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"Rainier Wolfcastle is Dead" by Vince Faiola

Vince Faiola 1235 West Town and Country Road Apt. 3103 Orange, CA 92868 ACT ONE FADE IN:

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - EVENING Homer sits on the couch with Lisa, Bart and Maggie as they watch TV. MARGE (O.S.) Homer! Time for dinner. I made made your favorite. HOMER (suspiciously) My favorite? How do you know my favorite? Whose been talking? (Homer looks at Bart) Boy? Marge enters with a plate of pork chops covered in gravy. HOMER (CONT’D) Mmmmmmm.....pork chops and gravy. My favorite. MARGE Take it to the dining room, this family doesn’t eat dinner in front of the TV. Homer grabs the plate. HOMER No, we don’t eat in front of the TV. We eat before it. Homer genuflects in front of the TV, almost chanting. HOMER (CONT’D) We give thanks to you oh God of many great channels and... (angry and dismissive) Fox.

ANGLE ON TV - MCBAIN’S HOUSE - NIGHT TV ANNOUNCER (O.S) And now back to McBain 4: Fatal Discharge. 2.

BART (O.S.) Awesome. Mcbain kills 17 commandoes with a pitch fork and a tractor in this one! McBain hunts and pecks an e-mail with two fingers. MCBAIN I know now what it is to have loved and to have lost. Meet me at the zoo in three hours. McBain hits send. A cat meows. He draws his gun and points in suspense. MCBAIN (CONT’D) Oh, Mr. Whiskers. It only is you.

EXT. MCBAIN’S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS The house blows up. An indestructible toilet flies through the air and lands on a car. Out comes the hulking figure of McBain. His shirt aflame, he rips it off. Calls for his cat. MCBAIN Mr. Whiskers? Mr Whiskers? MR. WHISKERS! No response. MCBAIN (CONT’D) This time it be personal! McBain on his hands and knees shouting to the heavens. The toilet flushes.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - CONTINUOUS The Simpsons are still gathered around the TV. HOMER That could be our house! LISA (sarcastic) Oh, joy to bask in the glory of a steroid-driven pop culture icon! 3.

HOMER (earnestly) A dead end job. Two kids. (a pause as Maggie sucks on her pacifier) Even worse...three kids. I need this. I’m hanging on by some sort of thread-like rope. Homer pauses to think.

HOMER THOUGHT BUBBLE: Homer and McBain are decked out in Rambo gear. Homer rips off his shirt to reveal a 6-pack and a steroid-fueled hunk of man. McBain sits on the ground as Flander’s house is on fire. Ninjas abound. MCBAIN Go on. Leave me. Homer lifts McBain up over his shoulder and begins to kick ninjas left and right. HOMER No man gets left behind on my watch! FLANDERS (O.S.) A little help neigborino! Reveal: landers on the ground, bandaged and wounded. HOMER No time. Besides I’m sure your GOD will be down to help any moment now. Homer steps on Flanders...

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - CONTINUOUS Drool falls from Homer’s mouth. MARGE Homer. Homer, you’re drooling again. BART I’ve got it. 4.

Bart removes the plate of food from Homer’s lap. He immediately snaps to. LISA I don’t understand why you’d even want to win this stupid contest. It’s just some lame publicity stunt. BART (he puts his arm around Lisa) Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Let me explain something about how the real world works. If they make the next McBain movie here, then we’re as good as famous and we’ll live like kings. Dirty stinking rich kings who can do whatever they want. (rubs hands together) Whenever they want. On the TV talks and the family watches. KENT BROCKMAN As of today not one of the killer monkeys has called home. Now in lighter news, we turn to the live selection of one of Springfield’s very own to appear in McBain 5: You Only Die Thrice. HOMER Boy, let this be a lesson in hard work and dedication. With all the time and effort we put into MY application, we can’t lose.

INT. HOLLYWOOD PRODUCTION OFFICE - DAY - FLASHBACK Wolfcastle sits with his agent and the producer. They select the winning application. A heart-shaped card that looks as if it was drawn by a 2 year old stands out. It reads: Homer and McBain Friends Four Never. (Mispellings on purpose). PRODUCER It’ll be great, baby! We’re helping out the mentally challenged. You can’t buy pub like that! 5.

RAINIER WOLFCASTLE I like mental challenges. Reveal: Wolfcastle reads from The Complete Idiots Guide to Complete Idiot’s Books.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - CONTINUOUS The Simpson home appears on the TV. Wolfcastle at the door. KENT BROCKMAN Looks like Wolfcastle himself is about to surprise one lucky family. The doorbell RINGS. HOMER Why don’t they just get on with it already! The Doorbell RINGS again. Lisa recognizes the Simpson home on TV and gets up. HOMER (CONT’D) That’s a good girl. Make the bad people go away. Unless it’s a Girl Scout. In that case I want 14 boxes. Lisa leaves the room and heads to...

