sign in sign up
<<
Home , Audio Visuals, Barnaby Edwards, Bernice Summerfield, Blink (Doctor Who), Borusa, Castellan (Doctor Who)

Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 Where Do You Go When All The Love Has Gone?

Those are lyrics that I have just made up. I’m sure you’ll agree that I’m up there with all the modern musical geniuses, such as Prince, Stevie Wonder, Eric Clapton and Justin Bieber. But where am I going with this? I have an idea and it WILL make sense. Or so I hope…

The beauty with is that even when the 13 weeks worth of episodes have gone, we don’t need to cry and mourn for its disappearance (or in my case – ran off without a word and never contacted me again). There are all sorts of commodities out there that we can lay our hands on and enjoy. (I’m starting to regret making this analogy now, as the drug-crazed aliens from : Children of Earth would have been a better comparison!) The sheer size of Doctor Who fandom is incredibly huge and you’ll always be able to pick up something that’ll make you feel the way you do when you’re stuck in the middle of an episode. (This fanzine is akin to Love and Monsters than Empty Child/ Dances, to be honest!) Whether it be a magazine, book, DVD, audiobook, toy (they ARE toys btw), convention, podcast or even a fanzine, it’s all out there for us to explore and enjoy when a series ends, so we’ve no need to get upset and pine until Christmas!

And wasn’t Series 5 (or whatever you want to call it) just superb? I can be quite smug here and say that I was never worried about nailing the role of The Doctor. He had me sold a minute into his first appearance in ‘The End of Time’ and the resulting months were spent on the interweb, shaking my head at children’s and other (older) people’s comments about ‘how nobody can replace David’ and variations of ‘who is Matt Smith’. At times I felt like telling these people to piss off and watch the dumbed- soaps that they’re so used to, but as fans of Doctor Who (and not any particular actor!) it’s up to us to protect the show and re-educate people, if needs be! It was extremely funny to read people’s comments after The Eleventh Hour though!

I’m not really going to go into the series, as we’ve got reviews elsewhere in these pages. But I believe that we’re in safe hands for years to come. Big thanks (again) to and the team at Cardiff for breathing new life into the program we love. Let’s hope it doesn’t go away any time soon. Or indeed, run off without a word.

You would have thought that with Series 5 being such a success, that the press would get behind the program. Apart from being insanely popular over here, the show is gaining in popularity all over the world and doing the reputation of British drama a world of good. This isn’t good enough for our tabloid press though, who for some reason aren’t prepared to celebrate success and like to knock it, make up lies and generally take enjoyment in placing people at a discomfort. No names named, but when you base your news around the X Factor and Big Brother rejects, it’s hardly surprising to find that journalists have no taste. It’s worrying to see the affect these bastards (the most apt word for them) have on the public with just one news item (and I’m not just talking about Doctor Who anymore, by the way!)

2 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 It’s not something that I’ll normally comment on, but I’ve been really worried at people’s reactions to some of these stories. All I can say is just to take rumours about the show with a JCB-sized pinch of salt, as the majority of them are nicked off various message boards, after being made up by somebody, anyway! Their articles are written to get a reaction - just laugh it off. No doubt the Doctor Who team down at Cardiff do!

Keep the faith and roll on Christmas (actually maybe not - I’ve not saved anything up!)

Danny

This edition of Fish Custard Fanzine was sponsored by The Torchwood Institute (we’ve no idea what they do, but boy aren’t they sexy?)

Editor: Daniel Gee

Contributors: Martin Marshall, Emma Donovan, Thomas Cookson, Grant Bull, Elizabeth Peloso, Richard Wiggins, Frank Collins, Patrick Riley, Tim Drury, Stephan Black, Thomas Spychalski, Steven Sautter, Steve James and Davide Dickinson

Front Cover Photo: Andrew Murray Back Cover Art: Carly Jones

Special Thanks To: Nicolas Blake, Martin Marshall & Alex Giles

For Nic x

The views/images contained in this fanzine are those of the contributors and not necessarily of Fish Custard Fanzine. So think twice before you send in abuse, writs and bungs. (In fact, the latter is ok by us).

If you would like to contribute anything to future issues of the fanzine, please drop a line, or preferably an e-mail, to [email protected] or on Twitter – www.twitter.com/fishcustardzine or on Facebook (search ‘Fish Custard Fanzine’). You can also visit our blog site, which is regularly updated with information, news and other Fish Custard-stuff at www.fishcustardfanzine.co.uk

3 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2

PARADISE FIVES

5 Annoying, Overused and Untrue 5 Actors Who Would Make A Great Statements Used, When Talking Doctor About Doctor Who • David Morrissey • “I hid behind the sofa” • • “Wobbly sets” • Harry Sedgewick • “It was rubbish in the 80’s” • Jack Davenport • “It’s for kids” • Patterson Joseph • “David is THE best Doctor” 5 Names The NEW Have Been Called 5 Things That The Sun Newspaper Is Good For • iDaleks • Teletubbies • Sport • Skittles • Page 3 (sometimes) • Cash Cows • Free telly magazine every Saturday • Shit • Laughable articles • Burning 5 Doctor Who People I Follow On Twitter

5 Better Reads Than Tabloid • Newspapers • • • Satanic Verses • • The Da Vinci Code • Steven Moffat • The Bible • The Twilight Saga 5 Steven Moffat Series’ • Fish Custard Fanzine • • 5 Things That Will NOT Happen In • Coupling Series 6/32 of Doctor Who • Jekyll • Sherlock • More than half the stories will be set off Earth 5 Crimes Harry Sedgewick Has Been • ..and they will have NO human Arrested For element in them whatsoever • An old Doctor will NOT appear… • Fraud • There’ll be a 3-part story • Impersonating • will write an episode • Bribery • Loitering outside a ladies toilet • Assault

4 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING BORROWED AND SOMETHING BLUE… The Series 5 Review

To be that little bit different (as well as extremely awkward) we asked our contributors to write us some 300 word reviews of series 5…

The True Purpose of the Pandorica that, seem too smart – they wouldn’t take chances, not where their greatest Another series of Doctor Who has come enemy is concerned. Then, it hit me. and gone and I have to say that I have were lying to The Doctor thoroughly enjoyed it. Even the weaker and probably even the rest of their episodes were good fun and, thanks to temporary allies when they told him that the overall linking narrative of the they would save the universe “cracks in space/time” there were no themselves. They knew all too well that wasted episodes. Only one thing slightly they would not be able to do so. bothered me in the wonderful finale. I Nevertheless, that didn’t mean that they couldn’t help wondering why the couldn’t take advantage of the situation. Pandorica should have a Restoration Field within it at all. I mean, obviously, Instead of saving the universe it had to have one so that existence themselves, or simply standing by and could be saved – but why would the letting The Doctor do what he does best, Daleks and their ‘Coalition of Evil’ the Daleks came up with something build one? terribly dangerous and risky but so daring you have to admire it. They gave Was it simply to increase the torture of The Doctor the means to save the The Doctor, lengthening his already universe but only in such a way that he long life? No. These new Daleks, while would have to remove himself from certainly being malicious enough for space and time altogether. It was a

5 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 scheme that could only be founded upon importance in this season and I can an utter conviction that one’s greatest honestly say I enjoyed them all for what enemy is infallible. If he had failed, they they give individually and to the bigger were dead. But, if he succeeded – as picture. It has been a season of new with they knew he would – they lived. Free. several charming nods to the old, there Now, that’s diabolical ingenuity. have been laughs, shocks and even tears (I admit it!) and I can’t wait for more!  MARTIN MARSHALL  GRANT BULL Season Perfect Stepping Into Tennant’s Converse Season 5, Season 31, Season Fnarg… call it what you what but personally I So, a review of Series 5 of the rebooted will be calling it ‘Season Perfect’, for Doctor Who… me not since Season 14 has Doctor Who been so strong. One of the main reasons A new Doctor. A new . A is Matt Smith, my God he is amazing! new TARDIS. A new writer. A new David Tennant wanted to play the theme song. A new logo. Doctor; this man was meant to play the Doctor. He shines throughout and shines My main questions when sitting down to a brilliant bright - His mannerisms are a watch The Eleventh Hour (broadcast all joy to watch, the subtle gestures with his the way back on 3rd April, I was only hands are intriguing, you can’t help but just out of hospital after a nasty bout of watch him, you don’t know what he will appendicitis) were: Why did you have to do next or how, the Doctor feels alien leave, David Tennant? Didn't you realise again! reason for the that you lit up my life every week with perfectness of this season is Steven your sideburns and strange way of Moffat, this as we know is his dream having every single character fancy job, no doubt he planned this season for you? years in his head biding his time and how he delivered. It’s a season of Ahem. I was also wondering how balance; it keeps momentum like a long Stephen Moffat, writer of the most distance runner, and then explodes at the interesting stories of the past few end over the finish line (that sounded seasons, would fare as the main writer. good in my head!) The Eleventh Hour And if Matt Smith was in any way fit to for me was perfect as were Time of step into David Tennant's Converse. Angels/ and /The Big Bang, Moffat So, thirteen episodes on and I have the at his timey-wimey best. The answer to all my questions. Tennant had ‘Something borrowed…’ moment in to leave because Smith's Doctor is The Big Bang was magical writing amazing. Youthful looking yet with a simply Genius. Its plain to see the care truly ancient soul behind those eyes, he and craft that has been put into this played the role perfectly, without all the season, nothing nailed on at over-the-top shouty-ness that Ten minute, all planned and perfectly degenerated into. Stephen Moffat as the executed. Even the lesser episodes have main writer excelled himself with a

