The Simpsons "Rainier Wolfcastle is Dead" by Vince Faiola Vince Faiola 1235 West Town and Country Road Apt. 3103 Orange, CA 92868 ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - EVENING Homer sits on the couch with Lisa, Bart and Maggie as they watch TV. MARGE (O.S.) Homer! Time for dinner. I made made your favorite. HOMER (suspiciously) My favorite? How do you know my favorite? Whose been talking? (Homer looks at Bart) Boy? Marge enters with a plate of pork chops covered in gravy. HOMER (CONT’D) Mmmmmmm.....pork chops and gravy. My favorite. MARGE Take it to the dining room, this family doesn’t eat dinner in front of the TV. Homer grabs the plate. HOMER No, we don’t eat in front of the TV. We eat before it. Homer genuflects in front of the TV, almost chanting. HOMER (CONT’D) We give thanks to you oh God of many great channels and... (angry and dismissive) Fox. ANGLE ON TV - MCBAIN’S HOUSE - NIGHT TV ANNOUNCER (O.S) And now back to McBain 4: Fatal Discharge. 2. BART (O.S.) Awesome. Mcbain kills 17 commandoes with a pitch fork and a tractor in this one! McBain hunts and pecks an e-mail with two fingers. MCBAIN I know now what it is to have loved and to have lost. Meet me at the zoo in three hours. McBain hits send. A cat meows. He draws his gun and points in suspense. MCBAIN (CONT’D) Oh, Mr. Whiskers. It only is you. EXT. MCBAIN’S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS The house blows up. An indestructible toilet flies through the air and lands on a car. Out comes the hulking figure of McBain. His shirt aflame, he rips it off. Calls for his cat. MCBAIN Mr. Whiskers? Mr Whiskers? MR. WHISKERS! No response. MCBAIN (CONT’D) This time it be personal! McBain on his hands and knees shouting to the heavens. The toilet flushes. INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - CONTINUOUS The Simpsons are still gathered around the TV. HOMER That could be our house! LISA (sarcastic) Oh, joy to bask in the glory of a steroid-driven pop culture icon! 3. HOMER (earnestly) A dead end job. Two kids. (a pause as Maggie sucks on her pacifier) Even worse...three kids. I need this. I’m hanging on by some sort of thread-like rope. Homer pauses to think. HOMER THOUGHT BUBBLE: Homer and McBain are decked out in Rambo gear. Homer rips off his shirt to reveal a 6-pack and a steroid-fueled hunk of man. McBain sits on the ground as Flander’s house is on fire. Ninjas abound. MCBAIN Go on. Leave me. Homer lifts McBain up over his shoulder and begins to kick ninjas left and right. HOMER No man gets left behind on my watch! FLANDERS (O.S.) A little help neigborino! Reveal: landers on the ground, bandaged and wounded. HOMER No time. Besides I’m sure your GOD will be down to help any moment now. Homer steps on Flanders... INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - CONTINUOUS Drool falls from Homer’s mouth. MARGE Homer. Homer, you’re drooling again. BART I’ve got it. 4. Bart removes the plate of food from Homer’s lap. He immediately snaps to. LISA I don’t understand why you’d even want to win this stupid contest. It’s just some lame publicity stunt. BART (he puts his arm around Lisa) Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Let me explain something about how the real world works. If they make the next McBain movie here, then we’re as good as famous and we’ll live like kings. Dirty stinking rich kings who can do whatever they want. (rubs hands together) Whenever they want. On the TV Kent Brockman talks and the family watches. KENT BROCKMAN As of today not one of the killer monkeys has called home. Now in lighter news, we turn to the live selection of one of Springfield’s very own to appear in McBain 5: You Only Die Thrice. HOMER Boy, let this be a lesson in hard work and dedication. With all the time and effort we put into MY application, we can’t lose. INT. HOLLYWOOD PRODUCTION OFFICE - DAY - FLASHBACK Wolfcastle sits with his agent and the producer. They select the winning application. A heart-shaped card that looks as if it was drawn by a 2 year old stands out. It reads: Homer and McBain Friends Four Never. (Mispellings on purpose). PRODUCER It’ll be great, baby! We’re helping out the mentally challenged. You can’t buy pub like that! 5. RAINIER WOLFCASTLE I like mental challenges. Reveal: Wolfcastle reads from The Complete Idiots Guide to Complete Idiot’s Books. INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - CONTINUOUS The Simpson home appears on the TV. Wolfcastle at