His Dog;” which roughly covered bend nicely out of tune in spots. The NEW TOWN ANIMALS: exploited. Kicking over new rocks. the same subject matter, b) they: a song emphasis here seems to be more on hav- Cori Street b/w Spin So Fast: 7” Seeing new life squirming in near-dark- called “Tumor Boy,” me: my last band ing fun than trying to be dangerous. Since new wave and punk rock have ness in the details. And they aren’t just was the Tumors; c) they: a song called They sound a little bit like Green Day been stitched so closely together to won- kicking around dying embers. They’ve “Dry Heave,” me: anyone who knows of before they became MTV darlings. derful results in the past several years, got a bonfire raging with undeniably my former love of malt beverages can Probably a lot of fun live. –Aphid the banner has been effectively raised to catchy, rough power all fueled by rock- spell out the correlation on this one—and Peewit (Radio) new heights and keeps fluttering in the solid songwriting. They even lay waste realize that they have been trying to send wind by greats like the Epoxies, the to Fifteen’s “Notion.” And I actively me a message for quite some time, but MY DAD IS A DINOSAUR: Briefs, The Spits, and The Minds. dislike Fifteen. Recommended. –Todd due to some cruel twist of fate, I haven’t Self-titled: CD You’ve gotta have chops, more hooks (North Lincoln/Salinas) been able to receive it. I plop it on the I knew that I should’ve avoided this at than what’s hanging in a slaughterhouse, stereo, not coincidentally in the middle all costs when I saw that it involved two and impeccable songwriting to stay on NSA: of the night on some Saturday circa people and a harmonica, but nooooo, I the playing field. This 7” delivers. It’s a The Captain Future: CDEP 2004, fast forward it to track number had to go and be mister nosy. –Jimmy dramatic splicing of the Forgotten Rebels Bad college bar band rock best left to five, “Padded Cell,” and the insane indi- Alvarado (Prison Jazz) meet all-songs-on-the-Vapors-first-LP- the sad sacks who cheer ‘em on vidual is screaming, “Don’t leave me except-“Turning Japanese” meets the between swigs of Newkie. –Jimmy here to DIE!/Don’t leave me here to DII- MY SO-CALLED BAND: Get the Knack. Bouncy, elastic spasms of Alvarado (www.the-nsa.com) IEE!” at me again, just like he did twen- Weapons of good time, no-brain Canadian fun. And ty-two years ago. I kneel down, pick up Mass Distortion: CD they’ve been doing it since 1998. –Todd OATH, DAS: Self-titled: CD one of the speakers blaring away on the If the Chris Peigler who plays bass in (Longshot) For the uninitiated, the Oath play wild, floor, caress it and softly tell him no, I this band is the same Chris Peigler fast, unhinged hardcore with a little won’t ever leave him again. –Jimmy whose been preaching reason to MRR NICK CAVE: post-punk noise-mongering thrown in Alvarado (Alternative Tentacles) editors about the whole Rich Mackin Abbatoir Blues: 2x CD for good measure, meaning that a good saga, then, Chris Peigler of My So- Gone is the deranged growl of a man aural scrubbing can be expected from MIDNITE SNAKE: Called Band, I salute you! MRR-letters- with blood on his hands and the dead the moment you press “play.” Fans of Self-titled: CD to-the-editor-based-compliments aside, I body of an ex-lover in the trunk of his the band can rest assured, this is every- Hey ma, bring me some more drugs! couldn’t get into this. Power chords, car. My guess is that he found religion thing you were hoping for, and then Seriously stoned instrumental fuzz with standard punk rock thing, with not that and invested in some throat lozenges, some. –Jimmy Alvarado (Dim Mak) so many noodles... I was gonna say if great political lyrics about Rachel Corrie two things that definitely didn’t need to you sold your first pressing of Vincebus (an activist who died in Palestine), the happen to Nick Cave. It’s not really a bad OKMONIKS, THE: Eruptum and spent all the money on Patriot Act, and even my favorite kind of listen, and it has a few curveballs here Compact 33: 7” ramen, cooked it all, and dumped it on war—class war! I really wanted to like and there, but it’s just waaaaay too The Okmoniks are a female fronted yourself from the roof, it’d be like that, this, but, unfortunately, it’s just Oh’s. I restrained coming from the man behind garage rock band that I can honestly say but then I looked on eBay and apparent- like honey-based crunchy stuff. I like records like Prayers on Fire and Your four things about: 1) they’re the only ly you can barely get ten bucks for a mint Honey Nut Cheerios. In theory, it sounds Funeral… My Trial. –Josh (Mute) Sonics-sounding band that I can listen one, so my analogy’s all shot to fuck. so good, but then, you eat it. –Maddy to without getting impatient and just Anyway, eight songs, forty-six minutes, (SW Records) NO CHOICE: putting on a Sonics record; 2) it is phys- Pittsburgh, gong. –Cuss Baxter Dry River Fishing: CD ically impossible to listen to this seven (Birdman) MYSTERY GIRLS: When you first look at this CD, you inch (or their other two seven inches) Something in the Water: CD think, “Oh great, another pop punk without dancing around your living MORNING 40 FEDERATION: Bluesy, ash tray-smelling, roots rock that band.” But on further inspection, you see room at least a little bit; 3) seeing as Self-titled: CD falls somewhere between the Yardbirds this is the original early ‘80s Brit punk how they’ve been around for about I looked at the members list and winced and the Catheters. Nay-sayers could cer- band that had an EP on Riot City. My three years, it’s really about time that when I saw all the brass instruments list- tainly make a case for the Mystery Girls first thoughts are that another old band is they released a full-length; and 4) ed, thinking I was in for another dose of being just yet another band aping Jet and jumping back on the bandwagon, but this Dirtnap should put that full-length out really bad ska. Thankfully, that was not hoping to follow their path to wealth and band’s notoriety was pretty limited to because The Okmonics and Dirtnap the case. Instead, what is wafting through fame, but this stuff has a certain rawness their first single. They had a song from seem like a match just waiting to hap- the air at me is more akin to what the to it that doesn’t seem cooked up, and that single on the Riot City Punk Singles pen. In the meantime, this record has Butthole Surfers might have sounded plus, it’s pretty catchy. Try as you might, Collection CD that came out in the early seven songs and all of them rock. like had they been born and raised in there’s not much here to hate. –Aphid ‘90s and they were on the Have a Rotten Highly recommended. –Sean New Orleans and listened to a lot of Tom Peewit (In the Red) Christmas Volume Two comp LP that I (Okmoniks) Waits—funky, sludgy party music have seen at my brother’s house. steeped in the blues and proto-jazz. Not OMAR A. RODRIGUEZ- more of a Black Flag meets Bl’ast! experimental fare. Ultimately, this LOPEZ: A Manual sound that Good Riddance was record sounds like it was made by a Dexterity—Soundtrack gravitating to. Heavy, without band that had too many musical and Volume One: CD going into the trappings of playing stylistic ideas to blend and wanted Gotta admit, I was never much of metal. If you pay attention to drum- to try to do too many different and an At the Drive-In fan, but this was- ming in recordings, the drumming irreconcilable things at the same n’t too bad a listen. This is a collec- is amazing. Bill is a banger, and at time. While this is a criticism of tion of primarily instrumental the same time, a technician. The sorts, it is—at worst—a gentle one music Rodriguez-Lopez has put rest of the band has the sound of a because at least Paulson is attempt- together for an unfinished film pro- band playing together for many ing to do something that is creative, ject he’s been working on. On its years even though they have been somewhat innovative, and unex- own, the music is a hodge-podge of together for less than one. My pected. That is something to be space rock-styled jams, samples, thinking is now that Good Riddance praised, not scolded, particularly static patterns, synth noodling and is no more, this new band will carry considering how many bands seem the like layered over one another. on, leaving no regrets for the to take the easy, three-chord path Perfect listening for your next demise of its past music. out of the muse’s woods. –Puckett brownie and tea party, if you catch –Donofthedead (Fat) (Initial) my drift. –Jimmy Alvarado (GSL) ORANGES BAND, THE: PERVZ, THE: ONELINEDRAWING: Two Thousands: CD Pieces of You: 7” The Volunteers: CD Art rock. No, really—there’s a guy Saw this band recently and I was Well, Jade Tree finally stopped named Art in the band. –Jimmy probably the only one impressed sending advance releases and start- Alvarado (Morphius) with this Las Vegas trio. They had ed sending totally thrashed promo the terrible option of opening to a copies. For the life of me, I couldn’t PARTISANS, THE: total of six people, but they rocked get the liner notes out of the digi- Idiot Nation: CD harder than anyone on the bill that pak… but that’s okay, because the Dr. Strange has the uncanny knack night. That took a lot of cajones to tray in the digipak was shattered of picking out older bands from the do. They play punk that is equal anyway. I consider these things to brink of obscurity and releasing top parts Dead Boys and Iggy Pop from be fucking shames because I actual- notch material that stands up to the past, to modern day bands like ly like this. It’s nothing fancy, nor is their classics. The Partisans are a the Stitches or the Briefs. When you it new. It’s just well done, intro- perfect example. Formed in 1978 see them live you expect you are spective, melodic indie rock which by fourteen-year-old kids and going to hear a Green Day cover will fit perfectly into the record col- English label mates with the newly band because of how young they lections of people who like the formed Blitz, the Partisans sounded look. But before you blink, they Kinsellas’ work (see: American like an amalgamation of the kick you in the groin to bring you Football, Owen, etc.). While all of Professionals, Sex Pistols, Peter back to reality and rock you a new these songs are pretty, drifting and the Test Tube Babies, the hole. –Donofthedead musical pieces which frequently Buzzcocks, and most obviously, (Wood Shampoo) feature breathy vocals and most The Clash. Their first album, self- seem like the perfect thing to put on titled, came out in 1983 (It’s been PLANESMISTAKEN- when putting on the moves on that re-released as Police Story.) The FORSTARS: special someone for the very first summer of ‘84 saw their second LP, Up in Them Guts: CD time, some of them are just slightly Time Was Right. Then, pow, aside More just heavy than metal, more too energetic (see: New End from reissues, nothing until they Sabbath than Maiden, more doom, Original) to serve as background self-released an EP in 2002. The cataclysm, and urgency than pussy, music. With all of that said, these only strange thing that happened in pills, bottles, and a cheap fix. More songs are simply too immediately the interim is that the bassist, Dave darkness of twilight than the light of catchy to think that this is a record Parsons, went on to form dawn. More bruises and welts and that I would still like in a year or Transvision Vamp, then joined slashes than clear skin and perfect two—they’re too immediately pre- Bush, of all bands. 2004’s Idiot teeth. Unkempt hair, viking style. sent and enjoyable; as most of us Nation pulls it off right. No stutter I’d admit that I don’t listen to this know, the albums we like best are steps. Nothing tentative. Their roots type of stuff that often, but I’ve got the ones that we have to fight with are solidly in place (it’s punk, not to hand it to Planes Mistaken For for a while. This record is simply an assy form or new wave or a Stars for creating their own non- too genial to take a swing at me on cringing version of metal), and they ironic ecosystem of songs. the first listen. While that speaks don’t sound like geezers with their Everything fits—from the whis- well of its craft, it doesn’t say much eyes on a brass check. This record pery, nail-punctured screaming to about its staying power or whether sounds like ‘77 well spring punk. the atmospheric (instead of need- it will mean much to me in the Great melodies, singalongs, and lessly intricate) guitaring to the future. –Puckett (Jade Tree) appropriate amounts of coarseness booming of the drums. It all sounds and abrasions. All in all, an so big picture and scorched earth. ONLY CRIME: extremely satisfying listen. How the Much like an epic movie is effected To the Nines: CD hell does Dr. Strange keep doing by scenery, the entire tone—every A new all-star hybrid has been cre- this? –Todd (Dr. Strange) note—of this album is spot-on and ated. Russ Rankin of Good reinforces the initial drive and Riddance fame searches for an out- PAULSON: Variations: CD theme. I can’t say that it’s really my let to express himself when an Initial’s normal year offers about bag, but you’ve got to hand it to impending hiatus of his band is one decent release—this year offers them for following their own vision imminent. He first finds a taker in two with the forthcoming Guilt col- and making a powerful record that Aaron Dalbec of the band Bane. lection and Black Cross’ Widows doesn’t reek of a wispy fad or mere There is the first guitarist. Next, the Bloody Widows compilation. style. –Todd (No Idea) brothers, Zach and Donivan, from Paulson thus presents an interesting Hagfish add another guitarist and problem because, while it’s better PLEASE MR. bassist. So while a band is being than normal Initial fare like the GRAVEDIGGER: Here’s to created, Russ has a conversation Harkonen release which came out the Life of the Party: CD with Bill Stevenson about his pro- earlier this year and the Ultimate The singer of this band seems to ject. Biff, bam, boom! He is inter- Fakebook record which was really have some sort of glandular dys- ested and now the project is com- completely unnecessary, it isn’t function which causes his mouth to plete with the addition of Bill on even close to the awe-inspiring produce too much saliva, which in drums. I was apprehensive of this sonic brutality of Black Cross. turn comes flying out of his mouth record at first. High expectations Paulson veers between skittering into the microphone as he screams can taint the first listen. So I held drumbeats which wouldn’t sound his atonal lyrics. It’s kind of like back for awhile before listening. On out of place on a jazzy jungle 12”, that drunk guy you stood next to in first listen, this band sounds very moody keyboard-driven atmospher- that club the other day, who was try- similar to later period Good ic music which cribs from Three ing to shout something in your ear, Riddance. I was expecting more of Mile Pilot / Black Heart Procession but all you got out of it was a wet a metal, hardcore sound from the and unusual electronic effects ear. It’s too bad, ‘cause the rest of guitars. But, the thought here is which fill in the gaps between post- the band has got some really inter- core riffing and attempts at more esting stuff going on, including an occasional farfisa organ bleeding RAMONES: Acid Eaters: CD through the fuzzed-out guitars and the A bit of a diversion, this is a collection of pounding drums and bass. I gotta think covers of psychedelic ‘60s tunes origi- one of the other guys in this band could nally done by the Amboy Dukes, the do the singing, they’d each get a larger Who, the Byrds, Love, The Jefferson cut, and they’d be a decent hardcore Airplane and others. I remember not band. –Brian Mosher (Pluto) thinking all that much of this upon its initial release, but it sounds a lot more PLEBE, LA: interesting upon hearing it again, and Exploited People: CDEP some of them, like “Somebody to Love” PLEBE, LA: and “My Back Pages” are actually pretty Conquista 21: CDEP rockin’. Also included is an outtake of Hardcore punk from la Misión, with a them doin’ “Surfin’ Safari.” –Jimmy wholly unnecessary horn section. While Alvarado (Captain Oi) I can totally relate to some of the senti- ments expressed here (being a Chicano RAMONES: Adios Amigos: CD raised in abject poverty in East Los, I It was a bit tough listening to this, the find myself nodding in agreement when last studio album the Ramones will ever they speak of barrio and lower class release. I’ve been living in a little bubble hardships), I have a hard time swallow- of denial for years now, avoiding buying ing lines like “don’t call me addict this or listening to any of it, as if my ‘cause the drugs help me heal.” I’ve seen ignoring it would change the fact that too many good people, including myself, one of my favorite bands of all time is fall for those lies and end up embodying now but a beer-soaked memory. But you the stereotypes that others have created gotta face everything sooner or later, I to pigeonhole us (Chicanos and punks guess, and this is as good as any to say alike). Which is not to say that I’m some goodbye to one of the musical pillars fuckin’ teetotaler who walks a straight upon which was built my youth and sub- line or anything, but there’s a fine line sequent adulthood. By the time this between having a beer or a toke with the album hit the stores in 1995, the band boys and using alcohol and drugs to members had had about enough of each drown out life’s pain. My suggestion is other. Joey and Johnny hadn’t talked to to take a little time and read Rudolfo each other in years, and CJ and Marky Acuña’s Occupied America and learn had apparently developed a rift of their why you are in the position you’re in own (as evidenced in the bonus track, a instead of focusing too much time on cover of Motorhead’s “healing.” –Jimmy Alvarado “R.A.M.O.N.E.S.,” wherein CJ changes (www.laplebe.com) one line to “Marky takes it up the ass”). Still, they managed to crank out one last POISON IDEA: album of new tunes. Some really good Feel the Darkness: LP work is put down here—a cover of Tom This is a reissue of Poison Idea’s classic Waits’ “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up,” the 1990 album. If you’re a fan of the band, bittersweet (and evermore poignant con- you know you need this album. If you sidering he lost his battle with cancer a don’t know Poison Idea, Feel the few years after this was released) Joey- Darkness is a good introduction. It penned “Life’s a Gas,” “Scattergun,” and shows the band at their best—blending “Making Monsters of My Friends”—and straight ahead rock’n’roll elements (like CJ gets even more involved in the pro- being able to play their instruments ceedings, penning a couple and singing amazingly well and texturing songs with roughly half the songs on the album. guitar parts that flirt with the idea of a While it may not be the greatest album solo without once wanking off) and punk they ever recorded, it is one of the better rock (in the gruff vocals and raw honesty ones of the latter period of their run, and of the lyrics). On a first listen, Feel the definitely a nice way for them to head Darkness gives you a lucid insight into noisily off into the sunset. I loved ‘em where bands like Turbonegro and the and I will truly miss ‘em. –Jimmy New Bomb Turks got so many good Alvarado (Captain Oi) ideas. On repeated listens, you’ll just think, man, I need to own more stuff by RAMONES: Brain Drain: CD Poison Idea. –Sean (Farewell) As the 1980s came to a close, it seems the brudders had pretty much run out of PRACTICE/ SMALLTOWN: both steam and ideas, as evidenced by Split 7” this album, which is eighty percent filler What a perfect idea for a split—to com- with some true Ramones gems imbedded bine a Japanese band with a Swedish one here and there. The proceedings start off who’re both approaching music in simi- on a high note, with “I Believe in lar ways. Practice wear the Clash influ- Miracles,” one of the best tracks they ence a bit more obviously, but it doesn’t managed during Reagan’s tenure. From matter. They come across neither as an there, however, it’s a five-song trudge to extended Clash medley nor do they the next oasis, “Pet Sematary,” written sound like they’re just rearranging the for the Stephen King movie of the same ashes of long-ago written songs. Great name. Three songs later, up pops one of stuff. Fourteen songs down, from a slew the thrashers they developed a fondness of 7”s and splits, Smalltown has done no for writing during the period, “Ignorance wrong. They make water-tight unpreten- Is Bliss,” followed by a rather pedestrian tious, instantly likeable yet stronger on rocker, “Come Back, Baby,” and then it’s repeated listens songs. “Fifteen” is an over. Ironically, it’s a novelty bonus ode to turning off the TV and going for a track tacked onto this reissue, “Merry walk and “Jimmy” is a cover of the neo- Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight mod band, The Purple Hearts. Great stuff Tonight),” that provides the most that fans of prime Jam and Stiff Little Ramonesy song on the last release to fea- Fingers would sit up and pay immediate ture three of the four original members. attention to. What’s odd about It would’ve been a sad ending, indeed, if Smalltown is that they don’t come off as this has been their last word, but after a revival band. They’ve studied the past this was recorded, Dee Dee was out and sheared off the best parts, but have (although he continued to write for the their fingers on a map that’s leading band right up to the end), CJ was in and them into places few bands have ever the ‘90s were on the horizon. –Jimmy found. I’m not sure how they do it. Alvarado (Captain Oi) –Todd (Snuffy Smile) RAMONES: good ol’ thrash. Something that makes a fidelity whore by any stretch of the difference. If this was released twenty Mondo Bizarro: CD you clinch your teeth and makes your imagination. Give me Supercharger on a years ago, you’d gleefully be paying Dunno if it was the arrival on the scene jaws cramp. Something that will make barely working tape deck over Rush on a through the nose for a copy. –Jimmy of the young CJ or the promise of a new you tighten your forehead so hard that an audiophile’s hard-on stereo system Alvarado (Havoc) decade, but after the lackluster Brain your eyebrows connect as one. This band any day. That said, this record made me Drain, the boys came roaring back with from Chicago is the prescription for almost go deaf. It’s incredibly tinny and REVENGE IS: this album to suckerpunch those who those needs. Fast and angry music that recorded so hot it makes me cringe. Self-titled: CDEP began mumbling that maybe the pummels its way out of the speakers. No We’re talking physiology—the body’s Holy. Fucking. Shit. They did not just Ramones had reached the end of the pretend anger here. Fast bursts with stop- natural reaction to stimuli—not the introduce a guitar solo on the record by road. Like a mirror image of the preced- on-a-dime tempos that change with out a music. The music, from what I can tell, is saying the guitarist’s name, did they? ing album, this release is a solid effort, moment’s notice. Six songs that go by so pretty damn great. Manic, pure bred You must be fucking kidding me. And short on filler and long on ball-on rock- fast that you barely sit down before you energy that reminds me of a mix between that’s just the first song. Generic, ’n’roll, not to mention some class-A have to get back up to flip the record the Saints and the Kill-a-Watts. unmemorable, hopefully quickly forgot- songwriting. Joey offers up the opening over. –Donofthedead (Kangaroo) Lightning bolts, cars with dire exhaust ten rock’n’roll. If a cutout bin still exists salvo, “Censorshit,” a bomb leveled at problems, thrown pint glasses with somewhere, this disc will find its way former Mrs. Vice-President Tipper Gore RAW POWER: bloody fingerprints, close hugs with bad there. –Puckett (Morphius) and her gaggle of Washington wives, the The Hit List: CD breath and shitty amps. That type of PMRC, who in the late ‘80s/early ‘90s Italy’s most famous hardcore unit, who thing. In a good way. I wish my ears RF7: were out to impose limits on free speech continue to slog on after more than twen- would stop ringing, though. –Todd Addictions & Heartache: CD under the guise of little “parental adviso- ty years in the game, take a moment to (Wrench) Getting old not only sucks, it’s also just ry” stickers on music releases deemed stop and reflect on where they’ve been. plain weird, which is cool: For instance, “objectionable” (in one of history’s great All the hits from most of their albums are REPLICATOR: You Are Under the interval between this album’s release ironies, the stickers actually helped the here (although there’s a noticeable dearth Surveillance: CD and the release of RF7 ‘87—the last RF7 releases tagged by giving them “taboo” of tuneage from their awe-inspiring 1983 Reminds me of Jeff Pezzati fronting album i recall myself being in possession credibility and boosting their sales). demo), and it will no doubt serve as a Girls Against Boys or some other bass- of, although i’m not so sure there wasn’t From there it’s a veritable grab bag of nice introduction to those who may have driven D.C. post-core unit. Yes, there are another one after that—doesn’t seem any late-period classics: “The Job that Ate missed them first time ‘round. It’s also sound clips, odd effects, etc. It’s reminis- more longer and ridiculous than the My Brain,” “Poison Heart,” “It’s Gonna nice to hear the band’s sound progression cent of Rage Against the Machine in that interval between RF7 ‘87 and the Be Alright” (a thank you to their fans), take place in the span of one CD. This is respect… but only in the number of gad- Fortunate Son 45 was, even though “Main Man,” “Tomorrow She Goes highly recommended listening for any gets Tom Morello would fuck around we’re talking about one interval of like Away,” “Heidi Is a Headcase,” and fan of hardcore and its assorted off- with to make a noise. This is really pret- four years and another one of like seven- “Touring,” a nod to both where the band shoots, and a good way for old fans to ty boring because there just isn’t much to teen years. Further, although i will state had been, musically and literally, and catch up with ‘em. –Jimmy Alvarado say before it’s all said and done. –Puckett without fear or favor that RF7 were how they got there. Added on here as a (Sudden Death) (Substandard) never a big favorite of mine (lots of my bonus track is their take on the friends liked ‘em though) back in The “Spiderman” theme, icing on an already REAL LOSERS, THE: RESTARTS, THE: Day, they don’t sound a goddamn mea- amazing cake. –Jimmy Alvarado Time to Lose: CD System Error: CD surable micron worse twenty-two years (Captain Oi) I remember reading an issue of Creem at Mid-tempo English punk rock with all later—at least not to these punk-ravaged the library when I was a kid and a the requisite sing-along parts and defi- eardrums. We still gotz the two-guitar- RAT BASTARDS: reviewer raped the hell out of the Saints’ ance that has become a bit of a stereotype punk-rock-plus-occasional-dark-surface- Self-titled: 7” first record, saying that it sounded like it these days. So what’s so special about rock-and-or-metal-isms attack of the I’m mad, you’re mad, we are all mad! was recorded in a cavern of tin foil. And these guys, then? They sound sincere Way Back When, we still gotz unsung When you are feeling that way, the only I remember getting that record years later about what they are singing about, the L.A. punk hero Felix Alanis’ feces-sweet complement to