6 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 brilliant Weeping Angels two-parter and another, culminating ultimately in the the best season finale I have ever seen, Big Bang. Our Doctor, during these on any programme. made thirteen stories, is always running to me cry. Rory's devotion to Amy made catch up as events constantly get ahead me fall in love with him just a bit. Amy of him - having to think in triple time - firmly kicked Rose's whiny ass to frustrated by fishy vampires, frightened become easily the second best by Weeping Angels, flummoxed by the companion (no-one beats Donna!). And Dream Lord, and utterly, endearingly, as to my Converse remark? Well, is flustered by . Tennant fit to wear Smith's ?! (I still love you though, Tennant!) This, to me, turned out to be the biggest appeal of the series - that our beloved All in all, best series (and Doctor) so far. Doctor, like us, never quite knew what Though the less said about Chris was coming next. He had to think fast Chibnall the better! and improvise, which meant that we viewers also had to be belles on our toes  EMMA DONOVAN in order to keep up (after all, he was making perfect sense). He didn’t know Frustrated, Frightened, Flummoxed what was around the next corner. He and Flustered wasn’t a confident guy with a plan; instead, he had twenty minutes and a “Twenty minutes to save the world, and shut post office, and, for our new I’ve got a post office. And it’s shut.” - Doctor, that was more than enough! The Doctor in The Eleventh Hour  ELIZABETH PELOSO From the very beginning of Season (yes, fine, ok… Series) Five, our new Doctor That Old Magic is caught on the hop. He and the TARDIS are still regenerating, little When everyone mentions Series 5, they Amelia has suddenly become grown-up mention the word ‘new’, but is Amy, apparently Prisoner Zero has everything really that different? Yes, escaped (who knew?!), the good ol’ we have a new Doctor, new has a meltdown, and companion(s), TARDIS set and there are, in fact, no ducks in the duck production team, but that old magic pond. Oh, and the Earth is about to be behind the show that pulls in people of incinerated… again. By the end of the all ages, to tune in every week, is still episode, the Doctor has saved the Earth there. In fact - it’s probably improved (huzzah!), but he still has the oddest under this new regime! twinge that nothing is quite what it seems. The Eleventh Hour was just perfect. What a wonderful opener to this ‘new’ His intuition proves disconcertingly era for Doctor Who. Has there been a accurate throughout his subsequent better debut story for a Doctor? Seeing adventures as Moffat (bless his heart) Matt Smith just pop his head above the leads his Doctor and us, the eager TARDIS and ask for an apple, just audience, through one twist after deleted any doubts about his ability to

7 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 play The Doctor. I honestly believe it’s best comic timing I’ve seen for a while. a natural role for him - watching him in I was really glad to see Rory come interviews, you can just see his daft aboard the TARDIS at the end of the mannerisms flying about the place! series.

I thought it was a nice touch to have a The series did have it’s stinkers – The younger Amy included in the series, as story was a little bit too short for it at least offered some backstory to a me (should have been a two-parter) and character (the older Amy) that we’ve these new Daleks aren’t anything but a only just met. I felt she improved marketing ploy, surely? But otherwise, throughout the series and I think next it was an excellent start to Steven year will see bigger and better Moffat’s era. performances from . And as the team get used to their roles However, my favourite character from on the show - it can only get better! the series was Rory. The casting for Doctor Who is always very good, but  STEVE JAMES where did they find Arthur Darvill? An absolutely fantastic actor, who has the

Stop press…2011 Series

Recently, Doctor Who Executive Producer, Steven Moffat, announced that Series 6 (2011 series) would be broadcast over the entire year, with 7 episodes from Easter and the remaining 6 from Autumn onwards. In between there will be an ‘earth shattering climax’ to wet our appetites.

We received two differing views on this news, just prior to the release of this issue…

My Reasons to be really excited (and scared) about Doctor Who in 2011

We’ve all heard the news, Doctor Who in 2011 is to be split into two segments. That means that both series six and seven will be aired next year, although there has been no suggestion that there will be any increase in the number of episodes made.

”The wrong expression would be to say we are splitting it in two. We are making it two separate series.” – Steven Moffat

Series six will be seven episodes long ending with a huge cliff-hanger, then series seven will be six episodes long with an extra opening episode and finale, doubling the amount of ‘event’ episodes in the year. It seems to me that Moffat has done this, to get past the mid-series lull that is usually seen in TV ratings across the board, not just in Doctor Who.

I think it is a great idea, it will be effective in doubling the amount of interest in the show, with increased press coverage and large amounts of speculation between series from both fans and casual viewers alike.

8 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 The other great news that everybody seems to have overlooked is that Moffat has confirmed Rory to be present throughout series 6/7 (rather then jumping off the TARDIS in Christmas 2010). He mentions his plans to make both Amy and Rory endure his ‘massive cliff-hanger.’ I like the fact that they are keeping Rory rather then just making him another throw away character.

I only have a couple of questions that are worrying me, firstly, if series 6/7 of Doctor Who is twice as epic, will smaller scale episodes like ‘’ be sidelined to make way for ‘end of the world/universe/time/Doctor’ stories?

Secondly, will we have to buy two box sets or will series 6/7 come as one?

Whatever happens, I think Doctor Who is in very safe hands Matt, Karen, Arthur and Moffat are geniuses and should certainly be able to pull of the most jam-packed year of Doctor Who ever!

 RICHARD WIGGINS

Event Television? My Arse!

Why does EVERYTHING have to be an event now? A Premiere and a Finale? I don’t understand. Why can’t they just whack on the episodes and let us watch them, without a feeling that you’re watching something that was knocked back by FOX because it was ‘a bit good’?

I’m proud of Doctor Who. It was something different to other television shows out there. That’s exactly what makes it stand out. Doctor Who doesn’t need to be like everything else in this corporate, identikit-age, where everything HAS to be the same. Why can’t we dare to show any individuality anymore? Programs in the US do this with their ‘seasons’, so why should Doctor Who? Next they’ll be slowing down the pace of an episode, so BBC Worldwide can sell the program abroad, with ready-made advert breaks…

I’m just dumbfounded by it all. Does the television industry think that we’re so thick that we can’t just sit down and watch 13 episodes of something without any gimmick attached to it? The classic series had all their best episodes stuck in the middle of a run anyway. I’m not saying that I would like to end on something akin to ‘’, I just want to see something different to these ‘event episode’ every year. People will point to the fact that ‘event television’ makes people excited, isn’t Doctor Who coming back not exciting enough? The ‘story-arc’ idea was a wonderful concept to begin with, but I wish they give it a rest for a couple of years, as it’s becoming repetitive and boring.

The cynical in me would point the finger at the BBC and their recent budget cuts, which may have forced the hand of the production team. Then there’s the fact Moffat is working on Sherlock and the rumoured switch to Autumn, for the 2012 series because of the Olympics. I personally think it’s a mix of all 3, I don’t believe for a minute that this was all Moffat’s idea.

If it means a better series, then fair enough. I actually think the spilt is a good idea, in terms of the quality of the episodes, it’s just this ‘event television’ that bugs me - it’s something that we have never needed and won’t ever need.

 STEVE JAMES

9 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 The Title Scandal

Ever since viewers first witnessed Matt Smith answering young Amelia’s plea to Santa for someone to fix the crack in her wall, the fandom has been split down the middle about the Steven Moffat era. Some have worried that the story arc from Series 5 was too timey-wimey. Others have questioned Karen Gillan's qualifications to play , and whether there’s a conspiracy to promote Scots and redheads. And don’t even get me started on those ‘iDaleks’, the only disappointment of the series for me. But one of the most blown-out-of-proportion complaints I saw this year pertains to the lightning-vortex title sequence.

I’ll declare it up front: my opinion of the theme began as love at first sight. Admittedly, since I was a bit Who-deprived due to the almost-empty 2009 and the gap between The End of Time and The Eleventh Hour, I was bound to be excited about pretty much everything the first episode brought to the table. However, after seeing the new Ooo-Wee- Ooo run its course over the past season, and then hearing it in full on Radio 3 at this year's Doctor Who Prom, I’m convinced that the theme is yet another product of Murray Gold’s genius. Why? Because he treats this intro as just what it is supposed to be: an intro. The task of the opening sequence for any programme is to build the excitement in the viewer enough to keep him watching. If the pre-titles teaser, an addition to and icon of the revived series, is the bait, then the title sequence is the pole, reeling the viewer into the forty-five minute boat of time and space and sonic screwdrivers.

And while one is being tugged by some plastic twine connected to a fishing rod, one might as well have some catchy music to to while waiting to be dipped into the Doctor’s custard. Some good ol’ foot-tapping tunes would be nice. The emphasis on rhythm in this particular incarnation of Ron Grainer’s masterpiece has never made it easier for finger- drumming to happen. The rhythm has more of an UMPH than ever before, so much so that the on-screen TARDIS itself seems to be dancing, with its backflips through the vortex mesmerizingly on beat. It’s the end-all acid trip.

That’s not even the best part; the wind-instrument addition before Matt Smith’s name is electrified onto the screen fills the long-lost hole in the theme that I never knew existed. You know what I’m talking about: that cinematic segment of the music that has never been heard in the Doctor Who title music before the thirty-first season but acts as if it was always there. Whenever I’m in a good enough temperament to hum the Who theme as I progress through my day-to-day rituals, which, as it happens, is at least once every twenty-four hours, I always make sure to include that suddenly-all-important opening bit. And whenever I fire up my TARDIS to visit a favourite story from the olden days before the bow tie and , especially if it’s an Eccles-ode or a Tennan-thon, I always seem to notice the empty place that isn’t filled with the dramatic blaring horns introducing the introduction to the latest season.

10 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 Let’s not forget the unique yet exceptional visuals! Many of the negative comments I’ve seen from forum posters in the online community have had something to do with the vortex being too “cartoonish.” One individual even asserted that half the fan-made title sequences that frequent YouTube look more professional. To this I would politely respond with a defence along the lines of: “Bah. Why don’t you try to make a cloudy vortex that looks half as detailed? And then throw an exact CGI replica of the TARDIS in with it and have it repeatedly get struck by the same lightning that occasionally likes to spit out names of British actors!” The vortex’s swift colour change from ocean blue to fiery yellow adds a much more intense twist to the mix than the subtle and sometimes barely noticeable switch from blue to during Davies’ reign, and the instant zoom-in-quickly appearance of the logo, tossing aside the spinning American-football-shaped design of yesteryear, screams “Hello! I’m a show called Doctor Who! Who needs drugs when you’ve got me?!”

Eventually, as a way for the sequence to provide a bit of dessert after its main course has subsided, the newborn “DW” insignia cleverly morphs into a TARDIS and spins into the far reaches of the vortex, which at that same moment decides to reveal the name of the particular tale, and the respectable individual who wrote it, all to the tune of a triumphant chorus, another sound that has never before been heard in any of the series’ “official” themes.

One day in the not-too-distant past, I was watching the very sequence I’m discussing online for the bajillionth time, simply to enjoy it, and reading through some of the viewer comments that came packed with it. Raking through leaf after leaf in a pile of disgusted Whovians demanding their Tennant (or even Hartnell) titles back, I was surprised to come across an apple that was beginning to ripen.

