was at a state university in southern California, talking four-foot-tall shower, all so he could afford to help open to a literature professor. Since I didn’t want to be up the zine store/art space Needles and Pens; and to hear IIbogged down in small talk, I figured I could talk about Joe say again and again how these little reading tours were books with her. I asked her, “What’s the last thing you our way of recreating the old ‘80s punk rock tours by read that got you really excited?” getting in the van and bringing underground books to “Oh, I don’t read for pleasure,” she said. “When I get people who have an appetite for them. home, I just watch TV.” The icing on the cake came in Seattle, when Joe and I Because I’m a writer, this comment really stung. If were hanging out in front of Confounded Books and this even literature professors don’t read, then who does? guy came up to us and said, “I’m so excited you guys are Books and zines mean the world to me, and for a minute, I here. This is like my Wrestlemania!” Any bad feelings I wondered if I was the only person left who felt this way. may have had or any remnants of the mundane tour week earlier, I’d been on a reading tour with three malaise were wiped away with that one little comment. of my favorite living writers: Mike Faloon, Joe For the rest of the tour, whenever people would ask us AAMeno, and Razorcake’s own Todd Taylor. Joe was how it was going, we’d say, “Fucking great! This guy in out doing readings to promote his new book, Hairstyles of Seattle said we were like his Wrestlemania!” the Damned. Todd was out supporting his new book, Born I should probably add that there were only two more to Rock. Mike was out to bring the glory that is Go Metric! days on the tour after Seattle. Between Joe and me, we to the west coast. And me, I was out doing readings mostly told the story another dozen times in those two days. so that I could hang out more with Mike, Todd, and Joe. hen the tour ended, and I got back to work, which is Also, I was excited to have the chance to share a stage—or what led me to talking to that literature professor really just some floor space in the front of bookstores— TTwho doesn’t read and who made me suddenly feel with them and to watch them read every night. like I’m the only one in the world who cares about all this It was great to be able to spend days listening to stuff. But then I remembered the Wrestlemania guy in music and talking about books with guys who share Seattle, and all the people I met and/or hung out with on similar passions; to go to places like Portland’s zine tour. And, of course, I thought about the thousands of mecca, Reading Frenzy; to help Confounded celebrate people who read each issue of this zine. All I could think their tenth anniversary; to listen to Andrew in San was, I love this little underground. Francisco tell stories of sleeping with rats and bathing in a –Sean AD DEADLINE AD SIZES • We don’t reserve ad space. FOR ISSUE #23 • Full page, 7.5” wide, 10” tall. • If we need to invoice you, we October 1st, 2004 • Half page, 7.5” wide, 5” tall. won’t run your ad until we have AD DEADLINE • Quarter page, 3.75” the cash on hand, so make those FOR ISSUE #24 wide, 5” tall. arrangements before the ad December 1st, 2004 • Sixth page, 2.5” wide, 5” tall. deadline. • Please make all checks out to • This isn’t the most interesting Email Razorcake. part of the magazine. You [email protected] • We now accept electronic ads. should check out a column or for rates and full details. • All ads are black and white. something. Cover designed by Doug Barker; [email protected] • Cover photos by Todd Taylor Contact Razorcake: Sean <[email protected] or Todd <[email protected]> Thank you list: I guess I shoulda gotten your permission first thanks to Toby and Nothing says class like champagne, Carla for appearing on this here page; stand clear of 50-year-old women on watermelon, and a kiddie pool. esctacy, grinding her “vortex” on kids at a show thanks to Julia Smut for her expert computer eyeballs help with the cover. As an added bonus, she also did the TV Carnage layout; Yoda Pez!