Volume 14 No. 1 PLOKTA JANUARY 2009
Colophon This is issue 39½ of Plokta, edited by CONTENTS Steve Davies, Alison Scott and Mike Scott. It is available for letter 3.
[email protected] www.plokta.com Separated at Birth? The cabal also includes Flick, Giulia De Cesare, Sue Mason, and Steven, Marianne & Jonathan Cain. Art by Alison Scott (cover), Leonard Kirk (2), ormsqueak (3), Sue Mason (7). Photos by the Cabal (2), Caro Wilson (4)
Dr Plokta Dr Plokta 2 JANUARY 2009 PLOKTA Volume 14 No. 1
We’re pleased to announce that we have To repeat the basic information from last two guests of honour for
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Editorial
This fanzine supports Steve Green and/ Con Members or Tom Womack for TAFF. Rather than Here’s the convention membership list, enclose a paper ballot printed on dead effective as of 18 January 2009. Let us trees (how 20th century), we’ll just point know if you think you’ve joined the con you at http://taff.org.uk/ where you can but aren’t on the list, or if you’d rather see everything there is to know about have a different name on your badge. TAFF, including this year’s ballot and Diana Wynne Jones instructions on voting. Paul Cornell Michael Abbott Following government exhortations to Brian Ameringen spend our way out of an immanent Meriol Ameringen depression, most of the Cabal are buying Doug Bell new Mac laptops, thereby reinforcing the Austin Benson Ian Brown struggling US Chinese economy. Jonathan Cain Marianne is hoping that the trickle-down Marianne Cain effect will also create benefits for her. Steven Cain Helen Cross However, the credit crunch is biting. Julia Daly Steve and Giulia have closed up one Steve Davies wing of Plokta Mansions, we’ve Giulia De Cesare downgraded the catering for Plokta Flick Gwen Funnell weekends from Fortnum & Mason to Julian Headlong Selfridges and Flick has switched from Andrew Hobson Bombay Sapphire to Gordon’s but there Sue Hobson are limits. Rob Jackson Kari Jane Killick Christina Lake Sue Mason Caroline Mullan Phil Nanson Chris O’Shea Ang Rosin Marcus Rowland Alison Scott Mike Scott Douglas Spencer Peter Wareham Anne Wilson Dr Plokta is not the only one Caro Wilson 4 JANUARY 2009 PLOKTA Volume 14 No. 1
Plokta People By Mike Scott
You want to live like Plokta people We’ll be needing a school song for
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Plokta Household Management Tips for the Credit Crunch By Flick and the Cabal
Alison’s Christmas present from Flick and Weekly Mike was a reprint of a 1949 book on Before the advent of Time Machine, household management in the new post- backing up ones files was an inescapable servant era. In the same spirit, we present our post-credit-crunch Plokta tips. weekly grind. Now, we are fortunate to know that the only weekly requirement is to reinstall Windows on the obligatory Daily PC, and to update the spam filter. Even if you choose not to perform general household tasks before breaking One should note that, unless you have your fast, at the very least LiveJournal only a few books, they should be and Facebook should be checked before removed from the shelves a few at a time one rises from bed. and dusted thoroughly. Ideally, this should not be performed at the same Afterwards, one should make at least a time as polishing one’s Macintosh, to desultory effort to clear away the detritus avoid transferring dust to its inner of the previous night’s revelries before workings. eating. Mirrors should also be polished each One should think back to the immediate week, as they look sad when dull, post-war period, when the shortage of particularly if one has a semi-pubescent soap made even basic daily cleaning an daughter who is worried about her inconceivable luxury, and be grateful that appearance. one at least has the option, given the reduction in cost of crockery, of being Look into the cellar dungeon at least able to neatly lay the breakfast table the each week, and toss Jonathan a few night before whilst, at the same time, crusts if he appears to have temporarily running the dishwasher overnight. stopped growing. It is a great timesaver to the modern Monthly housewife that door-to-door sales staff, If your household duties permit, try to such as those employed by Ocado, have at least one weekend per month in Amazon, Play.com and Wong’s Chinese Jersey, or a similar duty-free location, in Take Away are employed to bring order to stock up on Gin and fags. necessary goods directly to one’s door.
