Volume 14 No. 1 PLOKTA JANUARY 2009 Colophon This is issue 39½ of Plokta, edited by CONTENTS Steve Davies, Alison Scott and Mike Scott. It is available for letter 3. <plokta.con> 8. Why It Is of comment (one Some actual news about Impossible to Write copy to Mike’s the convention. address is fine), trade Good Things about (copies to each of our addresses if possible, 4. Editorial Diana Wynne please), contribution, Jones editorial whim, or for By Michael Abbott $1 trillion of bank 5. Plokta People preference shares. By Mike Scott In which Michael contradicts himself by Steve Davies No one mention the “f” word. writing good things about Diana Wynne Jones. 6. Plokta Tips for 11. Lokta Plokta Alison Scott the Credit Crunch No WAHF column this By Flick & the Cabal issue, as either our Our credit has been correspondents are Mike Scott crunched too, so here’s getting wittier or our how we’re coping. standards are slipping. [email protected] www.plokta.com Separated at Birth? The cabal also includes Flick, Giulia De Cesare, Sue Mason, and Steven, Marianne & Jonathan Cain. Art by Alison Scott (cover), Leonard Kirk (2), ormsqueak (3), Sue Mason (7). Photos by the Cabal (2), Caro Wilson (4) Dr Plokta Dr Plokta 2 JANUARY 2009 PLOKTA Volume 14 No. 1 <plokta.con> We’re pleased to announce that we have To repeat the basic information from last two guests of honour for <plokta.con> time, the convention will be held at Release 4.0. Diana Wynne Jones will be Sunningdale Park in Berkshire from our guest for the Saturday, and Paul Saturday 23 May 2009 to Monday 25 Cornell on the Sunday. We don’t have May 2009, which is a bank holiday room here to expound upon the Monday. We plan to start programming numerous virtues of both of our guests, at around 11am on the Saturday, and so you’ll find an article about Diana later finish at around 6pm on the Monday, in this issue, and something about Paul and we intend to be sitting in the bar on in the next issue. Friday night. The theme of the convention will be Attending membership is £30 payable School Stories. As has become traditional either by cheque (payable to Plokta) at Plokta conventions, Sunday night will posted to Mike Scott, 13 Collette Court, celebrate our theme, so dig out your old Eleanor Close, London, SE16 6PW or by school ties and gym slips and get ready PayPal to [email protected]. Free for for the new term at Dr Plokta’s Academy under 12s, £15 for 12-17. for Wayward Youngsters. There will be another mini-Plokta around Easter which will have more information on the programme. For now, please let us know if there are any programme items you’ve always wanted to see or to organise. You can book your hotel room online at www.deverevenues.co.uk quoting code NCPLOB or by calling 01344 634395 and quoting “Plokta”. Twin or double rooms are £80 per night, single rooms are £60 per night, and parents can book an adjoining room for one or two children for £40 per night (on the phone only). These rates are valid for the Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. You’ll need a debit (phone only) or credit From ormsqueak.deviantart.com card to secure your reservation. 3 Volume 14 No. 1 PLOKTA JANUARY 2009 Editorial This fanzine supports Steve Green and/ Con Members or Tom Womack for TAFF. Rather than Here’s the convention membership list, enclose a paper ballot printed on dead effective as of 18 January 2009. Let us trees (how 20th century), we’ll just point know if you think you’ve joined the con you at http://taff.org.uk/ where you can but aren’t on the list, or if you’d rather see everything there is to know about have a different name on your badge. TAFF, including this year’s ballot and Diana Wynne Jones instructions on voting. Paul Cornell Michael Abbott Following government exhortations to Brian Ameringen spend our way out of an immanent Meriol Ameringen depression, most of the Cabal are buying Doug Bell new Mac laptops, thereby reinforcing the Austin Benson Ian Brown struggling US Chinese economy. Jonathan Cain Marianne is hoping that the trickle-down Marianne Cain effect will also create benefits for her. Steven Cain Helen Cross However, the credit crunch is biting. Julia Daly Steve and Giulia have closed up one Steve Davies wing of Plokta Mansions, we’ve Giulia De Cesare downgraded the catering for Plokta Flick Gwen Funnell weekends from Fortnum & Mason to Julian Headlong Selfridges