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS She opens the door. Camera lights flash. RAINIER WOLFCASTLE Hello little red-dressed girl. You must be (looks at a card)...Homer? Lisa rolls her eyes andallows the crowd to follow her to...

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - CONTINUOUS The Simpsons now appear in their own TV screen. HOMER (oblivious) Why can’t we ever win anything? New life lesson boy all life ever does is kick you when your down. (MORE) 6. HOMER (CONT'D) Then it kicks dirt on you when your down. Learn to like dirt. A lot. Homer breaks down and cries. Bart taps his father. BART Uh, big guy. Homer looks up and sees Wolfcastle. HOMER Aahhhhh! Immediately Homer breaks out into a Three Stooges circle walk on the ground. RAINIER WOLFCASTLE Is he the mental one?

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING Homer, Maggie, Lisa and Bart sit at the kitchen table. Homer wears DARK sunglasses while Marge dishes out pancakes. HOMER Marge, baby, what’s this? You know I can’t carb load on a shooting day! I’ll have what he’s having. Homer points to Wolfcastle as he breaks six eggs directly into his mouth. The seventh egg cracks open and a bird flies out. Wolfcastle snatches it and swallows it whole. WOLFCASTLE Protein good. MOE (O.S.) Homer’s right. He’s too important to be all getting fat. He’s gotta have energy. Pizzazz. Reveal: The Simpson kitchen filled with all of Springfield. MOE (CONT'D) That...whatcha call it...homecooked meal...it just won’t cut it anymore. Wolfcastle finishes off a jug of milk and tosses it to the ground. picks it up. RALPH It tastes like air! 7.

Comic Book guy rips the jug from Ralph. E-Bay. Here I come. RALPH (begins to cry) I want air! MARGE Stop it! All of you! Out of my house! MOE (ushering them out) You heard the lady. Everybody out. Let’s go. Homer needs his rest. Flashbulbs go off as people exit. Moe remains. Marge points. HOMER He’s my agent, Marge. My agent! BART You have an agent? Cool. MOE About that...I was thinking maybe like a 50 percent cut? HOMER Almost half. Huhhhh? How about 60 percent? BART Ah, Homer? HOMER (excitedly) Final offer! MOE Deal! HOMER MOE Sucker. Sucker.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - MORNING Bart sits with Homer, Wolfcastle and Moe by the phone. 8.

MOE Just tell ‘em it’s the Feline Aids. I saw something on the tube about that. Homer picks up the phone and dials.

INT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT - BURNS’ OFFICE - DAY Intercut phone conversation as needed. MR. BURNS Hello? HOMER (in fake high-pitched voice) Mr. Burns...this is.... I mean...I mean Homer Simpson’s doctor. MR. BURNS Homer who? HOMER (in fake high-pitched voice) Simpson. Homer Simpson? MR. BURNS Simpson. Doesn’t ring a bell. Is he dead? HOMER (interrupting) Why...yes. Yes he is. Don’t expect him in for two weeks. (Homer hangs up the phone) Hehehehe. I think he bought it.

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - LISA’S CLASS Lisa sits in class and grumbles to herself. LISA (to self) I can’t believe my stupid brother gets to stay home from school. This is ridiculous. All for some stupid movie. 9.

MARTIN I couldn’t help but to overhear your conundrum. It seems as if you are suffering from a serious case of envy. LISA (glaring) Envy? Envy? What, exactly, is there to be envious of? SHERRI AND TERRI Rainier Wolfcastle is so dreamy... LISA It’s a stupid action movie! And this whole stupid town is acting like it’s going to solve world hunger! I’d rather be here in school where I can learn, thank you! Reveal Classroom: Ralph at the front. He gives a book report about the Little Engine that Could. RALPH Choo Choo went the little engine that could. But then the little engine that could almost didn’t and I was sad. Ralph rips out a page of the book. RALPH (CONT’D) This book report tastes better than my last one. The end. Lisa rolls her eyes. (V.O.) (on the school intercom) Due to the supreme importance of film and media in our lives...

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - SKINNER’S OFFICE - DAY and his mob hold bats in their hands. PRINCIPAL SKINNER ...And the need for extras, school has been cancelled. To the busses! 10.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK - DAY Homer, Bart and Moe stare at a luscious park on director’s chairs. It’s a surreal scene of nature. The buses have arrived and kids mill about. PRODUCER Dress the set! Suddenly, teamsters take to the woods and cut all the trees down. It’s like a nature horror movie as waves of chainsaws gut the forest. PRODUCER (CONT’D) Cue the plastic trees. The trees are replaced with identical looking plastic trees. BART Wooah...that was cool. HOMER Yes, isn’t nature beautiful. Lisa stares forlornly at the human destruction of nature. She sees a tree being dragged off and she follows it.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK - TREE DEPOT - CONTINUOUS Fallen trees are stacked together. Lisa looks and with horror on her face approaches one of the drivers. LISA This is terrible. TRUCK DRIVER That’s Hollywood for ya, little lady. Lisa observes a barren part of the park forest. She comes upon a family of possums. She picks up a baby. It suckles at her like it is starving.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK - DAY A director approaches Homer. The director always talks as if he’s on diet of Red Bull and nicotine. 11.