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Annual In order to raise a little extra cash to help If time permits, one might choose to with the household bills, a modern Plokta dust the house. housewife will be keen to raise funds by selling unwanted Christmas gifts on eBay. Money Saving Tips If this presents a potentially tricky A few hours spent instructing ones etiquette problem, one can simply create children in basic hacking techniques may a new eBay ID, thus preventing family provide the details of the neighbours and friends from noticing that you hated WEP key, thus saving at least ten pounds their gifts. Alternatively, ask your per month on broadband costs. Even if children to keep their video games tidy: this process is unsuccessful, failure will in this way, any games found on the floor result in ones children being taken into of the house can be sold for scrap with a care as young criminals, thus saving far clean conscience. more than ten pounds per month from the housekeeping bill. Recycle fanzines! Twilltone is particularly soft and absorbent. If you spill Gin, do not stoop to lick it from the floor. Instead, wipe it up to use Get an allotment! Grow your own cleaning windows. asparagus, saffron, wasabi and other expensive foodstuffs. With a bit more It is perfectly possible to incorporate a global warming, or for those of our visit from the Plokta Cabal with only readers who live nearer the equator, you slight changes to your usual shopping can also grow your own olives, limes and routine. Instead of buying a side of beef, quinine. consider buying a whole cow. Alternatively, if money is tight, consider Train your cats to hunt for their own buying a young piglet and rearing it to food, or failing that at least teach them to adulthood: not only does it provide a kidnap the more valuable beanie babies ready source of breakfast food but for resale on eBay. giving the children charge of the animal’s Why not convert that expensive hot tub feed and cleaning inculcates a sense of into a pear press for using up all those responsibility and duty. If this sounds inedible pears that grow in your garden too much like hard work, you could just and brewing your own perry? keep Sea Monkeys. When purchased by the gallon, tonic water is far more economical, as is Gin. Ice cubes can be made in one’s own freezer, saving the expense of purchasing them from a local independent store.
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Why It Is Impossible to Write Good Things about Diana Wynne Jones By Michael Abbott
Well, maybe it’s not impossible, but it’s “Yes, of course the giants are normal certainly very hard. Let me explain. people like us.” If you read a science fiction book, you “Yes, of course dragon’s teeth would do can talk about how plausible the science that nowadays.” is. Is that a real piece of physics? If it’s “Yes, of course there’s a magic spell of made up, are its implications worked confusion on the Adelphi Hotel.” through? Does the associated mathematics add up? It’s not the most “Yes, of course that’s why he appears profound kind of criticism, but anyone when you strike a match.” can play, because it’s left-brain rational “Yes, of course the spirit of a star would thinking, and everyone does that the know nothing about the underworld.” same way, following the rules. “Yes, of course he’d be building a It’s a bit harder for fantasy—no, it’s a lot spaceship.” harder—and it’s not just because “anything is possible in a fantasy book”. And then, ideally, the reader says “Why Because that isn’t really true, anyway: any didn’t I think of that?” Being both half-way decent author has an idea about obvious and surprising is the ideal. what can and cannot happen in their But this is harder than it seems, because story or world, and plays by those rules. good fantasy is all about right-brain (Yes, the phrase “half-way decent” does intuition. It’s not about how we know exclude some people.) But one of the the world works, it’s about how we feel it key skills of a fantasy writer is the ability behaves. So you can’t verbalise the rules to convey conviction: to make the reader it works by, and you just have to hope think, when something fantastic that what works for you works for other happens, “Yes, of course that would people as well. happen”: And Diana Wynne Jones does this better, “Yes, of course saying that name would more often, more fluently, than any other make an island come out of the sea, and writer out there, and has been doing it of course that man would turn into a patch for years, and for over forty books. of corn when it happens.” Which is just lovely, for her, and for all “Yes, of course that would be the only way her readers, including, until now, me. They would let the chains be broken.” But now I have to talk about how well