and Flick has switched from Andrew Hobson Bombay Sapphire to Gordon’s but there Sue Hobson are limits. Rob Jackson Kari Jane Killick Christina Lake Sue Mason Caroline Mullan Phil Nanson Chris O’Shea Ang Rosin Marcus Rowland Alison Scott Mike Scott Douglas Spencer Peter Wareham Anne Wilson Dr Plokta is not the only one Caro Wilson 4 JANUARY 2009 PLOKTA Volume 14 No. 1 Plokta People By Mike Scott You want to live like Plokta people We’ll be needing a school song for <plokta.con>, and there will be a small You want to see whatever Plokta people prize for the best set of lyrics to a well- see known tune that we receive before the You want to smof with Plokta people convention. We’re sure you can all do You want to smof with Plokta people like better than Dr Plokta. me?” But she didn’t She came from Leeds, she had a thirst Understand for fandom She just frowned and held my hand She picked up fanzines more or less at random Hand your old Gestetner back That’s how I Shed your angst and get a Mac Caught her eye Shrink some ducks and kern some type She told me that she’d won a Nova Pretend you like to chat on Skype I said “In that case do a Plokta cover” And still you’ll never get it right She said “Fine” ’Cos while you’re on the web at night And then in thirty seconds’ time Writing on my Facebook wall If you called D West he would stop it all She said “I want to live like Plokta people I want to do whatever Plokta people do You’ll never live like Plokta people I want to smof with Plokta people You’ll never do whatever Plokta people I want to smof with Plokta people like do you” You’ll never geek like Plokta people Well, what else could I do? You’ll never watch blue screens slide into I said “I’ll see what I can do” view And Control, and Alt, and Del I took her to a Glasgow Worldcon Because there’s nothing else to do I don’t know why, but I had to start it somewhere Go online with the Plokta people So it started there Go online and it might just get you I said “Pretend you’re con committee” through But she just cried and said “Oh please Blog along with the Plokta people have pity” Blog along even though they’re blogging I said “Yeah ’bout you But I don’t see anyone else crying in here And the stupid things you do Are you sure ’Cos you think Comic Sans is cool 5 Volume 14 No. 1 PLOKTA JANUARY 2009 Plokta Household Management Tips for the Credit Crunch By Flick and the Cabal Alison’s Christmas present from Flick and Weekly Mike was a reprint of a 1949 book on Before the advent of Time Machine, household management in the new post- backing up ones files was an inescapable servant era. In the same spirit, we present our post-credit-crunch Plokta tips. weekly grind. Now, we are fortunate to know that the only weekly requirement is to reinstall Windows on the obligatory Daily PC, and to update the spam filter. Even if you choose not to perform general household tasks before breaking One should note that, unless you have your fast, at the very least LiveJournal only a few books, they should be and Facebook should be checked before removed from the shelves a few at a time one rises from bed. and dusted thoroughly. Ideally, this should not be performed at the same Afterwards, one should make at least a time as polishing one’s Macintosh, to desultory effort to clear away the detritus avoid transferring dust to its inner of the previous night’s revelries before workings. eating. Mirrors should also be polished each One should think back to the immediate week, as they look sad when dull, post-war period, when the shortage of particularly if one has a semi-pubescent soap made even basic daily cleaning an daughter who is worried about her inconceivable luxury, and be grateful that appearance. one at least has the option, given the reduction in cost of crockery, of being Look into the cellar dungeon at least able to neatly lay the breakfast table the each week, and toss Jonathan a few night before whilst, at the same time, crusts if he appears to have temporarily running the dishwasher overnight. stopped growing. It is a great timesaver to the modern Monthly housewife that door-to-door sales staff, If your household duties permit, try to such as those employed by Ocado, have at least one weekend per month in Amazon, Play.com and Wong’s Chinese Jersey, or a similar duty-free location, in Take Away are employed to bring order to stock up on Gin and fags.