BELOW ACT ONE

EXT. PRIVATE CLUB ENTRANCE - MORNING Establishing Shot. A wooden sign in fancy script: "ROLLING GREEN COUNTRY CLUB. MEMBERS ONLY". A BMW 7 Series rolls through the tree-lined entrance.

EXT. ROLLING GREEN COUNTRY CLUB - DAY The car parks in a spot that reads: "Reserved for Jan Heintz, Club President”. Various luxury cars and carts roll by. JAN HEINTZ (40) tall, intimidating, short blonde hair, exits. WALLY (43) a bearded stoner greenskeeper with a grass-stained white jumpsuit drinks from a water bottle. WALLY Happy to have you back, Ms. Heintz. Jan tosses her keys at Wally. They hit his chest and fall. JAN Wash the car. WALLY Right away. JAN What's your name again? WALLY Wally, ma'am. JAN When did you start here? WALLY 1975. JAN Well it looks like you stopped picking the in 1976. Get out there. WALLY Sure thing, Ms. Heintz. Wally pivots toward the DRIVING RANGE. 2.

JAN The car first. Jan walks off toward the CLUBHOUSE. Wally empties his water bottle on her car. In the background, a ROWDY MIDDLE-AGED MAN drives by in a , drinking whiskey and blasting Zeppelin. A CADDY runs behind the cart, hauling a big leather golf bag. Once the cart exits frame, we hear a CRASH.

INT. - CLUBHOUSE - MINUTES LATER GARY GRUNER (45) the lanky, awkward head golf pro wipes down the grips of display golf clubs. A PGA Tour telecast plays on the TV in the Pro Shop. A MEMBER sits on the couch, watching the action. Jan enters. JAN I can see you've been working on your stroke. GARY Jan! The Member jumps up and flees the clubhouse. Gary clumsily knocks over a rack of clubs. GARY (CONT’D) I thought you were coming back from Germany next week. JAN That's probably why the store looks like crap. GARY Yeah, I've been meaning to clean that up for the past second. JAN Good. Now stop procrastinating. Where are the Swing Dingers? Gary searches behind the register and holds up a phallic rubber golf training aid. It wiggles around like a dildo. GARY I thought it might be inappropriate. 3.

JAN What's inappropriate about that? GARY Umm... nothing, I guess. JAN Good guess. Since you've been abandoned by your last three sponsors, I had to take time out of my Deutschland vacation to find you a new one. Jan flips over the display table near the door. The merchandise on the table slides off into a pile on the floor. JAN (CONT’D) And that's why you'll be using Schweitzer's Swing Dinger to train all your clients. Jan suction-cups a Swing Dinger to a . JAN (CONT’D) This table will be used exclusively for Swing Dingers. GARY Will do. JAN And for Christ's sake Gary, clean up this mess.

INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER CHASTITY ROBINSON (22) devout Christian, naïve blonde, serves MRS. SANDERS (70) pushy, brash old lady. MRS. SANDERS Who's a gal gotta screw to get a hot egg salad around here? CHASTITY Egg salad is supposed to be cold. JAN (O.S.) Mrs. Sanders, so good to see you. Chastity turns to see Jan breathing down her neck. 4.

JAN (CONT’D) Chastity, may I have a word with you in private? Jan grabs Chastity by the arm and pulls her to the side. JAN (CONT’D) Don't talk back to members. CHASTITY I wasn't talking back. I swear, Mrs. Heintz, it's just that... JAN It's Mizz Heintz. And dress more conservatively. CHASTITY But this is the club uniform. JAN Three-quarter cleavage qualifies as "overflow" under club guidelines. CHASTITY Yes ma'am. Jan gives Chastity a grabby tap on the ass on her way out. JAN Back to work.