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Bibliography she does this, and because the right side Here’s the Diana Wynne Jones of the brain is non-verbal, it is bibliography from the Internet Science completely beyond me to explain how Fiction Database, www.isfdb.org, to good she is at it. accompany Michael’s article. We’ve So I’m a bit stuck. And you’ll just have omitted the omnibus volumes of the to take my word for it, or go and read Chrestomanci, Dalemark and Howl the books yourself. (Which is a much works. better idea, in fact, but I wasn’t going to say that at the beginning of the article.) Fiction Series I suppose I could have talked about her Chrestomanci other right-brain talents: writing The Sage of Theare (1982) characters that are easy to empathise Warlock at the Wheel (1984) with, her excellent grasp of personal Carol Oneir’s Hundredth Dream (1986) interactions (especially within families), Stealer of Souls (2000) her gripping plotting and her powerful Mixed Magics: Four Tales of Chrestomanci endings (I still haven’t got over the last (Collection containing the four stories sentence in The Homeward Bounders fifteen above) (2000) years after I first read it). Or her other Charmed Life (1977) abilities as a writer: her fluent prose, her The Magicians of Caprona (1980) comic touch, her familiarity with a wide Witch Week (1982) range of myth and folk beliefs, and her The Lives of Christopher Chant (1988) ability to avoid cliché, possibly by Conrad’s Fate (2005) hoarding the clichés for years and using The Pinhoe Egg (2006) them all up in the salutary and hilarious Dalemark The Tough Guide to Fantasyland. But Cart and Cwidder (1975) unfortunately, I seem to have run out of Drowned Ammet (1977) space. What a shame. The Spellcoats (1979) (You may wish to try to identify the Crown of Dalemark (1993) novels I refer to above, though the Cabal Variant Title: The Crown of Dalemark are too cheap to offer prizes for (1993) competitions. One hint: they are all Derkholm from books by the same author.) The Dark Lord of Derkholm (1998) Warning: brains may not actually work Variant Title: Dark Lord of Derkholm exactly as described above. (1998) Year of the Griffin (2000)
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Howlʼs Castle Anthologies Howl’s Moving Castle (1986) Castle in the Air (1990) Spellbound: Fantasy Stories (1994) House of Many Ways (2008) Non-Fiction Magids The Skiver’s Guide (1984) Deep Secret (1997) The Tough Guide to Fantasyland (1996) The Merlin Conspiracy (2003) Short Fiction Other Novels Who Got Rid of Angus Flint? (1975) Changeover (1970) The Four Grannies (1980) Wilkins’ Tooth (1973) Dragon Reserve, Home Eight (1984) Variant Title: Witch’s Business (1974) The Fat Wizard (1987) The Ogre Downstairs (1974) The Green Stone (1988) Dogsbody (1975) The Master (1989) Eight Days of Luke (1975) Chair Person (1989) Power of Three (1976) nad and Dan adn Quaffy (1990) Who Got Rid of Angus Flint? (1978) Variant Title: Nad and Dan adn Quaffy The Four Grannies (1980) (1990) The Time of the Ghost (1981) The Girl Who Loved the Sun (1990) The Homeward Bounders (1981) What the Cat Told Me (1994) Fire and Hemlock (1984) Everard’s Ride (1995) Archer’s Goon (1984) No One (1995) A Tale of Time City (1987) The Plague of Peacocks (1995) Aunt Maria (1991) Enna Hittims (1999) Variant Title: Black Maria (1991) Little Dot (2003) A Sudden Wild Magic (1992) I’ll Give You My Word (2006) Yes, Dear (1992) Hexwood (1993) Poems The Game (2007) A Slice of Life (1986) Collections Essays Warlock at the Wheel and Other Stories (1984) Two Kinds of Writing (1991) Hidden Turnings: A Collection of Stories The Shape of the Narrative in The Lord Through Time and Space (1990) of the Rings (1995) Stopping for a Spell: Three Fantasies (1993) Introduction (Believing is Seeing) (1996) Everard’s Ride (1995) The Profession of Science Fiction, 51: Minor Arcana (1996) Answers to Some Questions (1997) Believing is Seeing: Seven Stories (1999) Unexpected Magic: Collected Stories (2004) 10 JANUARY 2009 PLOKTA Volume 14 No. 1
