WELCOME TO OUR VILLAGE, PLEASE INVADE CAREFULLY

EPISODE 2.3: QUESTIONING LOYALTIES

BY EDDIE ROBSON

Lawrence/ Scottish Doctor Michael Bertenshaw Richard Peter Davison Uljabaan Charles Edwards Margaret Jan Francis Ron Dave Lamb Kat Hattie Morahan Lucy Hannah Murray Computer / Graham John-Luke Roberts

Producer: Ed Morrish

Reh/Rx: 14:00-22:00, 27/06/14

Venue: BBC Radio Theatre, Broadcasting House, London W1W 1AA

Charge Code: PAH – 4231 – VILL

Tape/ Prog No: PLN 425 14 LJ 0029 LH0

SMs: Marc Wilcox and Victoria Prandle

PC: Matthew Oldham

TX: BBC Radio 4, 11:30, 29/10/14

1

1 GRAMS SWARM OF EVIL (UNDER)

2 INTRO: Welcome To Our Village, Please Invade Carefully, by Eddie Robson. Episode three: Questioning Loyalties.

3 GRAMS OUT

2

SCENE 1 EXT. PARK

1 F/X: LAWRENCE, THE PARK KEEPER (40s), JANGLES HIS KEYS AS HE PREPARES TO UNLOCK A SHED.

2 KATRINA: Lawrence! Don’t open that shed!

3 LAWRENCE: Hello Katrina. How’s your mum and dad?

4 KATRINA: Normal. Just like everything else. Completely normal.

5 LAWRENCE: Must be a bit funny, living with them again, staying in your old bedroom, now you’re 34!

6 KATRINA: Yes, it’s hilarious. In fact it’s one of the most amusing things about being trapped in a village that’s been invaded by aliens and cut off from the outside world.

7 LAWRENCE: Isn’t it strange how life turns out.

8 KATRINA: It’s stranger than I expected, I’ll grant you that.

9 LAWRENCE: I need to get on and mow this grass, so if you could just let me get into the shed –

10 KATRINA: Don’t look in the shed!

11 LAWRENCE: Why not?

3

1 KATRINA: Take a break. Put your feet up. I’ll mow the grass.

2 LAWRENCE: But you don’t know how to drive the ride-on mower.

3 KATRINA: I drive ride-on lawnmowers all the time.

4 LAWRENCE: I thought you worked for an educational charity in London.

5 KATRINA: I did. I do.

6 LAWRENCE: Why’d you drive a ride-on lawnmower then?

7 KATRINA: Because... they’re... exempt from the Congestion Charge.

8 LAWRENCE: I’ll have to remember that next time I’m down.

9 KATRINA: Yes, although by then the entire planet will probably have been invaded by aliens, seeing as how Lucy and I are the only ones trying to stop them.

10 LAWRENCE: Oh, I expect it’ll all blow over.

11 KATRINA: Yes, probably, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. So if you want to run along, I’ll mow this grass for you.

12 LAWRENCE: No, you’re all right. Until this alien invasion business, I hadn’t realised just how much of my sense of identity was bound up with keeping an expanse of grass from growing past a certain point.

4

1 F/X: LAWRENCE STARTS UNLOCKING THE SHED.

2 KATRINA: Lawrence! No –

3 F/X: AND HE OPENS THE SHED DOOR.

4 LAWRENCE: Good lord!

5 MINION: (ALIEN PATHETIC HELP)

6 LUCY: This isn’t what it looks like.

7 LAWRENCE: It looks like you’ve tied up one of the lower-ranking aliens so you can hold him hostage, Lucy.

8 LUCY: Oh! That’s alright then. I was afraid it looked like we were doing some kind of bondage game.

9 LAWRENCE: I don’t want to get implicated in this. I’m reporting it to their leader.

10 KATRINA: No! Lawrence, this is your chance to make a difference to the future of the human race. Every great man in history has had a moment like this. Do you have that greatness in you?

11 LAWRENCE: (BEAT) Nah.

12 F/X: LAWRENCE STRIDES AWAY.

13 KATRINA: You coward, Lawrence! History will not judge you kindly!

5

1 LAWRENCE: (OFF) See you at the pub quiz tonight?

2 KATRINA: Yes, I’ll be there. (TO LUCY) So what now?

3 LUCY: We could have a ride round the park on the ride-on lawnmower?

4 KATRINA: (BEAT) All right, but I’m driving.

5 MINION: (ALIEN ME TOO?)

6 KATRINA: No, not you too.

6

SCENE 2 INT. ULJABAAN’S HOUSE

1 F/X: USUAL AMBIANCE.

2 MARGARET: Mr Uljabaan, I wondered if I might raise some of the residents’ issues with you.

3 ULJABAAN: Fine, Margaret, but I can’t promise I’ll listen. When I hear about the problems of lesser life forms I tend to tune out.

4 MARGARET: (BEAT) Right.

5 ULJABAAN: No offence.

6 MARGARET: If you say so. Now. Linda Morgan is pregnant.

7 ULJABAAN: Really?

8 MARGARET: I know, it’s such good news. They’ve been trying for years.

9 ULJABAAN: Computer?

10 COMPUTER: Yes?

11 ULJABAAN: Make a note – it seems those chemicals we put in the humans’ water supply have had the opposite effect.

12 MARGARET: What chemicals?

7

1 ULJABAAN: Nothing important. So what do you want me to do?

2 MARGARET: She needs her three-month scan.

3 COMPUTER: I can do that. I can also project a hologram of a man in a white coat with a reassuring manner, sympathetic eyes and a soothing Scottish accent.

4 F/X: BLEEP: HOLOGRAM APPEARS.

5 HOLOGRAM DOCTOR: What seems to be the problem?

6 MARGARET: Ooh, that’s very good.

7 ULJABAAN: Thank you Computer, that’s enough.

8 F/X: HOLOGRAM IS SWITCHED OFF.

9 ULJABAAN: Anything else?

10 MARGARET: A very minor thing – I’d like you to cut down the pear tree John and Claire Alexander have in their front garden.

11 ULJABAAN: Why?

12 MARGARET: Do you know why we didn’t win Best Kept Village In Buckinghamshire in 2009?

13 ULJABAAN: Because there was at least one village in Buckinghamshire that was better kept than this one?

8

1 MARGARET: That tree overhangs the pavement, and they never pick the pears so every autumn they just get trodden into the path. I told them to clean up the mulch before the judges came, but whilst everyone else was pulling together, painting the benches, repointing the brickwork and creating a floral tribute to Tim Henman on the village green, the Alexanders swanned off to a matinee of Les Mis and left the pears to rot.

2 ULJABAAN: Right. But as you’re not going to be entering Best Kept Village In Buckinghamshire again any time soon, [it seems –]

3 F/X: LAWRENCE RUSHES IN.

4 LAWRENCE: Mr Uljabaan, sir!

5 ULJABAAN: What is it, Park Keeper?

6 LAWRENCE: I’ve just found one of your troops locked in my shed.

7 ULJABAAN: Ohhh – I thought I was one short. I assume Katrina Lyons was responsible?

8 LAWRENCE: Her and Lucy Alexander, yes.

9 MARGARET: I’m so sorry.

10 ULJABAAN: It isn’t your fault. (BEAT) Well, except in the sense that if you hadn’t chosen to breed, she wouldn’t exist.

11 MARGARET: So, about this pear tree –

9

1 ULJABAAN: Yes – I’d rather not get involved, on the grounds that I find the entire business tedious and baffling.

2 MARGARET: (BEAT) As long as you’ve given it fair consideration.

3 ULJABAAN: I haven’t, really. That’s one of the perks of being in charge.

4 MARGARET: Goodbye then.

5 F/X: MARGARET LEAVES.

6 ULJABAAN: Thank you for bringing me this information, Park Keeper.

7 LAWRENCE: It’s no trouble, sir.

8 ULJABAAN: Your loyalty is appreciated. Computer! Stamp his loyalty card.

9 COMPUTER: Hold it out.

10 F/X: MECHANICAL STAMPING NOISE.

11 ULJABAAN: I see you have eight stamps. You may have a reward. What would you like?

12 LAWRENCE: I can ask for anything?

13 ULJABAAN: Yes.

14 LAWRENCE: And I can have it?

10

1 ULJABAAN: Well don’t take the piss, but yes.

11

SCENE 3 INT. LYONS HOUSE

1 F/X: KATRINA ENTERS.

2 KATRINA: Hi Dad.

3 RICHARD: Hello love. What have you been up to?

4 KATRINA: Kidnapped one of Uljabaan’s minions. Got found out. Let him go.

5 RICHARD: Cheer up, pub quiz tonight. We can make it five wins on the bounce – no team has ever done that in the modern era.

6 KATRINA: I bet Uljabaan stops me winning that too.

7 RICHARD: Why would he do that?

8 KATRINA: To deprive me, his sworn enemy, of a powerful symbolic victory.

9 RICHARD: Are you his sworn enemy?

10 KATRINA: He’s certainly sworn at me.

12

2 F/X: MARGARET ENTERS.

3 MARGARET: Oh, Katrina.

4 KATRINA: What are you Oh, Katrinaing me for now?

5 MARGARET: You tried to kidnap one of Mr Uljabaan’s troops, didn’t you.

6 KATRINA: I didn’t try to, Mum, I did. Why do you always have to belittle my success?

7 MARGARET: It was spectacularly ill-timed.

8 RICHARD: Why?

9 MARGARET: I was just about to convince Uljabaan to cut down the Alexanders’ pear tree.

10 KATRINA: Not the pear tree again. I thought you gave up on this years ago?

11 RICHARD: As far as your mother’s concerned, revenge is a dish best served long after everyone thinks it’s dead. Then it leaps up from the plate and bites your face off.