that emotion is some and thinking, “Man, you’re a fucking songs are well-written and catchy as hell, Lemmy-burgers on the vocal grill... hell, snob. That record sounds great.” I’m not and that, my dear friends, makes all the i can’t honestly say that i’ve played this back to back with “Fall In,” but, i mean, cially on the Ripcord cover, and the honestly, this certainly seems like it’s singer has a high youthcrew voice. I within the ballpark of their best materi- can’t even figure out what speed the al. The title track (with a Screeching Feelin’ Fine! side goes on, but they both Weaselish riff and everything!) is, in all sound great! At both speeds, they’re likelihood, my favorite RF7 song of all heavier and scarier than SBV, and they time (not including “Fortunate Son,” get five songs, two more than SBV. which is cheating as it’s my favorite They’re from Fresno, but they sound CCR tune) Y’all whom dunno who RF7 like some of the radder Japanese thrash- be, y’all go to some night classes or grinders of today. Who’s feeling fine somethin’ and straighten up your con- now? Me! –Cuss Baxter (Retarded; ception of the punk rock framework. ) This man’s name is MR. Felix, and he’s got more SiCK TEENs than you. BEST SCARLET LETTER, THE: SONG: “Addictions & Heartache” How Is Your Heart?: CD BEST SONG TITLE: “Where Have All Sincere, well-intentioned hardcore. The Quaaludes Gone?” FANTASTIC Sadly, heart only takes a band so far; AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Unless memorable music needs to carry the reality shifted in the last two decades music for the remainder of the journey and i don’t remember what the fuck was and that’s where this stumbles. It’s not going on, Felix Alanis’ Smoke 7 label bad, but it isn’t memorable. Besides, released the first album by the band then I’ve had an issue with the idea of writ- known as Red Cross, Born Innocent. ing an essay about what a song means –Rev. Nørb (Puke ‘n’ Vomit) that’s longer than the song is for some time now. –Puckett (Black Matter) ROCKET FROM THE CRYPT: Circa Now! + 4: CD SEDACED: Self-titled: CDEP This album was originally my introduc- Melodic post punk out of the UK that tion to RFTC back in the early ‘90s, and sounds like Leatherface meets Hot it’s the standard that I’ve held all of their Water Music. –Donofthedead (Newest later albums up to. As far as I’m con- Industry) cerned, RFTC didn’t release anything as good as Circa Now! until last year’s SEGER LIBERATION ARMY: Live from Camp X-Ray. I don’t know if 2+2=? b/w East Side Story: 7” it’s just sentimental on my part, or if this I suppose the fact that I was never a big album is really as great as I think it is. I Bob Seger fan explains the fact that I will say this, though: I taped this off of JUST DON’T GET WHY THIS BAND a friend in 1993. When the tape wore EXISTS. Adequate garage rock. –Cuss out, I bought the CD. That CD was Baxter (Big Neck) stolen from me sometime around ’96, and a year later, I bought a new copy. So SIGNAL LOST: this reissue is the fourth time I’ve gone Children of the Wasteland: CD out of my way to obtain a copy of this Something different from Prank album. It has been in my car, in my Records this time around. A label that wife’s car, or in heavy rotation at home specializes more in the thrash variety, for the majority of the last twelve years. they diversify with this one. This is a in broad strokes, my feeling always was occasional lush sonic tapestry to enjoy, I can’t think of many other albums that female-led band that is more Vice Squad “Bubblegum Good, Psychedelic Bad.” that’s cool. If you have, say, the Bees I can say that about. Originally, than the Distillers. Moody and atmos- And, of course, i realize that these are giving you total brain-rot like “Voices Interscope released this album, and pheric like the band Proletariat, or dis- the thoughts of an infant—but, then Green and Purple,” that’s cool too. there’s an interesting story all about how sonant at times like early Sonic Youth. I again, so what? I’m pretty sure i had a However, you take a case like the RFTC got signed and recorded this in find a lot of what I hear this band doing better-formed idea of what was “cool” Jefferson Airplane, on the other hand, L.A. during the L.A. riots in 1992, and to be similar to the latest Harum Scarum or “uncool” at age three or four than and... well... generally not my bag, in a how John Reis got the rights back and LP by reaching out past the cookie cut- most dopes i meet in the street will ever big way. By dint of relatively crude re-released it himself (it’s all in the liner ter parameters of punk and trying to have in their entire adult lives. But, of instrumentation and production (blast notes, I’m not gonna rehash it here). achieve the anger of the genre without course, i also realize that my utopian that Farfisa and yell! Fuck yes!), The Press releases aside, though, this is one having to play a million miles a minute. dream at age four (owning a jukebox Seeds sidestep an immediate chuck into of my all-time favorites and it’s essen- Dark and gloomy songs that are well and a lot of quarters so i could dance The Pit Of Psychedelic Hell—but, yet, i tial listening. There are four extra songs done. –Donofthedead (Prank) with my cousins all night to “Yummy can’t help but be edgy, feeling the band on this re-issue. They’re really good Yummy Yummy” and “Bang-Shang-A- is eternally treading seductively on the songs, but I can understand why they SK8 OR DIE: Lang”) doesn’t really work in a world periphery of a genre i do not and will didn’t make the original cut. They just Not in My Skatepark: CD where you have to beat people in the not approve of. Realistically, anyone don’t have the same intensity and feel of Barely competent hardcore with a love head just to be allowed to survive, so, like three years older or younger than the rest of the album. They’d fit better of skateboarding and a hatred of uhhh... what’s my point? My point, i myself would probably have a totally with RFTC’s Scream Dracula Scream rollerbladers as its overarching theme. It guess, is that i cannot be reasonably different opinion on these matters, but (which is a pretty good album, too). was funny and witty in its simplicity, expected to be overly excited about a that is pure speculation on my part. Very –Sean (Swami) and I doubt I’ll ever listen to it again. new Seeds album. Were this a new Ohio nice silkscreened cover art. I take back –Jimmy Alvarado (Hill Billy Stew) Express or Archies or Lancelot Link & half those things i just said about your SAFES, THE: The Evolution Revolution or Banana mothers! BEST SONG: “Let Her Sting” Boogie Woogie Rumble: CDEP SKY SAXON & THE SEEDS: Splits record, i’d be fucking pissing my BEST SONG TITLE: “Let Her Sting,” Sounds like a quarter-century-younger Red Planet: CD pants (note: i have been toilet trained in although that seems grossly unfair FAN- version of the Angelic Upstarts all ...i am really not a Seedsologist—i’ll the interim). I am, as regards the late TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: cracked up on those energy drinks so cop to owning a copy of Web of Sound ‘60s, somewhat of a counter-revolution- The Seeds’ keyboard player is now the popular with our nation’s youth singing and, of course, familiarity with the hits ary, and i maintain my right to this posi- guy from the Finks/Bomboras/etc... and Undertones songs that aren’t about girls, (“Pushing Too Hard,” “No Escape,” tion by the fact that i actually remember the new bass player used to be in except for “Mental Wheelchair,” which etc.), but that’s pretty much it—so i a fair amount of data about the four Decry?!??!??!??!?!?!!! –Rev. Nørb kind of sounds like it could have come surely hope i didn’t wind up getting years and four months i existed in that (Rogue) from somewhere in the middle of the assigned this record in the hopes that i decade, so there. ANYWAY. About The second side of the Adolescents first had this vast wealth of information that Seeds, yes? How does this brain-purge SLATER: Self-titled: CD album. If this record gets you on the i could just strew hither ‘n’ yon. I mean, involve The Seeds? Well, see, the thing Sensitive rock. Oh, and they sing floor, watch out for your brisket! BEST i respect them ‘60s punk bands, and i about The Seeds is that they’ve obvi- through a bullhorn filter just like STP. SONG: “Mind Meltdown” BEST even respect the ‘60s drug culture, and i ously got the one foot in That Which AC Slater would be disappointed. SONG TITLE: “Mind Meltdown” i especially respect a full-time cartoon Man Would Call The ‘60s Punk, which –Megan (Fork In Hand) guess FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIV- nut like Sky Saxon, because, quite is advantageous and good. On the other IA FACT: 75% of this band appear to be frankly, That Is What I Want To Be hand—or, more correctly, foot—they’ve SLEEPING DOGS: brethren. –Rev. Nørb (Pro-Vel) When I Grow Up—but, ultimately, also got one foot in That Which Might Beware: CD although i was drooling and wearing a Be Psychedelic, which can occasionally A reissue of a Crass-related band’s SBV/FEELIN’ FINE!: Split 7” diaper for much of the portion of the be problematic. Now, “psychedelic” recorded output. Sludgy rhythms, SBV (no indication for what it stands) ‘60s i was alive in, i was able to form music, to me, is great, in theory. If you monotone vocals, anarchist lyrics—this from SD (stands for San Diego) play some pretty strong opinions regarding have, say, The Byrds giving you this is what Flipper would’ve sounded like if very very fast most of the time, espe- the Popular Music Of The Time: Painted they had been from England and had more like ultra-early Misfits (just after for something, anything to take the edge TYCKER DU?: Close to It Penny Rimbaud on drums. –Jimmy “Cough/Cool”) playing Sweet Baby off. I got news for you: the Tim Version b/w No Leaves Yet: 5” Alvarado (Broken Rekids) songs. Both tunes are fairly strong, and, ain’t it. If anything, they make the edge Man, five-inch records are so fuckin at my advanced age, that’s what i like to edgier. What else is punk rock good for? dumb: it takes six tries to get the god- SLOW JETS: see in a new band. I hereby declare –Jim Ruland (ADD) damn needle on there without a rejection Remain in Ether: CD myself in wait for the band’s next record, or dropping it on the mat, and then you There’s really not much for me to care before i throw the raw meat to the mass- TOTAL CHAOS: get, at best, two minutes playtime before about here—at times it sounds like Sonic es. We have all been warned. BEST Punk Invasion: CD you gotta go through the whole thing Youth channeling Dick Dale, at others SONG: “Sun’s Coming Up” BEST To this day, malignant rumors swirl again. And so, Tycker Du, you get one it’s as if Pavement really was The Fall. In SONG TITLE: “I Couldn’t Wait to Get about the punk community that Total listen, you and your Hüsker-copped logo. the grand tradition of reviewers who Home” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIV- Chaos is nothing more than a pre-fab Sounds more like Articles of Faith than really have nothing of merit to say about IA FACT: That lead singer dude sure street punk band cooked up in the mid- Hüsker Dü , but in olden times the two an artistic work besides dropping the looks a fucking scary lot like my buddy’s ’90s by the Epitaph execs for the sole had more in common than they would names of seminal bands and trying to ex-girlfriend. GO HOME. TANIA, purpose of pumping a little badly need- later, including Reflex Records, here show off their musical knowledge (come YOU’RE DRUNK. –Rev. Nørb ed crust and snarl into their otherwise echoed in the somewhat mysterious on motherfucker, whip it out and get a (Dollar Record) “safe” label roster. There was even a placement of the anagram Ferlex on the ruler—we’ll see who’s bigger), I will rumor that Rob Chaos was, in reality, label, but not in such a way as to suggest, offer that fans of indie rock might find STRUNG UP: Nikki Sixx’s little brother—and judging exactly, that that’s the name of the label, this appealing. However, it doesn’t really Society Rot in Hell: LP by the photos, you had to wonder; under and since there’s no label or address list- do shit for me. –Puckett (Morphius) Holy shit, fuck and goddamn if this ain’t all the spiky, colored hair and studded ed, I guess it’ll remain a mystery. –Cuss one sweet motherfuckin’ release. Fifteen leather there was what appeared to be a Baxter (no label, like I said) SOLIDARITY PACT, THE: tracks of flying fingers, stop/go tempos “pretty boy” of sorts. And just how like- Concrete Don’t Give a Fuck: and attitude up the wazoo, all wrapped ly is it, the rumor continued, that a Rob U.S. ROUGHNECKS: Twenty CD up in the accoutrements of a Bay Area Lowe-type is going to chuck it all for the Bucks and Two Black Eyes: CD They seem to mean well. The DIY press hardcore band. In their tunes one can gutter punk life of squatting and sporting I’ll admit that when I saw this was on release insert is a rambling, stream of hear a mishmash of influences, from Bad around-the-clock b.o.? More likely that Hellcat, my underwear bunched up on consciousness rant about how we’re all Posture (who they cover here), Verbal our Rob Lowe/Chaos character would me a little bit. But when I looked at the one big family, and we need to stick Abuse, Negative Approach and a host of wind up in some cheeseball hair metal back cover and saw all the skeletons, I together and scream together, so that we others, all blended perfectly and spat band where his chiseled good looks and got my hopes up. I thought maybe it can rise up together. Very uplifting. But back out like a finely crafted margarita. nice package can be more appropriately would end up being some decent, the music is dark and throbbing, with If you have even a passing interest in worshipped. Well, I don’t have any Misfits-y schlock