He walks Homer to the set. DIRECTOR Now, Homer. For this scene you’re upset. Your wife and children have just died. You’ve got nothing left to live for. Homer gives a vacant stare. DIRECTOR (CONT’D) Your world came crashing down. Homer continues to stare. Bart enters BART There are no more donuts left- Homer begins to look upset. BART (CONT’D) In the world... Homer’s still not quite there. BART (CONT’D) Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma are the only women left to repopulate Earth. The dam breaks, Homer bursts into tears. DIRECTOR Brilliant! Action! Homer sits on a bench and cries. MCBAIN What is wrong fat American man? HOMER IN CHARACTER (visibly overacting) My family was killed by that terrorist. I think. Homer points to a stereotypical Arab terrorist. MCBAIN How dare he! I promise you fat American friend...I shall personally avenge your family... (turns to look at camera) (MORE) 12. MCBAIN (CONT'D) Because this time it’s REALLY personal. MONTAGE OF WOLFCASTLE ACTING - Filled with rage, Wolfcastle does a Matrix-like slow-mo action shot with a large gun in hand firing at terrorists. - Filled with rage, Wolfcastle does another slow-mo action shot, this time holding a bazooka that fires at terrorists. - Filled with rage, Wolfcastle does another slow-mo action shot this time taking a bullet for a chicken that was being fired at by terrorists.

INT. SPRINGFIELD PARK SET - HOMER’S TRAILER - DAY Homer and Bart sit and enjoy the perks of fame, feet up in barca loungers. Homer sips champagne, Bart apple cider. HOMER This champagne tastes like apple cider BART This apple cider tastes... (loud burp) awesome. The door opens. DIRECTOR Alright Homer, this is the big action sequence. Ready? Are you pumped! You amped! You’re gold. Gold! Better than gold. You make gold look like silver! Homer gets up and stretches. A thousand bones crack.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK SET - DAY - CONTINUOUS Bart, Homer and the director walk to the school bus. BART (to Otto) You’re a licensed stunt driver? Cool. OTTO Yeah, totally. I graduated fourth in my online class. 13.

Otto flashes a piece of paper. And then another... OTTO (CONT'D) Whoops that’s my license to train seals in Indiana. No that’s my registration for organ grinding. That’s my permit to hunt vampires. Ah, here it is DIRECTOR Good enough for me! (to Wolfcastle) Now, you’ll be on the roof of the car. You jump onto the bus as Homer drives and save the children from the impending gorge. Homer and Wolfcastle get into the car. Otto backs the bus up. Lisa approaches the director LISA Mother Nature will make you pay for such greed. What you’ve done to this forest is abominable. DIRECTOR You should see what we did to Yosemite in Bambi III- The Great Fire. (to a PA) Will someone please do their job and escort the cute little girl to jail? The police are busy getting Wolfcastle’s autograph. You heard the high-powered man. Book her, Ed. EDDIE But she’s a little girl, chief? CHIEF WIGGUM They start so young. Fine, I guess we can let her off with a warning. Eddie and Police Chief Wiggum escort Lisa off set. LISA Shouldn’t you two be watching the city? 14.

CHIEF WIGGUM Awe...the little criminal thinks she knows about law enforcement. Hehe. INSERT- Shot of Snake as he pushes a big screen TV out of an electronics store and down an empty street. As the director calls action, Eddie and Wiggum turn around to see the big action sequence.

INT. STUNT CAR - DAY Homer is in a trance as he Wolfcastle. HOMER (drooling) MMMMM....such a man. He doesn’t see a tree fall. Otto pulls the bus to a complete stop. The tree chases after the car. RAINIER WOLFCASTLE Brakes! Brakes! Homer slams on the brakes. The car screeches to a stop at the edge of the gorge. HOMER Boy, that was close. You don’t know how many times I’ve fallen down that same gorge and let me tell you... RAINIER WOLFCASTLE Ah my heart, the beatings are so fast. Just then the tree slams into the car and Wolfcastle is thrown into the gorge. He falls Wile E. Coyote style as Homer watches. HOMER Yeah. I’ve hit that one. (Wolfcastle’s body crunches) Yep that one too (another crunch). Oh, that looks new. (another crunch) Homer turns to see all of Springfield staring him down. 15.

DR. HIBBERT You know it is possible that man could survive such a...(a final crunch) Oh who am I kidding, he’s toast. KLEETUS That there man justa killed McBain. SEA CAPTAIN Ay. Get the rope. Homer has a look of fear in his eyes. FADE OUT. END OF ACT I 16.

ACT TWO FADE IN:

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - NIGHT Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie sit on the couch and watch TV. KENT BROCKMAN (O.S.) (sadly) Tragedy strikes Springfield and while not one to capitalize on death... (chirpy) The news must go on as I present Rest Rainier, Rest from the Emmy- winning team that brought you Snoop Dogg: How I Conquered My Addiction. MARGE I’m worried about your father. He’s not taking this very well. LISA Well the town does want to kill him...

EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Famous Springfield residents bat a Homer pinata. BART (V.O.) Yeah, but you think he’d be used to that by now.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - CONTINUOUS Homer sits with a crazed look in the corner as he spots Santa’s Little Helper. The image of Wolfcastle appears in Homer’s eyes. The ghost speaks. RAINIER WOLFCASTLE Homer, I’ll be back! Wolfcastle begins to kiss Homer. HOMER Oh Wolfie. Stop it. Stop it. Reveal: Santa’s Little Helper licking Homer. 17.

LISA (to Marge) Scientists now say that celebrity worship is in our DNA. It dates as far back as prehistoric cave men who would carefully watch the alpha males because of their importance to the pack. BART Sweet. Dad killed the pack leader. Meanwhile on the TV. KENT BROCKMAN (O.S.) Authorities have concluded that this man- HOMER Don’t be me. Don’t be me. A picture of Homer is shown. HOMER (CONT’D) D’Oh! Homer reluctantly takes out a small notepad from his pocket. It reads: Tragedies, Accidents or Plagues Caused. He goes to add another line to the tally when... KENT BROCKMAN (O.S.) Homer J. Simpson was not at fault in the death, ruled simply accidental. HOMER (ripping up notepad) Woohooh.

INT. HOMER AND MARGE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT Marge enters with a cake and approaches Homer, who is already in bed. MARGE Hommie, I made you a little snack to help you feel better. HOMER (arrogantly) Food is not the answer to everything. 18.

MARGE It’s triple chocolate. A fork dips into the cake. HOMER (holding back tears) In memory of the one I love.

INT. MCBAIN PRODUCITON OFFICE The producer and the director pace back and forth. DIRECTOR It’s over, the franchise is dead. Wolfcastle is dead. PRODUCER Relax. Stars die all the time. There were over 11 Free Willies. That’s why you have backups. DIRECTOR Backups? It’s called Mcbain! What are you going to do, have a muscle- bound hero turn into Justin Timberlake? The tea party scene would make no sense! PRODUCER You’re drinking too much Red Bull. Take a moment, retract your chi. Now I have the perfect replacement, Marty Wolfcastle. His twin. DIRECTOR Can he act? The producer gives a disapproving look. PRODUCER And we’ll cut Homer. DIRECTOR The monkey-looking guy? He’s in 70% of the movie. An idea looks like it forms on the Producer’s face. 19.

INT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT - DAY Mr. Burns watches as Homer sleeps on his desk. He looks around at other monitors to see Lenny walk around like a zombie and Carl crying on the shoulders of a CLOWN. Burns looks at a PRODUCTIVITY METER. From highest to lowest it reads: Chinese Slave Factory, Japanese Car Factory, American Nuclear Power Plant, Jamaican Arms Factory. Burns taps the glass as the dial is below the lowest marker: British Toothpaste Factory. MR. BURNS Smithers, I notice a distinct lack of productivity today. Perhaps some motivation is needed. We’re making lolli-gaggers look like go- getters. Burns presses a button and a wall is lifted to REVEAL: a group of FLYING MONKEYS ala the Wizard of Oz. MR. BURNS (CONT’D) Motivate my pretties. Motivate. The monkeys look around blankly at one another before they head for the window. One by one, like lemmings, they simply fall off the edge. MR. BURNS (CONT’D) They just don’t make flying monkeys like they used to. SMITHERS Sir, perhaps a little more tact is needed in these trying times. What with Rainier Wolfcastle dying and all. MR. BURNS Wolfcastle, eh? I like the sound of that. It has a powerful sort of fascist flavor that rolls off the old tongue. Wolf...castle. SMITHERS Sir, he was a very popular action star. Springfield is taking his death hard. Smithers fights back tears. 20.

MR. BURNS I remember when I was a young lad and heard the news that Watuk the Eskimo star had died.

MR. BURNS THOUGHT BUBBLE: In grainy black and white footage that resembles Nanuk of the North, an Eskimo waives at the camera before a KILLER WHALE jumps up and bites into the Eskimo. MR. BURNS (V.O.) Oh the citizens, how they lamented the loss of such a fine thespian. Mr. Burns, still as decrepid as today, reads from Berrow’s Springfield Journal dressed in 1920’s garb. The headline reads: Nation Mourns Loss of Star, Government to Seize Land. SMITHERS (V.O.) Given the circumstances, then, perhaps a half day off would be in order, Sir

INT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT - CONTINUOUS Burns ponders. MR. BURNS I’m surprised at you, Smithers. Half-Day...that sounds like commie- talk. No (dramatic pause) Release the motivational hounds. On Burns’ observational screens dogs chase workers, some escape by jumping into vats of toxic sludge. Others are bitten as they fall. SMITHERS They’re dying, sir! MR. BURNS Hmmm, hadn’t thought of that.