“Hopefully it will grow on me,” the user remarked, “It is already less bad than it was when I first heard it!”

To which the video’s uploader replied, “Same here!”

In a program that is defined by change, I am baffled at the number of fans who seem to become displeased at anything in the show that is suddenly done differently. A thought that has been called upon time after time by countless reviewers, yet is still able hold its own weight, is the memory of fans’ anger over Eccleston’s departure and Tennant’s entry. Five years later, Tennant himself regenerated at the finale of what was one of the most popular eras in Doctor Who’s nearly fifty years. I predict something similar will happen with this version of the theme. It will take a bit of time for this flavour of the music to reel in some popularity, but when everyone is flopping happily inside the boat at last and Murray Gold chooses to retire from the show, Who fans everywhere will be mourning with cries of “Say it isn’t so!”

Besides, most of us witnessed what Gold did with the theme when Davies was producer. In Eccleston’s season, the sound was lighter and fluffier, but by Voyage of the Damned we were getting guitar riffs and a firmer, punchier bass. If that pattern is anything to go by, this fresh, already-superb take on the theme only has better days yet to come.

 PATRICK RILEY

(You can follow Patrick on Twitter via @10PatrickRiley and read his daily contributions to the Doctor Who news-and-reviews webzine at Kasterborous.com)

11 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 An Untimely Arrival: Doctor Who Proms 2010

And here we are again, two years later and another Doctor Who Prom. Much has changed since that last extravaganza and the series itself has undergone something of a transformation under the auspices of Head Writer & Executive Producer, Steven Moffat. We have a new Doctor too, in the beguiling form of Matt Smith. But some things haven't changed and one of them is the music composed for the series by Murray Gold. Proms 10 and 11 at the Royal Albert Hall provide us with an opportunity to reacquaint ourselves with some of Gold's most successful pieces, composed for the Russell T Davies era of the show and to get to know a whole new set of themes for the first series overseen by Moffat.

What I like about these Proms is that we get a chance to hear concert versions of the music composed for the series unshackled from the extremely busy sound mix that smothers many of the episodes we see on television. You can listen to the latest themes without all manner of sound effects, including explosions and weapons fire, and dialogue obscuring some of the best music being composed for a British television series today. The music is also presented within the world of Doctor Who as live too, with all manner of monsters prowling round the Hall and plenty of interactivity including clips of the series and special appearances. Hopefully, the children attending these Proms will be inspired by Gold's music for the show but also will come away also having had a taster of some of the more accessible classical pieces within the programme.

This year's Proms get off to a gorgeous start with 'The Mad Man With A Box', an ethereal piece, almost mystical in quality, that, with its beautiful solo vocal from Yamit Mamo, manages to capture some of the magic of the man that we all know of as the Doctor. Onto the stage comes one of the hosts for our show, Karen Gillan, resplendent in a gold and black gown, who then introduces us to the pizazz of 'An Untimely Arrival' which covers the pre-titles to The as the TARDIS crash lands in Amy's garden. Full of energy and vigour, Gold uses it as a bridging motif between the RTD era and the new adventures of a new Doctor. Familiar but also preparing the way into the new series without frightening the horses too much. It complements the John Adams piece, Short Ride In A Fast Machine quite wonderfully, itself full of syncopation and looping, repetitive rhythms and, for these Proms, it is certainly one of Adams more accessible and audience friendly pieces.

12 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2

One of my highlights of these Proms is Gold's new theme for the Doctor, 'I Am The Doctor'. It's an epic signature tune for one of the most mercurial of the Doctor's incarnations and sets out to remind us that although the Doctor has changed, he is still very much the hero. The melody sticks in the mind and is instantly addictive and it's been used throughout the series but most significantly in The Pandorica Opens as he gives his speech to the amassed ships of his deadliest enemies above Stonehenge. A superb composition, a Gold standard if you like, and musically one of Series Five's greatest achievements. As this played, the Hall was invaded by all manner of alien foes - Saturnynians, Silurians, Cybermen and - and children everywhere, even those of us who are 48 years old and still refuse to grow up, were left grinning with delight.

Two classical pieces follow with the BBC National Orchestra of Wales under the brilliant conductorship of Grant Llewellyn. If the Adams piece was a bit of a warm up, then Llewellyn gets the Orchestra and the Philharmonic Choir to really give it some welly here. William Walton's Overture 'Portsmouth Point', a crafty nod to Murray Gold's home city, is a jaunty, perky work, full of gorgeous melody and rhythm. The mood undergoes a startling change with the second piece. An all time favourite, Holst's 'Mars', from The Planets gets a stunning here and much kudos must go to the Choir and the percussion section of the Orchestra for really getting their teeth into this. Another highlight of the two Proms, it's brilliantly performed and Llewellyn conducts like a man possessed. The boiling, doom laden aggression and pounding military crescendos sent tingles down my spine. Now, if they could have shown a few clips of Quatermass whilst this was playing then I'd have been an extremely happy telefantasy fan boy.

Back to Who with 'Battle In The Skies' from . Amusingly, Gold's homage to the scores of Ron Goodwin (633 Squadron and Where Eagles Dare) and Eric Coates (The Dam Busters) is heard as an ARP warden yells across the Hall, 'Put that light out!' as one of Bracewell's 'Ironside' Daleks rises from the floor of the Hall and asks everyone if they want a cup of tea...and a biscuit (courtesy of Nick Briggs). The poor old Ironside is then bluntly interrupted by the white Dalek Supreme, arriving on stage in a blaze of light and dry ice. It sends the Ironside Dalek packing and then orders conductor Ben Foster to play the music of the Daleks or else! Foster teases the Dalek and on the matinee

13 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 performance threatens it with his baton only to be told not to interfere with its sucker. The Supreme (aided and abetted by ) patrols the stage as Foster whips the Orchestra of Wales into a stirring accompaniment to the episode's dogfight sequences.

After a swift ice cream in the interval, it is back to the second half of the programme. Grant Llewellyn returns and once again he wrings as much drama as he can from the Choir and the Orchestra with 'O Fortuna' from Carl Orff's Carmina burana. A medieval eruption of choral power, this iconic piece is stirring and epic, summoning up the very essence of raw nature, of life and death. And Old Spice. Yes, I'm old enough to remember those ads.

Karen begins to introduce one of her favourite themes, Amy, but suddenly receives a very special message. In the spirit of Music Of The Spheres back in 2008, where David Tennant's Doctor attempted to stop a Graske from disrupting the Prom, Matt Smith pops up on the video screens around the Hall, greeting the audience from some very odd angles, even upside down at one point, in fine panto tradition. It's a lovely, witty piece, "Sir, careful with that wig. And you sir. And you. And actually most of the violin section. Oh, and ladies mind those skirts. And selected gentlemen."

He's got to fix an overloading fold-back quasar do-dah, thing-umy that will turn into a "wibbly wobbly explody wody thing". And he tries to defuse it with an electric toothbrush! But here he goes one better than Tennant. He disappears off the screen and emerges, for real, in the centre of the Hall, looking for someone to help him defuse this bomb. Smith's comic timing and physicality is much to the fore and when he actually does turn up in the Royal Albert Hall for real, interacting with children from the audience, he's in his element and ad-libbing away like a good 'un. Children clearly adore him (he captivated Ellis and Ben in these performances) and he completely confirms that of all the things about Series Five, he is quite simply the series greatest asset right now. Judging by the way he handled all the gobbledegook of the script he's also fast becoming the Stanley Unwin of all of the Doctors! "ITV's been blown off the air!" he naughtily concludes after deactivating the bomb.

We return to the music from the series with 'Amy' and this time Arthur Darvill comes on stage to introduce the music. This is again one of Gold's major triumphs and definitely a high point in the Proms. Yamit Mamo returns for solo vocal duties and with nods to Danny Elfman, Gold offers a heartbreakingly lovely tune for the new companion in the series, deftly capturing the frailties and weaknesses of the woman as well as her sense of wonder and bravery. Quite stunning. It's back to more monsters with a suite of themes, 'Liz, Lizards, Vampires And Vincent', covering the music to accompany the battle between Liz 10 and the Smilers on Starship UK; the return of the Silurians (with Ben Foster surrounded by three of them as he tries to conduct); the marauding vampire Sisters Of The Water and the tragic life of Vincent Van Gogh. Of these, the

14 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 standouts are certainly the motifs and themes for Vampires of Venice and Vincent And The Doctor.

The vampires get a memorably unearthly melody to accompany their sojourns into Venice and into the Hall itself as a group of the Sisters way lay a member of the audience during the matinee performance, dancing around him, much to his bemusement. The magnificent music that featured during Vincent's journey into and his visit to the gallery to hear how his work had affected millions of lives is presented here. Full of joy and sadness, it remains a very special, emotionally powerful theme. The medley concludes with the nerve jangling incidentals, using a lilting piano riff, pounding chords and choir, that accompany the Weeping Angels and one of them pops in for a quick visit, scaring the bejesus out of most of the kids in the audience.

Karen and Arthur return to introduce Wagner's 'The Ride Of The Valkyries' and Grant Llewellyn gives the Orchestra Of Wales yet another energetic work out with the swirling strings and strident brass of this stirring classic. It again truly shows what a class act this Orchestra is. Karen then introduces, to several whoops from the audience, 'This Is ', as featured in Series Three, and 'Vale decem' from The End Of Time. 'This Is Gallifrey' is here used to wonderful effect as, in the evening performance at least, the video screens show all the regenerations of each Doctor.

All the Doctors get their fair share of applause and this slightly distracts from what is one of Gold's finest pieces for the series. Naturally, the greatest response is reserved for Tennant and Smith. On the matinee, either through a technical fault or by decision, the roll call of Doctors wasn't shown and 'This Is Gallifrey' was allowed to soar, full of loss and pride for an ancient society. 'Vale decem' is an amazing choral work with counter-tenor Mark Chambers beautiful voice at the centre of a moving, elegiac piece that sees the regeneration of the Tenth into the Eleventh. Both pieces are guaranteed not to leave a dry eye in the house. Superb.

Matt then arrives on stage to describe Gold's response to Moffat's two part series finale, a specially arranged work, 'The Pandorica Suite'. To be honest, it's not my favourite of Gold's recent work as it tends to resort to emotionally colouring the scenes it covers, particularly the comedy time travel bits, rather than develop big, memorable themes. There's little to remember or to hum here as it rather is incidental music and only until he gets to the conclusion of the suite with a thrilling reinterpretation, signposted with some great brass sections, of 'I Am The Doctor' does it come alive with crashing percussion and insistent woodwind.