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - SAME CASH MULLIGAN (32) scruffy handsome, wild hair, the whiskey- drinking, Zeppelin blasting gentleman, teaches a golf lesson to BEVERLY WILSHIRE (40) trophy wife of an old billionaire. RICKY (17) a caddy with long shaggy hair, wearing a jumpsuit, stands at attention next to Beverly's golf bag. RICKY Gap or ? CASH Sand. Something tells me I won't need to wedge this gap. Ricky hands Cash the . Cash steps up behind Beverly, reaches both arms around her and grips the wedge on top of her diamond-adorned hands. 5.

CASH (CONT’D) You want to take the club away on an inside path. BEVERLY I want to take you on an inside path. Cash squeezes her in closer. He guides her into a swing. CASH You want to keep your head down. BEVERLY I bet that’s what you want. CASH You’d win that bet. BEVERLY Is this what it's like on tour? CASH Yeah, but with a lot more cameras. BEVERLY Drop by my place some time. I have plenty of cameras.

INT. JAN'S OFFICE - CLUBHOUSE - SAME ERNEST GLOVER (30) soft, baby-faced in a security uniform, stands before Jan, reading from a notepad. ERNEST We repaired the fence that posed a security threat on the eighth hole. JAN Is that all? ERNEST We euthanized a rabid swan on the 15th hole. JAN Did it suffer much? ERNEST Not at all. JAN Bummer. 6.

ERNEST Sorry. But your surprise party tonight should cheer you up. Jan approaches the window and scans the area outside, settling her gaze on the Driving Range, where Cash makes a pelvic thrust into Beverly's rear. JAN Ernest? ERNEST Yes? JAN There's a slovenly man humping Beverly Wilshire on the driving range. ERNEST Is it Harvey Wilshire? JAN Of course not. Harvey is well- groomed, 80 and in a wheelchair. Jan grabs a pair of binoculars and sees the name "Cash Mulligan" emblazoned across a leather pro golf bag. JAN (CONT’D) No, this pervert is mentally handicapped. What the hell is Cash Mulligan doing in Rolling Green? ERNEST Oh..um..the Board voted him in. JAN Excuse me!?! I told the board that it was unacceptable to approve any new members in my absence. ERNEST I could implement that wire-tapping program we discussed. JAN That won't be necessary. SMASH TO: 7.

INT. THE WESTCHESTER ROOM - LATER Jan SLAMS a golf club on the long conference table. At the table sit nine members of the BOARD. Among them are: STEVE McFARLAND (45) balding, family man, club rat. BARTON LEATHERMAN (45) Jan's ex-husband, fit, finance guy. FRANK NAKAWARA (55) Japanese, decorous, slight accent. HARVEY WILSHIRE (80) tycoon, wheelchair-bound, colostomy bag. JAN Who voted for Cash Mulligan? HARVEY I voted for him. JAN What a coincidence, Harvey. I just saw Cash stuffing your wife's ballot box. HARVEY I voted for him. JAN So that's two votes. Who else? STEVE C'mon, Jan. It's a secret ballot. JAN And I promise I won't tell anyone. Beat. JAN (CONT’D) Fine. I'll figure it out on my own. Ernest, what was the vote count? ERNEST (checking notepad) It was...ummm...unanimous. JAN Unbelievable. Rolling Green is built on solid reputation, not solid waste. There's no good reason to let Cash Mulligan cast his taint upon this club. 8.

BARTON Actually there is. The Inter-Club Championship is in three months. JAN Barton, I didn't care about your opinion when we were married. Why start now? EVERYONE Ooh... Barton folds his arms and scowls. NAKAWARA We come in last place for 15 years. Great dishonor on our families. STEVE We even lost to Maccabee Meadows on Yom Kippur. JAN Why does everyone suddenly care about the Inter-Club Championship? STEVE Because the grand prize is a full renovation by renowned architect Tom Fazio. JAN You don't like how this course looks? Easy fix. Ernest, get Wally. Reveal: Wally sitting in the corner, rolling a joint. WALLY What's up? JAN You’re fired. WALLY Cool. Wally seals the joint and slouches in his chair. BARTON That doesn't fix anything. We still have a team full of scrubs, captained by Gary, the worst teaching pro in all of Georgia. 9.