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - DAY Students sit impatiently in the auditorium. Behind the curtains, Skinner looks over to see Super Intendant Chalmers glaring at him. 21.

SUPER INTENDANT CHALMERS Skiiinnneeeer! Where is that grief counselor? PRINCIPAL SKINNER Yes. Yes, Super Intendant Chalmers. (awkwardly) He’s outside. I’ll just go get him. Skinner walks, walks...then runs.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - CONTINUOUS Skinner scans the school grounds. Nothing. He spots Gil walking by. PRINCIPAL SKINNER You. You don’t look like you’re doing anything productive. Would you like a job? GIL (excitedly) You betcha. Ol’ Gil would love a job! Things are looking up for Ol’ Gil.

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - LATER Skinner addresses the auditorium full of kids. PRINCIPAL SKINNER Students. Settle down. Settle down. I know dealing with a National Tragedy is difficult. Which is why I want to extend grief counseling to you all. Skinner introduces Gil. LISA Grief counseling? Good grief. GIL Death is not the end, no sir. It’s simply the beginning. Life kicks you in the gut and kicks you in the gut again but one day...one day...it will all be better. 22.

Bart raises his hand. PRINCIPAL SKINNER Yes, Bart. BART (fake tearing up) With the loss of Wolfcastle...I just don’t think I can concentrate on anything so useless as school. Maybe we should be sent home to grieve. PRINCIPAL SKINNER Bart, that’s a wonderful idea. I feel a half day of school would be in order. If only I had the power. If only- Lisa stands and takes control. LISA This is ridiculous. We already missed a day of class for filming the stupid movie in the first place. PRINCIPAL SKINNER (interjecting) To be fair, we have missed school for far more trivial reasons. Need I remind you of Teacher Appreciation Day. LISA How can we mourn the loss of someone we don’t even know? (Lisa points to Bart) OK, if you know him so well, where was Wolfcastle born? BART Germany. LISA No, Austria. Ever wonder how he got so big? BART Duh. Powersauce Bars and weights. LISA NO! He was a known steroids user. 23.

Bart flies at Lisa. Children scream ‘Fight! Fight! Fight!’

INT. MOE’S TAVERN - DAY Homer, Smithers, Apu and Principal Skinner join Moe and Barney at the bar. Angle on TV: Kent Brockman stands outside an old-style German House. It vaguely resembles a ginger-bread house BROCKMAN We’re live outside the house of Raineir Wolfcastle’s 3rd-Grade fiddle teacher. HOMER He was so cool. SMITHERS (almost sobbing) He was so hot! APU He was the fulfillment of the Immigrant’s Dream! SKINNER His after-school physical fitness program was instrumental in holding back the tide of child obesity. (ponders for a moment) Well, at least he tried. HOMER Such a great, great man. A real man, not like that fake, Flanders. He gave so much to us, so many great movies. APU ODYESSUS in DES MOINES showed me that the American Dream was possible. (sofltly) He was MY American idol. SMITHERS He was so beautiful as RAKTAR the BARBARIAN. Oh, Raktar! 24.

SKINNER Mother wouldn’t let me see any of his films. Except for Elementary Enforcer since it was PG. And she turned it off during the scary part. But his stern discipline. If only I could... Angle on TV: An emaciated octogenarian fiddles “If I was a Rich Man” on the roof. Brockman on the ground with the camera crew. BROCKMAN Beautiful. Simply beautiful. When the human spirit rises to its apex in such a being as Rainier Wolfcastle, words are not enough. Kent Brockman, Live Action News.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM Marge, Bart, and Lisa are in the TV room. Homer enters. MARGE Homer! You’re home. Bart and Lisa have been suspended. Homer doesn’t respond as he mechanically shuffles towards the corner of the room. MARGE (CONT’D) Did you hear what I said? Our children have been suspended from school! Reveal: Homer in the corner. A small table contains myriad photos and mini-posters of Wolfcastle with prayer candles. A small MCBAIN doll is on the table as well. Homer takes it and pulls the string. MCBAIN DOLL I will return back. HOMER When? MARGE Homer! This isn’t healthy. Our kids need you. You can’t obsess like this. 25.

HOMER Marge, you’re already forgetting how much Wolfie did for this family. It’s just a matter of time before he’s dead to the world. MARGE I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Homer, but he is dead. You need to find an outlet for these feelings. HOMER You’re right, Marge. He’s dead. But his memory should live on for ever. Moping around is for suckers. I’m going to throw Wolfcastle the memorial he deserves. Something so no one will ever forget. LISA You’re all crazy. This is insane! Lisa storms away. HOMER Yes. We would be insane NOT to do this. Boy? BART Yeah, Dad? HOMER I need a pencil, a ruler, two sheets of paper, and two erasers. Better make it three. Marge, I’m gonna need a case of beer and some nachos.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD FOREST PARK - LATER Lisa takes refuge in the wrecked forest. A few cut-down trees remain. Lisa knocks on a some of the trunks. LISA What have they done? When will they learn that nature needs a gentle hand. Lisa looks at one trunk, covered in TERMITES. 26.

