Stir the Soul and Soothe the Mind
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MAY 5, 1992 THE RETRIEVER / PAGE 11 Can a feature writer hold on to his sanity? A look back at (from ELVIS, page 10) But I wasn't so sure. And now, tex, and left me drooling and a hunk of burning telegraph cable as the enraged healer's crackling babbling upon my restraining har- was roaring in my face: "Lies! Yellow journalism! You spittle flashed past my head—"Lies! ness, throughout English 480? "Wise guy, huh? WISE GUY? should be ashamed!" Yellow rag! Shameful!"—and I TVs last shows Take "My Interview With Come in here, make fun of my We were standing in a courthouse struggled to soothe this wrath- Andre," for example. wrestlers? You reporters . last (from TV, page 10) Cliff and Claire dancing off corridor, in Memphis, in 1981. "Dr. ful pill-authorizer ("Only doing A few years ago, I was assigned guy like you in here, sonofabitch together; Happy Days, in which Nick" Nichopolous was on trial for my job, sir"), I found myself to write a feature story about said we was using chicken blood on ended their long runs on high the whole cast reassembled for allegedly feeding more than 5,000 worrying about another question, professional wrestling for The Sun. our wrestlers, kiss my ass, chicken notes: Joanie and Chachi's wedding; "uppers" to The King, shortly entirely .... So, I went down to the Baltimore blood, a thing like that!" Newhart: Perhaps the greatest, Three's Company, which spun the before the latter's death in 1977. I Was Elvis, in fact, dead? Arena and talked to Andre The most clever final episode ever Jack Tripper character off into was covering the trial for The "Chicken blood?" I croaked. For days, all over Memphis, I'd Giant. Andre is 7 feet tall, give or Were we still in Belgium? Over his filmed was also a variation on the the disappointing Three's a Baltimore Sun—and my daily sto- been hearing spooky reports: He take two feet, and weighs about 490 "it was all just a dream" theme. Crowd series; and the tear-jerking ries were running all over the shoulder, I caught sight of a green isn't dead. He's being held by the pounds. EXIT sign—that, surely, was the But this time, when Bob Newhart finale to The Mary Tyler Moore country via a press syndicate. CIA, somewhere in New Jersey. Dr. woke up, he was in bed with Show. As a "feature writer," I was He was scowling. Hard. My place to run. Nick was actually working for The blood ran cold, as I realized that Suzanne Pleshette, his wife on the That's what I hate about these expected to paint a vivid portrait Company. There were two Elvis "FookT roared Andre. The Bob Newhart Show from the he regarded me—and all the rest of "Smearing 'em, that last guy said. last shows. They really try to pull of the proceedings. Only the day Presleys—they were switched at '70s. He remembered that he had at your heart strings, with char- \ before, in fact, I'd reported some us bloodsuckers in the media—with Smearing 'em with chicken blood! birth. an icy, brilliant, entirely justified just had the "strangest dream." acters that you've come to know shocking testimony in which a Could it be? My wrestlers? Hah!" The cigar The ending was a total surprise scorn. Nonetheless, I had a job to fizzed, flashed like a maniac's and love. But when a show sticks witness had described a frantic I watched Dr. Nick's head bal- do. because none of the tabloids or around too long (which is the case Elvis, his right buttock exposed, loon toward me like a gigantic, sparkler. "You gonna write chicken TV Guide had spoiled it for the "Andre, sir," I said, fighting to blood?" for most long-running series—the waiting in the wings of a Las Vegas purple eggplant: "Lies! You should rest of the public. networks milk them for all they're , nightclub for Dr. Nick to hit him know better!" Trembling, I took a keep the lid on my bladder, "do you "Sir?" I said. "I'm only—" MASH: This is the highest like your job?" worth), it's equally sad. Then, j with a shot of "speed," so that his few steps backwards . and then "Fookr rated single episode of any show Andre, who is deeply French, what happens often, they don't high-energy act could begin. the awful insight flashed like lightn- "Call me Marvin!" in TV history. A real powerful get that proper good-bye: studied me for a moment. Then he "Look," I said. "WHERE'S DR. NICK? ing down my heaving synapses: episode (that's never shown in Laverne and Shirley: became WHERE'S