NAKAWARA Iz true. This morning, he try to sell me big rubber penis. STEVE And we need someone on the team to replace Harvey. He can't even crap anymore without assistance. HARVEY I voted for him. STEVE He's a 3-time money leader on Tour. Ten professional wins, and scandal or no scandal, Cash puts us in contention for the Inter-Club. JAN He's the guy you're counting on to win? Remember what happened at the John Deere Classic? CUT TO:

EXT. PGA TOUNAMENT - 1 YEAR EARLIER Cash pees in the woods. A Rules Official points to his watch. RULES OFFICIAL Thirty seconds, Mr. Mulligan, or you'll be penalized for slow play. Cash continues peeing. On a Leader Board nearby: Cash's name drops from first to second place. CASH But I already broke the seal! BACK TO:

INT. THE WESTCHESTER ROOM - PRESENT Harvey Wilshire taps his colostomy bag affectionately. HARVEY When you gotta go, you gotta go. JAN And Cash has gotta go immediately. 10.

ACT TWO

INT. PRO SHOP - CLUBHOUSE - LATER Gary rearranges the shop. Chastity, behind the counter, wears a plastic lobster bib over her cleavage. She cuts a coin slot in a donation can with a photo of a starving Ugandan child. CHASTITY If anyone asks, the money goes directly to Ugandans in need of pediatric cleft palate surgery. GARY Sounds like a noble cause. Gary puts two dollars into the slot. CHASTITY Do you know that they have difficulty eating even the meager rations they are given? And every little dollar helps. Gary folds up another dollar, drops it in the slot. CHASTITY (CONT’D) Most Americans don't even know that our organization exists. If only we had a marketing budget, more people would contribute. Gary opens his wallet, takes out the last remaining bill. GARY I only have a fifty. CHASTITY Only a fifty? Don't be ridiculous. That's plenty. She takes the fifty and drops it in the can. CHASTITY (CONT’D) For only ten dollars a day, you can cover medical expenses of cleft palate surgery for an entire village. GARY Could they do the reverse on Jan? 11.

CHASTITY Gary bear, that's a terrible thing to say. GARY It's just that Jan goes out of her way to make me miserable. CHASTITY The Romans went out of their way to make Jesus miserable and look where he is today. GARY Where? CHASTITY In our hearts. GARY Well Jan is the anti-Christ. She gives me heartburn hotter than hellfire. Gary, opening up a bottle of antacid, finds that it's empty. GARY (CONT’D) Gotta run to the store. I'm out of antacid. He walks out, then doubles back toward Chastity. GARY (CONT’D) Can I borrow some cash?

INT. BALLROOM - LATER Balloons, streamers, and confetti everywhere. Ernest addresses Gary, Chastity, and other STAFF MEMBERS. ERNEST This party is a big secret, so don't act suspicious around Jan. She can always sense a change in the matrix. Jan barges in. JAN What's going on here? 12.

ERNEST Nothing, Jan. Certainly nothing that would surprise you. JAN Splendid. Speaking of surprises, I'd like to inform you of a diseased creature walking among us. GARY I thought we killed the swan. JAN We did. I'm speaking, of course of Cash Mulligan. Do you know anything about him? STAFF MEMBER 1 Yeah, he won like a bajillion dollars on tour. STAFF MEMBER 2 He owns that really nice house off the fifteenth hole. CHASTITY And he loves Arnold Palmers. JAN You know what else he loves? Gambling, cheating, and bimbos. CHASTIITY That's wonderful. The bimbos of the Darfur rainforest are endangered. They could use some love. JAN Apparently we're preserving the species right here. CHASTITY Really? Is there anything I can do to help? JAN Does anyone want to help Chastity rebuild the bimbo species? All the guys start to raise their hands. 13.