punk; something obvi- hardcore screaming vocals and thunder- hardcore and believe that there ain’t been insider poop on the true identity of Mr. ously derivative, but certainly listen- ous drums. Not exactly my thing, but anything good that’s come out of that Chaos, but what is certain is that, able—like Bobby Steele’s Undead. Was I well done. –Brian Mosher scene in more than a decade, I suggest whether his dissent is manufactured or off! The skeletons on the back cover are (Solidarity Pact) you get a hold of this by any means nec- not, he is indeed in a hair punk band and the only thing Misfits-y about these essary, ‘cause it’ll give you that curb job they have managed to put out several guys. No one’s hairdo in this band is any- SONIC LOVE AFFAIR: you so desperately need, smart guy. albums worth of boldly cliché and car- thing close to a devilock. These are loud Self-titled: 2 X 7” –Jimmy Alvarado toony street punk in the ‘n’ proud skinheads who play weightlift- This is broken up into the two sides of (Blazing Guns/Kangaroo) Exploited/Discharge/GBH tradition. ing street punk with a singer who sounds the band’s personality, I guess, with the And happily, some of it has actually like a pro wrassler in a cranky mood. first disc showcasing a more fuzzed-out SUNDAY DRUNKS: been pretty good. Their latest, Punk They prefer to call themselves “short psychedelic influence and the second On the Prowl: CD Invasion (which apparently is a re- haired rock-n-roll.” I’m sure these guys leaning more toward a Detroit rock bent. When bluesy punk is done right it can be release of the same record that original- would probably beat me into jelly with There’s one original and one cover on a beautiful thing, and these guys most ly came out in ‘01 on Reject) is a pretty baseball bats if they ever saw those old each slab o’ wax and all are done quite definitely do it right, managing to refer- typical T.C. release with mostly revved pictures of me with Robert Plant hair, but well. Dunno if they can pull off a full- ence the Stooges, the Dolls, the up hardcore street punk and some slow- I like them anyway. Like so many bands length, but this ain’t too bad. –Jimmy Heartbreakers and the first Damned er, less snarly, dumb punk anthems. As from this particular subgenre, this is Alvarado (Dollar Record) album without sounding either dated or good as this is in spots, it’s equally bad meaty and menacing and just plain hard like worshippin’ geek clones. They in other spots (see Dumb Punk not to like, in spite of it’s cartoony, pit- SOVIETTES, THE: stomp and swagger with the best of ‘em, Anthems), so I’d still steer people bull-like earnestness. –Aphid Peewit Alright b/w Plus One: 7” crank out one blues-encrusted tune after towards their older, more consistent stuff (Hellcat) Add two more feathers into the another, and leave you wantin’ more. like Pledge of Defiance and Patriotic Soviettes’ cap. Flawless, urgent, fun Good stuff. –Jimmy Alvarado Shock. But on the other hand, I’d defi- UNLOVABLES, THE: Crush, punk rock with vocals that rotate easily (Dead Beat) nitely recommend this one over the one Boyfriend, Heartbreak: CD through all four members like hot oil they did after Patriotic Shock with It’s getting to the point where I know pumping through a big, powerful engine. SWINGIN’ UTTERS: “Wilma Wifebeater” or whatever her I’ve got to make a conscious effort not to If you’ve ever entertained liking a com- Live in a Dive: CD name was. I guess I just miss the old listen to this CD any more, at least not pletely modern Go Go’s-style of verve, I don’t need to explain what this band line-up; I miss Ronald McMurder for a few days. At first, I thought, What insufferable hooks, hard-working sweat, sounds like, do I? These guys have been because he had a funny name and an harm would come of me listening to it contagious melodies, and smarts, The around for a while. My question is, why even funnier haircut and I miss Joe twice in a row? It’s not a bad CD. The Soviettes are a sure-fire bet. Hell yeah, they are not as big as Rancid, Dropkick Bastard, just because I think every punk songs are definitely more pop than punk, it’s great. They’re the musical equivalent Murphys or, say, Flogging Molly? They band should have a fat guy. Now we but the lyrics are catchy and you can’t to having a cotton candy machine in your came up around the same time period. I have characters like “Todd Trash” and help but tap your toe a bit in time with house. –Todd (Dirtnap) don’t think they have to open for anyone “Sean Smash” and it’s just not the same. the music, bop your head, maybe shim- anymore. But I guess because their All in all, Punk Invasion has a bit of a my and jiggle your shoulders a little. You STAGGERS, THE: One videos aren’t really on MTV and their punk-by-numbers stink to it, but for the start listening to the album at least once Heartbeat Away from Hell: CD counterparts’ channels. But I would fig- most part, it manages to rock dumbly, every day. Pretty soon, at random Sturdy but samey-sounding hardcore- ure their popularity is at the level of the despite all the glammy gutter punk pos- moments you find yourself absentmind- cum-punkabilly, complete with Brian Casualties. Another release on the Live in turing. –Aphid Peewit (SOS) edly humming a little tune, singing a Setzer sideburns, hollow body guitars the Dive series, a series that shows with couple of lyrics. In no time, you’re wak- and a Hank Williams cover. Antiseen such great recording production, you TRAILERPARK TORNADOS: ing up with an Unlovables song in your Lite? Molly Hatchet gone punk? Meat almost forget that it’s a live set. So if you Don’t Mind the Maggots: 7” EP head, every morning, seven days in a Loaf fronting Molly Hatchet doing like the Utters, this is another one to add For some reason, Buffalo’s proving to be row, and you know you’re hooked. Antiseen covers? Fuck if I know. Though to the collection. –Donofthedead (Fat) one of the epicenters of disintegration There’s something addictive about this it had its moments, it never quite cinched for hard working, no luck punk bands. album, I swear. Don’t start listening to it me into that skull-popping headlock that TIM VERSION, THE: The Trailerpark Tornados sound like if unless you’re perfectly immune to infec- I like to find myself in when I listen to Prohibition Starts Tomorrow: Motorhead’s Lemmy Kilmeister and two tious girl-fronted, pop punk rock. this kind of music. And the milquetoast CD of his clones were thrown out of a van –Felizon (Whoah Oh) version of “Snoopy vs. the Red Baron” Don’t let these bastards sneak up on you. and run over by a retard bus then forced didn’t help matters. –Aphid Peewit They’ll break into your house, take all to go through an entire set before receiv- V.P.R.: Aural Assault: CD (Haunted Town) your records, and stash them in an undis- ing any medical attention. It’s bloody, The cover reminded me of a cross closed location, or at least it will feel that bruised, pained rock, void of catchy cho- between Green Day and the classic Peter STALKERS: Sun’s Coming Up way because once this record makes its ruses, one hell of a roughed up record- Sellers movie Dr. Strangelove. But it’s b/w I Couldn’t Wait way onto your turntable, it’s not coming ing, and full of “life fucking sucks”- nowhere near as good as that. I imagine to Get Home: 7” off for a long-ass time. This is one of the isms. The outsider’s outsiders. Hey, it’s that they had a checklist of punk cliches This band and record appear to bear at few punk rock records that make me ask loads better than a bunch of rock star in the studio with them: Tattoos? Check. least superficial resemblance to the myself, “There’s whiskey in the hutch, pricks whose songs are as interesting as Mohawks? Check. Nihilistic lyrics? Crowd’s A World Apart album, but, in how come I’m not drinking it?” which is reading the ingredients in hair gel, that’s Check. Fast guitars and faster drums? the cold hard reality of my piercing criti- not necessarily a good thing when I have for damn sure. –Todd (Big Neck) Check. Multiple piercings? Check. They cal gaze, i have decided that they’re to be at work in an hour and I’m looking only forgot one thing: Songs. Not a good when the mix tape serves the same pur- VARIOUS ARTISTS: rather than rest on their past efforts. one to be found. –Brian Mosher pose with much greater flexibility and Saved by Punk Rock: CD –Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi) (Squirrel Heart) much less cost. Making no sense! It’s odd how a compilation from Texas Anyway, there are some great bands on sounds like an overview of prime OC VODKA JUNIORS: VARIOUS ARTISTS: here—Fifth Hour Hero, Speakeasy, the beach punk. I’m no expert, but I’d wager Suburban Core: CD Advanced Calculus: CD Insurgent, and Suck La Marde—who that most of these bands could go toe-to- Strung Out meets Bad Town Boys with a First of all, the last time I saw packaging sound like a weirded-out Dillinger Four. toe with many of the bands on Hostage dash of Youth of Today. It’s positive, this gorgeous was when Independent Good stuff! Unfortunately, one band, La Records and hold their own. It’s good skate boarder friendly, derivative, profes- Project Records was still around. If you Descente du Coude, starts out with a stuff. –Josh (Rezist) sionally tight, and didn’t do anything for remember any of the 10” releases that rockin’ old Lemonheads sound, and me. If we were still in the mid-’90s, label did, you know exactly how this then… becomes ska! Oh, the shame! Oh, VARIOUS ARTISTS: they’d fit opening a bill for No Use For looks and, by proxy, how incredible it the horror! This CD is one of those cere- Shakin’ in My Boots: CD A Name and Lagwagon. Melodicore is looks. Honestly, I can’t remember the al packs with one-serving boxes, includ- Assorted ‘60s slop, lo-fi and surfy instru- like this fifty-foot long sheet cake. The bands that were on IPR—I just remem- ing everything from Speakeasy (Corn mentals to turn out your next party. first few slices can be awesome, but if ber that the records all looked incredible. Pops!) to ska rockers The Planet Features the Golden Boys, the Crack you have to try to eat the whole thing, The music is what you might expect Smashers (Berry Berry Kix! No thanks!). Pipes, the Deadites, The Ugly Beats, that’s a fuckin’ chore. Sorry. It came all from a good free-form college radio sta- Except for the ska, good! –Maddy White Heat, and others, many of which the way from Greece, too. –Todd tion at the turn of the millennium— (Dare to Care) feature Mr. Hank Tosh on drums, who (Playfalse/ Cannonball 666) mathy, complex, noisy. For the most part, seems to get around quite a bit. –Jimmy it’s challenging, like a good college sta- VARIOUS ARTISTS: Alvarado (Licorice Tree) WOLFBRIGADE: tion should be. There are, of course, low Radio Clamor: CD A D-Beat Odyssey: 12” EP points—generic hardcore which sounds In the interest of full disclosure, I will VARIOUS ARTISTS: Swedish fjordcore, which means this is like someone who so worshipped Kevin offer that I, like some other Razorcake To the Bitter End: CD heavy on Discharge influence, but not so Seconds that they stole his life outright. folks, periodically write for Clamor and Crispy Nuts! In all honesty, the song on much that they sound like copycats. This Generic ska-metal which managed to am one of the proofreaders for each here by Crispy Nuts is the only reason I is supposedly this band’s last release. crib from both Voodoo Glow Skulls and issue. With that said, this isn’t typical picked this up. At one point in my life –Jimmy Alvarado (Havoc) Hot Water Music. Generic pop punk fare because it’s much closer to an audio they were my favorite Japanese punk which borrows liberally (if you can use collage of life than it is to the records that band, and they continue to rule in a WOLFGANG BANG: liberal borrowing to mean robbing at most of us listen to. Spoken word, the Supersnazz-covering-Flag-of- Working Class Zero: CD-R EP gunpoint) from All. You get the idea. most analogous genre, doesn’t even Democracy way. The rest of this interna- Title track sounds like “Deprogram” by Despite these shortcomings, there’s still come close because these are clearly sto- tional compilation (including two bands Suburban Mutilation (but slower) a lot here to enjoy. –Puckett ries that cleave fairly closely to radio from Estonia and one from Slovakia) is crossed with the first False Prophets 45 (These Bricks Are Mine) journalism. In theory, this is an hour-long mostly either shouty Stiff Little Fingers (but slower). The other two songs sound program suitable for broadcasting in its stuff or crusty metal in the vein of the same, but not as good (but, then VARIOUS ARTISTS: entirety by a radio station. In that sense, Totalitar. Nothing on here is bad or any- again, not slower, either). It’s kinda cool Death by Salt: 3XCD the content is much like listening to thing, but very little stands out. –Josh they keep the tempo at the same quasi- Subtitled “A Slug Magazine NPR’s Morning Edition or All Things (Vinehell) plod for the duration instead of jacking it Compilation,” it’s a massive package Considered, only much farther off the up here and there in the attempts to cap- with a beautifully letterpress-printed beaten path. As one example, one of the VARIOUS ARTISTS: tivate antsy audiences—but, that said, box, a booklet the size of my ham collec- most affecting stories focuses on a young Toronto City Omnibus: LP i’m willing to wager that the band can’t tion, with photos and short writeups for man who died after being struck by light- Toronto is one of the hot scenes on the come up with enough top-flight tunes at most or all of the probably fifty-nine ning while dancing on a rooftop in a planet right now in punk rock. Here is a this tempo to make things work to any bands (I can’t count high enough or for storm. However, it also makes for an great sampler that shows why people