Lokta Plokta
James Bacon Pamela Boal have made a big pamelaboal (at) comeback for several Thanks for Plokta My westfieldway.fsnet.co.uk Face Ache. I am years now. Thank you for the impressed that the Hugos Marcus Rowland were designed by Werner POCTSAR CD. marcus.rowland (at) Von Braun. I should have Unfortunately although I gmail.com have mastered putting known. Those sleek lines! I’m sure you can think of CDs into the computer more themes for Plokta Liked Sue’s piece. It cup holder thingy this Poct Sarcds if you really sounds like a hard job. I one would not fit. Great put your mind to it— always had the fun and much your fans demand more! impression she was a appreciated, you have a professional artist or whole new career there in Lice Olympics made me something—Designer of sea side products. The itch—working with kids, Things, dunno, probably card and the rock are sure I’ve suspected an stupid things to buy your fire best sellers. unwelcome passenger on cats that they won’t use. several occasions. So far none of our grand Fortunately it seems to be I felt relieved that Steve children have arrived with false alarms so far, but did not take revenge green hair, though the not my idea of fun. upon me somewhere. He youngest grand daughter would have been arrived with her beautiful Finally, that was a very welcome to join us at blond locks raggedly interesting article on Eastercon, I must admit I shorn by her friend. Nits Dumas, and reminded me fell asleep while around were something I that I still need to get me the youth had more associated with the war hold of the Lester films beer. years but they seem to on DVD, I only have them as fairly crap recordings on tape. Overheard in the Plokta Mines Steve Jeffery srjeffery (at) aol.com “Can you make the cover look badly Cheers for Plokta photocopied?” Summer Special issue, “Canʼt we just photocopy it badly?” which arrived just in time “Donʼt be silly!” for the first (and possibly last) pleasantly warm day
11 Volume 14 No. 1 PLOKTA JANUARY 2009 of the end of September. magazine covers after (I’ve been working I may have to break out Peter Weston and Julian though the exercises in some ice cream and a Headlong’s illustrated talk Betty Edwards Drawing hankie knotted at the at the last Novacon. This on the Right Side of the corners. turned up a blog site Brain, and it’s more called Bibi’s box difficult than I thought to (What’s 2/6 in new- (www.bibi.org/box) . turn off the analytical/ fangled money? Half a critical left brain when crown? That’s …ummm. No idea who Bibi is, but drawing and just put twelve and half p. Were she has a penchant for down what you can comics that expensive, collecting links to weird actually see, not what you even back then?) and wonderful bits of expect to see.) kitch art. Anything Sue’s cover is splendid, from pulp genre I failed to solve the very Beano. Is that Smiffy magazine and paperback puzzle of who had the of the Bash Street Kids covers—not just sf and strawberry margarita or behind the camera? Did fantasy but detective and the ice cream because I anyone own up to being some of the more lurid decided the best way to Plug? romance covers—to the solve it would be to re- The Frahm poctsarcd is Vintage Japanese Robot enact it. After the third or spot on, even to the Storm Sci-Fi fourth I forgot all about celery, and a nice bit of Museum, chewing gum what I was trying to Plokta synchronicity. sculptures or cheescake solve. Too much fruit, I There ought to be word pin-up illustrators like expect. Not good for for that. Plokticity? You Frahm, Alberto Vargas or you. should register it for a Enoch Bolles. Joseph Nicholas place in the dictionary now I shall have a go at your josephn (at) globalnet.co.uk that Collins are apparently picture Sudoku later. I thowing out a load of old I had the latest issue of have enough problem outmoded words that Plokta on my desk one with the chemical have lost their meanings, day at work last week. element one in Chemistry like frubsy, please and “Can I have a look at World. Although it mortgage guarantee, for your comic?” a passing shouldn’t make any shiny new words, most of colleague asked. “Sure,” difference, once