LISA (CONT’D) Oh, look. Nature is adapting. They’re eating the dead tree. Good for them.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM Homer stands before Skinner, Apu, and Smithers. Bart by his side. HOMER I’ve called you all today for an official meeting of the Wolfcastle Wolves. As president... (he pauses, full of himself) I have embarked upon a plan so radical, so momentous, so groundbreaking that the Earth itself will never recover. Homer rips back the veil to reveal: a badly sketched drawing of a giant Wolfcastle statue. The statue has an arrow pointing to it that says “Wood” and another that has a much smaller stick figure with an arrow that says “me”. HOMER (CONT’D) It shall be a shrine that will stand the test of time for one the greatest humans ever! Wind, sand, fog, hail, rain, snow, fire...none will so much as dent our great monument. BART Uhh, Dad...? SMITHERS Where will you build it? SKINNER How much will it cost? APU Who will build it? Homer is unconcerned with the details. HOMER (answering the questions) Somewhere. Not too much. (MORE) 27. HOMER (CONT'D) Illegal immigrants. Be right back. Drink your beer...for Wolfy. Homer runs away.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN Homer is on the phone with the Producer. HOMER So I said...why not build a giant statue to Wolfcastle? PRODUCER Sounds like a tad much. But we do have a memorial service planned for Sunday. HOMER Sunday! But Sunday is when Good Badgers Go Bad is on! Oh, fine. Sunday. But how will I get the statue made in time? PRODUCER Well, I wish I could help but I need to go the bank. Something about depositing all my millions. You could call the prop master we used for McBain III: Let’s Get Physical and McBain V. I think he’s still in town. HOMER Still in town, heh? Close on Homers face. A devious smile. FADE OUT. END OF ACT TWO 28. 29.

ACT THREE FADE IN:

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING Homer enters to see the rest of the family gathered around the table. MARGE Pancakes are served. (Marge points to a particular pancake) This one came out looking like Texas. HOMER I’d love nothing more than to dine on Texas. But duty calls. Gotta set up for the memorial. LISA I am not going to some stupid memorial. HOMER Oh, you’ll go. You’ll go and enjoy the wonderful ballads of Elton John. (points at Lisa) SIR Elton John to you. Marge groans. MARGE Homey, it’s Sunday. Now I know you’ve been doing a lot of good things with that little club of yours. But today is Sunday and you know what that means. HOMER Not to worry, football season ended a month ago. MARGE That’s not what I meant. LISA I think she’s talking about church. Reveal: Lisa and Bart in their Sunday finest. 30.

HOMER But Marge...how many times does a nation mourn the loss of a hero? Homer steps onto a scale (conveniently located in the kitchen). HOMER (CONT’D) Look! I’ve lost a pound! A pound! I’m wasting away. Pretty soon I’ll be nothing. BART That’ll be the day. MARGE We’re going to church. As a family. As we always do. HOMER Fine. It’s allllwaaays about you. I’m grieving and you just want to mourn God like we do EVERY Sunday. When does Wolfie get his day! I’m not going and that’s final.

INT. FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD - DAY stands at the pulpit. REVEREND LOVEJOY He struggled so. Gave up so much for the better of mankind. He fed the poor and clothed the homeless through... Pan up to reveal: a picture of Wolfcastle dressed in white, arms uplifted like a Saint. REVEREND LOVEJOY (CONT’D) His foundations. An example to all of mankind of the hopes and dreams made possible by our Lord Jesus. Amen. The Simpsons sit in the pews. Homer looks at Marge smugly. HOMER SEE....God understands Wolfie’s importance. Finally, after all these years God is on my side. 31.

Marge moans in disapproval. LISA I can’t believe we’re idolizing an anti-Semitic buffoon. HOMER You’re only saying that because he didn’t like the Jews.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK - DAY It’s a festival-like atmosphere. A giant stage and screen holds the attention of the crowd- all of Springfield. KRUSTY Hey! Hey! Hey! I was asked to host this event in honor of Wolfcastle. At first I said no. But then I had to bet on the ponies and, well, eehhhhhh....here I am! Well what better way to honor a man whose life was dedicated to sensless violence than a tribute from Itchy and Scratchy. ANGLE ON: Giant podium screen as the Itchy and Scratchy theme song plays. The title reads: McBain He Rest.

INT. BOWLING ALLY - NIGHT Itchy searches for a bowling ball. The familiar time travel sphere from the Terminator movies appears. A giant buffed out Scratchy drops into the lane. ITCHY Oh no! You must be a cyborg sent from the future to kill me! Robot-like, Scratchy paces down the lane towards Itchy. The Terminator music plays as Itchy tosses bowling ball after bowling ball at his nemesis but they simply bounce off. Itchy ponders. Runs out to the parking lot. Gets in his truck. Looks at his watch impatiently as he waits for Scratchy to appear. Itchy spots Scratchy in the rear-view mirror and runs him over. And over. And over. 32.