JAN (CONT’D) Don't answer that. I want you all to be on the lookout for Cash Mulligan violating any club rules. (at Ernest) What are you doing right now? ERNEST Arranging your surprise party. CHASTITY You spilled the beans, Ernest! ERNEST Gosh dangit. JAN Get on the course and dig up some dirt on Cash or I'll have another security guard here tomorrow. Ernest runs out. JAN (CONT’D) In other news, the Board has expressed displeasure with the condition of the course so I went ahead and fired Wally. Reveal: Wally in the corner, stoned. WALLY Cool. GARY Who's going to pick the driving range? JAN I'm going to conduct a lottery and the winner is... Gary. Chasitity applauds with sincerity. CHASTITY Congratulations, Gary bear. JAN You have five minutes to claim your prize. GARY Where do I do that? 14.

JAN Just pick the range, Gary. Jan starts toward the door, stops, and turns around. JAN (CONT’D) Ya'll better yell "surprise" when we do this for real.

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - LATER Gary drives the RANGE PICKER, a metal enclosed protective golf cart that scoops range balls off the driving range. He wears a Schweitzer Golf polo and listens to Wake Me Up Before You Go Go by Wham! in his headphones. ON THE BOX: Cash schmoozes with Barton and Steve. BARTON Trust me. Buy GenTech now before it splits. STEVE No way. Every time I invest in a tech stock, my broker splits. BARTON What about you Cash? CASH I only bet on a sure thing. BARTON Like what? CASH Like 10 bucks every time I hit that guy in the range picker. STEVE You'd be better off with a tech stock. BARTON I'll take that action. You're looking rusty. IN THE NEARBY BUSHES: Ernest hides out, spying on Cash. He lowers his binoculars and speaks into a mini voice recorder. 15.

ERNEST 13 hundred hours. Ace of Clubs, Cash Mulligan on the driving range with Jack of Hearts, Barton Leatherman, and a low level target. ON THE TEE BOX: Cash bounces a ball on his wedge. STEVE Who's driving the range picker? BARTON Looks like Gary. CASH The head pro is picking the range? BARTON Must've rubbed Jan the wrong way. STEVE And Barton would know. CASH Did she make you pick the range too? STEVE Worse. She made him her husband. CASH I thought Jan putts from the rough. BARTON She does now. CASH Happens to the best of us. Cash finds a bottle of "The " male performance supplement in his golf bag. He hands Barton a couple pills. CASH (CONT’D) Those will get your stallion out of his stable. Cash tosses down a couple range balls. Ricky stands-by. RICKY Driver? CASH Takes one to hit one. 16.

Ricky hands the driver to Cash. Cash aims at Gary down range. CASH (CONT’D) Well, like Jan says... balls away! Cash hits a low, screaming driver at the range picker. The ball NAILS the range picker, producing a deafening BANG! Gary screams and stops the cart. Barton throws down $10. Cash NAILS the cart again. Barton throws down another ten. Gary steps out of the cart, ears ringing, disoriented. GARY Hey, cut out that horseplay! Cash hits another ball at Gary. Gary dives for cover. The ball ricochets off the Range Picker and hits him in the ass. GARY (CONT’D) My butt! STEVE Damn, that looks fun. CASH Well join in. Barton and Steve join in as Gary dodges a barrage of balls. Ernest emerges from the bushes and runs to Gary's aid. ERNEST Get your sore ass back in the cart, Gary. This is a safety code nightmare. Chastity pulls up in the Beverage Cart. CHASTITY Hold on, Gary bear. I'll save you! Gary jumps up and hobbles away. Chastity chases after him with the first aid kit. He reaches a pond and can't run any farther. So he jumps in and doggy-paddles. Barton and Steve laugh hysterically. Cash gathers the money. CASH I think I'll go invest in a whiskey. Fellas? STEVE Booze now? I thought you're having a party tonight. 17.

CASH That's right. My place at 10. But that's a long ways away and my BAC is hitting dangerously low levels. Ernest jots down on his notepad: "Party at Mulligan's".