you which I’ve never heard I said. “But you probably substitute letters or of. won’t understand a word symbols for numbers it of it.” I found a reference to seems to get Frahm by chance, after extraordinarily more He looked scornful as he running a Google image difficult. Probably a left picked it up. Sure search for pulp sf brain right brain thingie. enough, he did not 12 JANUARY 2009 PLOKTA Volume 14 No. 1 understand a word of it, confidence—but The Four perhaps I should look it although he laughed at Musketeers was a plod: up on IMDB.) the postcard. But he presumably filmed back- (And just did. IMDB refused to read the to-back with the previous gives 1973 and 1974 as photostory on the film, since it was released the dates of production, grounds that photostories very shortly afterwards, although release date for were the sort of thing but it had all the air of the second film in the which used to appear in something being done UK was September Jackie (the favoured according to studio 1975.) reading material of contracts rather than teenage girls during the because anyone actually I liked Marianne’s piece late 1960s). “You read wanted to make it. But about Jonathan’s lice. But them in Jackie,” I said, then people’s mileage how is it she knows of recalling the time when may differ, and I haven’t Michael Bentine, whose all the boys in the class seen either film since they It’s A Square World and would borrow copies of were screened at the similar must predate her Jackie to allegedly laugh at cinema long, long ago. by three decades or the tales of tangled teen (197-something— thereabouts? relationships. “No I did not!” he protested, in the sort of tone which tells you that he too used to Received from Michael Abbott borrow copies of Jackie to read while waiting for the teachers to appear at the start of lessons. Other than that, Plokta was jolly good fun as usual, although I am only moved to respond to Kari Maund’s assertion that The Four Musketeers was riveting. I recall it quite differently— The Three Musketeers was riveting—thoroughgoing swashbuckling fun, executed with tremendous self-
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Joseph T Major course that is even more Charles de Batz de jtmajor (at) iglou.com preposterous. Castlemore, Seigneur d’Artagnan, was a real In this style 2/6. I’m Trente Ans Apres: Kari person, and had a very surprised the software may find The Four interesting life. Some didn’t forcibly change it Musketeers: The True Story things of course are to 13p. of d’Artagnan, Porthos, outside Dumas’s purview, Aramis, & Athos by Kari So Flick is going to be a such as the time that Maund and Phil Nanson mistress. Somehow I’m d’Artagnan and an (2006) to be interesting. [! not surprised there’s a English soldier won the … Ed] The source book college major in that, favor of King Charles by Dumas cited is real. Not there seems to be a rescuing his natural son, for real, the author seems college major in M. le Duc de Monmouth. to have stretched the everything else. You can’t King Louis probably Memoirs of M. d’Artagnan satirize this, every time regretted that d’Artagnan from the reality as much you make up something hadn’t fragged the as Dumas did from that utterly absurd someone English soldier at the book. Nevertheless, points you to a very real time. He was John
The Walthamstow Sausage Fairies return, only to find that they have been supplanted by the Gin Fairy in everyone’s affections
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Churchill, who in later the Pantheon. We’ll be used to get from my years turned out to be a staying in a hotel north of Scottish grandparents… bit of a bother to Louis. the Seine (in the 4th I feel like I just got Arrondisement, I think), another one. 2/6, and Lloyd Penney: Ah, but so I hope to visit the Pere worth at least twice the British comicdom did not Lachaise cemetery, where price. have Dr. Frederic many other French and Wertham, author of Yvonne asks…what is foreign luminaries are Seduction of the Innocent Potatoshop? Is it a buried. (1954) to explain how programme that allows normal juvenile violence I was surprised that Colin you to produce beautiful was in fact something Greenland didn’t graphics and sinister and corrupting. recognize the phrase photographs using carved And yet Wertham found “pots for