DR. NICK!" "You no longer understand reality!" bellowed: "Fookr "Fookr reruns), the program opened with (This is French, apparently, for "Just trying to do my job," I said. just Laverne, when Cindy Willi- According to the witness, the Had Elvis been taken aboard a Hawkeye (Alan Alda) in a mental ams left. For a year, Penny Mar- ; white-maned medico had come UFO and fed Frozen Chinese/ a well-known curse-word.) "Marvin, is it?" hospital just as the Korean War "How's that, sir?" I smiled shall went on alone before ABC running through the wings, syringe Mexican Diet TV Dinners until he I closed my eyes. It was beginning was coming to an end. The final abruptly brought down the axe. held high . then, POW!, he had confessed? desperately. again. Had Elvis been metamor- show (with a two hour running plunged that drug-stinger into Elvis' Had Elvis been taken to Bayonne "Fookl" phosed into Howard Hunt, com- time) features some fine perfor- Head of the Class: It took these j shuddering haunch: and transferred into the body of Brightly, I held up my pencil. plete with red wig? Was Tammy mances by perhaps one of the best high school geniuses five years to SHOWTIME! Tammy ("Stand By Your Man!") "Can I get a spelling on that?" Faye Bakker really in love with me, ensembles of actors ever graduate! "And now, Ladies and gentle- Wynette? All at once, he came up out of as I suspected, or was it only a assembled, and the closing ten All in the Family: It took men, the man you've all been Gaping, I fought for air. Dr. Nick his metal folding-chair. (Imagine a pretense? Why did William Donald minutes where everyone says Gloria and Mike moving away, ' waiting for—" sneered horribly, and spun on his Dipsty-Dumpster, suddenly ani- Schaefer keep driving out to peo- good-bye is a real tear-jerker. The Edith dying, and Archie Bunker And thousands of blue-haired heel. His friends and supporters mated, growling in your face.) ple's houses, knocking on their scene where the whole camp is spinning off into a whole other •retired telephone operators from sneered next, and then spun on their "Fook!" He pointed a forefinger doors, and then waving their critical assembled, and they all tell what show to end this. Sandusky had come to their feet, heels. I limped after them . the size of the World Trade Center letters at them, while roaring: they're going to do when they get Diffrent Strokes: Seeing Gary roaring like some kind of unchained muttering softly to myself: "Feature at my shivering nose. "Vouslike "Whaddya think about that shit- home, is one of the great scenes Coleman in high school was a orgasmic behemoth in the vodka- writing ... 20 years of it . and your . zzhob , eh?" house they call the Eastern Shore?" in television history. depressing sight (the same can be fueled spasm of another Vegas the price was your sanity!" Zzhob? I blinked slowly. Fighting And finally, eyes locked help- Family Ties: I liked this episode said of Webster. ■ shitkicker-revue: off a suicidal urge to bark lessly on the redwood-sized biceps because it didn't tie every char- Dynasty: ended on a cliff- Well-ah, you-ah know I can be Yes, I'm brain-damaged. " Pardonnez-moi?" I instead of trie snarling Andre, the toughest acter's life up. Of the Keaton hanger in 1989, and wasn't "found. Why should I deny it? Why moaned something like: "Please question of all: children, only Alex's (Michael J. resolved until a four-hour mini- , Sittin'home all alone . should I pretend? After two and a don't hurt me, sir." Who put the duh in the duh-duh- Fox) future was certain, as the last series last year. If you can't come around. half decades of writing about Elvis He began to roam about the duhl show had him going off to Wall And there are still other shows Please, please telephone . Presley, Frank Sinatra, Evel Knie- room, muttering and breaking Street for a big, high-paying job. which are resurrected for TV " Had "Dr. Nick" killed Elvis with vel, Tammy Faye Bakker, William chairs. My mind raced: How do I Feature writing, my friends. The focus of the hour-long pro- Movies-of-the-Week like Perry speed, accidentally or otherwise? Donald Schaefer and Andre The get outta here? Another 30 seconds, You learn a few things about gram was Elyse's feelings over her Mason, Eight is Enough, The The prosecutor in Tennessee Giant, why should I resist the idea— and the Nuge is histoire! human nature. first child "leaving the nest." After Love Boat, Gilligan's Island, even 'thought so.