Itchy gets out of the truck and sees a pile of blood. Suddenly the robotic arm of Scratchy moves- now missing its outer shell of skin. Insert: Animation Missing Reel. CUT TO:

INT. WEAPONS DEPOT STORE - NIGHT Itchy is dressed in COMMANDO gear as he loads up on rocket launchers, flame throwers, bullets and grenades. Scratchy enters- he’s now half robot and half cat. Itchy uses the flamethrower. The rest of the fake cat body melts. Scratchy continues to charge. Itchy takes four grenades and puts them in the mouth of Robo-Scratchy. He flies back in the air and fires the rocket launcher to detonate the grenades. ITCHY Terminate this! Robotic cat parts fly through the air. Scratchy’s head lands, complete with sparks coming out of the eyes. CUT TO:

INT. BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT Itchy takes aim at the pins. Uses the robotic-Scratchy head as a bowling ball- with his fingers in the eye sockets. As it spins down the lane, the Robotic-Scratchy head mutters: SCRATCHY Why! Why am I still alive! It’s a strike!

EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK - DAY The Simpsons watch the credits roll. Bart laughs. Looks up at his father. HOMER (with tears) That was so beautiful. So beautiful because it’s true. 33.

LISA That was the worst Itchy and Scratchy episode. Ever. COMIC-BOOK GUY Hey! HOMER Lisa, if that’s going to be your attitude, go to your room! LISA (looking around) We’re miles from home! HOMER Oh, I thought the woods were so beautiful and pristine! Where’s Mother Nature now! Lisa takes off towards the woods. LISA Fine. I’m leaving.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK - TREE DEPOT - DAY All the trees are now gone. Lisa walks through the deserted lot. She hears an exaggerated sound of termites crunching through wood. Lisa sees a pathetic nub of a limb devoured. A swarm of termites. LISA Awww, they’re starving!

EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK The memorial proceeds. On the giant screen, scenes from Wolfcastle’s greatest movies play. ANGLE ON SCREEN: -Title Card: TRUTHS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE FALSE. Wolfcastle pilots a jet...inside a mall. He shoots a terrorist and then lands and walks into a Big & Tall store. WOLFCASTLE Big & Tall, for the fashionably large. 34.

-Title Card: Unfinished RADIOACTIVE MAN Film. Wolfcastle, as Radioactive Man, slaps hands with Milhouse. -Title Card: ELEMENTARY ENFORCER. Wolfcastle surrounded by kids while he looks at CT scans. WOLFCASTLE (CONT’D) It is not a malignant growth! KID I like paste! WOLFCASTLE (pulls gun) Are you the killer? Krusty comes to the podium. KRUSTY And now, Elton John will sing for us. A lackey approaches Krusty and whispers something. KRUSTY (CONT’D) Oh, SIR Elton John. Excuuuuse Me. (under breath) Pompous Limey Brit. Pinao music plays. Krusty takes a puff of his cigarette. KRUSTY (CONT’D) Candle in the Wind again? Ugghh

EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK - TREE DEPOT Lisa walks towards the mass of termites. LISA You’ll all starve! She looks around. LISA (CONT’D) Maybe there are more... The mass of termites begins to move. Lisa looks at their path. They’re headed straight for the memorial. 35.

LISA (CONT’D) Oh no, the memorial. (a beat) Eh, who cares? She looks again. Just past that... LISA (CONT’D) Oh no! The Town!! Lisa takes runs off.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK The final lines of Candle in the Wind are delivered- in German. Homer is holding on, but just barely. Krusty comes back on stage. KRUSTY And now- (looks at his notes) Is this right? And now, an interpretive dance of Raineir Wolfcastle’s career by the Venetian Boys Club for the Advancement of Aryanism. BART Now, Dad? HOMER Almost, son. Homer stretches his arms nonchalantly, cracks his neck. HOMER (CONT’D) OK, now. Homer signals to Apu, Smithers, and Skinner. They walk behind the stage. Behind the giant screen, there is a mammoth object, covered by a tarp. HOMER (CONT’D) Heh, Heh. Alright boy, let’s memorialize this...memorial. The group begins to drag the object around the stage. Homer runs on stage as he knocks several Austrian boys down. Homer grabs the microphone. 36.

HOMER (CONT’D) Ladies and Gentlemen, we have all suffered a terrible loss. The only thing that can honor Wolfcastle is...Raineir Wolfcastle! Now! Bart nods and pulls on the tarp. It’s too heavy. Nothing happens. HOMER (CONT’D) (awkwardly) Uhh, yeah. It was supposed to come down now. The tarp finally gives. A giant wooden replica of Raineir Wolfcastle. The statue stands like a Colussus, a gun in each arm. There is a grenade in his mouth. The crowd is stunned. HOMER (CONT’D) I think we should put this in front of the school. An example for children everywhere. Lisa arrives. LISA The termites, the termites are coming! HOMER Shhh, Lisa. Daddy is ornimating. Lisa looks puzzled. LISA You mean...orating? Wait, who cares! The termites, don’t you see? The stage, they’re coming for the st-- She sees the Wolfcastle statue. LISA (CONT’D) You built a statue? You wouldn’t even help inflate the tires of my Malibu Stacy Convertible! HOMER I hardly think this is the time. Or even the place! 37.