Smith, Gillan and Darvill come back to introduce 'The Song of Freedom', from Series Four and all three are clearly having the time of their lives, equally sending each other up and overwhelmed by a packed Hall. Personally, 'The Song Of Freedom' is not one of my favourites but Mark Chambers voice is again

15 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 extraordinary and Foster gets a tremendous performance from the London Phiharmonic Choir and the Orchestra for this anthemic theme. Murray Gold guests on keyboards during this and the arrangement of the 'Doctor Who Theme' and I'm still not particularly fond of his latest arrangement of the series theme, especially those very non-Ron Grainer opening orchestral tags and brass sections. That said, fortunately enough of Grainer's original composition and 's realisation remains and it's lovely to hear the old theme in such a setting driven by especially powerful bass and percussion. Both Proms rightly received a standing ovation and it is still pretty amazing to think that the little series we all love has been transformed into an unstoppable multi-media attraction. To paraphrase the , 'Fantastic!'

 FRANK COLLINS

(You can read more of Frank’s reviews at: http://www.cathoderaytube.blogspot.com)

Photos by Tim Drury - http://bit.ly/proms2010photos

16 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 ALL THE TABLOID NEWSPAPER RUMOURS – ALL THE TIME

Matt Smith Is Rubbish And Is Getting Sacked

Doctor Who fans have seemingly got their way. A bloke I spoke to down the pub reckons that Matt Smith will be sacked as Doctor Who, because ‘he isn’t as good as David Tennant and the geeks don’t like him’. Message Boards have been awash with calls for the actor, 16, to be booted out. I must say that I agree with them, as the internet is never wrong. Not that I steal anything off there and publish it here, mind.

Despite smashing all records for most views on the BBC IPlayer and viewing figures on BBC America, SPACE and some Australian channel (not to mention the upturn in profits of DVD’s, books and other merchandise) the interest in Doctor Who is at an all-time low and I know this because my ‘insider’ said so (well, she told my mum at the bingo anyway). Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Matt Smith nerds!

It’s not been a great week for the outgoing Time Lad, as our snappers caught him hanging outside a public lavatory this week (see above). The dirty beast!

Doctor Who Movie To Be Made

Hollywood bosses have given the go-ahead to film a new Doctor Who movie starring Johnny Depp. The movie will be written by former Doctor Who writer Russell T. Davies and will see David Tennant making a cameo appearance, as the outgoing 10th Doctor. An insider said “Russell hasn’t been happy with Steven Moffat’s new series, so he is using his newly-found status in Hollywood to rewrite Doctor Who history, by giving the role of the 11th Doctor to Johnny Depp.” Top TV producer believes that this latest development can only be good for Doctor Who, he says “Well, the Yanks have got all the money and you can’t make Science Fiction without money, forget about the quality of the acting. Science Fiction is all about the effects. Who wanted to watch once Star

17 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 Wars came out? In fact, I think Doctor Who is just one big rip-off of Star Wars. More recently, I’ve seen Starship Troopers 2 and that film is 1000 times better than this new Doctor Who, because it had money thrown at it. Look at Avatar - no story to speak of but yet people still handed over their cash because it looked good. Doctor Who is STILL stuck in the dark ages.” Intriguing stuff indeed - and that man should know what he’s talking about!

Katie Price To Be Rani-ng on Doctor Who?

Doctor Who producers have FINALLY pulled in a top celebrity star, in a bid to ‘sex’ the show up. Model, TV star and Grattan Celebrity Mother of the Year 2007, Katie ‘Jordan’ Price, has agreed to appear in the finale of the 2011 series, playing the legendary character known as . Price, who is so remarkable, that she wrote 3 autobiographies by the age of 30, is said to be delighted by the news. On her Twitter feed, the mum of 3 (or 4 if you count her husband) said “Get in! I’ve always dreamed of appearing in Doctor Who, ever since I was a little girl.” Later she revealed that she was going to write the above sentence into new volumes of her 3 autobiographies (available from all good bookshops from Jan 2011. Priced £17.99)

The Rani, who appeared in two episodes in the 80’s, was originally played by Dynasty’s Kate O’. Our insider down at Cardiff lets us into another one of the show’s closely- guarded secrets “Doctor Who fans are going to be treated to, not only the wonderful Katie Price, but the fact that The Rani is actually a future incarnation of The Doctor.” The news has gone down well with Doctor Who fans on YouTube, who have posted mock-up videos of Price, as The Rani.

I just hope she gets her own sonic screwdriver, as we all know - ALL Time Lords have sonic screwdrivers.

Bale recovering after assault

In other news, actor Christian Bale is recovering after being assaulted by little-known British actor Harry Sedgewick on the set of Bale’s new movie ‘Tough Guys Go To Heaven’. It’s believed Bale took exception to the condition of the set, before engaging Sedgewick, who was making the tea, in a fight.

Sedgewick, who took the lead role in ‘Fatman’ (a spoof b-movie of Bale’s Batman) last year, was arrested by the LAPD, but was later released without charge and was eventually stopped at customs after he was found to be carrying one-too-many thank-you cards and teddy bears. The LAPD refused to comment, whilst Bale’s agent brushed off the incident by saying ‘It’s all part of the film’.

The fact that this story is possibly made up, doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Remember guys – Today’s ‘news’ is tomorrow’s fish and chip wrapping. Basically, tabloid rumours are mostly bollocks - just ignore them!

18 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 The of Rassilion

If you had the choice, where would YOU end the Classic Series? Thomas Cookson shares his views…

Recently I met up with a fellow fan down the pub, and since my friend shares similar views to me about where Doctor Who went wrong, inevitably we ended up discussing where ideally the classic series should have ended before it got really bad.

I nominated Horns of Nimon - ending the show on an uplifting masquerade party knees- up, and the Doctor and flying off into the Skonnon sunset for centuries more adventures together. All whilst the ’s still decaying on his last life and the Dalek- Movellan stalemate is ensuring universal peace. Perfect, but unrealistic. The show wouldn't have ended whilst it was getting such massive ratings.

A realistic ending would be where Tom Baker departed to dismal ratings. With its themes of death and rebirth, a panoramic view of the dying universe, and the ’s dying words “It’s the end but the moment has been prepared for” it’d be perfect, and also open-ended enough to inspire a new novels range continuation, probably beginning with a novelisation of . Ideally a novels range with meticulous, coherent writing, no reliance on cheap spectacle or characters committing nonsensical actions out of the blue, and no creative interference or ban on past Who writers. An 80’s Doctor Who that’d be rewarding and therapeutic to follow rather than spirit-crushing.

However, my friend’s choice was , and the more I think about it, the more ideal an end-point it seems. A retrospective story where past and present intersects, as every incarnation of the Doctor throughout the show’s history is brought together and must battle old monsters and enemies on their quest to discover ancient Gallifreyan secrets. Then when their quest is done, the current Doctor makes his farewells with his old friends and earlier selves, and the Time Lords reward him with an offer of the presidency. In response he flees in the Tardis and goes on the run from his people, and as he reminisces “Why not? After all that’s how it all started”, thus ending the show on a nicely ‘’ note.

One drawback is that Davison’s era would be without a Dalek story, and it’d be a shame if the Daleks missed out on the show’s more tactile, dynamic 80’s visual make-over. Unless of course Resurrection of the Daleks happened in Season 20 as originally planned, and wasn't held back a year, and thus came before The Five Doctors.

I’m no fan of Resurrection of the Daleks- a part of me would gladly lose it. Like much of 80’s Who, I find it incoherent, gratuitously violent, charmless and so desperate to be downbeat that it has to reduce the Doctor to a shadow of himself. However it ticks the

19 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 boxes of what an apocalyptic ‘final end’ Dalek story should be, it coaxes one of 's strongest performances as the Doctor, and its uncompromising bleakness, fan- service and appetite for destruction makes it almost comfort food viewing if you’re feeling down. Better still it would originally have been directed by who’d undoubtedly have brought the same solid visual flair he did in . Also it was originally meant to be ’s departure story. Apparently he was meant to take on Stien’s role in the story and ultimately sacrifice himself to destroy the Daleks, which would explain Kamelion’s absence in The Five Doctors.

Then again maybe the Dalek cameo in the Death Zone would be satisfying enough.

One issue I have with The Five Doctors is escaping justice again. My friend however argued in favour of its poetry, of both the Doctor and Master being free and roaming the cosmos, on the run from their own people, destined to cross paths again. It’s a welcome tradition that the Master always escapes- in it was practically a ‘punch the air’ moment. But I feel it’s inappropriate after his atrocities in Logopolis for him to get away unpunished. Logopolis is a problematic story because the Master had never gone that far before, and it sat uncomfortably with the cosiness of the Doctor-Master rivalry ever since. If the Master really is that dangerous to the universe, shouldn’t the Doctor destroy him once and for all? Well no, because the Doctor’s the hero of a family show. The best way out of this would be leaving the Master trapped forever in Castrovalva where he can’t hurt anyone. But they wanted to milk the arch villain for all his worth, resulting in diminishing returns that turned him into a joke.

Maybe ending on The Five Doctors is the best compromise. It restores the Master’s dignity and his malignant sting in his tail- particularly when he tricks the Cybermen to their deaths. More importantly, foretells that soon there’ll be a reckoning where the Master will face retribution. Perhaps this prophesised final reckoning between the Doctor and Master is best left to our imaginations (or the novels), since it would only be a disappointment onscreen.

So with the Master’s future foretold, he must go free because causality demands it, much like how in , the Doctor couldn’t destroy the Daleks because he knew they had an important part to play in the future. Actually The Five Doctors shares much in common with Genesis of the Daleks. In both stories the Time Lords send the Doctor on a quest into a savage environment that represents a microcosm of the show’s conflict-based universe and all its evil, fear, death and corruption. But as the Doctor traverses many perils and dangers and finds various allies along the way, he comes to realise that his true quest isn’t to do the Time Lords’ bidding or make the universe’s problems go away, but to discover self-knowledge and peace of mind in a chaotic universe. It’s about the Doctor turning away from a moment of godhood and instead simply letting the natural order of things remain, because evil and conflict will always exist, but as the Doctor asserts there will always be goodness, courage and nobility as universal truths too, and so long as brave, heroic people are around to stand together in unity and resistance, there will always be hope and that essential balance of light and dark forces. Infact maybe even evil has its place.