INT. JAN'S OFFICE - LATER Ernest sits across from Jan at her desk. ERNEST He would've killed Gary if I hadn't intervened. JAN There was your first mistake. Gary's death would have provided grounds to revoke Cash's membership. ERNEST Gosh. I'm such an idiot! Ernest smacks himself upside the head. JAN At least you obtained evidence. ERNEST Correct. Exhibit A. Ernest hands her the camera. She views the first photo. JAN More like Exhibit Ew, Ernest. Jan holds up a shot of Ernest flexing in the mirror, in his tightie whities. ERNEST I wonder how that got in there. JAN The timecode says you took this five minutes ago. ERNEST Just a little something extra for you. JAN I don't want this. 18.

ERNEST I guess you're right. Shouldn't be mixing business with pleasure. JAN There is no pleasure in this. Jan scrolls through cat photos. JAN (CONT’D) Exhibits B through J are cats. ERNEST Oh right. That's Fritters. I'm selling him on Ebay if you're interested. JAN That seems illegal and I'm not. Jan scrolls through three pitch black images on the camera. JAN (CONT’D) And the next three images look like your brain scans. ERNEST Huh? JAN You kept the lens cap on. ERNEST But why would that take a picture of my brain? JAN I'll take care of this myself. Jan stands and marches out.

INT. MEN'S LOCKER ROOM - LATER MEMBERS towel off and chat. Barton puts a foot up on a bench and flosses between his legs with a towel. An ANNOUNCER VOICE plays on a TV in the corner. ANNOUNCER VOICE (FILTERED) A different woman every night sounds exhausting. 19.

MEMBER Hey that's you, Cash. Reveal: Cash on-screen holding a pill bottle of "The Shaft". CASH (FILTERED) That's why I use The Shaft, the most trusted name in over-the- counter male enhancement. The Shaft is available at gas stations everywhere. Get The Shaft today and make sure there's never a hole you can't play. A fast DISCLAIMER VOICE wraps up the commercial. DISCLAIMER VOICE (FILTERED) Side effects include lightheadedness, decreased sensitivity to alcohol, and prolonged urination. Consult a doctor for erections lasting more than twelve hours. A smattering of applause around the locker room. Jan walks in with a pair of hedge trimmers. She looks at a naked Barton. BARTON This is the men's locker room, Jan. Are you crazy? JAN From the looks of it, Barton, you're the one who's been seeing a shrink. And if you don't leave in the next three seconds, I'll make sure you lose your marbles. Jan opens and shuts the sharp hedge trimmers. Barton and Steve scatter. JAN (CONT’D) Cash Mulligan. Haven't seen you since The Hartford Classic when you beat Furyk in the . CASH Good times. I took his trophy and his trophy wife. JAN Always a class act. 20.

CASH I gave her back the next morning. Cash approaches a urinal and starts peeing. Jan follows. JAN Listen, Cash. From the moment I met you, I've never liked you. But over time I've grown to really hate you. Mark my words: you'll be kicked out of here within a week. CASH On what grounds? JAN Hitting balls at the range picker. Giving unauthorized lessons to Beverly Wilshire. CASH Members can't give lessons to other members? JAN Not when money is exchanged. CASH Well no need to worry. We only exchange bodily fluids. JAN I will not have your low-life, gambling, philandering fluids in my country club. Cash looks down. He's still peeing. CASH I already broke the seal. Jan slams him into the long floor urinal, pins him against the wall and flushes repeatedly. His feet soak in the urinal. JAN I'll break your seal into a thousand pieces if you mess with my club. Understand what I'm saying? CASH You really hate me? JAN To put it nicely. 21.

Jan lets go of Cash and starts for the locker room door. JAN (CONT’D) By the way, the club is throwing me a welcome back party tonight. Stop by. We'll make it your farewell party too. Jan leaves. Cash stands at the urinal, still peeing.