—Man, I’m going to have some bloody sex tonight! thanks to Chris Larson’s illustration in Ayn’s column; Artist’s rendition of Norb’s buttocks thanks to Terry Rentzepis for his illustrations in said column; He-yah! Karate chop to the neck thanks to Kiyoshi Nakazawa for his cartoon in Sean’s column; Touch the Stylophone gently and it will purr for you thanks to Randy Iwata for all the digital wrangling in Nardwuar’s column; Caught him in a tender, vulnerable moment thanks to Larry Hart for the picture in Jim Ruland’s column; The Vice President’s a dick, literally, thanks to Rob Ruelas for his illustration in Jimmy’s column; Blood, bullets, and headless torsos thanks to Keith Rosson for his illustrations in Todd’s article; “Did you know that Captain Eo was written and directed by Francis Ford Coppolla?” thanks to Kat Jetson for her Geisha Girls interview; additional thanks to the Geisha Girls for round robin-ing their mugshots; Four strings on a bass is one too many thanks to Aphid Peewit for his Midnight Evils interview; Break a bottle and charge the audience—a hostile city thanks to Jeff Clayton for the Bad Vibes interview; additional, “uhh, we wouldn’t have photos without your help” thanks to Larry Kay; It’s all too often like a digital version of walking in on someone beating off thanks to all of our record reviewers—Puckett, Brian Mosher, Jason K., Speedway Randy, Donofthedead, Aphid Peewit, and Cuss Baxter; Although some college literature professors shun the written word, unless they’re paid to care, thanks to Gabe Rock and Brian Mosher for zine reviews. Issue #23 Dec. 2004 / Jan. 2005 PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 56 www.razorcake.com COLUMNS 4 Designated Dale I’m Against It 7 Art Fuentes Shizzville 8 Seth Swaaley Swinging Door Conversations 12 Liz O. Guerrilla My Dreams 14 Sean Carswell A Monkey to Ride the Dog 16 Maddy Tight Pants Shiftless When Idle 46 18 Gary Hornberger Squeeze My Horn 20 The Rhythm Chicken The Dinghole Reports 24 Jim Ruland Lazy Mick 62 66 26 Nørb, Love, Nørb 32 Nardwuar The Human Serviette Who Are You? 38 Jeff Fox, I Hate a Parade 41 Ben Snakepit Snakepit 43 Chrystaei Branchaw’s Photo Page INTERVIEWSANDFEATURES 44 The Ergs by Megan Pants 50 Ken Dirtnap by Todd Taylor 58 Loud Pipes by Wez Lundry 76 64 Balzac by Donofthedead 70 Modern Machines by Maddy Tight Pants 74 Wednesday Night Heroes by who? 79 Dan Monick’s Photo Page REVIEWS 82 Record Dance Dance Revolution Looks Like It’s Got a New Soundtrack Band 104 Zines Teacups Full of Diarrhea 110 Books Superwoman: Slut or Hero? 111 Videos Hitting the Strings with the Ol’ Dick Individual opinions expressed within are not necessarily those of Razorcake/Gorsky, Inc. Razorcake is distributed by Big Top Newstand Services, 2729 Mission St., Ste.201, SF, CA 94110, [email protected] Razorcake/ Gorsky, Inc. Board of Directors are: Todd Taylor, Sean Carswell, Dan Clarke, Katy Spining, Leo Emil Tober III Razorcake and www.razorcake.com are put together by Sean Carswell, Todd Taylor, Josh Lane, Megan Pants, Skinny Dan, ktspin, and Felizon Vidad Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the US. Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00 bulk rate or $21.00 first class mail. Plus you get some free shit. These prices are only valid for people who live in the US and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for everyone else (because we have to pay more in postage). Write us and we’ll give you a price. Prisoners may receive free single issues of Razorcake solely via Left Bank Books, 92 Pike St., Seattle, WA 98101, who have a book-for-prisoners program. Want to dis- tribute Razorcake in the United States? The minimum order is five issues. You have to prepay. For $10.00, you’ll receive five copies of the same issue, sent to you when we do our mailout to all of our distros, big and small. Email <[email protected]> for all the details. OO AATT EERR PP MM II 9900880033 NN AAYY It was pure, sexy, evil. JUST A NOTE: The following story is entirely place I could—in the trashed bedrooms of love to once again be spilled upon. Let’s meet at fictional. I mention this as I’ve been accused of strange boys, in the seedy backs of bars. I had The Albion at nine. –Ace” having affairs with my own fictional characters been through a miserable string of affairs and We met at the bar and the first thing he did in the past but am not, at this time, capable of felt hollow as an empty bottle. My soulless beer- was produce a beer from behind his back and this unholy feat.