12 MARGARET: This is not about revenge.

1 RICHARD: She also believes revenge is a dish best served under another name entirely, so you think you’re being served a nice pie, whereas in fact you’re being served very, very cold revenge.

13

11 MARGARET: You may mock, but I’m going to get that tree taken down by hook or by crook.

12 KATRINA: If those are the choices, I’d go for the hook, but I think an axe might be more useful.

14

SCENE 4 INT. PUB

1 F/X: LIVELY ATMOSPHERE. RON HAS A MICROPHONE PLUGGED INTO THE SPEAKER SYSTEM.

2 RON: (D) Are we ready to start the quiz?

3 LAWRENCE: No, Ron – we’re still waiting for one of our team to get here.

4 RON: (D) All right, five minutes. Get on with the picture round while you’re waiting.

5 RICHARD: Easy picture round this week.

6 KATRINA: But what’s the connection?

7 RICHARD: They’re all Bond girls.

8 KATRINA: What about Kim Basinger?

9 RICHARD: She was in Never Say Never Again.

10 KATRINA: But Never Say Never Again isn’t a proper Bond film.

11 RICHARD: Ron thinks it is.

12 KATRINA: Even Sean Connery doesn’t think Never Say Never Again is a proper Bond film.

15

5 F/X: DOOR OPENS, MINION ENTERS.

6 MINION: (ALIEN GREETING)

7 LAWRENCE: Great, here he is – Ron, we can start.

8 KATRINA: One of Uljabaan’s troops is joining your team?

9 LAWRENCE: No, the thing he’s carrying is joining our team.

10 COMPUTER: Hello.

12 LAWRENCE: Yeah, just put him on the table.

13 F/X: MINION PUTS IT DOWN ON THE TABLE.

14 KATRINA: But that’s not fair. Uljabaan’s Computer has a database containing every book, newspaper and magazine ever published –

1 COMPUTER: Yes, and everything that’s ever been posted on the internet. Although I don’t read the comments, I’m not mad.

2 RICHARD: Ron – this is against the rules, isn’t it? No technology allowed.

3 RON: (D) We’ve never written the rules down. I like to keep it flexible.

4 RICHARD: But it’s an unwritten rule, surely?

16

5 RON: (D) No, we only have one unwritten rule and that is that we don’t write down the rules.

6 COMPUTER: Uljabaan said if I wasn’t allowed to take part, then he would make pub quizzes illegal, to be punishable by death.

7 RICHARD: (BEAT) Then maybe it isn’t in the rules.

8 KATRINA: Did you get this for telling Uljabaan we’d kidnapped one of his troops?

9 LAWRENCE: Partly.

10 KATRINA: Those bloody loyalty cards.

11 MINION: (ALIEN QUESTION?)

12 LAWRENCE: You’re alright mate, you can pick him up after the quiz.

13 MINION: (ALIEN RIGHTO)

1 F/X: MINION LEAVES.

2 RON: (D) Eyes down please. Round One. General Knowledge. Question One. What is the chemical symbol for magnesium?

3 COMPUTER: Big M, little g.

4 F/X: ALL THE TEAMS WRITE THIS DOWN.

17

5 LAWRENCE: Yeah great, but could you whisper?

6 COMPUTER: (WHISPERS) Sorry.

18

SCENE 4 EXT. PUB

1 F/X: MINION WALKS OUTSIDE. LUCY AND MARGARET ARE THERE.

2 LUCY: Did you tell Uljabaan to cut my Mum and Dad’s pear tree down?

3 MARGARET: I’m sorry, Lucy, but it has to go.

4 LUCY: But that’s murder!

5 MARGARET: No it isn’t.

6 MINION: (ALIEN STEADY ON LADIES)

7 MARGARET: Stay out of this, please.

8 MINION: (ALIEN SORRY)

9 LUCY: Oh, I’m sure you don’t like to think about it when you’re sitting reading a book, but the truth is, you’re stroking the chopped-up corpse of a tree. It’s disgusting.

10 MARGARET: Rest assured, Lucy, when this one is chopped down, I will have it respectfully cremated.

11 LUCY: You dreadful witch!

19

1 F/X: LUCY STORMS AWAY.

2 LUCY: (OFF) Wood is murder! Wood is murder! Books are butchery! Cardboard is carnage!

20

SCENE 6 INT. PUB

1 F/X: QUIZ WRAPPING UP.

2 RON: (D) Runners-up with sixty-nine points are Parallel Lyons...

3 F/X: RICHARD THROWS PENCIL DOWN.

4 RICHARD: Bloody hell.

5 RON: (D) And the winners with eighty-one points are Lawrence and the Machine!

6 F/X: LAWRENCE AND HIS TEAM CHEER. OTHERS GRUMBLE.

7 KATRINA: But there were only eighty questions.

8 RON: (D) They got a bonus point for having the best team name.

11 RICHARD: What a farce. One of the nicest things about being cut off from the outside world by an alien invasion was people couldn’t use their phones to cheat on the pub quiz. And now this!