INT. RED ROOM - LATER Cash holds court in the all-male bar connected to the locker room. Members play bridge, drink scotch, smoke cigars. CASH The ace comes up on the river and I walk out with four Gs. HARVEY That's a big pot. What's your trick? BARTON The buy-in was ten Gs. CASH Small potatoes. I've got a game going at my house tonight and I want you all to bring your wallets. HARVEY What's your game, Mulligan? Bridge? Gin Rummy? CASH Texas Hold 'Em, but there will be plenty of gin and rum. STEVE I hear you were playing hold 'em with a blonde bombshell this afternoon. CASH 36-24-36 and lips that could suck the white off a . HARVEY Sounds like a catch. Reminds me of my wife. Members laugh uncomfortably. They know it's his wife. 22.

ACT THREE

INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT Gary makes a speech at the front of the room. GARY I'm sure I can speak for everyone when I say that it's a thrill to have Jan back at Rolling Green. There is a smattering of applause. The room is nearly empty. STAFF MEMBERS and various OLD PEOPLE sit at a center table. WILSHIRE This is some party, Jan. JAN Thanks, Harvey. Too bad your wife couldn't make it. WILSHIRE She couldn't? Harvey Wilshire looks around. No sign of Beverly.

INT. CASH'S HOUSE - SAME Beverly smokes a cigar and leans over the poker table, her cleavage displayed prominently over a tall stack of chips. BEVERLY I'm all in. Beverly pushes her chips into the pot. Cash, Barton, Steve, and other MEMBERS sit around the poker table with shorter stacks by comparison. Barton stares Beverly down. BARTON I'm having trouble reading her. BEVERLY Because my poker face is up here. BARTON Alright. I'm all in. BEVERLY No. You're all out. They reveal their hands. 23.

BARTON Once a gold digger, always a gold digger. BEVERLY Gold is up, but tonight I'm all about Cash. She rubs her fingers through Cash's hair.

INT. BALLROOM - SAME Chastity, in a server's uniform, speaks into the microphone. CHASTITY And with Jan's kind efforts, Ugandan cleft palates will soon be a thing of the past. God certainly had purpose in mind when he sent me to Jan. JAN To refill our glasses. Chop chop. Chastity goes around the table, topping off champagne. JAN (CONT’D) I'm happy that you were all able to attend because we decided to make this event exclusive. WALLY Honored to be here. JAN Another recipient of my charity. Reveal: Wally, the fired greenskeeper, extremely stoned. JAN (CONT’D) This club wouldn't be what it is without each and every one of you. You're Rolling Green. I'm Rolling Green. We're all Rolling Green. Wally stuffs his face at the buffet table. JAN (CONT’D) And evidently, Wally was rolling green before he came. Gary and Chastity tap their glasses with silverware. 24.

GARY AND CHASTITY Speech! Speech! Speech! WALLY Don’t mind if I do. Wally stuffs a chicken leg in his pocket, grabs the mic. WALLY (CONT’D) Is this thing on? Wally taps the mic. It squeals. Everyone grabs their ears. WALLY (CONT’D) Yep. Well as you may know, I am unemployed as of today, all thanks to Jan. Let’s have a hand for Jan. People give Jan a less-than-rousing applause. WALLY (CONT’D) I’m blessed to have Jan in my life-- CHASTITY Amen! WALLY --because now I have the opportunity to follow my real passion: crochet. Wally pulls a sweater from his pants. It’s a pink sweater with his own facial profile on it. He hands it to Jan. JAN Thanks Wally. That will go great with my new garbage bags. CHASTITY Y'all have pink garbage bags? JAN Chastity, Wally will take a check.

EXT. CASH'S BACKYARD - SAME The poker game has exploded into a full-fledged house party. Six highball glasses are lined up on an astro-turf green. Five are empty with golf balls inside. The sixth is filled with scotch. Cash chips with a sand wedge. IN THE BUSHES: Ernest hides, shooting photographs. 25.

Cash chips a ball. It lofts into the air and lands in the scotch. He drinks the scotch with the golf ball still inside. STEVE There's no way those glasses are full of scotch. CASH Not anymore. Cash lets out a deep breath in Steve's face. Steve winces. STEVE Ten year Macallan. You ain't lying.

