BELOW PAR ACT ONE EXT. PRIVATE CLUB ENTRANCE - MORNING Establishing Shot. A wooden sign in fancy script: "ROLLING GREEN COUNTRY CLUB. MEMBERS ONLY". A BMW 7 Series rolls through the tree-lined entrance. EXT. ROLLING GREEN COUNTRY CLUB - DAY The car parks in a spot that reads: "Reserved for Jan Heintz, Club President”. Various luxury cars and golf carts roll by. JAN HEINTZ (40) tall, intimidating, short blonde hair, exits. WALLY (43) a bearded stoner greenskeeper with a grass-stained white jumpsuit drinks from a water bottle. WALLY Happy to have you back, Ms. Heintz. Jan tosses her keys at Wally. They hit his chest and fall. JAN Wash the car. WALLY Right away. JAN What's your name again? WALLY Wally, ma'am. JAN When did you start here? WALLY 1975. JAN Well it looks like you stopped picking the driving range in 1976. Get out there. WALLY Sure thing, Ms. Heintz. Wally pivots toward the DRIVING RANGE. 2. JAN The car first. Jan walks off toward the CLUBHOUSE. Wally empties his water bottle on her car. In the background, a ROWDY MIDDLE-AGED MAN drives by in a golf cart, drinking whiskey and blasting Zeppelin. A CADDY runs behind the cart, hauling a big leather golf bag. Once the cart exits frame, we hear a CRASH. INT. PRO SHOP - CLUBHOUSE - MINUTES LATER GARY GRUNER (45) the lanky, awkward head golf pro wipes down the grips of display golf clubs. A PGA Tour telecast plays on the TV in the Pro Shop. A MEMBER sits on the couch, watching the action. Jan enters. JAN I can see you've been working on your stroke. GARY Jan! The Member jumps up and flees the clubhouse. Gary clumsily knocks over a rack of clubs. GARY (CONT’D) I thought you were coming back from Germany next week. JAN That's probably why the store looks like crap. GARY Yeah, I've been meaning to clean that up for the past second. JAN Good. Now stop procrastinating. Where are the Swing Dingers? Gary searches behind the register and holds up a phallic rubber golf training aid. It wiggles around like a dildo. GARY I thought it might be inappropriate. 3. JAN What's inappropriate about that? GARY Umm... nothing, I guess. JAN Good guess. Since you've been abandoned by your last three sponsors, I had to take time out of my Deutschland vacation to find you a new one. Jan flips over the display table near the door. The merchandise on the table slides off into a pile on the floor. JAN (CONT’D) And that's why you'll be using Schweitzer's Swing Dinger to train all your clients. Jan suction-cups a Swing Dinger to a golf club. JAN (CONT’D) This table will be used exclusively for Swing Dingers. GARY Will do. JAN And for Christ's sake Gary, clean up this mess. INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER CHASTITY ROBINSON (22) devout Christian, naïve blonde, serves MRS. SANDERS (70) pushy, brash old lady. MRS. SANDERS Who's a gal gotta screw to get a hot egg salad around here? CHASTITY Egg salad is supposed to be cold. JAN (O.S.) Mrs. Sanders, so good to see you. Chastity turns to see Jan breathing down her neck. 4. JAN (CONT’D) Chastity, may I have a word with you in private? Jan grabs Chastity by the arm and pulls her to the side. JAN (CONT’D) Don't talk back to members. CHASTITY I wasn't talking back. I swear, Mrs. Heintz, it's just that... JAN It's Mizz Heintz. And dress more conservatively. CHASTITY But this is the club uniform. JAN Three-quarter cleavage qualifies as "overflow" under club guidelines. CHASTITY Yes ma'am. Jan gives Chastity a grabby tap on the ass on her way out. JAN Back to work. EXT. DRIVING RANGE - SAME CASH MULLIGAN (32) scruffy handsome, wild hair, the whiskey- drinking, Zeppelin blasting gentleman, teaches a golf lesson to BEVERLY WILSHIRE (40) trophy wife of an old billionaire. RICKY (17) a caddy with long shaggy hair, wearing a jumpsuit, stands at attention next to Beverly's golf bag. RICKY Gap wedge or sand wedge? CASH Sand. Something tells me I won't need to wedge this gap. Ricky hands Cash the gap wedge. Cash steps up behind Beverly, reaches both arms around her and grips the wedge on top of her diamond-adorned hands. 