The Five Doctors isn’t about saving the universe, it’s about the rich life the Doctor has led, the friendships he’s forged, the wisdom he’s acquired, and how that marks him apart from the rest of his stuffy people. By contrast the Master’s life suddenly seems quite sad, lonely and friendless. He’s a failure, and the only allies he’s ever known were

20 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 always as treacherous as him. So the Master may be free to threaten the universe again, but the Doctor will always be there to beat him. So long as the Doctor remains the hero he is, there will always be hope.

"A cosmos without the Doctor scarcely bears thinking about."

Hence why The Five Doctors should have ended the series, because afterwards followed numerous character assassinations of the Doctor that completely destroyed his credibility as a hero, beginning with where the Doctor places the Silurians’ lives over the lives of the humans they’re massacring, even when one human woman takes a bullet to protect him. The Five Doctors- ’ final TV story- was sadly the last time the Doctor was truly in character (until the later McCoy era). Infact I think today there’s pitifully few Who writers who truly understand the Doctor’s character as well as Terrance Dicks does. The majority of New Who is testament to that, with the characters of modern Doctors seemingly based more on obnoxious, arrogant, narcissistic superfans. It’s only been Matt Smith who really feels like the old Doctor to me, but even he often lacks the old Doctor’s chivalry and protectiveness towards his companion, as though they’re pushing the asexual disinterest aspect too far.

Sadly today it’s fashionable for fandom to dismiss Terrance Dicks as out-dated and old hat whilst hysterically praising and brownnosing Russell T. Davies for his success, typical of fandom’s jobsworth mentality (probably instilled by 80’s stories like Time-Flight that resembled soulless workplace orientation videos). Fandom today seems plagued by a cultish dissociative thinking that the show’s ratings and popularity automatically overrules fan opinion, and how it took a deified genius to ‘achieve the impossible’ by making Doctor Who accessible to the masses.

Nonsense! Terrance Dicks did that all the time. Terrance’s stories at their best weren’t just up to date, they were timeless. For a ten-part story is still today a very fast paced piece of television with a hard-hitting emotional ending that rivals . Likewise features full-blooded characterisation on par with New Who. Infact I’d rank Horror of Fang Rock equally on par with for quality writing, ingenious plotting and genuine horror, and for a ‘serious’ story it’s actually far funnier and wittier than The Unicorn and the Wasp. More importantly a first time viewer doesn’t need to know any - war backstory in order to understand and enjoy Horror of Fang Rock and in-fact the story conveys space battlefleets and galactic empires through spoken word alone, without needing any CGI spectacle. You could also easily show Brain of Morbius to a first time viewer. Terrance Dicks always made his stories well crafted, timelessly accessible and self-sustained. I'd venture that if Terrance’s Seven Keys to Doomsday stageplay was adapted for television and used as the New Series’ episode, it would've been every bit the mainstream success it was, and far more adventurous, exciting and warm-hearted.

Even The Five Doctors is well crafted enough to include all its fan-pleasing elements whilst still working as a self-sustained standalone that could appeal to viewers who’d never seen the show before. Infact it’s often the first story a beginner fan will turn to, rivalling Genesis of the Daleks for highest Classic Who DVD sales. All the recurring characters and enemies are well defined enough for first time viewers to instantly ‘get’ and the story wisely gives greatest prominence to more simple, self-explanatory enemies like the Master and Cybermen.

21 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 The show’s 20 year history is made simple and easy to grasp, and even the concept of these various different Doctors all being metaphysically the same man is instantly established when each past Doctor gets abducted, giving the current Doctor severe chest pains, emphasising their existential link, and this is even bookended when the Doctors combine their mental powers to break ’s hold on the Fifth incarnation. Infact the idea of four different figures representing the same man playing of Rassilon from different approach points really suits the live action roleplaying game feel of the story, of one player manipulating numerous figures. This was a time when roleplaying culture was really taking off (see also Enlightenment and Curse of Fenric). Even Borusa’s model of the Death Zone and various Doctor figures compliments this atmosphere, and I think that’s why the story still works today.

It’s ironic that Terrance Dicks is regarded as out-dated now, when his stories The Five Doctors and Brain of Morbius were crucially about the importance of each new generation breaking with the traditional old guard. They’re both stories about how every civilisation has its dark ages and why immortality would be a curse because if the rulers of a civilisation lived forever, there’d never be any change or progress and we’d never have escaped those dark ages. Borusa isn’t an evil megalomaniac, he’s simply a well meaning old ruler who’s set in his ways and fears change and his mortality and who can’t let go of his power because he doesn’t trust anyone else to rule Gallifrey. He even seems genuinely remorseful about the ’s death, but he can’t turn back now.

New Who could learn from the days when corrupt Time Lords had proper, understandable motives, rather than just wanting to destroy the universe for the sake of it, and when Sarah Jane was still the steely, independent woman she always was, happily getting on with her life rather than spending thirty years pining over the Doctor. So as well as being a perfect end point, The Five Doctors would be a perfect template for any revival of the show.

Would the revival still have happened though? I once thought that if the show had ended sooner, it would have come back sooner. But it’s not that simple. If the show ended my way on Tom Baker, then it’d be hard to do a revival without him, because he’d be seen as the irreplaceable heart of the show. Also without the Doctors after Tom Baker who were actually willing to return to the role, Big Finish would never have happened, so we’d have lost a lot of fantastic audio Doctor Who, and I believe it was partly down to Big Finish’s success in sales that the BBC were persuaded to bring the show back. A year ago I’d have happily lost the New Series, but now the show's really improving under Moffat’s producership I’d really hate to lose outstanding stories like Victory of the Daleks, Time of Angels and Amy’s Choice (although I’d gladly erase Chibnall’s two-parter).

Ending the show on The Five Doctors might increase the chances of the revival happening. With Peter Davison having two solid years to establish himself as the Doctor, coupled with a multi-Doctor story which Tom Baker was mostly absent from, it’d be firmly established that the show had outgrown Tom Baker’s shadow. The Five Doctors also did well in the States (lets say the BBC had ended the show there in order to sell the

22 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 rights to America), which would have sowed the seeds for the American TV Movie in some form. After all the TV Movie did keep the flame alive and it got the general public talking fondly again about the classic show’s charms that the TV Movie somehow lacked.

There'd probably be a novels range continuation very similar to the Adventures. Tegan, Turlough and especially Kamelion could make interesting short-term book companions, but they could eventually be written out and replaced with new companions easily, unlike who became inseparable from the . After all, Tegan and Turlough had frequently requested to be returned home onscreen, and they were absent from the comic strips. The Fifth Doctor could even be developed into the ruthless, cosmic chess-master Doctor of the novels, proving wrong the naysayers who dismissed Davison as uselessly weak (rather than Season 21 proving those naysayers right).

Whilst the novels range would be safe, the audios are a different matter. Big Finish had its origins in the Audio Visuals fan group in the mid-80’s, where and started doing their own unlicensed audio Doctor Who adventures. However if the show ended in 1983 and the BBC got proprietorial about the copyright back then, the Audio Visuals group might have been stopped from doing their audios. Or maybe they’d have gotten away with just their first few releases. But even if Big Finish did happen, would they have lasted that long? Spin-offs like , Dalek Empire, Gallifrey and Unbound would remain possible (as would if Paul Cornell had still written Love and War), but the backbone of the range would be the main Doctor Who audios, so you’d only have Peter Davison’s Doctor and possibly the TV Movie Doctor too. With refusing to reprise Tegan’s role, that'd leave an unfillable gap after The Five Doctors, leaving only the option of doing Fifth Doctor- audios, and adventures set after the TV Movie. It’d be nice to think audios like Spare Parts, Creatures of Beauty, Time-Reef and Plague of the Daleks would still fit in the canon, but it’s uncertain Big Finish would last that long. Big Finish’s main selling point was its variety. But there’d be very little here to interest fans who didn’t like the Fifth Doctor and regarded the TV Movie Doctor suspiciously. Infact given how the McGann range chased away many loyal listeners when it got bogged down with the and Divergent Universe business, if Peter Davison was the only other audio Doctor, that probably would have killed Big Finish for good.

Now on this point many fans would say Caves of Androzani is the best end-point for being a tour de force high water mark, and a poignant end of an era story (well it’s poignant until ’s first lines kill the mood), and it comes right after the Master's ‘death’ and the Daleks becoming an endangered species. Plus it would allow Big Finish to do and Peri stories, and audios featuring ’s .

However I believe Caves of Androzani would be too bleak an end-point, and not really how the show should be remembered. It needed a reassuring follow-up. If the show ended there, you'd end with the Doctor still reduced to less than half the hero he is, without the redemption of Remembrance of the Daleks. Even Logopolis would be a more hopeful ending.

Maybe it’d be better if the cancellation crisis and hiatus happened on The Five Doctors, so the show would continue for a while afterwards, but Warriors of the Deep and Twin Dilemma would be thankfully lost forever. Unfortunately this might mean the show ending two years sooner on the indignity of .

23 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 Many fans probably wonder how I could ever want the show to end sooner. If the last five years’ hysterical praise of New Who have proved anything, it’s that most fans would always prefer bad Doctor Who to no Doctor Who at all. So if I don’t like what followed The Five Doctors, why can’t I just be happy with the show up to that point, enjoy those years and accept that what came after has fans of its own? Well that’s because unfortunately what came after was so destructively bad, it even erodes my enjoyment of the show’s better years. The disgracing of the Doctor in the 80’s even has a retroactively tarnishing effect on the character’s history. Enough bad work can form a critical mass as corrosive as any other, reducing the show’s achievements to nothing. If the show ended with The Five Doctors, that wouldn’t have happened.

Beyond wrongheaded production decisions and awful scripts, I think what really went wrong is the show simply stopped believing in itself. Doctor Who wasn’t about hard science and its logic rarely bore close scrutiny, but it articulated an idealistic time where anything seemed possible. Whether it’s the Doctor and Harry easily infiltrating the dome in Genesis of the Daleks, or the Doctor and Romana breaking free from ’s time loop by re-enacting their repeating moments, a pinch of make-believe whimsy made those implausible moments work, and they made the show’s universe seem stranger and more hopeful.