the door. KENT BROCKMAN Looks like Wolfcastle himself is about to surprise one lucky family. The doorbell RINGS. HOMER Why don’t they just get on with it already! The Doorbell RINGS again. Lisa recognizes the Simpson home on TV and gets up. HOMER (CONT’D) That’s a good girl. Make the bad people go away. Unless it’s a Girl Scout. In that case I want 14 boxes. Lisa leaves the room and heads to... INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS She opens the door. Camera lights flash. RAINIER WOLFCASTLE Hello little red-dressed girl. You must be (looks at a card)...Homer? Lisa rolls her eyes andallows the crowd to follow her to... INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - CONTINUOUS The Simpsons now appear in their own TV screen. HOMER (oblivious) Why can’t we ever win anything? New life lesson boy all life ever does is kick you when your down. (MORE) 6. HOMER (CONT'D) Then it kicks dirt on you when your down. Learn to like dirt. A lot. Homer breaks down and cries. Bart taps his father. BART Uh, big guy. Homer looks up and sees Wolfcastle. HOMER Aahhhhh! Immediately Homer breaks out into a Three Stooges circle walk on the ground. RAINIER WOLFCASTLE Is he the mental one? INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING Homer, Maggie, Lisa and Bart sit at the kitchen table. Homer wears DARK sunglasses while Marge dishes out pancakes. HOMER Marge, baby, what’s this? You know I can’t carb load on a shooting day! I’ll have what he’s having. Homer points to Wolfcastle as he breaks six eggs directly into his mouth. The seventh egg cracks open and a bird flies out. Wolfcastle snatches it and swallows it whole. WOLFCASTLE Protein good. MOE (O.S.) Homer’s right. He’s too important to be all getting fat. He’s gotta have energy. Pizzazz. Reveal: The Simpson kitchen filled with all of Springfield. MOE (CONT'D) That...whatcha call it...homecooked meal...it just won’t cut it anymore. Wolfcastle finishes off a jug of milk and tosses it to the ground. Ralph Wiggum picks it up. RALPH It tastes like air! 7. Comic Book guy rips the jug from Ralph. COMIC BOOK GUY E-Bay. Here I come. RALPH (begins to cry) I want air! MARGE Stop it! All of you! Out of my house! MOE (ushering them out) You heard the lady. Everybody out. Let’s go. Homer needs his rest. Flashbulbs go off as people exit. Moe remains. Marge points. HOMER He’s my agent, Marge. My agent! BART You have an agent? Cool. MOE About that...I was thinking maybe like a 50 percent cut? HOMER Almost half. Huhhhh? How about 60 percent? BART Ah, Homer? HOMER (excitedly) Final offer! MOE Deal! HOMER MOE Sucker. Sucker. INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - MORNING Bart sits with Homer, Wolfcastle and Moe by the phone. 8. MOE Just tell ‘em it’s the Feline Aids. I saw something on the tube about that. Homer picks up the phone and dials. INT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT - BURNS’ OFFICE - DAY Intercut phone conversation as needed. MR. BURNS Hello? HOMER (in fake high-pitched voice) Mr. Burns...this is...Homer Simpson. I mean...I mean Homer Simpson’s doctor. MR. BURNS Homer who? HOMER (in fake high-pitched voice) Simpson. Homer Simpson? MR. BURNS Simpson. Doesn’t ring a bell. Is he dead? HOMER (interrupting) Why...yes. Yes he is. Don’t expect him in for two weeks. (Homer hangs up the phone) Hehehehe. I think he bought it. INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - LISA’S CLASS Lisa sits in class and grumbles to herself. LISA (to self) I can’t believe my stupid brother gets to stay home from school. This is ridiculous. All for some stupid movie. 9. MARTIN I couldn’t help but to overhear your conundrum. It seems as if you are suffering from a serious case of envy. LISA (glaring) Envy? Envy? What, exactly, is there to be envious of? SHERRI AND TERRI Rainier Wolfcastle is so dreamy... LISA It’s a stupid action movie! And this whole stupid town is acting like it’s going to solve world hunger! I’d rather be here in school where I can learn, thank you! Reveal Classroom: Ralph at the front. He gives a book report about the Little Engine that Could. RALPH Choo Choo went the little engine that could. But then the little engine that could almost didn’t and I was sad. Ralph rips out a page of the book. RALPH (CONT’D) This book report tastes better than my last one. The end. Lisa rolls her eyes. PRINCIPAL SKINNER (V.O.) (on the school intercom) Due to the supreme importance of film and media in our lives..