are great extent. Might i suggest a reworking long enough to check that fact), and three interesting listen outside of radio’s con- currently going gaga over the music of Sweet’s “Wig Wam Bam” as CDs full of what I’d imagine to be just text if you approach it as listening to coming out that region. First off are the “Wolfgang Bang?” Granted, the only about everything going on in Salt Lake sound portraits of different lives and sto- Class Assassins, who play real catchy way i see the chorus going on such a City, which, of course, brings up a prob- ries that fall outside typical media out- street punk that is equally tough and song is “Wolfgang Bang, gonna make lem almost universal to scene comps: lets. –Puckett (Clamor) melodic. Their first 7” is on Soap and you my wang,” but i’m likely not as they can be really hard to listen to, even Spike Records and a full length is on given over to deep thinking as these folks when some of the stuff is good, when VARIOUS ARTISTS: Rock TKO. Not sure if they put out anything are. BEST SONG: “Working Class Zero” you have to switch gears from sweet pop Against Bush Vol. II: CD/ DVD else. Haymaker is another band that has BEST SONG TITLE: “Head” FANTAS- to chunk metal to folk to white rap to Thumbs up to Punkvoter.com. They’ve put out a good amount of material. TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Cover screamo every three minutes and forty mobilized the punks like no other force Angry-as-fuck punk that is not pretty to art so bad it rules!!! –Rev. Nørb seconds. (For what it’s worth, I had the in punk rock’s history. To show that the ears. They even throw in a Reagan (Wolfgang Bang) same problem with the only Victim’s we’re not blowing cheap publicity smoke Youth cover for good measure. Legion Family record I ever owned.) It’s hard up their asses, both Jimmy Alvarado and 666 is equal parts black metal mixed WORKIN’ STIFFS, THE: work, and I can’t be the only one lazy I go a little bit more in depth about them with crust. The name alone evokes heav- My Ghetto: 7” EP enough not to want to do it. And I’m not in our columns and articles in this issue. iness. Career Suicide is a fave at the The Workin’ Stiffs have always seemed even saying I want the stuff grouped bet- To tell you the truth, with the notable Razorcake HQ. See the interview in to me to be a thrashier, more chaotic ter so I can skip genres; I guess I just like exception of the blazing new Dillinger issue 21. Pure old school punk purity. Swingin’ Utters. (Both bands are great in to cultivate a mood, and that’s impossi- Four song, “Like Sprewells on a Riot 99 has put out a couple of CDs in my book.) With this four-songer, I hear a ble when you’re bounced out of Cosm’s Wheelchair,” Green Day’s surprisingly the last few years and put their name on lot of what the Ends are pulling off. On ambient techno into Bob Moss’ weird good “Favorite Son,” and The Dwarves the map. You’ve probably heard the cur- the outside, it may look just like blue col- and somber murder ballad, and then back “Kids Today,” there is very little new on rent punks on a pedestal, Fucked Up. Just lar, working class punk—no denying up into the Vexations’ French new wave this comp that twisted my ear up and like a scene report, this record has some that—but with close listens are little and so forth. In fact, I probably actually glued me to the stereo. (I like but already heavy hitters. Scare Tactic, Murder gems inside all of the songs. Johnny dislike less than ten songs (mostly of the have the Bad Religion, Flogging Molly, Squad T.O. and the Blue Demons round Thunder guitaring is butted up against singer/songwriter or post-Pearl Jam vari- Hot Water Music, Operation Ivy, and this out. In a time when comps are usual- thin slices of AC/DC, and it’s all deliv- ety), and really like quite a few, includ- Jawbreaker cuts.) I honestly feel dirty ly really bad, it’s surprising to get one ered up by a cocksure singer, who sounds ing: Red Bennies (Who-ey rock), Purr and shameful listening to such built-in- that is actually good. –Donofthedead like he’d spit right in your eye, but do it Bats (techno, and featuring Paul the-laboratory-for-the-Warped-Tour (Schizophrenic) with a little bit of a smile. Fiery punk Butterfield who I think is a bigshot in bands as Autopilot Off and Yellowcard. rock not afraid of rock’n’roll. These some circle or other), the Cronies Ick. Really. Fuck your violin and your VIBRATORS: Pure Mania: CD tracks don’t disappoint. –Todd (Radio) (Melvins-style), Dead in the Womb sugar-voiced slime. But that’s such a This, the boys’ first full-length, features (death metal), Mental Midgets (thrashy small quibble when I know that hundreds much of their “classic” repertoire, WRECKAGE: hardcore), Switch (stoner), Form of of thousands of kids are going to take including, “Whips and Furs,” “London This Is America: cassette Rocket (energetic treble punk), this home, sit in their front rooms with Girls,” “Stiff Little Fingers” and, of Crucial old-style thrash tape—six songs, Debonnairs, Books About UFOs, Stilleto their parents, and pop in the DVD. To course, “Baby Baby,” which L.A. eight-point-seven-five minutes, xeroxed and the above-mentioned Bob Moss. know non-punks will hear why Patton punkers Shattered Faith covered way insert, full lyrics, band logo incorporates Nice package, nice roster, knock down Oswalt thinks it’d be fuckin’ cool to die back when, and there are bonus live and a circle-A, et cetera. And it’s really the editor. –Cuss Baxter in the Apocalypse sidled next to a great singles cuts as well, including “We fuckin good! Reminds me of the most (Eighteen Percent Gray) dissection of the importance of indepen- Vibrate.” Considerably more nuanced intense points of NOTA and, like NOTA dent media in a time of war, featuring and prone to openly dancing on the fine among others, Wreckage uses two gui- VARIOUS ARTISTS: Montreal Amy Goodman, makes my heart warm. line between punk and pub rock than tars to proper advantage. One’s down Spirite: A Dare to Care Records People on the fence will get at least a many of their peers, these guys still low and one’s up high, like they split a Family Compilation: CD dollop of information from a non-conser- delivered the goods with the best of ‘em. pack of strings and each one got three. Look, I know there’s nothing I can say vative viewpoint. The packaging is infor- Rumor has it they’re still out and about. Get them some decent production about this that’s going to make you want mative, rational, and well aware of its Hopefully they’ll do us the courtesy of and I think they’ll blossom into a to buy it. I have never met anyone who audience. –Todd (Fat) cranking out an album of new “classics” beautiful hardcore flower. actively seeks out comp CDs, especially –Cuss Baxter (Wreckage) C O N T A C T A D D R E S S E S to bands and labels that were reviewedin the eitherlast two in months. this issue or posted on www.razorcake.com

•33rd Street, PO Box 302, Dr. Strange, PO Box 1058, •Lollipop, 7 Impasse Monségur, •Salinas, PO Box 20996, Ventura, CA 93002 Alta Loma, CA 91701 13016 Marseille, France Ferndale, MI 48220 •700 Machines, c/o Tassos •Eighteen Percent Gray, 2225 S. 500 •Longshot, PMB #72 – 302 Bedford •Scarey, c/o Carlo Calemme, Casella Palaiologou, 8 Boukowala Street, 114 East #206, SLC, UT 84106 Ave., Brooklyn, NY 11211 Postale 516, Succ. 76, 71 Athens, Greece •Epitaph, 2798 Sunset Blvd., •M80, 2400 Hyperion Ave., 10121 Torino, Italy •Alive, PO Box 7112, LA, CA 90026 LA, CA 90027 •Schizophrenic, 17 West 4th, Burbank CA 91510 •Ersatz Audio, PO Box 02713, •Mad at the World, PO Box 20227, Hamilton, Ontario, L9C 3M2 Canada •Alternative Tentacles, PO Box Detroit, MI 48202 Tompkins Square Station, •Sickroom, PO Box 47830, 419092, S.F., CA 94141 •Estrus, PO Box 2125, NY, NY 10009 Chicago, IL 60647 •Amp, 92 Kenilworth Ave. So., Bellingham, WA 98227 •Mangrove, ACP Bldg 3F, 4-23-5 •Ski Mask, PO Box 41753, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada L8K-2S9 •Evergreen Terrace, Wahlbergsgatan Kouenji Minami, Suginami-ku, Tokyo Mesa, AZ 85274-1753 •Anomer, 45 Oak Hill Drive Apt. 11, 10, 121 38 Johanneshov, Sweden 166-0003, Japan •Slab O Wax, PO Box 461082, Belleville, IL 62223 •Excursion, PO Box 20224, •McCarthyism, 7209 25th Ave., San Antonio, TX 78246 •Ashtray, PO Box 4216 Seattle, WA 98102 Hyattsville, MD 20783-2752 •Smog Veil, 550 W. Plumb Ln. #8501, Santa Rosa, CA 95402 •Farewell, PO Box 100205, 47002 •Mint, PO Box 3613, Main Post Reno, NV 89509 •Asian Man, PO Box 35585, Duisburg, Germany Office, Vancouver, BC, V6B 3Y6, •Snuffy Smile, 4-1-16-201 Daita Monte Sereno, CA 95030 •Fastmusic, Yale Station, PO Box Canada Setagaya-Ku, Tokyo, 155-0033 Japan •Bad Taste, Box 1243, 206512, New Haven, CT 06520 •Morphius, PO Box 13474, •Solidarity Pact, 153 East 17th St., 221 05 Lund, Sweden •Fat, PO Box 193690, Baltimore, MD 21203 Huntington Station, NY 11746 •Banal Existence, 2706 Harvard Ave. S.F., CA 94119-3690 •Nation of Kids, 4443 Millvale Dr., •SOS, PO Box 3017, E, Seattle, WA 98102 •First Blood Family, PO Box 1766, Huntsville, AL 35805 Corona, CA 92878 •Beer City, PO Box 26035, Madison, WI 53701 •New Disorder, 115 Bartlett St., •Spook City, PO Box 34891, Milwaukee, WI 53266-0035 •Fork In Hand, PO Box 230023, SF, CA 94110 Philadelphia, PA 19101 •Big Action, 217 East King St., Boston, MA 02123 •New School, PO Box 2094, •Squirrel Heart, PO Box 5871, Winona, MN 55987 •Gearhead, PO Box 421219, Oregon City, OR 97045 Arlington, VA 22205 •Big Neck, PO Box 8144, SF, CA 94142 •Newest Industry, Unit 100, 61 •Steel Cage, PO Box 29247, Reston, VA 20195 •Gern Blandsten, PO Box 356, Wellfield Rd., Cardiff, CF24 3DG, UK Philadelphia, PA 19125 •Birdman, PO Box 50777, River Edge, NJ 07661 •No Idea, PO Box 14636, •Substandard, PO Box 310, LA, CA 90050 •Geykido Comet, PO Box 3806, Gainesville, FL 32604 Berkeley, CA 94701 •Black Matter, PO Box 666, Fullerton, CA 92834 •Nodak, PO Box 478885, •Suburban Home, PO Box 40757, Troy, NY 12181 •Go Kart, PO Box 20, Prince Street Chicago, IL 60647 Denver, CO 80204 •Blackout, PO Box 610, Station, NY, NY 10012 •North Lincoln, PO Box 6891, •Sudden Death, Cascades PO Box Hoboken, NJ 07030 •GSL, PO Box 65091, Grand Rapids, MI 49516 43001, Burnaby, BC, •Blazing Guns, PO Box 40236, LA, CA 90065 •Not Bad, PO Box 371292, Canada V5G 3H0 Downey, CA 90239 •Hardcore Holocaust, PO Box 26742, Denver, CO 80237 •SW, PO Box 9599, •Bombshells, PO Box 3361, Richmond, VA 23261-6742 •Nuts and Bolts, 4043 Piedmont Ave. Charlotte, NC 28299 Burbank, CA 91508-3361 •Hater of God, PO Box 666, #24, Oakland, CA 94611 •Swami, PO Box 620428, •Boss Tuneage, PO Box 74, Sandy, Troy, NY 12181 •Okmoniks, 722 E. 9th St., San Diego, CA 92162 Beds, SG19 2WB, UK •Haunted Town, 1658 N. Milwaukee Tucson, AZ 85719 •Take Root, 250 Napoleon St. Suite •Broken Rekids, PO Box 460402, Ave. #169, Chicago, IL 60647 •One Little Indian, c/o Navarre H, S.F., CA 94124 SF, CA 94146-0402 •Havoc, PO Box 8585, Corp., 7400 49th Ave. North, New •Target Earth, 505 Lupinas •Broken Spoke, 19983 Lexington, Minneapolis, MN 55408 Hope, MN 55428 Hiranuma, 1-1-15 Hiranuma, Nishi-ku, Redford, MI 48240 •Hell Bent, PO Box 1529, Point •Onion Flavored, PO Box 190054, Yokohama 220-0023, Japan •Buddyhead, PO Box 1268, Pleasant Beach, NJ 08742 SF, CA 94119 •These Bricks Are Mine, 5001 Baum Hollywood, CA 90078 •Hellcat, 2798 Sunset Blvd, •Plan-It-X, PO Box 3521, Blvd., Suite 630, Pittsburgh, PA 15213 •Burning Heart, 2798 Sunset Blvd., LA, CA 90026 Bloomington, IN 47404 •Thick, PO Box 351899, LA, CA 90026 •Hill Billy Stew, PO Box 82625, •Playfalse, PO Box 62021, Halandri, LA, CA 90035 •BYO, PO Box 67609, LA, CA 90067 San Diego, CA 92138-2625 15201 Athens, Greece •Thinker Thought, 1002 Devonshire •Cannonball 666, PO Box 52817 N. •Household Name, PO Box 12286, •Pluto, PO Box 1201, Rd., Washington, IL 61571 Erithea, 14671 Athens, Greece London, SW9 6FE, UK McKinney, TX 75070 •Tiberius, 4280 Catalpa Dr., •Captain Oi, PO Box 501, High •Idol, PO Box 720043, •Pop Quiz, 2005 Saber Ct., Independence, KY 41051 Wycombe, Bucks, HP10 8QA Dallas, TX 75372 League City, TX 77573 •TKO, 3126 W. Cary St. #303, •Combat Rock, PO Box 65, 11101 •Impacto, PO Box 620370, •Pop Smear, 2269 Chestnut St. #970, Richmond, VA 23221 Rmk, Finland San Diego, CA 92162 SF, CA 94123 •Tom Perkins Entertainment, 7233 •Criminal IQ, 3540 N. Southport, •In the Red, PO Box 50777, •Prank, PO Box 410892, Lamphere, Detroit, MI 48239 Chicago, IL 60657 LA, CA 90050 SF, CA 94141–9021 •Toucan Cove, 800 Fifth Ave. #101- •Dare to Care, PO Box 463, Stn C, •Initial, PO Box 17131, •Primary Voltage, PO Box 382221, 292, Seattle, WA 98104-3191 Montreal, QC, H2L 4K4, Canada Louisville, KY 40217 Cambridge, MA 02238 •Trashfish, PO Box 56497, •Dead Beat, PO Box 283, •Ipecac, PO Box 1778, •Prison Jazz, 431 Birch St., Little Rock, AR 72215 LA, CA 90078 Orinda, CA 94563 Scranton, PA 18505 •Tsunami, 231 Emery Mills Rd., •Death by Noise, Jon G, 255 E. 3rd •Jade Tree, 2310 Kennwynn Rd., •Pro-Vel, PO Box 5182, Shapleigh, ME 04076 Ave., Columbus, OH 43201 Wilmington, DE 19810 St. Louis, MO 63139 •Tuned To You, 1026 De La Voie Oest •Dee Minus, PO Box 1954, •J-Shirt, PO Box 85133, •Profane Existence, PO Box 8722, L…Vis, Q G6Z 1J9 Canada Paducah, KY 42002 Seattle, WA 98145 Minneapolis, MN 55408 •Union Label Group, 78 Rachel E. •Deep Six, PO Box 6911, •Julia Sets Present, PO Box 39012, •Puke ‘n’ Vomit, PO Box 3435, Montreal, QC H2W 1C6, Canada Burbank, CA, 91510 St. Louis, MO 63139 Fullerton, CA 92834 •Vinehell, PO Box 36131, •Deranged, PO Box 543 Station P, •Jump Start, PO Box 10296, •Radio, PO Box 1452, San Jose, CA 95158 Toronto, ON, M5S 2TI, Canada State College, PA 16805 Sonoma, CA 95476 •Whoah Oh, 21-36 43rd St., •Derek Lyn Plastic, 691 Wesley •Kangaroo, Middenweg 13, 1098 AA, •Reason Y, 747 Barnett St. NE #4, Astoria, NY 11105 Dobbs Ave. Unit M, Amsterdam, Holland Atlanta, GA 30306 •Wood Shampoo, PO Box 27801, Atlanta, GA 30312 •Kapow, PO Box 286, •Revelation, PO Box 5232, Las Vegas, NV 89126 •Destroyed, 12 Summer St., Fullerton, CA 92836 Huntington Beach, CA 92615-5232 •Worldeater, PO Box 42728, Somerville, MA 02143 •Knockout, Postfach 100716, 46527 •Rezist, 4300 Price Ln., Philadelphia, PA 19101 •Dim Mak, PO Box 348, Dinslaken, Germany Longview, TX 75605 •Wreckage, 24-75 38th St #4B, Hollywood, CA 90078 •Know, PO Box 90579, •Riff Raff, 12004 Robin Dr., Astoria, NY 11103 •Dirtnap, PO Box 21249, Long Beach, CA 90809 Catharpin, VA 20143 •Wrench, BCM Box 4049, London, Seattle, WA 98111 •Kommy Elektra, PO Box 48, •Rockin’ Bones, c/o Gualtiero Pagani, WC1N 3XX, England •Disaster, PO Box 7112, Pigeon, MI 48755 Borgo Palmia 3a, 43100 Parma, Italy Burbank, CA 91510 •Licorice Tree, PO Box 92783, •Rogue, 6701 W 87th Place, •Dollar, 332 Fell St. #2, SF, CA 94102 Austin, TX 78709 LA, CA 90045 3RD GENERATION NATION, have existed in skating for years. written and often humorous, but #27, $4, 8 x 11 xerox, 68 pgs. Contrary to popular belief, there much too long considering there’s This zine has been reviewed a lot isn’t just one type of skating and it only one idea in here. The only and everyone says, “Oh shit, it’s in isn’t solely enjoyed by the young. thing he talks about is how modern German.” True, it is in German, but Concrete Wave takes great pains to society is too obsessed with materi- there are some English interviews give equal time to the forms of skat- alism and the need for instant grati- with The Wasps, Hollywood Hate, ing that aren’t as financially lucra- fication; and how, even though we Trashcan Darlings and more. And tive as street skating or the world have access to unprecedented quite a few record reviews are in according to some advertising exec- amounts of information, thanks to English as well. But this brings me utive’s hard-on at the X Games. I the internet, we’re still a bunch of to a more important point. totally applaud that they cover pool ignorant jerks. All of which is true, Americans are stupid and only skating, ditch riding, hill bombing, but could have been covered in speak English. –Gabe Rock (Third freestyle, slalom, and all the more about two pages. –Brian Mosher Generation Nation, Grenzweg 66, soulful, life-affirming nuances that (Andy, somewhere in western 4787 Willich, Germany; skating can bring. It’s a far cry from Massachusetts; ) a hyperkinetic “extreme” soda ) advertisement, and that’s a great ANTI- PANTS, # 8, thing. At thirty-two, I try to skate at DO-IT-YOURSELF $1 or trade, photocopied, 35 pgs. least once a week. I go to a semi- SILKSCREENING: HOW TO Send all zines for review to Record reviews. Interviews. local park, pad up, and work my TURN YOUR HOME INTO Comics. When I first picked this up, favorite bowl. It’s a fun time. More A T-SHIRT FACTORY: Razorcake, PO Box 42129, I thought, “Oh neat-o, the cover rips times than not, I meet some cool $2, 7 x 8 ½, photocopied, 18 pgs. LA, CA 90042. Please off Aqua Teen Hunger Force.” Then people, swap some stories between Having never silkscreened my own include a contact address, the I looked inside and saw that some turns, and get a nice workout. t-shirts, but always being intrigued number of pages, the price, girls put together a zine reminiscent Concrete Wave seems true to this by the process, this is a neat intro- and whether or not you of a middle school yearbook. type of skating—a lifestyle that’s duction. It’s a comic book made by accept trades. Complete with a first-page gothic not all branding and new tricks. Not a guy who’s been silkscreening for poem, “Ode to Jimmy Buffet.” The only have they been able to focus on over ten years. It’s a breezy and zine sucked like most of the bands aspects of skating that are usually well-drawn. You get a good they chose for their record reviews. overlooked—which has long been overview of the entire process, from They even stole most of the the realm of many a fantastic photo- making the frames, stretching the Razorcake Shemps interview, which copied skate zine—the photography silk, to burning the image onto the might make it worth reading. and layout are gorgeous. It looks screen—all of the basic steps, Usually, I would say something like no expenses have been spared. through clean up. All of that is awe- like, “Still, you have to give them It’s great to see classic shots from some, and in that respect, the zine credit.” But then I think to myself, the ‘70s, like Boyd Harnell’s succeeds. Yet, there are a couple of “No, I don’t.” –Gabe Rock (Anti- incredible photo of Jerry Valdez things that I think the zine over- Pants, PO Box 3950, San Dimas, inside a clear, skateable dome that’s looks or assumes, especially for a CA 91773) hovering above a family fun park. neophyte to the squeegie arts. He But Concrete Wave isn’t just part of doesn’t say, exactly, what a trans- CHAIRMEN OF THE BORED, the wayback machine, pining over parency is, how to buy one, or how #20, 8 ½ x 11, photocopied, 24 pgs. skating’s lost golden era. They also to make one. (Again, since this is a Distributed by Fanorama Society, cover up-and-coming rippers like zine aimed at someone—such as this cut and paste extravaganza is Ronnie O’Neil, a nine-year-old girl myself—who has never put ink to a created by two prison inmates, one who can pull tricks that would crip- t-shirt, being as basic as possible is in the legendary Folsom Prison, the ple me. This issue also includes an key.) Also, with the transparency, he other a guest of the Ohio state cor- interview with longboard skate- tells you after it’s getting burned rectional department. A few hand board manufactuers, Sector 9 and what type of transparencies work drawn cartoons and several typed an interview with Vernon Johnson, best. I’d be better if that information (on a typewriter, not a computer or the man responsible for drawing the was flipped around. John also a word processor) essays and short famous skeletons of Powell Peralta assumes that everybody knows stories kept me entertained from and the Bones Brigade that adorned what a squeegie is (I can almost see cover to cover. No music reviews, countless jean jackets during my someone using one designed to but reviews of several other zines. high school years. Wrapping it up is clean windshields instead of one You’ve got to give it up to these Chris Gilligan’s essential treatise made more specifically for guys for putting this together while against modular parks and for con- silkscreening). So, my suggestion, incarcerated. One of them actually crete parks. I’ve been wrangling if you’re looking into silkscreening spent time in solitary as punishment with the City of LA for over a year your own t-shirts is picking this up for using the prison’s paper and to make a non-ass concrete park in as a rough guide, then checking photocopier without authorization. my town (an ongoing and frustrat- your local library or online to see if Now that’s suffering for your art. ing process, to be sure). Gilligan’s there are some more technical man- –Brian Mosher (Fanorama Society, essay is so essential that I down- uals to fill in some of the gaps with 109 Arnold Ave., Cranston, RI, loaded the PDFs of his file and this zine. With a couple of tweaks, 02905; ) handed it out to community mem- additions, and a tighter considera- bers, who learned a lot from it. tion to audience, this could be an CONCRETE WAVE, $4.95, Vol Excellent stuff. –Todd (1054 Center invaluable DIY resource. –Todd 3., No.1, 9 x 11, full color cover, St. Ste. 293, Thornhill , Ontario L4J (John Isaacson, 3022 Fulton St., glossy insides, 90 pgs. 8E5, Canada) Berkeley, CA 94705) In the spirit of full disclosure, Concrete Wave reprinted part of my CRACKS IN THE WALL ELK #7, $4, 5 ½ X 8 ½, book in their pages. That said, I’m #5, 4 ¼ X 5 ½, photocopied, 46 pgs. photocopied, color photocopy under no obligation to write about All cut and paste throughout, some cover, 66 pgs. this mag, but it’s one that I con- typed, some handwritten. Also, lots Art. It’s a conundrum. Some of it’s stantly read cover-to-cover. This of cartoons, both original and mod- great. Some of it’s shit, and very Canadian skate magazine is doing a ified versions of other people’s rarely can two people agree on 104 great job of bridging many gaps that work. A very creative look, well what’s what. This zine’s arty. It’s mostly photocopied pictures of ing the Orphans and LA’s most though. I wish they had gone more public, Ghosts follows their “char- photos, all juxtaposed together— over-looked and interesting land- in depth on the Watts Towers, and acters” through a variety of situa- like a picture of “Political Friends marks—The Watts Towers. the Orphans interview comes off as tions which in the end made me feel of Washington Irving” next to a They’re incredible. Simon Rodia a “What should I ask you?” “I don’t sorry for the characters and disap- Discharge 7” cover and a picture of emigrated from Italy, worked as a know, what do you want to ask pointed in the author. –Megan Jodie Foster skating adjacent to a cement mason, drank, went crazy, me?” kind of thing. I was hoping to (Love Bunni Press, 2622 Princeton picture of an expensive car sur- moved to Watts, sobered up, and read about the little hole-in-the- Rd, Cleveland Heights, OH 44118) rounded by a big building and an started building. The towers stand wall places I know are out there, or expansive parking lot. Sade sings ninety-nine feet tall at the highest to find out more about the places I GO METRIC!, #18, next to a Bukowski poem. Part of point. He sculpted them with no walk by every day. I was kind of let $2, 8 x 11, newsprint, 70 pgs. me just kinda shrugs. Part of me scaffolding, welding, bolts, or down, but hey, for free I know I’ll This zine is boobytitties. It has all wishes that the credit and explana- plans. It is the largest single work pick it up again. –Megan (Fran the typical shit in a zine and more. tions to the images were on the of art made by one man. Not only Magazine, 511 N. Kenmore Ave, There are clever articles contrasting same page instead of all compiled are the towers themselves amazing, Suite #103, LA, CA 90004) the Daredevil and Scooby Doo in endnotes at the back of the book. but the history around it is equally movies and a brilliant comparison Overall, Elk smacks a little of Davy fascinating. Watts had been a GHOSTS OF READY REFER- of Hamlet and Strange Brew. This Rothbart’s Found zine, but a little racially mixed neighborhood until ENCE, THE, #2, 3 stamps or trade, zine has a pop culture feel to it more deliberate in the sourcing and after the first World War. During 4 ¼ x 5 ½, 32 pgs. because of all the comic book and less playful. It’s worth flipping WW II, Japanese citizens were sent This is the second library-related movie articles. It also features inter- through, seeing if it piques your off to internment camps and their zine I came across, the first being views with Sgt. Major, the Fevers, interest, and guessing where the homes were sold as low income Library Bonnet. This one just left a and the Rock’n’roll Adventure pictures came from. -Todd (Jocko housing for the growing defense nasty taste in my mouth. (Fuck you, Kids. But my favorite article by far Weyland, 195 Powers St., industry, which drew an even larg- Dale.) Similarly to Library Bonnet, was the personal account of Dan Brooklyn, NY 11211) er black population to the area. Ghosts tells the stories of the many Paquin from Dirt Bike Annie Once the war was over, defense interesting characters that come remembering Dirtnap labelmates, FRAN, #6, free in Los Angeles, jobs vanished and unemployment through the library on a regular the Exploding Hearts. –Gabe Rock $3 by mail, 8 ½ x 11, 58 pgs. rose drastically in the area, leaving basis. Ghosts seems to take a slight- (Go Metric, 801 Eagles Ridge Rd, New-to-me zine about the city I’m a struggling black ghetto. During ly haughty approach to this. All the Brewster, NY 10509) calling home these days. Some of it the racially spurred Watts riots, instances seem to be looked on comes off as “you should’ve been while most of the city was in from a cold and condescending per- GRACKLE #2, $1, 4 x 5 ½, there…” jokes that I showed up flames, neighbors gathered around spective. They introduce the zine photocopied, about five minutes late for. Jokes the towers to protect them. The with a Cast of Characters that silkscreened cover, 28 pgs. about anything “entertainment,” community saw past racial bound- pigeonholes a woman suffering Grackle is a thoughtful, unassum- while very LA, go nowhere with aries to salvage not homes, nor from the effects of a stroke as “B- ing, and quick zine to read. me. What can I say? I don’t have businesses, but art. You just might O-B,” Bitter Old Bitch. Instead of Malinda, twenty-seven, goes to col- cable and I don’t really know who understand why if you get the funny anecdotes of the craziness lege, faces her fears straight on, and Hillary Duff is. Big points to cover- chance to see it. Back to the zine, that comes with working with the discovers a considerable amount of inner strength. What I like about Grackle is the zine-that’s-a-screenplay first. Does it matter? I lack of self-absorption (it is a personal zine, but don’t know. I felt like I got it. Either way I liked it’s more like stories told to a circle of friends it. In #3, there is a little bit of overlap that was instead of diary entries) and the lack of com- just a tad redundant, but by #4, it seems like she plaining and whining. It’s a mature, but by no hits the balance dead-on. The two perspectives means sterile, read. It’s scary being thrust into of the actual zine versus the screenplay of the new situations, not knowing if you’re going to events of the zine-making makes for some inter- fail miserably. Malinda captures this feeling esting out-of-body experience-type shit where well and she shares the opening of a new chap- you read events through both an outsider’s eyes, ter in her life. She finds herself not only doing then through the eyes of the person who went extremely well in school, finding an affinity for through it. The stories are awesome, like getting algebra, and she continues working on the dressed in office clothes and going to a building things in life that give her solace and reward. looking for an unsupervised copy machine to The cost? Time and dedication. The clincher steal copies from, only to end up getting hooked about this zine is that if someone handed it to on elevator rides. Another is about getting fired me and said, “It’s zine’s about a lady who gets from a toy store for making her own advertising into weightlifting and then decides to join a stickers for toys (i.e. “When I grow up, I wanna cycling team,” I’d be suspicious. But by reading get knocked up!”). Plus, Amy Adoyzie knows such an earnest and steady account—and seeing when you walk into a bar in skid row and order that, at the edges, this is a treatise on finding a beer, if the bartender asks if it’s to go, you hold your own path in life—Grackle’s a great read. back your confusion and order that beer to go –Todd (Malinda, 1703 Southwest Pkwy., just because you can. –Megan (Amy Adoyzie, Wichita Falls, TX 76302) PO Box 356,Van Nuys, CA 91408-0356)