1 KATRINA: I told you Uljabaan would put a stop to our winning streak somehow. It’s not enough to get at me – he has to hurt my family too.

2 RICHARD: I’m not hurt, love, it’s just annoying.

21

SCENE 7 INT. ULJABAAN’S HOUSE

1 F/X: NEXT MORNING. LAWRENCE ENTERS.

2 ULJABAAN: Ah, good morning, Park Keeper.

3 LAWRENCE: I just wanted to say thanks for letting us use your Computer in the pub quiz last night, Mr Uljabaan.

4 ULJABAAN: Not at all.

5 LAWRENCE: And if there’s anything else I can do, that might be appreciated in a similar way, prior to the next pub quiz, like if you need help cutting down the pear tree in the Alexanders’ front garden...

6 ULJABAAN: I don’t.

7 LAWRENCE: I’ve got a lot of experience removing large plants, and I’ve never lost a finger to a chainsaw yet. (BEAT) Two toes, but you don’t miss toes. Look, I can balance on one foot and you’d never know the difference.

8 ULJABAAN: I have no intention of cutting down the pear tree.

9 LAWRENCE: Why’s Lucy chained herself to it then?

10 ULJABAAN: Lucy Alexander?

22

1 LAWRENCE: Yeah. I say chain, she’s used an old bike lock. She said she wanted to save the tree from you.

4 ULJABAAN: Curious. Gantac here says he saw Miss Alexander arguing with Margaret about the tree outside the Rose & Crown last night. Computer?

5 COMPUTER: Yes?

6 ULJABAAN: Calculate the probability that Lucy Alexander would ever genuinely care about a tree.

7 F/X: BLEEP.

8 COMPUTER: Probability calculated at three point six four per cent.

9 ULJABAAN: Exactly as I thought.

10 COMPUTER: What, right down to the same number?

11 ULJABAAN: Broadly similar to what I thought. Thank you again for this information, Park Keeper.

12 LAWRENCE: Can I have the Computer for the next pub quiz?

13 ULJABAAN: Yes, Park Keeper, yes.

1 LAWRENCE: Brilliant. (BEAT) You do know that Park Keeper isn’t my name, don’t you?

23

2 ULJABAAN: I can make it your name if you continue to be insolent.

3 LAWRENCE: Sorry.

24

SCENE 8 INT. LYONS HOUSE (KITCHEN)

1 F/X: KATRINA ENTERS.

2 KATRINA: Morning Mum. Why are you looking out of the window?

3 MARGARET: There’s a man hiding in the coal bunker.

4 KATRINA: He’s not hiding very well, then, is he?

5 MARGARET: No. I think he’s spying on you.

6 KATRINA: What makes you think that?

7 MARGARET: Mostly, the cable that leads out of the coal bunker and is connected to a microphone that he’s wedged into the cat flap.

8 F/X: RICHARD ENTERS.

9 RICHARD: Is he still there?

10 MARGARET: Yes. What about the one hiding out front, in the wheelie bin?

11 RICHARD: I got rid of him.

12 MARGARET: How?

25

1 RICHARD: I took advantage of the ‘wheeled’ aspect of the wheelie bin. You know who it was?

2 MARGARET: Who?

3 RICHARD: Mike.

4 MARGARET: Why is Mike spying on us?

5 RICHARD: Isn’t it obvious? He wants to win the pub quiz.

6 KATRINA: Oh bloody hell.

7 RICHARD: If they find out something about Katrina and dob her in to Uljabaan, they’re hoping they’ll get the Computer on their team. I bet that’s Gary Morley in the coal bunker.

8 MARGARET: How are we going to get rid of him?

9 RICHARD: Set fire to the coal?

10 KATRINA: I expect he’ll go away if he learns something he can tell Uljabaan, such as (LOUDLY) I put poison in Uljabaan’s morning coffee and at any moment he might drink it and die.

11 F/X: PAUSE. NOTHING HAPPENS.

12 KATRINA: (LOUDLY) Although if someone got there in time to warn him, his life would be saved and he’d be eternally grateful.