rags” but not potatoes? fanzines to be not because I knew what it John Nielsen Hall corrupting. (The World of meant. I was sure that it john.sila (at) virgin.net Fanzines (1974)). There’s was just another one of no understanding people those daft British Well, forgive me, I know sometimes. expressions that everyone it was a Summer Special in the UK would know and now an Autumn gale Jerry Kaufman is howling through the JAKaufman (at) aol.com and no one here in the US would get (me trees with sideways rain I enjoyed Kari’s account included). Now that I accompanying, but I’m in of her pilgrimage know such idioms aren’t a Fanac break right now immensely. It reminded necessarily universal, I’m and I wasn’t then. Thank me a bit of Sandra strangely reassured. you for my poctsarcd. Bond’s account of her The issue was like a pilgrimage to Route 66, Now all I have to do is summer pudding, light though all the details are figure out who to mail fluffy and way too sweet. so much different. I read the poctsarcd to, and my Plokta experience will be Mike Meara The Three Musketeers, too, meara810 (at) btinternet.com and have seen several complete. movie versions, but never Sandra Bond, reviewing Lloyd Penney Plokta 38 in Quasiquote 6 could keep straight the penneys (at) allstream.net different Musketeers. (also received at Plokta 39 has arrived, and Perhaps if I read the Cytricon!) described it as I thank you for a smile book again? “good looking but bitty”, and a laugh, and that’s and I would say the same Suzle and I will visit Paris just taking it out of the about #39. I liked the in November, and envelope. In my last loc, I cover very much, though perhaps we will also visit mentioned the comics I I’d be hard-pressed to say 15 Volume 14 No. 1 PLOKTA JANUARY 2009 exactly why, and also the maybe, there was a guy in Dr Plokta, even if it photo-story, but a kangaroo suit in the would be fun. everything else seemed a underbrush in one of the The Naked Scientists bit inconsequential… photos. Eventually, I did (www.thenakedscientists.com) …so that’s about it, really. notice that one of the did the chocolate teapot Not much of a loc after cabal members had been experiment in their all. Oh dear. Must try replaced by a moose in kitchen science segments harder (me, I mean). the photo on the right. It —it can be downloaded would be quite easy to Brad Foster from their site. No date miss such a subtle bwfoster (at) juno.com on it though. change. Latest Plokta plopped Jack Russell into the mailbox this past [You’re close, but the correct jack (at) jrandjr.co.uk week. However, since we answer is that in the second I am clearing stuff out of are now officially into photo the iPhone in Alison’s my life and have a 1lb Fall, I guess I’ll have to pocket is the new 3G model empty tin which used to set this aside until next —Ed] contain Fowlers Treacle. I Summer, as I wouldn’t Henry Welch just love the pale green want to be accused of knarley (at) welchcastle.com and the old fashioned reading out of season. Thanks for the latest look and many years ago Looking forward to Plokta with all the saved the empty tin from enjoying what looks like a puzzles. I’m not certain the scrapheap and wonderful issue of fun of the propriety of cleaned it out.It sat on a and sun frolic. publishing a word search shelf in my office but Milt Stevens using a serif font where now seeks a new home. I miltstevens (at) earthlink.net the aspect ratio was not guess it is about 35 years In Plokta #39, I see you quite 1:1. Made it tough old but looks older have two pages of to work down those despite being in pristine puzzles which the reader diagonals. condition. is supposed to figure out. KRin Pender-Gunn If you want it it’s yours If you get through those kringunny (at) for the price of the two pages you can go on optusnet.com.au postage. It’s you or the the figure out the rest of Did we all receive the tip! the issue. I studied those same slightly creepy Best treacley wishes two photos closely. At postcard in the Summer first, I thought you might Special? A machine to [Thank you for thinking of be spelling something out destroy knicker elastic is us, but Alison expects to with your hands with not what I would expect inherit an ancient tin of black each photo spelling from an evil genius like treacle from her mother—Ed] something different. Or 16