IT’S ALL GRAVY, #6, $1.00, 4 ¼ x 5 ½, SLUG, Vol. 15, issue 185, photocopied, 26 pgs. Free, 8 x 11, color/news print, 39 pgs. Complete with plenty of pics and show reviews, Slug’s a fifteen-year veteran of the SLC under- this is an interesting glimpse into the ska/punk ground featuring interviews with Willem Dafoe scene in South/Central LA. Articles about back- (one of my favorite actors [Wild at Heart]), the yard concerts and shows in Tijuana, an interview Rapture, and Cattle Decapitation, book reviews, with local ska band ONK, some CD reviews, lots of local stuff, and the interview with T- and an article about the FBI’s mistreatment of model Ford is worth reading. If you sift through activist/revolutionary Sherman Austin are all the Salt Lake bong ads and shit like that, you got interesting reads. The best bit of all is a piece by some decent articles. Only thing is I can’t figure a girl complaining that she can’t go to a show out if I like or hate the CD reviews. –Gabe Rock without somebody grabbing her ass. After ranti- (Salt Lake Under Ground, 2225 S. 500 East Ste. ng about what she perceives as the death of fem- 206 SLC, UT 84106; <[email protected]>) inism, she tells all the guys, “being a boy-femi- nist is still cool. The chicks still dig it. And it SLUG AND LETTUCE, #79, still gets you mad pussy.” Now that’s some good Free, 11 x 14 ½, printed on pulp, 19 pgs. advice if I ever heard it. –Brian Mosher (Nick First of all, the print is way too small. I’m get- G., c/o Libros Rev., 312 W. 8th St., LA, CA ting a headache just thinking about reading this 90014; ) zine. On the other hand, there are lots of high quality drawings and cartoons. In addition to LIBRARY BONNET, reviews of underground music, Slug and #7, $2, 8 ½ x 5 ½, 32 pgs. Lettuce continues to focus on eco-friendly If you like your literary humor mixed with car- lifestyles. There are no articles in this issue that toons of teacups full of diarrhea, then this is for were particularly interesting to me, but they are you. One of my favorite zines to see in the mail, well written. At least I think they are; my eyes all dolled up in its sticker-y, glittery-ness. Once can’t quite make out all the tiny little letters. again Tommy and Julie give you a behind-the- –Brian Mosher (PO Box 26632, Richmond, scene look at the world of libraries that I want VA 23261-6632) to be part of. Psshaw to tightly wrapped buns and saggy pantyhose! I want to read the left- RANCID NEWS, # 6, 1 pound, 8 x 11, behind reports to learn “What Happens to Your glossy color cover, newsprint, 112 pgs. Head When You Fall at 20mph.” (Which appar- This zine features interviews with twenty-one ently is that “you can go retarded.”) I want to bands, including Planes Mistaken for Stars, make bags of beads all day and pass it off as Dillinger Escape Plan, Give Up the Ghost, and work, nay, as necessary work. This issue also Leatherface. Also music/zine reviews and sever- has an interview by Julie of Tommy, which is al columns. This zine also features articles about both endearing and funny. Plus, there’s oodles shoplifting, graffiti, CCTV, direct action and a of Tommy’s comics, which always make me protest guide. Judging by the cover, to look at it happy. (Tommy Kovac is a Slave Labor you would think it was your typical southern Graphics artist who has a new series, Autumn, California zine, but it isn’t. Sure, the ads and out now, too.) If they didn’t put their own gold layout look exactly the same but the content is stars on this one, I just may have had the mind very Euro, you bloody stink palm. I would rec- to do it myself. –Megan (Library Bonnet, 1315- ommend it. Even though it looks lame, it isn’t. I N. Tustin Ave #259, Orange, CA 92867) –Gabe Rock (Rancid News, PO Box 382, 456- 458 the strand, London, WC2R ODZ, England) LULULAND, #3 and 4, $3 for both, 5 ½ x 8 ½, 96 pgs. total for both. RIOT 77, #7, 3 Euros, 8 ½ x 12, glossy, 50 pgs. Bear with me, it makes sense. The first part is a The look and production quality of this are more screenplay about a girl making a zine. The sec- “magazine” than “zine”, but the writing and ond part is the zine that said girl in said screen- subject matter are much less polished. With play made. Apparently I got it all wrong, Marky Ramone as cover boy and interviews because I read the zine-that’s-a-zine, not the with the Supersuckers, Leatherface, punk graph- ic artist Alan Hynes, and more, know how old these fuckers are geographical) and solitude. He’s a ty and research chops. Who plus tons of CD, DVD, book and but they sent me a note on the back librarian in Wichita Falls, TX, would have thought that the jazz live show reviews, there’s plenty of a chemistry cheat sheet, there- slowly coming to grips and peace bassist, Charles Mingus had an of reading here to keep you busy fore I say they win the “Baddest with his surroundings without essay on the topic, too? All in all, for an evening. There’s also a Dudes Who Took the Chemistry giving in to them. Perhaps I have Thoughtworm seems much larger bunch of photos from live shows Exam” award. –Gabe Rock an affinity to what he’s writing, than twenty-eight pages and is the all over Ireland. It seems to all () since my life happened in reverse perfect antidote to all of those have been written by one guy, to his, in the respect that I was poorly edited and hastily tossed which is pretty impressive just TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS raised in a small desert town and together zines. Recommended. considering the volume of material WORTH OF JAW, 4 x 6, 48 pgs. moved to a big city, and he moved –Todd (Sean Stewart, 1703 there is here. –Brian Mosher (Riot This zine’s more of a short story from civilization to a desolate Southwest Pkwy., Wichita Falls, 77 Magazine, c/o Cian Hynes, 31 about jerking off. It begins with the burg full of right wing Christians. TX 76302; St. Patricks Park, Clondalkin, author’s memories of masturbating His outlook on his two years ) Dublin 22, Ireland; at the age of six and ending with there, after the shock of realizing ) masturbating in his grandma’s that he’s almost all alone wears TONES + NOTES, #1, $1 or shower with his thumb up his ass. off, is illuminating. In small town trade, 4 x 8 photocopied, 15 pgs. SILLY LITTLE TROUSER Perfect for somebody who likes life, there are two main paths to This zine is dedicated to “making MONKEES, #20, “pee and poo-poo jokes” on a short take. Giving in, getting an SUV, your own music: composing, 8 x 11, newsprint, 50 pgs. bus ride somewhere. If you have a frequenting chain restaurants, and arranging, notating, playing, I want to read a story about two sense of humor or have ever mas- praising God and the GOP with recording etc.” This is an intelli- kids who get drunk and try to make turbated, you will find this story bumper stickers or remaining gent, nerdy, and intricate zine out with girls. SLTM’s got it. It’s pretty funny and entertaining, so open to the bits of beauty that the geared towards other musicians. It also got a record label profile of get your thumb out of your ass and place doesn’t reveal easily. reminds me of a textbook because Hand Made Records, “Street Team check out the website. –Gabe Rock Thankfully, Sean sees the good, of its focus on subjects like “How Defined,” and “Bad Pick Up (Clint Heidorn, PO Box 6488, takes the rest with a huge hunk of to Improve Letter Notation.” It Lines” that weren’t funny. At first, Burbank, CA 91510; salt, and continues to write. This also takes an interesting look at I started reviewing this zine and I ) issue of Thoughtworm holds even copyright laws, reminding us that thought, “This is a crappy version more resonance for me because “Happy Birthday to You” is pro- of the Onion,” but parts of it were THOUGHTWORM #11, $2, there’s an essay where his memo- tected by law. If you are an anal funny, so I take it back. I liked the 5 ½ x 8 ½, photocopied, linoleum ry’s failing him—even if he looks retentive musician looking to geek reviews of fan groups (email lists, block print cover, 28 pgs. at pictures of himself—yet he has out with other serious musicians, I website and message boards) Thoughtworm is a quiet and strong palpable reactions and floods of strongly suggest you check this because I am a fucking dork. zine, written at a measured pace. memories by listening to older zine out. –Gabe Rock (Light There was some article called Although that may not sound like a albums. There’s also a great essay Living Library, PO Box 190-tn, “Betsy Ross Thinks You’re a huge recommendation, it is. The about his bold attempt to toilet Philomath, OR 97370) Bitch,” and I liked it. So now I author of it, Sean, is exploring the train his cats. It ends in shambles, want to fuck Betsy Ross. I don’t realms of isolation (both social and but I admire his methodic tenaci- Beggars of Life: A Hobo Autobiography ful, honest art that anyone has ever produced. Ever. by Jim Tully, 170 pages The people at Fantagraphics recognize this, and Years ago, I was living in Atlanta, working present the strips in this book with a great deal of nights in a bar and spending most of my days respect and an understanding that no publisher has reading and writing stories. One rainy day, I ever given to Schultz. The cover alone illustrates went down to the local library to get something this, with a dark, brooding picture of a grumpy to read. The library was full of homeless people. Charlie Brown. The layout and graphic choices are I guess they were there to get out of the rain, but excellent, giving the book a much darker feel than the librarian would kick out anyone who wasn’t the Peanuts collections printed on cheap newsprint actively using the library. So all these guys had that you could get at the drugstore when you were books, and they were reading. I walked around a kid. Also included are a great introduction by the tables of homeless guys, and some of those Garrison Keillor and a lengthy and informative guys had some pretty heavy books—I remember essay about Schultz’s life by David Michaelis. This one was reading Sartre—and their eyes were book is an absolute necessity for anyone who has a roaming back and forth over the lines of the heart and a brain. –Ben Snakepit (Fantagraphics books. It was a cool sight. I wanted to talk to Books, 7563 Lake City Way, Seattle WA 98115) them, to find the literature professor in the rough, to find the one homeless dude who knew Girls Who Bite Back: more about the classics than a hundred grad stu- Witches, Mutants, Slayers and Freaks dents put together. edited by Emily Pohl-Weary, 358 pages, When I got this review copy of Beggars of If you are really into Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Life, I thought back to that rainy Atlanta day this is the book for you. A compilation of essays, because the author, Jim Tully, was a “library fiction, and comics about female superheroes and bum.” He hopped trains and wandered around other characters, Girls Who Bite Back includes the Midwest, having some wild adventures and everything from commentary on possible Buffy always staying on top of his reading. His writing racism (with sentences like, “It is worth noting that reflects that. In some ways, he’s got that classic though Mr. Trick is a vampire, he maintains his nineteenth-century way of pinning philosophy Black identity.”) to fictional instant message con- on a bum the way Thoreau would find a depth of versations between girls with special powers thought in a lake in the woods. In other ways, he’s a Steven Crane knock- (“MoodyGrl: Have you met any other mutants on this site? Bullettrain69: off, always going for the raw, gritty, and real to nail home his themes. not so much muties as—well, this one girls’s kinda a mutant. She’s an Mostly, though, Tully is a great storyteller. He started hopping trains astral projector down in wisconsin. That’s as far as it goes—powers- when he was fourteen, and Beggars of Life, which was originally pub- wise—but she can do it every night.”). lished in 1924, follows his early years. Tully writes about working for a The basic theme here is feminist empowerment through the redefin- 500 lb. sideshow dancer, “Amy, the Beautiful Fat Girl,” who kept him in ing of female superheroes, which isn’t the worst idea, but it’s definite- booze and food as long as he operated her spotlight and told her stories. ly a post-modern, cultural studies sort of thing. For example, one of the He writes about the time he was travelling with a kid who’d had way too essays refers to Angelina Jolie as someone who has “forced a reconsid- hard of a time in juvie, and they got jumped by two railroad cops. Tully eration