26

1 F/X: OUTSIDE, SOMEONE GETS OUT OF A COAL BUNKER AND RUNS FROM THE GARDEN.

2 MARGARET: There he goes. What a lot of fuss just to win a silly pub quiz.

3 RICHARD: Ah, now Margaret, I’ve been to silly pub quizzes and the Rose & Crown’s pub quiz is not silly.

4 KATRINA: Lucy and I are having a resistance meeting later, maybe we can work something out then.

5 MARGARET: I’m not sure you will.

6 KATRINA: Oh, ye of little faith. We might think of something.

7 MARGARET: I meant, I don’t think you’ll be having the meeting because Lucy is chained to a tree.

8 RICHARD: Who chained her to a tree?

9 MARGARET: She chained herself to the tree.

10 KATRINA: That’s bloody inconsiderate of her.

11 MARGARET: I’m on my way out to see her now, I’ll tell her you said that.

12 KATRINA: Yes, do.

13 F/X: MARGARET LEAVES.

27

1 KATRINA: I think we need to get Ron onside. Let’s go and see him as soon as I’ve had a shower.

2 RICHARD: Right. I did a sweep of the bathroom earlier and I’m ninety per cent sure I’ve removed all the hidden cameras.

3 KATRINA: Or maybe I’ll skip the shower today.

28

SCENE 9 EXT. LUCY’S HOUSE

1 F/X: ULJABAAN APPROACHES.

2 ULJABAAN: Sorry I’m late. Some idiot ran into my HQ screaming about how my coffee had been poisoned. I don’t even drink coffee.

3 MARGARET: That’s quite all right.

4 ULJABAAN: Ah! Good morning, Miss Alexander.

5 LUCY: Good morning, Mr Tree-Murdering Murder-y McMurderer.

6 ULJABAAN: Why do you want to save this tree?

7 LUCY: Because trees are like, life, and the lungs of the planet, and stuff.

8 ULJABAAN: I cut down four trees behind the church last week and you didn’t chain yourself to any of those.

9 LUCY: OK, I didn’t want to admit it, but this tree... is special. It’s like... the sister I never had.

10 MARGARET: Oh, really –

29

1 LUCY: It’s true. I climbed it, I played in it, when the pears fell I made pear crumble out of them... and I’ve never told anyone this, but when Mum and Dad were arguing, I’d come out here and talk to it, and it sounds silly but... it was always there for me.

2 ULJABAAN: (BEAT; TOUCHED) I see. Well, if that’s –

3 MARGARET: Oh don’t be so gullible.

4 ULJABAAN: (COLLECTING HIMSELF) What?

5 MARGARET: You don’t believe any of this rubbish do you?

6 ULJABAAN: No no, of course not.

7 LUCY: But it’s true.

8 ULJABAAN: She says it’s true.

9 MARGARET: She’s never climbed this tree in her life. Her parents never argue, they are in fact largely indifferent to each other. And I bet she couldn’t even tell you what the three main ingredients of a crumble topping are.

10 LUCY: (BEAT) Sugar... milk and... rice?

11 MARGARET: She’s clearly got another reason for protecting this tree and she doesn’t want you to know what it is.

12 ULJABAAN: Miss Alexander, I’m taking you for interrogation.

30

1 LUCY: How are you going to do that when I’m chained to this tree? Didn’t think of that, did you?

2 ULJABAAN: Yes, I did. I can threaten you until you tell me what the combination for the bike lock is, or cut through the bike lock with a laser, or simply uproot the tree with you still attached to it and take you and the tree in for interrogation.

3 LUCY: Oh yeah. All right, I’ll tell you the combination.

4 ULJABAAN: Very wise. Gantac!

5 MINION: (ALIEN YES LEADER?)

6 ULJABAAN: Write this down.

7 MINION: (ALIEN OK)

8 LUCY: The combination is: one...

9 MINION: (ALIEN ONE...)

10 LUCY: Two...

11 MINION: (ALIEN TWO...)

12 LUCY: Three...

13 MINION: (ALIEN THREE...)

31

1 LUCY: Four.

2 MINION: (ALIEN FOU-)

3 ULJABAAN: Thank you, Gantac, I’ve managed to commit it to memory.

32

SCENE 10 INT. PUB

1 F/X: KATRINA AND RICHARD ARE MEETING WITH RON.

2 RON: Look, I know it isn’t in the spirit of it –

3 RICHARD: It’s so far from being in the spirit of it, it can’t even see the spirit of it because the spirit of it is over the horizon.

4 RON: But it’s driving up interest in the quiz. Even people who are useless at pub quizzes think they can win if they can get the Computer on their team.

9 RICHARD: This might pull in a few extra punters at first – but anyone who doesn’t get the Computer on their team is going to stop turning up, it’ll be a foregone conclusion.

1 RON: They can play for second place. Second place wins a voucher for twenty-five per cent off tapas.

2 KATRINA: OK, firstly – a bowl of baked beans with some chopped-up black pudding in it is not tapas, and secondly these people have their pride. Graham has been entering every week for eight years. You think he’s playing for second place? No – he thinks he has a chance of winning.