But cynicism set in. Maybe times had gotten mean as the modern outlook became more simple-minded and contemptuous, particularly in TV and cinema. Sci-fi worlds of wonder and whimsy didn’t work anymore unless you had the budget to show them, like Star Wars did. Doctor Who didn’t have that budget, but neither did it have faith anymore. The show certainly lost faith in the Doctor and became severely morally confused. Inevitably the behind-the-scenes struggles, insecurities and personality clashes had the effect of transforming the Doctor himself into a volatile, cold-hearted, obtuse, self-defeating control freak. The show tried to make a point by becoming more outrageous and pretentious, trying to prove itself worthy. It became more forced, desperate and tasteless. It tried to reassert believability and ‘realness’ with continuity references, visceral gore and making the Doctor more confrontational, melodramatic and angry (much like New Who actually). Worse still, the show tried to believe in something by tapping into fandom’s more detrimentally cultish thinking. It never got more cultish than Warriors of the Deep force-feeding the viewer with a warped, humanity-hating, self- destructive pacifist philosophy at odds with all cognitive reasoning. A story where all the characters commit completely suicidal actions, and anyone who suggests doing the sensible thing is demonised for it.

New Who seems so ratings conscious and audience aware that it seems to consistently cease believing its own fiction. Each season finale has ended with a pixie dust , which proves that even whimsy needs to be disciplined and reigned in, otherwise it ceases to mean anything, as indeed does the show. The problem is the insincerity of New Who’s whimsy. It doesn’t seem to treat any of its own fiction as real. All the spectacle, tear-jerking and forced comedy are just artificial contrivances to keep viewers watching. It seems so desperate to pander to what’s hip that it lacks the identity of Doctor Who. With the show feeling that limited, insular and distrusting of its audience, I just can’t believe in the show’s possibilities or magic. A once invitingly wondrous show that compelled our investment, getting us to maintain the spell from our own end, has now become so cynical and so much part of today’s trashy, nasty zeitgeist that it’s almost inapproachable. Particularly the way stories like and The Runaway Bride depict humanity as hopelessly stupid and in inferiority to the Doctor.

24 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 I can’t help think if the show ended on The Five Doctors with its faith still intact, on a note of celebration rather than disgrace, then it might have come back prouder, surer of its place on TV and far less desperate. Ultimately it was the faith and willpower of fans that brought the show back, coupled with TV’s current nostalgic phase, and that'd remain the case if the show ended on The Five Doctors.

However, if The Five Doctors ended the show, then fandom would probably try to make it impossible to enjoy by constantly harping on about how it only got 7 million viewers and got the show cancelled because its continuity references ‘alienated’ casual viewers. We’d still be told to imagine how non-fans would see the story, and how enjoying its fan- pleasing elements was something to be ashamed of. Thus reinforcing fandom’s internalised snobbery, savage pecking orders and fans’ pathological tendency to parodically ape and adopt our mainstream culture's small-minded, contemptuous worldview. Fandom would still have a cold jobsworth mentality based around ratings, demographics and archetypal mindsets- basically viewing people as statistics instead of individuals, and viewing other fans as inferior and unworthy of speaking critically of the successful. That’s why I’d liked the idea of the show ending with Horns of Nimon because it villainises those fans so well.

But the inviting, warm nostalgia of The Five Doctors couldn’t be further removed from the cold-hearted, cultish stories that followed. It’s a tribute to the show’s long with something for every fan, blending 80’s fan-pleasing continuity with the Williams era’s ethos of never taking the show or life too seriously. It even vindicates the unmade stories. Pertwee gets one last confrontation with the Master, and even ’s somewhat canonised (although why didn’t they use the footage of the Fourth Doctor being chased on bicycle by Skagra’s sphere?)

If you were to select some Doctor Who stories to go in a time capsule for future generations to discover, then The Five Doctors would be as mandatory a choice as Genesis of the Daleks. It’s a truly essential, indispensible story, and it was Doctor Who’s last respectable note, before Warriors of the Deep and Twin Dilemma made the series impossible to respect.

Perhaps The Five Doctors was the show's natural completion point, and afterwards the series could only regress and decline. The only other time the show achieved such finality was in Parting of the Ways, a rare example of New Who depicting humanity's strength as ordinary people join the Doctor's final stand against the last of the Daleks.

And funnily enough, it was all downhill from there too.

 THOMAS COOKSON

25 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 The Bargain Hunter Guide To: New Adventures on EBay

Being a Doctor Who fan can be quite costly. In fact if you don’t have the bank balance of an MP, you won’t be able to afford every bit of tat (oooh controversial – Ed) that the BBC or other licensed-companies fling our way. So with this in mind, we have a look at what Doctor Who ‘stuff and things’ are on EBay, the 21st century market of tat. In this edition, we have a look at the ‘Virgin New Adventures’ books. Not be confused with the adult video series of the same name that the editor of this fine publication has hidden under his bed, ahem. (You’re on your last warning – Ed)

In 1991, Virgin Books managed to snare a licence from the BBC to produce new Doctor Who stories, picking up from where the television series left off in 1989. The series, entitled The New Adventures, saw the 7th Doctor and Ace continue their run and they were soon joined by original companions, most notably Bernice ‘Benny’ Summerfield. Benny became Virgin’s longest running companion (even getting her own series when the licence wasn’t renewed by the BBC, following the TV Movie and an upcoming money spinner, I mean book series, based on the 8th Doctor)!

The books are no longer in print and are about as rare as acting work for these days. So the most obvious place to look at is EBay. There are many copies floating around, mostly in the UK. Generally you can pick up a book for no-more than £2 HOWEVER look out for rarities such as ‘Lungbarrow’ and ‘’, ironically Virgin’s one and only 8th Doctor book. Most of the books mentioned are likely to go over the £20 mark, so be warned! Others that could get quite pricey are the latter stories in the series, Paul Cornell’s original ‘’ and RTD’s ‘Damaged Goods’.

But don’t fret! The BBC have released a number of New Adventures (and BBC novels of other Doctors) as downloadable PDF’s, including ‘Human Nature’, ‘Lungbarrow’ and ‘The Dying Days’. You can check them out at http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/classic/ebooks I’ve just saved you £30 there!

26 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 When you get round to reading the series, I would start from the beginning, as there are plenty story arcs and new characters that are introduced. The first three books in the series see The Doctor and Ace battle a mysterious alien called ‘The Timewrym’. The three books (Genesis, Exodus and Revelation) are relatively cheap to get hold of. (You can view the full list of the books here - http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Virgin_New_Adventures)

Now, if you’re not interested in collecting the books (and want to keep circulating these rarities amongst fans) I would recommend you sell them on. Who knows? You could get more money back than what you paid for it! Always set up an auction for the book and always make your minimum selling price, the amount what you paid for it. As long as you get back what you spent, it’s been worth it! Even if the book was a crap read!

I would also like to offer you a bit of advice about postage and packing costs. A lot of folk on EBay sell their stuff at a low price (which would also encourage a ‘bidding war’ between yourself and another buyer), only to recoup the money via a ridiculously high postage cost. The postage and packing of one book shouldn’t cost any more than a £1.50 (or £3.00 via Air Mail) - so consider yourself warned!

 DAVIDE DICKINSON

In The Beginning…

It’s easy to forget these days, what with the extensive back-catalogue that Doctor Who has, about where it all started. It started in 1963 with and . From the mind of Sydney Newman, the pen of Anthony Coburn (as well as an uncredited C.E Webber) and produced by Verity Lambert - Doctor Who was about to become a legend. Although nobody knew at the time.

For me, I feel that there is one man who doesn’t get the credit he deserves for his part in that first episode. That man is director Waris Hussein.

Interviewed in Doctor Who Podshock 218, Waris gives an excellent overview of his career, his role on Doctor Who, including his work on An Unearthly Child and the missing , as well as insights into the mind of a director. It’s a must-listen for any Doctor Who fan, as Waris comes across as a highly-intelligent man, who just loves his work. What’s more important, is that he hasn’t been involved with fandom - simply because he’s never been asked! He comes to fandom with new stories and a fresh perspective (even on the new series!) that we haven’t heard before. And considering he was there from the very beginning, we should count ourselves lucky that we can still hear his wonderful stories.

Doctor Who Podshock 218 is available to download FREE from http://www.podshock.net

27 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 : Icehot or Load of Rubbish?

It’s too easy to dismiss the majority of the late-80’s stories as ‘the point where Doctor Who went wrong’. I’ve read and listened to some very unfair comments about the latter stories that don’t take into account the restrictions of which the production team had to work with. I honestly believe that Paradise Towers was one of these stories that would have been a great, if it wasn’t for the budget (or lack of) afforded to Doctor Who by a BBC, who where then determined to let the show die a slow and painful death. But that doesn’t mean mistakes weren’t made by the production team…

Ever since I first watched Paradise Towers, I was intrigued by the storyline: A luxurious tower block that had plunged into anarchy, amongst the folk that lived there. Many people aren’t aware that the plot was based on the novel ‘High Rise’ by renowned author JG Ballard. The story chronicles the rising disorder among the residents of the Tower Block, who classically, are divided up amongst Working Class, Middle-Class and Upper Class groups. What’s more poetic, is that the higher up the tower block you go, the ‘better class’ of people there are. Although by the end of the book, everyone is pretty much equal in their savagery. What makes High Rise all-the-more engrossing, is that it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that it could happen today.

Paradise Towers on the other hand, replaces the 3 social groups with Kangs (groups of teenage girls) Ressies (residents) and the Caretakers, who ‘look after’ the building. One- by-one every one of these groups are being picked off and it’s up to The Doctor to try and find out what is happening and to unite the factions to save Paradise Towers from imploding

First of all, let’s go through the negatives. The music, like all of the McCoy era, is utterly awful. It sounds like the music used in arcade games. At one point, I was expecting Pac Man to come bouncing round the corner, give a cheeky grin and flash his arse at The Caretakers, before speeding off to continue feeding his pill habit. This was 1987 for goodness sake, what on earth was going through the minds of Keff McCulloch (composer) and JNT? The music played during the Kang’s ‘how you do’ greetings with The Doctor was utterly cringeworthy too. The music was just too light for this type of story, it’s just totally off-putting (and it really doesn’t help when it’s shit too!)