of what it means to be a valuable person.” (While reading this, and his friend left the cops handcuffed to a tree, and, for the rest of the I kept thinking of possible college courses: Superwoman: Slut or Hero? summer, hobos had a hell of a time travelling by train through those parts. Exploring the Female Action Figure, or Post-Modern Theories of Tully also talks about the clever ways he’d make money, like the time Identity: Storm vs. the X-Men Patriarchy). when he and his buddy were hired to vote repeatedly in a local Chicago In fairness, few of these essays are that over the top. And there is election. Tully has a funny style to his description, too. He’ll say things some good stuff in here, especially Elizabeth Walker’s essay on the his- like, “she poured me the drink. I tossed it down like a politician.” In that tory of girls in comics, which is the only piece in the book to take an way, you can see him as the predecessor to John Fante or Charles in-depth look at alternative comics, like Love & Rockets. Bukowski. The best parts of the book, though, come when Tully is just Unfortunately, the book meanders a bit too much for its own good, honest, like when he tells the story of a prostitute with whom he had a and after several essays about personal experiences with fatness and long affair, and who supported him for a while. She up and left one day, mental illness, plus some insults thrown at Annie (my childhood and all Tully can do is write out his story and end up by saying, “I hope favorite movie), the theme starts to disintegrate—which is unfortunate, greatly that she may read these lines.” because a few of these essays put together could make one decent zine. Apparently, Beggars of Life is the first of five books that Tully wrote –Maddy (Sumach Press, 1415 Bathurst St., Suite 202, Toronto, Ontario, about his hobo days. AK Press has done us all a great service by putting Canada, M5R 3H8) this back into print. I only hope that they follow it up with his other four books. –Sean (AK Press, 674 A 23rd St., Oakland, CA 94612) Hairstyles of the Damned by Joe Meno, 270 pages The Complete Peanuts: 1950-1952 When you have a novel about an angry, disenfranchised white kid by Charles M. Schultz, 343 pages. coming of age, it’s impossible to avoid comparing it to Catcher in the On October 2, 1950, a new comic strip appeared in the funny pages Rye. So here goes. Hairstyles of the Damned is similar to Catcher in the of newspapers all over America. It was called Peanuts, and at first glance, sense that the main character is a witty, tough and vulnerable anti-hero it was a typical four-panel comic strip about some little kids jumping rope who you come to love by the end of the book. Unlike Catcher, though, and playing jacks and going swimming and stuff. But upon closer inspec- you can be over the age of twenty and still love Hairstyles of the Damned. tion, these kids were some pretty serious characters, telling little jokes The novel tells the story of Brian, an outcast who’s desperately in love that spoke volumes about humanity and humility. Peanuts, of course, with his best friend, Gretchen, but also afraid to let her know. Gretchen is became world-famous over the next half century, and over time the char- a mean and lovable punk rock girl, and I spent most of the novel waver- acters became homogenized parodies of themselves, and now you can’t ing between hoping she and Brian would get together and hoping Brian go anywhere in the world without seeing Snoopy toothbrushes and would stay as far away from her as possible. Beyond the crush, the novel Charlie Brown Christmas sweaters. But when you go back to the strip’s goes into all the relevant themes of growing up in modern times: sex, sex- humble beginnings, you can see what an incredible genius Schultz was. uality, race relations, family breakdowns, and the overwhelming feeling His characters could convey deep, powerful messages often expressed in of being all alone. The events of the second half of the novel revolve metaphors, sometimes presented bluntly at face value. Charlie Brown was around a segregated prom at a Chicago high school in 1991—something a lovable anti-hero who always failed at whatever he attempted, and peo- that really happened, and Meno deals with the issue in an insightful and ple everywhere could relate and sympathize. In a way, Charles Schultz sophisticated manner. Mostly, though, this book is like group therapy for invented emo kids five years before rock and roll even came along. This anyone who was a disaffected loner in high school, and for any- book chronicles every Peanuts comic ever drawn during the first two one who found a way out through punk rock. This book will years of its existence, in chronological order. It’s hilarious. It’s heart- crack you up and break your heart. It’s highly recommended. 110 breaking. Most importantly, it’s some of the most beauti- –Sean (Punk Planet Books, 4229 N. Honore, Chicago, IL 60613) American Punk, VHS fact that Bad Religion’s take on the punk directed by Dave Lawler template, which was what made them Fun stories and good times with archive unique, has been beaten into the fucking footage and talking heads speaking about ground by tons of lesser bands (some on the bands Triple Bypass, The Shy Guys, Bad Religion’s own label) in the fifteen and New York pop punk in general. I’ll years since the performances here check out the music from the bands then I occurred. They were a good band, and it’s might be more into it, as it’s a lot of the a damn shame that the new kids to the usual stories for 122 minutes. Already- scene will never fully understand why fans should jump on it right away. Other they were so special. Ah, but even if their bands in there include Dirt Bike Annie and luster has been diminished by countless The Ergs. –Speedway Randy (KLM Ltd., clones, the ferocity of this band at its best ) still packs a mean wallop. –Jimmy Alvarado (Epitaph, 2798 Sunset Blvd. Antiseen, 20th Year Los Angeles, CA 90026) Anniversary Show, DVD together and unleashed their full return to their Self-described “destructo rock” has present and hardcore roots, the album Suffer. While that Chicago Blackout, DVD past members of the band performing live. album paled in comparison to HCHBAW, it did Awesome video comp of the 2003 show. Most of Thirty-four songs and solid video production. show promise (a promise I think they have never the time the video and audio are both great. You can hear the bones cracking on stage from quite fully realized in the ensuing years, but hey, Yeah, it’s more fun to be there, but you weren’t. age not fury. I kept waiting unfulfilled for a body they’re rich now and I digress) and it gave them And now it’s done but saved for posterity. In slam or at least a cage match. –Speedway Randy an excuse to go out and tear shit up live once general, two to three songs are shown for the (TKO Records) again. Living in their hometown, I saw them opening bands and seven or more for the head- many times during the Suffer period, and they liners over the three day “fest.” Chicago’s own Bad Religion: Along the Way, DVD were quite the rejuvenated unit during that peri- Functional Blackouts live up to their recording, Way back when, back before they and their hair- od, as evidenced in this collection of twenty-six dirty garage with power, a band that should have lines went “into the unknown,” I really liked tunes, recorded in fourteen European cities dur- good things coming to them. The Black Lips go Bad Religion. Their How Could Hell Be Any ing that era of the band’s career. Once you get junior high nuts for three songs, including Worse LP (hereafter referred to as HCHBAW) past the annoying cuts from one performance to impressive vomiting while playing, leading to remains, in my opinion, one of the best hardcore the next that occur unrelentingly throughout hitting the strings with the ol’ dick. Good times, albums ever released and decades after I first each song, you see a band in their prime, blast- good times. The snake charming of the Lips is heard it, it has managed to remain on my ing through each song with precision and con- the precursor to the church of The Lost Sounds, playlist. After they sank into prog rock hell for viction. The tunes, both old and new, blend who might be the hardest working band today. one album (which could’ve easily been titled seamlessly into a solid set of rapid fire, driving Alicja, Jay, and crew swap instruments and bang How Could Emerson, Lake and Palmer Be Any hardcore that isn’t afraid of a good pop hook and out some of their best songs. There is always Worse?) and returned with two members intact the clear, “off the board” sound ensures every hope for rock and roll while the Sounds are to record another, mediocre “punk” EP, they syllable uttered can be comprehended. Watching active. The Hunches do a beautiful show of finally wrangled the remaining stray members this, one can’t help but feel a little sad about the falling apart, and the Tyrades destroy whatever is left over, in one of the few downers of the band presented performs one song (hopefully as Rock’n’Roll High School, or the even more disc—not enough Tyrades. But there is enough their best) in a live setting to give the viewer a obscure Ice Cream Man? That’s fucking bril- of The Spits, the world’s first, last, and funnest chance to see said band in action; b) the Decline liant, man. The clincher as to why I came to this rock band. Now I do wish I was there. At least of Western Civilization route, wherein a small conclusion? Word has it that Eugene is in devel- they’re my action figures now, playing whenev- cross section of bands/scenesters typical of the opment of his next episode, featuring a character er I want them to. Only bad performances are Michigan underground music scene are show- that goes by the name of “Lembot.” And yeah, from FM Knives and A-Frames, because the cased, with enough performance time and it’s exactly what you’re thinking it is. Here’s audio is crappy on their parts. Other good per- insightful interviewing allotted for each to pro- hoping the Cartoon Network gets its shit togeth- formances are Feast of Snakes, Hot Machines, vide some insight into what makes the er and gets in touch with Eugene sometime soon. Hard Feelings, Little Killers, The Penetrators, band/scene tick. Sadly, neither was chosen, nor Bloody Holly Lives! –Designated Dale (eugen- and Clone Defects. –Speedway Randy (Todd was any other possible option that would’ve [email protected]) Killings c/o Horizontal Action, 2222 Main St. made this better, and the viewer is worse off for Evanston, IL 60202) it. –Jimmy Alvarado (www.acutestrecords.com) Scumrock, VHS directed by Jon Moritsugu The Michigan Independent, DVD Rock‘n’Roll B-Movie Monsters, VHS If you know Jon Moritsugu’s name, you know You know, I’m all for scene documenting, but “Go Go Johnny Kill!” you’re in for good shit. He’s directed films like sometimes it just seems like the effort is a bit Man, I’m fucking telling you, the state of Texas Fame Whore, Mod Fuck Explosion, Terminal pointless when the result seems more like an (not counting the Bush family) never ceases to U.S.A. and Der Elvis. His productions live up to afterthought than a labor of love. Let’s use this amaze me with the fantastic things it continues truly underground DIY expectations. Scumrock DVD as an example. On the front cover is a to churn out. I happened to bump into a super uses low-end equipment to achieve an old huge list of bands and organizations, all of nice guy online from Austin recently, Eugene school atmosphere without irony, as the story whom are ostensibly from Michigan. I’m look- Romero, who has been creating his own brand of calls for it. Following an earnest filmmaker, his ing at said list and I’m thinkin’, “Wow, they sure cartoons for a while now, the Rock‘n’Roll B- ultra-cute assistant and a “scumrock” band, crammed a lot of stuff onto this. I wonder how Movie Monsters. This episode features the mon- Moritsugu uses analog Hi8 video and VHS edit- they pulled it off.” Then I popped the disc into sters overthrowing a now-evil Clint Howard, ing to explore the art/film/music world of no- the player and saw how they did it: there’s not who’s attempting to take over dance halls and budget existence dreaming of punk immortality. one complete performance to be found any- turn the patrons into mindless dance zombies. The people are ones you know, talented and where on this. Interspersed between the perfor- And just how do our monsters wage war with the motivated, searching for a way to get noticed or mance snippets are interviews with assorted Eaglebauer has-been? By creating a super- fit into the big picture. The shots are sometimes musicians and scenesters, which provide little, if human Johnny Ramone in the lab, whose loud spacey—close-ups of those little shiny things any, insight into what the Michigan scene being guitar will lay waste to those who cross him. that attract your attention and make you have documented is like. Add onto this some pretty Without ruining the whole episode, I must give crushes. The home movie feel fits so well I terrible sound, some pointless “bonus footage” big props to Eugene and declare him the king of thought I was actually at the party. Deservedly and a trailer and you’ve got yerself fifty wasted all that is cartoon cool for a few reasons: He won best feature at the 2002 Chicago minutes. The people responsible for this works images of the Ramones, Motörhead, Underground and 2003 New York could’ve taken one of two routes and the result- Black Flag, and Social D. into a cartoon. That’s Underground film fests. –Speedway ing film would’ve been infinitely more interest- plain badass. But someone who includes refer- Randy (Apathy Productions, PO Box ing: a) the Urgh! A Music War route, with each ences to Clint Howard’s inclusion in films such 62015, Honolulu, HI 96839)