3 RON: He doesn’t have a chance of winning.

33

4 KATRINA: No, but he turns up anyway. And that misguided belief in his ability to overcome his own sub-mediocrity is what makes humanity what it is. But even someone as slow-witted as Graham will realise he can’t beat a Computer that knows everything.

5 GRAHAM: Are you talking about me?

6 KATRINA: No, Graham. You just go on doing your wordsearch.

7 RICHARD: You haven’t been eavesdropping on us, have you?

8 GRAHAM: Why would I do that?

9 KATRINA: Ironically, if you’d been eavesdropping on us, then you’d know why you might want to eavesdrop on us.

10 GRAHAM: I’ve been concentrating so hard on the wordsearch I didn’t notice you were there. I’ve only got one more word to find and I can’t see it for the life of me.

1 RICHARD: What’s the word?

2 GRAHAM: ‘Wordsearch’.

3 KATRINA: Graham, that’s not one of the words you have to find, it’s the name of the puzzle.

4 GRAHAM: So does that mean I’ve finished?

5 KATRINA: Yes. 34

6 GRAHAM: Then I think I deserve the rest of the day off!

7 F/X: GRAHAM LEAVES THE PUB.

8 RON: All right – I’m in. But how can we stop this?

9 RICHARD: We can’t stop the Computer entering the quiz.

10 KATRINA: So we need to somehow make the Computer useless in the quiz.

11 F/X: MARGARET ENTERS.

12 MARGARET: There you are.

13 KATRINA: Lucy’s not with you, is she?

14 MARGARET: No, she’s busy.

1 KATRINA: Honestly. Doesn’t she realise I’m striking an important blow against the alien occupation by trying to win this pub quiz?

2 MARGARET: I just walked past Graham coming out. It’s a bit early for him, isn’t it?

3 RON: Not these days, Margaret. Things aren’t great between him and Carol. Some days she just stares at him until he leaves the house.

35

4 MARGARET: You know that until the invasion happened, she was going to leave him and shack up with that chap in Amersham?

5 RICHARD: Everyone knows that.

6 MARGARET: Apart from Graham.

7 KATRINA: Ron... I’ve got an idea. Announce that you’re holding a bonus pub quiz tonight.

8 RON: I can’t do that!

9 KATRINA: Why not?

10 RON: Because it’s Wednesday. Wednesday night is salsa dancing.

11 RICHARD: Ron, skip the salsa dancing. It’s awkward anyway when no women turn up.

12 RON: It’s not a problem for those of us who are at ease with their sexuality.

1 RICHARD: I’m perfectly at ease with my sexuality, but I still don’t want to dance cheek to cheek with David Whittam.

2 RON: What if I tell him he has to shave first?

3 RICHARD: Still no.

36

SCENE 11 INT. ULJABAAN’S HOUSE

1 F/X: COMPUTER RUNNING IN BACKGROUND.

2 ULJABAAN: How goes the interrogation, Computer? Has Miss Alexander talked yet?

3 COMPUTER: Yes.

4 ULJABAAN: Excellent!

5 COMPUTER: But not about the tree.

6 ULJABAAN: Then what has she talked about?

7 COMPUTER: The actor Ryan Gosling, whether there’s any actual difference between Diet Coke and Coke Zero, why she doesn’t use conditioner on her hair –

8 ULJABAAN: I will speak to her myself.

9 F/X: ULJABAAN STANDS, ENTERS ROOM WHERE LUCY IS BEING INTERROGATED BY A MINION.

10 LUCY: ...the second album was really disappointing. Have you heard it?

11 MINION: (ALIEN NO)

37

1 LUCY: For god’s sake – have you heard any Earth music at all?

2 MINION: (ER... MUMFORD AND SONS)

3 LUCY: Mumford and Sons? Get out.

4 ULJABAAN: Yes, Yartek, get out. I’m taking over.

5 MINION: (ALIEN FINE)

6 F/X: MINION STOMPS AWAY.

7 LUCY: Yeah, go and listen to your Mumford and Sons.

8 F/X: DOOR CLOSES.

9 LUCY: (MUTTERS) Mumford and Sons.

10 ULJABAAN: Now, Miss Alexander. Tell me why you want to protect the tree.

11 LUCY: I’ll never tell you in a million years.

12 ULJABAAN: Ah, so you admit there is something to tell.

13 LUCY: (BEAT) Oh yeah. Lying’s hard.

14 ULJABAAN: Then tell me the truth.

15 LUCY: No.

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1 ULJABAAN: Tell me.