I felt that some of the lines, early on in the story, weren’t delivered as well as they could have been. It all seemed forced and fake. Maybe it was a production problem, rather than bad acting? I’m not sure. But before I watched Paradise Towers again, I read the

28 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 novelisation and as you’ll find with most books – the real thing NEVER lives up to your imagination. The same could be said of the Chief Caretaker (played by Richard Briers), as I never felt that he neither looked nor sounded authoritative enough. It also didn’t help that he reminded me of Blakey from ‘On The Buses’ - not just in looks but his mannerisms too. He was about as threatening as a Twilight fan, drunk on alcopops, asking you for a fight because you called Robert Pattinson a ‘bad actor’ (or words to that effect!). And I’m not even going to go into that ridiculous sliver costume/make-up that Briers had to wear in Part 4!

It’s a shame, because these are things that could so easily have been ironed out. I suspect that JNT told Briers and the other actors to ‘ham it up’ but I think that disrespected the script and a great novel in High Rise. There’s no doubt in my mind, that if it was made today, it would be intensely gripping. There’s only so far the ‘they had no budget’ excuse can be stretched, but when you’re making ridiculous, pointless and expensive costumes for Tilda and Tabby, as well as the Chief, when normal clothes would have sufficed - it’s hard to defend the production team.

Going back to High Rise and you can see why the writer, Stephen Wyatt, based this story on it. We’ve got all types of people falling out over trivial matters to start off with and then it slowly gets worse and worse and worse. Before you know it, you’re reading about how the residents are killing each other because they had the cheek to invade ‘their floor’ and towards the end of the book, things get a lot more violent and a lot more graphic.

Of course, this episode was never going to be as violent as events depicted in High Rise (can you imagine how many heart attacks and the rest of Middle England would have had?) but the story would have been so much better if just a hint of threat loomed in the air. Did we really think those two old ladies would have eaten Mel? Did we really think the Chief Caretaker was anything less than camp? Did we really think that the cleaners looked convincing? The whole reason of why the Great Architect was locked in the Towers in the first place, is a little bit dubious and a lot more information would have been extremely useful.

The main positive for me, was the redemption of Pex, an almost-comic book character that hid on board a ship taking the residents to Paradise Towers in the first place. Speaking of which, the story (again) would have benefitted from more information about this ‘war’ that Pex was running from. You can see him slowly developing throughout the story and you could sort-of see his sacrifice coming. I think it’s important that moral stories like this are placed in Doctor Who – Pex ran from his ‘duty’ all the time, but when it finally came to it, when he HAD to do it - he did his duty, no matter how scared he was.

I really enjoyed the scenes with The Kangs, who were depicted as a ‘tribe’ within these dirty, murderous towers, excellently. I liked that they had their own take on the language (“Icehot” – “Cool”) and the fact that they couldn’t give a flyer about authority.

Stories like this are perfect for Doctor Who – it’s dark, damp, a little violent and with a mystery behind it. All we got was crap costumes, poor acting and music that was rejected

29 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 for Galaxian in 1979. Paradise Towers is a story that could – and should have been done better.

Much like the majority of the McCoy era, it was another missed opportunity.

 DANIEL GEE

Blog High For Happiness

As I was taking an icehot shower the other day, something struck me as odd about “Paradise Towers.” Yes, okay, I think about Doctor Who in the shower. Don’t you? Oh yes, you do. Admit it. I bet you’ve even sung the K-9 and Company there in there too, haven’t you? I’m drifting…

Anyway, how long have these people been in Paradise Towers? They were sent there to avoid some sort of war, right? That’s why there aren’t any men, aside from Pex and the Caretakers. All the Kangs are in their late teens, maybe early 20’s, but they’ve all reverted to primal behavior for some reason. Were they only left with a copy of Lord of the Flies for entertainment? Pex isn’t that old either. We know he remembers the outside because he ran away from it!

The Rezzies aren’t decrepit, nor are the caretakers. At least they wouldn’t have been when they were put there. So, five years? Ten years? Did no one think to pop their head outside and see what was going on? I guess it’s a fairly boring planet out there. Unless…it was Earth all along!

Also, if the Rezzies ate the Kangs, what did the Kangs eat? If they didn’t figure out the vending machines until the Doctor got there, they must have been starving! Maybe they ate each other…Talking of which, if Fizzade still tasted that good after years in the can, it must be the greatest drink ever when fresh! Shades of Slurm addiction.

I wonder if Kroagnon was a freemason?

 STEVEN SAUTTER

Fish Custard Fanzine Recommends… PROFESSOR DAVE’S ARK IN SPACE

A podcast celebrating the best in British and American culture, as well as chats about Doctor Who! Join Professor Dave, Lillibet (The Wonder Girl) and Danielle, as they try to cram the best things us Humans have produced, into . www.profdave.libsyn.com Or on ITunes!

30 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 The Glamour Chase Review

Writer Gary Russell is well known in the fan community, editor of for three years and Big Finish producer for eight. When it comes to writing Doctor Who books he has a surprising amount of material too, having put his hand to Virgin New and Missing Adventures, a Torchwood novel, an Eighth Doctor adventure and plenty of Past Doctor Adventures.

But if you were to read only one ‘Who’ book this year I would strongly recommend his latest work, ‘The Glamour Chase’. This story sees Rory, Amy and The Doctor go back to 1936 where they discover a whole host of strange things going on due to two rival races of aliens, the most interesting of which is ‘The Weave’, who are able to shapeshift.

The story is encapsulating, but more importantly for me, it feels like a television episode, which many New Series Adventure novels have failed to achieve. The best thing about this book for me is the character development that the reader experiences throughout, if you are a fan who believes that Rory and Amy do not have much depth to them, then this story will fix that. The best example of this character development is reading the relationship between Rory and The Doctor grow, something we haven’t seen significantly on screen. We also learn parts of Amy’s back story, which also gives key indicators to how she became who she is.

The brief appearance of the 6th (or 7th) Doctor is a nice surprise, but you will not notice it until it’s been and gone, fans of Bernice Summerfield will get a tiny surprise too!

Probably the bravest thing that Gary does with this book is look into the subject of post traumatic stress disorder, it is handled very carefully and was educational as well as interesting, unfortunately this was the only part of the book that felt a little forced on me rather then flowing as naturally as his last book ‘Beautiful Chaos’.

Part of the fun with this story is trying to work out whose side to be on, which of the aliens are friendly and which of them are behind the plot to steal ‘the glamour’. This is the first New Series Adventure I have thoroughly enjoyed for a couple of years, it is written in such a way that makes it feel cannon with the rest of the series.

There are five more Eleventh doctor books currently available and I just hope the others live up to this.

 RICHARD WIGGINS

31 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 Doctor Who and the Pledge Drive of Doom!

They say that love at first sight is possible, that if you see an object or person you truly desire, you will instantly know that you were meant for each other. This is the way I felt when I first caught a glimpse of Doctor Who.

I had to be about four years old and had wandered into my parent's bedroom where my father and his friend were watching a video that was quite strange. A curly white haired man and a blond girl leaped from a bright yellow car to behind a tree while a shapeless blob attacked the car and made it disappear in a flash of swirling white light. I may not have known it at the time, but it would be the instance that set me up for a life of geekdom and obsession, never to return from the abyss that would in some ways also shape my everyday life.

From that moment on I was obsessed with the show, even more so then my father and the friend that brought it to his attention, as I re-watched and devoured the VHS recordings of the Pertwee and Tom Baker eras the way must have studied crime and detective work. To this day, I can probably still recall some scenes of this era line for line, as the tapes became worn and tired, my love for the show doubled with every new adventure. But, much like the Doctor's adventures in time and space, for the American fan things were not always in order.

We in the city of Chicago were blessed to be able to see most of the Pertwee and Tom Baker adventures, essentially everything that was available at the time through Lionheart, the distribution company for Doctor Who in the States at that time. It meant that unless you were like me, a rabid foaming at the mouth fan that actually bugged your mother for obscure Doctor Who Magazine issues and a copy of Peter Haining's A Celebration and A Key To Time, you most likely would have been confused that each time you came to the end of Tom Baker's run (And soon Peter Davison's first couple series.), you were thrown back to a story that seemed to have no explanation as to why and how the Doctor first started working for UNIT and was stranded on Earth, much less how he got that face. I'm sure to many casual viewers Pertwee was the unless they caught the Three Doctors, and oh how confusing that tale must have been.

All of the confusion was due to the fact that Lionheart had only so many story's available for purchase in the United States and that list started with Day of the Daleks and ended with whatever current series was made available to them form

32 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 the BBC, with them usually being about a year or more behind depending on where you lived in the country and how much your local station was willing to spend.

I was very lucky to be in one of the meccas of Doctor Who fandom in the US, which meant that although as said we were usually quite behind what had transmitted in the UK we were usually one of the first areas to see a new season or a new Doctor. The local PBS station, WTTW, took notice of these factors and felt compelled to burden the small but loyal Who fan with a creation that is more terrible, more horrible then any Dalek...the pledge drive.

PBS stands for Public Broadcasting Station and unlike the major or cable networks over here, relies less on commercials and ads then it does on donations from major companies and corporations and support from their viewing audience. This does lead to a bounty of great television being put out on PBS stations and does still to this day, but also means that if the station knows a new installment of a popular show is forthcoming that they will try to milk it for all they can get with a telethon to solicit donations for the station, often underlining the fact that these new episodes are being paid for by your support. This would also mean that if the show started at eleven, it most likely would not start till more like eleven thirty or even later as a presenter spoke of how much they needed your support as they moved their goal markers ever closer to the apex of the giant cardboard donation 'meter'.

Doctor Who was unique in the fact that usually the pledge drives that occurred in the shows time slot were affairs that had Who fans donating their time answering the phones in Tom Baker scarves and home made Who costumes, while the presenter would say he knew how much you loved Doctor Who and so did he, but the new season was only brought to you by your donations and that Doctor Who was expensive to purchase so if you wanted to see the next series after that you really needed to break out the cheque book and get that writing hand limber. To a boy who had not yet reached ten yet this was meet with groans and apprehension, as you waited for the man to just get on with it and start the show. Time has never moved so slowly for the rest of my life.