5. CASH (CONT’D) You want to take the club away on an inside path. BEVERLY I want to take you on an inside path. Cash squeezes her in closer. He guides her into a swing. CASH You want to keep your head down. BEVERLY I bet that’s what you want. CASH You’d win that bet. BEVERLY Is this what it's like on tour? CASH Yeah, but with a lot more cameras. BEVERLY Drop by my place some time. I have plenty of cameras. INT. JAN'S OFFICE - CLUBHOUSE - SAME ERNEST GLOVER (30) soft, baby-faced in a security uniform, stands before Jan, reading from a notepad. ERNEST We repaired the fence that posed a security threat on the eighth hole. JAN Is that all? ERNEST We euthanized a rabid swan on the 15th hole. JAN Did it suffer much? ERNEST Not at all. JAN Bummer. 6. ERNEST Sorry. But your surprise party tonight should cheer you up. Jan approaches the window and scans the area outside, settling her gaze on the Driving Range, where Cash makes a pelvic thrust into Beverly's rear. JAN Ernest? ERNEST Yes? JAN There's a slovenly man humping Beverly Wilshire on the driving range. ERNEST Is it Harvey Wilshire? JAN Of course not. Harvey is well- groomed, 80 and in a wheelchair. Jan grabs a pair of binoculars and sees the name "Cash Mulligan" emblazoned across a leather pro golf bag. JAN (CONT’D) No, this pervert is mentally handicapped. What the hell is Cash Mulligan doing in Rolling Green? ERNEST Oh..um..the Board voted him in. JAN Excuse me!?! I told the board that it was unacceptable to approve any new members in my absence. ERNEST I could implement that wire-tapping program we discussed. JAN That won't be necessary. SMASH TO: 7. INT. THE WESTCHESTER ROOM - LATER Jan SLAMS a golf club on the long conference table. At the table sit nine members of the BOARD. Among them are: STEVE McFARLAND (45) balding, family man, club rat. BARTON LEATHERMAN (45) Jan's ex-husband, fit, finance guy. FRANK NAKAWARA (55) Japanese, decorous, slight accent. HARVEY WILSHIRE (80) tycoon, wheelchair-bound, colostomy bag. JAN Who voted for Cash Mulligan? HARVEY I voted for him. JAN What a coincidence, Harvey. I just saw Cash stuffing your wife's ballot box. HARVEY I voted for him. JAN So that's two votes. Who else? STEVE C'mon, Jan. It's a secret ballot. JAN And I promise I won't tell anyone. Beat. JAN (CONT’D) Fine. I'll figure it out on my own. Ernest, what was the vote count? ERNEST (checking notepad) It was...ummm...unanimous. JAN Unbelievable. Rolling Green is built on solid reputation, not solid waste. There's no good reason to let Cash Mulligan cast his taint upon this club. 8. BARTON Actually there is. The Inter-Club Championship is in three months. JAN Barton, I didn't care about your opinion when we were married. Why start now? EVERYONE Ooh... Barton folds his arms and scowls. NAKAWARA We come in last place for 15 years. Great dishonor on our families. STEVE We even lost to Maccabee Meadows on Yom Kippur. JAN Why does everyone suddenly care about the Inter-Club Championship? STEVE Because the grand prize is a full renovation by renowned golf course architect Tom Fazio. JAN You don't like how this course looks? Easy fix. Ernest, get Wally. Reveal: Wally sitting in the corner, rolling a joint. WALLY What's up? JAN You’re fired. WALLY Cool. Wally seals the joint and slouches in his chair. BARTON That doesn't fix anything. We still have a team full of scrubs, captained by Gary, the worst teaching pro in all of Georgia. 9. NAKAWARA Iz true. This morning, he try to sell me big rubber penis. STEVE And we need someone on the team to replace Harvey. He can't even crap anymore without assistance. HARVEY I voted for him. STEVE He's a 3-time money leader on Tour. Ten professional wins, and scandal or no scandal, Cash puts us in contention for the Inter-Club. JAN He's the guy you're counting on to win? Remember what happened at the John Deere Classic? CUT TO: EXT. PGA TOUNAMENT - 1 YEAR EARLIER Cash pees in the woods. A Rules Official points to his watch. RULES OFFICIAL Thirty seconds, Mr. Mulligan, or you'll be penalized for slow play. Cash continues peeing. On a Leader Board nearby: Cash's name drops from first to second place. CASH But I already broke the seal! BACK TO: INT. THE WESTCHESTER ROOM - PRESENT Harvey Wilshire taps his colostomy bag affectionately. HARVEY When you gotta go, you gotta go. JAN And Cash has gotta go immediately. 10. ACT TWO INT. PRO SHOP - CLUBHOUSE - LATER Gary rearranges the shop. Chastity, behind the counter, wears a plastic lobster bib over her cleavage. She cuts a coin slot in a donation can with a photo of a starving Ugandan child. CHASTITY If anyone asks, the money goes directly to Ugandans in need of pediatric cleft palate surgery.