2 LUCY: Never!

3 ULJABAAN: Then I shall be forced to use... the mind probe.

4 LUCY: All right, I’ll tell you then.

5 ULJABAAN: Really?

6 LUCY: Yeah, I don’t want you to use the mind probe. What is the mind probe?

7 ULJABAAN: It’s a device for probing your mind.

8 LUCY: Sounds nasty.

9 ULJABAAN: It really is. Now speak, youngling! What is the truth behind this tree?

10 LUCY: (SIGHS) You know how you disabled all communications with the outside world when you invaded the village?

11 ULJABAAN: Yes.

12 LUCY: Well you missed one. I found a broadband cable that still works, running under the pear tree in our front garden.

13 ULJABAAN: If it still works, why haven’t you used it to summon help yet?

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1 LUCY: Nobody would believe it, would they? We need evidence first. Anyway, that’s why I didn’t want you to pull up the tree.

2 ULJABAAN: Foolish girl. You’ve played right into my hands. Instead of protecting the tree, your actions have only drawn attention to it.

3 LUCY: Oh... yeah, I didn’t think it through did I.

4 ULJABAAN: Yartek – gather three other troops, a chainsaw, some shovels and a tractor beam, and convene at Miss Alexander’s house. Computer? (PAUSE) Computer?

5 MINION: (ALIEN EXPLANATION)

6 ULJABAAN: What do you mean, gone to the pub quiz?

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SCENE 12 INT. PUB

1 F/X: PUB ATMOSPHERE. LAWRENCE WALKS PAST, WITH THE COMPUTER.

2 LAWRENCE: Evening.

3 MARGARET: Good evening, Lawrence.

4 LAWRENCE: Margaret? You’ve never done the pub quiz before.

5 MARGARET: No, but Katrina thought I might enjoy this one.

6 LAWRENCE: You picked a bad week to start. We are going to walk it tonight.

7 KATRINA: Feeling confident, then?

8 COMPUTER: Yes. I’ve checked to make sure I know all of the facts, and I do. I know all of the facts. I’ve calculated the chances of us winning at ninety-nine point seven six per cent.

9 LAWRENCE: Why not a hundred?

10 COMPUTER: Well it is a hundred really, but if I say that and it all goes wrong, everyone will blame me.

11 RON: (D) Right! If you’re quizzing tonight, please take your seats.

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1 RICHARD: Good luck, chaps.

2 COMPUTER: Thank you. We will not be wishing you good luck because luck is an irrational concept.

3 F/X: LAWRENCE AND THE COMPUTER WALK AWAY.

4 RON: (D) Welcome to bonus quiz night at the Rose & Crown. Usual form, eighty questions. Eyes down for question one: why did Graham’s wife Carol threaten to divorce him in July 2008?

5 GRAHAM: What?

6 RON: (D) Would you like me to repeat the question?

7 GRAHAM: Not really, no.

8 RON: (D) Why did Graham’s wife Carol threaten to divorce him in July 2008?

9 LAWRENCE: You mean... our Graham? The one who’s sitting over there?

10 RON: (D) Yes.

11 LAWRENCE: That’s not a proper pub quiz question.

12 RON: (D) Yes it is. We’re in a pub and there was a question mark at the end.

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1 COMPUTER: This can’t be right. The questions can’t be about the people involved in the quiz.

5 LAWRENCE: Don’t you know the answer?

6 COMPUTER: Of course I don’t know!

7 RICHARD: (LOW) Well, love?

8 MARGARET: (LOW) It was because he took out a two thousand pound loan to buy a hot tub for their back garden the day after she’d been made redundant.

9 F/X: RICHARD WRITES THIS DOWN.

10 KATRINA: (LOW) Excellent.

11 RON: (D) Question two: Who really smashed the passenger window on Janine’s Ford Focus on Christmas Eve 2002?

12 F/X: MUTTERS AND SCRIBBLING.

13 MARGARET: (LOW) She did it herself.

1 F/X: RICHARD WRITES THIS DOWN.

2 RON: (D) And for a bonus point, why?

3 MARGARET: (LOW) To get out of visiting her father in the hospice on Christmas Day. This is fun!

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4 KATRINA: It’s a shame Lucy isn’t here.

5 MARGARET: Yes, I would have thought Uljabaan would have finished interrogating her by now.

6 KATRINA: Interrogating her?

7 RON: (D) Question three. How much money did Roger Lambert lose when his property empire collapsed in 1989?

8 MARGARET: (LOW) Trick question. He didn’t lose any money because he put everything in Jessica’s name.

9 F/X: RICHARD WRITES THIS DOWN.

10 KATRINA: Why’s Uljabaan interrogating Lucy?

11 MARGARET: She’s been trying to convince him that she and you have found a working broadband cable underneath the pear tree in her front garden.

12 RICHARD: Have you?

1 KATRINA: No.

2 MARGARET: No, Lucy and I made it up.

3 RON: (D) Question four. During her breakdown in the summer of 1996, Laura Phillips started stalking which popular television actor?

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4 MARGARET: (LOW) Jimmy Nail.