EXT. CASH'S BACKYARD - THIRTY MINUTES LATER Cash wears a beer helmet with a Roman candle mounted on top. Two BIKINI CLAD WOMEN flank Cash with sparklers. BIKINI CLAD WOMEN Three ... two ... one! They ignite the Roman candle and Cash starts chugging from the beers on his head. Sparks rain over his helmet. EVERYONE Chug! Chug! Chug! Cash finishes his beers and bends over, drunk, regaining his breath. Partygoers suddenly find themselves in the Roman candle's line of fire. They scatter as... Cash lets out a massive FART and the Roman candle FIRES from his helmet, into a nearby bush. There's a loud YELP. Ernest emerges from the bushes, ON FIRE. CASH Stop, drop, and roll! Ernest rolls around on the grass. Cash pours a beer over Ernest, extinguishing the fire. STEVE This guy's always in a bush. CASH Story of my life. Ernest dusts himself off and rises to his feet. 26.

ERNEST The story of your life at Rolling Green ends tonight. This party is in violation of club rules. STEVE Which rules? ERNEST Lighting pyrotechnics without a permit, setting club property on fire, and littering. Ernest points to a red solo cup on the ground. CASH Here's a guy who knows the rules. ERNEST Study them every day. CASH I bet you even make the rules. ERNEST As a matter of fact, I was instrumental in the clubhouse breastfeeding ban of '09. CASH See I didn't even know that rule. Steve, did you know that rule? STEVE Had no idea. How about you ladies? Steve turns to two BIKINI CLAD WOMEN. BIKINI WOMAN #1 I didn't know it was a rule. BIKINI WOMAN #2 Me neither. The Bikini Women start to take care of Ernest. BIKINI WOMAN #1 Are there other rules about breasts? ERNEST All tops must cover at least three quarters of the breast. 27.

BIKINI WOMAN #2 We might have to measure. Bikini Woman #2 places Ernest's hand on her breast. CASH What do you think, Ernest? ERNEST Definitely a violation. CASH You know what they say: rules are meant to be broken. Bikini Woman #1 massages his back, the other his hair. ERNEST Stop this at once. Stop, stop... Don't stop. Bikini Woman #1 rips off Ernest’s shirt. SLOW MO: She grabs Cash’s bottle of scotch and pours it seductively down the center of Ernest’s chest. The World’s Greatest by R. Kelly plays. Ernest catches scotch in his camera's lens cap. He drinks it. The scotch drips down into Ernest’s pants. ERNEST (CONT’D) Ooh it’s warm. BIKINI WOMAN #1 You like that? ERNEST It’s really hot. BIKINI WOMAN #2 I know. This is getting really hot. ERNEST No. Like burning hot. My peehole! Ernest jumps into the pool, waist deep. He reaches into his pants, washing himself off. CASH Guess he’s more of a bourbon man. 28.

INT. BALLROOM - SAME Couples slow dance awkwardly to We Are The Champions by Queen. Jan watches alone from the side, looking depressed. Wally trips and knocks over some drinks on the buffet table. One falling drink nearly misses Jan. WALLY Woops. Hope I didn't stain your sweater present. JAN You didn't. Jan takes the spotless sweater and wipes up the mess. JAN (CONT’D) I did. She throws the sweater into a nearby garbage bag.

INT. CASH’S BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING Cash wakes up to find Beverly beside him, her arm draped over his chest. He carefully moves the arm and sneaks out of bed. BEVERLY Where are you going? CASH Hate to run but I gotta get home. BEVERLY This is your home. CASH Oh. You’re right. You’re the one who's gotta get home. Beverly grabs a bottle of "The Shaft" from the night stand. BEVERLY This stuff really works. CASH Works too well. Cash walks around in a wide stance, hunched over, adjusting his erection. He reads a label on the pill bottle. CASH (CONT’D) Has it been twelve hours yet? 29.

INT. CASH’S HOUSE - MINUTES LATER Beverly walks downstairs to find sleeping bodies, empty liquor bottles, and a golf club lodged in the ceiling fan.