Premiums were also available throughout the pledge drives, usually these were higher amount donations that would also get you some item or another, usually one that was tied in to whatever show you happened to be waiting for and Doctor Who was no exception. There were TARDIS mugs that had the disappear off the cup when you poured hot liquid inside, the Doctor Who: The Music album on vinyl, an 'official' Tom Baker scarf in all it's multi coloured glory and many others over the years. This would cause much distress in my house during pledge time as I begged my mother to spend two hundred dollars so I could have the scarf or fifty bucks so I could have my own TARDIS mug. I did not know that these items were so overpriced because they were just perks for people to pledge larger amounts, but to a kid stuck in a place where most people

33 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 had never heard of the series much less be able to buy certain kinds of Who related merchandise these items were like gold, even if they cost more then an ounce of real gold itself in some cases.

There was also the problem of never knowing when the new series would start over here, but as the years went on, I got the idea that it would start sometime near the next pledge drive, and usually this was the case. I also had problems with the fact that after the US omnibus transmission of Caves of Androzani, I was told by the voice over at the end we would be returning to as the Doctor, even though the DWM I had bought over a year ago had told me that Twin Dilemma was to be shown in the same set of stories I had just watched. This incident prompted me to make a very confusing and probably embarrassing call to the station the next day to complain, only to be told that I'd have to wait as Lionheart put all of the Colin Baker's into one package that was not yet available.

As pledge drives go, the biggest had to be when Lionheart finally got the rights to sell the remaining Hartnell and Troughton stories as well as the earlier Pertwee tales that had not been shown. This was met with a drive that seemed almost religious in nature, as I sat patiently waiting to see how it all began.

I should not complain about all this really, as many people had not seen these tales since they were first broadcast, but to me the small delay was torture.

Today of course it is all a bit different, because although the PBS stations still lagging far behind the BBC transmission dates, the SYFY Channel and more importantly BBC America gets the program long before the PBS stations ever do and with the certain tricks the internet can perform, it's not even necessary to wait that long if you wish. Only thing is with the internet no one offers me an overpriced scarf or mug, which is a shame because I'm still a sucker for such things and now I actually have a job an often spend my money on frivolous things I don't need.

If only they knew.

Next Week: Doctor Who and the Red Dye of Death!

 THOMAS SPYCHALSKI

www.kasterborous.com

34 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 Three Forbidden Relationships, Just Waiting To Happen…

Captain &

Come on. You know what Jack’s like. Anything that moves is fair game to folk from the 51st century, and seeing as I distinctly remember Captain John checking out a poodle and River Song claiming to have dated androids, this relationship seems to elegantly combine the two into a companion who would almost definitely be able to last as long as Jack, with the right parts of course (I’m talking long- living here by the way, naughty). Jack and K9 would be a partnership to last the aeons, roaming the cosmos and sharing stories about the times they shared with the Doctor, which make Jack sigh because he always sort of fancied the old Gallifreyan and is still a bit miffed that he never got in there, and make K9... Well, he’s a dog. He doesn’t go in much for nostalgia.

Jackie Tyler & Doctor 10.5

Let’s face facts, people. Rose and the Doctor are not going to survive as a normal couple. Theirs was a relationship that lived on the drama, on the stolen glances across the TARDIS console, on the life-threatening situations and of course, being torn apart and forced to live in separate universes. These are the things that all-consuming passion thrives upon. No-one is more in love than the person just sundered forever from their beloved. So imagine suddenly being (sort of, considering 10.5 is basically a copy) thrust back together again and having to get a house together. The Doctor’s never had a normal job, how the hell will he cope? Sure, he can work for Alternative Torchwood, but going from being a free man with all the universe as his plaything to being another worker drone will drive him insane. He’ll start drinking to compensate, and Rose will get frustrated and angry at his inability to live like a human, and they’ll fight all the time. One day, 10.5 will go round to visit Jackie and Pete, and find Jackie there on her own. She’ll make him tea, they’ll have a chat, but suddenly his defences will come down and he’ll start unburdening his problems, and one thing will lead to another and next thing you know Rose will have a baby sibling that is also (secretly) her step-child. They probably will call that one Doctor.

35 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 & River Song

“But wait!” I hear you say. “Rory just spent 2000 years guarding Amy, he’s HARDLY going to cheat on her at this point, when he’s finally happily married to her.” Well let me stop you right there, dear reader. For you must have noticed, as have I, that Amy is strangely ungrateful to her champion, flirting non-stop with The Doctor and trying to cadge snogs off him on her wedding day. Now, who are the two people this behavior is bound to piss off? That’s right, the same Rory who spent 2000 years protecting his girlfriend only to see her throw herself at someone else on their wedding day, and River, who seems to be, in her vague way, mightily in love with the Doctor. Can you really see River taking this lying down? No siree. She’d try and hit that red-haired wench right where it hurts. And frankly, I can see River being able to intimidate Rory into going along with it.

 EMMA DONOVAN

36 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 NIGHTMARES By Martin Marshall

Louise was running for her life. No idea where she was running to and only the haziest of recollections of where she had run from but she was running for her life, of that she was certain. Somehow, she had gotten separated from Paul but that knowledge only barely pricked at her conscious thought. Running was more important. Lightning slashed the sky repeatedly but that was not what was frightening her or, at least, it was only a minor part of it. She was no longer sure what it was that had so terrified her, or how long she had been running from it but she was sure of one thing. She had to keep running until she got away.

Somewhere else, similar and yet utterly different, Paul was too frightened even to run. He screamed, begged, lashed out with fists and feet that felt heavy and unresponsive, fell to his knees, curled up, clutched his head and agonized in his impotence. He had run at first, of course, had run till he thought his lungs might burst but it had done no good. Everywhere was the same. Chaos, lightning and menacing shadows that loomed out of nowhere, carrying with them all of his most visceral, instinctual fears. Fear was not a regular feature of Paul’s existence, or so he had thought. Physically, he feared little and mentally he had learned to master his fears, to shut them away and get on with life. Here, though, in this strange, unsettling, eerily familiar place all of his self-control had broken down, leaving him defenceless. He was at the mercy of his fear and it knew no mercy.

Louise was thinking a little more clearly now. Running didn’t seem to be doing any good so she may as well pause and get her bearings. Not that she was tired; despite everything she still felt fresh. It was just that everywhere seemed the same. The fear was everywhere. If she was to have any chance of escaping, she had to identify a safe destination. She still couldn’t recall precisely how she’d ended up here. She had been with Paul and then, something had happened. She dimly remembered being dragged away from him by some inexorable force and then she was running. Every time she tried to remember anymore, another of those lightning strikes would break her concentration. Still, it wasn’t a priority at this point. Standing, she looked around – the same nauseous landscape as far as the eye could see, its colours and patterns constantly shifting and hinting at events too terrible to contemplate while above her, the

37 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 storm raged on. Or was it below her? Nothing made sense and there was no sign of refuge.

Paul, too, had remembered a little but that hadn’t helped his situation. He remembered being with Louise but that also meant remembering that, whatever it was that had happened, he had failed to protect her from it. He could still see her being dragged away, screaming for him to help her, while he was held, powerless, by some irresistible force. His worst fear realized and yet he did nothing about it. Shame overcame him; he knew he should be looking for her but the fear stopped him. More memories came back, memories of and danger, danger that he had willingly faced and survived. What kind of man had he become? He had been brave and fearless once but that only made things worse, gave him more reason to despise the coward that he had become. Paul was drowning in a sea of guilt, beaten by a storm of fear.

Louise looked around, startled. She had heard a voice! Where had it come from? She had to find it, it was the first hint of company she had had in a long time. Surely, she hadn’t imagined it. No, there it was again. She couldn’t quite make it out but it was definitely there. No specific place that she could identify but there, nevertheless. She suspected that The Voice had been there a long time but amid the chaos, fear and confusion she just hadn’t been able to hear it. Composing herself, she tried to understand it, concentrating with all of the will that she could muster on just listening. Slowly, the fear began to recede and the words began to become clearer, she could almost make them out now. As she listened, she realized that something was changing around her. The storm was lessening in intensity and on the horizon she could make out a light, stable, pure and unblinking in the chaotic landscape. Still straining to listen, she stumbled towards it.

Paul could hear The Voice, too. For a moment he shrank from it, fearful of judgement – he was wretched, he could see it, so surely The Voice would, too. His need overcame his fear, though. He needed help and so he didn’t just listen for the voice, he embraced it with all of his being. Straightaway, he felt better, calmer. The Voice steadied him. He remembered things, other voices, the instructions of a teacher, and an insistent bark on the parade ground. Stand up straight! Attention! The Voice wasn’t judging him, it was simply instructing him. Gratefully, he grasped at those instructions, aware that following them was his path to safety. Quick, march! He had a destination. Fear and shame were gradually forgotten as he followed The Voice towards the light. For a moment, his earlier reactions seemed faintly

38 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2 ridiculous; then he realized that they were simply irrelevant. The storm abated but he hardly noticed; all he was aware of was The Voice. The landscape around him was changing, becoming more ordered, featureless and bland but no longer filled with images of terror and guilt.

Elsewhere, Louise finally managed to hear The Voice and instantly, she recoiled from it. Recognition reignited her dwindling fear. That was what she had been running from in the first place. The Voice. It offered release from fear but only at a cost too terrible to contemplate. She still wasn’t entirely sure why that was but she knew that it was so. Looking ahead, she saw that the light on the horizon was receding again, as the storm picked up in intensity but that no longer worried her. She knew with certainty that she would rather go anywhere than into that sterile nothingness. She understood now that this landscape was some sort of nightmare, a place of fear but fear was something she could understand. Turning her back to the fading light, she closed her mind to The Voice and strode back into the storm, embracing her fear. As she did so, she awoke.

“This unsuitable for conversion. Delete.” This voice was mechanical, dispassionate and she recognized in it what she had feared in The Voice. She looked up from the table she was lying on and remembered, with a sudden shock, the things that had taken her and Paul. She looked down, saw her new body of metal and plastic, the body her mind had so thoroughly rejected and screamed, an electronic scream that gave her no relief. As the thing above her raised some sort of weapon, she looked frantically about for Paul but could not see him. There were only more of the things, some standing, some on tables like her. One or two of them were thrashing and screaming but most were calm. As she began to comprehend exactly what had happened, she was bathed in an eerie light and, mercifully, it ended.

It marched into the light and awoke. It lifted itself from the table and dispassionately considered the broken remains of a failed conversion on the table opposite. It was no longer frightened. No longer guilty. No longer happy. No longer Paul.

It was, simply, ready.

39 Fish Fingers and Custard Issue 2

40