5 F/X: RICHARD WRITES THIS DOWN.

6 KATRINA: Why did you make up this stuff about the broadband cable?

7 RICHARD: To get rid of the pear tree.

8 MARGARET: As soon as Lucy started trying to protect it, he got suspicious. Of course we had to make it convincing, so at first she claimed she had a sentimental attachment to the tree.

9 KATRINA: Lucy doesn’t have a sentimental attachment to anything except some of the minor characters from Finding Nemo.

10 RON: (D) Question five. Which one of Mike and Madeleine’s children isn’t his?

11 MARGARET: (LOW) Amy. Though I’ve always had my suspicious about Thomas as well, I mean have you seen how tall he’s getting?

12 RICHARD: (LOW) He is only looking for one answer though.

1 MARGARET: (LOW) Just put Amy.

2 F/X: RICHARD WRITES THIS DOWN.

3 RICHARD: So, you’re finally getting your revenge for losing the Best Kept Village competition.

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4 KATRINA: And Lucy’s getting to ruin her parents’ garden.

5 RICHARD: Why does she want to do that?

6 KATRINA: She thinks they love it more than they love her.

7 RICHARD: She’s possibly right.

8 RON: (D) Question six. Where did Colin and Cindy’s daughter Beth go on her gap year in 2005?

9 MARGARET: (LOW) Prison.

10 F/X: RICHARD WRITES THIS DOWN.

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SCENE 13 EXT. LUCY’S HOUSE

1 F/X: SOUND OF DIGGING AND UPROOTING.

2 LUCY: I was sure it ran under the tree.

3 ULJABAAN: Rest assured, we will find it. Even if we have to destroy all of these rose bushes.

4 LUCY: Oh no. I hope you don’t have to do that. And if you have to move that creepy cherub statue, be careful not to break it.

5 ULJABAAN: (TO MINIONS) Move the statue.

6 F/X: THE STATUE IS DROPPED AND SMASHED INTO PIECES.

7 LUCY: Maybe it’s under the rockery.

8 ULJABAAN: You think we can be deterred by a few rocks?

9 LUCY: No, absolutely not.

10 ULJABAAN: Destroy the rockery!

11 F/X: CRUNCH OF PICK-AXE INTO ROCKERY.

12 LUCY: Haha! Oh that’s awful.

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SCENE 14 INT. PUB

1 F/X: RON IS READING OUT THE ANSWERS.

2 RON: (D) ...question seventy-nine – answer to that one is because he was having an affair with a member of the House of Lords who can’t be named for legal reasons.

3 RICHARD: I think we’re on full marks so far.

4 MARGARET: They could try making it difficult next time.

5 F/X: ULJABAAN ENTERS.

6 ULJABAAN: Everyone – an exciting opportunity has suddenly come up to do some work for me!

7 RON: (D) I’m in the middle of doing the answers for the pub quiz.

8 ULJABAAN: Oh. I’m sorry.

9 RON: (D) That’s all right. Question eighty –

10 ULJABAAN: No, I mean I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that I care. I’m digging up the Alexanders’ front garden, and if anyone wants to help, I might see my way to letting you have the Computer for the next quiz...

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1 F/X: EVERYONE IS UNIMPRESSED.

2 ULJABAAN: Nobody? Not even you, Park Keeper?

3 LAWRENCE: What, this useless piece of junk?

4 COMPUTER: See, this is why I said ninety-nine point seven six per cent.

5 RON: (D) And the answer to question eighty – whose fault was it that we lost the Buckinghamshire Best Kept Village competition in 2009...

6 MARGARET: Another easy one.

7 RON: (D) ...is Lucy Alexander.

8 MARGARET: (BEAT) No, we lost because of the rotten pears.

9 LAWRENCE: No, we managed to steer the judges away from their street, so they never saw the mess there.

10 RON: (D) But Lucy hid on the roof of the bus shelter and dropped a dog turd on one of the judges for a laugh.

11 MARGARET: Is this true?

12 F/X: PUB SAYS YES.

13 RON: (D) Bit surprised you didn’t know actually, Margaret.

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1 KATRINA: Mum? You’re not going to take some elaborate and protracted revenge on Lucy, are you? Mum?

2 COMPUTER: If anyone's interested, I can calculate the answer to this question with 100% accuracy.

END OF JOKES.

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1 GRAMS: SWARM OF EVIL (UNDER)

2 CREDITS: Welcome To Our Village, Please Invade Carefully featured Michael Bertenshaw as Lawrence; Peter Davison as Richard; Charles Edwards as Uljabaan; Jan Francis as Margaret; Dave Lamb as Ron; Hattie Morahan as Katrina; Hannah Murray as Lucy; and John-Luke Roberts as The Computer. It was written by Eddie Robson and script-edited by Arthur Mathews. The producer was Ed Morrish.

3 GRAMS: OUT

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