Just beyond the park, a hill is suddenly blackened by the swarm of termites. LISA No time. They’re headed straight for the town! The crowd begins to panic. Austrian Dance boys begin to cry. Wiggum, Lou, and pull their weapons. WIGGUM Fire away, boys! The cops shoot uselessly into the swarm. WIGGUM (CONT’D) Our weapons...useless. LOU Senseless violence fails again, huh Chief. COMIC-BOOK GUY Worst memorial. Ever! Comic-Book guy flashes a snide grin at Lisa. Homer turns to Bart as citizens run about. HOMER Bart, we’ve got to save the statue! BART Uhh, what about the house? HOMER Priorities, boy! Homer and Bart grab the ropes and try and pull the statue to safety. It’s too heavy. HOMER (CONT’D) I won’t lose Wolfcastle again! The termites devour the stage. In an instant, it disappears. The Reverend Lovejoy trips next to the stage. The swarm of termites forms a shape that resembles a monstrous/demonic head. They approach Lovejoy. LOVEJOY Back, back creatures of Satan! 38.

Lovejoy extends his cross. The swarm pauses to consider a moment. Then dives forward and consumes the cross. It disappears before Lovejoy’s eyes. He flees. LOVEJOY (CONT’D) Ahhh, there is no God! Homer pulls in vain at the statue. LISA It’s no use, Dad! HOMER You’ve always hated Wolfcastle! This is your fault! LISA No,it was the movie production. The fragile ecosytem was turned upside down and the termites were forced to find new sources of food! HOMER So you’re saying this is all my fault? All I wanted was to be in a movie with my favorite star. And now I just want the world to mourn him as I do. LISA Wait, Dad! That’s it. The statue! The termites will come straight for it. BART Uhh, yeah, Lis, we covered that. LISA Don’t you see. The gorge. They’ll follow it right down. The town will be saved. HOMER But Wolfie...no, you’re right. It’s him or the town. (pauses a moment) But Wolfie-- LISA --Dad! HOMER Right! 39.

Lisa, Homer, and Bart try and move the statue. No luck. LISA It’s BART Too HOMER Heavy! He sweats and collapses. The termites approach. WOLFCASTLE (O.S.) Perhaps, I can help. Homer, Bart, and Lisa turn. They see Marty Wolfcastle, an exact twin of his brother. APU Oh, my. He’s alive! Wolfcastle grabs the ropes and begins to pull the statue. Homer joins in. The termites notice the statue and begin to creep towards it. HOMER You’re alive? All this time? WOLFCASTLE No, Rainy was my brother. My twin brother. I’m Marty. LISA Hurry! WOLFCASTLE I’m hurrying Little Red Dress Girl HOMER You’re just like him! WOLFCASTLE Except- (grunts at strain) I’m not so much of the girly-type man. Homer and Wolfcastle pull the statue to the edge of the gorge. They watch as the termites engulf the statue. 40.

A push and the termite-infested statue plummets onto the ground below. When the statue lands, it blows up in a giant mushroom cloud. HOMER Hmm, I guess that grenade was real.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM Marge takes down the Wolfcastle memorabilia. MARGE So his brother is just like him? HOMER Better. More masculine but with a sensitivity that...just soothes. He even changed his name from Marty to Rainier. He’s already signed for Mcbain VI. Not that they’ve called ME. MARGE Well, let’s get ready, the trailer for Mcbain V premieres in a minute. I can’t wait to see you on TV. In a good way, for once. HOMER Whoo hoo! Homer sits on the couch. The TV begins to play the trailer. ANGLE ON TV: NARRATOR In a time of trouble, one man will stand alone. With his partner-- HOMER (O.S.) That’s me! NARRATOR Against the vicious tyranny of the Wai Lin army. Shots of various Asian soldiers as they shoot at Mcbain. Then a shot of Homer’s scene, but he has been replaced with computer animated monkey. 41.

HOMER Wha? (offended) I am not a monkey! Homer scratches himself.

INT. LISA’S BEDROOM Marge leans over Lisa and kisses her. MARGE Good night, my darling little Lisa. LISA Mom, aren’t you glad dad’s done obsessing. MARGE Well, Lisa, anything that can bring your Dad and Bart together can’t be all that bad. They haven’t fought in days. LISA I guess you’re right... Just then Homer’s FOOT breaks through the bedroom wall. HOMER (O.S.) Why you little... Homer struggles to get his foot out of the wall. He finally does so, but takes a chunk of wall with him as he chases Bart. MARGE Well, it was nice while it lasted. FADE OUT. END OF ACT III