INT. PRO SHOP - AFTERNOON Chastity grabs a Swing Dinger from the display table. CHASTITY Gary, do these big rubber things actually work? GARY I guess. Beverly Wilshire bought three. Cash enters in his bathrobe, accompanied by Mr. Nakawara. Chastity wiggles the Swing Dinger. Cash stares at her. CASH I don't know what that is, but I like it. GARY Only $14.99. Interested? CASH Only if she comes with it. GARY Are we still on for two o'clock, Mr. Nakawara? NAKAWARA The thing is that uh-- CASH Don't worry, Nak-Nak. I'll handle this. Go outside and warm up. NAKAWARA So sorry, Gary san. So sorry. Mr. Nakawara bows and exits the pro shop. CASH Listen, Gary. Nakanoodles asked me to train him for the Okinawa Cup. Cash pats Gary on the back and walks out. 30.

INT. JAN’S OFFICE - SAME Jan is at her desk. Ernest enters, looking hung-over with stains on his uniform and grill marks on his hat. JAN What the hell happened to you? ERNEST I don't remember much. I was ensnared in a booby trap. Ernest hands her the camera. ERNEST (CONT’D) But it was well worth it. Jan holds the camera with two pinched fingers. She turns it on and scrolls through the photo memory. JAN Here's a picture of you drinking from a funnel. ERNEST I had to. I was undercover. JAN Then there's a picture of someone urinating into the funnel. ERNEST What? Who would do that? JAN And finally, here you are, urinating into the funnel. ERNEST I don’t remember any of that. Jan stands and approaches the window. She looks outside to see Cash teaching Mr. Nakawara on the putting green. She marches out of her office and into...

INT. PRO SHOP - SAME Jan approaches Gary at the register. JAN I thought Nakawara is your client. 31.

GARY He was. JAN And you lost him to a penis pill pusher with whiskey dick. What are you good for, Gary? CHASTITY He's been selling Swing Dingers. JAN How many? GARY Three. Jan sees out the window: Beverly Wilshire eating brunch. The three Swing Dingers are suction-cupped to the table. CHASTITY And look how much money he put in the Ugandan donation can. Chastity shakes the Ugandan cleft palate donation can. JAN How fitting. Now he's about to get canned. GARY Why? JAN This is your turf, Gary. Your territory. And Cash is stepping all over it. GARY So what should I do? JAN Do what I would do. Go out there and act like a man. Mark your territory. Gary exits with haste. Chastity follows. Jan opens the register and counts the money inside. She notices Chastity's donation can. Jan shakes the can. It's full. She opens it and pours the contents into the register. 32.

EXT. PRACTICE GREEN - SAME Nakawara is putting. Cash, in his bathrobe, crouches behind him. Gary approaches. GARY End of the line, Mulligan. When I'm through with you, I'll be the one with an erection. Gary digs a line in the turf with the end of his golf club. We hear the unzipping of his fly. CASH What are you doing? GARY I'm marking my territory. Cash, now in the know, stares Gary down. Gary stares back. CASH Distance or duration? GARY Duration. We hear the unzipping of Cash's pants. CASH Deal. An Ennio Morricone-style flute punctuates the line. They exchange death stares, like an old Western shootout. Surrounded by a crowd of onlookers, Gary and Cash unleash steady streams of urine onto the green. Gary pushes out the last contents of his bladder. His cheering section applauds. They all look over to see Cash, who continues peeing. Cash's fans erupt with cheer.

INT. JAN'S OFFICE - HOURS LATER Gary sits across from Jan, visibly scared. GARY You look upset. JAN Not upset, just pissed off. 33.

GARY It wasn't fair. I think he was juicing. Jan stands up and looks out the window. JAN You think?

EXT. PUTTING GREEN - SUNSET The grounds are empty, but Cash remains, still peeing. Cash's stream finally dies down. He lets out a relieved sigh and shakes off the last drop. He zips up his pants and trudges away through a swamp of his own urine as The World’s Greatest by R. Kelly plays. FADE OUT.